Sex Ed w/ Danielle Bezalel

DB, aka Danielle Bezalel, shares her vast knowledge of sex toys and informative stories that nobody ever got in sex education classes in school. Brandon and DB discuss de-stigmatizing kinks and masturbation, plus the very important difference between Plan-B and abortion pills, all with a healthy side of messy stories. 

Follow Brandon on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brandonkylegoodman Join the C'Heauxmunity at https://brandonkylegoodman.substack.com/ Submit your own messy story or question at [e-mail] or call ‪[phone]

See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
There's a lot of boys in Los Angeles, and so
sometimes you'd be like, you look familiar. I don't know why,
but I've started to go. I assume that we slept
with each other.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
That's just the baseline.

Speaker 1 (00:10):
So I'm gonna I'm gonna approach this with love and
compassion and like, hey, clicks the other way. So that's
my advice. My advice is to assume that you slept
with them and treat them kindly, and then you'll click
and be like, oh, I don't actually know the middle.
You know what we do here destroy shame around sex

(00:32):
by talking about sex. Now, let me tell you something messy.
I would like to make a public service announcement for
those of us who are receiving dick pics. Uh, and
for those of you who are sending dick pics, please
don't send us a dry dick pic that you know.
I don't know how else to say this. I invite
you to moisturize your dick before you take a picture.

(00:54):
I have received several dick pics you know, of different
you know, races and ethnicities, and they are dry. I like,
I could see that it's scaling, Like I just I
don't want to write back anything. I just want to
send you a link to get some aveno. And I
mean that respectfully. Like your dick is beautiful, but it

(01:15):
is a part of your body and it should be
moisturized the way that your hands should be moisturized, the
way that your elbows need to be moisturized, your knees.
You're now this Now this does get a little cultural
because I you know, I have a husband who is
white h and I had to learn about moisturizing from me,

(01:35):
just moisturizing in general. Like he didn't He doesn't believe
in lotion, and I don't understand that. And when we
first started dating, I'd be like, when white people get ashy,
it's a problem. Why, Like you know us, you know melanin,
it's a I'm reapplying moisturizer all the time, all day,
all day, all day, because you know, the moment I

(01:55):
get dry, you scratch me. You could see the frost.
But for white people it's not as easy. But if
I can see it on a white person, that means
you really hate moisturizing and you don't give a fuck
about nothing. And I would like to say you should
really care about that. Moisturizing. And if you decide not
to moisturize your legs and your hands on your chest,
that's fine, but please moisturize your dick, and please moisturize

(02:19):
your dick before you take a picture of it and
send it over. This is just my little you know
what it is. I was watching, okay, let's go in here.
I was watching a documentary on birds, because I do
watch things that are educational. So it was, you know,
like the one of those Planet Earth things and the birds,

(02:40):
and this bird he was making a like this nest,
like this fabulous fucking nest because he was trying to
check this female bird, and so he's making this fabulous
fucking nest and he had these fabulous feathers and he
had found like this like blueberry I think or something,
which apparently the narrator was saying that blueberry is everything.
And he had that one blueberry that is like gold,

(03:01):
and he found two of them, but she got distracted
by another bird. That another male bird that came, I
guess look cuter, and I think it's because his dick
was moisturized. Fuck them blueberries? How supple is that dick?
Those male birds go through all the attent, like all
that work, building nests, finding blueberries, and moisturizing their dick

(03:23):
to attract mates. I think the very least that you
human males can do is moisturize your dick. It is loving,
It is kind, it is it shows that you care.
It's an investment. Now if you need, if you need recommendations.
I love and Aveno. I do you know Jennifer Aniston

(03:45):
promotes the Avino and I love an Aveno. You know
it's my dream job to endorse and promote Avino, to
be an a Veno girly. I love almond oil. That's
a great one. You could use some shade butter okay
or some shame more. Your keels makes one. Now that's
something that's fancy. If you want to use that keel,
So that's some fancy. That's fancy. Moisturize. I'm not saying

(04:06):
you have to do that, but you can't. Or a
jejoba oil, which is j o j o b A
all of these coconut oil if you want. That's also
to that also works. There are so many options. There
are so many fucking options. Please even even Loube silicone

(04:26):
loup Will Will will moisturize or at least oil up
your dick and make it look shiny and beautiful and appealing.
I've now talked about for five or six minutes about
not having dried dick, and I hope that you hear me.
Uh and I know that my Volva owners, if you
just want to send this to a person with a

(04:48):
penis who has a dried dick and just like let
them know that you want them to do better, you
want better for them. Okay, by the way, welcome to
the show. This is telling me something messy. I'm your host,
Brandon Kyle Goodman, but you could call me Nate moisturizer sexy.
That's hot, that's good. Okay. One thing about me, My
dick is not dry. I can say that loudly and proudly.

(05:09):
That is not I'm not boasting, I'm not being arrogant.
I'm just letting you know that when I'm moisturized, my
dick gets moisturized too. So you know everyone's happy. Okay,
maybe you know what that means. It's time for a
guess now why they get situated. We'll get our messy.
Kikey started with a ho manifesto, repeat after me aloud

(05:30):
or in your head. Grant me the serenity to unpack
my shame, the courage to heal, the wisdom to know
that sex is not just about penetration, the audacity to
advocate for my pleasure and boundaries, the strength to not
call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl, or fuck they.
For it is better to masturbate by myself in peace
than to let someone play in my motherfucking face. That

(05:53):
the community say hoolujah. I am so excited to have
d B on the show. Debe is the creator, executive producer,
and hosts of sex Ed with dB, your go to
podcasts for smart, science based sex education, delivering trusted insights
from top experts on sex, sexuality, and pleasure. I'm going

(06:13):
to be a guest on the show. I'm very excited.
dB earned a Master of Public Health with expertise and sexuality,
sexual and Reproductive health from Columbia University. dB lives in Oakland, California,
and I'm so excited to talk to her today. Y'all
please help me welcome d Bay. How are you today?

Speaker 2 (06:35):
I am absolutely thrilled. I am stoked to be here.
Thank you so much Brandon for having me.

Speaker 1 (06:40):
I'm so excited to have you here. Before we jump
into our messi kiki, we have some messy mandates to
help us, you know, facilitate the whole situation. Yes, on,
things get to be unprocessed. Any thoughts or opinion shared
have the right to evolve, shift or change today tomorrow.
We're ten years from now. And if during the kei
ky something feels too personal or unintentionally offence, we use

(07:01):
the safe for it foosball, which gives us a chance
to pivot or address accordingly. Sound good, excellent, gorgeous. How
about we start with a lube breaker.

Speaker 2 (07:10):
I love that title.

Speaker 1 (07:11):
It's like an icebreaker, but you know, lube.

Speaker 2 (07:14):
Because we need a little bit of loob.

Speaker 1 (07:15):
We always needlub, silicon, a water bas whatever. Just please
lub it up, just use it, just use it. Okay.
So let's play a game of smash or pass. I
will give you a prompt and you'll tell me if
you would smash or pass it. Okay, great, smash or pass.

Speaker 2 (07:30):
Sucking toes, sucking toes okay, let me tell you that, yes, please,
Sucking toes for me personally does not get my goat.
That does not turn me on. However, I was listening
to your podcast earlier today and you're our fight Master
is on and they said something along the lines of
if it turns them on, then it'll probably turn me on.

(07:51):
And that's what I will adapt here to this answer,
which is, if my partner is like, hey, I'm interested
in you sucking on I toes because it'll really turn
me on, I'm going to say, wash those feet and
let's get this going.

Speaker 1 (08:05):
Absolutely was let's wash the feats.

Speaker 2 (08:09):
Anyone speak can be dirty, Yeah, I was it. Yeah,
not my thing. But if my partner is into it,
then I'm going to explore that because I want them
to feel pleasure.

Speaker 1 (08:19):
So it's like a so we'll call it here like
a smass, it's a smash passes.

