Let 'Er Rip: The Adventures of Bum Farto

Being named Bum Farto is ridiculous. Selling drugs is a crime. Being named Bum Farto and selling drugs in front of a fire station? Now THAT'S a ridiculous crime.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ridiculous Crime is a production of I Heart Radio. Well, Well, well,
Saron Burnette, what's up? Elizabeth dot and I missed you?
How you been? I'm I'm all right, I'm all ready
to hear it. You know it's ridiculous, Oh girl? Do
I okay? So Chuck Berry, the rock and roll legend,
he once performed so poorly at a show that it

(00:22):
was considered a crime. Yeah, in the rock and roll
legend was in Finland for a show, but he did
such a piss poor job that the crowd took legal action. Now,
when I say legal action, what I mean is under
Finnish law you can, like, you can basically get your
money back. Because a crowd deems that the performance was subpar,

(00:42):
the concert promoters are on the hook. They legally are
required to give back fifty of the money spent on
the ticket. So basically, if you go to a show
in Finland, you're only in it for half. Yeah, you
can always like, now this was bad, I'm out, And
so a large part of the crowd to Chuck Berry,
I don't know, Well, that is ridiculous. Do you want
to know what else is ridiculous? Always a fire chief

(01:05):
slash Low level drug dealer who wears rose colored glasses
is all. This is all one person, all at once
like this. This is a ridiculous crime a podcast. Did

(01:36):
you know that? About absurd and outrageous capers, heists and
cons it's always murder free and one percent ridiculous. All right.
I have said before that I've never been to Florida,
and we've talked about correcting that. Yeah. One place I
would like to eventually see there is Key West, the
southernmost point of America. Exactly. I'm not like a bigger

(01:58):
in his Hemingway fan and any way shape or form,
So that's not the attraction. Just as it seems his house.
You would like the cats um anyway. Uh, it seems
just like an interesting place, Key West, does um? I
like spaces at the edge of continents, Yes, the sandy
shifting edge of it. Yeah, like the fringe invites fringe characters,

(02:22):
you know, from what I understand, Key West is full
of absolute characters. Yes, I can confirm. Have you ever
been there a bunch? I went there as a kid
and loved it because the way, like when you're a kid,
you look and you see adults acting like a spectacle.
It was like, this is amazing, way come back here,
and I just like because you have to go for
a really long time. If you're driving from Georgia, you
have to go all the way down to Florida, and
then you get to the end of Florida, you get

(02:43):
to Miami. Think that's really close. Then you have to
drive through all of the keys. You're over these little
low bridges and as a kid, you're like this road
ever again again. And then when it finally does end,
you're in Key West, which is like an amusement park
for adults. Yeah. I love that. I really love that.
So I got a tip about today's story from a
gentleman named Christopher Over on Instagram. I'm going to tell

(03:05):
you the story of a man, a man with terrible
fashion sense, horrible criminal instincts, and perhaps one of the
most unfortunate names you've ever heard. I was thinking that
this was me you were talking about until you got
to the most unfortunate name, putiful name. I need you
to picture it. I need you to close your eyes.

(03:26):
It's September nine, Key West, Florida. It's morning time. You're
out jogging in your short shorts. Saren, does you just
live in your best life. I think you're probably jogging topless,
as one does, you know, as an aside, I feel

(03:47):
like men hung out in public with no shirts on,
or as I like to say, top more often. In
the seventies, even into the eighties, that's when they got
the half shirt. That's when it started. Well, let's get
halfway the yard work, exercise, grilling, walking around a county
fair topless, going for a job interview, washing the car. Yeah.

(04:09):
So anyway, there you are, jogging topless down United Street
in Key West for a job interview. It's a residential
street lined with palm trees and modest mid century bungalows
in sort of muted neutrals and pastels. You stop to
tie your shoe and you see a man exiting his house.

(04:31):
Houses pink salmon colored, which isn't uncommon. Uh. You see
into the house through the open front door, and you
notice that both the walls and the carpet are red.
It's uncommon. It's a bold choice. Gold mirrors hang on
the wall. The man. He's wearing a red leisure suit,
so just replete with what one might say bold choices.

(04:53):
It is so delightfully bold. His neck wrists hands, dripping
in gold and little t any gems. And he's wearing glasses.
The lenses pink, literal rose colored glasses on this guy.
So like this outfit. He's just heat radiating off of him.
My hero. You know, you know who this dude is.

(05:15):
Topless joggers Aaron. Everyone in town knows who this guy is.
He's the fire chief. Naturally to rest like a fire
hydrant um. He walks out to the street to get
into his car. The car isn't red, it's bright green.
It's a bright green Cadillac Eldorado and has official city plates.

(05:35):
It's a city vehicle. Yeah. And there are two stickers
on the trunk. One is the seal of the Key
West Fire Department white. Next to it is an image
of Santa Barbara St. Barbara, the patron saint of firefighters.
I was painted in red on the car. I'm serious.

(05:58):
The chief, he is amazing. This guts amazing. So just
as he's getting into his car, two cars come like
screaming down the road from down the block. He screeched
to a halt and they're on either end. He can't
he can't move this Cadillac. It's a big car. Yeah,
he needs room to move. Federal agents be suited. Federal

(06:20):
agents jump out of the car and they tell him
like freeze. He's startled. The man in the rose colored glasses.
He starts fumbling around with his hands, and he pulls
off a diamond encrusted pinky ring and throws it at
the guys. Wait, just throws it. You can't you can't
see me fumbling. I'm doing a version. So then he

(06:44):
throws the pinky ring, and then he turns and runs,
but he's immediately tackled and cuffed by the agents. Yeah,
you zaren have just witnessed the arrest of none other
than bum far Get out. No, that's not his name.
His name is not bumping. Hence name is bum far too.

