July 15, 2025 • 22 mins
In this week’s Yahoo “Ask Amy & T.J.” column, reader “Oralia” asks whether she should make her marriage work even though her husband moved another woman into their home. She even caught them in bed together and does her laundry!!! Thousands of your comments have poured into the Yahoo column, with some of you questioning whether Oralia is real?! We assure you she is, and she needs our advice!
To read their weekly column Ask Amy & T.J., head to Yahoo News https://yhoo.it/AskAmyAndTJ
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, there are folks. One of our listeners wrote into us,
and she really needs some relationship help from all of us.
Oralia is her name, and she said her husband has
moved his mistress into their home, into the home they
used to share together. No no, no, no no no no,
the home that they are still currently sharing. The mistress
(00:25):
has been moved in, So Auralia asks, should she still
fight to save her marriage? My initial thought, what the
actual hell? Robes initial thought, you need to take your
power back. And with that, welcome to this Ask Amy
and TJ edition of Amy and TJ, where we addressed
the question from a reader listener who was written into
(00:45):
us in our weekly Yahoo column. This is the question,
the latest one that we have for this week, Robes.
And you go through the comments and you noticed a
very particular and a theme we haven't seen before.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Yes, several of our readers actually wrote in the comments
section that they didn't believe this was a real woman
with a real question. There was a suggestion that maybe
because this was so outrageous, that it was made up
by Yahoo, made up by us for click bait. And
you know how much if you listen to this podcast,
you know how much we hate clickbait headline, so we
(01:20):
just want to tell you first of all, right now,
we would never be a part of anything that involved
clickbaiting readers or any of you all listening. So we
actually just called our Yahoo producer to make sure. We
asked what the vetting process was, how we knew that
this was actually a real question, and our producer, Natalie
(01:41):
told us this was an verifiable email account first and
last name, and absolutely one percent was from a Yahoo
reader who wrote in with this question. So guys, I
know it's hard to believe, but it is real.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
But it was funny. Our producer even told us we
didn't want to use this oney other either because it
was so out there. It is so wild that they
hesitated to even present it to us. I had, I
didn't think about that, and it is way out there
when we first heard it. But it's real. But you
read through the comments. I don't because I can't. I
(02:14):
can't take it. But give me an idea of better idea, Jimmy,
just how many folks were questioning multiple.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
I would say I had, So there are thousands of comments,
which so this one really struck a chord. A lot
of people had strong reactions, and some people say just
here for the comments because they knew people were going
to go to town on this particular question. Some people wrote
that in but I just I only got through the
first couple of pages of comments, and there were at
least seven eight people questioning whether or not this was
(02:44):
an actual question.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
And I wonder if some people didn't get past the headline,
read more into what she was saying, how we responded,
or they just went to the headline, made a comment,
and then comment on that person's comment. You know how
that kind of gets going. But you all, please, I
know when you first heard it. When she's saying should
she fight to save her marriage when her husband has
moved his mistress into their marital home. There is more
(03:07):
to the story. We should take a beat and not judge,
and you all just hear her out. So here now
is the full question. She wrote in to.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Us, Dear Amy and TJ. I am desperately trying to
make my marriage work, but my husband isn't. He used
to go to a nearby city to see another woman.
Now she's living with us. My husband stands up for her,
not for me. I do her laundry and found suspicious
things in her basket. I have tons of witnesses who
(03:36):
have seen them together. I even caught them in bed.
I told them I would be burning the bed next
time I see them in it. I've been told I
could take my husband to the cleaners if I divorced him.
But I want to make my marriage work. What should
I do?
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Don't? You don't even know where to start with that,
because you get beyond okay, this man, What are you
talking about? Infidelity and respect? Right? Infidelity is a show
of disrespect in itself. The home part is unforgivable. You
can't you can disrespect your marital home without ever bringing
(04:16):
somebody into it. It's a matter of how you treat
and how you show the person you're with that you
care about them. By not nobody violates the home, is
the argument? Just nobody can violate our home. I'm not
saying it's okay for him to go to a hotel
of the next town, but the home for me was
such an egregious error.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
She's doing the mistress's laundry.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
I don't want to go that far.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
That's even a whole other level that I can't get
my head around. And I think that's where it lost
a lot of people as in, how is that actually happening?
How are you allowing that to happen?
Speaker 1 (04:50):
See, I didn't get that far, Like I just it's over,
because it's just not possible. He's telling you he doesn't
want you, doesn't want to be with you, tried to
force her out possible, It's just.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
It might be divorce is expensive, and maybe somehow, some
way he thinks that she will go away, or this
is just going to push her out, or maybe he
just doesn't have the guts to tell her although we
had the guts to bring another woman into their home,
and it seemed as though she was still questioning whether
or not anything untoward was happening, which also seems ludicrous
(05:23):
to me. I clicked she was looking for more proof,
as in people see them together. I saw some things
in her laundry. What receipts of dinners that they went
out together? She's living in the house. What could her
husband possibly be telling her that would even make her
believe for one second that they're now just friends after
she knows he was going to her place in another
(05:46):
city and doing whatever he was doing with her then.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
But what sign has he shown her that he wants
to be married to her.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
It doesn't seem like any sign even She even said
that when there are arguments or disagreements, he stands up
for the other woman, not for his wife.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Okay, so this bro she asked what should I do?
