February 18, 2025 • 29 mins
In this week's episode of Señora Sex Ed, Diosa and Mala are joined by two guests to discuss Asexuality. For the first half of the episode, writer and content creator, Iris joins to discuss how Asexuality empowered her to reclaim her sexuality. For the second half of this episode, Gina Gomez director of ACE Los Angeles, reflects on the first time she saw herself and her identity represented in the media. She also shares why Asexuality should be included in all Sex Ed curriculum.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Amiga, mirmo nuco. He's never had a boyfriend, a girlfriend,
he's never been married. I wish you would just find someone.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
He seems pretty happy.
Speaker 3 (00:11):
Maybe he's a sexual, Maybe he's once a sexual.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
I'll tell you all about it.
Speaker 4 (00:19):
Senora Yora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Hi, Senora. Welcome to Senora sex Ed.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Senora Sex Said is not your Mommy sex Talk. This
show is la platga like you've never heard it before.
With each episode, we're breaking the stigma and silence around
sex and sexuality in LATINX communities.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Latinas have been hyper sexualized in popular culture, but notoriously
denied sex education. This podcast is an intergenerational converse between
Latinas from gen X to gen Z, covering everything from
puberty and body image to representation in film, television, and music.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Just a reminder that in this show, a Senora is
a woman with a lot of life experiences and stories
to share. Maybe she's in her thirties, Maybe she's in
her forties or fifties or older. Maybe she's trans, maybe
she sits.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
We are your hosts and producers, Viosa and Mala.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
You might recognize us from our flagship podcast, Lokatra Radio.
Since twenty sixteen, we've covered all kinds of topics, ranging
from politics, to mental health, current events, and of course sex.
We still have so much to learn, though, and we
hope you listen to each episode with the Senoras and
Senoritas in Your Life, Chapter twenty seven a sexual Education. Today,
(01:57):
we're joined by Edies, a twenty two year old content
creator and student. She's born and raised in San Francisco.
We came across an essay Edie's penned for Refinery twenty nine,
almost titled I'm an Asexual Woman and the Spicy Latina
Trope is Stifling. Edies writes that she's determined to make
peace and find joy in my culture, my body, and
(02:20):
my asexuality by rewriting scripts and creating my own rules.
In today's episode, she shares her experience as an asexual Latina.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
When Edies was sixteen, she found resources online about asexuality.
I'm connected with a content creator and author known as
ace Dad.
Speaker 5 (02:42):
I feel like mainly online are like the resources that
I use, one of them being like other like from
other asexual people because I feel like they like understand,
like what I'm going through. There's one specific creator that
I've been found. They're called like the a Stead, and
(03:02):
they also have a book too on a sexuality. So
I look to that content creator as a resource and
I read their book as well, and I think what
I got from that was that it's okay to want
to have sex and be like a sexual and want
to do more and I'm so valid whether or not
I have sex or not.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
For eties, a sexuality is not defined by whether or
not she has sexual partners, but it's about her reclaiming
her sexuality.
Speaker 5 (03:34):
Either way, I'm always going to be like asexual. So
a sexuality is like the general meaning of what it
is like. You have little to no interest in sexual activities,
and to me, it's just not a choice. A sexuality
to me is just it's not even just about not
(03:55):
having sex at all. It's like also reclaiming my sexuality,
if that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Asexuality has been instrumental in her healing journey as a
survivor of childhood sexual assault.
Speaker 5 (04:09):
I feel like because when I was younger, actually talked
about this in my Refinery twenty nine story. I was
like sexually assaulted, and I was like eleven years old,
and I feel like my sexuality was taken away from
me when that moment had happened to me. So I
(04:30):
feel like now that I'm older and I'm like, I
identify as like a sexual. That's why I say, oh,
like I'm reclaiming my sexuality because I feel like in
that moment, I was like, it was like taking away
from me.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
In twenty twenty two, just before publishing her essay with
Refinery twenty nine, Edie sent it to her friends officially
coming out to them.
Speaker 5 (04:55):
They definitely had some questions for me, very positive questions
because they didn't fully under understand like what it was.
So I had just explained them, like, it's feeling like
you have little to no interest in like sexual activities,
And I tell them like, there's a whole spectrum of
(05:15):
like a sexual people. In every a sexual person's the
same and it doesn't look just one way.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Eighties has some advice for dating someone who is a sexual.
Have clear communication about what you're both comfortable with.
Speaker 5 (05:29):
Let's say, like I have a partner, I would just
tell them like, hey, this is what I'm comfortable doing,
this is what I'm not comfortable with. Kind of those
conversations so that both of us would be like on
the same page, so that my partner knows, hey, this
is what it is. This is what a sexuality is.
(05:49):
This is what I'm comfortable with and not comfortable with. Yeah,
I think if like you're an ally or like a
friend or a partner, you should really just support your
partner who is a sexual and just let them be
and just also normalize it, because I feel like a
sexuality still isn't normalized enough. But still ooh, what do
(06:12):
you mean? You know, I feel people that's how people
look at a sexuality. And if you're someone who's also
a sexual, like, just know there's like a large community
of us, so many content creators like myself who will
be here to support you. And you're so so valid
and you're still going to learn and grow and explore
(06:34):
yourself within your asexuality.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
For eaties, it's important for others to know that a
sexuality is a sexual orientation.
