Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I do not like the way the young girls are
dressing these days. They show everything.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Mira los tempos and cambiallo they hell us. Besides, you
could learn a thing or two about fashion from them.
Try wearing something other than your bata.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
I know, but I like my bata.
Speaker 3 (00:19):
Senora Yora, Senora, Senyora, Senora, Senora, senorita, Senora, Senora Ai
Senora s So what Senora Senora Yora sa Senora, Hi, Senora.
Speaker 4 (00:33):
Welcome to the Senora sex Ed.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
Senora sex Said is not your mommy's sex talk. This
show is la platica like you've never heard it before.
We're breaking the stigma and silence around sex and sexuality
in LATINX communities. Latinas have been hyper sexualized in popular
culture but notoriously denied sex education. This podcast is an
intergenerational conversation between Latinas from gen X to gen Z.
(01:01):
We're covering everything from puberty and body image to representation
in film, television and media.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
And by the way, before we go any further, let's
define how we are using the word senora on this podcast.
We know many of you are in your so called
Senora era, and in this show we believe that a
senora is a woman with a lot of life experiences
and stories to share. Maybe she's in her thirties, maybe
she's in her forties, fifties or older. Maybe she's trans,
(01:30):
maybe she sis, Maybe she's a mother, maybe she's not.
We are your hosts and producers, Viosa and Mala.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
You might recognize us from our flagship podcast, look Atra Radio.
We've been podcasting since twenty sixteen, and since then we've
covered all kinds of topics, ranging from politics, to mental health,
current events, and of course sex. But we still have
so much to learn, which is why we're excited to
bring you Senora Sex said. We hope you listen to
(02:07):
each episode with the senoras and senoritas in your life.
Speaker 4 (02:14):
Look one, Chapter two.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Be gentle to women.
Speaker 4 (02:25):
Don't forget to humanize the woman, you know, because we don't.
We don't. We just villainize. And we learned that from
our theas and our aurulas, because they learned it from
their theas and there our weilas. That's Aiva Rodriguez. She's
a Puerto Rican Dominican stand up comedian, actor, writer, and humanist.
You'll hear about her experience growing up in a religious
(02:48):
household and how she internalized and externalized shame.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Before you hear from Ida, we want to discuss some
of her own experiences with misogyny and religion.
Speaker 1 (03:04):
When I think about misogyny and religion, I am taken
back to eighth grade religion class and our religion teacher
at the time having a conversation with all the eighth
grade girls, sitting us down and explaining that when we
went on field trips off campus that the girls we
(03:24):
needed to do our hair and make ourselves look presentable
because the boys in our class. This is a direct
quote that I will never forget, because the boys in
our class wanted to be proud of their women, and
so so as not to embarrass the eighth grade boys,
the eighth grade girls we needed to step up and
(03:46):
make ourselves more presentable.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
My memorable experience dealing with both the intersection of misogyny
and religion is also in the eighth grade with my
eighth grade teacher. Now picture this, We're twelve years old.
The hormones are raging through our bodies. We start to
be like flirty with the boys, We start to be playful.
(04:11):
We even start to kind of sit on each other's laps,
and it's very scandalous for the eighth grade teacher, and
to do that at a Catholic school. So what our
eighth grade teacher decides to do is one Friday where
we have like an early dismissal the last twenty minutes
of class, she decides she's going to play a slide
(04:34):
show about abortion. She was showing us late stage abortions
and it was very graphic and it was horrifying. And
I remember connecting the dots and thinking she's trying to
scare us so that we act right and we get
(04:56):
in line, or we're going to have one of these
abortions if we don't stop.
Speaker 4 (05:01):
Now I can look.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Back and recognize she was showing us misinformation.
Speaker 4 (05:06):
Doctored photos.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
That was very impactful for me and I'll never forget it.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
For all of our listeners, we want to provide a
trigger warning before you hear from Iva. Throughout this interview,
you'll hear mentions of sexual abuse and violence. Please take
care of yourselves and pause if you need to. Iva
speaks about how growing up in a religious household shaped
her perception of sex and sexuality.
