September 10, 2025 • 24 mins
We’ve seen some of the most insightful comments from this week’s “Ask Amy & T.J.” column. A Dad wrote in and wants to know if he should get his vasectomy reversed for his second wife…. And boy did our readers have some experience fueled advice for him!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, the folks. It is Wednesday, September the tenth, and
one of our readers wrote in asking for some very
serious relationship advice, And what we want to say right
now is thank you to so many of you who
opened up and really helped this guy out of a
situation that it seems like so many others have dealt with.
(00:24):
And with that, welcome to this ask Amy and TJ
edition of Amy and TJ Rhodes. I think I'm trying
to put it in the right way. We've been doing
this column with Yahoo for a little while now. The
responses on this one are the most what we've gotten
so far, the most intimate, personal, vulnerable sincere kind even
(00:46):
in a lot of.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Ways, all of what you just mentioned are true, Yes,
because I think a lot I didn't realize how many
people out there have dealt with this. And truly, if
you've ever been divorced, and if you've ever thought that
you're you know, most people when they get married and
they have kids, they feel like that's it, that's their
forever family. And often cases we know that that's just
(01:07):
not true, and so decisions you make with one family
suddenly are not necessarily in line with what you need
or want with your next wife or your next relationship.
And so this is a very relatable situation where a
man had a aseectomy after having two kids with his
first wife, gets divorced, marries another woman. She knows he's
had of aseectomy, and now four years later she says, hey,
(01:31):
could you get your vasectomy reversed and could we have
our own family? And this hit a nerve with a
lot of readers who have had very similar experiences.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
No, I didn't think until we've kind of start talking
about this. Now we talk about specifically of a sectomy.
But isn't it the case? Isn't it almost every relationship
you come to some point some conversation has to be
had about kids. Yes, who wants them? Who doesn't? Who
wants them how badly? Who doesn't? Can you compromise and
the win? So I guess in a lot of ways, yes,
(02:02):
even if you haven't dealt with an issue of aseectomy
in your relationship, the issue of kids is always there.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
And from what I have read over the years, most
relationship experts will say that if you have a disagreement
about whether or not to have kids, that is relationship ending,
because if you deny someone that very understandable biological emotional need, want,
desire to have a child, and to forego that for love.
(02:31):
It most likely will be relationship ending at some point
because resentment builds. And you also have a finite number
of years where that's even possible. And so if a woman, specifically,
women have a much shorter ability to have children in
terms of men can be having kids until their nineties,
but women obviously have a very short window of time.
(02:52):
And so if someone feels like someone stole that time
from her or she wasted that time with someone, that's
a common theme we hear a lot. It's just a
it is a relationship ender if you aren't in agreement
in a lot of cases.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Yeah, that's you mentioned the that's added pressure too. This
is already a difficult thing, and then you're looking at
a clock as you're having this conversation with your loved one,
your spouse. So yeah, maybe that's why this really really
did strike a nerve with a lot of people. So
let's give you now the original question that we got
from this. Dad didn't give a name, just signed off
as dad can't decide, but wrote into us asking Amy and.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
Teacher I'm a forty five year old man with two
kids from my first marriage. After having those children, I
got a vasectomy. I remarried four years ago and told
my current wife about my visectomy while we were dating.
Now she is asking me if I would want to
get the vissectomy reversed so we can have our own family.
What should I do? Asks, Dad can't decide, and our.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
General or my I'll speak to Advice was just you
have to speak to each other immediately. This conversation has
to be had. But I also wanted to remind them
that your relationship is good if you love each other.
Nothing has changed about each other. Keep that in mind.
But it does. So you were just saying about this
(04:13):
being a relationship ender. If they could have had this
conversation when they first started dating, I have a vasectomy,
Well I want kids, it wouldn't have been a date too.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
Probably not so.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
If she has changed now and now she's someone who
definitely wants kids, that could be a relationship in there. Yeah,
that's unfortunate. If they are in a solid, yeah relationship of.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
It, and that's sad and scary. And I can understand
why he doesn't know what to do because he probably
is acutely aware that if he says no, that that
could be the end of his second marriage, and that
is significant. And so I just asked him to really
be honest with himself what does he want? Because that's
not something you can undo. And he knows that all
too well, with having had two other children. But his
(04:57):
age is an issue. Forty five years old, you know,
that's something to consider. And people have children in their
forties all the time, but it comes at a much
different expense when you're that much older. You know, you
now are thinking about I'm going to be going to
college graduations or high school graduations in my sixties, when
a lot of folks are welcoming grandchildren. So it is
(05:18):
an important thing to think about where you want to
be in your life, not now, but twenty years from now. Right.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
So, and I always ask this before you get into
the reader comments, men or women? What were you getting majority?
