September 8, 2025 • 17 mins
Our reader, “Dad Can’t Decide”, asks Amy and T.J. in their Yahoo weekly relationship advice column about whether he should consider getting his vasectomy reversed. In this episode, Amy and T.J. commiserate with both sides, because these two know what it’s like to want kids with the person you love, even when it’s not biologically possible… and yet, they also get what an undertaking it is to start over when you thought you were out of the baby making business!
To read their weekly column Ask Amy & T.J., head to Yahoo News
https://yhoo.it/AskAmyAndTJ
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, there're folks. It is Monday, September the eighth, and
someone wrote into us on our Yahoo column asking for
some advice. See he's a dad. He's a dad to
two kids, but his wife wanted to be three. Only
one issue with that. We're gonna have to go through
surgery to have any more kids. And with that, welcome
(00:24):
to this very complicated edition of Amy and TJ. Are
ask Amy and TJ audition. I say surgery, Brod, We're
talking about a sectomy. He's gonna have to be reversed.
It's gonna be any more kids here.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
And you said his wife, but maybe it's more specifically
should be noted it was his new one.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Say I was trying.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
There was a tea.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
We're gonna get to it. It was a tea. I blew it.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
I blew your cheese. Wow. Okay, Well anyway, yes, he
was married his first wife, they had two kids. He
got a sectomy. That's a lot of folks do that.
They don't want any more. They're good, they've got their
their kids. Then he gets divorced. Now he gets remarried,
and now wipe number two four years into it, and
she knew he got of vasectomy. She he made that
(01:05):
very clear while they were dating, but now she's asking
him to have a reversal.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
I don't know how extensive of a surgery this is.
To do it in the first place and then reverse it.
It sounds like it would be pretty extensive. I think,
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
So it's basically it's so the having of a sectomy is,
you know, you go in and you've get some discomfort.
Right now you kind of have to go through the
same thing again. And here's the deal. It's not guaranteed,
so it's not a foreshore thing, but it gives you
the possibility and a lot of times you have to
take even extra steps extra measures. If you've had a
(01:45):
va sectimy reversed, you might have to go through artificial insemination.
You might have because then you can actually place the
sperm that's active into an egg. So yes, there are
you can conceive naturally possibly, but there's no guarantee.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
It sounds like you've done a deep dive on this. Yes,
was that for this story?
Speaker 2 (02:04):
It was this, Well, you know, I just have some
random information sometimes.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
That's pretty random, more like specific. Uh. With that, let's
get to what this dad did say it was his
actual this is actually what he.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Did right in to yes Amy and TJ. I'm a
forty five year old man with two kids from my
first marriage. After having those children, I got a vasectomy.
I remarried four years ago and told my current wife
about my vasectomy while we were dating. Now she's asking
me if I would want to get the vasectomy reverse
so we can have our own family. What should I do?
(02:39):
He signs it, Dad can't decide.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
You know, I missed that, I think the first time around.
I don't know why it jumped out on me so much,
so we can have our own family.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
That's a little offensive.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Why you said that.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
I think it's offensive because when you and I only
say this, I don't think she intended it to be,
but I could see how it could be received that way,
because when you sign up for a marriage to someone
who's already been married, who already has children, you do
take on a role. You're not mom, but your stepmom,
and that is a part of your family. And I
know what she's saying, she'd like to have their own
biological children, and that's not anything that is I mean,
(03:15):
that's totally understandable. That's not something that would be considered
anything other than natural to want to have children with
the person you're with. I get that, but our own
family implies that somehow his kids aren't a part of
their family now.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
And the way I took it, yes, everything you're saying,
I think we're kind of we see this the same.
I think I understand and I've heard it plenty of times,
and maybe for a woman you could speak to this differently.
But when a woman enters into a relationship with a
guy and he does have he has a unit with
someone else, there's another woman who has given him such
an important part of his life that you don't have
(03:49):
with him, and it's almost that thing. And actually we've
seen some negativity attached to this sometimes, like I want
my kids are family, and then you almost pit them
against each other. She doesn't love the other kids, and
saying kind of a thing, I could see where in
her it pulls at her heartstrings to watch him maybe
interact with a family that she can't have with him.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Without a doubt. Oh, I have walked that walk, and
I think so many women have too as well, And
there is this desire, especially she doesn't have her own kids.
I think when I've entered in other relationships with other kids.
I still had my own children, and I again my
own thing. I don't even like that very much, but
I get what she's saying, and I get what you're saying.
