April 26, 2023 • 32 mins
This week on the pod... two-time Moth GrandSlam storytelling champion Matteson Perry! Matteson loves love. He also loves riding around half naked on a bike for 10 days in the desert. He told Will a spectacular Burning Man tale that made everyone here at #Storytime want to head to the Playa this August.
Matteson's writing has appeared in The New York Times, McSweeney's, College Humor, and other publications. His work has been featured on NPR and Funny or Die. His book Available: A Memoir of Heartbreak, Hookups, Love and Brunch is available now!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You meet someone in front of some sculpture of a dragon,
and you're like, hey, woman in a doctor Sue's hat,
want to like have sex now here in the dirt,
like because otherwise I'll never see you again, because there's
seventy thousand people here. And the girl in the doctor
Sue's hat would like say nothing because he was super high,
and then I would continue on in my journey.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Now, I'm sure most of you are familiar with the
concept of Catharsis. You know, the idea that if we
watch someone else's tragedy, that we, as the viewer, experience
and emotional cleansing or purification. And I've always thought it
was weird that that more people aren't familiar with ecstasis,
which is Catharsis's cooler, hotter sister. Now, extacis is the
(01:01):
feeling of total immersion of being. You know, time slows
down and everything clicks. It suddenly feels like everyone's breath
and heartbeats are synchronized for a few moments. I mean
extacist literally means to stand outside one sells, and we
experience this when we see a life changing piece of
art or theater, or if we're at the stadium and
(01:23):
we see a buzzerbeat or a walk off Homer, and
twenty thousand people stand up screaming in elation together. You know,
I firmly believe that it's the reason why techno music
is so popular. And Burning Man is the epicenter of
extasis because if Burning Man was just a camping trip
in the desert where people did drugs and danced around naked,
(01:44):
it wouldn't explain the positive mental health effects that Berner's
experience for months after they return home. There's something much
deeper and profound going on there. I think it's the extasis. Now.
My friend Madison Perry knows all about extasis. Madison is
a two time Grand Slam winner for the Moth and
he decided to grace our humble podcast with his funny,
(02:04):
heartfelt experience in the black rock desert for Burning Man.
I'm Will Sandy Crack McFadden and this is hashtag Storytime
brought to you by iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
For anyone listening that doesn't know, Burning Man is this
sort of counter culture festival that takes place one hundred
miles from Reno on this salt flat where there's just
nothing but desert. For miles and like seventy thousand people
go there at once and turn this flat, empty desert
into like a tense city with all these camps and
(02:36):
things to do and art exhibits, and people dance and
do drugs and do art and make love and meditate
and do yoga, and it's just like this kind of
hippie party festival thing. And so when I went, I
was about thirty. I had recently been dumped by my
longtime girlfriend who I lived with, and I was like,
(02:56):
I'm gonna go to Burning Man. But I wasn't going
to like heel or transcend or like learn capuera. I
was going to have sex like I'd seen pictures, beautiful
women scantily clad. It seems like a very sexual vibe,
and I'm just like, I'm gonna have weird desert sex.
I want to get sand places sand shouldn't go. I
want to like make love to a woman wearing a
(03:18):
wolf mask, both literally and metaphorically, Like this is my goal.
As I drove out to the desert.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
I'm glad that you were honest with yourself with your goal.
I feel like a lot of people, you know, have
different lies that they're telling themselves when they go out there,
that that is there true you know, motive, and they're saying,
but like, no, I want to find myself. It's like, no,
you're going for weird freaky wolf sex.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yeah. Yeah, that's what we all, that's what most of
us want anyway, deep down, freaky wolf sex.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
And so like it takes a long time to drive there,
and you're waiting this long line to get in, and
the whole time I'm thinking about it, and like, I
kind of it just seemed like such a sexual place I imagined,
like when I would get there, they would like check
me in and they'd be like, did you bring your
penis and the like, yeah, it's packed, and they'd be like, perfect,
Just head that way, you'll see a pile of naked,
horny women waiting for the sex the hair. Just go
that way until I see a sex pile. They'd be like, yep,
(04:07):
sex pile. Can't miss it, Like that's this is how
it works here. So I went in with like very
high expectations about the quantity and quality of sex I
would be having. And I got there and it was
not as easy to get laid as I had imagined
it was. It was like very difficult for me. I
like could not make it happen. And part of the
(04:29):
problem is like when you're there, there's no cell phone
or internet or dating apps. Like I was dating a
lot at this point. I would use the apps, like
that's pretty good at dating and getting dates. But it
was like there, it's like now or never. Like you
meet someone in front of some sculpture of a dragon,
and you're like, hey, woman in a doctor Seue's hat,
want to like have sex now here in the dirt,
like because otherwise I'll never see you again, like because
(04:49):
there's seventy thousand people here. And the girl in the
doctor Seue's hat would like say nothing because she was
super high. And then I would continue on in my journey.
And it's and and like there was a girl who
was in the camp because you kind of camp with
a group of people and you have your little place
you sleep and place you eat and activities and and
(05:09):
and I got along with this one girl, but she
was like, I don't look and I'm not trying to
hook up with anyone in the camp, Like I think
it's just you know, don't eat where you shit kind
of thing. And so like even at this hedonistic desert festival.
This girl is following HR protocols. I was like, this
is not what I expected at all. There was a
couple of times I came close to having sex. I
(05:31):
danced with this one girl for like thirty minutes at
this like rave party, thing, very physical, and then she
pulled away and she introduced me to her husband, who
is a great guy, really nice guy. Another woman just
walked straight up to me at a party and licked
my nipple and I was like, well, this, wow, must
be on. This is this is like Nope, led to nothing.
(05:53):
That was just a handshake out there.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
I guess she was a she was a cannibal.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Maybe yeah. I did not taste good enough to fairly
or to have sex with. But she met me, and
so this is kind of like For a couple days,
I just like like nothing. I couldn't make anything happen.
It just seemed like hard to initiate anything with women.
But I had this like backup plan. I'd heard there
was a camp called the Orgy Dome Camp, and they
(06:18):
build a giant dome and then they throw orgies and
that's like what they provide to the Burning Man attendees.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
It was pretty straightforward.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, not a subtle name really.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
And so how did you just find out about this
on the third day?
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Well, you know, there's there's a handbook that they give
you and as a list of all the things you
can do, and you know it's alphabetical. So it was
a couple of days in I got oh, all right,
they h and so I tried to go and I'm like, well,
this is a can't miss plan. But I found out
you cannot go as a single male. You can't just
(06:55):
show up as a single dude. You have to bring
a partner. You have to bring a woman with you, which,
like after the in Russ I'm like, of course that
makes sense. If you were allowed to go as a
single dude, it would just be a long line of
single dudes being like, when's this thing kicking off? Where
the lady's at?
Speaker 2 (07:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (07:10):
So I just like I was sexually frustrated at Bernieman.
There's beautiful, mostly naked women all around me. Nothing, I'm
not making it happen. I'm not making it happen. But
I did have another great experience, which was drugs. I
tried drugs for basically the first time in my life.
I was thirty at the time. I had I'd smoked
pot a couple of times, but didn't even like it
(07:31):
that much. And just like had had a fear of
drugs my entire Like the DARE program worked on me.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Yeah, I was like, I'm in I'm here at George Bush,
I'm fighting the war. I'm saying no, like I believe
in this. But at Bernie mad I was like, wait, no,
I'm at this thirty, I'm single, I've just had my
heart broken, I'm at this place. Let's let's let's do
some drugging. And so the camp that I stayed with,
they had a tradition that on the first day on Monday,
(08:00):
they had a tradition called Acid Monday, and similar to
the orgy dome, pretty clear, pretty clear name. Yeah on Monday,
you do it.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
That's a lot of subtlety. No, yeah, it's a great
way to kick off the week.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Yeah, it is like like all the beautiful traditions, the
simple ones are really the ones that resonate. And so
that evening, the entire campus, which was thirty or forty
people all did acid at the at the same time.
