December 26, 2024 • 57 mins
Brandon surrounds themselves with their chosen fam Kyle June Williams and nicHi Douglas this holiday season in a special Christmas episode filled with laughter and mess. But no holiday is complete without a deep dive into what it means to discover your queerness and being okay with just yourself.
Find Kyle June on IG at: https://www.instagram.com/kylejune/
Find nicHi on IG at: https://www.instagram.com/mynameisnichi/
Follow Brandon on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brandonkylegoodman
Join the C'Heauxmunity at https://brandonkylegoodman.substack.com/
Submit your own messy story or question at TellMeSomethingMessy@gmail.com or call (669) 696-3779
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The ability to sort of claim queer, not being able
to say it till later on in life, and even today,
I no one else is telling me I'm not queer enough.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
It's only me.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
Oh, you know what we do here destroy shame around
sex by talking about sex. Now, let me tell you
something messy Mary, Christmas, Happy Holidays, or as we say here,
happy holidays. Okay, So I wanted to pick us some
(00:38):
kind of Christmas holiday themed messy story. So have you
heard of winter penis condition? I don't know if it's true.
It's sounding a lot like blue balls, but let's talk
about it. So apparently there is something called winter penis
condition that may reduce amen's genitalia up to fifty percent.
(00:58):
Let me read. I found this by the Dasmin brand,
you know, because I do be following my little messy,
little messy gossip accounts for a little messy pop culture accounts.
So it says men around the world are being put
on notice about winter penis. According to reports UK, doctor
Hey UK Donald Grant is spreading the message about the
(01:21):
temporary condition, letting men know that it may impact their
ability to perform sexually and could reduce their genitals by
fifty percent. A report from the New York Posts further
explained as the temperature drops, the male penis recedes into
the body to maintain body heat, resulting is this real
(01:45):
resulting in restricts? I mean, listen, if it's real, Like
you know, I'm not laughing at you, but I just
it's sealing, sus and its resulting in restricted blood flow,
while slowed circulation makes achieving an erection difficult when this
thermostat drops. The doctor noted that the condition can affect
men of all ages and typically reverses as the temperature increases.
(02:06):
Medication is usually not prescribed, but can be for extreme situations.
I mean, I'll be fucking in the winter. The winter
has not re stot my dick from working. But now
I'm curious because because here's what I'll say I did
over the summer. I was like, my tickets is looking
real big these days. I was like when I was
(02:28):
at Madrid and London, Hey UK, I was like, I was,
you know, because whenever I'm away and I'm at a hotel,
hotels make me horny. You have to know, a hotel
or an airbnb makes me horny. All I want to
do is take photos of myself and videos of my
whole and send them to people. So I was in
London in the hotel taking the photos and I was like,
(02:49):
my dick is looking girthy and thick. I don't really
here's it, y'all. I have not measured my penis since puberty.
I really have it. Like when my dick gets hard,
my thought isn't let me grab a ruler and see
how big it is? So people ask how big it
is I want I'm like, can I send you a
photo and just looking at it. If that's the size
(03:10):
you want, then that's the size it is. Or I'll
say it like I think it's like a I never
want to overshoot him, like I think it's like eight
and a half. I don't know. I don't know what
it is, but I will say during the summer I
did this summer, I was like, oh, it's really girthy
and thick. But I've also looked at it. It's winter where
I'm recording this. What day is it that we're November
recording this? And my dick looks the same to me.
(03:31):
I took a dick pic yesterday and it does not
seemed to be suffering now I am in LA and
so our cold is like what like fifty five degrees
sixty degrees. So perhaps if you're in the UK, because
I know the UK, y'all be cold as fuck, and
New York, you know, be cold as fuck. So perhaps
you know the east coasts and the you know, the
people that have real winter, maybe your dicks are shrinking.
(03:53):
And to which I say, who it's that Wendy Williams
meme where she goes, Oh okay, anyways, that's how I feel.
I'm like, oh okay, Well, anyways, I listen, this might
(04:16):
be true. Somebody do the research and doctor patrons, email
me let me know if this is a thing. Email
tell me something messy at gmail dot com. I said
to feel sas because it's sounding a lot like blue balls,
which is like, oh, I can't you know, I need
you have to stroke me otherwise my balls. My husband
says blue balls are real. I don't know. I don't
think they're real, but whatever, So I don't know. Maybe
this is true, maybe it's not. Somebody let me know.
(04:37):
But you know, if you are having trouble performing in
the winter months, you can say I have winter penis,
even saying it it's wild to me. I have Winter Penis,
winter is coming. I haven't watched Game of Thrones, but
maybe that's what she meant when she's the winter is coming.
Or I guess Winter's not coming.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Huh.
Speaker 3 (04:58):
I see what I did there. By the way, welcome
to the show. This is tell me something messy. I'm
Brandon called Goodman, your host. Some people call me messy mom,
but today you can call me summer Penis. Summer penists
twenty four to seven. Heah, there you go, game of
summer Penis. There was some yeah, game of summer Penis. Yeah,
(05:22):
something in there. Merch baby. You know what that means?
It is time for a guest. Actually, in this episode,
we're gonna have two guests. Now, while they get situated,
we'll get our messy key Key started with a how
manifesto repeat after me aloud or in your head. Grant
me the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal,
(05:43):
the wisdom to that sex is not just about penetration.
The audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries. The
strength to not call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl,
or fuck day, even though it's Christmas. Okay, for it
is better to masturbate by myself and then to let
someone play in my motherfucking face. Let the community say,
(06:05):
oh helujah. I am so excited to have Kyle June
Williams and Nicki Douglas on the show. Nicki Douglas is
a Lucille Lortel Odelco and Princess Grace Award winning Brooklyn
based experimental theater and dance maker who is interested in
leading community care centered creative processes. You can refer to her, them, him,
(06:28):
us using any pronouns said with respect. She is currently
a harp Resident Artist at Here Arts Center, where she
is creating a new dance theater piece called Only I.
Kyle June Williams had a residency at the Standard Hollywood
creating queer driven comedy shows. Kyle June's one woman show
Only Child, a true Ish crime documentary about a catfishing
(06:51):
murderer up for parole, premieres at Arsenova in New York
this coming February. Kyle and Nikki also have known me
since I was eighteen years old and we went to
college together and have been just busom buddy friends since.
I'm so excited to have my chosen family on the show,
Please help me. Welcome Kyle June Williams and Nikki Douglas. Hi. Nikki, Hi, Kyle, Hi. Hi.
(07:20):
This is so funny because it's the first time that
I have no I've had two guys before, but first
time I've had two guests in studio at the same time.
So my head is like, I love this, this is wonderful.
How's your day today, Nikki?
Speaker 4 (07:32):
So far, so good, A regular day. I'm an educator
coming from the classroom and I'm here now and I'm
so happy.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
And you, Kyle, what is regular anymore?
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Ky, he's ready to go. Okay, before we get into
our messy key key, here's some messy mandates. Things get
to be unprocessed. Any thoughts or opinion shared have the
right to shift, change or evolve today, tomorrow, ten years
from now. And if during the key keys something feels
too personal or unintentionally offends, we use the safe word foodsball,
(08:04):
which gives us the second to uh, pause and address
and pivot accordingly.
Speaker 5 (08:09):
How sports of you?
Speaker 3 (08:10):
I love sports? I love sports. Okay, let's start with
a loop breaker. Yes, a loop breaker. Yeah, this is
a game of smash or pass by the way, Merry Christmas.
Everyone waits Christmas on Thursday. It's today Christmas. I don't know, whatever,
it's Wednesday. Smash your pass decorating Christmas trees and smash.
Speaker 6 (08:35):
Is good and passes?
Speaker 3 (08:36):
No? Yeah like smash smash. Okay, you like to decorate
Christmas tree?
Speaker 6 (08:40):
I like to decorate anything.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Really, Oh how about you pass?
Speaker 5 (08:43):
I have cats.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
That's just asking for it.
Speaker 3 (08:48):
Yeah, yeah, I'm a pass on the decorating of the
Christmas tree. Matthew loves to decorate the Christmas tree. I
love Christmas tree and I every time we have to
go buy one month, but he finally let us get
a plastic one. Oh my god, how I'm so excited.
I know some people are like the real tree, but
the real tree like side top of the tree. We
need the trees.
Speaker 7 (09:09):
That is such a metaphor for your relationship as well,
that he desperately wanted to decorate a Christmas tree, and
so that you said no unless it's a plastic tree.
Speaker 3 (09:20):
You know, I never said I never said no. I
never said no. I would decorate. I would put on
Mariah Carey's Apple Christmas Special, and I would put the
ornaments on and I have a Black Angels of the Startopper.
I think we also have a Beyonce Startupper Startoppers as
one does. So like I support it, but I don't
(09:41):
like to participate in it.
Speaker 6 (09:43):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (09:43):
But now with the plastic tree.
Speaker 8 (09:45):
No needles, no needles and no watering, no no mess,
and then it goes away like I don't have to
like lug it out, you know, because we would have
the tree deliver it's too much.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
So right now, just say, y'all know, while you're listening
to this, I am sitting under my plastic tree with
with some kind of alcoholic beverage and a joint for sure,
because it's Christmas and I could do whatever I want
on Christmas. You know what I'm saying, Smash her past
Frosty the Snowman. Can I go first? I would smash.
(10:17):
I think Frosty is a sensitive soul. I think that
carrot is has always you know anyways, and so I
would smash Frosty. I feel like we have a good time,
and the best part is like the season changes, He's gone,
you know what I'm saying, Like you don't have to
worry about it after a certain amount of time, it's
(10:37):
clearly a fuck buddy. It's clearly like that's not somebody
you gotta really invest in. You can just really take
that carrot, do what you gotta do with it, and
then you keep the carrot, which is lovely. It's a
fuck buddy who leaves behind a gift, you know what
I'm saying. So I'm going to I'm gonna smash Frosty
the snowman down. How about you, two.
Speaker 4 (10:59):
Ladies, And it's it's a smash for me. But I
do feel anxious about it because we're always on the clock.
You're always racing towards a puddle, I know.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
And you have to keep the house cold.
Speaker 6 (11:11):
You gotta keep at you gotta keep a colt.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Or you gotta funk outside. But he's very specific about
the environment that he can last in. That's right, you
can last in.
Speaker 5 (11:24):
You know, nothing has changed.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
Christmas filing Christmas. Can you talk to me?
Speaker 5 (11:37):
I would smash because Frosty is a di wire.
Speaker 6 (11:41):
Say more, say more about it.
Speaker 5 (11:43):
Just think it's just a collection of goods. You don't
have to buy nothing.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
It's all from from around, from around.
Speaker 3 (11:55):
Climate change friendly, like my guy is reusing things. Yeah,
although how it's going we might have a prosty.
Speaker 6 (12:04):
I mean it might just be really small, really little.
Speaker 4 (12:08):
Guys, just three ice cubes.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
Yes, yes, yes, we should still use the same size carrot,
very very long carrot on this three ice cubes.
Speaker 5 (12:20):
Right, we're here to talk about Dick.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
You forgot at any point, if you forget what the
show is about. If y'all have any prompts or ideas
for LU breakers, you can email tell me something Messy
at gmail dot com. Speaking of which, Nikki tell me
something messy.
Speaker 4 (12:38):
Oh wait, okay, I mean I have two messies, but
this one I think is more fun, so I'll leave
with this one.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (12:53):
So I am also.
Speaker 4 (12:55):
Thirty seven, Yeah, living in my thirty seventh year, and
I still have crushes. I like, still very much have
a crush all the time. And this is my messy crush.
I was walking out of I teach down Town in
down Had Manhattan. I was walking off campus and I
was headed just on a walk, just like truly on
a walk. Then this man who I have this crush on,
(13:18):
starts walking up the block.
Speaker 6 (13:19):
I see him. Yes, I'm gonna tell you who he is.