(07:06):
Did he change you His mama named him bum far too. Well,
let me back up a bit and I can explain
this exquisite creature. So Joseph Farto was born in Key
West in nineteen nineteen to Spanish immigrants. The far Too's
and some a lot of times people with this last

(07:28):
name would amend it to far Doo or Pardo in
order to kind of blend. The Farto's are like, we're
on this they're they're tuting it up. His parents tuting
their own farto. You're not trying to make a big
stink about the weird name. The parents owned a fancy
restaurant in town, and but they later fell on hard

(07:48):
times and they had to sell the place. Now, who
bought it? Fella name Joe Russell him? He no, He
sold a legal booze to Earnest meaning Way and his
cats during prohibition and they became friends. Um, he bought
the Farto restaurant, Well, it was okay, it was called

(08:10):
the Victoria Restaurant, It's what they named it. But he
bought it from the Farto's at the corner of Duval
and Green, and he moved his bar called Sloppy Joe's
into that spot, right. Apparently it's a quite famous place.
I've not been there. I'm going to take everyone's word
for it. It's iconic. Another reason to go. So you
go don Lemon on New Year's Oh my gosh, yeah,

(08:32):
what what's the sushi? Where they getting this shoe? And
it descends in the high heel pump. That's basically what
I know of QS, which looks like pretty exciting. That's
the best version of Q yeah, and they always the
CNN correspondence at New Year's Eve. What we're talking about
is like the you know, the it's a high heel shoe,
right they do instead of the ball dropping like in

(08:53):
New York. It's a high heel Yeah, and it's a
drag named Sushi who sits in it? And and the
CNN correspondence just get lit trash. They do their best
impressions of liquor bottles. I love that. As someone who
doesn't drink, I like watching them so uh. Young Joe
Farto he used to hang out at a fire station
by his house, which they lived kind of like right

(09:15):
behind this fire stription and he would just pestor the firefighters.
He was firefighter obsessed as kids are. It's like John Wayne.
So he got his name Duke. Really nickname because the
name of the fire dog in his hometown. Well that's
you know, this is how little Farto picked up his name. Really,
firefighters nicknames they are. They really go hang out at

(09:35):
a firehouse and see what they come up. I'm kind
of scared with thatch and a cool nickname. Shirts Um,
So he would Little Joe Farto, he'd be asking these firefighters,
can I hang out on your truck? Can I go
for a ride with you? He would ask. He'd like
ask them for money, but can you get some change?

(09:56):
You buy candy? You ask him for candy. He's just
always underfoot, cap and underfoot. The firefighters started like, get
out of here, you bum. So then they started calling
him Bum, And that's how he picked up this name Bum.
He started using it everyone introduced himself. Goes a sixth
grade class. The nickname stuck there, like, oh there goes Bum.
Well here's the thing, Bum Farto. At the age of

(10:17):
twenty three, he becomes a volunteer firefighter. He gets in
the door. He did a couple of jobs beforehand. I
think he was like he had something to do with
driving a hearse or something whatever. Anyway, so he becomes
a volunteer firefighter. Eighteen years later, in nineteen sixty four,
he's fire chief. He works his way up. Look at
that work that ladder. He knew how to schmooz it.

(10:38):
People loved him, Farto, come on now, and he did
a lot of really good things as fire chief. He
busted there had like this arson ring, Like I don't
think they were connected. But they're all these arson's going on,
and he managed to bust them all somehow, and and
he modernized the department. He got a really good equipment.
He did fire PERV Engine training in town. He boosted morale,

(11:03):
he recognized service of fellow firefighters. And the fire department
was absolutely life to him. It was everything. So people
loved his dedication. They also loved his crazy style. Yeah,
fit in. He's a very key West. When I described him,
he was wearing all red, right, that was an everyday
thing for him. It wasn't just oh that day that
he got busted. He pretty much wore red or another

(11:24):
really bright color. Never wore black. I wouldn't wear his
whole house decorated in red. And he wore all the
different you know, it's like a deep fire engine red.
He's wearing all this gold jewelry. His badge, he had
his badge gold plated and like encrusted with gems. Yeah,

(11:48):
fire department his life, baby, Why did he wear red?
Spiritual protection of naturally of course. Santa Barbara, um you see,
Bumfardo is a practitioner of Santaree close with Santa Barbara,
so Santa Ria as you know, Santa Ria is religion
belief system originated in Cuba, not practiced by Bradley Hole. No,

(12:14):
not at all. Doesn't have a crystal ball. It's a
blend of Yoruba beliefs from West Africa, Catholicism, indigenous beliefs
and practices, and spirit is m from Europe in the
eighteen hundreds. Um there are many spirits and they're spun
mainly from the Yoruba religion, but they each get tied
to a Roman Catholic saint, and there's a creator deity

(12:35):
and the spirits and saints are all in service of
this force um Alo d Mare and practitioners make altars,
they give offerings to the spirits to the Supreme Force,
primarily Afro Caribbean. As you know, Bomfardo was of Spanish ancestry,
but I think because of the proximity to Cuba and
the Cubans kind of gave him entry into this belief system.