And you know, it's spent like my entire youth and
young adulthood, thinking like, why would people even do drugs?
They're scary, there's all these consequences, And that night I
(08:35):
learned that people do drugs because they're pretty fun. They
are a lot of fun. Turns out, turns out I
like LSD very much. And so just for the whole night,
I wandered around and there's crazy things to look at,
and they're made even crazier by the LSD. And I
noticed that in addition to the physical effects, there's kind
of like this emotional bonding thing that happened with these people.
(08:57):
I was there's like five people that I was wandering
around with, and and so I was not having luck
sexually yet and I wouldn't, but that night I bonded.
I fell head over heels in friendship basically with this
guy named Brian, who was this English guy.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Deeper a deeper, yeah, deeper, Yeah, was formed.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Yeah, it was very fast. It was like a non
sexual soulmate. We were just simpatica and like that night,
we were just always around each other, laughing at things.
It felt scary. If we were apart, we would go
out to the bathroom together. We would like tell jokes together.
We would look at things that we didn't even know
if they were there or not together and then I thought,
(09:37):
I was like, wow, this is like a drug thing.
Probably this but they like it. Like it kept on.
We like stayed attached all week, Like we basically did
everything together. We would like share a beer and pass
them back and forth, started calling each other hubby, you know,
like you need some more coffee, hubby. You know, wish
would go to night hubby. At some point the camp
like voted us cute at couple because we were just
hanging out that much.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
It would be if if he wasn't even real.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
That would be I mean, you can't tell. I mean
he was English, so who knows. Maybe he went back
to the Ether and not to London.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
Yeah, he could have just been a figment of the
acid imagination.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Yeah, it would also be sad if, like my imagination,
it was like, you came here to have sex. The
imagination is not going to make a beautiful woman that
you see.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
But no, yeah, this is what you need now, you
need this really supportive englishman.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Yeah, you just need a charming English chap to make
you feel good about life. And so we just hung
out all week and like I have many male friends
I had before that, but like usually in life, you
like become friends with someone slowly over time, and it
was just like, I feel like you're my best friend.
I've known you three days and so we get to
the end of the week, have not had sex. I
(10:49):
have not even kissed a girl. But oh well, I
met Brian and at the end of Bernie Man, the
name of the festival is because they burned a giant
statue of this wooden man thing and it's like the
biggest then and party of the week, and it takes
quite a while because it's big to burn down. But
then when the last piece falls, like everyone just kind
of goes nuts and runs around, and like I got
really caught up in it, and I was like yelling,
(11:09):
and like I took my shirt off and I started
running in a circle around the ashes and I was
like howling, and it was just like it was really
a moment of like being primal and like animalistic. I
was like I don't know where I am or what's happening,
but this is life and I'm living it. I was
on LSD again at this point. I should mention was
probably part of the I figured, yeah, and so I
(11:30):
like kind of come to from this like drug excitement
fugue state, and my first thought is where's my hobby,
Like I've got to find him. And I had this
feeling like it was the last day of summer camp
and I had to tell the person had to crush
on the whole summer camp that I liked them before
we all went home. And so I like went running
into the crowd. I was looking for him in this
(11:50):
giant mass of people. Just to give you a visual,
I was dressed in skin tight bright blue pants and
no shirt and had face paint all over my makeup.
But like that's me at the end of the row, calm,
running to find my hubby and fully tell him how
I feel. And so I find him in a heart Yeah,
basically I had the I was ready for war, but
I was just a dude on drugs at bernemann uh.
(12:14):
And so I find him and I say, you know, Brian,
I have to tell you before the drugs were off
that I love you. And not even like he didn't
take it as a romantic thing. It wasn't a romantic thing,
just like you're a you're a human dude. That I
love and he he said thank you, and he actually
started to cry a bit. He's like a bit of
a crier, hubby is. And then we had a nice
(12:34):
hug and and and then we went on about our night.
And it's not like a it might not seem like
a big deal, Like a guy on drugs told another
guy he loves him. That happens quite a bit, and
I didn't really realize it until afterwards. But it was
the first time in my life I had told a
non family member male that I love them and like it.
(12:55):
Just like the way I grew up, it like had
a bit of a macho culture and a super into sports,
and that kind kind of thing just didn't seem okay,
Like it just seemed weird that you would be watching
football and be like, hey, Bud, I like great play,
and also you're really special to me. Like I never
did that kind of thing growing up. You know, I
had friends that I loved and family members that I love.
And so even though I went to Bernie Man but
(13:15):
like I just want to get laid, who cares about
this hippy dippy stuff. But in the end, I was
just a grown man hugging another man. Crying, saying that
we loved each other and having an emotional breakthrough.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Did he say it back.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
Yeah, yeah, he said I love you too, hubby.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Okay, yeah, okay, good.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
I was just worried. I was worried he left your
hang out.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Yeah, thank you, thank you. No he did, he did not.
We're still in touch to this day. He lives he
lives in London, so we're doing doing the long distance thing,
but he's worth it. My wife is very understanding of
our relationship because I knew him before I met her,
so she gets it. And then it's a little log.
(14:00):
The last day we're packing up camp. The girl that
had turned me down from my camp on the first day,
she came up to me. She was like, I'm really horny.
I haven't had sex all week. Do you want to
go have sex? And I was like okay, and she's
like it doesn't mean anything, and I was like I
don't care what it means, Like, let's go. And we
had about one minute of very hot, sweaty, dirty sex
on a half deflated mattress and that was it. That
(14:24):
was my sexual odyssey at Burning Man. So at least
I did I did make something happen in the end,
but it was. It paled in comparison to.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
What I had with Brian, but mission accomplished.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Yeah, yeah, figured it out. Goodness, what a journey. Yeah, yeah,
it was. It was a good experience.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
I'm the opposite. I tell like everybody I love them,
Like do I sign off zoom meetings? Yeah, I'm just like,
all right, buddy, I love you. It's like we I'm
your accountant. You shouldn't be telling me.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
I have become more of that way to offer it up. Yeah. Wait,
you see how much money I got you back from
the I R S before you tell me that.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Well, this is another sign that I feel like I
need to make a trek to the Black Rock Desert
and uh and go to Burning Man. I've had so
many friends go and have these sort of these life
altering experiences, and I want a piece of that.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Yeah, it is. Uh. I tried not to convince people
to go, because if you don't really want to go
on your own, like, you shouldn't be convinced of it
because there's many annoying, horrible things about it too, and
like all the bad ideas and the good ideas you have,
they're like all true, all true there. Yeah, but I
have now been I think five times since that first trek,
so I guess I'm super into it.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Yeah, you're a burner. Yeah, do you have a Do
you have a burner?
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Calling myself that? But I suppose I am.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Do you have a do you have a name like
a burner name when you're there?
Speaker 1 (16:02):
I don't have a hardcore one where like most people
just call me Madison. I sometimes people call me the Deputy.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
I was helping a guy who's named the Douche Marshal
do some work, so he deputies me building a shower
in our camp. He was the douche Marshal. He's also
like a bit of a douche, so it was like
a double meaning word, but a very a very severe,
kind of mean German guy. But I love him, so
I'm his his deputy.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
The douche deputy.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
Yeah, that's amazing exactly.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
Oh man, I want a cool burning Man nickname. Yeah, yeah,
I'll take Maybe I'll take story time. You know, I
could take story time and do storytime live at burning Man.