And this is something I think you spoke on it
in the column more eloquently than I can, coming from
a woman's standpoint, what her challenges could possibly be. So
this is where we want to give a little grace
in that judgment. Here we don't know what her situation is.
Does she have family she can turn too, does she
(06:21):
have anywhere to go? Does she have any money? Are
there any kids involved? There is something that's making her
desperate to hold on and tolerate this look.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
I also was thinking, if she's staying home doing the laundry,
doing the other woman's laundry, it may be I don't
know how long they've been married, that he was the
head of the household and she was the homemaker, or
this day at home mom. She didn't mention children, but
perhaps she isn't working and perhaps yes, there is a
huge financial strain, and that's very scary knowing you have
(06:50):
to go out on your own and figure things out.
Maybe she doesn't have a job, maybe she doesn't have
any support system, and so she's trying to make her
marriage work. Maybe she still loves him, but maybe she's
it's scary. I don't know how many years she's been
with him, and how many how long she's gotten used
to living a certain way or being in a certain home,
and leaving that all behind seems very overwhelming, and gosh,
(07:12):
we know, going through a divorce, hiring a lawyer, it's
very overwhelming, And so she may think the best thing
that could happen, he'll tire of this woman and he'll
stay with me. I know that's a very unthinkable situation,
given what's happening in her home right now, but I'm
trying to get into her mindset. You just sometimes you
(07:33):
get set in your ways and it's scary to do
something different. But my advice to her was to start
planting the seeds so that you can get out. Start
looking for a job if you don't have one, Start
looking at what apartments cost if you haven't yet, Start
planning your departure, and start empowering yourself right now. You
don't have to tell him anything, but just start paving
(07:54):
the path for you to be able to have freedom,
freedom from that unbelievable stress, emotional stress. Even said I
was worried about her physical health because I cannot imagine
living in that situation, and especially if I still loved someone,
if I still wanted to be with someone, that would
be excruciating.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
The other thing to possibly think about, you said your
advice to her was to make a plan. I think
that's you have to have something, you can't just keep going.
That helps at least put a plan in place. The
other thing, what advice could you possibly give if she
looks at you and says, Robes, I desperately want to
be in this marriage, what do you advise me now?
(08:36):
If I want to stay in.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
It, I would ask her why, and I would say,
instead of putting all that love to this man who
is not showing you respect or love, put that love
back into yourself, invest in yourself. You get to this
place sometimes where you feel like I'm nothing if I
don't have him, and perhaps that's what her relationship has
devolved into. But there is a moment where you can
(08:58):
stand up for yourself, believe yourself, and love yourself. And
if she loves herself. She would never put herself in
this situation. I think in the column I did say
something that I learned from a therapist years ago, which
was so helpful in terms of what to do. She said,
you have a child. Would you want this marriage for
your child? Would you want this relationship for your child?
(09:19):
And if the answer is no, then it's certainly not
good enough for you. That is a good way to
look at it, because if you wouldn't want this relationship
for someone you love, then love yourself and you shouldn't
want that relationship for you.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
It's that simple. I mean, you put yourself in that
ask that question. Do you want your daughter living with
a man who has his mistress in the house. It's
that sim It's no weird when you put it that.
You've used that. I've heard you say it several times.
But when you talk about other people you love, we
don't give ourself the same decency.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
We don't.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
That's somebody else. I didn't read through the comments. I
haven't seen the ones you've plucked out here, but we
talked about already. Kind of a theme was people thought
this was fake, but no, this absolutely was real and
came to us. So you fired up. What do you got?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
All right? So, first of all, and at some other
people were very flippant and made jokes like, oh, I'm
going to try this with my wife and see what happens,
you know, recognizing that most women would never put up
with this.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
I'm okay with that.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
There was some levity. There's some guys having some fun saying, oh,
this is a good plan. I'm going to see what
my wife says when I get home tonight. I'm going
to show her this column.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Knowing good hell well with their wife's response exactly.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
So gb O seven said this, to even ask the
question whether this man is worth sharing is unbelievable to me.
I wasn't at their wedding, but I am assuming their
vows had some language in it that they were forming
a union between the two of them, not three. It's simple, bo.
