June 7, 2025 • 32 mins
Are you ready to manifest a better life for yourself? Then you’re in the right place! In this episode, Amy and T.J. sit down with New York Times bestselling author and self help guru Gabby Bernstein. Gabby gives the four steps you can take each day that will change how you handle fear and negativity and empower you to live a happier life. Also, Gabby does a deep check-in with T.J. and leaves Amy in tears.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome everyone to this edition of Amy and TJ. This
is an episode that I have been hoping to record
since we began this podcast, and I'm not welcome everyone
to any Amy and TJ podcast. Amy Robot here along
with my TJ Holmes, and we'll continue our conversations with
New York Times best selling author, specifically self helps googu
(00:22):
Jaby Bernstein's at.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Least twice a morning and usually once in the evening.
But I literally right now have tattoos on my body
that were spurred from something having to do with the
conversation I had with you, which I had to do
with something you read from her.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Wait, which chattoo is this?
Speaker 2 (00:42):
I have the universe right here on my own. That's
with the compass. The other one says surrender, right you remember? Yes?
I like you haven't seen my body in a while.
What the hell I have?
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Maybe I need to see it more, baby. That might
be a sign.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Speaking of signs, Yes, that's another big thing. With our
next guest, Gabby Bernstein. New York Times best selling author
and spiritual teacher. Gabby Burnstein has written her tenth book.
It was released at the beginning of this year, and
I love the title self help, because don't we all
need it? And she is the guru of self help.
And the cool thing is Gabby is in studio with
(01:17):
us here in iHeart so I am so honored and
so excited to have you here. Gabby, thank you for.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Being come on al introever.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
I love you, guys. I love that you're like the tattoo.
Speaker 4 (01:30):
I gotta see your body more.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
I love you well.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
It's very reciprocated because I actually wanted to let you
know that you are part of the reason why I
am here with this man today. I he and I
had been friends for eight years. Most people know our story,
so I won't bore everyone with it again. But when
we were recognizing the feelings we had for each other,
(01:55):
we I actually would tell him that the universe. I
really believe this after reading most of your books and
certainly running with them. I love your audio books. I
love your voice in my head helping guide me and
steer me when you're in times in your life when
you're in a transition or you don't know what to do.
I asked for a sign. I asked for science from
(02:16):
the universe. That's something that you suggest people do and
they were there, and I have described this, and we
have talked about this on the podcast. I truly felt
like there was a lighted runway leading me to TJ
and and bringing us together in ways we hadn't expected
or anticipated. And so I even we had a receipt
the other day and it said five five four four,
(02:38):
and I said, that sounds like an angel number, and
I looked it up and it said twin Flame, which
is exactly what I would have described our relationship with.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
But I'm telling.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Are such a huge part of I think if you,
I really do think daily when it comes to how
I'm living my life, how what I'm thinking about in
my head, because all that's so important in terms of
manifesting what you want in your life. And a lot
of some people think that's woo woo, and that's crazy
and that's insane. But how did you get to a
(03:11):
place where you started investing in these concepts? And for
people who are non believers or think this is a
pile of crap, tell everybody in your best way why
it isn't.
Speaker 4 (03:23):
Oh, I mean, for me, this is all I know,
This is all I know to be true. I also
it's interesting I don't really attract a lot of naysayers
because I just think that we you know, we attract
who we are and we attract what we believe. So
anyone that's still listening to this episode is definitely open.
They're open, they're willing, they're ready to have this conversation.
(03:44):
And you know, when TJ came back to grab me
in the green room, he said that I can't even
count the blessings in our life right now, or they're
countless blessing. We can't remember exactly what he said, it
is just true perfection. And he came in with just
like you know, life, life is so good. I'm so
happy to celebrate everything, and that energy, that moment of
that just one moment of meeting this man and then
(04:06):
hearing him lean into that energetic state is what I'm
here to talk about.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
And do I always live that way?
Speaker 4 (04:12):
No, But I am a perfect student because I'm always
bringing myself back. And so the way of living when
we see through that lens of possibility and opportunity and
a spiritual frame of mind or a miracle mindset as
you might call it, is truly, in my opinion, the
only way to live because there's so much that pulls
(04:34):
us out, and there's so many reasons out there to
not live with that inner faith, and so it's a
lot of work at times to reprogram our thinking and
to get back into that state of being. But once
we're there, we have to own it, and we have
to claim it, and we have to rinse and repeat,
put it as a tattoo on your arm, just you know,
(04:54):
stay in the conversation together daily about it and live
in that light because particular right now, I believe that
those of us who do have this type of mindset
are the ones that are going to bring more light
to the world.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Who was your guide or was this something you kind
of had to figure out on your own based on
life experience, you had to do something.
Speaker 4 (05:13):
I had a lot of guides throughout my spiritual pathing.
First with my mother when I was when I was
a teenager, when I was a little kid, my mom
brought me to the ashrums and taught me how to meditate,
and she showed me that she could walk into a
room stressed out and come out of the room different
once she would play the mantra music and light the
incense and start doing her practice. And so I learned
that at a very young age. Oh, that's a way
(05:35):
out of the spiral. And I was also very blessed
to be just drawn to personal development and spiritual practices
at a very young age and taught to meditate young.
And so I had one of my biggest influences in
my life, my career and as a friend and a
mentor was my late mentor, doctor Wayne Dyer. Huge fan,
(05:58):
I mean huge, right, And this week actually I'm recording. Oh,
I was supposed to record it yesterday. I might have
to record something here. Could you guys let me record
something that is epic or we could do it in
the studio later.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
I was sopposed to recording yesterday. Thank you for reminding me. University.
Speaker 4 (06:16):
I wrote the introduction to Wayne's the re release of
Wayne's book, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, and my
publishers asked me to read the introduction and it was
just such a huge opportunity to be like, this man
is in the spiritual form now, but I can speak
on his behalf.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
And so that's what I'm here to do.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
For many many ways, what you talk about and write
about is cool because it is about self empowerment. It
is about changing how you think and therefore changing your life.
You're not putting it on anyone else. You're not pointing
the finger at who did this to you or what happened.
I know you do talk about childhood trauma as well
in this latest book, but really it is about your
(06:56):
own empowerment. And that's what makes it so digestible to me,
because we can all do this, This is all within
our own reach. Why are we all so messed up?
Why do we all struggle so much? Even with all
this knowledge that I'm constantly trying to take in, I
still struggle. You still struggle.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
Why I'm okay, perfect, hasn't beat which is true?
Speaker 3 (07:19):
I mean I think I think that. I think that.
Speaker 4 (07:21):
Look, we're programmed from birth to live in this world
of lack, to live in a world of separation, to
live in a world of fear and uncertainty, and as
even small little children, we start to learn these beliefs,
these core beliefs of I'm not good enough, I'm inadequate,
I'm not lovable. You know, we're bullied in the classroom,
(07:42):
or a parent isn't around, or we have a big
t trauma like an alcoholic parent, or even worse, and
so we experience is the we experience these difficult moments
from our childhood and we don't have the ability to
process those experiences as little children, and so from a
very young age, we start building up these protection mechanisms
and we start protecting ourselves with perfectionism or people pleasing
(08:05):
or or eating or you know, sugar, or just the
ways that we numb out the way that we that
we put out the fire of that discomfort.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
And so what happens is is that why are we
so messed up? Right?