I'm sure the stories would be nonsense. And I went to.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
A story show there and told a story I really
heard some stories, and it was much more like an
AA meeting vibe, like super fun story hour, Like a
lot of people really like opening themselves up in a
way like yeah, maybe not so much, like maybe close
it back down a little bit, like.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
A little TMI.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Yeah. Yeah. So we were all sitting around in a
circle and people take turns telling their stories. It's like,
where's where's the stage, where's my mic the where's the lights?
Where's the time limit?
Speaker 2 (17:24):
That's the other idea that I've I've you know, I
love theater and I love acting, and I've always thought
about creating some sort of a show to take to
Burning Man and to perform there. I don't know if
it would be some immersive theater or Midsummer Night's Dream
or something.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Yeah, there are amazing things like that that are you know,
there's a lot of stuff that's very slap dash and
you're like, oh, this is barely anything, and then there's
things where you're like, oh my gosh, people worked for
months to like build this art and they have parts
and like it's very immersive, and the people that really
like go full in, like it's really cool. You know,
last last time, the most impressive thing was you went
(18:03):
through this door down an alleyway between like these RVs,
and then behind it was a little like town with
like three different restaurants and three different bars that were
all like built like they'd framed them and they had
like they'd been set decorated, and like you went. I
went into one and there was a whiskey bar and
the guy like just brought it was a whiskey collector,
and he brought every whiskey and he'd give you a
taste of like any whiskey he had, like he didn't
(18:25):
it could be really rare, really expensive, and he would
tell you about it, and you're like wow, like these
people did this all for free, for no reason. And
then like I was like this is cool when I
walked in here. Yeah, that stuff is great.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Yeah. I want to hear that guy's stories. I want
to sit and drink whiskey with him, Yeah, and hear
his tails.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Yeah, that would be good.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Are you going to burning is Burning men back? Now?
Is it happening? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (18:48):
It is happening this year for the first I think
they took two years were canceled. It's happening again this year.
A lot of people I know from there are going.
I am not going up two small children now, so
I don't.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Know when I will bring them.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
Dude. You see kids out there, man, there's like camps
that are made for like families, and you drive by
and there's just like half naked kids covered in dust
having the best time of their life. It just looks
like Lord of the Flies. I'm not sure I'm ready
to take a care I feel like I barely survive
out there myself, let alone taking care of a child.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
You turn into a child.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
You don't bring the child exactly, man, you get it.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
You play at the heart of a child. Don't bring
a child, man. Yeah, trying to go to the orgy
dome with the child. That is illegal.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
That's illegal. Man, Come on, yeah, you get you get
the ethos.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
All right, Well, I think I'm ready.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
You are ready, you know, not to bring kids. And
that's how you need to know.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Yeah, that's the main thing. And like, find a find
a bro, find a bro mance out there.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Man, find a bro. Well maybe you'd maybe you'd have
luck with the ladies more than I did.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Who knows. I'm I'm I'm locked down. Oh, I'm shocked up.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
So you know that's a better way to go. You
go out there, there's no expectations about that, and yeah,
you spend time on other things.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
It would be it would be a it would be
a problem if I was having a lot of sexual
success in burning men, that would be life.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Several several couples that have had that issue haven't out there.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
So I did have a friend who was out there
who she got married on the plaia after a pussy
eating contest age old story. Yeah, you know what a
meet cute.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Yeah, they that's how she met the person she married.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
Yep. Wow, I don't think they're still together.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Oh that's a shame. I'm sure it was a maybe
a short but very pleasure filled the marriage.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
Yeah, hopefully an amicable divorce.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Yeah yeah. And I don't know if the marriages out
there have as many legal implications. So you know, it's
all right, didn't work out.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
We got to split our stuff. You get this half
of the the air mattress and then I'll take these feathers.
Are my feather your that's your boa.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Yep, that's what would happen.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Well, cool man, Well that was great. That was that
was a beautiful That was a beautiful tale.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
Oh good thank you.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
I'm glad you. I'm glad you shared it.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
I feel good to have shared it.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
First, Last, Best, Worst is a it's a kind of
a game that we like to play on the pod
where we pick a category and then you share your
your first experience, your last experience, your best experience, and
your worst experience in that category.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
So, so let's do breakups.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
So the first the first breakup.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Uh so, my first breakup, my my first girlfriend was
in second grade, right, and this this girl Amy, on
Valentine's Day brought me a chocolate heart and gave it
to me. Yeah, and for a reason I don't know why,
I just opened it immediately and shoved the entire thing
in my mouth. And this was like three inches by
(22:14):
three inches solid chocolate heart, and I like could not
get it down all into my little mouth, and I
started having trouble breathing, and I ended up spinning out half
of it onto the ground and there's like a brown
saliva string to the ground. Get my face wiped up,
and she says, will you go out with me? Like
she'd stood there through all of this and she wanted to.
(22:34):
You know, that's what we called dating in second grade
is will you go out that's love? Yeah, yeah, I
said no and ran away to play kickball. And like
she was a very nice girl, a cute girl. I
got along with her in class. I was just like
so prepubescent like that. I that just like wasn't a
thing in my mind.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Right at this point in my life, mostly focused on
chocolate and kickball. That was funny.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Yeah. I was like, all right, Coolly, I had your
chocolate and now I'm going to play kickball.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Like got everything.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
But I told my mom what happened, and she was
like really mad at me for like being rude and
for like eating the heart right away and not saying
thank you, and like she was like, if you don't
like someone, don't accept their gifts and her false pretenses,
and so she she said, I had to apologize, and
I apologizing when you're eight is like the worst thing
in the world. So I was like, well, I'll just
tell her I'll be her boyfriend. I'll just go out
(23:22):
with her, and that will like solve all this. So
I told her I would be a boyfriend, by which
I mean I told my friends to tell her friends
to tell her that we were we were dating. That day,
we did not talk at all, because what the what
the heck do you say to your girlfriend? The next day,
my best friend told me he'd hurt a rumor that
Jamie at Michelle's birthday party had put a tube of
(23:45):
chapstick in her vagina. That was the rumor going around.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
And he's an aggressive rumor if I know.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
Yeah, i'd like only recently stopped calling it a budgina.
So this is like all very like unknown territory. And
I didn't even know what to make of it, but
I could tell by the way my friend Brian was
telling me like that this was bad that I couldn't
be so I broke up with her, by which I
mean I told Brian to tell her friends to tell
her that we were broken up. So that was my
first breakup, and I handled it horribly. We dated for
(24:16):
twenty four hours without speaking, and then I didn't tell
it to her face. So I feel bad about that one,
but I was just I was in over my head.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
We didn't even get to the bottom of whether the
rumor was true or not. You know, that could have
been a well.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
When do you hear a rumor like that? I mean,
you got to know it's true I mean something like that,
spreading around the playground. There's just no way that that's
not totally made up by who knows who?
Speaker 2 (24:40):
Oh no, poor Jamie.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
I know, Yeah, it worked. Things worked out for her.
She grew into a beautiful woman, was very popular in
high school. I did not date anyone until college. So
I really I missed the boat. Missed the boat on
that one.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Well, I hope she's doing okay today.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Yeah, me too, Me.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Too, Jamie. If you're out there, love I love you.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
You guys would be a good fit.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
Okay. So that was the first. What about the last breakup?
Speaker 1 (25:12):
The last breakup was the woman I dated before I
met my wife. So this is I've been married for
nine years now, so so a while ago, and I've
been dating here for four months and on New Year's
Eve or maybe two months, sorry, on New Year's Eve.
