October 3, 2024 • 52 mins
Brandon's close friend, Alesha Reneé, joins to share where she is on her Heaux journey, but as they start talking about all of the things that Alesha feels she's missed out on, the conversation takes a deeper turn. But not before a quick game that covers spit-play and hotel sex.
Find Alesha Reneé at: https://www.instagram.com/iamalesharenee/
Follow Brandon on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brandonkylegoodman
Join the C'Heauxmunity at https://brandonkylegoodman.substack.com/
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Spit play. I'm curious.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (00:02):
I don't know how I feel about bodily fluence being
on me unless it's.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Because we're doing the pull out living on the edge.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
God, I was noting that, you know what we do
here destroy shame around sex by talking about sex. Now,
let me tell you something messy. So a transformative sexual
experience there. You know, there have been many transformative sexual experiences.
(00:36):
But when I really think about the one that stands
out the most, it's having my ass eating, which sounds like,
you know, so regular regular, but I will were my job.
People were not talking about ass eating U so prevalently?
Is that the word? Is that the right word so
openly until very recently, Like I it was Lucas Gauge
(01:01):
in White Lotus when that scene happened, then everyone was like, oh,
ass eating? What's ass eating? Right? But before that people were,
you know, people were talking about in their dark corners,
but not like just openly on the internet, like I
have my ass eating Before that Lucas Gauge moment. I
can remember Chris Rock special. I forget which special it was,
but this is like I had to be a kid
the nineties and he was talking about. He did a
(01:22):
joke about tossing the salad or tossing your salad, and
that was the first introduction I had to what ass
eating was. Was it's called tossing your salad. And I
think that I forget the context of the joke, but
I think it was about, you know, being being in
jail and having your your salad tossed. So for me,
(01:43):
ass eating has always been like, what the heck is
that am I supposed to be doing that? Like there
were a lot of feelings around it, incorrect feelings, but
feeling something the less. And then I do remember shortly
after college, I attempted to eat somebody's ass and they
had they had a hairy booty, which I love a
hairy booty, but it was a lot of hair to
(02:03):
the point where it was matted, like there was an
ass hair not and so like that, and I was
too young to, like I was like twenty two twenty three,
I didn't know how to advocate for my boundaries or
to respectfully have a conversation about the ass hair not.
And so I just kind of swore off ass eating
because I didn't enjoy it, mostly because I eat the
(02:24):
asses of men, and you know, no disrespect to the
men listening, but oftentimes men do not know how to
keep them between their cheeks clean. And I know, I
know there are plenty of y'all listening right now who
know exactly what I'm talking about. I know a lot
of y'all like men, you have to remind them to
wash between their cheeks. I don't know who needs to
hear this, but please wash between your cheeks and your toes.
(02:47):
Bend over and wash between your fucking toes and wash
between your cheeks. Anyways, So I just kind of swore
off ass eating. And then a couple of years ago,
this is pre white loaves, look a scage. Couple of
years before that, I was talking to this guy on
Grinder and he said that he loved eating ass and
(03:09):
wanted to eat my ass. I was one of the
things that he said. And that wasn't the That wasn't
the sale for me. I wasn't like, oh yeah, fuck you.
As we already know, I didn't love the ass eating.
But what he did say to me before that was
I have bottom before, so I will take care of you.
Are you wet because I'm wet. That got me fucking wet.
(03:31):
I was like, what, like, you you'll take care of me?
And so then when he offered, he said, I want
to eat your ass. I was like, well, you said
you go take care of me, and I want to
know what that's about. So either way, whatever, I get
through this and then we'll do the other things.
Speaker 4 (03:44):
Baby.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
When I got there, this man he devoured my ass.
Let me set this up. I walked into the apartment,
I'm greeted by his one hundred pound German shepherd who
thinks he's a fucking, you know, chihuahuah, which I have
a sixty pound pit bull mix who also thinks the fuck.
So I was into it. And then we sat down
on the couch, uh, and he was like watching He
(04:05):
was playing video games, so, which what a boy work.
He's playing video games. We're sitting he lights a joint.
He's like, do you want to watch something? I say,
you know, Scandal because I was in the middle of
rewatching Scandal again, which shout out Shonda Rys and Kerry Washington,
all of the Scandal, the Gladiators, and so he puts
(04:27):
on Scandal and it's like some epith, like you know,
it's some some DC somebody's getting tortured. It was not
sexy vibes. And he's literally like, what did we watch it?
I was like, it's Olivia Pope put some respect on
her mother bucket. So he's like ha ha okay okay.
And then we're smoking a joint and he's like, well,
show me what that mouth do. And I was like, well,
this mouth does a lot of things, as y'all well
very well know. So we start making out and then
he leads me to the bedroom which he has mood lighting.
(04:50):
It's like a blue lighting. There's a scented candle. There's
a playlist of like Doja cat and and Ari Lennox
and like just all of my Torrian needs are being met,
and now he wants to eat my ass. Oh my god. Right, fine,
let's just get this over it. So I get on
(05:10):
all fours on the bed, which is in front of
his like Florida ceiling mirror, and baby, I'm looking I'm
looking cute. Listen, I'm looking at cute in that mirror.
And then I watch him in the mirror disappear between
my cheeks and then I saw, God, I don't know
how to explain it. I like he was there for
a solid thirty to forty minutes, and he could have
(05:34):
been there for thirty to forty more minutes. I had
never I thought that I didn't like having my ass eaten,
and I thought I didn't like eating ass. And the
reason this experience is so transformative was he taught me
that it was just being eaten wrong. He did things
to my whole that should be studied. They should put
it in books and mail it to every fucking man
(05:58):
in the world. Hey, this is how you fucking do it.
What's to that end? I learned? So he never let
me eat his ass, But I was taking my note.
I was taking notes. Every time we hooked up. I
was taking notes. I was like, Okay, he did that.
You did a little little thing the left, a little
thing to the right. You stuck it a little bit. Okay,
my God, on today Jesus will show up. Anyways, Welcome
to the show. This is Tell Me Something Messy. I'm
(06:19):
your host, Brandonkyle Goodman. And by the way, I love
when you give me prompts for these, So feel free
to tell me what kind of stories you want to
hear from my messy ho files by emailing tell Me
Something Messy at gmail dot com. All right, it's time
for our guest. Now, while they get situated, we'll get
our messy key key started with a hoe manifest stoe.
(06:41):
Oh my God, repeat after me aloud or in your head.
Grant me the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage
to heal, the wisdom to know that sex is not
just about penetration, the audacity to advocate for my pleasure
and boundaries. The strength to not call my ex that
fuck boy, fuck girl, or fuck bay, for it is
(07:02):
better to masturbate by myself in peace than to let
someone play in my motherfucking face. Not the community saying, holylujah,
there she is and the light is hit it too, y'all.
I am so excited to have Alicia Renee on the show.
I'm gonna do a little bio. She's sitting right next Hey. Okay,
hello Alisha. Wait, let me get the bio going. Okay,
(07:25):
this is messy show. Alisha Renee is the ultimate multi
hyphen it. She's the co creator, executive producer, and star
of Unleash for Love for Audible and co executive producers
Kevin Hart and Charlemagne the God. Okay, come on, go
off as an actor. Alicia's appeared in Come On Keyan,
Criminal Minds, New Girl, Magnum p I, and has recurred
(07:45):
on shows like Detroitter's and Grand Crew just to name
a few. Okay. Alicia began her career at Viacom, where
she hosted several top rated series across their networks, including
Hot Wired, The five and one O six in Park
for B E T. Alisha also starting Girl Code and
Guy Code. You've been You've been working. I'm good for
(08:05):
TV and it's worked for E News and b H
one on a multitude of shows. She's been the face
and voice behind multiple brand campaigns, including Get Ready for Honda, Wells, Fargo,
Home Depot, Proctor and Gamble, and McDonald's and Walmart. Go Ahead,
carry On, Alicia. We Gotta Show, We Gotta Show. Alisha
(08:28):
champions issues close to our art and close to our heart,
including women's empowerment, against domestic violence and abuse, and children's Right.
Y'all please help me welcome my sister. Yeah, we want
a little Halisha. How are you, baby? It's good, It's good.
(08:51):
It's good to see you. It's good to be seen.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
I will see that. It's good to see you.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
I'm it's good to be seen. We like to start
with a alue breaker. It's an ice breaker, but because
we're at this show, it's called alue breaker. That's a
little game chef's kiss, you know. Okay, So I'm gonna
play a game of smash or pass? Okay, all right,
So I'm gonna give you a thing. You're gonna tell
me you're gonna smash your pass. We'll see. It could
(09:21):
be an it could be a verb, it could be adjective.
I'm ready by okay, let's put this messy round of
smash or pass. Okay, here is smash or pass? Peas
in your mac and cheese? Answer? I know your answer,
but what's your ants? Come on?
Speaker 2 (09:32):
Say, what's my answer? Being this past all day? Every day?
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Can we talk about it? Though? Because you're a cook,
you cook upon around there are people who put peas.
There's one place I won't name them. I won't name them, huh.
I don't know if it's regional, but but maybe there's
a place here in La Not only do they put
peas in the mac and cheese, they put asparagus in
the mac and cheese.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
It's a white restaurant that sounds about white. I it's
a past.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
I don't whoever needs to hear this. Please don't put
no peas on your mac and cheese. You put a
little bacon if you want a little Hello. Absolutely. Have
you ever had a buffalo chicken mac and cheese?
Speaker 2 (10:08):
No? But you know what I do do.
Speaker 3 (10:10):
You can't have this though, because you have a shell.
But my Mattie Pooh can have Yes, I put shrimp
and broccoli when I'm making when I'm.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Doing like a little extra razzle dazzle, but I will.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
That sounds like it could like if I was into shrimp.
That sounds like it would.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
Be if you would live, to tell I could live.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
You know, we know each other's visits.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
You know if you could live.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Yeah, okay, work, smash your past hikes, Oh smash okay
cool for me, it's the past.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
Heavy on the past, the past.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
There will be stretches where Brandon and I for various reasons,
because life be life and both business and I will
just try to keep my hand on my person. And
when I tell you, the shutdown comes so expictitiously. When
I say, how about we go hike? It made me
like go grab like a salad or something.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Heavy. Pass The way.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
The way it's said to me is almost as if
there's like a heavy dose of like judgment.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
I just have, I just I'm a girl who loves
a boundary. I stand a boundary. So when you asked
me for a hike, you're gonna get a swift quick, no, heavy, heavy, no,
a deep no. And then you ask a salad on
the side after we hike, You're gonna get me a salad.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
I mean, I'm trying to cut a corner.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
No, no, no, no no.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
If I were as snatched as you, then I can
under you are snatch.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
Everybody snatch. I don't need a salad.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Though, better get any better.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
I pass on a hike, but smash a hike for you.
Matthew likes to hike too. Have you been hike together?
Speaker 2 (11:44):
We haven't. I'm actually overdue to love on my mind.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
He loves.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
I'm here to collect your husband.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
My dog loves a hike too, So yeah, the family
loves as a family, we as a as a unit,
the household, the heights. But for me, me and mind,
I'm always busy anyways, smash past, okay, smash your past.
