October 4, 2025 • 50 mins
Everybody knows mail order marriages are at best a last resort for jerks looking to boss a foreign spouse around or, at worst, a front for human trafficking. Or are they? Yes and no. Mail order marriage comes with nuance and a surprisingly long history. Learn all about it in this classic episode.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
You may not know this, but the original purpose of
Stuff you Should Know was to change people's minds about
male order marriages, and we certainly did with this episode.
We were so successful that we decided to keep the
podcast going. I'm just kidding for those of our listeners
who have trouble detecting that kind of thing. What is
true is that it's a surprisingly interesting episode and it
(00:23):
may very well change your mind about male order marriages.
I was serious, just not for those of our listeners
who always think I'm kidding. How about we all just
enjoy this episode? Shall we?
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Welcome to Stuff you Should Know, a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Hey, and welcome to the podcast. I'm Josh, and there's
Chuck and Jerry's here too, and this is Stuff you
should Know about male order marriages.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Murky Waters.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Yeah, really, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
This is one of those where.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
We researched and researched and read and read, and I
think it's one of those deals for me that's like
and this is just my opening statement where it can
be a positive thing, like a dating service in some ways,
(01:27):
but there is certainly a darker side to the whole situation.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
I already know how you feel about it, and I
feel like it's coming through clearly.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Yeah, I mean, it's just it's very It's one of
those really murky things where sometimes you hear these really
great stories about people that do find are looking for
love and find love with someone from another country and
it works out for everybody. And then sometimes you hear
about stories where it's sort of what the National Organization
for Women's sonya Asario calls a softer version of human trafficking.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Or even worse, occasionally someone turns up murdered.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Yeah, I mean, that's the truest dark side. So that's
just me level setting and we can talk about the good,
the bad, and the ugly.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
I think that was a great level saying. I generally
agree with it. But for me, the jury is still
out in thinking about it as a whole because there's
so little hard data on this stuff. Yeah, almost everything
is anecdotal, true, and when like you condemned something based
on anecdotal data, what you've got there as a moral panic,
not necessarily something in reality. So I'm a little hesitant
(02:41):
to go all the way. The jury's still out for me,
but I definitely recognize the same stuff you do. For sure.
It's definitely there. It exists, it's just for me. The
question is how much does it exist and does the
good outweigh the bad? And I don't know. So yeah,
we should probably like actually define what we're talking about here,
because most people, I would guests are familiar with mail
(03:01):
order brides. They're more recently they've come to be called
mail order marriages because they've been extended to same sex
couples in the United States. But then also like even
more generally, it's called international marriage brokerage.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Right, yeah, I mean there's a full industry built around this,
with thousands of websites and agencies that are brokering these marriages.
And you know, from looking into it, it seems like
there are some really above board ones that kind of
act like an international dating surface in some ways where
(03:40):
they group, you know, match like people together. And then
it seems like there are a lot of really sketchy
ones that charge people a ton of money and aren't
looking out for the men or the women.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
And I know that money is sunk back into making
their website look at all nonclude.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
I saw some really really bad websites, I mean so.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
Bad, man like comic Sands at one.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
Point Yeah, it's hard to see those and not think, well, A,
this is a scam or B this is a front
for some sort of CD trafficking operation.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Right, Yeah, it is tough not to think like that.
But but what we are talking about generally is a
marriage where the husband and the wife are generally unknown
to each other. Maybe have met once, but if they did,
it's possible it was just a day or two before.
(04:37):
Or maybe they've met once or twice and have done
some correspondence back and forth for an extended period of time.
But that's pretty new. And the classical definition it's they're
generally unknown to one another, and one of them, usually
the bride travels a very long distance from home to
move to the husband's home and make a life there
(05:00):
and be married. That's not the Webster's definition. There's a
lot more stumbling in my definition, but I think that
generally gets it across.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
Yeah, and you know, the kind of the classic thing
that you think of is lonely American man who has
a little bit of money in his forties or fifties,
can't find American woman and ends up getting a young, beautiful,
young Ukrainian woman who doesn't speak much English. And would
love to live in the United States and fall in
(05:33):
love with an American man and that sort of And
you know, of course it happens from all countries, but
a lot of times you think of Russia and the
Ukraine or maybe in Southeast Asia or something like that.
That is sort of I feel like when people say
that term, most people, that's probably what pops into their head.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Yeah, or I think you're being rather generous. I think
a lot of people would be like, you know, some
sad sack who can't like find a woman in America
has to go look elsewhere to get really judge about it,
and I think people are really judging about male order marriages.
I think there's a long standing tradition in the United
States of considering people who who go outside the traditional
(06:12):
channels of marriage and basically take it into their own hands,
like through male order marriage are they're very much judged
harshly and criticized, maybe fairly, maybe not. But I think
there's another component too, especially these days, is that the
men who who are looking for women for male order
brides are also dominant, domineering, possibly abusive, and they're looking
(06:36):
for docile women who will do whatever they say, because
they're the husband, so they have to go to other
cultures where that might be more prevalent and where they
can select from women who might respond to that kind
of thing a lot better than an American woman who
wouldn't put up with his guf. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
I mean that is certainly a part of what happens sometimes,
and some of these agencies promote that the submissive nature.
There was one that literally said that these young women
are quote unspoiled by feminism, and you have potential homemaking
savings of one hundred and fifty dollars a week because
you're essentially getting a you know, sort of a living
(07:15):
domestic servant.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Good lord.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
So you know, that's the underbelly and the dark side.
But we you know, I did find some that do
seem very above board and people that do genuinely look
like they're looking for love and have struck out at
home so they're looking elsewhere.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Yeah, so I said, Chuck, And we should also say
one other thing too, Like, you know, it's pretty like
it's a pretty well known thing in America. It's not
like on everybody's lips. You don't hear it in every
monologue on the Late night talk shows or anything like that.
But like, generally people in America are familiar and know
about male order marriages, but it turns out it's even
(07:52):
bigger in other countries like Taiwan and South Korea have
huge male order marriage industries that may even dwarf the
United States. And it's pretty I don't want to say
it's huge in the United States, but it's not like
just some small speck of sliver of like an arcane
group of people. Like it's bigger than you'd think, but
it's even bigger in some other Asian countries as well.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
Yeah, And Dave Ruse helped us put this together, and
this was a tough assignment for him, but he used
a lot of information from a book by a legal
professor originally from University of South Carolina named Marsha Zugg
called Buying a Bride insert colon music Jerry, an Engaging
(08:36):
History of mail order Matches, where it seems like she
gives a you know, a fair but fairly full throated
defense of its history through the ages as far as
and we'll get into this, but as far as an
opportunity for a lot of women to gain more agency
and to gain more rights at a time when they
(08:56):
might not have any, all the way up through today,
where she still defends it to a certain degree and says,
you know, like, sure, these situations can be bad, but
what's really bad is what undocumented immigrants have to suffer
through in this country because they have no legal rights.
(09:16):
They can't go to the police, they can't leave their
spouse or their partner for fear of deportation. And it's
an interesting take, I think, and I'm glad that Dave
found this book, you know, because I'm not sure that
I would have been as fair.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Yeah, yeah, no, she definitely almost I get the impression
that she is defensive on behalf of the industry just
because of how mistreated it's been, in her opinion, unfairly
in large part.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
Yeah, because you know, I think it very much has
an anti feminist rap for good reason. But she does
make some compelling arguments that throughout history it wasn't that
way at all, And I guess we can go ahead
and dive into some of that. In the early days
of male order marriages in the American colonies, there was
a lack of women problem in the early colonies.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
I mean, like the earliest colonies. We're talking like James
Town here.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
Yeah, like you know, the Puritans and Pilgrims, they may
have come over with their families, but there are a
lot of single men that came over, and a lot
of them some of them may like run off with
an indigenous woman and live with among her tribe and
be like, you know what, I'm kind of done building
things for Jamestown. I'm out of here. So that's no
(10:34):
good if they're looking for young men to like kind
of help build up these young colonies. And then other
ones were just lonely and said, hey, like there are
no women over here, what are we supposed to do?
So very early on they started sort of advertising and
bringing women, you know, supposedly volunteers over who wanted to
(10:58):
come to the colonies and sort of have maybe even
more rights than they had back home.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Yeah, And this is a really good example of kind
of like a thread that ran through the first couple
centuries of America's founding, which was government sanctioned and supported
mail order marriages in order to help build more stable communities. Right,
So the legislatures did things like create laws that made
(11:27):
it more attractive for a woman to become a male
order bride in this area, Like apparently in England, if
you became a widow you got a third of the
estate and that was it. And in places like Virginia
and I think Maryland as well, they set up laws
that basically said, hey, you're going to keep a lot
more than that, you can run your own business afterward,
(11:48):
like being a widow's going to rock And did we
mention also the men are dropping deadlight flies over here,
so yeah, your husband's probably going to die pretty quick.
So if you don't like them, who cares. You still
get to keep all this inheritance and you get to
keep the business and you can't do quite that well
for yourself in those circumstances back in England. So that
attracted people. And that was like the government saying like,
(12:11):
please come over here and marry these strangers that you've
never met before.