We've been dating for two months, and she told me
she loved me, and I like, in that moment, was
(25:32):
kind of like, oh, I don't know if this is
like love for me, but like it was New Year's
Eve and we're having a NIC's evening and it was
like the midnight kiss, and so I set it back
and said I love you too, and I kind of
convinced me. I was like, you know what, sometimes it's
a slow burn, and like I do really like her,
I enjoy my time with her, and like maybe this
is the beginning of a very healthy sort of like love.
And then two months later she dumped me, and I
(25:53):
was kind of like, what the Like, you told me
you loved me. I like, I was still lease it
end of the thing, and you told me that, and
now like you're out, You're just gone, like and so
I was. It was not a long relationship and I
was not fully committed, but it was a frustrating one.
And uh and then uh, like two or three months later,
I started dating my wife and I was like, oh,
(26:14):
this is what it feels like when you're in love.
It's not like, oh, maybe I should say it back.
It's like, oh, I'm dying to say it. I can't
wait to say it. I hope she shays it back,
which I knew.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
But she was your good luck chock.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
Yeah she was, she was, I guess.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
And that was with that. That was the only like
two weeks after that, she came over to talk and
we had That's the only time I've ever had breakup
sex in my life, which was oh wow, odd but
like somewhat cool. I guess it was not No, no, it.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Was I ran into her at the outside of the
Orgie Dome was she.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Was like, I know that. Plus now that's a meat cute.
So that's my last breakup. I hope, I hope it's
the last breakup of my life.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
Yeah, me too. Okay, So then what about what about
your so I guess your first, No, we've did for okay,
So that let's do your your best. This is a
weird one, but your best break.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
My best breakup was I think what was the easiest,
the easiest.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
One, most amicable.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
This was like not quite a breakup because we weren't really dating,
but I was dating this like it wasn't serious, but
I was dating schoo. I'd gone out a few times
and she at some point was like, Hey, I think
we're getting too serious and I think we should we
should stop. I'm like looking to kind of just casually date.
I'm seeing other people. And I was like, oh, yeah,
me too, Like, no no pressure. I don't know if
that came across, but I'm not really looking for a
(27:38):
girlfriend at the moment. Anyway. So if you're just using
this as an excuse not to date me, all cool,
enjoy your life. But if you were just worried about
like hurting my feelings, like we can continue dating and
seeing each other. And she was like, oh, okay, yeah,
that sounds great. And so we just like saw each
other a couple times a month for like three months,
and then I started dating someone. I was like, hey,
I am I'm going to get into an exclusive relationship now,
(28:00):
so this has to stop. And she was like, cool,
thanks for letting me know. And if it doesn't work out,
you can reach out. And I was like, wow, this
is like this is like adult, this is just like
a business deal, where like we hang out, we like
each other, we'd like talk about other people are dating.
I would like drop her off. She's like, yeah, we
dropped me off this farmer's market. I'm meeting a guy
for a date. I'm like, sure, have a great time.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
The beauty, the beauty of communication.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
Yeah, it was.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
It was firing the cylinders.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
That's how I want all breakups to go. And That's
the only time's ever happened in my life where I'm
just like, we'll just sit down, have a conversation, shake
hands and part his friends.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
And that no emotions.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
Yeah yeah, we both know it's it's it should end.
So let's simultaneously decide.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
Perfect that is a good one. Okay, So then we'll
close it out with the worst breakoup.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
There's there's one where I really got crushed.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
But that was just like, that's that's what I want
to hear that.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
Yeah, okay, all right, all right, that's the one that
led to burning man. I was I was thirty, I'd
lived with the girl of three years, and one of
those ones we're in retrospect, you're like, oh, of course
that was coming, But in the moment I had, I
had no idea. I was just like, ah, she's really
going through something for these six months where she's distant
and hanging out with other guys a lot, and like I,
(29:14):
at one point, she was hanging out with this guy
a lot, and I like met up with them, and
it was like kind of hard to meet up with them.
Every time I text him, they were like somewhere else.
I kind of knew the guy and kind of consider
him friend. And then I finally caught up with them
and I walked in and I kind of saw the
way they were talking to each other in a booth
at the bar, and I was like, oh, I think
I'm interrupting a date that my girlfriend is on. That's
the like energy and vibe that's happening here. And like
(29:36):
I sat down and we're chatting, and I'm like, why
do I feel like the third wheel whenever my girlfriend
and another guy? And so eventually I like I hung
on really a long long time. I wrote her this
very long love letter, like ten pages, left it for
her before I was going on a trip. You know,
I love you. I will work through whatever's going on,
like I'm always here for you, and I just like
(29:58):
the first part of the trip, I just waited for
her like volunteers, saying like how sorry she was and
that she loved me, And instead she just like texted
like thanks for the letter. I was like, oh, that's
a bad sign. That's the The follow up to the
ten page love letter is thanks thanks for the letter
in the flowers via text. So I kind of knew
it was over and I had to sort of force
her to break up with me, because like I was,
I didn't I didn't want it to end. I was
(30:19):
still in love and so one day I was like,
what's going on. She's like, I'm just going through something.
I was like, ah, that's not enoughing of an answer anymore,
like what is happening? Like why? It really seems like
you don't want to be in this And then she said, yeah,
I don't, and and then she dated the guy I
thought she was dated. She was hanging around a lot
with like three months later, and so I was just, yeah,
I was very crushed for two or three months, but
(30:40):
then I found solace in the air.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
Was there cheating going on? Or did they?
Speaker 1 (30:45):
She claims now, I never had a definitive proof. I
just at the very least she was emotionally moving on
to this new guy. And then ultimately, you know, when
I ran into her and I was like, oh, I
heard you and that guy are dating now, She's like, yeah,
that was a surprise. It was like not to me.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
So was this also outside of the orgy dome?
Speaker 1 (31:05):
Yes? Yes, Basically you said you couldn't go with me.
Now you're here and you haven't plus one, what.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
All of these interactions from all your stories, I'm just
imagining taking place outside of the or.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
Just waiting outside the orgy done trying to talk.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Yeah, you're you're in this brave heart wolfhead. You know,
blue blue tights. That's where I'm picturing all of it.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
You know. Ultimately I found a very charming London English
chap and it all worked out for me.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
So well, yeah, that was I hope the two of you,
and I hope the two of you never never break up.
I hope that relationship.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
I can't imagine what would what would happen to break
us apart, because when you've when you've done LSD with
someone man, that connection buying be shattered.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
Yeah forever. Well beautiful, Well, uh, mass, thank you so
much for for your stories. I really appreciate you.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
Yeah, my pleasure. Thanks for having me on.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
Well that about does it for this week's episode of
hashtag story Time, Thanks again to Madison. Make sure to
head on down to description toun for them sweet sweet links.
Also take a second and hit subscribe so you don't
miss next week's episode. We've got a great story from
Internet sensation Shanda's Magic. Give us a call the Storytime
hotline three two three seven four one eighteen seventy three
(32:22):
E and tell us your story to be featured on
an upcoming listener Tales episode and if you're enjoying the podcast,
please leave us a review. It helps us out a
lot and I literally read every single one hashtag. Story
Time is produced by iHeartRadio and Curativity Productions, Hosted by
Will mcfatten, sound designed by Tony Maddox, written by Will
mcfatten and Jason Shapiro, Produced by Jason Shapiro and Danielle Amra.
