August 28, 2025 • 20 mins
Amy and T.J. go through readers’ advice to Kai after she asks if she should tell her parents about a year long relationship with a man outside of her culture, before they get engaged. Some readers think Kai should grow up and live her own life, while others take issue with Amy and T.J.’s advice to Kai.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey there, folks. It is Thursday, August twenty eighth, and
we got some of the strongest, I mean, most heated
pushback to some advice we gave one of our readers
who wrote into our Yahoo column looking for some advice,
and with that, welcome to this relationship edition of Amy
(00:23):
and TJ and Robes. We have had a good time.
People have strong opinions, but you this in particular our
latest Yahoo column, a young lady writing into us asking
for help with her soon to be possibly fiance and
meeting her parents for the first time. Blah blah blah.
But people took issue in the strongest of terms. You
were just explaining to me with our advice.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Yes, well, yes there was some very harsh advice, but
also taking issue with the advice we gave Kai, which
was to yay, yes, tell your parents, be celebratory, be positive,
and do it sooner rather than later, and not to
waste any time. A lot of folks just don't think
that parents need to be getting involved period and don't
(01:06):
think that parents should have a say. Maybe an opinion's
one thing, but actually be able to be the final
say whether or not you pursue or continue a relationship
with someone. People took a real issue with that, even
though Kai very specifically noted that it was her culture
and that the person she's dating is outside of her culture.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Okay, so it's fair to say, then, before we read
in full what Kai wrote into us, the question not
just people were they might have been most heeded in
their response to us, but this might have been one
they were more heated. It sounds like in their response
to Kai, a reader saying, you're ridiculous for this scenario,
almost even right.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
And I think a lot of people were taking it
from the American vantage point, where if you, I, and
we both said this, at least we've said this to
one another. I don't know what that's like to have
a culture so tightly knit where yes, it is required
(02:08):
that you get approval from your parents, and oftentimes in
some of these cultures and we don't know which one
she's from, there are arranged marriages still in plenty of
cultures around the world, so parents not only get a say,
they actually tell you the child who you're going to marry.
And frankly, a lot of debate out there as to
whether or not that's the odds are the same if
(02:29):
not even better in terms of marriage and divorce rates.
And maybe it's the community, and maybe it's the pressure
to stay married no matter what, but no one can
say that that's a less successful way forward.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
So with that as the backdrop, with that in mind,
and with that context, Kai wrote into us again. You
can find our Yahoo column Yahoo dot com in the
life section. We have a new one for you every
week and a new topic. And again Kai is our
reader this week and the topic and it really became
a point of contention for a lot of folks. But
she writes in amy and ts, I'm in my late twenties.
I've been dating my partner for almost a year. I'm
(03:03):
headed over heels and truly believe he might be though
on the problem is my parents. I come from a
culture where family approval is considered essential before marriage. Because
my partner and I come from different backgrounds, I worry
that my parents won't accept him. They don't even know
I'm in a serious relationship. I'm torn between telling them
(03:26):
now or waiting until we're engaged. I don't want to
cause unnecessary conflict, but I also don't want to keep
such a big part of my life from them. What
would you do in my position Kai, both of us robes,
I think we were kind of in agreement on what
our advice was there.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Yes, and that family is important and that having your
family support your relationship is a good thing and having
them not support it is not a good thing. That
can be It's not the end all be all, but
certainly it doesn't help and it could only hinder a
relationship moving forward. So if you still have an opportunity
to get your family behind you and behind your relationship,
(04:03):
you should absolutely go for it. And the longer she waits,
the bigger adjustment and bigger difficulty that might be for
that acceptance.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Yes, and we were very clear and based on experience
as well, I think these are your parents, This is
your family. They love you, and they might surprise you
how they react and how they embrace. And yes, there
are going to be some hurt feelings that you didn't
come to them. Yes they're going to be a little
upset by that, but you're their child. They love you,
and that's I really do believe. Again, we've lived enough
life and experienced enough to where we have seen worry
(04:34):
about what a parent might do. But your parents love you,
and so that was our advice. But Robes you, as
people know we've been listening, you are the one that
goes through the comments. I hear them usually for the
first time when you read them to me here, so
I'm curious what the reaction was.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Yes, your reaction will be genuine and immediate, actually once
you hear all of these. But it's been funn men women,
mostly men. It's so funny right in and leave comments
along the section, but I have a blast reading them.