Speaker 2 (05:29):
See? I felt like there were a good mix, but again,
oh I'm looking at our thing. It's well, you know what,
it's a mix. But still I do think that men
still weigh in more. It's so interesting. I totally would
have thought it was the opposite, but we'll begin with
a woman. Okay, and this is a bit of a
long comment, but I really liked what she had to
say because she gave some personal experience and then gave advice,
(05:52):
and I thought it was really really good. So this
came from Danielle. Danielle, thank you for this. This was
really really cool, she writes, I can understand why feelings change,
especially about having children together with the person you love.
I do feel he discussed this with her in the
beginning and she is having a change of heart. Quick background.
I was thirty three and my husband was forty two
(06:13):
when we met. He has one kid and I don't
have any kids. When things turned serious, he told me
he had a sectomy, but would be willing to have
a reversal or discuss adoption with me if we decided
to have children together. I thanked him for bringing up
this important topic, but that I was good just getting
his kid raised so that we could go about our lives,
which we have done. Back to this couple, if he
(06:36):
still does not want any more children, then he should
stick with that. I know it isn't the same as
having children, but maybe this couple can find something new
to focus on. And do together, whether it's learning a language,
joining a hiking club, visiting all the Major League Baseball stadiums, pottery, metalwork,
charity work, etc. I agree with Amy that new things
come up all the time in a relationship and you
(06:56):
have to make choices, but if you can make them
together with respect, that's the best way forward. Good luck
to this couple. I hope whatever decision they make together
makes their relationship even stronger.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Thank you for that, and thank you for folks who
take the time to write that kind of thing down.
And sometimes people are quick and can be dismissive or
make you know, I just want to give a quick,
quick response that was thoughtful, and this is someone who
wrote into us who genuinely needs help and is struggling
with something. So I really just appreciate first and foremost
just that she took time and was that compassionate.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
I know it stood out to me too, because yes,
we do get a lot of snarky comments, and they
can be funny in one offs, but this is actually
someone's life who they're putting out there for the world,
and they're asking for help. So I appreciated Danielle's advice.
All Right, we'll move on next to Phil. Phil writes
in the comments and says, I'm forty eight and started
dating last year after being a widower for four years.
(07:49):
My son is thirteen. There is no way I would
start over. I would be pushing seventy realistically, if I
met someone and decided to have a kid. A kid
deserves a dad, not a grandpa. I thought that was interesting.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
I think that's an interesting something to think about there that.
Of course, plenty of older dads who would take issue
with that. That can be healthy, But generally speaking, I
don't think that's far fetched to say that, And it
almost he almost takes the position that it's unfair to
the child, like you're not doing right by a kid
to put the child in a position to have a
dad as old as you could possibly be. Or the guys,
(08:30):
I guess I we'll find out in a second. But
was there a theme to the men.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
Yes, they were very much on dad who can't decide
yes side, saying hey, you made the decision, already stick
with it. But there are some cautionary tales for folks
who have reversed. So can I ask, though she.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Can change her mind? Can't? He though? If she can
change her mind. He can't, but it seems like it's
being prompted by something else and not his own.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
If he was willing to change his mind, he wouldn't
have written in does that was my big like you
need to acknowledge said the reason why you wrote to
us is because you actually don't want to, and you're
almost hoping someone can convince you too, because deep down
you know you don't want.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Okay, So then that's where I am why you err
on the side off he deep down doesn't want to.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
I think that.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Can't he just be undecided? Can't he just be torn
right now and truly trying to figure this thing out? Sure,
it does seem like a danger if someone to be
convinced to have to be talked into a decision. That is,
there are more life altering thing that happens to anyone
than having a kid.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
No, no, no, it is the single most life altering
event that will ever happen to you. All right. Billy
writes this, After having two children with my first wife,
I had a vasectomy. After marrying my second wife, she
decided she wanted children, knowing I'd had a sectamy.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
Okay, the same situation, Yes.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Almost exact same situation. Billy says, I gave in and
had a vasectomy reversal. Okay, all right, it isn't a
major surgery, but it is very uncomfortable for a few days.
The problem is vseectamy reversals rarely work. Mine didn't, and
that led to a second divorce. Guys, be sure to
(10:12):
discuss this at length with any woman you are considering marrying.
You can save yourself a lot of grief by doing this.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
That was a really good I have been there and
done that note. Don't you know, I haven't looked up.
I don't know what the percentage is of how vasectomies.
I thought we'd seen it at some point. But the
idea that he is saying it doesn't matter I that
vaseectamy works or not. This is going to end badly
(10:39):
for you.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Yeap, that is what he's saying. Oh my god, Yes,
all right, So let's get in Steve, because I love
what Steve had to say. His first response. His first
word adopt exclamation points adopt. I had mine done, meaning
he had a vasectomy. I had mine done about ten
years ago, right after I turned thirty. I never wanted kids.
(11:03):
My daughter is eighteen, so I've been thinking about starting
over for a purpose. I adopted an eight year old.
No diapers, no waking up every three hours to feed.
We just throw the ball or kick the soccer ball
every night and we're both happy. That was an interesting alternative.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
These are really good responses today, but that's a different option.