If that vow was broke, get a divorce.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
That's fair enough. Look, people survive all kinds of things
in marriages. People overcome infidelity, financial issues, arguments over kids
and how to raise them, family in laws, of all
kinds of things, and they get over it. Some things
that you think are unforgivable. This is one where to
the comment here, Aren't they saying it's this simple? Everybody
(11:09):
finds it so simple. It's all we always good, bad,
black white. It's always we wanted to be simple. He's
the bad guy. Don't do it. Leave end of it.
There's nuance. There's something else going on there, and we
should give her that grace. But I see where people
are coming from with them that.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
We don't know why she wants to stay. There could
have been there could be a lot of reasons that
we don't understand. I think that's certainly something I've learned
over the years. It's very easy to have an opinion
from the outside looking in, and she's certainly asking you
the question, so you know, hopefully she reads some of
these questions and maybe feels the strength and the empowerment
to go ahead and make the decision she already knows
she should deep down within.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Man, when you say that we talk about her, I
didn't think about all the people who've written into us.
I don't think about them reading other comments from other
folks who read the column. I'm only thinking about them
reading our advice. If you will, I think about it now,
and now my heart, I plea, Oh my god, I
hope she doesn't have to read this stuff that people
have written in and that's what I mean, just a
little grace, a little understanding. You could disagree, but some
(12:10):
of the stuff calling people stupid and no brainer and
all that kind of that's.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Yeah, you don't know what someone else's life is like
until you've walked in their shoes. That's just that's the truth,
all right. Sean Marie writes this, so sorry, but you
don't have a marriage to save. Your husband is using you.
Get out and take him for whatever you can get
when you divorce him. Once the legal situation is settled,
(12:36):
ghost him, block him on everything, and find someone who
will respect you. I know that sounds harsh and difficult,
but I managed to do this back in the seventies.
It was the best thing I ever did for myself
and my son. I hope you can realize you deserve
so much better.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
I have been so taken by some comments where people
incorporate their own history and they give solid advice. That
was so well done. The first line, you don't.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Have a marriage to save, I thought that was really telling.
To that line hits it's not a marriage anymore. And
maybe it was at one point, and you're maybe are
our reader. She is holding on. So many of us
do this. I've done this. You cling on to what was,
or what it was supposed to be, or what it
used to be. But at some point you have to
(13:24):
acknowledge what it is. And certainly, I think Sean Maurie
put it very very bluntly, but very correctly, you don't
have a marriage to save. All right, We've got the
next comment from Bob. So he starts, my husband moved
his mistress into our house dot dot dot. You want
to know if your marriage can be saved. Of course
(13:45):
it can, but why would you want to You suffered
the greatest betrayal. You deserve so much better. He doesn't
love you or respect you. For sure, do not waste
another breath on him. Right around the corner is a
man who will love you and respect you and make
you number one in his life, not number two. I
(14:07):
appreciated the hopefulness of that. I think sometimes you know,
when you're in this situation where you feel desperate, trapped,
you can't get out, there's no future. Sometimes it just
takes one person telling you, hey, the person who's going
to be there for you, the person who's going to
respect you is right around the corner. But you have
to get rid of this guy first.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
That's step one. That's those two comments were great advice.
And I forgot to ask you this at the top.
You say usually in the columns are weekly column it's
almost overwhelmingly guys commenting what do you get on this?
Speaker 2 (14:39):
More women chimed in on this. I think women were
just so up in arms that it still had a
lot of guys, But I definitely saw more women chiming
in on this one than usual.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Okay, we got a couple more comments to share with
you all, including one from Wendy, who summed this up
in four words.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Welcome back everyone to this edition of Amy and TJ.
This is our ask Amy and TJ based on our
column on Yahoo. It's in the live section, and this
week's was a doozy. So many people were so taken
aback by our reader who wrote in orla or yah right,
or ya. I'm having a hard time saying her name, Uralia.
(15:28):
She's asking if she could still fight, should she still
fight to save her marriage even though her husband has
moved his mistress into their home. And so we've had
a lot of reaction, even some disbelief by some folks
who read this column. But we assure you this is
real and this is happening. So Wendy in the comment
section wrote this put it very succinctly. The answer should
(15:52):
have taken only four words, your marriage is over. And
then Wendy adds, this woman has no self esteem. I
felt like that was a little harsh, Wendy, because I
get it, but that's it's gosh, it's just so hard
to put yourself in that situation. It didn't start out
that way. I'm sure. I'm sure she married him because
(16:15):
she loved him, and he loved her, and they had
some beautiful times together. And you're just I can understand
clinging onto that hope and wanting it to be something
that it isn't anymore. And yes, maybe over the years
her self esteem was whittled away, you know, maybe she
lost who she was along the way. That happens to
so many women. I've been there. I think so many
(16:35):
women have been there, and so I believe that Aralia
can get her self esteem back. But the first step
is by acknowledging that this is not a healthy place.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
To be, Wendy. That's one of the shortest comments. Probably
you saw. She essentially wrote two sentences and it hits
your marriage is over, this woman has no self esteem.