Speaker 5 (06:45):
Yeah, I want to say, like, asexual people exist, We're
still here and we're always going to be here, and
we're valid, and a sexuality is a sexuality, but it
is a sexual orientation and we're not weird or crazy
(07:06):
and I feel like we should continue to have to
include a sexuality in these sex and conversations.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
After the break, we'll be joined by Gina Gomez, director
of ACE Los Angeles. Don't go anywhere, and we're back.
We hope you enjoyed the break and are ready to
listen to the rest.
Speaker 6 (07:28):
ACE Los Angeles. It's a nonprofit organization and it's basically
an organization to help a sexual people in LA like
come together and talk and meet each other and connect.
And what's cool about ACE people, We're really creative, so
it's really amazing finding other like minded creative people. So
(07:54):
we have physical meetups and we also have virtual meetups
through Zoom, and we also you know, provide things like
if someone wants to interview a sexual people. We've also
done panels at like colleges, different queer events in LA,
just giving like a panel about asexuality or just talking
(08:18):
to queer youth in LA about it and letting them
know that they have a space. And we also have
a discord that just started and it's like pretty popular,
which is which is great. So yeah, ACELA is just
a great place for a sexual and a romantic people
in the greater Los Angeles Area to like come together.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Can you tell us more about those distinctions you just
brought up? A sexual and a romantic.
Speaker 6 (08:43):
Asexuality and a romanticism is a huge spectrum, very wide spectrum,
with a lot of different subsets. So really the main definition,
if I had to give one, for a sexuality is
someone who experiences little to know some sexual attraction, and
then a romantic is someone who experiences little to no
(09:06):
romantic attraction. I think the subsets in the asexual umbrella
and the a romantic umbrella really help people understand. So
I'll just give like a short example. So I'm demisexual
and that's under the asexual umbrella, and that basically means
I can't feel sexual attraction to someone unless I form
(09:27):
a deep emotional connection first. So I could find someone
like physically beautiful, but I'm not attracted to the idea
of wanting to be physical with them unless I like,
really know them. And that's just like one example of
a subset in the asexuality spectrum.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
I still feel in twenty twenty five that it is
an identity that is not necessarily talked about in the
same way other identities are. Why do you think that is.
Speaker 6 (10:01):
I mean, even me explaining it. It's still so esoteric
for people, I think, and it's hard to explain. So, like,
you know, I definitely have grace for the greater society
of not knowing about a sexuality. However, I also think
there's like hardly any representation, especially in like media, Like
(10:26):
I could probably count on my hands, like how many
ace characters or a romantic that's even that's even less
how many of those characters exist. So imagine if a
Marvel film had an a sexual character and then someone
watching it, even if they're a sexual or not, they'd
be like, oh, that's interesting, let me like research that
(10:47):
I really like that character.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Have you seen the show BoJack Horseman? Right, So, Todd
Chavez and Yolanda Buenaventura are an asexual couple in a relationship,
in a dating relationship. Is that those characters? Are they
like talked about in the asexual community?
Speaker 3 (11:06):
Are they popular?
Speaker 2 (11:07):
What's the chatter around the show and those characters.
Speaker 6 (11:11):
So when I first watched BoJack, I don't know how
many years ago, uh, that's when I realized I was
a sexual. It was the first time I had ever
seen a character even say the word and I know
a lot of ACE people can relate to that, which
is so great. And I met the showrunner and I
told him, I'm like, thank you, like you helped me
realize that. He's like, oh, that's so amazing, Like he's
(11:32):
so nice. But before I joined ACE Los Angeles, they
were actually helping BoJack Horsemen with the asexual representation, which
is so cool. So Sherry, she's like our CEO, Like
she literally went to the writer's room talked to them.
They asked her questions, and I love that that they
(11:54):
cared enough. You know, there's so many times characters are
misrepresented because you know, it's not authentic. So I love
that they reached out to Acela. I wish I had
more information about that because I want to know every detail.
But yeah, I love that Acela helped with Todd. Some
newer people that are just watching the show, some ACE
(12:16):
people say like, oh, it's just so like not complex,
Like Todd is just like strictly a sexual in the
sense of like he has no sexual attraction, and that's
not every ACE person. I'm cool with that, Like that's
that's one way to show what an asexual person is.
So yeah, it's it's fascinating, Like newer people that are
(12:39):
watching the show now some ACE people are like, eh,
we need better.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
It sounds like it goes back to what you were
saying that we just the ACE community just needs more representation,
right because the one character is not going to represent
the entire community.
Speaker 6 (12:52):
I would love a show that just focused on asexual
people so you can see the different kinds of ACE
people and a romantic people. Like even just one show
like Bojak can help so much, and we honestly don't
have that. We do not have a single television show
(13:13):
or film that the main character is asexual. It's wild.
It's twenty twenty five.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
You know, we'll be taking a quick break. Don't miss us.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
Thanks for sticking around.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
We are back.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Do you think there's any like characters out there from
film and television that.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
Maybe are like not outwardly asexual, but.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
Almost a sexual coded the character who never gets married,
who is always single, or who you know. I mean,
it's just in some ways romantically is standing out from
the rest of the characters in the cast.
Speaker 6 (13:49):
I'm literally hopefully going to write a book about this,
like just to help people understand what asexuality and a
romanticism is. I'll I could talk about that for twenty
four hours straight. But one good example, in my opinion
is Sherlock Holmes. If you guys have seen like the
BBC's Sherlock, that was like my first, like huge introduction
(14:13):
into that world. They never say it, They never really
bring up what his exact sexual orientation is. But I
remember back in the day in Tumblr, that's when I
first saw the word asexual or demisexual. I was like, huh,
he's totally that. Like Sherlock is just focused on the case.