So the first comment comes from Rod, and Rod says
this to Kai. We are not indebted to our parents
(05:12):
by any stretch of the imagination. You're not property, whether
they plan for you or not. I didn't ask my
wife's father for her hand, and I don't care if
it upset any of her family. We're on twenty plus
years of marital bliss.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Okay, and that's fine, And that's okay, and that works.
I love that you give Kai something to think about,
but can't attack her for her situation possibly being different
from yours. We look everybody listening who grew up in
the United States of America has no concept for the
most part of what that means to be obligated almost
(05:51):
how does she say it in her thing? I'm it's essential.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
She said, it's essential, it's essential.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
We don't have any concept of that.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Necessarily, No, I don't have any concept of that, and
in fact, you know, but I do get what Rod
is saying about being property. I have always kind of
taken issue. I know, I don't want to upset traditionalists
out there, and certainly I had my father walk me
down the aisle. But later on I wondered why. I know,
that's a beautiful tradition, but when you actually think about
(06:18):
what it represents, you're being given to another man, it
feels a little odd and a little strange. So some
people have booked that tradition, even because of the idea
or where it comes from that you're a piece of
property to be decided. Your fate is decided by your father,
and then you're given to your husband. So I understand
where he's coming from. But I do think there are
(06:40):
sweet things about traditions. They don't have to be based
You don't have to believe what they were based on,
and still recognize that it is perhaps a kind thing
to do, It is perhaps a respectful thing to do
to make sure the parents are okay with the match,
but I get that it's archaic.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
Okay. See, I am going a different direction from you
saying something is traditional versus respectful family culture and respect tradition. Here,
you don't want to walk down out, knock yourself out,
don't want to ask the father for the handima, knock
yourself out. I find those two things to be completely
unrelated to a young lady who is now saying, my
(07:19):
culture is one in which getting approval from parents matters
more than maybe anywhere else in the world. So I'm
trying to separate. You want to have that conversation about
walking down out, we can do that. Well, no, no, no,
I was being property.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Sure, I was just understanding perhaps where Rod was coming from.
But you're saying, yes, that has nothing to do with
where Kai is coming from, a little.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Separate from what she's doing. But again to his point,
which I do not take issue with what he's saying,
but applying it to her necessarily is.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
I think he's just saying, making a decision based on
whether or not your family likes it or not shouldn't
be the basis of your decision basically, And people are.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Doing it every day, day in day out here even right,
I want my parents approval. I'm not saying I'm not
going to do something, but it does. It weighs on
all of us. That's the real thing we can always
all of us can relate to.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
Absolutely. All right, we'll move on now to Amanda. Amanda
wrote this to Kai. It sounds like your parent's approval
is important to you, yet you've been lying for almost
a year. The longer you wait, the deeper the hole
you are digging yourself. I get waiting a month or two,
but after that, your parents should know, especially if their
approval and blessing is important to you. I think Amanda
(08:30):
made a really good point that yes, it's her culture. Yes,
that's how she was raised, regardless of where it came from.
She is acknowledging in this letter that she writes to
us that she wants that approval, She needs that approval
in her world, in her mind, in her heart.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
But Amanda is I thought that was a very measured response.
But Amanda's asking the question, and I said it several times.
Every minute that goes by makes it worse than the
minute before. Just every single moment that passes makes this worse.
And so yeah, I appreciate, Amanda.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Yeah, the longer you wait, the deeper the hole you
are digging. And the truth is, my mom used to
say this to me. Just because you didn't outwardly tell
a lie by not giving someone important information, that is
a lie biomission and that's why Mom used to say,
you are lying by omission. And so she did use
the word lying, and I thought, oh, that's a little strong,
but then I heard my mom lying by omission is
(09:29):
still lying.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
That's a tough way to put it, but you know
what kind of drives it home. It is accurate. I
don't think it's too harsh. You are looking at your
parents in the face every day. Possibly you are talking
to them every day. You are literally living an entire
life that's important to you. That you're saying now is
going to be a part of the rest of your life.
