A Savage Weekly Update - Into the Thick of It

Being independent and being in a relationship...the much-requested Savage update.  Savage takes us through the highs and lows of being ultra-independent and how it has its challenges.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ooh seven. I like to keep it real simple. All right,
it's about that time. It's Wednesday, and this episode is
a much requested episode. So here I go. We are

(00:20):
into the think of it, into the think of it.
So we're talking about my relationship and how I am doing,
where I'm at, what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, all

(00:40):
all of those things that everyone keeps asking that I'm
not necessarily avoiding but kind of processing. I guess on
my own, just diving straight into it. Being an extremely
extremely independent person, whether woman or you just say person,
whichever you want to say, is up to you. I

(01:02):
think that there are a lot of women that are
in my lives saying hey, this resonates with me. And
every now and again I will get a guy that
comes in and says, hey, I want to stay single too,
And I've been single for a really long time. So
either way, being independent man, woman, it doesn't matter. I
can only speak on my perspective of things. So being

(01:23):
an extremely independent person, this has been very interesting, very
very interesting for me because I was married and once
I made that call of this isn't working for me
and the marriage ended, there was just something I'm not

(01:48):
really quite sure what to even call it, but maybe
a piece of myself that I gained back in the
relationship that I'm in right now with Josh. There have
been many, many conversations, and some of the conversations have been, Hey,
there needs to be three of us in this relationship.

(02:08):
There needs to be you, there needs to be me,
and there needs to be us. And I think the
reason I'm pushing that so hard is because I have
learned in the past that when one person gives up
everything of themselves I eat job, or how they really are,
how they really feel, who they really are, it ends

(02:32):
up being really bad and toxic because someone wakes up
one day and says, this is not who I am,
this is not who I wanted to become. Why is
this person trying to change me? Or why am I
completely changing before someone comes from me. I do think
it is normal for you to grow together. What I

(02:54):
don't think works ultimately is if one person and completely
gives themself up the entire time for that other person.
For an example, when I was married before, I was
at a point in my coaching career very successful, really

(03:17):
enjoyed it, and when it came time to have my
son I coached for a little while, and I took
a step back. It was just it was too much
for both of us to be coaching at night, coaching
on the weekends, gone at night, gone on the weekends,
and it really wasn't fair. It wasn't fair for my
child to be sitting on the sideline and parents watching

(03:40):
him and him having to whether it's brave, the weather
or you know, whatever it might be. I just I
didn't want that for him and didn't think that that
was fair. And then I also looked into the future,
because I tend to do that quite a bit. I
don't know that's good or bad, but I listened to
the future and said, but at some point, if we

(04:02):
are both coaching and both gone every night and every weekend,
whatever he decides to do, we will both miss. And
that is not fair for us to bring a child
into this world and say, hey, we're gonna go and
we're gonna coach everyone else's children and literally push you
to the side. So that was not fair at all.

(04:23):
So I felt like I needed to take that step back.
I was gonna nurse, I was gonna whatever, and I
felt like I completely just put my career on hold.
Do I regret it, Absolutely not. I do not regret it.
But I will say there's a lot of pieces and
parts that don't get talked about. And I hope you

(04:45):
guys just kind of follow along because I know it's
gonna seem like I'm kind of all over the board,
but it will come back around the full circle, I promise.
But there's a lot of pieces in parts of people
don't talk about. When you have a child, you are
forced to be selfless. Yes, you just you're forced to
be and that's fine. I mean, that little baby cannot
fit for him or herself at all, so you have

(05:09):
to give up certain things and that's okay, there's nothing
wrong with that. But what people don't explain is you
give up a lot of yourself your time, which is fine,
your sanity just fine, but a piece of who you are.
I no longer was Heather. I was Cohen's mom, and

(05:32):
then it became Cohen's mom, Kurt's wife. Like I just
wasn't even addressed anymore as Heather. Once I gave up
my career and took that step back where I shouldn't
say I give it up completely. I coached here and there,
but nothing even close. I was coaching college club, nothing
even close to what I was doing beforehand. So changing

