November 12, 2024 • 37 mins
Disclaimer: Please note this episode contains themes and conversations about sex.
In this week’s episode of Señora Sex Ed, Diosa and Mala sit down with Gaby Rivera and Anayvette Martinez.
Gabby Rivera is a graphic novelist and author. Anayvette is the co-founder of the Radical Monarchs. Together, they share how they’ve created their own relationship rules, where love is expansive, family is chosen and honesty is key.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Amiga, my daughter is in a lesbian relationship. I worry
she'll never give menos.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Don't worry about that. There's a lot of different ways
for lesbianas to have kids these.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Days, Oh lesbianas.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Or see.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
Senora, Yora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Hi Senora,
Welcome to Senora.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Sex Ed Senora sex Said is not your mommy's sex talk.
This show is la platica like you've never heard it before.
With each episode, we're breaking the stigma and silence around
sex and sexuality in LATINX communities.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Latinas have been hyper sexualized in popular culture, but notoriously
denied sex education. This podcast is an intergenerational conv between
Latinas from gen X to gen Z, covering everything from
puberty and body image to representation in film, television, and music.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
In this show, a Senora is a woman with a
lot of life experiences and stories to share. Maybe she's
in her thirties, her forties, her fifties or older. Maybe
she's trans, maybe she's sis.
Speaker 4 (01:23):
Chapter thirteen Puntos.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Today's episode is not like our usual episode structure, where
we ask our guests about their intro to sex Ed
and how that shaped their views of sex and their
own sexuality. Instead, we discuss how our guests Anna Yvette
Martinez and Gaby Rivera created their own relationship model and
(01:49):
why that's so meaningful to them and the broader queer community.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Gabri Rivera is a graphic novelist, podcast host, and author
of the critically acclaimed novel Juliette Takes a Breath. Anna
Yvette is a queer mother of color and co founder
of the Radical Monarchs and So.
Speaker 5 (02:10):
In twenty eighteen, I was coming out of an almost
twenty year relationship, and so I was not looking for love,
and I was actually like, I am done. I am
done with relationships. I only want to have lovers like
short term situation.
Speaker 6 (02:27):
I'm done. And I took the entire year afterwards to
really just heal and grieve and just permit.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
That's Anna Yvette. She re entered the dating scene after
ending a nearly twenty year relationship. When she was ready
to dip her toes in, she noticed one big change.
Speaker 5 (02:49):
Everyone's doing apps. I was like, I don't know if
apps are for me. I tried it for two weeks,
Like I was like, like need highly encouraged my friend
to try it, and I like freaked out. Like the
minute it would get we would I would start talking
with someone. In a minute it would get to meeting up,
I would just ghost. I would just be like, I
(03:09):
can't do this well.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Scrolling through Instagram, Anna Yvette received a direct message from
Gaby Rivera, a mutual follower who every now and then
would respond to her stories. Gaby was on a book
tour and invited Annaivette to a reading.
Speaker 5 (03:24):
And so I went to her book reading and I
was like five minutes late, and she was like already
reading her book and I walk in and she like
looks up from her book and she's, oh, you came
in front of everyone, and everyone like turned around.
Speaker 6 (03:46):
Like it was just like out of a movie. And
then of course she was like, oh, this is like
a barbecue. It's like your cousin's rolling up, blah bla
la la lad. I was like, okay, good save cup,
saying I see you. I was like, I'm not excited
when you saw me walk in this door.
Speaker 5 (04:02):
And then it was the first time I had ever
really met her in person and seen her and as
she was doing her thing, I was like, oh, she's cute,
Like she's cute, and so I texted our mutual prejudice
and knew that we had this sweet print and I
was like, Hey, I'm at Gabby's book reading. She's hella
cute and she's single. And our friend was like, hell, yes, yeah,
(04:28):
she is single.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
This is how Gabby remembers Anna Yvette's arrival to the
book event.
Speaker 4 (04:35):
I gotta say, like, when Annievette walked into the room,
it was like in the Wizard of Oz when glenn'sa
the good Witch like rolls through the scene and it's
like this pink, sparkly bubble of like beautiful magic, and
it literally stopped me in my track. She had this
(04:56):
beautiful dress on. I don't know, it was just this
moment out of of a movie, like even in West
Side Story when Tony first sees Maria and the dance floor,
like everything blurs and then she gets on the line
and is like.
Speaker 7 (05:12):
Flirting with me and this really like fem way.
Speaker 4 (05:17):
That just felt very like retro but like chic and
sexy but very like playful and also like she was
not even breaking a sweat doing this right, Like it
was just like her effervescence and let me tell you,
I didn't even know what.
Speaker 7 (05:34):
To do with that.
Speaker 4 (05:34):
I should have ran with that. I should have asked
her out in that moment, but I could not. It
was like two weeks later, I'm out with that friend.
That friend is like, did you ask her out? And
I was like, this grew up. My friend was like
and it made me in that moment ask her out
and via Instagram and I did.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
We hope you're enjoying this conversation.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Stay tuned.
Speaker 4 (05:58):
There's more to.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Come and we're back. We hope you enjoyed the break
and are ready to listen to the rest. Gabby regrets
not asking her out in that moment, but she later
asked an Evett out via direct message on Instagram.
Speaker 4 (06:17):
And she was like, yes, we have three dates and
then we planned another day.
Speaker 7 (06:21):
And now mind you, I'm on.
Speaker 4 (06:22):
Tour for Juliet Takes a Breath. So Penguin Random House
sent me, like to all these different cities, all these
different places, like interviews, all these things. She was on
a tour for the documentary.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Both Gabby and Annivette were in busy seasons of their
professional and creative lives, but Annaivette was also mothering two teenagers.
Her schedule was pre planned and her time was limited.
Speaker 4 (06:49):
So we have this date that I think is for Thursday.
So she texts me on Monday like I'm excited for
the date and I'm like, oh, yes, you Thursday, and
she's like, oh no, Like I am single, queer mother
of color, I have rallied for childcare. I have scheduled
this in my Capricorn sagittary scorpio color coded planner, Like
(07:15):
you need to really like rethink your you need to
respect that this is my time and I can't just
like reschedule, And I was like, oh man.
Speaker 7 (07:28):
And in that moment, it was like.
Speaker 4 (07:32):
I was scared of being vulnerable about the type of
person that I am, Like I mix things up, I
get my numbers confused, I'm easily scattered.
Speaker 7 (07:43):
I think I have ADHD.
Speaker 4 (07:45):
I'm scared of letting any of that out. And also
this is a woman with wonderful, like rightfully high standards,
and so rather than be vulnerable and try I stir back,
I was since gonna say something like Okay, see you
in the new year.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
The beginning of their love story was a slow burn,
and then the COVID nineteen pandemic hit and both of
their lives, their busy schedules drastically changed.
Speaker 5 (08:17):
And so all of a sudden, we were both in
town at the same time for a long period of time,
and I was like, hey, I actually have a complete, clear,
like schedule right now, and so we started to hang
out more because things were getting started to get canceled,
and then it was just like over I feel like
(08:38):
everything shut down, everything slowed down, and suddenly it was
just like I was able to fall into like slow
motion love with her. And we have always said, I
don't think if it wasn't for the pandemic, I don't
know if it would have turned out that way. I
think that we both had such busy, fool lives that
we needed the universe.
Speaker 6 (09:00):
She just needed to shut down.
Speaker 5 (09:01):
For us to really be able to spend that beautiful
time with each other and fall in love with each other.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Due to the COVID nineteen restrictions, both Annayvette and Gabby
were creative about how they'd spend time together.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
She would do masked drop offs of the one taco
stand that was still open right everyone six feet space
and I would do care package drop offs and we
would wash it from It was still very much in
line with like, oh my god, this is a pandemic,
and even our first kiss, like our first sleepover ad
like quarantined for fourteen days before.
Speaker 7 (09:41):
And fourteen days after. It was like the wildest.
