How To Be A Soft Daddy w/ Nick Kroll & Andrew Rannells

The legendary Nick Kroll and Andrew Rannells join Brandon to read some Messy Mail and talk about their new movie "I Don't Understand You." Plus, Brandon's Messy Pick leads them all into a discussion on being a compassionate father. 

 

 

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Dramaturgically speaking, it's hard for me to imagine myself on
one end of the spit roast when it feels as
though I should be witnessing and celebrating Andrew and Jay.

Speaker 2 (00:15):
You're right, especially during Pride.

Speaker 3 (00:16):
Oh yes, that's said all stuff.

Speaker 1 (00:20):
I'm like a fucking hepera.

Speaker 2 (00:28):
You know what, This is a safe space to talk
about relationships, love and sex. Now, let me tell you
something messy. So I was on Grinder on the grid
and you know, like on Grinder you can put like
a like a profile name for yourself, you know, like
some people will say, like, you know, I saw one
that's the ie top, Like it's like I like iPhone,

(00:50):
but I top very very clever, very cute. What are
some other ones? Best hole ever? Is one that I
recently saw? In fact, let me just open grind or
see what where Let's just open up the let's open
the grid and see what what wonderful names people have
come up with. I don't have a name on mine.
I'm one of those I don't you know it is

(01:11):
what it is? Uh? You can you know? There's a
photo there, so either you like it or you don't.
But let's see what This one says, say, hi, Texas cowboy,
what else down for a head? You know, very very clear,
direct wine and anime. That's you know, just tell me,

(01:33):
tell me what you try to do, which I think
is is valuable. Want no Republicans? That's what you ask?
Why the politics that did before you make it? Spit?
That's a fair one. This one says eyebrows so like
I again an iPhone but eyebrows h And another one
says fill me up anyways, So like this is you
know how people will will will market themselves on the grid,

(01:56):
But recently I saw one that said die with a smile.
I just don't know. Listen, I'm not I'm not an
expert in any way. I'm not like a matchmaker. I
by no means am I a grid expert or a
grind or expert. But I would say that if you

(02:16):
are trying to market yourself, die with a smile is
probably not to me, the most appropriate or the best.
It's not the best foot forward. How about that, It's
just not the I just don't think you're gonna You're not.
You're not gonna catch a lot of fish with that name.

(02:37):
You're gonna catch a lot of dick with that, you
know what I'm saying, or maybe you what I don't know,
like because I'm also thinking, well, like if this person
was actually, you know, dangerous, would they actually say it?
They probably would just say Rob or something not Rob,
not like Rob you but like Robert, you know, or
Kevin or something like something non spicuous. Die with this smile.

(03:02):
I'm that gives me pause. But then I'm also like,
now I'm gaslighting myself, like should it give me pause?
Like the person who writes die with a smile shortly
is not trying to kill anybody? That maybe is that
a reference to a show or And that's why I'm like,
am I crazy? Because what a killer? Say they're a killer?

(03:22):
I feel like that would but maybe that's their kink.
Maybe their kink is that they're a killer and they
want you to to doubt them.

Speaker 4 (03:30):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (03:31):
This is terrible, but I just know that I wouldn't
I wouldn't go. But that said, I also say this,
you know, the grid is the grid, and so no
matter what, you're going to somebody's house and it is
a stranger. So I guess like what I can give
this person is credit for being honest about their intentions,
because you know, I've listen. I remember one time I

(03:51):
went to somebody's house or apartment. I was in New
York at like the witching hour. It's like four thirty
five in the more, you know, like with that veil
between sunlight and you know, the darkest the night is
and the before the light right whatever, it is, not
a lot of great people are out at that time.
And I went to this place and I swore when

(04:14):
I got there, I really thought this man was gonna
kill me. But I was so horny. And maybe that's
what we don't talk about enough. Obviously he didn't kill me,
but like his his apartment was killer vibes. I'm not
like it was. It was like a horder, like late night.
Why are you on the grid? Well? Why, I guess,
why are either of us on the grid at four

(04:36):
point thirty? And I should have left, but so horny
and maybe maybe maybe that's on me, not him, and
maybe we should uh, maybe that's a discussion we need
to have that people make dumb decisions, that post Nott
clarity is a real thing. Sometimes I don't know who
needs to hear this, but sometimes before you make that

(04:58):
call before you go over to that person's place. You
should you should bust a nut because die with this smile.
I'm just saying like that to me, regular is crazy.
But there is a version of me that at you know,
four thirty in the morning, sees die with a smile
and it's so horny and goes, oh I would, I
would if it's some good dick. I'm happy to die

(05:19):
Like that's crazy, it's crazy. Which I've had that too,
where I've separately I've been getting throat fucked like which
I have been in my life, but like there have
been times where I'll be getting throat fucked to the
point where like I almost can't breathe, and I think
to myself, if this is how I go out like work,
like I'm so happy, just crazy, I'm saying, all love,

(05:45):
this's crazy, Like you gotta tap safe for it. Well,
there's no safe for it. There's a dick in your mouth,
but you a double tap or something you know, to
just like say it's too much dick. But I be
sometimes I'd be like, hey, this is how I go
like you can't like pleasure all that to say, the
small should not be your uh, your grinder name there

(06:08):
should you should? You should find something better, something not
as a killer forward, unless you are in fact a killer,
in which case keep it because I think that that will,
you know, warn the folks. I maybe made this work,
maybe so so I think I'm landing at this person
can't be a killer, because to write die with a

(06:28):
smile would be evidence. And I think killers want to
get away with it. They don't want to tell people
that they're doing it. I think I don't know much
about killers, so you'll have to. You know, I don't
watch a lot of those movies, scary movies. Really. If
you know me, you know I cannot handle a horror movie.
I don't like it. I don't like I don't like it.

(06:50):
I can I can handle Gray's Anatomy. Slice the bitch
open and fix them, you know what I'm saying. If
you won't slice the bitch open, fix her, I'm here
for But if you just slicing bitches left and right
for fun, nah, babe, that's not for me. That's not
That doesn't settle my soul. I'm saying all this and
our guests today are in a horror movie that I

(07:12):
will see because it's a horror comedy. I like, I
like a comedy, but you know what I'm saying, like
you just be killing you know, you know the movies,
not not the funny ones, the ones where they just
be stabby, stabby, killy killy for no reason or because
they got a chip on their shoulder. I Rememberink, we've seen
that movie. Wh I'm talking too much, but I'm gonnall
you anyway, that movie Valentine. This is like I was
in middle school and this movie came out. It's that

(07:33):
dude who I think played Angel and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I think it was his movie. Anyways, that movie is
like somebody's like going around killing these girls, these ladies,
except for one girl doesn't get killed. Turns out Angels
the one killing them because they made fun of him
in middle school. Baby, you want to talk about bully prevention,

(07:53):
bullying prevention? That ooh ooh. Once I saw that, Once
I saw, once I understood what revenge was. That movie
taught me about revenge, and once I understood that, I
was like, Oh, people are crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not.
I'm not. I don't. I don't hold a grudge like that.
I really do forgetting things. But I understand that people don't.
So I'm gonna be I'm gonna make sure that I'm
nice to everybody, because I'm not trying to get slashed