(05:55):
gears and changing roles and literally being Cohen's mom, Kurt's wife,
that was very, very different for me. And I know
a lot of people can resonate with this. Is you
almost feel lost, forgotten third fiddle, and not even second fiddle.
Like third fiddle, you take a different role on and

(06:20):
you lose a good amount of yourself and who you are.
And again maybe it's you're just shifting gears because you're
now in mom mode and there's things that you have
to do, But being a mom changes you staying at
home because I was basically a stay at home mom.
I still coached a small amount and still ran a

(06:42):
few companies, but for the most part, the meat and
potatoes of what I did was cared for my child.
So becoming a mom takes a piece away from you.
And I don't mean that in a bad way. I
would never ever change having my child. He is literally

(07:03):
the most amazing thing that has ever come into my life.
He has shown me love, that unconditional love that I
feel like I've never ever had. I would not change
that for the world, but to become a better person,
to be able to function a little differently, to be
able to think through things differently and not feel as

(07:26):
though I'm just drownding in laundry or dishes, or making
dinner or figuring out this or that, tending to the house.
It was almost like I felt handcuffed or like a
ball and chain of just this is who you are now,
this is what you're gonna do. That's it, And I

(07:49):
was extremely unhappy for a long time. I was happy
that I was able to spend as much time as
I was able to spend with my son, and I
still contributed financially. Like I said, I did coaching part time,
it wasn't as full time as I was before, and
I helped run companies and did what I needed to do,
so I still was able to contribute financially, because I

(08:11):
feel like if I weren't able to contribute at all
and get out of the house to do anything ever,
that would have taken a huge mental toll. It's like
that now. If there is a day that I'm just
stuck at home and I haven't gotten out of the house,
i haven't gone and taken a walk, I haven't physically
gotten my car and gone somewhere. It mentally plays tricks

(08:34):
on me. I just feel like, oh, a day was wasted,
a day has gone. I didn't seize the day. Mentally,
it just kind of plays. It plays with me, for sure.
So as a person who has always, always, always been independent,
even when I was little, My mom made the comment
to me a couple of weeks back. She said, Josh

(08:56):
and her are talking and he said something to her
about being into and my Mom's like, now you know
how I feel. She said. Heather was five or six
and was extremely independent, and literally, I feel like she
hasn't needed me since. And that's definitely something that makes
you take a step back when your own mother is saying, hey,
you didn't need me, Like literally, I was there for you.

(09:18):
You know, I was your mom, I did things for you,
all of that, but you literally wanted to be doing
things on your own at the age of five and six.
That really hit home. I know I'm independent, I've always
known I've been independent, but to that level that your
mom tells you that, you're like, oh, hold on a second,
wait a minute. So putting that into perspective and saying

(09:40):
I'm independent and then getting into a marriage where it
seemed as though that independence was completely gone and it
wasn't a hymn me and us. It was more him
and kind of us. And should that have changed? Should
that have been a, hey, we need to get in

(10:02):
counseling figure this out. Could have should have would a?
Did I express some concerns, absolutely, because y'all know I'm
not gonna keep quiet. You know I'm not gonna keep quiet.
But knowing how independent I was, in part of me,
feeling like I needed to depend on him for whatever

(10:22):
it might have been really didn't sit well with me
at all. And I did have friends say why don't
you go go back into a career, you know, put
Cohen into a daycare, or do this or do that.
And it was hard because I had three miscarriages before
I had Cohen, So having Cohen was wait a minute, like,

(10:45):
this child is my responsibility. This is a gift. This
is a gift from God. Not that all children are
not they are, but I think it's a different thought
process when you've gone through so many losses before you
have your child. My heart goes out to people that
that have miscarriages because I remember just the emotional rollercoasters,
every time I would try to pee on a stick

(11:05):
and it was negative, or if it was positive, and
then I would go in. I'd get my hopes up
and I was excited and they're like, uh, sorry, you're
miscarring right now. Or we don't hear a heartbeat, let's
do a DNC. So all of those things I think
played a factor in me not wanting to go back
to work full time and leave him with somebody else.
I think it would have been different had I been