Speaker 3 (12:15):
Yeah, and you know, it made sense for a lot
of these young women because many of them were you know,
they were from like the servant class, let's say, so
they were looking at years of servitude in England and
then they basically were like, well, hey, forget all that,
why don't you just come over here, get married and
like you said, I think the status even one in
(12:35):
three marriages lasted ten years.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
Yeah, so they.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
Did kind of sell them on the fact that, yeah,
it's not so great, you'll probably be dead soon enough.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Yeah, and then you can have his stuff.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
Yeah. And it actually, I mean like that actually did
like attract some women. I think, at least I don't
know if we have the number, but there definitely were
what they called tobacco wives who came to marry new
tobacco planters who were setting up their own fortune. And
I actually had to prove that they were of financial
(13:07):
means by donating one hundred and fifty pounds of gold
leaf tobacco to the Virginia Company to take part in
this right. And so that lasted as long as it lasted,
or as long as it needed to. And as the
Eastern colonies started to like become more self sufficient, became
less rowdy, became more family oriented as far as the
(13:28):
Europeans were concerned, the need for like those mail order
schemes kind of went away. But then as America kind
of expanded further and further west, the frontier kept recreating
itself in different places. So you know, it went from
the eastern colonies to you know, along the Mississippi, and
(13:51):
then further and further out west. And every time it
did that, this new iteration of the frontier was settled
by rowdy men, and they would have to figure out
a way to get women to attract women to come
out to marry the rowdy men so they would stop
beating each other up in bar fights and become more
productive citizens. And that kept going on throughout the eighteenth
(14:11):
and nineteenth centuries in the United States.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
Yeah, and you know, if you're already thinking, guys, this,
this already sounds terrible, these marriages based on these financial arrangements. Yeah,
and you know, despite these promises of a better life,
like that's kind of what we're talking about, like welcome
to marriage in the seventeenth and eighteenth century.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Yeah, don't be so naive.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Yeah, that's not that's kind of what it was.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
And they've made a good point, like the notion of
marrying for true love, that's a very much like a
twentieth century proposition. Yeah, even if it wasn't a male
order bride situation, it was someone's dowry or parents sort
of arranging marriages and saying these family this family should
marry this family, which still goes on today. I should
(14:57):
point out among like the blue chip in the high Societ,
like and Arthur had to marry Susan.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
You know, let's not forget that.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Everybody with a Habsburg jaw was an arranged marriage.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
He could marry Liza Minelly.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
I didn't realize you were making the movie reference. I
thought you were thought Arthur and Susan. I thought you
were using like Biff and Muffy, like generally Arthur and Okay, yeah, yeah,
I got it. Now I got it.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
But the point is is that marriage was a financial
arrangement many in most times back then. I'm not saying
no one ever married because they were in love. I'm
sure that happened, uh, but it had to take a
lot of boxes back then.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
So it was just sort of the way it was.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
And so this solved problems for early settlers and for
westward expanders. They made things really attractive in California for women.
They made it easier to divorce your husband if you
wanted to. They made it easier to or just legal
to own and sell, buy and sell land, which is
not something you could do at other places in the country.
(16:02):
So they were trying to make it an attractive situation
for women to move west because they needed men and
women out there. And I think the between eighteen fifty
and eighteen sixty, the population of women in California increased
from three percent to nineteen percent of the total population.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
So it was working, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
It was. And it wasn't just California, but Washington State
also participated. I think Oregon may have as well. And
there would be these schemes and I don't mean scheme
like you know, like dastardly scheme, but like a.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Plant good scheme.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
Yeah, where like a guy would go around to the
bachelors out in like Washington Territory and be like, give
me a one hundred bucks or I think three hundred bucks,
which is about five grand today, and I will bring
you a suitable wife. And at least one guy did this.
Asa Mercer was a marriage broke and he would go
(17:01):
back east say hey, there's like this great booming economy
out west, why don't you come with me, And like
he would return with like one hundred women and some
of them would get married immediately, some would wait. But
it was like another It was another thing where there
was a need for women to stabilize it out of
control male population.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:22):
And you know, Zug points out very fairly in her
book that some of these Mercer girls from as they
were called, from ace of Mercer's operation, became abolitionists, some
became women's rights advocates and social reformers. One of them's
name was this great name, Mihitable Haskell Elder, and she
(17:42):
organized the eighteen seventy one Women's Rights Conference in Olympia, Washington,
and recruited one Susan B. Anthony as the territory delegate
for the National Women's Suffrage Association convention. So, you know,
in a lot of cases, these women did find agency
and they did get out of a better situation than
(18:03):
they were in back east.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
Hey, So you want to take a break and then
we'll talk about the probably what was the real birth
of mail order marriages? Sure, Okay, we'll be right back,
(18:35):
all right, Chuck. So we've been talking to this point
about basically like government sanctioned schemes to kind of stabilize
male populations. There was also at the same time, beginning
in the nineteenth century, I think starting in England actually
in the eighteenth century, that was kind of simultaneously unfolding.
And that was the matrimonial advertisement industry, which to me
(18:59):
is like the real birth of the mail order marriage
industry that we understand today. But it was basically the
personal ads.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
Yeah, it was the birth of personal ads, the birth
of dating services. It's really interesting in that women would
put ads in London and then later on in the
United States, ads in the paper basically saying, you know, hi,
this is who I am, this is what I'm looking for.
I mean, much like you would see these days in
like a dating profile. And it was a way for
(19:30):
them to, you know, to take some agency over avoiding
the arranged marriage that their parents had set up for him,
and maybe get a little bit of choice of suitors.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
Right, And I mean like that is like taking control
of your own of your own marriage prospects. And it
was I guess radical is probably a pretty good word.
But it picked up. It caught on, especially in the
US by the end of the nineteenth century, it really
started to catch on to where they were like magazines
(20:00):
that were like dedicated just to matrimonial advertisements. Right. Yeah,
Like there was the Matrimonial News, which is actually the
most straight ahead of all of them.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
Yeah, I like Cupid's Messenger. That sounds like a cute one.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
What about Heart and Hand, Heart.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
In Hand, and then to me this one, I guess
they were just trying to play it really safe, the
standard correspondence club.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Right, good day to you, right exactly.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
So yeah, so these things were like kind of popular
by the end of the nineteenth century. But then it's
like you said earlier, by the end of the nineteenth
century the beginning of the twentieth century, our ideas about
what constituted marriage or the reasons for marriage had transitioned
from financial arrangements into love in America, right, And so
there was simultaneously a popularity of matrimonial advertisements and people
(20:53):
taking control of their own marriage prospects, and at the
same time a criticism and a society generally looking down
upon people who did that kind of thing. So there
would be stories in the paper of people like sad
sack bachelors or lonely heart widows getting conned or swindled
(21:15):
or getting fool catfished basically is what you'd call it today.
And people love to read that kind of stuff and
laugh at their misfortune and look down on these people.
And that's where like the root of what people still
do today to the mail order marriage industry, at least
in America, really finds its roots in the twentieth century.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Yeah, and this is when things started transitioning to overseas,
when American men started bringing in women from foreign countries,
and that's when I think that's when it became a
bit more of an industry. And this is when Congress
got kind of full on racist and trying to control
(21:57):
this thing because there was you know, there were women saying,
I don't want these women coming into our country and
disrupting our feminist agenda that we're trying to push. There
were men saying, we don't want this people from China
or Japan coming in here, and you know, they can
(22:18):
have babies once a year, and they like there were
senators literally saying these things. Yeah, and so they would
enact laws like, you know, we're going to be overrun basically,
So they would enact laws like the Chinese Exclusion Act
of eighteen eighty two to ban Chinese immigration. There was
a loophole for Japan with a nineteen oh seven Gentlemen's
(22:39):
Agreement which basically said, I you that a Japanese woman
and their kids could come over if they were married.
So there were Japanese single men already in the United
States that immigrated over here that would get married sight
unseen from like a catalog basically in order to gain
immigration status for the Japanese women.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
That ultimately got shut down in nineteen twenty four with
the Immigration Act and they just said no Japanese immigration
of any kind now after that. So there was a
huge anti Asian thread from the late nineteenth century in
the early twentieth century based on immigration, and a lot
of that kind of centered on mail order marriages. But
(23:21):
then one of the other things that really kind of
cropped up as a result of male order marriages going
from like women back East or women coming from Europe,
to women coming from Asia to marry white American men.
There was this idea that the women were nothing more
than like looking for a green cart basically American citizenship,
(23:46):
trying to escape their own country. And you run into
that criticism today, I mean just as much as you
would have back in nineteen twenty four when they passed
the Immigration Act against Japanese people.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
Oh yeah, because you know, and this is from Zug's book.
She talks about you know, Mexican women, Greek women, Asian women,
Jewish women, Italian women, they were much more likely to
be deported under an LPC charge, which is a person
that is likely to become a public charge, basically like
to come over and sort of live off the government.
(24:22):
If they were from these countries. In a way around
that was to get married and get that green card.
So that criticism came pretty straight away, I think, right.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
And then the other one is that they were basically
all just sex workers in disguise, coming over under the
guise of being mail order brides, but really they were
coming over here to prostitute themselves and behave immrally. And again,
this is another accusation that you see today, except the
(24:51):
onuss or the focus the empathy, I guess has evolved
from being put on society being attacked by these immoral
women to the women themselves being trafficked by international criminals.
But it's still generally the same accusation. It's just been
it's just altered itself some you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (25:14):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, And you know that sort of anti
feminist charge from American women saying that you know, these
women from other countries are coming over here and they
do whatever their husbands tell them, and this is setting
us back.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
They would say the same thing though, about war brides.
Speaker 3 (25:32):
If you are a soldier in Korea or Vietnam and
brought a woman back over, they would have that same
kind of charge levied against them, saying, the only reason
you're bringing these women back is because of the power
and balance that is now gained. And you know that
can be fair to a certain degree. There's a lot
there is. It's really hard to talk about marriage like
(25:57):
this without talking about inequity and a power imbalance from
the beginning. Not to say that that doesn't change and
that there aren't great success stories where both partners are
equal and they both contribute and they both respect one
another's viewpoints.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
But anytime you are.