(04:27):
But I do think there just needs to be an
acknowledgement that she knew that going into it. It doesn't
mean that you can't change your mind or you can't
express your feelings. And I think it's good that she's
telling him that she wants this and they can go
from there, because maybe to not tell him might breed resentment,
might really create some regret in her, and maybe she
needs to know that she tried that at least she asked.
And if he says no, he says no. But I
(04:48):
understand that desire, Like, look, you and I, it's we're
way past that just in terms of our or at
least my age, for sure, but because we love each other,
there's an natural desire to want to create something together.
I think that's biology. I think that's a lot of things,
but it's totally natural to want to have kids with
the person you're married to.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
Of course, it's crazy you say that we have I
am pretty sure it was yesterday, but it's been several
times in the past. We was on our trip to suite.
I don't know why. I don't know what's going on,
but we have talked more lately about having kids. We
have talked more lately about the idea of even adopting
(05:28):
a child, and usually it's me bringing it up to you.
It's true, and usually the response is the one you
all just heard. She laughs at me. She's laughing at me.
I need to write unto my own damn column to
get some advice about what to do when the person
you're with, who is maybe at an advanced baby making
age laughs anytime you bring up the possibility of kids.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Only because I was told at forty that I was
out of the baby making business because of my kids
are diagnosis. So I have look, that was devastating to hear.
I can laugh now because that ship has sailed so
long ago. So that's why I do chuckle, because yes,
that was a painful thing to hear at forty. But
I have come to peace with it and am very
happy to have had two children. And you know what
(06:13):
I'm saying this genuinely. My girls have now gone off,
but to have Sabine around is joy like. I absolutely
totally appreciate and actually really look forward to and love
having that childlike that sweetness around. It's awesome.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
But to this lady's point, so we can have family
of our own, it is. It's there. I'm saying I
didn't even expect, but listen that one part, for whatever reason,
our own family is something that even I lately can
relate to. Why And it's not even a matter of
watching you and your girls, are you watching me with mine?
(06:54):
It's just really a matter of when you are with
you can't help, but yeah, want to create your own unit.
And yes those units sometimes come from other pieces and
places coming together, but you can't happen.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
There's a there's a natural desire one hundred percent, and
that is so reasonable. I do think it's one of
those things where when you do get a vasectomy, they
you know, you'd never think no one ever goes into
a marriage thinking they're getting divorced. No one ever probably
goes in to get a vasectomy thinking that they're going
to meet some other woman who's gonna want kids. It's
just it's just shows you how sometimes life throws curveballs
(07:28):
at you and you have to roll with it and
make decisions based on new premises that you weren't expecting.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
It sounds like he's torn in the question. It sounds like,
obviously this is this would be a very serious undertaking
for him. But it doesn't sound like to me either
one did anything wrong, not to sign anything wrong. But
it sounds like everybody has handled this. But surely he
told her from the beginning she was on board, and
she has now changed her mind, and she's been open
(07:55):
about that. I think that's probably healthy. Is it not
thought about?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
Is no? It is interesting, And I think my initial
reaction and advice to him in the column was me
making an assumption that because he's asking us what to do,
or he at least is opening up the question, probably
is interested in hearing what other folks have to say
in the comments section as well. I would infer that
he doesn't necessarily want to have markets, because if he did,
(08:21):
if he liked the idea right away, he would say,
let's do it, let's try, let's go for it. For
him to be struggling with it, he deep down made
a decision and he hasn't changed his mind, But now
he's wondering should he change his mind? Should he open
up his mind because his wife is asking him to Well,
yes is the answer.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
You should be open and you should listen. Like I
don't know if he is. I mean, he sounded pretty
sure to me. If he went through and got surgery.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
Right, that's a big step.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
You can change your mind.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
And it would be another thing if he came and said,
I actually want to have children with you. I want
to get my vyszectomy reversed. But this is the opposite.
So it's requiring him to do something that he wasn't
necessarily expecting to do, and certainly it doesn't sound like
he wanted to do Otherwise he would not have written
in to us.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
I didn't want it to be. It didn't seem to
be a suggestion by him, and the question right, But
I hope it's not relationship ending. Hope it's just something
they can get through.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
It didn't seem like it didn't seem.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
But if those two people had met and started dating
and she said I definitely want kids, he said, I've
had of a sectomy because I don't want kids. What
they have continued dating probably not. So now you have
those same two people.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Now married, four years into their marriage.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
And she is now the person who wants kids, so
he's going to have to change or the whole dynamic
has changed, has.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
It not correct? I mean, it's one of those things
where she has to know, and I would assume that
she knows. She entered into this relationship with full knowledge
that he could not biologically have more children in the
state he was in, and she accepted those terms and
accepted those conditions when she walked down the island married him.
