December 10, 2024 • 26 mins
Disclaimer: Please note this episode contains themes and conversations about sex.
Today on Señora Sex Ed, mother-daughter duo Gina Ruiz and Skarlett Redd share an intimate conversation about the complexities of motherhood, sex ed, and intimacy. Skarlett reflects on her experience growing up with a young mom who made it her mission to create an open and supportive environment where her children could talk about anything. Gina offers a powerful reminder that mothers are full, multifaceted individuals—far more than just caregivers.
This episode is a candid exploration of the ways in which motherhood can both shape and be shaped by a woman’s personal journey—because mothers are women, too.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, Amiga, I'm having doubts about divorcing my husband. We've
been together for forty years. What about our children?
Speaker 2 (00:07):
What about your children, Amiga? Your kids are thirty five?
Speaker 3 (00:15):
Senora Yora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Hi, Senora,
Welcome to Senora.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Sex Ed. Senora. Sex Ed is not your Mommy's sex Talk.
This show is la Platiica like you've never heard it before.
On each episode, we're breaking the stigma and silence around
sex and sexuality in LATINX communities.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Latinas have been hyper sexualized in popular culture, but notoriously
denied sex education. This podcast is an intergenerational conversation between
Latinas from gen X to gen Z, covering everything from
puberty and body image to representation in film, television, and music.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Remember that in this show, a Senora is a woman
with a lot of life experiences and stories to share.
Maybe she's in her thirties, Maybe she's in her forties
or fifties or older. Maybe she's trans, maybe she sis.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
We are your hosts and producers, Theosa and Mala.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
You might recognize us from our flagship podcast, lokatora radio
since twenty sixteen. We've covered all kinds of topics, ranging
from politics to mental health, current events, and of course sex,
but we still have so much to learn. We hope
you listen to each episode with the Senoras and Senoritas
in Your.
Speaker 4 (01:45):
Life Chapter seventeen, Mothers are women too.
Speaker 5 (02:03):
My name's Gina Ruiz and I'm Scarlett's mother. I am
fifty one years old and I'm an educator. My current
title is academic coach. I was in the classroom for
about fourteen years and I've spent the last eleven outside.
Speaker 6 (02:20):
My name is Scarlet red different last name. We could
get into that.
Speaker 5 (02:24):
We can get into that.
Speaker 6 (02:25):
I'm thirty.
Speaker 7 (02:26):
I am Gina's daughter, oldest daughter, and I'm an actress
and comedian and writer.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
Gina was a young mother and in many ways grew
up with her daughter, Scarlett.
Speaker 5 (02:38):
I was raised a Catholic and you save yourself for
marriage and the whole nine. But I did end up
having sex with a boyfriend at nineteen, and then I
was pregnant by twenty. That's how much I knew about sex.
I kept my daughter and here she is, and it
was an experience, and then I just kept having them.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Because of her Catholic upbringing, Gina wasn't sexually active in
high school, and with no sex education or real guidance,
she navigated puberty and relationships alone.
Speaker 5 (03:07):
All of my friends were sexually active in high school.
I was one of the only people that wasn't. So
they would always tell me everything, and they would always
be like, it's not a big deal, just you know.
But again, I was at church every Sunday in youth
group until I was about fifteen, so it was like, Nope,
you just don't do that. And I never could ask
about anything like that, Like even for when I got
(03:28):
my period. I remember I was watching Star Wars and
I got it, and my mom came to the bathroom
and she's like, oh, do you know what that is?
And I'm like I do because I heard my cousins
talking about it. She was like okay, and she left.
Yeah yeah, and so I knew I had to get
like a pad and I had to, you know. But
it was there was no instruction, there was no discussion.
(03:49):
It just happened and then we just went on.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
During the late eighties, Gina was initially against abortion, but
became pro choice after exc and seeing motherhood.
Speaker 5 (04:02):
People would talk about condoms while but most of the
time girls just you know, pull out method and if
somebody got pregnant, Like I had a friend who got pregnant,
she had an abortion, and it was crazy because I
was so anti abortion because obviously growing up Catholic that
I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wasn't able to take her.
She was like, oh, can you drive me? I was like, no,
you have to ask somebody else. And it's I totally
(04:25):
flipped once I had a baby too. Now I am
completely one hundred percent pro choice.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
While at a wedding, Gina realized that she was pregnant
after noticing some changes in her body despite never missing
her period. A visit to the doctor confirmed that she
was in fact pregnant.
Speaker 5 (04:44):
So I found out I was pregnant because I was
in a wedding and I'll never forget my mom was
zipping me up. I was a bridesmaid, and she goes,
did you gain weight because she couldn't zip up the backpart.
I was like no, ooh, but I knew that my
boobs had actually gotten a little bit bigger. On Monday,
(05:04):
when I went to school, I went to you know,
just on campus, and I said, oh, you know, I've
been really sick to my stomach. And they said, oh, well,
is it possibility that you're pregnant.
Speaker 6 (05:14):
I was like no.
Speaker 5 (05:15):
They're like, well, are you having sex? I said yeah, okay,
so there's a possibility could be pregnant. No, And they
sent me home with the jar to collect my urine
and then bring it back to them the next day.
And so I did that and then they came out
and they were like, well, it's as we suspected, you're pregnant.
And I still at the point, was like, how could
I be pregnant? Like I just it was. It was
(05:36):
just not something that I thought could happen.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
Gina told her boyfriend she was pregnant, who was also
understandably panicked and unsure, but in spite of that, decided
to tell their parents together.
Speaker 5 (05:49):
I told him first, and his reaction instantly was like, okay,
I love you, but I'm not ready for a baby.
I don't want a baby. And I was like, well,
I'm I'm not for abortion, so we're having the baby.
And he was like, oh my god. And I could
tell there was panic. But then actually we told his
mom before we ever told my parents. We knew like
(06:10):
his mom was going to be a little bit more accepting.
