September 21, 2023 • 33 mins
All the tea as Josh responds to Savage's "Independence" episode
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ooh seven.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
I like to keep it real simple.
Speaker 3 (00:08):
All right, you guys, it's that time. So the last episode,
I dove into my independence and being in a relationship
and how I've kind of overcome that at times, but
I really want to keep my independence, and a lot
of you wanted Josh's response on that last episode. But
(00:30):
before we dive into that, let me say anything that
I had really said in that episode, or the majority
of what I had said in the episode, obviously were
things I had already had the conversation with Josh about.
So I don't know you're gonna hear in a second
to see if there was anything brand new, which I'm
kind of curious about. So I guess let's just go
ahead and and die.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
I didn't bring my notes notes notes after your podcast?
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Where are your notes?
Speaker 1 (00:58):
They're in my bag?
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Where's your Oh?
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Hold tight, you guys, Hold tight. He's about to go
get his notes. Okay, now that he's going down to
get his notes, like I didn't know. I didn't know that.
Get you a man that wants to take notes on you, guys.
Get you a significant other that's like, okay, I have
such a vested interest that I have to take notes.
But I told you he had to google how to
be with someone independent and me coming out and saying, hey,
(01:26):
here's here's how I am, here's how I feel. I
had so many people say, listen, you summed up how
I feel.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
You summed up why I don't want to be in
a relationship.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
You summed up on why I'm so guarded, and I'm
thankful for that.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
I mean, listen, is it right? Is it wrong? Is
it indifferent? I don't know. I just know that's how
I am.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
I know with the amount of hurts, the failed relationships,
the way I had been treated in the past, the
way I would give and not not really received it,
just there was a lot, and I just learned that
there are things I don't want to give up. There
are things I don't want to give up that make
me me. There are things that I feel I have
(02:08):
to keep in my life to keep who I am.
So if I don't have that, then I feel like,
well who am I? It's almost like you lose your
you lose your identity. And I really really feel that
the mom piece of once you become a mom and
you put all of your time and your energy, not
that that's wrong because I don't think I would do
(02:30):
it any differently. But you put your time and your
energy into your child, and I feel like that's just
a selfless thing. But while you're doing that, you lose
who you are. So so many of you said, oh,
I feel that I feel lost right now. And the
biggest piece that I can I can tell you is
go talk to your partner or your spouse, whoever that
(02:53):
might be right, the person you're in a relationship with.
If you're feeling that way, they might be able to say,
you know what, how you take a day for yourself
or how about you do X, Y and Z that
you used to do. I mean, they're probably not gonna
tell you to go twirk it out in the club
like you used to do, but they might have something
that might resonate with you to.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Gain who you are back.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
I don't think that you know your partner is coming
into this saying well, I want to change you or
you need to change for me.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
I think that's toxic. If you're in that kind of relationship,
that's a bit scary.
Speaker 3 (03:28):
My dad told me years and years and years ago,
God rest his soul, he said, girls married guys hoping
they will change. Guys marry girls hoping they won't change,
And that's just always stuck in my head. It's always
stuck in my head. So when I would take that
step back and say, hold on, I'm not even I
(03:48):
don't even know who I am at this point, it
just really put me, put me in a tailspin. Okay,
but Josh is back with his notes, So we are going,
We're gonna, We're gonna ask Josh he thought of that
last episode and from a man's perspective of how do
you date an independent woman?
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Does that and make you want to run away?
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Difficult?
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Well, go ahead, go ahead and get started. What did
you think of that episode?
Speaker 4 (04:13):
No, I think, like you said, it's the nothing that
you said in there, I don't believe as I'm scanning over.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Notes and I listened to with the other night while
you were alive.
Speaker 4 (04:22):
So nothing that you said in there was something that
I've you we haven't already discussed. You went, you know,
you went deeper, which I think is great for for people.
But I think, you know, some of the things I
took away from it were, you know, just obviously being
selfless as a as a parent, and I think you
(04:43):
can there's a fine line personally that I think between
being selfless as a parent and then you know, we
all have those parents that are trying to live through
their kid or children, whether that be sports, or whether
that be you know, band or what whatever, you know, academics,
whatever that may be, where they just pour they and
(05:05):
they they do it themselves. There's a difference I think
of being selfless in doing it from that loving, caring
way and then a way of just pouring into them
because you didn't get to live out your you didn't
get to live out your hopes and dreams, and you
push a child so much and you pour yourself into
them so much that you use the word toxic that
(05:27):
it turns the children off from whatever you're trying to
push them to.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
You may think it selfless by.
Speaker 4 (05:33):
Giving them, you know, pushing them into every opportunity even
if they don't want to because it's your dream and
maybe not there. So I think there's a selfless part
of that of pulling.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Back and giving.
Speaker 4 (05:46):
You know, you want to have your kids active, you
want to have them involved in things, and it's hard.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Hard's we're going through that right now with Cohen Ye
he is playing soccer, and I played at a collegiate level.
I played a year in the Pro division. My ex coach,
we both coached. He played, he played semi pro. So
we had a very successful career. And actually soccer is
what we both did all the way up until COVID,
and then I changed what I have been doing.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
But I say this because when he's playing, I.
Speaker 3 (06:20):
Don't push him to a point of you better be
good and you better do this, and you better do that.
It's the opposite. I'm like, I want you out there
having fun. I want you to have a good time.
When he's like, well, I don't want to do this anymore,
I'm like, well, that's just too bad. If you sign
up for something, you stick with it. You're not allowed
to quit. Because I don't want him to. I don't
want to teach him to be a quitter. So it's
whatever you've committed to, you stick out that season. You
(06:42):
don't have to do it the next season if you don't.
If you don't want to, that's fine, we can discuss it.
But there's also that fine line as a parent that
I've told him I don't care what sport you do.
You're an only child, so you need to We need
to find you something that you like. You need to
find a sport you enjoy that gives you competition, that
pushes you mentally and physically, because I don't want to
(07:05):
put you out into the real world and you're like, adversity,
what is this? Oh my goodness. You need to be
able to handle that. You need to be able to
figure those things out. So I think there is that,
you know, there's that fine line. But it's hard because
when I go to games and I hear these parents
literally just in their kids, and then those kids say
stuff to my kid, like, well, he's the second worst player,
(07:26):
he's this, and he's that, and don't don't get it twisted.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
I'm ready to mama bear them and be like really,
because you're not. It just it is what it is.
Speaker 3 (07:35):
But you see that, you see parents just pushing, pushing, pushing,
So you got to find that fine I think you
have to find that fine ouse. Not that I have
all the answers. I'm just telling you guys how my
parenting style is. So. Yes, you you Josh showed me
his nose. Yes you you're selfless, right or you pour
(07:55):
yourself into your kids. But I think that Josh, I've
had this conversation a lot to you about moms and
dads because Josh's X might say something and Josh is like,
I don't know, and I'm like, but from a mom's perspective,
I see it. I'm with her, and he's like, oh okay,
and he does it with me all the time. Well,
like I don't get it, and you're like, hold on,
(08:17):
look at this side from a man's side from and
I'm like, oh okay. So I love that we're able
to do that with each other because it's just we're
so open that we're able to stand. Honestly, our exits
should be thanking us because we'd stand up for we
stand up like, well, I can see that point, or
you know, from this perspective, but that's.