Speaker 3 (26:21):
In a situation where you are bringing someone over from
another country that is escaping a bad situation and looking
for a more prosperous situation and you can provide that
and you are paying the money to the service for
linking you, there's a power imbalance there from the beginning.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
Yeah, well, there's a power imbalance in that. Like you
probably don't speak the language as the mail order bride
you don't have any friends, you don't have any family,
you don't have any social structure to depend on. The
only person you have to depend on is your husband. Right,
he's not very nice to you, or even worse abusive
towards you, you're in big trouble. And then it's also,
like you said, if you are escaping poverty back home,
(26:58):
you might show up with basically no money. And so
if you just found out that this guy is not
always cracked up to be, or he is abusive, or
he's actually got a terrible criminal record or terrible credit
or all sorts of stuff that you wouldn't have otherwise
come over for, you're stuck here. And according to some
human trafficking groups, that is a broad definition of human
(27:22):
trafficking where a person has moved from one place to
another for financial means and then ends up becoming dependent
financially in a situation that they otherwise wouldn't want to
be in, they would not have chosen to put themselves in.
That's as much trafficking and a broad definition as somebody
being kidnapped and forced into sex work.
Speaker 3 (27:42):
Yeah, and even if there is no you know, no
literal violence or abuse, that doesn't mean that it's an
equitable situation, because someone can essentially be a almost a
captive in their own home. Like you said, if they
don't speak the language, they have no advocation, so be
here for themselves or friends to help them and speak
(28:03):
up for them.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
And it's you can see why it gets a bad
rap for sure.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
So on the flip side, though, there have to be
men out there who just struck out consistently with America
or American women or men and took matters into their
own hands and looked abroad. And the best way to
do that is a marriage broker, and there's plenty of
places you can do that. And then also the other
(28:32):
problem with just basically characterizing mallard or brides as nothing
but like victims right for exploitation, is to really miss
the personalities of a lot of them. Where to put
yourself out there is a Maillard or bride shows a
or demonstrates like a lot of initiative compared to just
(28:55):
staying back home and making do with your lot in life.
Like if you're a widow in some countries and you
have kids, you might not be remarriable. There might not
be anybody who wants to marry you, and so you're
doomed to a life of solitude and single motherhood, whether
you like it or not. So if you just say, okay,
well that's my lot in life, that's what I'm doing, Okay, fine.
(29:18):
But if you say, you know what, no, there's another
way out, and it might not be the most tasteful
thing that I would have chosen for myself before, but
I really want to make sure my kids are taken
care of and I'm going to go seek a husband elsewhere.
That shows that demonstrates a lot of self starterness. I
guess that I think kind of undermines a lot of
(29:41):
the view of male ard to brises these kind of
like simple minded, docile women that can't fend for themselves
or stick up for themselves.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
Yeah, and it's also a real slippery slope to judge.
I mean, we all think like, oh, you should only
fall in love with love at first sight, and that
should be all it is, and that should be what
marriage is based on, full stop.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
It's a real slippery slope to.
Speaker 3 (30:12):
Judge someone other's someone else's situation if it's working out
for both of them, if if it is a rich
old guy in his sixties who is like, you know what,
I want to live out the last fifteen years of
my life.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
With a partner.
Speaker 3 (30:26):
And there's a beautiful young Ukrainian woman who's like, you
know what, I've got nothing going on over here. I
don't have a lot of prospects. My country is not,
you know, doing me any favors. And so I'm going
to go over and marry some rich guy and we're
going to be happy for the last fifteen years of
his life. And they travel and they do take cruises
and they have a good time together. Like it's a
(30:48):
real slippery slope for someone to come in and say, well, no,
that's wrong, because you guys just didn't meet and fall
in love like, you know, meeting in a bar drunk
one night like all Americans.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Again and again. That seems to be a long standing
criticism that stretches back at least a century here in
America too, for sure. Okay, so enough of that, Enough
of that, I feel like we should talk about some
of the nuts and bolts of the mail order marriage industry.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
Okay, yeah, let's do it.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Well, let's start. So I found this contemporary journalism from.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
Nineteen eighty six you'r CJ.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Right in the New York Times, and they basically just
checked in with the mail order marriage industry at the time,
and it gave a really good snapshot of how things
used to be. One of the reasons why mail order
brides were called mail order brides, because time was that
you would find a mail order marriage service, you would
subscribe to that service. The New York Times says anywhere
(31:48):
between fifty to five hundred dollars a year, and well
that was for a catalog annual subscribe fifty to five hundred.
And then every month or every couple months, or maybe
twice a month, probably not twice a month, you would
get a catalog that was clearly made by somebody who
didn't major in catalog making in college of pictures of
(32:10):
the of like a prospective bride, her stats, physical stats,
her likes, her dislikes, that kind of thing. Basically a blurb,
and you were you'd flip through a catalog and you'd
get back in touch with the subscription service and say,
I like number eight eight, nine, seven to two, and
I also like thirty seven fifty five, and you just
(32:32):
give them a list of women that you wanted them
to reach out to on your behalf, and all of
a sudden you would start exchanging letters. Little by little
you would narrow down the women that you were talking to,
and then you would eventually probably go over and meet
one and maybe in that trip marry them, like have
(32:53):
your wedding like that the day you meet them or
the day after you met them. And that was pretty
standard for the seven tventies and eighties as far as
mail order goes, and I think into the nineties as well.
Speaker 3 (33:05):
Yeah, and of course it's all online now and depending
on which agency you go through, and like I said,
there are thousands. They offer a range of services to
you know, bleed you of as much money as they
can in the process, whether it's subscription fees, or will
will write your letters first letters for you and translate
them for a fee, or if you want to video
(33:27):
chat or have phone calls, we can arrange that for
a fee. Everything has a fee. I think this one
and this is from an Anti Trafficking International website article.
They said that estimates show people spend about six to
ten thousand dollars. Each client spends about six to ten
(33:49):
thousand dollars, and I think this is for you know
the I guess more high end, more reputable ones. I
think I think some of those places are happy if
they get like five hundred buck out of you and
then you leave.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
Well, I think you can be like a skin flint
husband and just do it strictly online and then go
meet them and marry them. But there are ones that
offer like tours for like five grand, which depending on
the country, may or may not be legal where you like,
if you went to Vietnam, it would be illegal, and
(34:21):
Vietnam mail order marriages the whole industry is illegal, but
it's also rampant there. And there are like whole hotels
that where a woman goes and stays and then tours
of like guys from Taiwan or South Korea or the
United States come through and meet them. And I think
(34:44):
human trafficking people are like and do god knows what
else for money, and if you hit it off with one,
maybe you like start talking to them a little more
or you marry them on the spot, that kind of thing.
But there's like there's tours you can go on, and
depending on your view of the mail order marriage industry,
it's either a tour where you're going and meeting a
(35:06):
lot of prospective brides or it's basically a sex tour
at Vietnam.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
Right, And they also will do things where it's really
hard to not read as a man sort of buying
a woman, where they say like, well, you know, we'll
put them up in this hotel and we'll have them
go checked out by our doctors and our psychologists, the
hob the psychological evaluation, and all of this information will
(35:31):
be sent to you, the man with the money, to
make your decision on whether or not you're going to
sort of.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
Pay for this bride.
Speaker 3 (35:38):
And it's really hard to look at that any other
way than that, like you really got to stretch your mind.
But then you will read a story about a couple
that are deeply in love for twenty years on and
who had kids in American and who had a great
life together, and they were like, no, it was really
more like an international dating service and they just sort
(36:01):
of match maked.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Or matchmated made matched.
Speaker 1 (36:05):
Match maked.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (36:08):
So it's like it's just I don't know if we've
ever had a topic where I was so like, all right,
well this is doesn't sound too bad, and like, oh
my god, this sounds terrible.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
Yeah, I gotcha, Yeah, I can't remember that.
Speaker 3 (36:20):
Maybe the industry, you know, Yeah, I mean I think
it can be both those things.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
Yeah, it makes you yes, and it surely is both
of those things. Again, the question is is one way
more than the other, and if so, which way is
it lopsided? And if so, do we need to like
follow Vietnam's footsteps and outlaw the marriage the mail order
marriage industry. You know what I'm saying. It's like, sure
that that may be a really big red flag, like
why did Vietnam outlaw an entire industry that's totally like
(36:46):
fine and legal here in the United States?
Speaker 2 (36:48):
Right, So should we take a break.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
Yeah, I think we should take a break and we'll
talk about mail order marriages in the Internet age because
things have changed a little bit.
Speaker 3 (36:59):
Yeah, and some of the Lawsah right, right, all right,
we'll be right back.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
All right, really quickly.
Speaker 3 (37:28):
The great article I found that from the Anti Trafficking
International site they did kind of talk a little bit
about what it means for your immigration status and how
because I mentioned earlier that Zug said, you know, who's
really at risk or undocumented immigrants because they have no
recourse but even if you do come over as a
mail order bride. And here's basically what happens. The Immigration
(37:53):
Marriage Fraud Amendment, which was an acted in eighty six
is basically, the husband will apply for a spouse or
a fiance visa and then the bride has to marry
the husband within three months upon arrival in the US.
So there's a three month sort of try it out period.
But the bride only has conditional resident status for two years.
(38:16):
So in that two year period at the end of
which they have to apply jointly for her permanent status
as a resident. In that conditional two year period, that
is the dodgy territory where they're basically like, the bride
is completely dependent on the husband. He holds all the cards.
They're very vulnerable at this point. They may have linguistic
(38:38):
isolation and or cultural isolation. They may not have that
social network that we were talking about, or be completely
economically dependent on the husband, and they might be afraid
that he'll be like, you know what, it's in that
two year frame, I can still have you sent home,
so you better be nice. And this is basically where
(38:58):
they're saying, this is just sort of a a softer
version of trafficking, right, even though and there is real
trafficking attached to this, we're not talking about that. We're
talking about women who do come over voluntarily, but they
still see that as a sort of a softer version
of that.
Speaker 1 (39:13):
So and that power dynamic, and the one where you
mentioned where the men were supplied with all the information
where the mail order bride'shead basically none about the men.
That's changed in the last few years thanks to the
Internet and thanks to things like video chat and texting
and Facebook and Skype, and now women are able just
(39:38):
through the simple tools on the Internet to be much
more discerning and discriminating in the men they choose. It's
not just like I'm going to put myself in a
catalog and cross my fingers. They're putting themselves out there
much more, at least ones that are are members of
legitimate mail order marriage brokerages. Right.