You're with somebody that's going to give them grandkids, and
you haven't told.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Them that he even exists.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
That is lying to them on the days, on a
daily basis of what your life.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Is all right. Next we have Joe. Joe says this
to Kai. If you've been keeping it from your parents,
there is probably a reason you've been doing so. The
likely reason is that you know your parents will not
approve on some level. This is not a decision your
parents should be helping you make. It's your life. Tell
(10:20):
them when you are ready, can I I hadn't thought
about it from that perspective either, and I thought that
was a really good way to look at it.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
She's not ready. Okay, that's fine, that is fine. But
what is the reason.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
That's what he's asking her to ask.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Herself, why am I keeping this guy? Obviously, if he
was whatever Prince Charming that was in her culture that
she knew this was the guy they've been looking for for,
she would have brought Hi.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Right home immediately. She would have.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
So what is this guy? Carli Black?
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Isn't it?
Speaker 1 (10:57):
My goods?
Speaker 2 (10:58):
I'm laughing because you're laughing. I just want to point
that out. You laughed first by had a big old
smile on your face when you said it, with that
little cheshire cat brind that you have. But she, you know,
I wonder if it is just the fact that he
is a different culture or a different background, if there
are other things. Does he have a good job, does
he have all the other things that her parents want
(11:20):
in a mate for her. But I do agree with
Joe that ultimately it is her decision. She just has
to like ask herself why she's not telling them, and
then she has to decide for herself when the time
is like no one can tell her what to do
in this truly, I mean, she does have to decide
for herself.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Would you ever make a decision for yourself that you
knew was going to ruin a relationship with a family member?
Speaker 2 (11:43):
That it's hard to do, tough, But if you're telling
them this is who I love, and they decide to
act and react a certain way, you just have to
be willing to live with their choice because you're choosing.
If you choose to bring it to them in love,
in transparency, in connection, in an effort to try and
make everybody have a connection moving forward, and they choose
(12:04):
not to accept it, that's on them, then it's no
longer on you.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
And that's why I say, absolutely, if she tells them
they love you, I just yes, feelings are gonna be hurt,
tears are going to be shit, They're going to be upset.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
There are families, though, you say, yeah, There are families though,
who will absolutely cease all communication and there are people
who wrote in some stories about having had that happen
to them, so it does exist. I do think that
would be on the rarer side of thing. It's hard
to imagine as a parent that you would be willing
to do that. You'd lose all contact with your daughter,
(12:38):
with your child because you don't like who they married,
then probably no families would ever talk to each other
because that probably happens daily.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
All right, Well, we appreciate all of that writing in
and advice from Rod, Amanda and Joe, But why is
somebody from Texas taking issue with me and Robot and
saying we gave Kai terrible advice?
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Welcome back to welcome a back. Why do I keep
doing that?
Speaker 1 (13:15):
We're gonna make it a thing. I like it. Welcome aback,
Welcome back baby.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Why am I saying that? Wow, two days in a row,
Welcome back everyone to my obviously repetitive brain fart.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
But we are here talking about Kai.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
She has come to us asking us some relationship advice
on what she should do. Her boyfriend of nearly a year,
who she thinks will soon be her fiancee, is from
a different background, and so she's been afraid to bring
him around and tell her parents about him, and she
wants to know when she should do it. We gave
our advice to Kai in the latest Yahoo column that
(13:53):
drops every Monday in the Life section. But now we
are having some fun reading your comments. Readers comments about
what Kai should do. In Native Texan that's what the
name is on this comment or had some words for us.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
First, Okay, I still haven't heard this. I am going
to hear this for the first time with you all.
Cant wait.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
So Native Texan says this, what terrible advice from this article?
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
That was our advice.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
By the way, all.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Right, her private life is not her parent's business, especially
if they are judgmental and unsupportive. It is the parent's
fault for pushing her away and making her feel she
cannot confide in them. She should go live her life
unless she wants to remain under her parent's thumb.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Okay, let's go back to the part. Let's take it
line by line. First line was what again.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
What terrible advice from this article?
Speaker 1 (14:43):
Okay? And again I don't know how the person said it,
how it came off, and we were sitting face to face.
It might come off as sarcastic or funny, what terrible advice?
You guys are crazy or in writing it comes off me,
or you could take issue with the advice. And this
is you know. I'm big on words and how we communicate.
You can communicate with someone say I would never say that,
or I would try it this way, or there are
ways we can communicate with people that just doesn't come
(15:05):
off as you're an idiot.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
When you're native Texan, though, you're anonymous and you can
say whatever you want.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
So that's line one, Line two. What was the next sentence?