She was a lot more liberal and just talked about everything.
And then I had to tell my parents. And I
remember we invited them to breakfast and I was like, okay,
so we have something that we have to tell you.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
And they were like what.
Speaker 5 (06:25):
Like they were so like, well, what about school? Because
I was in school at the time, and I was
a first of my family to go to college. None
of my cousins, you know, nobody had ever gone to college.
So it was like, what am I going to do now?
And so they were very shocked, very disappointed, but you know,
also supportive, like okay, well you're going to have a baby, okay.
(06:49):
I think it was harder for my mom to tell
her mom.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
Gina was embarrassed to tell her family about her pregnancy.
It was especially awkward when her mother used to phrase celeo,
meaning that her boyfriend had gotten.
Speaker 5 (07:04):
Her, like the embarrassment and the you know, oh and
she told him in span it And I can't remember
the exact phrase, but I knew it interpreted like he
got her, Like like he got her, yeah, yeah, like
my boyfriend. That was what she was telling her mom.
He did this to her, and I'm thinking to myself,
(07:25):
that's so weird because I was there. Yeah, but that's
how they interpret it, was like he got her.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
Although Gina was raising a family, she was committed to
getting her bachelor's degree and eventually her master's degree.
Speaker 5 (07:39):
I went part time. It took me six years instead
of four, but still finished.
Speaker 6 (07:44):
And how many degrees do you have now?
Speaker 5 (07:46):
A lot? I don't have a lot. But I did
end up getting my credential, my master's, and then I
got my master's in admin, so I have the the two.
But I did it when they were all little, so
I don't know any other way.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
Gina and her her husband had different ideas about the
number of kids they wanted to have. Eventually, Gina tried
birth control and condoms before finally convincing her husband to
get a vasectomy after they had their third child.
Speaker 5 (08:13):
I didn't want her to be alone, so I negotiated.
He didn't only wanted he didn't want any and then
I had one and he was like, Nope, that's it.
And I was like, no, that's mean, like what if
something happens to us? Okay, fine, So we had one
more and then he was like, way, that's it. And
I did get on birth control, but it gave me
really bad headaches. So then we were just faithful to condoms.
(08:33):
We just always use condoms because I always felt really
sick when I was on birth control. And when I
was pregnant with my last one, my youngest, I made
him go get aasectomy. I was like no, and I
remember the Eurologis was like, are you sure you don't
want to wait? You don't want to wait until you
know you have I said, I got three more at home.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
We are not waiting.
Speaker 5 (08:53):
And had I not done that, I can almost guarantee
within those eleven years I would have had two more.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
Gina reflects on the challenges of being a young mother
with limited support.
Speaker 5 (09:04):
At the time, I didn't realize how much I was
missing out on because I was just being a mom.
But looking at my friends and seeing what they were
doing and like just having all those choices, I didn't
have that because my mom was not one of those.
She was hardcore. She would watch her if I was
in school, or she would watch her if I had
to work, but if I was not, oh, she was
(09:26):
mm mmm. She was not about nope, you wanted to
be a mom. You're a mom.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
This is your job.
Speaker 6 (09:31):
You're a mom.
Speaker 5 (09:32):
When she would come over, like she would tell me like,
I'll help clean, but you're taking care of your baby.
She was super strict.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
We hope you're enjoying this conversation. Stay tuned, there's more
to come.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Thanks for sticking around. We are back. Gina was determined
to give her daughter Scarlet the sex education she never received.
This meant going so far as to an and write
Scarlet to witness the birth of her younger brother.
Speaker 7 (10:03):
I was eleven years old and we were driving to
Long Beach Memorial from Mike Elsoner at the time, and
uh in the car with my mom and dad.
Speaker 6 (10:12):
They're like, okay, so this is how we got here.
Speaker 7 (10:14):
And they told me like about sex, and they asked
me if I had any idea about it yet, and
I was like, oh, well, I think I like kind
of knew some stuff from watching Family Guy and then
uh yeah. So they were like, okay, so we had sex,
and now there's a baby in your mom and we're
gonna go watch him be born. And I did watch
Fox get delivered at the hospital.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
As it turns out, watching the birth of her younger
brother was all the birth controls Scarlet would ever need.
Speaker 5 (10:45):
And then as far as deciding to have her watch
the delivery that I knew would solidify Okay, this is
what actually happens when you have a baby. Yeah. For
a year we talked about that, him and I and
he was like yeah. And when I asked my ob
she was like, okay, she mature enough. I said, oh, yes,
(11:05):
she's very mature because she was only eleven, you know,
but she was. She was definitely, you know, ready, and
we talked about it and I remember telling her any
time you feel uncomfortable, just tell your dad and you
can go in the hallway or he can take you
to the waiting room. It's fine.
Speaker 7 (11:21):
And there was only one time when I think it
was right before you got the epidural.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yeah, you were like eating pain.
Speaker 5 (11:28):
And then she was like, okay, I want to go
in the hall I want to take a break, and
we were like, okay, you can go, so she did.
He took her and I don't know where they went,
and then when they came back, my epidourol had already
kicked in, so I was like yeah, yeah, but it
was definitely something we wanted her to see, because yeah,
that will that's birth control right there.
Speaker 3 (11:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (11:48):
For years I used to say that, uh huh, that's
all the birth control I needed.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Scarlet remembers stepping out of the labor and delivery room
before her mother, Gina, got an epidural. She was both
surprised and excited as she watched her baby brother being born.
Speaker 7 (12:06):
I recall needing to step out right before the epidural,
but it was just like a lot of waiting around,
and I was like, oh my god, like, this is
what you've been doing the last two times that you
were giving birth, just sitting here hanging out. And I
was shocked and horrified to learn that you couldn't eat
during the time that you're in labor.
Speaker 6 (12:26):
You're not allowed to eat.