(14:33):
He just wants to solve it. He's obsessed with like
details and really not concerned with having sex or being
in a relationship. And man, if that could just happen now,
if we could have a main character like that, say
like I'm a sexual, I'm a romantic, I'm successful, I'm intelligent,
(14:55):
I'm complex.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
I love that. And what are some common misconceptions about asexual?
Speaker 6 (15:01):
Yeah, it's it's so funny. Like, especially as a screenwriter,
some people I don't I personally don't like writing actual
sex scenes. I'm cool with characters having sex in my scripts,
but I don't like showing the actual act. I like
doing the before and after for example. You know, but
(15:23):
a lot of screenwriters love writing sex scenes. Obviously totally fine,
do it please, But just because I don't like writing that,
some people are like, oh, you hate sex. A sexual
people hate sex. They're so like negative when it comes
to sex, and like, I'm the opposite of that. Like
(15:44):
people can be sexually free. They cannot have it, they
could hate it, they can love it, like I'm all
about it. So that's that's a huge misconception, like, oh,
you're just so puritanical you don't want sex and stories,
And that's not true at all. In fact, like a
lot of asexual people write smutty things or read smut,
(16:09):
which is awesome. There's many sexual people that are sex
workers or a lot of like kinky asexual people, and
you know that use like a lot of different like
toys and stuff, and yeah, I really want to show
that eventually in my work. That again, it's such a
wide spectrum. And like just because people asexual people aren't
(16:32):
attracted to sex, that doesn't mean they can't enjoy it either.
So asexual people some do have sex because they they
actually like the act. They're just not attracted to it.
They're not like oh, I want to do that every night.
But they can enjoy it because they want to be
intimate with their partner, or they like giving their partner pleasure,
(16:55):
or just so many examples, or sometimes the people want
to have children for example. Yeah, asexual people can have sex,
some love it and some again read and write smut
and everything you can think of.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
I'm curious if we can go back and talk about
your asexuality journey. You've talked a little bit about Tumblr,
about TV and film. Take us to the beginning and
when you first started to explore this part of yourself. Man,
such a great question.
Speaker 6 (17:29):
So being in Florida, there's nothing to do and it's
the worst, sorry Florida. But because of that, I wanted
to have hobbies. So I started like singing with my
twin sister, and because of that, I did like musical
theater in high school. And it was interesting because, like I,
(17:52):
I was chosen to play like sexy roles, probably because
I'm a Latino, so it's a stereotype obviously, but that's all.
I was like kind of forced to play in musicals,
and like, I loved it. I had so much fun.
But then off stage, I was like the opposite of that,
and and a lot of the people in my theater
program were confused. They're like, I mean, you're like, you're
(18:15):
a sexy latina, Like why don't you have a boyfriend?
Weren't you sleeping around? And it's such a stupid, like
misconception obviously, but I did question that myself too. I
was like, huh, that's interesting, like why aren't I And
you know, actors are a lot of the times the
opposite of what they are on stage, so I was like, yeah,
that's what it is. It's fine. I also grew up religious.
(18:40):
I was Catholic when I was younger, not anymore, but
you know, I had that like my grandma always said like,
don't have sex, are going to get pregnant, don't have
sex or going to get pregnant. So I had that
in my head. And then I also, yeah, had that
latina stereotype put onto me. So I was like, yeah,
I'm gonna have sex until I'm married. It's fine. I
(19:03):
don't want to anyway. And then I was like then
I went to college and I was still in Florida,
and I was like, Okay, I'm gonna date, I'm gonna
I'm gonna have sex. I'm gonna be like a quote
unquote normal person. And then I dated and I didn't
want to do that, and I was like that's fine.
I'm still young. I'm like nineteen, it's fine. And then
(19:25):
it just that kept happening. Then I moved to La
when I was around like twenty two twenty three, and
I was like, oh, I'm in La. Now I'm totally
gonna find someone. I want to write, That's what I'm
supposed to do. And it just like the years kept
going on and on and on, and I was like
I really don't want to. I really don't. And then
(19:46):
I was like, okay, do I have trauma, which is
still a valid thing, Like some asexual people have sexual
trauma and they that's why they don't want to have sex.
Totally valid. So I was like, oh, let me like
go to a therapist. And then my therapist said like, yeah,
I should go ind go out and meet people. And
in my head I was like I don't want to
and that should be okay, Like is there something? Is
(20:09):
there something wrong with me? But I know there isn't
because I'm happy. That's the difference too. I feel like
people that go to therapy for like sexual problems in
their relationship. If they're like totally okay with not having
sex with their partner, they might be asexual. If it
hurts them that and they're sad that they don't have
sex with their partner, then that might be something else.
(20:32):
But yeah, basically that's my journey is like I never
I never changed. I never wanted to have sex with people,
and if I did, it was only when they were
like my best friend for years and I was like, huh,
I wonder if there's anyone else like me out there.
And then obviously Sherlock and BoJack Horsemen like honestly saved
(20:57):
my life because it was really depressing. I was like, yeah,
I'm odd. I don't know what I am, And if
I knew in high school, I mean i'd be it'd
be a lot better for me in the long run.