Speaker 4 (08:19):
Is that when we get triggered, we go back into
these protection mechanisms and rinse and repeat, and the loop
just gets more and more, more and more intense. When
we start to put new patterns in the place of
that loop, that's when we begin to heal. And we
put spiritual faith in front of that loop, and we
put personal development tools or therapeutic tools in front of
(08:40):
that habitual pattern, that's when things start to change. But
it's work. It's not no, it's not no work. You know,
anyone that says it self help is easy, they're lying
to you. It's not easy. But I always say it's
much more difficult to live without it.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
I love everything I've read of yours and everything that's
out of your mouth since I met you in the
green room a short time. But this is the part
I pause and get discouraged about. Is that you are
someone who still says you're working at it. You're someone
who says this is hard work, and you've gotten to
this place, and you've been trained since a child to
(09:19):
have these techniques. Most of us were not. So it
sounds daunting to a person listening that's twenty five, thirty,
thirty five, forty fifty listening. Wow, it's too late for me,
or how am I ever going to get to a
good place if she's been doing this or he whole life.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
It's never too late to choose again. And what's beautiful
about that is that you can actually experience the miracle
the shift in your thinking instantly. You can be listening
(09:56):
to us right now, and something in this podcast can
open your mind to see through possibility, or see through
some hopefulness, or to choose to release something. That's the miracle.
So the miracle isn't that, oh my god, I'm totally
new tomorrow. The miracle is that I had a new
idea today and as you start to add up those
(10:16):
miracle moments, that's when you start to live a miraculous life.
The thing that happens often though, is people will read
a book like the Universe Has your Back or like
Self Help, they'll do the work, they'll feel better, and
then they'll be like, I'm good, and then they fall
off track and they'll go right back into the day
to day mundane things. It's being in the habitual practice
of leaning into that light and so when I say, oh, okay,
(10:38):
I fall off Yeah. There's periods of my life where
I've gotten hooked into the storyline or the core belief
that was young, a young belief, and for me, a
big one was like if I don't do it, nobody
else will do it. Okay, Well, that belief was so
strong inside of me that it was creating that story
in my life, right, It was making it so that
I had to do everything I had to, you know,
(11:00):
because because I wasn't even allowing anyone to show up
to do it because I had that core belief. And
so so much of the work in my book Self
Help was to heal that belief. And when we start
to heal those belief systems, we start to change our
reality because we manifest what we believe, and so it's
it's work to change the belief, and then it's and
then it's practiced to maintain the new belief. And that's
(11:23):
that's the simplest way to put it.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Yeah. Yeah, because you say yeah, you say you believe
your thoughts send a message to the universe. And people
can say the universe God. It's all interchangeable. You can
be of religious faith or spiritual faith, it doesn't matter.
You always say that word is interchangeable. But you believe
your thoughts send a message to the universe and what
you put the out there, you will receive back, whether
(11:48):
you like it or not. Yes, you really believe thoughts
are that powerful. How does that work?
Speaker 4 (11:53):
Well, it's the thoughts, but it's also the energy behind
the thoughts, you know. So someone might be like, oh
my God, I thought this bad thing isn't going to happen. No,
it's how often are you thinking it? The thoughts the
beliefs are the thoughts that we keep thinking. So when
we have a thought that's repeated and repeated and repeated,
and we just keep going after it and go after it,
and it starts to become a feeling, and that feeling
starts to be an energy that we put out. That's
(12:15):
when it starts to reflect back to us. And so
that's why it's very valuable to really work with those beliefs,
those core beliefs that are really just repeated thoughts. And
so the practices in my book self Help are about
about befriending those parts of ourselves, befriending the thoughts, and
befriending those beliefs so that we can treat those thoughts
and beliefs almost like little children inside of us and
(12:37):
check in with them. And instead instead of repeating them
and becoming so engrossed in them, we can actually just
turn inward and notice the thought, notice the feeling or
the belief, and then become curious about it. Just notice
where we feel it in our body, whatever, maybe there's
a story or an image that comes to mind that's
attached to it, and then compassionately connect to it.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
Just ask that belief, like what do you like?
Speaker 4 (13:00):
It's a little person inside it, So it's a young
part of you that's like I don't think I'm worthy,
or a young part of you that's like I have
to control everything to feel safe for a young part
of you. That is, you know, I need to pick
up a drink to numb out, and what do you need?
Asking those parts of ourselves and so that kind of
inquiry of just just focusing inward instead of checking out,
checking in instead of checking out, that is what unwinds
(13:22):
the pattern of the belief, and it's interrupting the pattern
that creates the change.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
I sat up, and I'm sure you probably noticed it
as well, but I'm hey, look, most of our podcasts
end up coming turning into therapy sessions for us, so
they should, they should, but they do.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
You say where you can get it? You know, I'm like,
bring it on wherever it is.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
You know what you said something I am exactly in
that lane and that you heard her saying it. She
said this idea that I have to do it. If
I'm not, I don't do it, it doesn't get done. That
is one hundred percent my personality, day and day out.
You have that, I absolutely I will shut down. I
will lose sleep. I'll stay up twenty four to forty
eight hours if I need to, because none of you
suckers are going to help me out. I gotta do this.
(14:01):
What can I act that's old.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Is that believe TJ Man, that has to go.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
I can't remember time I didn't have that.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
You can't remember.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
I cannot remember it time forever because I always I
don't like being let down, I suppose and I don't.
I think it's my fault if something goes wrong, because
it's I'm stupid for even depending on you. I should
have done it myself. A young, young part, that mindset.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
Yeah, do you want to check in with it?
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Yeah? But that's my question that that's example of me.
But everybody has that little moment where something happens. What
in that moment can you a real tool? Or that
creeps into my head? I gotta get it done.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
This is the tool.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
What do you do?
Speaker 4 (14:38):
And don't go, don't go any deeper than you want
to you right now, but this is the tool. Right So
because it's young, it's a young part. So there's there's
definitely wounds there as we all have. Right.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
So at some point in time.
Speaker 4 (14:47):
You believe that if I don't do it, I'm not
going to survive for some something along those lines. I
don't want to put the words in your mouth, but
that you know these are the kinds of core beliefs
that that get there and they become a and then
doing doing doing is the protector. That's the protection mechanism.
And so to check in with that part of you
first and foremost, you notice you want to check out right.
(15:09):
Let's say tonight you're going to stay up until three
o'clock in the morning doing the thing because you don't
believe anybody else can do it, or that you want
to make sure it's done or whatever the story is.
Instead of doing that, that's that with what we might
call checking out right, you would check in, so you
would notice, you'd focus your attention inward, and I'll ask
you one or two questions just right now, very very baseline,
like we're not doing therapy here.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
I'm gonna yes, we are, okay, if.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
You want to. I am trained in this model. So
this is based on a therapy.
Speaker 4 (15:35):
This book is based on a therapy called internal Family
Systems therapy. And I've made it into a self help
practice and I'm trained in the model. So it's safe
to do this. But I'm but I but I will
say that it made it so that it's it's very
day to day that we can do it on a
day day basis. So the first step would be choose
to check inside. So just let me know when you've
got some access focusing your attention inside.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
With you.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (16:01):
And so when we go into that thought of you know,
what is the thought again? What would you call it?
Speaker 2 (16:06):
I would say a lack of trust in anyone to
get things done they need to be he yeah, I.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Don't trust anyone can do it. Yeah. Where does that
live in your body?
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Chest?
Speaker 3 (16:16):
In your chest?
Speaker 2 (16:17):
I can feel it in my chest now.
Speaker 4 (16:18):
Thinking yeah, yeah, does it have any other sensations or
feelings or images attached to it?