And it's okay that she's now that's awesome. Maybe even
(10:10):
that their relationship, I'm going to assume the positive is
so strong and so solid and so great she just
wants to add to it. Hopefully she's not trying to
save anything and create something where she has a connection
to him, you know, a physical connection, but hopefully it
is because it's so good, she wants it to be
even better. And that's okay too. Everyone gets to change
their mind, but you can't expect someone to get on
(10:32):
board with where your head is if you had a
different understanding when you walked down the aisle.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
But folks, we were concerned that, yes, they might end
up splitting over this. However, some of our advice included
ways for them to definitely definitely stay together, and our
advice to them will let you hear, was remember why
you got married in the first place. All right, folks,
(11:06):
Continuing now with our ask Amy and TJ edition of
Amy and TJ going over our latest just drop today
our newest Yahoo column. You can find it in the
Life section on yahoo dot com. But someone wrote in
Robes asking about reversing of a sectomy now that his
second wife, who initially said it was okay with getting
married to a guy who had of aseectomy, now she's
(11:28):
coming around and said, Hey, actually I think I want
to have kids. In asking him to reverse, he's trying
to figure out what to do Robes in making the decision.
First things first, nothing has changed about them. She is
still the woman he loves and he is still the
man that she loves. Should we have to start with that.
(11:49):
Nothing about nobody's changed political parties, nobody has all of
a sudden got a drug habit. Nobody has changed. They
still love each other. You have to start with that.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
I thought that was a really cool point that you made,
because I hadn't considered it in that way. It's not
as if someone did something or changed or or altered
the relationship in a way. This is just look, things happen.
People get job offers and you say, hey, we're gonna
we're gonna live in Dallas and raise our children here,
(12:19):
and suddenly someone gets a job opportunity in Seattle. You know,
things happen that change what you thought the direction of
your life was going to be in And that happens.
There are deaths, there are illnesses, there are jobs that
so much happens that are that is out of your
control or at least just a changing opinion. It doesn't
mean you're any different. And I thought that was a
(12:39):
good way to look at it. This is still the
relationship that it was before and it hopefully will be afterwards.
And it's just a decision if you want to add
something very big and very significant, and it is life
altering to how children. And he knows that, you know,
he knows that more than anyone. He already has two children.
So that's maybe going into it with the knowledge that
(13:02):
she doesn't necessarily have because you know, when we are
fantasizing about having a family, I can just remember in
you know, my early twenties.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
You look fantasizing.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Well, I think a lot of women do they think
about I met women and I had to look men too,
I'm sure. But you look and you see the cute babies,
and I didn't have Instagram back then, but just passing
by beautiful families who seem like they're having the best time,
and everyone's in these adorable outfits and it's just cute
and fun and it seems exciting. But if you've actually
(13:33):
had children, as this man has, you know the full reality,
and you can intellectually know it, but until you've experienced it,
it's a very different thing.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Okay, last thing here, we'll put this through the test.
We often say that human beings fail when we look
at a situation. We're looking at the worst case scenario.
So let's look at the best case scenario here and
the worst. What is the danger? First of all, if
(14:03):
he says yes and goes forward with it, what is
the potential? Is the danger there is that he's going
to end up being resentful or regret doing it. If
he's doing it just to make her happy, is that
the major threat?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
You know what? You say that, And it's funny because
I just had this feeling wash over me. I remember
my mom saying this when I actually Annalise was not planned,
and she said, no one ever regrets a child. Once
that baby is in your hands, you are not going, man,
I wish I didn't have this baby. So I think
you can have all that worry and all of that
concern ahead of time. But worst case scenario, in this
(14:39):
sense that he actually reverses his vasectomy and he has
a child, I think might even be the best case
scenario because he ends up with this beautiful baby that
he's never ever ever gonna want to wish away or
give back or wish hadn't been born. I mean, I
mean there might be moments, no, I mean, yes, you
trust me, there are moments every parent was taking I know.
