In this week’s Yahoo “Ask Amy & T.J.” column, a reader asks whether she should go back to her boyfriend of 5 years. They’ve been broken up for 2 years, but now he’s suddenly got a job, an apartment and a pet and is liking all of her social media posts. Amy and T.J. have their thoughts and so do our Yahoo readers, which range from forget him to forgive him!
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, there are folks in our latest Yahoo advice column.
Why d J. That's what she calls herself. She wrote
into it. Why why d What G?
Speaker 2 (00:11):
He said?
Speaker 1 (00:11):
J Oh see, there's the thing y'all didn't know who
she was anyway, But we're gonna be accurate. Why d G?
Not why DJ? But why DJ wrote into us. She
wants our advice, and maybe you can help award some
advice as well. You see, her ex boyfriend X cheating
(00:32):
boyfriend that she broke up with two years ago, has
all of a sudden started liking a lot of her
social media posts. And on top of that, she looked
and it appears that he now has his shit together,
So she's wondering should she give him now another chance?
My advice, Calm down, robox advice girl, please, And with that,
(00:54):
welcome to this Relationship Advice edition of Amy and TJ. Robes.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
This a.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
This one is the first one we've had that we
both seem to strongly agree with what this person should do.
But this is an interesting scenario.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Yes, because you know, I think it's been two years
since they broke up, and they did date four I
believe it was five full years they were talking about marriage.
The point being is during those two years, I think
a lot of times, especially if you haven't found someone
better or you haven't really moved on, you start remembering
(01:31):
the good times and you start romanticizing what your relationship
was like. And then yes, maybe if you hear or
see he's doing well, he's got a pet, he has
a they just s he's had a pet, not a dog. Fine, yeah,
we will read the whole thing. But you start noticing
that he's doing well, and suddenly maybe you're not feeling
so great and you're thinking, maybe I need to go
(01:53):
back to that, maybe I need to return to this person.
And just from that standpoint alone, it doesn't sound like
a very good idea.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Okay, So her scenario, she wrote into us and again
with our weekly Yahoo advice column, where folks write in
with all kinds of not just we say relationships in
terms of romantic relationships, but this could be anything. This
applies to all kinds of things, friends, family. But she
wrote into us and asking Amy and TJ my ex
and I data for five years before we broke up,
(02:23):
he cheated on me with my colleague. I was rightfully upset.
We'd even started to talk about a future in marriage,
so I didn't want to give him a second chance.
But now it's been two years and I'm considering going
back to him. He seems to have made real improvements
in his life. He finally has a job, he bought
an apartment, he even has a pet. Now I'm not
(02:45):
sure how he managed to get his life in order
so quickly, but I'm happy for him. I do think
I miss him, and I've noticed he's been looking at
my social media pages a lot. He's liked almost every
single post I've made. Maybe that means should I go
back to him? Or is it a waste of time? Signed?
(03:06):
Why d G not? J huh? Is how she said?
You know what, I forgot a part of this scenario?
Where is it here? Made real improvements in his life?
He seems to have made real improve provements in my life,
and he I'm sure how he managed to get his
life in order so quickly that I don't remember the
first time around. What was it about his life with
(03:28):
you that kept him from doing well? Is the thing
that jumped in my mind a lot.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
We'll get to the viewer comments or the reader comments,
but a lot of people pointed that out.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Really I miss line.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
That sometimes like that. Actually, what if you reread, actually, YDG,
if you reread your question to us, your message to us,
you might find your answer. Right.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
We talk about this being able to separate yourself from
If you saw someone else doing this or going through this,
you would easily say, well, dugo. But when you're going
through it, and it's not taking anything away from her
feelings and where she is in life and what they
might have had, and she might still be in love
with this guy. I don't know, but the signs are there,
and some of what she's saying.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
I didn't want to give him a second chance.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
Believe yourself, Trust where you were, Trust you made a
good decision for yourself, and yes to your point, maybe
even ask yourself, why wasn't he doing well when he
was with you?
Speaker 1 (04:24):
And that's okay, that's painful. It's hard see someone get
out of a life or relationship with you and all
of a certain flourishes. That's just that's human nature, and
that's that's just tough, and.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
It's human nature. Then to be the person who actually
did the dumping, to say, wait a minute, well maybe
I want that now. Maybe now I see the best
version of him. Maybe I didn't see the best version
of him, and truthfully, he could have worked on himself.
He could have been broken hearted. We don't know all
the details about her breaking up with them, and that
could have been his catalyst to get his life in order.
(04:57):
That could have been his reasoning for saying, hey, I
need to take care of me. I have been trying
too hard to do whatever, and now I can just
focus on improving myself. And maybe he is and would
be a better partner now. And I wrote this, I
said this. I would never be the person who told
someone don't go for it, don't try for love again,
if she feels strongly about it and she really has
(05:19):
real feelings about him, and she really has forgiven him
and maybe done her own work on why the relationship
wasn't good. I know some people don't like hearing this,
but I don't think most people cheat out in a vacuum.
I think that there's a symptom of a larger problem
in the relationship. Possibly it's not always the case, but
it could be a moment or an opportunity for the
person the other person in the relationship to say, you know,
(05:42):
I'm going to take this time to improve me and
to make sure I'm a better partner, to make sure
I'm a better human just in general to myself, even
forget the other person.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
But that's not our nature to do that. It's not
just look for somebody who checks all the boxes, but
what we want instead of becoming something that extraally is
a desirable She's going to have a problem here because
he this is gonna be very difficult if he has
become now the man she wants and always wanted. But
now that he's that, she might not be the woman
that he wants, right, And that's tough. He has grown,
(06:11):
If he has, in fact, he has grown, he's different.