Speaker 4 (09:44):
Thing to be falling in love during that like peak,
like terrifying beginning of the pandemic, and like we had
to in that moment. We learned so much about how
each other responds to crisis, how we respond to stress,
like how we follow these rules given to us. It's
(10:06):
not like I found out she was like an anti
vaxxer or something like that. So many of these things
under pressure fell into alignment. And yeah, we definitely it
was like a slow burn, but man, it was like
a really strong foundation that was built in that time.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Gabby always knew she wanted to be a mother, but
she also just started a new relationship. How would Annaivatt
respond to Gabby's desire to become a mother.
Speaker 7 (10:34):
I wanted to have a baby.
Speaker 4 (10:35):
I've always wanted to be a parent. I've always wanted
to be a mom. I've always had that soft spot
for kids and babies and toddlers, And for a long
time I tied that to a relationship, and then at
a certain point in my like mid to late thirties,
I was like, oh, I do not need to do
that with a partner. I have so much love in
my life. I have for the first time like stability.
(10:58):
I am making my way in this world.
Speaker 7 (11:00):
I can do this.
Speaker 4 (11:01):
And so in Puerto Rico, when I found where my
grandmother's homeland was, I was like, Okay, we are going
to have this baby.
Speaker 7 (11:07):
I'm going to have this baby.
Speaker 4 (11:09):
And when I came back, that's one of the big
conversations we had.
Speaker 7 (11:12):
We had it at the lake Lake Merritt.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
There's like this beautiful like garden with all sorts of
cactus and I don't know, like violence and just all
sorts of beautiful, like they have a Bonzi tree section.
Me and her went on a date to this garden
and I was like, Yo, if we're going to date,
I gotta tell you.
Speaker 7 (11:33):
I'm going to be a parent.
Speaker 4 (11:35):
I want to have a baby. I'm going to be
a parent. I want to start again. I think it
was like right before the pandemic. So I was like,
I want to start this year. That was my plan,
and she was like oh. She was like ooh, I
have two teenagers. I'm almost like the parent door. The
exit sign is right there.
Speaker 7 (11:55):
I'm so close.
Speaker 4 (11:56):
I do not want to start over. And I was like,
I don't want. I know. I'm not looking or fishing
for you to be a co mother. I'm just telling
you that if we are to continue this love partnership,
that at a certain point, this is going to be
my trajectory.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Annaivette sat and processed Gabby's wish to be a mother,
should she still pursue a relationship with her.
Speaker 5 (12:21):
When she first shared that with me, I think that
I was just oh, wow, okay sharing with me that
this is like her dream, this is her wish, this
is what she wants for herself.
Speaker 6 (12:33):
I can't just be like, oh bye, that's crazy.
Speaker 5 (12:36):
I knew that I wanted to support her in that,
and I also waited to have my own reaction afterwards
when I was like processing what she just told me,
and I was just like, oh, I don't think this
is going to work.
Speaker 6 (12:48):
I don't think I should continue dating this person.
Speaker 5 (12:51):
And then I just sat with it and I was like,
she's not asking me for anything. She's not saying I
don't want to raise a baby with someone, and I
was let's just see, just see she's she this is
her wish, this is her desire, this is her hope.
But who knows if it's even gonna happen, So let's
just see where this goes. And because it was a pandemic,
she did end up putting it on hold because things
(13:11):
were so scary, right and so she was like, the
last thing I want to do right now is get
pregnant and have a baby when hospitals are like overcrowded,
et cetera. And so there was definitely, you know, a delay,
and things got quiet on the baby front for a while,
and then I don't know what was a baby like
a year later or a year and a half later.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Gabby viewed motherhood as a revolutionary act. Would she let
the current state of the world stop her from becoming
a mother?
Speaker 4 (13:41):
The world has always been in some sort of chaos
and some sort of rebellion. There's always there's a volcano
about to erupt somewhere, and so how are you gonna
wait for the perfect time to have a baby? And
during the whole entirety of the pandemic, how many hundreds
of thousands of babies were born you know what I mean.
Speaker 7 (13:59):
It's like, how do you want.
Speaker 4 (14:02):
To bring joy into the world? How are you going
to fulfill that destiny and make that choice? And I
felt okay, I feel held, I feel supported and step
at a time, have it again.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
We'll be taking a quick break. Don't miss us.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
Thanks for sticking around.
Speaker 6 (14:23):
We are back.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
Annivett's support never faltered. She even self identifies as a
femme baby daddy.
Speaker 5 (14:30):
A year and a half later, she was like, I
really want to have this baby, and I was just okay,
then I'm going to do whatever I can to support
you and having a baby.
Speaker 6 (14:43):
I knocked her up.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
The decision to have a baby was made. Next up
a search for the right sperm donor listening.
Speaker 4 (14:53):
Finding a donor is not easy if you are someone
that has sperm and you are listening to and you
feel in your heart any sort of tenderness, see if
you can donate some of that sperm, because it is
hard to come by, especially if you're like someone who
has a marginalized identity queer person of color like I
specifically was.
Speaker 7 (15:13):
Like, man, I just wish I could.
Speaker 4 (15:15):
I wanted to have a Puerto Rican baby, right like
looking for Puerto Rican sperm, which sounds.
Speaker 7 (15:19):
So wild to say it out loud.
Speaker 4 (15:23):
And then I was like, let me like, let go
of that a little bit. And I went through the
open sources where you can sign up from a message
board and there are random men or that are like, hey,
I'm down, I've got this many kids. I paid for
subscriptions to like Cryo and like sperm banks, to Seattle
Sperm Bank, and would like look at profiles and then okay,
(15:47):
And then there were some of my friends whose boyfriends
were like, I would be down to do that.
Speaker 7 (15:52):
But then like circumstances happened.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Eventually Gabby does find a sperm donor, but not from
a person either, and.
Speaker 4 (16:01):
So basically, at one point I had two donors. One
was an old friend from my New York City days,
queer black man, who was like, totally on board.
Speaker 7 (16:11):
We would have made a beautiful baby.
Speaker 4 (16:13):
And then before I even was on my baby journey,
I was doing this like random podcast in the Bay Area,
like for the first time before I even moved out here,
and it was like about comic books. And then the
person's roommate came out of the door and I looked
at him and I was like I'm gonna have a
baby with.
Speaker 7 (16:32):
You one day, and he was like okay. And so
then flashed forward to many years later.
Speaker 4 (16:40):
I tapped him on Instagram and he's, oh, my god,
I just moved back to the Bay Area. And so
there are the two donors.
Speaker 7 (16:48):
We're moving with ease, see if the other donor.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Is available, and they were Anayvette played a crucial role
in Gabby's insemination process.
Speaker 7 (16:58):
And it happened like that. We had this beautiful hotel room.
Speaker 4 (17:01):
I found a dula no, a midwife in the Bay
that was going to be around, and so We're at
this beautiful hotel and I've got like a red robe,
silky robom with like cranes on it, like I'm the
karate kid or something like that, like trying to get
knocked up.
Speaker 7 (17:17):
And the donor came with their partner and they.
Speaker 4 (17:21):
Like produced the specimen and then they leave and it's
very I felt like I was in a play or something.
They leave and then like the doulah midwife is like
putting the specimen in this special circular machine to get
all the right pieces of it, and I'm like laid
on the bed on't even it is lighting candles, she's
humming a chant.
Speaker 7 (17:42):
Really, just.
Speaker 6 (17:46):
Let the record show.
Speaker 5 (17:47):
I was not chancy that I was lighting candles and
I had made an altar and the dula was so wonderful,
and Gabby was like all set up.
Speaker 6 (17:59):
And she do you want to do the honors? And
I was like, hey, yes, please had me that's range
and we did it. We did it, and it was
one and fucking done. I knew it. I knew that
she was.
Speaker 7 (18:15):
I was like, she still feel like but it feels different.