Speaker 2 (08:23):
It's it's a smass. I would say it's directly in
the middle. But for me, it's not like a Absolutely,
I would never ever do that.

Speaker 1 (08:30):
Yes, I get that. I I've talked about it on
the show. I recently discovered that I think I have
a foot fetish. I need to do more about this.
I don't know more about it, DV except that we
have I'm like learning about it. But like I I
realized that like when I'm in the locker room or
the steam room. I'm always like, like I could care

(08:52):
less about anyone's Like Dick, I'm like looking at their
feet x on the wiener more on the I'm like,
what are those feet doing? And then my boyfriend has
the most beautiful v and I love putting in my
mouth and I I just like I've been able to
explore it with him, and I'm like, oh, I think
feet really turned me on in a way that I
like put it on my chest, like rub your feet

(09:13):
on my nipples and it really does something for me.
I will suck on your toes. Wow, I please, stuff
on my face like I Wow, something got unlocked. This
is this is like only a couple of months old.
Journey made it journey. So I'm learning more about what
it means because there's a like, is there a stigma
around a foot fetish? It feels so like obvious or

(09:35):
it feels like.

Speaker 2 (09:36):
Such a well known you know, but it's still but
it's still not like celebrated. I would say, yes, there
you go.

Speaker 1 (09:42):
It's a well known fetish, but not a celebrated fetish.
And so there is a part of me, Oh dB,
let's unpack this real time. There is a part on
here that feels like a little bit of shame which
I have not looked at or pulled at. But I
guess like part of my like hesitation to say, oh
I love feet is there's a bit of shame because

(10:03):
it's like, oh, I've always thought that was gross.

Speaker 2 (10:05):
I understand that, and it's because we have been conditioned
to think that Kingston fetishes are weird and should not
be celebrated and should not be talked about. But I
do think that right now we are kind of going
through a moment for better and worse, which again we
can unpack this, but like thinking through which fetishes and
which kinks get airtime on certain shows and what is

(10:27):
dangerous about that if it's not explained. So should I
give you an example?

Speaker 1 (10:31):
Please? Yes? Please?

Speaker 2 (10:32):
So when we think about euphoria, right it's one of
like the most watch shows about you know, sex, sexuality, teens,
that that kind of thing. And we did an episode
kind of recently on my podcast on sex Side with
dB where we talked about how teens are choking each
other during sex, but they're not doing it in a
way that is that properly, and like, you know, it's

(10:54):
based off of this Peggy Rangstein New York Times article
about this, where there's research being done and that essentially
shows that when you're choking someone, they there is research
that essentially maps like brain damage, the same kind of
CT scan that like a football player with a concussion
potentially has. Definitely, yeah, definitely we want to unpack this

(11:17):
article because the article says it way better than I do.
But essentially the idea here is that like, this is
something where boys in particular are doing to sist girls
and they are not getting their consent, and all of
these things are happening with this kink, but the BDSM
community actually says you can't actually choke anyone safely. It's
more about breath play. So it's like, how can we

(11:39):
listen to the BDSM community and to experts while also
recognizing that shows like Euphoria have millions and millions of
viewers and we need that middle ground, that conversation that
shows this is media and this is media's depiction, and
how do we reconcile that with reality of what needs
to happen.

Speaker 1 (11:56):
Oh my god, I think that that is. Wow, there's
a lot, there's there's a lot there, but it's incredible
because I think it is it's specifically doing a show
like this. The obstacle that I feel like I'm always
coming up against and a lot of us in the
sex space are coming up against, which is there is
the depiction and there's a reality, and how do you
find the middle ground Because the depiction that most people

(12:19):
see is going to be on their TV shows or
their movies. And you know, as a TV writer, sometimes
you can do that really well or you can do
a really surface version of it and I and it
can either help or or be harmful because people are
not doing more research.

Speaker 2 (12:36):
You know they're not.

Speaker 1 (12:38):
Yes, yeah, that's so anyways, that's very fascinating. But I like.

Speaker 2 (12:44):
Toast put those toes in.

Speaker 1 (12:52):
Okay, smash or past temperature play.

Speaker 2 (12:55):
Oh definitely smash, id be like cold hot?

Speaker 1 (12:59):
What is your I'm kind.

Speaker 2 (13:00):
Of interested in both.

Speaker 1 (13:01):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (13:01):
I think that, Like, I love sensuality and massage like
back to feet. I love my feet being rubbed. I
think that that feels so incredibly.

Speaker 1 (13:11):
If you rub my feet. I love that.

Speaker 2 (13:16):
Yeah, I love that consent piece there. That's hilarious. And yeah,
I just think that you know, a hot waxy candle,
it can feel very sexy, and the idea of being
able to temper it so that it's hotter when it's
close to your body and it drips, but it's cool
like cooler if it's farther away from your body. I

(13:36):
love the idea of someone else like having an ice
cube in their mouth and then like transferring that all
over my body, the nipples, the vulva, like putting it
back back in our mouth. Like it just like feels
very sexy to me, and it just really like adds
a new dimension to play.

Speaker 1 (13:56):
I would also add that because it also requires so
much more intimacy, because temperature play is not something you
just like start doing randomly, Like you have to have
a conversation about it. You gotta work to it. But
it also requires so much intimacy and care with the
pouring of the wax or with the ice cube. And
so there's there's a deepening of the sexual relationship that
I that I enjoy about temperature play.

Speaker 2 (14:17):
Yeah, the communication of like because and this should will
you know, of course we'll get into this, but like
we should be communicating with our partners no matter what
we're doing. Does this feel good? Can I look at
you you can, I kiss you, can I touch you?
Are you coming? Are you about to come? Like, there's
so many ways to talk through what's going on and
make sure both people feel good, and especially like you said,

(14:38):
for toys, for temperature play, for extra accessories, there has
to be that extra level of communication.

Speaker 1 (14:45):
Yes, agreed, Agreed. I went to h I talked with
this on the show. I went to a sex party,
however long ago, but they were there was a performance
to start the show, to start the party, and it
was this guy I who had his partner female bound
and was using like fireplay on her. Wow, and it

(15:07):
was the sexiest. My boyfriend was with me. He was like,
absolutely not, I'll never do that. But I was like,
like tri it was the sexiest, uh, most beautiful use
of fire that I feel like I've seen. It felt
like like like high class, just like sexy act. So
so I'm gonna graduate from candle wax to dB. You

(15:32):
won the game I did, because you win, you win
my additional lah. Yeah, it was very very Yeah. If
you have any uh prompts or game ideas or you
want to tell me something messy, you can email tell
me something messy at gmail dot com. Speaking of which

(15:53):
dby you. Uh, can you tell me something, Merci, I have.

Speaker 2 (15:56):
A little something for you today. So in general, I
would say I kind of keep my shit on luck.

Speaker 1 (16:09):
You know.

Speaker 2 (16:10):
In general, I'm someone who loves to participate in other
people's kind of information. But I think because I've been
in a monogue relation for almost nine years. Yeah, I
got married last year, there's there's not as much mess,
thank you so much. There's not as much mess as
some of my other gals you know, and people in
my life. But I did think back to a college

(16:32):
story that I do love to share with you. So
I yeah, like debatable on you know how great this is,
but for better or worse. I was part of a
sorority for all four years at UC Berkeley Goberts and
you know, I did meet my best friends. You know.
I lived in our sorority house. And this is a

(16:54):
gigantic house of like sixty five women live in this place. Yeah,
and eventually we had.

Speaker 1 (17:01):
You know rooms.

Speaker 2 (17:02):
Yeah, so they were mostly doubles. There were a few triples,
one or two quads and one like five so it
was like double bunks sixty one. It's a huge house.
It's like three floors of like mostly rooms. It's crazy. Wow,
I know, And this is this is a thing like
on a lot of college campuses that have sorority houses,
Like there were one hundred and twenty five women in

(17:24):
the sorority at one time, and then there were yeah,
sixty five ish people eighty I don't know who lived there.
So that was a crazy experience. And it was a
dry sororities of it, like no drinking, no drugs like
inside of the sorority. Yeah, and no bringing men, no
bringing boys to the sorority was the rule.