That sounds a little harsh, but it also might be true. Yeah,
and again it might not knocking Wendy here. It might
sound harsh on paper seeing it read, but she might
have said it with a lot of heart and a
lot of understanding and maybe a lot of empathy for
(17:05):
what the lady is going through. So I appreciate these comments.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Well, sometimes I know sometimes things seem harsh, but sometimes
people need to hear it bluntly for it to resonate,
for it to kind of hit home. And so yes,
Wendy did bring it home with her comment. Let's now
go to John M. This one was really interesting to
me John Emm's comment, so I wanted to share it
here on the podcast. John M writes, I was a
(17:29):
bit of a hippie when I was younger, and no
doubt these kind of alternative relationships can work and be
very beneficial for everyone if everyone is on the same page.
I lived with two ex girlfriends back in the early
two thousands and it was great most of the time,
even for them. Ultimately, this line was funny. Ultimately it
(17:51):
didn't work out because of typical issues alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, gambling,
but it could have, and there were moments where I
think we were all on board with it. I liked
that they were friends and lovers as well, and they
had good times hanging with each other when I was
out of town or working odd hours. You have to
have a level of confidence and emotional security, which most
(18:12):
don't have. So John Emma was talking about, Hey, clearly
this is a threesome, even if Auralia isn't involved in it.
She's kind of maybe she's a satellite around what could
be a threesome. But he was kind of basically pointing
out to the fact that alternative lifestyles can work, but
only when three people are agreeing to the situation, which
(18:34):
Auralia is clearly not agreeing with.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
Okay, so do I have this right now? That Canda
ask when we first got her question, did anything in
your mind make it feel like this was an actual thropple,
intentional thruptle.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
No, And but the fact that she is still living
there and living with this happening in her home. I
did have the initial thought, maybe she doesn't mind having
someone helping out with groceries or house cleaning, and maybe
she's sick of having sex with her husband. I mean,
there are women who are not interested sexually anymore in
(19:14):
their husbands and actually don't mind having a girlfriend around
or another person in the house to help with the
maybe the bills and the chores. So I was thinking,
could that be something? Could there be some benefit to
her at some point? Why would she stay that? My
mind did go there, not thinking that maybe she was
interested in a thruple or the threesome thing, but just
(19:37):
that maybe it wasn't or isn't all bad. Otherwise, why
in God's name would she stay for one more second?
Speaker 1 (19:46):
I was fascinated John at a very interesting write up.
But the funniest part, obviously was it didn't work out
because of typical issues, you know, alcoholism, prescription drug use
in the day.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
And that's funny because to John M, those are typical
issues that everyone deals with.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
Me, you know, we got it good that.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
Actually, John M. Thank you that. That actually made me
laugh so hard when I read that comment. But you
know that just but that is another example. Everyone has
very different versions of what is normal. Everyone has very
different versions of what is typical and.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
What is a relationship and what is love? And what
you can tolerate? And we all look and judge and
you do, how dare you that works for you? If
you're not hurting yourself and somebody else knock yourself out?
Do you think? But this, I don't know how atypical
this is. This is not a throutle situation. What show
are we watching now that has a throttle?
Speaker 2 (20:42):
Oh yes, it's a ninety day fiance thutle.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
And it's breaking down.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
It's even that when all three people are consenting adults
and willing participants and excited, it's still it's It unravels
pretty quickly. They say two's company, three is a crowd.
I mean, you certainly see that happening. Not that it
can't work, but you can see where it's hard enough
with two people at a third. I can't even imagine
adding that dynamic into an already difficult situation, because relationships
(21:10):
are hard, even good relationships are hard. And I think
you live enough life, haven't you heard? Well, at least
some of my friends over the years start telling me
about things they've done to cope or to spice up
their marriages, and it wouldn't be for me. But you
don't know what's going on behind other people's closed doors
as much as you even might think you know someone.
Speaker 1 (21:30):
We need to our marriage in some way. What would
be your thing? What's spicy? It would be spicing up
like you d dressing up like a babe.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
I've had way I've had way too much flavor in
my life. I would like I'd like I'm all about
keeping things flavor. We've just had a lot of a
lot of spice.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
I thought you were gonna say, like you used to
dress up like a you.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
Know how you don't like. I wasn't going there. I
wasn't gonna I wasn't gonna Okay, I wasn't gonna jump
on that. But I'm very happy. I want peace, I
want love, I want respect. That's all I want.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
Well, let's give Auralia a little bit of that. She
could use some peace, she could use all of our love,
and she could use respect from our own damn husband.
So you all, thank you for always listening, and also
thank you all for chiming in. We got a cool
thing going here now with the Yahoo comun We really
appreciate it. Having some serious conversations but for Auralia, please
(22:24):
know we're we're thinking about you, love you, and we
really want you to be in a better situation.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
We certainly do and thank you for listening. You can
check us out again Yahoo Life section, ask Amy and TJ.