It's essentially saying, change your focus. It's not necessarily about
having your own biological children or having your own biological family.
Even it's having your own unit, your own family, and
you're doing it by actually helping out another human being
and he desperately needs it.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
And interestingly, when you adopt an older child, they're obviously
less adoptable in terms of what people are looking for
or wanting. But you now don't have that old dad thing,
because if you can get a little bit of an
older child, you're not necessarily in the same boat as
starting over with an infant at the age you're at.
It was another way to look at it, and I
thought it was an interesting option that I don't know
if they've considered or not.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
And you know, I wouldn't have thought about that, but
only people who have gone through this, and these are
really good responses this time.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Around, agreed, agreed, all right, want to get in Chris, So,
I don't know if Chris is a man or a woman.
I'm trying to look and see, all right. Chris writes this,
You made your children and your choice, bravo, by the
way she made hers when she married you, knowing you
(12:29):
were fixed.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Haha.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Would she even make a good mother or is she
just attempting to put her stamp on your marriage by
also having children to be equal to your first wife.
That is not at all uncommon and also a terrible
reason to have a baby. If she's insistent at this stage,
you need to ask yourself if you end up with
two ex wives, do you want dual child support? Because that,
(12:55):
my friend, is just as likely as whatever fantasy this
woman has in her head about having your kids. Proceed
with caution. I had never even thought about it from
those perspectives at all. But an interesting point, that Chris
is making a man or a woman? You said, I
can't tell because Chris is one of those names that
could go either way.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Chris sounds like one of one of his boys, like
warning him about everything. Yes, this could happen. Now, what
if she does this? And then you're going to be
divorced twice and then and so a lot of cautionary
tales in there, which I don't mind.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
It's always worth I think you need to hear that.
I think you need to be reminded of what could
happen and look in this like, yes, we all have
this dream in this hope when we marry someone obviously
that you are going to stay married forever. But that
is not the case in fifty percent of marriages, give
or take, so you have to and second marriages, actually,
I believe, have an even higher rate of failure. So
(13:52):
you have to consider all of that that this isn't
just about the marriage or her or saving her. It's
about a child, a human being who will be in
your life forever.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Do you have stats on third marriages as well?
Speaker 2 (14:04):
No, but we can save that for the next episode.
All right, when we come back, we're gonna hear from
Larry Kay in June, who have some very different type
of advice and it's something that we should all consider
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(15:07):
for twenty percent off and free shipping. And welcome back
to this edition of Amy and TJ. This is our
Ask Amy and TJ episode where we read your comments,
the readers who chimed in to give our guy Dad
(15:31):
who can't decide, some advice and some really good advice.
This time around, I really appreciated, we appreciated the readers
who wrote in to say what they have been through
or what they think Dad who can't decide should do.
So we hear this. We've got some long comments, people
telling their stories, but Larry Kay kept it very simple,
(15:52):
and I thought this was really interesting. Larry Kay said,
this sounds like the old I'll just change him routine
when someone tells you who they are. Listen.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Look.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
I do think I'll speak for some women and for myself.
You know what, I'll speak for myself. I do think
a lot of us might go into relationships thinking, Okay,
I like this guy, but I can change him. I
can make him see things my way. I can get
him on board with what I really want. I know
that is manipulation, and I know that is not at
(16:22):
all how we should proceed. But I think a lot
of women do make that mistake. They hear what the
guy says, but they think he's just saying that. Now,
wait till he's madly in love with me, and then
I can get him to do what I want. I
don't know that that's the case here, but it is
something I hadn't considered before that maybe she had all
along wanted kids, but we don't know that for sure.
(16:43):
A lot of the readers, a lot of the comments
insinuated that she knew what she was getting into. She
knew you had of a sectomy, she knew you didn't
want more kids. This is incredibly manipulative on her part.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
I can see where that's coming from. The only reason
I have a little issue with that is because it's
of a sectomy. This is not just a guy saying
he doesn't want to have kids and you think you're
going to convince him later. You're saying you're gonna have
to convince a guy to have a serious surgery later. Yes,
And it's for of a sectomy. That doesn't that often work.
(17:20):
That's that's a lot of rolling of the dice and
long term manipulation for aid and a plan. It's possible.
And I know and you said you're speaking for women,
but we've seen cases before. It can be some of
a sectomy is one thing, or kids is one thing.
It could be something even Yeah, he's wearing his beard
like this now, but I bet later I can get
him to trim and just you know.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Absolutely, it's just all in the same in the same context.