Speaker 4 (13:22):
This is the messiest part, the messiest part I see
him from a distance, From like a great distance, I
see him.
Speaker 6 (13:29):
I just want to name that. I saw him from
like a.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
Block and a half away.
Speaker 4 (13:32):
Oh wow, Wow, that's the crush I have is on
an actor who to me is very famous, is doing
a lot of work in the indie film game.
Speaker 6 (13:43):
He was just in It's a Beautiful Name.
Speaker 4 (13:46):
Yeah, he was just in the in your Ghost Lanthemist film.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
He's okay.
Speaker 6 (13:51):
The actor's name is Mama Do. I felt you have
talked about.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
Before, very very very If.
Speaker 4 (14:00):
I could like flip something over in this room, I
would flip it over the water. Yeah, that's how I
feel about Mamma Do. Mamadu was just in a show
at the public theater. So he was in the neighborhood,
which is in the same neighborhood of the school I teach,
and I teach it m Iu. So I was seeing
him come up the street and I was like, oh,
I have this is this person I have a crush on.
Speaker 6 (14:18):
We also like know each other a little bit.
Speaker 4 (14:20):
As he's walking up and approaching me, I'm like making
a very serious kind of eye contact.
Speaker 6 (14:25):
I'm like really looking. I'm just looking.
Speaker 4 (14:27):
From the second I see him I'm just locked in,
so it's a whole block of me just like trying
to look at him. He's got his earbuds in, but
he does do a double take. He sees me he's famous,
so he just keeps moving. He's like whatever, that person's
looking at me. Then he looks back, he takes his
earbuds out, and he goes hey, and I go hey,
(14:48):
mama do And then we proceed to like catch up
a little bit in the street.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Wait, you know.
Speaker 6 (14:56):
Each other a little bit? A little bit, okay, a
little bit.
Speaker 5 (14:59):
I need that in the but they thank you for elaborating.
Speaker 4 (15:04):
We know each other just a little bit. It's like
a couple of degrees of separation, but enough enough.
Speaker 3 (15:08):
Apparently, apparently for him to turn around.
Speaker 4 (15:10):
To have a moment in the street. And I'm stuttering.
I'm like cold sweating. I don't know what I I
don't know what I said to him.
Speaker 6 (15:16):
I blocked out.
Speaker 4 (15:18):
But we did share a moment, and I've been thinking
about ever since. This was like a month ago. This
is like a very long time ago.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
Oh my goodness, what's your what do you want? I
want to ask a questions? I ask a question. You
don't have to answer, but how do you want to
be ravaged by him? How do you? Oh my, I
don't have to answer if you don't want to. But
I am curious, like what is the fantasy? Where are we?
Are we in Costa Rica? Are we uptown? Are we
in Australia? Are we on a beach? Are we on
(15:45):
a hotel? Like? What? How are we? You know what?
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 6 (15:48):
I do know what you're saying, and I feel things
I know about mama. Do you grew up here? Is
of Mauretanian heritage?
Speaker 4 (15:57):
And so I just want to be ravaged in the
most African of ways. Yes, yes, yes, yeah, say less,
say less, sister, say less, I understand. Yes, yes, it's
a sort of it's about Kwanza in a way.
Speaker 6 (16:19):
I feel it is related to the season. Yes, yes,
that's what I want for you.
Speaker 3 (16:27):
Yes, to turn that into our holiday story.
Speaker 6 (16:32):
Wow?
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Wow, quite impressive. I want to give you a standing ovation.
Thank you so wow beautiful. Thank you, Thank you for
sharing that, Thank you.
Speaker 4 (16:40):
For culturally mess Yeah yeah it was wow.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Let's y'all if you have messy stories, tell them something,
Tell me something. Message gmail dot com. But shall we
do some mess email please, Yes, this is I couldn't
be happier. This is my Christmas wish. Okay. As always,
your submissions, stories and questions remain anonymous. This first one says,
I blew my friends with benefit and sat on his
(17:07):
face in the closet of another friend's house during a
birthday party. But have you ever sat on somebody's face
in the closet?
Speaker 6 (17:15):
Yes, honestly, thrilled to know you.
Speaker 3 (17:22):
Thrilled an honor, an honor, high honor.
Speaker 5 (17:27):
How did I think I'd have nothing?
Speaker 3 (17:29):
You really came in here, was like, I don't know
if I have anything to girl. Okay, you've lived I've
lived a life. Okay, So you you sat, You sat
on somebody's face in a closet. Do you have like
what was the context of it? Why were we in
the closet?
Speaker 2 (17:45):
We were at a party. It was in college.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Yes, we were all trying to raise money for a play.
Speaker 5 (17:56):
Oh my god, not a fund raised It was a fundraiser.
Speaker 3 (18:03):
And you're distracted, distracted, distracted?
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Yes, and uh, there was a very cramped space beneath
the stairs to.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
The understair closet.
Speaker 5 (18:16):
Yeah, so there's not much maneuvering you can do.
Speaker 6 (18:21):
All you can do?
Speaker 3 (18:22):
Is it? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (18:25):
I'm just thinking of how how many jobs I no
longer will be able to believe.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
We'll blow your face out.
Speaker 6 (18:38):
Can I be anonymous?
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Absolutely?
Speaker 3 (18:42):
Anonymous? Just say it. That's it, That's what the show does. Okay.
This one says I female had sex with a woman
for the first time in my life last week, and
I am.
Speaker 4 (18:54):
Chain, Yeah, that had sex with women feel very similarly
to my first time. I was like, oh, it can
be this thoughtful.
Speaker 3 (19:03):
That's what I would like to know. What is it
that changes it for you? Because like I still sleep
with men, and you know RP, but.
Speaker 4 (19:09):
For for for all, men are dying.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
You know, men are trash, and you know it is
what it is. But for as a I think I
would make an incredible lesbian. I've said this on the show.
I would love to be a lesbian. It would be
my greatest honor to be a lesbian. Every time I
say that to a lesbian, they're like, yeah, you should
be you this makes sense, but it just you know,
there just things don't work out for me, but it
(19:37):
for you? In sleeping at with a woman, what was
the like why was it so transformative?
Speaker 4 (19:41):
I mean for me, it just had to do with
having had a significant amount of or enough amounts of
sex with men people or people with penises. Yeah, and
then the like the shift had to do with presence.
It had to do with like eye contact.
Speaker 6 (19:59):
It had to do you with I still.
Speaker 3 (20:02):
Be looking at I was talking for a long time,
and every time we would do missionary, he wouldn't look
me in the eye.
Speaker 6 (20:07):
And I was like, I'm shocking.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
He's like looking to the side, he's like looking above,
and I'm like, I'm right here.
Speaker 4 (20:13):
We're like we're lined up, you're inside me, Like you
gotta look in you gotta look in my eyes, just
like you're.
Speaker 3 (20:19):
Already inside me, look at me in the eyes. It's
too much, okay, Yeah, so.
Speaker 6 (20:23):
Yes, Yeah. And I had to do with softness, just soft, Yeah,
just so soft.
Speaker 3 (20:27):
Yeah, the skin is soft, the energy is soft. Yeah,
that makes sense.
Speaker 6 (20:32):
Yeah, women are just better. Sorry, well the wrong, the wrong.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
But it's like there's the more the I I value
emotional connection in sect because like it is something that
like now when even if it's a one time hookup,
I'm like, I want the emotional connection, which just simply
could be Like we talked about Housewives for a moment
or like we you know, danced and the movement was correct,
but there's like some kind of connection that happened before
(21:00):
the thing. I don't know what I was talking about.
Speaker 4 (21:03):
Yeah, just how how if you if you were to
switch over to being a lesbian.
Speaker 6 (21:08):
Yeah yeah, And.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
That's why I like women, because because women stay emotionally connected,
they value the emotional connection. Thank you so much. Yes, okay.
This one says I'm on a solo trip to Italy
and I just fucked my tour guide. Best sixty dollars
I ever spent. This is another person like, wow, y'all
(21:30):
are out here living and in Italy. Now they are passionate.
That's what I was saying. The men in America they
can be rough, but I feel like the men specifically
in Europe culturally at least like France, Spain, Italy, they're
like lovers. They enjoy, they want to be lovers.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Men in America are a plastered wall. Men in Europe
are the crown molding.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (21:57):
Like all the men just turned off the up. We
love you if you're here and you're part of the podcast, said,
yes we are.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Sometimes you need a little plaster.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
Yeah, just trying to make it better. Sometimes you plaster,
we value but yeah, there's a there's a passion which
I think is just kind of you can think about
like how we in America are raised around sex and sexuality,
(22:31):
and how what men are taught, what women are taught,
what queer folks are taught. And then you go elsewhere
and there seems to be more of an interest in
love making, which doesn't mean that it can't be rough
and tough and whatever, but it just means that there's
I'll look you in your eye, I'll kiss you, you know,
I'll ask you about what you like, what's your pleasure
(22:52):
you know, which is just something that we It's romantic.
It's romantic, yes, And here romance is so radical because
romance is only reserved for being in a relationship, whereas
I think there romance is a way of life. It
is like they live for the romance and the poeticness
of just connecting. I like all my like grinder hookups
(23:14):
in Spain were some of the most like emotionally connected,
like beautiful, soft like version of sex that I've had,
whereas here it's always like, uh, come in me right now,
and then get out like I don't.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
I live through your healthy experiences of an app.
Speaker 5 (23:35):
Oh, thank you, I truly do.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
That is like something that I feel as a woman,
I would never be able to say.
Speaker 3 (23:45):
Yeah, so yeah. I'm sure part of that is if
you're navigating heterosexual men on an app, imagine I have
no experience with what that is. The other pieces, because
you know, queer men and gay men are not immune
from being of course, of course, well and they very
much are on these apps. But I think over the years,
(24:06):
because let's say, how long has it been since being
on that, It's like, what ten eleven years of being
on apps, I have become really clear about what my
boundaries are on who I talk to and I know
and I really believe I know immediately by your opening
line in the first couple texts how this is going
to go when somebody messages and they're actually interested in
(24:27):
my day or how I am, and not just like, hey,
how are you, but like they're willing to talk about
things and say, oh, like I'm into this or I'm
doing da da da dada. I know that's going to
be fruitful when somebody messages, which is no problem with
that but it's just not for me. And they're like,
can you come over right now? Will you blow my
back out? Like it's like, oh, that's not going to
be emotionally connected. I'm in that exchange. I'm an object,
(24:49):
which is fine, but I don't want to be an
object in my sex. And so I think I've really
heightened the boundaries that I have on the apps and
that's made for a much better experience.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Yeah, you have a lot of autonomy when you go on,
which I rephrase that not necessarily as a woman. I
just think that, like you, you are so good with
words as well, and you are such a good communicator,
and having having a nobility to do that via messaging
(25:20):
is a different skill set that I don't I don't
have necessarily.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
That's so interesting and I wonder I can't even in this.
I'll think about it, but I can't even Like, how
do you help somebody become a better because you're right,
like texting is really about writing, and if you don't,
even if you consider yourself a writer, but especially if
you don't consider yourself a writer, how do you activate
yourself in that medium? And I imagine, oh, I'm having
(25:47):
a an o moment, a big old moment, which I
think is people who write to me stressed about the apps.
There's a really good chance that they're not good at
writing or texting messaging, which makes trying to interact or
find partners via an app probably much more challenging.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
No, I think it's more writing for self, because I
can write, but writing.
Speaker 5 (26:13):
For myself as myself.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
If I gave.