(08:15):
twenty years later because some shit I said to you
when we were ten. Absolutely not. I don't really know
what we're talking about. Die with a smile. That's what
we're talking about. By the way, welcome to the show.
This is tell me something messy. I was afraid to
some people call me messy mom. You could call me
a bit. You won't die, I who like, I'm not

(08:37):
gonna like I would. I never understood that in the
movies that we the black folks. Oh but I did.
Just tell y'all I went to that man's house. Okay,
well maybe I would die first. Okay, Well, get the

(08:59):
show started, baby. You know what that means. It's time
for a guest. Now, while they get situated, we'll get
our messy. Key key started with a Hoe manifest sto
repeat after me aloud or in your head. Grant me
the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal,
the wisdom to know that sex is not about penetration,

(09:20):
the audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries, the
strength to not call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl,
or fuck they, for it is better to masturbabe by
myself in peace than to let someone play in my
motherfucking face. Let the community say ho helujah. I am
so excited to have Nick Kroll and Andrew Rynolds on

(09:42):
the show. Nick Kroll has established himself as one of
today's most sought after creators, writers, producers, and actors in
both film and television. Kroll co created, writes, produces, and
performs over his seventy five voices on the Emmy Award
winning Netflix animated series Big Mouth, which is based on
his childhood. As Big Mouth comes to an end, he

(10:04):
recently launched another series, this time for FX, called Adults.
He executive produces under his Good At Business banner and
also directs. Andrew Rannolds is a Grammy Award winning and
two time Tony Award nominated stage film and television actor
who can soon be seen in Lena Dunham's upcoming Netflix
comedy series Too Much. Jim Rashes, philm Miss You Love

(10:26):
You opposite Alison Janney, and co hosting Great American Baking
Show for Roku. Rannolds is best known for his role
as Elijah Krantz in the HBO series Girls opposite Lena Dunham,
and also as Matthew on Big Mouth, and currently you
can see Nick and Andrew starring opposite each other in

(10:47):
their new horror comedy I don't understand you. And before
we start this conversation, I do want to take a
moment to step out that this is so exciting for me.
I have always said, you know that this podcast really
exists because of my time on Big Mouth. I was
a writer on Big Mouth, also voiced Walter the Lovebug

(11:08):
was part of the spin off, and I just learned
so much about not just comedy, of course, comedy, right
like the comedy giants on that show, but compassion and
curiosity and how do you talk about the taboo things,
or the hard things, or the gross things, or the
weird things, or the sexy things. How do you talk

(11:29):
about it with all the laughter and joy that you
can muster, but also with compassion and heart and kindness.
And so, you know, tell me something Messy has a
direct thread and line to Big Mouth, And so to
have both Nick and Andrew on the show today is

(11:50):
really exciting. When I interviewed to be a writer on
the show, one of the things they were talking to
me about was the Matthew story. And Matthew, you know,
coming out to his mother, and you all know my
relationship to my mother. And so it's just a full
circle moment, you know, to twenty nineteen be a little

(12:10):
twenty eight, twenty nine year old stepping into becoming a
TV writer, and now you know, twenty twenty five, having Nick,
my old boss, and Andrew Reynolds join us on the show.
It's just ugh, it's so beautiful. Dreams come true. I
guess all that to say, Please continue following your dreams,

(12:31):
continue to dream big because you never know, you never
know where it'll take you. So without any further a deal,
please help me. Welcome Nick and Andrew, Hi bekji Hi,
here we are. We're doing this.

Speaker 4 (12:48):
Thank you for that lovely introduction.

Speaker 2 (12:51):
All right, before we get too far, let me give
you our messy mandates. Okay, so things get to be
on process. Any thoughts or opinion shared have the right
to shift, evolve, change today, tomorrow or ten years from now.
And if during the kiki something feels too personal or
unintentionally offends, we use the safe word foosball, which gives
us a second to pivot and address accordingly.

Speaker 1 (13:10):
Sound good, sounds great?

Speaker 4 (13:11):
That sounds great?

Speaker 2 (13:12):
Okay, perfect. Let's start with a lube breaker, a little
game of fuck mary block. I'll give you some prompts.
You'll tell me which one you fuck, which one you marry,
and which one you would block. Sound good? Perfect? First
one is aisle seat, middle seat, window seat, fuck mary block? Nick?

Speaker 1 (13:29):
Tell me what that window seat every time?

Speaker 2 (13:31):
No?

Speaker 1 (13:32):
Yeah, I want to lock that window seat. I want
to marry that window seat, and then I want to
block it because it's just too it gets too intense
for me.

Speaker 2 (13:41):
Yes.

Speaker 4 (13:42):
This tells us a lot about how Nick rolls Andrew.

Speaker 1 (13:44):
What if you chose, would you choose a middle seat?

Speaker 4 (13:47):
Would I choose a middle seat? No? No, no, I
would definitely block the middle seat. I would marry the
aisle seat, and then I would I would fuck the
window seat. I think the aisle seat, as I get
older is becoming more important to me because I do
like to be able to pee when I want to pee,
because I want to be able to get up and
not like excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. So if

(14:10):
I think the eyel is better.

Speaker 2 (14:12):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (14:12):
Do either of you have a trick for cutting off
conversation with a stranger, like you sitting down next to
somebody Like I just had this experience where I sat
down next to a man and I was like, fuck,
he's gonna want to talk like he's He was like, well,
good morning, and I was like no, no, no.

Speaker 2 (14:31):
No, oh no no no no no. I think you
have to you have to bring that you switch on
your AirPods to your big cans, oh, because then you
have to be like it's such a visual, the big headphones.
It's a visual that like I'm not here for you, babe,
and then you pop the edible in.

Speaker 1 (14:46):
I think I give off very not friendly, not mean,
but I don't give off I am here to chat
on the plane vibes really at all. I feel like you, Andrew,
you could, I could see you off like maybe like
I'm I'm I'm here to have a little.

Speaker 2 (15:04):
Andrew, little smiley. Are you smiling? And you ask some questions,
you ask some follow up questions. Maybe I used to
do a thing.

Speaker 4 (15:10):
I used to when I I was living in New
York and I dated this guy who lived in Cambridge,
in Boston, and I used to take the train up
all the time, and I had a trick that I
developed so people wouldn't sit next to me on the train,
which was when they would. When the train would stop,
I would violently air drum while people were looking for seats.

Speaker 2 (15:31):
That's brilliant.

Speaker 4 (15:32):
And I would like, I had my headphones on and
I would just like air drum, and then people would
walk by and look at me and be like no,
and then it would see And sometimes I could do
it all the way to Boston and like no one
would sit by me, and I would just like wait
until the train stopped, and like knew people were coming on,
and I'd just like start drumming.

Speaker 1 (15:49):
You know how Like some people when you're driving, they'll
like and they want to drive in the carpool in
They'll have a dummy like in the seat next to them.

Speaker 4 (15:56):
Uh huh.