Something else interesting you Just because I was reading through
all of these comments, I didn't put it in here
to read out loud, but someone did point out with
the sectames and we should I'm actually really interested. They said,
if you wait more, If, if if there have been
several years in between when you got the vasectomy and
(18:01):
when it was reversed, your chances of it actually working
go down significantly. So he said he had had a
vasectomy around thirty five, and it wasn't until his early
forties that he wanted he decided to try and have
it reversed. Didn't work, and his doctor had told him
when he got the vasectomy, don't worry, this can easily
be reversed, so he thought when he was getting it,
because he said, at the time he was dating an
(18:22):
older woman who actually didn't want who couldn't have kids
for reasons, and she didn't want to be on any
kind of birth control, so he got the vasectomy for her,
but then fell in love, you know, seven years later,
with some younger woman and he could not have kids.
So he just wanted to remind to all these men
out there who were making decisions about getting a visseectomy
in the first place, don't buy into this line that
(18:43):
a doctor or a surgeon might sell you that you
can easily have it reversed, because that's just not the case.
He was saying. I thought that was interesting.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Wow, I had no idea. I'm looking up all this.
I'm looking at vaseectomy research. Here is a lot about pain.
Can you reverse it? I'm trying to fine what the
percentage of success the success radio is of a physeectomy.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
All I know is it's not guaranteed. It's certainly not guaranteed.
All right, So here's this is from June, and I
thought this was We're going to end on this one
because it's a really interesting and a completely different tone
from all the other comments that we received. So June
wrote in this, I had my tubes tied because I
(19:33):
didn't want to have any more kids with my husband.
Key part of the statement is with my husband, he
was a manchild that required more work than was worth it.
Fast forward a few years after my divorce, I met
the love of my life. I had a reversal and
had two more amazing and beautiful children. So when we
make this decision, there is context to be considered. She's
(19:56):
also saying she thought she didn't want any more kids,
but turns out she just didn't want any more kids
with her then husband. So a lot of people. She
is just warning people who are reading this. If you're
thinking you don't want more kids, ask yourself, do I
not want more kids period? Or do I just not
want more kids with this other person who I'm with?
(20:17):
And some people make decisions based on the relationship they're
in versus their actual desire to have kids or to
not have more kids.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
So she is opening the possibility that minds can change
based on circumstances and who you're around. Correct, It's possible
then that this man was done having kids with that woman.
It's possible he recognized that, and maybe that's why he's
not married to that woman anymore. Correct, So now he's
(20:50):
he should examine should he ask him that himself that question?
Do I want something now with this woman? Does he
already have a knat desire for it? I would be
curious to ask him that, you know.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
I said that this was the last comment, but there
was one I was debating whether or not to add in,
and I'm looking at it now and I want to
add it because this is another completely different viewpoint that
I think Dad, who can't decide, needs to actually hear,
because again, to the point, this isn't necessarily about saving
your marriage or saving your relationship. This is about another
(21:26):
human being who you would be bringing into the world.
Dan Oh says this, I'm lying here reading this story
next to my sleeping ten year old daughter, who was
born after my thirty four year old second wife begged
me to get a reversal and have a child with
her at forty six while we were madly in love.
(21:47):
I already had two older children from my first marriage.
Literally exactly the situation as dad, who can't decide, and
he had the kid. Okay, shortly after she got what
she wanted, she left me. So he has this beautiful
ten year old daughter who he was sleeping next to
us he was reading this. But second wife is gone
(22:07):
and now he has his daughter. And look, he didn't
say he regretted it. He didn't say that he didn't
want to be with his daughter. But it is a
reminder that it isn't about the relationship, it's about the child,
and that's what you have to think about. I think
that's a really that's probably a better note to end on,
because that is what we're talking about, a child.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
That's hard because we're often talking about a family. We're
talking about family. You and I went through this and
had this conversation. I didn't expect to. But you can't
help I'm with we're in a unit now that we
have a design, you and I ain't thought about the
possibility of kids. He ain't thought about I mean, before
we ever started dating ten years ago, you weren't thinking
(22:47):
about having a kid. And now we have something different
and special in a unit that we don't need a
kid to make us whole. We don't need a kid
to take up any more of the time we have
limits it but to have and to be with someone,
to have a relationship like nothing you've had before, you
(23:08):
can't help. It's in us all you can't help but
want Wow, if we had a kit together, that's all.
You can't help it.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Yeah, I think it's some I think it's biology. I
think it's nature. I think when you find that person
you want to be with, you want to share that beautiful,
special thing that you can only share with someone who, yeah,
you're connected with like that, So it makes sense.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
I like and I know. But again for everyone, I
don't think anyone was mean spirited and the things you're read,
but you get perspectives from all over folks saying, hey,
watch out for that woman, check yourself, think about this.
I love it. He got a full range of advice
and some of it we can't give because we didn't
go through what some of those folks said. So I
love it.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
Yeah, But so thank you readers and listeners for chiming in.
We always appreciate what you have to say. The perspective
is amazing and we learn something every time one of
these articles comes out, not just from the problems that
are being posed to us, but the responses we get
from all of you. So thank you for chiming in,
Thank you for listening. We appreciate you. I'm Amy roback
(24:12):
alongside TJ. Holmes. We hope you guys have a wonderful
rest of your day.