He has a different perspective. And there are people everybody
listening to our voices right now can think of someone
in their life that they they married to have a
long term relationship with, and now you're five or ten
years removed. Go wow, I would never be interested in
a person like that. Oh yes, you wouldn't like I
would never be attracted to that now duh. But it's
(06:34):
just where you are in the moment. And to your point,
our thing was, don't sit and wait and wonder, reach
out if you want to and get your answer. Better
to get it now then have to do this again
for another six months.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Yes, that's the first thing I would say is go ahead,
text him, DM him, take the leap and just see
where he is and see how you feel when you
meet him. I also believe this, having lived enough life
and had enough relationships, I do believe there is a
reason for some relationships. There is a season for some relationships,
and there is a lifetime for other relationships. But they
(07:08):
can't all be that. They're all going to cycle in
and out. And I also believe that the person who
you are in a relationship with your partner, they are
your best teachers and you learn the most about yourself
when you are actually committed to trying to make a
relationship work, and when it doesn't work, that is the
moment where you actually, I like to look at it
(07:30):
like this, get the opportunity to work on yourself and
be in a relationship with yourself, and then you are
going to be the best partner. It does, but I
mean it's it does sound cheesy.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
People their eyes or in one ear out the other,
because it does.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
It sounds like but we all so quickly point the
finger and all of us do this at the other person,
at the other person in a relationship. They did this
to me, so that's why I feel this way. This
happened to me, and that's why I feel this way.
But those are such opportunities to switch the narrative and say, wait,
why am I feeling this way? What can I do
(08:08):
to feel better for myself? Not expect someone else to
do it for you. And so these are just the
moments and relationships where it's sometimes breaking up is the
best thing. And who knows. I mean, he could be
feeling the same way. They both could have been working
on themselves. It's hard to know exactly where she is.
It's just by reading her question to us, it just
kind of sounds like she's filled with regret because she's
(08:32):
looking at something that she wants that she once had
and she's trying to justify it to herself instead of
actually working on improving herself and moving on.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
I asked one thing before we get into the comments
from readers and the advice they were giving. I say
this sometimes and women have called me on it when
I talk about confidence, And while I say, it sounds
so simple here, just reach out to them, Just reach
out to the guy and say hey, this is what's
going on social media texts. That's simple, get this done over.
(09:04):
We're grown folks. We ain't got time to be messing around.
And I have so many women call me on that TJ.
You make it sound like it's so simple. That is
difficult for a woman. It's difficult to make that move.
It's difficult sometimes to have that confidence to be outgoing.
Where do you come down? I guess that makes sense,
but my comeback is always, you're grown ass woman. We
don't have time for games. Ask a question. Either gonna
(09:26):
like the answer or you're not, but you're gonna have
one right now?
Speaker 2 (09:29):
You got nothing right. I think most suffering comes when
you don't know, when you're in limbo, when you're wondering,
what's he thinking, what's he feeling? Is this going to
work out? That's where you start suffering. That's when you
start spiraling. That's when you start going into worst case scenarios,
and that's when your confidence crumbles. And so when you
start feeling yourself going into that pattern, and we've all
(09:51):
been there, what you have to ask yourself in those
moments is what can I do to be the best
version of myself and the rest will fall into place.
You always say this attract, don't chase, but it shouldn't be.
It's not even a manipulative thing or a game you're playing.
It really is truly about investing in being your best self.
And when you're your best self, you are going to
be the most attractive person. You are going to have
(10:14):
a better shot at getting someone else who's also in
that space. But wondering chasing when you find yourself doing it,
and again, I have been there, I'll probably be there again.
You just can say, wait a minute, stop, stop, let's
just do this with confidence and let me actually take
a moment to believe in myself and to remind myself
(10:35):
of what a great partner I am and can be.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Well, I'm supposed to skip over the part where you
said you're gonna end up there again, where you're doing
something back and forth old or somebody you're dating. Did
I miss the.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
No, I guess no, no, no, no no. My point
is saying, I'm It's not like I make a decision
and I'm suddenly perfect from here on out. I'm saying
we all fall back into these patterns every now and then,
it's about recognizing it. When your brain starts going back
to the familiar, or your mind starts looping back to
this negative, weak position, you have to go up there,
I go again.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Stops of dating something.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Oh no, no, no, no, no no. I'm talking about
the mind games we play with ourselves.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Jeez, so fun.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
But I'm glad you asked so I could make sure
I clarify that.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
You know, once again, though, you you go through the comments,
it's mostly dudes.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
What this time, babe, I'm going to go with It
was ninety five percent max, and they were clearly masculine
names like Daniel, Steve, Ryan, you know, just like Mike.
There was no possible. It was very specific. Beaver is
the only one I don't know.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Okay, but before you read them, can you tell me
what was the general? Is there a general?
Speaker 2 (11:47):
So the few women who did write in most of
them were like cheaters are always going to cheat? What
did you expect? That kind of thing. But the men
actually had really nuanced, interesting comments that I was kind
of impressed with and surprised by.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Can we start with Beaver?
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Yes, Beaver? So Beaver says this to our friend YDG.
Let me get this straight. He cheated on her with
her friend, and now she is considering taking him back.
I don't think this woman had an active father in
her life. Perhaps her mom tolerated it. Anyone ask yourself this,
you catch the barista spitting in your coffee? Should you
(12:25):
ever consider that barista again? Yes, people change, but if
you tolerate it once, it will happen again. Seems she
seems to be a poor judge of character and needs
a new set of friends to hang out with. Sadly,
her vote is worth yours or mine is probably worth
more than yours, or mind. She's going to decide what
she wants to do. But I thought that was fairly harsh.
(12:47):
And yet I think a lot of people do think this,
like hello, stupid, don't go back. And I think that
that was a pretty common theme by a lot of folks.
She's kind of saying, duh, don't go back to him.