Speaker 4 (08:38):
A part of that living and learning, whether that's in
relationships or parenting or whatever, because you've given you know,
whether it's me trying to you know, parenting my son
or daughter, or you with coach, whatever that may be.
It's literally seen it from another perspective that you don't see.
Men and women see things differently anyway, And then you
add in all of the stuff, you add in what
(08:59):
we're talking about today. Independence, y'all, she's not easy to
give advice to.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
I'm just gonna be honest with you.
Speaker 4 (09:05):
She thinks most of the time and most of the
time what she's saying. But it's that's the lens that
needs to be seen. But you said it earlier, is
talk to your partner, whether it's independence, whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Wait, are you saying I don't ever take your advice?
Speaker 4 (09:19):
Yes, I am saying that you lie. No, I'm not
saying no, I'm not saying that. I think that you're
I think we as people, not just you, but you
listening everyone. I think we're so we're so tunneled sometimes
on our parenting style or our discipline style, or our
coaching style, or the way we work or whatever, that
(09:40):
we get so tunneled that when I'll use you for
an example, because we're talking independence, when independence comes in,
it's like, Hey, this is what this is what I feel,
this is what's going on, this is what's going on
my cold on second, you're saying from a different perspective, Hey,
from a man's perspective this, And it's hard for us
as people to as we're tunneled in that to see
(10:02):
that other to see from that other lens, to see
from that.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
And I do think you have to be receptive of
it and open because I mean even yesterday we had
a conversation about something and you're like, but blah blah blah,
and I'm like, okay.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
So even me just.
Speaker 3 (10:14):
Saying okay, like that means my brain is putting it
in it's process.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Well, you didn't always do that, and neither did I.
Speaker 4 (10:20):
Like I think that, you know, as we've grown and
dated and communicated and all that.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Knowing that, I think we're both open though to it.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
In the yes, yeah, I don't necessarily say I don't
think that like you said something, I'm like, Okay, that's
I'm gonna do.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Like, No, I still I don't.
Speaker 3 (10:35):
To this day, I'm still like okay, and if I
process and I'm like, well dang, that makes way more sense.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (10:41):
But I also take what you say and then I'm like, okay,
well I have this factor, this factor, and this factor
he might not know about. So I take it in
process it and I'm like, okay, all right, now that
I have all the information from both sides, what makes
the most sense moving forward.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
So I think that's key in this too. You have
to be open, you have to be receptive.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
Yes, independent is great, but it doesn't always have to
be my way or nothing at all. So when Josh
will step in and say something to me, like one
time we were talking and he it was it was
probably in the middle of was it. It might have
been in the middle of argument whatever, and you're like,
would you just shut up and listen to me?
Speaker 1 (11:18):
And it literally just yess y'all. I did tell savage
mom to shut up and listen to me.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
It's stunned me. And I looked at him. I'm like, boy,
and I don't even remember we were talking.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
You didn't even say anything. I think you just looked
at me, but you like you were crazy.
Speaker 4 (11:32):
I was crazy, But it was a quick crazy because
what we were talking about and where we were, you
were doing what you just did in a you were
you were thinking about all of the different things, and
you were trying to, you know, maneuver it around, not
to make it better or worse or whatever. You were
trying to think it out loud, and we had already
solved it, and you were trying to do whatever it was.
(11:54):
We all do that talk around it and we're talking
the same thing. I'm like, would you just shut up
for a second and then look on your face and
then the.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Okay, you're right, you're right.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
But again, I think you have to be receptive to
that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
True, because you know where it's coming from.
Speaker 3 (12:10):
Would he ever tell me to shut up just in
general conversation and me let him stick around here?
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Hell noe act.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
Because you've talked in circles And I'm like, oh my god,
well you stop. But I do think it has to
be you are open to hear that. I mean, even
on the parenting stumm and we talked early on and
one of the pivotal points I think.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
For you and your son Cohen and I.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
My son and I were having a conversation and Josh
was just like, I really like the relationship that you
guys have. And I said, and let me say this
as well. I did a video with my son and
my mom the other day and it's called.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
You Catch It. I Buy It.
Speaker 3 (12:55):
So I throw something at them randomly in the store
when they're not paying attention. Sometimes it was like they're
paying attention, but they're not. They might have been talking
about something else and I grab it from behind my
back and I throw it at them and if they
catch it, then I.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Have to buy it.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
So someone made a comment on that video and said,
I would love to know your parenting style and just
what you do with your son because the relationship and
the love that he has for you can just see
it all over his face. So when I'm talking about
these things and when someone asks me, hey, what do
you think a difference is or what are you doing?
This is why I'm making these types of comments. So
(13:28):
Josh and I were talking early on. He's like, I
just love the relationship you have, and I said, well,
I always give him a voice. And one time Josh
and his son were talking and it was almost like
Josh was just like, you know, point one point two,
point three point four and then it was like done,
And I said, hey, out of love, I feel like
(13:50):
when you get to point two maybe three, like you've
already lost him. And we've talked about that, and I said,
maybe give him a voice, like allow him. He's in
eighth he's a teenager, you know, give him a voice.
And I feel like that was a pivotal point, you know,
for you guys too.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
I open I saw him open up.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
Sure, way more in conversations and deeper conversations. So I
know that sometimes we get raised where it's like you
just especially our generation, you're quiet, you do what I say,
We're going where I'm going, where I want to go,
We're doing this, We're doing that, and like never having
a voice. And I think that's a difference in my
(14:29):
parenting style with my son. Now there are times where
he might have too much of a voice and Josh
has been like, hey, uh no, I think you blah
blah blah. And it's at a point that I'm comfortable
with Josh saying.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Things to Cohen.
Speaker 3 (14:47):
You know, I'm allowing him to kind of slowly come
in and parent. So when Josh says something to.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
Him, yeah, he's expectful. He's like, okay, yeah, he he
knows how to. He's trying to. He tries to get
a little more past me. Then you know, he did
try to.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
He did try to like test with me in whatever.
Speaker 4 (15:04):
But yeah, so anyway, oh, in a good way, Like, hey,
your mom said you need to get a shower. He's like,
I got like two more minutes. I'm like, your mom
said getting a shower. He's like, just two more minutes,
I'm like, all right, just don't freaking tell her. It's
like five minutes later, I'm like, yo, but you gotta
go because she's gonna be upset, like with me, not
with with you too, but with me.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
But no, I mean it's and it's cute how that
all goes. But the whole point in this is, yes,
I'm super independent. Yes, I know I've been handling my
stuff on my own, but him coming in I.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Have to be receptible of that.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
I'm not saying that, oh I want him parents and
my kid twenty four seven, because I still feel like
that's my responsibility, right, But when he does step in,
I am receptive.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
And it's definitely been talked about too.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
You know, we've talked about and I can say Josh
has watched and he knows how I parent Cohen, So
he's not.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Gonna come in and die.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Boy, I'm gonna blah blah blah if you don't blah
blah blah like he knows. That's just not that's not
how it is, all right, So back to the end
of tendance piece.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Oh, I thought we were gonna get we wouldn't have
to do that today.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
No, we're talking, We're doing that. We're doing that.
Speaker 4 (16:07):
I'll just say from you know, I've got two pages
of notes just to you know, and eventually I will
respond with my my thoughts.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
But some of the things that you know for.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
Me, as wait, isn't that what you're doing right now?
Speaker 3 (16:20):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (16:21):
Is it?
Speaker 1 (16:21):
I guess we can do it all right, we're doing
it right now.
