December 19, 2024 • 52 mins
Pop goddess, VINCINT, shares some messy memories with Brandon and dives into some wildly-hilarious Messy Mail. Then, one one submission prompts a deeper conversation, VINCINT opens up with how they learned to love their sexual needs through self reflection.
Find VINCINT on IG @vincint
Follow Brandon on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/brandonkylegoodman
Join the C'Heauxmunity at https://brandonkylegoodman.substack.com/
Submit your own messy story or question at TellMeSomethingMessy@gmail.com or call (669) 696-3779
Donate to PanCan at: https://pancan.org/?form=FUNGMWGYGJJ
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
I'm going to give you a little exclusive here that
I've never talked about anywhere else. Yes, my relationship with
sex started with trauma, and so for me, sex for
a very long time was a dangerous thing.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Yeah. It is taking a very.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Very long time and a lot of self reflection and
therapy to understand that sex could be something to be enjoyed.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Yeah, And you know what we do here destroy shame
around sex by talking about sex. Now, let me tell
you something messy. All right, y'all. I did it. I
fucked in a porta potty. Now listen, listen. If you
know me, you know that. Uh, I'm really against it.
(00:47):
Porterbody doing asty? Where's the shit going? And shit stays
in there and people be trying to fuck You know,
when people get the nerve to fucking a porter potty
at the party is usually when the party has been
going on for quite some time, and so there's a
lot of things in that porta potty and I'm not
really trying to get fucked or fuck in there. But
when I went away, the porta potties are very nice
(01:09):
in other countries. By the way, I don't know if
y'all knew this. I think I think y'all. Did I
think those of you who aren't in America did know this,
and you've you've impressed this upon me. But I didn't
believe you. And I finally saw it, and they're lovely,
pristine cleaning. I don't know if they're cleaning it in
the middle of the party, but every one I went
into was just so so fresh, not calling a porter
(01:33):
potty fresh, but they were fresh. I mean they were
fresh and so so I you know, I said, well,
you know, let me have a new experience. I fucked
in a couple of porta potties and and it was wonderful. Now,
the the logistics of it, I never was over the toilet,
do you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
There's that space between the closing of the door. There's
a little bit of space where like the where like
the little sink is and then the toilet, right, So
I was never My hands weren't over the toilet.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
They were over the sink, you know, saying. So we
would do it from the side. It was like if
you opened the porta potty door, you would see us
from a profile position, right, you wouldn't see the back
of us. Just because I still didn't you know one,
I don't because you got the you got your phone,
got your things. I don't want nothing to fall into
(02:27):
as fresh as it is, not trying to fish nothing
out that ball. You understand what I'm saying. So it
was always a profile and it was lovely and it
actually happened to be enough space, you know, because that
was the other thing, like, yeah, you know, it's like
you're fucking in a closet. But it was fine. It
was a good vibe. You could hear them music outside blaring.
(02:48):
I really quite enjoyed it. I would give it a
seven out of ten. You know, would I do it again?
I would, Yeah, I would say yes, yes, I would
do it again. I want to say know, but I
also know myself and with enough to killo shots, the
answer will be yes, enough to killer shots, and that
that may look at me any kind of way. It's great.
(03:09):
I was a bit of a hoe, which is to
be expected in that at the party, there were a
few gentlemen who caught my eye and and you know
when they did to the bathroom, bitch, I'm French, now, okay,
(03:30):
come on all right, by the way, welcome to the show.
Tell me something messy. I'm your host, Brandon K. Goodman.
Some people call me Bessie mother. You can call me
porta pussy. Oh my god, this show, this show. But
that's March. Okay, that's that's March. All right. Let's get
this show started. Baby. You know what that means. It
(03:52):
is time for a guest. Now, while they get situated,
we'll get our messy. Key key started with a whole
manifest Repeat after me aloud or in your head. Grant
me the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal,
the wisdom to know that sex is not just about penetration,
the audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries, the
(04:15):
strength to not call my ex that fuck boyfuck girl,
or fuck they, for it is better to masturbate by
myself in peace than to let someone play in my
motherfucking face. Let the community say, holuvia, I am so
excited to have pop goddess and one of my besties
(04:36):
on the show, Vincent. Vincent is a multifaceted artist renowned
for their powerful vocals, captivating performances, and distinctive style. Vincent
continues to push the boundaries of pop music from their
twenty twenty EP The Feeling, and their twenty twenty two
debut album, There will Be Tears, featuring the viral hit Higher,
(04:58):
which features Alex Newell also get Away with Tiegan and Sarah.
Vincent has been performing across the globe from television spots
on The Today Show and Samantha Be to Coachella and
Sydney Marty gra twenty twenty four will begin their new era,
which will include new songs featuring Betty Who, Adam Lambert
(05:19):
and more. Y'all please help me welcome Vincent, Hello, Hello,
you sing a song now? You don't know not where
you are yet? Sing a song now? I will send
okay sing our theme song? Will you just sing? Tell
me something messy and then we're gonna just make that
(05:40):
into a thing.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
Now, go ahead, tell me something mercy.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Yes, I don't get the royalties. Will I'll take you
out to Photo Ruckers or something that was actually really good.
You should do that. You should do that. We might,
we might, but we also might get somebody else to
do it. Anyway, Thank you so much for having me
on the pod today. I had a blast, which is great.
(06:09):
You gotta get out, Hey, baby, Hi, I love you
so much. Well, I get it. I understand that. I'm
so glad you're here. I'm happy to be here. I
haven't seen you. I don't know when this will come out,
but I'm so I haven't seen you like this since
we got back from uh from a worldwide excursion.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
Yeah trip, my god, I thought I was dead for
a week and a half.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
It was rough, it was. We were quite busy. Yeah
we were. I saw you girl, and I saw you there.
It is, yeah, all right, anyway, my family listens to this. Okay, Now,
a few messikiki guidelines. Vincent things get to be unprocessed.
