August 7, 2025 • 42 mins
Brandon shares the story of an event that happened to them last September. Trigger Warning: This episode contains discussion of sexual assault.
Brandon's Substack article: https://brandonkylegoodman.substack.com/p/now-that-you-know-what-happened-to
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
You know what, this is a safe space to talk
about relationships, love and sex. Now let me tell you
something messy. Hi. I know we're on hiatus, but I
had to drop this very special episode for you or
I was ready to. We have a lot of unpacking
to do and there's a lot to get into.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Trigger warning.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
This episode is about sexual assault and something that happened
to me last September, not too long after the launch
of our podcast, and I, you know, my workaholic brain
or whatever it is, decided to get into the booth
and tell the story only a few days after. And
I'm glad I did that because even now listening to
(00:48):
the episode again, it was important that I'm someone who
detaches and will shut down and compartmentalize and forget a
thing happens. And it's something I'm working on learning through
therapy how to use my voice. You know, it's funny.
I'm a podcast so like I use my voice, But
(01:08):
there are elements in my life and my personal life,
especially when there's conflict where you know, as an avoidantly
attached person, I sometimes forget to use my voice and
I clean things up. So for whatever reason, there was
some clarity that said I needed to to tell the
story and then I could decide later what to do
(01:30):
with it. What we ended up doing is after I
got into the booth, and we scheduled some time to
have conversations with other therapists and sex educators. So here's
how we're gonna break this down. I'm gonna do this
in three parts, so the first and second part are
(01:52):
available now, and the third part will drop next week.
In this first part, because I really want to take
care of you and and meet you where you are,
So in this first part, I'm going to you're gonna
hear me recount the story. And then the second episode
we'll talk to you doctor Raquel Martin and doctor Vanessa
(02:14):
Marin specifically about, you know, how do you take care
of yourself after something like this happens? Uh?
Speaker 2 (02:21):
And also how do.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
You regain your safety and your sexuality and your your
you you know, get back into your sex life after
something of this happens. And another part with doctor Matthew
Brinkley UH and doctor Emilinagoski will dive deeper into race
(02:43):
and queerness and being two male bodies and the unpacking
of that. And then also how do you show up
for a partner or a friend or someone you love
who has experienced sexual assault or sexual violence. So it
wo'll be the three parts. Listen, this is a heavier topic,
(03:10):
but it is incredibly important that we talk about this,
that we talk about sexual assault and sexual violence, that
we know how to protect ourselves, that we know how
to recover, how to heal, how to protect those around us,
how to help them recover and heal. And so I
(03:30):
do hope that you will take the time to listen,
but as I will remind you, go slow. If you
need to pause, pause, if you need to take a
break after an interview or after do it and come
back to it. Don't feel like you gotta listen to
it all in one sitting. But also if you are
like I need to get all in one sitting, then
(03:51):
do that. Whatever, just listen to your heart, whatever settles
your spirit, your heart, whatever path your heart wants to
go down. In terms of consuming this content, consuming these
stories and these interviews and this information, to that, Okay,
I love you so much and thank you, thank you
(04:12):
for being here. All right, let's get into the recounting
of the story that I did just a few days
after it happened last September. On this show, we are
(04:33):
billed as a comedy, sex positive show, and so it's
important to me that we are able to laugh here
and find joy and all the things around pleasure and
sex and dating and love and relationships. But also we
do a lot of education here as well. You know,
you've been listening for a little bit, so you know
that we talked to sexperts and other experts and celebs
(04:54):
and some of my chosen fam But you know, we
don't talk about because it's it's not funny or fun
but I think it is important that our platform addresses
it is sexual assault. So this is a trigger warning,
heads up that I'm about to tell you a story
of something that just happened to me. And I'm fine,
(05:19):
I'm safe, I'm good. But I do want to share
it because perhaps it will help somebody else if you
find yourself in this situation, perhaps it might help you
feel less shame, because I know that I feel a.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Lot of shame around.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
What happened to me, and I you know, I'll let
you know that I've already you know, engaged my community.
I talk to my therapist, and so I know that
there's nothing for me to be ashamed of, but it
doesn't mean that I haven't felt it. And so, you know,
I think that we often don't talk about these things
because they're harder, because they're uncomfortable, because they're not fun.
(05:59):
But we should so that we all know how to
whether it's protect ourselves or show up for our friends,
show up for our family, be able to be of
better support and resource to the people in our lives
who might experience something like this, or be better able
to protect ourselves.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
So listen.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
If this is like you know, if you have your
own experience that might make this conversation too much for you,
I completely understand, and I'll see you next week. We'll
be here next week, don't you worry. But if you
are able, I would love for you to stick around
and have this conversation with me and with us, and
(06:40):
I hope that it will, you know, I hope that
it will help. Yeah, So let me get into it,
which is that I decided there was a party happening
in Los Angeles that I was incredibly excited to go to.
And you know, honestly, I'm not going to tell the
name of the party because I really did enjoy the
(07:02):
party and had a great time. We just you know,
this this moment kind of fucked it up. But what
I did do was I called a bunch of my friends.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
I didn't call them, you know, I don't call my body.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
I texted a bunch of my friends and I said, hey,
would you want to go to this party in a
couple of weeks, And you know, I got myself a
little gaggle together because you know, I think that you know,
those parties and things are much better when you're with
a gaggle of friends, not just one. But you know,
it's like it was like five or six of us,
which was incredible, and so everybody said, yes, we're so down.
(07:33):
And so Saturday night came and we I did a
pregame at one of my friend's house and then we
went over to the venue, which we got there maybe
around like twelve twelve thirty. We thought like it would
be pop in by that point, but we got there
and maybe it was empty.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
Uh it was so.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
But it was also like already a little too late
to go anywhere else. If you don't know, things in
La close around two am, so by the time we
would try and maybe venture to a different location, it
would be closed.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
This party, however, one of those parties that goes to
like five or six.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
So we got drinks at the bar and then I
turned to two of my friends and I said.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Hey, we've got two options.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
The options are we can have this drink and we
can become the vibe, or we can have this drink
and go home. And either one is fine because you
know what I did. I am because I'm a tourist.
I pre ordered or I ordered pizza and cookies before
I left, and I put them in the fridge that
when I came home at whatever time I got home,
(08:42):
I could enjoy them a little pizza and my little cookies. Okay,
So I was like, if we need to go home,
I got something waiting for me. And my friends were like,
let's become the vibe. And so we had our little
drinks and then we got on the dance floor and
we started dancing. What I should say is I don't
drink a lot anymore. I don't drink often. I prefer
to smoke weed. But this night I was like, you know,
(09:04):
I'm gonna have you know, tequila sprite, you know, do
my little thing. But I'm like really hyper aware.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Of my body when I when I'm drinking. So we're dancing.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
We're having a good time, and honestly, we are creating
the vibe. And now more people are dancing, and as
time is going on, there are more people showing up
and the space is starting to fill out. There are
just some of the most gorgeous humans of all id
all identities in this space. It was really quite a
queer forward party. So I'm with my group of friends
(09:34):
and then this guy who I've seen several other parties
in the past, starts talking to one of my friends,
and then he starts talking to another one of my friends,
and it seems like there's a familiarity, and then he
comes to me. And at this point I'm like sort
of back at the bar, and they have little skittles,
(09:56):
like bags of skittles on the bar. Very cute, uh,
And so he approaches me and he goes, oh, they
got skittles, And it was a very lame opening line,
if it was an opening line at all, And I
was like, I was just not here for it. So
I like kind of ignored him, and you know, went
back and ordered another drink and then went back to
the dance floor. But then he was like he was
(10:16):
hanging out with us, and it was clear to me.