Speaker 1 (17:44):
Was it followed.

Speaker 2 (17:50):
And I had met this guy who me and my
friends deemed as Grimy Grady.

Speaker 1 (17:57):
Uh.

Speaker 2 (17:58):
He was just kind of a me dude. I don't know,
but I was kind of attracted to the grime. We
understand this, Like, yeah, you can be attracted to somebody
who is very sexy and at the same time is
exhibiting sketchy ass red flag behavior. Yes, and Grimy Grady Okay,

(18:18):
And you know, Grimey Grady and I had met at
his frat one night. We had hooked up whatever we like,
didn't bone. He was kind of like one of those
douchey guys who like very much tried to like get
me to go down on him without communicating that I
feel like, so.

Speaker 1 (18:35):
You know, like.

Speaker 2 (18:37):
Exactly the head hush. We need to talk about the
head push just in general, because this is assault number one. Yeah,
it is non consensual. And I know so many women
and people and queer people who this has happened to
in their lives, and I just want to name like
this is a very common and not normal experience. It's like, yeah,

(19:00):
this is a fucked up thing that we all go through.

Speaker 1 (19:04):
Yeah, it's a really common thing. And it just feels like,
come on, let's speak speak your words.

Speaker 2 (19:12):
We're twenty years old, like you could do it. And
so yeah, hence Grimy Grady, right, And at the time,
I was kind of like, oh, he's hot. All these
guys kind of do this whatever, right, We listen and
we don't judge as we hear. And one day I
was particularly horny and I texted Grimy Grady and I
was like, hey, you know, come over to the sorority house.

(19:34):
And my roommate was already asleep, and so I had
to figure out where in the sorority house we could
go that was indeed a public space in order for
me to get the D and so what we ended
up doing was going to my sorority date room, which
literally was like just an open like a room with

(19:56):
a door on it where people could go hang out.
And they're technically like this like little slit at the
bottom of the door because like one hundred years ago
they wanted to see three legs on the ground, two
at least that were men, and one that was a
woman because her other leg had to be crossed over her.
This is like, wow, this is like horror story shit,

(20:20):
like ghost Town eighteen hundreds sorority behavior, I know. So
that's the that's the deal with the door. I don't
know if the door is like that anymore, but that's
what I heard when I was rushing. I was like,
fucking yike, that is wild yikes on that fact. Yeah. Yeah,
So basically me and Grimy Grady hooked up on the
fucking carpet and of the date room, and you know,

(20:44):
kind of like exhibition behavior. I think. I in college,
you know, you have roommates, You're like, I kind of
have to hook up with this person. I definitely hooked
up with multiple people while roommates were asleep, as many
people in college did, of course. Yeah, but this particular instance,
anyone at any moment could have walked into the date
room and it was like very busy, very loud, kind

(21:07):
of outside, and I kind of got it in and
said bye bye and then went to my bed.

Speaker 1 (21:12):
You know what, good for you. But it's a little.

Speaker 2 (21:16):
Messy of being like they are like sixty five other girls.
Anyone at any time could kind of be walking in.
It's a little it was a little kinky, public, formy grady,
but yeah, that's I do.

Speaker 1 (21:29):
Know those rooms though we had in my dorm at NYU.
I forget I was at uh what dorm. There's twenty
fifth Street. I think it's the dorm. Uh, anyways, there was.
It's a smaller dorm, but there is like a wreck
room quote that's like a part of the building, but
like you have to go into a separate like entrance situation.
I've definitely got fucked a couple of times in that

(21:51):
room because.

Speaker 2 (21:52):
My roommate was in the room sleeping where where else
where else.

Speaker 1 (21:57):
This beautiful record.

Speaker 2 (21:58):
I am not finished with my story because a few
years later, I after college, I was working at a
nonprofit in San Francisco doing like after school programming for
at risk youth and we were like a fundraising event
and who fucking walks up but Grimey Grady, and Grimey
Grady walks up. He goes, Hi, I'm Grady, and I

(22:19):
literally gave him a look like I was like, I
was like, yeah, Danielle, you really don't remember, like you
don't remember. And then genuinely Britton, he did not remember me,
this fucking dick wad. And then a few hours later
I happened to get in the same circle of him.
I was like, oh God, this is so uncomfortable. I

(22:40):
really don't want to be talking to this dude. And
then all of a sudden we're chatting and I see
his eyes click that he remembers that boned in the
floor of the front day room of my sorority of
my sorority house, and he all of a sudden got
super embarrassed and he's like, oh, I know who you are,

(23:01):
and oh.

Speaker 1 (23:02):
Yeah, yeah, you know who I am. That's always funny
to me when people don't remember, Like, listen, there are
there's a lot of boys in Los Angeles, and so
sometimes you'd be like you look familiar, and I don't
know why, but I've started to go. I assume that
we slept with each other.

Speaker 2 (23:20):
That's just the baseline.

Speaker 1 (23:22):
If you look familiar. I'm gonna assume that we had
some kind of thing until I decide that it's something else.
So I'm gonna I'm gonna approach this with love and
compassion and like, hey, oh my gosh clicks the other way.
So that's my advice. My advice is to assume that
you slept with them and treat them kindly, and then
you'll click and be like, oh, I don't actually know them.

Speaker 2 (23:40):
Addle I think is that if you assume that maybe
it's even a little flirty and they're like, whoa do
they want to?

Speaker 1 (23:49):
Well, that would be actually operated like you, you do
the flirtiness and then you end up hooking up and
you think it's a second time, and then you discover no,
this is actually your first time hooking up, and you're like, oh,
I thought I knew You're already know whatever it everyone
everyone's everyone still comes and that's all that matters, you know.

(24:12):
That's how means it means it's time for messy mail.
Would you like to do some mess mail? Beautiful? Okay?
As always, your submissions remain anonymous. One of your submissions
will be my messy pick for a messy key key,
which is a more in depth convo with d B.
All right, This first one says, oh sometimes I like
I picked these, but then I forget that. Then I

(24:35):
read them, I'm like, oh my god. This one says,
my partner tape my come soaked underwear in my mouth
and then fucked come into me. Praise hands emoji. Wow,
what do you feel? Have you one? Have you ever
had this happen to you?

Speaker 2 (24:51):
That's I have.

Speaker 1 (24:53):
Not personally experienced it, but it did sound very sexy.
But also, like, I don't know how you begin that conversation.

Speaker 2 (25:00):
Of you wanting to have your partner do that.

Speaker 1 (25:02):
Well, yeah, like I'm gonna soak my underwear and come
and then you're going to grab tape and put it
in my mouth and tape my mouth and gag then
with it, dag me with it, and then you're gonna
fuck me. Like it's so creative to me.

Speaker 2 (25:14):
I'm kind of intrigue, right, I think, like, yeah, I
mean I think that there are definitely many people who
have done this. Soon You're not alone. Let's just say
that a lot of people are kinky and love come
soaked underwear. A lot of people buy it on the internet.
In fact, they do.

Speaker 1 (25:32):
We've had I've had some people talk about people them
selling their come soaked underwear or socks or whatnot.

Speaker 2 (25:37):
I understand. I think that fluids are very interesting to people.
So is the question how do we get someone to
be open to doing this?

Speaker 1 (25:47):
I don't know. I mean, it was just it was
a submission and more so like I'm curious one for me.
I don't know if I'd want my come soaked underwear
in my mouth, like I would rather it be my
partners come soaked underwear. They taped my mouth, Yeah, as
opposed to my own com Do your meds.

Speaker 2 (26:03):
Feel more dirty to you than your partners?

Speaker 1 (26:06):
Interesting? So my boyfriend, uh, he cannot stand his own
com like oh not into it, like you know, like
he'll shoot a big load and then it's like I
immediately need to like clean off because he's like, uh
he wants to throw up. He can't see his on
cop fine with my cum, but hiss come, He's like
I can't handle. For me, I don't mind my own
com but I guess I'm like not trying to put

(26:29):
it in my mouth, but I'm not opposed to it.