(07:00):
Any thoughts or opinions shared have the right to evolve, shift,
or change today, tomorrow, ten years from now. And this
is important. If during the ki ki something feels too
personal or unintentionally offends, we use the safe word fool's ball,
which gives a chance to pause and address accordingly. Sound good, baby,
love that all right? So baby, we like to start
(07:21):
with a lou breaker here. Gotta have it, gotta have it.
So we're gonna play a little round of smash or pass.
So I'll tell you something and you'll tell me if
you would smash it or if it's a hard past.
He sounds good to here, smash your pass having your
whole spit on smash.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Yeah, it's just like what are you doing back there?
If not, what are we doing? What are we doing?
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Well?
Speaker 2 (07:43):
Yes, but also trying to get to know it, I mean,
talk about it. Here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
I have had good experiences with it and bad experiences
with it.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
Where what are the bad experiences?
Speaker 1 (07:52):
I've had a guy fully spit on my health and
it just was like, Oh, you don't like drink water?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
Do you know what I mean? Do you know what
I mean? You know the difference, you know the difference,
and you know what I mean, and you know you
know what I mean. Don't talk to me like hey,
you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (08:07):
And you know you've experienced those girls and you're like, hey,
get from back there.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
And then there are girls who are like, oh, you've
you're trained at this.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Yeah, you're a connoisseur, You're you're a trained girl. I am.
I am first in the language of but a lingus, Okay,
I really need but a lingus. Thats okay, It's it's
(08:35):
getting worse. See, I feel like I'm the unhingerele on
this show because it is my show. But then you're
here and you're out unhinging me. It's it's very funny
because I'm just answering questions. It's crazy as if I
am hinged. Okay, I love it. Well, I do know
that you drink your water. So yes, smash a smash
of past sex in a porter potty. It's a past.
(08:58):
It's a past.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
I have had a ma and try to do that
at a festival and I said, honey, there's a dovet
of shit in here.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
What are we doing? What are we doing?
Speaker 1 (09:11):
But but theties we use, the porta parties we used
in Madrid were oh sure, stunning.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Now that is okay, that is fair, That is fair place.
Because so this is this is a constant debate on
messy Mondays, which is that people talk about having sex
and porta potties and I always go, that's disgusting. Let's
have a little bit of standards. But my understanding is
that outside of America, the porta potties are kind of
very not There.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Were people peeing in the streets into into beautiful porta
pines with art on them were gorgeous, and they were
out in the open and I was like, oh.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
This is this is why y'all fucking the porta poties.
You love yourselves and your people and you treat them well. Yes,
whereas here I don't know you were performing. But at
the West, the West Hollywood Pride, where the porta potties
and the urinals were, by the end of day one,
the grass it's self was a puddle of shit. Ship.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Nobody was shitting on the grass, but it was like
the standing urine because to save time, there are now
those standing urinal where you just step up to it
and p but the people were missing it, I guess,
And so like the grass was filled with pea and
it was just.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
It's just not we're not doing it right here. I
don't think we're not doing it right.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
And it showed so much. It smelled beautiful in London
and there are people peeing.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Outside and then I realized drinking their water. Well, we're
not doing well. Yeah all right, so sex, so sex
and a porter potty is a past past. But if
we are abroad and those different different girls okay, snash pass,
wax poured on you, pass, talk about it.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
I'm a girl who believes in all form of pleasure
if anything reminds me of slave trauma, yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Yeah, yeah, no, and then we're gonna talk about it.
Because here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
If I'm lay that uncomfortable, you've given me a massage,
there are rose puddles around my head, Luther's in the bag,
no too much.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
And a hot piece of wax hits the back of
my neck.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
I need you to know something about me, Babe, Babe,
something in my head is gonna click, and I'm gonna
get a slash of maussage and I'm gonna hit.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
I don't understand why it's why it's being poured on
the back of your neck. To begin with, why is
it being poured on me? To begin with? Well, I well, well,
hopefully okay. First of all, hopefully if you have wax
being poured on you, there was a conversation beforehand, you
would hope like, yes, like, don't surprise me with some wax,
because yeah, I'll fight you, of course, right. Yeah. But
(11:41):
but if somebody were to say, hey, I would like
to you know, this is a kinky thing, would you
You'd still be against. I didn't buy that yky candle
poured on me. I didn't buy that for that. What
if the wax turns into like massage oil, it doesn't.
Speaker 3 (11:53):
Okay, okay, there are wax, there are, but there are
some candles that you like and they turn into a
massage or.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Anyway massage yourself. Yeah, I don't. Well, for me, it
is a well, I don't want to say. It's real
freaky bitch. You can say smash, baby, say smash. That's okay,
it's a smash. Judge. Okay, thank you, thank you face.
Well that's the game, babe.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Crazy to end on that crazy.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
And you win what you always win here at tell
me something messy, which is my unconditional love. I'd rather have.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
Careful, careful hush, there we go there, all right, babies,
if you.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
Have any prompts. Don't like this basically, honey, you can
email us it tell me something messy at gmail dot com.
That that's what I'm trying to say. Vincent, can you
tell me something.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Messy, something messy, something messy.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
And I know you a messy bitch, so come on,
I could tell your.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Business something messy, will cut and suddenly.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Something messy.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Okay, I guess we can go to Madrid. I mean
you know, we went to a party there. It was
called we.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Something went to a party. Oh got it? I was
alone in Madrid.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
I went to a party and for the first time
in my life had fun with multiple partners at once
at the same time at the same time.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
That's what once. That means. Thank you? How was that
for you? It was so much fun? Now, let me
ask you this before that, were you curious about multiple
partners at once like a group orgy situation or did
you have like any kind of responses or reactions? We're like, oh,
(13:52):
I don't actually ever want to do that, Like, well,
you know me, I barely want to be touched, so
but I hope you really do. Almost every time I
try to get back.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
But it's I told you before we start our trip,
what I wanted to experience on this trip was sexual freedom,
and I wanted to let my afroid iity out and
to kind of find her again. And so that was
my plan going into it and not thinking that this
would be the outcome of it, but really unbridling myself
to the possibility of what that trip could be for
me in a sexual way was really really freeing. So
(14:24):
I think during it, I was like, I think at
one point I started laughing to myself because I was like,
what's happening here?