(11:26):
able to leave him. Hey, you know, with his dad,
you can take him half the day and then I'll
get them half the day and things like that. But
that really wasn't the case. So I felt guilty leaving
him with someone else and having someone else raise him.
So I was in the trenches and I said, this
is what I'm gonna do. I'm going to stay with
him as much as I can stay with him. I

(11:47):
will work in the times that I'm able to work
and just get my grind on. But I feel like
my independence was just literally taken. And I think that
that happened, you know when you have kids, and I
think that's natural, and you know, a piece of that
is natural but when you have the new mom and

(12:08):
you have someone that travels all the time or someone
that is gone, you do feel like your independence has
completely been just washed away whatsoever. And again I don't
want anyone hearing that I am complaining or upset about
my independence being gone because of my child. That that

(12:28):
is not the case whatsoever. I don't think people explain
it though, in a way that it's almost like a
postpart And when people don't really explain that either of saying, hey,
you know, you might go through this or that they
don't really sit and say this is what's going to happen.
People also don't say when you have a child what

(12:49):
it does to a marriage either. So there are a
lot of things that I could go on and on about,
but I feel like this is a key topic for
independent people in general. So being independent, feeling like I
didn't have that finally saying look I can't do this,
I'm not being heard whatever whatever it was. You know,

(13:09):
with a divorce thing, we get divorced, and I feel
like a weight was just literally lifted off of my shoulders.
I could do what I wanted to do. Not that
I don't anybody to think, you know, I was being
bullied or ruled or anything like that. That's not it's
not the case, but it's a different level. When you

(13:31):
are making all of the decisions. You don't have someone
that is next to you saying, eh, you should do that,
Eh you shouldn't do that. And on the flip side,
you know you don't have that person there to help
you if you need those decisions right to be ran by.
But it's just being uber independent knowing that Okay, I'm

(13:52):
going back to relying on myself. I know I'm not
going to let myself down. Being able to focus on
what I wanted to focus on and needed to focus on,
and it was almost like being very independent and driven
at the same time. Is I don't know if that's
a good cocktail or not, but it really allowed me

(14:14):
to just recenter and refocus and I felt like that
weight had been lifted. But I felt like a big
piece of myself was back. And I know that sounds
really funny, but that's really how I felt. So for
four and a half years, I talked to someone, dated

(14:37):
someone whatever you want to call it, for a bottom months.
And when I mean dated, I mean we went out
on dates, we hung out. We took a trip we
you know, like a little tiny weekend trip whatever. Like
we were dating, we weren't seeing anyone else, like we
legitimately were dating for like a month. And I realized,
and I think he realized. We both realized it was

(14:58):
just too soon. Like he had said I love you
at one point, and I'm like, oh my god, this
is scaring the living crap out of me. This is
really early. I'm only what six months out of my divorce.
Like we had separated in October and technically had been
gotten divorced in like February, so I think that was
what March or April. So I'm like, really just a

(15:20):
month or two out of the divorce. Divorce, but the
separation in Ohio, you don't live together, so you don't
live together, you're legally separated. You could do whatever you want.
But I just knew. I was like, this is too soon,
this is not what I want. And it was fun
to go out on dates and have someone soon over you,
but in the same token, I'm like, I'm I'm not

(15:41):
really ready for that piece either. So after that person,
I went on dates here or there, had fun, but
just never let anyone get close to me. It was
when I would see something I knew would be a
flag for me, or to a flag, I'm like, nah,
I'm good. And a lot of it was my barometer

(16:08):
for things was if I would never, ever, ever in
my life introduce this person to my child. I have
zero business being around them and dating them, like zero,
because at the end of the day, what's gonna happen
is I'm gonna get hurt or they are gonna get
hurt or whatever, my whatever, my health like feelings, right