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Her private life is not her parents' business, especially if
they are judgmental and unsupportive.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Now, everybody out there who's in a relationship and who
has parents, apply that to your life. It doesn't apply.
You can say that in theory all day long that
your relationship isn't your parents' business, but it is and
they're involved in it. I'm not saying they have a
say over it and they should guide and dictate. But
all of us want our parents to appreciate, embrace love,
(15:45):
except our mate, and it throws us when they don't,
and we want to make it what we all want
that approval. I'm not saying it's the end of the world.
But to suggest that, oh, well, your parents don't like it,
going with your life, be a big girl. That's that's
tough to accept.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
It's tough because every Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate
with your family, birthdays, you're probably going to have children
with this person if you marry them. So that is
a part of your parent.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
In literally intermingling with the mate you choose, and then
you all have to mingle at all of life's events
that happened over the years.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
And so if there is animosity, if there is hatred,
if there is disapproval, that is going to seep into
every part of your relationship.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
It just is. So it's just and I know we
speak oftentimes through our own experience experiences, but we have
to be a little respectful at least of what somebody
else might be going through and the idea that we
could be so dismissive of, oh, you're a grown woman.
You don't want your parents' approval, Yes, we all need.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Well, it's funny you just said that last thing, you said,
you're a grown woman, Okay, because that's kind of the
tone of this last comment. And I do think that
perhaps the person who wrote this change their user name
just to reiterate what their yeah, to reiterate what their
advice was going to be. So this comes from my decision,
(17:11):
all right, my decision, right?
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Can you tell if it's a man or a woman?
You know what.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
I think it might be a man.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
Okay, let's see.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
But my decision sounds like something a woman would say. Obviously,
my body, my choice, I get it. So it does
sound like something a woman would say. But when you
hear the advice, it could go either way. Okay, my decision,
writes to Kai and says the parents will also blame
the boyfriend for not being told. They can't blame their
baby girl because they love her so and they will
(17:43):
throw shade at the boyfriend. You are telling them you
are in a relationship not asking permission. If you are
an adult, act like one exclamation point.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
Okay, wow, I was against it and now I'm with it.
The last part there, Kai, take that to heart. If
you walk in with that approach that I am letting
you all into this that's happening with me versus me
having to introduce this into you all's world. I am
(18:14):
letting you all know I am in a relationship. I'm
not asking for your permission to be in it that
I am okay with.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
I think that's a great way that.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Mindset the first part of that back.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Again, the parents will also blame the boyfriend for not
being told okay.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
That is actually a scenario I hadn't thought about and
that KAI needs to consider. Obviously, we know she's making
it worse and worse and worse for herself and the
boyfriend as the time goes by. But what if the
parents are looking at her and have a my child
can do no wrong attitude, and now they hate your boyfriend.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Even more than that is That's what my decision is saying.
Could very much be the case. And he used or
she used whoever's lots of exclamation points, which could also
point to a girl, because I too like to use
lots of exclamation points when I make comments.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Their little heart emojis thanks to it.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
I know that i'd know it was a girl, yes,
but I did not think about how much that could
affect the boyfriend. We talked about that in our earlier podcast. Obviously,
that has to feel like he's being rejected when his
own girlfriend isn't willing to bring him around, But that
is a good point that the parents could be very
(19:20):
much like my baby girl.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
She would never do this. What has he done to her?
He's brainwashed her?
Speaker 2 (19:26):
They could completely this isn't our daughter. Our daughter would
never have done this, only if she's been, yes, brainwashed
by a man who isn't like us, who doesn't know us,
who doesn't understand us. That makes a lot of sense. Well,
we appreciate all of the comments. They are so fun
to read, and it's interesting too when they go beyond
(19:46):
or they differ from what we think the reader or
whoever is coming to us with a question wants an
answer for. So I think it's cool to keep our
hearts and minds open always when we take in all
this different advice. But we wish Kai the very best,
hope she makes the right decision, and we're going to
try to follow up with some of our folks. We've
said this before, but we really would like to bring
you some episodes in the.
Speaker 3 (20:06):
Coming weeks or months maybe where we do know what.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Our readers actually decided to do after getting the advice,
not just from us, but from the readers as well.
So thank you for listening to us on this Thursday.
