Bestie Break Ups w/ Liza Treyger

Actress and comedienne Liza Treyger joins Brandon to do a deep dive into Messy Mail focused around getting into trouble and the complicated nature of friendship. Plus, some much-needed Real Housewives talk and a game of F*ck, Marry, Block. 

Follow Brandon on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brandonkylegoodman Join the C'Heauxmunity at https://brandonkylegoodman.substack.com/ Submit your own messy story or question at [e-mail] or call ‪[phone]

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
How do you tell someone they gave they give toothy
head without being rude. I don't need an amateur mistake.

Speaker 2 (00:05):
You know, you.

Speaker 1 (00:06):
Should say what you do want and not like, because
if you say, oh, I don't like that, you know
it's not great. But if you say, oh, I love
when you do.

Speaker 2 (00:15):
Yeah, but it's yes, like.

Speaker 1 (00:21):
Sexy. You know what we do here destroy shame around
sex by talking about sex. Now, let me tell you
something messy. Hi, Okay, I want to know something messy
as not it's not sexually messy, but like, I am
in New York still, but I'm recording. I forgot that

(00:43):
I had to record this opening and I had taken
an edible So maybe we are an hour into your
messy mom on edible edible Camino Chill. Shout out to Camino.
I'm about to do this messy Monday's opening, which who
knows what it is. I'm in the closet it too,
because I had to travel with the mic and the
mic quality was off. So I'm in the closet, which

(01:04):
you know is not my favorite place to be. I'm
out in proud girl, but I'm back in this closet
under a blanket like a little fort trying to get
this mic quality correct for y'all because I love you,
because you know I love you. So what MESSI thinks
gonna tell you, It's gonna probably be a bunch of
little things because I didn't have I've been in New
York for the last two weeks, and you know, one
of my friends message, You're like, are you have you

(01:25):
been getting a lot of dick? I said, girl, I've
been writing. I've been in rehearsals. I have not been
perusing the New York UH collection, the New York options. Girl.
You know, I've just been focused on the writing. But
New York has been wonderful. I will tell you that

(01:47):
recently I had I had some money come over UH
and we you know, had us a great little night.
But then after after I had to sage. And I
want to say this to you, don't be a right
to sage after a partner leaves, because sometimes the thing
about sex, it's energetic and people bring a lot of
their energies. You bring your energies. I don't want this

(02:09):
to sound too woo woo, but to the witchy girls,
stand up, you know, to the girls who loved Motilla,
stand up, you know, but like people come in, you
know to no punitendive. People come to your place or
you go to their place, and you are in each
other's energy, you know what I'm saying. And so after
a hookup leaves to this hook up left and it

(02:29):
was a great time. By the way, listen, I was
turned every which way but loops, amen somebody. But then
afterwards I was going to bed and I could not
get to sleep, and I remembered that like the conversation
that me and this person have, it was just a
little energy was a little lower, you know, the vibes
were a little lower. And so I was like, I

(02:49):
wonder if like they were just low energy a little bit.
So I had to sage. I got out of my bed,
I lit the sage, I walked around the apartment. Then
I lit the let some incense, you know. I said
a prayer to my grandmother. My grandmother knows what I
do these days now, and then I went back to
bed and I slept like a baby. But before I

(03:11):
there was so much unrest. So I just want to
say to you that if you after a hookup that
might have gone perfectly well, if you're not feeling settled
that's that's so, that's not uncommon, that's not like a
what I want to say, don't don't blame it on yourself.
Like there just might be energies might be a little
off and you might just need to save your incense

(03:31):
or do a little meditation or a little breathing, put
on a little music, get up and dance, whatever your
thing is, whatever your version take a walk, whatever your
version of cleansing this space is. Don't be afraid to
do that for yourself, because you know, sex and energy
is a real fucking thing. What else can I tell you? Oh,
so I did my show. This a presentation of my show.

(03:52):
So you know, I'm doing ho Church, which is my
like solo show all about you know, my path to
sexual liberation and my time as a pastor's kid. My
grandmother was a minister, my mom is born again Christian,
all these things, and so I do this show that
is storytelling. Also like Puppets, there's a pussy puppet, a
butt wole puppet, and Floppy who is an emotional penis

(04:13):
who can only get hard when he's emotionally connected. As
well as like activities and all these things that I
do on the show, But one of the things that
I do with pussy Puppet actually butt w hoole Puppet
is we teach people how to identify their turn ons.
And I wrote about this on Subsack, So if you're
following on subsack, you probably saw this on Monday. But

(04:34):
you know, one of the common questions that I would
get here on the pod here are messy mondays, would
be like, how do you know how to identify or
how do you identify your turn ons? How do you
begin to articulate what turns you on? A lot of
people go, I don't know what turns me on? And
so I wanted to create a little acronym or a
learning tool that helped me. Sorry, I am girl a reminder.

(04:56):
I know I might sound real coherent right now, but
this edible is whooping my ask and it's whopping my
Asopa gets his as because I'm trying to burn anyways,
So I wanted to go up with a learning tool
that could help us identify what our turn ons are,
which first and foremost, if you don't know what your
turn ons are, that is also a beautiful place to start.
I always say that I don't know in any situation

(05:19):
is a beautiful starting ground. So being able to articulate
for yourself when you go, oh, I don't know how
I feel about this, or I don't know what my
turn ons are, I don't know gives you space to
figure it out. Whereas if we pretend like we do know,
then we don't actually get to the truth of a thing.
So saying I don't know is really honest and truthful,
and that is the perfect first step to figuring out

(05:41):
what you do like or what you do want. And
so then after that I basically use this term bema.
So bima is actually, you know, in ancient Athens is
where orators would speak to citizens communication. We love that
word here, tell me something messy, and so I use
it in ho church as like a reference point for communication.

(06:04):
In how you identify these turn ons which are bima, body, environment, mood,
acutrams because we fancy, we fancy hosts h ga ux
never forget, so I divide it into categories. So thinking
about your body, where on your body do you like
to be licked, touched, sniffed, kissed, And then moving into environment,

(06:27):
which is where do you want to have sex? Where
the locations and then mood what are the vibes. What
helps you create the vibes and then Accoutremont would be
the props that you need, the things that you need
for your sex. And so with when we when you
feel it the categories, I encourage you to be as
specific as possible. So with body, I'll use examples that
people gave in the show. It was like having your

(06:48):
nipples sucked, having your neck licked, having your armpits sniffed,
having your foot rubbed. Like right, because let me double back,
it's the when we sometimes when we ask they're turn ons,
they immediately go I like a blowjob, I like having
my ass eaten. I like to get fucked, which are
fabulous things. But the point of this section of the show,

(07:09):
and that I like to impress upon anyone, is right,
sex is not about penetration, or it's not just about penetration.
And there are so many many more components to come
opponents to sex than and to pleasure than your genitals
and what includes two genitals. So identifying other parts of
your body that are sensitive and that enjoy being played with,

(07:31):
I think is important. Environment E. Where do you like
to have sex? You know? So is that in the bedroom,
is it in the kitchen. Is it in you know,
the steam room? Is it in the back of the car.
You know? Somebody at the show said in an elevator,
which go off sis. Somebody else said a rooftop, which
come on wealth, come on rich? The text break it

(07:53):
was showing out, Okay, the rooftop, we would have mercy.
But you know, so identifying where you like to have sex.
Mood is the vibes, so I've learned from myself. I
love a scented candle, or I like to say sometimes
about the color of the light air. You want a
blue light, you want to read light? You want a
pink light? Or playlist? You know? And who we fucking to?

(08:15):
Is it Victoria Bonet? Is it DiAngelo? Is it Ambro Mark?
Is it? Is it some K pop? Is it? Uh?

Speaker 2 (08:22):
Rock?