Speaker 2 (26:32):
To me, the kind of issue here and doesn't lie
with the comm It's more of the undies. I think, like,
oh me, like, I don't know. I think because like
for for my vulva, thinking of like other discharge and
kind of other things that end up in the underwear
that I'm just not personally interested in having in my mouth.

(26:54):
But I do like the idea of yeah, coming inside
the mouth and then potentially maybe a little transfer. Maybe
that's something that it has the same effect but maybe
doesn't have the the other fluids on the undies.

Speaker 1 (27:07):
Yeah, either way. I what I like about this is
how kind of primal it is, something still like sexy
and ravenous. Uh, they're hungry. Yeah, there's something also quite
free about that, Like like like the couple or the

(27:28):
partners who decide to tape comes to underwear in their
mouth and then like breed each other.

Speaker 2 (27:33):
That's a couple that like they're not afraid. They're Yeah,
we should learn we should learn from them. We should
learn their excitement and their zest.

Speaker 1 (27:46):
Their de vive is Yeah, look at that. See how
is classy? I don't care what y'all say.

Speaker 2 (27:56):
Okay.

Speaker 1 (27:56):
This one says around once a month, I block my
ex on IG and report all of his pictures and
to be honest, healing, Oh.

Speaker 2 (28:05):
My, okay, that is fucking hilarious. I support this wholeheartedly.

Speaker 1 (28:10):
I honestly support it as well. I mean, I I
just love how we are. You know, we're using mental
health language a moment where it's like.

Speaker 2 (28:20):
Okay, but I mean, do we gotta do? I think, like,
you know, we have to assume that you know, there's
a lot of Grammy Grady's in this world, so I
don't know what this X has done, potentially something not great,
and so if you know, harmless, report to i G.
Like usually i G doesn't give a shit about the.

Speaker 1 (28:41):
Yeah, they don't really, you know, Yeah, it's kind of
to me, it's it's it's quite funny. I think we
are assuming the ex is terrible, and you must we
must assume the ex is terrible, and so to me,
it's quite a harmless and funny way to do it.
Somebody said, I think we read this on the show
where somebody had bought their boyfriend's like website domainers their

(29:05):
exits website domain and and did all things which I think.

Speaker 2 (29:08):
Is also you're thinking two steps ahead.

Speaker 1 (29:10):
I love, I just I do what I appreciate about
things like this is like I out of sight, out
of mind kind of vibes like I'm a tourist. Like
once once you're dead to me, your dead to me.
So I just don't have the wherewithal to remember, time
to unblock.

Speaker 2 (29:26):
Like I'm booked and busy. I don't busy.

Speaker 1 (29:29):
I want to the next. But I really respect the petty.
I listen, I respect the petty to block him and
and and report always. This one says, I like pushing
out loads from my hole and smelling them on toilet paper.

Speaker 2 (29:43):
WHOA, I wonder what they I wish they said what
they smelled like.

Speaker 1 (29:47):
I so, okay, so I can tell you it doesn't
really smell like anything, at least when I've done it,
because it's not that I like to do this, but
I am curious, so I've doubled. So I'm like, yeah,
if I'm pushing out a load, what what is it all?

Speaker 2 (30:03):
Small?

Speaker 1 (30:03):
Like it's for science, it's just everyone. It's for researchers.
For science. You gotta understand. And I don't think I'm
you know, deb I'm gonna I'm gonna do this again
this week and then I'll report back. But I don't
remember it smelling like much of anything, but it is
kind of hot. I do think it is hot.

Speaker 2 (30:21):
To just engage with it. Do you touch it? Do
you kind of treat it like a science experiment? What's
going on? Sure?

Speaker 1 (30:26):
I mean now for me, now, I just like I'll
just push it out into the toilet and then I'll
text you know, whoever's load that is, like, Wow, that
was such a big load, which I think is so hot.
I love when I received that text, Wow, you came
so much. When somebody pushes out, So that's what I do.
I like to see it floating in the toilet and then,
you know, flesh like.

Speaker 2 (30:41):
A competitive nature to who can kind of push out
the biggest load or what's the what's the feeling?

Speaker 1 (30:47):
I feel like that it's not competing who because the
load is as big as the person gives to you. Sure,
So it's more so like, oh, I love how much
you came in me. You read me because of you. Yes,
I'm so full of you and your babies that will never,
you know, I'll never.

Speaker 2 (31:04):
They're gone down the drain.

Speaker 1 (31:05):
They're going down the drain. Also, you put them in
the process there there's nothing happening there. So it's more
so like that. It's more so like oh wow, like
I I took that load, and like there's evidence that
I took that load.

Speaker 2 (31:16):
Right, It's kind of a kinky like power. There's something
going on there of like I'm I am being not
like you know, like influenced by you or some something.
We're sharing this thing.

Speaker 1 (31:29):
I like, I always talk about it as like Arsula
taking Ariel's voice. Oh, not in a bad because I
realized that that Arsla was a villain. Sure, but just
like the power of like receiving someone's load or taking
that load and being like, oh I now have Like
sometimes I think that people will position bottoms as weak,

(31:51):
especially outside of the community. People talk about you know,
specifical let's talk about gay men taking or male body
taking dick as like some kind of weakness. It's like, no,
it's really you know, it's really powerful to take a dick.
Like you don't take a dick easily in a booty hall.
So shout out to everyone who puts dick in their
booty hall.

Speaker 3 (32:11):
A lot of practice at a lot of breathing a
lot of preparation, and do you want to ride that
thing for you know, more than ten minutes, Which if
you can ride for ten minutes, power to you.

Speaker 1 (32:21):
But like those of us who are riding it for
twenty thirty, forty fifty, you know, taking dick after dick.
That that's baby.

Speaker 2 (32:28):
Deserve a prize.

Speaker 1 (32:30):
I deserve a prize. Consider that load my gold medals.
Yes it's me. You know, I will never be you know,
Simone Biles or any of these gymnasts. But the closest
I can get to it is.

Speaker 2 (32:44):
It's like the drip.

Speaker 1 (32:46):
Yes, I'm the drip kid that has happened where Okay,
so this is something mes see I have Like I
will sometimes go to will hook up without underwear, sure,
because I don't like my dick to be constrained. But
if I know that I'm bottoming, I will have underwear

(33:08):
in my bag to put on because I have had
sometimes where you're like, oh, after you get sucked, you know,
there's a lot of air, so like you know, and
I've had a moment where I've gone and I thought
it was just a simple like you know, air fart,
and it was my My sweats are covered in somebody's load, right,
and and so now I wear underwear.

Speaker 2 (33:28):
Can because you've learned learned.

Speaker 1 (33:31):
I've learned that after the hook up, put on some
underwear or just don't. Don't let yourself let out that
air bubble because it might not be an air bubble.

Speaker 2 (33:38):
You're leveling up here in your experiences. You're making those
more fun, they're more fresh, they're feeling better for you.
You're taking care of your body. This is all things
to be celebrated.

Speaker 1 (33:49):
Absolutely. I think that you know knowing, knowing how your
body operates and what you need to feel your sexiest,
both before, during, and especially after everything critical, all right,
this one is my messy pick. So this one says,

(34:10):
my partner wants to introduce toys into sex and ask
what I might like. But I barely use toys on
my own. To be honest, I don't really even masturbate.
I'm not sure why. And I know you always talk
about exploring with yourself so you could know what you like,
but I get so overwhelmed. How and where do I begin?