Speaker 3 (39:58):
Yeah, and that was there were very sadly a couple
of high profile murders leading up to the International Marriage
Broker Regulation Act in two thousand and five, and this
is where things really kind of changed as far as
at least trying to help adjust that power dynamic in
that if you are a legitimate brokerage agency, you're required
(40:20):
to provide these women with a lot of information now
about the men, whether or not they're on state or
national sex offender registries, background on their financials. They're given
information on domestic violence and like what that looks like,
you know, and how to go to the police and
(40:41):
stuff like that, and that you can do stuff like that,
arrest history, marital history, residence history if they have kids,
all kinds of stuff now that these agencies have to
provide about the men for the women.
Speaker 1 (40:55):
Yeah, and so people who are like, hey, that's not
that's not cool, man, if you were an American woman
just dating an American man, you wouldn't have access to
that kind of information. That's truly invasive. It is true.
It's also almost basically a straw man argument, because an
American woman is not going to be in the kind
(41:18):
of isolated, completely dependent situation that a male order bride's
going to be, and so the mail order bride needs
a lot more safeguards than just an average American woman
is going to need. So nice try, but that argument
doesn't hold water at all.
Speaker 3 (41:34):
Yeah, I agree, you talked earlier at the beginning about
a lack of data and statistics. They don't even really
know how often this is happening, much less how many
are successful and how many times they end like poorly
or an abuse and things like that. There are a
few numbers out there, I think the.
Speaker 2 (41:56):
How do you pronounce that?
Speaker 1 (41:58):
I want to say to hear he to hear E.
Speaker 3 (42:03):
Justice Center they estimate between eleven thousand and sixteen thousand
women immigrate.
Speaker 2 (42:09):
Each year through a marriage broker.
Speaker 3 (42:11):
The I INS has it more like four to six thousand,
so you kind of can't really tell how much this
is even going on. So it's really hard to you know,
like you said, if you don't have the data. For
nubes like us, it's kind of hard to form a
hard opinion.
Speaker 1 (42:28):
Right, But it's not just nubes like us who don't
have the data, Like, no one has the data, so
it's like, you know, no one can form a hard opinion.
And if in that case, you have to treat it
on like a case by case basis, and like if
you have nothing but anecdotal data or evidence, you can't
just say like, yes, the mail order marriage industry is
(42:50):
just a front for human trafficking and sex trafficking. That's
that is a moral panic that you've just started right there.
So we have to go out and get the data.
But at the same time, that doesn't mean you can't
simultaneously offer support to women who might be suffering from that,
Like what if it turns out to be true, Like, yeah,
it's all just a big front for human trafficking, and
(43:12):
these women need help roll out the red carpet, like
get those services broadcasts, like figure out how to get
them help if they need it, and see if anybody
comes out of the woodwork In the meantime, while you're
conducting those studies to come up with that data. One
way or another, it can't hurt. It's just money, and
that's a pretty good thing to spend money on, if
you ask me.
Speaker 2 (43:30):
Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 3 (43:31):
There are some studies that show spousal abuse rates are
about three times higher. But this is just for immigrant
women married to US husbands. I don't think I think
that includes all immigrantmen. I don't think it's just mail
order situations. So that's data that doesn't exactly help, but
it does shine a light on that power dynamic as
(43:53):
a whole.
Speaker 1 (43:53):
I think, yeah, And I couldn't I couldn't tell that.
Dave mentioned that there were three murder women male order
brides in the United States, I think between twenty ten
and twenty twenty maybe, And if using the high the
high number that the to hear E Justice Center uses
(44:15):
for how many came over every year, you got one
hundred and sixty thousand of them. So three murders out
of one hundred and sixty thousand population is I thin
zero point eighteen percent. But out of all the women,
all the married women in America, it's like sixty four
million married women seventeen two hundred and fifty on average
(44:37):
died but were murdered by their partner in that same time,
which is two point six percent. So I probably got
the math wrong. But if it is right, then that
means you're actually less likely to be murdered by your
husband as a male order bride than you are just
as an American woman who was married in just part
of the general population.
Speaker 2 (44:58):
So that's great, right. I think one of those status
you can't feel good about.
Speaker 1 (45:03):
No, exactly, that's a great That is an excellent point
for sure, Chuck. I mean, I think anybody you're going
for sure, it shines the light that we need to
basically do away with spousal murder. I think we can
all get behind that, right.
Speaker 2 (45:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (45:16):
What it What it does though, again, is it makes
you think, maybe let's concentrate on the real problems, right,
And if that's not, if the male order bride situation
isn't the real problem, then we just and we all
know this, but we have a real domestic violence problem
in this country anyway.
Speaker 1 (45:33):
Yeah, it's the same thing. What was the last one
we talked about, Oh, the stranger danger where it was like, oh, no, actually,
your cousin is going to like rape and murder you
way more frequently than just some strangers. But let's all
concentrate on the stranger. Right, your spouse is possibly going
to murder you, but let's ignore that and concentrate on
male order brides being murdered instead, even if it's just
(45:55):
a much less of a chance. Like that's the it's
the definition of a moral panic, and you got to
sort those out because they obfuscate important things.
Speaker 3 (46:06):
Yeah, and you know, at the beginning of the episode
you mentioned LGBTQ rights. That's why we call it male
order marriages now because in twenty thirteen, with the Supreme
Court striking down parts of the defensive Marriage Act it allowed.
And there has been a, you know, since then, a
sort of a big time rise in LGBTQ people doing
(46:29):
the exact same thing. And a lot of times these
people in other countries are literally fleeing for their life
because they have no rights in their own country as
a person from that community. So that's one of those
where you look at and you're like, they could literally
be saving someone's life by getting them out of their
country over here.
Speaker 1 (46:47):
Yep, that's right.
Speaker 2 (46:49):
And men do it too.
Speaker 3 (46:50):
I saw there was a I was curious about male
order husbands and if that was even a thing. And
apparently Ireland in recent years has got some of this
going on, where these irishmen are putting themselves out there
and saying, hey, I'm a strapping young Irishman and I'm
happy to come marry you and live in your country.
Speaker 1 (47:11):
Very nice.
Speaker 2 (47:11):
It's a thing in Ireland. Did not know that.
Speaker 1 (47:13):
I had no idea either, but leave it to Ireland
to just try something new. So good for you, Ireland,
good for you. You got anything else on mail order marriages?
Speaker 2 (47:24):
I got nothing else.
Speaker 3 (47:25):
I can take off of my roller skates now this
one was it.
Speaker 2 (47:29):
Was danger at every turn.
Speaker 1 (47:30):
I thought you did great. I thought we did great.
It's good. I'm pretty sure. Oh god, I hope so well.
If you want to know more about mail order marriages,
go check it out and see what you think for yourself.
Don't take our words for it. And since I said
don't take our words for it, it's time for listener mail.
Speaker 2 (47:50):
Listener mail.
Speaker 3 (47:50):
This is a sad case, so a bit of a
trigger warning here, especially if you've lost a family member
to COVID. But I had it back and forth with
this gentleman, and he really felt strongly about reading this
on the air in the name of getting people vaccinated. Hey, guys,
haven't written in quite some time. Been listening since two
thousand and eight. You've been around for so many personal milestones,
(48:13):
even though we've never met, even though I did ask
you the best question ever at your live show in Phoenix.
My father taught me how to play guitar. I've been
playing for nearly thirty years because of his influence. There's
never been a question of Gibson or Fender in my family.
It's always been clear where a Fender family. He played
a strat and I played a telly last This last Tuesday,
(48:36):
I said goodbye to my father. COVID had done its
job and completely overtaken his body.
Speaker 2 (48:42):
After he passed.
Speaker 3 (48:42):
Later that day, I went into my truck and took
a few minutes and decided I needed some Josh and
Chuck to get my mind off of things. And I
was absolutely shocked. On that day Leo Fender and Les
Paul came through in my feed. My father and I
did not have anything we bonded over more than our
love of music and play guitar, an affinity for Fender,
and a dislike of all things Gibson. Sorry, Chuck, there
(49:05):
could not have been more perfect topic to help me
through one of the hardest days of my life. I
look forward to someday when I might be able to
shake your hands after a good hand washing and sanitization,
and just thank you for being with me through so
many good days in so many bad days.
Speaker 2 (49:19):
And he included a song that he gave his father
that he wrote for him.
Speaker 3 (49:23):
It's great and this is from Eddie, and Eddie said,
please read this on the air. He said, my mother
decided to get vaccinated because of this, and they were
not vaccinated and he said, just please send the message
out to people that it can happen to you and
your family, and just go out there and get that
(49:44):
vaccination already.
Speaker 1 (49:45):
Thanks for that, Eddie, and definitely our condolences on your
father's passing. I'm really sorry to hear that, but I'm
glad we could bring you a little measure of comfort
at a terrible time. So thank you for letting us
a bit about that, and also thank you for telling
everybody get vaccinated, because it's a pretty good thing to
use your position for. So I think, like Eddy said,
go get vaccinated. Yeah, we said it, Go get vaccinated.
Speaker 2 (50:10):
Okay, okay, agreed.
Speaker 1 (50:11):
And in the meantime, if you want to get in
touch with us, you can send us an email. The
Stuff podcast at iHeartRadio dot com.
Speaker 2 (50:21):
Stuff you Should Know is a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 3 (50:24):
For more podcasts my heart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
You may not know this, but the original purpose of
Stuff you Should Know was to change people's minds about
male order marriages, and we certainly did with this episode.
We were so successful that we decided to keep the
podcast going. I'm just kidding for those of our listeners
who have trouble detecting that kind of thing. What is
true is that it's a surprisingly interesting episode and it
(00:23):
may very well change your mind about male order marriages.