Speaker 1 (08:23):
Like? You know what is the music that you What
is how you want to set the vibe? How do
you want the mood in the coutrements which are one
of the props. Do you need a strap on? Do
you need a cock ring? Do you need lube? Yes
you do? Do you need uh sex sheets? Uh? Do
you need things for you know, blindfolds? Like what are

(08:44):
the things that turn you on thetremos that you want
in your sex. So you know, if I would go
through this, I would put this in your notesapp body, environment, mood, autremoles.
You don't have to figure this all out at once.
You can, you know, as you pose this question of
what are your turn ons and you figure something out,
or you experience me, oh I like this or I

(09:04):
love that, then write it down, you know. So like
if you if you're with a partner tonight or this
week and they you know, start flicking your nipples and
you go, oh, I actually love that, then write that
down on the body I like my nipples flicked. They
start licking in your ears. Some people hate that, some
people love that. If you discover that you love it,
put it in your list. I love my my ears licked.

(09:26):
If you experience yourself having sex in a in a
room that is incredibly dirty, This happened to me once
and you're like, wow, I can't concentrate, then you might know, oh,
a clean room is what turns me on. A dirty
If a dirty room turns you on, that's great as well.
Or you might you know, discover that I really love
fucking in a hotel room there's which that is a

(09:46):
personal one for me. A hotel room bait b ooh girl,
A different kind of horror comes out of me. Okay,
I never got a slut. I different got a hole
comes out of me. And I'll tell room for your vibes.
It's like, you know, you go to somebody spot or
they come over and they introduce you to some new
music at that that artist or that genre to your
to your list where you're like, oh wow, they had

(10:09):
a rotating colors of lights. You know, I went from
the pink to the blue to the red or it
was in sync with the music, and that really turns
you on. Write that down andremons again like what are
the props? You know, whether it's I want handcuffs and
or I want I want a swing, I want a
fuck machine, I want madildo's, I want cock rings, I
want you know, hey, gay's poppers. Like what do you want?

(10:33):
What do you need? Write that down and then you
can bring that to I guess, the the the table,
the sex table, if you will ahead of time and
set yourself up for a really pleasurable experience. So be
my body environment mood at gutamles. I don't know why

(10:53):
I did with the accent like that. I wanted to
feel fancy a trements accouterments, How I say in New York,
can't accouterment, Yeah, it would go accoutrement. You gotta know
you'll get all this education on this this here messy opening,
especially with this edible with my ass. Okay, I'm actually listen.

(11:15):
I'm impressed with myself because wow, by the way, welcome
to the show. This is tell me something messy. I'm
your host, Brandon Kyle, a good man. Some people call
me messy mom, but you could call me, uh a
hold you cater, Okay, a stone ju cater? Yes, baby,

(11:36):
what's that term? A pothole? That's the term they use
for a stoned bottom. The more you hope that's just random,
the more you know, Ring the doorbell, I gotta get
out of here. Ring the doorbell. Maybe you know what
that means. It's time for I guess now why they
get situated. We'll get our messy. Kikey started with a

(11:57):
how manifesto, repeat after me, lo or in your head,
Grant me the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage
to heal, the wisdom to know that sex is not
just about penetration, the audacity to advocate for my pleasure
and boundaries, the strength to not call my ex that
fuck boyfuck girl, or fuck bay. For it is better

(12:17):
to masturbate by myself in peace than to let someone
play in my motherfuck her face. That the community say, wolujah.
I am so excited to have Liza Traeger on the show.
Lisa is a stand up comedian, podcaster, actress based in
New York City. You can catch her on Netflix's Survival
of the Thickest and in twenty twenty five, her own

(12:40):
hour comedy special, I'm so excited for that. She likes
spending money, going out to eat, watching TV, smoking weed,
and being in bodies of water. Oh y'all, please help me.
Welcome Lisa, I said, Oh, because some bodies of water
not for me, but everything else, Lisa, I'm here for right.
This is the first time like meeting. Yeah, I feel

(13:03):
like I know you can. I tell you the which
is the reason I fell in love with you? Or
when I fell in love with you? Was actually maybe
ten years ago, ten or eleven years ago. And here's
what happened. I was randomly in Brooklyn. My best time
friend at the time lived in Williamsburg and she invited

(13:25):
me to Michael Chay's show, and I think Jay Farrow
was there and you were also performing, and then I
followed you immediately because you were the funniest of the night,
and I was like, dyang, does that sound right?

Speaker 3 (13:39):
Yeah, Chase, one of the reasons I moved to New York.
Oh my goodness, it makes sense that I was doing
all his early early fun Yeah.

Speaker 1 (13:45):
Yeah. I think I feel like he might have just
joined us and now. But anyways, you were hillaeous. I
can't tell you what you talked about, but I remember
being like.

Speaker 3 (13:54):
I've been talking about the same things for a decade,
which is what weed. Yeah, come yeah, being an immigrant.

Speaker 1 (14:01):
Yeah, okay, that's why we love. That's why I love you.

Speaker 2 (14:03):
There we go.

Speaker 3 (14:05):
Every time it's new material, it falls under the same weed.

Speaker 1 (14:09):
I love that beautiful, I know. And that's why I
still love all your stuff, because it's always like, yes,
let's have this conversation. I don't want to talk to
your kids.

Speaker 3 (14:17):
Oh yeah, and now I only talk about the same
five things off stage too. It's like Taylor Swift, Soul cycle,
weed again, housewives, Yeah, welcome your.

Speaker 1 (14:27):
Home so, Lauren, No, those are very exciting things.

Speaker 2 (14:33):
Yeah, we could just talk about it.

Speaker 1 (14:35):
Yeah, let me give you these messy mandates, so things
get to be unprocessed. Any thoughts or opinion shared have
the right to evolve, shift or change today, tomorrow, ten
years from now. And if during the kiki something you
know unintentionally offends, we say boos ball. That's our safe word,
which gives us a chance to stop address accordingly.

Speaker 2 (14:53):
Do you still do messy Mondays?

Speaker 1 (14:55):
Yes?

Speaker 2 (14:58):
Can I get messy Mondays?

Speaker 1 (14:59):
By every Monday? I just did it. We were till
today or yesterday, whenever recorded. We talked about loads and
pushing loads out of Somebody said their pussy was so
full and they needed help pushing it. How somebody else?
What else was there?

Speaker 3 (15:14):
It's cool Like other people we talk about have losers
as fans, and you have seated sectually liberated.

Speaker 1 (15:21):
They're getting yes and they're happy when you're getting fucked
more or like having the kind of sexy you want
to have. You're just living I think a freer life.
I think a lot of people just need some good sex.
Shall we start with a loop breaker?

Speaker 2 (15:36):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (15:37):
Fuck Mary Block? Yes, okay, so fuck Mary Block. Playing
with breasts, playing with ass, playing with feet.

Speaker 3 (15:46):
Okay, feet are dead blocked, okay blocked.

Speaker 2 (15:49):
I don't want to look at a foot.

Speaker 1 (15:51):
Really, I love a foot.

Speaker 3 (15:53):
No, I actually don't care about but really either, which
is like crazy.

Speaker 2 (15:59):
So I'm marrying boobs and I guess I'll like funk a.

Speaker 1 (16:01):
Butt okay, And you're blocking the feet.

Speaker 2 (16:03):
Yes, okay, okay.

Speaker 1 (16:07):
Do you have trouble with feet?

Speaker 3 (16:08):
Is there like a they just aren't for I just
don't want to see it. And when I see like
a foot in the mouth and it takes me out,
you out really obsessed me.

Speaker 1 (16:18):
I love to suck a toe. It's great, no, I know,
but it's tough.

Speaker 2 (16:24):
It's tough for me. Okay, I am going to I
don't even think I've touched a foot.

Speaker 3 (16:29):
Really accept a baby baby your own? Yeah, I get petty.
I've be getting pettigers in high school.

Speaker 1 (16:34):
Oh wow, beautiful feet And you don't like.

Speaker 3 (16:37):
Feet, well, I mean my mom, it's so funny genetics.
My mom, me and my niece all have the same foot.
And that was really funny.

Speaker 2 (16:44):
Described like why like wide? I guess yeah, like a
wide uh chunky foot? No?

Speaker 1 (16:51):
No, no, beautiful, gorgeous the nails and.

Speaker 2 (16:55):
Yeah they're okay.

Speaker 3 (16:56):
I get like, I know, I get gel polished on
my toes, so it's like it's yeah, so you're.

Speaker 1 (17:01):
Always like ready you can slip into a sandal and
stunt on the girls. Yeah yeah, I love that.

Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yeah, but I wouldn't because.

Speaker 1 (17:14):
I'm going to fuck playing with feet and all block
playing with breasts. I love a breast, but you know,
for obvious reasons, that's just not my forte. I'm not
great at it. But I do love a titty.

Speaker 2 (17:23):
When I was, I loved it.

Speaker 1 (17:25):
I was, you know, I was. I've always been gay,
never not been gay. But when I was in high
school and still thinking that was straight, my favorite thing
to do was to suck on titties.

Speaker 2 (17:34):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (17:35):
Like the girlfriends that I had, I loved. Okay, this
one says, oh sorry, this fu Mary Block is so fun.

Speaker 2 (17:43):
I love games.

Speaker 1 (17:44):
Games are the best. Fuck Mary Block, giving head, receiving
head a million.

Speaker 2 (17:47):
Dollars, that's so tough. I'm taking a million dollars. I
don't care.

Speaker 1 (17:53):
You're marry a million dollars.

Speaker 2 (17:54):
Yeah, I'm marrying a million dollars.

Speaker 1 (17:56):
I want it same.

Speaker 3 (17:57):
I want to go to Costreika. I guess, hey, you
need a million dollars for that. But in my head,
I'm taking my whole family, taking.

Speaker 1 (18:03):
A whole family, which also less than a million.

Speaker 3 (18:05):
But yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (18:09):
This is gonna be controversial.

Speaker 3 (18:11):
I'll fuck giving head and then I'll block getting head
because I prefer to get fingered. Oh I like fingers,
so I'll do that.

Speaker 1 (18:20):
That's such a flip most people. I hear people say
fingers are okay, which you prefer the fingers?

Speaker 2 (18:25):
I like fingers way more.

Speaker 1 (18:26):
Wow, I love that. Okay, I'm going to marry giving head.
Uh nope, that's a lie. I'm gonna marry a million
dollars talking about I want the millionomy. I want to
marry the million head. I'm gonna invest in and make
it a lot more. I'm going to uh fuck giving

(18:48):
head and block receiving head. I prefer to give head
and receive it. I love receiving it, but I love
giving head and eating ass more than receiving it.

Speaker 2 (18:56):
Yeah. Yeah, I guess it's not that weird.

Speaker 1 (18:59):
It's not that weird. I guess. Yeah, we're just givers.
We're just givers. Last one Doggie style reverse cowgirl missionary.

Speaker 3 (19:07):
I'm going to fuck doggy style, dog style Marry Missionary,
And I'm going to get rid of reverse cowgirl, Okay,
because you have to look at a foot.

Speaker 2 (19:22):
I'm not interested in that.

Speaker 1 (19:26):
That's the best reason I've ever heard to block it.

Speaker 2 (19:28):
I'm just like, because I don't want to be moving
around that much.

Speaker 1 (19:32):
Yeah, I'll hang out you. I'm gonna I will block
reverse Cowgirl. Not because I don't want to see feet,
because I love a foot, but because I always find
that it's like it takes a second to get into
that position, and like depending it's just it's a little
more acrobatic. There's a little more work that needs to
happen around it.

Speaker 3 (19:48):
I mean, I'm sure it works for a lot of people,
but I feel like it's a poor and propaganda position.

Speaker 1 (19:54):
Now one thousand is something that's just like, oh, we're fancy.
It doesn't make it.

Speaker 2 (19:59):
They have to but up for the camera, Like that's why.

Speaker 1 (20:02):
I face the camera when you see that face, don't
block your face. Yeah, that's what it is.

Speaker 3 (20:07):
And it suddenly came into the homes of people. But
it's like it's for the screen unless it really works.

Speaker 1 (20:14):
That's a perfect take, that's a perfect take. Yeah, I'm
with you. I'm going to marry missionary because at the
end of the day, I want to be able to
kiss you. And I'm going to fuck doggy style, because
that's how I like to start. I really like an
ass in my face. I like to eat it and
then slide in. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (20:30):
Oh see, I want I always want to end in doggie.
It is my favorite.

Speaker 3 (20:33):
But it feels inappropriate to marry you gotta fuck.

Speaker 1 (20:36):
It, So yeah, it makes more than to marry the missionary,
like the Romantic Romantics classic. At the end of the day,
you know, by the way, you won the game. Congratulations.
If y'all have prompts, you can email tell me something
messy at gmail dot com. Speaking of which, Liza, will
you tell me something messy? Can you tell me something messy?

(20:59):
Messy store?

Speaker 3 (21:00):
No, I cause a lot of problems. That's yeah, that
was messy. Someone was telling me a secret recently and
I had to do a whole why but I already
knew the whole story and blocked that person already or
on followed them because I was so annoyed about hearing
this on behalf of someone. And then when they finally
told me what went down. I'd act like I didn't know,

(21:20):
but I had already. I already already defended their honor
in my head.

Speaker 1 (21:24):
But you had to tell me. You had to act
like you didn't know it already.

Speaker 2 (21:26):
Correct, because it would break the confidence of the person who.

Speaker 1 (21:29):
Told me, Wow, you're loyal.

Speaker 2 (21:31):
I Well, it's not loyalty, it's manipulation.

Speaker 3 (21:36):
So, because if you keep secrets, you get more secrets,
you have to prove to people you're trust housewives.

Speaker 1 (21:44):
You need to be on housewives. That's how it works.

Speaker 3 (21:47):
You have to be trustworthy to get people to tell
you stuff.

Speaker 1 (21:51):
You're like, this is my way to get more tea,
more gossip.

Speaker 3 (21:54):
Yeah, got it, because I enjoy gossip and hearing stuff.
But to keep people coming back, you can't screw people over.
You can't have someone call and be like, did you
fucking tell her?

Speaker 2 (22:02):
I told you not.

Speaker 3 (22:03):
You can't do that, So you have to be really
on it. So when she started telling me about this
girl what she did, I.

Speaker 2 (22:11):
Just said to be like, are you I can't believe
she would do that.

Speaker 1 (22:20):
I love it. What's like the messiest secret that you
can Like?

Speaker 3 (22:23):
I got someone fired on accident? What do you mean,
I got involved. I got involved what I shouldn't have,
and I got kind of swept into like because I
never want to fuck with someone's money.

Speaker 2 (22:36):
Yeah, of course, it's never it and they're fine.

Speaker 3 (22:38):
And actually I was hanging out with this person yesterday
and the person who ended up firing them.

Speaker 1 (22:43):
So we're all okay, okay, but I what happened? Are
you allowed to tell us what happened?

Speaker 2 (22:50):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (22:50):
Like she kind of revealed information as someone that I
thought was wrong, like that it was confidential to the job.
And I confided in the wrong person, who's like, we
need to tell the person in charge. And I was like,
we really don't have to. We don't have to, and
she was just like, this is against the rule, this
is bullshit. It fucks up this and that, and I go, okay,
you're right, you're right, it's the right thing to do.

(23:12):
But then the girl got fired and I was like,
I actually don't even care this much.

Speaker 1 (23:17):
Did you tell her that you're the reason she got by?
Does she knows? Oh?

Speaker 2 (23:21):
She knows.

Speaker 3 (23:21):
Oh yeah, I've apologize. I apologize all the time. Actually,
because she's like, you could have just come talk to
me first.

Speaker 2 (23:27):
I go, that is a good point.

Speaker 1 (23:29):
Valid. Valid. I could have told her yes, but in
housewives lore, you're supposed to tell somebody else, do not.
You never come to the person with your conflict. You
end up going elsewhere and telling more people.

Speaker 3 (23:43):
And then and then it just got and then I
had to tell the other person's like, thank you for
letting me know it's important, And I was like, no,
it's like telling the vice principal, like I don't want to.

Speaker 2 (23:51):
Be some.

Speaker 3 (23:53):
Yeah, but I believed that it was like the right
thing to do at the time.

Speaker 2 (23:58):
But the right thing to do is to mind my business.

Speaker 1 (24:01):
Drink your water, mind your business.

Speaker 3 (24:03):
That's I'm working on a new joke. As like a
white woman, you know the Karens inside of you, and
you gotta keep her at bay, like you don't know
when she'll pop out.

Speaker 2 (24:17):
You have to be vigilant as you age.