Speaker 7 (12:27):
So I remember you eating ice chips and they did
let you drink apple juice, and I knew that you
were really hungry. So, you know, you have Fox twelve fourteen,
and I remember seeing him crown and it wasn't like
this thing where I was nothing squeamish about it. I
knew that you were in pain, but it was also like,
this is so cool. This is my baby brother, and
(12:48):
I think that that has also.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Oh they are like this.
Speaker 5 (12:52):
He says that she's his second mom and he confides
in her in so many things that he probably doesn't
share with me, which it's okay, it's okay. But they've
always been extremely close.
Speaker 7 (13:04):
I think that that played a huge factor into it too.
It's just that I got to see him come into
the world. Oh, it almost makes me emotional.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Both Gina and her husband were communicative with Scarlet when
it came to sex sexuality, and emphasized communication, safety and
exploring what Scarlet liked.
Speaker 5 (13:25):
She had a boyfriend in high school, and you remember
your dad telling you, like, I don't ever want to
hear about you in the back of a car or
in you know, he offered to like, you tell me
and I'll get you a room if you're not comfortable here, Like,
I don't want any of that. And we would always say, like,
you have to come and tell us when you're ready
so that I can put you on the pill and
we can do it the right. You don't need to
hide it. It's part of the human experience, Like, it's
(13:48):
just what people do. So it's okay. And I was
never oh, you gotta save it.
Speaker 7 (13:53):
No.
Speaker 5 (13:54):
I told them the opposite. You figure out what you
like because there's a lot of stuff out there, okay,
and you you want to make sure that you find
the person that's gonna that your needs, you know, because
it's different, it's all different.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Scarlett remembers her first sexual experience and how she waited
until she knew she was ready to tell her parents
before finally losing her virginity.
Speaker 7 (14:17):
So I was in a very loving relationship with my
high school boyfriend. My parents were also super cool and
let him sleep over like it wasn't like we were
hiding the intimacy that we were having. But up until
the point where we had sex, I don't exactly remember,
probably senior or of high school, but we did try
one time and I remember being like.
Speaker 6 (14:36):
No, no, no steps ups up, I don't want to do this,
and he was like okay.
Speaker 7 (14:39):
But it was because I wasn't ready to tell them,
and I just knew. I knew, like I will be
ready to have sex when I'm ready to just be
once with my parents because I also don't want to
have an unplanned pregnancy, and they will take me to
the doctor and I'll get on birth control. A couple
weeks later, I was like okay, and we did have sex,
and I remember he had spent the night and the
(15:00):
two of us like came downstairs for breakfast and he
ate breakfast with us, and then we left, and then
you and dad were in the kitchen, Like, I just
feel like something is different about you guys, So, uh,
did you have sex last night?
Speaker 5 (15:14):
And I was like yeah, And it wasn't like like
there was no there's no shame.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Scarlett felt no shame about revealing when she finally had
her first sexual experience. The conversation felt natural, and soon
after she started birth control.
Speaker 7 (15:34):
There was no shame. There was no like humiliation or mortification.
It was kind of just like, ooh, you got me,
You got me?
Speaker 8 (15:40):
Was it?
Speaker 7 (15:41):
I wasn't afraid to come clean because it wasn't like
I was actually hiding anything. So yeah, and then shortly thereafter,
I think I probably got put putting the pill to
the after.
Speaker 5 (15:50):
And we got to put in the pill.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 8 (15:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
We hope you're enjoying this conversation. Stay tuned, there's more
to come.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Thanks for sticking around. We are back.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Learning about feminism allowed Scarlet to understand the choices her
mother would make in her own relationship.
Speaker 7 (16:14):
I think a lot of it came from actually, like
learning about feminism in college and the idea of agency,
and I think I realized like by inserting myself as
the child saying please stay with my dad, I think
(16:34):
it clouded her agency to make the choice for what
was best for herself. And at that point it was like,
this is not You're not happy, like you're like, I'm
moving home and I am seeing how sad you are
because of the way that this relationship is draining you.
Speaker 6 (16:53):
And this isn't what any of us want.
Speaker 5 (16:56):
But you don't get a divorce, you know, culturally, you
just see it through no matter what happens. And I
know my parents, in all the times and all the
terrible things, they never wanted me to get divorced, right
because you just don't get a divorce. So when making
the decision to finally do it, I know it was
really hard. And my mom had already passed by the
(17:17):
time I decided to do it, so had she been around,
I don't know, she might have gotten in my ear.
Speaker 6 (17:22):
I don't know.
Speaker 5 (17:23):
There were so many things that I put in place
to make sure I didn't get back together with him,
because it was a horrible cycle.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
After their divorce, Scarlet encouraged her mom to date and
even explore polyamory.
Speaker 7 (17:34):
Like I just read the ethical slut, Like, let me
tell my mom she could be polyamorous.
Speaker 5 (17:39):
She's like, Mom, I mean, you're so sad, you're not
happy with dad. Just get a boyfriend. I was like, Scarlet,
that is not going to solve any problems.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
What is that going to solve.
Speaker 5 (17:49):
She's like, well, then, I mean at least she can
have some happiness. I'm like, no, that's just going to
create more problems. No, but that was the first time
that she ever wanted me to do something that was
against her dad. Right. They actually sat him down the
year before I officially like said, okay, we're done. Do
you remember sitting down you seven, and Dylan and dad
(18:11):
and you have it recorded?
Speaker 7 (18:12):
Oh my god.
Speaker 5 (18:13):
Yeah, And they and they told him we are not
gonna sit here and have you do what you do
to mom.
Speaker 6 (18:20):
We are done talk about parentification.
Speaker 8 (18:23):
Like hmmm.
Speaker 5 (18:24):
They sat him down and he sat there, and he
sat there. He wouldn't say a word. He just was
like angry that he was even being confronted.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
When Scarlett moved back home from undergrad her and her
mother grew closer and had coffee chats where they would
each talk about their dating experiences.