I didn't ask, but it just seemed like there was
a familiarity and like so, and I've seen him in parties, so.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
I didn't question it.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
He was definitely flirting with one of my friends, and
he was also flirting with me, which was also not
a big deal. You know, I'm very open and sex positive, like, listen,
we'll have a reason if we want to. It doesn't
really really matter. So the night is going on, the
night is going on. It's a fabulous fun time. They
are selling. This is important detailed. They're selling or I
(10:50):
don't know if they're selling or they're just giving away.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
But the venue is.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Giving these these shroom drinks, as I understand, So like
these drinks that have some kind of shroom in it.
And one of my friends gets that drink and brings
it to the dance floor and I was like, I
don't know if I'm ready for a shroom moment. I
don't know if that's the situation I want, but let
me taste it, and he was like all right, cool, cool,
So I tasted it, tasted good. Mother friend tasted it,
and then the guy I'm gonna keep referring to this
(11:15):
guy as I don't know, let's give him a name.
Let's just call him guy, because I don't want to
say somebody's a name who I actually to care for
in a door. So the guy makes a comment about
the shroom drink, saying something like in a negative connotation
of it, being like Bill Cosby, like if you have
(11:37):
that drink, it's kind of like a you'll be Bill Cosby.
And I was like, I don't you know, I've take
had shrooms before. I think that trooms are very lovely
and can be very magical and sometimes very healing. And
so I heard the comment, I was like, yeah, you know,
I think that I don't think that that's what this
is gonna do. I don't think that that's you know,
(11:58):
paid no attention to it. By the way, it was
a very flippant comment. Maybe it felt like maybe he
was making a joke that just like didn't land well
or whatever, but I literally it did not register.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
I didn't think anything of it. So then it continues.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
Now we're like, now it's like, let's say it's like
one point thirty or sorry, like two in the morning now,
and this party although other clubs and Nola close it to.
This party goes to like five or six, uh, and
two of my three friends that have remained have remained
have now also decided they're gonna leave, and so we
say goodbye, and the guy is with me, and we're
(12:32):
all saying goodbye, and the guy and I go to
the bar and we grab another drink. I get a
tequila sprite, he gets a whatever he gets. It's kind
of irrelevant. And then we go back out and we're dancing,
and like periodically throughout the night, we've been dancing and
like grinding on each other but also dancing with other people.
But there's like there's a chemistry that we have chemistry
and like, by the way, he's like tall and beautiful
(12:55):
and has a great smile and charismatic and whatnot. So
we are on the dance floor with our with our
new drinks. My friends have left. There's one still roaming
around the venue, but I'm not really sure where he is.
So I'm hanging out with the guy. And then I
was just like the party's theme was kink, and so
(13:17):
the party also had a dark room, and so I
was like feeling it's like two in the morning, I'm
a little horny, so it's like, can I suck your
dick just very because you know, like just beat erect
say the thing. And he goes, yeah, let's do that.
It's like beautiful, like who's gonna turn down the BLOWDP.
So we go to the dark room with our drinks
in hand, and we don't go too deep in. Like
(13:40):
I find like a little corner pretty close to the
entrance of it, but it's it's dark.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
It is like you can't really see anything. So like
I bump into.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
What is a kind of seat, a little seating area,
and I sit down. I put my drink beside my leg.
I'm conscious of the drink because you know, of course
be conscious of your drink, but it's so dark that
I also know that nobody can see what I'm doing,
so I know that it's my drink beside my leg.
The guy puts his drink beside my leg as well,
(14:10):
so both of our drinks are down on the floor
beside my leg, and I suck his dick and it's
a beautiful time.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Yeah, And then I reach.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
For my drink to take a sip because my mouth
is dry. Before I do that, I actually kind of
look around, but I was like, oh, no one is
near me, no one has seen this, so like I'm fine.
So I take a sip of the drink and then
he this is where it gets a little fuzzy, but
like he reaches for what I thought was his drink
because I put my drink down, but he reaches for
(14:38):
his drink that was also on the floor beside mine, uh,
and then pulls it up to him and I start
sucking his dick. But I think my drink had a
straw and his drink didn't, so the drink that he's
holding I realize has a straw. So I'm sucking his dick.
But I noticed that his hand is his hands are
above my head and they're moving, which you know, when
you're giving a head like like the person receiving it
(15:01):
isn't really unless their hand is moving to the back
of your head or something like what are you doing
above my head? And then but I'm not again, I'm
not suspicious of anything. And then I like come up
for air or whatever, and he brings his hand down
with this drink that has a straw, and I was like, oh,
is that my drink? He's like yeah, So I thought, oh,
(15:22):
maybe he's like taking you know, I'm sucking music. We're
swapping spit. Like of course he's gonna, you know, if
he wanted, if his mouth is drying and needs a
sip of my drink, I'm.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Not really stressed about it.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
So he hands me my drink and I put the
straw in my mouth and he was like, I put
a little something in at and I was and I
kid you not, I thought electrolytes.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
I was like, oh, like, what did you put in it? Like?
So I was like, what did you what did you
put in at? Fully in a set? And he says,
a little Bill Cosby?
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Right, okay, so here we are again. And it was
so direct and so like wait what So I did
a you know, I stood up. I'm you know, we're
kissing and you know, I'm holding the drink and I
said what does that mean? And he says it means that, uh,
(16:15):
you're gonna have a great time, but you might not
remember it. And I swear to you, I was like
waiting for the just kidding, but it never did come,
and so I clocked it. I had the drink, I
had taken a sip of it already. I feel like
(16:36):
he thought that I drank more than I did, but
I had only taken a little sip. I once he
said you won't remember it, I was like, oh, I
have to go to the bathroom.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
So I handed the drink.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
To him and then I went outside where they had
like porta potties to go the bathroom, just trying to
get away from him. And when I opened my phone
as I'm heading to the porta potty, it looks blurry,
Like my phone is starting to look a little blurry.
So I'm thinking in my head from what I know
about roofying, that I don't know how much time I
(17:11):
have left before I'm not coherent. So my options I
was like, do I call an uber or do I
call my friend? Like?
Speaker 2 (17:19):
What do I do?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
So I was like, if I get an uber and
I'm unconscious, the uber is not going to know what's
going on. If something happens on my way to the uber,
no one's going to know what's happening. So let me
text my friend. So I text my friend who had
left that you know this happened. This is what he said?
What Like, just what am I doing? So I sent
that text and I'm waiting on the line to go
(17:42):
into the porta potty.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Uh. And the guy comes.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Out and he's also I don't like, I don't know
if he's playing drunk or whatever, but he's like, I'm like, hey,
what's up?
Speaker 3 (17:52):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (17:52):
And then he finds an open porta potty and kind
of points to me to come with him, and I
was like, oh, no, no, no, no no, because you know,
I'm trying to be nobody's porta potoy period. So he
hands me my drink back and then goes into the
porta potty. I obviously tossed the drink out, and then
I use the bathroom. I come out, and then I
try to like get back into the crowd, but as
(18:15):
I'm about to do that, he finds me, and this
is where shame comes in.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
But we go back into the dark.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Room, and I'm gonna just pause and say, I think,
what happened? Why did I do that? Trying to do
this without judgment. I think I thought that if I
yelled or screamed or pushed him away or accused him
(18:45):
of something, that I didn't have proof of it, and
I wasn't sure if I would be believed, which my
therapist helped me kind of understand that is, like, you know,
the plight of the victim is you start to gaslight yourself.