Speaker 1 (24:19):
I think that somebody really needs to hear that, because
not even foreco.

Speaker 3 (24:23):
But like I was in a separate uber they saw
a car accident happen.

Speaker 2 (24:26):
I made him stop, I got out.

Speaker 3 (24:28):
I stood with the guy I called on when I
was like this, and this driver was like, they're gonna
blame why are you doing this? I was like, you
shouldn't have I'm wasted. Why would you tell me? Of
course I'm getting involved, and so it's bad. You really
have to, like.

Speaker 1 (24:41):
You have to, like I have to work urge.

Speaker 2 (24:43):
This is how my mom was.

Speaker 3 (24:44):
My mom would always scream at people at work and
come home be like this bitch, like she quit.

Speaker 2 (24:49):
Like as you screaming on the way out.

Speaker 1 (24:52):
Wow, as you get older, do you sometimes like I
feel like as I'm getting older, I feel my mother
like appearing it like inside, like whether it's what I'm saying,
the jokes that I'm making, like just like my mom
is taking over my body.

Speaker 2 (25:06):
Oh, my sister and I just had this.

Speaker 3 (25:07):
I was performing at Zanni's in Chicago and Schneider's Deli Delicious.
They wanted to send over meats and bread and like
food for us. But then at the end of the
night it was us dividing the food. Who's going to
take what home? And we both were like, oh my god,
we're our parents.

Speaker 2 (25:28):
Nothing is waste. Who's getting these pickles? You get this?

Speaker 3 (25:32):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (25:33):
Yes, you defend your whole like twenties and like trying
to avoid and rebel against your parents, and then you
just end up.

Speaker 3 (25:39):
Becoming always knew I fly off the handle like my mom,
I act crazy, and I also what she does that
I see myself doing. My niece does this too sometimes
where you're punishing yours, well, then I won't go and
it's like you're only punishing yourself.

Speaker 2 (25:54):
But I see the ice that comes out.

Speaker 1 (25:57):
Yeah, like the justice, the like I'm going to take
a stand, but it's also for what Yeah yeah, gotcha.

Speaker 3 (26:04):
No, but I flip out and then but I've had
to learn, you know, with comedy, it's tough because your
social life is your job, and like the separation isn't
as clear.

Speaker 1 (26:12):
Yeah, And so I had to.

Speaker 3 (26:13):
Really learn over years, cause I started at twenty one
that like some of these people are colleagues, okay, it
says it's not your true whole world.

Speaker 2 (26:20):
And I needed time to get over that.

Speaker 3 (26:22):
So I would get so riled and upset and try
to change people's minds and spend time and then you
kind of learn to.

Speaker 1 (26:29):
Yes, get over it, get over it. Yeah, just like then.

Speaker 3 (26:32):
It doesn't matter. You don't have to like, you don't
have to stand up for you don't have to scream
like I can't.

Speaker 2 (26:37):
Yeah, my mom, like stop going to the holiday parties
at are job.

Speaker 1 (26:40):
Like I also did that, and it's the most liberating
thing to be, Like, I'm not going to spend my
time where I'm not getting paid around people that I
work with more for what like unless I'm getting I
don't know, free stuff, Like I don't know why I'm
It's not where I feel softest or happy.

Speaker 2 (27:00):
Well, because in the nineties, those Christmas parties that were better,
we got.

Speaker 1 (27:02):
Many, oh my god, back in the day, like when
the Christmas parties were really popping, they would send you
home with swag bonus chicks like it was a thing.
Like I remember I worked at Flywheel. Our original Christmas
parties were the fanciest, most fabulous fucking things. And then
like as you like, you.

Speaker 3 (27:21):
Know, the during lunch in the room, like like.

Speaker 1 (27:26):
We got you Subway sandwiches. Okay, girl, Like I'm not,
I'm not coming to that, So I'm with you, Okay.
Shall we do some messy mail?

Speaker 2 (27:33):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (27:35):
So as always, your your submissions and stories remain anonymous. Okay,
this one says, but I.

Speaker 3 (27:42):
Always wonder about that because people are dming you a
lot of the secrets.

Speaker 2 (27:47):
Yes, you see who.

Speaker 1 (27:48):
It is, I see it.

Speaker 3 (27:49):
How do you like a therapy? How do you have
these ethics?

Speaker 1 (27:54):
So I see it. I never so like when when
people submit things on their messy mondays show me their screen,
their their screen name, their handle, and their submission, but
I never click on their handle, like I never I
never go to their page. I never look at who
they are. And I also just never reveal it. So
even if I have to send it over, send like

(28:16):
submissions over, I don't send their handles.

Speaker 3 (28:19):
But you've never like seen someone you know write something
and they have to like hide it in your brain
when you see them all the time.

Speaker 1 (28:26):
But like I feel like if people know me and
they're submitting it, they gotta know that I'm gonna see
who it is. But I will never share who it is.

Speaker 2 (28:35):
I always wonder about that.

Speaker 1 (28:37):
I always see the names, but I never Yeah, I
never will reveal it.

Speaker 3 (28:41):
There was a recent there's another pod I love listening to.
It's these two Australians Tony and I forgot the guy's name.

Speaker 2 (28:47):
They're just like fun.

Speaker 3 (28:48):
They're always in my feed but they do messages. And
it was basically a therapist and her client was talking
about having an affair with someone and then that night
her husband left the therapist for her client, for a patient,
but she can't tell anyone because she's a therapist and
that's her patient.

Speaker 1 (29:05):
I feel like that. I feel like that's the moment
you can break code, can't you.

Speaker 2 (29:08):
I don't know. That's why she wrote to this podcast.

Speaker 3 (29:10):
She's like, you're the only people I could tell anonymously, Like,
I don't know what to do if my patient.

Speaker 1 (29:17):
It's gone, that covenentality is gone. I'm dragging no, yeah.

Speaker 2 (29:23):
But then you don't have a career.

Speaker 1 (29:29):
But I feel like you gotta go to the board
and be like, listen, here's what I have. And she
took my man and I'm not here for that.

Speaker 3 (29:36):
I don't know, but she thinks that like the mistress
didn't know, but everyone in the comments was like, bitch,
she knew, and she gave me one purpose.

Speaker 1 (29:45):
So that's dark and I bet she did. I bet
she did. She looked up, she was fucking your husband.
She looked you up and said, oh, I'm gonna come
with my Now. No one know like how many weeks
she was going to her, how long?

Speaker 3 (29:59):
I know, it's so fucked the confidentiality. I wouldn't be
able to do a job like that doctor therapist. No,
I gotta tell people or even getting excerpts on Instagram.

Speaker 1 (30:10):
Like I gotta say that. So I've always been I've
always for whatever reason, my brain has always worked like
a vault. Like if you tell me it's a secret,
you can't tell anybody, I immediately forget. If you tell
me it's like just how it is. Or my best
friend and I in college, we would uh say no
judgment before we say anything. And if you say no judgment,
it was literally I literally would not judge. You could

(30:31):
tell me that you did the worst thing. Okay, cool,
and that's.

Speaker 2 (30:35):
How it was murdered.

Speaker 1 (30:37):
It depends on if your how close a friend we are,
and I would ask for the reasons. Okay, but then
I might report you, but I but I'll let you know.
I'd be like, hey, I gotta report you. I would.
I would keep it transparent, yea, unless I felt like
my life was in danger, and then you know, then
I gotta run. Then you gotta run. Okay. This one
says went to a party and my friend and I

(30:58):
took turns giving head in the bathroom that had no lock.
We hate the host. Okay, have you fucked a party.

Speaker 3 (31:05):
At a bar, but not a part oh Apple College.

Speaker 1 (31:11):
Would you. I couldn't tell if they were fucking in
the bathroom because they hate the host.

Speaker 2 (31:16):
Well, they wanted someone to walk in on it, which
is a kink.

Speaker 1 (31:19):
Like to get you know, to like possibly get caught.
But I thought it was so interesting for them to
say we hate the host, and it's like, oh, so
I hate somebody go to their party and.

Speaker 2 (31:29):
Fuck is more steal? I would steal.

Speaker 1 (31:31):
I would steal, yeah, yeah, yeah, I would go to
the house and take something.