(16:28):
feelings are gonna get caught one way or the other.
And if I know that I shouldn't be dating them
and they're never gonna meet my child, then that's just
fooling myself or fooling them, and that's not fair and
that's not cool. So anytime I would see that, or
I don't know it would even come close to that,
I'd be like, nope, I'm good. And I was ever
mean or rude or anything. I just was always very

(16:49):
upfront and straightforward. And that's just kind of how it was.
After dating some people here or they excuse me, I
shouldn't say dating talk to here or there. A lot
of the times, adding social media to the mix, right,
So adding social media on what maybe a year year
and a half after that person that I did for

(17:11):
that month, adding that in, it was hard to find
out who was really wanting to date you for you
or who was wanting to date you to gain more followers,
which is so fucking disgusting, but it happened. It happened
a lot. Who was wanting to try and date you
for more followers, who was wanting to try to get
in where they could fit in per se. So you

(17:32):
kind of had to like watch for that too, which,
like I said, is so jacked up, but it's true
and it happens. But being independent and knowing I didn't
want anyone in my space that I felt like wasn't
going to bring me peace, and actually has a conversation
with Josh other day said having someone in your space

(17:53):
as an independent person, you don't need them. It's more
of a I want them here, and when it turns
into I don't want them here. As super independent, you
can just be like, Okay, this is not working for me,
thank you, but here's the conversation we need to have
and this is just not working. So that was able

(18:16):
to be had on numerous occasions with people of hey,
I don't think this is right. You're super cool, like
we can still be friends, not a problem, but just
I'm not feeling the whole dating thing with you. But
knowing how independent I am, I always in the back
of my mind thought do I even want any kind

(18:36):
of relationship whatsoever. So I would say a year year
and a half in at you know, as a social
media was like getting bigger. I really had no desire.
I really just didn't. I did talk to someone that
was also on social media for a couple of months,

(18:56):
nice person. Just distance was issue and it was just
that's all. That's what it was. So I kind of
feel like it was a safe thing for me too,
knowing that there was distance there, meaning the person was

(19:19):
was great, there was nothing wrong with the person. But
I think part of me looking back was like, Okay,
this is a distance thing. I know we're not going
to see each other that much. That's probably a good
thing for me at this point of you know, not
having someone in my space twenty four to seven, because
that can be hard to So once Josh came to

(19:44):
the birthday party, I don't think people understood how guarded
I don't even know if guard it is right where
just how dismissive I was when it came to him saying, hey,
I really can't stop thinking about you. I mean my
response was, oh, thank you. Actually the first response was

(20:05):
oh thank you, Oh by the way, blah blah blah,
like I totally switched the subject and dismissed it because
I didn't we were friends. I didn't want to be
rude to him, but I also I didn't want to
hurt his feelings. But I also didn't want any kind
of relationship. I was so happy being able to come home,

(20:27):
do what I want to do, not have to answer
to anyone. No one getting mad at me if I'm
on alive too long, no one getting mad at me
if someone jumps in my chat and says some crazy
stuff because I can't help it. I mean, that's someone
saying it, like I can help how I respond, But
whatever they say, I mean, that's on them. So it
just I don't know. It was just so nice. I

(20:48):
had myself back, I was able to come and go
as I wanted to. I had no desire to be
locked down in any kind of relationship whatsoever. I just didn't.
So when he approached, I was like, mah, we're good.
We're good because I'm living my best life right now.
I love going out and going dancing with my friends,
hanging out with my friends, and just literally didn't have

(21:11):
a care in the world. I was fine. So a
long times Josh with the hey, I can't stop thinking
about you, blah blah blah, and I was extremely dismissive.
And then it was, hey, I should probably tell you this,
like I wanted to come back and kiss you, and
that stopped me for a second. I'm like, would I
have even wanted that? And I asked myself that and
I did not respond to him right away. It might've

(21:32):
even been the next day, Like I just wasn't sure,
and I thought, ugh, I mean my first I was like, well, wow,
would I have wanted that? And wow? Did I give
up that vibe? Because as he was leaving, When he
was leaving my house, you know, we gave each other
a hug, and I made sure I kept my head
down because I'm like, I know how this goes. I