Speaker 3 (26:17):
You my account, you'd be like, OK, this, but for yourself. Yeah, yeah,
that's that's also that's another layer of nuance if you
if you don't know how to write, but if you
do know how to write, how do you write on
behalf of yourself? I think a lot of times. And
I was interviewing somebody yesterday and we were talking about
how the bedroom is a place of make believe. It
(26:37):
is a place of fantasy. That like, even whether you
are actually playing out fantasies I'm this and you're that,
or just like what you've projected on that hookup and
who you think they are are Jim crushes or whatnot,
that is a place of make believe and so can
you lean into that? So I've been working on leaning,
like I want to get more comfortable in my dumbness
(26:58):
and in like my my ability to take charge. And
so some of that has come from like acting just
like pretending, like let me like what, like what is
the mindset of a don that I'd be interested in?
Can I act that out? And that has helped to
like take Brandon out of it and just play a character.
Speaker 4 (27:16):
I don't know if that's I think the thing that
I hear inside of the conversation is curiosity and like
the value of curiosity in a sexual experience. I think
so often people, especially on apps, you know, they just
like everybody wants the same thing.
Speaker 6 (27:30):
We all want a little little sex in.
Speaker 4 (27:32):
Our lives, but the way you go after it can
sometimes like yes to the writing challenge. But I feel
like if you write with curiosity, if you share what
you're curious about, what you're interested in, with like openness
and a willingness to be in your imagination and needs
to play, then those are those are the times that
I have found better experiences.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
Off of apps.
Speaker 4 (27:52):
Yeah, like yeah, you write well, and like yeah, we're
able to find a rapport together via text message, but
it seems like we're both curious enough to gauge or
to meet each other and play a little bit.
Speaker 3 (28:02):
That is a beautiful piece. The curiosity, Like, like when
you can feel that somebody's actually interested in you, it
gives you space to be curious back, it gives you
space to not because I never, like, I hate when
I feel like I have to like second guess what
I'm messaging. H this is too much, and it's like
I just kind of want to say I love this
and I like this, and if you don't vibe with it,
(28:24):
then like move on, you know, like I'll move on.
But I think there's still a version of me that
like wants to be wanted, and so you're trying to
make the perfect interaction for somebody who just honestly may
not be perfect for you. Yeah, I don't know. It's
a it's complicated. I never I've never had to think
about the relationship to the acts. Okay, this one says
(28:50):
I'm a thirty three year old gay guy and I've
never been in a relationship. I feel so lonely. I'm
such a late bloomer, and I found it hard to
find community and hard to feel queer enough. I'm not
even sure what that means, but I wrestle with feeling
like I belong. I don't know what my question is
other than how can I be more queer and less
alone and find love?
Speaker 4 (29:11):
Oh? If I can just respond to this so quickly,
I really this resonates with me so much just because
I have I have been like queer in my I
have known that I've been queer for a long time.
Let's say, right around college time. I was like, oh yeah, no,
that's yeah.
Speaker 6 (29:26):
I like all of the things.
Speaker 4 (29:27):
I date everybody, I date people I like. And I
was in my first relationship with a woman. Maybe I
was thirty four, so just around the same age as
this person who's written, and that was my also my
first long term relationship, and it was it came at
a time. I mean it came at in COVID time,
(29:49):
but it also came at a time when I just
had space and capacity to be with myself and in
dialogue with myself.
Speaker 6 (29:56):
So I guess I just.
Speaker 4 (29:57):
Want to say to this person that queerness is uh
not determined by some some outside force. I think queerness
for me is determined by my own rules, my own desires,
my own questions, and you can move through it at
whatever pace, in whatever timing you need to.
Speaker 6 (30:18):
It is up to you.
Speaker 3 (30:19):
Yeah, you know, I'm more and more I'm realizing how
important it is to say that out loud. And I
think that's what queerness. I know people have that with
with race. You know there are I can't tell you
the amount of people who are biracial who feel like
they can't own their blackness, and like and in these
in these groups that get where we have to qualify
(30:42):
their qualifications for your queerness, qualifications for your blackness, qualifications
for your womanhood. I think it is so important to
say over and over there are no qualifications. It is
what it is for you. Like, what is true for
you is what it is, your version of it, your
even as a non binary, Like what is non binary
look like? Wrestle with that all the time. You look
(31:02):
so masculine, you're not androgenous stuff. You don't look non binary?
Fuck out of here, like it is true for me.
And so how I show up is what non binary
looks like. And how what that person shows up, That's
what non binary looks like. How that person shows up,
that's what queer looks like. So however you show up,
you are inherently that thing. And so however you show
up is how that is represented, and I think the
(31:26):
suffering comes from trying to be somebody else's version, whether
it's you know, your favorite character on TV or what
your community is doing. But like you just, it is
hard and it takes time. It's not an easy solve,
but the work is getting comfortable in your version, what
makes you happy, what makes you feel good, and then
(31:47):
that's it. You know it, Let it be expansive.
Speaker 5 (31:51):
I definitely I wrestle with this a lot.
Speaker 3 (31:55):
Yeah, tell me.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
I still don't feel queer enough or the ability to
sort of claim queer, both because of not being able
to say it till later on in life. And that
(32:17):
has nothing to do with.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
My upbringing or I mean.
Speaker 5 (32:22):
We all went to school in New York City for
theater people.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
It's definitely something that is built into my body from
very young and even today. I mean, Brandon, I've spoken
with you at length about this. Like I, no one
else is telling me I'm not queer enough. It's only me,
(32:49):
and that is first of all, so hard to admit,
but it's the truth. Because we all move through space
and say what's your pronounce? So I feel like I
always have to have an answer, or I had to
have a coming out story.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
Rather than just being.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
And I also think I had a secret relationship with
a woman for which I don't I still can't put
rap around my brain how and why it was kept secret,
but it was, And so I think it's important to
remember that.
Speaker 5 (33:35):
You kind of create your own prison.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
And I have to remind myself to be kind to
myself and to walk in a room giving people the
benefit of the doubt, especially in this day and age.
I mean, we're so lucky to live in New York
that I feel more often not accepted and loved. Sure,
(34:02):
but yeah, I mean I can walk into a room
full of lesbians and still feel odd and like I
need to over explain myself.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
That's the other thing.
Speaker 1 (34:16):
I'm a super chatty Kathy, and I explain it to
my therapist, like I don't know what to do with
my hands. I don't know where I put in my pocket,
I don't know where that to put it out for handshake,
high five, hug. And I mean I'm thirty nine and.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
Still it is say it differently.
Speaker 5 (34:38):
I am thirty nine years young.
Speaker 9 (34:43):
I have seen the world turn, the dinosaurs come and go.
But I think that there is a lot with coming
out later in life coming out that idea, and also like,
I'm so intrigued that your first long term relationship was
(35:06):
with a woman because I don't feel like it can
actually put my have that or I haven't had that,
so it's hard for me to claim it. I mean
it is the same thing with like, we live in
a world now where you're supposed to put your status
where if you put a rainbow.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
Sign, people are like, oh are you by You know
what I mean.
Speaker 5 (35:25):
It's this.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
Curiosity, which I think is good.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
But I also want to live in a place where
I assume everybody is queer sure, and everybody is fluid
and everybody is everybody is just there.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
To meet the person that they want to meet.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
And I feel like the generation younger than us is
there and I'm just trying to allow myself to live
in that same space.
Speaker 3 (35:55):
Is there any way for your community to support you,
because I know you said it. It's like it's not
anyone else telling you you're not queer, it's just you
so one and you don't have to have an answer
or it can be on process. But I'm curious, is
there any way for your community, which is you know,
we're part of your community that can support you in
(36:18):
changing that. And the second part of that is like
what do you muse? Right, doth be perfect? But what
do you muse would be the steps in changing that
story for yourself and like being able to affirm that
you are queer, Like what would what would need to
happen or what do you muse the steps would be?
Speaker 5 (36:38):
I feel very lucky.
Speaker 1 (36:39):
I feel very supported by everybody that's around me. I
think because I'm older and I am still single.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
It is a little bit of feeling like you're an
island of your own, uh.
Speaker 1 (36:52):
Managing both meeting somebody later in life potentially, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
That's the other thing is I also have uh.
Speaker 1 (37:02):
Beautiful vision of being on an island of my own
with a gorgeous house.
Speaker 2 (37:08):
And you know, wild animals running around me. I don't know.
It's you know, am I a witch? Yes?
Speaker 6 (37:17):
Yes, I don't.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
I think the idea, the thing that would make me
feel most supported is to stop putting so much pressure
on the idea of relationship and that making you whole.
Speaker 2 (37:33):
I think a bar yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:36):
And I don't think that any And that's the thing is,
I don't think anybody puts pressure on me per se
to meet somebody.
Speaker 3 (37:45):
But yes they have society. Society every show that you've
watched on you like you've grown up in a tank
of pressure. Like we are swimming in pressure to find
a mate and mate and have like that. That is
the the I just posted something that said, normalize. There's
(38:06):
no rule that says you have to get married and
start a family. Normalize splitting a mansion with five of
your best friends and ten dogs and yeah, honestly sounds
great to me. But like that, I'm sure you can
also read that and go h and that uh is
because we've been indoctrinated to say no, like for me
to be a whole person, I have to have somebody
(38:27):
else or I have to be in a relationship. And
I do think there is some work to do to
release that. But I just want to affirm that there
has been pressure.
Speaker 6 (38:37):
Yes to do that.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
Yes, you're right. I think a lot of the times
I'm like, don't worry, guys, you're.
Speaker 3 (38:44):
Swimming in it.
Speaker 6 (38:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:45):
I think it's the idea that sort of normalizing not
asking somebody who they're dating. Yeah, if they're in a relationship,
maybe asking them, uh, how is work?
Speaker 6 (38:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (39:00):
What what are you excited to work on. What are
you passionate about?
Speaker 3 (39:02):
How's your heart? I like asking that.
Speaker 1 (39:04):
Yeah, I think a lot of times I hear you know,
I this is not this is this is my side
of the corner. But like I was watching Murder on
Elm Street, which is a murder document, yes, and they
were talking about this young woman who passed, and the
father was saying, uh, I'm just I just think about, uh,
(39:27):
how what a wonderful wife she would have made, and
like what a wonderful like what a man would have
just loved to.
Speaker 2 (39:33):
Have her as his wife.
Speaker 5 (39:35):
And I was like, what the fuck.
Speaker 3 (39:37):
Reduced to somebody's wife as opposed to being her own?
Speaker 1 (39:42):
And I feel that all the time surrounding me, especially
because I'm at the age where you know, I'm considered
rotten inside and not able to procreate or I am
actually but you know, I just I don't feel the
lack of support from friends. But I do think it's
(40:02):
about changing the bigger conversation.
Speaker 3 (40:04):
Yeah, the societal conversation.
Speaker 4 (40:06):
And I think you're right that there is something you
know that that we are like growing out of in
terms of how generations are considering love and yeah, relationship
status and what that means or what it can look like.
I feel like the generation coming up behind us is
just like we're paving a way in many ways, like
the we are cursed with it, but it's it's almost over.
Speaker 6 (40:26):
In a way.
Speaker 3 (40:27):
Well, we're the generation that I think is at the crossroads,
right Like I think our generation is the generation that's
starting to go to therapy and take mental health seriously.
And so our kids, which I don't know, I'm not
having kids. It like I'll be a good uncle or godparent,
will have parents or people around them who have been
(40:47):
raising their emotional intelligence and who have been learning how
to communicate. And so that's just going to breed a
different type of desire and a different track. But I
think we are, you know, blessed or cursed with have
to straddle the line and straddle the bridge of breaking
the curses in so many ways, of fighting against the
(41:07):
messaging even though we were indoctrinated with it, like having
to pick it out and that is hard and that
is strenuous and I think has to be done in community.
But you're right, ultimately it is the bigger conversation because
I said this, you can't expect a child to not
absorb that, and a child only becomes an adult who
has absorbed that and is operating from that until they're not,
(41:28):
which is I think these conversations help interrupt, but there
is an interruption that has to happen.
Speaker 1 (41:34):
Yeah, and it's I think I think queer or not,
you're still expected to walk down the aisle, expect.