Speaker 4 (05:39):
I grew up very religious. It was very It was
very confusing. I was born into Catholicism. Later my family
became Pentecostal, my mom mainly, and then my grandmother converted
to Seventh Day Adventism. So I was somewhere between those two.
And you know, I wasn't allowed to wear pants, I
(06:00):
couldn't shave my legs, I could have cut my hair.
Sex was something we didn't talk about.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
I know, was baptized into Catholicism, but grew up with
different sex within Christianity. She believes her mom used religion
to find something within herself.
Speaker 4 (06:15):
I was born into Catholicism because I was baptized Catholic
with a baddino and a mandina anda Catholic Church, and
they did the whole thing, the Pentecostal religion. I think
my mom was My mom had a very she just
had a very troubled and tormented life. She also was abused.
She was always trying to get out of home because
(06:38):
her abuser was in the home. And so I think
religion was somewhere that she would turn to feel I
don't know, Holly, to feel you know, pure and clean,
because so much was taken from her, and I think
that she was looking for salvation and trying to She
had been told so many problematic things about sin and sex.
(07:02):
I think she was trying to find an answer. There
was a lot of shame about having children with different fathers,
children out of wedlock, and I just think that the
women in my family were always trying to find, you know,
just to be made whole mad, you know, make an
honest woman of you through religion and going to church
(07:23):
and stuff like that.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Ida's grandmother and her mother both became moms at a
very young age. This contributed greatly to the information that
received while growing up that, along with being sexually abused,
forced to mature very quickly.
Speaker 4 (07:39):
My mom was a teen pregnancy. My grandmother was a
teen pregnancy, but it was just for my grandmother was normal.
She was from Puerto Rico, and she got pregnant the
first time when she was thirteen, she had her first child.
So for me, I learned about sex first and foremost
through being sexually abused, because I was sexually abused when
I was very little, and then through the misinformation of
(08:03):
people around me. As a result of those things, just
you know, awakening something in me that I wasn't ready
for mentally, I don't know if I was riding my
bike and just panicking because I was spotting and I
thought that my hymen broke, and I was like, they're
(08:26):
gonna kill me, you know, because I didn't have sex.
Speaker 2 (08:29):
Do you remember being warned about your hymen as a
young girl? Well, what is a hymen? Anyway to answer
that question, we're getting a house call from obg y
N Doctor Rodin.
Speaker 5 (08:44):
Oh La senor as I'm Rodin, MD, calling in to
talk to you about the hymen, oh emen. I'm a
resident physician specializing in obstetrics and gynecology. Now, before we
continue with our call, this informational segment should not be
interpret as official medical advice, and if you have any concerns,
always consult with your medical provider. Now, let's talk about
(09:06):
an emin and do some myth busting around the hymen
and the concepts of virginity. Now, well, it is the hymen.
The hymen is a normal anatomical remnant. It's a little
piece of skin that's left over from the development and
it's right at the entrance of the vagina. Now, at
the time of puberty, the hymen is supposed to naturally
regress in order to allow for menstrual blood flow to
(09:28):
come out of your body. In many cultures throughout the world, however,
a quote unquote intact hymen is considered to be a
sign of virginity. However, the reality is that the hymen
really doesn't have anything at all to do with virginity,
and in fact, if the hymen does not regress, nothing
can go in, but also nothing can come out, which
can cause some major medical problems. For instance, your hymen
(09:50):
is still intact at the time of puberty, you will
not be able to have blood flow or menstrual blood
flow come out of your body. That can cause a
backup of blood, which can cause some lower abdominal pain,
it can cause infection, it'll of course cause the lack
of a period, and sometimes this even requires surgical correction.
So if your hymen has regressed normally and you don't
(10:11):
have one, it doesn't mean that you're not a virgin
or that you have had sex. It just means that
your body did exactly what it was supposed to do.
Virginity is a social construct, but it is not a
medical concept. You want your hymen to break, it's meant
to break, and it has nothing to do with having sex.