Speaker 2 (34:30):
I love this question so much, great question. I love it. Also, Yeah,
thank you for being vulnerable and sharing that you don't
necessarily feel comfortable or confident with masturbation. I think this
is a very common occurrence, especially in the US with
our crap sex ed that we all had growing up,
and so many people who grew up in religious households

(34:51):
definitely feel like masturbation is sinful. They've heard a lot
of things that aren't true about masturbation, and so I'm
here to say that masturbation is healthy and are health
benefits for you, and it just feels fucking good, So
that's why we should do it. It's kind of simple
as that, depending on if you have a volva or
if you have a penis, or you're interested in anal toys, Like,

(35:12):
there's so many different kinds of toys. But I do
think that there are kind of three major questions that I,
as a sex educator, like to ask to make sure
people feel comfortable buying the toy that they want to buy.
One is like what is your price point? There are
like some twenty dollars like bullets out there that I
could recommend versus like a two hundred and fifty dollars
like state of the art kind of insertible that has

(35:33):
all these different settings, Like what are you looking for?
Then the second question is what kind of material do
you like? Do you want it to vibrate? Do you
want medical grade silicone? Do you like glass? Like putting
it in the freezer and getting a cold before you start, right, Like, Yeah,
there are so many different kinds of materials and it
really just depends on like what you like on your
body or inside your body. And the third question is

(35:56):
do you like internal stimulation, extra external stimulation or both?
Like are you looking for nipple clamps that specifically or
for your nipples or do you want anal beads or
are you specifically wanting you know, if you have a
volva something that inserts so you get g spot and
like interior clitteral stimulation as well as exterior clitteral stimulation.
So like thinking through all those things.

Speaker 1 (36:18):
Can I repeat all that? So you're saying price point
is the first thing, whether we want twenty dollars or
two fifty. The second part is what do you want
it to feel? Like? Yeah, like material material, so whether
we're talking about silicone or glass or something it feels fleshy.
And then the last question.

Speaker 2 (36:34):
Is about what kind of stimulation you want?

Speaker 1 (36:37):
What kind of simulation external, internal, or both? Yes, I
love that breakdown. That's really that's really a way to
make this a little easier and less overwhelming.

Speaker 2 (36:46):
Yeah right, And something that a really great educator once
said to me many years ago on my podcast. His
name is Andy Durant, and he was a director at
Good Vibrations in the Bay for a long time, a
really well known sex stoor that is here since the
seventy He says, this isn't going to be your your
last sex toy that you buy. This is going to
be your first sex toy that you buy. Wow. Yes,

(37:08):
very powerful to be able to think of, like take
the pressure off. There are so many different things that
you can buy to make yourself feel good, and this
won't be the last. Like, this is very much an
experiment and for you to be thinking through, Okay, what
does feel good for me? How do I want to come?
What exactly do I want in order to experiment with

(37:28):
myself and with my part? Doesn't it doesn't have to
be perfect, It doesn't have to be perfect. Yes, so
I think, like in order to figure out even backing
up before we continue with sex toys, this person is saying,
you know, I'm not even really comfortable figuring out what
I like to masturbate, Yeah, and I think like really
thinking about what turns you on and like getting in

(37:52):
touch with your body. You can literally just take like
a five minute session and lay on your bed and
like slowly just rub your finger over your body, slowly
rub them over your genitals and see what thoughts come
to mind as to like, yeah, movies that you've watched,
or porn that you've watched, or you know, erotica that
you've read, right, Like, there's so many different ways that

(38:14):
we can turn ourselves on, and the chances are there
is something that you're intrigued about if you do feel
that sexual sensation. Obviously it can be a different conversation
if we're talking about folks who are on the asexual spectrum. Sure,
But if you're someone who's writing in who's saying, like,
I'm interested in masturbation and I do get turned on,
I'm just not sure how to parse out what that is.

(38:36):
It has to start with you considering what potentially turns
me on, and how can I continue to think about
that and match that experience with touching myself with my
hands or with a toy or having my partner help out.

Speaker 1 (38:52):
I have two things one I would like to offer
an addition as to what you just said, which is
I've been using this acronym. I'm working on my stage show,
which is which I'm doing in New York at the
end of the year called ho Church, and so I've
been writing it's about my journey of sexual liberation. And
so one of the parts that I talk about is
how to identify your turn ons, because the most common

(39:14):
thing that I've come up against or experienced in doing
the show and in talking about sex is people not
knowing what they're turn on beyond like I want and
I'm like ah, and what else say more? And so
the acronym that I use is bema, which I believe
I'm saying that word right because that word also means

(39:34):
kind of like an orator, pulpit. We see it, I
believe in synagogues as well. But body environment, mood accoutrements.
So like what parts of your body do you like?
As you said, like is it rubbing your fingers over
your your arms or around your genitals, kiss on your lips?
Your environment like where are you having sex? Is the bedroom?
Is it the kitchen? Is it? You know? For my

(39:55):
gaze in the alleyway, what's the mood? Do you need
a playlist, scented candle? And then your accouterments like do
you want a toy? Do you want you know, blindfolds
as a way to break it down. But then even
before that, and I would love to break this down
with you, I'm curious about how do I phrase this
the person who maybe is wrapped in shame, yes, unconsciously perhaps,

(40:22):
And so that's what's stopping them from even being able
to identify what their turn ons are because they're still
not sure it's okay to masturbate. And how do you
begin to pull at the threads of that.

Speaker 2 (40:38):
Yeah, it's such a great question, and I think there
are so many resources and professionals out there that can
help people parse through what that feels like. Because if
you think about how long I've been on this planet
for thirty two years, right, So if I grew up
in a religious household and my sex ad was garbage,
and I was taught that masturbation was inappropriate for twenty

(41:00):
years of my life, right, for thirty years of my life,
think about how long it would take to unlearn some
of that shame, right, Like, hopefully it doesn't take thirty years.
But for many people, it's kind of this piece by piece,
layer by layer pullback of like the little Wins, and like,
you know, we're not even talking about folks who have
been you know, sexually harassed and sexually assaulted and have

(41:22):
gone through trauma, Like trauma really impacts our ability to
feel comfortable with our sexuality and with our bodies and
with our partners. And so this is a multi layered thing.
And so I want to say, number one, give yourself
patience and grace and time, because you are not alone.
Most people, especially most people in the US, have some

(41:43):
sort of experience like this where they feel uncomfortable thinking
about masturbation, talking about it. You know, we don't talk
about this with our friends. We don't talk about it
with our partner. Usually, Like people who I've even spoken
with who are quote unquote sex positive have told me
that they still face orgasms with their partner because they
don't know how to talk to them about it. Right,
It's just like it is so much more common than

(42:06):
we think, And so patients grace and really understanding that,
like this is something that has to happen day by day.
And like the final piece here that I want to
say is like there are experts out there who can help,
Like you know Emily Nagoski, doctor Emily degaskis on your show.
I love her so much. Like she wrote a book

(42:26):
called Come as You Are and Come Together, and like
there are so many other amazing researchers and sexologists and
doctors out there who you know, have interesting information to
share about like what is going on with us psychologically
and how can we start to unlearn these things? And
therapists and sex therapists are amazing resources who we can

(42:47):
go to and say, this is an issue that I
actually want to work through and improve in order for
you to get to that zone where then you're thinking
about what's my environment looking like, what are my accessories?

Speaker 1 (42:59):
What?

Speaker 2 (42:59):
You know? It's kind of like it's a flowing kind
of thing. It's not a step ladder, because there are
so many different ways that our journey can take us
when we're thinking about our exploration with ourselves and with
our pleasure.