Speaker 3 (41:42):
That to be heteronormative, like you're still expected to have
all the same things to say. Look, we're good queer. Yeah,
we're a normal queer normal.
Speaker 1 (41:52):
And I very much like love the conversations that are
that are being had now because I think that hearing them,
hearing that, hearing the type of discourse, especially you know,
not to toot your own horn, but I'm toooting it
in this podcast allows people to feel on their own,
(42:15):
given a toolbox, yes, and to not necessarily feel like
you have to be one way or another. That we
are constantly learning, and I think that's the thing is
I feel like I should I should say I'm a lesbian,
I should have a wife, I should be in a house,
I should adopt three kids, But maybe I should just
(42:36):
keep learning.
Speaker 3 (42:37):
Yes, yeah, and you should, like that's the only should
the only should is to evolve, to change and to
be That's the only thing that you should do. The
rest of it is like, if that's what you want,
you like, But if you don't want it, that's also cool.
I think like we we feel like it's not cool
because we feel like we're standing on our own. And
(42:58):
I think about this with Matthew and being polyamorous, and
I've talked about it when when we first started being open,
you know, we would get on grinder and people are like,
you're open, And now people are like, oh, you're probably
like whatever for the most part, but it's like, oh,
we felt like we were on our own island. It
didn't mean that what we were doing was wrong. It
just meant like everyone else wasn't doing it. And I
think that sometimes we have to get comfortable being on
(43:21):
our own. You're not really like you have your community,
but be comfortable with like saying like I might be
the only one doing this right now and that's okay.
What matters is does it make me happy? Do I
feel safe? Do I feel good? Do I feel value?
Do I feel protected? If all those boxes are being checked,
I don't even fuck what it is, you know, what
I'm saying you're not hurting yourself anybody else, I'll go
fuck what it is. But I think our brains are trained,
(43:43):
especially as women, especially as queer folks. Our worth comes
from how well we are liked, how well we are accepted,
how well we're able to perform, how productive we're able
to be, how well we can stay inside the lines,
that we can color inside the lines. That's where we
get our our validity from. And it's like we have
to it's a harder process. But having to shed that
(44:05):
and say like, no, like what I'm doing is fine,
and I still have to like I still have questions
and I still have to go, no, Brandon, you're fine,
Like that is okay what you're doing. Because the old,
the old operating system comes up. I was in it
for thirty something years before I interrupted it, So to
expect that it will be an easy transition would be
(44:28):
setting myself up for failure. You know. Yeah, thank you
for this conversation. Thank you for sharing of yourselves in
this because I know a lot of people listening and
that write and write and similar to this person about
not feeling queer enough, about wanting a relationship or wanting
to find love, or not sure what that looks like,
(44:48):
or not showing how they want to set things up.
And I really think that these conversations allow us to
satiate or balm the discomfort on the journey, you know,
like it is a journey. We're going for it, but
it gets uncomfortable, and hearing that other people are experiencing
something similar, I think makes it a little easier.
Speaker 6 (45:12):
I hope it's the only way.
Speaker 3 (45:15):
It is the only fucking way.
Speaker 6 (45:17):
It's scary, but we've got to talk.
Speaker 3 (45:19):
We got to talk to each other, especially in this climate. Especially,
you know, we were before we got a mic, Nicky
and I hear Nicky and I were here talking about
you know, the election, you know, and so more than ever,
it is important for us to talk. More than ever,
it's important for us to say the quiet things out loud,
(45:41):
because this next four years in particular, is gonna be
about silencing people. It's gonna be about pushing people back
into their corners, getting people back into their lanes, and
we just cannot succumb to that. And the only way
that we are able to, I think, be victorious is together.
And that's again I always say, it's not some spiritual bullshit.
It literally is just tea.
Speaker 1 (46:03):
And to celebrate your uniqueness and your difference because at
the end of the day, they can push us into
as many boxes as they want to try to.
Speaker 2 (46:13):
But to have ownership of who.
Speaker 1 (46:17):
You are is so important and that it doesn't it's
not hinging on someone else's idea. It's not hinging on
the person laying in bed next to you, you know,
and how important it is to also to surround yourself
with friendship and salons of people who you can commune with.
Speaker 3 (46:42):
Friends are soulmates too. You have to know that animals
and animals like soulmates, are not just that one person.
Speaker 2 (46:50):
We have to take care of ourselves.
Speaker 1 (46:53):
It's so important as each other as well, but we
have to take care of ourselves. So it's so important
over these next four only four, it.
Speaker 3 (47:05):
Will only it will only before and that is tea
because we will come together and we will make sure
that it is only the four. So yes, I'm gonna
say something to the two of you, which is because
you know, it's a Christmas episode and I specifically picked
the two of you to be here because I want
it to be with my chosen family. Because I know
some people don't get to be with their I'm that person.
(47:28):
I don't get to be with my blood family on holidays.
And I know there are a lot of people who
listen to the show who may have either lost a
loved one or loved ones or have not been accepted
by loved ones, and so their chosen family really is everything.
And I'm gonna do this without I might cry, and
so what, but I might not. But I've known the
(47:49):
two of you since I was eighteen years old, and
so it is incredibly special to be sharing this space
with the two of you. You, to have watched you
over the last however many years, because I can't do
math that fast, and to be witnessed by you, and
(48:11):
to have this love means has been has been life saving,
you know, like when losing my family and that relationship
to them in order to allow myself to be my
full queer, black, non binary free self was the hardest
(48:38):
thing I've ever done. Continues to be the hardest thing
that I do. To know that my you know, even
my mom specifically is getting older as I'm getting older,
and I do not have any semblance of her life,
and it's been hard. But what makes things soft is
(48:59):
the love that I have and the love that the
two of you and our community continues to show me
and pour on me. And so to this person that
wrote to us about, you know, not feeling queer enough
or whatever, it's like, give it time. You'll find your community.
But above all, else do you find your community. What
(49:21):
has saved my life is the two of you and
the other people that we know in our lives. But
it is it is life saving because I really could
have been on my own, you know, swirling and spiraling
and unsure and very alone, and so publicly I would
(49:45):
like to thank you for for not leaving my side,
for loving me as I am, and for insisting that
i'd be who I am. I am eternally grateful, I'm
internally grateful. So thank you and I love you. Thank
(50:08):
you for being here. Huh Merry Christmas? Where is thank you?
Speaker 8 (50:23):
Thank you? Oh?
Speaker 3 (50:24):
Yes, thank you so much. I appreciate it. All right, Well,
i'll talk to you soon. You already know we're hose here,
but hose with heart. So before we get out of here,
(50:45):
let me speak to yours. Oh you know, nothing is
new under the sun blaze a trail. Someone is looking
for you. So if you feel safe about the thing
that you're exploring, the thing that you're doing, the thing
that you're processing, then be loud. You know. I wasn't
(51:06):
loud about my polyamory or our openness for a long
time because I didn't need to be. It was something
that I was navigating in private and didn't want to
be loud about it. I wanted to figure it out.
I wanted to be able to figure out what are
my opinions on this, what are my thoughts on this?
How does this feel for me before? And how does
this feel for my partner and my partners before I
(51:27):
start allowing the world to have their opinions on it,
because I know y'all do okay, But sometimes it's scary,
especially when you're like, no one else is doing this thing,
no one else is living this way or making you
It's easy for you to go, well, then I'm wrong
or this is wrong. But perhaps you are just blazing
a trail. Perhaps you're lighting a fire, and so perhaps
(51:50):
it's you can look at it differently. I would say,
as long as you're not hurting yourself anyone else, you know,
and if it feels good, if it feels fun, it
might also feel scary bye, right, But fear or being
afraid doesn't mean the thing is bad, or being uncomfortable
doesn't mean that you're in danger. Yeah, So know the
difference between I'm uncomfortable by this because maybe I'm growing
(52:10):
and I'm expanding, or I don't like this. Yeah, But
if it's something that you're like I do, if no
one is looking at me and I don't care about
anyone's perception or anyone's opinions about it, and I'm enjoying it,
then you're probably doing something that's right for you, And
so I would keep on keeping on. Also, friends, family,
family is so hard and such a difficult thing to navigate.
(52:35):
And as I said, I'm about like thirteen years estranged
from mine. Here's what I'll share that I am. I
wrote on threads, which is I used to worry about
being abandoned, so I'd contort myself for acceptance. But now
I invite people to walk out of my life. I
(52:56):
am excited to be in the lives of the people
I love, and I want people in my life to
be excited to love me, eager to see my soul,
passionate about holding my heart softly, insistent that I be
exactly who I am. I deserve to be loved just
as fiercely as I love And if you can't rise
(53:17):
to that, then please, by all means walk out now.
If this is your first Christmas away from your family,
be it by choice or by a passing, or it's
your second year, or your tenth year or your fifteenth list,
it gets It's hard. The first year is the hardest.
(53:38):
The first couple of years are incredibly difficult. But I
will tell you it does get easier. But I don't
know if that wound ever goes away. But I have
arrived at this place where I know that my life
is infinitely better by choosing to be around people who
accept and hold and love me as I am than
(53:59):
trying to sacrifice my happiness for someone's acceptance. Don't do that,
even if it's your blood. Uh. You know we're not
taught this, because we're taught. You know, Honor your mother
and father no matter what, no matter, no matter how
they treat you on a mom and dad, And I'm
here to interrupt that if mom, dad, brother, sister, boss, teacher, friend,
(54:23):
I don't care who it is, if they are not
loving you, holding you, respecting you, championing you, advocating for you,
protecting you. Let it go easier said than done, but
you gotta let it go for your for your I
(54:49):
keep using these words, but they're right, you know, for
your expansion, but also for your for your thrival. Right,
because there is surviving and if you keep those people around,
you can survive. But that's not a life. You want
to thrive. You want to be happy. You want to
be excited to wake up. You want to know that
(55:10):
when you're going into these you know, to your your
holiday parties, that you're not going with dread. You're not
afraid that somebody's gonna say some dumb shit to you.
You know, you're not afraid that somebody's gonna to tear
you to pieces or or dismiss you or belittle you.
You want to know that whatever space you're walking into,
people want to build you up the way that you're
gonna build them up. Yeah, anyways, it's easier than done.
(55:33):
But I do want you to know, do not sacrifice
your happiness for other people's acceptance. Anyways, I love you.
Happy holidays, whatever holiday you celebrate, Happy holidays. And if
it can't be happy, this year. I wish you a
peaceful holiday. I love you. You can find Kyle June
(55:54):
on Instagram at Kyle June and Nikki on Instagram at
my Name is Nikki and I See h I. You
can find me on Instagram as well at Brandon Kyle Goodman.
You can find our podcast at tell Me Something Messy
and you can join our community on the Messy Monday's substack.
When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts, recommendations on sex
(56:17):
and self and so much more. Also, I want to
hear from you, so send your topic ideas, your messy stories,
your submissions, your game ideas to tell Me Something Messy
at gmail dot com. You can also call us at
six six nine sixty nine Messy. That is six six
nine six ninety six three seven seven nine. Rate review
(56:38):
and share this podcast with all your HOE and aspiring
HOE friends. Really really helps the show out.
Speaker 4 (56:46):
All right.
Speaker 3 (56:46):
Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick
before you make it spit, make sure they eat the
kitty before they beat the kitty, before fuckation or succation communication.
And in case you haven't heard it yet, today you
are so deeply loved. I love you, Hie. Thank you
so much for listening to Tell Me Something Messy. If
(57:08):
you all enjoyed the show, send the episode to someone
else you might like it. Tell Me Something Messy was
executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly.
Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts
from iHeartRadio and The Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app
or anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.