(15:01):
But in general, I'm talking generally speaking, that is not
the case. I'm not talking about either at two am
when the baby won't go to sleep, or when they're
eighteen years old telling you to go f yourself. I
get it.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
So that okay. So if he doesn't go through and
do the reversal of vasectomy, what do you think the
danger is? I guess with her in terms of her.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Mood that she resents him and resents the fact that
she never got to give birth or have a child,
and it could and I do think if she really
does feel strongly, if she has changed and that's okay,
that it could end the relationship because she wants so
badly to be a mother.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Okay, that might be some of the thoughts people have.
That's the worst second. Hal, I'm sure he has some
of those thoughts too, but you just kind of named
I was going to ask you the best case scenarios.
But if we were looking for the best here, he
reverses it. It works, they have a kid, and he's
as happy and can't believe he ever even wrote in
to us.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
Yes, I mean over the years, have you not had
friends I certainly have where there has been a whoopsie
and not even a marriage, but even and they've decided
to go through with it, and I've just never looking
at I've had two specific friend groups where this has
happened and they love that child like nobody's business. And
in that sense, I'm not saying, you know, I'm always
an advocate for having children because obviously financial issues and
(16:22):
a lot of other things have to be considered, but
generally speaking, it's never a mistake.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
We certainly wish him luck in whatever he decides to do,
and by all means we'd love to hear from him
a follow up and update about what actually happened. We
look forward now to hearing from you all. This is
probably one of the most fun episodes we do every week,
is to get the reaction to our column. Past couple
(16:48):
of weeks, people getting a little bolder about criticizing everything
we say. The criticism take issue, that's fine, you can
bring it down a little bit.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Yeah, we will not talk about the mean ones. But
if there's some Fonner pointed ones or someones where I'm like, okay, actually, okay,
you make a good point. Disagree, I'm all about the disagreement,
just as long as it is not mean.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Well, it's vivan that'll be coming your way. We usually
do those on Wednesdays. We'll do that update. But but yeah,
good luck to them. I know a lot of people
can relate to. It might not have to do with
the prosecting me and I just have to do with
having kids and how many a lot of people deal
with these things. So I'm very glad somebody wrote in
once again being vulnerable as you said.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Yes, Dad, can't decide. Thank you so much for writing in,
and thank you for listening to this edition of Amy
n TJ. The Esque Amy and TJ Version. I'm Amy
Roebuck alongside TJ. Holmes. Have a great day, everybody,
Hey, there're folks. It is Monday, September the eighth, and
someone wrote into us on our Yahoo column asking for
some advice. See he's a dad. He's a dad to
two kids, but his wife wanted to be three. Only
one issue with that. We're gonna have to go through
surgery to have any more kids. And with that, welcome
(00:24):
to this very complicated edition of Amy and TJ. Are
ask Amy and TJ audition. I say surgery, Brod, We're
talking about a sectomy. He's gonna have to be reversed.
It's gonna be any more kids here.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
And you said his wife, but maybe it's more specifically
should be noted it was his new one.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Say I was trying.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
There was a tea.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
We're gonna get to it. It was a tea. I blew it.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
I blew your cheese. Wow. Okay, Well anyway, yes, he
was married his first wife, they had two kids. He
got a sectomy. That's a lot of folks do that.
They don't want any more. They're good, they've got their
their kids. Then he gets divorced. Now he gets remarried,
and now wipe number two four years into it, and
she knew he got of vasectomy. She he made that
(01:05):
very clear while they were dating, but now she's asking
him to have a reversal.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
I don't know how extensive of a surgery this is.
To do it in the first place and then reverse it.
It sounds like it would be pretty extensive. I think,
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
So it's basically it's so the having of a sectomy is,
you know, you go in and you've get some discomfort.
Right now you kind of have to go through the
same thing again. And here's the deal. It's not guaranteed,
so it's not a foreshore thing, but it gives you
the possibility and a lot of times you have to
take even extra steps extra measures. If you've had a
(01:45):
va sectimy reversed, you might have to go through artificial insemination.
You might have because then you can actually place the
sperm that's active into an egg. So yes, there are
you can conceive naturally possibly, but there's no guarantee.
Speaker 1 (02:00):
It sounds like you've done a deep dive on this. Yes,
was that for this story?
Speaker 2 (02:04):
It was this, Well, you know, I just have some
random information sometimes.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
That's pretty random, more like specific. Uh. With that, let's
get to what this dad did say it was his
actual this is actually what he.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Did right in to yes Amy and TJ. I'm a
forty five year old man with two kids from my
first marriage. After having those children, I got a vasectomy.