But but I know now, which is great.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
So for our listeners, can you tell us a little
bit more about the terminology, because I think it's almost
in a way similar to like transgender and cis gender.
I think that there are a lot of folks who
have never heard the term cisgender or don't know that
there is a balance there with the terminology, So can
(21:33):
you kind of go into the terminology a sexual allosexual?
Speaker 6 (21:37):
Alosexual is a sexual orientation of like people that experience
sexual attraction, which is you would think a lot of
the different sexual attractions, right. But it's harmful because so
many people think everyone is alosexual, right, which means no
one's a sexual And yeah, if people don't even know
(22:01):
the term allosexual, how are they even going to understand
that there's like another opposite like spectrum to that. And
I feel like how years ago when everyone's born, everyone thought, Okay,
you're only one gender. I feel like everyone thinks that
everyone's allosexual, and that could be harmful for people that aren't.
(22:25):
And again, that's why it's important that cis gender is
a word that can be you know, put out there more.
That's why it's important that allosexual is a word that
can be put out there more, because you can't just
assume everyone is allosexual. For example, is.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
There anything else you'd like to share about a sexuality
or how we can how we can include a sexuality
in the broader sex said conversation and curriculum.
Speaker 6 (22:56):
So I wish in high school that it was part
of sexual education in high school when I was coming up.
I mean, I'm an oldie now, but you know, it
was just like, okay, this is how too straight people
have sex, right, And it wasn't anything about like queer
(23:17):
sex or hey, you might not want to do this.
So I think just literally bringing it up as much
as every other sexual orientation, like we know, well, the
world still needs to be more informed, but at least
we know what LGBTQIA plus means. But a lot of
(23:37):
people think that AA means ally, but it really stands
for a sexual, a romantic, and a gender. So I
think just putting it out there more like there's a
lot of ACE people in the world. I think I
believe it's like one percent of the population, which is
like millions of people. And those are just the people
(23:59):
that quote unquote out like I'm sure there's a lot
more a sexual people than because they haven't realized it yet.
So yeah, millions and millions of people are being excluded
every single time people talk about sex, and I think
that should change because again, asexual people can have sex
(24:23):
and do have sex and do enjoy it and do
you know, have it in different ways and you know,
read like a lot of these people read fan fiction
and like smudy fan fiction and smody books and erotica
and watch porn, so like, yeah, a sexual people shouldn't
(24:44):
be excluded, and if anything, they might have a different
perspective because we're kind of almost like experts on like
romantic attraction and sexual attraction and like the differences and
like the wide spectrums of both. So I think just
even adding those perspectives can really strengthen a conversation about
(25:06):
sex in general.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
What do you think is like an essential asexual sex
education to make it fully well rounded.
Speaker 6 (25:15):
Yeah, a lot of asexual people are great with like
intimacy and like touch and like hugging or pleasing their
partners in certain ways, but some of them don't like
the actual like penetration act of it. But they could
still do a lot more than that, right, Like sex
(25:37):
is so much more than just that penetrative act, So
that would be great just to like, I don't know,
have a panel on like these are the different ways
to be intimate with your partner without the penetrative act
and other sexual ways without the penetrative act or not
(26:00):
even like what you think of sexual romantic things, just
other ways to be intimate, like, I mean, I don't know.
I feel like in a way like best friends can
be intimate, Like I feel like going to Disneyland is intimate, right,
It's just what you also label it as like, so yeah,
it's just interesting. It's a huge again, a huge spectrum.
(26:22):
So I think there's just a lot of ways to
have sex and be intimate without the penetrative act.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
I love that. Thank you so much for giving us
that nuance. And it sounds like like with every sexuality
there's nuance, right, there's also a lot of specific ways
a person can identify right, as with any sexuality as well.
So thank you for providing some more insight.
Speaker 2 (26:49):
I want to know. Is there like a list of
things you should never say to an a sexual person
or never ask an asexual person.
Speaker 6 (26:56):
Oh, I've had someone be like, wait, how could you
be in a relationship if you don't have sex? Isn't
that the whole point? I'm just like, oh, like, I
feel sorry for you. I'm trying to my god everything,
(27:17):
I'm trying to think what else? Oh, have you ever
had sex before? When is the last time you had sex?
I think like a better question is just like, oh,
tell me if you want tell me more about a
sexuality and then I honestly don't feel like any sexual
person would be mad or sad about that, Like we
(27:39):
love talking about it because it's so underrepresented.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
What I learned from both Edies and Gina is that
asexuality is nuanced and just like any other sexuality, it
ebbs and flows. There are so many ways for an
individual to express their own asexuality or a romanticism. And
I really liked the language that Gina gave us to
(28:06):
really expand our knowledge and how to include asexual folks
in the sex ed curriculum and conversations.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
Next time on Senora Sex Said, we're hearing from Laura
and Virginya from California, Latinas for Reproductive Justice nos vemos Chow.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Senora Sex Said is a co production between Locata Productions
and Michael Dura Podcast Network.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
This show is executive produced by Mala Munos and Dios FM.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Also executive produced by Jisell Bances.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
Produced by Stephanie Franco.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Creative direction by Mala Munios.
Speaker 3 (28:43):
Story editing by Biosafem.
Speaker 1 (28:45):
Music direction by Grisol Lomeli, and.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
Music produced by Brian Gazzo.