The ability to sort of claim queer, not being able
to say it till later on in life, and even today,
I no one else is telling me I'm not queer enough.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
It's only me.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
Oh, you know what we do here destroy shame around
sex by talking about sex. Now, let me tell you
something messy Mary, Christmas, Happy Holidays, or as we say here,
happy holidays. Okay, So I wanted to pick us some
(00:38):
kind of Christmas holiday themed messy story. So have you
heard of winter penis condition? I don't know if it's true.
It's sounding a lot like blue balls, but let's talk
about it. So apparently there is something called winter penis
condition that may reduce amen's genitalia up to fifty percent.
(00:58):
Let me read. I found this by the Dasmin brand,
you know, because I do be following my little messy,
little messy gossip accounts for a little messy pop culture accounts.
So it says men around the world are being put
on notice about winter penis. According to reports UK, doctor
Hey UK Donald Grant is spreading the message about the
(01:21):
temporary condition, letting men know that it may impact their
ability to perform sexually and could reduce their genitals by
fifty percent. A report from the New York Posts further
explained as the temperature drops, the male penis recedes into
the body to maintain body heat, resulting is this real
(01:45):
resulting in restricts? I mean, listen, if it's real, Like
you know, I'm not laughing at you, but I just
it's sealing, sus and its resulting in restricted blood flow,
while slowed circulation makes achieving an erection difficult when this
thermostat drops. The doctor noted that the condition can affect
men of all ages and typically reverses as the temperature increases.
(02:06):
Medication is usually not prescribed, but can be for extreme situations.
I mean, I'll be fucking in the winter. The winter
has not re stot my dick from working. But now
I'm curious because because here's what I'll say I did
over the summer. I was like, my tickets is looking
real big these days. I was like when I was
(02:28):
at Madrid and London, Hey UK, I was like, I was,
you know, because whenever I'm away and I'm at a hotel,
hotels make me horny. You have to know, a hotel
or an airbnb makes me horny. All I want to
do is take photos of myself and videos of my
whole and send them to people. So I was in
London in the hotel taking the photos and I was like,
(02:49):
my dick is looking girthy and thick. I don't really
here's it, y'all. I have not measured my penis since puberty.
I really have it. Like when my dick gets hard,
my thought isn't let me grab a ruler and see
how big it is? So people ask how big it
is I want I'm like, can I send you a
photo and just looking at it. If that's the size
(03:10):
you want, then that's the size it is. Or I'll
say it like I think it's like a I never
want to overshoot him, like I think it's like eight
and a half. I don't know. I don't know what
it is, but I will say during the summer I
did this summer, I was like, oh, it's really girthy
and thick. But I've also looked at it. It's winter where
I'm recording this. What day is it that we're November
recording this? And my dick looks the same to me.
(03:31):
I took a dick pic yesterday and it does not
seemed to be suffering now I am in LA and
so our cold is like what like fifty five degrees
sixty degrees. So perhaps if you're in the UK, because
I know the UK, y'all be cold as fuck, and
New York, you know, be cold as fuck. So perhaps
you know the east coasts and the you know, the
people that have real winter, maybe your dicks are shrinking.
(03:53):
And to which I say, who it's that Wendy Williams
meme where she goes, Oh okay, anyways, that's how I feel.
I'm like, oh okay, Well, anyways, I listen, this might
(04:16):
be true. Somebody do the research and doctor patrons, email
me let me know if this is a thing. Email
tell me something messy at gmail dot com. I said
to feel sas because it's sounding a lot like blue balls,
which is like, oh, I can't you know, I need
you have to stroke me otherwise my balls. My husband
says blue balls are real. I don't know. I don't
think they're real, but whatever, So I don't know. Maybe
this is true, maybe it's not. Somebody let me know.
(04:37):
But you know, if you are having trouble performing in
the winter months, you can say I have winter penis,
even saying it it's wild to me. I have Winter Penis,
winter is coming. I haven't watched Game of Thrones, but
maybe that's what she meant when she's the winter is coming.
Or I guess Winter's not coming.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
Huh.
Speaker 3 (04:58):
I see what I did there. By the way, welcome
to the show. This is tell me something messy. I'm
Brandon called Goodman, your host. Some people call me messy mom,
but today you can call me summer Penis. Summer penists
twenty four to seven. Heah, there you go, game of
summer Penis. There was some yeah, game of summer Penis. Yeah,
(05:22):
something in there. Merch baby. You know what that means?
It is time for a guest. Actually, in this episode,
we're gonna have two guests. Now, while they get situated,
we'll get our messy key Key started with a how
manifesto repeat after me aloud or in your head. Grant
me the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal,
(05:43):
the wisdom to that sex is not just about penetration.
The audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries. The
strength to not call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl,
or fuck day, even though it's Christmas. Okay, for it
is better to masturbate by myself and then to let
someone play in my motherfucking face. Let the community say,
(06:05):
oh helujah. I am so excited to have Kyle June
Williams and Nicki Douglas on the show. Nicki Douglas is
a Lucille Lortel Odelco and Princess Grace Award winning Brooklyn
based experimental theater and dance maker who is interested in
leading community care centered creative processes. You can refer to her, them, him,
(06:28):
us using any pronouns said with respect. She is currently
a harp Resident Artist at Here Arts Center, where she
is creating a new dance theater piece called Only I.
Kyle June Williams had a residency at the Standard Hollywood
creating queer driven comedy shows. Kyle June's one woman show
Only Child, a true Ish crime documentary about a catfishing
(06:51):
murderer up for parole, premieres at Arsenova in New York
this coming February. Kyle and Nikki also have known me
since I was eighteen years old and we went to
college together and have been just busom buddy friends since.
I'm so excited to have my chosen family on the show,
Please help me. Welcome Kyle June Williams and Nikki Douglas. Hi. Nikki, Hi, Kyle, Hi. Hi.
(07:20):
This is so funny because it's the first time that
I have no I've had two guys before, but first
time I've had two guests in studio at the same time.
So my head is like, I love this, this is wonderful.
How's your day today, Nikki?
Speaker 4 (07:32):
So far, so good, A regular day. I'm an educator
coming from the classroom and I'm here now and I'm
so happy.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
And you, Kyle, what is regular anymore?
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Ky, he's ready to go. Okay, before we get into
our messy key key, here's some messy mandates. Things get
to be unprocessed. Any thoughts or opinion shared have the
right to shift, change or evolve today, tomorrow, ten years
from now. And if during the key keys something feels
too personal or unintentionally offends, we use the safe word foodsball,
(08:04):
which gives us the second to uh, pause and address
and pivot accordingly.
Speaker 5 (08:09):
How sports of you?
Speaker 3 (08:10):
I love sports? I love sports. Okay, let's start with
a loop breaker. Yes, a loop breaker. Yeah, this is
a game of smash or pass by the way, Merry Christmas.
Everyone waits Christmas on Thursday. It's today Christmas. I don't know, whatever,
it's Wednesday. Smash your pass decorating Christmas trees and smash.
Speaker 6 (08:35):
Is good and passes?
Speaker 3 (08:36):
No? Yeah like smash smash. Okay, you like to decorate
Christmas tree?
Speaker 6 (08:40):
I like to decorate anything.
Speaker 3 (08:41):
Really, Oh how about you pass?
Speaker 5 (08:43):
I have cats.
Speaker 2 (08:46):
That's just asking for it.
Speaker 3 (08:48):
Yeah, yeah, I'm a pass on the decorating of the
Christmas tree. Matthew loves to decorate the Christmas tree. I
love Christmas tree and I every time we have to
go buy one month, but he finally let us get
a plastic one. Oh my god, how I'm so excited.
I know some people are like the real tree, but
the real tree like side top of the tree. We
need the trees.
Speaker 7 (09:09):
That is such a metaphor for your relationship as well,
that he desperately wanted to decorate a Christmas tree, and
so that you said no unless it's a plastic tree.
Speaker 3 (09:20):
You know, I never said I never said no. I
never said no. I would decorate. I would put on
Mariah Carey's Apple Christmas Special, and I would put the
ornaments on and I have a Black Angels of the Startopper.
I think we also have a Beyonce Startupper Startoppers as
one does. So like I support it, but I don't
(09:41):
like to participate in it.
Speaker 6 (09:43):
Absolutely.
Speaker 3 (09:43):
But now with the plastic tree.
Speaker 8 (09:45):
No needles, no needles and no watering, no no mess,
and then it goes away like I don't have to
like lug it out, you know, because we would have
the tree deliver it's too much.
Speaker 3 (09:56):
So right now, just say, y'all know, while you're listening
to this, I am sitting under my plastic tree with
with some kind of alcoholic beverage and a joint for sure,
because it's Christmas and I could do whatever I want
on Christmas. You know what I'm saying, Smash her past
Frosty the Snowman. Can I go first? I would smash.
(10:17):
I think Frosty is a sensitive soul. I think that
carrot is has always you know anyways, and so I
would smash Frosty. I feel like we have a good time,
and the best part is like the season changes, He's gone,
you know what I'm saying, Like you don't have to
worry about it after a certain amount of time, it's
(10:37):
clearly a fuck buddy. It's clearly like that's not somebody
you gotta really invest in. You can just really take
that carrot, do what you gotta do with it, and
then you keep the carrot, which is lovely. It's a
fuck buddy who leaves behind a gift, you know what
I'm saying. So I'm going to I'm gonna smash Frosty
the snowman down. How about you, two.
Speaker 4 (10:59):
Ladies, And it's it's a smash for me. But I
do feel anxious about it because we're always on the clock.
You're always racing towards a puddle, I know.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (11:09):
And you have to keep the house cold.
Speaker 6 (11:11):
You gotta keep at you gotta keep a colt.
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Or you gotta funk outside. But he's very specific about
the environment that he can last in. That's right, you
can last in.
Speaker 5 (11:24):
You know, nothing has changed.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
Christmas filing Christmas. Can you talk to me?
Speaker 5 (11:37):
I would smash because Frosty is a di wire.
Speaker 6 (11:41):
Say more, say more about it.
Speaker 5 (11:43):
Just think it's just a collection of goods. You don't
have to buy nothing.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
It's all from from around, from around.
Speaker 3 (11:55):
Climate change friendly, like my guy is reusing things. Yeah,
although how it's going we might have a prosty.
Speaker 6 (12:04):
I mean it might just be really small, really little.
Speaker 4 (12:08):
Guys, just three ice cubes.
Speaker 3 (12:12):
Yes, yes, yes, we should still use the same size carrot,
very very long carrot on this three ice cubes.
Speaker 5 (12:20):
Right, we're here to talk about Dick.
Speaker 3 (12:23):
You forgot at any point, if you forget what the
show is about. If y'all have any prompts or ideas
for LU breakers, you can email tell me something Messy
at gmail dot com. Speaking of which, Nikki tell me
something messy.
Speaker 4 (12:38):
Oh wait, okay, I mean I have two messies, but
this one I think is more fun, so I'll leave
with this one.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (12:53):
So I am also.
Speaker 4 (12:55):
Thirty seven, Yeah, living in my thirty seventh year, and
I still have crushes. I like, still very much have
a crush all the time. And this is my messy crush.
I was walking out of I teach down Town in
down Had Manhattan. I was walking off campus and I
was headed just on a walk, just like truly on
a walk. Then this man who I have this crush on,
(13:18):
starts walking up the block.
Speaker 6 (13:19):
I see him. Yes, I'm gonna tell you who he is.
Speaker 4 (13:22):
This is the messiest part, the messiest part I see
him from a distance, From like a great distance, I
see him.
Speaker 6 (13:29):
I just want to name that. I saw him from
like a.
Speaker 3 (13:31):
Block and a half away.
Speaker 4 (13:32):
Oh wow, Wow, that's the crush I have is on
an actor who to me is very famous, is doing
a lot of work in the indie film game.
Speaker 6 (13:43):
He was just in It's a Beautiful Name.
Speaker 4 (13:46):
Yeah, he was just in the in your Ghost Lanthemist film.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
He's okay.