Blindfolds and handcuffs yes, a scoria. Okay, bring the team
(12:22):
you want to do.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Let's give her husband a scorpio is good for you,
I thought, so.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
I love a scorpio.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
I know this.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Smash your past spit play. I'm curious. I don't know
this about you.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
Do you want to think I was spat on one
time before I knew what it was, and I think
I was a little traumatized.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
And they didn't talk to you about it before, and.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
It was actually an abusive relationship.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
I don't the freaky deaky, sneaky connection you know, uh,
connotation like connected to it. It's more so like from
a place of like not being worthy being seen. So
I can't say because it hasn't been reintroduced in a
positive way.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Yeah, but maybe I don't know.
Speaker 3 (13:10):
I don't know how I feel about bodily fluence being
on me unless it's.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Because we're doing the pull out man living.
Speaker 3 (13:21):
On the edge.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
I was not that this be a visual medium because
I had to push back ay from my mic WORDE.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Is fair, that's fair, that's fair, that's fair.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Absolutely, I'm with you. I love it, not, I do
like it. I do enjoy spit playing. I do think
it needs to be consensual. I do think your teeth
needs to be brushed. Hello, Hello, please don't nips. I
don't want ginger bitis t but I but I, but
I'm getting more and more into it, and I think
it's that's fun. Smash your past. Being called a good girl?
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Am I being a very bad girl?
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Okay? The way you're looking at me and speaking.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
His sister, sorry, please one is awkward, Like we're not
awkward if I'm being a very bad girl.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
You want to be called good girl? Being called a
good girl? I love that.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
It's like being obedient.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
I love also being called I see so I'm non binary,
so I call me good girl.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
Was about to say what pronouns would you like?
Speaker 1 (14:29):
You can use it, okay, but I love I need
to say your pronounce in your your bio, which is
she's an all that's right for we like good girl
or a good boy or good or good I have
(14:50):
good day. It's interesting because there's a lot of you know,
instead of daddy or maybe'll be called vady and I
don't really, that's not my favorite.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
It's not dropping down in. It's not for me.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
It's not making my whole twitch the way I like
to twitch. So good girl, a good boy.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
It doesn't make it perk up.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
It doesn't make up, you know, bady, But if it
does for you, I love that for you.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
It doesn't anyways.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Messy Patrons, if you have smashed or pass prompts or
other lube breaker ideas, feel free to email me tell
me something messy at gmail dot com. Lube lube.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
I thought you said loud as in something loo.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
It could be lud. It's a lube.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
I like lube.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
It is now time for messy mail, where we read
out messy patron stories and submissions. As always, your submissions
remain anonymous. One of your submissions will be my messy
pick for a messy kiki, which is a more in
depth convo with a lhu. So I do have a
few messy kikey guidelines, okay. One, things get to be
(15:54):
unprocessed to any thoughts or opinions shared, have the right
to evolve, shift or change today, tomorrow, ten years from now,
and three. If during the key key something feels too
personal or unintentionally offends, we use the safe word foosball,
which who's which gives us a chance to pause and
(16:14):
address or pivot accordingly. Okay, sound good, all right, beautiful,
those guidelines, those are all of our guys. Okay, okay, yeah,
for y'all listening, that's our guidelines. If you're you know,
if you're listening to wherever you're listening to this, you
could say foodsball. We won't hear it, because that's not
how the technology works quite yet.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
But you can be mad at that red light and
you give me helm, you.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Know, but you can also email us and be like, oh,
this is why this was a foosball, because I love
hearing that stuff as well. All right, cool, speaking of Alicia,
tell me something messy, something messy.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Ooh not not totaling of the fingers. It's so funny.
Speaker 3 (16:52):
This guy that I had a dalliance with once upon
a time called me the other day for a quote
unquote work opportunity and kept sliding in there that I
was the one that got away and that he did
a job with my ex. And I'm very proud of
myself that I did not take that opportunity to be
(17:14):
like and I got rid of both of you.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Very cute, but I.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
Was very proud of my growth, growth, growth, But no,
all jokes aside, and it's so funny because even with
the industry being where it is right now, where a
lot of studios and productions are doing, they're now like
reeling back on and so work is challenging, not non existent,
because you know, I like to watch my words. Absolutely
I could use every yes that comes my way. But
(17:48):
there was this part of me that was like, you know, God,
you can let that pass me by because I know
it's going to come with hell.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
You know what this is like to me? That is
growing up?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Okay, well message, no.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
It's it's it is I that was It's messy that
they reached out and a work opportunity and then also
sliding in to try and.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Be like, I'm the one that got away.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
Oh I worked with your eggs on this previous spy.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
I was out of here. Please would you like a cookie? Period?
Speaker 3 (18:18):
I legitimately be and I really am like, I don't
think it's set up because my previous relationship was very angular.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
I was being used in many ways.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
I was very proud of myself that I did not
take that opportunity to be like I.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Don't give a fuck. I just said, oh, okay, well listen.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
I think a lot of people, you know, whatever an
ex reaches out, sometimes it's really hard not to take
the bait. And so it is to me it is
a sign of growth when you're like I can force,
I can foresee what's going to happen, and I know
this game, I know this path, and I'm going to
interrupt my pattern and say no to that or not engaged.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
And that's humane, man, even to the of like needing
to work.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
And I got off the phone and I said, but
not that way.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
That's tea something about the universe and being like I
know when something is for me.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
And when there is peace, yes.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
And it's also just important to know when there won't
be peace in it and way and to trust because
the fear, the fear that we have and we all
in these relationships and our careers and our relationships make
us stay in environments or situations that aren't good for us.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
Like one of the main things that I needed to
push away from that situation. And again, whether you call it,
I don't know, if it's the universe testing how bad
we want something, or to believe in heaven is to
know that there also is a hell that exists. And
so the devil likes to roam about tricking us with things.
You know, how bad do you want a thing? Not
(19:54):
at the risk of my peace.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
Never at the risk of ones, no matter what.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
For whatever your your faith, whatever you believe, and however
you in this world, do not compromise your peace. Yeah,
in an effect, you know, and you can feel it
in your gut, like that's the thing, Like, you know.
And as one devotes and advocates for themselves and learns
how to advocate for themselves, the voices get clearer, like
(20:20):
those instincts clearer. But there is a gut punch that
happens when somebody comes into your space, when somebody messages you,
there's a gut punch. And before the butterflies happen, you know,
because the butterflies might come in those butterflies might be fake.
But there is a punch that happens where you're like, huh.
And if you ever get that huh.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Yeah, run from it. Run at the very.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Least interrogate that, the very least ask me curious like why.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Am I hunt or at least person with trepidation.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
Yes, there is there's a world where because even including
my eggx, I knew that that wasn't an avenue that
I needed to bark down. But because I had been
single for so long, I swallowed that and I just
moved in the opposite direction.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
I want to swallow different things, you know. Sorry, Yeah,
the nut.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
No, I'm not, it's nutritious.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
Yeah. With that guy, I said, you know, God, you've
you've kept me going for twenty years, and I know
you're going to keep me going for way more.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
That opportunity, ain't it.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
Absolutely, that's not it. That's also I'm going to pass
that test. That's just I think, also a lesson in life,
just because something sounds good, if there's anything in your
gut that goes I don't know, to honor it. Got
to honor it and trust that things are abundant enough
that something else.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
That's why I say, Okay, God, so I know you
heard me, heard me, because because that came because not
only did you hear me, but the double krag pass
in the room too.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
You said, you said out, Yeah, thank you so much
for sharing that message, for the space to share that
of course. Okay, So let's key key. So the first
one says, my sister is mad at me for calling
her entitled. She wanted a fifty k loan asap and
didn't express gratitude.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Can I be in that family?
Speaker 1 (22:13):
Fifty ask lord? I wish I had somebody to ask
fifty K for me. Well, I mean, you know that's
crazy that she's mad at you for calling her entitled
after asking for that money and not expressing gratitude. I
(22:34):
do think, what what do you think about loaning loaning
money to family?
Speaker 3 (22:40):
I have adopted the mentality of when it comes to family,
I am just going to give it if I have it.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
I don't.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
I don't equate the loan just because I've been just
disappointed too many times when I extended it as a
loan and it never got repaid. I think the best
thing for me is is if I have it, and
that is if I have it in my checking account. Yes,
a rule that I implemented too late was one that actually
my brother and I, speaking of siblings, came to together
(23:09):
that if we don't have it in our checking any
of our checking accounts without having a touch emergency funds
or savings, you don't have it till loan. Yeah, you know,
to give, Sorry you don't have it to give. And
so once I adopted that, I don't miss what I
put out there.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
My godfather had actually told me that I was probably
twenty five or twenty six. Yeah, and he was like,
I think I had asked I think I asked him
for money because I was just out of a really
bad relationship and was trying to get my get your footing,
getting my footing. And he was like, he had told
me that he doesn't loan money that he needs to
(23:47):
get back, so he you know, he'll loan it quote unquote,
but never expects it back. But if he is expecting
it back, he won't loan it. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
And it's also which is the.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Same with similar to your like if I don't have it,
it's like I'll give it without expectation back if you can,
but also like I'm not looking to get.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
This back, right, I mean two edged, Sure, give it
back if you can't. When I for the most part though,
when I give money out, it doesn't come with the
caveat of give it back if you can.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
It's just here.
Speaker 3 (24:18):
But I do take note the amount of times and
who is drawing from the.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
Well you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
Well, just because you don't.
Speaker 3 (24:26):
Want to condition people to look at you as their
problem solving and that's a lesson that I learned myself
entirely too late. I did not realize that I was
erecting myself as the savior of those people that if
it doesn't get done, and whenever I have it, I
got to expend it, you know, it won't get done.
And so then when I hit my hard walls because
(24:48):
ebbs and flows. This is the entertainment business, and sometimes
it's sometimes the ship. Next thing, you know, your face down,
ass up with nothing, when your back is up against Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
That's real. That's real. Yeah Forgret, that's real. Okay. The
next one says, thought I was going to start a throttle,
but their partner, you know.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
It's Wednesday. I thought I was gonna get it happened and.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Thought I was going to start a threatle but their
partner knew but didn't want that. I found this out
upon visiting and having compost with the partner. Help, I
need communication tips.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
Can you imagine stick in your hands?
Speaker 1 (25:23):
Could you imagine show it up to me? Oh, I'm
gonna be with these two people and only one of
them knows about it and the other doesn't. That is
that one the person writing in not your fault and
also in terms of communication tips, well, the communication has
already started off, and I would actually have some red
flags on this relationship that like, the person you're talking
(25:45):
to allowed you to even come over to the house
and their other partner wasn't clued in on the fact
that we're here to do this non monogamous throttle. So
before even communication tips, I would be like run. But
for the future I would absolutebsolutely ask these questions straight up.
One of my friends actually suggested, so, she is married
(26:07):
and they're not monogamous, and when they date other people,
they put everybody in one.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Group trying ethically non monogo ethically.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
Not monogamous, but they put everyone, Yes, they put everyone
in the same group thread so that there's not for them.
It works that there are not side conversations happening, but
everyone is involved and knows sure, and well, if you're
doing ethical nominogamy, the hope is we keep it out. Yeah,
because we're non monogamous. There's no reason just around we've
(26:37):
agreed to do this. But you know, making sure that
you inform everyone from the jumping that you have contact
with everyone from the start, will.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
Say when people take your consent away, you know, like,
I don't like being involved in situations where I'm not
given the full scope of things so that I can
make a well informed decision that is really.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
To me key on everything. It's like you want people
to have agency.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
Choice and a ton especially when it comes to sex acts.