Speaker 7 (18:42):
We would have these talks and she would tell me
about her dates and these guys, and like, I remember
feeling a little bit, like gradually over time, a sense
of being overwhelmed by the information I was receiving, because
it's kind of like talking to your best friend and
it's like you tell her, like, well, maybe don't do that,
and then she goes in and she does it again,
well maybe don't see this guy like sounds like an idiot,
(19:03):
and then she goes it went.
Speaker 5 (19:05):
Buck wild, And let me tell you, ladies, learned a
lot about myself. I learned about things that I liked,
you know, just sexually and just being with another person,
like cause, I mean, I felt like I was great
at dating because I didn't want a relationship, so I
could go out learn about you, have fun with you,
(19:27):
be intimate with you. But I didn't care about you
because I was not going to have another relationship. And
so it was great because I could take pieces from people.
That's what I always say, like oh I like that
about him, or oh I like that about him, and
it wasn't until I felt like I wanted to like
have someone again, like that, I met someone and I
was like, oh, I really remember I really liked that guy.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
A little while after her divorce, Gina wanted to learn
more about breaking old relationship patterns. She decided to try
something new and she jumped into the world online dating. Eventually,
while setting up a new bank account, she caught the
attention of the teller and.
Speaker 5 (20:06):
He was like, okay, well, we're gonna have to close
your account and open you a new one.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
And I was like oh.
Speaker 5 (20:10):
He's like, do you have anything outstanding? And I was like,
you know what, I have one check that is outstanding.
He's like, do you have the number? I said no,
but I can get it for you, and he was like, okay,
hands me his business card puts a cell phone number
in the back. He's like, go ahead, and when you
get home, text me the number and then I will
clear it for you. And so I think anything of it.
I come home and tell her and she was like, mom,
he was hitting on you, and I was like, no,
(20:32):
he was not. She's like, yes, he was. Watch text
him go ahead, and I was like okay. So I
looked at the check number. I said, hey, so this
is a check number, you know, and thanks a lot.
He sends me back, You're welcome, and if you need
help with anything else, go ahead and let me know.
I said, well, like what he was like, well, whatever
you need and I was like, oh, okay, that sounds great.
Speaker 2 (20:55):
Gina stayed in touch with the bank teller and explored
in this new phase of her life.
Speaker 5 (21:02):
And then he would just start, you know, we just
start chatting and joking and then he was like, you
want to go out? And I was like yeah, so
we did. We became friends, like I knew if he
was involved with somebody, he knew if I had gotten
involved with somebody, like, but we still, you know, we
would hook up every now and then. I mean, it
was what it was.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
Gina has the same dynamic with all of her children.
She's open, she's honest, but sometimes she does wonder if
she's been too open.
Speaker 5 (21:29):
I have the same dynamic with all of them. I've
sometimes said maybe I'm too open, but then I'm like, well,
but then I'm lying about who I really am.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
And that's how I always was.
Speaker 5 (21:38):
So I don't know how to be any different. And
I'm old now they're accepting that I'm old. Now she's
not old.
Speaker 7 (21:45):
She wants to be old so she can start having excuses.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
In Scarlett's own words, she's been the parentified firstborn, meaning
at times she's played the parent role. Even though she
witnessed her parents' marriage and their divorce, she says she's
still open to marriage. She sees marriage as a choice
rooted in commitment, not obligation.
Speaker 7 (22:08):
There was a long time where I think I was
very jaded in anti marriage.
Speaker 6 (22:12):
Because as like my parents they're divorced.
Speaker 7 (22:16):
But now I see myself wanting to get married because
of the commitment. But because I'm not getting married because
somebody because I was because somebody put a baby and meat, like,
I feel a lot more empowered about making that kind
of commitment to life partnership, because that's the other thing too.
(22:37):
I don't see marriage as this thing that is necessary,
like like starts and begins with love, or starts and
ends at love.
Speaker 6 (22:42):
Like I want to be in a partnership with somebody
who I could build a business with.
Speaker 7 (22:46):
I want to be in a partnership with somebody who
in my own words, I'm always like, I want to
build an empire with the love of my life and
what that looks like I think could be so many
different things. I think, because I'm an artist, if I
choose not to have children, because going to make my
career harder, I want to make art with my partner.
That's the legacy I want to leave with my partner.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Gina is currently in a happy, committed relationship, but knows
dating will always be an option if she ever needs it.
This mindset has positively impacted the way Scarlet views her
own relationships.
Speaker 7 (23:18):
It's that mentality too, that I think has made me
know I should not be in a relationship with anybody,
like there is no like, oh my god, it's the
only person for me.
Speaker 6 (23:28):
Like it's you.
Speaker 7 (23:30):
The relationship is with you and yourself, and like don't
dim your light for somebody else.
Speaker 5 (23:36):
As long as you are true to yourself. That's like key,
because I don't think everybody is. I think people stay
with people too long because they're afraid of the unknown,
or they're afraid they're not going to meet that other person.
And that's so not true. There's so many people out.
Speaker 6 (23:51):
There, and you might not meet yourself if you stay
in that relationship.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
What I really enjoyed learning from Scarlet and Gina today
is that it really demonstrates that our mothers are just
women creating their own lives, making their own choices, and
they have complete separate identities from us, and they're allowed
to start over whenever they want.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Next time on Senora Sex Said, we interview Bunkitzani, also
known as Indihemama.
Speaker 8 (24:30):
Our ancestors lived for pleasure. We have to enjoy the
pleasures of life. Since life is full of suffering, we
need to really enjoy the pleasure and that's the balance
of being a human.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
Nos vemos Chow.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Senora Sex Said is a coproduction between Loca Tora Productions
and Michael Tura Podcast Network.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
This show is executive produced by Mala Munos and Them.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Also executive produced by Jaselle.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Frances, produced by Stephanie Franco.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Creative direction by Mala Munios.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
Story editing by Bosa Fem.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
Music direction by Grisol Lomeli
Speaker 1 (25:22):
And music produced by Brian Gazzo.