(12:58):
So we're talking about Santa Barbara. He had a Santa
Barbara sticker in Santa Ria. Santa Barbara is known as
Chungo yes, the fire Spirit. Yes, yeah, big fan. As
an arsonist, as a child arsenist, So another thing that
Bumfardo was passionate about was baseball. Of course, you know,

(13:18):
it was fire and baseball. It's two great tastes. And
he managed to blend Santa Ria and baseball really effectively. Well,
he managed a little league team. We don't think of
that movie Major League Baseball where they have the guy
who practiced. Yeah, you say, up your butt, Jubu. Major

(13:41):
League is such a good movie, and Joe Bu plays
a very important role. That's what I'm picturing right now
when you talked about Dennis haysbird in Cleveland Cleveland uniform
before he became president in twenty four, so An sold
me insurance. Um. So he managed. Bumfardo managed a little
league team, and according to a bunch of different reports

(14:02):
that I read, he would often light a red candle
and place it on the bumper of l. Haf A
mobile during games to try and get the spirits to
like guide the team to a win. Yes, that's very Florida.
That's so amazing. So you hear the descriptions of this guy,
you have to think maybe he's a little shady. I
don't know, we're just a he's a little shady. Um,

(14:25):
he's much beloved in town, but he's also involved with
some criminal elements, bad practices. Not bum bumfarto why um.
November So, four years after he became fire chief, he
was suspended on charges that he forged the signature of
another firefighter on a check yeah, And that he forced

(14:49):
those working under him to take out personal loans on
his behalf, and that he took other people's per diems
for himself. Yeah. And then he just generally like fudged
the payroll books. It's like I'm going to bath. He's
you know, the spirits told him. Is it an eight?
Is it a nine? Um? So he gets brought up

(15:12):
in front of the city's Civil service board, and the board,
here's the case, and they're just like, whatever, let it go, bumfardo.
And I'm only going to say his name full. It's
like David Lee Roth. You can only say Mr David Author,
David Lee Rock. You can't just call him Dave or
Lee Roth, Mr Rock. He's always so this is always Bumfardo.

(15:34):
So the board is like, bumfardo. Whatever, Just you do
you baby? And um. The evidence against him was really clear,
and some people were a little surprised that the whole
thing went away, But actually most people weren't surprised. There
were some, but most weren't surprised because the head of
the board was a man named Waldo Valise. Waldo Valise

(15:55):
was Bumfardo's nephew. Boom boom boom and ding dang dang.
I think we just found the next one. Bum bum
bum at a farto fartum farto. So the phony check
incident isn't what got him arrested in your imagination exercise,
erin o, what was it that went down? In right?
I was doing the disco the check. So you're in

(16:15):
the short shorts strutting your stuff. When we come back
from this break, Um, I'm gonna let you know what
Bumfardo did to get tackled by the cops at Ate
in the morning in front of his own house. Please
do okay. So, before I was so rudely interrupted capitalism,

(16:50):
I was telling you about Bumfardo and he was the
fire chief in Key West, Florida. Key West had been
a vital outpost for the U. S. Navy in the
fifties and early sixties, right close to Cuba is the
whole ninety miles thing, and therefore, because it's close to Cuba.
It's by extension close to the Soviets, um as the

(17:12):
close as we could get. By the mid sixties, the
Navy started to pull out and they took a huge
part of the economy with them. Um. What business was
really starting to expand in the sixties drug dealing. There
you go, plastics and drugs. Um. People couldn't live on

(17:34):
fishing alone, because that's like the huge thing is the fishing.
They're great fishing, yeah, and and fishing tours, all the
whole industry of tourism around it. It wasn't just like
they're going out and catching fish and feeding America. You
can't just can't really survive on that. The way they
had mercurial. You have to wait. Bad weather can do
them you for a while exactly. So they got all
these boats right, put them to use. Oh you know

(17:55):
that what they happened to be close to drugs last
dru guess so um. Drugs are everywhere, like literally you're
waiting through cocaine. It's like snow drifts on the city streets.
Cocaine cocaine. Um. Bumfardo knows everybody right, um, and he's
not averse to stepping outside of the law, as we've

(18:16):
learned with his check issues. Um, he's actually really cozy
with the Tampa Mafia. Tampa Mafia. I know it, doesn't
it sound like I'm making fun of please, like sun burns,
short sleeves and like broken noses, you know, and broken dreams. Uh.
The Tampa Mafia was a real thing, and he was
close with the mob boss, Santo Traficante. Oh the family. Okay,

(18:41):
so you were making fun. Oh no, no, they're legit,
legitami their faces. Um. So corruption is absolutely rampant, as
you can probably guess, drug trade booming big biz um.
One detective at the time noted that buying drugs and
Key West was quote as easy as walking in and
ordering a meal, and cocaine was as common as key

(19:03):
line pie. But what was the price they made? Like
a froth of cocaine to the top of the key
line pie to blend into the love the cocaine. Oh yeah,
So one day a local man named Titus Walters comes
to Bumfardo. Titus had with him a man he said
was his cousin, named Larry Dollar. That is not his

(19:24):
real name, it is though, so Larry Dollar. Larry walk
into a bar he asked his new pet. Well, he
goes up to Bumfardo and he's like, bum can I
score some coke from you? He's like, look, you're the local.
Are you doing weather? It's a little humid. Can I
can I score some code? Love the glasses and I'm

(19:46):
betting you know where I get some cocaine? Sure, says Bumfardo.
Let me talk to my friend Manny James. Manny James.
Why the stepson of Police Chief Winston Jane, the very
same you mean city attorney Manny James. Yeah, that one, Oh,

(20:08):
the Manny James who was also defense counsel for a
bunch of drug runners. That Manny James. Yes, you know him,
yea with a good cocaine Larry, Larry dollars all about it.
He's like, you know what, Yes, he gives Bumfarto a
gold and diamond pinky ring is payment for a couple
of ounces of coke. Wow on the spot. The problem

(20:29):
was that Manny James was on vacation in the Bahamas
and Bumfardo couldn't get ahold of him. So Manny James
is the plug, as you'd say, and Bumfardo calls him up. Sorry, no,
he's out. He's at sandals. You know, he can't come
back to you. He's learning how to play the steel drum.
So um, he's trying to get ahold of of Manny