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Image? Is not sure? Maybe a little. I'm physically feeling
heat as I'm talking heat. Yeah, okay, yeah, I'm physically
feeling that.
Speaker 4 (16:30):
And are there, just safely any thoughts or memories or
or stories.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Attached to this that you would be comfortable revealing.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Off the top of my head. No, I can remember
a lot throughout my career that anytime I was disappointing
or let down, or somebody didn't do what needed to
be done, I never would blame that person. I would
always go, I'm the idiot. Why did I even trust
you with that? Why did I even think that maybe
you should do it. I should have just taken the
extra hour and a half or maybe.
Speaker 3 (17:00):
That's right where I am okay, okay, so.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Yeah, and I didn't even to make this a warm
one's great.
Speaker 4 (17:05):
So it's working hard. This part of you is working hard. Yeah,
and so just giving it a little bit more connection.
This is the lot the second last step. But just
can you ask that part of you and don't think,
just answer what does it need?
Speaker 2 (17:19):
What does that part need? It needs a It needs
somebody to give it the okay to not feel that way,
Like I need permission from somewhere to say, you know what, dude,
it's okay to just let them do it. And I
guess I haven't done it enough to where it's I
actually it hasn't paid all for me enough to where
(17:40):
I say, okay, it's actually okay. Remember last time, DJ
it it worked out when you gave it to somebody
else to do. I don't have that yet, Like I
don't have enough evidence that that method works.
Speaker 4 (17:49):
It needs it needs, it almost needs like a parent
or someone to say it's okay not to have to.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
Do it all. Oh well, yeah, so I feel like that.
Speaker 4 (17:56):
Could you say that to it that to it. Yeah,
what do you mean you TJ? The father, Yes, the partner,
the guide here in the room. Could you say that
to that part of you, that younger part of.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
You, say to it to give permission.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
Yeah, it's okay not to have to do it.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
It's okay, it's okay. I don't have to stay up
tonight and write all these stories.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
I'm telling you, Gabby, this is it. I did not
know this was going here or going there. There's one
more one more second though, Okay, give it a little breath.
Just put your hand on your heart, Taj, because that's
where you felt it, on your chest, and just give
it some breath and just be like, okay, this is
our first conversation.
Speaker 4 (18:35):
Like, okay, little man inside you know this is it's
like little bro inside. They're young parts, like this is
our first conversation. I have my beloved next to me,
Gabby's with me, like this is super safe, and just
just let it know.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
Just give it a little breath and just take a
deep breath and just be.
Speaker 4 (18:50):
Breathed with it for a second. And how do you feel,
just with a little brief check in.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
You know, empowered? Because I'm aware I've actually stopped and
taken a moment to pay attention to something that I
usually just this is how I am, this is how
it is. Let's go on, let's go So it is
to your point. I guess that works.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
You have some clarity. You have a little clarity.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Because you just stop and pay attention to it for
a moment, which.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
Normally a little connection to it. I'm not sure about that, Okay,
not yet. Are you a little bit more curious about it?
Speaker 2 (19:20):
White?
Speaker 4 (19:20):
Okay, so i'll send you self help and you'll do
the book and you might check in with it more. Okay, great,
So there the two signs I know that it worked. Okay,
curiosity and clarity. Okay, there's still so much resistance because
these parts are so young. So you're very courageous to
do that. I also see courage because you did it,
so courage is another sign. These see qualities are what's
(19:42):
called self in ifs and internal family systems therapy. In
spiritual Lexicon, it would be called you know your inner spirit,
your higher self right, And that's the resourced part of us,
the part that's not the little children inside of us.
It's the calm, the curiosity, the courage, the confidence, the clarity,
(20:03):
the commitment, the connection, creativity, it's these sea qualities of self.
And so the point of these steps is to check in,
become curious, right, offer the curiosity, compassionately connect, ask what
do you need? And then notice what shift is happening inside.
And if you notice any of those qualities of the curiosity,
(20:26):
which we got, we got confidence because and the courrct courage.
He did it, You did it. You went there. That
was courage, man, And we also got some we got curiosity,
and we got some clarity that self. And so by
just you said it, by I'm never really checking in
with this part, you kind of in your own words said,
(20:47):
I'm just overriding it all the time, right, And that's
what we do. That's what we all do. We're overriding
these these core wounds. But then the fact that you
just took a few minutes to check in with it
with me shows you me, shows Amy that we are
in a place of recognizing there's a little.
Speaker 3 (21:04):
Bit more clarity here. So, yeah, I mean self.
Speaker 4 (21:07):
It's a how self helps because self is the inner
parent inside.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Well, we can be our we can parent ourselves, we
can reparent ourselves.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
All that calm.
Speaker 4 (21:17):
What do we need from our parents when we were
in these places and believing why I have to do
everything or I'm not good enough? We needed them to
be calm. We needed them to be courageous, We needed
them to be clear, confident, compassionate.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
And that's just not always the case.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
That's just not the reality. They couldn't do it.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
You know, it's interesting. We were on the subway Gabby
talking and I asked him, did you eat? He puts
all of his actual physical needs aside to work, work, work, work, work,
He won't eat, he won't sleep, and as his partner,
it breaks my heart.
Speaker 3 (22:01):
So that was really cool, but that just happened.
Speaker 4 (22:03):
Yeah, And you know what's beautiful, guys, is that now
you just have a very simple framework that when I
send you this book, you can you can check in together.
Speaker 3 (22:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (22:16):
I love it because self energy begets more self energy.
So I'm sure that Amy, when you're in a tizzy,
TJ's calmness settles you, right, and his confidence and his clarity,
his self energy. You guys are so fucking beautiful, You're
so I'm just this is such magic happening here.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
I love you so much. It's making me cry.
Speaker 4 (22:38):
So it's really this is what this is all about, okay,
because what we need, what the world needs, is TJ
and his most calm and most courageous and confident and
clear self because he's a light worker, right, So we
need that safety inside of him so that he can
be this beacon of light for the world and for
(23:00):
you and for your girls, right and same for you, Amy.
So that's why it's go time. That's why we have
to all of us, not just you guys, everybody, anyone
who's in this open hearted space. This is go time.
We have to open our hearts more. We have to
heal our wounds because we have a lot.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
Of work to do.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
Yeah, because they get in the way, don't they When
you're trying to constantly protect and defend. That's when we
all get into trouble with ourselves and with one another.
I have another question, why do we have so much
trouble enjoying the good times? You know, we struggle obviously
when things are tough, and that kind of is self explanatory.
But when things are good, why is it so hard
(23:39):
to enjoy it.
Speaker 3 (23:40):
Because we don't trust it.
Speaker 4 (23:43):
We don't trust it, right, We trust that the pain
has purpose, right, we believe that this is too good
to be true. We also have such ingrained protection mechanisms
that if we have this underlying belief that if we
stop doing that thing that's protecting me so much, right,
like overworking or overriding or from me was controlling. If
(24:06):
we to stop that thing, who will we be? We
fear that that will be unsafe. And so when Joyce
starts to come through, it's like, oh, I can relax
into that joy Oh that feels good. Oh no no no,
that fear voice, that protection mechanism is be like no, no, no, no, no,
stop it. Now, you got to get back into that
protection mode.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
It's not safe. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
I think I have always tried to control things, and
it's a similar thing where you're I know what I
can do, and if something goes wrong and it's on me,
then I can take responsibility. So I'm in control versus things.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
Happening to me.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
When things happen to youn't isn't that the scariest thing
at all? So I get that. I think a lot
of people, if they actually think about it, that you
don't realize that's a defense mechanism. But one hundred percent
that's what it is those of us who.