I remarried four years ago and told my current wife
about my vasectomy while we were dating. Now she's asking
me if I would want to get the vasectomy reverse
so we can have our own family. What should I do?
(02:39):
He signs it, Dad can't decide.
Speaker 1 (02:42):
You know, I missed that, I think the first time around.
I don't know why it jumped out on me so much,
so we can have our own family.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
That's a little offensive.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Why you said that.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
I think it's offensive because when you and I only
say this, I don't think she intended it to be,
but I could see how it could be received that way,
because when you sign up for a marriage to someone
who's already been married, who already has children, you do
take on a role. You're not mom, but your stepmom,
and that is a part of your family. And I
know what she's saying, she'd like to have their own
biological children, and that's not anything that is I mean,
(03:15):
that's totally understandable. That's not something that would be considered
anything other than natural to want to have children with
the person you're with. I get that, but our own
family implies that somehow his kids aren't a part of
their family now.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
And the way I took it, yes, everything you're saying,
I think we're kind of we see this the same.
I think I understand and I've heard it plenty of times,
and maybe for a woman you could speak to this differently.
But when a woman enters into a relationship with a
guy and he does have he has a unit with
someone else, there's another woman who has given him such
an important part of his life that you don't have
(03:49):
with him, and it's almost that thing. And actually we've
seen some negativity attached to this sometimes, like I want
my kids are family, and then you almost pit them
against each other. She doesn't love the other kids, and
saying kind of a thing, I could see where in
her it pulls at her heartstrings to watch him maybe
interact with a family that she can't have with him.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Without a doubt. Oh, I have walked that walk, and
I think so many women have too as well, And
there is this desire, especially she doesn't have her own kids.
I think when I've entered in other relationships with other kids.
I still had my own children, and I again my
own thing. I don't even like that very much, but
I get what she's saying, and I get what you're saying.
(04:27):
But I do think there just needs to be an
acknowledgement that she knew that going into it. It doesn't
mean that you can't change your mind or you can't
express your feelings. And I think it's good that she's
telling him that she wants this and they can go
from there, because maybe to not tell him might breed resentment,
might really create some regret in her, and maybe she
needs to know that she tried that at least she asked.
And if he says no, he says no. But I
(04:48):
understand that desire, Like, look, you and I, it's we're
way past that just in terms of our or at
least my age, for sure, but because we love each other,
there's an natural desire to want to create something together.
I think that's biology. I think that's a lot of things,
but it's totally natural to want to have kids with
the person you're married to.
Speaker 1 (05:08):
Of course, it's crazy you say that we have I
am pretty sure it was yesterday, but it's been several
times in the past. We was on our trip to suite.
I don't know why. I don't know what's going on,
but we have talked more lately about having kids. We
have talked more lately about the idea of even adopting
(05:28):
a child, and usually it's me bringing it up to you.
It's true, and usually the response is the one you
all just heard. She laughs at me. She's laughing at me.
I need to write unto my own damn column to
get some advice about what to do when the person
you're with, who is maybe at an advanced baby making
age laughs anytime you bring up the possibility of kids.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
Only because I was told at forty that I was
out of the baby making business because of my kids
are diagnosis. So I have look, that was devastating to hear.
I can laugh now because that ship has sailed so
long ago. So that's why I do chuckle, because yes,
that was a painful thing to hear at forty. But
I have come to peace with it and am very
happy to have had two children. And you know what
(06:13):
I'm saying this genuinely. My girls have now gone off,
but to have Sabine around is joy like. I absolutely
totally appreciate and actually really look forward to and love
having that childlike that sweetness around. It's awesome.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
But to this lady's point, so we can have family
of our own, it is. It's there. I'm saying I
didn't even expect, but listen that one part, for whatever reason,
our own family is something that even I lately can
relate to. Why And it's not even a matter of
watching you and your girls, are you watching me with mine?
(06:54):
It's just really a matter of when you are with
you can't help, but yeah, want to create your own unit.
And yes those units sometimes come from other pieces and
places coming together, but you can't happen.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
There's a there's a natural desire one hundred percent, and
that is so reasonable. I do think it's one of
those things where when you do get a vasectomy, they
you know, you'd never think no one ever goes into
a marriage thinking they're getting divorced. No one ever probably
goes in to get a vasectomy thinking that they're going
to meet some other woman who's gonna want kids. It's
just it's just shows you how sometimes life throws curveballs
(07:28):
at you and you have to roll with it and
make decisions based on new premises that you weren't expecting.