(20:50):
can't get him. Larry Dollar, you know, would call him,
be like, so, where's my blow and party this weekend? Yeah,
He's like, I need to clear my sinus is Bumfardo.
I was like, you know, I'm just hold on, give me,
give me a little time. I'm still working on it. Um,
bumfarto stalling, stalling. A couple of weeks go by, Yeah,

(21:14):
and Larry Dollar had had enough. Yeah, it's like, I'm
an addict. I need I need the cocaine. Um. One
problem with being a cocaine dealer is you have to
deal with people who are cocaine using. So he and
Bumfardo meet up at the fire station where all the
good drug deals go down. Naturally, that's just the spot

(21:34):
right next to city Hall, so it's super convenient. Bumfardo
tells Larry Dollar, look, I am so sorry I don't
have your coke. And as like a courtesy, as is
kind of like a fun thing I'm gonna do for you.
Have this bag of weed to hold you over. That's
that's an odd choice. Please enjoy, Please enjoy this complimentary

(21:57):
sachet of marijuana in place in lieu of the cocaine
to be delivered later. I promised you a bottle of liquor.
Here's some He's like, I told you I can get
you drugs. Here's some drugs. And so you know, Larry
Dollars like, m all right, I'll take this. I'll take
this weed. I'll go I'll take this smoke. They're using

(22:19):
all like the he's all take the cabbage, all the terms.
He's like, this sticky broccoli will do for me right now.
And then they're just all rolling their eyes at each other.
You actually coined the term the sticky icky. He did
Little Dollar and the sticky icky um. So Bumfardo he
finally gets in touch with Manny James and he's like,

(22:40):
I need tutor powder and I need it now, and
so he gets it, and Bumfardo gets in touch with
Larry Dollar. Meet me at the fire station, the drug spot.
So Bumfardo brings a little taste of the a oh
for Dollar right. Dollar is impressed. He's like, this is
really good, this is high quality. Where what is this

(23:00):
like doing like the like the rubb it on his teeth.
Probably yeah, he probably like took a Swiss army knife
and stuck it in like that. It's like a baggy.
He rubs it on his gums. Um. They agree to
meet one more time two days later to finish the deal.
So bum Farto just lets him like taste it, give

(23:21):
a little sniff sniff, and he's like, oh, yeah, this
is really good. He's like, all right, we'll meet me
back here at the firehouse in two days. I don't
get it. Um now the full amount of coke for
the diamond pinky ring was the deal. Deal goes down.
Everyone's happy. Larry Dollar is especially happy because Larry Dollar
is actually d e A agent Larry Dollar still his

(23:43):
real name though, Yeah, and he's part of Operation Conk.
Operation Conk was a joint effort between the Florida Department
of Law Enforcement and the Dade County Organized Crime Bureau.
D A up in there too, obviously, So a conk,
you know, it looks like conch written out, but the
pronunciation is conk um a marine mollusk. Yeah, the big

(24:08):
beautiful show people think. And it's native Key West. Yeah,
that's why they gave it the name operation. My family
is a bunch of shell seekers, so we used to
go to those beaches for those shells. I like doing
some beach co Yeah. But I like how in the
military or in this case, the d A, when they
name an operation, it's always like they're like two steps

(24:30):
below the people who named pinked, you know. It's like
people named pants are like they're hungry and like, oh,
this is gonna be banana loaf, and then that's the
name of the company. The military, it's like, what's my
first word? Association? Right, And sometimes they try and like
tint it with something really tough. Yeah, like yeah, like
buff eagle or something. And then or it's kind of silly,

(24:51):
like Operation Rudy Tooty, you know, like Operation Rudy too
fresh and fruity because they're going to bust them at it.
What was that a Denny's? So um, I think that
I should be hired to name all the operations, and
I want to name paint so two of us. I'm
just putting it out there everybody. I'm going to go
on LinkedIn and let everyone know I'm availing. Is that

(25:11):
what how LinkedIn works? I don't know I don't know.
So we've got Operation Cock For over a year, they've
been tracking drug smuggling network in Key West that operated
right under the coked up noses of local law enforcement.
So trout now because of this and the understood corruption

(25:33):
in Key West, the task force didn't tell the sheriff,
didn't tell the police chief, didn't tell Manny the city
attorney about the operations or the impending rate. Good because
the police chief is the father of the city attorney,
who himself as the coke supplier. So they knew, they
knew they were doing a good thing here. Now, the

(25:54):
goal of the whole thing was to clean up the city.
They had their eyes on this grip of dudes special
a group of them. Now, when they figured they had
enough to take everyone down, they organized what they referred
to as Handcuffed Day, cuffing season, bring your kids to
work day followed by handcuff Day. Well, in prep for it,
they bring in this task force, a huge strike force

(26:16):
from out of town special jackets, the whole bit. Oh yeah, there, yeah.
So here's the thing though, is that, like if you've
got this whole group of physically fit men and they're
coming into town and they have to get hotel rooms
and rent cars, and for some reason they didn't think
they could just rent the rooms and just do their thing.

(26:37):
They had to come up with a cover story because
they were worried that the town being so small, people
will be like aware of that, like what are all
these guys doing here? And instead of being like mine
your own business, they said, yeah, well that's probably a
smart move. Actually. Yeah. So they call up They're like, hey, um, yeah,
I need like sixteen rooms. Um sure, and then I'm
also going to need sixteen unmarked I mean cars and

(27:01):
so the rooms. Oh yeah, two men peru uh huh.
They're like, oh, well, so what do you what do
you What are you guys doing here? He said, um,
karate tournament. So they like it's just gonna be somewhere
else in US, somewhere this secret karate it's on the beach.