Speaker 4 (16:25):
For me as deal dealing with is not the right term.
But dating or learning to or growing to with someone
as independent as you, I think that, you know, that's
a that's a need in my in my life. Like
I love the I love the independenceness of that, but
(16:45):
I also the thing that you said that is the
need and want and independent people like and I've told
you that before, like you don't need me, Fine, you
don't need me, but I want you to want me.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
But does that.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
Stay when I say I don't need you?
Speaker 3 (17:02):
Early on when I said that, has anyone ever said that,
like I don't need you?
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Probably were like, oh.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
My gosh, no, I don't. Well I don't.
Speaker 4 (17:11):
I think it's a different that's a different mindset, I
think if you're but I didn't say it.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
Harsh though A couple of times.
Speaker 4 (17:18):
Okay, maybe I did, But I mean I think a
part of being you know, the person, the man that
I am, the lover that I am, the partner that
I am, all of those things. As a man, we
just want to feel wanted. There's a point where and
(17:39):
there's certain things where the need is there. For you,
Even as independent as you are, there are times when
you quote unquote need me. No, you don't need me
to parent, you know, Cohen, you don't need me for
you know, it could be whatever, financial, phone conversation. There's
all those things that people need at a certain point.
But you overall, as independent as.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
You are, you don't need anything.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
But the want is where I think, and maybe it's
just men in general. It's definitely me, like, I know
you don't need me. I'm fully aware of that, and
that fuels, since we're being completely candid, that fuels and
the anxiety in a bad way.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Well, that's why I wanted to ask you, like, what
when a man?
Speaker 3 (18:28):
Because I've read book a book that there's two bucks right,
captivating for the women and wild at heart for the men.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
And I've read that men want.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
To be heroes and rescuers and want to feel needed
and wanted.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
So how does it?
Speaker 4 (18:42):
I mean, we want to fix things. And I think
that's that's part of at least for me, when you
come with an issue or a problem, or you're having
a bad day or whatever, the first thing for us
to do as men. I'll speak for me, but most
men is.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
All right, what can I do?
Speaker 3 (18:57):
You know?
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Who do I need to beat up? Who do I
need to pay? Who do I need to call it?
Speaker 4 (19:01):
Like, regardless of what it is, that's where we that's
just where our brain goes. So it's a difference of
listening to respond and listening to hear. That's a big
thing for men. Like if you called me and said, hey,
I'm upset with you know, you know Cohen did this
or whatever, I'm like, Okay, what do we need to do?
Speaker 1 (19:17):
Fix it? How can we do that?
Speaker 4 (19:18):
And you may in that moment just need to vent
or just need me to listen. You don't need me
to fix it, and I you know, saying hey Josh,
shut up.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
For a second.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
Yeah that was like yesterday or the day before yesterday.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
Right, I don't need you to fix it. I just
need you to listen.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
And I think that's a that's a big communication piece
that you said earlier and that we've talked about before
on here and just in our own life is sometimes
I just need you to listen. I don't need you
to give me a response. I don't need you to
try to fix it. There's not really a fix or
I've already got to fix. But I think the need
and the want is something that for me anxiety wise,
(19:58):
or my brain is an overthinker, or you know, just
whatever is tough. That's and I've communicated that with you,
and I know a lot of men out like can
I don't know my heart is actually I'm like my
heart is wanted to come out of my chest as
(20:18):
we speak because I think talking about talking about this
and I think it's something to work on. I've gotten
better obviously with the need, the independenceness, because let's let's
just be honest. You've we've talked about it on here before.
You said, hey, I need some space, y'all that, and
(20:39):
I will try not to get hmm. That doesn't That
doesn't do anything positive for me, And I don't think that.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
It does anything positive for men in general. That I
don't know.
Speaker 4 (21:16):
It doesn't that when and it's not your fault.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
So I'm not this is.
Speaker 4 (21:23):
Because I think people will get this and men will
get this when you're I'll put it this way, when
you I feel that I give, not that you don't.
I feel that I give one hundred and fifty percent
every day to our relationship. So when you say, and
(21:47):
you've said it before, hey I just need some space,
just give me some time, whether that's an hour, whether
that's a day, whether that's hey, let's not don't come
up this day, give me another day for you.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
And that's the thing that that's for you.
Speaker 4 (22:03):
On my brain and you and I have talked about it,
and some of us you might be learning right now.
New is to somebody that it almost feels like you're failing,
that you've failed. So when you say, hey, I need
some time, I need some space, Hey this is too
(22:23):
much and listen, I'll say it right here. You guys
know if you guys have watched my videos are live,
you know me in real life. You've heard all this stuff.
I can be a lot. I give one hundred and
fifty percent or I give zero. That's my toxic trait.
There's no in between. So when I love, I love hard.
(22:45):
When I dislike or I hate or whatever one you
want to go. I do that hard and when and
I wrote it down like asking for space equals through
me for a loop, recharge, think and rest.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
That's what you need. You need to recharge, you need
to think, you need to rest.
Speaker 4 (23:07):
But on a man's end, maybe at least on mine,
I don't know what that space means. I don't do
well with that space because ultimately from past whatever or
family or relationships or kids or whatever, the word space
doesn't do well for me. And I think it will
resonate with people in here too that what does that
(23:30):
even mean? An independent person? You don't even know what
that means. Sometimes Hey do I need an hour? Do
I need a day? Do I need two days? And
that's what you need? And I'm all for that, you know,
I'm all for what you need. And it just throws
me for a loop.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Because I don't think you've ever had that.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
I don't think you've ever been in a relationship where
someone's like, I need a second and it not mean
I want.
Speaker 2 (23:54):
To break up.
Speaker 4 (23:55):
Yeah, I think I think that's the you know, that's
the tough part with you know, because.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
I didn't I just needed a second, So as a
single mom, you know, I have a house, I have
a kid, I have a dog, I have responsibilities outside
of that. I want to make sure I'm doing everything
I'm being asked of. From a mom's perspective, from a
daughter's perspective, from a girlfriend's perspective, from a sister perspective,
(24:22):
from a friend perspective, from a work perspective, and I
could go on on all the things from the work,
you know, the podcast, the TikTok, the Facebook, the Instagram,
the YouTube.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Like all of it, right, the radio, everything that I'm doing.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
I told him, I'm like, I just need a second,
because you're the only thing that I can come to
and say pause for me for one second. Whether it's
just I need an hour, I need whatever, I just
need a second to breathe. And it was like the
only second I had to breathe. He was like, hey,
do you still let me?
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Do you still care? Like what's when I'll come? How come?
Speaker 1 (25:01):
How come?
Speaker 2 (25:01):
And I'm like, oh, you know.
Speaker 3 (25:03):
It frustrated me because I'm like, oh my gosh, you're
supposed to my partner. How do you not know what
I need? And I had to take a step back
I'm like, you know what, you don't know everything about
me yet, and that's okay, you're learning. But when I
said I needed that space, I needed that time, just
the defeated look and the conversations, and it was like
it was this cycle right where when I would say, okay,
(25:24):
I just need a second, but why, but why, it
was like you almost gravitated and were trying to pull
me even harder. And all I was trying to do
was almost like, you know, shake it off for a second,
like hang on, just give me one second. I don't
I feel like my cup's so empty. I can't give
you anything, like please.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
Just give me.