I was serious, just not for those of our listeners
who always think I'm kidding. How about we all just
enjoy this episode? Shall we?
Speaker 2 (00:38):
Welcome to Stuff you Should Know, a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Hey, and welcome to the podcast. I'm Josh, and there's
Chuck and Jerry's here too, and this is Stuff you
should Know about male order marriages.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Murky Waters.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Yeah, really, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:04):
This is one of those where.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
We researched and researched and read and read, and I
think it's one of those deals for me that's like
and this is just my opening statement where it can
be a positive thing, like a dating service in some ways,
(01:27):
but there is certainly a darker side to the whole situation.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
I already know how you feel about it, and I
feel like it's coming through clearly.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
Yeah, I mean, it's just it's very It's one of
those really murky things where sometimes you hear these really
great stories about people that do find are looking for
love and find love with someone from another country and
it works out for everybody. And then sometimes you hear
about stories where it's sort of what the National Organization
for Women's sonya Asario calls a softer version of human trafficking.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Or even worse, occasionally someone turns up murdered.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Yeah, I mean, that's the truest dark side. So that's
just me level setting and we can talk about the good,
the bad, and the ugly.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
I think that was a great level saying. I generally
agree with it. But for me, the jury is still
out in thinking about it as a whole because there's
so little hard data on this stuff. Yeah, almost everything
is anecdotal, true, and when like you condemned something based
on anecdotal data, what you've got there as a moral panic,
not necessarily something in reality. So I'm a little hesitant
(02:41):
to go all the way. The jury's still out for me,
but I definitely recognize the same stuff you do. For sure.
It's definitely there. It exists, it's just for me. The
question is how much does it exist and does the
good outweigh the bad? And I don't know. So yeah,
we should probably like actually define what we're talking about here,
because most people, I would guests are familiar with mail
(03:01):
order brides. They're more recently they've come to be called
mail order marriages because they've been extended to same sex
couples in the United States. But then also like even
more generally, it's called international marriage brokerage.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
Right, yeah, I mean there's a full industry built around this,
with thousands of websites and agencies that are brokering these marriages.
And you know, from looking into it, it seems like
there are some really above board ones that kind of
act like an international dating surface in some ways where
(03:40):
they group, you know, match like people together. And then
it seems like there are a lot of really sketchy
ones that charge people a ton of money and aren't
looking out for the men or the women.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
And I know that money is sunk back into making
their website look at all nonclude.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
I saw some really really bad websites, I mean so.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
Bad, man like comic Sands at one.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
Point Yeah, it's hard to see those and not think, well, A,
this is a scam or B this is a front
for some sort of CD trafficking operation.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Right, Yeah, it is tough not to think like that.
But but what we are talking about generally is a
marriage where the husband and the wife are generally unknown
to each other. Maybe have met once, but if they did,
it's possible it was just a day or two before.
(04:37):
Or maybe they've met once or twice and have done
some correspondence back and forth for an extended period of time.
But that's pretty new. And the classical definition it's they're
generally unknown to one another, and one of them, usually
the bride travels a very long distance from home to
move to the husband's home and make a life there
(05:00):
and be married. That's not the Webster's definition. There's a
lot more stumbling in my definition, but I think that
generally gets it across.
Speaker 3 (05:09):
Yeah, and you know, the kind of the classic thing
that you think of is lonely American man who has
a little bit of money in his forties or fifties,
can't find American woman and ends up getting a young, beautiful,
young Ukrainian woman who doesn't speak much English. And would
love to live in the United States and fall in
(05:33):
love with an American man and that sort of And
you know, of course it happens from all countries, but
a lot of times you think of Russia and the
Ukraine or maybe in Southeast Asia or something like that.
That is sort of I feel like when people say
that term, most people, that's probably what pops into their head.
Speaker 1 (05:50):
Yeah, or I think you're being rather generous. I think
a lot of people would be like, you know, some
sad sack who can't like find a woman in America
has to go look elsewhere to get really judge about it,
and I think people are really judging about male order marriages.
I think there's a long standing tradition in the United
States of considering people who who go outside the traditional
(06:12):
channels of marriage and basically take it into their own hands,
like through male order marriage are they're very much judged
harshly and criticized, maybe fairly, maybe not. But I think
there's another component too, especially these days, is that the
men who who are looking for women for male order
brides are also dominant, domineering, possibly abusive, and they're looking
(06:36):
for docile women who will do whatever they say, because
they're the husband, so they have to go to other
cultures where that might be more prevalent and where they
can select from women who might respond to that kind
of thing a lot better than an American woman who
wouldn't put up with his guf. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:54):
I mean that is certainly a part of what happens sometimes,
and some of these agencies promote that the submissive nature.
There was one that literally said that these young women
are quote unspoiled by feminism, and you have potential homemaking
savings of one hundred and fifty dollars a week because
you're essentially getting a you know, sort of a living
(07:15):
domestic servant.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Good lord.
Speaker 3 (07:16):
So you know, that's the underbelly and the dark side.
But we you know, I did find some that do
seem very above board and people that do genuinely look
like they're looking for love and have struck out at
home so they're looking elsewhere.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Yeah, so I said, Chuck, And we should also say
one other thing too, Like, you know, it's pretty like
it's a pretty well known thing in America. It's not
like on everybody's lips. You don't hear it in every
monologue on the Late night talk shows or anything like that.
But like, generally people in America are familiar and know
about male order marriages, but it turns out it's even
(07:52):
bigger in other countries like Taiwan and South Korea have
huge male order marriage industries that may even dwarf the
United States. And it's pretty I don't want to say
it's huge in the United States, but it's not like
just some small speck of sliver of like an arcane
group of people. Like it's bigger than you'd think, but
it's even bigger in some other Asian countries as well.
Speaker 3 (08:14):
Yeah, And Dave Ruse helped us put this together, and
this was a tough assignment for him, but he used
a lot of information from a book by a legal
professor originally from University of South Carolina named Marsha Zugg
called Buying a Bride insert colon music Jerry, an Engaging
(08:36):
History of mail order Matches, where it seems like she
gives a you know, a fair but fairly full throated
defense of its history through the ages as far as
and we'll get into this, but as far as an
opportunity for a lot of women to gain more agency
and to gain more rights at a time when they
(08:56):
might not have any, all the way up through today,
where she still defends it to a certain degree and says,
you know, like, sure, these situations can be bad, but
what's really bad is what undocumented immigrants have to suffer
through in this country because they have no legal rights.
(09:16):
They can't go to the police, they can't leave their
spouse or their partner for fear of deportation. And it's
an interesting take, I think, and I'm glad that Dave
found this book, you know, because I'm not sure that
I would have been as fair.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Yeah, yeah, no, she definitely almost I get the impression
that she is defensive on behalf of the industry just
because of how mistreated it's been, in her opinion, unfairly
in large part.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
Yeah, because you know, I think it very much has
an anti feminist rap for good reason. But she does
make some compelling arguments that throughout history it wasn't that
way at all, And I guess we can go ahead
and dive into some of that. In the early days
of male order marriages in the American colonies, there was
a lack of women problem in the early colonies.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
I mean, like the earliest colonies. We're talking like James
Town here.
Speaker 3 (10:13):
Yeah, like you know, the Puritans and Pilgrims, they may
have come over with their families, but there are a
lot of single men that came over, and a lot
of them some of them may like run off with
an indigenous woman and live with among her tribe and
be like, you know what, I'm kind of done building
things for Jamestown. I'm out of here. So that's no
(10:34):
good if they're looking for young men to like kind
of help build up these young colonies. And then other
ones were just lonely and said, hey, like there are
no women over here, what are we supposed to do?
So very early on they started sort of advertising and
bringing women, you know, supposedly volunteers over who wanted to
(10:58):
come to the colonies and sort of have maybe even
more rights than they had back home.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Yeah, And this is a really good example of kind
of like a thread that ran through the first couple
centuries of America's founding, which was government sanctioned and supported
mail order marriages in order to help build more stable communities. Right,
So the legislatures did things like create laws that made
(11:27):
it more attractive for a woman to become a male
order bride in this area, Like apparently in England, if
you became a widow you got a third of the
estate and that was it. And in places like Virginia
and I think Maryland as well, they set up laws
that basically said, hey, you're going to keep a lot
more than that, you can run your own business afterward,
(11:48):
like being a widow's going to rock And did we
mention also the men are dropping deadlight flies over here,
so yeah, your husband's probably going to die pretty quick.
So if you don't like them, who cares. You still
get to keep all this inheritance and you get to
keep the business and you can't do quite that well
for yourself in those circumstances back in England. So that
attracted people. And that was like the government saying like,
(12:11):
please come over here and marry these strangers that you've
never met before.
Speaker 3 (12:15):
Yeah, and you know, it made sense for a lot
of these young women because many of them were you know,
they were from like the servant class, let's say, so
they were looking at years of servitude in England and
then they basically were like, well, hey, forget all that,
why don't you just come over here, get married and
like you said, I think the status even one in
(12:35):
three marriages lasted ten years.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
Yeah, so they.
Speaker 3 (12:38):
Did kind of sell them on the fact that, yeah,
it's not so great, you'll probably be dead soon enough.
Speaker 2 (12:44):
Yeah, and then you can have his stuff.
Speaker 1 (12:46):
Yeah. And it actually, I mean like that actually did
like attract some women. I think, at least I don't
know if we have the number, but there definitely were
what they called tobacco wives who came to marry new
tobacco planters who were setting up their own fortune. And
I actually had to prove that they were of financial
(13:07):
means by donating one hundred and fifty pounds of gold
leaf tobacco to the Virginia Company to take part in
this right. And so that lasted as long as it lasted,
or as long as it needed to. And as the
Eastern colonies started to like become more self sufficient, became
less rowdy, became more family oriented as far as the
(13:28):
Europeans were concerned, the need for like those mail order
schemes kind of went away. But then as America kind
of expanded further and further west, the frontier kept recreating
itself in different places. So you know, it went from
the eastern colonies to you know, along the Mississippi, and
(13:51):
then further and further out west. And every time it
did that, this new iteration of the frontier was settled
by rowdy men, and they would have to figure out
a way to get women to attract women to come
out to marry the rowdy men so they would stop
beating each other up in bar fights and become more
productive citizens. And that kept going on throughout the eighteenth
(14:11):
and nineteenth centuries in the United States.