Hey, the folks. It is Wednesday, September the tenth, and
one of our readers wrote in asking for some very
serious relationship advice, And what we want to say right
now is thank you to so many of you who
opened up and really helped this guy out of a
situation that it seems like so many others have dealt with.
(00:24):
And with that, welcome to this ask Amy and TJ
edition of Amy and TJ Rhodes. I think I'm trying
to put it in the right way. We've been doing
this column with Yahoo for a little while now. The
responses on this one are the most what we've gotten
so far, the most intimate, personal, vulnerable sincere kind even
(00:46):
in a lot of.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Ways, all of what you just mentioned are true, Yes,
because I think a lot I didn't realize how many
people out there have dealt with this. And truly, if
you've ever been divorced, and if you've ever thought that
you're you know, most people when they get married and
they have kids, they feel like that's it, that's their
forever family. And often cases we know that that's just
(01:07):
not true, and so decisions you make with one family
suddenly are not necessarily in line with what you need
or want with your next wife or your next relationship.
And so this is a very relatable situation where a
man had a aseectomy after having two kids with his
first wife, gets divorced, marries another woman. She knows he's
had of aseectomy, and now four years later she says, hey,
(01:31):
could you get your vasectomy reversed and could we have
our own family? And this hit a nerve with a
lot of readers who have had very similar experiences.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
No, I didn't think until we've kind of start talking
about this. Now we talk about specifically of a sectomy.
But isn't it the case? Isn't it almost every relationship
you come to some point some conversation has to be
had about kids. Yes, who wants them? Who doesn't? Who
wants them how badly? Who doesn't? Can you compromise and
the win? So I guess in a lot of ways, yes,
(02:02):
even if you haven't dealt with an issue of aseectomy
in your relationship, the issue of kids is always there.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
And from what I have read over the years, most
relationship experts will say that if you have a disagreement
about whether or not to have kids, that is relationship ending,
because if you deny someone that very understandable biological emotional need, want,
desire to have a child, and to forego that for love.
(02:31):
It most likely will be relationship ending at some point
because resentment builds. And you also have a finite number
of years where that's even possible. And so if a woman, specifically,
women have a much shorter ability to have children in
terms of men can be having kids until their nineties,
but women obviously have a very short window of time.
(02:52):
And so if someone feels like someone stole that time
from her or she wasted that time with someone, that's
a common theme we hear a lot. It's just a
it is a relationship ender if you aren't in agreement
in a lot of cases.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Yeah, that's you mentioned the that's added pressure too. This
is already a difficult thing, and then you're looking at
a clock as you're having this conversation with your loved one,
your spouse. So yeah, maybe that's why this really really
did strike a nerve with a lot of people. So
let's give you now the original question that we got
from this. Dad didn't give a name, just signed off
as dad can't decide, but wrote into us asking Amy and.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
Teacher I'm a forty five year old man with two
kids from my first marriage. After having those children, I
got a vasectomy. I remarried four years ago and told
my current wife about my visectomy while we were dating.
Now she is asking me if I would want to
get the vissectomy reversed so we can have our own family.
What should I do? Asks, Dad can't decide, and our.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
General or my I'll speak to Advice was just you
have to speak to each other immediately. This conversation has
to be had. But I also wanted to remind them
that your relationship is good if you love each other.
Nothing has changed about each other. Keep that in mind.
But it does. So you were just saying about this
(04:13):
being a relationship ender. If they could have had this
conversation when they first started dating, I have a vasectomy,
Well I want kids, it wouldn't have been a date too.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
Probably not so.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
If she has changed now and now she's someone who
definitely wants kids, that could be a relationship in there. Yeah,
that's unfortunate. If they are in a solid, yeah relationship of.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
It, and that's sad and scary. And I can understand
why he doesn't know what to do because he probably
is acutely aware that if he says no, that that
could be the end of his second marriage, and that
is significant. And so I just asked him to really
be honest with himself what does he want? Because that's
not something you can undo. And he knows that all
too well, with having had two other children. But his
(04:57):
age is an issue. Forty five years old, you know,
that's something to consider. And people have children in their
forties all the time, but it comes at a much
different expense when you're that much older. You know, you
now are thinking about I'm going to be going to
college graduations or high school graduations in my sixties, when
a lot of folks are welcoming grandchildren. So it is
(05:18):
an important thing to think about where you want to
be in your life, not now, but twenty years from now. Right.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
So, and I always ask this before you get into
the reader comments, men or women? What were you getting majority?
Speaker 2 (05:29):
See? I felt like there were a good mix, but again,
oh I'm looking at our thing. It's well, you know what,
it's a mix. But still I do think that men
still weigh in more. It's so interesting. I totally would
have thought it was the opposite, but we'll begin with
a woman. Okay, and this is a bit of a
long comment, but I really liked what she had to
say because she gave some personal experience and then gave advice,
(05:52):
and I thought it was really really good. So this
came from Danielle. Danielle, thank you for this. This was
really really cool, she writes, I can understand why feelings change,
especially about having children together with the person you love.