(21:55):
am not trying to lead this man on at all.
I know there is a you don't cross that line,
and so I literally kept my head straight down. I
made sure. I don't remember if he gave me a
kiss on the forehead. I don't remember that. I just
remember him hugging me, hugging him, you know whatever. And
then he left. So when he sent that, I was like,
did I give this man some message? Because I am

(22:16):
not trying to be in any relationship, let alone a
long distance relationship. I'm not trying any like. I'm good.
I'm good with no, I'm good. So as things progress,
as we just kind of chatted a little bit throughout
that week, and then when he came back, he was
supposed to come back anyway, so he had asked if
I wanted to go to the Reds game with his
son and my son, and again I was dismissive, even

(22:39):
though we were friends. I'm like, well, if I don't
got anything to do when he's here, I'll go. I
did not go and get tickets early. I did not
even tell my son about it. I was just like, Eh,
if it happens, it happens, fine, no problem. That's just
how dismissive I was with wanting anyone to get close
to me. So as we spoke a little bit throughout
that week and then he's like, okay, I'm coming. I

(22:59):
was like, well, just come today, came down. It was
just it was different. So everyone knows the story about
the first kiss and how magical that was and all
of those things, and I think when he was talking
to me about stuff and we kind of like, oh wait,
hold on, we have the same belief in that and
this and that, it was kind of like, huh, this

(23:20):
could be interesting. I still didn't have it in my
head of wanting to date him. I still didn't have
it in my head of wanting to be serious with anyone.
I still didn't have it in my head of this
is going to be a boyfriend. Like I just did not.
I was so happy with the time I was able
to have with my son. We could come and go
as we wanted. You know, on the days I didn't

(23:41):
have him, I would hang out on Live or got
with my friends. There was just literallyge I don't know,
just not a care. I was loving my independence. So
he comes in, the kiss happens, and I'm like, wow,
this is really fun. I'm having a great time. He
likes the same things. I like, Okay, this is really cool.

(24:05):
Then we came across a deal breaker and instantly I
am like, no, I'm good, I'm done. And we had
to work through that, and it took a while to
work through that. There's still times where I'm like, I
don't know, and I think it's because I don't want
to sacrifice. Like I said before, I felt like I

(24:28):
gave up a lot of who I was at the
time in my marriage, you know, being a mom, whatever
it might be, I gave up a lot of who
I was I am not after gaining that independence back,
I'm not willing to ever do that again. And that
might sound harsh, that might sound mean, that might sound

(24:49):
as though I'm being dismissive again. It's not. I'm very
open with him. I'm very clear of Hey, my son
comes first and foremost. And it's gonna be a toss
up between my career and I know y'all are going
to roast me for this, but hear me out, please,
between my career and between you. Because I have worked

(25:10):
really hard with building my savage family that I love
like a true family. I don't want to lose them.
I don't want to just abandon I don't want to
just say Okay, you're here, now it's time for me, No,
absolutely not. I don't want to give up careers that
I have done in the past for men. I don't

(25:32):
I don't want that. I just don't want that. So
I've been very clear with him from day one of hey,
my son has to be first and foremost. Cannot I
cannot put him on a back burner. And when we
first started dating, like, we were together all the time,
and it happened to work out that a lot of
it would be on the days that my son was

(25:55):
with his dad. So when Josh will come up on Wednesday's,
Wednesdays and Fridays with his dad, So that ended up
working out. And then Thursday's, Josh has his own stuff
to do in the evening, so I would still have
my time with my son. So it worked out, but
I had to explain to him, Hey, you know this,
this is kind of the pecking order for now, and

(26:16):
I care about you, but I can't give up. It's
not healthy for me, nor will it be healthy for
our relationship if I literally just give up my independence. Again,
part of the independence is my career, is me connecting
with my savage fam, is you know, podcast, is all
of those things. I cannot do that because I know

(26:38):
what that did to me, meant to lead and that
was a place I didn't like and that's the place
I am not prepared to go back to. So whether
that's me just holding so tight to my independence or
me being a little stubborn, or whatever it might be,
it is still something that we I don't even want