Speaker 4 (29:02):
That everything book can be at that a book can
at that the book
Amiga, mirmo nuco. He's never had a boyfriend, a girlfriend,
he's never been married. I wish you would just find someone.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
He seems pretty happy.
Speaker 3 (00:11):
Maybe he's a sexual, Maybe he's once a sexual.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
I'll tell you all about it.
Speaker 4 (00:19):
Senora Yora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora, Senora.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Hi, Senora. Welcome to Senora sex Ed.
Speaker 1 (00:37):
Senora Sex Said is not your Mommy sex Talk. This
show is la platga like you've never heard it before.
With each episode, we're breaking the stigma and silence around
sex and sexuality in LATINX communities.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Latinas have been hyper sexualized in popular culture, but notoriously
denied sex education. This podcast is an intergenerational converse between
Latinas from gen X to gen Z, covering everything from
puberty and body image to representation in film, television, and music.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Just a reminder that in this show, a Senora is
a woman with a lot of life experiences and stories
to share. Maybe she's in her thirties, Maybe she's in
her forties or fifties or older. Maybe she's trans, maybe
she sits.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
We are your hosts and producers, Viosa and Mala.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
You might recognize us from our flagship podcast, Lokatra Radio.
Since twenty sixteen, we've covered all kinds of topics, ranging
from politics, to mental health, current events, and of course sex.
We still have so much to learn, though, and we
hope you listen to each episode with the Senoras and
Senoritas in Your Life, Chapter twenty seven a sexual Education. Today,
(01:57):
we're joined by Edies, a twenty two year old content
creator and student. She's born and raised in San Francisco.
We came across an essay Edie's penned for Refinery twenty nine,
almost titled I'm an Asexual Woman and the Spicy Latina
Trope is Stifling. Edies writes that she's determined to make
peace and find joy in my culture, my body, and
(02:20):
my asexuality by rewriting scripts and creating my own rules.
In today's episode, she shares her experience as an asexual Latina.
Speaker 2 (02:31):
When Edies was sixteen, she found resources online about asexuality.
I'm connected with a content creator and author known as
ace Dad.
Speaker 5 (02:42):
I feel like mainly online are like the resources that
I use, one of them being like other like from
other asexual people because I feel like they like understand,
like what I'm going through. There's one specific creator that
I've been found. They're called like the a Stead, and
(03:02):
they also have a book too on a sexuality. So
I look to that content creator as a resource and
I read their book as well, and I think what
I got from that was that it's okay to want
to have sex and be like a sexual and want
to do more and I'm so valid whether or not
I have sex or not.
Speaker 1 (03:25):
For eties, a sexuality is not defined by whether or
not she has sexual partners, but it's about her reclaiming
her sexuality.
Speaker 5 (03:34):
Either way, I'm always going to be like asexual. So
a sexuality is like the general meaning of what it
is like. You have little to no interest in sexual activities,
and to me, it's just not a choice. A sexuality
to me is just it's not even just about not
(03:55):
having sex at all. It's like also reclaiming my sexuality,
if that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Asexuality has been instrumental in her healing journey as a
survivor of childhood sexual assault.
Speaker 5 (04:09):
I feel like because when I was younger, actually talked
about this in my Refinery twenty nine story. I was
like sexually assaulted, and I was like eleven years old,
and I feel like my sexuality was taken away from
me when that moment had happened to me. So I
(04:30):
feel like now that I'm older and I'm like, I
identify as like a sexual. That's why I say, oh,
like I'm reclaiming my sexuality because I feel like in
that moment, I was like, it was like taking away
from me.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
In twenty twenty two, just before publishing her essay with
Refinery twenty nine, Edie sent it to her friends officially
coming out to them.
Speaker 5 (04:55):
They definitely had some questions for me, very positive questions
because they didn't fully under understand like what it was.
So I had just explained them, like, it's feeling like
you have little to no interest in like sexual activities,
And I tell them like, there's a whole spectrum of
(05:15):
like a sexual people. In every a sexual person's the
same and it doesn't look just one way.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Eighties has some advice for dating someone who is a sexual.
Have clear communication about what you're both comfortable with.
Speaker 5 (05:29):
Let's say, like I have a partner, I would just
tell them like, hey, this is what I'm comfortable doing,
this is what I'm not comfortable with. Kind of those
conversations so that both of us would be like on
the same page, so that my partner knows, hey, this
is what it is. This is what a sexuality is.
(05:49):
This is what I'm comfortable with and not comfortable with. Yeah,
I think if like you're an ally or like a
friend or a partner, you should really just support your
partner who is a sexual and just let them be
and just also normalize it, because I feel like a
sexuality still isn't normalized enough. But still ooh, what do
(06:12):
you mean? You know, I feel people that's how people
look at a sexuality. And if you're someone who's also
a sexual, like, just know there's like a large community
of us, so many content creators like myself who will
be here to support you. And you're so so valid
and you're still going to learn and grow and explore
(06:34):
yourself within your asexuality.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
For eaties, it's important for others to know that a
sexuality is a sexual orientation.
Speaker 5 (06:45):
Yeah, I want to say, like, asexual people exist, We're
still here and we're always going to be here, and
we're valid, and a sexuality is a sexuality, but it
is a sexual orientation and we're not weird or crazy
(07:06):
and I feel like we should continue to have to
include a sexuality in these sex and conversations.