Speaker 1 (15:57):
I'll bring like a dummy on the plane. I'll buy
a ticket for dummy, but I'll have it like sort
of bloodied, and I'll sort of be I'll be in
a fight with it. I'll be with a bloody dummy.
And then people tend to not want to sit next
to that, so.

Speaker 2 (16:12):
Much is it? Is it inflatable?

Speaker 1 (16:15):
Yeah, the co depending bloody dummy that I travel with,
which is confusing when I'm with my family then, but whatever.

Speaker 2 (16:22):
The dude you gotta do for the airplane period. Fuck
Mary Block cuddling making out massage.

Speaker 4 (16:28):
I'm gonna marry the making out. I'm gonna block the cuddle,
and I'm gonna fuck the massage. I mean, yeah, that's what.

Speaker 2 (16:39):
Yeah, Yeah, that sounds right. Fuck that massage. Have the ending.

Speaker 1 (16:45):
Yeah, I think Andrew and I I'm on the I'm
on the exact same page.

Speaker 2 (16:49):
I think I'm with y'all. I love a make out
last one. Fuck Mary Block sucking toes, locking ears, spanking
that ass.

Speaker 4 (16:58):
Oh yeah, I'm definitely gonna lock the toes. I'm blocking the.

Speaker 2 (17:02):
Toes, blocking the toes.

Speaker 4 (17:05):
I'm gonna yeah, I'll marry the ass and I'm gonna
fuck the ears.

Speaker 1 (17:15):
Really, we really got on big mouth that Jay like
to suck Lola's dirty little fucking toes all the time.
That was a real thing.

Speaker 2 (17:23):
That's a real thing on the animated series as low.

Speaker 1 (17:26):
It was like always fun to be like a little
you know, But I think I'm ultimately gonna.

Speaker 2 (17:35):
Dirty little.

Speaker 1 (17:37):
This little piggy and straight in your mouth bitch.

Speaker 4 (17:42):
So, Nick, do you think that when you die and
there's like an Emmy's in memoriam, that it's going to
be a clip of Lola.

Speaker 3 (17:52):
Questions something like that.

Speaker 1 (17:54):
By making Emmy's memorial, it will be my voice as
a dirty little girl.

Speaker 4 (18:01):
Fucking tone.

Speaker 2 (18:03):
By the way, y'all won the game and you win
my unconditional love. You won. It's crazy. Look at that.

Speaker 4 (18:08):
Yeah, crazy, we did it.

Speaker 2 (18:10):
You did it you guys. If you have problems, you
can email me at tell Me something Messy at gmail
dot com. Speaking of which, Nick and Andrew, you have
this messy ass movie? Can you tell me about it?

Speaker 3 (18:22):
No, we start in the movie.

Speaker 1 (18:32):
I don't understand you. It is a messy movie. We
uh me and Andrew are. We've been together like ten
years and we go to Italy. We're trying to like
kind of re like give me a little new spark
to marriage our our kid. We've been trying to adopt
a child unsuccessfully. We got scammed. And we go to

(18:54):
this uh like old lady's house in the middle of
nowhere in Italy to have like a delicious anniversary meal.
And then we just start murdering people, not entirely in perp.

Speaker 4 (19:07):
It starts as an accident and then it just snowballs,
as it so often does.

Speaker 2 (19:13):
As it does, as it does, you kill one, you
have to kill.

Speaker 4 (19:15):
More, accidentally kill one person, and it becomes this very
sort of farcical film about like how far will these
two guys go to start a family and how much
do they love each other and how much do they
want this kid? And it's a it's a you know,
it's a I think it's like a very fun sort

(19:35):
of mashup of several different styles. And you know, Nick
and I have I think that would sort of drew
us to it initially was that it was so many
different things and it kind of starts off in one
style and then very kind of quickly pivots into something
else and then kind of becomes, you know, uh, a farce,
wouldn't you say, Nick? I mean, it becomes like pretty

(19:56):
farcical in some ways.

Speaker 1 (19:58):
Uh, you can, it's pretty fartsicle. You have old Italian
man on popsicles and then we eat them.

Speaker 2 (20:07):
Oh, I love it, love this. This is this is
my kink. I love this perfect.

Speaker 1 (20:13):
I mean obviously the list no, the listeners know that popsicle.

Speaker 2 (20:19):
And I'm gonna put in my mouth everyone else. We've
actually talked about sport schools here, which is where you
haven't heard sport schools. Uh, it's where you more specifically,
what you do is you take your your juices. You'll
come whatever it is and a little juice to it,
put it in a popsicle thing and you freeze it
and then you can give it to your partner knowingly, no, no,

(20:47):
knowingly you would tell them that this is okay.

Speaker 1 (20:51):
You never know, you never do somebody with your.

Speaker 2 (20:55):
Never just like Frozer, like Jackass.

Speaker 4 (20:58):
But yeah problem, yeah, like Devo did it.

Speaker 2 (21:02):
Yeah, yeah, but it is. It is a It is
a kinky thing that people do. They they you know,
love on their partners squirts, their frozen squirts.

Speaker 4 (21:12):
Interesting.

Speaker 2 (21:13):
Yeah, I don't know how you would do with the
fart though.

Speaker 4 (21:15):
We're learning so much today, Nick.

Speaker 1 (21:17):
Yeah, there's that girl you did you know that? Do
you guys? Hear that story with that girl who like
bottled her farts jarred up or farts sell them online? Yeah,
and she got like something went wrong.

Speaker 5 (21:29):
Something something was already wrong, well, like making making real
money and then I think probably overproducing and like something
like some listeners.

Speaker 1 (21:43):
You guys, if you want to email, let us know,
but like something like overproduction. There was an overproduction and
something went wrong.

Speaker 2 (21:53):
So she was far too much.

Speaker 1 (21:54):
Yeah, they she was eating consuming something making your fart
too much because she had a man was there, so
she had to apply.

Speaker 2 (22:02):
Wow, because she had to supply the farts and put
them in the jars. I wonder how many she was
doing a week?

Speaker 4 (22:06):
Do we know this person?

Speaker 1 (22:08):
I'm trying to think, do you guys know who Evanka
Trump is? Now?

Speaker 4 (22:11):
Don't don't say name, don't.

Speaker 1 (22:16):
Nick the next ni a lass well half?

Speaker 2 (22:25):
Yeah? Got it? Perfect for here? Perfect? Shall we do
some mess email?

Speaker 4 (22:34):
Yes, answer questions.

Speaker 2 (22:37):
Perfect lovely well. As always, the missions remain anonymous. This
is a big mouth question. Somebody wrote this in so
here it is. They said, would you spit roast me
while I'm dressed as Jay, Nick as Lola and andrew S.
Matt remind Nick that it is Pride month, so he
needs to choose extra wisely or he will be getting
bad press. What do we think?

Speaker 1 (23:02):
Okay, so would you would I Spina?

Speaker 2 (23:06):
And Andrew is dresses Matt and this person is dressed
as Jay? Would you spit roast.

Speaker 1 (23:11):
I mean, of course I.

Speaker 2 (23:15):
Have.