I mean you, Roebuck alongside TJ. Holmes, have a great day, everybody,
Hey there, folks. It is Thursday, August twenty eighth, and
we got some of the strongest, I mean, most heated
pushback to some advice we gave one of our readers
who wrote into our Yahoo column looking for some advice,
and with that, welcome to this relationship edition of Amy
(00:23):
and TJ and Robes. We have had a good time.
People have strong opinions, but you this in particular our
latest Yahoo column, a young lady writing into us asking
for help with her soon to be possibly fiance and
meeting her parents for the first time. Blah blah blah.
But people took issue in the strongest of terms. You
were just explaining to me with our advice.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Yes, well, yes there was some very harsh advice, but
also taking issue with the advice we gave Kai, which
was to yay, yes, tell your parents, be celebratory, be positive,
and do it sooner rather than later, and not to
waste any time. A lot of folks just don't think
that parents need to be getting involved period and don't
(01:06):
think that parents should have a say. Maybe an opinion's
one thing, but actually be able to be the final
say whether or not you pursue or continue a relationship
with someone. People took a real issue with that, even
though Kai very specifically noted that it was her culture
and that the person she's dating is outside of her culture.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Okay, so it's fair to say, then, before we read
in full what Kai wrote into us, the question not
just people were they might have been most heeded in
their response to us, but this might have been one
they were more heated. It sounds like in their response
to Kai, a reader saying, you're ridiculous for this scenario,
almost even right.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
And I think a lot of people were taking it
from the American vantage point, where if you, I, and
we both said this, at least we've said this to
one another. I don't know what that's like to have
a culture so tightly knit where yes, it is required
(02:08):
that you get approval from your parents, and oftentimes in
some of these cultures and we don't know which one
she's from, there are arranged marriages still in plenty of
cultures around the world, so parents not only get a say,
they actually tell you the child who you're going to marry.
And frankly, a lot of debate out there as to
whether or not that's the odds are the same if
(02:29):
not even better in terms of marriage and divorce rates.
And maybe it's the community, and maybe it's the pressure
to stay married no matter what, but no one can
say that that's a less successful way forward.
Speaker 1 (02:41):
So with that as the backdrop, with that in mind,
and with that context, Kai wrote into us again. You
can find our Yahoo column Yahoo dot com in the
life section. We have a new one for you every
week and a new topic. And again Kai is our
reader this week and the topic and it really became
a point of contention for a lot of folks. But
she writes in amy and ts, I'm in my late twenties.
I've been dating my partner for almost a year. I'm
(03:03):
headed over heels and truly believe he might be though
on the problem is my parents. I come from a
culture where family approval is considered essential before marriage. Because
my partner and I come from different backgrounds, I worry
that my parents won't accept him. They don't even know
I'm in a serious relationship. I'm torn between telling them
(03:26):
now or waiting until we're engaged. I don't want to
cause unnecessary conflict, but I also don't want to keep
such a big part of my life from them. What
would you do in my position Kai, both of us robes,
I think we were kind of in agreement on what
our advice was there.
Speaker 2 (03:42):
Yes, and that family is important and that having your
family support your relationship is a good thing and having
them not support it is not a good thing. That
can be It's not the end all be all, but
certainly it doesn't help and it could only hinder a
relationship moving forward. So if you still have an opportunity
to get your family behind you and behind your relationship,
(04:03):
you should absolutely go for it. And the longer she waits,
the bigger adjustment and bigger difficulty that might be for
that acceptance.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Yes, and we were very clear and based on experience
as well, I think these are your parents, This is
your family. They love you, and they might surprise you
how they react and how they embrace. And yes, there
are going to be some hurt feelings that you didn't
come to them. Yes they're going to be a little
upset by that, but you're their child. They love you,
and that's I really do believe. Again, we've lived enough
life and experienced enough to where we have seen worry
(04:34):
about what a parent might do. But your parents love you,
and so that was our advice. But Robes you, as
people know we've been listening, you are the one that
goes through the comments. I hear them usually for the
first time when you read them to me here, so
I'm curious what the reaction was.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
Yes, your reaction will be genuine and immediate, actually once
you hear all of these. But it's been funn men women,
mostly men. It's so funny right in and leave comments
along the section, but I have a blast reading them.
So the first comment comes from Rod, and Rod says
this to Kai. We are not indebted to our parents
(05:12):
by any stretch of the imagination. You're not property, whether
they plan for you or not. I didn't ask my
wife's father for her hand, and I don't care if
it upset any of her family. We're on twenty plus
years of marital bliss.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
Okay, and that's fine, And that's okay, and that works.