Speaker 2 (31:35):
I like taking stuff.

Speaker 3 (31:37):
What kind of things do you like to take knick knacks,
treat trinkets, But I I hour I ask, like I
like having memories to like someone like and on setside
do this like at where I'll be like, I want
to take that when I leave, and I'll make sure
I'll mention it to props.

Speaker 2 (31:51):
I'll mention it. Yes, this is just like I'll just.

Speaker 3 (31:53):
Start planting the seeds so then when it's time, everyone's like,
did you get it? Yes?

Speaker 1 (31:57):
I know. I love taking clothes from uh set because
like they're in your size, and especially shoes, Like, Oh,
I did a movie and this character was just very
fashionable and I said, I want those sneakers. I want
so after the movie was wrapped, whatever, they mailed me
all of the things.

Speaker 3 (32:15):
I forgot the other actresses, but Reese Witherspoon in her
contract she keeps all the clothes Foreverny movies.

Speaker 2 (32:20):
She does.

Speaker 1 (32:21):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (32:22):
Yeah, what do you think they do with it? Because
I think about archives. That's all the legally blonde stuff.

Speaker 2 (32:26):
It's archives.

Speaker 1 (32:27):
And you because like she has very museums. Uh oh, churning, Okay,
because Celine Dion has a massive archive. Obviously, Beyonce is
an archive. I'm just like you just have like a
warehouse with everything you ever warned. That would stress me
out as an organ, as.

Speaker 2 (32:39):
Like a Marie. You wouldn't be in.

Speaker 1 (32:45):
That would be the third settle down, she says, settle down,
that's not your that's not your text racket. Somebody else
would do. You're right, somebody else will take care of it. Yeah,
I would just my marine condo brain would just be
like get rid of it, like what is it doing?
But whatever? Real? Yeah, I'd feel like I don't It's
just like this is so much stuff, like why is

(33:05):
it here?

Speaker 2 (33:06):
Yeah? But when you're Beyonce, you know people are gonna
want that.

Speaker 1 (33:09):
That's fair.

Speaker 2 (33:09):
People are gonna want that stuff.

Speaker 1 (33:11):
I feel like I'm always like, if you ever, if
you ever found yourself falling on hard times, if you're
Beyonce Jenna Lyons.

Speaker 3 (33:20):
That's why my friends are saying that she probably is
going broke. Why are you selling your closet and only
a portion going to charity?

Speaker 1 (33:27):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (33:29):
Hot, take I don't think rich. I don't think rich
people do.

Speaker 1 (33:31):
That, don't they? But like I feel like rich peoill
like money.

Speaker 2 (33:35):
So yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 (33:37):
They're just like making money. Like I feel like they're like, oh,
this is good business, let me make some money.

Speaker 3 (33:41):
I think her lash company was not the success she
thought it was gonna be.

Speaker 1 (33:44):
Jenna.

Speaker 2 (33:45):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (33:45):
Well, when I think about Jenna, I don't think about lashes.
But if she did like ties or sunglasses, yeah, you know,
or jackets, I would be all in. But I'm not
getting lashes. No no, no, no, no, okay some Portia Williams.
Yeah like that, that's that's the vibe, okay. Or she's
so beautiful, she's stunning, she's stunning. Okay. This one says

(34:08):
my BF dumped me in front of my friend, so
I fucked his friend that day.

Speaker 2 (34:14):
Nice.

Speaker 3 (34:14):
Nice, Right, that's what's cool about men.

Speaker 2 (34:18):
They have no loyalty. You can fuck your man's friend.

Speaker 1 (34:22):
Wait, no, break that down, like if they they betrayed you,
or you're saying in general, if.

Speaker 2 (34:28):
If someone.

Speaker 3 (34:31):
Like if my friend dumped somebody and they came and
tried to fuck me and be like, that's my friend,
get the fuck away from me. Yes, but a dude
will fud like, they will.

Speaker 2 (34:39):
Ruin their friendship.

Speaker 1 (34:40):
And I'm gonna say yes because the amount of times
that this scenario gets submitted, where like somebody's their boyfriend's
ex friend or their boyfriend's friend reaches out is kind
of quite common. It's a common submission.

Speaker 3 (34:52):
I have a crush on this important podcaster named Ryan,
but he was dating like, you know, like a playboy
kind of girl for a long time and they broke up.
Then they got back together and she goes, do you
want to see all the dms of your friends who wanted.

Speaker 2 (35:07):
To try to fuck me?

Speaker 3 (35:09):
And now he has like no friends left because everyone
the moment they broke up were like, what's up, what's up?

Speaker 2 (35:15):
What's up? What's fuck? And she showed him everyone.

Speaker 1 (35:19):
God, yeah, that's crazy. Oh my God, I would just
be so afraid.

Speaker 3 (35:26):
I remember his stories. He's like, fuck La, you fake motherfucker.

Speaker 2 (35:30):
Everyone tried to fuck her?

Speaker 1 (35:31):
Is that?

Speaker 2 (35:32):
But can I?

Speaker 1 (35:33):
And you might have answered this, But I'm just wondering
if that's specifically white men, because where I grew up,
you get fucked up for that shit, Like that's not
like we we don't play like that from Queens We're on,
Like you would just get fucked up, Like you're not
gonna try and fuck your homies. Girl, that just doesn't
make sense. Yeah, it feels dangerous.

Speaker 2 (35:55):
Maybe you would get beat up.

Speaker 3 (35:57):
But I think the whites are murdering the way they're
putting people in a wood chipper.

Speaker 2 (36:02):
But but are you watching forensic files? Girl?

Speaker 1 (36:07):
But they're not scared of it. Clearly if they're a
d M, they don't care. No, they don't think nothing
will happen to correct. That's what it is, the privilege
of thinking nothing gonna happen to you. That's why I'm
always like, it's always funny to me, like the Karens
and the What the John's, where you're just like you
step to the wrong person and you're gonna get fucked
up like that woman Like especially when I see the

(36:30):
Karens step into like a black woman, I'm like, she
can fuck you up like this that woe is my mom?
Like my mom would fuck you up. Be careful, be careful. Okay.
This one says, how do you tell someone they gave
they give toothy head without being rude? I don't know
how to do this, So I was gonna ask, if
you like, if somebody's giving you toothy head, how would
you how would you tell them without being rude? I

(36:52):
don't know.

Speaker 2 (36:52):
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (36:54):
I know I don't need an amateur mistake, you know,
I mean, I guess. I like so just like thinking
about the episode we did with the doctor Vanessa Marin
and like how you communicate, and you know, when we're
talking about bad kissing, she was saying that you should
say what you do want and not like because if
you say, oh, I don't like that, you know it's
not great. But if you say, oh, I love when

(37:14):
you do.

Speaker 2 (37:16):
Yeah, but it's your teeth, yes, like.

Speaker 3 (37:22):
Sexy, I maybe you could just go, oh this is
a little rough, I like it more gentle.

Speaker 1 (37:28):
Yeah, or or you just say like not so much teeth.

Speaker 2 (37:32):
That's what I was thinking. But that's not like some
sexy way.

Speaker 1 (37:36):
But but it's so kind, Like if you said see
it with the right tone, not so much teeth. Yeah,
is that good?

Speaker 2 (37:43):
You could be like, I think that your last person
likes teeth, but not me. We're different.

Speaker 1 (37:49):
That's it's what you want to fight now, Oh, your
last person like teeth not me. Just seems like, let's
get into it. That's that's a housewife answer, and I
love it. I'm here for it. Okay, this one's.

Speaker 3 (38:02):
Bite them back, see how they feel because I bet
they don't like.

Speaker 1 (38:07):
It, and that's great advice.

Speaker 2 (38:11):
More that could be. Yeah, let's experience.

Speaker 1 (38:14):
Bite them back. That's the name of this episode. Bite
them back.

Speaker 2 (38:19):
That's actually a messy thing I did.

Speaker 3 (38:21):
Did you guys in school have like the fake babies
they would give people fath No?

Speaker 1 (38:25):
I saw them save by the bell, but no.