Speaker 1 (23:15):
Yeah, I'm such a slave to the word though, I
have to say in in the you know, the last
episode of the show, no spoilers. This show's out now
a few weeks. Lola witnesses Jay, you know, give Matthew
a blow job. So it diegetically dramaturgically drama. Dramaturgically speaking,

(23:41):
it's hard for me to imagine myself on one end
of the spit roast when it feels as though I
should be witnessing and celebrating Andrew and Jay.

Speaker 2 (23:54):
You're right, especially during Pride.

Speaker 1 (23:57):
That's said all stuff. I'm like like a fucking pepper,
you know what I mean, Like, you know what I mean,
I'll do what I gotta do.

Speaker 5 (24:04):
Yeah, for Pride, for Pride, you're all.

Speaker 2 (24:09):
That's all it is.

Speaker 1 (24:09):
It's for Pride the Ultimate ally.

Speaker 2 (24:11):
Absolutely, the iconic Ally.

Speaker 1 (24:14):
That's my wrestling character, the Ultimate. It's like the Ultimate Warrior.
But I'm just an out like.

Speaker 2 (24:18):
You're just supporting the other wrestlers, advocating for their for
a better work condition, elevating, amplifying. Absolutely, yeah, period. Okay,
this question says how many flesh lights is too many?
Fleshlights to own. I saw a great question heart journalism.

(24:40):
I saw three on my boyfriend's counter, and that is
three more sex toys than he told me he owned.
I'm kind of hurt. Help so two parts, how many
sex toys? Is too many sex toys? And then also
just like are guys allowed to have sex toys? Is that? Like?
Why is that something to be hurt about?

Speaker 4 (24:58):
First of all, they're just she or he is specifically
saying there were three flesh lights.

Speaker 2 (25:03):
Right, there are three flesh lights, which I think is
a lot of flesh lights.

Speaker 4 (25:07):
It seems like that seems like too too many, Like
I think one is fine.

Speaker 2 (25:12):
Yeah right, yeah, I feel like only one.

Speaker 4 (25:15):
Unless he has like relationships with.

Speaker 2 (25:17):
Each of them.

Speaker 1 (25:18):
Is it like Jane's pillows where he has like a
different emotional relationship and like scenarios and like you know
that he has with each of those flesh lights.

Speaker 2 (25:28):
That could be true, Like he's named them each.

Speaker 1 (25:30):
It's like he's like Polly with flash lights, like he's
in a relationship with all of them.

Speaker 2 (25:36):
Yes, And maybe that's why this person is hurt, because
she wants to be involved in this relationship with her
boyfriend's flashlights. She wants to hear of the polycule, the
poly fleshed cule.

Speaker 1 (25:47):
Yeah, but that's tricky.

Speaker 4 (25:50):
I mean, I think it's I think it's okay that
you have them, but yeah, that might be too many.
This just reminds me though, of like when I was
like eighteen and I and I went into a like
a sex store for the first time, and I saw
that you could buy specific porn stars penises and they

(26:10):
were selling a Jeff's unis and it was like a
mold of his dick and you could buy it and
like do stuff with it, I guess, or just have it.
I don't know, but I had never and I guess
that's a very that's a very common thing. And in fact,
I've gotten as birthday gifts for people. They sell kits
that you can make your.

Speaker 2 (26:30):
Own Clona dildo, Clona Willie, Yes, and I've gotten.

Speaker 4 (26:35):
Them for people. It's like such a cheap gift that
you buy and you're like, go fuck yourself, Like that's
just that's the car for the listeners.

Speaker 1 (26:46):
Wow, that's one of the interesting idea of molding your
own dick to fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself.

Speaker 2 (26:52):
Yeah, yeah, my friend gave me that for a birthday game.
I haven't done it because it's like too much arts
and crafts, Like you got to like mix the batter
up and then you gotta get hard you put. It
just seems like I feel like I need a tutorial.
It just seems like a lot of work.

Speaker 1 (27:04):
Yeah, just ch into an ice tray, make yourself some squirtsicle.

Speaker 2 (27:08):
That's there, we go. That's more easier, you know, coming
into an ice tray feels a lot easier than making
a dildo. So I like.

Speaker 1 (27:18):
Thing you are coming into being, Like, okay, all right,
three down, we got mine to go.

Speaker 2 (27:25):
My god, this one says I've been discovering my kinky
topside and I love face slapping my boyfriend. I'm curious
what do y'all think about, like getting slapped in the face.
Is that a turn on? Or are there anythings that
you've like discovered about yourself that you're like, Oh, I
love this thing. This is unlocked for me that brings

(27:45):
me pleasure. It could be sexually romantically.

Speaker 1 (27:47):
I wish I had a little more of that in me,
but I it doesn't eat both ways. It doesn't seem
to be really my thing. Yeah, yeah, especially I wish
I also think especially with like a long term partner
I've found at least like it feels it just feels

(28:08):
incongruous at least and how and I might just be
a bit of a proud but it feels incongruous with
my relationship in a way you can't seem to move past.

Speaker 4 (28:18):
Well, like tonight, want you want a smack her, but
you're not.

Speaker 1 (28:24):
Going to I want to get I wish I would
just let her absolutely, And I like.

Speaker 4 (28:34):
Well, maybe that's you and maybe you and your wife
should start more of like a fight club rather than
do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 (28:41):
Just like go down or and this is a or
like a pie pie, like a funny pie in the face.

Speaker 2 (28:50):
Oh yeah, that could be hot. That's a cank food.
Play it off.

Speaker 1 (28:55):
Yeah, like giz into a blender, whip it up like
whipped cream, and then use that your pie.

Speaker 2 (29:01):
You got ideas ideas?

Speaker 4 (29:04):
Can I?

Speaker 2 (29:04):
Can?

Speaker 4 (29:04):
I tell everyone what we did during our virtual press
drunket what you said? Sure, we were getting a little punchy.
We were doing a bunch of interviews in a row
and and this woman said, how did you guys meet?
And I said Craig's List, which I thought was like
end of joke. And then Nick because he's so fucking funny.

(29:24):
He said, Andrew was looking for a desk lamp and
I was looking for somebody to come into my food.
And I couldn't. I couldn't recover for like wake up Cleveland.
I couldn't do it. That was the end. I was like, well,
we're done.

Speaker 2 (29:42):
Incredible, incredible.

Speaker 1 (29:46):
The only revision I have is that it was to
come on my food. Yes, for full journalistic transparency.

Speaker 2 (29:57):
That's yes. You wanted an accent, you want to a
little drizzle. It's a cherry, it's not it's not the
substance of the food.

Speaker 1 (30:04):
When I started acting, and when I was not, like
Craigslist was there wasn't much Internet like to find stuff
online of like jobs like acting you'd got. I would
was on Craigslist in the early two thousands trying to
like because they're like there was like open call for
commercial or whatever. So I was on Craigslist a lot
in that time. And but there was and there was

(30:24):
like misconnections, yes, casual and casual encounters, and casual encounters
was always like it's it's probably it's snowing in my blaze.
If anybody wants to four to twenty, and it was
like the way to be like come over and let's
smoke weed, fuck or whatever, you know what I mean.
It was like it had to be kept very kind
of open, and so I'd read all those and then

(30:46):
there was just one that was like I want someone
to come over and come on my food, and it
just stuck with me forever, as like what a.