Speaker 3 (27:01):
Yes, Like I like to be as free as possible
when i'm you know, with the person I'm doing the
sex with, and there isn't anything more like like alarming
than when you enter into a scenario and not all
information has been disclosed kind of figure it out on
the day, Like that doesn't make me feel good.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
I think that's why people sometimes it's not sexy. I
love one, I love the schedule sex. Whatever you think
about that is up to you. Before I have sex,
especially if it's with a new partner, I like to
ask them what they're turn ons on. And we don't
have to like there obviously there might be a whole
toolbox of things that we're into and we don't have
to go through everything, but at just like the top five.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
You know, and just the beauty to that discovery. Yes,
you know there is a beauty to that discovery. Not
to say that, yeah, I mean I get it, Like
some some portion of like overly discussing sex and the
things that we like to do can take the sexiness.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Out of sure, the spontaneity, yes, but.
Speaker 3 (28:00):
There are certain things that we need to just make
sure that we're both on the same page, or all
the three of us are on the.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
Four or five of us.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
Involved.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
Yes, absolutely, but it sets up it sets up a playground. Yeah,
even just like having those first three or four things
that you're turned on by and I'm turned on gives
us a little blueprint. And also why I love this
is because when you do need to communicate in the
middle of sex, you've already started to work that muscle beforehand,
so it's not like an awkward, fresh new thing.
Speaker 3 (28:31):
I would just say for this person, I think the
first place to start is is like putting that tool
now in your tool Yes, right, So making sure that
that's a question that they endeavor to ask ahead of time.
Are all parties involved fully aware of what we're wanting
to engage in, and does everyone give their consent?
Speaker 1 (28:51):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (28:51):
You know, so I think that's direct, and I think
it's it's like me, Yes, I did when I first
got to be et, I did the wrap it up
tour and so I know how I.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
Know, and the wrap it up tours about the promoting condoms, right, yes.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
The adficacy of safe sex.
Speaker 3 (29:11):
Hey, if you're uncomfortable talking about what's your status and
the things that you want, you don't need to be
all up in this bowl. I'm twenty thousand percent okay
with easing down the yellow brick road. If we can't
have open and honest conversations about you know, your sad,
your status. You know, are you actively seeing other people?
Speaker 2 (29:28):
I don't need to know your.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
Number true, actively engaging in the six with other people
outside of us, because you know, you need to know.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
Part of sex, part of being a great partner is
not just like your ability to dick me down deep,
but it's your your willingness to have conversations. You know,
not just that you can throw it fuck me the
way I like, but that you can also have these
conversations around our health and that you know your health
and my health is really important.
Speaker 3 (29:56):
And so like, if you're clutching your pearls when we're
having to talk about the health of our sex and
protecting that, it just makes me feel like you're just
gonna be out here Willy nearly dicking down everybody, which you.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
Can do that if you want to, but tell it,
I'll do.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
It over there.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
But but it's to each their own talk about it.
Speaker 3 (30:14):
Everyone has their own traumas and their fears and their
insecurities as it pertains to sex. And because of certain
things that I endured within relationships, there's a certain level
of transparency and honesty, certain things that I won't engage
in that I need to be able to have the
full scope.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Of that conversation absolutely, and if.
Speaker 3 (30:30):
You're uncomfortable or you're not willing to have it, I
can pack up my kiddy.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
I'm more than happy with packing my plus.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
But I think I think that this is such an
important thing to highlight, which is that if you're having
these direct conversations or you're communicating and you notice that
the partner is shutting down or skittish, that maybe that's
not the right person to engage sexually with.
Speaker 3 (30:58):
Now.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Of course, if this is your partner that you dating
and you're seeing, then this is something to work on.
This yeah, to unpack. But definitely if you're like, oh,
I'm just like hooking up with this random person or
met this person at a club and they don't want
to talk about these things, then that might not be
a right match for you. Yeah you want, I will
tell you that I have. I have the best sex,
(31:20):
the most mind blowing sex with people who want to
talk about sex. Okay, So my messy pick for today
is trying to explore my sexual desires. But I'm single
in my forties and fear I've started too late. I
want to go out to parties and things and maybe
meet potential guys or girls, but at my big age,
(31:41):
it feels like I can't or shouldn't. Most of my
friends are partners. I'm feeling lonely on my whole journey. Oh,
talk to me.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
No, it's just it's triggering.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
Sorry, is this foosball moment? We could take a moment?
Weird name.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
No, it's That's one thing that I've really been having
a conversation with my higher power about as of late.
And I think I shared this with you before, you know,
just feeling like I got my start in this business
when I was in my twenties. You know, I just
turned twenty twenty one. I just turned twenty one, and
there were so many things because I grew up in
the South. I grew up Southern Baptist, and I grew
(32:27):
up Catholic. This is just so your readers and readers,
your listeners can have some context. Brandon knows a lot
of these things about me already. And so I grew
up like under the two of the strictest denominations under
you know, the Christian faith and so and during that time,
you know, almost twenty years ago, respectability politics was so
much a thing that you know, I was the new
young black girl at BET and you know, there was
(32:50):
this make sure you don't sleep around because you'll get it,
you'll get a name. And yeah, once you start, you know,
screwing to get your way to the top, like you
have to keep on. And there were so many things,
so many and I wish that I had experienced during
that time when a lot of people in their twenties
were explorative, They were able to figure out what they
liked sexually, they were able to go, you know, go
to the parties late and wake up and get to
(33:11):
the jobs or whatever and do the things that I
didn't get to because there was the responsibility.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
There was the perception of.
Speaker 3 (33:18):
It all, there was the image of it all that
now you know, being a woman over the age of
thirty five, I'm like, at this big age, I feel
like that time has gone and I feel insecure in
a lot of ways as it pertains to sex, because
I just happened to have a couple of, you know,
(33:39):
stories with guys that I was either in a serious
relationship with or be you know, a good friend can
be a great lover, and you know, although so I
just happened to have a couple of wonky stories, but
I can count on one and a half hands the
amount of men that I've given my body to. And
this is as a woman who's over the age of
thirty five, and I feel weird about that.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
Why do you feel weird about that?
Speaker 3 (34:03):
Because there's a lot of things sexually that I haven't explored,
that I haven't done. You know, there's a lot of
exploration as it pertains to what I do like sexually
that came from self. And I'm not saying that there's
anything wrong with self exploration. I think that that's probably
the highest thing that we can do to make sure
that at the end of the day, we can we
can get ourselves off right, we can get happy because
you can be in a relationship with someone and they
(34:23):
could you know, something could happen God forbid, and they're
not able to perform sex or whatever. You want to
make sure that you can take care of you sure,
whatever that may be.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
You know.
Speaker 3 (34:32):
Yeah, I had a conversation with my mom. My mom
got married at eighteen. She was a virgin when she
married my dad, and so there's a lot of things
that she did not explore that when they both made
their mistakes within the marriage, a lot of it was
because she was just ignorant to what the world looked
like outside of this one relationship. I endeavor to not
(34:54):
let history repeat itself, but I feel trapped by the
what will that look like at this age? There's also
a at this age, I want to be married now.
I want to I want to meet my person. Is
there going to be a guy out there that is
understanding of the fact that though I have lived in
some other areas, there's a part of when it comes
to pleasing him, he's going to have to teach me
(35:15):
and he's not going to judge me and be like, you.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Don't know already how to do this, or you don't
know how ready to do that. You understand what I'm saying, yeah,
I mean it's just triggering.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Sure, sure, one, thank you for being so open about that,
because I'm sure.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
I was doing that the entire time you were rubbing
your fucking.
Speaker 4 (35:31):
I was rubbing not my nipples, my stomach because I
haven't eaten and he a growl on this big mic, not.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
During that convers sharing my God with God, the way
that we can go from emotional to a thousand ridiculous.
Thank you for sharing that, because I know that you're
obviously not the only person that feels that and might
have heard that submission and felt overwhelmed with emotion as well.
Expect me to.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
Yeah, it's really it's.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
Well, can I say a couple things to your heart.
One is yes, there will be a man and men
who will one thousand percent have empathy and open heartedness
and vulnerability with you. That's the partner you should have,
regardless of whatever your sexual experience is. Somebody who is like, yeah,
I want to explore. I don't want to just explore,
(36:29):
but I want to be your teammate in this whatever,
this is this life thing. I always say that, like,
and you know this is Matthew and I are entering
it will be nine years in June. By the time
this comes out, we will be together for nine years totally.
Speaker 3 (36:41):
Yeah, we've known each other then for ten Because you
guys were dating for a good amount of time.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
We've known each other for almost the same amount because
Matthew and I met shortly before you and I said
I met yeah, yeah, yeah, Oh my god, that's crazy.
But we I talk about calling Matthew my partner more
than my husband or my spouse because the husband and
wife you tend to have these expectations and gender roles.
(37:05):
That is not a partner, right, Like what you need
and what you want in your whatever, whether it's a
marriage or relationship, as a partner, somebody who has your back,
who you can grow with, who you can be vulnerable with,
who you can say I don't know how to do that.
They're like, I know how to do it, and you
don't know how to do that. Like that's what you're
that we want and that's what you deserve, and a
one thousand believe that that person is out there waiting
(37:29):
for you and waiting to treat that puss right, you
know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (37:39):
So, And it's funny because it's like not that I
not that I'm like, you know, virginal or anything. It's
just you know, I've been in seven serious relationships.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
I've had like nine sexual encounters.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
I know. It's you know, what is it faux to
say numbers? And I'm not saying that to It's just right,
we're just having the discussion. Yeah I can name every
sexual partner, Yeah I had, and then I don't with that,
But it's not something necessarily that I'm just like waving
around as a flag. And what I mean by that
is is I admire this new generation that has more
(38:15):
sexual onus and freedom to be. I think that there's
something wrong when we tell more specifically women that you
have to be chased and that you need to make
sure that you maintain this pristine image, you know, and
and make sure that the man that you're with can
you know, he doesn't have to like he can't stick
his whole hand inside of you and just have room
to mayor you know what I mean. But meanwhile, back
(38:37):
at the ranch, we teach young boys that they can
fuck whatever, you know, and like it's like whatever you
whatever you whatever you decide, may it.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
Be good for you.
Speaker 1 (38:49):
There is a generation I think it's millennials who are
stepping into their sexuality in ways that we were raised
to not believe that we could. I would say that
even as like a male bodied individ in my twenties,
I also had a whole lot of stuff around HIV,
around STI S that like did not make me as
sexually active as maybe, uh, you know somebody in their
(39:10):
twenties is right now because we're just having different conversations
around bottoming. You know, we've only just now in the
recent couple of years, have been open about oh I'm
a bottom, we're like eating ass. But there's been a
lot of I group with a lot of bottom shame,
a lot of shame around eating as eating ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
absolutely you must please.
Speaker 2 (39:30):
Do you eat?
Speaker 3 (39:33):
Please eat you don't get on these buns, baby, you
can't get I love to eat ass.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
I love I haven't eaten ass before. There's nothing.
Speaker 1 (39:44):
And you know what, you dabble with straight men, Yeah
that's okay, not doubt.
Speaker 2 (39:50):
You know, you dip your tongue into straight water.
Speaker 1 (39:55):
And no disrespect. But there are many straight men who.
