Sometimes Love Isn’t Broken, It’s Just Not Enough w/ Devere Rogers

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Talking about relationship, sex and identity always reminds me that
being a human is messy. So I wanted to create
a compassionate space where we could feel less alone and
embrace our message together, the funny, the vulnerable, the cringe,
and even the kink. Because every part of who we
are matters. So don't we shy, Baby, tell me something messy.

(00:21):
Welcome to the show, Messy, Patrice, I'm your messy mom.
Brandon call good man, and you know what that sound means.
It's time for a guess.

Speaker 2 (00:28):
Now.

Speaker 1 (00:28):
While they get situated, we will get our messy. Key
Key started with a whole manifest stow, so repeat after
me a louder in your head. Grant me the serenity
to unpack my shame, the courage to heal, the wisdom
to know that sex is not about penetration, the audacity
to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries, the strength to
not call my ex that fuck boy, fuck girl, or

(00:51):
fuck thing, for it is better to masturbate by myself
in peace than to let someone play in my motherfucking face. Okay,
let the whole mute, he say, Oh Liluvia. All right, y'all,
we've got the brilliant and hilarious de Vere Rogers. You've
seen him in Abbod, Elementary Gray's Anatomy, Crazy Ex Girlfriend,
movies like My Spy or Humph for Jesus, Save your Soul.

(01:14):
He is an actor, a writer, and all around creative
force who brings humor, heart and a little bit of
mess everywhere he goes. Y'all, please help me welcome one
of my favorite humans into our messy living room. Davie
rogers Ki de Vere Dever. This is your third time
on this show. You really are a friend of the

(01:35):
show very much. INSS Cynthia Bay Yeah but yes, absolutely,
well you know how this goes. But I have to
tell you anyway, for the people who are new so
messy mandates things get to be on process. Any thoughts
or opinion shared have the right to shift change of

(01:56):
all today, tomorrow, ten years from now. And if during
the Kiki's I think those two personal unintentionally offense. We
used the safe word pine that's foosball. Oh, that's right.
We never use it because we never had to use football.
We never read to use it, we never ready to

(02:17):
use it it football. But if you do, we'll pause
and we'll pivot and we'll address it and great, you
know the way that we cameras shaken. Absolutely. Shall we
start with the blue breaker? Yes? Do you know what
your favorite blue rigger is? No lick or it liquor

(02:39):
it the one we did it. That's right, that was
a fun one. Yes, So I'll give you a prompt.
You'll tell me if you lick it or if it's
okay spicy margarita lick. Yes, I love a spicy, spicy mark.
I don't like spicy things. It's so good on the palate,
absolutely delicious, a little kit, a little kick. I'm not
a hot saw girlly. I know you are. Of course,

(03:02):
people judge me for not Caribbean. Literally, I didn't get
the stop judging years ago. But it's judgeable, I understand.
So I usually like a little siracha, as I say,
which is a little rough, but it still has flavors
because the difference between spice and flavor, because stuff can
just be hot but not flavorful. And I think that's

(03:22):
a message because it was the word, because stuff can
be hot but not flavorful. Amen, he mess somebody, that's true,
that's true, true, And I do like flavor I don't
like the heat. The heat interrupts for me. A hot
source is like seeds in a grape interrupt for me exactly.

(03:44):
But all of it is a grape, isn't it? Is
it in the Great Family? I think you made that up.
Research what they call it. It's not Anyways, we've established
we like spicy, Yes, we like a spicy margarita. Yes,
not flavorful yeah, okay, great glitter body lotion, yeah, I

(04:06):
couldn't understand why. I don't understand why people do that.
I mean, I guess if you're going for an effect
for a performance. You know, if you're on stage light
great every day life, show up to my apartment in
that and you're not sitting down, turn around. You have
to turn around, you have to stand the absolutely, because
you're not gonna tell me of that on my upholstery.

(04:27):
It's ridiculous. If I see you with glitter body lotion
at Von's or Ralph's, absolutely not the grocery store with glitter,
and you know, because you'll see it all in the
pro wherever she is now. I just want to congratulate you,

(04:50):
quite honestly, because that's but if you come to dinner
with that ship must stand. You must let's be clear
liquor eating in bed, but let's technically it's an inck.
But isn't it so comfy and cozy? It is? I

(05:11):
will say it is very comfy and cozy. I have
not done it in a very long time. Should do it?
It's I mean, but I but I am for like
if someone is cooking you breakfast in bed, now that
now that's a big leg But just like eating my
orange while watching Housewives, I don't know, like no, like no,

(05:32):
I can't no, no because I because also no, because
I get I get involved what I watch TV. So
I get to move and I'm not just like chicken
is going it's going everywhere. I'm just because I'm just
like saying, why would you wear that way? You know,
Like I just I just you know, so I get
very passionate, So I just I can't be that's fair.
But if someone cooks for me and they serve it

(05:53):
on a tray, oh have to serve it on the tray. Look,
you put a little blanket down, a little a little
a little food blanket. Sure, I prefer tray, but a
food bank is fine. I mean, who has a trade
in their house. Do you have a tray in your house? Absolutely,
just in case, just in case someone decides to cook
for me. No, just in case someone decides to cook.

(06:14):
I have it right in my closet in my room. Okay, respect,
I don't have a tray. I want it to be
beautiful though. Now, girl, it's there to serve you your food.
It's not there to be to be gorgeous. A little customer.
Oh my god, you've a dazzling I would love you forever.

(06:38):
I would never get rid of that tray. He absolutely, absolutely. Okay.
Liquor oysters yeah, okay, cool, I'm allergic, so yeah. I
tell people that it's a texture thing for me. Okay,
because the slimy like you can see type. But I
will say a grilled oyster. I had those in New Orleans.

(07:00):
Rich grill oyster is delicious. But just a regular like
slut can't do it. I can't do that. Yeah, okay, grilled,
that's to be grilled, has to be grilled, that's to
be grilled. For me, I'm not as rich as you.