So when you do have reaplatica with the singoititas in
your life, don't focus on the hymen. Instead of you
(10:33):
using scare tactics, focus on actual sex education, including consent,
the use of contraceptives, STI prevention, pregnancy prevention, and making
sure that young people in your life are emotionally ready
to take that next step. So don't be afraid to
use tampons, and ladies, don't be afraid to ride your bikes.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
When Iva was in middle school, her school did provide
a form of sexual education, but she was not allowed
to participate.
Speaker 4 (11:06):
And my mom didn't want me to do it because
my stepfather was like lag effect that like if she goes,
which it was absurd. I just remember my mom saying,
you know, she, first of all, you told me sex
was painful. She also told me that it was going
(11:26):
to lead to pregnancy and it was going to ruin
my life. And then they told me about lay and
fed medales. But there was no technical talk about you know,
how it happens. It was just off, fear based and
I don't think anything there was anything constructive that came
out of that conversation because then it made me, made
(11:48):
me even more afraid and awkward with boys.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
Ida eventually started dating and had sex for the first time.
She had no intention of telling her mother, but her
mother found out anyway.
Speaker 4 (12:00):
When my mother found out that I lost my virginity,
she physically beat me. She beat me like I was,
you know, somebody on the street. It was like a beatdown.
It was I can't believe you did this. Your value
is automatically gone down. Nobody's gonna want to marry you,
my boyfriend told her. She asked, and he told her
(12:23):
the truth because he was like, I'm going to marry her,
so I want to be honest without nobody consulted with
me though. That was the He didn't tell me he
was gonna tell her. She didn't tell me, she was
gonna ask him. She went into She went in to
speak to him, and they asked. She asked me to
(12:43):
step away, and then had the conversation with him privately
about me. They both had this ownership over me. That
was I mean, eventually ran me away, but it was yeah.
They had a conversation and she was like, are you
having sex with my daughter? He was like, I am
having sex with your daughter. And he didn't know he
(13:04):
thought he was being honorable and she was going to
respect that. And I was like, bro, you have no idea.
And yeah. We got in a car and my uncle
was driving. My cousin was in the car. We sat
in the back and she beat me. The whole ride
was She cried, how could you do this to me?
You know, how could you do this to you? We
got to keep this a secret. We can't let your
(13:26):
dad know. It was just a mess. It was a lot.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
I thus family was keen on shielding her from sexual education,
yet they were very invested in her maintaining her virginity.
Speaker 4 (13:38):
I was the second coming, the hope that my mother
didn't fulfilled, because my mother also lost her virginity without
before getting married, she got pregnant. I had so much
pressure on me to right all the wrongs of all
the women before me, and it was very hypo. I'm like,
you weren't a virgin. You weren't. Did you get married?
(14:00):
Why does it have to be me?
Speaker 2 (14:05):
We hope you're enjoying this conversation. Stay tuned, there's more
to come.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Thanks for sticking around.
Speaker 4 (14:14):
We are back.
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Either felt the pressure to be a ninya buena, but
did she actually go in that direction or did she
resist it.
Speaker 4 (14:25):
I battled a lot with what was nature versus nurture.
I think that instinctively, I am just pretty monogamous and
pretty calm in my ways, and I just struggle with
that because I don't know if that's they beat me
into that, or if it was that's just who I
(14:46):
was gonna be. Anyway, Did I go through my wild phase? Yeah?
I did. I did go through a wild phase, but
it didn't involve, you know, having multiple sex partners. It
was really about going out, drinking, hanging out, going to
the clubs, dating different people. I went through this phase
where I went on a date. I went on like
(15:08):
eight dates with eight different NBA players, you know, just
to flex to say that I could. I didn't have
sex with any of them, because I just I realized
that after the first date that's what they wanted. I
was like, oh, they they they buy in dinners for sex.
But it was like a flex for me to say
(15:28):
that I didn't have sex with any of them, And
I was like, why is that a Why do I
feel like that's a flex? What makes me does? How
does that make me? But special? But then I realized
that it's all those views of all that stuff that
they tell us to be able to say, I went
out with eight guys in the NBA, and I never
had sex with any of them, as if that makes
the person who did have sex. You know, it's all
(15:51):
that stuff has just been I'm unpacking it even to
this day.