Speaker 3 (39:58):
You know, don't don't there's still a lot of connotations.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Well, they have to learn how to clean that booty.
You know, we're getting off topic because what I want
to say is what you were saying talking earlier about
feeling about how you feel about exploring your sexuality at
this big age. And there's a twofold, right, because a
lot of this is societal, yes, And I think that
some of our work and what I think this podcast
(40:23):
is and people listening and our work as individuals is
to fight against that and advocate for ourselves and go
fuck the perception of what it means for me to
be at this age. This is what I want to do.
I want to explore sexually. I want there has to
be a way for me to do that, and there is,
and so like finding the resources and the support to
(40:44):
know that you're not wrong.
Speaker 3 (40:52):
It's challenging to in a way be what I mean
by that is well because also when you reach a
certain age, there may be certain things in life that
you want that there's not necessarily space to be, you know,
pussy popping on a headstand. And what I mean by
the way, well, because now I'm just.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
Saying looking at me like that, why.
Speaker 3 (41:12):
There's you know it really it honestly truly just depends
on what it is that you're looking for and what
parameters you have set for yourself, right, Because I'm sure
if I were the type to be secure enough or
even desired enough to have an open relationship, whatever magnitude,
then yeah, I guess I'd have more time. Sure, Right,
(41:33):
I'm a I'm very jealous and possessive, heavy on the mind,
deep on the dick, and so there's no sharing is
caring for me?
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Sure?
Speaker 3 (41:49):
And so that leaves me with if I desire to
have a relationship and maybe children soon, there isn't much
runway as far as you know, time to just go
out there and be all willy nilly. And it could
be because it's so ingrained in me that society, you know,
has told me that women have to be a little
more chaste than men. Yeah, that I don't feel that free.
So I understand their sentiment.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
But I think that that's why I totally understand their
sentiment and understand yours. And I think that in some
ways it's like that is the beginning of the work,
is like how much of this belongs to me? And
are my beliefs? And how much of this has been
put on me? And again, I always even when we
talk about ethical non monogamy. It's like you don't need
to have like seven partners. When you start, like it
(42:34):
might just be we do three sums or we sext.
You can start like, is it a small step towards it.
Maybe it's not put popping your pussy at the club,
but it's popping your pussy at you know the bar,
you know.
Speaker 2 (42:50):
You know some high MD bars.
Speaker 3 (42:53):
I do hope that I that I that demand that
I'm with my partner. I hope that he is compassionate
and understanding, straight like that and just really open.
Speaker 2 (43:04):
To explore with me.
Speaker 3 (43:07):
I feel like you could bless up and just find
somebody that's willing to you know that eat your ask great,
you know, eats the upper whips great, pipes, you down well,
and you have no need for anybody else.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
Sure you know that'd be great.
Speaker 3 (43:21):
Yeah, But until then, you know, there's just a part
of like, you know me that's like I understand that
that Yeah, you know, there's so much I feel like
I left on the table. That's I hope I really
know what I want.
Speaker 1 (43:35):
Yeah, you know, I think the one thing that I
would or one of the many things that I would
offer this person is really start to before even fucked
anybody or even thinking about what you what you want
to do in your sex in your bedroom, is really
identifying what if these beliefs are truly yours? And what
(43:59):
are these beliefs when put on you? And what can
you break down? And again be very gentle. It's I
always say, it's a gentle interrogation. It's not it's not
with shame. It's not with guilt. It's not to make
you wrong or bad or hopeless or regret. It's just like, Okay,
let me look at what what am I saying in
this in this message? And what of this is a
(44:19):
feeling that I feel because it's true for me? Or
is a feeling I'm feeling because that's what I was
told and taught? Yeah, and then what of that can
I release? You know, I always ask the question, This
is the question that my book starts with, Oh, yes,
maybe I have a book. Yeah, But you know, the
question is who would I be of society never got
(44:39):
its hands on me? And that to.
Speaker 2 (44:42):
Me is almost.
Speaker 1 (44:45):
I loved it is who would I be of society
never got its hands on me? And I think any
of us, who are you know, stepping into our whole
journey and exploring what it means to be sexual?
Speaker 2 (44:56):
Why do even whole journey?
Speaker 1 (44:58):
I will the definition for hoe here h g aux
is okay, someone who is committed to the sexual liberation
of themselves and others, okay right now by thoughtfully interrogating
their relationship to sex using curiosity, communication, and compassion. So
that's what a hooe is here at tell me something messy.
I think it's important to gently interrogate what of these
(45:20):
beliefs belong to you? And what if these are societal
and what of them you can shed because they don't
belong to you. I think so many of us are
carrying and whether it's sex, whether it's career, whether it's relationship,
whether it's family, we're carrying baggage, expectations and responsibilities that
don't actually belong to us.
Speaker 2 (45:37):
We'll have to do a part too.
Speaker 3 (45:38):
We will do so much of that that's tied to,
like I said, how I grew up religion wise, societal pressures, Yeah,
work pressures, you know, with being able to I mean
obviously you want to be smart, not get your meat
where you get your bread necessarily.
Speaker 2 (45:52):
But you know, as you know where you can be one.
Don't get your meat where you get your bread?
Speaker 1 (45:58):
Okay, okay, would that be meat?
Speaker 2 (46:03):
We're getting this bread?
Speaker 1 (46:05):
Oh yeah, the grocery store, like but like they have.
Speaker 3 (46:15):
But you know, just so much of that is how
it's you know, inter office playing. Like I said, societal pressures,
religious pressures. My issues tap on all of those, you know,
being the new young black girl at b E T.
You don't want to be known as the one that
sleeps around and the and all these other things.
Speaker 2 (46:32):
If I if I were.
Speaker 3 (46:33):
To tell you your favorite favorite that were throwing that
dick in my direction that now when I see their movies,
I'm like.
Speaker 1 (46:39):
I should have just I should have the culture should
have just that I know that left I know how
he gets down.
Speaker 3 (46:54):
And I did it, you know, And there's there's so
much of that that it's just like not to say that.
You know, you need to be willing nilly about who
we give our bodies to. I think that, you know,
there's a beautiful thing about having ownership and onnus with
who you give your body to, but not feeling trapped
and not being able to show up.
Speaker 2 (47:12):
In life as your full free self.
Speaker 3 (47:15):
And I think that that's at the end of the day,
what I should God bless me to become a mother,
more specifically a mother of daughters. And this is something
that I'm partnering with my best guy friend and the
mother of my god daughter.
Speaker 2 (47:26):
Let her be free.
Speaker 3 (47:28):
Let's teach her safety, but let's teach her also the
freedom of choice and sexual liberation and making sure that
you've done whatever it is that makes you feel safe,
seen and happy, so that when you do enter into
a relationship or partnership and whatever the dynamics that may
entell you don't feel like you've left something on the
(47:51):
table to be done.
Speaker 1 (47:53):
You've lived, Yeah, and then you're just continuing to live.
Speaker 3 (47:57):
I just want the freedom more specifically to you know,
to women, because I can't speak for men or you know,
non binary can I know you can can't.
Speaker 2 (48:07):
I want people.
Speaker 1 (48:08):
You want people to be free, to.
Speaker 2 (48:10):
Feel free, especially when it pertains to sex.
Speaker 1 (48:14):
Cheers to freedom, Cheers.
Speaker 3 (48:15):
To freedom, and I hope that that that they find
their freedom. Yeah, person is I wish you freedom.
Speaker 2 (48:20):
I do.
Speaker 3 (48:20):
I wish you freedom and I wish you peace. And
I hope that whatever decisions you choose to make as
it pertains to you, know your sexual exploration. You do
whatever will allow you to look back on this section
of your life and feel like you've lived and you've
been free.
Speaker 1 (48:38):
And same to you, exactly same to you, Alicia. Don't apologize,
thank you for being here. Sorry, don't apologize. There's no apologies.
You being a bitch. That's not a bitch. You're being
a human. You're being a human, and we appreciate your
humanity tissue. Bitch just looking at me. My makeup is
(49:00):
your air because I like to watch the tears run
on my sister. Thank you, Alicia. We love you so much.
You know we're hose here, but we are hose with heart.
So before we go, let me speak to yours. I
think one of the things, or there were so many
(49:21):
things that came from the conversation with Alicia, but I
will continue to say until my final days. Who would
I be? A society never got its hands on me?
Who would you be? A society never got its hands
on you. Don't let perception or people's ideas, or societal
norms and narratives dictate your life. Build your own blueprint.
(49:44):
You know, if you start honing in your twenties, fabulous,
If you start holing in your sixties, fabulous, whatever it is.
Just follow your joy, follow your bliss. Don't worry about
other people think, because I'm gonna tell you right now,
when you're on your deathbed, you ain't gonna be worried about.
But Joe Schmo from you know, down the block was
thinking about your hotivities. You know you're gonna be thinking,
(50:08):
oh my god, I got bondaged up in that sex
party and had the time of my life. And I'm
glad I did that because at eighty please, honey, no bondage.
These fucking risks are Brittele okay, So live your fucking life.
Live it for you and I think be in I
would say daily, if not secondly, conversation with yourself, asking
(50:34):
what do I want? What do I want? Is this
what I want? Is this making me happy? What will
make me happy? What makes me buzz? We're not gonna
be happy at all times. We're not always gonna do
everything correctly and perfectly, and perfection is not the goal. Progress, process, growth,
that's the goal. The journey to our happiness is the goal.
(50:59):
We will experience lots of bouts of that, but it
only happens when we release other people's expectations, so do
yourself a favor. Fuck what everybody else thinks? Just fuck
all right? Well that is this show. You can find
me on Instagram at Brandon Kyle Goodman. Find this podcast
(51:20):
at tell Me Something Messy. You can join the community
on the Messy Monday's substack, which is kind of like
a patron but not. When you subscribe, you'll get weekly
posts on sex and self recommendations, playlist, and so much more. Also,
I do want to hear from you, so send your
topic ideas or stories, your messy stories to tell Me
(51:40):
Something Messy at gmail dot com or Baby, you can
call us at six six nine sixty nine messy. That's
sixty six nine six nine six three seven seventy nine
for who you hose who can't spell? Rate, Review and
share this podcast with all your hoe and aspiring hope
it really helps. Give it five stars. Baby, don't hold me,
(52:03):
I'll find you, okay until we meet again. Ask about
the politics of that dig before you make it spit.
Make sure they eat the kitty before they meet the kitty,
before fucation or stuckcation come inunication. And in case you
haven't heard it yet, today you are so deeply loved.
I Love you Fine. Thank you so much for listening
(52:24):
to Tell Me Something Messy. If you all enjoyed the show,
send the episode to someone else who might like it.
Tell Me Something Messy was executive produced by Ali Perry,
Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly. Our producer and editor is
Vince de Johnny. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio and the
Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app or anywhere you subscribe
to your favorite shows.
Spit play. I'm curious.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (00:02):
I don't know how I feel about bodily fluence being
on me unless it's.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Because we're doing the pull out living on the edge.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
God, I was noting that, you know what we do
here destroy shame around sex by talking about sex. Now,
let me tell you something messy. So a transformative sexual
experience there. You know, there have been many transformative sexual experiences.
(00:36):
But when I really think about the one that stands
out the most, it's having my ass eating, which sounds like,
you know, so regular regular, but I will were my job.
People were not talking about ass eating U so prevalently?