And so I kind of was just like, I think
there's also fear. I think there's also like I don't
(19:05):
think there was fear. And I'm also I had been drinking, right,
so like I'm also not fully in my sober brain.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
So we go into the dark room. He turns me around.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
I have lube in my bag because you know, I
knew there was gonna be a dark room, and I
figured I would be doing something in a dark room,
just not this. So he turns me around, and I
remember thinking, I just hope he lets me put lube
on it. And he turns me around, pulls out my pants.
I'm like holding I'm like reaching for my lube, and
he just starts eating my ass. And then my phone
(19:38):
rings and it's my friend who I texted calling me.
So I used I was like, oh my phone, and
then I left and walked out and took the call.
And my friend, you know, was very much like doing
to come get you all that stuff, and I said,
I think I'm fine. You know, it's been about fifteen
twenty minutes. I don't feel funny or anything. And so
my friend was like, well, let's find our other friend
(19:59):
who was still at the venue, the one friend who
was still remaining. He's like, I'm going to give you
fifteen minutes. If I don't hear back from you, I'm
coming to get you. And I said, all right, cool, great,
So I hung up the phone. I ended up finding
my friend on the dance floor, and I was like,
really gonna because again I actually enjoyed this party and
was really having a good time other than this guy.
(20:20):
So I was like gonna like have myself the rest
of the night. And I'm dancing with my friend, who
is actually quite drunk and so like he's like he's lit,
so he's not fully aware of my emotional state. And
I'm not also offering or saying there's a shame, so
I also haven't said anything. And so we're dancing and
(20:43):
then out the corner of my eye through the crowd,
I see the guy and I see him see me,
and I see him and he keeps walking because my friend,
although the guy is very big, my friend is bigger,
and so he keeps walking and I was like, oh,
I don't feel safe, and so I went to the
to the exit where the bar was, and I called
an uber and just kind of waited, and I just
(21:04):
wanted to wait around people, like I didn't want to
go outside and wait just in case he followed me.
So I just like stayed around people, called my uber
and got home. I messaged everyone saying I was home.
I had my pizza, I had my cookies, and I
was like, okay, like I'm good, I'm good, I'm here.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
I'm great.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
And then around four thirty, I get it from my
couch after having my pizza and cookies and feeling like
more sober and like whatever. I get it from my
couch and I'm like gonna walk to the fridge for
some water, and I stumble backwards in a way that
now I feel like very drunk, which was weird because
I was feeling very sober. But now I'm feeling like
(21:46):
quite drunk, and so I like make my way back
to the couch and I remember saying, well, at least
I'm home. And then I woke up three hours later.
I don't remember laying down on the couch. I just
woke up and it was like seven thirty and I
was on my couch so clearly something got into my system.
I'm again, I'm fine, but I think what really you know,
(22:09):
one of the reasons I share this is because I
think I've had a lot of I'm very much you know,
I call me messy mom here.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
My friends know that I'm very.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Much kind of the mother, the maternal one, which is
there's always a group thread, everyone's locations are shared.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
You know.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
I always have a cross body bag when we go
out that has the wallets has you know, I puprofied,
I've got sex, I got emodium. You know, I got gum,
I got a chapstick, I got looked like I you know,
I'm very much taking care of people and like just
kind of in case anything happens, but also never really
(22:45):
thinking that anything would happen. And I'm also very conscious
of like my drinks and stuff like you know, like
all that stuff I very much do. What got me
about this situation was that it was somebody that I
was attracted to and somebody that I said, let me
suck your dick, right like I was.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
I was willing to have sex.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
With this person, you know, oral penetrative uh, and even
still this person wanted me unconscious and that is something
that I just didn't even know was a Bengo card, right,
Like didn't even know that was like a you know,
I think I think for me, and I'll talk for me,
(23:27):
and I fully recognize my privilege in my male body
that you know, women and fems are navigating this on
a regular fucking basis, which is I think also why
I want to talk about this and why I think
it's important for us to talk about this. But I
think my understanding of roofying specifically is that it's usually
(23:47):
you know, somebody who you somebody trying to get somebody
they can't get right, or somebody trying to have somebody
they they that doesn't want them or or isn't even
thinking about them. It never occurred to me that you
could desire this person, want this person, be vocal and
(24:09):
clear that you want to have sex with this person,
and they would still try to get you unconscious, which
is fully of control and a power thing more than
anything else. Uh, and psychotics sociopath like and disturbing.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
And all all the things.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
But I also felt a shit ton of shame and
like I should have done this, or I should have
done that, or I could have done that differently, or
why did I do that, or why did I go
back in there, or you know, or even the guilt
of feeling attracted to him, and and and that will
that will pass, you know. I think that again, destroy
shame around sex by talking about sex, and so destroy
(24:51):
shame around whatever by talking about it, and so in
talking about it with especially people who are close to me,
I understand and recognize that I did nothing wrong, that
I did the best that I could with the faculties
that I had.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
In the in the moment.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
I don't know why this man told me before, Like
I said, I think he thought I had more than
the drink. But for whatever reason, whatever blessing that was,
that he said it so that I knew that I
had to act.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
In some capacity. But that's not always the case.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
And so I also know that I get written a
lot about how one approaches sex or reclaims the power
of their body after, whether it's an almost incident or
an actual incident, And so you know that's what I think, Well,
we will explore today. Thank you so much for letting
me share this with you and for holding space for it.
(25:48):
And you know, I hope that if you've ever been
through an experience that has violated you, that you have
found your people to lean on, that you know that
you're valuable and you're worthy, and you've done nothing wrong,
no matter what, no matter whether whatever you're wearing, whatever
(26:09):
you're saying, like, you deserve consent. You deserve to consent
to what happens to you and to your body. And
it's not okay that there are folks that do not
abide by that.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
Well, uh, it.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Feels weird to do this intro, but I'm gonna do it.
You know, we're hose here, but hoes with heart. So
before we part ways on this first part, let me
speak to yours. You know, a friend of mine, you know,
I had sent a draft of this episode to which
included the first two interviews and this recounting, and they
(26:57):
had suggested to break it up into these three parts
instead of two parts, and suggested that the story live
on its own one so that you, as you know,
listeners could choose to engage in that. But if you
like aren't ready for that and just kind of want
the education and the kind of the I guess we'll
(27:19):
call it the help section of it all, then you
can make that choice and to that you know, this
is something that we can sit with and also a
chance to reflect on it, because now that you've listened
to it, and I've of course listened to it, and
there's been some time and distance since I recorded it,
(27:41):
and since the.
Speaker 3 (27:42):
Uh, the.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
Oh, it's hard to even still say it, the assault
took place. Let's reflect. Let me reflect with you. My
friend was reminding me that hearing your story back is healing.
That the first step is actually saying your story and
admitting that it happened, as opposed to going right into
(28:10):
therapy or trying to fix it or heal it or
whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
Hearing the story back. I'm grateful that.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
I recorded it because I was also writing a Subsac piece,
a companion piece to go along with this episode that
you can read on Brandon Kalgoman dot Subsac dot com.