(07:21):
Hot dog, I like a grilled hot dog, okay, yeah,
because is great. Absolutely. I don't hot dogs that much
anymore because you know there. Yeah, but hot dog. It's
so good A boiled hot dog. I can't do as
a kid. Though I love love absolutely, but I like

(07:43):
do you know what, I'll never turn down a pick
and a blanket. I will forever always eat a pig
in a blanket. You know who make it's the best one.
Trader Joe's. They got them in the freezer. Babe. It
has a nice little puff pastry. You put that ship
in the little oven. Hey, when I used to when
I used to happy, I don't have people over it
any words. You know I have one on once when
I used to have people over, that's one of the

(08:05):
things I would get. I would give the history pigs
a blank Okay, we have to go to trade and
get something. Only have picking a blanket at events. Absolutely
coming over to my house, Yeah, I mean absolutely. So
next time I come over, I expect blanket and I
expect my try so I guess we have we have.
We'll serve it on your trip. You couldn't reason I'll

(08:26):
buy them anymore is because I will eat the whole thing.
We're on this side of like it. What's the sauce
you used to dip that's such a valid question because
I'm nasty. I don't I raw dog those sauce just
a noose sauce. Absolute, What kind of sauce would you use?
I mean I like all different times. I usually like

(08:47):
an we love an ketchup is great us, It's fine,
but always absolutely, my god, my goodness. I think can
go on anything. Absolutely. There's some people that are pissed
about that, but it truly is can go on and
you can literally go on anything. Name something you can't
allow you can't. You can dip anything absolutely and it

(09:08):
be fantastic. You know what I like to do when
I do my meal prep. I like to put it
all in a bowl, so the right, yes, yes, and
I like to drizzle it. That's so good, you know what.
I've also do it. Sorry, we'll get to we'll get it, honey.
I like to drizzle because this weakness, wow sounds honey,

(09:28):
it's just the right, honey. Yes, we need a little
bit by cooking. I mean, will start up exactly. I'm
really good at ordering. I've seen you order you were from? Really,
because some people are not order they'll be like, well
what do you shut up? I got it, you know
what I'm saying. But if you want me to cook, lord,

(09:50):
pray liquor in uh, role play in costumes, you know,
uh huh. I think it depends on the person. Okay,
so it's the person, yes, personal, I would. I would,
because I would you play I'm my Barbara Walter's back.

(10:11):
What's in my spirit to say is like I want
to play like Warden inmates. That's my that's my I
think that would be hot for me, like the Warden
by Queen Latifa Warden from Chicago? No Warden? Like is

(10:36):
it like like Warden? Like get over here? Like strip yeah?
Spread them? Okay, I got a check for contrabandy.

Speaker 2 (10:55):
You know, like.

Speaker 1 (11:01):
Oh my god, oh my god. I mean my thing
is that I when I when I can actually do it,
it's fun. But like I'm such a goofball, So like
I you're gonna laugh, I'm gonna laugh every time. I'm
gonna laugh every time she won the game? Shut up,

(11:25):
say no more? Yes phrase? Miss? Do you want to? Yes?
I do? Actually you said yes? And then like I
had water? Because which one did you get? Cherry? Period? Period?
If you have problems, you can email tell me something
messy at gmail dot com. Speaking of which, can you
tell me something messy. You can open that, okay. Okay.

(11:46):
You know how they say, you know, because the pastor
don't want to be doing a sermon, and all they
hear is we don't want to open her. She looks
good too. To tell me something messy. So I'm gonna
give a little story. So tell me something messy. So
I have a messy hot take. Okay, and this is

(12:09):
going to go for our nostalgia girlies. I was going
to take just to see how much a certain ticket was.
The event is Brandy and Monica the boy's mind to
the boy's mind, to we grew up like Brandy and Monica.
You know what I'm saying, Like, oh my god, yeah,
you have to go. I gave the budget of one
hundred and twenty five. I said, you know budget, you know.
I was like, oh my god, yes, it's yes. So

(12:31):
I go to ticket Master. The tickets were seven hundred
and seven dollars and said, hey, hey, Mike, go ahead.
Brandy yet, Monica and again love everything love. I just
can't I want to say now I have I love Brandy,
y'all are everything, But baby, y'all are charging Beyonce price tickets? Yeah,

(12:54):
I don't know what they're going to do. I want
either of them to be like doing like potol and
what is this a war? So I've been on this.
This has been my hot take because everyone's like, it's
Brandy Monica, it's you know, get them all the money.
I give them all the money. But also I'm not
seven hundred, seven hundred, seven hundred I paid. I paid
two hundred and seventy dollars for my Beyonce tickets. I

(13:15):
was in section one hundred. They out charging beyond. They're
out charged the nosebleeds. What's two seventy? The people that
need to see your show aren't coming because of those tickets.
We don't feel like y'all talk to somebody because I
literally and when I tell you, I was gaggedy that
would I could not believe I would have done two
to three hundred. I just like, I just still alive.

(13:37):
But when I saw seven, I said, this is for
one ticket. Now it's the VIP in it. No, it's
just it's just a ticket. And they're not gonna be
dancing or not. No, they're not gonna be dancing. What
do you Monica? Go do her little two step love
My Monica, but she's gonna do a little two step,
you know what I'm saying? Like and then I mean, now,
now I will say the only upside is that Kelly
is hey, you know so so I mean, I want

(14:01):
to show up. If Kelly brings out Beyonce, well then
there's your seven hundred. But I need to make sure
I'm at that show. Do you see what I'm saying
to you? Do you see what I'm saying? Seven hundred
dollars if I know I'm going to get a show
and I can budget for that, sure, Brandy and Monica,
what y'all gonna do, with all due respect and with
all the love in my heart, what y'all gonna do
for seven hundred dollars? What ch'all gonna give me? This

(14:24):
is really hard for me because you know, and I
know it's hard for you because I love no and
I think that's the thing I love, which is why
I I wanted to talk to you about it on
the show I Love them, and to like really give
context of the love before Beyonce, before Oprah. Yep, Brandy
was my like Brandy was every Brandy was my first,

(14:45):
like all the other kids were talking about like in
sync and I was Brandy and then for me it
was also Monica too because from Atlanta. Absolutely so you
know I saw Monica at the Wayfield within Chinese slippers on.
She was, you know, in the community. Oh my god,
those slippers. That's everything. Oh my god. I used to
wait way up for the music video exactly. I would sing,

(15:08):
have you ever like something? Have you ever angel of mind?
Like my come on? You know what I'm saying, PMS
is merited oblige. What's the song? But one of them?
One of them? Yeah, yeah, I'm saying all that. To day,
I will not be in attendance, but if someone wants
to bless me with those seven hundred dollars Brandy and
Monica tickets, I will be there screaming and will have