Speaker 4 (24:52):
Have a controller part, which sounds like we have a
commonality here, that controller part. Probably my I guess is
at a young age learned like if I'm not in control,
I'm not safe. You know, if I'm not taking care
of everything, I'm not safe, or I'm not good enough,
or I'm unlovable.
Speaker 3 (25:11):
Yeah, is there deep?
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Is it always necessary to know the origin? People?
Speaker 3 (25:17):
Kind of necessarily?
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Okay people? Oh what happened to your childhood? What was
your relationship like with your follow that kind of stuf?
Speaker 3 (25:21):
Is that No, No, it doesn't. It doesn't have to
be that way.
Speaker 4 (25:24):
It's just even and and in our you know, whether
we remember these things or not. In my case, I
was associated from some of these memories for a long time.
They didn't come back into my late thirties. But regardless
of whether we forget or we know whatever, maybe it's
in us and it's acting out every day.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Wow, wow, I I love this. I have so many
of your quotes because I actually have a file on
my phone where I re examine some of the things
you've said. When I'm needing inspiration or needing a realignment
of some kind and I also go back and re
listen to your books are amazing. You actually were with
me on my first marathon training because my best friend NICKI.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
And I she is probably your biggest fan.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
But we would listen to your books like in a
little book club as we were running, so we had
self improvement mentally while we were also trying to fis.
Speaker 4 (26:13):
That there is a study show that how how how
meaningful that is for every cell in your body.
Speaker 3 (26:18):
It made affirmation. It's a huge difference. Huge.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
But you say low vibe thoughts are addictive? How are
they addictive? And why why do we want to have
these low vibrations? Why do we want to be in
a negative cycle or a negative thought pattern? Why do
we why do we get addicted to that that sounds
so awful?
Speaker 3 (26:38):
Why would we choose that?
Speaker 4 (26:39):
Well, some of it is that if I, if I
project out, I don't have to feel what's inside. Wow,
And so you know that it's their fault, that it's
not mine or or even or even like it's you know,
if it's my fault, like or I did this, you
know I'm at fault. Then that's another form of a
judgment or attack. Then we don't have to feel the pain.
(27:01):
So so these attack thoughts of fear and separation and
just just personal attack or external attack make it so
that we don't have to feel the suffering, and so
the fear becomes an addiction. The same way, if I
pick up that drink, I don't have to feel the suffering.
It's the exact same thing. If I focus on the worrying,
I don't have to feel the deeper suffering. If I
(27:23):
run from this problem, I don't have to feel the
deeper suffering if I override myself with you know, work
or attacking others or judgment. I wrote a hope book
called Judgment Detox. That book does not get enough light.
Speaker 3 (27:34):
I should come back. I should do a relaunch of
that one.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Send me one please exactly.
Speaker 3 (27:38):
Well, I'm sending you guys all because negative thoughts.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
How many people just have negative thoughts going on like
in a circle and repeat in your mind and like
why but that makes so much sense.
Speaker 4 (27:50):
Yeah, they're protection mechanisms, and it's interesting. I had a
big quantum shift recently. I guess not such a quantum SHIFTCAU.
I've been working on it for twenty years, but I
had a shift recently where I was thinking about these
this you know, this storyline of like if I don't
do it, nobody else will, and I just by the universe,
but by by chance, had you know, two and a
(28:10):
half week tour in Australia, and then I was away
for five more days in Hawaii. So I's gone for
three weeks and I then was here with you guys
today and it's impress And so I haven't had my
team calls with my team who are the you know,
who are the ones that I often will unfortunately, you know,
reap the benefits of me not believing that if I
don't do it, nobody else will do it. That can
show up a lot at work, right, And so I
(28:31):
haven't been on the calls of them for three weeks.
And I was listening to Wayne Dyer as I was
driving into the city and he was talking about how
the empowered leader is the one that just sits back
and listens and observes and isn't trying to make things
be a certain way, and I was like, wow, like
maybe maybe this was the universe hooking me up. But
(28:52):
being away for three weeks and just letting them do
their jobs and letting people just show up and even
letting other people leave the team rather than even me
leading the team, right, And I think it. You know,
for anyone that's a business owner, they're gonna beay, whoa, whoa, Wow,
that's too crazy. But there's something magical that I think
is happening by just sort of taking my hands off
(29:13):
the wheel, and that's as it's allowing me to sort
of create a news story, which is not always the
easiest thing.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
But it's a long time coming. I've been working on
this part of myself for a long time. So here
it is. Now I'm getting some healing.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
How do we So do you have I know you
have tools, So what are your tools? When you have
and you see yourself I'd say spiraling or you feel
yourself spiraling or you're thinking worst case scenario, or this
is never gonna work out, or this can never happen,
or why am I so stupid even to believe this
could happen? How do when you find yourself and you
finally have that recognition what am I doing?
Speaker 3 (29:50):
How do you stop it?
Speaker 1 (29:50):
How do you heal yourself? How do you find your
way out of that?
Speaker 4 (29:54):
Okay, well, we can use the four step check in
so The first step would be to notice I'm in
a negative thought belief sensation this does it feel good?
I have enough awareness of that stimulus which is the
trigger and my desire to respond and react right, So
I have awareness of that, or I'm in the pattern,
or I'm after the pattern or whatever it is, wherever
you are.
Speaker 3 (30:13):
In the loop and you can catch it.
Speaker 4 (30:16):
So the first step is to notice and say I'm
gonna choose to check in instead of check out. That's
step one. The second step is just gentle curiosity, just
turning your attention inward like we did with TJ, and
just asking you know where do I feel it in
my body?
Speaker 3 (30:29):
What do I know about it?
Speaker 4 (30:30):
Are there any thoughts or feelings that want to come forward?
The third step once you have a little connection, the
third step is to compassionately connect and just ask the
part of you that's activated, what do you need, remembering
this is just a young little part of you that's
acting up. And then the fourth step is to check
for self. So check for those ce qualities. Do I
feel more calm? Do I feel connected to this part
(30:52):
of myself? Do I feel curious about it? Do I
feel creative? Do I feel compassionate, courage. Notice those sea
qualities and those four steps are broken down to the
book a million times, but they're also right here. You
can just start start checking in instead of checking out,
and it's.
Speaker 3 (31:07):
And it if the more.
Speaker 4 (31:09):
If you do that one minute a day, four steps,
you'll change your life.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
What period, Well, by the time you get to step four,
where you're checking in to see if you feel calm
and connected, if you don't say yes to those questions,
should you repeat right, by the time you get to
step forward, you should be feeling one of those.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
There's no shoulds.
Speaker 4 (31:27):
If you're not feeling it yet, you could know that
you did it because you did the process and that
process is a compassionate process, and that process is a
curious process. So even if you're not feeling a shift inside, yes,
you could do it again. You could journal with it.
You could do those four steps journaling. So again, it's
choose to check in curiosity, compassion, so asking what do
you need and then checking in to see the shift inside.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
And there's so much more to come here on the
Amy and TJ podcast. Stay tuned for part two of
our conversation with self help guru Gabby Bernstein. But in
the meantime help you all a wonderful day.
Welcome everyone to this edition of Amy and TJ. This
is an episode that I have been hoping to record
since we began this podcast, and I'm not welcome everyone
to any Amy and TJ podcast. Amy Robot here along
with my TJ Holmes, and we'll continue our conversations with
New York Times best selling author, specifically self helps googu
(00:22):
Jaby Bernstein's at.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Least twice a morning and usually once in the evening.