Speaker 2 (07:13):
After the break, we'll be joined by Gina Gomez, director
of ACE Los Angeles. Don't go anywhere, and we're back.
We hope you enjoyed the break and are ready to
listen to the rest.
Speaker 6 (07:28):
ACE Los Angeles. It's a nonprofit organization and it's basically
an organization to help a sexual people in LA like
come together and talk and meet each other and connect.
And what's cool about ACE people, We're really creative, so
it's really amazing finding other like minded creative people. So
(07:54):
we have physical meetups and we also have virtual meetups
through Zoom, and we also you know, provide things like
if someone wants to interview a sexual people. We've also
done panels at like colleges, different queer events in LA,
just giving like a panel about asexuality or just talking
(08:18):
to queer youth in LA about it and letting them
know that they have a space. And we also have
a discord that just started and it's like pretty popular,
which is which is great. So yeah, ACELA is just
a great place for a sexual and a romantic people
in the greater Los Angeles Area to like come together.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Can you tell us more about those distinctions you just
brought up? A sexual and a romantic.
Speaker 6 (08:43):
Asexuality and a romanticism is a huge spectrum, very wide spectrum,
with a lot of different subsets. So really the main definition,
if I had to give one, for a sexuality is
someone who experiences little to know some sexual attraction, and
then a romantic is someone who experiences little to no
(09:06):
romantic attraction. I think the subsets in the asexual umbrella
and the a romantic umbrella really help people understand. So
I'll just give like a short example. So I'm demisexual
and that's under the asexual umbrella, and that basically means
I can't feel sexual attraction to someone unless I form
(09:27):
a deep emotional connection first. So I could find someone
like physically beautiful, but I'm not attracted to the idea
of wanting to be physical with them unless I like,
really know them. And that's just like one example of
a subset in the asexuality spectrum.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
I still feel in twenty twenty five that it is
an identity that is not necessarily talked about in the
same way other identities are. Why do you think that is.
Speaker 6 (10:01):
I mean, even me explaining it. It's still so esoteric
for people, I think, and it's hard to explain. So, like,
you know, I definitely have grace for the greater society
of not knowing about a sexuality. However, I also think
there's like hardly any representation, especially in like media, Like
(10:26):
I could probably count on my hands, like how many
ace characters or a romantic that's even that's even less
how many of those characters exist. So imagine if a
Marvel film had an a sexual character and then someone
watching it, even if they're a sexual or not, they'd
be like, oh, that's interesting, let me like research that
(10:47):
I really like that character.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
Have you seen the show BoJack Horseman? Right, So, Todd
Chavez and Yolanda Buenaventura are an asexual couple in a relationship,
in a dating relationship. Is that those characters? Are they
like talked about in the asexual community?
Speaker 3 (11:06):
Are they popular?
Speaker 2 (11:07):
What's the chatter around the show and those characters.
Speaker 6 (11:11):
So when I first watched BoJack, I don't know how
many years ago, uh, that's when I realized I was
a sexual. It was the first time I had ever
seen a character even say the word and I know
a lot of ACE people can relate to that, which
is so great. And I met the showrunner and I
told him, I'm like, thank you, like you helped me
realize that. He's like, oh, that's so amazing, Like he's
(11:32):
so nice. But before I joined ACE Los Angeles, they
were actually helping BoJack Horsemen with the asexual representation, which
is so cool. So Sherry, she's like our CEO, Like
she literally went to the writer's room talked to them.
They asked her questions, and I love that that they
(11:54):
cared enough. You know, there's so many times characters are
misrepresented because you know, it's not authentic. So I love
that they reached out to Acela. I wish I had
more information about that because I want to know every detail.
But yeah, I love that Acela helped with Todd. Some
newer people that are just watching the show, some ACE
(12:16):
people say like, oh, it's just so like not complex,
Like Todd is just like strictly a sexual in the
sense of like he has no sexual attraction, and that's
not every ACE person. I'm cool with that, Like that's
that's one way to show what an asexual person is.
So yeah, it's it's fascinating, Like newer people that are
(12:39):
watching the show now some ACE people are like, eh,
we need better.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
It sounds like it goes back to what you were
saying that we just the ACE community just needs more representation,
right because the one character is not going to represent
the entire community.
Speaker 6 (12:52):
I would love a show that just focused on asexual
people so you can see the different kinds of ACE
people and a romantic people. Like even just one show
like Bojak can help so much, and we honestly don't
have that. We do not have a single television show
(13:13):
or film that the main character is asexual. It's wild.
It's twenty twenty five.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
You know, we'll be taking a quick break. Don't miss us.
Speaker 2 (13:27):
Thanks for sticking around.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
We are back.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Do you think there's any like characters out there from
film and television that.
Speaker 3 (13:34):
Maybe are like not outwardly asexual, but.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
Almost a sexual coded the character who never gets married,
who is always single, or who you know. I mean,
it's just in some ways romantically is standing out from
the rest of the characters in the cast.
Speaker 6 (13:49):
I'm literally hopefully going to write a book about this,
like just to help people understand what asexuality and a
romanticism is. I'll I could talk about that for twenty
four hours straight. But one good example, in my opinion
is Sherlock Holmes. If you guys have seen like the
BBC's Sherlock, that was like my first, like huge introduction
(14:13):
into that world. They never say it, They never really
bring up what his exact sexual orientation is. But I
remember back in the day in Tumblr, that's when I
first saw the word asexual or demisexual. I was like, huh,
he's totally that. Like Sherlock is just focused on the case.