(26:59):
to say discuss. It's just it's something that I make
known in a way of when he's like, hey, you're
working a lot, or hey you're doing this, or hey
you're doing that, I'm like, please remember, I don't want
to feel as though I'm completely giving this up. And
we have the discussion and he's been great about it.
He's like, I don't want you to do that. I
completely understand. And I also challenge him because he was

(27:22):
coming up a lot and I said, okay, what are
you doing? And not in a mean way, because I
just came across a little bitchy, but not in that way.
It's okay, what are you doing? He sold his insurance agency,
and I said, okay, what is what's your goal? What
are your aspirations? What do you want to do? And
he explained to me what he wanted to do. I'm like, okay,
then you you definitely need to do them. I'm not

(27:44):
going to stand in your way. You definitely need to
go do those. So I would say a month month
and a half in, we sat down and I was like, Okay,
when are you going to start doing what you've been
wanting to do. He's like, you're right, you know, I
wanted to take a little break from in the insurance
industry for so long and doing this and doing that.
I which wanted my little break, and now he's back

(28:05):
at it, which I think is great. But I think
that me also encouraging him to have his independence is
important to me as well, because I don't want a
relationship where I'm solely reliant or depending on him and
vice versa, because I don't think that's healthy either. And
I don't think that's healthy whether it's mentally, physically financially.

(28:30):
I don't think that's healthy for one person to be
so just needy with that other person because it puts
stress on the other person. Right, So let's say I
am super needy and I need him to take care
of me in every aspect. That's a lot of pressure
for him and a lot of stress on him. And

(28:53):
then if he's not delivering in whatever aspect that I need,
then now I'm putting an extra pressure on him, and
I don't want to do that. I think that. No,
I know that in my forty eight years, I am
at a place that I look back in my past
relationships and I say, this worked and this did not work.
I get it. He is a different person, but I

(29:16):
don't want the same end results. So when I say, Okay,
hey Josh, this is similar to this, well, I'm not
that person. Okay, I need you to not say that,
because I understand it. Not that person. But this happened,
This happened, This was the outcome. Then we talked there Okay,
well this happened. This is not ever going to happen,
so this will not be the outcome. But having that

(29:38):
constant communication I think has been key for us because
Josh does not understand, or did not. He is still learning.
He did not understand how to be with someone so independent.
He's like, I know you don't need me, and that
is hard for a man to hear. All I need
to know, though, is that you want me. So when
you're not showing me that you want me, because I

(30:01):
know you don't need me. Then it makes me feel
a certain way, and I get it because the independent
piece of my son making sure I'm doing everything I'm
being asked to do from every area on the career
side can get crazy and hectic, and I can be

(30:22):
exhausted at times, and he does come third at times,
and y'all can come for me and say, oh, I
would never do that, you lion, You're lion. We all
know you're lion. It happens, It happens. But I have
to expect that of him too, that there is going
to be a time and not every single day, not
every single second, no, absolutely not, but there might be

(30:44):
a time that I have to be second or third.
He is a dad and he has to be a dad,
and I have to allow him to be a dad.
One percent. Have to allow that, and I push that
and I want that, and I don't want to take
any time from him that he is able to spend
with his kids. I'm very very vocal about that. So

(31:06):
there are times where it's going to be a shift
right in that balance of what place he comes in,
and I guess, as his partner, I have to make
sure he understands that I still want him but being
so independent and having the things that I have on
my plate, there are times where I don't do a

(31:30):
good enough job for him. You know, He'll say, hey,
I need this from you or that from you, and
I tell him, I'm like, I love you, but you
got to understand. And I know this is going to
resonate with so many people. I sometimes feel like a
stretch doll. And when I have, you know, my son
with one arm, and I have my career with another arm,
and I have just life in general with one leg,

(31:53):
and then I have something else on the other, I'm like,
you know, Josh on the other, I'm like, there are
times where I feel like I'm stretched a line. Or
the analogy I give him all the time is he's like,
buy me this, and I need this, I need so
I'm like, listen, you have to know when my cup
is empty, you can't be the sand that drops in
that cup and weighs it down. You have to take

(32:15):
a step back and see, Okay, she's not able to
give me this because she's exhausted. She's not able to
give me this because of this. It's not a choice
of her saying I will not give you that. I'm
choosing not to give you that. It is a holy crap,
this woman is in seventy fivey eleven directions and she
is just not able to give me that right now.