Is that the word? Is that the right word so
openly until very recently, Like I it was Lucas Gauge
(01:01):
in White Lotus when that scene happened, then everyone was like, oh,
ass eating? What's ass eating? Right? But before that people were,
you know, people were talking about in their dark corners,
but not like just openly on the internet, like I
have my ass eating Before that Lucas Gauge moment. I
can remember Chris Rock special. I forget which special it was,
but this is like I had to be a kid
the nineties and he was talking about. He did a
(01:22):
joke about tossing the salad or tossing your salad, and
that was the first introduction I had to what ass
eating was. Was it's called tossing your salad. And I
think that I forget the context of the joke, but
I think it was about, you know, being being in
jail and having your your salad tossed. So for me,
(01:43):
ass eating has always been like, what the heck is
that am I supposed to be doing that? Like there
were a lot of feelings around it, incorrect feelings, but
feeling something the less. And then I do remember shortly
after college, I attempted to eat somebody's ass and they
had they had a hairy booty, which I love a
hairy booty, but it was a lot of hair to
(02:03):
the point where it was matted, like there was an
ass hair not and so like that, and I was
too young to, like I was like twenty two twenty three,
I didn't know how to advocate for my boundaries or
to respectfully have a conversation about the ass hair not.
And so I just kind of swore off ass eating
because I didn't enjoy it, mostly because I eat the
(02:24):
asses of men, and you know, no disrespect to the
men listening, but oftentimes men do not know how to
keep them between their cheeks clean. And I know, I
know there are plenty of y'all listening right now who
know exactly what I'm talking about. I know a lot
of y'all like men, you have to remind them to
wash between their cheeks. I don't know who needs to
hear this, but please wash between your cheeks and your toes.
(02:47):
Bend over and wash between your fucking toes and wash
between your cheeks. Anyways, So I just kind of swore
off ass eating. And then a couple of years ago,
this is pre white loaves, look a scage. Couple of
years before that, I was talking to this guy on
Grinder and he said that he loved eating ass and
(03:09):
wanted to eat my ass. I was one of the
things that he said. And that wasn't the That wasn't
the sale for me. I wasn't like, oh yeah, fuck you.
As we already know, I didn't love the ass eating.
But what he did say to me before that was
I have bottom before, so I will take care of you.
Are you wet because I'm wet. That got me fucking wet.
(03:31):
I was like, what, like, you you'll take care of me?
And so then when he offered, he said, I want
to eat your ass. I was like, well, you said
you go take care of me, and I want to
know what that's about. So either way, whatever, I get
through this and then we'll do the other things.
Speaker 4 (03:44):
Baby.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
When I got there, this man he devoured my ass.
Let me set this up. I walked into the apartment,
I'm greeted by his one hundred pound German shepherd who
thinks he's a fucking, you know, chihuahuah, which I have
a sixty pound pit bull mix who also thinks the fuck.
So I was into it. And then we sat down
on the couch, uh, and he was like watching He
(04:05):
was playing video games, so, which what a boy work.
He's playing video games. We're sitting he lights a joint.
He's like, do you want to watch something? I say,
you know, Scandal because I was in the middle of
rewatching Scandal again, which shout out Shonda Rys and Kerry Washington,
all of the Scandal, the Gladiators, and so he puts
(04:27):
on Scandal and it's like some epith, like you know,
it's some some DC somebody's getting tortured. It was not
sexy vibes. And he's literally like, what did we watch it?
I was like, it's Olivia Pope put some respect on
her mother bucket. So he's like ha ha okay okay.
And then we're smoking a joint and he's like, well,
show me what that mouth do. And I was like, well,
this mouth does a lot of things, as y'all well
very well know. So we start making out and then
he leads me to the bedroom which he has mood lighting.
(04:50):
It's like a blue lighting. There's a scented candle. There's
a playlist of like Doja cat and and Ari Lennox
and like just all of my Torrian needs are being met,
and now he wants to eat my ass. Oh my god. Right, fine,
let's just get this over it. So I get on
(05:10):
all fours on the bed, which is in front of
his like Florida ceiling mirror, and baby, I'm looking I'm
looking cute. Listen, I'm looking at cute in that mirror.
And then I watch him in the mirror disappear between
my cheeks and then I saw, God, I don't know
how to explain it. I like he was there for
a solid thirty to forty minutes, and he could have
(05:34):
been there for thirty to forty more minutes. I had
never I thought that I didn't like having my ass eaten,
and I thought I didn't like eating ass. And the
reason this experience is so transformative was he taught me
that it was just being eaten wrong. He did things
to my whole that should be studied. They should put
it in books and mail it to every fucking man
(05:58):
in the world. Hey, this is how you fucking do it.
What's to that end? I learned? So he never let
me eat his ass, But I was taking my note.
I was taking notes. Every time we hooked up. I
was taking notes. I was like, Okay, he did that.
You did a little little thing the left, a little
thing to the right. You stuck it a little bit. Okay,
my God, on today Jesus will show up. Anyways, Welcome
to the show. This is Tell Me Something Messy. I'm
(06:19):
your host, Brandonkyle Goodman. And by the way, I love
when you give me prompts for these, So feel free
to tell me what kind of stories you want to
hear from my messy ho files by emailing tell Me
Something Messy at gmail dot com. All right, it's time
for our guest. Now, while they get situated, we'll get
our messy key key started with a hoe manifest stoe.
(06:41):
Oh my God, repeat after me aloud or in your head.
Grant me the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage
to heal, the wisdom to know that sex is not
just about penetration, the audacity to advocate for my pleasure
and boundaries. The strength to not call my ex that
fuck boy, fuck girl, or fuck bay, for it is
(07:02):
better to masturbate by myself in peace than to let
someone play in my motherfucking face. Not the community saying, holylujah,
there she is and the light is hit it too, y'all.
I am so excited to have Alicia Renee on the show.
I'm gonna do a little bio. She's sitting right next Hey. Okay,
hello Alisha. Wait, let me get the bio going. Okay,
(07:25):
this is messy show. Alisha Renee is the ultimate multi
hyphen it. She's the co creator, executive producer, and star
of Unleash for Love for Audible and co executive producers
Kevin Hart and Charlemagne the God. Okay, come on, go
off as an actor. Alicia's appeared in Come On Keyan,
Criminal Minds, New Girl, Magnum p I, and has recurred
(07:45):
on shows like Detroitter's and Grand Crew just to name
a few. Okay. Alicia began her career at Viacom, where
she hosted several top rated series across their networks, including
Hot Wired, The five and one O six in Park
for B E T. Alisha also starting Girl Code and
Guy Code. You've been You've been working. I'm good for
(08:05):
TV and it's worked for E News and b H
one on a multitude of shows. She's been the face
and voice behind multiple brand campaigns, including Get Ready for Honda, Wells, Fargo,
Home Depot, Proctor and Gamble, and McDonald's and Walmart. Go Ahead,
carry On, Alicia. We Gotta Show, We Gotta Show. Alisha
(08:28):
champions issues close to our art and close to our heart,
including women's empowerment, against domestic violence and abuse, and children's Right.
Y'all please help me welcome my sister. Yeah, we want
a little Halisha. How are you, baby? It's good, It's good.
(08:51):
It's good to see you. It's good to be seen.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
I will see that. It's good to see you.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
I'm it's good to be seen. We like to start
with a alue breaker. It's an ice breaker, but because
we're at this show, it's called alue breaker. That's a
little game chef's kiss, you know. Okay, So I'm gonna
play a game of smash or pass? Okay, all right,
So I'm gonna give you a thing. You're gonna tell
me you're gonna smash your pass. We'll see. It could
(09:21):
be an it could be a verb, it could be adjective.
I'm ready by okay, let's put this messy round of
smash or pass. Okay, here is smash or pass? Peas
in your mac and cheese? Answer? I know your answer,
but what's your ants? Come on?
Speaker 2 (09:32):
Say, what's my answer? Being this past all day? Every day?
Speaker 1 (09:35):
Can we talk about it? Though? Because you're a cook,
you cook upon around there are people who put peas.
There's one place I won't name them. I won't name them, huh.
I don't know if it's regional, but but maybe there's
a place here in La Not only do they put
peas in the mac and cheese, they put asparagus in
the mac and cheese.
Speaker 3 (09:54):
It's a white restaurant that sounds about white. I it's
a past.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
I don't whoever needs to hear this. Please don't put
no peas on your mac and cheese. You put a
little bacon if you want a little Hello. Absolutely. Have
you ever had a buffalo chicken mac and cheese?
Speaker 2 (10:08):
No? But you know what I do do.
Speaker 3 (10:10):
You can't have this though, because you have a shell.
But my Mattie Pooh can have Yes, I put shrimp
and broccoli when I'm making when I'm.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
Doing like a little extra razzle dazzle, but I will.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
That sounds like it could like if I was into shrimp.
That sounds like it would.
Speaker 3 (10:26):
Be if you would live, to tell I could live.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
You know, we know each other's visits.
Speaker 2 (10:35):
You know if you could live.
Speaker 1 (10:37):
Yeah, okay, work, smash your past hikes, Oh smash okay
cool for me, it's the past.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
Heavy on the past, the past.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
There will be stretches where Brandon and I for various reasons,
because life be life and both business and I will
just try to keep my hand on my person. And
when I tell you, the shutdown comes so expictitiously. When
I say, how about we go hike? It made me
like go grab like a salad or something.
Speaker 1 (11:06):
Heavy. Pass The way.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
The way it's said to me is almost as if
there's like a heavy dose of like judgment.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
I just have, I just I'm a girl who loves
a boundary. I stand a boundary. So when you asked
me for a hike, you're gonna get a swift quick, no, heavy, heavy, no,
a deep no. And then you ask a salad on
the side after we hike, You're gonna get me a salad.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
I mean, I'm trying to cut a corner.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
No, no, no, no no.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
If I were as snatched as you, then I can
under you are snatch.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
Everybody snatch. I don't need a salad.
Speaker 2 (11:37):
Though, better get any better.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
I pass on a hike, but smash a hike for you.
Matthew likes to hike too. Have you been hike together?
Speaker 2 (11:44):
We haven't. I'm actually overdue to love on my mind.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
He loves.
Speaker 2 (11:51):
I'm here to collect your husband.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
My dog loves a hike too, So yeah, the family
loves as a family, we as a as a unit,
the household, the heights. But for me, me and mind,
I'm always busy anyways, smash past, okay, smash your past.
Blindfolds and handcuffs yes, a scoria. Okay, bring the team
(12:22):
you want to do.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Let's give her husband a scorpio is good for you,
I thought, so.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
I love a scorpio.
Speaker 3 (12:32):
I know this.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
Smash your past spit play. I'm curious. I don't know
this about you.
Speaker 3 (12:39):
Do you want to think I was spat on one
time before I knew what it was, and I think
I was a little traumatized.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
And they didn't talk to you about it before, and.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
It was actually an abusive relationship.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
I don't the freaky deaky, sneaky connection you know, uh,
connotation like connected to it. It's more so like from
a place of like not being worthy being seen. So
I can't say because it hasn't been reintroduced in a
positive way.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
Yeah, but maybe I don't know.
Speaker 3 (13:10):
I don't know how I feel about bodily fluence being
on me unless it's.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Because we're doing the pull out man living.
Speaker 3 (13:21):
On the edge.