Speaker 6 (18:21):
And it was like, yeah, it was a really fun night.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Neither Annayvette nor Gabby had expectations about the insemination process,
the pregnancy, or labor. It all flowed naturally for the
both of them.
Speaker 7 (18:37):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (18:37):
Then the next day, y'all, this isn't telling you. This
is why she is like the love of my life.
The next day she took me on a carousel ride
in San Francisco and took me out, fed me and
was just like we had this like celebration, no matter.
We didn't know yet, because you know, you can't know
that first twenty four hours, but it was like such
a beautiful celebration and she was just giving all this
(18:59):
love and care and none of it was expected. There
was no time in our conversation where I was like,
I need you to be the one was like, how
do you want to participate in this? What feels right
to you? Like always a conversation about like expectation and
labor that is going to be lovingly offered.
Speaker 6 (19:22):
Then baby daddy sharpshooter over here.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
Gabby does eventually get pregnant and have a baby. During
the first two years, Gabby and Annayvette had to decide
what caregiving was going to look like, what would their
relationship look like.
Speaker 5 (19:37):
When Gabby first had her baby, we still had our
own separate homes and that was really important to us
at a certain point in our relationship. I guess after
the first two years, I decided to move out of
the Bay Area for the first time. Even though I'm
like born and raised, I needed more space. I had
two kids who were like trapped in an apartment during
(19:58):
the pandemic. So I bought a house out here in
northern California. And then she was like, I'm gonna buy
a house too, because I don't want to do long distance.
Speaker 6 (20:06):
So she bought a house ten minutes away from me,
and we were like living the dream because low key.
Speaker 5 (20:13):
High key, I've like always wanted, like I like having
my own space, like the Freda Diego, like the two houses,
the bridge. That has always been my dreams always and
I've never found a partner that doesn't find that offensive.
Speaker 6 (20:25):
And Gabby was like, yeah, I want my own house too.
I don't want to live together either.
Speaker 5 (20:30):
And so we had our own houses and that was
really important and really beautiful for us. And so when
she first had the baby, she was living in her
house and I had my own homes, and I think
that really set the foundation for the conversations that we
had about this is really like her motherhood and baby experience,
(20:51):
Like she is the leading parent with this baby, like
I am full support, but I just needed to not
I could not have the responsibility of raising a whole
other child. I'm like exhausted. I've been doing it for
twenty years. I was a young parent, and I'm just tired.
(21:12):
I've done it all. And so I think that first
year of her living with us, living separately, her having
the baby in her home, I think was really helpful
for us.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
The two are now living together, still maintaining parenting boundaries,
but also supporting each other and showing up for their
respective families.
Speaker 6 (21:33):
We are now how many monds we've been living together? Okay,
we recently moved in together. Yeah, we recently been together.
Speaker 5 (21:40):
So we're now nesting partners, and we have the baby
living with us, and we have Diego, the teenager living
with us.
Speaker 6 (21:48):
And I think that it works really well.
Speaker 5 (21:51):
I think that it's very clear that like she leads
with the baby, Ali with Diego. That doesn't mean that
I don't jump in and she to diaper or feed
the baby or pick the baby sometimes. It doesn't mean
that she doesn't cook for Diego or pick adiggle from
like soccer practice.
Speaker 6 (22:08):
Like we jump in when we are needed.
Speaker 5 (22:10):
But when it comes to who is the lead parent
in figuring out what school are they going to go to?
Speaker 6 (22:15):
What do they need's, there's very distinct there's very distinct
lanes for those types of things.
Speaker 4 (22:20):
I am very much like our boundaries are really good
and really strong, Like I am logistical day to day,
like point person with my baby, like bathtime, nighttime.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Gabby was also mindful of not putting gender expectations and
roles on her femme partner.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
A lot of people be like, oh, she's a woman, right,
she's a Latino woman.
Speaker 7 (22:44):
Especially. They love kids.
Speaker 4 (22:46):
They have hundreds of kids, and it's no we talked
about these boundaries, and so in order for us to
live well together, I know that this is the labor
I am taking on.
Speaker 7 (22:55):
This is my love, this is my baby.
Speaker 4 (22:57):
And the way that it comes to together is like
when anive is like cooking the meal and we all
eat together, and when we do little family trips to
the river and stuff, and we can all enjoy each other. Right,
And for a long time in my life, I did
want to be part of a family. I wanted my
own family for so long. I feel like I never
really saw like butcher looking people in families.
Speaker 5 (23:20):
Right.
Speaker 7 (23:21):
Mostly folks are like cast out.
Speaker 4 (23:23):
They look at you like you're the last person that
should ever be near a kid, the last person that
should ever be allowed to get married or whatever. And
so this feels like such a beautiful time in my life,
such a beautiful transition where I get to experience being
a support parent for a teenager and for Lupita who's
(23:45):
in her twenties, but she was a teenager when I
met her. And it's a really beautiful balance.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
It's very obvious that the wonderful life that they've created
together was made possible by having intentional conversations, healthy boundaries,
and respecting each other's freedom.
Speaker 4 (24:03):
And it feels really good and I feel your love
and support like at every turn, but again, like intentional conversation,
and we definitely have had to navigate like a lot
of things together. I spent a lot of merging of
how do we honor the fact that Anievette was in
a relationship for twenty years and needs like independence and
needs to feel free and needs to not feel like
(24:26):
shadackle to some idea of like family that is based
on like stereotypes or tradition, and make sure that we
both feel like we're building something new.
Speaker 5 (24:34):
I think that I just love that we created like
something that just works for us. That there is no
like prototype, There is no set roadmap for what it
looks like to find love again in your like forties,
or start being a parent in your forties, or coming
(24:58):
out of a long term relationship. And I think that
I love that we just created something new and to
like not care what people thought that were like, oh, yeah,
we live separately, like we are together, but we live
separately and we had a baby together and now.
Speaker 6 (25:13):
We live together, but we still have very clear lanes.
Speaker 5 (25:17):
I think that is so powerful to add to the
canon of These are different ways that we can live,
These are different ways that we can love.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
Gabby describes how freeing and liberating being part of the
LGBTQ community can be for her and her partner.
Speaker 4 (25:32):
I think it's like a reclamation of family and queer energy.
Speaker 7 (25:39):
And like when I think about being.
Speaker 4 (25:42):
A part of the LGBTQ community, I always have the
folks that we have lost and on my spirit, and
I have all the kids and folks that are to
come that have yet to be born that will be
part of this kaleidoscope.
Speaker 7 (25:54):
Of a community, right.
Speaker 4 (25:56):
And I think that when two people find rooted love,
of honest love and can claim it on their terms
and what feels best to them and what uplifts them, right,
then that gives hope for everyone else to not be
afraid because love can be like it is like one
of the most scariest things, Like you give a piece
(26:18):
of yourself like holy and completely to somebody else, to
multiple other people, however you want to do it, and
you're saying, like I trust you to hold this, will
you walk with me? And I'm so thankful that Anevete,
like every day is choosing to.
Speaker 7 (26:33):
Walk with me.
Speaker 4 (26:34):
And I hope that people don't settle for less like
that was one of the big things for both of us,
was I have settled for less before. I have settled
for people that make me chase and give nothing.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
Gabby and Annaievette have showed us how they've defined family
and how they support each other. There's also an added layer.
Anna Vette is solo poly, which means she's the partner
in their relationship.
Speaker 5 (27:03):
I was like, I have always considered myself to be
like to be solo poly. I've always known that I
had the ability to be polyamorous. And so I was
I think that if she is able to ask for
this for herself, then I want to ask for this
for myself as well.
Speaker 6 (27:20):
And so I was boomed.
Speaker 5 (27:23):
Here's the baby card and I'm a follow up with
a polyamory.
Speaker 6 (27:30):
And so it was a lot.
Speaker 5 (27:32):
Because she considers herself a monogamous, she's never done polyamory.
Speaker 6 (27:37):
I have done polyamory before.