Speaker 1 (07:33):
It sounds like he's torn in the question. It sounds like,
obviously this is this would be a very serious undertaking
for him. But it doesn't sound like to me either
one did anything wrong, not to sign anything wrong. But
it sounds like everybody has handled this. But surely he
told her from the beginning she was on board, and
she has now changed her mind, and she's been open
(07:55):
about that. I think that's probably healthy. Is it not
thought about?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
Is no? It is interesting, And I think my initial
reaction and advice to him in the column was me
making an assumption that because he's asking us what to do,
or he at least is opening up the question, probably
is interested in hearing what other folks have to say
in the comments section as well. I would infer that
he doesn't necessarily want to have markets, because if he did,
(08:21):
if he liked the idea right away, he would say,
let's do it, let's try, let's go for it. For
him to be struggling with it, he deep down made
a decision and he hasn't changed his mind, But now
he's wondering should he change his mind? Should he open
up his mind because his wife is asking him to Well,
yes is the answer.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
You should be open and you should listen. Like I
don't know if he is. I mean, he sounded pretty
sure to me. If he went through and got surgery.
Speaker 2 (08:47):
Right, that's a big step.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
You can change your mind.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
And it would be another thing if he came and said,
I actually want to have children with you. I want
to get my vyszectomy reversed. But this is the opposite.
So it's requiring him to do something that he wasn't
necessarily expecting to do, and certainly it doesn't sound like
he wanted to do Otherwise he would not have written
in to us.
Speaker 1 (09:08):
I didn't want it to be. It didn't seem to
be a suggestion by him, and the question right, But
I hope it's not relationship ending. Hope it's just something
they can get through.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
It didn't seem like it didn't seem.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
But if those two people had met and started dating
and she said I definitely want kids, he said, I've
had of a sectomy because I don't want kids. What
they have continued dating probably not. So now you have
those same two people.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Now married, four years into their marriage.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
And she is now the person who wants kids, so
he's going to have to change or the whole dynamic
has changed, has.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
It not correct? I mean, it's one of those things
where she has to know, and I would assume that
she knows. She entered into this relationship with full knowledge
that he could not biologically have more children in the
state he was in, and she accepted those terms and
accepted those conditions when she walked down the island married him.
And it's okay that she's now that's awesome. Maybe even
(10:10):
that their relationship, I'm going to assume the positive is
so strong and so solid and so great she just
wants to add to it. Hopefully she's not trying to
save anything and create something where she has a connection
to him, you know, a physical connection, but hopefully it
is because it's so good, she wants it to be
even better. And that's okay too. Everyone gets to change
their mind, but you can't expect someone to get on
(10:32):
board with where your head is if you had a
different understanding when you walked down the aisle.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
But folks, we were concerned that, yes, they might end
up splitting over this. However, some of our advice included
ways for them to definitely definitely stay together, and our
advice to them will let you hear, was remember why
you got married in the first place. All right, folks,
(11:06):
Continuing now with our ask Amy and TJ edition of
Amy and TJ going over our latest just drop today
our newest Yahoo column. You can find it in the
Life section on yahoo dot com. But someone wrote in
Robes asking about reversing of a sectomy now that his
second wife, who initially said it was okay with getting
married to a guy who had of aseectomy, now she's
(11:28):
coming around and said, Hey, actually I think I want
to have kids. In asking him to reverse, he's trying
to figure out what to do Robes in making the decision.
First things first, nothing has changed about them. She is
still the woman he loves and he is still the
man that she loves. Should we have to start with that.
(11:49):
Nothing about nobody's changed political parties, nobody has all of
a sudden got a drug habit. Nobody has changed. They
still love each other. You have to start with that.
Speaker 2 (11:58):
I thought that was a really cool point that you made,
because I hadn't considered it in that way. It's not
as if someone did something or changed or or altered
the relationship in a way. This is just look, things happen.
People get job offers and you say, hey, we're gonna
we're gonna live in Dallas and raise our children here,
(12:19):
and suddenly someone gets a job opportunity in Seattle. You know,
things happen that change what you thought the direction of
your life was going to be in And that happens.
There are deaths, there are illnesses, there are jobs that
so much happens that are that is out of your
control or at least just a changing opinion. It doesn't
mean you're any different. And I thought that was a
(12:39):
good way to look at it. This is still the
relationship that it was before and it hopefully will be afterwards.