Speaker 1 (13:25):
I was not that this be a visual medium because
I had to push back ay from my mic WORDE.
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Is fair, that's fair, that's fair, that's fair.
Speaker 1 (13:40):
Absolutely, I'm with you. I love it, not, I do
like it. I do enjoy spit playing. I do think
it needs to be consensual. I do think your teeth
needs to be brushed. Hello, Hello, please don't nips. I
don't want ginger bitis t but I but I, but
I'm getting more and more into it, and I think
it's that's fun. Smash your past. Being called a good girl?
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Am I being a very bad girl?
Speaker 1 (14:06):
Okay? The way you're looking at me and speaking.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
His sister, sorry, please one is awkward, Like we're not
awkward if I'm being a very bad girl.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
You want to be called good girl? Being called a
good girl? I love that.
Speaker 2 (14:22):
It's like being obedient.
Speaker 1 (14:23):
I love also being called I see so I'm non binary,
so I call me good girl.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
Was about to say what pronouns would you like?
Speaker 1 (14:29):
You can use it, okay, but I love I need
to say your pronounce in your your bio, which is
she's an all that's right for we like good girl
or a good boy or good or good I have
(14:50):
good day. It's interesting because there's a lot of you know,
instead of daddy or maybe'll be called vady and I
don't really, that's not my favorite.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
It's not dropping down in. It's not for me.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
It's not making my whole twitch the way I like
to twitch. So good girl, a good boy.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
It doesn't make it perk up.
Speaker 1 (15:06):
It doesn't make up, you know, bady, But if it
does for you, I love that for you.
Speaker 2 (15:13):
It doesn't anyways.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Messy Patrons, if you have smashed or pass prompts or
other lube breaker ideas, feel free to email me tell
me something messy at gmail dot com. Lube lube.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
I thought you said loud as in something loo.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
It could be lud. It's a lube.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
I like lube.
Speaker 1 (15:34):
It is now time for messy mail, where we read
out messy patron stories and submissions. As always, your submissions
remain anonymous. One of your submissions will be my messy
pick for a messy kiki, which is a more in
depth convo with a lhu. So I do have a
few messy kikey guidelines, okay. One, things get to be
(15:54):
unprocessed to any thoughts or opinions shared, have the right
to evolve, shift or change today, tomorrow, ten years from now,
and three. If during the key key something feels too
personal or unintentionally offends, we use the safe word foosball,
which who's which gives us a chance to pause and
(16:14):
address or pivot accordingly. Okay, sound good, all right, beautiful,
those guidelines, those are all of our guys. Okay, okay, yeah,
for y'all listening, that's our guidelines. If you're you know,
if you're listening to wherever you're listening to this, you
could say foodsball. We won't hear it, because that's not
how the technology works quite yet.
Speaker 3 (16:30):
But you can be mad at that red light and
you give me helm, you.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Know, but you can also email us and be like, oh,
this is why this was a foosball, because I love
hearing that stuff as well. All right, cool, speaking of Alicia,
tell me something messy, something messy.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Ooh not not totaling of the fingers. It's so funny.
Speaker 3 (16:52):
This guy that I had a dalliance with once upon
a time called me the other day for a quote
unquote work opportunity and kept sliding in there that I
was the one that got away and that he did
a job with my ex. And I'm very proud of
myself that I did not take that opportunity to be
(17:14):
like and I got rid of both of you.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Very cute, but I.
Speaker 3 (17:24):
Was very proud of my growth, growth, growth, But no,
all jokes aside, and it's so funny because even with
the industry being where it is right now, where a
lot of studios and productions are doing, they're now like
reeling back on and so work is challenging, not non existent,
because you know, I like to watch my words. Absolutely
I could use every yes that comes my way. But
(17:48):
there was this part of me that was like, you know, God,
you can let that pass me by because I know
it's going to come with hell.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
You know what this is like to me? That is
growing up?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Okay, well message, no.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
It's it's it is I that was It's messy that
they reached out and a work opportunity and then also
sliding in to try and.
Speaker 2 (18:09):
Be like, I'm the one that got away.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
Oh I worked with your eggs on this previous spy.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
I was out of here. Please would you like a cookie? Period?
Speaker 3 (18:18):
I legitimately be and I really am like, I don't
think it's set up because my previous relationship was very angular.
Speaker 2 (18:26):
I was being used in many ways.
Speaker 3 (18:30):
I was very proud of myself that I did not
take that opportunity to be like I.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Don't give a fuck. I just said, oh, okay, well listen.
Speaker 1 (18:38):
I think a lot of people, you know, whatever an
ex reaches out, sometimes it's really hard not to take
the bait. And so it is to me it is
a sign of growth when you're like I can force,
I can foresee what's going to happen, and I know
this game, I know this path, and I'm going to
interrupt my pattern and say no to that or not engaged.
Speaker 2 (18:57):
And that's humane, man, even to the of like needing
to work.
Speaker 3 (19:02):
And I got off the phone and I said, but
not that way.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
That's tea something about the universe and being like I
know when something is for me.
Speaker 2 (19:11):
And when there is peace, yes.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
And it's also just important to know when there won't
be peace in it and way and to trust because
the fear, the fear that we have and we all
in these relationships and our careers and our relationships make
us stay in environments or situations that aren't good for us.
Speaker 3 (19:33):
Like one of the main things that I needed to
push away from that situation. And again, whether you call it,
I don't know, if it's the universe testing how bad
we want something, or to believe in heaven is to
know that there also is a hell that exists. And
so the devil likes to roam about tricking us with things.
You know, how bad do you want a thing? Not
(19:54):
at the risk of my peace.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
Never at the risk of ones, no matter what.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
For whatever your your faith, whatever you believe, and however
you in this world, do not compromise your peace. Yeah,
in an effect, you know, and you can feel it
in your gut, like that's the thing, Like, you know.
And as one devotes and advocates for themselves and learns
how to advocate for themselves, the voices get clearer, like
(20:20):
those instincts clearer. But there is a gut punch that
happens when somebody comes into your space, when somebody messages you,
there's a gut punch. And before the butterflies happen, you know,
because the butterflies might come in those butterflies might be fake.
But there is a punch that happens where you're like, huh.
And if you ever get that huh.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Yeah, run from it. Run at the very.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
Least interrogate that, the very least ask me curious like why.
Speaker 2 (20:49):
Am I hunt or at least person with trepidation.
Speaker 3 (20:52):
Yes, there is there's a world where because even including
my eggx, I knew that that wasn't an avenue that
I needed to bark down. But because I had been
single for so long, I swallowed that and I just
moved in the opposite direction.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
I want to swallow different things, you know. Sorry, Yeah,
the nut.
Speaker 2 (21:07):
No, I'm not, it's nutritious.
Speaker 3 (21:16):
Yeah. With that guy, I said, you know, God, you've
you've kept me going for twenty years, and I know
you're going to keep me going for way more.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
That opportunity, ain't it.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
Absolutely, that's not it. That's also I'm going to pass
that test. That's just I think, also a lesson in life,
just because something sounds good, if there's anything in your
gut that goes I don't know, to honor it. Got
to honor it and trust that things are abundant enough
that something else.
Speaker 3 (21:41):
That's why I say, Okay, God, so I know you
heard me, heard me, because because that came because not
only did you hear me, but the double krag pass
in the room too.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
You said, you said out, Yeah, thank you so much
for sharing that message, for the space to share that
of course. Okay, So let's key key. So the first
one says, my sister is mad at me for calling
her entitled. She wanted a fifty k loan asap and
didn't express gratitude.
Speaker 2 (22:10):
Can I be in that family?
Speaker 1 (22:13):
Fifty ask lord? I wish I had somebody to ask
fifty K for me. Well, I mean, you know that's
crazy that she's mad at you for calling her entitled
after asking for that money and not expressing gratitude. I
(22:34):
do think, what what do you think about loaning loaning
money to family?
Speaker 3 (22:40):
I have adopted the mentality of when it comes to family,
I am just going to give it if I have it.
Speaker 1 (22:47):
I don't.
Speaker 3 (22:47):
I don't equate the loan just because I've been just
disappointed too many times when I extended it as a
loan and it never got repaid. I think the best
thing for me is is if I have it, and
that is if I have it in my checking account. Yes,
a rule that I implemented too late was one that actually
my brother and I, speaking of siblings, came to together
(23:09):
that if we don't have it in our checking any
of our checking accounts without having a touch emergency funds
or savings, you don't have it till loan. Yeah, you know,
to give, Sorry you don't have it to give. And
so once I adopted that, I don't miss what I
put out there.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
My godfather had actually told me that I was probably
twenty five or twenty six. Yeah, and he was like,
I think I had asked I think I asked him
for money because I was just out of a really
bad relationship and was trying to get my get your footing,
getting my footing. And he was like, he had told
me that he doesn't loan money that he needs to
(23:47):
get back, so he you know, he'll loan it quote unquote,
but never expects it back. But if he is expecting
it back, he won't loan it. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
And it's also which is the.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Same with similar to your like if I don't have it,
it's like I'll give it without expectation back if you can,
but also like I'm not looking to get.
Speaker 3 (24:06):
This back, right, I mean two edged, Sure, give it
back if you can't. When I for the most part though,
when I give money out, it doesn't come with the
caveat of give it back if you can.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
It's just here.
Speaker 3 (24:18):
But I do take note the amount of times and
who is drawing from the.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
Well you know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
Well, just because you don't.
Speaker 3 (24:26):
Want to condition people to look at you as their
problem solving and that's a lesson that I learned myself
entirely too late. I did not realize that I was
erecting myself as the savior of those people that if
it doesn't get done, and whenever I have it, I
got to expend it, you know, it won't get done.
And so then when I hit my hard walls because
(24:48):
ebbs and flows. This is the entertainment business, and sometimes
it's sometimes the ship. Next thing, you know, your face down,
ass up with nothing, when your back is up against Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
That's real. That's real. Yeah Forgret, that's real. Okay. The
next one says, thought I was going to start a throttle,
but their partner, you know.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
It's Wednesday. I thought I was gonna get it happened and.
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Thought I was going to start a threatle but their
partner knew but didn't want that. I found this out
upon visiting and having compost with the partner. Help, I
need communication tips.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
Can you imagine stick in your hands?
Speaker 1 (25:23):
Could you imagine show it up to me? Oh, I'm
gonna be with these two people and only one of
them knows about it and the other doesn't. That is
that one the person writing in not your fault and
also in terms of communication tips, well, the communication has
already started off, and I would actually have some red
flags on this relationship that like, the person you're talking
(25:45):
to allowed you to even come over to the house
and their other partner wasn't clued in on the fact
that we're here to do this non monogamous throttle. So
before even communication tips, I would be like run. But
for the future I would absolutebsolutely ask these questions straight up.
One of my friends actually suggested, so, she is married
(26:07):
and they're not monogamous, and when they date other people,
they put everybody in one.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Group trying ethically non monogo ethically.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
Not monogamous, but they put everyone, Yes, they put everyone
in the same group thread so that there's not for them.
It works that there are not side conversations happening, but
everyone is involved and knows sure, and well, if you're
doing ethical nominogamy, the hope is we keep it out. Yeah,
because we're non monogamous. There's no reason just around we've
(26:37):
agreed to do this. But you know, making sure that
you inform everyone from the jumping that you have contact
with everyone from the start, will.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
Say when people take your consent away, you know, like,
I don't like being involved in situations where I'm not
given the full scope of things so that I can
make a well informed decision that is really.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
To me key on everything. It's like you want people
to have agency.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
Choice and a ton especially when it comes to sex acts.