But for now, have a wonderful day everybody,
Hey, there are folks. One of our listeners wrote into us,
and she really needs some relationship help from all of us.
Oralia is her name, and she said her husband has
moved his mistress into their home, into the home they
used to share together. No no, no, no no no no,
the home that they are still currently sharing. The mistress
(00:25):
has been moved in, So Auralia asks, should she still
fight to save her marriage? My initial thought, what the
actual hell? Robes initial thought, you need to take your
power back. And with that, welcome to this Ask Amy
and TJ edition of Amy and TJ, where we addressed
the question from a reader listener who was written into
(00:45):
us in our weekly Yahoo column. This is the question,
the latest one that we have for this week, Robes.
And you go through the comments and you noticed a
very particular and a theme we haven't seen before.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Yes, several of our readers actually wrote in the comments
section that they didn't believe this was a real woman
with a real question. There was a suggestion that maybe
because this was so outrageous, that it was made up
by Yahoo, made up by us for click bait. And
you know how much if you listen to this podcast,
you know how much we hate clickbait headline, so we
(01:20):
just want to tell you first of all, right now,
we would never be a part of anything that involved
clickbaiting readers or any of you all listening. So we
actually just called our Yahoo producer to make sure. We
asked what the vetting process was, how we knew that
this was actually a real question, and our producer, Natalie
(01:41):
told us this was an verifiable email account first and
last name, and absolutely one percent was from a Yahoo
reader who wrote in with this question. So guys, I
know it's hard to believe, but it is real.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
But it was funny. Our producer even told us we
didn't want to use this oney other either because it
was so out there. It is so wild that they
hesitated to even present it to us. I had, I
didn't think about that, and it is way out there
when we first heard it. But it's real. But you
read through the comments. I don't because I can't. I
(02:14):
can't take it. But give me an idea of better idea, Jimmy,
just how many folks were questioning multiple.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
I would say I had, So there are thousands of comments,
which so this one really struck a chord. A lot
of people had strong reactions, and some people say just
here for the comments because they knew people were going
to go to town on this particular question. Some people wrote
that in but I just I only got through the
first couple of pages of comments, and there were at
least seven eight people questioning whether or not this was
(02:44):
an actual question.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
And I wonder if some people didn't get past the headline,
read more into what she was saying, how we responded,
or they just went to the headline, made a comment,
and then comment on that person's comment. You know how
that kind of gets going. But you all, please, I
know when you first heard it. When she's saying should
she fight to save her marriage when her husband has
moved his mistress into their marital home. There is more
(03:07):
to the story. We should take a beat and not judge,
and you all just hear her out. So here now
is the full question. She wrote in to.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Us, Dear Amy and TJ. I am desperately trying to
make my marriage work, but my husband isn't. He used
to go to a nearby city to see another woman.
Now she's living with us. My husband stands up for her,
not for me. I do her laundry and found suspicious
things in her basket. I have tons of witnesses who
(03:36):
have seen them together. I even caught them in bed.
I told them I would be burning the bed next
time I see them in it. I've been told I
could take my husband to the cleaners if I divorced him.
But I want to make my marriage work. What should
I do?
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Don't? You don't even know where to start with that,
because you get beyond okay, this man, What are you
talking about? Infidelity and respect? Right? Infidelity is a show
of disrespect in itself. The home part is unforgivable. You
can't you can disrespect your marital home without ever bringing
(04:16):
somebody into it. It's a matter of how you treat
and how you show the person you're with that you
care about them. By not nobody violates the home, is
the argument? Just nobody can violate our home. I'm not
saying it's okay for him to go to a hotel
of the next town, but the home for me was
such an egregious error.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
She's doing the mistress's laundry.
Speaker 1 (04:40):
I don't want to go that far.
Speaker 2 (04:41):
That's even a whole other level that I can't get
my head around. And I think that's where it lost
a lot of people as in, how is that actually happening?
How are you allowing that to happen?
Speaker 1 (04:50):
See, I didn't get that far, Like I just it's over,
because it's just not possible. He's telling you he doesn't
want you, doesn't want to be with you, tried to
force her out possible, It's just.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
It might be divorce is expensive, and maybe somehow, some
way he thinks that she will go away, or this
is just going to push her out, or maybe he
just doesn't have the guts to tell her although we
had the guts to bring another woman into their home,
and it seemed as though she was still questioning whether
or not anything untoward was happening, which also seems ludicrous
(05:23):
to me. I clicked she was looking for more proof,
as in people see them together. I saw some things
in her laundry. What receipts of dinners that they went
out together? She's living in the house. What could her
husband possibly be telling her that would even make her
believe for one second that they're now just friends after
she knows he was going to her place in another
(05:46):
city and doing whatever he was doing with her then.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
But what sign has he shown her that he wants
to be married to her.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
It doesn't seem like any sign even She even said
that when there are arguments or disagreements, he stands up
for the other woman, not for his wife.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
Okay, so this bro she asked what should I do?