Hi, Amiga, I'm having doubts about divorcing my husband. We've
been together for forty years. What about our children?
Speaker 2 (00:07):
What about your children, Amiga? Your kids are thirty five?
Speaker 3 (00:15):
Senora Yora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Hi, Senora,
Welcome to Senora.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
Sex Ed. Senora. Sex Ed is not your Mommy's sex Talk.
This show is la Platiica like you've never heard it before.
On each episode, we're breaking the stigma and silence around
sex and sexuality in LATINX communities.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Latinas have been hyper sexualized in popular culture, but notoriously
denied sex education. This podcast is an intergenerational conversation between
Latinas from gen X to gen Z, covering everything from
puberty and body image to representation in film, television, and music.
Speaker 2 (01:07):
Remember that in this show, a Senora is a woman
with a lot of life experiences and stories to share.
Maybe she's in her thirties, Maybe she's in her forties
or fifties or older. Maybe she's trans, maybe she sis.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
We are your hosts and producers, Theosa and Mala.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
You might recognize us from our flagship podcast, lokatora radio
since twenty sixteen. We've covered all kinds of topics, ranging
from politics to mental health, current events, and of course sex,
but we still have so much to learn. We hope
you listen to each episode with the Senoras and Senoritas
in Your.
Speaker 4 (01:45):
Life Chapter seventeen, Mothers are women too.
Speaker 5 (02:03):
My name's Gina Ruiz and I'm Scarlett's mother. I am
fifty one years old and I'm an educator. My current
title is academic coach. I was in the classroom for
about fourteen years and I've spent the last eleven outside.
Speaker 6 (02:20):
My name is Scarlet red different last name. We could
get into that.
Speaker 5 (02:24):
We can get into that.
Speaker 6 (02:25):
I'm thirty.
Speaker 7 (02:26):
I am Gina's daughter, oldest daughter, and I'm an actress
and comedian and writer.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
Gina was a young mother and in many ways grew
up with her daughter, Scarlett.
Speaker 5 (02:38):
I was raised a Catholic and you save yourself for
marriage and the whole nine. But I did end up
having sex with a boyfriend at nineteen, and then I
was pregnant by twenty. That's how much I knew about sex.
I kept my daughter and here she is, and it
was an experience, and then I just kept having them.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
Because of her Catholic upbringing, Gina wasn't sexually active in
high school, and with no sex education or real guidance,
she navigated puberty and relationships alone.
Speaker 5 (03:07):
All of my friends were sexually active in high school.
I was one of the only people that wasn't. So
they would always tell me everything, and they would always
be like, it's not a big deal, just you know.
But again, I was at church every Sunday in youth
group until I was about fifteen, so it was like, Nope,
you just don't do that. And I never could ask
about anything like that, Like even for when I got
(03:28):
my period. I remember I was watching Star Wars and
I got it, and my mom came to the bathroom
and she's like, oh, do you know what that is?
And I'm like I do because I heard my cousins
talking about it. She was like okay, and she left.
Yeah yeah, and so I knew I had to get
like a pad and I had to, you know. But
it was there was no instruction, there was no discussion.
(03:49):
It just happened and then we just went on.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
During the late eighties, Gina was initially against abortion, but
became pro choice after exc and seeing motherhood.
Speaker 5 (04:02):
People would talk about condoms while but most of the
time girls just you know, pull out method and if
somebody got pregnant, Like I had a friend who got pregnant,
she had an abortion, and it was crazy because I
was so anti abortion because obviously growing up Catholic that
I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wasn't able to take her.
She was like, oh, can you drive me? I was like, no,
you have to ask somebody else. And it's I totally
(04:25):
flipped once I had a baby too. Now I am
completely one hundred percent pro choice.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
While at a wedding, Gina realized that she was pregnant
after noticing some changes in her body despite never missing
her period. A visit to the doctor confirmed that she
was in fact pregnant.
Speaker 5 (04:44):
So I found out I was pregnant because I was
in a wedding and I'll never forget my mom was
zipping me up. I was a bridesmaid, and she goes,
did you gain weight because she couldn't zip up the backpart.
I was like no, ooh, but I knew that my
boobs had actually gotten a little bit bigger. On Monday,
(05:04):
when I went to school, I went to you know,
just on campus, and I said, oh, you know, I've
been really sick to my stomach. And they said, oh, well,
is it possibility that you're pregnant.
Speaker 6 (05:14):
I was like no.
Speaker 5 (05:15):
They're like, well, are you having sex? I said yeah, okay,
so there's a possibility could be pregnant. No, And they
sent me home with the jar to collect my urine
and then bring it back to them the next day.
And so I did that and then they came out
and they were like, well, it's as we suspected, you're pregnant.
And I still at the point, was like, how could
I be pregnant? Like I just it was. It was
(05:36):
just not something that I thought could happen.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
Gina told her boyfriend she was pregnant, who was also
understandably panicked and unsure, but in spite of that, decided
to tell their parents together.
Speaker 5 (05:49):
I told him first, and his reaction instantly was like, okay,
I love you, but I'm not ready for a baby.
I don't want a baby. And I was like, well,
I'm I'm not for abortion, so we're having the baby.
And he was like, oh my god. And I could
tell there was panic. But then actually we told his
mom before we ever told my parents. We knew like
(06:10):
his mom was going to be a little bit more accepting.
She was a lot more liberal and just talked about everything.
And then I had to tell my parents. And I
remember we invited them to breakfast and I was like, okay,
so we have something that we have to tell you.
Speaker 1 (06:22):
And they were like what.