Speaker 2 (14:29):
What's happening here? What have you done? Who are you?
Speaker 1 (14:33):
But it was just so it was so intoxicatingly refreshing
that I was like, Oh, this is what your life
could be like.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Yes, you know, not every day, but it is if
you want you There are some dolls here that every day,
every single time I don't have the time or the time,
I just don't. She's got it was so.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
It was just that part of myself I had not
been able to experience, and as I get older, I'm
I would rather look back on my life and be like, Wow,
you probably shouldn't have done that, but you did.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
I want a story.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Chaer said that on stage yet I think she was
seventy five, and she's like, don't I wish that I
would have done some of the crazy things that I
thought about doing. And I'm like, cool, I want to
feel that way because me missing out on things has
become the paramount of my days and that's crazy.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
We can't do that. No. Yes, I actually reposted that
clip of her where she's like, I wish I did
more things, and she's like, I was pretty bad. But
like I wish I would have done was worse? Yeah,
was worse. Who was gonna judge me?
Speaker 3 (15:33):
Come on?
Speaker 2 (15:34):
Because when you are and well, we can get into
this later. But like when you are, like I feel
like when I'm like in my eighties or my nineties
hopefully one, I'm still fucking if I want to. But
I will look back over my life and I don't
want to say I wish I did that, I wish
i'd done that, or why didn't I try that orgy?
Or why didn't I try that thing? You know, destiny fulfilled.
That's what I want, period, What I want destiny fulfilled
and loving it. You know that was the name of
(15:56):
the tour, right just even it was sponsored by because
nothing has ever.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
More than the three of them singing it in the studio,
Beyonce going I'm loving it.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Those were good times, miss it. I missed that time
in music when McDonald sponsored Like, everyone's still looking McDonald,
come on, clip pop start here. All right, Well, let's
get into some messy mail. Okay, So it is time
for messy mail, where I will read out messy patron
stories and submissions. As always, your submissions remain anonymous. Now
(16:35):
one of your submissions will be my messy pick for
a messy key key, which is a more in depth
convo with my guest. Let's get into it. This one says,
as a new bodey owner, someone that hasn't done anal since,
is it good for before and after? Do you have
a be day? I don't have a day. I know
(16:56):
that you have a day. I am. I talk about
it as much as I can. Every toilet in the
apartment has a day attachment too, especial because you have
two I do. I do carry I actually do. I
have multiple bathrooms in my apartment. Of two bathrooms, you're jealous.
I can feel it. So each of them has a day.
(17:18):
It's a tissue bedet. If you look up tous, she
look up toussu be day, so she will give you
some some foreign but I got them for hemorrhiates. Actually
that tracks really it falls out of you. Yeah, we're
in the studio today, girl, get out. Okay. The next
(17:40):
one says, uh, sucking your guy's dick. He spit on
my face and I threw up in my mouth, but
I didn't stop. I don't like spit. Hm hmm. That's real.
We talked about spit and you don't mind spitting your whole?
Do you mind spit in your face? In your mouth?
Here's the thing, talk about it.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
I am a stickler out mouths, mainly because I get
word about getting sick and things like that. Sure someone
that I can't you know? And then I'm like too much.
People have smelly spits. Sometimes we're getting into it, we're
talking about it. Tell me I can understand it, because
there are some Here's the thing, it varies, it varies,
and I can also understand this person's issue. You know,
(18:21):
if I'm doing something that involves me hitting my gag
reflex often, and then you do something that I don't
think is attracted, it immediately makes you want.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
To Yeah, lunch understood. I don't mind it if I
know your mouth is cleaned. And how do you know
the mouth is clean because you've issed it first? No, No,
I've made you brush your teeth. That's real, which I
will say. I just you know, whoever needs to hear this.
I think it's important to brush your teeth before.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
Any any anything, but especially a sexual engagement. I think
that you know, we shower and we brush our teeth.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Now, listen and scrape your tongue and scrape your tongue
metal scraper, not plastic one. With the spit of it all.
I will say, before you spit on somebody, you should
actually make sure they like that stuff, because yeah, some
people don't like spit, and that's fair. This person didn't.
The throwing up in the mouth. Have you ever thrown
up in your mouth? People tell me that they've sometimes
(19:16):
thrown up in their mouth when they gag on a penis,
and I experienced it in London for the first time.
I could.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
I could say that it was only a little bit,
but I I have not been on the I have
been the cause. Oh yeah, I have been the cause,
but not the receiving end of it. And you have
to be careful of things like that because I'm a communicator,
thank you, during sex.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
So it's like, this is where we're gonna go. Yes,
be aware of that. Yes, are you comfortable with that? Yes,
this is the journey fair. I think it's tough it
can be to this was how what happened. I was
on my bed and so like my head is hanging off,
which is already like that's already professional. They like, you know,
(20:03):
you're already like that's advanced deep throat and the dick
was a sizable dick and then he like slid it
into my uh, which you know, the angle of it
allowed it to really get in there. But then it
was just like I felt like a gag and then
like a little bit of but I swallowed that ship
back down. And you know why I swallowing down because
(20:25):
you messy patrons have told me swallowed your throat, And
I said, well, that's what I do in this moment.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
You just because I think in your head you're like,
I don't want to run the moment. It was also
kind of hot, like it's like it's kind of hot,
but also like there's a cleanup involved me to come,
you know.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
And some some guys are like they like are proud,
They're proud, they're proud.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
I on the other hand, I'm like, I know that
you're not happy because now your throat's burning.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Okay, So okay, that's that's a fair point.