(32:43):
Theme song by Scott Sidens
You meet someone in front of some sculpture of a dragon,
and you're like, hey, woman in a doctor Sue's hat,
want to like have sex now here in the dirt,
like because otherwise I'll never see you again, because there's
seventy thousand people here. And the girl in the doctor
Sue's hat would like say nothing because he was super high,
and then I would continue on in my journey.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
Now, I'm sure most of you are familiar with the
concept of Catharsis. You know, the idea that if we
watch someone else's tragedy, that we, as the viewer, experience
and emotional cleansing or purification. And I've always thought it
was weird that that more people aren't familiar with ecstasis,
which is Catharsis's cooler, hotter sister. Now, extacis is the
(01:01):
feeling of total immersion of being. You know, time slows
down and everything clicks. It suddenly feels like everyone's breath
and heartbeats are synchronized for a few moments. I mean
extacist literally means to stand outside one sells, and we
experience this when we see a life changing piece of
art or theater, or if we're at the stadium and
(01:23):
we see a buzzerbeat or a walk off Homer, and
twenty thousand people stand up screaming in elation together. You know,
I firmly believe that it's the reason why techno music
is so popular. And Burning Man is the epicenter of
extasis because if Burning Man was just a camping trip
in the desert where people did drugs and danced around naked,
(01:44):
it wouldn't explain the positive mental health effects that Berner's
experience for months after they return home. There's something much
deeper and profound going on there. I think it's the extasis. Now.
My friend Madison Perry knows all about extasis. Madison is
a two time Grand Slam winner for the Moth and
he decided to grace our humble podcast with his funny,
(02:04):
heartfelt experience in the black rock desert for Burning Man.
I'm Will Sandy Crack McFadden and this is hashtag Storytime
brought to you by iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
For anyone listening that doesn't know, Burning Man is this
sort of counter culture festival that takes place one hundred
miles from Reno on this salt flat where there's just
nothing but desert. For miles and like seventy thousand people
go there at once and turn this flat, empty desert
into like a tense city with all these camps and
(02:36):
things to do and art exhibits, and people dance and
do drugs and do art and make love and meditate
and do yoga, and it's just like this kind of
hippie party festival thing. And so when I went, I
was about thirty. I had recently been dumped by my
longtime girlfriend who I lived with, and I was like,
(02:56):
I'm gonna go to Burning Man. But I wasn't going
to like heel or transcend or like learn capuera. I
was going to have sex like I'd seen pictures, beautiful
women scantily clad. It seems like a very sexual vibe,
and I'm just like, I'm gonna have weird desert sex.
I want to get sand places sand shouldn't go. I
want to like make love to a woman wearing a
(03:18):
wolf mask, both literally and metaphorically, Like this is my goal.
As I drove out to the desert.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
I'm glad that you were honest with yourself with your goal.
I feel like a lot of people, you know, have
different lies that they're telling themselves when they go out there,
that that is there true you know, motive, and they're saying,
but like, no, I want to find myself. It's like, no,
you're going for weird freaky wolf sex.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
Yeah. Yeah, that's what we all, that's what most of
us want anyway, deep down, freaky wolf sex.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
And so like it takes a long time to drive there,
and you're waiting this long line to get in, and
the whole time I'm thinking about it, and like, I
kind of it just seemed like such a sexual place I imagined,
like when I would get there, they would like check
me in and they'd be like, did you bring your
penis and the like, yeah, it's packed, and they'd be like, perfect,
Just head that way, you'll see a pile of naked,
horny women waiting for the sex the hair. Just go
that way until I see a sex pile. They'd be like, yep,
(04:07):
sex pile. Can't miss it, Like that's this is how
it works here. So I went in with like very
high expectations about the quantity and quality of sex I
would be having. And I got there and it was
not as easy to get laid as I had imagined
it was. It was like very difficult for me. I
like could not make it happen. And part of the
(04:29):
problem is like when you're there, there's no cell phone
or internet or dating apps. Like I was dating a
lot at this point. I would use the apps, like
that's pretty good at dating and getting dates. But it
was like there, it's like now or never. Like you
meet someone in front of some sculpture of a dragon,
and you're like, hey, woman in a doctor Seue's hat,
want to like have sex now here in the dirt,
like because otherwise I'll never see you again, like because
(04:49):
there's seventy thousand people here. And the girl in the
doctor Seue's hat would like say nothing because she was
super high. And then I would continue on in my journey.
And it's and and like there was a girl who
was in the camp because you kind of camp with
a group of people and you have your little place
you sleep and place you eat and activities and and
(05:09):
and I got along with this one girl, but she
was like, I don't look and I'm not trying to
hook up with anyone in the camp, Like I think
it's just you know, don't eat where you shit kind
of thing. And so like even at this hedonistic desert festival.
This girl is following HR protocols. I was like, this
is not what I expected at all. There was a
couple of times I came close to having sex. I
(05:31):
danced with this one girl for like thirty minutes at
this like rave party, thing, very physical, and then she
pulled away and she introduced me to her husband, who
is a great guy, really nice guy. Another woman just
walked straight up to me at a party and licked
my nipple and I was like, well, this, wow, must
be on. This is this is like Nope, led to nothing.
(05:53):
That was just a handshake out there.
Speaker 2 (05:54):
I guess she was a she was a cannibal.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
Maybe yeah. I did not taste good enough to fairly
or to have sex with. But she met me, and
so this is kind of like For a couple days,
I just like like nothing. I couldn't make anything happen.
It just seemed like hard to initiate anything with women.
But I had this like backup plan. I'd heard there
was a camp called the Orgy Dome Camp, and they
(06:18):
build a giant dome and then they throw orgies and
that's like what they provide to the Burning Man attendees.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
It was pretty straightforward.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, not a subtle name really.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
And so how did you just find out about this
on the third day?
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Well, you know, there's there's a handbook that they give
you and as a list of all the things you
can do, and you know it's alphabetical. So it was
a couple of days in I got oh, all right,
they h and so I tried to go and I'm like, well,
this is a can't miss plan. But I found out
you cannot go as a single male. You can't just
(06:55):
show up as a single dude. You have to bring
a partner. You have to bring a woman with you, which,
like after the in Russ I'm like, of course that
makes sense. If you were allowed to go as a
single dude, it would just be a long line of
single dudes being like, when's this thing kicking off? Where
the lady's at?
Speaker 2 (07:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (07:10):
So I just like I was sexually frustrated at Bernieman.
There's beautiful, mostly naked women all around me. Nothing, I'm
not making it happen. I'm not making it happen. But
I did have another great experience, which was drugs. I
tried drugs for basically the first time in my life.
I was thirty at the time. I had I'd smoked
pot a couple of times, but didn't even like it
(07:31):
that much. And just like had had a fear of
drugs my entire Like the DARE program worked on me.
Speaker 2 (07:37):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Yeah, I was like, I'm in I'm here at George Bush,
I'm fighting the war. I'm saying no, like I believe
in this. But at Bernie mad I was like, wait, no,
I'm at this thirty, I'm single, I've just had my
heart broken, I'm at this place. Let's let's let's do
some drugging. And so the camp that I stayed with,
they had a tradition that on the first day on Monday,
(08:00):
they had a tradition called Acid Monday, and similar to
the orgy dome, pretty clear, pretty clear name. Yeah on Monday,
you do it.
Speaker 2 (08:08):
That's a lot of subtlety. No, yeah, it's a great
way to kick off the week.
Speaker 1 (08:12):
Yeah, it is like like all the beautiful traditions, the
simple ones are really the ones that resonate. And so
that evening, the entire campus, which was thirty or forty
people all did acid at the at the same time.
And you know, it's spent like my entire youth and
young adulthood, thinking like, why would people even do drugs?
They're scary, there's all these consequences, And that night I
(08:35):
learned that people do drugs because they're pretty fun. They
are a lot of fun. Turns out, turns out I
like LSD very much. And so just for the whole night,
I wandered around and there's crazy things to look at,
and they're made even crazier by the LSD. And I
noticed that in addition to the physical effects, there's kind
of like this emotional bonding thing that happened with these people.