People can't change. I actually disagree with that. I think
people can change, and I don't think that once a cheater,
always a cheater. I think that that person probably has
(13:08):
ego is just issues to work out.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
See. I haven't gone that far to the to considering
the cheating part when they're getting back together. All I
am sticking with is you said you don't want the guy,
you say you want him. Now you want him because
he's this, this, this, this and this. Then okay, that
(13:32):
is not a consideration from cheating is not a consideration.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
She didn't even bring that up, didn't It is.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Okay if she forgave him or who knows what happened,
But it doesn't seem to be the issue. And I
don't see the issue here her asking should I go
back to a cheater or not?
Speaker 2 (13:48):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
She's saying, should I go back to my ex? Yeah,
we broke up, he cheated, but now he's this, this, this, this,
and this. She's listing all these other things that are
important to her. She's not asking about the cheating. Trust
him again.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
She didn't ask that should I.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
Give him a second chance? Could I ever? Nothing? He's
got a.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
Pet, that's so interesting pet.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
So yeah, it was a little hard, And it's hard
here because we don't know enough about the boyfriend, the
ex boyfriend to know what happened, and we've taken her
word for it. Who knows how things went down, but
let's take her at her word. He cheated, broke up.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
Okay, all right, So here's what Bill had to say
to our friend CDG. I never fully trust people asking
for advice like this to paint a clear picture of
the relationship. That's kind of what you were saying, TJ.
Relationships can be a lot more complicated than people present.
To Shay, my first wife cheated on me. I could
(14:46):
just leave it at that and look like a victim,
but I became a bit too wrapped up in my
career and didn't treat her very well. I was way
more into being me than being part of a couple.
I left her at home with two young children, and
even when I was home, I wasn't mentally there. Does
that totally excuse her cheating. I don't think so. But
I wasn't the greatest guy either. I appreciate that.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Post he gave some He just said, everybody, before you
dump on her, dump on him, let me explain my story.
I understand why. There's always some context there. That's Bills
an adult, right. He admitted to a mistake that he
made and how it might have contributed to the mistake.
Everybody else is pointing at his wife for making He
(15:31):
is taking some of that heat off of her. No,
he's anonymous here, we won't get to know who it is.
But that was. I love when people write in and
are open and honest and sharing their own experience and
how it could relate. That was. That was a good
And it's tough, and lord knows, we understand context and
complication is not as simple as it seems.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Well, I think in a lot of relationships, especially if
you can and I don't want to say claim to be,
but if you are the wronged party, if you're the
person who felt like they got cheated on and that
you were blindsided, either by someone and being unfaithful or
by someone just suddenly saying I want a divorce or
I want to, you know, break up with you, A
lot of folks will take that victim's status and say,
(16:09):
I didn't see it coming. How could he do this
to me? I do appreciate when people acknowledge and this
this is hard to do, that relationships involve two people,
and it's usually not a singular bad person and a
singular good person. Everybody does things, and some people do
worse things than others, for sure, but I just appreciate
(16:29):
the nuance.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
All right, Well, we'll come back here. There's a guy
named Ron and there's another guy named Don, and one
of them has a very important question that they think
are that they think our reader needs to ask, and
the other has a story about divorce that you need
to hear.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Welcome back everyone to ask Amy and t where we
go even deeper into our relationship advice column on Yahoo.
And this week's question came to us from a young woman.
I say, she's a young woman. I just kind of
assumed she was Why DG, That's what she says. But
she was dating her ex boyfriend for five years. They've
(17:17):
been apart for two years. He cheated on her, she says,
and that is why they broke up. But now he's
got a job, he's got a dog, he seems to
have his life together, and she is wondering if she
should go back to him.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
So, yes, or women, a guy with a dog, does
that suggests something about responsibility stability in life?
Speaker 3 (17:37):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (17:37):
I think when women, I'll speak for myself, see some
guy who we are attracted to being just loving towards
an animal or a child. There's something so sexy and
attractive about that. Maybe it's our biology. Maybe we're trained
or our biology tells us to go for be attracted
(17:58):
to a man who can nurture and take care of
another living being. That tells us we could be safe
with him, we could have children with him. So yes,
as a.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Cat or a dog and iguana doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
No, it doesn't. I mean iguana maybe a little less
but because I don't know how warm and fuzzy, yeah,
a little weird. But cat dog, yes, I that is
a very attractive quality because it shows your nurture. I think,
and I do think, we are conditioned from an evolution
standpoint to choose people who we think would take care
of us and take care of people who are vulnerable. Yeah,
(18:30):
that's very hot. That's why firefighters and lots of women
like that kind of a thing, right.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
They say, exactly, people take issue with cops.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
I stopped, sure, I stop short of cops with firefighters.
Who doesn't love a man in that kind of uniform?
That's right?
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Wellfighter calendars are.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Also all right, So we are we are. Actually we
just plucked out We love love looking at all the
comments in the Yahoo column, but we plucked out a
few of them. We just thought they're interesting conversation starters.
About this woman's dilemma, and so Ron wrote in and
said this, listen up, ask him if he is interested
(19:09):
in a future together. If so, tell him it will
require counseling. At counseling, You're going to ask tough, core questions.
Be ready as he may have some for you. At counseling,
you can find out if you still want a future relationship.
But the key is both being honest. And then it's funny,
he said. Arrive at counseling separately, good luck. Why maybe
(19:35):
you have time to really think about what you want
to say and what you want to understand when you
arrive separate, and then when you come together you're ready
versus if you go together, or you're thinking about what
the other person's going to say or do, and maybe
you kind of get wrapped up in the US and
we versus. What do I need? What do I want
to hear? What do I want to know? That's my
(19:55):
only guess because I've never heard that before. Arrive at
counseling separately.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Yeah, I think you've talked about this. You've in some
points in your life done some relationship counseling. Have you
done it physically?
Speaker 2 (20:05):
I absolutely haven.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
And its not just a matter of romantic relationships. I
could point out as well, that's true in all of
those did you ride with the person to the place?