And this is something I think you spoke on it
in the column more eloquently than I can, coming from
a woman's standpoint, what her challenges could possibly be. So
this is where we want to give a little grace
in that judgment. Here we don't know what her situation is.
Does she have family she can turn too, does she
(06:21):
have anywhere to go? Does she have any money? Are
there any kids involved? There is something that's making her
desperate to hold on and tolerate this look.
Speaker 2 (06:30):
I also was thinking, if she's staying home doing the laundry,
doing the other woman's laundry, it may be I don't
know how long they've been married, that he was the
head of the household and she was the homemaker, or
this day at home mom. She didn't mention children, but
perhaps she isn't working and perhaps yes, there is a
huge financial strain, and that's very scary knowing you have
(06:50):
to go out on your own and figure things out.
Maybe she doesn't have a job, maybe she doesn't have
any support system, and so she's trying to make her
marriage work. Maybe she still loves him, but maybe she's
it's scary. I don't know how many years she's been
with him, and how many how long she's gotten used
to living a certain way or being in a certain home,
and leaving that all behind seems very overwhelming, and gosh,
(07:12):
we know, going through a divorce, hiring a lawyer, it's
very overwhelming, And so she may think the best thing
that could happen, he'll tire of this woman and he'll
stay with me. I know that's a very unthinkable situation,
given what's happening in her home right now, but I'm
trying to get into her mindset. You just sometimes you
(07:33):
get set in your ways and it's scary to do
something different. But my advice to her was to start
planting the seeds so that you can get out. Start
looking for a job if you don't have one, Start
looking at what apartments cost if you haven't yet, Start
planning your departure, and start empowering yourself right now. You
don't have to tell him anything, but just start paving
(07:54):
the path for you to be able to have freedom,
freedom from that unbelievable stress, emotional stress. Even said I
was worried about her physical health because I cannot imagine
living in that situation, and especially if I still loved someone,
if I still wanted to be with someone, that would
be excruciating.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
The other thing to possibly think about, you said your
advice to her was to make a plan. I think
that's you have to have something, you can't just keep going.
That helps at least put a plan in place. The
other thing, what advice could you possibly give if she
looks at you and says, Robes, I desperately want to
be in this marriage, what do you advise me now?
(08:36):
If I want to stay in.
Speaker 2 (08:37):
It, I would ask her why, and I would say,
instead of putting all that love to this man who
is not showing you respect or love, put that love
back into yourself, invest in yourself. You get to this
place sometimes where you feel like I'm nothing if I
don't have him, and perhaps that's what her relationship has
devolved into. But there is a moment where you can
(08:58):
stand up for yourself, believe yourself, and love yourself. And
if she loves herself. She would never put herself in
this situation. I think in the column I did say
something that I learned from a therapist years ago, which
was so helpful in terms of what to do. She said,
you have a child. Would you want this marriage for
your child? Would you want this relationship for your child?
(09:19):
And if the answer is no, then it's certainly not
good enough for you. That is a good way to
look at it, because if you wouldn't want this relationship
for someone you love, then love yourself and you shouldn't
want that relationship for you.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
It's that simple. I mean, you put yourself in that
ask that question. Do you want your daughter living with
a man who has his mistress in the house. It's
that sim It's no weird when you put it that.
You've used that. I've heard you say it several times.
But when you talk about other people you love, we
don't give ourself the same decency.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
We don't.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
That's somebody else. I didn't read through the comments. I
haven't seen the ones you've plucked out here, but we
talked about already. Kind of a theme was people thought
this was fake, but no, this absolutely was real and
came to us. So you fired up. What do you got?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
All right? So, first of all, and at some other
people were very flippant and made jokes like, oh, I'm
going to try this with my wife and see what happens,
you know, recognizing that most women would never put up
with this.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
I'm okay with that.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
There was some levity. There's some guys having some fun saying, oh,
this is a good plan. I'm going to see what
my wife says when I get home tonight. I'm going
to show her this column.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Knowing good hell well with their wife's response exactly.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
So gb O seven said this, to even ask the
question whether this man is worth sharing is unbelievable to me.
I wasn't at their wedding, but I am assuming their
vows had some language in it that they were forming
a union between the two of them, not three. It's simple, bo.
If that vow was broke, get a divorce.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
That's fair enough. Look, people survive all kinds of things
in marriages. People overcome infidelity, financial issues, arguments over kids
and how to raise them, family in laws, of all
kinds of things, and they get over it. Some things
that you think are unforgivable. This is one where to
the comment here, Aren't they saying it's this simple? Everybody
(11:09):
finds it so simple. It's all we always good, bad,
black white. It's always we wanted to be simple. He's
the bad guy. Don't do it. Leave end of it.