We'll put it in the show notes. And I was
writing from memory, and then I listened to the story
(28:41):
and realized that I had forgotten some things or that
misremembered a few things. And so I was grateful to
have this recording because it's the actual account. As I said,
it was only a few days after it happened. So
it was fresh in my mind. And as I think
I said at the beginning of this episode, I have
(29:02):
a tendency to when let's say, bad things happen or
a conflict happens, I detach and I compartmentalize, and I
just I, in my mind forget that it happened. My
body obviously doesn't, but I in my mind forget that
it happened. And so there was something really powerful for
(29:22):
me to hear it back. And so I would, you know,
offer you know, I really hope nothing ever happens to
any of us, but that is not life. And so
if we experience something, whether it is as extreme as
sexual violence and assault or something else that hurts and
(29:45):
is harmful to us, you know, pull out your voice memo,
your voice notes, and record what you're feeling, recount it.
There is a power that I think we get back from.
You can't heal what you won't feel, you know, and understandably,
(30:07):
there are things that we definitely don't want to fucking feel,
But at some point, at some point in this life journey,
we also don't want that thing to have such a
hold on us that we can't function, And so we're
gonna have to feel it at some point so that
we make sure that we are able to take care
of ourselves and those around us. Ooh, And as I'm
(30:32):
saying that, right, it's not you irresponsible to take care
of people when you're in when you're navigating this stuff.
But you know, as time goes on, you're gonna want
that ability back. So saying your story, recording it for yourself.
You don't have to listen to it right away, but eventually,
as I did the first time I listened to re
(30:55):
listened to the stories only like two weeks ago, so
months after it happened, and I'm like, I'm saying, I'm glad,
I'm glad I had it because I would because you know,
I can begin to gaslight myself and say, well, it
wasn't that bad, or maybe it didn't, maybe it wasn't
what I thought it was, or no, you know, I
(31:18):
should be over this already, or so hearing it back,
I can have a little more compassion for myself.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
As hard as it was to.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Listen to it back, and the only reason I did
was because I knew that I was, you know, producing
this episode as well. But I'm grateful that I was
able to listen to it back grateful to I don't
know if that's the right word, but it's the one
I have. Maybe the word is I felt peace knowing
(31:54):
the story. Was peace the right word? Oh Lord, I'm
letting you in on all of what I'm doing, all
of my thinking right now.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
I felt a Maybe it's just compassion.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
I was able to feel compassion for myself as someone
who likes to take care of and as much as
you know, messy as my brain, I do also like
to clean things up. I like to make sure that
everything is in its place and dealt with. But that
energy can sometimes rob me of actually healing and can
(32:40):
cause me to change change little details to make it
softer for myself. But it was important that I hear
what actually happened. So yeah, getting through it, there's a
(33:05):
lot of breathing, you know. I was, actually I was.
I was putting off listening to it until the last
minute because I was kind of afraid that it would
wreck me, that I would just be not functional after
listening to it, and was surprised that it didn't. That
(33:26):
it hurt, and it's sad and scary and all the things.
But maybe that's the value of it. I think I
thought that day that night that this guy took something
from me, and he did in many ways, but I
(33:46):
think I thought he took my spirit. I thought that
I that I was running the risk of not being
me anymore, and so being able to listen to it
bad and still feel like myself was important. I don't
(34:07):
know if I'm articulating this well, but but I hope
you're understanding, and I hope it. I hope it's making
some sense, even if not on a logical maybe on
a visceral level, it's making sense to you. You know.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
I think the.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
One of the biggest reflections, and I believe this is
what we ended up titling the episode, which is I
consented to sex and he roofeed me anyway, and I
think that was also a reason to talk about this.
I think I get into it with doctor Vanessa Marin,
(34:44):
but I guess what I want to say about that,
that part, you know, mentally, still fucks with me. I
don't know if Fox with me is right, but it's
it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
It doesn't listen.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
Sexual assault doesn't make sense to me, period, But that
version of it I had never, you know, heard before.
I wasn't familiar with, you know, being the one to
enthusiastically be like let me, you know, let's let's let's
(35:22):
fool around, let's play, and still that person, you know,
wanting My therapist said, it's it's a desire for power
and control, wanting to, you know, make me unconscious. I
can't remember if I said this in this story, but
(35:43):
you know, one him telling me that he put something
in my drink. I'll never know why he did. Of course,
I'm grateful for it. I keep saying that that was
my grandmother, you know, my grandmother. I'm not religious, but
my grandmother was a very religious woman. I'm spiritual, and
(36:07):
she was also a very spiritual woman. And her prayers.
I'm not saying that that scorted this because of her prayers,
or that this wasn't worse because of her prayers. But
I don't know, babe, I just it like didn't make
sense and I saw I'm just saying Grandma, Grandma was
(36:32):
stepping in to some extent there.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
The other piece.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
I don't think. Guys, forgive me if I did. You know,
I've told this story, but and so in building this episode,
I've had to relive it and write about it, but
you know, he had told me that he was flying
(36:59):
home that monlearning, and so he was gonna be, you know,
out partying until it was time to go to the airport.
And I just remember thinking that had he been successful,
I would have remembered hooking up with someone that I liked,
(37:20):
and then I would have woken up somewhere who knows where,
and he would have been in a different state. They
would already been gone, and that that piece of it
(37:40):
also just like the the plotting, the plotting, you know,
they often say about anything, it's hard to understand it
is people's actions or motives when it's something that you
would just know, ever do. And so when it comes
(38:02):
to any kind of sexual assault or sexual violence, it's
always so difficult to understand it. And I don't think
it's something too understand. But of course, as humans we
need a story and if we can, if we can
(38:25):
make sense of a thing, you know, then then we
we can be like, oh, that's why.
Speaker 2 (38:33):
Or that's why not.
Speaker 1 (38:36):
But you know, having to make peace with that, there's
nothing to make sense of that. This is not something
that I will ever understand. I will never understand why
he did it, why he told me he was doing it, like,
I'll never I'll never understand the motives, I'll never understand
(38:58):
the execution. I'll never or it's not something for me
to understand, but it is something for me to heal from.
And so that is what I'm doing and still doing.
And you know, if you would have talked to me
(39:19):
a couple of months ago, I'd have a very different
response about how I'm doing or navigating it. Definitely a
lot of ignoring and detaching. But you know, now I
can say.
Speaker 3 (39:36):
That that I'm healing, that I'm I'm okay with the
fact that it will never make sense, and perhaps that
is also you know, there's a there's I don't mean
this negatively, but there's a selfishness in doing this episode
(39:58):
and doing these three parts and talking to these therapists
because it's like, well.
Speaker 1 (40:04):
You know, I'm gonna I'm gonna do something with this.
I'm gonna do some good with this very not good thing.
So but I guess I just want to assure you
(40:25):
that healing is happening and it will continue to happen,
and I'm i am, I am okay with where I
am in the healing process. That's where I have my piece.
I'm at peace with where I'm at in my healing process. Yeah,
(40:50):
I'll leave it at that. Yeah, we'll leave it at that.
We'll talk more. There are two more parts, so we'll
talk more. The next part is with doctor Raquel Martin
and doctor Vanessa Marin. And as I said at the top,
we'll get into, you know, coping with this, uh and
(41:15):
what how one reclaims their body and one reclaims their sexuality,
and one reclaims themselves after a violation, after an assault,
after violence against one's body. All right, I guess I'll
(41:39):
wrap this by saying I love you and thank you
for being here. Rye bye, Thank you so much for
listening to tell Me Something Messy. If y'all enjoy the show,
(42:00):
send the episode to someone else who might like it.
Tell Me Something Messy was executive produced by Ali Perry,
Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly. Our producer and editor is
Vince de Johnny. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio and The
Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app or anywhere you subscribe
to your favorite shows.