(08:57):
I was there's like five people that I was wandering
around with, and and so I was not having luck
sexually yet and I wouldn't, but that night I bonded.
I fell head over heels in friendship basically with this
guy named Brian, who was this English guy.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
Deeper a deeper, yeah, deeper, Yeah, was formed.
Speaker 1 (09:15):
Yeah, it was very fast. It was like a non
sexual soulmate. We were just simpatica and like that night,
we were just always around each other, laughing at things.
It felt scary. If we were apart, we would go
out to the bathroom together. We would like tell jokes together.
We would look at things that we didn't even know
if they were there or not together and then I thought,
(09:37):
I was like, wow, this is like a drug thing.
Probably this but they like it. Like it kept on.
We like stayed attached all week, Like we basically did
everything together. We would like share a beer and pass
them back and forth, started calling each other hubby, you know,
like you need some more coffee, hubby. You know, wish
would go to night hubby. At some point the camp
like voted us cute at couple because we were just
hanging out that much.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
It would be if if he wasn't even real.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
That would be I mean, you can't tell. I mean
he was English, so who knows. Maybe he went back
to the Ether and not to London.
Speaker 2 (10:10):
Yeah, he could have just been a figment of the
acid imagination.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Yeah, it would also be sad if, like my imagination,
it was like, you came here to have sex. The
imagination is not going to make a beautiful woman that
you see.
Speaker 2 (10:22):
But no, yeah, this is what you need now, you
need this really supportive englishman.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Yeah, you just need a charming English chap to make
you feel good about life. And so we just hung
out all week and like I have many male friends
I had before that, but like usually in life, you
like become friends with someone slowly over time, and it
was just like, I feel like you're my best friend.
I've known you three days and so we get to
the end of the week, have not had sex. I
(10:49):
have not even kissed a girl. But oh well, I
met Brian and at the end of Bernie Man, the
name of the festival is because they burned a giant
statue of this wooden man thing and it's like the
biggest then and party of the week, and it takes
quite a while because it's big to burn down. But
then when the last piece falls, like everyone just kind
of goes nuts and runs around, and like I got
really caught up in it, and I was like yelling,
(11:09):
and like I took my shirt off and I started
running in a circle around the ashes and I was
like howling, and it was just like it was really
a moment of like being primal and like animalistic. I
was like I don't know where I am or what's happening,
but this is life and I'm living it. I was
on LSD again at this point. I should mention was
probably part of the I figured, yeah, and so I
(11:30):
like kind of come to from this like drug excitement
fugue state, and my first thought is where's my hobby,
Like I've got to find him. And I had this
feeling like it was the last day of summer camp
and I had to tell the person had to crush
on the whole summer camp that I liked them before
we all went home. And so I like went running
into the crowd. I was looking for him in this
(11:50):
giant mass of people. Just to give you a visual,
I was dressed in skin tight bright blue pants and
no shirt and had face paint all over my makeup.
But like that's me at the end of the row, calm,
running to find my hubby and fully tell him how
I feel. And so I find him in a heart Yeah,
basically I had the I was ready for war, but
I was just a dude on drugs at bernemann uh.
(12:14):
And so I find him and I say, you know, Brian,
I have to tell you before the drugs were off
that I love you. And not even like he didn't
take it as a romantic thing. It wasn't a romantic thing,
just like you're a you're a human dude. That I
love and he he said thank you, and he actually
started to cry a bit. He's like a bit of
a crier, hubby is. And then we had a nice
(12:34):
hug and and and then we went on about our night.
And it's not like a it might not seem like
a big deal, Like a guy on drugs told another
guy he loves him. That happens quite a bit, and
I didn't really realize it until afterwards. But it was
the first time in my life I had told a
non family member male that I love them and like it.
(12:55):
Just like the way I grew up, it like had
a bit of a macho culture and a super into sports,
and that kind kind of thing just didn't seem okay,
Like it just seemed weird that you would be watching
football and be like, hey, Bud, I like great play,
and also you're really special to me. Like I never
did that kind of thing growing up. You know, I
had friends that I loved and family members that I love.
And so even though I went to Bernie Man but
(13:15):
like I just want to get laid, who cares about
this hippy dippy stuff. But in the end, I was
just a grown man hugging another man. Crying, saying that
we loved each other and having an emotional breakthrough.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Did he say it back.
Speaker 1 (13:32):
Yeah, yeah, he said I love you too, hubby.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
Okay, yeah, okay, good.
Speaker 1 (13:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
I was just worried. I was worried he left your
hang out.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
Yeah, thank you, thank you. No he did, he did not.
We're still in touch to this day. He lives he
lives in London, so we're doing doing the long distance thing,
but he's worth it. My wife is very understanding of
our relationship because I knew him before I met her,
so she gets it. And then it's a little log.
(14:00):
The last day we're packing up camp. The girl that
had turned me down from my camp on the first day,
she came up to me. She was like, I'm really horny.
I haven't had sex all week. Do you want to
go have sex? And I was like okay, and she's
like it doesn't mean anything, and I was like I
don't care what it means, Like, let's go. And we
had about one minute of very hot, sweaty, dirty sex
on a half deflated mattress and that was it. That
(14:24):
was my sexual odyssey at Burning Man. So at least
I did I did make something happen in the end,
but it was. It paled in comparison to.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
What I had with Brian, but mission accomplished.
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Yeah, yeah, figured it out. Goodness, what a journey. Yeah, yeah,
it was. It was a good experience.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
I'm the opposite. I tell like everybody I love them,
Like do I sign off zoom meetings? Yeah, I'm just like,
all right, buddy, I love you. It's like we I'm
your accountant. You shouldn't be telling me.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
I have become more of that way to offer it up. Yeah. Wait,
you see how much money I got you back from
the I R S before you tell me that.
Speaker 2 (15:11):
Well, this is another sign that I feel like I
need to make a trek to the Black Rock Desert
and uh and go to Burning Man. I've had so
many friends go and have these sort of these life
altering experiences, and I want a piece of that.
Speaker 1 (15:30):
Yeah, it is. Uh. I tried not to convince people
to go, because if you don't really want to go
on your own, like, you shouldn't be convinced of it
because there's many annoying, horrible things about it too, and
like all the bad ideas and the good ideas you have,
they're like all true, all true there. Yeah, but I
have now been I think five times since that first trek,
so I guess I'm super into it.
Speaker 2 (15:51):
Yeah, you're a burner. Yeah, do you have a Do
you have a burner?
Speaker 1 (15:55):
Calling myself that? But I suppose I am.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Do you have a do you have a name like
a burner name when you're there?
Speaker 1 (16:02):
I don't have a hardcore one where like most people
just call me Madison. I sometimes people call me the Deputy.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
I was helping a guy who's named the Douche Marshal
do some work, so he deputies me building a shower
in our camp. He was the douche Marshal. He's also
like a bit of a douche, so it was like
a double meaning word, but a very a very severe,
kind of mean German guy. But I love him, so
I'm his his deputy.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
The douche deputy.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
Yeah, that's amazing exactly.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
Oh man, I want a cool burning Man nickname. Yeah, yeah,
I'll take Maybe I'll take story time. You know, I
could take story time and do storytime live at burning Man.
I'm sure the stories would be nonsense. And I went to.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
A story show there and told a story I really
heard some stories, and it was much more like an
AA meeting vibe, like super fun story hour, Like a
lot of people really like opening themselves up in a
way like yeah, maybe not so much, like maybe close
it back down a little bit, like.
Speaker 2 (17:11):
A little TMI.