Speaker 1 (15:56):
I'd just share so much about internalizing the shame. She
was taught from a young age. She and the other
girls around her were also taught to shame one another.
Speaker 4 (16:06):
These two little girls that had come from Cuba, and
culturally they were very different than the Puerto Ricans on
the block, right, because Puerto Ricans it's very common that
Puerto Ricans don't let their daughters cut their hair till
they're fifteen and shave their legs. It's a lot of religious,
a lot of Pentecostal, a lot of kojake, a lot
(16:26):
of that in there. And these Cuba girls that came,
they were already wearing makeup and like short shorts and
you know, feeling good in their little bodies. They were
just little, pretty little girls. And I was told not
to play with them because they looked like hoes, you know.
(16:46):
And sampletikas is what they would say they didn't want
me hanging out with those little girls because of the
way that they you know, the way that they presented.
They were wearing little short shorts. I wasn't allowed to
wear shortshorts as they had makeup on and all that stuff.
And I remember being told that I wasn't like them,
you know, that they were gonna, you know, they were
(17:09):
gonna be a problem in life, and they were gonna
give their parents a headache. And then the turn happened
one day when I found out that their mother didn't
want them playing with me. My mother had children that
had different fathers, and they were talking about my mom
and slut shaming my mom. Then I jumped in and
(17:31):
I was like, man, these hoes are talking about my mom.
You know this is me. I was a little kid,
and I just remember their mother walks around with all
this tight clothes and she's sleeping with somebody's husband. Like
I knew. We all knew the tea because we were everybody.
Nobody ever censored around the kids, and it was just
all this love shaming going around, and it was just
(17:52):
it was so toxic, and the only people who paid
the price were the women and the girls. You know,
body else was a villain ever, it was always us
if you cheated. If a man cheated on his wife
is because the woman trapped him into cheat, you know
what I mean. It was just never, ever, ever a
man's fault. Everything was always the girls.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Quick reminder for our listeners, there will be discussions of
sexual violence. Please take a break if you need to.
Eva approaches her writing and comedy with radical honesty, but
does she approach sex and sexuality the same way.
Speaker 4 (18:39):
I'm getting there. You know, I also was raped. So
I also had during a time that was when I
was feeling my power and I've never really talked about this,
but I feel safe. I had and the moment where
I was getting a divorce and I was getting feeling
my own power and I'm gonna do what i want
(19:01):
to do and I'm gonna start going out, I was
violently raped, and so kind of set me back a
little bit because for I blamed myself. I also, you know,
was going through oh this is what happens when you're
out here wilding out, and all of that stuff kind
of set me back a little bit, if I'm honest,
and I had to regroup and start all over again.
Speaker 2 (19:33):
Stay tuned, there's more to come.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
Thanks for sticking around.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
We are back.
Speaker 1 (19:43):
Eva described growing up with her kids. Her relationship with
both of her children has taught her a lot about
her own beliefs.
Speaker 4 (19:52):
I have a daughter, you know, and my daughter and
I have had a lot of challenges around this because
I was I tried to impose some of those beliefs
on her, and she doesn't subscribe to that the way
of thinking, and she has her own way of seeing things.
And I learned a lot from her.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
You know.
Speaker 4 (20:11):
She's been my greatest teacher about issues that have to
do with sex. You know. I grew up with my kids,
and so I remember asking my son what tea bagging
was because I didn't know. He was like, he grabbed
me by my hand and kissed me on my forehead.
He was like, oh, my little mommy, like it's such
a baby like he's he was like, you know, like
(20:31):
because he was like, I could see the innocence in me,
and he sat me down and he told me. But
they've been my greatest education because I didn't I didn't
get that at home. But I have very honest conversations
about sex.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
I the attempted to have her own version of la
platica with her daughter. Here's how it went.