Speaker 3 (38:27):
So I didn't sign up for it because I knew
I did. That was I didn't never want to children,
So I was like, I don't need to learn this lesson.
But this girl I didn't like, and I do feel bad.
She didn't deserve it, but she went to the lunchline
and left her baby at the table, and I put
its head back, you like around like because every time
the head leans back, you get in trouble.

Speaker 2 (38:46):
You know, it's a baby, oh right.

Speaker 1 (38:48):
Because it's like, yeah, crying, wow, the pettiness.

Speaker 2 (38:58):
But she didn't deserve it.

Speaker 1 (39:00):
Why shouldn't you deliver it?

Speaker 3 (39:01):
Because she was you know, because people weren't nice to me,
so then she was the one I could pick on.

Speaker 2 (39:05):
But we should have just the bully.

Speaker 1 (39:07):
You should have just formed an alliance and we'll up together. Yes,
you know what, I remember that movie Valentine. It's with
the guy who was on God, who was on Buffy.
He played Angel, I think, yeah, David Borie, honest, yes, yes, yes,
So that movie I remember came uphen we were in
middle school and basically all these girls end up getting
killed and it turns out that it's him because they

(39:29):
bullied him when he was younger, and then he ends
up killing them all for Valentine's na And so then
I I remember we had this girl in our class
who everyone was mean to, and it was just like
a do not be mean to people, because revenge is
a long fucking leash and I'm not trying to get
killed by nobody. Now. One thing I'm not trying to
do is get killed. Okay, all right, this one says,

(39:49):
oh this one okay, got fingered by my BF in
his hospital bed. His appendix burst. What's the wildest place
you've been fingered?

Speaker 3 (39:56):
I think just out and about, like out about, like
I said, like bar par probably a car, oh, definitely
a park, yeah, but nothing out nothing like like.

Speaker 1 (40:10):
Like like you know the movie airport check in lounge
or like uh no, but I like that, right, that
sounds fun, the lounge, Like, yeah, you check into the lounge.

Speaker 3 (40:22):
I've like never flown with someone that I'm in a
relationship with.

Speaker 1 (40:26):
Oh, how I have, now that I'm thinking about it, well,
I guess I have.

Speaker 2 (40:33):
We weren't doing well though.

Speaker 1 (40:34):
So that so we weren't getting fingered. Yeah, but on
the list now to fly and get fingered, which I.

Speaker 3 (40:40):
Mean like I've masturbated in my plane seat from Australia
because the seats.

Speaker 2 (40:45):
Were so wide.

Speaker 1 (40:46):
Cause tell me the story.

Speaker 3 (40:53):
I just met someone and we were going to date
long distance for the future. But I was just wrapped
up and we had we finally it's up. But then
I had to fly back to America, and so I
was just you know, you know, when you just had
a hookup, it's like what, you have a whole flight
to think about it.

Speaker 1 (41:07):
Yeah, and so I love it.

Speaker 3 (41:11):
They didn't believe me, and I was like, well, no,
these this isn't this is a big plane. It's different
and it's like two floors.

Speaker 2 (41:17):
It's quantus. You know, there's space, there's space. But the
lounge I never thought of. And I love the lounge.

Speaker 3 (41:24):
The lounge JFK, no one goes out and the outdoor
area like at the lax one they do, but not
here us life Hack.

Speaker 1 (41:32):
So getting fucked outside of the JFK lounge, yeah gorgeous.
I would love that. I want that to be on
your bugget list and the next time you're on the show. Yeah,
I got it.

Speaker 3 (41:42):
Done because I met airport so much. Yeah, jobs like nothing,
nothing that wild.

Speaker 1 (41:49):
Yeah. I fucked in my trailer once, which was pretty
wild to me. It was the the cost one of
the costume designers, and I had a little came in
too like fit me, and then oh my god, and
then he okay, this one says, uh.

Speaker 3 (42:11):
I wish society let gay men kind of lead a
little more.

Speaker 1 (42:17):
Queer people should just lead in general.

Speaker 3 (42:19):
Yeah, but with sexual freedoms and doing stuff and still
being in love with someone but then fuck it or
like just a quick dick suck at work. That's not
really part of hetero culture at all.

Speaker 1 (42:33):
Friend, in the steam room, like the gays are in
the steamroom, you.

Speaker 3 (42:36):
Would be going to sex attic meetings. Yeah, someone would
be upset.

Speaker 1 (42:39):
No, for we call it liberation, you know, yeah, sexual
There probably is a fine line between sexual liberation and addiction.

Speaker 3 (42:47):
And the hetero men don't realize if they treated women
with equality about it, then talk about it, they could
be getting everywhere talk about it if you didn't call
women slucks and throw rocks at them like you could
also would be getting fucked at work in the middle
of the day.

Speaker 1 (43:02):
If you created a space that was emotionally and physically safe, yes, okay,
if you could make somebody feel emotionally, spiritually and physically safe,
you would fuck a lot more.

Speaker 3 (43:13):
Because I think the classic kind of cliche joke straight
to do. It's like the gay pridearade. Look how happy
they are. It's because they don't have a dumb wife.
And it's like the life you're upset about is not
the women's fault. It's they are not creating this safe
slutty space for women period.

Speaker 1 (43:28):
I went to a sex party recently that was mostly heterosexual,
which is a wild experience for Mike Wrass to be there.
But what I loved was the women were in charge.
Like it was like the women were clearly in charge
of how this thing went down, and you felt it. It
was just like it was about the women's pleasure and
the guys were getting off, but it was like on

(43:49):
the woman's clock, which meant my clock, I mean on
her terms, which just felt like, yeah, we all win
here when it's on the there sometimes tends to be
like a lack of interest in the mutual pleasure, but
in this space, it was like, no, it's about the
mutual pleasure. Yeah, it changes everything.

Speaker 2 (44:10):
They don't get. With more respect, they would get all these.

Speaker 1 (44:14):
Hellos Hello, No, they just want what they want. Anyways,
this says, I think I need to break up with
my bestie. We've been best friends since middle school, but
over the last few years it feels like we can't
get on the same page. We argue, bicker, and our
interests don't really align anymore. I love them, but I
find our hangouts to be increasingly more draining. How do
I tell them, I don't think we should be friends anymore.

Speaker 3 (44:36):
I don't think if it's from junior high. This could
be a lifelong friendship and you could take a break
for a few years. There's no reason to fully end
a friendship. You might need each other. You might have
to go to a sad like a funeral in your hometown. Like,
I don't know if it's that's necessary. Could just be
less and less hangs the natural and then you'll see it.

(44:58):
You'll see each other party and you can have a
great time. Like expectations of each other could change the
way the friendship is can change, and if you truly
want them out, it could be a slow burn, Like
I just don't think it's necessary unless she wants to
or this person wants to mend it and get.

Speaker 2 (45:14):
Back to a certain place. But well that's okay for shifting.

Speaker 1 (45:19):
That's interesting because it's like, well, what what what do
you want out of the friendship? Can you let it?
Can you let it evolve?

Speaker 2 (45:25):
And she just let's say this, her friend voted for Trump.
Let's say yes. Then it's like, oh, I actually don't
this is the reason?

Speaker 1 (45:31):
Yes, what you like? That makes sense? To me or
you you do not care about my interest or my communities. Interesting,
so I understand that hard line.

Speaker 3 (45:39):
Or if they start dating someone you really hate, but
then you have to stays even stronger to be honest
because I know. I think bad partners do it on
purpose to isolate, like they're so shy, and then they're
shitty to your friends so that you don't you Sometimes.

Speaker 1 (45:53):
You have to stay strong absolutely.

Speaker 3 (45:55):
But I've had a lot of friendship breakups and I
used to feel really bad about myself because of it.
So like I get ending friendships and I have sent
a text being like I don't want to be your
friend anymore.

Speaker 2 (46:04):
It's just I don't find it necessary, I think because.

Speaker 3 (46:07):
To send that text, I was like, oh, you're a
psych like, you're a compulsive liar, psycho.

Speaker 2 (46:13):
You are unsafe. It's the unsafe.

Speaker 3 (46:14):
I didn't feel safe with that Personeah, I'm like, uh, Basically,
I'd been living with people and I found out one
of them was lying to both of us to turn
us against each other.