Speaker 3 (20:53):
This wasn't I think it's like is it throw like
has like but then there's like just like a little
bit of spits a little.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Spit of little little acid from the stomach. He had
no food, like no chunky.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
It's just your body being like, oh yeah, this is
I'm just gagging and this is it went far enough
for it to be like let me just like get
it out so you can breathe.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
Yes, just like you.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
It's your body trying to save your life from the
horse things that you're doing.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
Is what's happening your body. Your body's like, say you're
at you get him out of us. We're dying. Yes,
that hanging off the bed. There's no way proud proud
of myself. Okay. Uh this one says I eloped with
my ex who's twenty years older, and none of my
family knows. So what's the question.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Maybe you got away with it, you, I guess, I
guess what's the question there?
Speaker 2 (21:43):
I don't think there is a question. I think it's
just like a thing, a messy thing they did. You know.
I'm actually not concerned with the elopean. I'm not even
concerned with the you know, the age gap, like you know,
a thirty year old with a fifty year old work, Yeah,
work if that, like you know, but the the ex
of at all. I feel like there's a reason you
didn't tell your family.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Yeah, I mean like well, I mean of course if
they're twenty years older than you, I think there's a
bit of like fear of judgment from the family of
how old the partner may be. It's eloping always to
me is like this is for us, I wouldn't do
this for us, But it also has the opposite side
where it's like I don't need other people love in this.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
You know, it's it's it's it's it's for you.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
And I think if you feel good with that, yeah,
that's okay. If you feel as though at some point
in your life your family's going to be open to
meeting this person and this partner, that's fine too.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
Yeah, but you don't have to you know what I
would say, because this is probably a good distinction, like
with family, depends on what your relationship to your family is.
But if you're not telling like your bestie, do you
know what I'm saying, Like, if they're the people who
are like really a reflection to you, who will really
tell you, maybe that's some wild doing. This is crazy
or like people who can be like your truth barometer
or or your I think I heard somebody say like
(22:53):
truth counsel. Yeah, if you're not telling them, like if
I gotta if I eloped and didn't tell you like
that is like both done by something you find us.
You would find us, I know you would, but that
to me would be a flag. But you know, if
your family is not really your your your people, then
you know do you?
Speaker 1 (23:13):
I mean, yeah, there's no you don't have to explain yourself.
And I think it's it sounds like you're excited about
it and you wanted to get it out and that's amazing.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
So congratulations, I guess that's right. Congratulations. You know you
told someone, and I think that's a beautiful thing. You found.
Love you with someone, You're happy? Fuck them? Fuck them?
Wow in every sense, So I love that's great advice.
Fuck them. This one says, uh, went to my went
to Miami to grieve a divorce and got spit roasted
(23:42):
by two Danish guys. Really calms a bitch down. For
those who don't know. Spit roasting essentially, Uh, there's one
person in the middle, and then somebody is fucking you
and your anus or volva, and then and there's also
the world sex happening somewhat like an Eiffel Tower, like
(24:03):
a few hower.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
Yeah, yeah, I think the Eiffel Tower happens if if
the two people in the end holding hands.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
When they hold hands, it's an Eiffel tower. If they're
not holding hands, it's a spit roast. Right. Community. Yeah,
this singularity absolutely community, hands up down. I want to
say congratulations. I want to say congratulations too. I love
that for you. What a powerful thing to do.
Speaker 3 (24:26):
Absolutely, I'm going I'm finalizing my divorce and then to celebrate,
I'm gonna let I'm gonna just let these two people rail.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Me and I say the N word on here is
that I'm gonna let these niggas have And I think
that's great.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
That's it's great. I think that's wonderful.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
What a wonderful thing to do for yourself, to be
so done with a part of your life that you're like, hey,
this was what it was, and I'm out of that now.
Let me remind my body and my mind that what
I want I can.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
Have absolutely and step into your freedom and your liberations.
What a time for her? Hey, they yes? Hopefully my goodness.
Never you girl gets my show. I'm taking a back
(25:19):
you ready for the messy thing? Girl? The question is
what has been and is your relationship to sex. That's
a big question.
Speaker 3 (25:28):
But okay, we got time, and also, like can we
start here. Actually, so Vincent and I are both black,
queer and non binary, and so I think that will
also influence what that relationship is as well.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
I'm going to give you a little exclusive here that
I've never talked about anywhere else. Yes, my relationship with
sex started with trauma, and so for me, sex for
a very long time was a dangerous thing. It is
taken a very very long time and a lot of
self reflection and therapy to understand that sex could be
(26:08):
something to be enjoyed and not something to run away from.
When I was six, I lived in an apartment building with
my mother and my aunt and my cousin and a
boy who lived there would always just be sexually aggressive
and needs similar in age, I believe in like nine
or ten, and for whatever reason, one night decided to
(26:29):
take it a step too far and I was hurt
during it. And so that was my first initiation into
sex as a thing and not like flirtation or liking
or that fun thing that happens when you're like I
have a crush on this person, and I.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
Know that this is what it is it started with violence.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
And so I think up until the time I got
to college, and I had my first boyfriend in high
school and we never had sex, but I learned love
through that person. That was a saving thing for me
before I got to college, where I was like, oh,
you know what I've been through and you never once
made me feel as though I should be ashamed of it.
So that was a teaching lesson for me. Got to
(27:12):
college and then realized, oh, you can enjoy your body
once you've learned to accept that your body is not
just something to be used, it can be something to
be cherished and so or celebrate it. And so for me,
college was a really defining time in my life of
finding out who I was.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Boston is not the best place for a black little
boy at.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
The time, but an amazing place for a college kid
who is experiencing everything new and alone and freedom for
the first time. So that was amazing for me. Boston
taught me that, and then New York and La taught
me what dealing with men was like, uh huh, and
then my relationship to dealing with men and dealing with sex.