(15:28):
a great time. Yeahs, beautiful Brandy and Monica ticket. That
will be amazing. Because I can't do it. I want
to and and this is I want to be very clear. Also,
this is not to to not say that they shouldn't
be paid what they're Absolutely, I want to be very
absolutely they're deserving. They're deserving of every red cent that
comes in that absolutely, absolutely, Baby, I can't do I
can't give it. I can't give it, you know what

(15:50):
I'm saying. And because of people saying and I mean,
some people are just like we get it, and some
people are like it's Brandy and Monica like you. And
I'm like, y'all don't understand like when you especially because
they're what you would call legacy. Absolutely do you know
what I'm saying? And so let me say that legacy
is strong. Baby. You know what I'll say this. If
you're gonna give me seven hundred, I'm gonna need an
album right now, joint joint right now. I need to

(16:14):
know that I need. I need the joint album. I
need the room. I need to think that I needed,
not everything. If you give me figurines or you know,
I need I need, I need the Eco system, I
need a theme. I need. They were to give me that,
I would possibly be like, you know what, that's still high,
but yeah, but put that on. They're about to put
you in a car because I know they're going to
give a moment car that after that. I'm firm that

(16:37):
you know what I'm saying. But if I know, you're
just gonna be up in there giving a little too songs, girl,
that was very messy, and I know the people don't
have a lot of gumms. And you you know what
I'm saying, I direct you need your email address? You
know you can direct me to me. That's fine because
also I want to be clear. I'm not saying I
don't love Brandon because i't want to be clean. If

(16:57):
there are people feel this and you're speaking for that,
I just want to make the people that will come
for you, do you want to give them your you
can find me. Please leave me out of it? Should
you do? Some messy man absolutely loves best. This one
says when you start giggling at Googling before you even
read it, I know something. What is it? It's because depending

(17:19):
on who the guest is, we like tone them up
and down. Woman show. It's safe for everybody. Yeah, but
when my best tie comes on, I know we can
go to the gutter till we going to the Let's
go to the gutter, baby. Okay. This weekend I took
thirty five loads in one day. What's the line between
owning your wildest, most hedonistic choices and realizing maybe you

(17:40):
overdid it? Sounds like a book. Oh god, it's a book.
That's a memoir loads dot dot a memoir child journey
in one day, one day, twenty hours. My whole is
tired thing. I ad break in bed. That's like, that's

(18:01):
just a lot of energy. That's a lot of energy.
That's thirty five energies coming into you. Or maybe it's
you know, one person did not thirty five times, because
each load is a different energy. I'm also wondering, can you, like,
are you pushing out the yeah them? Because are you
people like to hold it? Because I want you to

(18:21):
count how many loads? And another way like that, Okay,
thank you? Yeah, yeah like that. So I guess, I'm
I guess, but I'm Here's what I'll say, and maybe
I've said this is that if you keep the loads in,
it really does affect your stomach after it gurgles. So
I'm wondering, how like are you pushing out in between
or are you just holding thirty five loads? And how

(18:43):
are you not leaking? Yeah? You have there is no
way you can't leave, right for thirty five thirty five
of them. Thirty, by the way, is not even a
high number for those who are into this king. Yeah,
if you did well, you did great, great, Maybe you
did the thing, swallow that you took it. But it
is a lot. But sorry, the question worry what is

(19:06):
was a question? But still I'm trying to think if
a baby, I can barely take one I taken like
what I've taken, like a good four or five, real good,
that's great, like really God, that's good. But then after
I'm tender, like, yeah, the whole is tender. It's tender.

(19:28):
It's a little, you know, just a little. Yeah, it's
just a whole, you know what I'm saying. It's not
just a whole. It's not just a whole. It's a
it's a lie, yes, but it's a portal. It's a portal,
this pussy bitch portal. That's the that's the bottom, the

(19:52):
first psy.

Speaker 2 (20:00):
Oh.

Speaker 1 (20:05):
What's the line between owning your wildest and most hedonistic
choices and realizing maybe you overdid it? And the line
is if you think that you overdid it, you over
did it. I think that that's your own sort of
boundary and what you feel, because I feel like, if
that is your king, can you like that? Then I
think do it to your heart's design and your heart's content.
And I feel like if it comes to the point

(20:26):
where after any said amount of load, you just like
your spirit you know, does that? Does that? Grandmama xay,
Like maybe it's time to stop. You know what I'm saying,
Like might come up as shame, Like are you feeling
shame because it's a kink? Yeah, And so I feel
like the first thing is to like, I always feel
like finding other members of your Yeah, good if you

(20:47):
take thirty five lows, well she took sixties. I think
that ultimately, I think it's that you have to feel,
you know, because I think you will know when it's
too much, you know what I'm saying, Like, you'll know
when you're just like all right, okay, you really need
to look at it. But it's like your what's your intention? Right,
which is a harder question, but because you know, sometimes
you just want to like fuck. But there can be

(21:09):
a line where you might be chasing in your sex
and it's not about how many loads you take, but
like whatever you're doing, whatever your yeah, your your desires
or your pleasures are. If you're not sure why you're
doing it, then it could be that you're just chasing something.
You're chasing something, yeah, And so that might be where
you go overdo it as opposed to I'm intentionally Yeah,
I love this, I want this. If you are chasing

(21:32):
this idea of something you could possibly be overdoing, yeah,
you're kind of like just letting it happen. Like I
feel like and I don't know if this is true,
so like, let me just unpack this messling. If I
know that I go out that I want thirty five loads,
then I don't think I'm overdoing it because I'm going
out saying I want you want to know exactly. But
if I'm going out for the regular whatever and then
I happen to take thirty five loads, that's not bad,

(21:55):
but I would be like curious, did I want this
to happen or intentional about this play happen, or did
I just like let it happen and maybe maybe judge
it from there? Yeah? Okay, well, okay we answered that
we got there. Okay. This question says my older partners
in everything, wild sex, parties, long term marriages, heartbreaks, whole
eras of life. I haven't even touched yet. It's hot

(22:17):
to learn from them, but sometimes I feel like I'm
playing catch up. How do you date someone older without
feeling like you're just the student in their story. Yeah,
this a student in their story right from a student
in their story love story, Oh my god, in your