Speaker 4 (25:43):
Well, that's that whatever, that's that, that's that fixer, that's
that like, and for me, it's you know more not
an instant fix, because there's nothing really that's an instant
fix when it comes to relationships. So and you just
said the cups like I wrote that down saying in
the cup instead of you know, filling it like eighty twenty.
And you guys have heard, you know, whether it's me
(26:04):
on live or you on live or on the podcast, like,
relationships are not fifty to fifty, they're one hundred, one
hundred and there's a time when you know you you
got twenty percent left and you or you need twenty
percent you know, picked up. That's my job to pick
it up, and vice versa on yours.
Speaker 3 (26:20):
But being independent, we don't want you, you know, as
the independent person, I'm like, I don't need you to
come pick it up. I need me to be able
to reset, recharge and get my piece back and get
balanced and then move forward. So it was a struggle
because it was like I need my space, and it
was like you were in my face even more and
I'm like, you're not understanding.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
I just need a second. But what does that mean?
I don't understand. What does that mean? How long? How
long are you talking about? And I'm like, hold on.
Speaker 3 (26:48):
So we had to have a ton of conversations and
so eventually it got to a point where it was
just like round and round, and I'm like, if we
keep having these conversations every single day like this for
an hour plus, I can't do it. I'll have the
time to do it. I don't have the capacity in
my heart, in my head. We just can't do it.
So we literally just said, okay, we've got to stop.
(27:08):
Because I explained to him. If you give me my space,
I will come to you when I'm ready.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
I will come.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
Back and do the little things that you might need
and want without asking me. But you have to kind
of allow me to come do it at some pace.
Speaker 1 (27:25):
Which which sucks.
Speaker 4 (27:28):
Why well, it just it just does suck because what
you're what you're talking about is and this will be
this is for the independent people, but it's also for
everybody else too.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
That sucks.
Speaker 4 (27:41):
When that's the way the way you just explained, it's like, okay,
well it's and I know it's not, so don't take
this the wrong way. You guys are listening, don't come
for me either, But it's almost like, hey, it's all
about what because I'm an independent person, or because i'm
the female, or because i'm the male.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
Whoever, this is what I need.
Speaker 4 (27:57):
Don't don't come in my space, don't don't tell me
what you need. Don't come at me with what you need,
because it's all about me and it's all about what
I need. So an independent person that you're saying, it's like, okay,
well this sucks. So I'll just and I just said,
I'm either one hundred and fifty percent or I'm zero.
So it's either I'm going to continue to do this
or this is past me. And you know there's a
(28:19):
little bit of this still now too. I'll just keep
my mouth shut.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
Well, We've had I mean so many conversations.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
Yeah, and it got to that point where I'm like,
if I don't have anything left to give you, and
I mean I was blunt about it. I'm like, your needs,
I can't. You told me you meet your needs right now.
And it's not that I don't want to, it's not
that I'm telling you I can't. Ever, it's right at
this second. And I know one one hundred percent when
(28:47):
I say these words, people are going to be like, amen, Amen.
As a mom, and I'm not just I'm not excluding
dads or anyone else that supplies to you as a mom.
When you feel tired and you give yourself to everybody
and everything else all day for the minute you wake
(29:07):
up until the minute you lay down, and you don't
have a second for yourself. I'm not saying you have
to have a second for yourself every single day, but
you don't have any time for yourself, and you're given, given, given, given, given,
your tank is empty and then you're significant other saying well,
I need this, and I'm like, listen, I got nothing
to give you. So I think me and I said this,
(29:29):
I'm like, this should count for something. Me communicating to
you telling you I have nothing left today. You should
take that. You should understand that. You should know that
I'm not saying I don't love you anymore, that I
don't agree with you, but understand that I'm saying I'm exhausted,
I have nothing left in my tank to give you today,
and I need you to maybe switch and pick up
(29:51):
that slack. So that was hard and you didn't understand
that for the longest time. You're like, but I don't
get it.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
How can you do this?
Speaker 3 (29:57):
And I love you and I wouldn't do that, And
I'm like, I do understand that. But having so many
things going on in so many directions and trying to
be you know what you said, You're trying to be
superwoman in every capacity.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
And you don't have to be that. That's just not
how some of us.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
To work well.
Speaker 4 (30:16):
And I think what you just described, what you just
said having time for your day, that will resonate with
a bunch of men out here, because I think that
men feel the same way, whether you're a dad or
whether you're not. And you said, I'm not excluding dads.
Am I excluding that? But as a as a man,
and again the nurturing side, all of those things.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
As a mom.
Speaker 4 (30:37):
Listen, the hardest job on the planet is being a mom.
I'll say that. As a dad, that's the hardest job
on the planet. So I'm not discounting dads and single
dads and all that stuff, but I think, listen, what
you just described of giving and giving and giving and
giving and geting to the end of the day and
not having time for yourself, I feel the same.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
I feel the same way too. I think men feel
the same way too.
Speaker 4 (31:00):
I think if you're even if you're a mom, is
another level. So well, i'll say that right now, and
a dad's a different level. But even just people in general,
I think they feel like that at the end of
the day.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
I know I have.
Speaker 4 (31:12):
I know I felt like that since we've been dating.
I felt like that, since I've been a dad. I
felt like that since you know, being an entrepreneur, having
a business, like all of those things, you just feel
tapped out.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
And well, you.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
Said it the other day, You're like you are always
on the go, like can you just sit down? Like
can you sit Like you're exhausting me and you're like
I never thought I home would say that. I believe
you're exhausting me, and it's you just wake up and
go until But I.
Speaker 4 (31:37):
Think there's nothing wrong with that per se. But the
this is, this is what I've will say. Yes, you're busy,
Yes you go, go go as a lot of people do.
You're probably busier than anybody I've ever you know, met,
But I think that fuels that independent side. But from
(31:59):
a and it could be male female in this instance,
it's me from a from this side of things, that's
where that want and need comes in, and that's where
it's like, Okay, some days, you know, there's some to give,
some days there's not. And I think maybe that's a
better conversation for another podcast is how do how does
(32:21):
that other person how do they get their their cup
fill by your person?
Speaker 1 (32:26):
How do they process that?
Speaker 4 (32:28):
Because I've had to fill my with what you can't
feel it for, whether that's you know, if I'm in
Virginia or I'm here of hey, like is because we'll
go you know, we've gone hours without talking to each
other because of the business of you have a schedule,
I have a schedule, appointments, whatever. It's like, Okay, that's
a different mindset of saying, hey, let's you know, let's
(32:50):
let's figure out how to make this conversation and all
that stuff work.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
So and on that note, I think we we address
all that on the next podcast.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
Just would be a great write your note.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
I think it's a great stopping point because I think
it's it's definitely a good topic of how do you
date someone that's independent because a lot of people out there,
there's so many independent women because of their past. I
think they want to know how do I find a
man that could or would want to And I think
the men listening told say, oh, okay, this is how
(33:24):
I approach or this is how I am able to
stay in a relationship like that.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
So we're going to address that on the next podcast.
And on that Nope, where else
Ooh seven.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
I like to keep it real simple.
Speaker 3 (00:08):
All right, you guys, it's that time. So the last episode,
I dove into my independence and being in a relationship
and how I've kind of overcome that at times, but
I really want to keep my independence, and a lot
of you wanted Josh's response on that last episode. But
(00:30):
before we dive into that, let me say anything that
I had really said in that episode, or the majority
of what I had said in the episode, obviously were
things I had already had the conversation with Josh about.