Speaker 5 (27:39):
And it was a it was it's a whole it
was a whole shift and it all happened while she
was pregnant, so there was a lot of tears, a
lot of conversations, and we moved into it again with
a lot of intention, a lot of open and honest conversation,
(28:00):
and it's been a beautiful walk. Santana is two years old,
which is our baby, and we've been practicing polyami for
two years as well.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
When Annaivette and Gabby explored polyamory in their relationship, Gabby
was already pregnant and they sought the support of a
therapist they could figure out how it was like the
wildest emotional thing I have ever done in my life.
Speaker 4 (28:28):
I am already a crier, and so when I was pregnant,
I cried like on a thousand like literally like like
crying because my cart didn't have enough gas in it,
just being like I try so hard to do everything right,
like just crying. And so when we were navigating polyamory
(28:50):
and she would it was going on dates, it was
like really emotional, and I am so thankful that we
had we reached out for help because it was a
lot for me to as a monogamous person. So again
pregnant monogamous, because before I was I think a little
more open to it, and then there's this whole other
(29:10):
level of emotions. We started working with this poly couple
called Baron Fefi, and they were giving us like sessions.
We had individual sessions. In my heart of hearts, I
know that we deserve to create the like relationship algorithms
that work for us.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
Gabby also knew she didn't want to do polyamory just
to make Anaevet happy. She had to deepen her understanding
of love and relationships.
Speaker 4 (29:40):
So if I'm going to do polyamory, it cannot be
just to keep the girl right. It has to be
something deeper for me. And so I found that in
being like no, I want to expand. I want to
expand and understand, like, beyond monogamy, beyond my negative understandings
(30:00):
of polyamory. There is so much room for me to grow,
and I must grow. I want to love her and
I feel rooted here and I want to push myself
to learn and understand what this means and what this
means to her and how I can better YO. In
polyamory therapy, I learned how to communicate. I was able
(30:23):
to take my Puerto Rican like loud boy energy and
realize that is not the way, That is not the vibe,
like where can we find space?
Speaker 7 (30:33):
So much y'all?
Speaker 4 (30:34):
And Bonnivette was also coming at it from a really
honest place too. Now, oh, I just want to mess around.
She was like, Yo, I'm committed to you, I'm committed
to us. I do not want anything to disrupt our peace.
And I am polyamorous, and I'm going to show you how,
like we can trust each other along the way, like
(30:57):
partners are chosen that don't cause chaos. There's coming and
it's not this constant revolving door.
Speaker 7 (31:03):
It is very.
Speaker 4 (31:03):
Intentional and we preserve our piece above everything.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
Ana Ivatda approaches polyamory and dating with lots of intention
and honesty.
Speaker 5 (31:13):
That was very clear and what I was looking for
and polyamory and so what I was looking for and
polyamor was like non escalating romantic connection. I wasn't interested
in having a second or a third like I had.
I was very clear that g was my root partner.
We call each other our root partners. We don't like
anchor partners or primary partners.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
It also came with challenges, especially for Gabby as a
queer mask presenting person, she had some internal work to do.
Speaker 6 (31:46):
Now.
Speaker 4 (31:46):
I also want to add there are some entry points
right that are like more rooted, more easy to connect
to than others. So there were moments where I'm like, yo,
if as a queer masculine presenting person, I am dating
a high fem and I want to like worship fems
forever and like boost uplift. Who am I to stand
(32:08):
in the way of like her connecting with a fem
person on that level? That is something that I cannot
like no matter how much we love each other, that
is not the energy that we bring to each other.
Speaker 7 (32:20):
So and not in some weird way, I never participate.
Speaker 4 (32:22):
I'm not into that, like not to yuck anyone's young,
but that's not I'm hers. I don't need I'm not
looking for nothing else. And so there are points where
I was like, okay, I.
Speaker 7 (32:31):
Can get behind that.
Speaker 4 (32:32):
I understand that. And then it was a little more
difficult sometimes when the folks were mask presenting right where
I was like, I felt more in competition and I
felt more of my ego come up. And then that
was stuff that I had to like work through and
also Anivett would take into consideration like oh, this activates
her more than other things. I'm gonna let her work
(32:53):
on that activation. She needs to sit with that, But
I'm gonna be here and we can hold hands and
I'll make her like a cookies stuf and will work
through it together.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
But Gabby and Anna Yvette are open about their relationship
dynamics with their friends and their online community, But how
about with their families. Here's Anna Yvette.
Speaker 5 (33:13):
It has been healing for my mom to see the
kind of life that I have built for myself, because
she wasn't able to make these kinds of decisions right.
She stayed in a relationship with my father for far
too long, right and really shrunk herself. And I think
that although my mom, I think initially my previous relationship
(33:34):
was very much you got to make it work, you
got to make it work, at a certain point she
was like, you've done enough. Like you've done enough, and
it is okay for you to like finally choose yourself.
Speaker 6 (33:45):
And I think that her seeing the way that me
and g.
Speaker 5 (33:49):
Have built our lives together and our love together, I
think has been really healing for her to be able
to see.
Speaker 6 (33:56):
So Lita loves it.
Speaker 5 (33:58):
She loves like gee she loves the way we had
the baby. She loves the way we have are like lanes, and.
Speaker 6 (34:07):
The movie's constructed like our own version of weir expansive love.
So I feel really blessed to have her support.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
Gabby shares a few reasons she keeps their relationship dynamics private.
Speaker 7 (34:19):
Their elements that is.
Speaker 4 (34:20):
And so my family's so happy that I am loved
in this way and that I get to love, and
that they're over the moon about the baby and they
love the our teenagers, right. And then there's pieces that
are like for me, just mine. I don't mind telling
you guys about and talking here about the polyamory stuff,
but that isn't something that I necessarily bring home to
(34:41):
my parents because that is in a lot of ways
like none of their business. And also it's like just
this other level that I'm like, I'm not ashamed of it,
and I also don't want to have to explain it
because it works for us. And I have some folks
close to me be like, oh, that's a cult.
Speaker 7 (35:06):
She's got you where she wants you. I want all
the queers to know that this is possible.
Speaker 4 (35:11):
So yeah, so.
Speaker 8 (35:12):
It's interesting, and I think I also feel protective Aboutnivette
because I don't want anyone to even for a second
imagine that she loves me any less or that she
is any less of the partner of my dreams, and
I wouldn't like, yeah that, So there's a lot.
Speaker 7 (35:30):
Of nuance in that element.
Speaker 4 (35:33):
But I know overall that like everyone is so like
in love with how we love each other and this
family that we have created, and yeah, this is I
know that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be in
this world, like walking right next to you.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
Anna Yvette takes inspiration from one of her mom's favorite vichos.
Speaker 6 (35:57):
My mom says, she says one of hers that she
likes to say, and I feel like that's how we are, Like.
Speaker 5 (36:05):
Like we have our own independence, we have our own individuality,
we have our own lives, our own dreams, their own passions.
Speaker 6 (36:13):
But we are together, but we're not all mixed up
and like codependent with each other.
Speaker 1 (36:18):
What I learned from Gabby and Anna Yvette is that
you can truly have it all in your relationships when
you're with the right person, whether that be exploring polyamory
or creating a family on your own terms, it is
all possible with the love and support from the right person.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
Next time on Senora Sex Said, we interview Puerto Rican
actress Yvonne Cole.
Speaker 7 (36:42):
Was, you know, sixties to seventies, so free love.
Speaker 4 (36:46):
I did a lot of.
Speaker 9 (36:47):
That, had a lot of lovers, lots and lots and
lots of lovers, but I never married and as yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
Senora Sex S is a co production between Loca Tora
Productions and Michael Tura Podcast Network.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
This show is executive produced by Mala Munios and biosa Fem.
Speaker 1 (37:10):
Also executive produced by Giselle Fances.