Speaker 2 (20:16):
In one instance, I remember not because I was coming
from work, so that was different. But yeah, it is
kind of weird going with the person who you were
having an issue with. I guess I feel like I
have gone separately most of the time and met them there.
H yeah, I actually think so.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
What is a conversation on the way to therapy with
the person who's going to It's.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
Kind of like, okay, so before we get in front
of the microphone, and even when we were on television,
one of the kind of golden cardinal rules is to
not talk before you talk, because then somehow it's not
either as authentic or it doesn't feel as real. So
you just you save it. You've even said this to
me when we were having an issue. Let's just not
(21:02):
talk about this unless it's in front of a license professional.
So then, okay, if you're not going to talk about
what you're about to talk about because you want to
make sure that the right person's listening and helping you navigate,
maybe even referee, what do you talk about awkward small
talk like weather's hot today? Like what do you do now?
Speaker 1 (21:22):
You don't go to therapy hating each other?
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Do you? Well, no, but you're uncomfortable. Probably if you're
getting to that point, you're a little uncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (21:30):
Isn't the thing with the therapy is that where we
can function just fine, dinner together, we can watch a
movie together, but we have this issue we need to
work on. So it's just that issue or I don't know,
I guess I have I.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
Feel like so you know, obviously my my other relationships
have ended, so it was interesting for me in therapy.
It actually, I feel like, made things worse in a
lot of ways because it opened things up to an
even deeper level, which made it even more obvious that
things were not going to work out. Like I feel
(22:01):
like it was a scary thing to go because you
have to be willing to accept what the outcome is.
And sometimes you find out turns out we have nothing
in common, turns out we don't agree on anything sometimes
sometimes and sometimes well, and that doesn't last if you
don't have the other things like respect and friendship. Love
(22:27):
is a feeling. I actually really think I don't know
that it's a When it's an action, it's different and
it has to have other things behind it to survive.
I believe done end. Sorry, we went to therapy with ourselves,
all right? So yes, let's move on to oh yeah,
because I skipped to Ron, Here's Don. I like Don's
(22:48):
first line. We are all imperfect, and sometimes we genuinely
make mistakes. Being too quick to break up can be
disastrous for an individual. We should instead learn to be forgiving.
Forgiveness is the key, not breakup. I made a mistake,
which was partially due to my wife's error, and went
with another lady. This was an error and I would
(23:10):
have in no way continued what happened. I loved my
wife and children. She was very tough with me and
filed for a divorce. The judge gave her no alimony
nor any share in the house. I did all I
could to seek her forgiveness, but she wouldn't. Those who
say she should not go back might be making a mistake.
I think he still loves her, and that's why he
(23:30):
keeps looking at her posts. My suggestion is that she
has a conversation with him and be willing to forgive.
Life would be better with more forgiveness. We all, inherit sin,
are imperfect and will make mistakes. Be forgiving calm.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
That's very calm and measured response. And I think the
key there is I think everybody have to agree. I
know you said some women wrote in that leave no
way you go back to him.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
But he's I think we all just could have conversation
with him. I think can we not just universally agree
everyone have a conversation?
Speaker 2 (24:04):
Yeah, you know, I got again. I sound so cheesy,
but I got chills reading that because we can all, yes,
we all want that for ourselves. We can all apply
that to someone else in our lives instead of holding
on to this hate or needing them to be wrong,
or needing them to have wronged, you to feel like
you have purpose. A lot of times, you know, being
(24:25):
a victim and maybe even wallowing in that gives you
some sense of purpose and belonging and a reason to
wake up to be angry. Like people actually get used
to feeling that way, and letting it go can go
a long way. I mean, this writer, this person who
wrote in I feel his pain that he is truly
(24:46):
sorry and made a mistake and I do think sometimes
it's obviously more than just the mistake. I'm sure their
marriage had much more significant complications which led to all
of the above, but it felt heartfelt what he but
he wrote in it's a good.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
One to end on and please don't make him say.
Anybody who say cheating is an absolute deal breaker understand that. Yeah,
absolutely understand that. But she's got to get to a point.
I don't know if she has forgiven them, but you
can forgive them and still move on. Just because you
forgive them doesn't need you have to be with them.
(25:21):
And yeah, you can be with them if you're still
working to forgive them. All those things can happen. And
I just wanted to talk to the guy I do too,
Just ask a simple question. His response, His response might be, oh,
my girlfriend, I just got engaged. Who knows what he's
gonna say.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
But she'll know and she'll have closure. Either way, she'll
either know that there's an opportunity or this is the
end and that's okay. And maybe they can even have
a kind of a wonderful parting conversation that didn't end
with finger pointing and anger, but instead with acceptance and understanding.
I think that would be a beautifull way either way
to end this. But I actually would love we would
(26:04):
love to hear why DG. Why wouldn't you love to
know what she does? Oh?
Speaker 1 (26:08):
Yeah, we're gonna find that. We have to we have
to follow up on this one. This is one everybody's
very like. This is something very actionable, like one movie
has some other people writing he's eh, you know, just
don't change. Just about this advice and about how this
is an action This is the most actionable advice we've given.
Talk to the guy.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Yeah, so Natalie is our producer. We're gonna see if
we can follow up with why DG? And if we
can find out what she decided to do or what
she decided not to do, we will pass it along
to you all. But in the meantime, we hope that
you got some some level of understanding and some just
it's it's interesting to hear, and it's nice to know
that we're all not alone in this messy thing called relationships.
(26:48):
That we all want perfect ones, but none of us
have them, and and maybe we can all learn from
each other. So thanks for listening to us on this Saturday.
We hope you have a wonderful weekend. I'm Amy roboch On,
behalf of TJ Holmes. Thanks for listening.
Hey, there are folks in our latest Yahoo advice column.
Why d J. That's what she calls herself. She wrote
into it. Why why d What G?