Speaker 3 (27:01):
Yes, Like I like to be as free as possible
when i'm you know, with the person I'm doing the
sex with, and there isn't anything more like like alarming
than when you enter into a scenario and not all
information has been disclosed kind of figure it out on
the day, Like that doesn't make me feel good.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
I think that's why people sometimes it's not sexy. I
love one, I love the schedule sex. Whatever you think
about that is up to you. Before I have sex,
especially if it's with a new partner, I like to
ask them what they're turn ons on. And we don't
have to like there obviously there might be a whole
toolbox of things that we're into and we don't have
to go through everything, but at just like the top five.
Speaker 3 (27:43):
You know, and just the beauty to that discovery. Yes,
you know there is a beauty to that discovery. Not
to say that, yeah, I mean I get it, Like
some some portion of like overly discussing sex and the
things that we like to do can take the sexiness.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Out of sure, the spontaneity, yes, but.
Speaker 3 (28:00):
There are certain things that we need to just make
sure that we're both on the same page, or all
the three of us are on the.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
Four or five of us.
Speaker 3 (28:09):
Involved.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
Yes, absolutely, but it sets up it sets up a playground. Yeah,
even just like having those first three or four things
that you're turned on by and I'm turned on gives
us a little blueprint. And also why I love this
is because when you do need to communicate in the
middle of sex, you've already started to work that muscle beforehand,
so it's not like an awkward, fresh new thing.
Speaker 3 (28:31):
I would just say for this person, I think the
first place to start is is like putting that tool
now in your tool Yes, right, So making sure that
that's a question that they endeavor to ask ahead of time.
Are all parties involved fully aware of what we're wanting
to engage in, and does everyone give their consent?
Speaker 1 (28:51):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (28:51):
You know, so I think that's direct, and I think
it's it's like me, Yes, I did when I first
got to be et, I did the wrap it up
tour and so I know how I.
Speaker 1 (29:05):
Know, and the wrap it up tours about the promoting condoms, right, yes.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
The adficacy of safe sex.
Speaker 3 (29:11):
Hey, if you're uncomfortable talking about what's your status and
the things that you want, you don't need to be
all up in this bowl. I'm twenty thousand percent okay
with easing down the yellow brick road. If we can't
have open and honest conversations about you know, your sad,
your status. You know, are you actively seeing other people?
Speaker 2 (29:28):
I don't need to know your.
Speaker 3 (29:29):
Number true, actively engaging in the six with other people
outside of us, because you know, you need to know.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
Part of sex, part of being a great partner is
not just like your ability to dick me down deep,
but it's your your willingness to have conversations. You know,
not just that you can throw it fuck me the
way I like, but that you can also have these
conversations around our health and that you know your health
and my health is really important.
Speaker 3 (29:56):
And so like, if you're clutching your pearls when we're
having to talk about the health of our sex and
protecting that, it just makes me feel like you're just
gonna be out here Willy nearly dicking down everybody, which you.
Speaker 1 (30:06):
Can do that if you want to, but tell it,
I'll do.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
It over there.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
But but it's to each their own talk about it.
Speaker 3 (30:14):
Everyone has their own traumas and their fears and their
insecurities as it pertains to sex. And because of certain
things that I endured within relationships, there's a certain level
of transparency and honesty, certain things that I won't engage
in that I need to be able to have the
full scope.
Speaker 2 (30:28):
Of that conversation absolutely, and if.
Speaker 3 (30:30):
You're uncomfortable or you're not willing to have it, I
can pack up my kiddy.
Speaker 2 (30:33):
I'm more than happy with packing my plus.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
But I think I think that this is such an
important thing to highlight, which is that if you're having
these direct conversations or you're communicating and you notice that
the partner is shutting down or skittish, that maybe that's
not the right person to engage sexually with.
Speaker 3 (30:58):
Now.
Speaker 1 (30:58):
Of course, if this is your partner that you dating
and you're seeing, then this is something to work on.
This yeah, to unpack. But definitely if you're like, oh,
I'm just like hooking up with this random person or
met this person at a club and they don't want
to talk about these things, then that might not be
a right match for you. Yeah you want, I will
tell you that I have. I have the best sex,
(31:20):
the most mind blowing sex with people who want to
talk about sex. Okay, So my messy pick for today
is trying to explore my sexual desires. But I'm single
in my forties and fear I've started too late. I
want to go out to parties and things and maybe
meet potential guys or girls, but at my big age,
(31:41):
it feels like I can't or shouldn't. Most of my
friends are partners. I'm feeling lonely on my whole journey. Oh,
talk to me.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
No, it's just it's triggering.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
Sorry, is this foosball moment? We could take a moment?
Weird name.
Speaker 3 (32:06):
No, it's That's one thing that I've really been having
a conversation with my higher power about as of late.
And I think I shared this with you before, you know,
just feeling like I got my start in this business
when I was in my twenties. You know, I just
turned twenty twenty one. I just turned twenty one, and
there were so many things because I grew up in
the South. I grew up Southern Baptist, and I grew
(32:27):
up Catholic. This is just so your readers and readers,
your listeners can have some context. Brandon knows a lot
of these things about me already. And so I grew
up like under the two of the strictest denominations under
you know, the Christian faith and so and during that time,
you know, almost twenty years ago, respectability politics was so
much a thing that you know, I was the new
young black girl at BET and you know, there was
(32:50):
this make sure you don't sleep around because you'll get it,
you'll get a name. And yeah, once you start, you know,
screwing to get your way to the top, like you
have to keep on. And there were so many things,
so many and I wish that I had experienced during
that time when a lot of people in their twenties
were explorative, They were able to figure out what they
liked sexually, they were able to go, you know, go
to the parties late and wake up and get to
(33:11):
the jobs or whatever and do the things that I
didn't get to because there was the responsibility.
Speaker 2 (33:16):
There was the perception of.
Speaker 3 (33:18):
It all, there was the image of it all that
now you know, being a woman over the age of
thirty five, I'm like, at this big age, I feel
like that time has gone and I feel insecure in
a lot of ways as it pertains to sex, because
I just happened to have a couple of, you know,
(33:39):
stories with guys that I was either in a serious
relationship with or be you know, a good friend can
be a great lover, and you know, although so I
just happened to have a couple of wonky stories, but
I can count on one and a half hands the
amount of men that I've given my body to. And
this is as a woman who's over the age of
thirty five, and I feel weird about that.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
Why do you feel weird about that?
Speaker 3 (34:03):
Because there's a lot of things sexually that I haven't explored,
that I haven't done. You know, there's a lot of
exploration as it pertains to what I do like sexually
that came from self. And I'm not saying that there's
anything wrong with self exploration. I think that that's probably
the highest thing that we can do to make sure
that at the end of the day, we can we
can get ourselves off right, we can get happy because
you can be in a relationship with someone and they
(34:23):
could you know, something could happen God forbid, and they're
not able to perform sex or whatever. You want to
make sure that you can take care of you sure,
whatever that may be.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
You know.
Speaker 3 (34:32):
Yeah, I had a conversation with my mom. My mom
got married at eighteen. She was a virgin when she
married my dad, and so there's a lot of things
that she did not explore that when they both made
their mistakes within the marriage, a lot of it was
because she was just ignorant to what the world looked
like outside of this one relationship. I endeavor to not
(34:54):
let history repeat itself, but I feel trapped by the
what will that look like at this age? There's also
a at this age, I want to be married now.
I want to I want to meet my person. Is
there going to be a guy out there that is
understanding of the fact that though I have lived in
some other areas, there's a part of when it comes
to pleasing him, he's going to have to teach me
(35:15):
and he's not going to judge me and be like, you.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
Don't know already how to do this, or you don't
know how ready to do that. You understand what I'm saying, yeah,
I mean it's just triggering.
Speaker 1 (35:23):
Sure, sure, one, thank you for being so open about that,
because I'm sure.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
I was doing that the entire time you were rubbing
your fucking.
Speaker 4 (35:31):
I was rubbing not my nipples, my stomach because I
haven't eaten and he a growl on this big mic, not.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
During that convers sharing my God with God, the way
that we can go from emotional to a thousand ridiculous.
Thank you for sharing that, because I know that you're
obviously not the only person that feels that and might
have heard that submission and felt overwhelmed with emotion as well.
Expect me to.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
Yeah, it's really it's.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
Well, can I say a couple things to your heart.
One is yes, there will be a man and men
who will one thousand percent have empathy and open heartedness
and vulnerability with you. That's the partner you should have,
regardless of whatever your sexual experience is. Somebody who is like, yeah,
I want to explore. I don't want to just explore,
(36:29):
but I want to be your teammate in this whatever,
this is this life thing. I always say that, like,
and you know this is Matthew and I are entering
it will be nine years in June. By the time
this comes out, we will be together for nine years totally.
Speaker 3 (36:41):
Yeah, we've known each other then for ten Because you
guys were dating for a good amount of time.
Speaker 1 (36:45):
We've known each other for almost the same amount because
Matthew and I met shortly before you and I said
I met yeah, yeah, yeah, Oh my god, that's crazy.
But we I talk about calling Matthew my partner more
than my husband or my spouse because the husband and
wife you tend to have these expectations and gender roles.
(37:05):
That is not a partner, right, Like what you need
and what you want in your whatever, whether it's a
marriage or relationship, as a partner, somebody who has your back,
who you can grow with, who you can be vulnerable with,
who you can say I don't know how to do that.
They're like, I know how to do it, and you
don't know how to do that. Like that's what you're
that we want and that's what you deserve, and a
one thousand believe that that person is out there waiting
(37:29):
for you and waiting to treat that puss right, you
know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (37:39):
So, And it's funny because it's like not that I
not that I'm like, you know, virginal or anything. It's
just you know, I've been in seven serious relationships.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
I've had like nine sexual encounters.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
I know. It's you know, what is it faux to
say numbers? And I'm not saying that to It's just right,
we're just having the discussion. Yeah I can name every
sexual partner, Yeah I had, and then I don't with that,
But it's not something necessarily that I'm just like waving
around as a flag. And what I mean by that
is is I admire this new generation that has more
(38:15):
sexual onus and freedom to be. I think that there's
something wrong when we tell more specifically women that you
have to be chased and that you need to make
sure that you maintain this pristine image, you know, and
and make sure that the man that you're with can
you know, he doesn't have to like he can't stick
his whole hand inside of you and just have room
to mayor you know what I mean. But meanwhile, back
(38:37):
at the ranch, we teach young boys that they can
fuck whatever, you know, and like it's like whatever you
whatever you whatever you decide, may it.
Speaker 2 (38:47):
Be good for you.
Speaker 1 (38:49):
There is a generation I think it's millennials who are
stepping into their sexuality in ways that we were raised
to not believe that we could. I would say that
even as like a male bodied individ in my twenties,
I also had a whole lot of stuff around HIV,
around STI S that like did not make me as
sexually active as maybe, uh, you know somebody in their
(39:10):
twenties is right now because we're just having different conversations
around bottoming. You know, we've only just now in the
recent couple of years, have been open about oh I'm
a bottom, we're like eating ass. But there's been a
lot of I group with a lot of bottom shame,
a lot of shame around eating as eating ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
absolutely you must please.