Speaker 3 (14:14):
Yeah, and you know, if you're already thinking, guys, this,
this already sounds terrible, these marriages based on these financial arrangements. Yeah,
and you know, despite these promises of a better life,
like that's kind of what we're talking about, like welcome
to marriage in the seventeenth and eighteenth century.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
Yeah, don't be so naive.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Yeah, that's not that's kind of what it was.
Speaker 3 (14:36):
And they've made a good point, like the notion of
marrying for true love, that's a very much like a
twentieth century proposition. Yeah, even if it wasn't a male
order bride situation, it was someone's dowry or parents sort
of arranging marriages and saying these family this family should
marry this family, which still goes on today. I should
(14:57):
point out among like the blue chip in the high Societ,
like and Arthur had to marry Susan.
Speaker 2 (15:03):
You know, let's not forget that.
Speaker 1 (15:05):
Everybody with a Habsburg jaw was an arranged marriage.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
He could marry Liza Minelly.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
I didn't realize you were making the movie reference. I
thought you were thought Arthur and Susan. I thought you
were using like Biff and Muffy, like generally Arthur and Okay, yeah, yeah,
I got it. Now I got it.
Speaker 3 (15:26):
But the point is is that marriage was a financial
arrangement many in most times back then. I'm not saying
no one ever married because they were in love. I'm
sure that happened, uh, but it had to take a
lot of boxes back then.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
So it was just sort of the way it was.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
And so this solved problems for early settlers and for
westward expanders. They made things really attractive in California for women.
They made it easier to divorce your husband if you
wanted to. They made it easier to or just legal
to own and sell, buy and sell land, which is
not something you could do at other places in the country.
(16:02):
So they were trying to make it an attractive situation
for women to move west because they needed men and
women out there. And I think the between eighteen fifty
and eighteen sixty, the population of women in California increased
from three percent to nineteen percent of the total population.
Speaker 2 (16:22):
So it was working, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:24):
It was. And it wasn't just California, but Washington State
also participated. I think Oregon may have as well. And
there would be these schemes and I don't mean scheme
like you know, like dastardly scheme, but like a.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Plant good scheme.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
Yeah, where like a guy would go around to the
bachelors out in like Washington Territory and be like, give
me a one hundred bucks or I think three hundred bucks,
which is about five grand today, and I will bring
you a suitable wife. And at least one guy did this.
Asa Mercer was a marriage broke and he would go
(17:01):
back east say hey, there's like this great booming economy
out west, why don't you come with me, And like
he would return with like one hundred women and some
of them would get married immediately, some would wait. But
it was like another It was another thing where there
was a need for women to stabilize it out of
control male population.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (17:22):
And you know, Zug points out very fairly in her
book that some of these Mercer girls from as they
were called, from ace of Mercer's operation, became abolitionists, some
became women's rights advocates and social reformers. One of them's
name was this great name, Mihitable Haskell Elder, and she
(17:42):
organized the eighteen seventy one Women's Rights Conference in Olympia, Washington,
and recruited one Susan B. Anthony as the territory delegate
for the National Women's Suffrage Association convention. So, you know,
in a lot of cases, these women did find agency
and they did get out of a better situation than
(18:03):
they were in back east.
Speaker 1 (18:04):
Hey, So you want to take a break and then
we'll talk about the probably what was the real birth
of mail order marriages? Sure, Okay, we'll be right back,
(18:35):
all right, Chuck. So we've been talking to this point
about basically like government sanctioned schemes to kind of stabilize
male populations. There was also at the same time, beginning
in the nineteenth century, I think starting in England actually
in the eighteenth century, that was kind of simultaneously unfolding.
And that was the matrimonial advertisement industry, which to me
(18:59):
is like the real birth of the mail order marriage
industry that we understand today. But it was basically the
personal ads.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
Yeah, it was the birth of personal ads, the birth
of dating services. It's really interesting in that women would
put ads in London and then later on in the
United States, ads in the paper basically saying, you know, hi,
this is who I am, this is what I'm looking for.
I mean, much like you would see these days in
like a dating profile. And it was a way for
(19:30):
them to, you know, to take some agency over avoiding
the arranged marriage that their parents had set up for him,
and maybe get a little bit of choice of suitors.
Speaker 1 (19:39):
Right, And I mean like that is like taking control
of your own of your own marriage prospects. And it
was I guess radical is probably a pretty good word.
But it picked up. It caught on, especially in the
US by the end of the nineteenth century, it really
started to catch on to where they were like magazines
(20:00):
that were like dedicated just to matrimonial advertisements. Right. Yeah,
Like there was the Matrimonial News, which is actually the
most straight ahead of all of them.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
Yeah, I like Cupid's Messenger. That sounds like a cute one.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
What about Heart and Hand, Heart.
Speaker 3 (20:18):
In Hand, and then to me this one, I guess
they were just trying to play it really safe, the
standard correspondence club.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Right, good day to you, right exactly.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
So yeah, so these things were like kind of popular
by the end of the nineteenth century. But then it's
like you said earlier, by the end of the nineteenth
century the beginning of the twentieth century, our ideas about
what constituted marriage or the reasons for marriage had transitioned
from financial arrangements into love in America, right, And so
there was simultaneously a popularity of matrimonial advertisements and people
(20:53):
taking control of their own marriage prospects, and at the
same time a criticism and a society generally looking down
upon people who did that kind of thing. So there
would be stories in the paper of people like sad
sack bachelors or lonely heart widows getting conned or swindled
(21:15):
or getting fool catfished basically is what you'd call it today.
And people love to read that kind of stuff and
laugh at their misfortune and look down on these people.
And that's where like the root of what people still
do today to the mail order marriage industry, at least
in America, really finds its roots in the twentieth century.
Speaker 3 (21:37):
Yeah, and this is when things started transitioning to overseas,
when American men started bringing in women from foreign countries,
and that's when I think that's when it became a
bit more of an industry. And this is when Congress
got kind of full on racist and trying to control
(21:57):
this thing because there was you know, there were women saying,
I don't want these women coming into our country and
disrupting our feminist agenda that we're trying to push. There
were men saying, we don't want this people from China
or Japan coming in here, and you know, they can
(22:18):
have babies once a year, and they like there were
senators literally saying these things. Yeah, and so they would
enact laws like, you know, we're going to be overrun basically,
So they would enact laws like the Chinese Exclusion Act
of eighteen eighty two to ban Chinese immigration. There was
a loophole for Japan with a nineteen oh seven Gentlemen's
(22:39):
Agreement which basically said, I you that a Japanese woman
and their kids could come over if they were married.
So there were Japanese single men already in the United
States that immigrated over here that would get married sight
unseen from like a catalog basically in order to gain
immigration status for the Japanese women.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
That ultimately got shut down in nineteen twenty four with
the Immigration Act and they just said no Japanese immigration
of any kind now after that. So there was a
huge anti Asian thread from the late nineteenth century in
the early twentieth century based on immigration, and a lot
of that kind of centered on mail order marriages. But
(23:21):
then one of the other things that really kind of
cropped up as a result of male order marriages going
from like women back East or women coming from Europe,
to women coming from Asia to marry white American men.
There was this idea that the women were nothing more
than like looking for a green cart basically American citizenship,
(23:46):
trying to escape their own country. And you run into
that criticism today, I mean just as much as you
would have back in nineteen twenty four when they passed
the Immigration Act against Japanese people.
Speaker 3 (23:58):
Oh yeah, because you know, and this is from Zug's book.
She talks about you know, Mexican women, Greek women, Asian women,
Jewish women, Italian women, they were much more likely to
be deported under an LPC charge, which is a person
that is likely to become a public charge, basically like
to come over and sort of live off the government.
(24:22):
If they were from these countries. In a way around
that was to get married and get that green card.
So that criticism came pretty straight away, I think, right.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
And then the other one is that they were basically
all just sex workers in disguise, coming over under the
guise of being mail order brides, but really they were
coming over here to prostitute themselves and behave immrally. And again,
this is another accusation that you see today, except the
(24:51):
onuss or the focus the empathy, I guess has evolved
from being put on society being attacked by these immoral
women to the women themselves being trafficked by international criminals.
But it's still generally the same accusation. It's just been
it's just altered itself some you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (25:14):
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, And you know that sort of anti
feminist charge from American women saying that you know, these
women from other countries are coming over here and they
do whatever their husbands tell them, and this is setting
us back.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
They would say the same thing though, about war brides.
Speaker 3 (25:32):
If you are a soldier in Korea or Vietnam and
brought a woman back over, they would have that same
kind of charge levied against them, saying, the only reason
you're bringing these women back is because of the power
and balance that is now gained. And you know that
can be fair to a certain degree. There's a lot
there is. It's really hard to talk about marriage like
(25:57):
this without talking about inequity and a power imbalance from
the beginning. Not to say that that doesn't change and
that there aren't great success stories where both partners are
equal and they both contribute and they both respect one
another's viewpoints.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
But anytime you are.