Speaker 2 (30:55):
What a specific canke? And this person will probably like squirtsicles,
Oh they like yeah, if they like come on the food,
They're like a frozen.

Speaker 1 (31:02):
I have crowns, I have van ears, and so I
just can't eat anything cold.

Speaker 2 (31:07):
But this question says my partner and I recently had
our second kid and both are under the age of five.
While fatherhood has been a beautiful gift, I don't recognize
myself anymore. I love my kids, but I miss my

(31:29):
old life and feel like I'm not allowed to say that.
Sometimes I feel myself getting angry or resentful, and I
don't want my kids to pick up on that. And
I don't want to withdraw in the way my father
did and become stoic, hardened figurehead for the kids or
my partner. Can anyone in the community or any of
your guests talk about how to become a to use
your word soft father and partner while also retaining my

(31:52):
individual personhood.

Speaker 1 (31:53):
That's the ultimate question about parenthood, frankly, is like it's
such a beautiful and joyful thing, and it is a
massive recalibration of your identity, especially for me because it
was it was in Congress with getting married, so it
was like, so it's a it's this like you're you're

(32:14):
you're partnering with this person and then also then having kids.
I have two kids under five, and it is just
this re massive recalibration of priority and responsibility and and
trying to figure out how to maintain one's individual self
inside of this larger entity that requires so much of you.

(32:36):
And I think it's like for me, I'm I'm trying
to get better and it's not my strong suit. Is
like planning. I think it comes down to like planning
the and figure out what it is that you want.
And the way that you can do keep maintaining your
individual identity is to be better. At least I can
speak to myself and being like, yeah, okay, a week
from now, I really want to have dinner with my

(32:57):
friend so I'm going to schedule that a week too
from now, or I know a priorities for me to
play soccer like on a Sunday, so that I have
to like think about that and figure that out and
get that on a schedule so that everyone in my
family is prepared for me to be gone Sunday morning
when we would normally all be together. That's what I

(33:18):
am I need to get. It's advice that I need
to give myself because I'm not great at that. Because
I was an individual who kind of like had a
lot of control over my life and therefore could come
kind of come and go as I pleased. And so
that that's what I've I have. I'm i am endeavoring
to do.

Speaker 2 (33:36):
It's like learning about planning ahead, kind of calendaring and
like setting aside intentional time that is going to be
yours where you can kind of just be your person
as opposed to needing.

Speaker 1 (33:46):
To be and whatever it is, like sitting on the
couch watching TV, going to the gym, yeah, going at
like having drinks, like going away with a friend or
or a sibling or you know, or just sitting on
your phone with your fucking brain off for forty five. Sure,
whatever it is, but you really kind of you have
to plan it.

Speaker 4 (34:06):
My boyfriend's kids were six when we started dating, so
they were you know, older than this, you know than
this this person was asking about. But I will say
now they're twelve, and it does get progressively easier as
they get a little more independent and you can kind
of and actually and they start having their own stuff

(34:27):
going on, so like they have their own play dates
or games at school or whatever it is. Like I
have found as they get older, it's like starting to
get a little bit easier to find that time naturally,
but like you know, until they're really like of school age,
it's just tough because they're just around all the time

(34:48):
and they can't do anything. I mean, you shouldn't leave
them alone. You can't just like leave them. That's not cool.
Turns out, Yeah, so you really do have to have
have a plan. You do have to have a plan.
But I don't know. They also they also, the kids,
they change so quickly that I find that their personalities,

(35:10):
even from like you know, month to month sort of
develop and change and shift, and like it does become
more fun in a lot of ways to get to
spend time with them, I'm finding, So it's yeah, I
definitely it starts to get easier. But I'm sure if
you've got two kids under five, that's got to feel
like you're like.

Speaker 2 (35:34):
Yeah, how do you manage? I think also because right
there there, to me, there are three things happening. There's
like fatherhood, but there's still like you being a partner,
and then there's your individuality as well. So how are
you navigating I think the partnership as well? Like are
you able to sense when the stress that we're feeling
as partners is about the kids or is it about

(35:56):
I need more of my own time? Like how are
you navigating the partners and staying soft with each other?
Because you know, I think sometimes added stresses reflects or
acts out in the relationship, and so I'm curious how
you get ahead of that or identify that.

Speaker 4 (36:15):
I mean, I think for Tuck and I we definitely
do a lot of we kind of try to get
ahead of that in terms of like making the plans
to have time alone and to have like you know,
as silly as it sounds like, to still go on
dates and to do things like that, like that's a
real priority for us, is to like maintain that. Now
we also have this like this extra kind of complication

(36:37):
but sometimes works in our favor of we're both actors
and we both travel a lot. Yeah, so there is
built in time alone that is sometimes great and sometimes lonely.
And but because of that separation, I think the coming
back together sort of naturally forces you to like reevaluate
the relationship and sort of you know, miss the person.

(36:58):
And that's a real think that's sort of underrated, is too.
Sometimes it's nice to miss someone, yeah, to not always
be around them. We have we've introduced a little bit
of a of a like a restart rule if you
start off on the wrong foot in a conversation or
if you're like if there is a miscommunication happening, that

(37:21):
we will literally say, like I think we just need
to like reset, like let's do it. Let's do another
take essentially, and like do it again. I'll be nicer,
you be nicer, and let's try it again.

Speaker 2 (37:42):
Talking about masculinity and men and fathers in particular, I
think a lot of people have had relationships with fathers
that are less emotional. Right, Like, usually we see men
being masculine, we we equate that with like kind of
less emotion, whereas moms tend to be little in that
feminine space and so far more maternal nurturing. What I

(38:05):
know about the two of you as individuals is that
you're both quite open hearted and soft and caring. And
I'm just wondering were your guardians or your parents that
way too, or is that something you've had to learn
as men to become softer so that you're not presenting
as a hard figure head as this person was asking, like,

(38:25):
I don't want to withdraw and become like my parent,
who was a harder father. And so I'm wondering where
you've learned as men your kind of open heartedness and
your your softness, if you will.

Speaker 4 (38:38):
My dad was pretty he was pretty sensitive in a
lot of ways. My mom was actually the one who's
like a little while while still very loving, Like her
vocabulary was a little sharp. And I have that. I
have that sort of if I don't like something, it's
I don't like it, I don't want that, or you know,

(39:01):
let's figure out a different way to do it. And
I've been accused many times over the years of just
being like a little too short, and I know that
I still do it with tux kids, and it's like
something that I always have to keep an eye on
of like what is what is your tone? What's your
tone right now? Because I can say something that's like

(39:21):
perfectly supportive on paper, but my tone can be kind
of cunty sometimes. I guess maybe that's my default. So
it's nice to hear you say that I seem open hearted,
But I think it's just like it's a constant for me.
It's like having just to be constantly in check of
that and like making sure, especially with kids, of like

(39:44):
how is this gonna how is this going to be perceived?
That's like a big fear of mine that you know,
in twenty years, one of these kids is going to
be talking to a therapist about one thing I said
on a Wednesday in January in two thousand and twenty,
and that's going to be the thing that's lodged in
their head. Because you know, I have things that I
remember that my parents said that My mom doesn't remember

(40:07):
saying half that shit because she was like overwhelmed or
busy or like doing something else and she doesn't remember.
So that's something that I definitely spend probably too much
time thinking about is like, how is this going to
be remembered? How's that going to come across?