(14:33):
He just wants to solve it. He's obsessed with like
details and really not concerned with having sex or being
in a relationship. And man, if that could just happen now,
if we could have a main character like that, say
like I'm a sexual, I'm a romantic, I'm successful, I'm intelligent,
(14:55):
I'm complex.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
I love that. And what are some common misconceptions about asexual?
Speaker 6 (15:01):
Yeah, it's it's so funny. Like, especially as a screenwriter,
some people I don't I personally don't like writing actual
sex scenes. I'm cool with characters having sex in my scripts,
but I don't like showing the actual act. I like
doing the before and after for example. You know, but
(15:23):
a lot of screenwriters love writing sex scenes. Obviously totally fine,
do it please, But just because I don't like writing that,
some people are like, oh, you hate sex. A sexual
people hate sex. They're so like negative when it comes
to sex, and like, I'm the opposite of that. Like
(15:44):
people can be sexually free. They cannot have it, they
could hate it, they can love it, like I'm all
about it. So that's that's a huge misconception, like, oh,
you're just so puritanical you don't want sex and stories,
And that's not true at all. In fact, like a
lot of asexual people write smutty things or read smut,
(16:09):
which is awesome. There's many sexual people that are sex
workers or a lot of like kinky asexual people, and
you know that use like a lot of different like
toys and stuff, and yeah, I really want to show
that eventually in my work. That again, it's such a
wide spectrum. And like just because people asexual people aren't
(16:32):
attracted to sex, that doesn't mean they can't enjoy it either.
So asexual people some do have sex because they they
actually like the act. They're just not attracted to it.
They're not like oh, I want to do that every night.
But they can enjoy it because they want to be
intimate with their partner, or they like giving their partner pleasure,
(16:55):
or just so many examples, or sometimes the people want
to have children for example. Yeah, asexual people can have sex,
some love it and some again read and write smut
and everything you can think of.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
I'm curious if we can go back and talk about
your asexuality journey. You've talked a little bit about Tumblr,
about TV and film. Take us to the beginning and
when you first started to explore this part of yourself. Man,
such a great question.
Speaker 6 (17:29):
So being in Florida, there's nothing to do and it's
the worst, sorry Florida. But because of that, I wanted
to have hobbies. So I started like singing with my
twin sister, and because of that, I did like musical
theater in high school. And it was interesting because, like I,
(17:52):
I was chosen to play like sexy roles, probably because
I'm a Latino, so it's a stereotype obviously, but that's all.
I was like kind of forced to play in musicals,
and like, I loved it. I had so much fun.
But then off stage, I was like the opposite of that,
and and a lot of the people in my theater
program were confused. They're like, I mean, you're like, you're
(18:15):
a sexy latina, Like why don't you have a boyfriend?
Weren't you sleeping around? And it's such a stupid, like
misconception obviously, but I did question that myself too. I
was like, huh, that's interesting, like why aren't I And
you know, actors are a lot of the times the
opposite of what they are on stage, so I was like, yeah,
that's what it is. It's fine. I also grew up religious.
(18:40):
I was Catholic when I was younger, not anymore, but
you know, I had that like my grandma always said like,
don't have sex, are going to get pregnant, don't have
sex or going to get pregnant. So I had that
in my head. And then I also, yeah, had that
latina stereotype put onto me. So I was like, yeah,
I'm gonna have sex until I'm married. It's fine. I
(19:03):
don't want to anyway. And then I was like then
I went to college and I was still in Florida,
and I was like, Okay, I'm gonna date, I'm gonna
I'm gonna have sex. I'm gonna be like a quote
unquote normal person. And then I dated and I didn't
want to do that, and I was like that's fine.
I'm still young. I'm like nineteen, it's fine. And then
(19:25):
it just that kept happening. Then I moved to La
when I was around like twenty two twenty three, and
I was like, oh, I'm in La. Now I'm totally
gonna find someone. I want to write, That's what I'm
supposed to do. And it just like the years kept
going on and on and on, and I was like
I really don't want to. I really don't. And then
(19:46):
I was like, okay, do I have trauma, which is
still a valid thing, Like some asexual people have sexual
trauma and they that's why they don't want to have sex.
Totally valid. So I was like, oh, let me like
go to a therapist. And then my therapist said like, yeah,
I should go ind go out and meet people. And
in my head I was like I don't want to
and that should be okay, Like is there something? Is
(20:09):
there something wrong with me? But I know there isn't
because I'm happy. That's the difference too. I feel like
people that go to therapy for like sexual problems in
their relationship. If they're like totally okay with not having
sex with their partner, they might be asexual. If it
hurts them that and they're sad that they don't have
sex with their partner, then that might be something else.
(20:32):
But yeah, basically that's my journey is like I never
I never changed. I never wanted to have sex with people,
and if I did, it was only when they were
like my best friend for years and I was like, huh,
I wonder if there's anyone else like me out there.
And then obviously Sherlock and BoJack Horsemen like honestly saved
(20:57):
my life because it was really depressing. I was like, yeah,
I'm odd. I don't know what I am, And if
I knew in high school, I mean i'd be it'd
be a lot better for me in the long run.
But but I know now, which is great.
Speaker 2 (21:13):
So for our listeners, can you tell us a little
bit more about the terminology, because I think it's almost
in a way similar to like transgender and cis gender.