Speaker 2 (00:11):
He said?
Speaker 1 (00:11):
J Oh see, there's the thing y'all didn't know who
she was anyway, But we're gonna be accurate. Why d G?
Not why DJ? But why DJ wrote into us. She
wants our advice, and maybe you can help award some
advice as well. You see, her ex boyfriend X cheating
(00:32):
boyfriend that she broke up with two years ago, has
all of a sudden started liking a lot of her
social media posts. And on top of that, she looked
and it appears that he now has his shit together,
So she's wondering should she give him now another chance?
My advice, Calm down, robox advice girl, please, And with that,
(00:54):
welcome to this Relationship Advice edition of Amy and TJ. Robes.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
This a.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
This one is the first one we've had that we
both seem to strongly agree with what this person should do.
But this is an interesting scenario.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
Yes, because you know, I think it's been two years
since they broke up, and they did date four I
believe it was five full years they were talking about marriage.
The point being is during those two years, I think
a lot of times, especially if you haven't found someone
better or you haven't really moved on, you start remembering
(01:31):
the good times and you start romanticizing what your relationship
was like. And then yes, maybe if you hear or
see he's doing well, he's got a pet, he has
a they just s he's had a pet, not a dog. Fine, yeah,
we will read the whole thing. But you start noticing
that he's doing well, and suddenly maybe you're not feeling
so great and you're thinking, maybe I need to go
(01:53):
back to that, maybe I need to return to this person.
And just from that standpoint alone, it doesn't sound like
a very good idea.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Okay, So her scenario, she wrote into us and again
with our weekly Yahoo advice column, where folks write in
with all kinds of not just we say relationships in
terms of romantic relationships, but this could be anything. This
applies to all kinds of things, friends, family. But she
wrote into us and asking Amy and TJ my ex
and I data for five years before we broke up,
(02:23):
he cheated on me with my colleague. I was rightfully upset.
We'd even started to talk about a future in marriage,
so I didn't want to give him a second chance.
But now it's been two years and I'm considering going
back to him. He seems to have made real improvements
in his life. He finally has a job, he bought
an apartment, he even has a pet. Now I'm not
(02:45):
sure how he managed to get his life in order
so quickly, but I'm happy for him. I do think
I miss him, and I've noticed he's been looking at
my social media pages a lot. He's liked almost every
single post I've made. Maybe that means should I go
back to him? Or is it a waste of time? Signed?
(03:06):
Why d G not? J huh? Is how she said?
You know what, I forgot a part of this scenario?
Where is it here? Made real improvements in his life?
He seems to have made real improve provements in my life,
and he I'm sure how he managed to get his
life in order so quickly that I don't remember the
first time around. What was it about his life with
(03:28):
you that kept him from doing well? Is the thing
that jumped in my mind a lot.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
We'll get to the viewer comments or the reader comments,
but a lot of people pointed that out.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
Really I miss line.
Speaker 2 (03:38):
That sometimes like that. Actually, what if you reread, actually, YDG,
if you reread your question to us, your message to us,
you might find your answer. Right.
Speaker 1 (03:52):
We talk about this being able to separate yourself from
If you saw someone else doing this or going through this,
you would easily say, well, dugo. But when you're going
through it, and it's not taking anything away from her
feelings and where she is in life and what they
might have had, and she might still be in love
with this guy. I don't know, but the signs are there,
and some of what she's saying.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
I didn't want to give him a second chance.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
Believe yourself, Trust where you were, Trust you made a
good decision for yourself, and yes to your point, maybe
even ask yourself, why wasn't he doing well when he
was with you?
Speaker 1 (04:24):
And that's okay, that's painful. It's hard see someone get
out of a life or relationship with you and all
of a certain flourishes. That's just that's human nature, and
that's that's just tough, and.
Speaker 2 (04:37):
It's human nature. Then to be the person who actually
did the dumping, to say, wait a minute, well maybe
I want that now. Maybe now I see the best
version of him. Maybe I didn't see the best version
of him, and truthfully, he could have worked on himself.
He could have been broken hearted. We don't know all
the details about her breaking up with them, and that
could have been his catalyst to get his life in order.
(04:57):
That could have been his reasoning for saying, hey, I
need to take care of me. I have been trying
too hard to do whatever, and now I can just
focus on improving myself. And maybe he is and would
be a better partner now. And I wrote this, I
said this. I would never be the person who told
someone don't go for it, don't try for love again,
if she feels strongly about it and she really has
(05:19):
real feelings about him, and she really has forgiven him
and maybe done her own work on why the relationship
wasn't good. I know some people don't like hearing this,
but I don't think most people cheat out in a vacuum.
I think that there's a symptom of a larger problem
in the relationship. Possibly it's not always the case, but
it could be a moment or an opportunity for the
person the other person in the relationship to say, you know,
(05:42):
I'm going to take this time to improve me and
to make sure I'm a better partner, to make sure
I'm a better human just in general to myself, even
forget the other person.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
But that's not our nature to do that. It's not
just look for somebody who checks all the boxes, but
what we want instead of becoming something that extraally is
a desirable She's going to have a problem here because
he this is gonna be very difficult if he has
become now the man she wants and always wanted. But
now that he's that, she might not be the woman
that he wants, right, And that's tough. He has grown,
(06:11):
If he has, in fact, he has grown, he's different.