I love that you give Kai something to think about,
but can't attack her for her situation possibly being different
from yours. We look everybody listening who grew up in
the United States of America has no concept for the
most part of what that means to be obligated almost
(05:51):
how does she say it in her thing? I'm it's essential.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
She said, it's essential, it's essential.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
We don't have any concept of that.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Necessarily, No, I don't have any concept of that, and
in fact, you know, but I do get what Rod
is saying about being property. I have always kind of
taken issue. I know, I don't want to upset traditionalists
out there, and certainly I had my father walk me
down the aisle. But later on I wondered why. I know,
that's a beautiful tradition, but when you actually think about
(06:18):
what it represents, you're being given to another man, it
feels a little odd and a little strange. So some
people have booked that tradition, even because of the idea
or where it comes from that you're a piece of
property to be decided. Your fate is decided by your father,
and then you're given to your husband. So I understand
where he's coming from. But I do think there are
(06:40):
sweet things about traditions. They don't have to be based
You don't have to believe what they were based on,
and still recognize that it is perhaps a kind thing
to do, It is perhaps a respectful thing to do
to make sure the parents are okay with the match,
but I get that it's archaic.
Speaker 1 (06:59):
Okay. See, I am going a different direction from you
saying something is traditional versus respectful family culture and respect tradition. Here,
you don't want to walk down out, knock yourself out,
don't want to ask the father for the handima, knock
yourself out. I find those two things to be completely
unrelated to a young lady who is now saying, my
(07:19):
culture is one in which getting approval from parents matters
more than maybe anywhere else in the world. So I'm
trying to separate. You want to have that conversation about
walking down out, we can do that. Well, no, no, no,
I was being property.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Sure, I was just understanding perhaps where Rod was coming from.
But you're saying, yes, that has nothing to do with
where Kai is coming from, a little.
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Separate from what she's doing. But again to his point,
which I do not take issue with what he's saying,
but applying it to her necessarily is.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
I think he's just saying, making a decision based on
whether or not your family likes it or not shouldn't
be the basis of your decision basically, And people are.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
Doing it every day, day in day out here even right,
I want my parents approval. I'm not saying I'm not
going to do something, but it does. It weighs on
all of us. That's the real thing we can always
all of us can relate to.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
Absolutely. All right, we'll move on now to Amanda. Amanda
wrote this to Kai. It sounds like your parent's approval
is important to you, yet you've been lying for almost
a year. The longer you wait, the deeper the hole
you are digging yourself. I get waiting a month or two,
but after that, your parents should know, especially if their
approval and blessing is important to you. I think Amanda
(08:30):
made a really good point that yes, it's her culture. Yes,
that's how she was raised, regardless of where it came from.
She is acknowledging in this letter that she writes to
us that she wants that approval, She needs that approval
in her world, in her mind, in her heart.
Speaker 1 (08:50):
But Amanda is I thought that was a very measured response.
But Amanda's asking the question, and I said it several times.
Every minute that goes by makes it worse than the
minute before. Just every single moment that passes makes this worse.
And so yeah, I appreciate, Amanda.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Yeah, the longer you wait, the deeper the hole you
are digging. And the truth is, my mom used to
say this to me. Just because you didn't outwardly tell
a lie by not giving someone important information, that is
a lie biomission and that's why Mom used to say,
you are lying by omission. And so she did use
the word lying, and I thought, oh, that's a little strong,
but then I heard my mom lying by omission is
(09:29):
still lying.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
That's a tough way to put it, but you know
what kind of drives it home. It is accurate. I
don't think it's too harsh. You are looking at your
parents in the face every day. Possibly you are talking
to them every day. You are literally living an entire
life that's important to you. That you're saying now is
going to be a part of the rest of your life.
You're with somebody that's going to give them grandkids, and
you haven't told.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Them that he even exists.
Speaker 1 (09:52):
That is lying to them on the days, on a
daily basis of what your life.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Is all right. Next we have Joe. Joe says this
to Kai. If you've been keeping it from your parents,
there is probably a reason you've been doing so. The
likely reason is that you know your parents will not
approve on some level. This is not a decision your
parents should be helping you make. It's your life. Tell
(10:20):
them when you are ready, can I I hadn't thought
about it from that perspective either, and I thought that
was a really good way to look at it.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
She's not ready. Okay, that's fine, that is fine. But
what is the reason.