So I don't know you're gonna hear in a second
to see if there was anything brand new, which I'm
kind of curious about. So I guess let's just go
ahead and and die.
Speaker 4 (00:51):
I didn't bring my notes notes notes after your podcast?
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Where are your notes?
Speaker 1 (00:58):
They're in my bag?
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Where's your Oh?
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Hold tight, you guys, Hold tight. He's about to go
get his notes. Okay, now that he's going down to
get his notes, like I didn't know. I didn't know that.
Get you a man that wants to take notes on you, guys.
Get you a significant other that's like, okay, I have
such a vested interest that I have to take notes.
But I told you he had to google how to
be with someone independent and me coming out and saying, hey,
(01:26):
here's here's how I am, here's how I feel. I
had so many people say, listen, you summed up how
I feel.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
You summed up why I don't want to be in
a relationship.
Speaker 3 (01:36):
You summed up on why I'm so guarded, and I'm
thankful for that.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
I mean, listen, is it right? Is it wrong? Is
it indifferent? I don't know. I just know that's how
I am.
Speaker 3 (01:46):
I know with the amount of hurts, the failed relationships,
the way I had been treated in the past, the
way I would give and not not really received it,
just there was a lot, and I just learned that
there are things I don't want to give up. There
are things I don't want to give up that make
me me. There are things that I feel I have
(02:08):
to keep in my life to keep who I am.
So if I don't have that, then I feel like,
well who am I? It's almost like you lose your
you lose your identity. And I really really feel that
the mom piece of once you become a mom and
you put all of your time and your energy, not
that that's wrong because I don't think I would do
(02:30):
it any differently. But you put your time and your
energy into your child, and I feel like that's just
a selfless thing. But while you're doing that, you lose
who you are. So so many of you said, oh,
I feel that I feel lost right now. And the
biggest piece that I can I can tell you is
go talk to your partner or your spouse, whoever that
(02:53):
might be right, the person you're in a relationship with.
If you're feeling that way, they might be able to say,
you know what, how you take a day for yourself
or how about you do X, Y and Z that
you used to do. I mean, they're probably not gonna
tell you to go twirk it out in the club
like you used to do, but they might have something
that might resonate with you to.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Gain who you are back.
Speaker 3 (03:15):
I don't think that you know your partner is coming
into this saying well, I want to change you or
you need to change for me.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
I think that's toxic. If you're in that kind of relationship,
that's a bit scary.
Speaker 3 (03:28):
My dad told me years and years and years ago,
God rest his soul, he said, girls married guys hoping
they will change. Guys marry girls hoping they won't change,
And that's just always stuck in my head. It's always
stuck in my head. So when I would take that
step back and say, hold on, I'm not even I
(03:48):
don't even know who I am at this point, it
just really put me, put me in a tailspin. Okay,
but Josh is back with his notes, So we are going,
We're gonna, We're gonna ask Josh he thought of that
last episode and from a man's perspective of how do
you date an independent woman?
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Does that and make you want to run away?
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Difficult?
Speaker 3 (04:09):
Well, go ahead, go ahead and get started. What did
you think of that episode?
Speaker 4 (04:13):
No, I think, like you said, it's the nothing that
you said in there, I don't believe as I'm scanning over.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Notes and I listened to with the other night while
you were alive.
Speaker 4 (04:22):
So nothing that you said in there was something that
I've you we haven't already discussed. You went, you know,
you went deeper, which I think is great for for people.
But I think, you know, some of the things I
took away from it were, you know, just obviously being
selfless as a as a parent, and I think you
(04:43):
can there's a fine line personally that I think between
being selfless as a parent and then you know, we
all have those parents that are trying to live through
their kid or children, whether that be sports, or whether
that be you know, band or what whatever, you know, academics,
whatever that may be, where they just pour they and
(05:05):
they they do it themselves. There's a difference I think
of being selfless in doing it from that loving, caring
way and then a way of just pouring into them
because you didn't get to live out your you didn't
get to live out your hopes and dreams, and you
push a child so much and you pour yourself into
them so much that you use the word toxic that
(05:27):
it turns the children off from whatever you're trying to
push them to.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
You may think it selfless by.
Speaker 4 (05:33):
Giving them, you know, pushing them into every opportunity even
if they don't want to because it's your dream and
maybe not there. So I think there's a selfless part
of that of pulling.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Back and giving.
Speaker 4 (05:46):
You know, you want to have your kids active, you
want to have them involved in things, and it's hard.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Hard's we're going through that right now with Cohen Ye
he is playing soccer, and I played at a collegiate level.
I played a year in the Pro division. My ex coach,
we both coached. He played, he played semi pro. So
we had a very successful career. And actually soccer is
what we both did all the way up until COVID,
and then I changed what I have been doing.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
But I say this because when he's playing, I.
Speaker 3 (06:20):
Don't push him to a point of you better be
good and you better do this, and you better do that.
It's the opposite. I'm like, I want you out there
having fun. I want you to have a good time.
When he's like, well, I don't want to do this anymore,
I'm like, well, that's just too bad. If you sign
up for something, you stick with it. You're not allowed
to quit. Because I don't want him to. I don't
want to teach him to be a quitter. So it's
whatever you've committed to, you stick out that season. You
(06:42):
don't have to do it the next season if you don't.
If you don't want to, that's fine, we can discuss it.
But there's also that fine line as a parent that
I've told him I don't care what sport you do.
You're an only child, so you need to We need
to find you something that you like. You need to
find a sport you enjoy that gives you competition, that
pushes you mentally and physically, because I don't want to
(07:05):
put you out into the real world and you're like, adversity,
what is this? Oh my goodness. You need to be
able to handle that. You need to be able to
figure those things out. So I think there is that,
you know, there's that fine line. But it's hard because
when I go to games and I hear these parents
literally just in their kids, and then those kids say
stuff to my kid, like, well, he's the second worst player,
(07:26):
he's this, and he's that, and don't don't get it twisted.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
I'm ready to mama bear them and be like really,
because you're not. It just it is what it is.
Speaker 3 (07:35):
But you see that, you see parents just pushing, pushing, pushing,
So you got to find that fine I think you
have to find that fine ouse. Not that I have
all the answers. I'm just telling you guys how my
parenting style is. So. Yes, you you Josh showed me
his nose. Yes you you're selfless, right or you pour
(07:55):
yourself into your kids. But I think that Josh, I've
had this conversation a lot to you about moms and
dads because Josh's X might say something and Josh is like,
I don't know, and I'm like, but from a mom's perspective,
I see it. I'm with her, and he's like, oh okay,
and he does it with me all the time. Well,
like I don't get it, and you're like, hold on,
(08:17):
look at this side from a man's side from and
I'm like, oh okay. So I love that we're able
to do that with each other because it's just we're
so open that we're able to stand. Honestly, our exits
should be thanking us because we'd stand up for we
stand up like, well, I can see that point, or
you know, from this perspective, but that's.
Speaker 4 (08:38):
A part of that living and learning, whether that's in
relationships or parenting or whatever, because you've given you know,
whether it's me trying to you know, parenting my son
or daughter, or you with coach, whatever that may be.
It's literally seen it from another perspective that you don't see.
Men and women see things differently anyway, And then you
add in all of the stuff, you add in what
(08:59):
we're talking about today. Independence, y'all, she's not easy to
give advice to.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
I'm just gonna be honest with you.