But I literally right now have tattoos on my body
that were spurred from something having to do with the
conversation I had with you, which I had to do
with something you read from her.
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Wait, which chattoo is this?
Speaker 2 (00:42):
I have the universe right here on my own. That's
with the compass. The other one says surrender, right you remember? Yes?
I like you haven't seen my body in a while.
What the hell I have?
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Maybe I need to see it more, baby. That might
be a sign.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Speaking of signs, Yes, that's another big thing. With our
next guest, Gabby Bernstein. New York Times best selling author
and spiritual teacher. Gabby Burnstein has written her tenth book.
It was released at the beginning of this year, and
I love the title self help, because don't we all
need it? And she is the guru of self help.
And the cool thing is Gabby is in studio with
(01:17):
us here in iHeart so I am so honored and
so excited to have you here. Gabby, thank you for.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
Being come on al introever.
Speaker 3 (01:27):
I love you, guys. I love that you're like the tattoo.
Speaker 4 (01:30):
I gotta see your body more.
Speaker 3 (01:33):
I love you well.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
It's very reciprocated because I actually wanted to let you
know that you are part of the reason why I
am here with this man today. I he and I
had been friends for eight years. Most people know our story,
so I won't bore everyone with it again. But when
we were recognizing the feelings we had for each other,
(01:55):
we I actually would tell him that the universe. I
really believe this after reading most of your books and
certainly running with them. I love your audio books. I
love your voice in my head helping guide me and
steer me when you're in times in your life when
you're in a transition or you don't know what to do.
I asked for a sign. I asked for science from
(02:16):
the universe. That's something that you suggest people do and
they were there, and I have described this, and we
have talked about this on the podcast. I truly felt
like there was a lighted runway leading me to TJ
and and bringing us together in ways we hadn't expected
or anticipated. And so I even we had a receipt
the other day and it said five five four four,
(02:38):
and I said, that sounds like an angel number, and
I looked it up and it said twin Flame, which
is exactly what I would have described our relationship with.
Speaker 3 (02:48):
But I'm telling.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Are such a huge part of I think if you,
I really do think daily when it comes to how
I'm living my life, how what I'm thinking about in
my head, because all that's so important in terms of
manifesting what you want in your life. And a lot
of some people think that's woo woo, and that's crazy
and that's insane. But how did you get to a
(03:11):
place where you started investing in these concepts? And for
people who are non believers or think this is a
pile of crap, tell everybody in your best way why
it isn't.
Speaker 4 (03:23):
Oh, I mean, for me, this is all I know,
This is all I know to be true. I also
it's interesting I don't really attract a lot of naysayers
because I just think that we you know, we attract
who we are and we attract what we believe. So
anyone that's still listening to this episode is definitely open.
They're open, they're willing, they're ready to have this conversation.
(03:44):
And you know, when TJ came back to grab me
in the green room, he said that I can't even
count the blessings in our life right now, or they're
countless blessing. We can't remember exactly what he said, it
is just true perfection. And he came in with just
like you know, life, life is so good. I'm so
happy to celebrate everything, and that energy, that moment of
that just one moment of meeting this man and then
(04:06):
hearing him lean into that energetic state is what I'm
here to talk about.
Speaker 3 (04:11):
And do I always live that way?
Speaker 4 (04:12):
No, But I am a perfect student because I'm always
bringing myself back. And so the way of living when
we see through that lens of possibility and opportunity and
a spiritual frame of mind or a miracle mindset as
you might call it, is truly, in my opinion, the
only way to live because there's so much that pulls
(04:34):
us out, and there's so many reasons out there to
not live with that inner faith, and so it's a
lot of work at times to reprogram our thinking and
to get back into that state of being. But once
we're there, we have to own it, and we have
to claim it, and we have to rinse and repeat,
put it as a tattoo on your arm, just you know,
(04:54):
stay in the conversation together daily about it and live
in that light because particular right now, I believe that
those of us who do have this type of mindset
are the ones that are going to bring more light
to the world.
Speaker 2 (05:06):
Who was your guide or was this something you kind
of had to figure out on your own based on
life experience, you had to do something.
Speaker 4 (05:13):
I had a lot of guides throughout my spiritual pathing.
First with my mother when I was when I was
a teenager, when I was a little kid, my mom
brought me to the ashrums and taught me how to meditate,
and she showed me that she could walk into a
room stressed out and come out of the room different
once she would play the mantra music and light the
incense and start doing her practice. And so I learned
that at a very young age. Oh, that's a way
(05:35):
out of the spiral. And I was also very blessed
to be just drawn to personal development and spiritual practices
at a very young age and taught to meditate young.
And so I had one of my biggest influences in
my life, my career and as a friend and a
mentor was my late mentor, doctor Wayne Dyer. Huge fan,
(05:58):
I mean huge, right, And this week actually I'm recording. Oh,
I was supposed to record it yesterday. I might have
to record something here. Could you guys let me record
something that is epic or we could do it in
the studio later.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
I was sopposed to recording yesterday. Thank you for reminding me. University.
Speaker 4 (06:16):
I wrote the introduction to Wayne's the re release of
Wayne's book, Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life, and my
publishers asked me to read the introduction and it was
just such a huge opportunity to be like, this man
is in the spiritual form now, but I can speak
on his behalf.
Speaker 3 (06:35):
And so that's what I'm here to do.
Speaker 1 (06:36):
For many many ways, what you talk about and write
about is cool because it is about self empowerment. It
is about changing how you think and therefore changing your life.
You're not putting it on anyone else. You're not pointing
the finger at who did this to you or what happened.
I know you do talk about childhood trauma as well
in this latest book, but really it is about your
(06:56):
own empowerment. And that's what makes it so digestible to me,
because we can all do this, This is all within
our own reach. Why are we all so messed up?
Why do we all struggle so much? Even with all
this knowledge that I'm constantly trying to take in, I
still struggle. You still struggle.
Speaker 4 (07:14):
Why I'm okay, perfect, hasn't beat which is true?
Speaker 3 (07:19):
I mean I think I think that. I think that.
Speaker 4 (07:21):
Look, we're programmed from birth to live in this world
of lack, to live in a world of separation, to
live in a world of fear and uncertainty, and as
even small little children, we start to learn these beliefs,
these core beliefs of I'm not good enough, I'm inadequate,
I'm not lovable. You know, we're bullied in the classroom,
(07:42):
or a parent isn't around, or we have a big
t trauma like an alcoholic parent, or even worse, and
so we experience is the we experience these difficult moments
from our childhood and we don't have the ability to
process those experiences as little children, and so from a
very young age, we start building up these protection mechanisms
and we start protecting ourselves with perfectionism or people pleasing
(08:05):
or or eating or you know, sugar, or just the
ways that we numb out the way that we that
we put out the fire of that discomfort.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
And so what happens is is that why are we
so messed up? Right?
Speaker 4 (08:19):
Is that when we get triggered, we go back into
these protection mechanisms and rinse and repeat, and the loop
just gets more and more, more and more intense. When
we start to put new patterns in the place of
that loop, that's when we begin to heal. And we
put spiritual faith in front of that loop, and we
put personal development tools or therapeutic tools in front of
(08:40):
that habitual pattern, that's when things start to change. But
it's work. It's not no, it's not no work. You know,
anyone that says it self help is easy, they're lying
to you. It's not easy. But I always say it's
much more difficult to live without it.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
I love everything I've read of yours and everything that's
out of your mouth since I met you in the
green room a short time. But this is the part
I pause and get discouraged about. Is that you are
someone who still says you're working at it. You're someone
who says this is hard work, and you've gotten to
this place, and you've been trained since a child to
(09:19):
have these techniques. Most of us were not. So it
sounds daunting to a person listening that's twenty five, thirty,
thirty five, forty fifty listening. Wow, it's too late for me,
or how am I ever going to get to a
good place if she's been doing this or he whole life.