(27:54):
I had to figure out the difference between the two
of them.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
What is the difference between the two of them.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
Men are temperamental, drag them. Sex is experiential.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
I don't know if that's the word, but I think
it is, yeah, experiential.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
And I'd rather have the experience more than the headache
of men. And so I and I've been here for
ten years. I figured out what I enjoy and what
I like and what I don't like. So my roster
is small, and it is concise, and it is intentional tee.
(28:31):
And it had been the way for a while my
relationship with sex now after our trip, because I think
I was celibate for maybe a while, like maybe two
years ago. You and I had a conversation. I was like,
I haven't had sex for six or seven months, Yeah,
because I just don't I didn't find the joy in it.
I could have it, but I was like, I'm not
having fun with it. And it didn't mean that I
needed to be in a relationship with someone. It didn't
(28:52):
mean that I needed to be deeply into it. I
just wasn't enjoying it. Yeah, And so I had to
go find out why I wasn't.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
Enjoying What did you discover?
Speaker 1 (29:01):
I went to a sex therapist here in La, Okay,
And we just kind of unpacked what it was for
me that was not turning me on. And I have
found out from that experience that I am someone who
I love a game.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
I love someone who is up for the not the chase,
but the excitement of the give and take.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
Yeah. And most men here in La at least like
to take and can't.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
They're not mature enough to understand that sex doesn't need
to be everything in your life, but it also doesn't
need to be the most minuscule part of your day.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
It should be something that's like fun. This is fun. Yeah,
that sex, the game of sex, the fun of sex,
the pleasure of sex should be at the forefront, not
just penetration. Yeah, not just like when my dicking. You're
not We're not just like a notch on your belt.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
There's so much more to it. Yeah, you can have
sex with me and not touch me.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
Yes, a thousand. But I don't think people understand that
energetic sex. Oh oh my good looking at me for
a cross room? Why are you in me? You know
my soul like this talking.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
About me in front of a group of people and
lifting me up. Yes, And like making talking about how
beautiful you think I am in front of a room
full of people.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
That's sex base sex. Yeah, I will leave.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
This room and kill everyone in the hallway and to
have sex with you.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
Do you understand? How do you think? So there was
a therapist there, and there was obviously the the willingness
to engage with the big questions around your your relationship
to sex. Was there something that was like a real
aha moment, Like was there a real whether it's a
person or a situation where you're like, oh, click, this
(30:37):
works or this is what I'm after?
Speaker 1 (30:40):
Yeah, meeting you, Yeah, to get emotional meeting you and
just from Afar, I mean like we talk all the time,
we talk almost every day, but I started reading the
blog and listening to the stories and actually taking reading
the book and taking the time to understand that it's
there's something to be said. And I know what you
say this all the time. My Angelo quote where nothing
(31:01):
that is human can be foreign to me. You have
it on your body. I know it back and forth.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
It is.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Seeing what has happened to someone who channels you in
such a way helps you free yourself from something. And
so by going and like just watching from Afar and
like you being my friend of me, never being like
I watched.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
But it was for me.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
It's like, you know, it's like it's it's such a
balm to have a visual representation of what getting through
something looks like, you know what I mean. And just
even with just looking at your life, I'm like, good,
that's a thing that you can have, you know, freedom
of self, you know, freedom of expression, freedom of sexual
(31:47):
liberties that don't involve you feeling guilty after everything. And
I think I really needed that because I don't. I'm
a triple arians. I'm a proud bitch every other day girl. Yeah,
you know when that part of my life was so
covered in shame that it was like, well, you're not
going to be able to live fully until you figure
(32:08):
this out. And I'm glad that I knew and had
enough whewithalf of myself to be like, hey, this is
the only thing in your life that's kind of like
throwing you off, and it's throwing everything else off.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
That is first of all, one thank you that my
hope is that living and speaking, that people are able
to want to be curious about their lives. So and
that coming from my best friend is obviously even more meaningful.
I believe that you know the things that we don't
(32:37):
navigate around our sexuality. And it doesn't mean that you
like again, you can be I say, you could be
a sexual and be a hope right Like, it's it's
just the willingness to engage with what do I want?
And our inability to do that, or our fear of
doing that is actually running so many other things. Because
sex really to me, is about your the by that
(33:00):
you're living in. There is you know, like you can
have the nastiest one night stand in a port a
potty somewhere and never see that man or that whirl
or that them again, But there is still something to
me spiritual about you carry it. Yes, it's your body.
It's you're using your body, You're connecting your body again
with you're with one person, a group, by yourself.
Speaker 3 (33:19):
It's all about how are you sitting in this this
this vessel of yours And if you don't know what
brings that vessel pleasure, what brings that vessel joy, what
the boundaries of that vessel is, it shows up in
other areas of your life. And to me, I always say,
if you know how to advocate for yourself. When you
are your most vulnerable, which is naked in a bedroom
(33:41):
with somebody else, then you can step up into that boardroom.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
And command it whatever you needs to. Absolutely, absolutely, it's
so it is such an it's it's an I think
sex gets this wrap of just being you know, I
don't want to say optional, frivolous or like, you know,
it's in after school activity. Yeah, it's like you know,
(34:04):
it's like it's it's not needed, but it actually like
the conversations are actually necessary because it's how you find
your power, It's what empowers you.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
Of course, no, I think a lot of people don't
know their bodies. Oh, when you don't know your body,
it throws your entire equilibrium off.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
I didn't know my body until I started my whole journey,
which my whole journey didn't begin until probably twenty twenty,
maybe like percolating slightly before that, but like really didn't
fully begin to like be intentional about it until twenty twenty.
So like in my thirties is when I really started
having asking questions. But before that, sex was so transactional.
(34:42):
For sure. It was about not about pleasure, but it
was about feeling wanted feeling desired. It was about, oh,
I'm horny, I need to like get this off and
then go back to work. But it wasn't about the experience.
I was temperamental.