(32:35):
So that's where those balances of it can't always be
one hundred right or fifty to fifty, Like it might
be a eighty twenty one day and then the swap,
it might be twenty eighty the next. So understanding that,
and then on top of it, being that independent person,
he has had to really take a step back, and
God bless him, he googled how to be with an
independent person because I have told him there have been

(32:59):
times where this has come from my mouth, Hey, I
need some space, and he's like, what do you mean
you need some space? Well, I don't understand that. Why
would you need some space for me? Are you mad
at me? Do not love me? Do you not want
to be with me? Like? Like literally, and I'm so
opposite of that that I'm like, stop being so needy,
like I will tell you. And so it's just literally

(33:19):
getting to know each other. Right. But it's funny to
me because I'm like, no, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying this is this is this, and this is that.
So I've told him a few times, like, hey, I
need some space. It might be good like when you
go down, it might be good for one extra day,
or it might be good whatever. I can get caught

(33:40):
up on work. I can spend some extra time with Cohen.
I want some quality time with him. I need this
or I need that. And the first time I asked
her that, he was like beside himself, like what does
this mean? Like I don't understand, And I'm like, you
need to understand. Someone that's independent doesn't have to have
someone They're able to handle their stuff. You know, I

(34:01):
can take care of my house. Am I tired? Well, yeah,
but I can take care of the house. I can
do this, I can do that. And I don't want
to rely on anyone else. So one's gonna be hard
for me to ask you to do things. Two, I
will appreciate when you do those things, for sure, I
will appreciate them. But three, there will be some times
where I'm gonna have to ask, hey, I just need
a little space or I need some me time. And

(34:24):
he did not understand the me time. He did not
get that. So that was a struggle of getting him
to understand that. I mean, he was I don't know how.
It is probably not the best analogy, but like a
little kid like kicking in, screaming like how dare you like?
What about me? What about me? And I'm like, that
doesn't work for me? Like that, that's probably the opposite

(34:46):
of what I need. You know right now, I'm I'm
a grown woman. I can articulate to you what my
wants are and what my needs are and what my
desires are. And if a grown woman is coming to
you and saying, hey, I need a second, I need
some me time, it's good for her to have that.
It's good for you to have that, because when she
can recharge, when I can recharge my batteries, I'm a

(35:09):
better person after that. I don't have to have someone
in my face to help me recharge my batteries. I
actually don't mind being by myself, whether it's taking a walk,
whether it's going and doing whatever. I don't mind having
that alone time. So I took that step back when
he was kind of, oh my goodness, I can't. I

(35:31):
don't know if I can give her space, Like should
I give you space? I not give you space. I
kind of said, Okay, I'm gonna need you to be
somewhat independent too. I need to know that you're not
gonna grumble with if there's a couple of days where
I have to be gone to work or this or that,
like you're gonna be okay. And those are just things
that we've kind of had to talk through, work through

(35:52):
all of that, but it is very new for him.
So when I made the comment about, hey, I think
i'm gonna disc that's the independence part and being in
a relationship, people were like, absolutely, I want to know.
I want to know. I want to know, And I'm
sure I could go on really long about this, but
a piece that I do want to talk about is

(36:15):
the mental struggle. And what I mean by that is
I love him. I love Josh, And this is probably
going to shock a lot of you, but there are
times where I love my independence more. I don't know
if I should say more, because I don't know if
that's necessarily the case, maybe equal or maybe just a

(36:36):
smidge less. And there are times that when I find
myself and this is me being so open and just
real with you guys. This is a piece I really
don't share. But when I am feeling as though I'm
being pulled in so many directions and I'm not able
to care for myself, meaning have some space or have