(22:43):
own story story. I feel like age is something that
comes up a lot, the age gap, the age gap,
and like if you are dating someone older and what
that means, or if you're older dating someone younger, what
that means. And it comes down to just being present
with that person. Do you know what I'm saying, Like,

(23:04):
do you dat a younger or older? I've dated older,
and I think that when I did stay older, was
in relationship with someone that was older. It was definitely
hard a relationship because like when you're older, you're like
stuck in your ways or have a certain way that
you you know, approach live or do things, and it's
kind of hard to If someone's younger than you are
trying to tell you about that, You're like, well, I'm

(23:25):
you know, ten years old, I'm twelve. Well, however old,
you know what I'm saying. And so I think it
really depends on life. If you're going to have an
age gap, you both should feel like a student. Yeah,
instead you understand like we're both learning, even though you
may have more experience in this thing or may have
done more in your life. We're we're still learning together, yes,
like do you I have my twenties, I dated somebody

(23:47):
older than me, and now I'm also ditting somebody younger
than me. So I've been on both sides and like
a significant age gap. Yeah, like when I was in
my twenties, they were ten years older and I'm about
or nine years older than my partner. But I think
the key and I learned this from my older partner.
Oh and I also dated the other guy that was

(24:07):
older than me. All right, well, all right is giving

(24:27):
I love it. My feeling is what I really valued
about the older partners that I've had is they never
made me feel younger and if they've lived your life
to what I thought they valued, in my opinion, they
wanted to get to know me. I think sometimes in
the age gap, if you're experiencing somebody who is treating
you like a child or a student, then that to

(24:48):
me is a flag, Like you know what I'm saying,
sit in you for real. If they're not exactly or
dismissing how you feel your experience because you haven't experienced
or not as old, it's like no, my experience is
still valid even though I haven't lived you know, ten
twelve years like you have. Priceneer's a still vallid. Yeah,
you know what I'm saying. So I think it's that
thing of to answer this person's question. I think that

(25:09):
if there's not already been a conversation of you know,
the age gap or just what that is to the
both of them, because I think that when there is
the age gap, you know what I'm saying, Like Sidey
has a lot of things about it, but there are
a lot of people who were truly age doesn't matter.
You know, if that is a thing or you feel
that that's a thing coming up for you, talk about it.
I will say my caveat is I do get curious

(25:31):
about the fifty year old who's dating the twenty one
year old. Now that is where there has to be
some unpacking and that I get curious about that. Yeah,
curious about the life. Yeah, because I feel like when
that happens, when it's that big of an age gap, Yeah,
it feels like you're chasing something or chasing an idea
on both ends. And yeah, agreed, I think I think

(25:53):
when it gets to the twenty to thirty year gap. Yeah,
you know what it really is? Actually, let me get
even more specific, because I could believe, Okay, we have
this age gap, but like it works for us, right,
and we're still together or ease years later. But when
the older person has a history of always dating, yeah,

(26:14):
the twenty two year old, then I get like, what's happened?
I actually going on going on? Because you're dating and
you're trying to attract people that literally have no like
that y'all literally have nothing in common. You know what
I'm saying? Like experiences are so vastly different, and so
there feels like there's a chase. Yeah, I mean, we

(26:34):
make it societally acceptable for men to date younger women,
but it's like, and by that I mean not just younger,
but I mean like the fifty year old man who's
with the two. Yeah, we make that somewhat normalized, but
it's like, I really do want to pull up that
thread because what what is Yeah, Like what are y'all
talking about? I really want to know what y'all talking about?

(26:56):
Like what do y'all talk about? Like, like, if you
are fifty two and you're dating a twenty two year
old life, what all the conversations. You can't write in
to tell me something. I just want to know. I
do want to really want to know. You're curious, like
what they talk like when they're in bed, what are
they talking about? Yeah, no judgment, We're just curious. We're

(27:17):
just curious, respectfully. But I will say, how do you
date someone older without feeling like you're a student? You
talk to them? I think I think saying the thing
like I'm there's a gap here and I feel X,
Y and Z. But then also as the younger partner
or even the older partner, like are we curious about
each other? Because the older partner could feel like am
I being used for? Because I'm more es sablished ext
I think there can be insecurities on either end. And

(27:39):
so the important thing is that we're one talking about
it and two we're curious about each other. Like it's
a flag to me. And this is in general, and
I know plenty'll have been on dates where the person
don't ask you no question. Oh yeah, that's a flag.
That's a huge flag. You're not asking me questions, if
you're not curious, if you're not taking me seriously or
like valuing what I have to share, Then what are

(28:02):
we doing here? If you don't value what I have
to share them? What the fuck are we doing here? Amen? Amen?
Come on. This one says my partner makes way more
money than me, which is hot until the bill comes
and I realize I'm basically just covering the tip if
that the book five star hotels, and I'm over here
googling your breakfast is free. Part of me loves being spoiled,
but part of me feels like I'm just along for

(28:24):
the ride. How do you keep things sexy and balance
when one person's the baller and the others just trying
to keep up? Mmm? This is really it's actually a
really good question because I think it also goes back
to communication. It goes back to boundaries, because there are
certain people that if they make more money, they make

(28:46):
up for it in you know, whether it's sex or
at the home life or you know, like if they
know they can't make as much money as the other person,
they're like, I'll make sure the dishes are clean, or
I'll make sure the bed is made, or I'll make
sure you know what I'm saying, Like, I think it
really comes to talking to the other person. So the
other person doesn't feel like they're being used or taken
advantage of. Because money is such a huge thing in

(29:07):
our society, we think that it has to be equal.
But I think it depends on the relationship. It depends
on the partnership. If you are dating someone like Oprah,
Oprah don't care about your money, do you know what
I'm saying. That's why Stepmen isn't amazing, you know what
I'm saying, Because it's like, let us attract somebody who
got that open baby, because I don't want to worry,
do you know what I'm saying. So if you if

(29:29):
you have someone who you know got it, why am
I going to even try to do half? You know
I can't do half? But you know you know I
can't do half. Girl. I can get yourself from the
vending machine, and I know the hotel you picked on
got a vending you know what I'm saying to you,
And you want to choose that. So I think it
really is communication. If your partner who is the baller,