Speaker 4 (09:33):
It's never too late to choose again. And what's beautiful
about that is that you can actually experience the miracle
the shift in your thinking instantly. You can be listening
(09:56):
to us right now, and something in this podcast can
open your mind to see through possibility, or see through
some hopefulness, or to choose to release something. That's the miracle.
So the miracle isn't that, oh my god, I'm totally
new tomorrow. The miracle is that I had a new
idea today and as you start to add up those
(10:16):
miracle moments, that's when you start to live a miraculous life.
The thing that happens often though, is people will read
a book like the Universe Has your Back or like
Self Help, they'll do the work, they'll feel better, and
then they'll be like, I'm good, and then they fall
off track and they'll go right back into the day
to day mundane things. It's being in the habitual practice
of leaning into that light and so when I say, oh, okay,
(10:38):
I fall off Yeah. There's periods of my life where
I've gotten hooked into the storyline or the core belief
that was young, a young belief, and for me, a
big one was like if I don't do it, nobody
else will do it. Okay, Well, that belief was so
strong inside of me that it was creating that story
in my life, right, It was making it so that
I had to do everything I had to, you know,
(11:00):
because because I wasn't even allowing anyone to show up
to do it because I had that core belief. And
so so much of the work in my book Self
Help was to heal that belief. And when we start
to heal those belief systems, we start to change our
reality because we manifest what we believe, and so it's
it's work to change the belief, and then it's and
then it's practiced to maintain the new belief. And that's
(11:23):
that's the simplest way to put it.
Speaker 1 (11:25):
Yeah. Yeah, because you say yeah, you say you believe
your thoughts send a message to the universe. And people
can say the universe God. It's all interchangeable. You can
be of religious faith or spiritual faith, it doesn't matter.
You always say that word is interchangeable. But you believe
your thoughts send a message to the universe and what
you put the out there, you will receive back, whether
(11:48):
you like it or not. Yes, you really believe thoughts
are that powerful. How does that work?
Speaker 4 (11:53):
Well, it's the thoughts, but it's also the energy behind
the thoughts, you know. So someone might be like, oh
my God, I thought this bad thing isn't going to happen. No,
it's how often are you thinking it? The thoughts the
beliefs are the thoughts that we keep thinking. So when
we have a thought that's repeated and repeated and repeated,
and we just keep going after it and go after it,
and it starts to become a feeling, and that feeling
starts to be an energy that we put out. That's
(12:15):
when it starts to reflect back to us. And so
that's why it's very valuable to really work with those beliefs,
those core beliefs that are really just repeated thoughts. And
so the practices in my book self Help are about
about befriending those parts of ourselves, befriending the thoughts, and
befriending those beliefs so that we can treat those thoughts
and beliefs almost like little children inside of us and
(12:37):
check in with them. And instead instead of repeating them
and becoming so engrossed in them, we can actually just
turn inward and notice the thought, notice the feeling or
the belief, and then become curious about it. Just notice
where we feel it in our body, whatever, maybe there's
a story or an image that comes to mind that's
attached to it, and then compassionately connect to it.
Speaker 3 (12:58):
Just ask that belief, like what do you like?
Speaker 4 (13:00):
It's a little person inside it, So it's a young
part of you that's like I don't think I'm worthy,
or a young part of you that's like I have
to control everything to feel safe for a young part
of you. That is, you know, I need to pick
up a drink to numb out, and what do you need?
Asking those parts of ourselves and so that kind of
inquiry of just just focusing inward instead of checking out,
checking in instead of checking out, that is what unwinds
(13:22):
the pattern of the belief, and it's interrupting the pattern
that creates the change.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
I sat up, and I'm sure you probably noticed it
as well, but I'm hey, look, most of our podcasts
end up coming turning into therapy sessions for us, so
they should, they should, but they do.
Speaker 3 (13:37):
You say where you can get it? You know, I'm like,
bring it on wherever it is.
Speaker 2 (13:41):
You know what you said something I am exactly in
that lane and that you heard her saying it. She
said this idea that I have to do it. If
I'm not, I don't do it, it doesn't get done. That
is one hundred percent my personality, day and day out.
You have that, I absolutely I will shut down. I
will lose sleep. I'll stay up twenty four to forty
eight hours if I need to, because none of you
suckers are going to help me out. I gotta do this.
(14:01):
What can I act that's old.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Is that believe TJ Man, that has to go.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
I can't remember time I didn't have that.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
You can't remember.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
I cannot remember it time forever because I always I
don't like being let down, I suppose and I don't.
I think it's my fault if something goes wrong, because
it's I'm stupid for even depending on you. I should
have done it myself. A young, young part, that mindset.
Speaker 3 (14:25):
Yeah, do you want to check in with it?
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Yeah? But that's my question that that's example of me.
But everybody has that little moment where something happens. What
in that moment can you a real tool? Or that
creeps into my head? I gotta get it done.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
This is the tool.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
What do you do?
Speaker 4 (14:38):
And don't go, don't go any deeper than you want
to you right now, but this is the tool. Right So
because it's young, it's a young part. So there's there's
definitely wounds there as we all have. Right.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
So at some point in time.
Speaker 4 (14:47):
You believe that if I don't do it, I'm not
going to survive for some something along those lines. I
don't want to put the words in your mouth, but
that you know these are the kinds of core beliefs
that that get there and they become a and then
doing doing doing is the protector. That's the protection mechanism.
And so to check in with that part of you
first and foremost, you notice you want to check out right.
(15:09):
Let's say tonight you're going to stay up until three
o'clock in the morning doing the thing because you don't
believe anybody else can do it, or that you want
to make sure it's done or whatever the story is.
Instead of doing that, that's that with what we might
call checking out right, you would check in, so you
would notice, you'd focus your attention inward, and I'll ask
you one or two questions just right now, very very baseline,
like we're not doing therapy here.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
I'm gonna yes, we are, okay, if.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
You want to. I am trained in this model. So
this is based on a therapy.
Speaker 4 (15:35):
This book is based on a therapy called internal Family
Systems therapy. And I've made it into a self help
practice and I'm trained in the model. So it's safe
to do this. But I'm but I but I will
say that it made it so that it's it's very
day to day that we can do it on a
day day basis. So the first step would be choose
to check inside. So just let me know when you've
got some access focusing your attention inside.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
With you.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
Okay.
Speaker 4 (16:01):
And so when we go into that thought of you know,
what is the thought again? What would you call it?
Speaker 2 (16:06):
I would say a lack of trust in anyone to
get things done they need to be he yeah, I.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Don't trust anyone can do it. Yeah. Where does that
live in your body?
Speaker 2 (16:16):
Chest?
Speaker 3 (16:16):
In your chest?
Speaker 2 (16:17):
I can feel it in my chest now.
Speaker 4 (16:18):
Thinking yeah, yeah, does it have any other sensations or
feelings or images attached to it?
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Image? Is not sure? Maybe a little. I'm physically feeling
heat as I'm talking heat. Yeah, okay, yeah, I'm physically
feeling that.
Speaker 4 (16:30):
And are there, just safely any thoughts or memories or
or stories.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Attached to this that you would be comfortable revealing.