Speaker 6 (13:51):
The actor's name is Mama Do. I felt you have
talked about.
Speaker 3 (13:56):
Before, very very very If.
Speaker 4 (14:00):
I could like flip something over in this room, I
would flip it over the water. Yeah, that's how I
feel about Mamma Do. Mamadu was just in a show
at the public theater. So he was in the neighborhood,
which is in the same neighborhood of the school I teach,
and I teach it m Iu. So I was seeing
him come up the street and I was like, oh,
I have this is this person I have a crush on.
Speaker 6 (14:18):
We also like know each other a little bit.
Speaker 4 (14:20):
As he's walking up and approaching me, I'm like making
a very serious kind of eye contact.
Speaker 6 (14:25):
I'm like really looking. I'm just looking.
Speaker 4 (14:27):
From the second I see him I'm just locked in,
so it's a whole block of me just like trying
to look at him. He's got his earbuds in, but
he does do a double take. He sees me he's famous,
so he just keeps moving. He's like whatever, that person's
looking at me. Then he looks back, he takes his
earbuds out, and he goes hey, and I go hey,
(14:48):
mama do And then we proceed to like catch up
a little bit in the street.
Speaker 2 (14:55):
Wait, you know.
Speaker 6 (14:56):
Each other a little bit? A little bit, okay, a
little bit.
Speaker 5 (14:59):
I need that in the but they thank you for elaborating.
Speaker 4 (15:04):
We know each other just a little bit. It's like
a couple of degrees of separation, but enough enough.
Speaker 3 (15:08):
Apparently, apparently for him to turn around.
Speaker 4 (15:10):
To have a moment in the street. And I'm stuttering.
I'm like cold sweating. I don't know what I I
don't know what I said to him.
Speaker 6 (15:16):
I blocked out.
Speaker 4 (15:18):
But we did share a moment, and I've been thinking
about ever since. This was like a month ago. This
is like a very long time ago.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
Oh my goodness, what's your what do you want? I
want to ask a questions? I ask a question. You
don't have to answer, but how do you want to
be ravaged by him? How do you? Oh my, I
don't have to answer if you don't want to. But
I am curious, like what is the fantasy? Where are we?
Are we in Costa Rica? Are we uptown? Are we
in Australia? Are we on a beach? Are we on
(15:45):
a hotel? Like? What? How are we? You know what?
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 6 (15:48):
I do know what you're saying, and I feel things
I know about mama. Do you grew up here? Is
of Mauretanian heritage?
Speaker 4 (15:57):
And so I just want to be ravaged in the
most African of ways. Yes, yes, yes, yeah, say less,
say less, sister, say less, I understand. Yes, yes, it's
a sort of it's about Kwanza in a way.
Speaker 6 (16:19):
I feel it is related to the season. Yes, yes,
that's what I want for you.
Speaker 3 (16:27):
Yes, to turn that into our holiday story.
Speaker 6 (16:32):
Wow?
Speaker 3 (16:34):
Wow, quite impressive. I want to give you a standing ovation.
Thank you so wow beautiful. Thank you, Thank you for
sharing that, Thank you.
Speaker 4 (16:40):
For culturally mess Yeah yeah it was wow.
Speaker 3 (16:46):
Let's y'all if you have messy stories, tell them something,
Tell me something. Message gmail dot com. But shall we
do some mess email please, Yes, this is I couldn't
be happier. This is my Christmas wish. Okay. As always,
your submissions, stories and questions remain anonymous. This first one says,
I blew my friends with benefit and sat on his
(17:07):
face in the closet of another friend's house during a
birthday party. But have you ever sat on somebody's face
in the closet?
Speaker 6 (17:15):
Yes, honestly, thrilled to know you.
Speaker 3 (17:22):
Thrilled an honor, an honor, high honor.
Speaker 5 (17:27):
How did I think I'd have nothing?
Speaker 3 (17:29):
You really came in here, was like, I don't know
if I have anything to girl. Okay, you've lived I've
lived a life. Okay, So you you sat, You sat
on somebody's face in a closet. Do you have like
what was the context of it? Why were we in
the closet?
Speaker 2 (17:45):
We were at a party. It was in college.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
Yes, we were all trying to raise money for a play.
Speaker 5 (17:56):
Oh my god, not a fund raised It was a fundraiser.
Speaker 3 (18:03):
And you're distracted, distracted, distracted?
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Yes, and uh, there was a very cramped space beneath
the stairs to.
Speaker 3 (18:14):
The understair closet.
Speaker 5 (18:16):
Yeah, so there's not much maneuvering you can do.
Speaker 6 (18:21):
All you can do?
Speaker 3 (18:22):
Is it? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (18:25):
I'm just thinking of how how many jobs I no
longer will be able to believe.
Speaker 3 (18:32):
We'll blow your face out.
Speaker 6 (18:38):
Can I be anonymous?
Speaker 1 (18:41):
Absolutely?
Speaker 3 (18:42):
Anonymous? Just say it. That's it, That's what the show does. Okay.
This one says I female had sex with a woman
for the first time in my life last week, and
I am.
Speaker 4 (18:54):
Chain, Yeah, that had sex with women feel very similarly
to my first time. I was like, oh, it can
be this thoughtful.
Speaker 3 (19:03):
That's what I would like to know. What is it
that changes it for you? Because like I still sleep
with men, and you know RP, but.
Speaker 4 (19:09):
For for for all, men are dying.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
You know, men are trash, and you know it is
what it is. But for as a I think I
would make an incredible lesbian. I've said this on the show.
I would love to be a lesbian. It would be
my greatest honor to be a lesbian. Every time I
say that to a lesbian, they're like, yeah, you should
be you this makes sense, but it just you know,
there just things don't work out for me, but it
(19:37):
for you? In sleeping at with a woman, what was
the like why was it so transformative?
Speaker 4 (19:41):
I mean for me, it just had to do with
having had a significant amount of or enough amounts of
sex with men people or people with penises. Yeah, and
then the like the shift had to do with presence.
It had to do with like eye contact.
Speaker 6 (19:59):
It had to do you with I still.
Speaker 3 (20:02):
Be looking at I was talking for a long time,
and every time we would do missionary, he wouldn't look
me in the eye.
Speaker 6 (20:07):
And I was like, I'm shocking.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
He's like looking to the side, he's like looking above,
and I'm like, I'm right here.
Speaker 4 (20:13):
We're like we're lined up, you're inside me, Like you
gotta look in you gotta look in my eyes, just
like you're.
Speaker 3 (20:19):
Already inside me, look at me in the eyes. It's
too much, okay, Yeah, so.
Speaker 6 (20:23):
Yes, Yeah. And I had to do with softness, just soft, Yeah,
just so soft.
Speaker 3 (20:27):
Yeah, the skin is soft, the energy is soft. Yeah,
that makes sense.
Speaker 6 (20:32):
Yeah, women are just better. Sorry, well the wrong, the wrong.
Speaker 3 (20:39):
But it's like there's the more the I I value
emotional connection in sect because like it is something that
like now when even if it's a one time hookup,
I'm like, I want the emotional connection, which just simply
could be Like we talked about Housewives for a moment
or like we you know, danced and the movement was correct,
but there's like some kind of connection that happened before
(21:00):
the thing. I don't know what I was talking about.
Speaker 4 (21:03):
Yeah, just how how if you if you were to
switch over to being a lesbian.
Speaker 6 (21:08):
Yeah yeah, And.
Speaker 3 (21:09):
That's why I like women, because because women stay emotionally connected,
they value the emotional connection. Thank you so much. Yes, okay.
This one says I'm on a solo trip to Italy
and I just fucked my tour guide. Best sixty dollars
I ever spent. This is another person like, wow, y'all
(21:30):
are out here living and in Italy. Now they are passionate.
That's what I was saying. The men in America they
can be rough, but I feel like the men specifically
in Europe culturally at least like France, Spain, Italy, they're
like lovers. They enjoy, they want to be lovers.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
Men in America are a plastered wall. Men in Europe
are the crown molding.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
You know what I mean?
Speaker 3 (21:57):
Like all the men just turned off the up. We
love you if you're here and you're part of the podcast, said,
yes we are.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Sometimes you need a little plaster.
Speaker 3 (22:08):
Yeah, just trying to make it better. Sometimes you plaster,
we value but yeah, there's a there's a passion which
I think is just kind of you can think about
like how we in America are raised around sex and sexuality,
(22:31):
and how what men are taught, what women are taught,
what queer folks are taught. And then you go elsewhere
and there seems to be more of an interest in
love making, which doesn't mean that it can't be rough
and tough and whatever, but it just means that there's
I'll look you in your eye, I'll kiss you, you know,
I'll ask you about what you like, what's your pleasure
(22:52):
you know, which is just something that we It's romantic.
It's romantic, yes, And here romance is so radical because
romance is only reserved for being in a relationship, whereas
I think there romance is a way of life. It
is like they live for the romance and the poeticness
of just connecting. I like all my like grinder hookups
(23:14):
in Spain were some of the most like emotionally connected,
like beautiful, soft like version of sex that I've had,
whereas here it's always like, uh, come in me right now,
and then get out like I don't.
Speaker 1 (23:30):
I live through your healthy experiences of an app.
Speaker 5 (23:35):
Oh, thank you, I truly do.
Speaker 3 (23:37):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
That is like something that I feel as a woman,
I would never be able to say.
Speaker 3 (23:45):
Yeah, so yeah. I'm sure part of that is if
you're navigating heterosexual men on an app, imagine I have
no experience with what that is. The other pieces, because
you know, queer men and gay men are not immune
from being of course, of course, well and they very
much are on these apps. But I think over the years,
(24:06):
because let's say, how long has it been since being
on that, It's like, what ten eleven years of being
on apps, I have become really clear about what my
boundaries are on who I talk to and I know
and I really believe I know immediately by your opening
line in the first couple texts how this is going
to go when somebody messages and they're actually interested in
(24:27):
my day or how I am, and not just like, hey,
how are you, but like they're willing to talk about
things and say, oh, like I'm into this or I'm
doing da da da dada. I know that's going to
be fruitful when somebody messages, which is no problem with
that but it's just not for me. And they're like,
can you come over right now? Will you blow my
back out? Like it's like, oh, that's not going to
be emotionally connected. I'm in that exchange. I'm an object,
(24:49):
which is fine, but I don't want to be an
object in my sex. And so I think I've really
heightened the boundaries that I have on the apps and
that's made for a much better experience.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Yeah, you have a lot of autonomy when you go on,
which I rephrase that not necessarily as a woman. I
just think that, like you, you are so good with
words as well, and you are such a good communicator,
and having having a nobility to do that via messaging
(25:20):
is a different skill set that I don't I don't
have necessarily.
Speaker 3 (25:26):
That's so interesting and I wonder I can't even in this.
I'll think about it, but I can't even Like, how
do you help somebody become a better because you're right,
like texting is really about writing, and if you don't,
even if you consider yourself a writer, but especially if
you don't consider yourself a writer, how do you activate
yourself in that medium? And I imagine, oh, I'm having
(25:47):
a an o moment, a big old moment, which I
think is people who write to me stressed about the apps.
There's a really good chance that they're not good at
writing or texting messaging, which makes trying to interact or
find partners via an app probably much more challenging.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
No, I think it's more writing for self, because I
can write, but writing.
Speaker 5 (26:13):
For myself as myself.
Speaker 2 (26:16):
If I gave.
Speaker 3 (26:17):
You my account, you'd be like, OK, this, but for yourself. Yeah, yeah,
that's that's also that's another layer of nuance if you
if you don't know how to write, but if you
do know how to write, how do you write on
behalf of yourself? I think a lot of times. And
I was interviewing somebody yesterday and we were talking about
how the bedroom is a place of make believe. It
(26:37):
is a place of fantasy. That like, even whether you
are actually playing out fantasies I'm this and you're that,
or just like what you've projected on that hookup and
who you think they are are Jim crushes or whatnot,
that is a place of make believe and so can
you lean into that? So I've been working on leaning,
like I want to get more comfortable in my dumbness
(26:58):
and in like my my ability to take charge. And
so some of that has come from like acting just
like pretending, like let me like what, like what is
the mindset of a don that I'd be interested in?