(29:52):
has a certain taste and has a certain life or
lifestyle they want to live and they're like, I'm okay
with this baby, then okay, then I'm okay with it.
I'm okay with it too. I think that's important, Like
let's talk about it, and like let's acknowledge the things
that we're not building tension or making our own stories
about what exactly, because people hate to talk about money,
and I think that is nothing. When you're in a

(30:13):
partnership or relationship, you have to talk about the uncomfortable
things and all that. And I think money's money ex
the two. It's just like if y'all start to feel
uncomfortable about the money situation, y'all have to talk about it. Yes, yeah,
and like just because it might actually be less scary,
like what exactly, your head might be scarier than what
I think. As long as they're not doing tip for tat,

(30:34):
you're good. But the other thing I would say is
that it's about equity over equality, So like just because
you can't afford the same thing doesn't mean that you
can't do things that are equitable. Like maybe exactly, I
walk the dogs, or I do you know what I'm saying,
I have a little extra money and I get the
flowers every Thursday, or do you know what I'm saying?
Like things that let them know, like yes, I maybe
can't spend half for first class to do Bay. But

(30:57):
when we get to Dubai, I can rub your feet
by some alls, some flowers, make sure that they got
the you know what I'm saying. It's like, yes, I
know you paid for us to come over here, but baby,
why you Yeah, I'll deal with the travel agent or
whatever show up. You just show up. Things like that,
were like, I can't want that. Because I'm travel I

(31:22):
can really talk and I can make sure that they
are just I know how to repeat credit card. I
really do. I'm really good, really good at it. Can
give everything. I got it, you know what I'm saying.
He actually, I'll do a little extra thing I ain't
gonna tell you about. You're like, oh, that's because I'm
really good. But you know, also on your on a level,

(31:43):
like you could if you can't take them to like
the fancy restaurant, I could order some food, order some
food or the burgers order the thing and then like
set it up at the house the train. It would
be because the thing I think people forget is that
they just want to feel loved. They would appreciate it.
I want to feel And the thing is, you know,

(32:04):
folks with money. No, they got many, it's not that
they got money. And if they're stingy, walk away, especially
if they know they have it and they make you
feel bad or not, that's crazy. Don't do that because
you know I didn't have it when we have exactly
exactly if they have, if they're shaming you, still can't.
You can't be lying if you know you got any

(32:24):
be like paying again. Huh, I got to go, I
got but absolutely absolutely, Okay, shall we make a mess.
That's a mess, Okay. I really do love being in
this relationship. We laugh together, we support each other, and
on those days I feel lucky to have him, But

(32:45):
deep down I can't shake the question of whether this
is my person or just someone i'm comfortable with. I'm
scared of walking away from something good, but I'm also
scared of losing myself if I stay. How do you
know when to choose yourself over the relationship, even if
nothing is technically wrong. I think you have to just
innately truly know yourself and know what you want out

(33:09):
of a relationship and out of a partnership. Because I
was just saying, I was just talking to herd the
other day, I was just like you know, as I've
gotten older, you know, because I'm only twenty one. Well, really,
I was talking with a friend being like, you know,
the things that I want now in partnership relationship is

(33:31):
so different when I was in my teenage, in twenty
in my twenties. Like for me, it's like when I
was in my twenties, it was all vibes and looks,
all vibes and looks. I didn't care about nothing else
but vibes and look. Yeah, now I care about credit score? Oh,
credit scores? Do you want kids? Do you want investment properties?
What is your you know all of that. Like, if

(33:51):
you are feeling like you're having a good time with
this person, but you ultimately can't see a future, the
future that you want with them, then you have to
choose yourself. Oh even if nothing is wrong, because the
thing is, like people realize is that like you can
be a good person, but not your person. Do you
know what I'm saying it? And it doesn't mean that
something was wrong or just like something. It's just like, no,

(34:13):
I can have a great time with you, but ultimately,
if you don't feel that thing, you're not gonna feel
it now five years from now, five, ten years from now.
If you don't feel it, you know what I'm saying.
If you don't feel it, you're not gonna feel it.
I would offer that something is wrong if you aren't settled.
Maybe they're not wrong or they have a but if

(34:35):
you're not at peace in your home with your partner,
then something is one thing is wrong and you have
to like interrogate that. Sure. I also want to say
that I think it's okay to interrogate it and then discover, oh,
actually I do want to stay in this right, Like
we go through patches and ups and downs in our relationships,
but I think it's ignoring that you're unsettled that then

(34:58):
breeds more distance and what that meant and then becomes
a bigger thing as opposed to the moment you're like
I'm not settled, like questioning it and like asking, well,
is it the partner? Is it me? Am I yearning
for something? Is there something I'm not getting in this relationship?
It takes more work, It takes a lot more work.
It's you know, like it's easier to just be like
deuces yeah in some ways, or it's easier to say

(35:20):
it's them and not me. Yeah, but I think the
work is why am I unseubtled? Yeah, and especially if
nothing is wrong right, like if on paper, y'all have
a great time, you know, he or they or she,
they check all the boxes, but something is still like
you know what I'm saying, I think you do have
to do your own investigation and just see what that

(35:41):
is for you, because it's like you also don't want
to walk away from something that is ultimately you not
want to do the work yourself. So you just got
to just walk away. It'll you don't want to face
whatever it is you got to face. It'll come back
in the next way. It'll come back in the next one,
you know what I'm saying. And so I think that
I think just whenever you feel unsettled about anything, whether

(36:01):
that's relationship, whether that's work, whether that's friendships, whatever, figure
out why. And I want to be careful about how
to say this because it's not immedia, but at some point,
like if the nagging isn't going away, like you're in
a long term relationship and like you've been feeling this
for not like a day, not like a week, but
like you're like I'm a month or two maybe three
or more into like I still haven't been able to settle.