Speaker 1 (40:24):
My father feels more straight like period. My father feels
more like more classically like he's a very warm, incredibly
warm man, but it feels much more kind of you know,
so much of his generational like how how men have

(40:44):
been taught or you know, to act. But I guess
it's interesting hearing Andrew like it's not gendered how parents
can can be sensitive or stern or whatever. I think
you're right, like, I think it oftentimes gets put in like, well,
of course moms are going to be more one way
or the person in the relationship who takes on to

(41:07):
some of that those traits. But I think in my case,
my dad is a very warm person, even if he
is feels more classically like masculine father figure and isn't
necessarily up for delving emotionally into every crevice of you

(41:29):
know things, So but I think he's always been warm
and that was modeled to me, and I think that
that has made it easier for me to continue that journey.
But now again as a father, I find myself being
sort of stern and it does feel like sometimes my
role to be like, no, we don't do that, like
in a classic like there is something gendered inside of

(41:52):
these things, or at least that I feel the pressure
or default too to take a slightly more sharp, stern
regulate regulatory role in my parenting. That surprises me and
is something that I'm like, some version of this is healthy,

(42:14):
but whatever I just did was not the healthy version
of it. That was I was short, or I was dismissive,
or I was anger. I let I lead with like
anger and frustration versus like empathy and compact or compassion.
So it's something that I or patience to just allow

(42:36):
something like allow an emotion to hit me and just
be like, Okay, that's all right, that's what he that's
what they're feeling right now, that's okay, instead of like
kind of coming back with a finger pointing, you know.
So it's something that I'm working on.

Speaker 2 (42:51):
I always say I'm a recovering perfectionist and so like,
I like to do things perfectly, and one of the
things that scares me about kids is that you can't
do it perfectly, like there will be mess ups. And
so I'm so curious how you take care of yourself
when you're like, oh, I shouldn't have said it like that,
or I wish I did it differently, like in that
what Andrew was saying like being remembered, Like how do
you kind of bring some peace to that or release

(43:12):
that so you can continue parenting? But of course you're
going to feel that sting. So I'm wondering, like I
think sometimes I'll say this with my mother when that
sting would come up, she just got harder instead of softer,
And so I'm wondering, like when you experience yourself and
you're like, ugh, I wish I said it differently, or
how do you make peace with yourself and kind of
let it be okay and not like spiral around it.

Speaker 1 (43:36):
Well, I think you either you both like long term everything,
know that everything is this like ongoing journey and that
the next time you endeavor to do better. But I'm
trying to get better at in the moment being like, yeah,
I said that wrong, and be like like, I think
it's powerful, especially for kids to see you model like

(43:58):
to admit a mistake or I admit a misstep and
try to in real time recover from it in a
healthy way, not just not just sort of bend over
but like, you know, unless that's the you.

Speaker 2 (44:16):
Know us.

Speaker 1 (44:18):
But like, but I mean I mean to say, like
to be like, you know what I mean. I did
it with my kid yesterday where I screamed at him
and I was like, no, you know, I there was
no need for me to yell at you right then.
That was not necessary. What I'm trying to tell you
was this, you know, and like, so trying to honestly
when Andrews talking about earlier of resetting of just being like,

(44:39):
let me just reset, let me apologize for my tone there,
that's what I want. That's not what I mean. That's
not how I meant to tell you this. Like let's
take a step back and and then also and still
have the same point of view, like still have the
same point to be made, but just make it in
a different tone and and make it in you know.

Speaker 2 (44:57):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (44:58):
And I found and just mo that you can make
a mistake, apologize and move forward.

Speaker 2 (45:02):
That is powerful.

Speaker 4 (45:04):
There's a lot of parenting that I'm finding that is
repair work. It's sometimes not realizing until later being like
and in my relationship too, that in any relationship that
you can hopefully always go back and repair and say
like so that thing that happened or the way that

(45:25):
I said that, or the way that we you know,
sort of work through that. I feel like even if
it happens the next morning with you know, with the kids,
if it's like something that happened like before bedtime, and
then in the morning, I'm like, so last night, I
didn't handle that great or I was really taught. Like
I think what Nick is saying is exactly what, you know,
what I tried to do. And I think what we
try to do in the house is like catch yourself

(45:47):
as quickly as possible. But even if you catch yourself
like a couple hours later, like you can still go
back and be like, hey, by the way, I didn't
mean to say that like that. And I have noticed
when I do it, and I'm not saying that I
do this perfectly, but when I have done it, the
kids respond well to it, and it sort of leads
to some interesting conversations about like, you know, like why

(46:13):
did you behave that way or why did that make
you upset? Or why shouldn't I do that? Or it
just kind of opens the door up a little bit,
I think, but I'm not you know, it's like catching
yourself in the moment is real fucking hard. And there
are times where you're like you're like making dinner and
something's happening, and then you're just like sit down and that,
and sometimes that happens and then you have to go

(46:34):
back and be like, oh sorry, I yelled at you
to sit down, But you know it gets But if
you can catch yourself as soon you can catch yourself,
that's great, but like certainly very difficult for me to
do it in real time.

Speaker 2 (46:48):
Yeah, it's funny. I think I entered this conversation or
this question thinking that, like soft Father was like, you're
just kind of always in that from You're always a
little stone and you're just like living in that like
half place. But it actually is about the repair of it.
Would that be great, But it's actually about the ability
to repair and how quickly you can catch yourself and

(47:10):
your willingness to communicate, whether it's with your kids or
with your partner. It's the willingness to be I think,
awake and aware and like see this thing moving and
shifting and moving and shifting with it, as opposed to
sticking your ground and being like it's this way and
this is how I'm going to do it, but it
sounds from both of you there is a flexibility in
how you're approaching this and also a grace that you're

(47:34):
giving yourself, you know, like that like I'm a human
and this is part of my humanity, is that, like
I'm not always going to get everything correct, and that
actually is what allows me to be a softer parent.

Speaker 1 (47:46):
Yeah. Well, I think it's reframing masculinity to be something
that like to take out the idea of toxicity, but
to maintain the idea of masculinity of maintaining like being
able to be a container for your partner, for your children,
to be strong enough to be that container. But that

(48:12):
doesn't mean that has to be in a like classic
sort of shut down, stern way. But like, I don't
think inherently being like a strong masculine figure there's anything
but like beauty in that. But I think it's trying
to figure out how to do that in a modern

(48:33):
way is something that I think we're all trying to
figure out.