Speaker 3 (26:21):
In a situation where you are bringing someone over from
another country that is escaping a bad situation and looking
for a more prosperous situation and you can provide that
and you are paying the money to the service for
linking you, there's a power imbalance there from the beginning.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
Yeah, well, there's a power imbalance in that. Like you
probably don't speak the language as the mail order bride
you don't have any friends, you don't have any family,
you don't have any social structure to depend on. The
only person you have to depend on is your husband. Right,
he's not very nice to you, or even worse abusive
towards you, you're in big trouble. And then it's also,
like you said, if you are escaping poverty back home,
(26:58):
you might show up with basically no money. And so
if you just found out that this guy is not
always cracked up to be, or he is abusive, or
he's actually got a terrible criminal record or terrible credit
or all sorts of stuff that you wouldn't have otherwise
come over for, you're stuck here. And according to some
human trafficking groups, that is a broad definition of human
(27:22):
trafficking where a person has moved from one place to
another for financial means and then ends up becoming dependent
financially in a situation that they otherwise wouldn't want to
be in, they would not have chosen to put themselves in.
That's as much trafficking and a broad definition as somebody
being kidnapped and forced into sex work.
Speaker 3 (27:42):
Yeah, and even if there is no you know, no
literal violence or abuse, that doesn't mean that it's an
equitable situation, because someone can essentially be a almost a
captive in their own home. Like you said, if they
don't speak the language, they have no advocation, so be
here for themselves or friends to help them and speak
(28:03):
up for them.
Speaker 2 (28:04):
And it's you can see why it gets a bad
rap for sure.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
So on the flip side, though, there have to be
men out there who just struck out consistently with America
or American women or men and took matters into their
own hands and looked abroad. And the best way to
do that is a marriage broker, and there's plenty of
places you can do that. And then also the other
(28:32):
problem with just basically characterizing mallard or brides as nothing
but like victims right for exploitation, is to really miss
the personalities of a lot of them. Where to put
yourself out there is a Maillard or bride shows a
or demonstrates like a lot of initiative compared to just
(28:55):
staying back home and making do with your lot in life.
Like if you're a widow in some countries and you
have kids, you might not be remarriable. There might not
be anybody who wants to marry you, and so you're
doomed to a life of solitude and single motherhood, whether
you like it or not. So if you just say, okay,
well that's my lot in life, that's what I'm doing, Okay, fine.
(29:18):
But if you say, you know what, no, there's another
way out, and it might not be the most tasteful
thing that I would have chosen for myself before, but
I really want to make sure my kids are taken
care of and I'm going to go seek a husband elsewhere.
That shows that demonstrates a lot of self starterness. I
guess that I think kind of undermines a lot of
(29:41):
the view of male ard to brises these kind of
like simple minded, docile women that can't fend for themselves
or stick up for themselves.
Speaker 3 (29:53):
Yeah, and it's also a real slippery slope to judge.
I mean, we all think like, oh, you should only
fall in love with love at first sight, and that
should be all it is, and that should be what
marriage is based on, full stop.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
It's a real slippery slope to.
Speaker 3 (30:12):
Judge someone other's someone else's situation if it's working out
for both of them, if if it is a rich
old guy in his sixties who is like, you know what,
I want to live out the last fifteen years of
my life.
Speaker 2 (30:25):
With a partner.
Speaker 3 (30:26):
And there's a beautiful young Ukrainian woman who's like, you
know what, I've got nothing going on over here. I
don't have a lot of prospects. My country is not,
you know, doing me any favors. And so I'm going
to go over and marry some rich guy and we're
going to be happy for the last fifteen years of
his life. And they travel and they do take cruises
and they have a good time together. Like it's a
(30:48):
real slippery slope for someone to come in and say, well, no,
that's wrong, because you guys just didn't meet and fall
in love like, you know, meeting in a bar drunk
one night like all Americans.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Again and again. That seems to be a long standing
criticism that stretches back at least a century here in
America too, for sure. Okay, so enough of that, Enough
of that, I feel like we should talk about some
of the nuts and bolts of the mail order marriage industry.
Speaker 2 (31:15):
Okay, yeah, let's do it.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Well, let's start. So I found this contemporary journalism from.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
Nineteen eighty six you'r CJ.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Right in the New York Times, and they basically just
checked in with the mail order marriage industry at the time,
and it gave a really good snapshot of how things
used to be. One of the reasons why mail order
brides were called mail order brides, because time was that
you would find a mail order marriage service, you would
subscribe to that service. The New York Times says anywhere
(31:48):
between fifty to five hundred dollars a year, and well
that was for a catalog annual subscribe fifty to five hundred.
And then every month or every couple months, or maybe
twice a month, probably not twice a month, you would
get a catalog that was clearly made by somebody who
didn't major in catalog making in college of pictures of
(32:10):
the of like a prospective bride, her stats, physical stats,
her likes, her dislikes, that kind of thing. Basically a blurb,
and you were you'd flip through a catalog and you'd
get back in touch with the subscription service and say,
I like number eight eight, nine, seven to two, and
I also like thirty seven fifty five, and you just
(32:32):
give them a list of women that you wanted them
to reach out to on your behalf, and all of
a sudden you would start exchanging letters. Little by little
you would narrow down the women that you were talking to,
and then you would eventually probably go over and meet
one and maybe in that trip marry them, like have
(32:53):
your wedding like that the day you meet them or
the day after you met them. And that was pretty
standard for the seven tventies and eighties as far as
mail order goes, and I think into the nineties as well.
Speaker 3 (33:05):
Yeah, and of course it's all online now and depending
on which agency you go through, and like I said,
there are thousands. They offer a range of services to
you know, bleed you of as much money as they
can in the process, whether it's subscription fees, or will
will write your letters first letters for you and translate
them for a fee, or if you want to video
(33:27):
chat or have phone calls, we can arrange that for
a fee. Everything has a fee. I think this one
and this is from an Anti Trafficking International website article.
They said that estimates show people spend about six to
ten thousand dollars. Each client spends about six to ten
(33:49):
thousand dollars, and I think this is for you know
the I guess more high end, more reputable ones. I
think I think some of those places are happy if
they get like five hundred buck out of you and
then you leave.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
Well, I think you can be like a skin flint
husband and just do it strictly online and then go
meet them and marry them. But there are ones that
offer like tours for like five grand, which depending on
the country, may or may not be legal where you like,
if you went to Vietnam, it would be illegal, and
(34:21):
Vietnam mail order marriages the whole industry is illegal, but
it's also rampant there. And there are like whole hotels
that where a woman goes and stays and then tours
of like guys from Taiwan or South Korea or the
United States come through and meet them. And I think
(34:44):
human trafficking people are like and do god knows what
else for money, and if you hit it off with one,
maybe you like start talking to them a little more
or you marry them on the spot, that kind of thing.
But there's like there's tours you can go on, and
depending on your view of the mail order marriage industry,
it's either a tour where you're going and meeting a
(35:06):
lot of prospective brides or it's basically a sex tour
at Vietnam.
Speaker 3 (35:11):
Right, And they also will do things where it's really
hard to not read as a man sort of buying
a woman, where they say like, well, you know, we'll
put them up in this hotel and we'll have them
go checked out by our doctors and our psychologists, the
hob the psychological evaluation, and all of this information will
(35:31):
be sent to you, the man with the money, to
make your decision on whether or not you're going to
sort of.
Speaker 2 (35:37):
Pay for this bride.
Speaker 3 (35:38):
And it's really hard to look at that any other
way than that, like you really got to stretch your mind.
But then you will read a story about a couple
that are deeply in love for twenty years on and
who had kids in American and who had a great
life together, and they were like, no, it was really
more like an international dating service and they just sort
(36:01):
of match maked.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Or matchmated made matched.
Speaker 1 (36:05):
Match maked.
Speaker 2 (36:07):
I love it.
Speaker 3 (36:08):
So it's like it's just I don't know if we've
ever had a topic where I was so like, all right,
well this is doesn't sound too bad, and like, oh
my god, this sounds terrible.
Speaker 1 (36:17):
Yeah, I gotcha, Yeah, I can't remember that.
Speaker 3 (36:20):
Maybe the industry, you know, Yeah, I mean I think
it can be both those things.
Speaker 1 (36:24):
Yeah, it makes you yes, and it surely is both
of those things. Again, the question is is one way
more than the other, and if so, which way is
it lopsided? And if so, do we need to like
follow Vietnam's footsteps and outlaw the marriage the mail order
marriage industry. You know what I'm saying. It's like, sure
that that may be a really big red flag, like
why did Vietnam outlaw an entire industry that's totally like
(36:46):
fine and legal here in the United States?
Speaker 2 (36:48):
Right, So should we take a break.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
Yeah, I think we should take a break and we'll
talk about mail order marriages in the Internet age because
things have changed a little bit.
Speaker 3 (36:59):
Yeah, and some of the Lawsah right, right, all right,
we'll be right back.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
All right, really quickly.
Speaker 3 (37:28):
The great article I found that from the Anti Trafficking
International site they did kind of talk a little bit
about what it means for your immigration status and how
because I mentioned earlier that Zug said, you know, who's
really at risk or undocumented immigrants because they have no
recourse but even if you do come over as a
mail order bride. And here's basically what happens. The Immigration
(37:53):
Marriage Fraud Amendment, which was an acted in eighty six
is basically, the husband will apply for a spouse or
a fiance visa and then the bride has to marry
the husband within three months upon arrival in the US.
So there's a three month sort of try it out period.
But the bride only has conditional resident status for two years.
(38:16):
So in that two year period at the end of
which they have to apply jointly for her permanent status
as a resident. In that conditional two year period, that
is the dodgy territory where they're basically like, the bride
is completely dependent on the husband. He holds all the cards.
They're very vulnerable at this point. They may have linguistic
(38:38):
isolation and or cultural isolation. They may not have that
social network that we were talking about, or be completely
economically dependent on the husband, and they might be afraid
that he'll be like, you know what, it's in that
two year frame, I can still have you sent home,
so you better be nice. And this is basically where
(38:58):
they're saying, this is just sort of a a softer
version of trafficking, right, even though and there is real
trafficking attached to this, we're not talking about that. We're
talking about women who do come over voluntarily, but they
still see that as a sort of a softer version
of that.