(37:00):
some time just for me. I crave that independence again.
I crave that, Hey, this was easier. This was easier
when it was just me and I didn't have to
put all this extra into something else. So I'm saying

(37:21):
this because I want to normalize this a little bit.
And what I mean by that is not well, just
go break up with people. I'm not saying that, but
I want to normalize that thought process and that feeling
of if you are having that thought and that feeling,
communicate to your partner and allow them to know where
you're at in your head. And if you are feeling

(37:45):
like it's all a bit much or you just need
a minute, you need to tell them that, because the
last thing you want to do is blow up at
them and then have no idea why you're upset or
what's going on. And furthermore, you don't want to just
blow up one day and be like I can't do this,
I'm done, I'm done if you can't communicate that with
them and say, hey, I am not And I have

(38:10):
definitely had this conversation with Josh, I said, look, I'm
not that person that has to have someone in my
face twenty four to seven. It's not that I don't
love you, it's not that I don't appreciate that you
want to be here. But if I have tons and
tons and tons of things going on, the last thing
I want is it. It's the same thing. Think about it.

(38:30):
You know if if your kid comes up and your
kid's like, I need this, I need this, I need this,
I need this, I need this, I need this, and
they really don't need it, but they just want that.
And You're like, you're fed, your clothed, you know, your bathe,
you're all of these things, like can I have five minutes?
You don't want to feel like you are running on
empty all the time. So I feel having your independence

(38:53):
still is important, especially if that's who you are. So
to be able to express that to Josh has been
really good because he hasn't run away and he has
been trying to learn and understand that. I do my
best at giving him what he needs. But there are

(39:14):
times where I'm like I am tapped out, and I
say that to him, I'm like, I am tapped it's
not that I don't love you, it's not that I
don't want to. I am tapped out and having these
long conversations with him. I told him, I'm like, look,
they're exhausting for me. When we have long conversations, Like
if I'm already pulled in seventeen thousand directions and we're

(39:36):
having a long conversation of this and this and this,
I'm like it it exhausts me. And again it makes
me question, like do I want my independence back? But
what I will say when I talk about normalizing the
discussion of your independence and wanting your independence, I will say,

(39:56):
when I sit down and think about do I want
my indepen and it's back? And do I want to
be single again? Or do I want to stay with him?
My thought always goes to, well, why would I not
want Why would I not want him here? This man
loves me. This man is extremely sweet to me, to

(40:17):
my son. He is someone that I would want my son,
you know, to be around. I come back to that
because we can get in our heads as independent people
and we can say, hey, we don't need anybody, we
don't need anybody. And I did that for four and
a half years. I didn't need anybody, I didn't want anybody.
I didn't give anyone genuinely the time of day. And

(40:40):
if you are one of those people out here listening,
I genuinely am sorry, because I do feel I learned
that more about myself in the last five six months
that if you were genuine and you were trying to
date me or ask me out or any of those things,

(41:02):
and I was just completely dismissive. Please don't take that personal.
I just really wasn't at a space that I wanted
or needed, and it was probably it definitely was for
the better. But there's my public apology to some people
that probably deserve it. But I don't think giving up
your independence, if you really are that kind of person,

(41:24):
is good or is smart. I think working with your
partner is the best situation that's as real as as
authentic as I possibly can be with you, guys. But
it can be a struggle as a busy single mom,
it can be a struggle when you feel like there's

(41:46):
someone else that you realize needs you. Yeah, it definitely
can be. But communication is key, and staying true to
yourself I think is key as well. I definitely and
really want to end on this note. I know life
can be hard, I know relationships can be hard. I

(42:09):
know that things are just hard in general. I am
definitely thankful for the relationship that I'm in. I am
beyond blessed with the son that I have, and words
cannot express how much I absolutely love the Savage Fans.
I come on into these recaps to not just help myself,

(42:31):
but to help anyone out there that might be going
through the same thing that I'm going through right now.
And on that note, I'm out