Speaker 4 (20:56):
Yeah, I was also very uncomfortable, and she said that
it was very tok sick, and she told me that
it was you know, she was like, it was just
a mess. It was just a mess. And I thought
I was doing something because it was it was a
progress from my mother. But I think my fears were
in there as well, and I don't think that. You know,
(21:18):
my daughter was already getting sex education at school and
she was coming home talking about what herpes was, and
I was like, oh my god, what are you getting
this from? What is this about. We've had such a
journey about this because they've they've both helped me unpack
so much of this and release some of the guilt
and shame that I think that even physically made me
sick because I was, you know, having these horrible periods
(21:41):
and all this pain and all this trauma. And I
feel that it has to do with the emotional all
the emotional root of it all.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
What was it like for either to get this kind
of feedback from her daughter.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
I felt attacked, But through time, yeah, and therapy, just
going to myself to therapy because she would also she
was also in therapy. But yeah, there was a lot
of unhealthy views that I had that just I mean,
I even you know, to this day, I'm like, where
did that come from? Like where did where does this?
Where's the root of all of this? Like my moms
(22:16):
who told her that, you know, you know, logically it
doesn't make sense, but but for some reason, when you
put religion into it, you know there's there's a way
to get the get the information to people to receive it,
so that through fear and all that stuff.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
I then wrote a memoir titled Legitimate Kid, which details
her life, her hardships, and how she's transformed pain into laughter.
Since publishing her first book, she came to these realizations.
Speaker 4 (22:45):
Well, when I finished writing that book, I had a
lot of physical ailments and I was told by my therapist,
my physical therapist, Mama Sous that I had trauma trapped
in my body and it was trying to work itself out.
Because I have finally let some of that stuff out
writing that book and talking about that whole thing about
(23:08):
us finding legitimacy, you know, as a Latina, as a
Puerto Rican Dominican, as a woman, there was so many
different factors in many avenues of how I was trying
to find my legitimacy. I think that I really had
to put it to rest, and it was the best
(23:31):
thing that I could have done for myself is to
finally put that down and say I am legitimate. I
don't need this validation. And meeting my father was really
the stamp on that, because meeting him didn't answer questions,
it just gave brought up more, you know, And so
I was just like, oh, this idea of what needing
(23:53):
other people to give me their stamp has driven me
to so many dark places, you know, even like being
in a relationship with somebody having sex with them and
not liking the sex and feeling obligated to stay with
the person because it's the honorable thing to do because
you already had sex with them. Like I was just
like where did that come from? Like I have a
(24:16):
right to just be happy and say I'm good, you know,
I don't want to do this anymore. This whole idea
that I can't rack up numbers, you know, like, oh,
but that's another person. Like all of that stuff just
was like like I washed away in a river and
just being able to walk away from something and saying
this doesn't serve me, I don't want to do. This
is something that I was having a real hard time doing.
(24:37):
And I feel that now I don't feel that way anymore.
Like now I feel like I want my life and
I want to have agency and ownership, and I think
being able to get that out of my system was
really helpful.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
I that's relationship with her children has evolved in the
same way that her relationship with her own mother has
also changed.
Speaker 4 (24:59):
My mo I was here for six months staying with me,
and my daughter taught my mother about agency and they
would go on walks and I had a talk with
my mom. I was on the phone with her, and
I just remember her saying, well, I can do that
because I have agency. And it's because she learned it
from much she received it from my daughter. So I
(25:20):
think that, you know, she told my mom what toxic
masculinity is, and you know, just things that I don't
think she would have heard from us from her children,
but she heard it from my daughter.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
There seemed to be parallels between the grandmother granddaughter relationships
and I thus family. Aya was close to her grandmother
and now Ada's daughter is able to be honest and
teach her own grandmother a thing or two.
Speaker 4 (25:44):
My daughter is my mother's favorite person because my daughter
is very truthful with her and I was too afraid
to ever be that with my mom. But she would
be like, no, Grandma, that's not okay for you to
say that about people. That's not okay. You shouldn't say that.
That's not nice. And this is why where me, it
would be like, I can't wellet you deal said that.