You know what, this is a safe space to talk
about relationships, love and sex. Now let me tell you
something messy. Hi. I know we're on hiatus, but I
had to drop this very special episode for you or
I was ready to. We have a lot of unpacking
to do and there's a lot to get into.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
Trigger warning.
Speaker 1 (00:25):
This episode is about sexual assault and something that happened
to me last September, not too long after the launch
of our podcast, and I, you know, my workaholic brain
or whatever it is, decided to get into the booth
and tell the story only a few days after. And
I'm glad I did that because even now listening to
(00:48):
the episode again, it was important that I'm someone who
detaches and will shut down and compartmentalize and forget a
thing happens. And it's something I'm working on learning through
therapy how to use my voice. You know, it's funny.
I'm a podcast so like I use my voice, But
(01:08):
there are elements in my life and my personal life,
especially when there's conflict where you know, as an avoidantly
attached person, I sometimes forget to use my voice and
I clean things up. So for whatever reason, there was
some clarity that said I needed to to tell the
story and then I could decide later what to do
(01:30):
with it. What we ended up doing is after I
got into the booth, and we scheduled some time to
have conversations with other therapists and sex educators. So here's
how we're gonna break this down. I'm gonna do this
in three parts, so the first and second part are
(01:52):
available now, and the third part will drop next week.
In this first part, because I really want to take
care of you and and meet you where you are,
So in this first part, I'm going to you're gonna
hear me recount the story. And then the second episode
we'll talk to you doctor Raquel Martin and doctor Vanessa
(02:14):
Marin specifically about, you know, how do you take care
of yourself after something like this happens? Uh?
Speaker 2 (02:21):
And also how do.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
You regain your safety and your sexuality and your your
you you know, get back into your sex life after
something of this happens. And another part with doctor Matthew
Brinkley UH and doctor Emilinagoski will dive deeper into race
(02:43):
and queerness and being two male bodies and the unpacking
of that. And then also how do you show up
for a partner or a friend or someone you love
who has experienced sexual assault or sexual violence. So it
wo'll be the three parts. Listen, this is a heavier topic,
(03:10):
but it is incredibly important that we talk about this,
that we talk about sexual assault and sexual violence, that
we know how to protect ourselves, that we know how
to recover, how to heal, how to protect those around us,
how to help them recover and heal. And so I
(03:30):
do hope that you will take the time to listen,
but as I will remind you, go slow. If you
need to pause, pause, if you need to take a
break after an interview or after do it and come
back to it. Don't feel like you gotta listen to
it all in one sitting. But also if you are
like I need to get all in one sitting, then
(03:51):
do that. Whatever, just listen to your heart, whatever settles
your spirit, your heart, whatever path your heart wants to
go down. In terms of consuming this content, consuming these
stories and these interviews and this information, to that, Okay,
I love you so much and thank you, thank you
(04:12):
for being here. All right, let's get into the recounting
of the story that I did just a few days
after it happened last September. On this show, we are
(04:33):
billed as a comedy, sex positive show, and so it's
important to me that we are able to laugh here
and find joy and all the things around pleasure and
sex and dating and love and relationships. But also we
do a lot of education here as well. You know,
you've been listening for a little bit, so you know
that we talked to sexperts and other experts and celebs
(04:54):
and some of my chosen fam But you know, we
don't talk about because it's it's not funny or fun
but I think it is important that our platform addresses
it is sexual assault. So this is a trigger warning,
heads up that I'm about to tell you a story
of something that just happened to me. And I'm fine,
(05:19):
I'm safe, I'm good. But I do want to share
it because perhaps it will help somebody else if you
find yourself in this situation, perhaps it might help you
feel less shame, because I know that I feel a.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
Lot of shame around.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
What happened to me, and I you know, I'll let
you know that I've already you know, engaged my community.
I talk to my therapist, and so I know that
there's nothing for me to be ashamed of, but it
doesn't mean that I haven't felt it. And so, you know,
I think that we often don't talk about these things
because they're harder, because they're uncomfortable, because they're not fun.
(05:59):
But we should so that we all know how to
whether it's protect ourselves or show up for our friends,
show up for our family, be able to be of
better support and resource to the people in our lives
who might experience something like this, or be better able
to protect ourselves.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
So listen.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
If this is like you know, if you have your
own experience that might make this conversation too much for you,
I completely understand, and I'll see you next week. We'll
be here next week, don't you worry. But if you
are able, I would love for you to stick around
and have this conversation with me and with us, and
(06:40):
I hope that it will, you know, I hope that
it will help. Yeah, So let me get into it,
which is that I decided there was a party happening
in Los Angeles that I was incredibly excited to go to.
And you know, honestly, I'm not going to tell the
name of the party because I really did enjoy the
(07:02):
party and had a great time. We just you know,
this this moment kind of fucked it up. But what
I did do was I called a bunch of my friends.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
I didn't call them, you know, I don't call my body.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
I texted a bunch of my friends and I said, hey,
would you want to go to this party in a
couple of weeks, And you know, I got myself a
little gaggle together because you know, I think that you know,
those parties and things are much better when you're with
a gaggle of friends, not just one. But you know,
it's like it was like five or six of us,
which was incredible, and so everybody said, yes, we're so down.
(07:33):
And so Saturday night came and we I did a
pregame at one of my friend's house and then we
went over to the venue, which we got there maybe
around like twelve twelve thirty. We thought like it would
be pop in by that point, but we got there
and maybe it was empty.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
Uh it was so.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
But it was also like already a little too late
to go anywhere else. If you don't know, things in
La close around two am, so by the time we
would try and maybe venture to a different location, it
would be closed.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
This party, however, one of those parties that goes to
like five or six.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
So we got drinks at the bar and then I
turned to two of my friends and I said.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Hey, we've got two options.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
The options are we can have this drink and we
can become the vibe, or we can have this drink
and go home. And either one is fine because you
know what I did. I am because I'm a tourist.
I pre ordered or I ordered pizza and cookies before
I left, and I put them in the fridge that
when I came home at whatever time I got home,
(08:42):
I could enjoy them a little pizza and my little cookies. Okay,
So I was like, if we need to go home,
I got something waiting for me. And my friends were like,
let's become the vibe. And so we had our little
drinks and then we got on the dance floor and
we started dancing. What I should say is I don't
drink a lot anymore. I don't drink often. I prefer
to smoke weed. But this night I was like, you know,
(09:04):
I'm gonna have you know, tequila sprite, you know, do
my little thing. But I'm like really hyper aware.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Of my body when I when I'm drinking. So we're dancing.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
We're having a good time, and honestly, we are creating
the vibe. And now more people are dancing, and as
time is going on, there are more people showing up
and the space is starting to fill out. There are
just some of the most gorgeous humans of all id
all identities in this space. It was really quite a
queer forward party. So I'm with my group of friends
(09:34):
and then this guy who I've seen several other parties
in the past, starts talking to one of my friends,
and then he starts talking to another one of my friends,
and it seems like there's a familiarity, and then he
comes to me. And at this point I'm like sort
of back at the bar, and they have little skittles,
(09:56):
like bags of skittles on the bar. Very cute, uh,
And so he approaches me and he goes, oh, they
got skittles, And it was a very lame opening line,
if it was an opening line at all, And I
was like, I was just not here for it. So
I like kind of ignored him, and you know, went
back and ordered another drink and then went back to
the dance floor. But then he was like he was
(10:16):
hanging out with us, and it was clear to me.