Speaker 1 (46:22):
Oh yeah, you gotta go.

Speaker 2 (46:24):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (46:24):
If the relationship is just toxic and the person is
like not good or safe, then that makes sense to
end the friendship. But if it's kind of we're growing apart,
then I hear.

Speaker 2 (46:34):
You like you might see her on Thanksgiving break.

Speaker 3 (46:36):
Yes, and you get to have one like blackout Wednesday
night and then not see her for a year, but
maybe that's your night. Yeah, and it's okay, and they
could still be in your life unless you really don't
want it.

Speaker 1 (46:46):
Sounds like the suffering is wanting it to be what
it was, and like, especially if you've been friends with
somebody since middle school, right, the amount of versions of
yourself that has emerged since middle school till your twenties
your thirties is a lot, and so it's fair that
you might not be aligned with that person anymore. But
I think you trying to hold them or you or
the relationship to what it was in middle school. It's

(47:09):
probably what's going to keep you unhappy.

Speaker 2 (47:12):
But also if you don't like this person, that's fine,
that's fine too.

Speaker 3 (47:15):
Yes, I'm just wondering if it has to be such
a cutoff or not. Because I have one friend we
were close to our high school, a little bit of college.

Speaker 2 (47:25):
We didn't speak for.

Speaker 3 (47:26):
Probably five years, so and now we're back to every
time I'm home, we see each other.

Speaker 2 (47:29):
We hang out, you know, so.

Speaker 1 (47:31):
So it can move, it can shift, it can change
exactly do you think you should communicate the shift?

Speaker 3 (47:38):
Like if you're like I feel like these hangars are
more dreamed, I don't feel as easy.

Speaker 1 (47:43):
It's as easy.

Speaker 3 (47:44):
It's not as easy because I get I have some
friends where it's no social battery at all. We could
lay on our phones next to each other and it's fine. Yeah,
And then there are friends where it's like, I'm not
going to be the fullest version of myself and if
I'm censoring whatever and it's exhausting, it'll be less.

Speaker 2 (47:58):
But then if we're mutual party hang we could hang.

Speaker 1 (48:02):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (48:03):
I wonder.

Speaker 3 (48:06):
If the cutoff is necessary or not. But if you
think it is, then it doesn't matter what this person thinks.
You could just be as harsh as you want.

Speaker 1 (48:11):
Really, yeah, this is making me think about I actually
have a friend that I used to be really really
close with and then I found them to be draining
over time, and I moved, so like our relationship naturally,
because I moved, we weren't forced to be in the
same space. But there is a bit of guilt that
I had because I never I was never able to

(48:32):
communicate why I was being more distant, and then I
finally was like, oh, I'm being more distant because every
time I'm in conversation with this person, I feel like
not great. At the end of it, I don't feel unsafe,
but I'm like, there's just a lot happening and I
don't know how to manage this. And then it's been
enough years and I'm like, I don't know how to
communicate that. So now like we see each other, and

(48:54):
we see each other, we're so friendly, but we were
so close at one point, and then the disc there's
just been no conversation about how we went from being
bosom buddies to just saying hi once.

Speaker 2 (49:07):
Every anything there was an incident or anything, or it
was just with time.

Speaker 1 (49:11):
I think it was just with time. I don't think
there was one specific incident. Obviously, moving will add a
strain to any relationship that becomes more work to stay connected.
But then I think it was as we were trying
to stay connected, it just felt like this is so
like I don't know, like my other relationships, even the
long distance once feel easier and this does not feel easy,

(49:32):
but I don't but it's not one particular thing other
than it's like your life feels like it's a little
too much, but that then feels like, well that's not
you know, everyone's life gets to become too much at
a certain point, like that's not a reason to not
be friends. But then I think maybe it was more
about I'm processing this in real time. Maybe it was
about I don't mind if my friends. I don't of course,

(49:54):
don't mind if my friend's life is crazy. That's what
friends are for, Like, your life is shitty right now,
lean on me. But there never seemed to be a
mutual exchange or the mutual exchange start to go away
where it's like I'm always navigating your shit, but there's
no interest in like what my shit is. And so
then it becomes well, now I'm just taking care of
you in a way that isn't like reciprocal. Yeah, And

(50:17):
so then I think that's where the distance came in. Yeah,
the reciprocity, that's real.

Speaker 3 (50:24):
Yeah, And it's not about counting, but it is when
someone disappears when you have shit, and it's not the
other way around. And just with age, you just realize
that shit, Like after a while you're like, oh, you've
never asked me a question.

Speaker 1 (50:38):
Yes, You're like, you've never asked me how I am?

Speaker 2 (50:40):
But my favorite this girl wrote me up, so she texted.
I didn't respond to her. It was like annoying, She's
always asking me for shit.

Speaker 3 (50:46):
And then I got a text on my birthday that
said happy birthday. Hey if I did anything to upset
you about them, So I'm like in the birthday text.

Speaker 1 (50:56):
Like turning it around?

Speaker 2 (50:57):
Could even wait a day. I'm like, I'm not dealing with.

Speaker 1 (51:00):
Yes, yes, don't give me the things to deal with
right now, just say happy birthday.

Speaker 3 (51:04):
I'm obsessed with Daniel Bayard Jackson. She's a more female
friendship expert. She's a friendship expert, and I'm obsessed with her.

Speaker 1 (51:11):
Daniel Bayard Jackson beautiful.

Speaker 3 (51:14):
She is so smart and cool. She has a book
coming out, but she's it's a new thing. She was
a teacher and then she was a PR person and
she realized that her high school students and the PR
girlies all had the same.

Speaker 2 (51:28):
Kind of friendship issues.

Speaker 3 (51:29):
Yeah, and she saw a pocket because people make it
seem like friendship should just be easy.

Speaker 2 (51:33):
Yeah, And if it's not easy for you, it's you
you're a freak.

Speaker 3 (51:36):
Yeah, and it's like, no, it's a relationship that's pretty
complicated and worth the effort. And it's like how we
admire we admire long term friendships.

Speaker 2 (51:45):
Yes, what if it's unhealthy.

Speaker 3 (51:47):
Yeah, so you're friends with the four girls you knew
in junior high and now you're forty five and still
in the same weird patterns. So it's like, but we're like, wow,
since junior high.

Speaker 1 (51:55):
We focus on like the length of time as opposed
to the quality.

Speaker 3 (51:58):
Yeah, or what's going on. So she kind of dives
into hanging out. What friendship looks like changing, Oh maybe
friendship and hanging out is me coming and watching you
do laundry, uh huh and just sitting And that's our friendship.

Speaker 1 (52:12):
Friendship, the intimacy of just like be here.

Speaker 3 (52:14):
We don't need to put the rest of prose. And
so she's really cool. If anyone needs friendship stuff, I
really like that.

Speaker 1 (52:21):
Okay, So our advice would basically be if it's toxic,
get out, but if not, then there's probably other and
flows let those friendship shift.

Speaker 3 (52:31):
Yeah, because if you're just not seeing each other that much,
then it's fine. It could just be fine. She might
be this person might be feeling the same way of
like I don't. I think less is better. Yeah, and
then maybe you'll have one moment or you'll need someone
or it's the issue that you're gonna need this person for.

Speaker 1 (52:48):
The other thing I would add is tell her and
like just then maybe have a conversation to be like, hey,
this is how we're feeling.

Speaker 3 (52:54):
You're like, our friendship's not the same and it's bothering me.

Speaker 2 (52:58):
I missed what we had, but I don't want to
force it. How do you feel?

Speaker 1 (53:00):
Yeah, yes, and just like you might be able to
get on the same page.

Speaker 2 (53:04):
And that looks about life.

Speaker 3 (53:05):
Clear communications the answer to ninety percent of life problems.

Speaker 2 (53:09):
And yet it's the hardest thing because.

Speaker 1 (53:11):
We are all in our own stories and then put
stories on other people. And if we would just talk
to each other, we would actually figure out what the
fuck is going on, but we don't. We don't, And
so yes, that's so there's a There are three versions
of advice, which is, if it's toxic, let it go,
allow shifts and flows, but also communicate and see what happens.

Speaker 3 (53:29):
Because I definitely had a friend where in our midt
I was like I'm just done girl, and I still
feel that way, and they still try to.