Speaker 3 (34:56):
It was more about the temperary all yeah, yeah, and
not not not realizing that there's so much more. And
I think for me poking that bear and like asking
those questions, I discovered that there was nothing wrong with
the fact that I actually did need more that that
it was okay. If I didn't want to be the
bottom or the top who just came and went that.
(35:18):
If I wanted more connection, that was okay. And if
I wanted my roster to be smaller or bigger, like
that was okay. I think that sometimes when you enter
into sexuality because nobody also like it's not our fault,
like no one know. If you're lucky, you might have
a parent or parents who sit you down and really
(35:40):
talk you through it.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
But most of us don't, most of us, not in
the way that is helpful, not in a.
Speaker 2 (35:44):
Helpful way, not beyond like, hey, the dick goes in here,
put a condom on, like you know, get tested, like
beyond me. I feel this way after this here's how
you manage that suffe. Yeah, like there's no there's no
like emotional conversation about it. And that's that's the whole thing, right,
Like everything we talked about sex is like the surface,
it's the beach, but like there's a whole ocean to
(36:06):
be discovered and explored, and it's scary, like the ocean. Y'a, No,
I hate the fucking shit's scary to me. I mean,
I love it, keep it clean, but like I'm not
trying to visit the monsters down there. You know, I'm
not trying to visit Ursula and Ariel and them. But
but you know, it's like, but it is scary, but
(36:27):
like it's worth exploring because the majesty of your body,
the majesty of what sex can can be in one's
life is important. Yeah, it's important. I feel like for me,
my relationship to sex also had to involve my identity,
Like I had to start, which is also why I
think it's important to look at because I had to
(36:47):
understand this male body, what that looks like, what that means,
how people perceive it, how I perceive it, Like what
what unspoken fears or what unspoken beliefs are running this
body or moving this body, my relationship to being non binary,
and so then needing to learn to embrace my femininity
(37:09):
because so much of my early sex was about being masculine,
you know, like being masculine enough to get.
Speaker 3 (37:16):
The guy to fuck you, which is like nuts. And
then also under also understanding what people want from a
black male body, whether whatever race they are, which is
usually masculinity. Like I think that anybody in a black
male body knows that, like, masculinity is so valued and
(37:38):
coveted and expected.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
So boring.
Speaker 3 (37:40):
It's so boring, honey, There's so many more colors to
paint with. But if you are not naturally and there's
nothing wrong with masculinity, but if you're not naturally that then.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
It starts to be trying to play that role, trying
to put something on, and it then ruins it. It
ruins it because then you're not showing up as yourself,
and then I'm then then I'm just having an out
of body experience. I'm able to actually connect, I'm not
how to do this. Yeah, came here to have sex, yes, yeah,
came here to have an experience. And I think over
the years, one being able to talk about it more
(38:11):
and have these types of conversations have made it safer
to explore, you know, and safer to as I explore,
to be like, not every not every experience will be perfect. Yeah,
that's okay, but I can learn from it.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
There's data, of course, there's never nothing's ever going to
be like one hundred percent the time of your life. Yes,
until it is, Until it is, you know, like every
hookup is not going to be that. And don't get
me wrong, masculinity is lovely in the places where it
needs to be sure, But for me, I think leading
with like I'm masculine, I need you to be masculine.
And it's like, well, I told you when we started
this that that wasn't what you were going to get.
(38:43):
I want you to know that when I arrived, that's
not what's going to be there. Please be expectant of
that so that you're not disappointed. Yeah, because what I'm
asking for is what I desire. You should ask for
the same.
Speaker 2 (38:55):
Are you comfy with people saying masks from mask?
Speaker 1 (38:58):
You can say what the fuck you need to say, Like,
I'm the kind of girl ask for what you want. Sure,
I can only give you what I got. I'm not
going to show up to your place like big and
beef and brawn. That's not what I look like. That's
not the energy that I give. There are times throughout
my days where I'm like, Oh, she could definitely go
and play basketball right now, or she can go and
(39:19):
get her fucking hair down and get her nails.
Speaker 2 (39:20):
Absolutely, and I live in both of those daily.
Speaker 1 (39:22):
I switch back and forth every minute on the minute
moved through it does this dick still pipe down T
But that's like that's the thing, but you know what
I mean, Like, I don't want to have to play
the parent trap to get.
Speaker 2 (39:35):
You to be okay with what I'm giving you. This
is what it is HI. And that, to me, though,
is the where because I think anyone, not everyone, but
some people listening, it's like how do I get to that?
And what you are doing is you've taken ownership back
because sometimes I think we try to be compatible with
people and then when we're not, we confuse it with
(39:56):
our worth and suddenly we're not worthy. And it's like
your compatibility and your worthiness or two different things. If
I'm not able to provide the masculinity or whatever it
is for this person. It doesn't mean that something's wrong
with me and now I need to go back and
change myself. It's like, own who you are, what you want,
let them own what they want. And if we meet
in the middle, beautiful. If we don't, I'm still enough.
You're enough.
Speaker 1 (40:16):
And it's also you're I think, getting to this point
in my life, you will lose out on some things
that you want. Sure, getting people that don't want to
experience that, and that's fine, you don't have to be
It's you're just gonna lose out on some people who
don't get to enjoy who you are.
Speaker 2 (40:31):
And that's how I look at it.
Speaker 1 (40:32):
Yes, it sucks, is there are definitely some guys I'm like, oh,
would have loved to have that experience.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
But then it's also like, then you leave the States,
you leave the Saints, Teddy, go on a trip. But also,
no matter what, you make space for somebody who will
see you. Think. I think that, you know, I think
we we we show people how to treat us, We
show the universe how to treat us. And so if
my gripping onto this person who doesn't want me, that's
me saying, well, no one else will want me and
(40:58):
there's no no one else out there, when in reality,
if I let that go, I actually give myself space
to find my match, to find my matches things that
are in alignment. But that's a that's a difficult, it's
difficult spend most of our time worrying about that.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
The moment you stop being in your head about it,
because it chows on you, you walk around with it
on you, you're like, well, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (41:20):
If I should move this way? Yes, yes, space.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
The day that I walked into a room full of
attractive people and was like, this is.