I do feel he discussed this with her in the
beginning and she is having a change of heart. Quick background.
I was thirty three and my husband was forty two
(06:13):
when we met. He has one kid and I don't
have any kids. When things turned serious, he told me
he had a sectomy, but would be willing to have
a reversal or discuss adoption with me if we decided
to have children together. I thanked him for bringing up
this important topic, but that I was good just getting
his kid raised so that we could go about our lives,
which we have done. Back to this couple, if he
(06:36):
still does not want any more children, then he should
stick with that. I know it isn't the same as
having children, but maybe this couple can find something new
to focus on. And do together, whether it's learning a language,
joining a hiking club, visiting all the Major League Baseball stadiums, pottery, metalwork,
charity work, etc. I agree with Amy that new things
come up all the time in a relationship and you
(06:56):
have to make choices, but if you can make them
together with respect, that's the best way forward. Good luck
to this couple. I hope whatever decision they make together
makes their relationship even stronger.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Thank you for that, and thank you for folks who
take the time to write that kind of thing down.
And sometimes people are quick and can be dismissive or
make you know, I just want to give a quick,
quick response that was thoughtful, and this is someone who
wrote into us who genuinely needs help and is struggling
with something. So I really just appreciate first and foremost
just that she took time and was that compassionate.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
I know it stood out to me too, because yes,
we do get a lot of snarky comments, and they
can be funny in one offs, but this is actually
someone's life who they're putting out there for the world,
and they're asking for help. So I appreciated Danielle's advice.
All Right, we'll move on next to Phil. Phil writes
in the comments and says, I'm forty eight and started
dating last year after being a widower for four years.
(07:49):
My son is thirteen. There is no way I would
start over. I would be pushing seventy realistically, if I
met someone and decided to have a kid. A kid
deserves a dad, not a grandpa. I thought that was interesting.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
I think that's an interesting something to think about there that.
Of course, plenty of older dads who would take issue
with that. That can be healthy, But generally speaking, I
don't think that's far fetched to say that, And it
almost he almost takes the position that it's unfair to
the child, like you're not doing right by a kid
to put the child in a position to have a
dad as old as you could possibly be. Or the guys,
(08:30):
I guess I we'll find out in a second. But
was there a theme to the men.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
Yes, they were very much on dad who can't decide
yes side, saying hey, you made the decision, already stick
with it. But there are some cautionary tales for folks
who have reversed. So can I ask, though she.
Speaker 1 (08:46):
Can change her mind? Can't? He though? If she can
change her mind. He can't, but it seems like it's
being prompted by something else and not his own.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
If he was willing to change his mind, he wouldn't
have written in does that was my big like you
need to acknowledge said the reason why you wrote to
us is because you actually don't want to, and you're
almost hoping someone can convince you too, because deep down
you know you don't want.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
Okay, So then that's where I am why you err
on the side off he deep down doesn't want to.
Speaker 2 (09:13):
I think that.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Can't he just be undecided? Can't he just be torn
right now and truly trying to figure this thing out? Sure,
it does seem like a danger if someone to be
convinced to have to be talked into a decision. That is,
there are more life altering thing that happens to anyone
than having a kid.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
No, no, no, it is the single most life altering
event that will ever happen to you. All right. Billy
writes this, After having two children with my first wife,
I had a vasectomy. After marrying my second wife, she
decided she wanted children, knowing I'd had a sectamy.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
Okay, the same situation, Yes.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Almost exact same situation. Billy says, I gave in and
had a vasectomy reversal. Okay, all right, it isn't a
major surgery, but it is very uncomfortable for a few days.
The problem is vseectamy reversals rarely work. Mine didn't, and
that led to a second divorce. Guys, be sure to
(10:12):
discuss this at length with any woman you are considering marrying.
You can save yourself a lot of grief by doing this.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
That was a really good I have been there and
done that note. Don't you know, I haven't looked up.
I don't know what the percentage is of how vasectomies.
I thought we'd seen it at some point. But the
idea that he is saying it doesn't matter I that
vaseectamy works or not. This is going to end badly
(10:39):
for you.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Yeap, that is what he's saying. Oh my god, Yes,
all right, So let's get in Steve, because I love
what Steve had to say. His first response. His first
word adopt exclamation points adopt. I had mine done, meaning
he had a vasectomy. I had mine done about ten
years ago, right after I turned thirty. I never wanted kids.
(11:03):
My daughter is eighteen, so I've been thinking about starting
over for a purpose. I adopted an eight year old.
No diapers, no waking up every three hours to feed.
We just throw the ball or kick the soccer ball
every night and we're both happy. That was an interesting alternative.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
These are really good responses today, but that's a different option.
It's essentially saying, change your focus. It's not necessarily about
having your own biological children or having your own biological family.