Speaker 2 (53:37):
Come around in the wild.

Speaker 3 (53:40):
I want to give a shit, but I was like no,
But then when something bad happened to her.

Speaker 2 (53:44):
I showed up. Yes, I showed up at the hospital,
you know, like it is.

Speaker 1 (53:48):
And that's okay, that's still a friendship. Yeah, Lisa, thank
you for being here.

Speaker 2 (53:52):
Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 (53:53):
Fun. I'm so glad we to me. I know, I
know we're talking to you like I've known you forever,
but it's the first time in person.

Speaker 2 (54:00):
There's a lot of evils online.

Speaker 3 (54:01):
But I think the cool thing is, you know, being
able to follow someone's day life.

Speaker 1 (54:06):
Yes, all the good people will be like, oh those
are good vibes, and you were always good vibes on
the internet. And I'll see you soon.

Speaker 2 (54:16):
Yay.

Speaker 1 (54:25):
Well, you know we are hose here, but hose with heart.
So before we go, let me speak to yours. I
love me some, Lisa. Lisa had me cackling, had me screaming.
She's so funny and truly one of my one of
my favorite comedian and so be sure to check her
out everywhere, including her special uh and on Survival of

(54:49):
the thickest. I'm just plugging you, Lisa. I'm just plugging
you because I love you so much. So what did
I learn? I learned that Lisa doesn't like feet, and
you know, I famously love the feet, but she don't
like the feet as so you know, I still care.
I still care for you, Lisa, but Lisa don't like
that feet and I my toxic trait is like, let's
get to the bottom of that. Let's unpack that. What's

(55:09):
that about? But you know, everyone to each Oh, we're
all allowed to have the things that we love and
we don't love, like we don't like. But I just
know that I Brandon Kyle Goodman love to suck some toes. Okay, period. Amen. Amen. Somebody.
By the way, just in case you worn't clear, I'm
recording this section also in New York, and the edible

(55:31):
is still the edible is still in me. Uh so
here we are. I really love this distinction of no
need to cut off a friend unless it's unsafe, you know,
because I think any of we can all relate to
ebbs and flows and shifts in our friendships, especially those
friendships or even just relationships with family members. You know,
people that you have been close with since you were young,

(55:53):
and so the relationship had a certain dynamic. But then
as you grow, the relationship shifts and do you want
it to be what it was? Are you going to
allow it to turn into what it is turning into?
And I think that distinction of well, is it unsafe
or is it just not what it used to be?
And that kind of being a way that do delineate

(56:13):
if you need to have a friendship breakup or if
you can just kind of let the relationship morph into
something new. Of course, if you have a gut instinct
that the fridship needs to end and that's what you
would rather, then of course do that. But as Lisa
also says, you know you can communicate if you feel
something is off, because ninety percent of life's problems can

(56:35):
be solved with clear communication. I couldn't agree more. I
feel like ninety nine percent of life's problems could be
cleared up if we would just communicate and say, oh,
this is how I feel about this, or getting curious,
you know, asking a question, hey, do you feel like
something's off? Like I'm feeling this, but like, how are
you feeling about this? Because maybe it's just me, or
maybe we can meet in the middle here. You know,

(56:56):
our tenants here are curiosity, communication, and compassion. So you
can always communicate these things. Then it doesn't have to
be with anger or devastation or you know, in panic.
It can be compassionate and it can be curiously. You know,
we especially in our friendships. Again, unless somebody's actions are

(57:18):
are are actually harmful. I believe in in our friendships
and our families and our romantic relationships and assuming best intent.
That I'm going to assume your best intent, and so
I'm going to approach you not as though you were
trying to hurt me, but like say, hey, this thing
did hurt, but let me let me learn more about

(57:41):
what you were thinking or why you did what you did,
or if you even noticed that you did what you
did or set what you said. Sometimes that that is
a softer and more productive approach. Again, you know the
difference between somebody who is always disrespecting you or you

(58:02):
don't feel safe around versus somebody who you always feel
safe around and you always feel good with. But something
is shifted and you need to bring that up. You
can do it compassionately and curiously and with with love.
I love Lisa's life hack, which is, you know, if
you want to get more secrets, you gotta keep those secrets. Hello,

(58:24):
you got you gotta you gotta show that you're loyal,
You got to show that you're trustworthy. You keep secrets,
you get more secrets. I think that is so the
Real Housewives of it All. But you know, T TGT,
you know, are on a larger, larger scale. It's about
you know, I think that trust and confidence is important,

(58:47):
and so there are times where people do say things
to us and you need to act on it, and
of course do so. But the value of keeping confidence.
We were saying this and jests, but obviously they're I
don't know, there's something here in Los Angeles. I'm gonna
say the thing, but there are some ways in which

(59:07):
I see I'm let me say this. I've not experienced
this in my friend group, and I'm very grateful, you know,
I'm very particular about who I keep around me. But
it's something that I've heard from people in other friend groups,
and I just think it's so interesting where people feel
like they can't trust their friend group or feel like
their friend group is safe. And I've heard this enough

(59:28):
times from enough different people who are not connected that
I'm like, oh, this must be this must be something
that's real where there are people who are and you
might feel this listening people who are in friendships that
are not safe or where there isn't confidence and there
isn't trust, And so to that, I say, and I

(59:49):
might have said this already on the show. I never
know if I say things on the show, if I said,
it's somebody in person, but I'm gonna just say it again.
Actions do speak louder than words, and your gut is
is an important tell, an important barometer. So if you
are not feeling safe in your friendships or in any

(01:00:09):
of your relationships, if you don't feel like you can exhale,
if you feel like you have to police what you're
saying to people that you're calling your best friends because
you don't know if they're going to tell other folks,
I would take notice of that, and I would offer
to you that there is a different version of friendship
out there that you might want to seek out. There's

(01:00:31):
a different version of relationship that you want to seek out,
which is there are people who are loyal and who
you can be loyal to and who want to protect
you and keep you safe, and who you want to
protect and keep safe. Those relationships do exist, and I
wouldn't stop until I found those relationships. So if you're

(01:00:55):
currently in relationships with people that you can't trust and
you feel like, oh, they are going to tell my
business or they will betray me, they will not hold
my trust sacred. If those relationships you're in, whether it
is with family, it is romantic, or it's friends, please
please please look at that. Take that seriously, and I

(01:01:17):
want to affirm for you that there are and there's
another version of friendship. There's another version of relationship that exists,
one where you are safe you or there is mutual respect,
mutual reciprocity when it comes to the loyalty and the trust.
And you deserve that. You deserve to have a friend

(01:01:38):
or two friends. Listen, I might not be everybody, but
you deserve to have two or three friends. Maybe you
got four or five friends, but you deserve to have
a close community, the inner council, as we might call it,
your kitchen table friends as we might call it, where
you can fully exhale and be yourself and trust that

(01:01:58):
what stays at the table, what happens at the table,
stay at the table, what happens to Vegas stays and
Vegas vibes? You understand? Okay, Well that's all I got. Listen.
I love you so much. You can find me on
Instagram as well at Brandon Kyle Goodman. You can find
our podcast at tell Me Something Messy, and you can

(01:02:19):
join our community on the Messy Monday's substack. When you subscribe,
you'll get weekly posts, recommendations on sex and self and
so much more. Also, I want to hear from you,
so send your topic ideas, your messy stories, your submissions,
your game ideas to tell Me Something Messy at gmail
dot com. You can also call us at six six

(01:02:41):
nine sixty nine Messy. That is six six nine six
nine six three seven seven nine. Rate review and share
this podcast with all your hoe and aspiring ho friends.
Really really helps the show out, all right. Until next time,
ask about the politics of that dick before you make
it spin, make sure they eat the kitty buffore they

(01:03:02):
beat the kittie before fucation or sucation communication. And in
case you haven't heard it yet, today you are so
deeply loved. I love you, ye, thank you so much,
for listening to Tell Me Something Messy. If you all
enjoyed the show, send me episode to someone else who
might like it. Tell Me Something Messy was executive produced

(01:03:23):
by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly. Our producer
and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio
and The Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app or anywhere
you subscribe to your favorite shows.