I didn't ask, but it just seemed like there was
a familiarity and like so, and I've seen him in parties, so.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
I didn't question it.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
He was definitely flirting with one of my friends, and
he was also flirting with me, which was also not
a big deal. You know, I'm very open and sex positive, like, listen,
we'll have a reason if we want to. It doesn't
really really matter. So the night is going on, the
night is going on. It's a fabulous fun time. They
are selling. This is important detailed. They're selling or I
(10:50):
don't know if they're selling or they're just giving away.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
But the venue is.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Giving these these shroom drinks, as I understand, So like
these drinks that have some kind of shroom in it.
And one of my friends gets that drink and brings
it to the dance floor and I was like, I
don't know if I'm ready for a shroom moment. I
don't know if that's the situation I want, but let
me taste it, and he was like all right, cool, cool,
So I tasted it, tasted good. Mother friend tasted it,
and then the guy I'm gonna keep referring to this
(11:15):
guy as I don't know, let's give him a name.
Let's just call him guy, because I don't want to
say somebody's a name who I actually to care for
in a door. So the guy makes a comment about
the shroom drink, saying something like in a negative connotation
of it, being like Bill Cosby, like if you have
(11:37):
that drink, it's kind of like a you'll be Bill Cosby.
And I was like, I don't you know, I've take
had shrooms before. I think that trooms are very lovely
and can be very magical and sometimes very healing. And
so I heard the comment, I was like, yeah, you know,
I think that I don't think that that's what this
is gonna do. I don't think that that's you know,
(11:58):
paid no attention to it. By the way, it was
a very flippant comment. Maybe it felt like maybe he
was making a joke that just like didn't land well
or whatever, but I literally it did not register.
Speaker 2 (12:08):
I didn't think anything of it. So then it continues.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
Now we're like, now it's like, let's say it's like
one point thirty or sorry, like two in the morning now,
and this party although other clubs and Nola close it to.
This party goes to like five or six, uh, and
two of my three friends that have remained have remained
have now also decided they're gonna leave, and so we
say goodbye, and the guy is with me, and we're
(12:32):
all saying goodbye, and the guy and I go to
the bar and we grab another drink. I get a
tequila sprite, he gets a whatever he gets. It's kind
of irrelevant. And then we go back out and we're dancing,
and like periodically throughout the night, we've been dancing and
like grinding on each other but also dancing with other people.
But there's like there's a chemistry that we have chemistry
and like, by the way, he's like tall and beautiful
(12:55):
and has a great smile and charismatic and whatnot. So
we are on the dance floor with our with our
new drinks. My friends have left. There's one still roaming
around the venue, but I'm not really sure where he is.
So I'm hanging out with the guy. And then I
was just like the party's theme was kink, and so
(13:17):
the party also had a dark room, and so I
was like feeling it's like two in the morning, I'm
a little horny, so it's like, can I suck your
dick just very because you know, like just beat erect
say the thing. And he goes, yeah, let's do that.
It's like beautiful, like who's gonna turn down the BLOWDP.
So we go to the dark room with our drinks
in hand, and we don't go too deep in. Like
(13:40):
I find like a little corner pretty close to the
entrance of it, but it's it's dark.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
It is like you can't really see anything. So like
I bump into.
Speaker 1 (13:49):
What is a kind of seat, a little seating area,
and I sit down. I put my drink beside my leg.
I'm conscious of the drink because you know, of course
be conscious of your drink, but it's so dark that
I also know that nobody can see what I'm doing,
so I know that it's my drink beside my leg.
The guy puts his drink beside my leg as well,
(14:10):
so both of our drinks are down on the floor
beside my leg, and I suck his dick and it's
a beautiful time.
Speaker 2 (14:16):
Yeah, And then I reach.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
For my drink to take a sip because my mouth
is dry. Before I do that, I actually kind of
look around, but I was like, oh, no one is
near me, no one has seen this, so like I'm fine.
So I take a sip of the drink and then
he this is where it gets a little fuzzy, but
like he reaches for what I thought was his drink
because I put my drink down, but he reaches for
(14:38):
his drink that was also on the floor beside mine, uh,
and then pulls it up to him and I start
sucking his dick. But I think my drink had a
straw and his drink didn't, so the drink that he's
holding I realize has a straw. So I'm sucking his dick.
But I noticed that his hand is his hands are
above my head and they're moving, which you know, when
you're giving a head like like the person receiving it
(15:01):
isn't really unless their hand is moving to the back
of your head or something like what are you doing
above my head? And then but I'm not again, I'm
not suspicious of anything. And then I like come up
for air or whatever, and he brings his hand down
with this drink that has a straw, and I was like, oh,
is that my drink? He's like yeah, So I thought, oh,
(15:22):
maybe he's like taking you know, I'm sucking music. We're
swapping spit. Like of course he's gonna, you know, if
he wanted, if his mouth is drying and needs a
sip of my drink, I'm.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Not really stressed about it.
Speaker 1 (15:32):
So he hands me my drink and I put the
straw in my mouth and he was like, I put
a little something in at and I was and I
kid you not, I thought electrolytes.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
I was like, oh, like, what did you put in it? Like?
So I was like, what did you what did you
put in at? Fully in a set? And he says,
a little Bill Cosby?
Speaker 1 (15:53):
Right, okay, so here we are again. And it was
so direct and so like wait what So I did
a you know, I stood up. I'm you know, we're
kissing and you know, I'm holding the drink and I
said what does that mean? And he says it means that, uh,
(16:15):
you're gonna have a great time, but you might not
remember it. And I swear to you, I was like
waiting for the just kidding, but it never did come,
and so I clocked it. I had the drink, I
had taken a sip of it already. I feel like
(16:36):
he thought that I drank more than I did, but
I had only taken a little sip. I once he
said you won't remember it, I was like, oh, I
have to go to the bathroom.
Speaker 2 (16:47):
So I handed the drink.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
To him and then I went outside where they had
like porta potties to go the bathroom, just trying to
get away from him. And when I opened my phone
as I'm heading to the porta potty, it looks blurry,
Like my phone is starting to look a little blurry.
So I'm thinking in my head from what I know
about roofying, that I don't know how much time I
(17:11):
have left before I'm not coherent. So my options I
was like, do I call an uber or do I
call my friend? Like?
Speaker 2 (17:19):
What do I do?
Speaker 1 (17:20):
So I was like, if I get an uber and
I'm unconscious, the uber is not going to know what's
going on. If something happens on my way to the uber,
no one's going to know what's happening. So let me
text my friend. So I text my friend who had
left that you know this happened. This is what he said?
What Like, just what am I doing? So I sent
that text and I'm waiting on the line to go
(17:42):
into the porta potty.
Speaker 2 (17:43):
Uh. And the guy comes.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Out and he's also I don't like, I don't know
if he's playing drunk or whatever, but he's like, I'm like, hey,
what's up?
Speaker 3 (17:52):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (17:52):
And then he finds an open porta potty and kind
of points to me to come with him, and I
was like, oh, no, no, no, no no, because you know,
I'm trying to be nobody's porta potoy period. So he
hands me my drink back and then goes into the
porta potty. I obviously tossed the drink out, and then
I use the bathroom. I come out, and then I
try to like get back into the crowd, but as
(18:15):
I'm about to do that, he finds me, and this
is where shame comes in.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
But we go back into the dark.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
Room, and I'm gonna just pause and say, I think,
what happened? Why did I do that? Trying to do
this without judgment. I think I thought that if I
yelled or screamed or pushed him away or accused him
(18:45):
of something, that I didn't have proof of it, and
I wasn't sure if I would be believed, which my
therapist helped me kind of understand that is, like, you know,
the plight of the victim is you start to gaslight yourself.