There's nuance. There's something else going on there, and we
should give her that grace. But I see where people
are coming from with them that.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
We don't know why she wants to stay. There could
have been there could be a lot of reasons that
we don't understand. I think that's certainly something I've learned
over the years. It's very easy to have an opinion
from the outside looking in, and she's certainly asking you
the question, so you know, hopefully she reads some of
these questions and maybe feels the strength and the empowerment
to go ahead and make the decision she already knows
she should deep down within.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Man, when you say that we talk about her, I
didn't think about all the people who've written into us.
I don't think about them reading other comments from other
folks who read the column. I'm only thinking about them
reading our advice. If you will, I think about it now,
and now my heart, I plea, Oh my god, I
hope she doesn't have to read this stuff that people
have written in and that's what I mean, just a
little grace, a little understanding. You could disagree, but some
(12:10):
of the stuff calling people stupid and no brainer and
all that kind of that's.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Yeah, you don't know what someone else's life is like
until you've walked in their shoes. That's just that's the truth,
all right. Sean Marie writes this, so sorry, but you
don't have a marriage to save. Your husband is using you.
Get out and take him for whatever you can get
when you divorce him. Once the legal situation is settled,
(12:36):
ghost him, block him on everything, and find someone who
will respect you. I know that sounds harsh and difficult,
but I managed to do this back in the seventies.
It was the best thing I ever did for myself
and my son. I hope you can realize you deserve
so much better.
Speaker 1 (12:53):
I have been so taken by some comments where people
incorporate their own history and they give solid advice. That
was so well done. The first line, you don't.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Have a marriage to save, I thought that was really telling.
To that line hits it's not a marriage anymore. And
maybe it was at one point, and you're maybe are
our reader. She is holding on. So many of us
do this. I've done this. You cling on to what was,
or what it was supposed to be, or what it
used to be. But at some point you have to
(13:24):
acknowledge what it is. And certainly, I think Sean Maurie
put it very very bluntly, but very correctly, you don't
have a marriage to save. All right, We've got the
next comment from Bob. So he starts, my husband moved
his mistress into our house dot dot dot. You want
to know if your marriage can be saved. Of course
(13:45):
it can, but why would you want to You suffered
the greatest betrayal. You deserve so much better. He doesn't
love you or respect you. For sure, do not waste
another breath on him. Right around the corner is a
man who will love you and respect you and make
you number one in his life, not number two. I
(14:07):
appreciated the hopefulness of that. I think sometimes you know,
when you're in this situation where you feel desperate, trapped,
you can't get out, there's no future. Sometimes it just
takes one person telling you, hey, the person who's going
to be there for you, the person who's going to
respect you is right around the corner. But you have
to get rid of this guy first.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
That's step one. That's those two comments were great advice.
And I forgot to ask you this at the top.
You say usually in the columns are weekly column it's
almost overwhelmingly guys commenting what do you get on this?
Speaker 2 (14:39):
More women chimed in on this. I think women were
just so up in arms that it still had a
lot of guys, But I definitely saw more women chiming
in on this one than usual.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
Okay, we got a couple more comments to share with
you all, including one from Wendy, who summed this up
in four words.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Welcome back everyone to this edition of Amy and TJ.
This is our ask Amy and TJ based on our
column on Yahoo. It's in the live section, and this
week's was a doozy. So many people were so taken
aback by our reader who wrote in orla or yah right,
or ya. I'm having a hard time saying her name, Uralia.
(15:28):
She's asking if she could still fight, should she still
fight to save her marriage even though her husband has
moved his mistress into their home. And so we've had
a lot of reaction, even some disbelief by some folks
who read this column. But we assure you this is
real and this is happening. So Wendy in the comment
section wrote this put it very succinctly. The answer should
(15:52):
have taken only four words, your marriage is over. And
then Wendy adds, this woman has no self esteem. I
felt like that was a little harsh, Wendy, because I
get it, but that's it's gosh, it's just so hard
to put yourself in that situation. It didn't start out
that way. I'm sure. I'm sure she married him because
(16:15):
she loved him, and he loved her, and they had
some beautiful times together. And you're just I can understand
clinging onto that hope and wanting it to be something
that it isn't anymore. And yes, maybe over the years
her self esteem was whittled away, you know, maybe she
lost who she was along the way. That happens to
so many women. I've been there. I think so many
(16:35):
women have been there, and so I believe that Aralia
can get her self esteem back. But the first step
is by acknowledging that this is not a healthy place.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
To be, Wendy. That's one of the shortest comments. Probably
you saw. She essentially wrote two sentences and it hits
your marriage is over, this woman has no self esteem.
That sounds a little harsh, but it also might be true. Yeah,
and again it might not knocking Wendy here. It might
sound harsh on paper seeing it read, but she might
have said it with a lot of heart and a
lot of understanding and maybe a lot of empathy for
(17:05):
what the lady is going through. So I appreciate these comments.