Speaker 5 (06:25):
Like they were so like, well, what about school? Because
I was in school at the time, and I was
a first of my family to go to college. None
of my cousins, you know, nobody had ever gone to college.
So it was like, what am I going to do now?
And so they were very shocked, very disappointed, but you know,
also supportive, like okay, well you're going to have a baby, okay.
(06:49):
I think it was harder for my mom to tell
her mom.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
Gina was embarrassed to tell her family about her pregnancy.
It was especially awkward when her mother used to phrase celeo,
meaning that her boyfriend had gotten.
Speaker 5 (07:04):
Her, like the embarrassment and the you know, oh and
she told him in span it And I can't remember
the exact phrase, but I knew it interpreted like he
got her, Like like he got her, yeah, yeah, like
my boyfriend. That was what she was telling her mom.
He did this to her, and I'm thinking to myself,
(07:25):
that's so weird because I was there. Yeah, but that's
how they interpret it, was like he got her.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
Although Gina was raising a family, she was committed to
getting her bachelor's degree and eventually her master's degree.
Speaker 5 (07:39):
I went part time. It took me six years instead
of four, but still finished.
Speaker 6 (07:44):
And how many degrees do you have now?
Speaker 5 (07:46):
A lot? I don't have a lot. But I did
end up getting my credential, my master's, and then I
got my master's in admin, so I have the the two.
But I did it when they were all little, so
I don't know any other way.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
Gina and her her husband had different ideas about the
number of kids they wanted to have. Eventually, Gina tried
birth control and condoms before finally convincing her husband to
get a vasectomy after they had their third child.
Speaker 5 (08:13):
I didn't want her to be alone, so I negotiated.
He didn't only wanted he didn't want any and then
I had one and he was like, Nope, that's it.
And I was like, no, that's mean, like what if
something happens to us? Okay, fine, So we had one
more and then he was like, way, that's it. And
I did get on birth control, but it gave me
really bad headaches. So then we were just faithful to condoms.
(08:33):
We just always use condoms because I always felt really
sick when I was on birth control. And when I
was pregnant with my last one, my youngest, I made
him go get aasectomy. I was like no, and I
remember the Eurologis was like, are you sure you don't
want to wait? You don't want to wait until you
know you have I said, I got three more at home.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
We are not waiting.
Speaker 5 (08:53):
And had I not done that, I can almost guarantee
within those eleven years I would have had two more.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
Gina reflects on the challenges of being a young mother
with limited support.
Speaker 5 (09:04):
At the time, I didn't realize how much I was
missing out on because I was just being a mom.
But looking at my friends and seeing what they were
doing and like just having all those choices, I didn't
have that because my mom was not one of those.
She was hardcore. She would watch her if I was
in school, or she would watch her if I had
to work, but if I was not, oh, she was
(09:26):
mm mmm. She was not about nope, you wanted to
be a mom. You're a mom.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
This is your job.
Speaker 6 (09:31):
You're a mom.
Speaker 5 (09:32):
When she would come over, like she would tell me like,
I'll help clean, but you're taking care of your baby.
She was super strict.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
We hope you're enjoying this conversation. Stay tuned, there's more
to come.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Thanks for sticking around. We are back. Gina was determined
to give her daughter Scarlet the sex education she never received.
This meant going so far as to an and write
Scarlet to witness the birth of her younger brother.
Speaker 7 (10:03):
I was eleven years old and we were driving to
Long Beach Memorial from Mike Elsoner at the time, and
uh in the car with my mom and dad.
Speaker 6 (10:12):
They're like, okay, so this is how we got here.
Speaker 7 (10:14):
And they told me like about sex, and they asked
me if I had any idea about it yet, and
I was like, oh, well, I think I like kind
of knew some stuff from watching Family Guy and then
uh yeah. So they were like, okay, so we had sex,
and now there's a baby in your mom and we're
gonna go watch him be born. And I did watch
Fox get delivered at the hospital.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
As it turns out, watching the birth of her younger
brother was all the birth controls Scarlet would ever need.
Speaker 5 (10:45):
And then as far as deciding to have her watch
the delivery that I knew would solidify Okay, this is
what actually happens when you have a baby. Yeah. For
a year we talked about that, him and I and
he was like yeah. And when I asked my ob
she was like, okay, she mature enough. I said, oh, yes,
(11:05):
she's very mature because she was only eleven, you know,
but she was. She was definitely, you know, ready, and
we talked about it and I remember telling her any
time you feel uncomfortable, just tell your dad and you
can go in the hallway or he can take you
to the waiting room. It's fine.
Speaker 7 (11:21):
And there was only one time when I think it
was right before you got the epidural.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
Yeah, you were like eating pain.
Speaker 5 (11:28):
And then she was like, okay, I want to go
in the hall I want to take a break, and
we were like, okay, you can go, so she did.
He took her and I don't know where they went,
and then when they came back, my epidourol had already
kicked in, so I was like yeah, yeah, but it
was definitely something we wanted her to see, because yeah,
that will that's birth control right there.
Speaker 3 (11:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (11:48):
For years I used to say that, uh huh, that's
all the birth control I needed.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Scarlet remembers stepping out of the labor and delivery room
before her mother, Gina, got an epidural. She was both
surprised and excited as she watched her baby brother being born.
Speaker 7 (12:06):
I recall needing to step out right before the epidural,
but it was just like a lot of waiting around,
and I was like, oh my god, like, this is
what you've been doing the last two times that you
were giving birth, just sitting here hanging out. And I
was shocked and horrified to learn that you couldn't eat
during the time that you're in labor.
Speaker 6 (12:26):
You're not allowed to eat.
Speaker 7 (12:27):
So I remember you eating ice chips and they did
let you drink apple juice, and I knew that you
were really hungry. So, you know, you have Fox twelve fourteen,
and I remember seeing him crown and it wasn't like
this thing where I was nothing squeamish about it. I
knew that you were in pain, but it was also like,
this is so cool. This is my baby brother, and
(12:48):
I think that that has also.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Oh they are like this.