Speaker 4 (09:05):
She thinks most of the time and most of the
time what she's saying. But it's that's the lens that
needs to be seen. But you said it earlier, is
talk to your partner, whether it's independence, whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Wait, are you saying I don't ever take your advice?
Speaker 4 (09:19):
Yes, I am saying that you lie. No, I'm not
saying no, I'm not saying that. I think that you're
I think we as people, not just you, but you
listening everyone. I think we're so we're so tunneled sometimes
on our parenting style or our discipline style, or our
coaching style, or the way we work or whatever, that
(09:40):
we get so tunneled that when I'll use you for
an example, because we're talking independence, when independence comes in,
it's like, Hey, this is what this is what I feel,
this is what's going on, this is what's going on
my cold on second, you're saying from a different perspective, Hey,
from a man's perspective this, And it's hard for us
as people to as we're tunneled in that to see
(10:02):
that other to see from that other lens, to see
from that.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
And I do think you have to be receptive of
it and open because I mean even yesterday we had
a conversation about something and you're like, but blah blah blah,
and I'm like, okay.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
So even me just.
Speaker 3 (10:14):
Saying okay, like that means my brain is putting it
in it's process.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Well, you didn't always do that, and neither did I.
Speaker 4 (10:20):
Like I think that, you know, as we've grown and
dated and communicated and all that.
Speaker 1 (10:25):
Knowing that, I think we're both open though to it.
Speaker 3 (10:27):
In the yes, yeah, I don't necessarily say I don't
think that like you said something, I'm like, Okay, that's
I'm gonna do.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Like, No, I still I don't.
Speaker 3 (10:35):
To this day, I'm still like okay, and if I
process and I'm like, well dang, that makes way more sense.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Okay.
Speaker 3 (10:41):
But I also take what you say and then I'm like, okay,
well I have this factor, this factor, and this factor
he might not know about. So I take it in
process it and I'm like, okay, all right, now that
I have all the information from both sides, what makes
the most sense moving forward.
Speaker 2 (10:54):
So I think that's key in this too. You have
to be open, you have to be receptive.
Speaker 3 (10:59):
Yes, independent is great, but it doesn't always have to
be my way or nothing at all. So when Josh
will step in and say something to me, like one
time we were talking and he it was it was
probably in the middle of was it. It might have
been in the middle of argument whatever, and you're like,
would you just shut up and listen to me?
Speaker 1 (11:18):
And it literally just yess y'all. I did tell savage
mom to shut up and listen to me.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
It's stunned me. And I looked at him. I'm like, boy,
and I don't even remember we were talking.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
You didn't even say anything. I think you just looked
at me, but you like you were crazy.
Speaker 4 (11:32):
I was crazy, But it was a quick crazy because
what we were talking about and where we were, you
were doing what you just did in a you were
you were thinking about all of the different things, and
you were trying to, you know, maneuver it around, not
to make it better or worse or whatever. You were
trying to think it out loud, and we had already
solved it, and you were trying to do whatever it was.
(11:54):
We all do that talk around it and we're talking
the same thing. I'm like, would you just shut up
for a second and then look on your face and
then the.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Okay, you're right, you're right.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
But again, I think you have to be receptive to
that kind of stuff.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
True, because you know where it's coming from.
Speaker 3 (12:10):
Would he ever tell me to shut up just in
general conversation and me let him stick around here?
Speaker 1 (12:14):
Hell noe act.
Speaker 3 (12:20):
Because you've talked in circles And I'm like, oh my god,
well you stop. But I do think it has to
be you are open to hear that. I mean, even
on the parenting stumm and we talked early on and
one of the pivotal points I think.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
For you and your son Cohen and I.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
My son and I were having a conversation and Josh
was just like, I really like the relationship that you
guys have. And I said, and let me say this
as well. I did a video with my son and
my mom the other day and it's called.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
You Catch It. I Buy It.
Speaker 3 (12:55):
So I throw something at them randomly in the store
when they're not paying attention. Sometimes it was like they're
paying attention, but they're not. They might have been talking
about something else and I grab it from behind my
back and I throw it at them and if they
catch it, then I.
Speaker 2 (13:05):
Have to buy it.
Speaker 3 (13:05):
So someone made a comment on that video and said,
I would love to know your parenting style and just
what you do with your son because the relationship and
the love that he has for you can just see
it all over his face. So when I'm talking about
these things and when someone asks me, hey, what do
you think a difference is or what are you doing?
This is why I'm making these types of comments. So
(13:28):
Josh and I were talking early on. He's like, I
just love the relationship you have, and I said, well,
I always give him a voice. And one time Josh
and his son were talking and it was almost like
Josh was just like, you know, point one point two,
point three point four and then it was like done,
And I said, hey, out of love, I feel like
(13:50):
when you get to point two maybe three, like you've
already lost him. And we've talked about that, and I said,
maybe give him a voice, like allow him. He's in
eighth he's a teenager, you know, give him a voice.
And I feel like that was a pivotal point, you know,
for you guys too.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
I open I saw him open up.
Speaker 3 (14:09):
Sure, way more in conversations and deeper conversations. So I
know that sometimes we get raised where it's like you
just especially our generation, you're quiet, you do what I say,
We're going where I'm going, where I want to go,
We're doing this, We're doing that, and like never having
a voice. And I think that's a difference in my
(14:29):
parenting style with my son. Now there are times where
he might have too much of a voice and Josh
has been like, hey, uh no, I think you blah
blah blah. And it's at a point that I'm comfortable
with Josh saying.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Things to Cohen.
Speaker 3 (14:47):
You know, I'm allowing him to kind of slowly come
in and parent. So when Josh says something to.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
Him, yeah, he's expectful. He's like, okay, yeah, he he
knows how to. He's trying to. He tries to get
a little more past me. Then you know, he did
try to.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
He did try to like test with me in whatever.
Speaker 4 (15:04):
But yeah, so anyway, oh, in a good way, Like, hey,
your mom said you need to get a shower. He's like,
I got like two more minutes. I'm like, your mom
said getting a shower. He's like, just two more minutes,
I'm like, all right, just don't freaking tell her. It's
like five minutes later, I'm like, yo, but you gotta
go because she's gonna be upset, like with me, not
with with you too, but with me.
Speaker 3 (15:18):
But no, I mean it's and it's cute how that
all goes. But the whole point in this is, yes,
I'm super independent. Yes, I know I've been handling my
stuff on my own, but him coming in I.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Have to be receptible of that.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
I'm not saying that, oh I want him parents and
my kid twenty four seven, because I still feel like
that's my responsibility, right, But when he does step in,
I am receptive.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
And it's definitely been talked about too.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
You know, we've talked about and I can say Josh
has watched and he knows how I parent Cohen, So
he's not.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Gonna come in and die.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Boy, I'm gonna blah blah blah if you don't blah
blah blah like he knows. That's just not that's not
how it is, all right, So back to the end
of tendance piece.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
Oh, I thought we were gonna get we wouldn't have
to do that today.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
No, we're talking, We're doing that. We're doing that.
Speaker 4 (16:07):
I'll just say from you know, I've got two pages
of notes just to you know, and eventually I will
respond with my my thoughts.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
But some of the things that you know for.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
Me, as wait, isn't that what you're doing right now?
Speaker 3 (16:20):
Oh?
Speaker 4 (16:21):
Is it?
Speaker 1 (16:21):
I guess we can do it all right, we're doing
it right now.