Speaker 2 (37:14):
Produced by Stephanie Franco.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
Creative direction by Mala Munios, story editing by Biosafem, music
direction by Brissol Lomeli and
Speaker 2 (37:24):
Music produced by Brian Gazo
Amiga, my daughter is in a lesbian relationship. I worry
she'll never give menos.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Don't worry about that. There's a lot of different ways
for lesbianas to have kids these.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Days, Oh lesbianas.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Or see.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
Senora, Yora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Hi Senora,
Welcome to Senora.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Sex Ed Senora sex Said is not your mommy's sex talk.
This show is la platica like you've never heard it before.
With each episode, we're breaking the stigma and silence around
sex and sexuality in LATINX communities.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Latinas have been hyper sexualized in popular culture, but notoriously
denied sex education. This podcast is an intergenerational conv between
Latinas from gen X to gen Z, covering everything from
puberty and body image to representation in film, television, and music.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
In this show, a Senora is a woman with a
lot of life experiences and stories to share. Maybe she's
in her thirties, her forties, her fifties or older. Maybe
she's trans, maybe she's sis.
Speaker 4 (01:23):
Chapter thirteen Puntos.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Today's episode is not like our usual episode structure, where
we ask our guests about their intro to sex Ed
and how that shaped their views of sex and their
own sexuality. Instead, we discuss how our guests Anna Yvette
Martinez and Gaby Rivera created their own relationship model and
(01:49):
why that's so meaningful to them and the broader queer community.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Gabri Rivera is a graphic novelist, podcast host, and author
of the critically acclaimed novel Juliette Takes a Breath. Anna
Yvette is a queer mother of color and co founder
of the Radical Monarchs and So.
Speaker 5 (02:10):
In twenty eighteen, I was coming out of an almost
twenty year relationship, and so I was not looking for love,
and I was actually like, I am done. I am
done with relationships. I only want to have lovers like
short term situation.
Speaker 6 (02:27):
I'm done. And I took the entire year afterwards to
really just heal and grieve and just permit.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
That's Anna Yvette. She re entered the dating scene after
ending a nearly twenty year relationship. When she was ready
to dip her toes in, she noticed one big change.
Speaker 5 (02:49):
Everyone's doing apps. I was like, I don't know if
apps are for me. I tried it for two weeks,
Like I was like, like need highly encouraged my friend
to try it, and I like freaked out. Like the
minute it would get we would I would start talking
with someone. In a minute it would get to meeting up,
I would just ghost. I would just be like, I
(03:09):
can't do this well.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Scrolling through Instagram, Anna Yvette received a direct message from
Gaby Rivera, a mutual follower who every now and then
would respond to her stories. Gaby was on a book
tour and invited Annaivette to a reading.
Speaker 5 (03:24):
And so I went to her book reading and I
was like five minutes late, and she was like already
reading her book and I walk in and she like
looks up from her book and she's, oh, you came
in front of everyone, and everyone like turned around.
Speaker 6 (03:46):
Like it was just like out of a movie. And
then of course she was like, oh, this is like
a barbecue. It's like your cousin's rolling up, blah bla
la la lad. I was like, okay, good save cup,
saying I see you. I was like, I'm not excited
when you saw me walk in this door.
Speaker 5 (04:02):
And then it was the first time I had ever
really met her in person and seen her and as
she was doing her thing, I was like, oh, she's cute,
Like she's cute, and so I texted our mutual prejudice
and knew that we had this sweet print and I
was like, Hey, I'm at Gabby's book reading. She's hella
cute and she's single. And our friend was like, hell, yes, yeah,
(04:28):
she is single.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
This is how Gabby remembers Anna Yvette's arrival to the
book event.
Speaker 4 (04:35):
I gotta say, like, when Annievette walked into the room,
it was like in the Wizard of Oz when glenn'sa
the good Witch like rolls through the scene and it's
like this pink, sparkly bubble of like beautiful magic, and
it literally stopped me in my track. She had this
(04:56):
beautiful dress on. I don't know, it was just this
moment out of of a movie, like even in West
Side Story when Tony first sees Maria and the dance floor,
like everything blurs and then she gets on the line
and is like.
Speaker 7 (05:12):
Flirting with me and this really like fem way.
Speaker 4 (05:17):
That just felt very like retro but like chic and
sexy but very like playful and also like she was
not even breaking a sweat doing this right, Like it
was just like her effervescence and let me tell you,
I didn't even know what.
Speaker 7 (05:34):
To do with that.
Speaker 4 (05:34):
I should have ran with that. I should have asked
her out in that moment, but I could not. It
was like two weeks later, I'm out with that friend.
That friend is like, did you ask her out? And
I was like, this grew up. My friend was like
and it made me in that moment ask her out
and via Instagram and I did.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
We hope you're enjoying this conversation.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Stay tuned.
Speaker 4 (05:58):
There's more to.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Come and we're back. We hope you enjoyed the break
and are ready to listen to the rest. Gabby regrets
not asking her out in that moment, but she later
asked an Evett out via direct message on Instagram.
Speaker 4 (06:17):
And she was like, yes, we have three dates and
then we planned another day.
Speaker 7 (06:21):
And now mind you, I'm on.
Speaker 4 (06:22):
Tour for Juliet Takes a Breath. So Penguin Random House
sent me, like to all these different cities, all these
different places, like interviews, all these things. She was on
a tour for the documentary.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Both Gabby and Annivette were in busy seasons of their
professional and creative lives, but Annaivette was also mothering two teenagers.
Her schedule was pre planned and her time was limited.
Speaker 4 (06:49):
So we have this date that I think is for Thursday.
So she texts me on Monday like I'm excited for
the date and I'm like, oh, yes, you Thursday, and
she's like, oh no, Like I am single, queer mother
of color, I have rallied for childcare. I have scheduled
this in my Capricorn sagittary scorpio color coded planner, Like
(07:15):
you need to really like rethink your you need to
respect that this is my time and I can't just
like reschedule, And I was like, oh man.
Speaker 7 (07:28):
And in that moment, it was like.
Speaker 4 (07:32):
I was scared of being vulnerable about the type of
person that I am, Like I mix things up, I
get my numbers confused, I'm easily scattered.
Speaker 7 (07:43):
I think I have ADHD.
Speaker 4 (07:45):
I'm scared of letting any of that out. And also
this is a woman with wonderful, like rightfully high standards,
and so rather than be vulnerable and try I stir back,
I was since gonna say something like Okay, see you
in the new year.
Speaker 2 (08:06):
The beginning of their love story was a slow burn,
and then the COVID nineteen pandemic hit and both of
their lives, their busy schedules drastically changed.
Speaker 5 (08:17):
And so all of a sudden, we were both in
town at the same time for a long period of time,
and I was like, hey, I actually have a complete, clear,
like schedule right now, and so we started to hang
out more because things were getting started to get canceled,
and then it was just like over I feel like
(08:38):
everything shut down, everything slowed down, and suddenly it was
just like I was able to fall into like slow
motion love with her. And we have always said, I
don't think if it wasn't for the pandemic, I don't
know if it would have turned out that way. I
think that we both had such busy, fool lives that
we needed the universe.
Speaker 6 (09:00):
She just needed to shut down.
Speaker 5 (09:01):
For us to really be able to spend that beautiful
time with each other and fall in love with each other.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Due to the COVID nineteen restrictions, both Annayvette and Gabby
were creative about how they'd spend time together.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
She would do masked drop offs of the one taco
stand that was still open right everyone six feet space
and I would do care package drop offs and we
would wash it from It was still very much in
line with like, oh my god, this is a pandemic,
and even our first kiss, like our first sleepover ad
like quarantined for fourteen days before.
Speaker 7 (09:41):
And fourteen days after. It was like the wildest.
Speaker 4 (09:44):
Thing to be falling in love during that like peak,
like terrifying beginning of the pandemic, and like we had
to in that moment. We learned so much about how
each other responds to crisis, how we respond to stress,
like how we follow these rules given to us. It's
(10:06):
not like I found out she was like an anti
vaxxer or something like that. So many of these things
under pressure fell into alignment. And yeah, we definitely it
was like a slow burn, but man, it was like
a really strong foundation that was built in that time.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
Gabby always knew she wanted to be a mother, but
she also just started a new relationship. How would Annaivatt
respond to Gabby's desire to become a mother.