(27:21):
It's like the scene from Karate Kid where he's like
doing the crane thing on the beach. It's just like
thirty dudes lined up and then all with short haircuts,
wearing short sleeve shirts and a topless Hello seventies, I
don't know. Well, here's that's the thing. When you're talking
about a tie. So this karate tournament shows up and
they're all in suits exactly like dotal Flex and at

(27:43):
that time they look like agents always kind of look
like Ati agents. They look like, oh yeah, So they
got all these guys that show up in suits for
their karate tournament with weapons. I guess it's the shotgun
karate tournament. And then they rent these cars and so
somehow they're able to keep this. Everyone bought the karate

(28:06):
ad in the local key West newspaper, like announcing like
there's going to be this big karate thing. You know,
if they had me on staff, I'm all about logistics
and details, so I'd be like, you guys, you can't
go down there and then and let me just take
out an ad and then I'll put it as like
a day that doesn't exist. Yeah, exactly. So it's on
like Saturday that we're going to have this karate tournament.

(28:28):
It's going to be at the ramada of the room,
an address that doesn't exist. It's kind of like on
Law and Order when they have the address of the
like that they go to when they put it on
the screen, most of them, if you look at it,
I've been told I haven't done orational that. It's like
in the middle of the river. It's not a real address,
so you couldn't use it on like direction. Yeah. So

(28:49):
if the street, if like eight street only goes up
to block, you say, you're in the two thousand block. Okay,
So that's the totally the phone number, remember whatever, totally.
So that's what they should have done, but they got
away with it, so I'll allow it. Um. So they hotels.
The morning of September nine, thirty federal agents got into

(29:14):
unmarked cars and proceeded to spend the next five hours
or so arresting nineteen dudes. What about their karate they
had to help put that's at nighttime. It's night karate,
Like we're here for the night karate tournament. Um, the
first guy they get bumfardo nice respect. You start at
the top. You remember what he did when the agents

(29:36):
jumped out of the unmarked car to arrest him, right
through the evidence apparently at them. Well, you know, he
pulls off the diamond pinky ring that Larry dollars. That's like,
I don't have it anymore. I think, yeah, you figured
if I give it back then it's a refund. There
wasn't the sale take it. He loved the pinky ring
though totally fit his style. So he was he lost,

(29:57):
he knows. Um. So while he was certainly the salute flashiest,
he was also the very bottom rung of this operation.
He was super super small time chief was not in charge. No,
they started at the bottom and then worked their way
up arrest wise that day, so they bust him on
the weed and coke sales. And then they also when
they raided his house they found a couple of shot

(30:17):
off shotguns. They got him on that. Okay, Yeah, So
Bumfardo and the other arrestees were all bailed out by um.
This guy who was also arrested, the bail bondsman. He
posted bail for all of them. Do it from the
jail cell? Yeah, um. And then Bumfardo he turns on.

(30:41):
He hires a defense attorney, Manny James, who was also
arrested that day. Now, somehow the charges against Manny James
get dropped and he never goes to trial somehow, but
Bumfardo his trial is set for February night. These are

(31:01):
federal cases. So the night before it's all set to start,
bum Fardo goes to see his family doctor. Yeah, you
know you want to get right before court. Well, he
tells the doctor, Man, I'm in so much pain right now,
it hurts. Does it hurt my tummy? Bum Fardo said
his tummy hurt? Get out? He did. He said his

(31:22):
stomach was killing him. Um. The doctor later was like,
you know, he came in. He looked real pale, he
looked bad, looked in a bad way, and he's only
tummy and so Um. The doctor diagnoses him with severe
stomach ulcers. Oh yeah, something that I think that Farto
had had in the past. But so the doctor. The

(31:44):
doctor right on the note he has tummy ulcers. He
was like bad Tom Tom and then a frowny face. Um.
The doctor diagnoses him with the stomach ulcers. He prescribes
really strong, like super strong antacids, and he tells him,
you have to be admitted to the hospital. This is
really really bad. You got a bad timmy. Um. He's

(32:06):
super understanding and supportive, you know, don't you think so?
If your name is Bumfardo, what hospital do you go to? Oh?
I'm gonna not do well with this. I'm gonna say
the Slappy Pappy Home for Elder and abandoned fathers. That's
really close. Bumfardo was sent to the Depo hospital. You're

(32:29):
making this stuff. No, I don't care what you tell me.
You're making this stuff up. That's the name of the hospital.
D E like capital D, lower case E capital po o.
It's like French. That's probably more like Spanish. Um I okay,

(32:51):
I am both lauded and derided for what one disgruntled
listener termed me is dropping a gross out. I don't
think this qualifies. This is just a truthful statement. Now
we're doing it in a very juvenile way. To Pooh
Hospital for problems with his bad bad time. So there's
Bumfardo sitting in the Pooh. Why this is custom when

(33:17):
this happened where they like someday this woman and Elizabeth
Dutton is going to tell this story is going to
delight her. I didn't know I said so much gross
stuff until I started doing this show. And it turns out,
I guess I do. You learned something new every day
sometimes about yoursel A lot of self discovery that I'm
going through here. So Bumfardo sitting in the Pooh. The

(33:37):
d a's office sends over a doctor to examine Bumfardo,
and they declared that he didn't have severe ales. There's
a minute, they're like, pop a couple of times your
tom tummies. Uh, no reason you can't go to court, maman.
So the trial then actually starts. Bumfardo did not testify,
Larry Dollar testified. Oh in shut case. So much evidence.