(36:23):
I would bring it up to them perhaps they're feeling
something similar exactly, and instead of trying to solve it
on your own or making a drastic decision. I had
an astrologer say to me, you're a bull in a
china shop, but you don't have to break all the china. Ooh,
so like your relationship is the china shop. You're the bull,

(36:43):
but you don't have to break the dishes to figure
out what you're feeling. You can kind of just be
there and survey. I would also even go on to
say of like I would say that you also a
little bit of you knows what the unsettling is? Do
you know what I'm saying? Like it's not like you
know what it is, but like you don't want to
talk about it, you don't want to say you don't

(37:04):
want to. But if there's an unsettling, nine times out
of ten, you know what it is. And it could
be a small thing or it could be a big thing. Yeah,
it could be a multiple, or it could be a multiple,
It could be a variety of things. But there I
feel like there isn't a world where you're feeling unsettled,
and you're just like, why am I feeling? You know
why you feel? Which is which I yeah, I agree
with you. And to that point, I say, take yourself

(37:24):
on a solo trip, take yourself and not like a
if you know, like listen, there are responsibilities and things,
but if you can take yourself away for a weekend,
a long weekend, seven days by yourself, just so you
can talk to God. But it's like here yourself, you're
your thoughts, because it might just be you need a
little bit of space. Yeah, hard to think if you're
living at that partner or whatever. But like, if you

(37:44):
could take yourself out of the elements where work is
or responsibilities are, you might be able to hear what
you actually need and what you're actually feeling, yeah, and
what's making you unsettled exactly. And then also if you
need to communicate that with your partner or communicate that
with friends or whatever. Yeah, but I think that it's
about just truly interrogating what it is and like and

(38:06):
also being honest about it. And I think that's the
hardest thing for us, yourself about yourself about it, you
know what I'm saying, And it's like especially, I feel
like when you're a kind person, a good person, you
don't want to like do or say anything that could
hurt someone else. But you also have to like take
care of yourself and say this is what I want.

(38:27):
The people will keep you in your cave. Oh say
it again, The people pleasing will keep you in your cave.
I think there's in the fear of hurting somebody else
or rupturing, we silence ourselves and then we get sick
and we get resentful and we get distanced, and it's
like I'm gonna say something controversial and unoriginal. We're gonna

(38:51):
hurt people. Yeah, And it's and that may not be
our intention, that's just human nature. We're gonna hurt people.
What I think you have control over is doing it
with respect and with love. Like I like, if we
end this, it might hurt you, Yeah, but I can
do it in a way that is respectful and with
love and with compassion and with kindness. And I think

(39:13):
that's the important thing. Things are going to hurt, We're
gonna get hurt, people are gonna hurt. We're going to
be the cause of some of that art. But as
long as you're doing it with integrity and intention and
you know why you're stepping into the thing and this
is really hard and being okay with the uncomfortableness of
that team, right, yeah, you know what I'm saying, like
being okay with the fact of like this is going
to be a hard conversation or this is going to

(39:34):
be a hard talk, or this is going to be
a hard feeling to have. But also there's another day.
Life will go on, You will go on. There's another side,
you know. I say, it may feel hard now, it
may feel tough now, but like life still happens. I
always thought about this on like a micro level of
moving to LA. I remember thinking, Okay, if I stayed
in New York and I never moved to LA and

(39:57):
nothing ever happened to my career, would I regret that?
And the answer was yes. So it's like, then I
owe it to myself to go to LA and just
see what it is. And so I think that there's
that like if you stay in the relationship and you
never leave and things stay the same, would you regret it?
Would you regret never seeing if there was something? And
if the answer is yes, then it's probably worth If
the answer is no, then like, then you're right, because

(40:18):
choosing yourself doesn't necessarily mean I have to leave. Yeah,
that's the thing. Like, I think that sometimes we lose
ourselves in relationships, and I think we do need to
choose it, and you need to choose yourselves. And then also
if you are with your person, with a partner that
you feel comfortable with, you can have that conversation, yeah,
be like, hey, this is what I'm feeling, this is
what I'm needing, and then they can either show up
or not or not. And you see that a lot.

(40:38):
There's this video that's going around there's a mime. Every
time he sees these moms and dads walk by and
the mom is pushing a stroller, it's actually annoying. One
of the moments is a mom is pushing a stroller,
pregnant and has a book bag on and the mime
stops them, doesn't say anything, takes the bag off of her,
puts it on the dad, and also gives him the stroller.

(40:59):
This mime literally like tries to create equity between these couples.
And I guess my point of this is there is
a world in which you're in a relationship and you're
doing everything that does have to get checked because you're
choosing everyone else. You're choosing your partner's comfort, you're choosing
your kids comfort, choosing everyone else's comfort, and so there's
resentment building. Doesn't mean you have to divorce, but like

(41:20):
we do have to sit down and say, hey, babe,
this isn't working. I need something for myself. I have
to pour into my cup. But they feel like what
overflows when your cup runs over? What comes out of
the cups in the cup. If you don't have anything
in your cup, that has to change. And so talking
to your partner, and I would say, if you talk
to your partner and they're not down for the conversation, right, okay, discountable.

(41:55):
But if you say it that your partner's like, oh shit,
like we got to figure this out out, then that's
the that's like worth yea figuring it out. And again
you might figure it out and be like ultimately we
have to whatever. I think. That just gives you a
little more again being in that bull in that china shop,
you don't have to break the dishes. You get to
like observe and then make the next right or the

(42:17):
next best move. Thank you, baby of course we do
a little aftercare last mass. Yeah, okay, beautiful. So I'm
going to ask you a question. That's what we ask
everyone here, and then you answer in like one word
or a whole sentence. Okay. The first one is what
celebrity or fictional character living or dead could ruin your life?

(42:39):
And you'd say thank you. Fictional characters. I mean, I
guess they could have died in the show too. Oh
my god, you could ruin my life. Yeah, you'd say
thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, mister Warden,
you thank you what it is actually it's great saying

(43:01):
wild And this could be like you know, from when
your your your twenties and your teenage years, or it
could be current minus Jason Momoa, Oh yeah yeah, I
mean ruined me. What's up? You get ruined everything? I
need my car, Jason. I would say this is from

(43:25):
my teenage to my from my youth. Yeah, Shamarrow Moore,
he could he could he? You know, you gotta stretch,
You just gotta you gotta move, you gotta move things around.
You gotta baby Chamar more respectfully, respectfully, respectfully, Sam, respectfully.

(43:52):
I know that you don't go that way. Yeah, ruined
me though, and thank you and thank you. Yeah, Samorro
was it for me? Ruin me? Yeah, growing up samar
was like you were just like the days of our
lives someone. Yeah, I just I just just like when
he would hold so. So I was up early for
no other reason but watch Saturday morning. I wasn't watching cartoons.