Speaker 7 (10:34):
I wanted to have a baby.
Speaker 4 (10:35):
I've always wanted to be a parent. I've always wanted
to be a mom. I've always had that soft spot
for kids and babies and toddlers, And for a long
time I tied that to a relationship, and then at
a certain point in my like mid to late thirties,
I was like, oh, I do not need to do
that with a partner. I have so much love in
my life. I have for the first time like stability.
(10:58):
I am making my way in this world.
Speaker 7 (11:00):
I can do this.
Speaker 4 (11:01):
And so in Puerto Rico, when I found where my
grandmother's homeland was, I was like, Okay, we are going
to have this baby.
Speaker 7 (11:07):
I'm going to have this baby.
Speaker 4 (11:09):
And when I came back, that's one of the big
conversations we had.
Speaker 7 (11:12):
We had it at the lake Lake Merritt.
Speaker 4 (11:15):
There's like this beautiful like garden with all sorts of
cactus and I don't know, like violence and just all
sorts of beautiful, like they have a Bonzi tree section.
Me and her went on a date to this garden
and I was like, Yo, if we're going to date,
I gotta tell you.
Speaker 7 (11:33):
I'm going to be a parent.
Speaker 4 (11:35):
I want to have a baby. I'm going to be
a parent. I want to start again. I think it
was like right before the pandemic. So I was like,
I want to start this year. That was my plan,
and she was like oh. She was like ooh, I
have two teenagers. I'm almost like the parent door. The
exit sign is right there.
Speaker 7 (11:55):
I'm so close.
Speaker 4 (11:56):
I do not want to start over. And I was like,
I don't want. I know. I'm not looking or fishing
for you to be a co mother. I'm just telling
you that if we are to continue this love partnership,
that at a certain point, this is going to be
my trajectory.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Annaivette sat and processed Gabby's wish to be a mother,
should she still pursue a relationship with her.
Speaker 5 (12:21):
When she first shared that with me, I think that
I was just oh, wow, okay sharing with me that
this is like her dream, this is her wish, this
is what she wants for herself.
Speaker 6 (12:33):
I can't just be like, oh bye, that's crazy.
Speaker 5 (12:36):
I knew that I wanted to support her in that,
and I also waited to have my own reaction afterwards
when I was like processing what she just told me,
and I was just like, oh, I don't think this
is going to work.
Speaker 6 (12:48):
I don't think I should continue dating this person.
Speaker 5 (12:51):
And then I just sat with it and I was like,
she's not asking me for anything. She's not saying I
don't want to raise a baby with someone, and I
was let's just see, just see she's she this is
her wish, this is her desire, this is her hope.
But who knows if it's even gonna happen, So let's
just see where this goes. And because it was a pandemic,
she did end up putting it on hold because things
(13:11):
were so scary, right and so she was like, the
last thing I want to do right now is get
pregnant and have a baby when hospitals are like overcrowded,
et cetera. And so there was definitely, you know, a delay,
and things got quiet on the baby front for a while,
and then I don't know what was a baby like
a year later or a year and a half later.
Speaker 2 (13:32):
Gabby viewed motherhood as a revolutionary act. Would she let
the current state of the world stop her from becoming
a mother?
Speaker 4 (13:41):
The world has always been in some sort of chaos
and some sort of rebellion. There's always there's a volcano
about to erupt somewhere, and so how are you gonna
wait for the perfect time to have a baby? And
during the whole entirety of the pandemic, how many hundreds
of thousands of babies were born you know what I mean.
Speaker 7 (13:59):
It's like, how do you want.
Speaker 4 (14:02):
To bring joy into the world? How are you going
to fulfill that destiny and make that choice? And I
felt okay, I feel held, I feel supported and step
at a time, have it again.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
We'll be taking a quick break. Don't miss us.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
Thanks for sticking around.
Speaker 6 (14:23):
We are back.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
Annivett's support never faltered. She even self identifies as a
femme baby daddy.
Speaker 5 (14:30):
A year and a half later, she was like, I
really want to have this baby, and I was just okay,
then I'm going to do whatever I can to support
you and having a baby.
Speaker 6 (14:43):
I knocked her up.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
The decision to have a baby was made. Next up
a search for the right sperm donor listening.
Speaker 4 (14:53):
Finding a donor is not easy if you are someone
that has sperm and you are listening to and you
feel in your heart any sort of tenderness, see if
you can donate some of that sperm, because it is
hard to come by, especially if you're like someone who
has a marginalized identity queer person of color like I
specifically was.
Speaker 7 (15:13):
Like, man, I just wish I could.
Speaker 4 (15:15):
I wanted to have a Puerto Rican baby, right like
looking for Puerto Rican sperm, which sounds.
Speaker 7 (15:19):
So wild to say it out loud.
Speaker 4 (15:23):
And then I was like, let me like, let go
of that a little bit. And I went through the
open sources where you can sign up from a message
board and there are random men or that are like, hey,
I'm down, I've got this many kids. I paid for
subscriptions to like Cryo and like sperm banks, to Seattle
Sperm Bank, and would like look at profiles and then okay,
(15:47):
And then there were some of my friends whose boyfriends
were like, I would be down to do that.
Speaker 7 (15:52):
But then like circumstances happened.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Eventually Gabby does find a sperm donor, but not from
a person either, and.
Speaker 4 (16:01):
So basically, at one point I had two donors. One
was an old friend from my New York City days,
queer black man, who was like, totally on board.
Speaker 7 (16:11):
We would have made a beautiful baby.
Speaker 4 (16:13):
And then before I even was on my baby journey,
I was doing this like random podcast in the Bay Area,
like for the first time before I even moved out here,
and it was like about comic books. And then the
person's roommate came out of the door and I looked
at him and I was like I'm gonna have a
baby with.
Speaker 7 (16:32):
You one day, and he was like okay. And so
then flashed forward to many years later.
Speaker 4 (16:40):
I tapped him on Instagram and he's, oh, my god,
I just moved back to the Bay Area. And so
there are the two donors.
Speaker 7 (16:48):
We're moving with ease, see if the other donor.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
Is available, and they were Anayvette played a crucial role
in Gabby's insemination process.
Speaker 7 (16:58):
And it happened like that. We had this beautiful hotel room.
Speaker 4 (17:01):
I found a dula no, a midwife in the Bay
that was going to be around, and so We're at
this beautiful hotel and I've got like a red robe,
silky robom with like cranes on it, like I'm the
karate kid or something like that, like trying to get
knocked up.
Speaker 7 (17:17):
And the donor came with their partner and they.
Speaker 4 (17:21):
Like produced the specimen and then they leave and it's
very I felt like I was in a play or something.
They leave and then like the doulah midwife is like
putting the specimen in this special circular machine to get
all the right pieces of it, and I'm like laid
on the bed on't even it is lighting candles, she's
humming a chant.
Speaker 7 (17:42):
Really, just.
Speaker 6 (17:46):
Let the record show.
Speaker 5 (17:47):
I was not chancy that I was lighting candles and
I had made an altar and the dula was so wonderful,
and Gabby was like all set up.
Speaker 6 (17:59):
And she do you want to do the honors? And
I was like, hey, yes, please had me that's range
and we did it. We did it, and it was
one and fucking done. I knew it. I knew that
she was.
Speaker 7 (18:15):
I was like, she still feel like but it feels different.
Speaker 6 (18:21):
And it was like, yeah, it was a really fun night.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Neither Annayvette nor Gabby had expectations about the insemination process,
the pregnancy, or labor. It all flowed naturally for the
both of them.
Speaker 7 (18:37):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (18:37):
Then the next day, y'all, this isn't telling you. This
is why she is like the love of my life.