Speaker 1 (17:13):
Yeah. Yeah. So we were all sitting around in a
circle and people take turns telling their stories. It's like,
where's where's the stage, where's my mic the where's the lights?
Where's the time limit?
Speaker 2 (17:24):
That's the other idea that I've I've you know, I
love theater and I love acting, and I've always thought
about creating some sort of a show to take to
Burning Man and to perform there. I don't know if
it would be some immersive theater or Midsummer Night's Dream
or something.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Yeah, there are amazing things like that that are you know,
there's a lot of stuff that's very slap dash and
you're like, oh, this is barely anything, and then there's
things where you're like, oh my gosh, people worked for
months to like build this art and they have parts
and like it's very immersive, and the people that really
like go full in, like it's really cool. You know,
last last time, the most impressive thing was you went
(18:03):
through this door down an alleyway between like these RVs,
and then behind it was a little like town with
like three different restaurants and three different bars that were
all like built like they'd framed them and they had
like they'd been set decorated, and like you went. I
went into one and there was a whiskey bar and
the guy like just brought it was a whiskey collector,
and he brought every whiskey and he'd give you a
taste of like any whiskey he had, like he didn't
(18:25):
it could be really rare, really expensive, and he would
tell you about it, and you're like wow, like these
people did this all for free, for no reason. And
then like I was like this is cool when I
walked in here. Yeah, that stuff is great.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
Yeah. I want to hear that guy's stories. I want
to sit and drink whiskey with him, Yeah, and hear
his tails.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Yeah, that would be good.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Are you going to burning is Burning men back? Now?
Is it happening? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (18:48):
It is happening this year for the first I think
they took two years were canceled. It's happening again this year.
A lot of people I know from there are going.
I am not going up two small children now, so
I don't.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
Know when I will bring them.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
Dude. You see kids out there, man, there's like camps
that are made for like families, and you drive by
and there's just like half naked kids covered in dust
having the best time of their life. It just looks
like Lord of the Flies. I'm not sure I'm ready
to take a care I feel like I barely survive
out there myself, let alone taking care of a child.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
You turn into a child.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
You don't bring the child exactly, man, you get it.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
You play at the heart of a child. Don't bring
a child, man. Yeah, trying to go to the orgy
dome with the child. That is illegal.
Speaker 1 (19:34):
That's illegal. Man, Come on, yeah, you get you get
the ethos.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
All right, Well, I think I'm ready.
Speaker 1 (19:40):
You are ready, you know, not to bring kids. And
that's how you need to know.
Speaker 2 (19:44):
Yeah, that's the main thing. And like, find a find
a bro, find a bro mance out there.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Man, find a bro. Well maybe you'd maybe you'd have
luck with the ladies more than I did.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
Who knows. I'm I'm I'm locked down. Oh, I'm shocked up.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
So you know that's a better way to go. You
go out there, there's no expectations about that, and yeah,
you spend time on other things.
Speaker 2 (20:06):
It would be it would be a it would be
a problem if I was having a lot of sexual
success in burning men, that would be life.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
Several several couples that have had that issue haven't out there.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
So I did have a friend who was out there
who she got married on the plaia after a pussy
eating contest age old story. Yeah, you know what a
meet cute.
Speaker 1 (20:35):
Yeah, they that's how she met the person she married.
Speaker 2 (20:40):
Yep. Wow, I don't think they're still together.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Oh that's a shame. I'm sure it was a maybe
a short but very pleasure filled the marriage.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
Yeah, hopefully an amicable divorce.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Yeah yeah. And I don't know if the marriages out
there have as many legal implications. So you know, it's
all right, didn't work out.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
We got to split our stuff. You get this half
of the the air mattress and then I'll take these feathers.
Are my feather your that's your boa.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Yep, that's what would happen.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Well, cool man, Well that was great. That was that
was a beautiful That was a beautiful tale.
Speaker 1 (21:21):
Oh good thank you.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
I'm glad you. I'm glad you shared it.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
I feel good to have shared it.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
First, Last, Best, Worst is a it's a kind of
a game that we like to play on the pod
where we pick a category and then you share your
your first experience, your last experience, your best experience, and
your worst experience in that category.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
So, so let's do breakups.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
So the first the first breakup.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Uh so, my first breakup, my my first girlfriend was
in second grade, right, and this this girl Amy, on
Valentine's Day brought me a chocolate heart and gave it
to me. Yeah, and for a reason I don't know why,
I just opened it immediately and shoved the entire thing
in my mouth. And this was like three inches by
(22:14):
three inches solid chocolate heart, and I like could not
get it down all into my little mouth, and I
started having trouble breathing, and I ended up spinning out half
of it onto the ground and there's like a brown
saliva string to the ground. Get my face wiped up,
and she says, will you go out with me? Like
she'd stood there through all of this and she wanted to.
(22:34):
You know, that's what we called dating in second grade
is will you go out that's love? Yeah, yeah, I
said no and ran away to play kickball. And like
she was a very nice girl, a cute girl. I
got along with her in class. I was just like
so prepubescent like that. I that just like wasn't a
thing in my mind.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Right at this point in my life, mostly focused on
chocolate and kickball. That was funny.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
Yeah. I was like, all right, Coolly, I had your
chocolate and now I'm going to play kickball.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Like got everything.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
But I told my mom what happened, and she was
like really mad at me for like being rude and
for like eating the heart right away and not saying
thank you, and like she was like, if you don't
like someone, don't accept their gifts and her false pretenses,
and so she she said, I had to apologize, and
I apologizing when you're eight is like the worst thing
in the world. So I was like, well, I'll just
tell her I'll be her boyfriend. I'll just go out
(23:22):
with her, and that will like solve all this. So
I told her I would be a boyfriend, by which
I mean I told my friends to tell her friends
to tell her that we were we were dating. That day,
we did not talk at all, because what the what
the heck do you say to your girlfriend? The next day,
my best friend told me he'd hurt a rumor that
Jamie at Michelle's birthday party had put a tube of
(23:45):
chapstick in her vagina. That was the rumor going around.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
And he's an aggressive rumor if I know.
Speaker 1 (23:53):
Yeah, i'd like only recently stopped calling it a budgina.
So this is like all very like unknown territory. And
I didn't even know what to make of it, but
I could tell by the way my friend Brian was
telling me like that this was bad that I couldn't
be so I broke up with her, by which I
mean I told Brian to tell her friends to tell
her that we were broken up. So that was my
first breakup, and I handled it horribly. We dated for
(24:16):
twenty four hours without speaking, and then I didn't tell
it to her face. So I feel bad about that one,
but I was just I was in over my head.
Speaker 2 (24:24):
We didn't even get to the bottom of whether the
rumor was true or not. You know, that could have
been a well.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
When do you hear a rumor like that? I mean,
you got to know it's true I mean something like that,
spreading around the playground. There's just no way that that's
not totally made up by who knows who?
Speaker 2 (24:40):
Oh no, poor Jamie.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
I know, Yeah, it worked. Things worked out for her.
She grew into a beautiful woman, was very popular in
high school. I did not date anyone until college. So
I really I missed the boat. Missed the boat on
that one.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Well, I hope she's doing okay today.
Speaker 1 (24:57):
Yeah, me too, Me.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Too, Jamie. If you're out there, love I love you.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
You guys would be a good fit.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
Okay. So that was the first. What about the last breakup?
Speaker 1 (25:12):
The last breakup was the woman I dated before I
met my wife. So this is I've been married for
nine years now, so so a while ago, and I've
been dating here for four months and on New Year's
Eve or maybe two months, sorry, on New Year's Eve.