Speaker 1 (43:13):
Yeah, I actually want You've said so many beautiful things,
and I want to I want to what's the word
I want to be on your I want to like
high five aspectually, use the sports anology and I was like, gro,
you don't play sports, but you know I want to.
I want to do something, which is to say that
I think that when you're talking about therapists, especially like
a sex therapist or going to a therapist about you know,

(43:35):
masturbation or your sex, sometimes can feel perhaps like oh,
but there are better ways for me to spend my
money or my time. And I actually think that, you know,
learning about your body and your pleasure will free you
up in so many other ways, Like if you invest
in finding those resources, whether it's a sex therapist or

(43:56):
reading these books or finding somebody's podcast, that investment is
you will see that you're gonna start by talking about sex,
what you end up doing is liberating yourself as a whole.
I always say, like from the dark room to the boardroom, right,
Like the person who understands how to show up for
themselves and advocate for themselves in their bedroom in the
dark room knows how to manage that boardroom as well,

(44:20):
because there is something about sex that I don't think
we talk about enough mainstream wise, and like how it
is the perhaps the holder of all of your chains.
In some ways, I might argue, yeah, that a lot
of your because because it's about your identity, right, Like
I can't talk about sex without talking about your race,

(44:41):
your gender, your class, your religion, like all of those
things influence how you show up to the bedroom, which
is why this show centers around women and queer folks
because you know, of all the groups, our groups rarely
ever are allowed to talk about sex with pleasure at
the at the center of it. So all that to say,
I would encourage anyone who is trying to figure out

(45:03):
about their masturbation to invest the time. Yes, but it
is worth it to find that sex therapist or those
resources that it is worth it to say, oh, because
I think people it's easy for people to write off
sex is like okay, yeah, like I don't know about that,
but like whatever, there are bigger, more pressing things, and
I think that if you can actually tackle that, it
will unlock everything else that you're trying to tackle. Does

(45:26):
that make sense.

Speaker 2 (45:27):
You are speaking my language. Can I briefly tell you
about a masturbation experiment that I did?

Speaker 1 (45:32):
Yes? Yeah, yeah, oh my god, absolutely.

Speaker 2 (45:41):
Okay. So one of my amazing sponsors is the Magic
wand the Classic Like most nicomic magic wond the Magic
Wand yes, I've been working with them for years because
you know, sex d with dB is very much all
about pleasure and very much all about making sure people
know about their bodies and their health. And I went
to them and I pose this three week masturbation experiment

(46:03):
where the first week was abstinence week, so no sexual
activity whatsoever. The second week was treatment week using the
Magic wand once a day every day for seven days.
And the third week was regular week where sex by
myself and or with my partner with and without the
Magic wand sex as usual. And I did this experiment
about a year and a half ago, and the results

(46:23):
were unbelievable, Like my confidence increased nineteen percent from abstinence
week through treatment week. I've reported better moods, less stress,
less anxiety during the Magic Wand week, i got hornier
over time instead of less horny. Like I hypothesized, Wow,
fascinating results that I had. And I went back to
Magic Wand again and said, let's do this for real,

(46:45):
this time with a lead researcher. And we recruited doctor
Candice Nicole Hargin's an amazing black woman who is this
sexuality professor who has dozens of research studies under her belt,
and she and I co led a research study that
we are doing right now with a thousand people doing
similar a similar experiment to what I did with me

(47:08):
and my team designed and the results will be out
this summer and I'm so excited about it, and to
just finish really quickly on what you said when you
unlock the sexual pleasure piece, I also found this that
it unlocked everything else for me, Like once I got
my sleep in order, relationship connectivity with my partner, once
my stress was down, and once my sexual pleasure was there,

(47:30):
I was a happy whole person and it was incredible.

Speaker 1 (47:34):
That is two. I have many questions that which is one.
I think that's because it is the sex, especially in
the US, is where we carry so much shame and
so much you know, guilt and hiding, and so if
you learn how to talk about that thing freely, then

(47:55):
everything else becomes less scary and you're like, okay, yeah,
let me do with this family ship right now, right.
But my question for you is what do you hYP
I know you'll get the research out and we'll definitely
have to do a follow up, but what do you
hypothesize is the reason for that increase and confidence and
horniness based off of the structure of we start with
abstinence treatment regular, Yeah, like what is that doing psychologically

(48:19):
to allow the increase?

Speaker 2 (48:20):
So my idea was that like, because treatment week was
in the middle of the three weeks, that there would
maybe be latent impact to regular week. And so I
think like for me, I kind of assumed that, oh,
like you know, there were many hypotheses that I had,
which one of them was like, oh, that I would
decrease in horniness over time because I would be forcing

(48:43):
myself every day to masturbate when I'm not in the mood.
And it really just showed that like excitement and feeling
like good in my body and like happy and getting
that the orgasm and having those endorphins, and that that
increase in those chemicals and those brain chemicals, those positive
of brain chemicals, that that kind of fell into me

(49:04):
being a more confident, less stressed, happier person and like
this horniness begets horniness thing of like people who write
into me and you saying how do I get my
libido back? And it's like, well, are you trying anything?
And they're like, you know, no, It's like Okay, let's
just get into a rhythm here.

Speaker 1 (49:23):
Yeah, let's just turn the car on. Just turn the
car on.

Speaker 2 (49:27):
And that's where sex toys can really be, like like
you said, liberating for people because they are like accessible
to people. They're inclusive, like for folks with disabilities, they
can use sex toys in order for them to have
pleasure and potentially reach orgasm. Like there are so many
great things about sex toys that we really don't talk
about because it's such a shameful thing for people, right,

(49:49):
But I really do see it as like a gateway
to happiness for people.

Speaker 1 (49:53):
I love that. What do you uh for this person?
What's like Let's let me ask you like basics, like
for a penis owner and for a Volva owner, what
are like the basic like beginning, like would you say
start with the magic Wand.

Speaker 2 (50:10):
Because I fucking love it. It's one of my favorite
toys of all time personally, I.

Speaker 1 (50:13):
Mean it's it's it's one of the highest rated toys
for a reason.

Speaker 2 (50:18):
It's been abound for over fifty years. Like it's kind
of synonymous with like the women's rights movement in the seventies,
and so yeah, I think, I do think, and it's
interesting because like I'm all up in Reddit and like
I'm checking out what people think of the Magic Wand
and read it and people assume that it's just for
people with volva's but a lot of penis owners love
the Magic Wand. Really, yes, I think like the because

(50:39):
the vibration of the Magic Wand is so different from
so many other sex toys. I think, yeah, is what
is exciting for penis owners. And I think that they
play with it on the head of the penis. There's
so many nerve endings obviously on the head. I think
they run it on the shaft. I think that they're
able to kind of also put it on other parts
of their body that want to.

Speaker 1 (51:01):
I thought it was exclusively for vulva owners, so I'd
love to hear that you know, it can be used
for penis owners as well. I would love to try.

Speaker 2 (51:08):
I'll definitely send you on don't worry and yeah, they're
just there are just so many things obviously that you
can you can do with it, Like you know, people
definitely legitimately use it for their like muscles, like their
leg muscles and back muscles as a back massager for that.

(51:28):
But yeah, for vulva owners too, like you know, you
don't have it's so large that you don't have to
press that hard, and so it covers a really large
surface area. And so yeah, I personally think the Magic
Wand is great for for all parts. But yeah, I
think I would recommend, especially if you do have a
vulva to start with, and if you like kind of

(51:51):
like broad stimulation that feels like you like the pressure,
definitely I would start with the Magic Wand. But if
you're some one who feels really intimidated by the Magic
Wand and you're someone who would rather start with a
smaller kind of accessory or toy, I do think that

(52:11):
something that fits in your palm, like Dame Products does.
Like the palm where like you can hump it, you
can kind of put it in different areas of your vulva.
I think that's a really good thing for vulva owners.
What do you have any like penis owner suggestions for toys?

Speaker 1 (52:26):
This is this is like I want to like partner
with a sex toy company because I have not found
a toy that I love for my penis. Right, yeah,
like a stroker or like a stroker or like the
flesh lights rights or.

Speaker 2 (52:44):
None of them vibrating.

Speaker 1 (52:47):
Yeah, like it's none of that's your favorite thing. Nothing
has been my favorite. And listen, I you know, as
you can imagine, I get sent things I have like
a chest of toys and anything that I'm I'm inspired by,
I enjoy my. I enjoy my like anal stimulation kind
of thing, so my dildos or I really want a
fuck machine quite honestly love it. Well, I would die

(53:08):
for that. But I haven't found anything for my penis
per se that I'm like obsessed with, which is why
I would really be excited to try the magical wand
and see if that is a is a vibe.