The next day she took me on a carousel ride
in San Francisco and took me out, fed me and
was just like we had this like celebration, no matter.
We didn't know yet, because you know, you can't know
that first twenty four hours, but it was like such
a beautiful celebration and she was just giving all this
(18:59):
love and care and none of it was expected. There
was no time in our conversation where I was like,
I need you to be the one was like, how
do you want to participate in this? What feels right
to you? Like always a conversation about like expectation and
labor that is going to be lovingly offered.
Speaker 6 (19:22):
Then baby daddy sharpshooter over here.
Speaker 2 (19:26):
Gabby does eventually get pregnant and have a baby. During
the first two years, Gabby and Annayvette had to decide
what caregiving was going to look like, what would their
relationship look like.
Speaker 5 (19:37):
When Gabby first had her baby, we still had our
own separate homes and that was really important to us
at a certain point in our relationship. I guess after
the first two years, I decided to move out of
the Bay Area for the first time. Even though I'm
like born and raised, I needed more space. I had
two kids who were like trapped in an apartment during
(19:58):
the pandemic. So I bought a house out here in
northern California. And then she was like, I'm gonna buy
a house too, because I don't want to do long distance.
Speaker 6 (20:06):
So she bought a house ten minutes away from me,
and we were like living the dream because low key.
Speaker 5 (20:13):
High key, I've like always wanted, like I like having
my own space, like the Freda Diego, like the two houses,
the bridge. That has always been my dreams always and
I've never found a partner that doesn't find that offensive.
Speaker 6 (20:25):
And Gabby was like, yeah, I want my own house too.
I don't want to live together either.
Speaker 5 (20:30):
And so we had our own houses and that was
really important and really beautiful for us. And so when
she first had the baby, she was living in her
house and I had my own homes, and I think
that really set the foundation for the conversations that we
had about this is really like her motherhood and baby experience,
(20:51):
Like she is the leading parent with this baby, like
I am full support, but I just needed to not
I could not have the responsibility of raising a whole
other child. I'm like exhausted. I've been doing it for
twenty years. I was a young parent, and I'm just tired.
(21:12):
I've done it all. And so I think that first
year of her living with us, living separately, her having
the baby in her home, I think was really helpful
for us.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
The two are now living together, still maintaining parenting boundaries,
but also supporting each other and showing up for their
respective families.
Speaker 6 (21:33):
We are now how many monds we've been living together? Okay,
we recently moved in together. Yeah, we recently been together.
Speaker 5 (21:40):
So we're now nesting partners, and we have the baby
living with us, and we have Diego, the teenager living
with us.
Speaker 6 (21:48):
And I think that it works really well.
Speaker 5 (21:51):
I think that it's very clear that like she leads
with the baby, Ali with Diego. That doesn't mean that
I don't jump in and she to diaper or feed
the baby or pick the baby sometimes. It doesn't mean
that she doesn't cook for Diego or pick adiggle from
like soccer practice.
Speaker 6 (22:08):
Like we jump in when we are needed.
Speaker 5 (22:10):
But when it comes to who is the lead parent
in figuring out what school are they going to go to?
Speaker 6 (22:15):
What do they need's, there's very distinct there's very distinct
lanes for those types of things.
Speaker 4 (22:20):
I am very much like our boundaries are really good
and really strong, Like I am logistical day to day,
like point person with my baby, like bathtime, nighttime.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Gabby was also mindful of not putting gender expectations and
roles on her femme partner.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
A lot of people be like, oh, she's a woman, right,
she's a Latino woman.
Speaker 7 (22:44):
Especially. They love kids.
Speaker 4 (22:46):
They have hundreds of kids, and it's no we talked
about these boundaries, and so in order for us to
live well together, I know that this is the labor
I am taking on.
Speaker 7 (22:55):
This is my love, this is my baby.
Speaker 4 (22:57):
And the way that it comes to together is like
when anive is like cooking the meal and we all
eat together, and when we do little family trips to
the river and stuff, and we can all enjoy each other. Right,
And for a long time in my life, I did
want to be part of a family. I wanted my
own family for so long. I feel like I never
really saw like butcher looking people in families.
Speaker 5 (23:20):
Right.
Speaker 7 (23:21):
Mostly folks are like cast out.
Speaker 4 (23:23):
They look at you like you're the last person that
should ever be near a kid, the last person that
should ever be allowed to get married or whatever. And
so this feels like such a beautiful time in my life,
such a beautiful transition where I get to experience being
a support parent for a teenager and for Lupita who's
(23:45):
in her twenties, but she was a teenager when I
met her. And it's a really beautiful balance.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
It's very obvious that the wonderful life that they've created
together was made possible by having intentional conversations, healthy boundaries,
and respecting each other's freedom.
Speaker 4 (24:03):
And it feels really good and I feel your love
and support like at every turn, but again, like intentional conversation,
and we definitely have had to navigate like a lot
of things together. I spent a lot of merging of
how do we honor the fact that Anievette was in
a relationship for twenty years and needs like independence and
needs to feel free and needs to not feel like
(24:26):
shadackle to some idea of like family that is based
on like stereotypes or tradition, and make sure that we
both feel like we're building something new.
Speaker 5 (24:34):
I think that I just love that we created like
something that just works for us. That there is no
like prototype, There is no set roadmap for what it
looks like to find love again in your like forties,
or start being a parent in your forties, or coming
(24:58):
out of a long term relationship. And I think that
I love that we just created something new and to
like not care what people thought that were like, oh, yeah,
we live separately, like we are together, but we live
separately and we had a baby together and now.
Speaker 6 (25:13):
We live together, but we still have very clear lanes.
Speaker 5 (25:17):
I think that is so powerful to add to the
canon of These are different ways that we can live,
These are different ways that we can love.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
Gabby describes how freeing and liberating being part of the
LGBTQ community can be for her and her partner.
Speaker 4 (25:32):
I think it's like a reclamation of family and queer energy.
Speaker 7 (25:39):
And like when I think about being.
Speaker 4 (25:42):
A part of the LGBTQ community, I always have the
folks that we have lost and on my spirit, and
I have all the kids and folks that are to
come that have yet to be born that will be
part of this kaleidoscope.
Speaker 7 (25:54):
Of a community, right.
Speaker 4 (25:56):
And I think that when two people find rooted love,
of honest love and can claim it on their terms
and what feels best to them and what uplifts them, right,
then that gives hope for everyone else to not be
afraid because love can be like it is like one
of the most scariest things, Like you give a piece
(26:18):
of yourself like holy and completely to somebody else, to
multiple other people, however you want to do it, and
you're saying, like I trust you to hold this, will
you walk with me? And I'm so thankful that Anevete,
like every day is choosing to.
Speaker 7 (26:33):
Walk with me.
Speaker 4 (26:34):
And I hope that people don't settle for less like
that was one of the big things for both of us,
was I have settled for less before. I have settled
for people that make me chase and give nothing.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
Gabby and Annaievette have showed us how they've defined family
and how they support each other. There's also an added layer.
Anna Vette is solo poly, which means she's the partner
in their relationship.
Speaker 5 (27:03):
I was like, I have always considered myself to be
like to be solo poly. I've always known that I
had the ability to be polyamorous. And so I was
I think that if she is able to ask for
this for herself, then I want to ask for this
for myself as well.
Speaker 6 (27:20):
And so I was boomed.
Speaker 5 (27:23):
Here's the baby card and I'm a follow up with
a polyamory.
Speaker 6 (27:30):
And so it was a lot.
Speaker 5 (27:32):
Because she considers herself a monogamous, she's never done polyamory.
Speaker 6 (27:37):
I have done polyamory before.