Speaker 2 (10:36):
That's what he's asking her to ask.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Herself, why am I keeping this guy? Obviously, if he
was whatever Prince Charming that was in her culture that
she knew this was the guy they've been looking for for,
she would have brought Hi.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Right home immediately. She would have.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
So what is this guy? Carli Black?
Speaker 2 (10:53):
Isn't it?
Speaker 1 (10:57):
My goods?
Speaker 2 (10:58):
I'm laughing because you're laughing. I just want to point
that out. You laughed first by had a big old
smile on your face when you said it, with that
little cheshire cat brind that you have. But she, you know,
I wonder if it is just the fact that he
is a different culture or a different background, if there
are other things. Does he have a good job, does
he have all the other things that her parents want
(11:20):
in a mate for her. But I do agree with
Joe that ultimately it is her decision. She just has
to like ask herself why she's not telling them, and
then she has to decide for herself when the time
is like no one can tell her what to do
in this truly, I mean, she does have to decide
for herself.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Would you ever make a decision for yourself that you
knew was going to ruin a relationship with a family member?
Speaker 2 (11:43):
That it's hard to do, tough, But if you're telling
them this is who I love, and they decide to
act and react a certain way, you just have to
be willing to live with their choice because you're choosing.
If you choose to bring it to them in love,
in transparency, in connection, in an effort to try and
make everybody have a connection moving forward, and they choose
(12:04):
not to accept it, that's on them, then it's no
longer on you.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
And that's why I say, absolutely, if she tells them
they love you, I just yes, feelings are gonna be hurt,
tears are going to be shit, They're going to be upset.
Speaker 2 (12:16):
There are families, though, you say, yeah, There are families though,
who will absolutely cease all communication and there are people
who wrote in some stories about having had that happen
to them, so it does exist. I do think that
would be on the rarer side of thing. It's hard
to imagine as a parent that you would be willing
to do that. You'd lose all contact with your daughter,
(12:38):
with your child because you don't like who they married,
then probably no families would ever talk to each other
because that probably happens daily.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
All right, Well, we appreciate all of that writing in
and advice from Rod, Amanda and Joe, But why is
somebody from Texas taking issue with me and Robot and
saying we gave Kai terrible advice?
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Welcome back to welcome a back. Why do I keep
doing that?
Speaker 1 (13:15):
We're gonna make it a thing. I like it. Welcome aback,
Welcome back baby.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
Why am I saying that? Wow, two days in a row,
Welcome back everyone to my obviously repetitive brain fart.
Speaker 3 (13:27):
But we are here talking about Kai.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
She has come to us asking us some relationship advice
on what she should do. Her boyfriend of nearly a year,
who she thinks will soon be her fiancee, is from
a different background, and so she's been afraid to bring
him around and tell her parents about him, and she
wants to know when she should do it. We gave
our advice to Kai in the latest Yahoo column that
(13:53):
drops every Monday in the Life section. But now we
are having some fun reading your comments. Readers comments about
what Kai should do. In Native Texan that's what the
name is on this comment or had some words for us.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
First, Okay, I still haven't heard this. I am going
to hear this for the first time with you all.
Cant wait.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
So Native Texan says this, what terrible advice from this article?
Speaker 1 (14:16):
Okay?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
That was our advice.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
By the way, all.
Speaker 2 (14:18):
Right, her private life is not her parent's business, especially
if they are judgmental and unsupportive. It is the parent's
fault for pushing her away and making her feel she
cannot confide in them. She should go live her life
unless she wants to remain under her parent's thumb.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Okay, let's go back to the part. Let's take it
line by line. First line was what again.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
What terrible advice from this article?
Speaker 1 (14:43):
Okay? And again I don't know how the person said it,
how it came off, and we were sitting face to face.
It might come off as sarcastic or funny, what terrible advice?
You guys are crazy or in writing it comes off me,
or you could take issue with the advice. And this
is you know. I'm big on words and how we communicate.
You can communicate with someone say I would never say that,
or I would try it this way, or there are
ways we can communicate with people that just doesn't come
(15:05):
off as you're an idiot.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
When you're native Texan, though, you're anonymous and you can
say whatever you want.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
So that's line one, Line two. What was the next sentence?