(34:03):
So the jury takes thirty minutes and they convict Bumfarto
on the unch break. Let's just know they're paying for
lunch's get this now, so um misdemeanor count selling the weed,
to felony counts for the selling of the coke um
And then they were going to do the prosecutions, pushing
for the maximum sentence. Didn't go for a battery of

(34:25):
an officer by throwing a diamond ring at him. I know,
they all these enhancements that could have had. They want
thirty one years for Bumfardo for the one is the
one year for the weed, but they want fifteen years
each for the cocaine charges because a distributor I suppose,
I don't know. One week after the trial, and you know,

(34:48):
Bumfarto's awaiting sentencing at this point, and he has another
weapons charge hanging over the off shotguns. So he's waiting
on those. That's like in two months or something. Um.
He tells his wife. He like, honey, I'm going to
drive to Miami and see a friend of mine. I
need to get out. I just I need the air.
Have been tough lately, you know, they took away all

(35:09):
my sawd off shotguns. I have been able to get
blow from Manny James. It's been a tough time for Fardo.
Dear Mrs Fardo, big farto, love of my life, Mrs Fardo,
her name is tiny Fardo. That I made it, so,
he says, I gotta go to Miami to see a friend.
When we come back from this break, I'm going to
tell you about bum Fardo's road trip. Zarin, how are

(35:50):
you you old so and so? Oh you're still here? Yeah, Hey,
what's up, Elizabeth. It's just been sitting here in the dark.
The last time we were together here, I was telling
you about Bumfardo. Yes, you were old Bumfardo, Key West
fire chief, small time low level drug dealer, and fashion
plate incredible fashionista. According to the accounts that I've read,

(36:13):
it seems like pretty much everyone in town was at
least doing some level low level dealing or running, so
he wasn't stand out in that way. Kids were selling bricks,
a hash lemonade stands, old ladies had hollowed out copies
of Reader's Digest filled with baggies of coat, you know,
small town living. Um. Then there's bumfardo right, he's wearing

(36:34):
these flashy red leisure suits, his rose colored glasses. We
cannot forget that that he's wearing these pink tinted lenses
all so amazing gold for days, these drippings. Uh selling
coke in the parking lot of the fire station. I
imagine he's the kind of guy who has like a
gold bracelet. And then on the gold bracelet is a
gold bracelet, Yes, gold on gold on We heard you

(36:57):
like gold bracelet? How about so? Um? I also, can
I just take a time out for a second to
talk about the hit Fox TV show nine one? One?
Can I tell you that Bobby on the hit Fox
TV show one he may have killed his whole family
in a fiery fit of drunken ineptitude spoiler alert firefighter. Yeah,

(37:19):
but he would never sell coke in the parking lot
of whatever station number they are that floats all over
Los Angeles unless Angela Bassett needed him to sell the coke,
and then he'd be pushing that product like she would
be so disappointed in him, she'd give him that side.
I pursed face. Yeah, so Bobby wouldn't do that, bum
Farto though he's pushing small weight gets busted Angela Bassett.

(37:43):
Yeah right, what's about Mrs Farto? Step up? She needs
to just drive a police cruiser around and do busting
on her own. Um So, anyway, bum Farto. Back to
nine one. I went from some one who never watched TV.
This is the damage of the of the of the

(38:05):
pandemic that I suddenly started. I was fascinated that this
was a hit TV show. I've never heard of it,
and I started watching it. And then I was like
hate watching it, and now I love it. That's happened.
That's what happens with hate watching it turns into now
I can't say the same. I still hate watch nine eleven,
wrote lone Star whenever the but that's look at look

(38:26):
at what I've been broken by the pandemic. Or we
can put it another way. You were broken, and you're broken.
Places were filled in with gold, the gold of nine
one one I'm really bummed that the season just ended.
What am I going to do over the summer? I
don't even know. Call me when it's over. So back
to Bumfardom. He's cool in his heels, trying to awaiting

(38:49):
his fate maybe thirty one years. Who's to say? That's
just so He's like, I gotta let off some steam.
I got to I have to go to Miami. Then
saw Miami. See my friend the Doorado. Well, the problem
is the Eldorado was a City Carl mobile. He didn't
have a car anymore. It's just sitting in an impound blot,

(39:12):
I would imagine. Or they're painting it. Like he's standing there,
one tear running down his face as he's watching them
paint the car. Put it into the what's the spray coat?
What's it called something coat? Anyways, I'm sure someone will
send me a message about it. Um. Anyway, So the
l a car not his. Um, So he rents a
nineteen seventy six Pontiac Lamon's, which is exactly the car

(39:37):
my grandpa had when I was little land Ya yeah, um,
what color do you think the rental was? Close? Red? Darn?
He has to get a red car. So he tells
his wife, look, just going up to Miami. I'll be
back tonight. Off he goes, no luggage, just vibes heading
to Miami. The only way to go to Miami. Of course,

(39:58):
just two weeks ago. I no bumfardo. Now, when I
say no bumfardo, it kind of sounds like someone trying
to talk about their gastro intestinal distress in like a problematic, insensitive,
geographically amorphous, choppy accent. I'm really sorry about that, but
no bumfardo. Um. So people are starting to wonder where

(40:21):
a pediatrician talking no, no, no, no, no, no bumfardo.
Are you going to the doctor? You're like, what's wrong?
No bumfardo. It's been weeks. Um alright, gross outs right
and left. People are starting to wonder, where's bumfardo? Where's

(40:43):
my bumfardo? Um? When asked his wife, Um was asked like, well,
where's where's bumfardo? Lady fardo? She's Her answer was it
gets me too upset. I don't want to about it, yeah,
she said, I'm I can't say anything. It gets me

(41:04):
too upset. Okay, So I love that response. That's my
response for everything from now on. I can't talk about it.
It gets me to upset. No Bumfardo. Um. Pretty soon
there's a man hunt underway of Farto hunt. The cops
are searching all over high and low and they come
up empty. In the meanwhile, he gets convicted in absentia

(41:28):
on the weapons charges. Yeah. So, three weeks after he
left the Lamans was found in Miami on Kaya o
cho A Street in Little Havana is um covered in
parking tickets, just resplendent in parking tickets. Um. And it

(41:50):
looked like, based on the dates on the tickets, that
he had been parked there for at least two weeks.
Oh yeah. Beyond that, though they had nothing, law enforcement
had no idea where Bumfardo went. So I'm guessing he
cut and run and didn't he cut and didn't get
cut and then disappear like he doesn't know enough to
be taken out. Well, but deadly Farto. His silence was deadly. Um.