Speaker 5 (12:52):
He says that she's his second mom and he confides
in her in so many things that he probably doesn't
share with me, which it's okay, it's okay. But they've
always been extremely close.
Speaker 7 (13:04):
I think that that played a huge factor into it too.
It's just that I got to see him come into
the world. Oh, it almost makes me emotional.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Both Gina and her husband were communicative with Scarlet when
it came to sex sexuality, and emphasized communication, safety and
exploring what Scarlet liked.
Speaker 5 (13:25):
She had a boyfriend in high school, and you remember
your dad telling you, like, I don't ever want to
hear about you in the back of a car or
in you know, he offered to like, you tell me
and I'll get you a room if you're not comfortable here, Like,
I don't want any of that. And we would always say, like,
you have to come and tell us when you're ready
so that I can put you on the pill and
we can do it the right. You don't need to
hide it. It's part of the human experience, Like, it's
(13:48):
just what people do. So it's okay. And I was
never oh, you gotta save it.
Speaker 7 (13:53):
No.
Speaker 5 (13:54):
I told them the opposite. You figure out what you
like because there's a lot of stuff out there, okay,
and you you want to make sure that you find
the person that's gonna that your needs, you know, because
it's different, it's all different.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Scarlett remembers her first sexual experience and how she waited
until she knew she was ready to tell her parents
before finally losing her virginity.
Speaker 7 (14:17):
So I was in a very loving relationship with my
high school boyfriend. My parents were also super cool and
let him sleep over like it wasn't like we were
hiding the intimacy that we were having. But up until
the point where we had sex, I don't exactly remember,
probably senior or of high school, but we did try
one time and I remember being like.
Speaker 6 (14:36):
No, no, no steps ups up, I don't want to do this,
and he was like okay.
Speaker 7 (14:39):
But it was because I wasn't ready to tell them,
and I just knew. I knew, like I will be
ready to have sex when I'm ready to just be
once with my parents because I also don't want to
have an unplanned pregnancy, and they will take me to
the doctor and I'll get on birth control. A couple
weeks later, I was like okay, and we did have sex,
and I remember he had spent the night and the
(15:00):
two of us like came downstairs for breakfast and he
ate breakfast with us, and then we left, and then
you and dad were in the kitchen, Like, I just
feel like something is different about you guys, So, uh,
did you have sex last night?
Speaker 5 (15:14):
And I was like yeah, And it wasn't like like
there was no there's no shame.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
Scarlett felt no shame about revealing when she finally had
her first sexual experience. The conversation felt natural, and soon
after she started birth control.
Speaker 7 (15:34):
There was no shame. There was no like humiliation or mortification.
It was kind of just like, ooh, you got me,
You got me?
Speaker 8 (15:40):
Was it?
Speaker 7 (15:41):
I wasn't afraid to come clean because it wasn't like
I was actually hiding anything. So yeah, and then shortly thereafter,
I think I probably got put putting the pill to
the after.
Speaker 5 (15:50):
And we got to put in the pill.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 8 (15:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
We hope you're enjoying this conversation. Stay tuned, there's more
to come.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Thanks for sticking around. We are back.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Learning about feminism allowed Scarlet to understand the choices her
mother would make in her own relationship.
Speaker 7 (16:14):
I think a lot of it came from actually, like
learning about feminism in college and the idea of agency,
and I think I realized like by inserting myself as
the child saying please stay with my dad, I think
(16:34):
it clouded her agency to make the choice for what
was best for herself. And at that point it was like,
this is not You're not happy, like you're like, I'm
moving home and I am seeing how sad you are
because of the way that this relationship is draining you.
Speaker 6 (16:53):
And this isn't what any of us want.
Speaker 5 (16:56):
But you don't get a divorce, you know, culturally, you
just see it through no matter what happens. And I
know my parents, in all the times and all the
terrible things, they never wanted me to get divorced, right
because you just don't get a divorce. So when making
the decision to finally do it, I know it was
really hard. And my mom had already passed by the
(17:17):
time I decided to do it, so had she been around,
I don't know, she might have gotten in my ear.
Speaker 6 (17:22):
I don't know.
Speaker 5 (17:23):
There were so many things that I put in place
to make sure I didn't get back together with him,
because it was a horrible cycle.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
After their divorce, Scarlet encouraged her mom to date and
even explore polyamory.
Speaker 7 (17:34):
Like I just read the ethical slut, Like, let me
tell my mom she could be polyamorous.
Speaker 5 (17:39):
She's like, Mom, I mean, you're so sad, you're not
happy with dad. Just get a boyfriend. I was like, Scarlet,
that is not going to solve any problems.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
What is that going to solve.
Speaker 5 (17:49):
She's like, well, then, I mean at least she can
have some happiness. I'm like, no, that's just going to
create more problems. No, but that was the first time
that she ever wanted me to do something that was
against her dad. Right. They actually sat him down the
year before I officially like said, okay, we're done. Do
you remember sitting down you seven, and Dylan and dad
(18:11):
and you have it recorded?
Speaker 7 (18:12):
Oh my god.
Speaker 5 (18:13):
Yeah, And they and they told him we are not
gonna sit here and have you do what you do
to mom.
Speaker 6 (18:20):
We are done talk about parentification.
Speaker 8 (18:23):
Like hmmm.
Speaker 5 (18:24):
They sat him down and he sat there, and he
sat there. He wouldn't say a word. He just was
like angry that he was even being confronted.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
When Scarlett moved back home from undergrad her and her
mother grew closer and had coffee chats where they would
each talk about their dating experiences.