I think that there are a lot of folks who
have never heard the term cisgender or don't know that
there is a balance there with the terminology, So can
(21:33):
you kind of go into the terminology a sexual allosexual?
Speaker 6 (21:37):
Alosexual is a sexual orientation of like people that experience
sexual attraction, which is you would think a lot of
the different sexual attractions, right. But it's harmful because so
many people think everyone is alosexual, right, which means no
one's a sexual And yeah, if people don't even know
(22:01):
the term allosexual, how are they even going to understand
that there's like another opposite like spectrum to that. And
I feel like how years ago when everyone's born, everyone thought, Okay,
you're only one gender. I feel like everyone thinks that
everyone's allosexual, and that could be harmful for people that aren't.
(22:25):
And again, that's why it's important that cis gender is
a word that can be you know, put out there more.
That's why it's important that allosexual is a word that
can be put out there more, because you can't just
assume everyone is allosexual. For example, is.
Speaker 1 (22:44):
There anything else you'd like to share about a sexuality
or how we can how we can include a sexuality
in the broader sex said conversation and curriculum.
Speaker 6 (22:56):
So I wish in high school that it was part
of sexual education in high school when I was coming up.
I mean, I'm an oldie now, but you know, it
was just like, okay, this is how too straight people
have sex, right, And it wasn't anything about like queer
(23:17):
sex or hey, you might not want to do this.
So I think just literally bringing it up as much
as every other sexual orientation, like we know, well, the
world still needs to be more informed, but at least
we know what LGBTQIA plus means. But a lot of
(23:37):
people think that AA means ally, but it really stands
for a sexual, a romantic, and a gender. So I
think just putting it out there more like there's a
lot of ACE people in the world. I think I
believe it's like one percent of the population, which is
like millions of people. And those are just the people
(23:59):
that quote unquote out like I'm sure there's a lot
more a sexual people than because they haven't realized it yet.
So yeah, millions and millions of people are being excluded
every single time people talk about sex, and I think
that should change because again, asexual people can have sex
(24:23):
and do have sex and do enjoy it and do
you know, have it in different ways and you know,
read like a lot of these people read fan fiction
and like smudy fan fiction and smody books and erotica
and watch porn, so like, yeah, a sexual people shouldn't
(24:44):
be excluded, and if anything, they might have a different
perspective because we're kind of almost like experts on like
romantic attraction and sexual attraction and like the differences and
like the wide spectrums of both. So I think just
even adding those perspectives can really strengthen a conversation about
(25:06):
sex in general.
Speaker 2 (25:08):
What do you think is like an essential asexual sex
education to make it fully well rounded.
Speaker 6 (25:15):
Yeah, a lot of asexual people are great with like
intimacy and like touch and like hugging or pleasing their
partners in certain ways, but some of them don't like
the actual like penetration act of it. But they could
still do a lot more than that, right, Like sex
(25:37):
is so much more than just that penetrative act, So
that would be great just to like, I don't know,
have a panel on like these are the different ways
to be intimate with your partner without the penetrative act
and other sexual ways without the penetrative act or not
(26:00):
even like what you think of sexual romantic things, just
other ways to be intimate, like, I mean, I don't know.
I feel like in a way like best friends can
be intimate, Like I feel like going to Disneyland is intimate, right,
It's just what you also label it as like, so yeah,
it's just interesting. It's a huge again, a huge spectrum.
(26:22):
So I think there's just a lot of ways to
have sex and be intimate without the penetrative act.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
I love that. Thank you so much for giving us
that nuance. And it sounds like like with every sexuality
there's nuance, right, there's also a lot of specific ways
a person can identify right, as with any sexuality as well.
So thank you for providing some more insight.
Speaker 2 (26:49):
I want to know. Is there like a list of
things you should never say to an a sexual person
or never ask an asexual person.
Speaker 6 (26:56):
Oh, I've had someone be like, wait, how could you
be in a relationship if you don't have sex? Isn't
that the whole point? I'm just like, oh, like, I
feel sorry for you. I'm trying to my god everything,
(27:17):
I'm trying to think what else? Oh, have you ever
had sex before? When is the last time you had sex?
I think like a better question is just like, oh,
tell me if you want tell me more about a
sexuality and then I honestly don't feel like any sexual
person would be mad or sad about that, Like we
(27:39):
love talking about it because it's so underrepresented.
Speaker 1 (27:43):
What I learned from both Edies and Gina is that
asexuality is nuanced and just like any other sexuality, it
ebbs and flows. There are so many ways for an
individual to express their own asexuality or a romanticism. And
I really liked the language that Gina gave us to
(28:06):
really expand our knowledge and how to include asexual folks
in the sex ed curriculum and conversations.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
Next time on Senora Sex Said, we're hearing from Laura
and Virginya from California, Latinas for Reproductive Justice nos vemos Chow.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Senora Sex Said is a co production between Locata Productions
and Michael Dura Podcast Network.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
This show is executive produced by Mala Munos and Dios FM.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Also executive produced by Jisell Bances.
Speaker 3 (28:38):
Produced by Stephanie Franco.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Creative direction by Mala Munios.
Speaker 3 (28:43):
Story editing by Biosafem.
Speaker 1 (28:45):
Music direction by Grisol Lomeli, and.
Speaker 3 (28:48):
Music produced by Brian Gazzo.
Speaker 4 (29:02):
That everything book can be at that a book can
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