And it's just a decision if you want to add
something very big and very significant, and it is life
altering to how children. And he knows that, you know,
he knows that more than anyone. He already has two children.
So that's maybe going into it with the knowledge that
(13:02):
she doesn't necessarily have because you know, when we are
fantasizing about having a family, I can just remember in
you know, my early twenties.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
You look fantasizing.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Well, I think a lot of women do they think
about I met women and I had to look men too,
I'm sure. But you look and you see the cute babies,
and I didn't have Instagram back then, but just passing
by beautiful families who seem like they're having the best time,
and everyone's in these adorable outfits and it's just cute
and fun and it seems exciting. But if you've actually
(13:33):
had children, as this man has, you know the full reality,
and you can intellectually know it, but until you've experienced it,
it's a very different thing.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Okay, last thing here, we'll put this through the test.
We often say that human beings fail when we look
at a situation. We're looking at the worst case scenario.
So let's look at the best case scenario here and
the worst. What is the danger? First of all, if
(14:03):
he says yes and goes forward with it, what is
the potential? Is the danger there is that he's going
to end up being resentful or regret doing it. If
he's doing it just to make her happy, is that
the major threat?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
You know what? You say that, And it's funny because
I just had this feeling wash over me. I remember
my mom saying this when I actually Annalise was not planned,
and she said, no one ever regrets a child. Once
that baby is in your hands, you are not going, man,
I wish I didn't have this baby. So I think
you can have all that worry and all of that
concern ahead of time. But worst case scenario, in this
(14:39):
sense that he actually reverses his vasectomy and he has
a child, I think might even be the best case
scenario because he ends up with this beautiful baby that
he's never ever ever gonna want to wish away or
give back or wish hadn't been born. I mean, I
mean there might be moments, no, I mean, yes, you
trust me, there are moments every parent was taking I know.
(15:01):
But in general, I'm talking generally speaking, that is not
the case. I'm not talking about either at two am
when the baby won't go to sleep, or when they're
eighteen years old telling you to go f yourself. I
get it.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
So that okay. So if he doesn't go through and
do the reversal of vasectomy, what do you think the
danger is? I guess with her in terms of her.
Speaker 2 (15:27):
Mood that she resents him and resents the fact that
she never got to give birth or have a child,
and it could and I do think if she really
does feel strongly, if she has changed and that's okay,
that it could end the relationship because she wants so
badly to be a mother.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
Okay, that might be some of the thoughts people have.
That's the worst second. Hal, I'm sure he has some
of those thoughts too, but you just kind of named
I was going to ask you the best case scenarios.
But if we were looking for the best here, he
reverses it. It works, they have a kid, and he's
as happy and can't believe he ever even wrote in
to us.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
Yes, I mean over the years, have you not had
friends I certainly have where there has been a whoopsie
and not even a marriage, but even and they've decided
to go through with it, and I've just never looking
at I've had two specific friend groups where this has
happened and they love that child like nobody's business. And
in that sense, I'm not saying, you know, I'm always
an advocate for having children because obviously financial issues and
(16:22):
a lot of other things have to be considered, but
generally speaking, it's never a mistake.
Speaker 1 (16:28):
We certainly wish him luck in whatever he decides to do,
and by all means we'd love to hear from him
a follow up and update about what actually happened. We
look forward now to hearing from you all. This is
probably one of the most fun episodes we do every week,
is to get the reaction to our column. Past couple
(16:48):
of weeks, people getting a little bolder about criticizing everything
we say. The criticism take issue, that's fine, you can
bring it down a little bit.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Yeah, we will not talk about the mean ones. But
if there's some Fonner pointed ones or someones where I'm like, okay, actually, okay,
you make a good point. Disagree, I'm all about the disagreement,
just as long as it is not mean.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
Well, it's vivan that'll be coming your way. We usually
do those on Wednesdays. We'll do that update. But but yeah,
good luck to them. I know a lot of people
can relate to. It might not have to do with
the prosecting me and I just have to do with
having kids and how many a lot of people deal
with these things. So I'm very glad somebody wrote in
once again being vulnerable as you said.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
Yes, Dad, can't decide. Thank you so much for writing in,
and thank you for listening to this edition of Amy
n TJ. The Esque Amy and TJ Version. I'm Amy
Roebuck alongside TJ. Holmes. Have a great day, everybody,
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