(42:18):
Everyone else though, So the cops were like, where's Bumfardo?
I don't know. Everyone else has ideas, like you coming
up with ideas. So the Miami Harold they interviewed a
bunch of people in that June of six and They
asked them, what do you think? What do you think
happened to Bumfardo? And these are just these are solid

(42:39):
gold responses. I'm gonna do dramatic readings would So the
first one Charles Felton, he's a friend of Bumfarto's, and
he says, I think bums alive. I just had that
feeling faith and all that is. You know, he's a
breezy fellow. Yeah. And so then they talked to this

(42:59):
low well store clerk named Suellen Gibson, and she says,
most people think he was killed because the rest of
them got away with it and they're still here. I
think he just lost himself somewhere. Very nice, right, Yeah,
I could hear. Thank you so much. Um, I'll accept
my words later. So then we get to we get

(43:20):
to Jennifer Smith. She says he's back living it up
in Cuba. He's back anywhere. Who knows? Who cares? Your girl?
I love that is my whose who cares? I love?
I love the phrase who cares? So much? And I
love he's back living it up in Cuba, honey. He
never came from Cuba like his family was from Spain.

(43:42):
He was born here he went up back to Cuba
or whatever. Jennifer Kitcher acting who get out of here.
Then we got Tom Debays, another guy who's interviewed. He says,
I think he's wiped out because he too much, probably
dumped were board from some shrimp boat to the old
Sement shooting. Either that it's in the Staten Island. Okay,

(44:06):
so we got a New York transplanting key West Staton Island.
First of all, the old Sement shoot thing. I want
to apologize for all my accents right now, though I'm
not meaning and like, I'm just trying to inhabit these characters.
I'm just trying to give them a rich life and experience. Okay,

(44:28):
all right, they inhabited me with life. I feel like
everyone's gonna get mad at me now as you want
me to do worst accents, I can take some heat.
You always you put yourself in the fiery line for
me too often on these things. So but yeah, Staten Island.
Why Staten Island? Who knows? Who cares? Quite frankly, David Johnson,

(44:49):
hotel maintenance and repair man, said, Mom Fardo is definitely
alive and well and living in Spain. I noticed in
time Manny James walked in there with a T shirt
that said bum is Alive and Well and Spain. Right,

(45:13):
he's alive because Manny James, according to David Johnson, is
strutting around in a T shirt that says bum is
Alive and well in Spain. I get all of my
news from novel by T shirts. If I see it
on a T shirt, that's how I know what's going
on in world events. So I say this guy, it
says if you bought it, a trucker brought it. You're like, well,
that's true. It's true. Um. Then, So there are theories

(45:36):
floating around about South America, Cuba, Spain, New York. Theories
that he's dead, that he's in witness protection. To this day,
no one knows what happened to him. Who knows, who cares? Really, yeah,
no one knows. He managed actually disappears. He's a disappearing
fartough he just vanished, just a puff um. That mystery, though,

(46:02):
drove an entire cottage industry for a while. They're in
key West. As speculation mounted as to the whereabouts of Bumfardo,
novelty shops and Key West started selling T shirts that
read where is Bumfardo So T shirts once again. June
nineteen seventy six, just a couple of months after the disappearance,

(46:23):
shops had sold more than a thousand shirts. I'm I'm
going to add this to my list of novelty shirts
that I need to get, Like I have to have
one of these. Paul Taylor, one of the owners of
these novelty shops, said, quote, people sometimes buy five or
six of them at a time, like they're into some
kind of group identity trip. It's probably kids who like
to do a lot of coke. People have seen the

(46:44):
T shirts as far away as California, and then they
get to Key West. They come in and ask for them.
They come from New York and they say, listen, we
were in Fire Island and people are talking about them.
They had seen them on their on TV too. Everyone
can relate to a bum far to fire chief who
was busted for a cocaine and missing. It's kind of
like a future Key West folklore. Everyone can relate to.

(47:06):
It's the most relatable thing ever, a fire chief named
Bumfarto who disappeared after a cocaine I mean, what is
more relatable? How many times we heard that story boy
meets girl boy and loses girl Bumfarto tries to sell cocaine, disappears.
It's a story of all the time. It's a trope
at this point. I mean, I mean, it's a little stale.
The other day I was watching a Colombo and they
had a bump Farto riff that they were doing. I

(47:28):
hope they have it on. Um. You know, it's just
the kids who like to do a lot of coke
running the T shirt business there. So the shirts get
super popularized by none other than Jimmy Buffett. Oh, the
parrot head in chief. Yeah, he was seen wearing one
on stage. Mr Buffet wearing a shirt. Can I admit
something to you? Go ahead. My grandparents sold Jimmy Buffett

(47:53):
T shirts in their store that was named after Key West. Wow, yes,
Key West Fragrances in Hampa. Actually he's in clear Water.
They had the store on the beach and they sold
Jimmy Buffett T shirts. And that's how I know who Jimmy.
They sold Jimmy T shirts to Jimmy buff They sold
Jimmy Buffett made T shirts. And this is like in
the eighties, and it would be like a T shirt

(48:14):
from like Welcome to Margarita, a T shirt, picture of
T shirt, but like with his artwork, and so it's
all like cartoons. I gotta wait, hold on, hold on. Okay,
So first I thought they were selling T shirts to
Jimmy Buffett. Then I thought they were selling T shirts
with photos of Jimmy Buffet screen on them. Know, so
it's Jimmy Buffett creates T shirts with his artwork on it. Yes,

(48:36):
around this time that smells like coconut oil. Yes, and
broken pop tops. Oh well, apparently Jimmy Buffett, you're the
life bladder your grandparents business. Um. He wrote bumfarto into
a song lyric. Now, my distaste for Mr Buffett prohibited
me from looking up that lyric. I don't like Jimmy Buffett.