Speaker 1 (39:13):
So and that power dynamic, and the one where you
mentioned where the men were supplied with all the information
where the mail order bride'shead basically none about the men.
That's changed in the last few years thanks to the
Internet and thanks to things like video chat and texting
and Facebook and Skype, and now women are able just
(39:38):
through the simple tools on the Internet to be much
more discerning and discriminating in the men they choose. It's
not just like I'm going to put myself in a
catalog and cross my fingers. They're putting themselves out there
much more, at least ones that are are members of
legitimate mail order marriage brokerages. Right.
Speaker 3 (39:58):
Yeah, and that was there were very sadly a couple
of high profile murders leading up to the International Marriage
Broker Regulation Act in two thousand and five, and this
is where things really kind of changed as far as
at least trying to help adjust that power dynamic in
that if you are a legitimate brokerage agency, you're required
(40:20):
to provide these women with a lot of information now
about the men, whether or not they're on state or
national sex offender registries, background on their financials. They're given
information on domestic violence and like what that looks like,
you know, and how to go to the police and
(40:41):
stuff like that, and that you can do stuff like that,
arrest history, marital history, residence history if they have kids,
all kinds of stuff now that these agencies have to
provide about the men for the women.
Speaker 1 (40:55):
Yeah, and so people who are like, hey, that's not
that's not cool, man, if you were an American woman
just dating an American man, you wouldn't have access to
that kind of information. That's truly invasive. It is true.
It's also almost basically a straw man argument, because an
American woman is not going to be in the kind
(41:18):
of isolated, completely dependent situation that a male order bride's
going to be, and so the mail order bride needs
a lot more safeguards than just an average American woman
is going to need. So nice try, but that argument
doesn't hold water at all.
Speaker 3 (41:34):
Yeah, I agree, you talked earlier at the beginning about
a lack of data and statistics. They don't even really
know how often this is happening, much less how many
are successful and how many times they end like poorly
or an abuse and things like that. There are a
few numbers out there, I think the.
Speaker 2 (41:56):
How do you pronounce that?
Speaker 1 (41:58):
I want to say to hear he to hear E.
Speaker 3 (42:03):
Justice Center they estimate between eleven thousand and sixteen thousand
women immigrate.
Speaker 2 (42:09):
Each year through a marriage broker.
Speaker 3 (42:11):
The I INS has it more like four to six thousand,
so you kind of can't really tell how much this
is even going on. So it's really hard to you know,
like you said, if you don't have the data. For
nubes like us, it's kind of hard to form a
hard opinion.
Speaker 1 (42:28):
Right, But it's not just nubes like us who don't
have the data, Like, no one has the data, so
it's like, you know, no one can form a hard opinion.
And if in that case, you have to treat it
on like a case by case basis, and like if
you have nothing but anecdotal data or evidence, you can't
just say like, yes, the mail order marriage industry is
(42:50):
just a front for human trafficking and sex trafficking. That's
that is a moral panic that you've just started right there.
So we have to go out and get the data.
But at the same time, that doesn't mean you can't
simultaneously offer support to women who might be suffering from that,
Like what if it turns out to be true, Like, yeah,
it's all just a big front for human trafficking, and
(43:12):
these women need help roll out the red carpet, like
get those services broadcasts, like figure out how to get
them help if they need it, and see if anybody
comes out of the woodwork In the meantime, while you're
conducting those studies to come up with that data. One
way or another, it can't hurt. It's just money, and
that's a pretty good thing to spend money on, if
you ask me.
Speaker 2 (43:30):
Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 3 (43:31):
There are some studies that show spousal abuse rates are
about three times higher. But this is just for immigrant
women married to US husbands. I don't think I think
that includes all immigrantmen. I don't think it's just mail
order situations. So that's data that doesn't exactly help, but
it does shine a light on that power dynamic as
(43:53):
a whole.
Speaker 1 (43:53):
I think, yeah, And I couldn't I couldn't tell that.
Dave mentioned that there were three murder women male order
brides in the United States, I think between twenty ten
and twenty twenty maybe, And if using the high the
high number that the to hear E Justice Center uses
(44:15):
for how many came over every year, you got one
hundred and sixty thousand of them. So three murders out
of one hundred and sixty thousand population is I thin
zero point eighteen percent. But out of all the women,
all the married women in America, it's like sixty four
million married women seventeen two hundred and fifty on average
(44:37):
died but were murdered by their partner in that same time,
which is two point six percent. So I probably got
the math wrong. But if it is right, then that
means you're actually less likely to be murdered by your
husband as a male order bride than you are just
as an American woman who was married in just part
of the general population.
Speaker 2 (44:58):
So that's great, right. I think one of those status
you can't feel good about.
Speaker 1 (45:03):
No, exactly, that's a great That is an excellent point
for sure, Chuck. I mean, I think anybody you're going
for sure, it shines the light that we need to
basically do away with spousal murder. I think we can
all get behind that, right.
Speaker 2 (45:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (45:16):
What it What it does though, again, is it makes
you think, maybe let's concentrate on the real problems, right,
And if that's not, if the male order bride situation
isn't the real problem, then we just and we all
know this, but we have a real domestic violence problem
in this country anyway.
Speaker 1 (45:33):
Yeah, it's the same thing. What was the last one
we talked about, Oh, the stranger danger where it was like, oh, no, actually,
your cousin is going to like rape and murder you
way more frequently than just some strangers. But let's all
concentrate on the stranger. Right, your spouse is possibly going
to murder you, but let's ignore that and concentrate on
male order brides being murdered instead, even if it's just
(45:55):
a much less of a chance. Like that's the it's
the definition of a moral panic, and you got to
sort those out because they obfuscate important things.
Speaker 3 (46:06):
Yeah, and you know, at the beginning of the episode
you mentioned LGBTQ rights. That's why we call it male
order marriages now because in twenty thirteen, with the Supreme
Court striking down parts of the defensive Marriage Act it allowed.
And there has been a, you know, since then, a
sort of a big time rise in LGBTQ people doing
(46:29):
the exact same thing. And a lot of times these
people in other countries are literally fleeing for their life
because they have no rights in their own country as
a person from that community. So that's one of those
where you look at and you're like, they could literally
be saving someone's life by getting them out of their
country over here.
Speaker 1 (46:47):
Yep, that's right.
Speaker 2 (46:49):
And men do it too.
Speaker 3 (46:50):
I saw there was a I was curious about male
order husbands and if that was even a thing. And
apparently Ireland in recent years has got some of this
going on, where these irishmen are putting themselves out there
and saying, hey, I'm a strapping young Irishman and I'm
happy to come marry you and live in your country.
Speaker 1 (47:11):
Very nice.
Speaker 2 (47:11):
It's a thing in Ireland. Did not know that.
Speaker 1 (47:13):
I had no idea either, but leave it to Ireland
to just try something new. So good for you, Ireland,
good for you. You got anything else on mail order marriages?
Speaker 2 (47:24):
I got nothing else.
Speaker 3 (47:25):
I can take off of my roller skates now this
one was it.
Speaker 2 (47:29):
Was danger at every turn.
Speaker 1 (47:30):
I thought you did great. I thought we did great.
It's good. I'm pretty sure. Oh god, I hope so well.
If you want to know more about mail order marriages,
go check it out and see what you think for yourself.
Don't take our words for it. And since I said
don't take our words for it, it's time for listener mail.
Speaker 2 (47:50):
Listener mail.
Speaker 3 (47:50):
This is a sad case, so a bit of a
trigger warning here, especially if you've lost a family member
to COVID. But I had it back and forth with
this gentleman, and he really felt strongly about reading this
on the air in the name of getting people vaccinated. Hey, guys,
haven't written in quite some time. Been listening since two
thousand and eight. You've been around for so many personal milestones,
(48:13):
even though we've never met, even though I did ask
you the best question ever at your live show in Phoenix.
My father taught me how to play guitar. I've been
playing for nearly thirty years because of his influence. There's
never been a question of Gibson or Fender in my family.
It's always been clear where a Fender family. He played
a strat and I played a telly last This last Tuesday,
(48:36):
I said goodbye to my father. COVID had done its
job and completely overtaken his body.
Speaker 2 (48:42):
After he passed.
Speaker 3 (48:42):
Later that day, I went into my truck and took
a few minutes and decided I needed some Josh and
Chuck to get my mind off of things. And I
was absolutely shocked. On that day Leo Fender and Les
Paul came through in my feed. My father and I
did not have anything we bonded over more than our
love of music and play guitar, an affinity for Fender,
and a dislike of all things Gibson. Sorry, Chuck, there
(49:05):
could not have been more perfect topic to help me
through one of the hardest days of my life. I
look forward to someday when I might be able to
shake your hands after a good hand washing and sanitization,
and just thank you for being with me through so
many good days in so many bad days.
Speaker 2 (49:19):
And he included a song that he gave his father
that he wrote for him.
Speaker 3 (49:23):
It's great and this is from Eddie, and Eddie said,
please read this on the air. He said, my mother
decided to get vaccinated because of this, and they were
not vaccinated and he said, just please send the message
out to people that it can happen to you and
your family, and just go out there and get that
(49:44):
vaccination already.
Speaker 1 (49:45):
Thanks for that, Eddie, and definitely our condolences on your
father's passing. I'm really sorry to hear that, but I'm
glad we could bring you a little measure of comfort
at a terrible time. So thank you for letting us
a bit about that, and also thank you for telling
everybody get vaccinated, because it's a pretty good thing to
use your position for. So I think, like Eddy said,
go get vaccinated. Yeah, we said it, Go get vaccinated.
Speaker 2 (50:10):
Okay, okay, agreed.
Speaker 1 (50:11):
And in the meantime, if you want to get in
touch with us, you can send us an email. The
Stuff podcast at iHeartRadio dot com.
Speaker 2 (50:21):
Stuff you Should Know is a production of iHeartRadio.
Speaker 3 (50:24):
For more podcasts my heart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
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If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
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