Can I act that out? And that has helped to
like take Brandon out of it and just play a character.
Speaker 4 (27:16):
I don't know if that's I think the thing that
I hear inside of the conversation is curiosity and like
the value of curiosity in a sexual experience. I think
so often people, especially on apps, you know, they just
like everybody wants the same thing.
Speaker 6 (27:30):
We all want a little little sex in.
Speaker 4 (27:32):
Our lives, but the way you go after it can
sometimes like yes to the writing challenge. But I feel
like if you write with curiosity, if you share what
you're curious about, what you're interested in, with like openness
and a willingness to be in your imagination and needs
to play, then those are those are the times that
I have found better experiences.
Speaker 3 (27:51):
Off of apps.
Speaker 4 (27:52):
Yeah, like yeah, you write well, and like yeah, we're
able to find a rapport together via text message, but
it seems like we're both curious enough to gauge or
to meet each other and play a little bit.
Speaker 3 (28:02):
That is a beautiful piece. The curiosity, Like, like when
you can feel that somebody's actually interested in you, it
gives you space to be curious back, it gives you
space to not because I never, like, I hate when
I feel like I have to like second guess what
I'm messaging. H this is too much, and it's like
I just kind of want to say I love this
and I like this, and if you don't vibe with it,
(28:24):
then like move on, you know, like I'll move on.
But I think there's still a version of me that
like wants to be wanted, and so you're trying to
make the perfect interaction for somebody who just honestly may
not be perfect for you. Yeah, I don't know. It's
a it's complicated. I never I've never had to think
about the relationship to the acts. Okay, this one says
(28:50):
I'm a thirty three year old gay guy and I've
never been in a relationship. I feel so lonely. I'm
such a late bloomer, and I found it hard to
find community and hard to feel queer enough. I'm not
even sure what that means, but I wrestle with feeling
like I belong. I don't know what my question is
other than how can I be more queer and less
alone and find love?
Speaker 4 (29:11):
Oh? If I can just respond to this so quickly,
I really this resonates with me so much just because
I have I have been like queer in my I
have known that I've been queer for a long time.
Let's say, right around college time. I was like, oh yeah, no,
that's yeah.
Speaker 6 (29:26):
I like all of the things.
Speaker 4 (29:27):
I date everybody, I date people I like. And I
was in my first relationship with a woman. Maybe I
was thirty four, so just around the same age as
this person who's written, and that was my also my
first long term relationship, and it was it came at
a time. I mean it came at in COVID time,
(29:49):
but it also came at a time when I just
had space and capacity to be with myself and in
dialogue with myself.
Speaker 6 (29:56):
So I guess I just.
Speaker 4 (29:57):
Want to say to this person that queerness is uh
not determined by some some outside force. I think queerness
for me is determined by my own rules, my own desires,
my own questions, and you can move through it at
whatever pace, in whatever timing you need to.
Speaker 6 (30:18):
It is up to you.
Speaker 3 (30:19):
Yeah, you know, I'm more and more I'm realizing how
important it is to say that out loud. And I
think that's what queerness. I know people have that with
with race. You know there are I can't tell you
the amount of people who are biracial who feel like
they can't own their blackness, and like and in these
in these groups that get where we have to qualify
(30:42):
their qualifications for your queerness, qualifications for your blackness, qualifications
for your womanhood. I think it is so important to
say over and over there are no qualifications. It is
what it is for you. Like, what is true for
you is what it is, your version of it, your
even as a non binary, Like what is non binary
look like? Wrestle with that all the time. You look
(31:02):
so masculine, you're not androgenous stuff. You don't look non binary?
Fuck out of here, like it is true for me.
And so how I show up is what non binary
looks like. And how what that person shows up, That's
what non binary looks like. How that person shows up,
that's what queer looks like. So however you show up,
you are inherently that thing. And so however you show
up is how that is represented, and I think the
(31:26):
suffering comes from trying to be somebody else's version, whether
it's you know, your favorite character on TV or what
your community is doing. But like you just, it is
hard and it takes time. It's not an easy solve,
but the work is getting comfortable in your version, what
makes you happy, what makes you feel good, and then
(31:47):
that's it. You know it, Let it be expansive.
Speaker 5 (31:51):
I definitely I wrestle with this a lot.
Speaker 3 (31:55):
Yeah, tell me.
Speaker 1 (31:57):
I still don't feel queer enough or the ability to
sort of claim queer, both because of not being able
to say it till later on in life. And that
(32:17):
has nothing to do with.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
My upbringing or I mean.
Speaker 5 (32:22):
We all went to school in New York City for
theater people.
Speaker 1 (32:27):
It's definitely something that is built into my body from
very young and even today. I mean, Brandon, I've spoken
with you at length about this. Like I, no one
else is telling me I'm not queer enough. It's only me,
(32:49):
and that is first of all, so hard to admit,
but it's the truth. Because we all move through space
and say what's your pronounce? So I feel like I
always have to have an answer, or I had to
have a coming out story.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
Rather than just being.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
And I also think I had a secret relationship with
a woman for which I don't I still can't put
rap around my brain how and why it was kept secret,
but it was, And so I think it's important to
remember that.
Speaker 5 (33:35):
You kind of create your own prison.
Speaker 1 (33:42):
And I have to remind myself to be kind to
myself and to walk in a room giving people the
benefit of the doubt, especially in this day and age.
I mean, we're so lucky to live in New York
that I feel more often not accepted and loved. Sure,
(34:02):
but yeah, I mean I can walk into a room
full of lesbians and still feel odd and like I
need to over explain myself.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
That's the other thing.
Speaker 1 (34:16):
I'm a super chatty Kathy, and I explain it to
my therapist, like I don't know what to do with
my hands. I don't know where I put in my pocket,
I don't know where that to put it out for handshake,
high five, hug. And I mean I'm thirty nine and.
Speaker 3 (34:34):
Still it is say it differently.
Speaker 5 (34:38):
I am thirty nine years young.
Speaker 9 (34:43):
I have seen the world turn, the dinosaurs come and go.
But I think that there is a lot with coming
out later in life coming out that idea, and also like,
I'm so intrigued that your first long term relationship was
(35:06):
with a woman because I don't feel like it can
actually put my have that or I haven't had that,
so it's hard for me to claim it. I mean
it is the same thing with like, we live in
a world now where you're supposed to put your status
where if you put a rainbow.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
Sign, people are like, oh are you by You know
what I mean.
Speaker 5 (35:25):
It's this.
Speaker 2 (35:27):
Curiosity, which I think is good.
Speaker 1 (35:29):
But I also want to live in a place where
I assume everybody is queer sure, and everybody is fluid
and everybody is everybody is just there.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
To meet the person that they want to meet.
Speaker 1 (35:42):
And I feel like the generation younger than us is
there and I'm just trying to allow myself to live
in that same space.
Speaker 3 (35:55):
Is there any way for your community to support you,
because I know you said it. It's like it's not
anyone else telling you you're not queer, it's just you
so one and you don't have to have an answer
or it can be on process. But I'm curious, is
there any way for your community, which is you know,
we're part of your community that can support you in
(36:18):
changing that. And the second part of that is like
what do you muse? Right, doth be perfect? But what
do you muse would be the steps in changing that
story for yourself and like being able to affirm that
you are queer, Like what would what would need to
happen or what do you muse the steps would be?
Speaker 5 (36:38):
I feel very lucky.
Speaker 1 (36:39):
I feel very supported by everybody that's around me. I
think because I'm older and I am still single.
Speaker 2 (36:46):
It is a little bit of feeling like you're an
island of your own, uh.
Speaker 1 (36:52):
Managing both meeting somebody later in life potentially, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (36:56):
That's the other thing is I also have uh.
Speaker 1 (37:02):
Beautiful vision of being on an island of my own
with a gorgeous house.
Speaker 2 (37:08):
And you know, wild animals running around me. I don't know.
It's you know, am I a witch? Yes?
Speaker 6 (37:17):
Yes, I don't.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
I think the idea, the thing that would make me
feel most supported is to stop putting so much pressure
on the idea of relationship and that making you whole.
Speaker 2 (37:33):
I think a bar yeah.
Speaker 1 (37:36):
And I don't think that any And that's the thing is,
I don't think anybody puts pressure on me per se
to meet somebody.
Speaker 3 (37:45):
But yes they have society. Society every show that you've
watched on you like you've grown up in a tank
of pressure. Like we are swimming in pressure to find
a mate and mate and have like that. That is
the the I just posted something that said, normalize. There's
(38:06):
no rule that says you have to get married and
start a family. Normalize splitting a mansion with five of
your best friends and ten dogs and yeah, honestly sounds
great to me. But like that, I'm sure you can
also read that and go h and that uh is
because we've been indoctrinated to say no, like for me
to be a whole person, I have to have somebody
(38:27):
else or I have to be in a relationship. And
I do think there is some work to do to
release that. But I just want to affirm that there
has been pressure.
Speaker 6 (38:37):
Yes to do that.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
Yes, you're right. I think a lot of the times
I'm like, don't worry, guys, you're.
Speaker 3 (38:44):
Swimming in it.
Speaker 6 (38:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:45):
I think it's the idea that sort of normalizing not
asking somebody who they're dating. Yeah, if they're in a relationship,
maybe asking them, uh, how is work?
Speaker 6 (38:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (39:00):
What what are you excited to work on. What are
you passionate about?
Speaker 3 (39:02):
How's your heart? I like asking that.
Speaker 1 (39:04):
Yeah, I think a lot of times I hear you know,
I this is not this is this is my side
of the corner. But like I was watching Murder on
Elm Street, which is a murder document, yes, and they
were talking about this young woman who passed, and the
father was saying, uh, I'm just I just think about, uh,
(39:27):
how what a wonderful wife she would have made, and
like what a wonderful like what a man would have
just loved to.
Speaker 2 (39:33):
Have her as his wife.
Speaker 5 (39:35):
And I was like, what the fuck.
Speaker 3 (39:37):
Reduced to somebody's wife as opposed to being her own?
Speaker 1 (39:42):
And I feel that all the time surrounding me, especially
because I'm at the age where you know, I'm considered
rotten inside and not able to procreate or I am
actually but you know, I just I don't feel the
lack of support from friends. But I do think it's
(40:02):
about changing the bigger conversation.
Speaker 3 (40:04):
Yeah, the societal conversation.
Speaker 4 (40:06):
And I think you're right that there is something you
know that that we are like growing out of in
terms of how generations are considering love and yeah, relationship
status and what that means or what it can look like.
I feel like the generation coming up behind us is
just like we're paving a way in many ways, like
the we are cursed with it, but it's it's almost over.
Speaker 6 (40:26):
In a way.
Speaker 3 (40:27):
Well, we're the generation that I think is at the crossroads,
right Like I think our generation is the generation that's
starting to go to therapy and take mental health seriously.
And so our kids, which I don't know, I'm not
having kids. It like I'll be a good uncle or godparent,
will have parents or people around them who have been
(40:47):
raising their emotional intelligence and who have been learning how
to communicate. And so that's just going to breed a
different type of desire and a different track. But I
think we are, you know, blessed or cursed with have
to straddle the line and straddle the bridge of breaking
the curses in so many ways, of fighting against the
(41:07):
messaging even though we were indoctrinated with it, like having
to pick it out and that is hard and that
is strenuous and I think has to be done in community.
But you're right, ultimately it is the bigger conversation because
I said this, you can't expect a child to not
absorb that, and a child only becomes an adult who
has absorbed that and is operating from that until they're not,
(41:28):
which is I think these conversations help interrupt, but there
is an interruption that has to happen.