(48:59):
Are we gonna have a moment here? Who knows? Who cares? Yeah? No,
I can't stand them, really yeah, I cancel that plist.
I just can't take it. But I'll tell you, like
a strong Jimmy Buffett memory I have is that when
I was little, like young, maybe like ten, our neighbors
across the street UM had their friends over and they
were all going to go to a Jimmy Buffett concert

(49:21):
and they were tying went on in the afternoon and yeah,
and the friends are like middle aged right there, the
whole face, like the kids across the street their parents.
And so the lady there, the friend I was sitting like,
I'm riding my bike and she's in the driveway drinking
with all her friends. And I was supposed to like
water their plants or something while they were out getting

(49:42):
hammered at the Jimmy Buffett and the lady I don't
know her, and she says to me, she was like,
come here, come here, come here. And I go up
to her and Watte's got like, well, she's got like
a Virginia hanging out of her mouth. And she goes,
you know, I gotta tell you something. You know what
the best cure for her hangover is. And I'm just
like yeah, and I'm flatlining staring at her. She's like

(50:03):
a tuna sandwich, French fries and a chocolate milkshake. But
you gotta dip the fries and the milkshake. But it's
got to be a tuna sandwich. I didn't now, no,
I was. I am a very polite person, no matter
what I think about them, Like I can't help myself.
I didn't say a word. I just turned out on
my bike and road away. And so I hope this

(50:28):
remembers that story too. I don't think she remembers. And
so anytime I hear about Jimmy Buffett, I think of that.
And then I started thinking about tuna sandwiches, and I'm like,
you know what I like to the sandwiches. Don't really
like Jimmy Buffett. Have you ever dipped the fries in
the shake? Though? No, I have friends who swear by that.
I bet friends swear by Jimmyuffett. So anyway, who knows?
Who cares to quote Jennifer Smith? Um? What what saren?

(50:51):
Is your ridiculous takeaway here in this wealth of ridiculousness
that we've waded through like the drifts of cocaine on
the streets, Key west Um, I would say, my ridiculous
takeaway is, if you're named bum Farto and you you
have a wife and she's willing to take your last name,

(51:14):
treat her right, or when you disappear, she will not
care and not want to talk about it. I think
if you're named bum Farto, that is a promise you're
making to the world and you have to you have
to come through. You got up on that. He came
through very much did as as somebody with a strange name.
He's up in the pantheon a strange name people. He's
fulfilling the contract. Yeah, definitely the social contract with the

(51:36):
crazy name. I know I've said this a lot lately,
but you gotta love a good character, Yeah, I mean
wacky characters in authentic ways. Yes, yes, not that trying hard,
they just are that. Yeah, Because like I feel like
right now, we get a lot of people who are
being quirky or eccentric and kind of a put on way.
It's intentional and precious, theatrical and performative, and it's meant

(51:57):
for you, not for them, right. I like people who
are just strange and they can't help it. Who knows
who cares, right, and they're not apologetic about it, but
they're also not trying to get attention. And yeah, so
wearing red, having an all red house, that's really rad
and weird. I like it. Um, the man's named Bumfardo,

(52:17):
you don't care, you can change his name, No, you
give it them. I like that kind of organic weirdness,
true presentation of goofy. You can say it gases you
up well, and it's it's it's so steamy. Um. Quirky
behavior and lifestyles now are too attached to pre manufactured
and commercial things. That's my statement. I take away A

(52:41):
book series or a film franchise isn't a personality. I'm
going off into my own screed right now, but it's like,
doesn't make you an outsider. That's a mainstream thing. And
outsider is Bumfardo dressed in red selling coke at a
fire station, the prophecy of his name game that he

(53:02):
brought from the city. Yeah, exactly. Get back to me.
When you're named for a bodily function and you flex
on spirits at a little league game to bring it,
bring it, Bumfardo. That's my takeaway. I like that he's
willing to ask for the you know, the protection of
the Spirits for little League, not for like the national game,
not for like, oh this local team, like the exactly,

(53:25):
the Spirits have their back. That's all I have. I'm
all that was good, Like your cup overfloweth with Bumfardo.
That's it. You can find us online at Ridiculous Crime
on both Twitter and Instagram. If you have a tip
for us about a Ridiculous Crime confession, email us Ridiculous
Crime at gmail dot com and then tune in next time.

(53:50):
Ridiculous Crime is hosted by Elizabeth Dutton and Zarin Burnett,
produced and edited by Undercover parenthead Dave Kuston. Research is
by senior Arson investigator Marissa Brown. The theme song is
by sawed Off Shotguns Smithies Thomas Lee and Travis Dutton.
Executive producers are key Line Pie Aficionado's Ben boll And
and Mell Brown. Ride Say It One More Time We

(54:18):
Dequeous Crew. Ridiculous Crime is a production of iHeart Radio.
Four more podcasts to my heart Radio, visit the iHeart
Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your
favorite shows.