Speaker 7 (18:42):
We would have these talks and she would tell me
about her dates and these guys, and like, I remember
feeling a little bit, like gradually over time, a sense
of being overwhelmed by the information I was receiving, because
it's kind of like talking to your best friend and
it's like you tell her, like, well, maybe don't do that,
and then she goes in and she does it again,
well maybe don't see this guy like sounds like an idiot,
(19:03):
and then she goes it went.
Speaker 5 (19:05):
Buck wild, And let me tell you, ladies, learned a
lot about myself. I learned about things that I liked,
you know, just sexually and just being with another person,
like cause, I mean, I felt like I was great
at dating because I didn't want a relationship, so I
could go out learn about you, have fun with you,
(19:27):
be intimate with you. But I didn't care about you
because I was not going to have another relationship. And
so it was great because I could take pieces from people.
That's what I always say, like oh I like that
about him, or oh I like that about him, and
it wasn't until I felt like I wanted to like
have someone again, like that, I met someone and I
was like, oh, I really remember I really liked that guy.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
A little while after her divorce, Gina wanted to learn
more about breaking old relationship patterns. She decided to try
something new and she jumped into the world online dating. Eventually,
while setting up a new bank account, she caught the
attention of the teller and.
Speaker 5 (20:06):
He was like, okay, well, we're gonna have to close
your account and open you a new one.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
And I was like oh.
Speaker 5 (20:10):
He's like, do you have anything outstanding? And I was like,
you know what, I have one check that is outstanding.
He's like, do you have the number? I said no,
but I can get it for you, and he was like, okay,
hands me his business card puts a cell phone number
in the back. He's like, go ahead, and when you
get home, text me the number and then I will
clear it for you. And so I think anything of it.
I come home and tell her and she was like, mom,
he was hitting on you, and I was like, no,
(20:32):
he was not. She's like, yes, he was. Watch text
him go ahead, and I was like okay. So I
looked at the check number. I said, hey, so this
is a check number, you know, and thanks a lot.
He sends me back, You're welcome, and if you need
help with anything else, go ahead and let me know.
I said, well, like what he was like, well, whatever
you need and I was like, oh, okay, that sounds great.
Speaker 2 (20:55):
Gina stayed in touch with the bank teller and explored
in this new phase of her life.
Speaker 5 (21:02):
And then he would just start, you know, we just
start chatting and joking and then he was like, you
want to go out? And I was like yeah, so
we did. We became friends, like I knew if he
was involved with somebody, he knew if I had gotten
involved with somebody, like, but we still, you know, we
would hook up every now and then. I mean, it
was what it was.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
Gina has the same dynamic with all of her children.
She's open, she's honest, but sometimes she does wonder if
she's been too open.
Speaker 5 (21:29):
I have the same dynamic with all of them. I've
sometimes said maybe I'm too open, but then I'm like, well,
but then I'm lying about who I really am.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
And that's how I always was.
Speaker 5 (21:38):
So I don't know how to be any different. And
I'm old now they're accepting that I'm old. Now she's
not old.
Speaker 7 (21:45):
She wants to be old so she can start having excuses.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
In Scarlett's own words, she's been the parentified firstborn, meaning
at times she's played the parent role. Even though she
witnessed her parents' marriage and their divorce, she says she's
still open to marriage. She sees marriage as a choice
rooted in commitment, not obligation.
Speaker 7 (22:08):
There was a long time where I think I was
very jaded in anti marriage.
Speaker 6 (22:12):
Because as like my parents they're divorced.
Speaker 7 (22:16):
But now I see myself wanting to get married because
of the commitment. But because I'm not getting married because
somebody because I was because somebody put a baby and meat, like,
I feel a lot more empowered about making that kind
of commitment to life partnership, because that's the other thing too.
(22:37):
I don't see marriage as this thing that is necessary,
like like starts and begins with love, or starts and
ends at love.
Speaker 6 (22:42):
Like I want to be in a partnership with somebody
who I could build a business with.
Speaker 7 (22:46):
I want to be in a partnership with somebody who
in my own words, I'm always like, I want to
build an empire with the love of my life and
what that looks like I think could be so many
different things. I think, because I'm an artist, if I
choose not to have children, because going to make my
career harder, I want to make art with my partner.
That's the legacy I want to leave with my partner.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
Gina is currently in a happy, committed relationship, but knows
dating will always be an option if she ever needs it.
This mindset has positively impacted the way Scarlet views her
own relationships.
Speaker 7 (23:18):
It's that mentality too, that I think has made me
know I should not be in a relationship with anybody,
like there is no like, oh my god, it's the
only person for me.
Speaker 6 (23:28):
Like it's you.
Speaker 7 (23:30):
The relationship is with you and yourself, and like don't
dim your light for somebody else.
Speaker 5 (23:36):
As long as you are true to yourself. That's like key,
because I don't think everybody is. I think people stay
with people too long because they're afraid of the unknown,
or they're afraid they're not going to meet that other person.
And that's so not true. There's so many people out.
Speaker 6 (23:51):
There, and you might not meet yourself if you stay
in that relationship.
Speaker 2 (23:59):
What I really enjoyed learning from Scarlet and Gina today
is that it really demonstrates that our mothers are just
women creating their own lives, making their own choices, and
they have complete separate identities from us, and they're allowed
to start over whenever they want.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Next time on Senora Sex Said, we interview Bunkitzani, also
known as Indihemama.
Speaker 8 (24:30):
Our ancestors lived for pleasure. We have to enjoy the
pleasures of life. Since life is full of suffering, we
need to really enjoy the pleasure and that's the balance
of being a human.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
Nos vemos Chow.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Senora Sex Said is a coproduction between Loca Tora Productions
and Michael Tura Podcast Network.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
This show is executive produced by Mala Munos and Them.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
Also executive produced by Jaselle.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Frances, produced by Stephanie Franco.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Creative direction by Mala Munios.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
Story editing by Bosa Fem.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
Music direction by Grisol Lomeli
Speaker 1 (25:22):
And music produced by Brian Gazzo.
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