He has a different perspective. And there are people everybody
listening to our voices right now can think of someone
in their life that they they married to have a
long term relationship with, and now you're five or ten
years removed. Go wow, I would never be interested in
a person like that. Oh yes, you wouldn't like I
would never be attracted to that now duh. But it's
(06:34):
just where you are in the moment. And to your point,
our thing was, don't sit and wait and wonder, reach
out if you want to and get your answer. Better
to get it now then have to do this again
for another six months.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
Yes, that's the first thing I would say is go ahead,
text him, DM him, take the leap and just see
where he is and see how you feel when you
meet him. I also believe this, having lived enough life
and had enough relationships, I do believe there is a
reason for some relationships. There is a season for some relationships,
and there is a lifetime for other relationships. But they
(07:08):
can't all be that. They're all going to cycle in
and out. And I also believe that the person who
you are in a relationship with your partner, they are
your best teachers and you learn the most about yourself
when you are actually committed to trying to make a
relationship work, and when it doesn't work, that is the
moment where you actually, I like to look at it
(07:30):
like this, get the opportunity to work on yourself and
be in a relationship with yourself, and then you are
going to be the best partner. It does, but I
mean it's it does sound cheesy.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
People their eyes or in one ear out the other,
because it does.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
It sounds like but we all so quickly point the
finger and all of us do this at the other person,
at the other person in a relationship. They did this
to me, so that's why I feel this way. This
happened to me, and that's why I feel this way.
But those are such opportunities to switch the narrative and say, wait,
why am I feeling this way? What can I do
(08:08):
to feel better for myself? Not expect someone else to
do it for you. And so these are just the
moments and relationships where it's sometimes breaking up is the
best thing. And who knows. I mean, he could be
feeling the same way. They both could have been working
on themselves. It's hard to know exactly where she is.
It's just by reading her question to us, it just
kind of sounds like she's filled with regret because she's
(08:32):
looking at something that she wants that she once had
and she's trying to justify it to herself instead of
actually working on improving herself and moving on.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
I asked one thing before we get into the comments
from readers and the advice they were giving. I say
this sometimes and women have called me on it when
I talk about confidence, And while I say, it sounds
so simple here, just reach out to them, Just reach
out to the guy and say hey, this is what's
going on social media texts. That's simple, get this done over.
(09:04):
We're grown folks. We ain't got time to be messing around.
And I have so many women call me on that TJ.
You make it sound like it's so simple. That is
difficult for a woman. It's difficult to make that move.
It's difficult sometimes to have that confidence to be outgoing.
Where do you come down? I guess that makes sense,
but my comeback is always, you're grown ass woman. We
don't have time for games. Ask a question. Either gonna
(09:26):
like the answer or you're not, but you're gonna have
one right now?
Speaker 2 (09:29):
You got nothing right. I think most suffering comes when
you don't know, when you're in limbo, when you're wondering,
what's he thinking, what's he feeling? Is this going to
work out? That's where you start suffering. That's when you
start spiraling. That's when you start going into worst case scenarios,
and that's when your confidence crumbles. And so when you
start feeling yourself going into that pattern, and we've all
(09:51):
been there, what you have to ask yourself in those
moments is what can I do to be the best
version of myself and the rest will fall into place.
You always say this attract, don't chase, but it shouldn't be.
It's not even a manipulative thing or a game you're playing.
It really is truly about investing in being your best self.
And when you're your best self, you are going to
be the most attractive person. You are going to have
(10:14):
a better shot at getting someone else who's also in
that space. But wondering chasing when you find yourself doing it,
and again, I have been there, I'll probably be there again.
You just can say, wait a minute, stop, stop, let's
just do this with confidence and let me actually take
a moment to believe in myself and to remind myself
(10:35):
of what a great partner I am and can be.
Speaker 1 (10:39):
Well, I'm supposed to skip over the part where you
said you're gonna end up there again, where you're doing
something back and forth old or somebody you're dating. Did
I miss the.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
No, I guess no, no, no, no no. My point
is saying, I'm It's not like I make a decision
and I'm suddenly perfect from here on out. I'm saying
we all fall back into these patterns every now and then,
it's about recognizing it. When your brain starts going back
to the familiar, or your mind starts looping back to
this negative, weak position, you have to go up there,
I go again.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Stops of dating something.
Speaker 2 (11:08):
Oh no, no, no, no, no no. I'm talking about
the mind games we play with ourselves.
Speaker 1 (11:13):
Jeez, so fun.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
But I'm glad you asked so I could make sure
I clarify that.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
You know, once again, though, you you go through the comments,
it's mostly dudes.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
What this time, babe, I'm going to go with It
was ninety five percent max, and they were clearly masculine
names like Daniel, Steve, Ryan, you know, just like Mike.
There was no possible. It was very specific. Beaver is
the only one I don't know.
Speaker 1 (11:41):
Okay, but before you read them, can you tell me
what was the general? Is there a general?
Speaker 2 (11:47):
So the few women who did write in most of
them were like cheaters are always going to cheat? What
did you expect? That kind of thing. But the men
actually had really nuanced, interesting comments that I was kind
of impressed with and surprised by.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Can we start with Beaver?
Speaker 2 (12:03):
Yes, Beaver? So Beaver says this to our friend YDG.
Let me get this straight. He cheated on her with
her friend, and now she is considering taking him back.
I don't think this woman had an active father in
her life. Perhaps her mom tolerated it. Anyone ask yourself this,
you catch the barista spitting in your coffee? Should you
(12:25):
ever consider that barista again? Yes, people change, but if
you tolerate it once, it will happen again. Seems she
seems to be a poor judge of character and needs
a new set of friends to hang out with. Sadly,
her vote is worth yours or mine is probably worth
more than yours, or mind. She's going to decide what
she wants to do. But I thought that was fairly harsh.
(12:47):
And yet I think a lot of people do think this,
like hello, stupid, don't go back. And I think that
that was a pretty common theme by a lot of folks.
She's kind of saying, duh, don't go back to him.
People can't change. I actually disagree with that. I think
people can change, and I don't think that once a cheater,
always a cheater. I think that that person probably has
(13:08):
ego is just issues to work out.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
See. I haven't gone that far to the to considering
the cheating part when they're getting back together. All I
am sticking with is you said you don't want the guy,
you say you want him. Now you want him because
he's this, this, this, this and this. Then okay, that
(13:32):
is not a consideration from cheating is not a consideration.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
She didn't even bring that up, didn't It is.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Okay if she forgave him or who knows what happened,
But it doesn't seem to be the issue. And I
don't see the issue here her asking should I go
back to a cheater or not?