Speaker 2 (39:30):
Do you eat?
Speaker 3 (39:33):
Please eat you don't get on these buns, baby, you
can't get I love to eat ass.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
I love I haven't eaten ass before. There's nothing.
Speaker 1 (39:44):
And you know what, you dabble with straight men, Yeah
that's okay, not doubt.
Speaker 2 (39:50):
You know, you dip your tongue into straight water.
Speaker 1 (39:55):
And no disrespect. But there are many straight men who.
Speaker 3 (39:58):
You know, don't don't there's still a lot of connotations.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Well, they have to learn how to clean that booty.
You know, we're getting off topic because what I want
to say is what you were saying talking earlier about
feeling about how you feel about exploring your sexuality at
this big age. And there's a twofold, right, because a
lot of this is societal, yes, And I think that
some of our work and what I think this podcast
(40:23):
is and people listening and our work as individuals is
to fight against that and advocate for ourselves and go
fuck the perception of what it means for me to
be at this age. This is what I want to do.
I want to explore sexually. I want there has to
be a way for me to do that, and there is,
and so like finding the resources and the support to
(40:44):
know that you're not wrong.
Speaker 3 (40:52):
It's challenging to in a way be what I mean
by that is well because also when you reach a
certain age, there may be certain things in life that
you want that there's not necessarily space to be, you know,
pussy popping on a headstand. And what I mean by
the way, well, because now I'm just.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
Saying looking at me like that, why.
Speaker 3 (41:12):
There's you know it really it honestly truly just depends
on what it is that you're looking for and what
parameters you have set for yourself, right, Because I'm sure
if I were the type to be secure enough or
even desired enough to have an open relationship, whatever magnitude,
then yeah, I guess I'd have more time. Sure, Right,
(41:33):
I'm a I'm very jealous and possessive, heavy on the mind,
deep on the dick, and so there's no sharing is
caring for me?
Speaker 1 (41:48):
Sure?
Speaker 3 (41:49):
And so that leaves me with if I desire to
have a relationship and maybe children soon, there isn't much
runway as far as you know, time to just go
out there and be all willy nilly. And it could
be because it's so ingrained in me that society, you know,
has told me that women have to be a little
more chaste than men. Yeah, that I don't feel that free.
So I understand their sentiment.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
But I think that that's why I totally understand their
sentiment and understand yours. And I think that in some
ways it's like that is the beginning of the work,
is like how much of this belongs to me? And
are my beliefs? And how much of this has been
put on me? And again, I always even when we
talk about ethical non monogamy. It's like you don't need
to have like seven partners. When you start, like it
(42:34):
might just be we do three sums or we sext.
You can start like, is it a small step towards it.
Maybe it's not put popping your pussy at the club,
but it's popping your pussy at you know the bar,
you know.
Speaker 2 (42:50):
You know some high MD bars.
Speaker 3 (42:53):
I do hope that I that I that demand that
I'm with my partner. I hope that he is compassionate
and understanding, straight like that and just really open.
Speaker 2 (43:04):
To explore with me.
Speaker 3 (43:07):
I feel like you could bless up and just find
somebody that's willing to you know that eat your ask great,
you know, eats the upper whips great, pipes, you down well,
and you have no need for anybody else.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
Sure you know that'd be great.
Speaker 3 (43:21):
Yeah, But until then, you know, there's just a part
of like, you know me that's like I understand that
that Yeah, you know, there's so much I feel like
I left on the table. That's I hope I really
know what I want.
Speaker 1 (43:35):
Yeah, you know, I think the one thing that I
would or one of the many things that I would
offer this person is really start to before even fucked
anybody or even thinking about what you what you want
to do in your sex in your bedroom, is really
identifying what if these beliefs are truly yours? And what
(43:59):
are these beliefs when put on you? And what can
you break down? And again be very gentle. It's I
always say, it's a gentle interrogation. It's not it's not
with shame. It's not with guilt. It's not to make
you wrong or bad or hopeless or regret. It's just like, Okay,
let me look at what what am I saying in
this in this message? And what of this is a
(44:19):
feeling that I feel because it's true for me? Or
is a feeling I'm feeling because that's what I was
told and taught? Yeah, and then what of that can
I release? You know, I always ask the question, This
is the question that my book starts with, Oh, yes,
maybe I have a book. Yeah, But you know, the
question is who would I be of society never got
(44:39):
its hands on me? And that to.
Speaker 2 (44:42):
Me is almost.
Speaker 1 (44:45):
I loved it is who would I be of society
never got its hands on me? And I think any
of us, who are you know, stepping into our whole
journey and exploring what it means to be sexual?
Speaker 2 (44:56):
Why do even whole journey?
Speaker 1 (44:58):
I will the definition for hoe here h g aux
is okay, someone who is committed to the sexual liberation
of themselves and others, okay right now by thoughtfully interrogating
their relationship to sex using curiosity, communication, and compassion. So
that's what a hooe is here at tell me something messy.
I think it's important to gently interrogate what of these
(45:20):
beliefs belong to you? And what if these are societal
and what of them you can shed because they don't
belong to you. I think so many of us are
carrying and whether it's sex, whether it's career, whether it's relationship,
whether it's family, we're carrying baggage, expectations and responsibilities that
don't actually belong to us.
Speaker 2 (45:37):
We'll have to do a part too.
Speaker 3 (45:38):
We will do so much of that that's tied to,
like I said, how I grew up religion wise, societal pressures, Yeah,
work pressures, you know, with being able to I mean
obviously you want to be smart, not get your meat
where you get your bread necessarily.
Speaker 2 (45:52):
But you know, as you know where you can be one.
Don't get your meat where you get your bread?
Speaker 1 (45:58):
Okay, okay, would that be meat?
Speaker 2 (46:03):
We're getting this bread?
Speaker 1 (46:05):
Oh yeah, the grocery store, like but like they have.
Speaker 3 (46:15):
But you know, just so much of that is how
it's you know, inter office playing. Like I said, societal pressures,
religious pressures. My issues tap on all of those, you know,
being the new young black girl at b E T.
You don't want to be known as the one that
sleeps around and the and all these other things.
Speaker 2 (46:32):
If I if I were.
Speaker 3 (46:33):
To tell you your favorite favorite that were throwing that
dick in my direction that now when I see their movies,
I'm like.
Speaker 1 (46:39):
I should have just I should have the culture should
have just that I know that left I know how
he gets down.
Speaker 3 (46:54):
And I did it, you know, And there's there's so
much of that that it's just like not to say that.
You know, you need to be willing nilly about who
we give our bodies to. I think that, you know,
there's a beautiful thing about having ownership and onnus with
who you give your body to, but not feeling trapped
and not being able to show up.
Speaker 2 (47:12):
In life as your full free self.
Speaker 3 (47:15):
And I think that that's at the end of the day,
what I should God bless me to become a mother,
more specifically a mother of daughters. And this is something
that I'm partnering with my best guy friend and the
mother of my god daughter.
Speaker 2 (47:26):
Let her be free.
Speaker 3 (47:28):
Let's teach her safety, but let's teach her also the
freedom of choice and sexual liberation and making sure that
you've done whatever it is that makes you feel safe,
seen and happy, so that when you do enter into
a relationship or partnership and whatever the dynamics that may
entell you don't feel like you've left something on the
(47:51):
table to be done.
Speaker 1 (47:53):
You've lived, Yeah, and then you're just continuing to live.
Speaker 3 (47:57):
I just want the freedom more specifically to you know,
to women, because I can't speak for men or you know,
non binary can I know you can can't.
Speaker 2 (48:07):
I want people.
Speaker 1 (48:08):
You want people to be free, to.
Speaker 2 (48:10):
Feel free, especially when it pertains to sex.
Speaker 1 (48:14):
Cheers to freedom, Cheers.
Speaker 3 (48:15):
To freedom, and I hope that that that they find
their freedom. Yeah, person is I wish you freedom.
Speaker 2 (48:20):
I do.
Speaker 3 (48:20):
I wish you freedom and I wish you peace. And
I hope that whatever decisions you choose to make as
it pertains to you, know your sexual exploration. You do
whatever will allow you to look back on this section
of your life and feel like you've lived and you've
been free.
Speaker 1 (48:38):
And same to you, exactly same to you, Alicia. Don't apologize,
thank you for being here. Sorry, don't apologize. There's no apologies.
You being a bitch. That's not a bitch. You're being
a human. You're being a human, and we appreciate your
humanity tissue. Bitch just looking at me. My makeup is
(49:00):
your air because I like to watch the tears run
on my sister. Thank you, Alicia. We love you so much.
You know we're hose here, but we are hose with heart.
So before we go, let me speak to yours. I
think one of the things, or there were so many
(49:21):
things that came from the conversation with Alicia, but I
will continue to say until my final days. Who would
I be? A society never got its hands on me?
Who would you be? A society never got its hands
on you. Don't let perception or people's ideas, or societal
norms and narratives dictate your life. Build your own blueprint.
(49:44):
You know, if you start honing in your twenties, fabulous,
If you start holing in your sixties, fabulous, whatever it is.
Just follow your joy, follow your bliss. Don't worry about
other people think, because I'm gonna tell you right now,
when you're on your deathbed, you ain't gonna be worried about.
But Joe Schmo from you know, down the block was
thinking about your hotivities. You know you're gonna be thinking,
(50:08):
oh my god, I got bondaged up in that sex
party and had the time of my life. And I'm
glad I did that because at eighty please, honey, no bondage.
These fucking risks are Brittele okay, So live your fucking life.
Live it for you and I think be in I
would say daily, if not secondly, conversation with yourself, asking
(50:34):
what do I want? What do I want? Is this
what I want? Is this making me happy? What will
make me happy? What makes me buzz? We're not gonna
be happy at all times. We're not always gonna do
everything correctly and perfectly, and perfection is not the goal. Progress, process, growth,
that's the goal. The journey to our happiness is the goal.
(50:59):
We will experience lots of bouts of that, but it
only happens when we release other people's expectations, so do
yourself a favor. Fuck what everybody else thinks? Just fuck
all right? Well that is this show. You can find
me on Instagram at Brandon Kyle Goodman. Find this podcast
(51:20):
at tell Me Something Messy. You can join the community
on the Messy Monday's substack, which is kind of like
a patron but not. When you subscribe, you'll get weekly
posts on sex and self recommendations, playlist, and so much more. Also,
I do want to hear from you, so send your
topic ideas or stories, your messy stories to tell Me
(51:40):
Something Messy at gmail dot com or Baby, you can
call us at six six nine sixty nine messy. That's
sixty six nine six nine six three seven seventy nine
for who you hose who can't spell? Rate, Review and
share this podcast with all your hoe and aspiring hope
it really helps. Give it five stars. Baby, don't hold me,
(52:03):
I'll find you, okay until we meet again. Ask about
the politics of that dig before you make it spit.
Make sure they eat the kitty before they meet the kitty,
before fucation or stuckcation come inunication. And in case you
haven't heard it yet, today you are so deeply loved.
I Love you Fine. Thank you so much for listening
(52:24):
to Tell Me Something Messy. If you all enjoyed the show,
send the episode to someone else who might like it.
Tell Me Something Messy was executive produced by Ali Perry,
Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly. Our producer and editor is
Vince de Johnny. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio and the
Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app or anywhere you subscribe
to your favorite shows.
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