Speaker 2 (53:21):
But to I do? I agree with you. That's why
I kind of ask you because I've never really heard
a penis owner be like this is like exactly the
kind of toy that I want, And I think, like, yeah, yeah,
toys are just more marketed, I think in gen other
than flashlights. I think toys are just more marketed to
people with volvas now like currently or it's kind of

(53:41):
like a yeah, like a sex doll or you know something, yes, yeah,
like a monster cock thing where those these kind of
interesting different toys. But yeah, We've already talked about this
a million times, like for all body parts, lube, lube, lube,
like lubel, you've got to use lube no matter what
you're doing.

Speaker 1 (53:59):
Well. The last you say this, though, just so I
make sure we answer this is if you want to
include toys with your partner, how do you how do
you begin to talk about what that looks like? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (54:10):
I think the key here is to use your word
as curiosity, So coming to a conversation to your partner,
not in the moment, saying like, hey, I would love
to talk to you about something sexy later tonight. Are
you down, so that they're prepared in a sense, or
you can even say like, hey, I want to if

(54:31):
you want to text them even if they're at work,
or you know what, have you like, Hey, I've been
like doing some research on sex toys and I want
to talk to you about it later tonight. Are you
are you free? You know, like, prepping them so that
if your partner is notoriously not interested in something like that,
or you've never had the conversation, they're able to process that,
not in real time, but prior to the conversation.

Speaker 1 (54:52):
I love that, Yes, And then.

Speaker 2 (54:54):
Say they say yes, right, Like, if they're your partner,
hopefully they're baller and they're like yeah, sure. And if
they say like, oh, you know, maybe they're like hmm, okay,
they might be nervous, right, which is totally okay. You
can even name that, like, hey, if this makes you nervous,
I'm a little nervous too, it's okay.

Speaker 1 (55:11):
You know.

Speaker 2 (55:12):
Communicating over communicating can always be great. Then when we
get in the moment, you know, maybe you're you're coming
with some ideas. You're not you're not just saying like, oh,
like in general, what do you think about sex? Boys,
Maybe you're like, hey, I love it when you when
you kiss me on my neck and then when you
play with my nipples. I found this thing that maybe
allows us to play in a different way. What do

(55:34):
you think about this? Like, you know, let them focus
in on one thing in particular, so that they're not
overthinking things and feeling overwhelmed. So if maybe it's like
you start with one toy, right, and then you kind
of see what they say. Now if they respond again,
if they're your partner, hopefully they say let's fucking do it. Actually,

(55:54):
one's already on the way, right, Like, maybe they have
the same idea as you. Hopefully they say like, I'm
down because your pleasure is my pleasure, right Like, we
want to be dating people and partnered with people where
our pleasure is their pleasure and vice versa. If that
is the dynamic that we have set up with them,
and if they say, you know, I'm not really interested
in that, right, Like, I don't want to do that.

(56:16):
I think it is important for the person to be
curious and say like, Okay, I respect that, I understand.
I'd love to figure out what's going on for you
on the back end here. I would love to hear
what you're thinking. Like, let's allow them to have their
moment of process and respect that and also for us

(56:37):
to dig a little bit into Is this because they
are ashamed? Is this because they, you know, are uncomfortable
with the idea of using a toy? Is this because
you know there's this horrible kind of idea where certainly
it can be all genders, but I feel like in general,
the stereotype is that men think that women using sex

(56:59):
toys is cheating on them, right Like, so like, is
that kind of myth that we need to be busted.

Speaker 1 (57:05):
Why don't conscious right, those unconscious beliefs that we're indoctrinated
with that still playing.

Speaker 2 (57:09):
Inside of the shame that we have about this, the
control that we want to have on other people. Yes,
and so what's going on for that person? And so
once they and maybe they don't know, listen, maybe they're
not sure.

Speaker 1 (57:22):
Yeah, And if.

Speaker 2 (57:23):
They don't know, you can say that's totally okay. Let's
talk about this in a week, Like I want to
give you the time and the space to be able
to talk about this and think about it, and let's
revisit it because and you can say, why this is
really important to me. I'm really interested in exploring this
with you. I think this would be a lot of fun.
And if we don't like it, we can stop. And

(57:44):
so respectful, yeah, transparent, communicative, allowing them to process their feelings.
And then you see where that goes.

Speaker 1 (57:51):
I love that because ultimately it goes back to everything
you've said, which is the patience of it. It's like,
we don't have to get to ten right now, right
to respect that there's a journey here and so giving
each other time and space to go on the journey.
And if we're partners we're going on this journey together,
and we're not always going to be aligned always. But

(58:11):
your partner might need a little bit more time to
catch up to you, or you might need more time
to catch up to them. And so this willingness to
come to each other curiously and compassionately, right, it's not
like well, it's just like no anger, It's curiosity. I
want to know more, and I want to give you
space to think about something you may and not have
spoken thought about before, exactly because I love.

Speaker 2 (58:32):
That we're only human and we are only able to
understand things from the messages that we have received, right,
Like if we receive things that say sex toys are
weird and they are not appropriate, or I don't want
to use these kinds because of X, Y and Z,
or if you're homophobic and you're like, I don't want
to use an anal toy. Like, there's so many things

(58:52):
that we are having to unlearn that we need to
have patience with each other and with ourselves.

Speaker 1 (58:59):
I love that dB, before we go, one of the
other things that we want to talk about was just
a little hokeeping about abortion pills versus plan B. Yes,
so will you because you know we are an educational
pod here, so I do and you have the knowledge,
so will you talk to us about that, especially in
the times that we're in. I feel like this information
is incredibly important and valuable, So will you break that

(59:20):
down for us.

Speaker 2 (59:20):
Thank you so much for giving me the airtime on this,
because listen, I am up in my threads account and
people are in the comments very confused whenever I'm kind
of making, you know, threads or tweet whatever about Plan
B versus abortion, and people think that they are one
and the same. And I'm here to tell you Plan
B is not an abortion. I'll repeat that for the

(59:43):
folks in the back. Plan B is not an abortion.
And you might be wondering what's the difference.

Speaker 1 (59:48):
What.

Speaker 2 (59:49):
Let me get some information on these things. So Plan
B TLDR. Plan B prevents pregnancy before it starts. It
prevents a pregnancy, and abortion pills end a pregnancy after
it has begun. So Plan B is prevention and abortion
pills end an existing pregnancy. And so there are a

(01:00:11):
few pieces of information that I just wanted to share
about each of these things. And you know, Plan B
is kind of like the you know, the brand name essentially,
and so it works by stopping or delaying ovulation and
preventing fertilization. But if you're already pregnant, it won't work.
So it only prevents a pregnancy. And it's most effective

(01:00:35):
within seventy two hours. It can be taken up to
five days, and the effectiveness is very high. Within seventy
two hours, it's seventy five to eighty nine percent effective.
And you can buy it on at CBS. You can
buy it on Amazon one day delivery, like if you
are in need of it, highly recommend. If you're listening
to this episode and you have a partner who might

(01:00:56):
get pregnant or you might get pregnant, just stock it
in your mind in cabinet. Just have a Plan B
pill for when you need it, and you don't have
to feel overwhelmed and you know, go crazy and feel
like you need to run to the you know, just
have it and then you're able to take it. And
some side effects are mild and temporary, like nausea, fatigue, headache, spotting,

(01:01:18):
changes in menstruation. But it is safe and reliable. So
that's what I want to say about Plan B and
abortion pills. As I said, end an existing pregnancy. They
use two medications, mif apristone, which stops the pregnancy from growing,
and mesa prostal, which expels the pregnancy from the uterus,
and it's typically effective within the first eleven weeks of pregnancy.