Speaker 5 (27:39):
And it was a it was it's a whole it
was a whole shift and it all happened while she
was pregnant, so there was a lot of tears, a
lot of conversations, and we moved into it again with
a lot of intention, a lot of open and honest conversation,
(28:00):
and it's been a beautiful walk. Santana is two years old,
which is our baby, and we've been practicing polyami for
two years as well.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
When Annaivette and Gabby explored polyamory in their relationship, Gabby
was already pregnant and they sought the support of a
therapist they could figure out how it was like the
wildest emotional thing I have ever done in my life.
Speaker 4 (28:28):
I am already a crier, and so when I was pregnant,
I cried like on a thousand like literally like like
crying because my cart didn't have enough gas in it,
just being like I try so hard to do everything right,
like just crying. And so when we were navigating polyamory
(28:50):
and she would it was going on dates, it was
like really emotional, and I am so thankful that we
had we reached out for help because it was a
lot for me to as a monogamous person. So again
pregnant monogamous, because before I was I think a little
more open to it, and then there's this whole other
(29:10):
level of emotions. We started working with this poly couple
called Baron Fefi, and they were giving us like sessions.
We had individual sessions. In my heart of hearts, I
know that we deserve to create the like relationship algorithms
that work for us.
Speaker 1 (29:29):
Gabby also knew she didn't want to do polyamory just
to make Anaevet happy. She had to deepen her understanding
of love and relationships.
Speaker 4 (29:40):
So if I'm going to do polyamory, it cannot be
just to keep the girl right. It has to be
something deeper for me. And so I found that in
being like no, I want to expand. I want to
expand and understand, like, beyond monogamy, beyond my negative understandings
(30:00):
of polyamory. There is so much room for me to grow,
and I must grow. I want to love her and
I feel rooted here and I want to push myself
to learn and understand what this means and what this
means to her and how I can better YO. In
polyamory therapy, I learned how to communicate. I was able
(30:23):
to take my Puerto Rican like loud boy energy and
realize that is not the way, That is not the vibe,
like where can we find space?
Speaker 7 (30:33):
So much y'all?
Speaker 4 (30:34):
And Bonnivette was also coming at it from a really
honest place too. Now, oh, I just want to mess around.
She was like, Yo, I'm committed to you, I'm committed
to us. I do not want anything to disrupt our peace.
And I am polyamorous, and I'm going to show you how,
like we can trust each other along the way, like
(30:57):
partners are chosen that don't cause chaos. There's coming and
it's not this constant revolving door.
Speaker 7 (31:03):
It is very.
Speaker 4 (31:03):
Intentional and we preserve our piece above everything.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
Ana Ivatda approaches polyamory and dating with lots of intention
and honesty.
Speaker 5 (31:13):
That was very clear and what I was looking for
and polyamory and so what I was looking for and
polyamor was like non escalating romantic connection. I wasn't interested
in having a second or a third like I had.
I was very clear that g was my root partner.
We call each other our root partners. We don't like
anchor partners or primary partners.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
It also came with challenges, especially for Gabby as a
queer mask presenting person, she had some internal work to do.
Speaker 6 (31:46):
Now.
Speaker 4 (31:46):
I also want to add there are some entry points
right that are like more rooted, more easy to connect
to than others. So there were moments where I'm like, yo,
if as a queer masculine presenting person, I am dating
a high fem and I want to like worship fems
forever and like boost uplift. Who am I to stand
(32:08):
in the way of like her connecting with a fem
person on that level? That is something that I cannot
like no matter how much we love each other, that
is not the energy that we bring to each other.
Speaker 7 (32:20):
So and not in some weird way, I never participate.
Speaker 4 (32:22):
I'm not into that, like not to yuck anyone's young,
but that's not I'm hers. I don't need I'm not
looking for nothing else. And so there are points where
I was like, okay, I.
Speaker 7 (32:31):
Can get behind that.
Speaker 4 (32:32):
I understand that. And then it was a little more
difficult sometimes when the folks were mask presenting right where
I was like, I felt more in competition and I
felt more of my ego come up. And then that
was stuff that I had to like work through and
also Anivett would take into consideration like oh, this activates
her more than other things. I'm gonna let her work
(32:53):
on that activation. She needs to sit with that, But
I'm gonna be here and we can hold hands and
I'll make her like a cookies stuf and will work
through it together.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
But Gabby and Anna Yvette are open about their relationship
dynamics with their friends and their online community, But how
about with their families. Here's Anna Yvette.
Speaker 5 (33:13):
It has been healing for my mom to see the
kind of life that I have built for myself, because
she wasn't able to make these kinds of decisions right.
She stayed in a relationship with my father for far
too long, right and really shrunk herself. And I think
that although my mom, I think initially my previous relationship
(33:34):
was very much you got to make it work, you
got to make it work, at a certain point she
was like, you've done enough. Like you've done enough, and
it is okay for you to like finally choose yourself.
Speaker 6 (33:45):
And I think that her seeing the way that me
and g.
Speaker 5 (33:49):
Have built our lives together and our love together, I
think has been really healing for her to be able
to see.
Speaker 6 (33:56):
So Lita loves it.
Speaker 5 (33:58):
She loves like gee she loves the way we had
the baby. She loves the way we have are like lanes, and.
Speaker 6 (34:07):
The movie's constructed like our own version of weir expansive love.
So I feel really blessed to have her support.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
Gabby shares a few reasons she keeps their relationship dynamics private.
Speaker 7 (34:19):
Their elements that is.
Speaker 4 (34:20):
And so my family's so happy that I am loved
in this way and that I get to love, and
that they're over the moon about the baby and they
love the our teenagers, right. And then there's pieces that
are like for me, just mine. I don't mind telling
you guys about and talking here about the polyamory stuff,
but that isn't something that I necessarily bring home to
(34:41):
my parents because that is in a lot of ways
like none of their business. And also it's like just
this other level that I'm like, I'm not ashamed of it,
and I also don't want to have to explain it
because it works for us. And I have some folks
close to me be like, oh, that's a cult.
Speaker 7 (35:06):
She's got you where she wants you. I want all
the queers to know that this is possible.
Speaker 4 (35:11):
So yeah, so.
Speaker 8 (35:12):
It's interesting, and I think I also feel protective Aboutnivette
because I don't want anyone to even for a second
imagine that she loves me any less or that she
is any less of the partner of my dreams, and
I wouldn't like, yeah that, So there's a lot.
Speaker 7 (35:30):
Of nuance in that element.
Speaker 4 (35:33):
But I know overall that like everyone is so like
in love with how we love each other and this
family that we have created, and yeah, this is I
know that I'm exactly where I'm meant to be in
this world, like walking right next to you.
Speaker 2 (35:52):
Anna Yvette takes inspiration from one of her mom's favorite vichos.
Speaker 6 (35:57):
My mom says, she says one of hers that she
likes to say, and I feel like that's how we are, Like.
Speaker 5 (36:05):
Like we have our own independence, we have our own individuality,
we have our own lives, our own dreams, their own passions.
Speaker 6 (36:13):
But we are together, but we're not all mixed up
and like codependent with each other.
Speaker 1 (36:18):
What I learned from Gabby and Anna Yvette is that
you can truly have it all in your relationships when
you're with the right person, whether that be exploring polyamory
or creating a family on your own terms, it is
all possible with the love and support from the right person.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
Next time on Senora Sex Said, we interview Puerto Rican
actress Yvonne Cole.
Speaker 7 (36:42):
Was, you know, sixties to seventies, so free love.
Speaker 4 (36:46):
I did a lot of.
Speaker 9 (36:47):
That, had a lot of lovers, lots and lots and
lots of lovers, but I never married and as yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
Senora Sex S is a co production between Loca Tora
Productions and Michael Tura Podcast Network.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
This show is executive produced by Mala Munios and biosa Fem.
Speaker 1 (37:10):
Also executive produced by Giselle Fances.
Speaker 2 (37:14):
Produced by Stephanie Franco.
Speaker 1 (37:16):
Creative direction by Mala Munios, story editing by Biosafem, music
direction by Brissol Lomeli and
Speaker 2 (37:24):
Music produced by Brian Gazo
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