Speaker 4 (16:25):
For me as deal dealing with is not the right term.
But dating or learning to or growing to with someone
as independent as you, I think that, you know, that's
a that's a need in my in my life. Like
I love the I love the independenceness of that, but
(16:45):
I also the thing that you said that is the
need and want and independent people like and I've told
you that before, like you don't need me, Fine, you
don't need me, but I want you to want me.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
But does that.
Speaker 2 (16:59):
Stay when I say I don't need you?
Speaker 3 (17:02):
Early on when I said that, has anyone ever said that,
like I don't need you?
Speaker 2 (17:06):
Probably were like, oh.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
My gosh, no, I don't. Well I don't.
Speaker 4 (17:11):
I think it's a different that's a different mindset, I
think if you're but I didn't say it.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
Harsh though A couple of times.
Speaker 4 (17:18):
Okay, maybe I did, But I mean I think a
part of being you know, the person, the man that
I am, the lover that I am, the partner that
I am, all of those things. As a man, we
just want to feel wanted. There's a point where and
(17:39):
there's certain things where the need is there. For you,
Even as independent as you are, there are times when
you quote unquote need me. No, you don't need me
to parent, you know, Cohen, you don't need me for
you know, it could be whatever, financial, phone conversation. There's
all those things that people need at a certain point.
But you overall, as independent as.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
You are, you don't need anything.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
But the want is where I think, and maybe it's
just men in general. It's definitely me, like, I know
you don't need me. I'm fully aware of that, and
that fuels, since we're being completely candid, that fuels and
the anxiety in a bad way.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Well, that's why I wanted to ask you, like, what
when a man?
Speaker 3 (18:28):
Because I've read book a book that there's two bucks right,
captivating for the women and wild at heart for the men.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
And I've read that men want.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
To be heroes and rescuers and want to feel needed
and wanted.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
So how does it?
Speaker 4 (18:42):
I mean, we want to fix things. And I think
that's that's part of at least for me, when you
come with an issue or a problem, or you're having
a bad day or whatever, the first thing for us
to do as men. I'll speak for me, but most
men is.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
All right, what can I do?
Speaker 3 (18:57):
You know?
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Who do I need to beat up? Who do I
need to pay? Who do I need to call it?
Speaker 4 (19:01):
Like, regardless of what it is, that's where we that's
just where our brain goes. So it's a difference of
listening to respond and listening to hear. That's a big
thing for men. Like if you called me and said, hey,
I'm upset with you know, you know Cohen did this
or whatever, I'm like, Okay, what do we need to do?
Speaker 1 (19:17):
Fix it? How can we do that?
Speaker 4 (19:18):
And you may in that moment just need to vent
or just need me to listen. You don't need me
to fix it, and I you know, saying hey Josh,
shut up.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
For a second.
Speaker 2 (19:28):
Yeah that was like yesterday or the day before yesterday.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
Right, I don't need you to fix it. I just
need you to listen.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
And I think that's a that's a big communication piece
that you said earlier and that we've talked about before
on here and just in our own life is sometimes
I just need you to listen. I don't need you
to give me a response. I don't need you to
try to fix it. There's not really a fix or
I've already got to fix. But I think the need
and the want is something that for me anxiety wise,
(19:58):
or my brain is an overthinker, or you know, just
whatever is tough. That's and I've communicated that with you,
and I know a lot of men out like can
I don't know my heart is actually I'm like my
heart is wanted to come out of my chest as
(20:18):
we speak because I think talking about talking about this
and I think it's something to work on. I've gotten
better obviously with the need, the independenceness, because let's let's
just be honest. You've we've talked about it on here before.
You said, hey, I need some space, y'all that, and
(20:39):
I will try not to get hmm. That doesn't That
doesn't do anything positive for me, And I don't think that.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
It does anything positive for men in general. That I
don't know.
Speaker 4 (21:16):
It doesn't that when and it's not your fault.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
So I'm not this is.
Speaker 4 (21:23):
Because I think people will get this and men will
get this when you're I'll put it this way, when
you I feel that I give, not that you don't.
I feel that I give one hundred and fifty percent
every day to our relationship. So when you say, and
(21:47):
you've said it before, hey I just need some space,
just give me some time, whether that's an hour, whether
that's a day, whether that's hey, let's not don't come
up this day, give me another day for you.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
And that's the thing that that's for you.
Speaker 4 (22:03):
On my brain and you and I have talked about it,
and some of us you might be learning right now.
New is to somebody that it almost feels like you're failing,
that you've failed. So when you say, hey, I need
some time, I need some space, Hey this is too
(22:23):
much and listen, I'll say it right here. You guys
know if you guys have watched my videos are live,
you know me in real life. You've heard all this stuff.
I can be a lot. I give one hundred and
fifty percent or I give zero. That's my toxic trait.
There's no in between. So when I love, I love hard.
(22:45):
When I dislike or I hate or whatever one you
want to go. I do that hard and when and
I wrote it down like asking for space equals through
me for a loop, recharge, think and rest.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
That's what you need. You need to recharge, you need
to think, you need to rest.
Speaker 4 (23:07):
But on a man's end, maybe at least on mine,
I don't know what that space means. I don't do
well with that space because ultimately from past whatever or
family or relationships or kids or whatever, the word space
doesn't do well for me. And I think it will
resonate with people in here too that what does that
(23:30):
even mean? An independent person? You don't even know what
that means. Sometimes Hey do I need an hour? Do
I need a day? Do I need two days? And
that's what you need? And I'm all for that, you know,
I'm all for what you need. And it just throws
me for a loop.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Because I don't think you've ever had that.
Speaker 3 (23:50):
I don't think you've ever been in a relationship where
someone's like, I need a second and it not mean
I want.
Speaker 2 (23:54):
To break up.
Speaker 4 (23:55):
Yeah, I think I think that's the you know, that's
the tough part with you know, because.
Speaker 3 (24:01):
I didn't I just needed a second, So as a
single mom, you know, I have a house, I have
a kid, I have a dog, I have responsibilities outside
of that. I want to make sure I'm doing everything
I'm being asked of. From a mom's perspective, from a
daughter's perspective, from a girlfriend's perspective, from a sister perspective,
(24:22):
from a friend perspective, from a work perspective, and I
could go on on all the things from the work,
you know, the podcast, the TikTok, the Facebook, the Instagram,
the YouTube.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Like all of it, right, the radio, everything that I'm doing.
Speaker 3 (24:39):
I told him, I'm like, I just need a second,
because you're the only thing that I can come to
and say pause for me for one second. Whether it's
just I need an hour, I need whatever, I just
need a second to breathe. And it was like the
only second I had to breathe. He was like, hey,
do you still let me?
Speaker 2 (24:59):
Do you still care? Like what's when I'll come? How come?
Speaker 1 (25:01):
How come?
Speaker 2 (25:01):
And I'm like, oh, you know.
Speaker 3 (25:03):
It frustrated me because I'm like, oh my gosh, you're
supposed to my partner. How do you not know what
I need? And I had to take a step back
I'm like, you know what, you don't know everything about
me yet, and that's okay, you're learning. But when I
said I needed that space, I needed that time, just
the defeated look and the conversations, and it was like
it was this cycle right where when I would say, okay,
(25:24):
I just need a second, but why, but why, it
was like you almost gravitated and were trying to pull
me even harder. And all I was trying to do
was almost like, you know, shake it off for a second,
like hang on, just give me one second. I don't
I feel like my cup's so empty. I can't give
you anything, like please.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
Just give me.