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Her private life is not her parents' business, especially if
they are judgmental and unsupportive.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Now, everybody out there who's in a relationship and who
has parents, apply that to your life. It doesn't apply.
You can say that in theory all day long that
your relationship isn't your parents' business, but it is and
they're involved in it. I'm not saying they have a
say over it and they should guide and dictate. But
all of us want our parents to appreciate, embrace love,
(15:45):
except our mate, and it throws us when they don't,
and we want to make it what we all want
that approval. I'm not saying it's the end of the world.
But to suggest that, oh, well, your parents don't like it,
going with your life, be a big girl. That's that's
tough to accept.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
It's tough because every Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate
with your family, birthdays, you're probably going to have children
with this person if you marry them. So that is
a part of your parent.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
In literally intermingling with the mate you choose, and then
you all have to mingle at all of life's events
that happened over the years.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
And so if there is animosity, if there is hatred,
if there is disapproval, that is going to seep into
every part of your relationship.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
It just is. So it's just and I know we
speak oftentimes through our own experience experiences, but we have
to be a little respectful at least of what somebody
else might be going through and the idea that we
could be so dismissive of, oh, you're a grown woman.
You don't want your parents' approval, Yes, we all need.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Well, it's funny you just said that last thing, you said,
you're a grown woman, Okay, because that's kind of the
tone of this last comment. And I do think that
perhaps the person who wrote this change their user name
just to reiterate what their yeah, to reiterate what their
advice was going to be. So this comes from my decision,
(17:11):
all right, my decision, right?
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Can you tell if it's a man or a woman?
You know what.
Speaker 2 (17:19):
I think it might be a man.
Speaker 1 (17:21):
Okay, let's see.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
But my decision sounds like something a woman would say. Obviously,
my body, my choice, I get it. So it does
sound like something a woman would say. But when you
hear the advice, it could go either way. Okay, my decision,
writes to Kai and says the parents will also blame
the boyfriend for not being told. They can't blame their
baby girl because they love her so and they will
(17:43):
throw shade at the boyfriend. You are telling them you
are in a relationship not asking permission. If you are
an adult, act like one exclamation point.
Speaker 1 (17:53):
Okay, wow, I was against it and now I'm with it.
The last part there, Kai, take that to heart. If
you walk in with that approach that I am letting
you all into this that's happening with me versus me
having to introduce this into you all's world. I am
(18:14):
letting you all know I am in a relationship. I'm
not asking for your permission to be in it that
I am okay with.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
I think that's a great way that.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
Mindset the first part of that back.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Again, the parents will also blame the boyfriend for not
being told okay.
Speaker 1 (18:27):
That is actually a scenario I hadn't thought about and
that KAI needs to consider. Obviously, we know she's making
it worse and worse and worse for herself and the
boyfriend as the time goes by. But what if the
parents are looking at her and have a my child
can do no wrong attitude, and now they hate your boyfriend.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Even more than that is That's what my decision is saying.
Could very much be the case. And he used or
she used whoever's lots of exclamation points, which could also
point to a girl, because I too like to use
lots of exclamation points when I make comments.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Their little heart emojis thanks to it.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
I know that i'd know it was a girl, yes,
but I did not think about how much that could
affect the boyfriend. We talked about that in our earlier podcast. Obviously,
that has to feel like he's being rejected when his
own girlfriend isn't willing to bring him around, But that
is a good point that the parents could be very
(19:20):
much like my baby girl.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
She would never do this. What has he done to her?
He's brainwashed her?
Speaker 2 (19:26):
They could completely this isn't our daughter. Our daughter would
never have done this, only if she's been, yes, brainwashed
by a man who isn't like us, who doesn't know us,
who doesn't understand us. That makes a lot of sense. Well,
we appreciate all of the comments. They are so fun
to read, and it's interesting too when they go beyond
(19:46):
or they differ from what we think the reader or
whoever is coming to us with a question wants an
answer for. So I think it's cool to keep our
hearts and minds open always when we take in all
this different advice. But we wish Kai the very best,
hope she makes the right decision, and we're going to
try to follow up with some of our folks. We've
said this before, but we really would like to bring
you some episodes in the.
Speaker 3 (20:06):
Coming weeks or months maybe where we do know what.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Our readers actually decided to do after getting the advice,
not just from us, but from the readers as well.
So thank you for listening to us on this Thursday.
I mean you, Roebuck alongside TJ. Holmes, have a great day, everybody,
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