And so I kind of was just like, I think
there's also fear. I think there's also like I don't
(19:05):
think there was fear. And I'm also I had been drinking, right,
so like I'm also not fully in my sober brain.
Speaker 2 (19:12):
So we go into the dark room. He turns me around.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
I have lube in my bag because you know, I
knew there was gonna be a dark room, and I
figured I would be doing something in a dark room,
just not this. So he turns me around, and I
remember thinking, I just hope he lets me put lube
on it. And he turns me around, pulls out my pants.
I'm like holding I'm like reaching for my lube, and
he just starts eating my ass. And then my phone
(19:38):
rings and it's my friend who I texted calling me.
So I used I was like, oh my phone, and
then I left and walked out and took the call.
And my friend, you know, was very much like doing
to come get you all that stuff, and I said,
I think I'm fine. You know, it's been about fifteen
twenty minutes. I don't feel funny or anything. And so
my friend was like, well, let's find our other friend
(19:59):
who was still at the venue, the one friend who
was still remaining. He's like, I'm going to give you
fifteen minutes. If I don't hear back from you, I'm
coming to get you. And I said, all right, cool, great,
So I hung up the phone. I ended up finding
my friend on the dance floor, and I was like,
really gonna because again I actually enjoyed this party and
was really having a good time other than this guy.
(20:20):
So I was like gonna like have myself the rest
of the night. And I'm dancing with my friend, who
is actually quite drunk and so like he's like he's lit,
so he's not fully aware of my emotional state. And
I'm not also offering or saying there's a shame, so
I also haven't said anything. And so we're dancing and
(20:43):
then out the corner of my eye through the crowd,
I see the guy and I see him see me,
and I see him and he keeps walking because my friend,
although the guy is very big, my friend is bigger,
and so he keeps walking and I was like, oh,
I don't feel safe, and so I went to the
to the exit where the bar was, and I called
an uber and just kind of waited, and I just
(21:04):
wanted to wait around people, like I didn't want to
go outside and wait just in case he followed me.
So I just like stayed around people, called my uber
and got home. I messaged everyone saying I was home.
I had my pizza, I had my cookies, and I
was like, okay, like I'm good, I'm good, I'm here.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
I'm great.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
And then around four thirty, I get it from my
couch after having my pizza and cookies and feeling like
more sober and like whatever. I get it from my
couch and I'm like gonna walk to the fridge for
some water, and I stumble backwards in a way that
now I feel like very drunk, which was weird because
I was feeling very sober. But now I'm feeling like
(21:46):
quite drunk, and so I like make my way back
to the couch and I remember saying, well, at least
I'm home. And then I woke up three hours later.
I don't remember laying down on the couch. I just
woke up and it was like seven thirty and I
was on my couch so clearly something got into my system.
I'm again, I'm fine, but I think what really you know,
(22:09):
one of the reasons I share this is because I
think I've had a lot of I'm very much you know,
I call me messy mom here.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
My friends know that I'm very.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Much kind of the mother, the maternal one, which is
there's always a group thread, everyone's locations are shared.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
You know.
Speaker 1 (22:24):
I always have a cross body bag when we go
out that has the wallets has you know, I puprofied,
I've got sex, I got emodium. You know, I got gum,
I got a chapstick, I got looked like I you know,
I'm very much taking care of people and like just
kind of in case anything happens, but also never really
(22:45):
thinking that anything would happen. And I'm also very conscious
of like my drinks and stuff like you know, like
all that stuff I very much do. What got me
about this situation was that it was somebody that I
was attracted to and somebody that I said, let me
suck your dick, right like I was.
Speaker 2 (23:04):
I was willing to have sex.
Speaker 1 (23:07):
With this person, you know, oral penetrative uh, and even
still this person wanted me unconscious and that is something
that I just didn't even know was a Bengo card, right,
Like didn't even know that was like a you know,
I think I think for me, and I'll talk for me,
(23:27):
and I fully recognize my privilege in my male body
that you know, women and fems are navigating this on
a regular fucking basis, which is I think also why
I want to talk about this and why I think
it's important for us to talk about this. But I
think my understanding of roofying specifically is that it's usually
(23:47):
you know, somebody who you somebody trying to get somebody
they can't get right, or somebody trying to have somebody
they they that doesn't want them or or isn't even
thinking about them. It never occurred to me that you
could desire this person, want this person, be vocal and
(24:09):
clear that you want to have sex with this person,
and they would still try to get you unconscious, which
is fully of control and a power thing more than
anything else. Uh, and psychotics sociopath like and disturbing.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
And all all the things.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
But I also felt a shit ton of shame and
like I should have done this, or I should have
done that, or I could have done that differently, or
why did I do that, or why did I go
back in there, or you know, or even the guilt
of feeling attracted to him, and and and that will
that will pass, you know. I think that again, destroy
shame around sex by talking about sex, and so destroy
(24:51):
shame around whatever by talking about it, and so in
talking about it with especially people who are close to me,
I understand and recognize that I did nothing wrong, that
I did the best that I could with the faculties
that I had.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
In the in the moment.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
I don't know why this man told me before, Like
I said, I think he thought I had more than
the drink. But for whatever reason, whatever blessing that was,
that he said it so that I knew that I
had to act.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
In some capacity. But that's not always the case.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
And so I also know that I get written a
lot about how one approaches sex or reclaims the power
of their body after, whether it's an almost incident or
an actual incident, And so you know that's what I think, Well,
we will explore today. Thank you so much for letting
me share this with you and for holding space for it.
(25:48):
And you know, I hope that if you've ever been
through an experience that has violated you, that you have
found your people to lean on, that you know that
you're valuable and you're worthy, and you've done nothing wrong,
no matter what, no matter whether whatever you're wearing, whatever
(26:09):
you're saying, like, you deserve consent. You deserve to consent
to what happens to you and to your body. And
it's not okay that there are folks that do not
abide by that.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
Well, uh, it.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Feels weird to do this intro, but I'm gonna do it.
You know, we're hose here, but hoes with heart. So
before we part ways on this first part, let me
speak to yours. You know, a friend of mine, you know,
I had sent a draft of this episode to which
included the first two interviews and this recounting, and they
(26:57):
had suggested to break it up into these three parts
instead of two parts, and suggested that the story live
on its own one so that you, as you know,
listeners could choose to engage in that. But if you
like aren't ready for that and just kind of want
the education and the kind of the I guess we'll
(27:19):
call it the help section of it all, then you
can make that choice and to that you know, this
is something that we can sit with and also a
chance to reflect on it, because now that you've listened
to it, and I've of course listened to it, and
there's been some time and distance since I recorded it,
(27:41):
and since the.
Speaker 3 (27:42):
Uh, the.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
Oh, it's hard to even still say it, the assault
took place. Let's reflect. Let me reflect with you. My
friend was reminding me that hearing your story back is healing.
That the first step is actually saying your story and
admitting that it happened, as opposed to going right into
(28:10):
therapy or trying to fix it or heal it or
whatever it is.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
Hearing the story back. I'm grateful that.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
I recorded it because I was also writing a Subsac piece,
a companion piece to go along with this episode that
you can read on Brandon Kalgoman dot Subsac dot com.