Speaker 4 (25:43):
Well, that's that whatever, that's that, that's that fixer, that's
that like, and for me, it's you know more not
an instant fix, because there's nothing really that's an instant
fix when it comes to relationships. So and you just
said the cups like I wrote that down saying in
the cup instead of you know, filling it like eighty twenty.
And you guys have heard, you know, whether it's me
(26:04):
on live or you on live or on the podcast, like,
relationships are not fifty to fifty, they're one hundred, one
hundred and there's a time when you know you you
got twenty percent left and you or you need twenty
percent you know, picked up. That's my job to pick
it up, and vice versa on yours.
Speaker 3 (26:20):
But being independent, we don't want you, you know, as
the independent person, I'm like, I don't need you to
come pick it up. I need me to be able
to reset, recharge and get my piece back and get
balanced and then move forward. So it was a struggle
because it was like I need my space, and it
was like you were in my face even more and
I'm like, you're not understanding.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
I just need a second. But what does that mean?
I don't understand. What does that mean? How long? How
long are you talking about? And I'm like, hold on.
Speaker 3 (26:48):
So we had to have a ton of conversations and
so eventually it got to a point where it was
just like round and round, and I'm like, if we
keep having these conversations every single day like this for
an hour plus, I can't do it. I'll have the
time to do it. I don't have the capacity in
my heart, in my head. We just can't do it.
So we literally just said, okay, we've got to stop.
(27:08):
Because I explained to him. If you give me my space,
I will come to you when I'm ready.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
I will come.
Speaker 3 (27:16):
Back and do the little things that you might need
and want without asking me. But you have to kind
of allow me to come do it at some pace.
Speaker 1 (27:25):
Which which sucks.
Speaker 4 (27:28):
Why well, it just it just does suck because what
you're what you're talking about is and this will be
this is for the independent people, but it's also for
everybody else too.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
That sucks.
Speaker 4 (27:41):
When that's the way the way you just explained, it's like, okay,
well it's and I know it's not, so don't take
this the wrong way. You guys are listening, don't come
for me either, But it's almost like, hey, it's all
about what because I'm an independent person, or because i'm
the female, or because i'm the male.
Speaker 1 (27:55):
Whoever, this is what I need.
Speaker 4 (27:57):
Don't don't come in my space, don't don't tell me
what you need. Don't come at me with what you need,
because it's all about me and it's all about what
I need. So an independent person that you're saying, it's like, okay,
well this sucks. So I'll just and I just said,
I'm either one hundred and fifty percent or I'm zero.
So it's either I'm going to continue to do this
or this is past me. And you know there's a
(28:19):
little bit of this still now too. I'll just keep
my mouth shut.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
Well, We've had I mean so many conversations.
Speaker 3 (28:25):
Yeah, and it got to that point where I'm like,
if I don't have anything left to give you, and
I mean I was blunt about it. I'm like, your needs,
I can't. You told me you meet your needs right now.
And it's not that I don't want to, it's not
that I'm telling you I can't. Ever, it's right at
this second. And I know one one hundred percent when
(28:47):
I say these words, people are going to be like, amen, Amen.
As a mom, and I'm not just I'm not excluding
dads or anyone else that supplies to you as a mom.
When you feel tired and you give yourself to everybody
and everything else all day for the minute you wake
(29:07):
up until the minute you lay down, and you don't
have a second for yourself. I'm not saying you have
to have a second for yourself every single day, but
you don't have any time for yourself, and you're given, given, given, given, given,
your tank is empty and then you're significant other saying well,
I need this, and I'm like, listen, I got nothing
to give you. So I think me and I said this,
(29:29):
I'm like, this should count for something. Me communicating to
you telling you I have nothing left today. You should
take that. You should understand that. You should know that
I'm not saying I don't love you anymore, that I
don't agree with you, but understand that I'm saying I'm exhausted,
I have nothing left in my tank to give you today,
and I need you to maybe switch and pick up
(29:51):
that slack. So that was hard and you didn't understand
that for the longest time. You're like, but I don't
get it.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
How can you do this?
Speaker 3 (29:57):
And I love you and I wouldn't do that, And
I'm like, I do understand that. But having so many
things going on in so many directions and trying to
be you know what you said, You're trying to be
superwoman in every capacity.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
And you don't have to be that. That's just not
how some of us.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
To work well.
Speaker 4 (30:16):
And I think what you just described, what you just
said having time for your day, that will resonate with
a bunch of men out here, because I think that
men feel the same way, whether you're a dad or
whether you're not. And you said, I'm not excluding dads.
Am I excluding that? But as a as a man,
and again the nurturing side, all of those things.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
As a mom.
Speaker 4 (30:37):
Listen, the hardest job on the planet is being a mom.
I'll say that. As a dad, that's the hardest job
on the planet. So I'm not discounting dads and single
dads and all that stuff, but I think, listen, what
you just described of giving and giving and giving and
giving and geting to the end of the day and
not having time for yourself, I feel the same.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
I feel the same way too. I think men feel
the same way too.
Speaker 4 (31:00):
I think if you're even if you're a mom, is
another level. So well, i'll say that right now, and
a dad's a different level. But even just people in general,
I think they feel like that at the end of
the day.
Speaker 1 (31:11):
I know I have.
Speaker 4 (31:12):
I know I felt like that since we've been dating.
I felt like that, since I've been a dad. I
felt like that since you know, being an entrepreneur, having
a business, like all of those things, you just feel
tapped out.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
And well, you.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
Said it the other day, You're like you are always
on the go, like can you just sit down? Like
can you sit Like you're exhausting me and you're like
I never thought I home would say that. I believe
you're exhausting me, and it's you just wake up and
go until But I.
Speaker 4 (31:37):
Think there's nothing wrong with that per se. But the
this is, this is what I've will say. Yes, you're busy,
Yes you go, go go as a lot of people do.
You're probably busier than anybody I've ever you know, met,
But I think that fuels that independent side. But from
(31:59):
a and it could be male female in this instance,
it's me from a from this side of things, that's
where that want and need comes in, and that's where
it's like, Okay, some days, you know, there's some to give,
some days there's not. And I think maybe that's a
better conversation for another podcast is how do how does
(32:21):
that other person how do they get their their cup
fill by your person?
Speaker 1 (32:26):
How do they process that?
Speaker 4 (32:28):
Because I've had to fill my with what you can't
feel it for, whether that's you know, if I'm in
Virginia or I'm here of hey, like is because we'll
go you know, we've gone hours without talking to each
other because of the business of you have a schedule,
I have a schedule, appointments, whatever. It's like, Okay, that's
a different mindset of saying, hey, let's you know, let's
(32:50):
let's figure out how to make this conversation and all
that stuff work.
Speaker 3 (32:54):
So and on that note, I think we we address
all that on the next podcast.
Speaker 2 (33:01):
Just would be a great write your note.
Speaker 3 (33:03):
I think it's a great stopping point because I think
it's it's definitely a good topic of how do you
date someone that's independent because a lot of people out there,
there's so many independent women because of their past. I
think they want to know how do I find a
man that could or would want to And I think
the men listening told say, oh, okay, this is how
(33:24):
I approach or this is how I am able to
stay in a relationship like that.
Speaker 2 (33:29):
So we're going to address that on the next podcast.
And on that Nope, where else
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