Even it's having your own unit, your own family, and
you're doing it by actually helping out another human being
and he desperately needs it.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
And interestingly, when you adopt an older child, they're obviously
less adoptable in terms of what people are looking for
or wanting. But you now don't have that old dad thing,
because if you can get a little bit of an
older child, you're not necessarily in the same boat as
starting over with an infant at the age you're at.
It was another way to look at it, and I
thought it was an interesting option that I don't know
if they've considered or not.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
And you know, I wouldn't have thought about that, but
only people who have gone through this, and these are
really good responses this time.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Around, agreed, agreed, all right, want to get in Chris, So,
I don't know if Chris is a man or a woman.
I'm trying to look and see, all right. Chris writes this,
You made your children and your choice, bravo, by the
way she made hers when she married you, knowing you
(12:29):
were fixed.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
Haha.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
Would she even make a good mother or is she
just attempting to put her stamp on your marriage by
also having children to be equal to your first wife.
That is not at all uncommon and also a terrible
reason to have a baby. If she's insistent at this stage,
you need to ask yourself if you end up with
two ex wives, do you want dual child support? Because that,
(12:55):
my friend, is just as likely as whatever fantasy this
woman has in her head about having your kids. Proceed
with caution. I had never even thought about it from
those perspectives at all. But an interesting point, that Chris
is making a man or a woman? You said, I
can't tell because Chris is one of those names that
could go either way.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Chris sounds like one of one of his boys, like
warning him about everything. Yes, this could happen. Now, what
if she does this? And then you're going to be
divorced twice and then and so a lot of cautionary
tales in there, which I don't mind.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
It's always worth I think you need to hear that.
I think you need to be reminded of what could
happen and look in this like, yes, we all have
this dream in this hope when we marry someone obviously
that you are going to stay married forever. But that
is not the case in fifty percent of marriages, give
or take, so you have to and second marriages, actually,
I believe, have an even higher rate of failure. So
(13:52):
you have to consider all of that that this isn't
just about the marriage or her or saving her. It's
about a child, a human being who will be in
your life forever.
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Do you have stats on third marriages as well?
Speaker 2 (14:04):
No, but we can save that for the next episode.
All right, when we come back, we're gonna hear from
Larry Kay in June, who have some very different type
of advice and it's something that we should all consider
before we go to break. I have to tell you
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(14:26):
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(14:47):
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(15:07):
for twenty percent off and free shipping. And welcome back
to this edition of Amy and TJ. This is our
Ask Amy and TJ episode where we read your comments,
the readers who chimed in to give our guy Dad
(15:31):
who can't decide, some advice and some really good advice.
This time around, I really appreciated, we appreciated the readers
who wrote in to say what they have been through
or what they think Dad who can't decide should do.
So we hear this. We've got some long comments, people
telling their stories, but Larry Kay kept it very simple,
(15:52):
and I thought this was really interesting. Larry Kay said,
this sounds like the old I'll just change him routine
when someone tells you who they are. Listen.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Look.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
I do think I'll speak for some women and for myself.
You know what, I'll speak for myself. I do think
a lot of us might go into relationships thinking, Okay,
I like this guy, but I can change him. I
can make him see things my way. I can get
him on board with what I really want. I know
that is manipulation, and I know that is not at
(16:22):
all how we should proceed. But I think a lot
of women do make that mistake. They hear what the
guy says, but they think he's just saying that. Now,
wait till he's madly in love with me, and then
I can get him to do what I want. I
don't know that that's the case here, but it is
something I hadn't considered before that maybe she had all
along wanted kids, but we don't know that for sure.
(16:43):
A lot of the readers, a lot of the comments
insinuated that she knew what she was getting into. She
knew you had of a sectomy, she knew you didn't
want more kids. This is incredibly manipulative on her part.
Speaker 1 (16:56):
I can see where that's coming from. The only reason
I have a little issue with that is because it's
of a sectomy. This is not just a guy saying
he doesn't want to have kids and you think you're
going to convince him later. You're saying you're gonna have
to convince a guy to have a serious surgery later. Yes,
And it's for of a sectomy. That doesn't that often work.
(17:20):
That's that's a lot of rolling of the dice and
long term manipulation for aid and a plan. It's possible.
And I know and you said you're speaking for women,
but we've seen cases before. It can be some of
a sectomy is one thing, or kids is one thing.
It could be something even Yeah, he's wearing his beard
like this now, but I bet later I can get
him to trim and just you know.
Speaker 2 (17:40):
Absolutely, it's just all in the same in the same context.
Something else interesting you Just because I was reading through
all of these comments, I didn't put it in here
to read out loud, but someone did point out with
the sectames and we should I'm actually really interested. They said,
if you wait more, If, if if there have been
several years in between when you got the vasectomy and
(18:01):
when it was reversed, your chances of it actually working
go down significantly. So he said he had had a
vasectomy around thirty five, and it wasn't until his early
forties that he wanted he decided to try and have
it reversed. Didn't work, and his doctor had told him
when he got the vasectomy, don't worry, this can easily
be reversed, so he thought when he was getting it,
because he said, at the time he was dating an
(18:22):
older woman who actually didn't want who couldn't have kids
for reasons, and she didn't want to be on any
kind of birth control, so he got the vasectomy for her,
but then fell in love, you know, seven years later,
with some younger woman and he could not have kids.