Speaker 2 (48:36):
Yeah, yeah, all right, I'm gonna ask all the last
two questions we ask everyone here. The first one's gonna
be a little shocking, So I'm gonna tone shift that's up.
Have you ever had sex on a port? No? No, no,
not a not a a regular body. Yes.

Speaker 1 (49:00):
Would you consider if I consider a port a potty
of fleshlight, that's what my fleshlight is? Does that would
you consider that with a.

Speaker 2 (49:11):
With a wow? Yes, if the fleshlight is a porter body.

Speaker 1 (49:16):
I was at a music festival. Did a reverse glory
hole where cut a hole in the cut a hole
in it?

Speaker 2 (49:26):
Got it? You always have that knife with you comes
in handy every time.

Speaker 1 (49:32):
Knife, but then a little silicone as well. You cut
through hard plastic.

Speaker 2 (49:39):
You gotta have a little silicon. So don't want to
rate your dick at the same time. Absolutely, And the
last question is what could you learn to love about yourself?

Speaker 1 (49:50):
You'll stay on fatherhood in marriage like it. Uh, it
can be easy to as as your emailer said earlier,
like lose your self inside of this stuff. So I
could learn to I could still try to figure out
how to like feel like it's the older you get
and the more responsibility to feel like young and hot
and sexy. So I'm like, that's that's was with young

(50:14):
children around. That's the questions like how do you? How
do you That's what I am endeavoring to like, yeah,
well myself as like a like how I did before
when I was like, you know, the narcissism of being
a single person, like and how much you could kind
of be into yourself, Like yes, maintaining.

Speaker 2 (50:35):
That that makes sense, like loving this new, this new
version of yourself.

Speaker 4 (50:40):
I think, yeah, I would. I would echo something very
similar that I think that I was sort of. It
can often be resistant to change, so like learning to
sort of update what sort of what version of myself
I'm at right now, and that it's not It is
going to change and it is going to adjust. And

(51:01):
I think, especially as an actor, I've kind of frozen
myself in this like in an age range that's probably
like late twenties and I'm like late forties, and so
that needs to be updated, right, Like it all needs
to be updated. And it doesn't necessarily mean that there's

(51:21):
something bad about that, or there's something negative that's happening,
or that I'm somehow losing something and getting older. It's
just it's gonna shift. And if I look back at
that kid, if I look back at like the twenty
seven year old version, I don't really want to go
back to that like he was very lean and I

(51:42):
do miss that sometimes, but but I don't really want
to go back.

Speaker 5 (51:47):
I think I'm Andrew, so do I, sweetheart.

Speaker 4 (51:53):
No, I'm trying to. I'm trying to love the forty
seven year old version.

Speaker 2 (51:59):
Yeah, I get that.

Speaker 1 (52:01):
I'll just say this not hard for me to love it.

Speaker 4 (52:04):
Maybe back at.

Speaker 2 (52:08):
You, kiss, kiss kids, kiss, Thank you both for being here.
This was incredible and I learned so much and I'm
just so grateful for the two of you and much
success on. I don't understand you. I can't wait to
watch I saw. I won't watch the trailer. It's in
theaters now, Yeah, guys.

Speaker 1 (52:29):
I will just because it's a fun movie theater because
it's it's like funny and also like jump scare, thrillery
kind of stuff, so it's a fun.

Speaker 2 (52:39):
I don't like horror, but I like the two of y'all.

Speaker 1 (52:42):
Horror.

Speaker 2 (52:44):
It's like, okay, cool, great, thank y'all.

Speaker 4 (52:48):
Thank you.

Speaker 2 (53:00):
Well, you know we are hose here, but hose with heart.
So before we part ways, let me speak to yours.
You know, I'm a doul little homekeeping, which is if
you enjoyed that conversation with Nick and Andrew, Please rate, review,
and subscribe to our podcast. It helps us grow the
show and advocate for and even bigger and more fabulous
Season two. Okay, things that I learned. We have to

(53:22):
start here because we talked a lot about the partsicles
and the sports cales, so we you know, Vincent, our producer,
looked this up. This woman was from ninety fiance, which
I know somebody i'all watch. She made two hundred and
seventy two thousand dollars. You know how much the jars
of farts she was selling for. Guess how many Just
guess how much one jar at these farts cost if

(53:44):
you wanted to buy these farts from her. Twelve hundred dollars. Yeah, babe,
I had. I had to ask back, Vince said, of
a twelve hundred, I was like, you said twelve, right,
you mean twelve dollars, twelve hundred dollars and she would
sell like fifty a week. The demand, the demand, I'm
in the we are all of us are in the
wrong fucking business because what And apparently she stopped because

(54:09):
she was feeling really intense gas pay, which apparently was
just too much fiber and beans. I would have kept
farted I don't know, two hundred and seventy two thousand
dollars off of some jars with farts twelve hundred, I
would just fart one. I would do one a week.
Twelve und dollars a week is enough, Like I'm not
trying to be greedy or two. Like you know what
I'm saying. Plus I have a regular job. I would y'all.

(54:31):
All I'm saying is if y'all see me on a yacht,
if y'all see me on a yacht somewhere, just know
I started a new business. Okay, because I don't even
fucking like the I don't like the motion like that.
But if I'm before twelve dollars a jar, I will
own a yacht. I will ever be on it, but

(54:51):
I will own it. Okay, shut the fuck up, all right?
What else in this conversation, I really you know, I'm
talking about parenting and you know, retaining one's individuality and
personhood while being a father and also being a partner.
This scheduling nick talking about like you know, calendaring time.

(55:13):
I know I want to see this friend. I know
I want to sit on the couch and know I
want to you know, have a date night, whatever it is,
but just starting to get into your calendar. I am.
I think that a lot of us are avoid calendars.
You know, we've talked about scheduling sex here with doctor
Vanessa Marrin and how you know, the things that you
want to do, the things that are priority are scheduled.

(55:34):
Even you know, people think that scheduling sex is uh,
not spontaneous, not fun. But as doctor Vanessa Maryon pointed out,
it's like when you're dating somebody in those early stages,
you know when you're about to go on that date,
you know you've made it, you've planned that date, you
know what's going to happen on that date, so you've
made appropriate adjustments to your life so that you can
be ready to fuck on that date. But then when

(55:55):
you get into a relationship where you get married or
you have the kids, and suddenly it's not spontaneous as schedule. No,
it's always. We always schedule the things that are priority
to us. So be that sex, be that time alone,
be that time with our partners. If it is important
to you, put it on the calendar. I mean, you know,
I wish, I wish that we lived in a society

(56:17):
or in a culture where I cal wasn't necessary, where
we could just show up to things when we felt
like it or do things. I've heard one of my
friends is in Spain right now, and he says, the
doctors don't be showing up. Sometimes the doctors be canceling
you because they got to the plans. They got to
the plans of the day. Like there's a culturally it's
understood that like people you know will lose track of time.