You know, it's just a very different She has some
(26:06):
patience with my mom. But she can also tell my mom,
I don't want to talk right now. Is that if
that's okay? I need some space? And then, you know
that used to be framed in my family as white
people shit. They'd be like, oh, that's not white people's stuff.
How are you going to tell your mom you don't
want to talk right now or your grandmother? And now
my mom will be like, I don't want to talk
(26:28):
right now? Can I call you back later? And I'm like,
oh good.
Speaker 1 (26:32):
Either received lessons and feedback from her daughter, But has
AIDA's mother also been receptive to feedback from Aina.
Speaker 4 (26:40):
She feels guilty and it taked for her to face it.
So if she owns it, she has to face it.
But she's a lot more receptive to it than she
was before. You know, she's also done a lot of
reading and done a lot of work, and gone the
therapy and been in programs. And I think that, you know,
(27:01):
my mom has a very different way of moving in
the world because of her circumstances that I don't think
I would have survived the things my mother went through.
I think I probably would have taken my own life.
I don't know that I would be able to and
God forgive me, or the Most High or the universe,
the saints, the ancestors, whoever it is that's in charge.
(27:21):
I feel that I say that because I didn't have to,
you know, even though my daughter was like, your life
is kind of tough too, my man, like, I don't
know what makes you think that yours? You always feel
like your stuff is not ever as tough as other people.
My mom has a hard time dealing with it. And
I Commndor for the effort that she's made and the
(27:43):
apologies that she's made, and to be able to say
I didn't know, I was so sorry. You know, because
I have friends who will tell me their parents have
never apologized to them, their whole lines. And my mom
has been able to sit down with me and we've
cried together. She said I was just so wrong.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Iva shared so much about her personal journey with sex,
sexuality and learning to be kind to other.
Speaker 4 (28:08):
Women, women, be gentle with other women. I think that
it makes me want to cry. I want to think
about it because I think that we've been conditioned and
socialized to hate one another. And it's a lot of projection.
It's a lot of what we're feeling about ourselves projecting
it onto others.
Speaker 6 (28:28):
You know.
Speaker 4 (28:29):
I remember being younger, you know, I moved here with
two kids in my early twenties, divorced and just being
so hard on other women because I thought that I
had that pick me energy, like, you know, wanting to
just I wanted men to approve of me so much
(28:50):
that I would diss other women because I would be like,
I'm not like them, And that's so harmful to others.
But it's so harmful to yourself because if you give
them the power to feed you, you give them the
power to starve you. And it's such a it's such
a double edged sword. So I just women. I always
(29:11):
say poor women. This is my phrase, because women are
in a constant battle on a daily basis, and you know,
you throw in race and ethnicity and economic situation. We
don't need to pour more trauma onto each other because
it it does just boomerang back onto us. When you
(29:33):
talk about virginity and you talk about sex, and you
talk about relationships and adultery, don't forget to humanize the woman,
you know, because we don't. We don't. We just villainize.
And we learn that from our theas and are our
welas because they learned it from their theas and they're
our welas. And we have to start a new dialogue
(29:56):
so that the little babies that we love right now
and have a world that nurtures them into growth, into
their best selves, because it just keeps going.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
If after talking to Iva today, it has me thinking
about how important it is to not only be gentle
with ourselves, but like Eva mentions, being gentle with other women,
you never know when you're passing judgment on another person,
(30:31):
how or when that judgment will be passed right back
to you.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
In the next episode of Senora Sex said, we hear
from mother and Daughter duo Sizzle and Goco.
Speaker 4 (30:51):
No I.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
Thank you for listening to Senora Sex Said nos Vermos.
Speaker 1 (31:09):
Senora Sex Said is a production of Loka Thora Productions
in partnership with Iheartsmichael Dura Podcast Network.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
Executive producers are Mala Munios and Theosa Fem.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
Senora Sex Said is also executive produced by Giselle Banseth.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
Produced by Stephanie Franco, Creative director Mala Munjos, story editor Medosa.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
Music producer Brian Gazzo.
Speaker 6 (31:35):
Music director Grisol Lomeli.
Speaker 4 (32:01):
Three