Speaker 2 (13:48):
That's true.
Speaker 1 (13:48):
She's saying, should I go back to my ex? Yeah,
we broke up, he cheated, but now he's this, this, this, this,
and this. She's listing all these other things that are
important to her. She's not asking about the cheating. Trust
him again.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
She didn't ask that should I.
Speaker 1 (14:05):
Give him a second chance? Could I ever? Nothing? He's
got a.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
Pet, that's so interesting pet.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
So yeah, it was a little hard, And it's hard
here because we don't know enough about the boyfriend, the
ex boyfriend to know what happened, and we've taken her
word for it. Who knows how things went down, but
let's take her at her word. He cheated, broke up.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
Okay, all right, So here's what Bill had to say
to our friend CDG. I never fully trust people asking
for advice like this to paint a clear picture of
the relationship. That's kind of what you were saying, TJ.
Relationships can be a lot more complicated than people present.
To Shay, my first wife cheated on me. I could
(14:46):
just leave it at that and look like a victim,
but I became a bit too wrapped up in my
career and didn't treat her very well. I was way
more into being me than being part of a couple.
I left her at home with two young children, and
even when I was home, I wasn't mentally there. Does
that totally excuse her cheating. I don't think so. But
I wasn't the greatest guy either. I appreciate that.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Post he gave some He just said, everybody, before you
dump on her, dump on him, let me explain my story.
I understand why. There's always some context there. That's Bills
an adult, right. He admitted to a mistake that he
made and how it might have contributed to the mistake.
Everybody else is pointing at his wife for making He
(15:31):
is taking some of that heat off of her. No,
he's anonymous here, we won't get to know who it is.
But that was. I love when people write in and
are open and honest and sharing their own experience and
how it could relate. That was. That was a good
And it's tough, and lord knows, we understand context and
complication is not as simple as it seems.
Speaker 2 (15:48):
Well, I think in a lot of relationships, especially if
you can and I don't want to say claim to be,
but if you are the wronged party, if you're the
person who felt like they got cheated on and that
you were blindsided, either by someone and being unfaithful or
by someone just suddenly saying I want a divorce or
I want to, you know, break up with you, A
lot of folks will take that victim's status and say,
(16:09):
I didn't see it coming. How could he do this
to me? I do appreciate when people acknowledge and this
this is hard to do, that relationships involve two people,
and it's usually not a singular bad person and a
singular good person. Everybody does things, and some people do
worse things than others, for sure, but I just appreciate
(16:29):
the nuance.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
All right, Well, we'll come back here. There's a guy
named Ron and there's another guy named Don, and one
of them has a very important question that they think
are that they think our reader needs to ask, and
the other has a story about divorce that you need
to hear.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
Welcome back everyone to ask Amy and t where we
go even deeper into our relationship advice column on Yahoo.
And this week's question came to us from a young woman.
I say, she's a young woman. I just kind of
assumed she was Why DG, That's what she says. But
she was dating her ex boyfriend for five years. They've
(17:17):
been apart for two years. He cheated on her, she says,
and that is why they broke up. But now he's
got a job, he's got a dog, he seems to
have his life together, and she is wondering if she
should go back to him.
Speaker 1 (17:30):
So, yes, or women, a guy with a dog, does
that suggests something about responsibility stability in life?
Speaker 3 (17:37):
Yes?
Speaker 2 (17:37):
I think when women, I'll speak for myself, see some
guy who we are attracted to being just loving towards
an animal or a child. There's something so sexy and
attractive about that. Maybe it's our biology. Maybe we're trained
or our biology tells us to go for be attracted
(17:58):
to a man who can nurture and take care of
another living being. That tells us we could be safe
with him, we could have children with him. So yes,
as a.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Cat or a dog and iguana doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (18:08):
No, it doesn't. I mean iguana maybe a little less
but because I don't know how warm and fuzzy, yeah,
a little weird. But cat dog, yes, I that is
a very attractive quality because it shows your nurture. I think,
and I do think, we are conditioned from an evolution
standpoint to choose people who we think would take care
of us and take care of people who are vulnerable. Yeah,
(18:30):
that's very hot. That's why firefighters and lots of women
like that kind of a thing, right.
Speaker 1 (18:35):
They say, exactly, people take issue with cops.
Speaker 2 (18:39):
I stopped, sure, I stop short of cops with firefighters.
Who doesn't love a man in that kind of uniform?
That's right?
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Wellfighter calendars are.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
Also all right, So we are we are. Actually we
just plucked out We love love looking at all the
comments in the Yahoo column, but we plucked out a
few of them. We just thought they're interesting conversation starters.
About this woman's dilemma, and so Ron wrote in and
said this, listen up, ask him if he is interested
(19:09):
in a future together. If so, tell him it will
require counseling. At counseling, You're going to ask tough, core questions.
Be ready as he may have some for you. At counseling,
you can find out if you still want a future relationship.
But the key is both being honest. And then it's funny,
he said. Arrive at counseling separately, good luck. Why maybe
(19:35):
you have time to really think about what you want
to say and what you want to understand when you
arrive separate, and then when you come together you're ready
versus if you go together, or you're thinking about what
the other person's going to say or do, and maybe
you kind of get wrapped up in the US and
we versus. What do I need? What do I want
to hear? What do I want to know? That's my
(19:55):
only guess because I've never heard that before. Arrive at
counseling separately.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Yeah, I think you've talked about this. You've in some
points in your life done some relationship counseling. Have you
done it physically?
Speaker 2 (20:05):
I absolutely haven.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
And its not just a matter of romantic relationships. I
could point out as well, that's true in all of
those did you ride with the person to the place?