Speaker 2 (41:28):
What it is, miss people are like, oh, that's connect okay,
period period. Because and think about what for y'all listening,
think about when you find somebody attractive. I feel like
what we find the most attractive is the person who
looks free, right, Like, yes, there's like beauty politics, but
that it's like when the when a person walks into
a room and they don't actually want anything in here,
(41:50):
they're just thereselves. They're there to experience their day.
Speaker 3 (41:53):
Yes, and they're having fun, or they're on the dance floor,
they're just or they're they're just being themselves.
Speaker 2 (41:57):
That to me is so fucking attract them. Now, they're
not going to attract every single person. But it's like
be say, be like, save yourself time and be yourself
because if you're not being yourself, you're gonna attract a
whole bunch of shit that doesn't the line because you're
worried about the wrong thing.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
You're worried about what people are worrying about, and no
one's worrying about you.
Speaker 2 (42:14):
Baby.
Speaker 1 (42:15):
They worry about They think about themselves themselves and how
they're standing and how they're looking.
Speaker 2 (42:19):
Don't waste your day doing that. Yeah, you just be
your baby. You be your beautiful ass self and getting
eye baby.
Speaker 3 (42:26):
Drink your water, make sure your piss smells good, brush
your teeth, scrape your to you know, you know, worry
about you, yourself, worry about you, don't worry about these
other motherfuckers worry about makes a difference.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
Yeah, you you glow different. You really glow different when
you start to pour into when you start to ask
yourself what pleases me instead of people pleasing self? Please
like what pleases makes me? Think? What makes me happy?
Doesn't mean that you're going to be you know, uh,
disregard other people's knee When they're your partner. But in
(43:01):
terms of the like the courting or the flirting, it's
like what pleases me? What am I? What am I
attracted to? What brings me joy? I feel like we
ask ourselves more of that instead of and I think
this also is for women in queer folks, instead of
like conforming ourselves to like what the man needs? What
that male gaze? Yeah, g z, it's like, fuck that,
(43:23):
why would I why what? I? Oh, that's tea.
Speaker 1 (43:28):
Don't like put don't do this thing that you put on.
You put people put on masks before they get on dates.
And it's like, I get it. You want to put
your best forward. That makes sense. Show up as yourself.
Show up, Bessie, show up a little bit unraveled, but
show up because there's nothing worse than going on a
day with someone and you being there fully and then
them meeting you forty percent, because then you're like, oh,
(43:50):
I've given I actually am excited for this, and I
don't know if you're here, so I don't know if
I'm meeting you.
Speaker 2 (43:55):
I want to meet you, show and like show up hope, hopeful, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
And also, don't talk about your fucking ex's sorry, sorry,
d three, that's a date three.
Speaker 2 (44:06):
Date four moment yea date one date one. I want
to get to know you and how you like me.
I think you're cute, and where we can go from
this period. I think that's really important. Okay, thank you, baby,
you were here, happy to be here.
Speaker 1 (44:18):
So I'm so happy to have you have a guest
on my podcast. I'm so excited about this and where
this is going to go.
Speaker 2 (44:23):
Okay, have a good day. Thank y'all so much. All right,
well you already know that we're hose here, but hose
with heart, so before you get out of here, let
me speak to yours. I think really today, what I'm
(44:46):
reflecting on is Vincent mentioned one of my favorite quotes
that I learned from my Angelou. But it's the philosopher
Terrence and you, I'm sure you've heard me say it
on here or it's in my book. But Vincent had said,
nothing human can be foreign to me. But the quote
is I am a human being, therefore nothing human can
(45:10):
be alien to me as the exact quote. And I
love it so much because it is such a reminder
that we are all connected to each other and that
whatever you experience, though I may not know it fully,
I can understand some bit of it because we all
(45:30):
are human and we want the same things, to love
and to be loved, to be seen, to belong. All
of us want that, and so that quote just reminds
me that, as doctor Angelo always so beautifully put, you know,
you can understand the hero and the brute. You can
(45:51):
understand those who are the most good, and you can
understand those who are the most corrupt or bad or
whatever you want to whatever you want to call it,
that we are all human, and we all possess the
ability to do good and do not so good. And
so every day you make a choice, You make a
(46:14):
choice to show up as your best self, and I
think you also, for me at least, make a choice
to understand that sometimes when people do things to us,
and context is everything, but sometimes when people react, let's
call it, I can see the things that they're not saying,
(46:40):
the wounds that they're not tending, to the baggage that
they're carrying that they don't even realize they're carrying, and
it allows me to not take everything personally, to remember
that this is another human doing the best they fucking can,
(47:01):
and that the importance of which is why we're even
doing this show the importance of talking about sex and
specifically one's own relationship to it, but even more so
not counting yourself out. I think that we get so
hung up about other people's perception of us, whether it
(47:23):
be our attractiveness or our personalities or you know, our
fucking height or or whatever it is. And I think
that if we can and this is difficult because we
are in an age where you know, if you open
your phone, you're like just inundated with other people's lives
(47:43):
and what they're up to, and it can really have
you compare by default. But as often as we can,
if we can focus a little bit more on ourselves.
And I don't mean that in a selfish way or
in the in the you know, bad selfish, but in
a very good selfish way of like, you deserve attention,
(48:05):
You deserve to give yourself attention, You deserve to be
I always say, life is hard, Life is gonna throw
a lot of shit at you, and so can you
be a soft landing spot? Can you be a respite
for yourself? And that also that of course involves sex
and dating and your sexuality. Sometimes we're the ones who
(48:25):
are not. Sometimes let me speak to myself. I can
be my hardest critic. You know, I'll see a pimple
on me before anybody else will see it, you know,
like I'll pull things apart about myself or or talk
badly about myself. And sometimes it's, you know, trying to
preempt what other people, what I think other people will
(48:46):
be saying. And as Vincent was saying, like anybody worrying
about you, you worry about you. And when you do,
do it with love, with tenderness, with softness, Empower yourself,
careful about what you're seeing, saying to yourself, what are
your thoughts. If you notice that those thoughts are bad
or negative, or that you're being a bully to yourself,
(49:08):
choose something different. Pivot you know, and sooner or later
that pattern will shift. You will rewire yourself, and hopefully
your default won't be to bully yourself or to think
less of yourself, but to actually, genuinely, fully, with every
fiber of your being, to love yourself. You deserve that love.