(01:01:40):
Incredibly effective and safe ninety three to ninety eight percent
effective if used within the recommended timeframe, and it does
require a prescription and consultation with a healthcare provider. Some
side effects cramping, heavy bleeding, nausea, fever, chills. The symptoms
are similar to a miscarriage. So I think the reason
why this is so important for me to say on
the show is because, please, especially in the current political landscape,

(01:02:05):
like if we are not operating from the same medically accurate,
non judgmental information. Yeah, and we're making laws about these
things that prohibit women and queer people and people with
uterses from getting the care they need. We as a
community need to be informing each other of what the

(01:02:25):
facts are and where people can get the care that
they need. So yeah, again, really happy to be able
to talk about this on this show. So thank you
for so much letting me have the time.

Speaker 1 (01:02:36):
Absolutely, thank you so much. Yeah, you know, we are
in this together. We are a community, and so this
type of information and education is vital and important. So
thank you for being able to be here and share
it with us.

Speaker 2 (01:02:51):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (01:02:51):
Yeah. Well you know we're hose here, but hose with heart.
So before we go, I want to speak to yours.
I so enjoyed dB. We instantly vibed. We've like never

(01:03:13):
met in person. This is our first time getting to
meet and talk. And I did their podcast, which you
can check out. It's called sex Ed with dB. So
there's some of the things that really stuck out for me.
First of all, picking a toy and the steps to
picking that toy, you know, considering what your price point is,
what you want the material to feel like, and what

(01:03:36):
kind of stimulation do you want internal or external. I
think those are such incredible checkpoints to begin because sex
toys and sex stores can be so overwhelming. I was
just in one a couple of weeks ago, and I
knew what I was looking for, but there was like
only it's like it's like a tune floor store, and
there was like maybe one or two people working, and

(01:03:58):
I was like, if this was my first time here,
I would be overwhelmed. I like Loki have a fantasy
of starting a sex toys store that's like an Apple
store or like a you know where there's just like,
you know, a bunch of a sexual geniuses walking around.
So then you're like welcomed in and they can help,
and it makes it very relatable, very you know, not

(01:04:18):
you know, over stimulating, But anyways, I think that the
price point, material, feeling, and you know what kind of
stimulation are such great checkpoints and will help you kind
of start to whittle things down. Also like nose ask
your bestie, you know what I'm saying, Like, I'm sure
one of the people in your life has a dope toy.
And so at the next brunch, you know, after a

(01:04:39):
little margarita or a little momssa, just be like, y'all
got toys? What toys y'all like it? What toys y'all
vibing with? What? Literally, what toys y'all vibing with? Also,
going to a sex toy store with your partner can
maybe feel overwhelming, but go with your best you. My
Besty and I went to called Rough Trade over in

(01:04:59):
Silver here in Los Angeles, uh, and it was so
much fun. We like trying all our different harnesses. We
know picked out a Nu dildo for me. You picked
out a new toy. It was it was the best,
So highly recommend a bestie trip to the Sex Storm. Also,
we talked about learning about your shame so that you

(01:05:19):
can be comfortable masturbating, because even before introducing toys with
your partner, you know, how comfortable are you playing with
yourself by yourself? There's so much to learn, Like, truly,
do not underestimate investing in learning about your body, investing

(01:05:40):
in investigating your body. There's there's so much there beyond
just you know, your turn ons. That's like the surface level.
But I think the curiosity that you can bring to
this really vulnerable space which is the bedroom and your body,
will then extend to other areas in your life and

(01:06:00):
you'll find other places where you're like, well, I wonder
if I could be curious about how I approach work,
how I approach family, how I approach raising kids, how
I approach being in relationship with a romantic partner, how
I approach being in relationship with my friends. It just
gives you that muscle that you get to kind of
flex and build and get stronger. So I cannot recommend

(01:06:24):
enough that if you are uncomfortable with masturbation, you know,
talking to a therapist or finding a sex therapist, finding
a sex coach, you know, finding the books, these podcasts,
the resources invest in it, invest in investigating what else. Well, Yeah,
your identity is tied to your sex so much of

(01:06:46):
who we are, you know. I said this to somebody
and they were surprised by it. I'm sure I've said
it on the shore already, but they were so surprised
by it that I was like, Oh, I mean, I'm
going to say this more often, that your sex activates
all all of the labels of your identity. I do
not believe that you can talk about sex without talking
about your cultural background, without talking about your religious upbringing,

(01:07:10):
without talking about you know, your class, without talking about
your gender, you know, without talking of course, without talking
about your sexual orientation. All these things impact how you
do or don't show up for yourself in the bedroom.
All of those things sor right by the way, I'm recording,

(01:07:32):
I'm in New York right now as I'm recording this,
because I'm doing home church. So if you hear motherfucking
sirens and hawking horns in the background, as because it's
New York babe. Anyways, all of those things, all of
those pieces of our identity show up in sex, show
up in how we enjoy or don't enjoy sex, what

(01:07:55):
makes us curious or afraid of sex? All of all
of that stuff, the labels of our identity are impacted.
So that's why I also say it's important to invest
in investigating, because you're gonna learn so much more than
just what toys you want or how to masturbate. You're

(01:08:15):
going to learn about who you are. Now. That three
week masturbation experiment was so fascinating and I can't wait
to follow up with dB the abstinence a week, the
treatment week with the magic wand once a day, and
then the regular week of sex with yourself or with
a partner as usual. I don't know, it's such a
I'm curious about doing this for myself, and I wonder

(01:08:37):
if y'all will do it for yourself. I don't have
the magic wand yet, but you know, with whatever toy
that you like, that that idea that you know, in
order to get over that hump of fear or get
over that hump of not knowing, maybe build yourself a
little strategy, a little like intentional. Oh, I'm going to
intentionally abstain from any time of sexual play, and then

(01:08:59):
I'm going to intentionally engage daily for however long that is,
whether you give yourself five minutes or you give yourself
twenty minutes, you give yourself for an hour, whatever it is.
But to be intentional about you know, I'm going to
investigate this and then being intentional about you know, will
I now have sex with my partner or you know,
without the toy, with the toy, I think it's I

(01:09:19):
think there's so much to learn there and I'm really
excited to hear what dB learns from that research. Captflieve
You've got a thousand people to try this out. That's
so exciting because also I don't know how much you
know depending on how much you are plugged into the
sex space. Getting funding for any kind of sexual research
is really difficult because societally and culturally we don't value it.

(01:09:42):
And so that's why a lot of the sex research
we have one skews towards penis owners and skews towards
white cisgender folks. Right, there's not when you start getting
into women trans folks on binary queerness, you know when
you start adding in race, religion, all these other things,
there isn't as much research out there because there isn't

(01:10:07):
as much research in general about sex. But it's certainly
not when we start adding the intersectionality of things, which
is why I'm telling you your sex is tied to
all of those things. And so you know, if if
you know our societies won't fund the research you research,
you find a way to do your own personal research. Yeah.

(01:10:30):
That was yeah, I mean there were so many things,
but those really stuck out. I would love to hear
what suck out for you. So you can always email
me at tell Me Something Messy at gmail dot com.
I love you so much. You can find dB on
Instagram at sex Ed with dB podcast or on TikTok,
Twitter and YouTube. You can also email dB at sex

(01:10:52):
ed with dB at gmail dot com. You can find
me on Instagram as well at branded Kyle Goodman. You
can find our podcast at tell Me Something Messy, and
you can join our community on the Messy Monday's substack.
When you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts, recommendations on sex
and self and so much more. Also, I want to

(01:11:13):
hear from you, so send your topic ideas, your messy stories,
your submissions, your game ideas. To tell Me Something Messy
at gmail dot com. You can also call us at
six sixty nine sixty nine Messy That is six six
nine six ninety six three seven seven nine, Rate, review
and share this podcast with all your HOE and aspiring

(01:11:36):
HOE friends. Really really helps the show out, all right,
Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick
before you make it spit, make sure they eat the kitty,
buffore they beat the kitty before fuckation or succation. Communication.
And in case you haven't heard it yet, today you
are so deeply loved. I love you ye, thank you

(01:11:58):
so much for listening to tell tell Me Something Messy.
If you all enjoyed the show, send the episode to
someone else you might like it. Tell Me Something Messy
was executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly.
Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts
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