Speaker 1 (41:34):
Yeah, and it's I think I think queer or not,
you're still expected to walk down the aisle, expect.
Speaker 3 (41:42):
That to be heteronormative, like you're still expected to have
all the same things to say. Look, we're good queer. Yeah,
we're a normal queer normal.
Speaker 1 (41:52):
And I very much like love the conversations that are
that are being had now because I think that hearing them,
hearing that, hearing the type of discourse, especially you know,
not to toot your own horn, but I'm toooting it
in this podcast allows people to feel on their own,
(42:15):
given a toolbox, yes, and to not necessarily feel like
you have to be one way or another. That we
are constantly learning, and I think that's the thing is
I feel like I should I should say I'm a lesbian,
I should have a wife, I should be in a house,
I should adopt three kids, But maybe I should just
(42:36):
keep learning.
Speaker 3 (42:37):
Yes, yeah, and you should, like that's the only should
the only should is to evolve, to change and to
be That's the only thing that you should do. The
rest of it is like, if that's what you want,
you like, But if you don't want it, that's also cool.
I think like we we feel like it's not cool
because we feel like we're standing on our own. And
(42:58):
I think about this with Matthew and being polyamorous, and
I've talked about it when when we first started being open,
you know, we would get on grinder and people are like,
you're open, And now people are like, oh, you're probably
like whatever for the most part, but it's like, oh,
we felt like we were on our own island. It
didn't mean that what we were doing was wrong. It
just meant like everyone else wasn't doing it. And I
think that sometimes we have to get comfortable being on
(43:21):
our own. You're not really like you have your community,
but be comfortable with like saying like I might be
the only one doing this right now and that's okay.
What matters is does it make me happy? Do I
feel safe? Do I feel good? Do I feel value?
Do I feel protected? If all those boxes are being checked,
I don't even fuck what it is, you know, what
I'm saying you're not hurting yourself anybody else, I'll go
fuck what it is. But I think our brains are trained,
(43:43):
especially as women, especially as queer folks. Our worth comes
from how well we are liked, how well we are accepted,
how well we're able to perform, how productive we're able
to be, how well we can stay inside the lines,
that we can color inside the lines. That's where we
get our our validity from. And it's like we have
to it's a harder process. But having to shed that
(44:05):
and say like, no, like what I'm doing is fine,
and I still have to like I still have questions
and I still have to go, no, Brandon, you're fine,
Like that is okay what you're doing. Because the old,
the old operating system comes up. I was in it
for thirty something years before I interrupted it, So to
expect that it will be an easy transition would be
(44:28):
setting myself up for failure. You know. Yeah, thank you
for this conversation. Thank you for sharing of yourselves in
this because I know a lot of people listening and
that write and write and similar to this person about
not feeling queer enough, about wanting a relationship or wanting
to find love, or not sure what that looks like,
(44:48):
or not showing how they want to set things up.
And I really think that these conversations allow us to
satiate or balm the discomfort on the journey, you know,
like it is a journey. We're going for it, but
it gets uncomfortable, and hearing that other people are experiencing
something similar, I think makes it a little easier.
Speaker 6 (45:12):
I hope it's the only way.
Speaker 3 (45:15):
It is the only fucking way.
Speaker 6 (45:17):
It's scary, but we've got to talk.
Speaker 3 (45:19):
We got to talk to each other, especially in this climate. Especially,
you know, we were before we got a mic, Nicky
and I hear Nicky and I were here talking about
you know, the election, you know, and so more than ever,
it is important for us to talk. More than ever,
it's important for us to say the quiet things out loud,
(45:41):
because this next four years in particular, is gonna be
about silencing people. It's gonna be about pushing people back
into their corners, getting people back into their lanes, and
we just cannot succumb to that. And the only way
that we are able to, I think, be victorious is together.
And that's again I always say, it's not some spiritual bullshit.
It literally is just tea.
Speaker 1 (46:03):
And to celebrate your uniqueness and your difference because at
the end of the day, they can push us into
as many boxes as they want to try to.
Speaker 2 (46:13):
But to have ownership of who.
Speaker 1 (46:17):
You are is so important and that it doesn't it's
not hinging on someone else's idea. It's not hinging on
the person laying in bed next to you, you know,
and how important it is to also to surround yourself
with friendship and salons of people who you can commune with.
Speaker 3 (46:42):
Friends are soulmates too. You have to know that animals
and animals like soulmates, are not just that one person.
Speaker 2 (46:50):
We have to take care of ourselves.
Speaker 1 (46:53):
It's so important as each other as well, but we
have to take care of ourselves. So it's so important
over these next four only four, it.
Speaker 3 (47:05):
Will only it will only before and that is tea
because we will come together and we will make sure
that it is only the four. So yes, I'm gonna
say something to the two of you, which is because
you know, it's a Christmas episode and I specifically picked
the two of you to be here because I want
it to be with my chosen family. Because I know
some people don't get to be with their I'm that person.
(47:28):
I don't get to be with my blood family on holidays.
And I know there are a lot of people who
listen to the show who may have either lost a
loved one or loved ones or have not been accepted
by loved ones, and so their chosen family really is everything.
And I'm gonna do this without I might cry, and
so what, but I might not. But I've known the
(47:49):
two of you since I was eighteen years old, and
so it is incredibly special to be sharing this space
with the two of you. You, to have watched you
over the last however many years, because I can't do
math that fast, and to be witnessed by you, and
(48:11):
to have this love means has been has been life saving,
you know, like when losing my family and that relationship
to them in order to allow myself to be my
full queer, black, non binary free self was the hardest
(48:38):
thing I've ever done. Continues to be the hardest thing
that I do. To know that my you know, even
my mom specifically is getting older as I'm getting older,
and I do not have any semblance of her life,
and it's been hard. But what makes things soft is
(48:59):
the love that I have and the love that the
two of you and our community continues to show me
and pour on me. And so to this person that
wrote to us about, you know, not feeling queer enough
or whatever, it's like, give it time. You'll find your community.
But above all, else do you find your community. What
(49:21):
has saved my life is the two of you and
the other people that we know in our lives. But
it is it is life saving because I really could
have been on my own, you know, swirling and spiraling
and unsure and very alone, and so publicly I would
(49:45):
like to thank you for for not leaving my side,
for loving me as I am, and for insisting that
i'd be who I am. I am eternally grateful, I'm
internally grateful. So thank you and I love you. Thank
(50:08):
you for being here. Huh Merry Christmas? Where is thank you?
Speaker 8 (50:23):
Thank you? Oh?
Speaker 3 (50:24):
Yes, thank you so much. I appreciate it. All right, Well,
i'll talk to you soon. You already know we're hose here,
but hose with heart. So before we get out of here,
(50:45):
let me speak to yours. Oh you know, nothing is
new under the sun blaze a trail. Someone is looking
for you. So if you feel safe about the thing
that you're exploring, the thing that you're doing, the thing
that you're processing, then be loud. You know. I wasn't
(51:06):
loud about my polyamory or our openness for a long
time because I didn't need to be. It was something
that I was navigating in private and didn't want to
be loud about it. I wanted to figure it out.
I wanted to be able to figure out what are
my opinions on this, what are my thoughts on this?
How does this feel for me before? And how does
this feel for my partner and my partners before I
(51:27):
start allowing the world to have their opinions on it,
because I know y'all do okay, But sometimes it's scary,
especially when you're like, no one else is doing this thing,
no one else is living this way or making you
It's easy for you to go, well, then I'm wrong
or this is wrong. But perhaps you are just blazing
a trail. Perhaps you're lighting a fire, and so perhaps
(51:50):
it's you can look at it differently. I would say,
as long as you're not hurting yourself anyone else, you know,
and if it feels good, if it feels fun, it
might also feel scary bye, right, But fear or being
afraid doesn't mean the thing is bad, or being uncomfortable
doesn't mean that you're in danger. Yeah, So know the
difference between I'm uncomfortable by this because maybe I'm growing
(52:10):
and I'm expanding, or I don't like this. Yeah, But
if it's something that you're like I do, if no
one is looking at me and I don't care about
anyone's perception or anyone's opinions about it, and I'm enjoying it,
then you're probably doing something that's right for you, And
so I would keep on keeping on. Also, friends, family,
family is so hard and such a difficult thing to navigate.
(52:35):
And as I said, I'm about like thirteen years estranged
from mine. Here's what I'll share that I am. I
wrote on threads, which is I used to worry about
being abandoned, so I'd contort myself for acceptance. But now
I invite people to walk out of my life. I
(52:56):
am excited to be in the lives of the people
I love, and I want people in my life to
be excited to love me, eager to see my soul,
passionate about holding my heart softly, insistent that I be
exactly who I am. I deserve to be loved just
as fiercely as I love And if you can't rise
(53:17):
to that, then please, by all means walk out now.
If this is your first Christmas away from your family,
be it by choice or by a passing, or it's
your second year, or your tenth year or your fifteenth list,
it gets It's hard. The first year is the hardest.
(53:38):
The first couple of years are incredibly difficult. But I
will tell you it does get easier. But I don't
know if that wound ever goes away. But I have
arrived at this place where I know that my life
is infinitely better by choosing to be around people who
accept and hold and love me as I am than
(53:59):
trying to sacrifice my happiness for someone's acceptance. Don't do that,
even if it's your blood. Uh. You know we're not
taught this, because we're taught. You know, Honor your mother
and father no matter what, no matter, no matter how
they treat you on a mom and dad, And I'm
here to interrupt that if mom, dad, brother, sister, boss, teacher, friend,
(54:23):
I don't care who it is, if they are not
loving you, holding you, respecting you, championing you, advocating for you,
protecting you. Let it go easier said than done, but
you gotta let it go for your for your I
(54:49):
keep using these words, but they're right, you know, for
your expansion, but also for your for your thrival. Right,
because there is surviving and if you keep those people around,
you can survive. But that's not a life. You want
to thrive. You want to be happy. You want to
be excited to wake up. You want to know that
(55:10):
when you're going into these you know, to your your
holiday parties, that you're not going with dread. You're not
afraid that somebody's gonna say some dumb shit to you.
You know, you're not afraid that somebody's gonna to tear
you to pieces or or dismiss you or belittle you.
You want to know that whatever space you're walking into,
people want to build you up the way that you're
gonna build them up. Yeah, anyways, it's easier than done.
(55:33):
But I do want you to know, do not sacrifice
your happiness for other people's acceptance. Anyways, I love you.
Happy holidays, whatever holiday you celebrate, Happy holidays. And if
it can't be happy, this year. I wish you a
peaceful holiday. I love you. You can find Kyle June
(55:54):
on Instagram at Kyle June and Nikki on Instagram at
my Name is Nikki and I See h I. You
can find me on Instagram as well at Brandon Kyle Goodman.
You can find our podcast at tell Me Something Messy
and you can join our community on the Messy Monday's substack.
When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts, recommendations on sex
(56:17):
and self and so much more. Also, I want to
hear from you, so send your topic ideas, your messy stories,
your submissions, your game ideas to tell Me Something Messy
at gmail dot com. You can also call us at
six six nine sixty nine Messy. That is six six
nine six ninety six three seven seven nine. Rate review
(56:38):
and share this podcast with all your HOE and aspiring
HOE friends. Really really helps the show out.
Speaker 4 (56:46):
All right.
Speaker 3 (56:46):
Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick
before you make it spit, make sure they eat the
kitty before they beat the kitty, before fuckation or succation communication.
And in case you haven't heard it yet, today you
are so deeply loved. I love you, Hie. Thank you
so much for listening to Tell Me Something Messy. If
(57:08):
you all enjoyed the show, send the episode to someone
else you might like it. Tell Me Something Messy was
executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly.
Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts
from iHeartRadio and The Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app
or anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.
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