So he just wanted to remind to all these men
out there who were making decisions about getting a visseectomy
in the first place, don't buy into this line that
(18:43):
a doctor or a surgeon might sell you that you
can easily have it reversed, because that's just not the case.
He was saying. I thought that was interesting.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Wow, I had no idea. I'm looking up all this.
I'm looking at vaseectomy research. Here is a lot about pain.
Can you reverse it? I'm trying to fine what the
percentage of success the success radio is of a physeectomy.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
All I know is it's not guaranteed. It's certainly not guaranteed.
All right, So here's this is from June, and I
thought this was We're going to end on this one
because it's a really interesting and a completely different tone
from all the other comments that we received. So June
wrote in this, I had my tubes tied because I
(19:33):
didn't want to have any more kids with my husband.
Key part of the statement is with my husband, he
was a manchild that required more work than was worth it.
Fast forward a few years after my divorce, I met
the love of my life. I had a reversal and
had two more amazing and beautiful children. So when we
make this decision, there is context to be considered. She's
(19:56):
also saying she thought she didn't want any more kids,
but turns out she just didn't want any more kids
with her then husband. So a lot of people. She
is just warning people who are reading this. If you're
thinking you don't want more kids, ask yourself, do I
not want more kids period? Or do I just not
want more kids with this other person who I'm with?
(20:17):
And some people make decisions based on the relationship they're
in versus their actual desire to have kids or to
not have more kids.
Speaker 1 (20:26):
So she is opening the possibility that minds can change
based on circumstances and who you're around. Correct, It's possible
then that this man was done having kids with that woman.
It's possible he recognized that, and maybe that's why he's
not married to that woman anymore. Correct, So now he's
(20:50):
he should examine should he ask him that himself that question?
Do I want something now with this woman? Does he
already have a knat desire for it? I would be
curious to ask him that, you know.
Speaker 2 (21:03):
I said that this was the last comment, but there
was one I was debating whether or not to add in,
and I'm looking at it now and I want to
add it because this is another completely different viewpoint that
I think Dad, who can't decide, needs to actually hear,
because again, to the point, this isn't necessarily about saving
your marriage or saving your relationship. This is about another
(21:26):
human being who you would be bringing into the world.
Dan Oh says this, I'm lying here reading this story
next to my sleeping ten year old daughter, who was
born after my thirty four year old second wife begged
me to get a reversal and have a child with
her at forty six while we were madly in love.
(21:47):
I already had two older children from my first marriage.
Literally exactly the situation as dad, who can't decide, and
he had the kid. Okay, shortly after she got what
she wanted, she left me. So he has this beautiful
ten year old daughter who he was sleeping next to
us he was reading this. But second wife is gone
(22:07):
and now he has his daughter. And look, he didn't
say he regretted it. He didn't say that he didn't
want to be with his daughter. But it is a
reminder that it isn't about the relationship, it's about the child,
and that's what you have to think about. I think
that's a really that's probably a better note to end on,
because that is what we're talking about, a child.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
That's hard because we're often talking about a family. We're
talking about family. You and I went through this and
had this conversation. I didn't expect to. But you can't
help I'm with we're in a unit now that we
have a design, you and I ain't thought about the
possibility of kids. He ain't thought about I mean, before
we ever started dating ten years ago, you weren't thinking
(22:47):
about having a kid. And now we have something different
and special in a unit that we don't need a
kid to make us whole. We don't need a kid
to take up any more of the time we have
limits it but to have and to be with someone,
to have a relationship like nothing you've had before, you
(23:08):
can't help. It's in us all you can't help but
want Wow, if we had a kit together, that's all.
You can't help it.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Yeah, I think it's some I think it's biology. I
think it's nature. I think when you find that person
you want to be with, you want to share that beautiful,
special thing that you can only share with someone who, yeah,
you're connected with like that, So it makes sense.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
I like and I know. But again for everyone, I
don't think anyone was mean spirited and the things you're read,
but you get perspectives from all over folks saying, hey,
watch out for that woman, check yourself, think about this.
I love it. He got a full range of advice
and some of it we can't give because we didn't
go through what some of those folks said. So I
love it.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
Yeah, But so thank you readers and listeners for chiming in.
We always appreciate what you have to say. The perspective
is amazing and we learn something every time one of
these articles comes out, not just from the problems that
are being posed to us, but the responses we get
from all of you. So thank you for chiming in,
Thank you for listening. We appreciate you. I'm Amy roback
(24:12):
alongside TJ. Holmes. We hope you guys have a wonderful
rest of your day.
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