Speaker 2 (20:16):
In one instance, I remember not because I was coming
from work, so that was different. But yeah, it is
kind of weird going with the person who you were
having an issue with. I guess I feel like I
have gone separately most of the time and met them there.
H yeah, I actually think so.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
What is a conversation on the way to therapy with
the person who's going to It's.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
Kind of like, okay, so before we get in front
of the microphone, and even when we were on television,
one of the kind of golden cardinal rules is to
not talk before you talk, because then somehow it's not
either as authentic or it doesn't feel as real. So
you just you save it. You've even said this to
me when we were having an issue. Let's just not
(21:02):
talk about this unless it's in front of a license professional.
So then, okay, if you're not going to talk about
what you're about to talk about because you want to
make sure that the right person's listening and helping you navigate,
maybe even referee, what do you talk about awkward small
talk like weather's hot today? Like what do you do now?
Speaker 1 (21:22):
You don't go to therapy hating each other?
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Do you? Well, no, but you're uncomfortable. Probably if you're
getting to that point, you're a little uncomfortable.
Speaker 1 (21:30):
Isn't the thing with the therapy is that where we
can function just fine, dinner together, we can watch a
movie together, but we have this issue we need to
work on. So it's just that issue or I don't know,
I guess I have I.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
Feel like so you know, obviously my my other relationships
have ended, so it was interesting for me in therapy.
It actually, I feel like, made things worse in a
lot of ways because it opened things up to an
even deeper level, which made it even more obvious that
things were not going to work out. Like I feel
(22:01):
like it was a scary thing to go because you
have to be willing to accept what the outcome is.
And sometimes you find out turns out we have nothing
in common, turns out we don't agree on anything sometimes
sometimes and sometimes well, and that doesn't last if you
don't have the other things like respect and friendship. Love
(22:27):
is a feeling. I actually really think I don't know
that it's a When it's an action, it's different and
it has to have other things behind it to survive.
I believe done end. Sorry, we went to therapy with ourselves,
all right? So yes, let's move on to oh yeah,
because I skipped to Ron, Here's Don. I like Don's
(22:48):
first line. We are all imperfect, and sometimes we genuinely
make mistakes. Being too quick to break up can be
disastrous for an individual. We should instead learn to be forgiving.
Forgiveness is the key, not breakup. I made a mistake,
which was partially due to my wife's error, and went
with another lady. This was an error and I would
(23:10):
have in no way continued what happened. I loved my
wife and children. She was very tough with me and
filed for a divorce. The judge gave her no alimony
nor any share in the house. I did all I
could to seek her forgiveness, but she wouldn't. Those who
say she should not go back might be making a mistake.
I think he still loves her, and that's why he
(23:30):
keeps looking at her posts. My suggestion is that she
has a conversation with him and be willing to forgive.
Life would be better with more forgiveness. We all, inherit sin,
are imperfect and will make mistakes. Be forgiving calm.
Speaker 1 (23:47):
That's very calm and measured response. And I think the
key there is I think everybody have to agree. I
know you said some women wrote in that leave no
way you go back to him.
Speaker 2 (23:56):
Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Speaker 1 (23:57):
But he's I think we all just could have conversation
with him. I think can we not just universally agree
everyone have a conversation?
Speaker 2 (24:04):
Yeah, you know, I got again. I sound so cheesy,
but I got chills reading that because we can all, yes,
we all want that for ourselves. We can all apply
that to someone else in our lives instead of holding
on to this hate or needing them to be wrong,
or needing them to have wronged, you to feel like
you have purpose. A lot of times, you know, being
(24:25):
a victim and maybe even wallowing in that gives you
some sense of purpose and belonging and a reason to
wake up to be angry. Like people actually get used
to feeling that way, and letting it go can go
a long way. I mean, this writer, this person who
wrote in I feel his pain that he is truly
(24:46):
sorry and made a mistake and I do think sometimes
it's obviously more than just the mistake. I'm sure their
marriage had much more significant complications which led to all
of the above, but it felt heartfelt what he but
he wrote in it's a good.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
One to end on and please don't make him say.
Anybody who say cheating is an absolute deal breaker understand that. Yeah,
absolutely understand that. But she's got to get to a point.
I don't know if she has forgiven them, but you
can forgive them and still move on. Just because you
forgive them doesn't need you have to be with them.
(25:21):
And yeah, you can be with them if you're still
working to forgive them. All those things can happen. And
I just wanted to talk to the guy I do too,
Just ask a simple question. His response, His response might be, oh,
my girlfriend, I just got engaged. Who knows what he's
gonna say.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
But she'll know and she'll have closure. Either way, she'll
either know that there's an opportunity or this is the
end and that's okay. And maybe they can even have
a kind of a wonderful parting conversation that didn't end
with finger pointing and anger, but instead with acceptance and understanding.
I think that would be a beautifull way either way
to end this. But I actually would love we would
(26:04):
love to hear why DG. Why wouldn't you love to
know what she does? Oh?
Speaker 1 (26:08):
Yeah, we're gonna find that. We have to we have
to follow up on this one. This is one everybody's
very like. This is something very actionable, like one movie
has some other people writing he's eh, you know, just
don't change. Just about this advice and about how this
is an action This is the most actionable advice we've given.
Talk to the guy.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Yeah, so Natalie is our producer. We're gonna see if
we can follow up with why DG? And if we
can find out what she decided to do or what
she decided not to do, we will pass it along
to you all. But in the meantime, we hope that
you got some some level of understanding and some just
it's it's interesting to hear, and it's nice to know
that we're all not alone in this messy thing called relationships.
(26:48):
That we all want perfect ones, but none of us
have them, and and maybe we can all learn from
each other. So thanks for listening to us on this Saturday.
We hope you have a wonderful weekend. I'm Amy roboch On,
behalf of TJ Holmes. Thanks for listening.
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