We've been dating for two months, and she told me
she loved me, and I like, in that moment, was
(25:32):
kind of like, oh, I don't know if this is
like love for me, but like it was New Year's
Eve and we're having a NIC's evening and it was
like the midnight kiss, and so I set it back
and said I love you too, and I kind of
convinced me. I was like, you know what, sometimes it's
a slow burn, and like I do really like her,
I enjoy my time with her, and like maybe this
is the beginning of a very healthy sort of like love.
And then two months later she dumped me, and I
(25:53):
was kind of like, what the Like, you told me
you loved me. I like, I was still lease it
end of the thing, and you told me that, and
now like you're out, You're just gone, like and so
I was. It was not a long relationship and I
was not fully committed, but it was a frustrating one.
And uh and then uh, like two or three months later,
I started dating my wife and I was like, oh,
(26:14):
this is what it feels like when you're in love.
It's not like, oh, maybe I should say it back.
It's like, oh, I'm dying to say it. I can't
wait to say it. I hope she shays it back,
which I knew.
Speaker 2 (26:22):
But she was your good luck chock.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
Yeah she was, she was, I guess.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
Uh.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
And that was with that. That was the only like
two weeks after that, she came over to talk and
we had That's the only time I've ever had breakup
sex in my life, which was oh wow, odd but
like somewhat cool. I guess it was not No, no, it.
Speaker 2 (26:39):
Was I ran into her at the outside of the
Orgie Dome was she.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
Was like, I know that. Plus now that's a meat cute.
So that's my last breakup. I hope, I hope it's
the last breakup of my life.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
Yeah, me too. Okay, So then what about what about
your so I guess your first, No, we've did for okay,
So that let's do your your best. This is a
weird one, but your best break.
Speaker 1 (27:07):
My best breakup was I think what was the easiest,
the easiest.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
One, most amicable.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
This was like not quite a breakup because we weren't really dating,
but I was dating this like it wasn't serious, but
I was dating schoo. I'd gone out a few times
and she at some point was like, Hey, I think
we're getting too serious and I think we should we
should stop. I'm like looking to kind of just casually date.
I'm seeing other people. And I was like, oh, yeah,
me too, Like, no no pressure. I don't know if
that came across, but I'm not really looking for a
(27:38):
girlfriend at the moment. Anyway. So if you're just using
this as an excuse not to date me, all cool,
enjoy your life. But if you were just worried about
like hurting my feelings, like we can continue dating and
seeing each other. And she was like, oh, okay, yeah,
that sounds great. And so we just like saw each
other a couple times a month for like three months,
and then I started dating someone. I was like, hey,
I am I'm going to get into an exclusive relationship now,
(28:00):
so this has to stop. And she was like, cool,
thanks for letting me know. And if it doesn't work out,
you can reach out. And I was like, wow, this
is like this is like adult, this is just like
a business deal, where like we hang out, we like
each other, we'd like talk about other people are dating.
I would like drop her off. She's like, yeah, we
dropped me off this farmer's market. I'm meeting a guy
for a date. I'm like, sure, have a great time.
Speaker 2 (28:18):
The beauty, the beauty of communication.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
Yeah, it was.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
It was firing the cylinders.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
That's how I want all breakups to go. And That's
the only time's ever happened in my life where I'm
just like, we'll just sit down, have a conversation, shake
hands and part his friends.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
And that no emotions.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
Yeah yeah, we both know it's it's it should end.
So let's simultaneously decide.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
Perfect that is a good one. Okay, So then we'll
close it out with the worst breakoup.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
There's there's one where I really got crushed.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
But that was just like, that's that's what I want
to hear that.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
Yeah, okay, all right, all right, that's the one that
led to burning man. I was I was thirty, I'd
lived with the girl of three years, and one of
those ones we're in retrospect, you're like, oh, of course
that was coming, But in the moment I had, I
had no idea. I was just like, ah, she's really
going through something for these six months where she's distant
and hanging out with other guys a lot, and like I,
(29:14):
at one point, she was hanging out with this guy
a lot, and I like met up with them, and
it was like kind of hard to meet up with them.
Every time I text him, they were like somewhere else.
I kind of knew the guy and kind of consider
him friend. And then I finally caught up with them
and I walked in and I kind of saw the
way they were talking to each other in a booth
at the bar, and I was like, oh, I think
I'm interrupting a date that my girlfriend is on. That's
the like energy and vibe that's happening here. And like
(29:36):
I sat down and we're chatting, and I'm like, why
do I feel like the third wheel whenever my girlfriend
and another guy? And so eventually I like I hung
on really a long long time. I wrote her this
very long love letter, like ten pages, left it for
her before I was going on a trip. You know,
I love you. I will work through whatever's going on,
like I'm always here for you, and I just like
(29:58):
the first part of the trip, I just waited for
her like volunteers, saying like how sorry she was and
that she loved me, And instead she just like texted
like thanks for the letter. I was like, oh, that's
a bad sign. That's the The follow up to the
ten page love letter is thanks thanks for the letter
in the flowers via text. So I kind of knew
it was over and I had to sort of force
her to break up with me, because like I was,
I didn't I didn't want it to end. I was
(30:19):
still in love and so one day I was like,
what's going on. She's like, I'm just going through something.
I was like, ah, that's not enoughing of an answer anymore,
like what is happening? Like why? It really seems like
you don't want to be in this And then she said, yeah,
I don't, and and then she dated the guy I
thought she was dated. She was hanging around a lot
with like three months later, and so I was just, yeah,
I was very crushed for two or three months, but
(30:40):
then I found solace in the air.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
Was there cheating going on? Or did they?
Speaker 1 (30:45):
She claims now, I never had a definitive proof. I
just at the very least she was emotionally moving on
to this new guy. And then ultimately, you know, when
I ran into her and I was like, oh, I
heard you and that guy are dating now, She's like, yeah,
that was a surprise. It was like not to me.
Speaker 2 (31:02):
So was this also outside of the orgy dome?
Speaker 1 (31:05):
Yes? Yes, Basically you said you couldn't go with me.
Now you're here and you haven't plus one, what.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
All of these interactions from all your stories, I'm just
imagining taking place outside of the or.
Speaker 1 (31:15):
Just waiting outside the orgy done trying to talk.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Yeah, you're you're in this brave heart wolfhead. You know,
blue blue tights. That's where I'm picturing all of it.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
You know. Ultimately I found a very charming London English
chap and it all worked out for me.
Speaker 2 (31:33):
So well, yeah, that was I hope the two of you,
and I hope the two of you never never break up.
I hope that relationship.
Speaker 1 (31:41):
I can't imagine what would what would happen to break
us apart, because when you've when you've done LSD with
someone man, that connection buying be shattered.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
Yeah forever. Well beautiful, Well, uh, mass, thank you so
much for for your stories. I really appreciate you.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
Yeah, my pleasure. Thanks for having me on.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
Well that about does it for this week's episode of
hashtag story Time, Thanks again to Madison. Make sure to
head on down to description toun for them sweet sweet links.
Also take a second and hit subscribe so you don't
miss next week's episode. We've got a great story from
Internet sensation Shanda's Magic. Give us a call the Storytime
hotline three two three seven four one eighteen seventy three
(32:22):
E and tell us your story to be featured on
an upcoming listener Tales episode and if you're enjoying the podcast,
please leave us a review. It helps us out a
lot and I literally read every single one hashtag. Story
Time is produced by iHeartRadio and Curativity Productions, Hosted by
Will mcfatten, sound designed by Tony Maddox, written by Will
mcfatten and Jason Shapiro, Produced by Jason Shapiro and Danielle Amra.
(32:43):
Theme song by Scott Sidens
Host
Will McFadden
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