We'll put it in the show notes. And I was
writing from memory, and then I listened to the story
(28:41):
and realized that I had forgotten some things or that
misremembered a few things. And so I was grateful to
have this recording because it's the actual account. As I said,
it was only a few days after it happened. So
it was fresh in my mind. And as I think
I said at the beginning of this episode, I have
(29:02):
a tendency to when let's say, bad things happen or
a conflict happens, I detach and I compartmentalize, and I
just I, in my mind forget that it happened. My
body obviously doesn't, but I in my mind forget that
it happened. And so there was something really powerful for
(29:22):
me to hear it back. And so I would, you know,
offer you know, I really hope nothing ever happens to
any of us, but that is not life. And so
if we experience something, whether it is as extreme as
sexual violence and assault or something else that hurts and
(29:45):
is harmful to us, you know, pull out your voice memo,
your voice notes, and record what you're feeling, recount it.
There is a power that I think we get back from.
You can't heal what you won't feel, you know, and understandably,
(30:07):
there are things that we definitely don't want to fucking feel,
But at some point, at some point in this life journey,
we also don't want that thing to have such a
hold on us that we can't function, And so we're
gonna have to feel it at some point so that
we make sure that we are able to take care
of ourselves and those around us. Ooh, And as I'm
(30:32):
saying that, right, it's not you irresponsible to take care
of people when you're in when you're navigating this stuff.
But you know, as time goes on, you're gonna want
that ability back. So saying your story, recording it for yourself.
You don't have to listen to it right away, but eventually,
as I did the first time I listened to re
(30:55):
listened to the stories only like two weeks ago, so
months after it happened, and I'm like, I'm saying, I'm glad,
I'm glad I had it because I would because you know,
I can begin to gaslight myself and say, well, it
wasn't that bad, or maybe it didn't, maybe it wasn't
what I thought it was, or no, you know, I
(31:18):
should be over this already, or so hearing it back,
I can have a little more compassion for myself.
Speaker 2 (31:24):
As hard as it was to.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Listen to it back, and the only reason I did
was because I knew that I was, you know, producing
this episode as well. But I'm grateful that I was
able to listen to it back grateful to I don't
know if that's the right word, but it's the one
I have. Maybe the word is I felt peace knowing
(31:54):
the story. Was peace the right word? Oh Lord, I'm
letting you in on all of what I'm doing, all
of my thinking right now.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
I felt a Maybe it's just compassion.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
I was able to feel compassion for myself as someone
who likes to take care of and as much as
you know, messy as my brain, I do also like
to clean things up. I like to make sure that
everything is in its place and dealt with. But that
energy can sometimes rob me of actually healing and can
(32:40):
cause me to change change little details to make it
softer for myself. But it was important that I hear
what actually happened. So yeah, getting through it, there's a
(33:05):
lot of breathing, you know. I was, actually I was.
I was putting off listening to it until the last
minute because I was kind of afraid that it would
wreck me, that I would just be not functional after
listening to it, and was surprised that it didn't. That
(33:26):
it hurt, and it's sad and scary and all the things.
But maybe that's the value of it. I think I
thought that day that night that this guy took something
from me, and he did in many ways, but I
(33:46):
think I thought he took my spirit. I thought that
I that I was running the risk of not being
me anymore, and so being able to listen to it
bad and still feel like myself was important. I don't
(34:07):
know if I'm articulating this well, but but I hope
you're understanding, and I hope it. I hope it's making
some sense, even if not on a logical maybe on
a visceral level, it's making sense to you. You know.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
I think the.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
One of the biggest reflections, and I believe this is
what we ended up titling the episode, which is I
consented to sex and he roofeed me anyway, and I
think that was also a reason to talk about this.
I think I get into it with doctor Vanessa Marin,
(34:44):
but I guess what I want to say about that,
that part, you know, mentally, still fucks with me. I
don't know if Fox with me is right, but it's
it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
It doesn't listen.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
Sexual assault doesn't make sense to me, period, But that
version of it I had never, you know, heard before.
I wasn't familiar with, you know, being the one to
enthusiastically be like let me, you know, let's let's let's
(35:22):
fool around, let's play, and still that person, you know,
wanting My therapist said, it's it's a desire for power
and control, wanting to, you know, make me unconscious. I
can't remember if I said this in this story, but
(35:43):
you know, one him telling me that he put something
in my drink. I'll never know why he did. Of course,
I'm grateful for it. I keep saying that that was
my grandmother, you know, my grandmother. I'm not religious, but
my grandmother was a very religious woman. I'm spiritual, and
(36:07):
she was also a very spiritual woman. And her prayers.
I'm not saying that that scorted this because of her prayers,
or that this wasn't worse because of her prayers. But
I don't know, babe, I just it like didn't make
sense and I saw I'm just saying Grandma, Grandma was
(36:32):
stepping in to some extent there.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
The other piece.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
I don't think. Guys, forgive me if I did. You know,
I've told this story, but and so in building this episode,
I've had to relive it and write about it, but
you know, he had told me that he was flying
(36:59):
home that monlearning, and so he was gonna be, you know,
out partying until it was time to go to the airport.
And I just remember thinking that had he been successful,
I would have remembered hooking up with someone that I liked,
(37:20):
and then I would have woken up somewhere who knows where,
and he would have been in a different state. They
would already been gone, and that that piece of it
(37:40):
also just like the the plotting, the plotting, you know,
they often say about anything, it's hard to understand it
is people's actions or motives when it's something that you
would just know, ever do. And so when it comes
(38:02):
to any kind of sexual assault or sexual violence, it's
always so difficult to understand it. And I don't think
it's something too understand. But of course, as humans we
need a story and if we can, if we can
(38:25):
make sense of a thing, you know, then then we
we can be like, oh, that's why.
Speaker 2 (38:33):
Or that's why not.
Speaker 1 (38:36):
But you know, having to make peace with that, there's
nothing to make sense of that. This is not something
that I will ever understand. I will never understand why
he did it, why he told me he was doing it, like,
I'll never I'll never understand the motives, I'll never understand
(38:58):
the execution. I'll never or it's not something for me
to understand, but it is something for me to heal from.
And so that is what I'm doing and still doing.
And you know, if you would have talked to me
(39:19):
a couple of months ago, I'd have a very different
response about how I'm doing or navigating it. Definitely a
lot of ignoring and detaching. But you know, now I
can say.
Speaker 3 (39:36):
That that I'm healing, that I'm I'm okay with the
fact that it will never make sense, and perhaps that
is also you know, there's a there's I don't mean
this negatively, but there's a selfishness in doing this episode
(39:58):
and doing these three parts and talking to these therapists
because it's like, well.
Speaker 1 (40:04):
You know, I'm gonna I'm gonna do something with this.
I'm gonna do some good with this very not good thing.
So but I guess I just want to assure you
(40:25):
that healing is happening and it will continue to happen,
and I'm i am, I am okay with where I
am in the healing process. That's where I have my piece.
I'm at peace with where I'm at in my healing process. Yeah,
(40:50):
I'll leave it at that. Yeah, we'll leave it at that.
We'll talk more. There are two more parts, so we'll
talk more. The next part is with doctor Raquel Martin
and doctor Vanessa Marin. And as I said at the top,
we'll get into, you know, coping with this, uh and
(41:15):
what how one reclaims their body and one reclaims their sexuality,
and one reclaims themselves after a violation, after an assault,
after violence against one's body. All right, I guess I'll
(41:39):
wrap this by saying I love you and thank you
for being here. Rye bye, Thank you so much for
listening to tell Me Something Messy. If y'all enjoy the show,
(42:00):
send the episode to someone else who might like it.
Tell Me Something Messy was executive produced by Ali Perry,
Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly. Our producer and editor is
Vince de Johnny. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio and The
Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app or anywhere you subscribe
to your favorite shows.
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