(44:12):
I was watching Okay, Next question, your most controversial food opinion.
I mean, there's suppose I don't like, but I would say, yeah,
sugar and spaghetti. Say more sugar in spaghetti. You like

(44:38):
that sugar and spaghetti. It's not like a whole heap
of sugar, just a little something. It gives it little
sweet and savory. So you just take a little sugar.
So make a great pot of spaghetti, and then you
just sprinkle some sugar on it, okay, like white sugar,

(44:59):
bransh sugar sugar okay, and like a pinch or like no,
you like some more than a okay? And then I
guarantee you the flavors and the spices been on how
you make it will cancel some of the sugar. But
you have a little sweetness. So instead of the like
a sweet spaghetti, it's like but it's not even really sweetish,
just a little like.

Speaker 2 (45:17):
Oh, I want y'all to know divere death commercials like
you've seen devere many a commercial super Bowl commercial, Like literally,
she's got so many super Bowl commercials that would you
sold it.

Speaker 1 (45:38):
I'm going home to make spaghetti and putting sugar in it,
not like a cup. When you're eating You're like, oh, nice, controversial,
I take, but I want you to try it. I
think everyone should try it. I need for report report.

(46:01):
What's your most irrational ick? My most irrational ick when
people put their teeth on metal forks and spoons, when
they go, like you hear it? People like that, Why
would they hear that? People do that? Like, but you
can hear the teeth on the metal like that. It

(46:23):
drives me up a wall. Don't break your tooth like that.
It's such an irrational thing. But like when I hear it,
I'm just like, why are you doing that? What's the
show you'll defend to the grave? And maybe it doesn't
need defending Real Housewives of Atlanta period, although this last
season that could be a whole other episode. But I
just this last season changed change television absolutely, and I

(46:45):
don't care what anyone says. I don't care. If you
hate Housewild, I don't care. If you hate reality TV,
I don't care. It changed television season one either. What
the women on that show changed reality TV change it
changes the way that we watch show. Let me say this,
you have to watch He's the one because they didn't

(47:05):
know what they were doing. They didn't know what the
other shows to look at. So it's like, it's beautiful.
It's it's beauty because they truly were just being Yeah,
it's beautiful. Like not everyone like creates straw maa. But
back in the day, I mean, they were produced, but
they were, but they weren't like they were just living
and they were showing up in TJ Max Baby to
the reunion, Honey, Okay, off the Absolutely they were wearing gowns,

(47:31):
you know, like Collared Love. They were wearing gowns with
the booty with the little ankle. Devastating, devastating to a
reunion but never Yeah, but that's the show. Absolutely. What's

(47:54):
the first song you'd play if you hijack the Awk
score right now? Why they like the old school? Right now?
The oxcord A song I would play right now? It
would probably be The Boss by Diana Ross. Oh, because
I'm a I'm a I'm such a I'm such an
old school old eighties and it should because I love

(48:18):
that era, because it's such feel good music. Sure, And
I think that, like, especially now in today's day and
age in society now, it's like, I feel like we
need to get back to feel good music music and
just like where it's like it doesn't need to be moody.
It doesn't mean like just make some feel good muse
so we can all just call Yeah, if you could

(48:39):
whisper one messy piece of advice into the world's ear,
what would it be? There? Aren't straight people? Are you
trying to get? Everyone's a little bit queer. That's correct

(49:00):
when you can lean more into something. But it's just human.
We're a little queer. We're all just a little and
it's okay. And I think I think that it's the
thing of realizing that, like, as a human, you can
be attracted to or have an affinity for, so many things,
different types of people and different types of experience and

(49:20):
different types of things. And I think that I think
because our society is so big on labels and labeling things,
this is why people are like, I'm straight or I
can't be this, I have to be you know what
I'm saying. It's because it's like we're trying to force
people into box instead of just letting people be. You
know what I'm saying, Like say that, I'm like, thou
doest protest too much? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, it's because I

(49:40):
think that is I think that that is the next
sort of realm that we reach as a society, not
being so caught up on who's sleeping with who or
how they're sleeping with people. Also, the craziest thing about
our world is that we're so caught up in other
people's business that has nothing to do with you do
You know what I'm saying. If this person wants to
have sex with seven people and take thirty five blows,

(50:02):
let them do that. Why do we care? Why do
I care? Let them do that, Let them be you. You
know what I'm saying. Yeah, they just that's what they
that's what they like. You know what I'm saying. I
feel like we all are on a spectrum of so
many different things. And also it's like, you know, a
straight person can try to do a queer act or
whatever like that and enjoy it and still be like,

(50:24):
but I still am in love with a woman. But
it's like, but I enjoyed that. That was nice, you
know what I'm saying, And that's you can have pleasure,
you have experiences, and I think that is the thing.
It's just like there's no straight it's just like just
we're just people. Yes, yes, we're literally people experiencing life. Yeah,
I always say straight man, there's nothing game aout putting
something of your butt. Oh yeah, it feels good, it

(50:46):
feels good. But people really, it's like y'all won't even
wipe your ass because because y'all are so afraid that
people want to say you're the way they want clean
the ass the way I just don't understand, and they
and some of them motherfuckers be proud of it. Like
I don't. I don't wipe that. Yeah, what please don't
say don't say that you have to wash. You have

(51:06):
to wash your ass, and you have to bend over
and get in there, get in there, and then I
need you to also wash your legs and yours and
between your toes. I don't know who needs to hear that. No,
but you know, white people think that they too and
that's why I feel like, let's make this announcement because
wash your legs, take that rag or that loofah, scrub legs.

(51:27):
It's not going to be clean. It's not going to
be clean. So fucking clean your room. Yeah. The last
question is what do you love most about yourself? I
want to say my spirit. I feel like I truly
was blessed with a spirit that was put here to
love freely, to give you to support, and like I

(51:49):
feel like even amongst all the things and all the
traumas that I've experienced, that spirit is still Yeah. And
I feel like, honestly, I feel like most spirits are
supposed to be that, and I think that we allow
life and traumas to dim that, you know what I'm saying.

(52:10):
Like I feel like, and it's just my opinion, Like
I feel like no one comes here to be bad
or evil or not nice or mean or you know
what I'm saying, Like, no one is coming here to
do that. I think that life and circumstances and everything
sort of you know, make people that way. But I
feel like for me, I just I love that even

(52:32):
amongst it all, I can still show up and also
bring joy to everyone just by coming, you know, yeah,
by coming, Yeah, I know that's I love you so much,
I have to say, and I probably said this to
you already, but your spirit is unmatched and you continue

(52:56):
to shine so bright. And it is such a privilege
to be your friend, to be in your life, and
to have you in my life is a great privilege.
And I'll say it again if I haven't said it.
I've learned a lot about friendship and about never dimming
your light through you. I watch you walk into spaces
and like people flock because you really just are yourself.