Speaker 2 (16:38):
Off the top of my head. No, I can remember
a lot throughout my career that anytime I was disappointing
or let down, or somebody didn't do what needed to
be done, I never would blame that person. I would
always go, I'm the idiot. Why did I even trust
you with that? Why did I even think that maybe
you should do it. I should have just taken the
extra hour and a half or maybe.
Speaker 3 (17:00):
That's right where I am okay, okay, so.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Yeah, and I didn't even to make this a warm
one's great.
Speaker 4 (17:05):
So it's working hard. This part of you is working hard. Yeah,
and so just giving it a little bit more connection.
This is the lot the second last step. But just
can you ask that part of you and don't think,
just answer what does it need?
Speaker 2 (17:19):
What does that part need? It needs a It needs
somebody to give it the okay to not feel that way,
Like I need permission from somewhere to say, you know what, dude,
it's okay to just let them do it. And I
guess I haven't done it enough to where it's I
actually it hasn't paid all for me enough to where
(17:40):
I say, okay, it's actually okay. Remember last time, DJ
it it worked out when you gave it to somebody
else to do. I don't have that yet, Like I
don't have enough evidence that that method works.
Speaker 4 (17:49):
It needs it needs, it almost needs like a parent
or someone to say it's okay not to have to.
Speaker 3 (17:53):
Do it all. Oh well, yeah, so I feel like that.
Speaker 4 (17:56):
Could you say that to it that to it. Yeah,
what do you mean you TJ? The father, Yes, the partner,
the guide here in the room. Could you say that
to that part of you, that younger part of.
Speaker 2 (18:11):
You, say to it to give permission.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
Yeah, it's okay not to have to do it.
Speaker 2 (18:15):
It's okay, it's okay. I don't have to stay up
tonight and write all these stories.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
I'm telling you, Gabby, this is it. I did not
know this was going here or going there. There's one
more one more second though, Okay, give it a little breath.
Just put your hand on your heart, Taj, because that's
where you felt it, on your chest, and just give
it some breath and just be like, okay, this is
our first conversation.
Speaker 4 (18:35):
Like, okay, little man inside you know this is it's
like little bro inside. They're young parts, like this is
our first conversation. I have my beloved next to me,
Gabby's with me, like this is super safe, and just
just let it know.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
Just give it a little breath and just take a
deep breath and just be.
Speaker 4 (18:50):
Breathed with it for a second. And how do you feel,
just with a little brief check in.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
You know, empowered? Because I'm aware I've actually stopped and
taken a moment to pay attention to something that I
usually just this is how I am, this is how
it is. Let's go on, let's go So it is
to your point. I guess that works.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
You have some clarity. You have a little clarity.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
Because you just stop and pay attention to it for
a moment, which.
Speaker 3 (19:13):
Normally a little connection to it. I'm not sure about that, Okay,
not yet. Are you a little bit more curious about it?
Speaker 2 (19:20):
White?
Speaker 4 (19:20):
Okay, so i'll send you self help and you'll do
the book and you might check in with it more. Okay, great,
So there the two signs I know that it worked. Okay,
curiosity and clarity. Okay, there's still so much resistance because
these parts are so young. So you're very courageous to
do that. I also see courage because you did it,
so courage is another sign. These see qualities are what's
(19:42):
called self in ifs and internal family systems therapy. In
spiritual Lexicon, it would be called you know your inner spirit,
your higher self right, And that's the resourced part of us,
the part that's not the little children inside of us.
It's the calm, the curiosity, the courage, the confidence, the clarity,
(20:03):
the commitment, the connection, creativity, it's these sea qualities of self.
And so the point of these steps is to check in,
become curious, right, offer the curiosity, compassionately connect, ask what
do you need? And then notice what shift is happening inside.
And if you notice any of those qualities of the curiosity,
(20:26):
which we got, we got confidence because and the courrct courage.
He did it, You did it. You went there. That
was courage, man, And we also got some we got curiosity,
and we got some clarity that self. And so by
just you said it, by I'm never really checking in
with this part, you kind of in your own words said,
(20:47):
I'm just overriding it all the time, right, And that's
what we do. That's what we all do. We're overriding
these these core wounds. But then the fact that you
just took a few minutes to check in with it
with me shows you me, shows Amy that we are
in a place of recognizing there's a little.
Speaker 3 (21:04):
Bit more clarity here. So, yeah, I mean self.
Speaker 4 (21:07):
It's a how self helps because self is the inner
parent inside.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Well, we can be our we can parent ourselves, we
can reparent ourselves.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
All that calm.
Speaker 4 (21:17):
What do we need from our parents when we were
in these places and believing why I have to do
everything or I'm not good enough? We needed them to
be calm. We needed them to be courageous, We needed
them to be clear, confident, compassionate.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
And that's just not always the case.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
That's just not the reality. They couldn't do it.
Speaker 1 (21:31):
You know, it's interesting. We were on the subway Gabby
talking and I asked him, did you eat? He puts
all of his actual physical needs aside to work, work, work, work, work,
He won't eat, he won't sleep, and as his partner,
it breaks my heart.
Speaker 3 (22:01):
So that was really cool, but that just happened.
Speaker 4 (22:03):
Yeah, And you know what's beautiful, guys, is that now
you just have a very simple framework that when I
send you this book, you can you can check in together.
Speaker 3 (22:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (22:16):
I love it because self energy begets more self energy.
So I'm sure that Amy, when you're in a tizzy,
TJ's calmness settles you, right, and his confidence and his clarity,
his self energy. You guys are so fucking beautiful, You're
so I'm just this is such magic happening here.
Speaker 3 (22:36):
I love you so much. It's making me cry.
Speaker 4 (22:38):
So it's really this is what this is all about, okay,
because what we need, what the world needs, is TJ
and his most calm and most courageous and confident and
clear self because he's a light worker, right, So we
need that safety inside of him so that he can
be this beacon of light for the world and for
(23:00):
you and for your girls, right and same for you, Amy.
So that's why it's go time. That's why we have
to all of us, not just you guys, everybody, anyone
who's in this open hearted space. This is go time.
We have to open our hearts more. We have to
heal our wounds because we have a lot.
Speaker 3 (23:17):
Of work to do.
Speaker 1 (23:18):
Yeah, because they get in the way, don't they When
you're trying to constantly protect and defend. That's when we
all get into trouble with ourselves and with one another.
I have another question, why do we have so much
trouble enjoying the good times? You know, we struggle obviously
when things are tough, and that kind of is self explanatory.
But when things are good, why is it so hard
(23:39):
to enjoy it.
Speaker 3 (23:40):
Because we don't trust it.
Speaker 4 (23:43):
We don't trust it, right, We trust that the pain
has purpose, right, we believe that this is too good
to be true. We also have such ingrained protection mechanisms
that if we have this underlying belief that if we
stop doing that thing that's protecting me so much, right,
like overworking or overriding or from me was controlling. If
(24:06):
we to stop that thing, who will we be? We
fear that that will be unsafe. And so when Joyce
starts to come through, it's like, oh, I can relax
into that joy Oh that feels good. Oh no no no,
that fear voice, that protection mechanism is be like no, no, no, no, no,
stop it. Now, you got to get back into that
protection mode.
Speaker 3 (24:27):
It's not safe. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
I think I have always tried to control things, and
it's a similar thing where you're I know what I
can do, and if something goes wrong and it's on me,
then I can take responsibility. So I'm in control versus things.
Speaker 3 (24:40):
Happening to me.