(56:38):
But here in the States, you know, we are very
much on our calendar, girlies. And so I think scheduling
time for yourself time where you're like, I don't have
to think about the kids. I know the kids are covered,
I know my partner's covered, and I can just do
this thirty minutes or this hour or this two hours
or this day or this weekend with myself and it

(57:00):
and be whatever I want it to be. I think
is such a such great, great advice. I also love
the restart rule when it comes to like conversations and
communicating with your partner. One of my favorite conflict resolution
tactics is asking the person you know, what did you
hear and what did I say? And do those two

(57:22):
things match? So if like somebody's getting a little agitated,
it's like, wait, what did you hear me say? And
let them repeat it back? That is what I would
you say, And then you can kind of get into
the weeds of like what was actually being said. Maybe
maybe I were interpreting the wrong words wrong, or maybe
something I said is triggering it so you're not hearing
it correctly, and so a restart is necessary, And so

(57:43):
any kind of tool that allows you to take a
moment and pause, because at the end of the day,
we're on each other's team, right, Like, if I'm in
partnership with this person, I'm on your team. I'm not
trying to be against you. So fighting you is not
the goal here. The goal is under standing. It's not
to be right, it's not to be it's not to

(58:03):
prove that I'm better or that I know more. It's
to understand. And so having some kind of rule in
place that allows you to communicate better, I think is
so invaluable. So I love that restart rule. Masculinity and
what is masculinity? You know, I think the term toxic
masculinity has been so overused, and you know, I think

(58:28):
that it obviously has some some importance, right, like we
want it, we need to address a thing. But also
I think there might be a place we've gotten to
where now all masculinity is just defaulted as toxic, and
there is beauty in masculinity as there is in femininity,
and where they intersect, we all we all contain those
multitudes and they're all beautiful. But I think redefining what

(58:51):
is masculinity. And so I really loved when Nick said,
you know, it's kind of this. It's this strong container
to to old family and to hold everything, but also
that there is space for it to be softer in
whether it's in warmth, whether it's in communication, whether it's

(59:15):
in repair. You know, I think I think that old
views of masculinity is I'm always right, you're always wrong.
I think the new age of masculinity is, yes, I
can still be strong, and I can still be a provider,
just as much as the feminine counterpart can be a provider.
But also like I'm I'm gonna be curious here, I'm
gonna ask questions. If I fuck up, I'm gonna say

(59:37):
I fucked up. I'm going to repair if I said
something wrong to my kid, I'm not going to try
and hold pretenses like I'm you know, deity, I'm gonna
come down and say, oh, my goodness, I shouldn't have
said it like that, or should have asked a different question,
or you know, daddy was stressed and shouldn't have taken
out out in that way. And I'm going to get
better at at not doing that, better at catching myself

(59:58):
sooner that masculinity also gets to be nurturing, also gets
to be curious, also gets to be soft without losing
any of its strength. I said this on a talk,
you know, I think that we view strength as like
this heroic and weakness as this cowering. And I think

(01:00:21):
that weakness is the inability to ask for help. That
is a weakness. I think weakness is the inability to
be curious. That's a weakness because that's just going to
cause blind spots. Your strength is not about how macho
macho you are. Your strength is your ability to say
what you need to schedule time for yourself, to communicate

(01:00:47):
with your partner, to preempt a problem and say hey,
let's collaborate on how to avoid that happening, and also repair.
I think it's a massive part of masculinity, and probably
in an important part because societally, you know, with patriarchy
being such a main lens in which we view things,

(01:01:07):
we know that patriarchy is very aggressive and violent and
doesn't apologize. And so I think the I think the
modern age of masculinity is to go against that and
is to say no, no, no, I'm human, and so
I am fallible and I get to own my mistakes.
It doesn't make me any less of a man, doesn't

(01:01:29):
make me any less masculine, doesn't make me any less
of a human. In fact, it makes me more so
those things. I think it's the inability to do that
that makes you this archetype of a man as opposed
to just being a man. And a man cares, you
know what I'm saying, A man loves also, you know,

(01:01:50):
giving yourself grace when you fuck it up. You know,
Andrew said that thing of like how all the kids remember?
And I can only imagine that that is something that
you know is an that many parents are you know,
is circulating in your head like, oh God, what are
they going to complain about in therapy about me? You
know saying and listen, we all like in therapy, baby,
it always goes back to family. If that's one thing

(01:02:12):
that I've learned across every all my friends who go
to therapy, we spend a lot of time talking about
what our moms and dads and grandparents and what the
family did. So for sure, I don't know if there's
any way to avoid that other than being the parent
who talks to your kid. Not that you won't be
talked about in therapy. You might be talking about in therapy,
but like a way to I think create less harm, right,

(01:02:35):
because there will be No one is perfect, So in
any relationship there will be ruptures. But I think so
that those ruptures get healed and repaired. It's the communication.
It's admitting when you got something wrong. It's asking how
your kid is feeling, or how your partner is feeling.
Is there anything I can be doing better? I think
sometimes we don't ask the questions for fear that something

(01:02:59):
is wrong or we don't think to ask it. And
I think that sometimes it's good to be like, hey,
maybe nothing is wrong, but maybe something is and we
just need to create space for it to be said.
So let me ask you, how are you feeling? What
do you need more of? Is what are the ways
in which I can show better for you? What are
the ways in which I can support you more? I
think even that alone, those questions alone will keep you

(01:03:21):
off the therapist couch, not completely, this till I'll talk
about you a little bit. But you know, they won't
talk to you, they won't talk about you crazy, they
won't talk you too bad because you were actually interested
in them, You were actually trying to create a space
for them. So yeah, anyways, letting yourself off the hook
sometimes because you are going to get things wrong and

(01:03:43):
you are going to fuck up, and there are going
to be things that are remembered. But what's your intention
and how can you repair and how can you do
so quickly? Yeah, I'm so curious. What are your takeaways
and things that you've learned. You can email me tell
me something messy at gmail dot com, or you can
hit up my stepstack Brandon Kalk dot substack dot com. Also,
do not forget to check out Nick Andrews new movie

(01:04:05):
I Don't Understand You in theaters now. I can't wait
to see it. I mean, they're, as you can tell,
just a hilarious duo and so a movie about them
being married couple accidentally killing people and then only it
just sounds like, uh, it just sounds like a good time,
sounds like sounds like good, good content. So I can't wait. Yeah,

(01:04:28):
all right, I love you. You can find me on
Instagram as well at Brandon Kyle Goodman. You can find
our podcasts at tell Me Something Messy, and you can
join our community on the Messy Monday's substack. When you subscribe,
you'll get weekly posts, recommendations on sex and self and

(01:04:49):
so much more. Also, I want to hear from you,
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You can also call us at six sixty nine sixty
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(01:05:11):
with all your hoe and aspiring hoe friends. Really really
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about the politics of that dick before you make it spit,
make sure they eat the kitty before they beat the kitty,
before fuckation or succation communication. And in case you haven't
heard it yet, today you are so deeply loved. I

(01:05:33):
love you. Bye, Thank you so much for listening to
Tell Me Something Messy. If you all enjoyed the show,
send the episode to someone else you might like it.
Tell Me Something Messy was executive produced by Ali Perry,

(01:05:56):
Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly. Our producer and editor is
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