(53:21):
I've been in I'll tell you, We've walked into spaces
like you know, because we do. And I've been in
like like you know, by the bar or whatever, and
I've had people be like, who's that? Who's that? And
I'm like, mind your businesses, But there is a who
is that? And it's not about how rich you are

(53:51):
you and your trace, it's that you allow yourself to exist.
And I think we as people are always attracted to
people who were being themselves and who march their own drama,
and who don't conform for the environment, but allow the
environment to actually open up for them. So I love

(54:13):
you so much. Thank you for being here, Thank you
for having me go on video. You look too pretty gourious. Okay,
I see you next week. Bye bye. Well, you know
we are hose here, but hose with heart. So before
we part ways, let me speak to yours. I love Divie.

(54:37):
Divie makes me feel light and happy and joy and
excited and just reminds me of all the goodness that
exists in the world, because what a heart he has.
I really loved this conversation so much, and there were
so many beautiful takeaways. I really loved when de Vere said,

(55:02):
you can be a good person, but not your person.
It reminds me of somebody years ago that was talking
to me about going to a sex party and she
was like, it's my space, but not my people. That like,
the idea and the environment was right, but the people
who were throwing it was not necessarily her vibe. And

(55:23):
that was very freeing. That, like, it's information right, Like
you can be with a person and it's like, oh,
the relationship or the idea of the relationship is right,
but the connection isn't there. Even though the person is
good and sweet and wonderful, you just might not be connected.

(55:43):
And like, that's okay. You know that every relationship will
not be romantic. Every romantic relationship won't last forever, right,
we hope it does, you know, but forever it's also
a very I mean, it's respectfully like a fairy tale
that we are indoctrinated with that like a relationship isn't
worth anything if it doesn't last forever. That we see

(56:04):
a relationship ending as a failure or that's something that
doesn't last as forever is not valuable, and that nothing
could be further from the truth. Every relationship that you have,
whether it lasts for a season or a lifetime, does
something for you, teaches you, something grows you in some way.
The most beautiful thing you can do for yourself is
recognize when it might be a good person but not

(56:26):
your person, because it gives you a chance to liberate
yourself and liberate themselves so that both of you have
the time to find who is your person. But choosing
yourself doesn't mean you have to leave. It's very true,
you know, Like when you choose yourself in a relationship,
it doesn't mean the relationship has to now end that
you're like, well, fuck you, I'm out of here. In fact,

(56:48):
I believe in partnerships. I want my partners to choose
themselves in the same way I want to choose myself,
because I'm a better version of myself and they are
a better version of themselves when they choose them It's
not in a selfish way. It's not in an inconsiderate way.
It's not like, oh, now, fuck you as me first,
I gotta take care of me, Lucius. Okay, that's for

(57:08):
the Empire plans. Those of you used to watch Empire
back in the day, you know, it's not that. It's
just like, oh, I'm gonna make sure that there is
in my life and in my days as I take
care of you and and our responsibilities, that I'm also
making sure that I take care of me and that
I'm setting up my boundaries. And if I can't do

(57:28):
that thing, I'm gonna say, oh I can't do that
right now. Obviously, the context is everything. There are times
where you may not be one hundred percent, but somebody
is truly in a deficit and you show up. But
if I know that, like, oh, this is a thing
that somebody's invited me to, that a lot of other
people are gonna go to and I would love to
be there, but I don't have it in me to go.

(57:49):
I can't be worried about if they're gonna look at
me crazy for not showing up, I gotta go. Oh,
I actually don't have it in me, and so I'm
gonna have to choose myself and I'm gonna have to
apologize and I make it up to you. You know,
I always show up to X, Y and Z, but
tonight I really do have to choose myself. It's those moments.
It's small. You don't have to leave somebody. You don't
got to blow up a relationship. You know, you just

(58:11):
but you got to make sure that you don't lose
yourself inside of the relationship. I would like to reiterate
people pleasing will keep you in a cage. People pleasing
will keep you in your cage. At some point, you
have to live your life for you. I just saw
Mia Harden on Threads or Decenter. How you'll be perceived

(58:32):
You're grown. I love that d Center. How you'll be
perceived You're grown if you are so focused on how
other people are going to see you and make sure
that other people are happy, and you are not anywhere
to be found in that happiness. You are going to
feel drained and exhausted and you're the one that's going

(58:52):
to suffer. You have to prioritize your happiness, you know,
no matter what's on the table. And there's a lot
on the table. Some of us are taking care of kids,
some of us are taking care of our parents, some
of us are taking care of just ourselves, you know
what I'm saying, Like just like like, you know, there's
a lot happening just to survive, but you also have
to take care of your happiness. You know, I said,
go on a solo trip. That might not be possible, right,

(59:14):
but maybe it's having an evening to yourself, taking a
twenty minute walk, you know, while the kids are you know,
with the other parent, or while they're at school. Whatever.
It is, like finding moments, intentional moments for yourself to
feel some joy. I know, when this day is done,
I'm gonna put on this little TV show or I'm

(59:34):
gonna smoke that joy, you know, or I'm gonna put
on my favorite card again and crochet, Like what is
the thing that makes you happy? Making sure that you're
not spending so much of your time thinking about everybody
else that you forget you. You gotta keep your cup filled.
How about you? What were your takeaways? What stuck out

(59:54):
for you? You know? Was it the brandy, a monument tickets
or too expense? It? Was it the role play? Or
was it you know, our conversation with equity over equality?
What's it up for you? Email me at tell Me
Something Messy at gmail dot com. Thank you so much
for listening to Tell Me Something Messy. If you all
enjoyed the show, send the episode to someone else who

(01:00:16):
might like it. Tell Me Something Messy was executive produced
by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins and Yours Truly. Our producer
and editor is Vince Dejohnny and a special thank you
to Natalie Branham, who helps you organize and come up
with some of this mess For more podcasts from iHeartRadio
and The Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app or anywhere
you subscribe to your favorite shows

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Brandon Kyle Goodman

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