Speaker 1 (24:41):
When things happen to youn't isn't that the scariest thing
at all? So I get that. I think a lot
of people, if they actually think about it, that you
don't realize that's a defense mechanism. But one hundred percent
that's what it is those of us who.
Speaker 4 (24:52):
Have a controller part, which sounds like we have a
commonality here, that controller part. Probably my I guess is
at a young age learned like if I'm not in control,
I'm not safe. You know, if I'm not taking care
of everything, I'm not safe, or I'm not good enough,
or I'm unlovable.
Speaker 3 (25:11):
Yeah, is there deep?
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Is it always necessary to know the origin? People?
Speaker 3 (25:17):
Kind of necessarily?
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Okay people? Oh what happened to your childhood? What was
your relationship like with your follow that kind of stuf?
Speaker 3 (25:21):
Is that No, No, it doesn't. It doesn't have to
be that way.
Speaker 4 (25:24):
It's just even and and in our you know, whether
we remember these things or not. In my case, I
was associated from some of these memories for a long time.
They didn't come back into my late thirties. But regardless
of whether we forget or we know whatever, maybe it's
in us and it's acting out every day.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Wow, wow, I I love this. I have so many
of your quotes because I actually have a file on
my phone where I re examine some of the things
you've said. When I'm needing inspiration or needing a realignment
of some kind and I also go back and re
listen to your books are amazing. You actually were with
me on my first marathon training because my best friend NICKI.
Speaker 3 (26:05):
And I she is probably your biggest fan.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
But we would listen to your books like in a
little book club as we were running, so we had
self improvement mentally while we were also trying to fis.
Speaker 4 (26:13):
That there is a study show that how how how
meaningful that is for every cell in your body.
Speaker 3 (26:18):
It made affirmation. It's a huge difference. Huge.
Speaker 1 (26:21):
But you say low vibe thoughts are addictive? How are
they addictive? And why why do we want to have
these low vibrations? Why do we want to be in
a negative cycle or a negative thought pattern? Why do
we why do we get addicted to that that sounds
so awful?
Speaker 3 (26:38):
Why would we choose that?
Speaker 4 (26:39):
Well, some of it is that if I, if I
project out, I don't have to feel what's inside. Wow,
And so you know that it's their fault, that it's
not mine or or even or even like it's you know,
if it's my fault, like or I did this, you
know I'm at fault. Then that's another form of a
judgment or attack. Then we don't have to feel the pain.
(27:01):
So so these attack thoughts of fear and separation and
just just personal attack or external attack make it so
that we don't have to feel the suffering, and so
the fear becomes an addiction. The same way, if I
pick up that drink, I don't have to feel the suffering.
It's the exact same thing. If I focus on the worrying,
I don't have to feel the deeper suffering. If I
(27:23):
run from this problem, I don't have to feel the
deeper suffering if I override myself with you know, work
or attacking others or judgment. I wrote a hope book
called Judgment Detox. That book does not get enough light.
Speaker 3 (27:34):
I should come back. I should do a relaunch of
that one.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Send me one please exactly.
Speaker 3 (27:38):
Well, I'm sending you guys all because negative thoughts.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
How many people just have negative thoughts going on like
in a circle and repeat in your mind and like
why but that makes so much sense.
Speaker 4 (27:50):
Yeah, they're protection mechanisms, and it's interesting. I had a
big quantum shift recently. I guess not such a quantum SHIFTCAU.
I've been working on it for twenty years, but I
had a shift recently where I was thinking about these
this you know, this storyline of like if I don't
do it, nobody else will, and I just by the universe,
but by by chance, had you know, two and a
(28:10):
half week tour in Australia, and then I was away
for five more days in Hawaii. So I's gone for
three weeks and I then was here with you guys
today and it's impress And so I haven't had my
team calls with my team who are the you know,
who are the ones that I often will unfortunately, you know,
reap the benefits of me not believing that if I
don't do it, nobody else will do it. That can
show up a lot at work, right, And so I
(28:31):
haven't been on the calls of them for three weeks.
And I was listening to Wayne Dyer as I was
driving into the city and he was talking about how
the empowered leader is the one that just sits back
and listens and observes and isn't trying to make things
be a certain way, and I was like, wow, like
maybe maybe this was the universe hooking me up. But
(28:52):
being away for three weeks and just letting them do
their jobs and letting people just show up and even
letting other people leave the team rather than even me
leading the team, right, And I think it. You know,
for anyone that's a business owner, they're gonna beay, whoa, whoa, Wow,
that's too crazy. But there's something magical that I think
is happening by just sort of taking my hands off
(29:13):
the wheel, and that's as it's allowing me to sort
of create a news story, which is not always the
easiest thing.
Speaker 3 (29:21):
But it's a long time coming. I've been working on
this part of myself for a long time. So here
it is. Now I'm getting some healing.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
How do we So do you have I know you
have tools, So what are your tools? When you have
and you see yourself I'd say spiraling or you feel
yourself spiraling or you're thinking worst case scenario, or this
is never gonna work out, or this can never happen,
or why am I so stupid even to believe this
could happen? How do when you find yourself and you
finally have that recognition what am I doing?
Speaker 3 (29:50):
How do you stop it?
Speaker 1 (29:50):
How do you heal yourself? How do you find your
way out of that?
Speaker 4 (29:54):
Okay, well, we can use the four step check in
so The first step would be to notice I'm in
a negative thought belief sensation this does it feel good?
I have enough awareness of that stimulus which is the
trigger and my desire to respond and react right, So
I have awareness of that, or I'm in the pattern,
or I'm after the pattern or whatever it is, wherever
you are.
Speaker 3 (30:13):
In the loop and you can catch it.
Speaker 4 (30:16):
So the first step is to notice and say I'm
gonna choose to check in instead of check out. That's
step one. The second step is just gentle curiosity, just
turning your attention inward like we did with TJ, and
just asking you know where do I feel it in
my body?
Speaker 3 (30:29):
What do I know about it?
Speaker 4 (30:30):
Are there any thoughts or feelings that want to come forward?
The third step once you have a little connection, the
third step is to compassionately connect and just ask the
part of you that's activated, what do you need, remembering
this is just a young little part of you that's
acting up. And then the fourth step is to check
for self. So check for those ce qualities. Do I
feel more calm? Do I feel connected to this part
(30:52):
of myself? Do I feel curious about it? Do I
feel creative? Do I feel compassionate, courage. Notice those sea
qualities and those four steps are broken down to the
book a million times, but they're also right here. You
can just start start checking in instead of checking out,
and it's.
Speaker 3 (31:07):
And it if the more.
Speaker 4 (31:09):
If you do that one minute a day, four steps,
you'll change your life.
Speaker 2 (31:13):
What period, Well, by the time you get to step four,
where you're checking in to see if you feel calm
and connected, if you don't say yes to those questions,
should you repeat right, by the time you get to
step forward, you should be feeling one of those.
Speaker 3 (31:27):
There's no shoulds.
Speaker 4 (31:27):
If you're not feeling it yet, you could know that
you did it because you did the process and that
process is a compassionate process, and that process is a
curious process. So even if you're not feeling a shift inside, yes,
you could do it again. You could journal with it.
You could do those four steps journaling. So again, it's
choose to check in curiosity, compassion, so asking what do
you need and then checking in to see the shift inside.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
And there's so much more to come here on the
Amy and TJ podcast. Stay tuned for part two of
our conversation with self help guru Gabby Bernstein. But in
the meantime help you all a wonderful day.
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