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Well, sometimes I know sometimes things seem harsh, but sometimes
people need to hear it bluntly for it to resonate,
for it to kind of hit home. And so yes,
Wendy did bring it home with her comment. Let's now
go to John M. This one was really interesting to
me John Emm's comment, so I wanted to share it
here on the podcast. John M writes, I was a
(17:29):
bit of a hippie when I was younger, and no
doubt these kind of alternative relationships can work and be
very beneficial for everyone if everyone is on the same page.
I lived with two ex girlfriends back in the early
two thousands and it was great most of the time,
even for them. Ultimately, this line was funny. Ultimately it
(17:51):
didn't work out because of typical issues alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, gambling,
but it could have, and there were moments where I
think we were all on board with it. I liked
that they were friends and lovers as well, and they
had good times hanging with each other when I was
out of town or working odd hours. You have to
have a level of confidence and emotional security, which most
(18:12):
don't have. So John Emma was talking about, Hey, clearly
this is a threesome, even if Auralia isn't involved in it.
She's kind of maybe she's a satellite around what could
be a threesome. But he was kind of basically pointing
out to the fact that alternative lifestyles can work, but
only when three people are agreeing to the situation, which
(18:34):
Auralia is clearly not agreeing with.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
Okay, so do I have this right now? That Canda
ask when we first got her question, did anything in
your mind make it feel like this was an actual thropple,
intentional thruptle.
Speaker 2 (18:52):
No, And but the fact that she is still living
there and living with this happening in her home. I
did have the initial thought, maybe she doesn't mind having
someone helping out with groceries or house cleaning, and maybe
she's sick of having sex with her husband. I mean,
there are women who are not interested sexually anymore in
(19:14):
their husbands and actually don't mind having a girlfriend around
or another person in the house to help with the
maybe the bills and the chores. So I was thinking,
could that be something? Could there be some benefit to
her at some point? Why would she stay that? My
mind did go there, not thinking that maybe she was
interested in a thruple or the threesome thing, but just
(19:37):
that maybe it wasn't or isn't all bad. Otherwise, why
in God's name would she stay for one more second?
Speaker 1 (19:46):
I was fascinated John at a very interesting write up.
But the funniest part, obviously was it didn't work out
because of typical issues, you know, alcoholism, prescription drug use
in the day.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
And that's funny because to John M, those are typical
issues that everyone deals with.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
Me, you know, we got it good that.
Speaker 2 (20:07):
Actually, John M. Thank you that. That actually made me
laugh so hard when I read that comment. But you
know that just but that is another example. Everyone has
very different versions of what is normal. Everyone has very
different versions of what is typical and.
Speaker 1 (20:24):
What is a relationship and what is love? And what
you can tolerate? And we all look and judge and
you do, how dare you that works for you? If
you're not hurting yourself and somebody else knock yourself out?
Do you think? But this, I don't know how atypical
this is. This is not a throutle situation. What show
are we watching now that has a throttle?
Speaker 2 (20:42):
Oh yes, it's a ninety day fiance thutle.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
And it's breaking down.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
It's even that when all three people are consenting adults
and willing participants and excited, it's still it's It unravels
pretty quickly. They say two's company, three is a crowd.
I mean, you certainly see that happening. Not that it
can't work, but you can see where it's hard enough
with two people at a third. I can't even imagine
adding that dynamic into an already difficult situation, because relationships
(21:10):
are hard, even good relationships are hard. And I think
you live enough life, haven't you heard? Well, at least
some of my friends over the years start telling me
about things they've done to cope or to spice up
their marriages, and it wouldn't be for me. But you
don't know what's going on behind other people's closed doors
as much as you even might think you know someone.
Speaker 1 (21:30):
We need to our marriage in some way. What would
be your thing? What's spicy? It would be spicing up
like you d dressing up like a babe.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
I've had way I've had way too much flavor in
my life. I would like I'd like I'm all about
keeping things flavor. We've just had a lot of a
lot of spice.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
I thought you were gonna say, like you used to
dress up like a you.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
Know how you don't like. I wasn't going there. I
wasn't gonna I wasn't gonna Okay, I wasn't gonna jump
on that. But I'm very happy. I want peace, I
want love, I want respect. That's all I want.
Speaker 1 (22:04):
Well, let's give Auralia a little bit of that. She
could use some peace, she could use all of our love,
and she could use respect from our own damn husband.
So you all, thank you for always listening, and also
thank you all for chiming in. We got a cool
thing going here now with the Yahoo comun We really
appreciate it. Having some serious conversations but for Auralia, please
(22:24):
know we're we're thinking about you, love you, and we
really want you to be in a better situation.
Speaker 2 (22:29):
We certainly do and thank you for listening. You can
check us out again Yahoo Life section, ask Amy and TJ.
But for now, have a wonderful day everybody,
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