(49:29):
You deserve love period, but you deserve it from yourself. First,
I love you. And finally, since recording this episode, Vincent
and I recorded this when we got back from Madrid,
so sometimes in like August, but in that time, Vincent's beautiful, wonderful, incredible, generous,
(49:53):
sweet loving mother passed away and so this so it
is dedicated to her. Some of you know from the
last merch drop, the specifically I Love You hoodies and
Tea's portion of those proceeds were donated to pan CAN,
(50:14):
which is an organization dedicated to supporting families and people
with and wrestling with pancreatic cancer. We will put the
link in the show notes, So if you would like
to donate directly to pan CAN, you can, And to
(50:35):
miss Valerie, we love you always. All right, I gotta
get out of here, but you can find Vincent on
Instagram at Vincent b I n C I n T.
A no E in there, honey. You know they don't
got no e in there, Okay, So at Vincent v
I n C I N T. You can find me
(50:57):
on Instagram as well at Brandon Kyle Goodman. You can
find our podcast at tell Me Something Messy, and you
can join our community on the Messy Monday's substack. When
you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts recommendations on sex and
self and so much more. Also, I want to hear
from you, so send your topic ideas, your messy stories,
(51:17):
your submissions, your game ideas to tell Me Something Messy
at gmail dot com. You can also call us at
six six nine sixty nine Messy That is sixty six
nine six ninety six three seven seven nine, Rate review
and share this podcast with all your HOE and aspiring
HOE friends. Really really helps the show out, all right,
(51:40):
Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick
before you make it spit, make sure they eat the
kitty before they beat the kitty, before fuckation or succation communication.
And in case you haven't heard it yet, today you
are so deeply loved. I love you, Bie. Thank you
so much for listening to tell Me Something Messy. If
(52:02):
you all enjoyed the show, send the episode to someone
else you might like it. Tell Me Something Messy was
executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly.
Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts
from iHeartRadio and The Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app
or anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.
I'm going to give you a little exclusive here that
I've never talked about anywhere else. Yes, my relationship with
sex started with trauma, and so for me, sex for
a very long time was a dangerous thing.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Yeah. It is taking a very.
Speaker 1 (00:15):
Very long time and a lot of self reflection and
therapy to understand that sex could be something to be enjoyed.
Speaker 2 (00:24):
Yeah, And you know what we do here destroy shame
around sex by talking about sex. Now, let me tell
you something messy. All right, y'all. I did it. I
fucked in a porta potty. Now listen, listen. If you
know me, you know that. Uh, I'm really against it.
(00:47):
Porterbody doing asty? Where's the shit going? And shit stays
in there and people be trying to fuck You know,
when people get the nerve to fucking a porter potty
at the party is usually when the party has been
going on for quite some time, and so there's a
lot of things in that porta potty and I'm not
really trying to get fucked or fuck in there. But
when I went away, the porta potties are very nice
(01:09):
in other countries. By the way, I don't know if
y'all knew this. I think I think y'all. Did I
think those of you who aren't in America did know this,
and you've you've impressed this upon me. But I didn't
believe you. And I finally saw it, and they're lovely,
pristine cleaning. I don't know if they're cleaning it in
the middle of the party, but every one I went
into was just so so fresh, not calling a porter
(01:33):
potty fresh, but they were fresh. I mean they were
fresh and so so I you know, I said, well,
you know, let me have a new experience. I fucked
in a couple of porta potties and and it was wonderful. Now,
the the logistics of it, I never was over the toilet,
do you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
There's that space between the closing of the door. There's
a little bit of space where like the where like
the little sink is and then the toilet, right, So
I was never My hands weren't over the toilet.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
They were over the sink, you know, saying. So we
would do it from the side. It was like if
you opened the porta potty door, you would see us
from a profile position, right, you wouldn't see the back
of us. Just because I still didn't you know one,
I don't because you got the you got your phone,
got your things. I don't want nothing to fall into
(02:27):
as fresh as it is, not trying to fish nothing
out that ball. You understand what I'm saying. So it
was always a profile and it was lovely and it
actually happened to be enough space, you know, because that
was the other thing, like, yeah, you know, it's like
you're fucking in a closet. But it was fine. It
was a good vibe. You could hear them music outside blaring.
(02:48):
I really quite enjoyed it. I would give it a
seven out of ten. You know, would I do it again?
I would, Yeah, I would say yes, yes, I would
do it again. I want to say know, but I
also know myself and with enough to killo shots, the
answer will be yes, enough to killer shots, and that
that may look at me any kind of way. It's great.
(03:09):
I was a bit of a hoe, which is to
be expected in that at the party, there were a
few gentlemen who caught my eye and and you know
when they did to the bathroom, bitch, I'm French, now, okay,
(03:30):
come on all right, by the way, welcome to the show.
Tell me something messy. I'm your host, Brandon K. Goodman.
Some people call me Bessie mother. You can call me
porta pussy. Oh my god, this show, this show. But
that's March. Okay, that's that's March. All right. Let's get
this show started. Baby. You know what that means. It
(03:52):
is time for a guest. Now, while they get situated,
we'll get our messy. Key key started with a whole
manifest Repeat after me aloud or in your head. Grant
me the serenity to unpack my shame, the courage to heal,
the wisdom to know that sex is not just about penetration,
the audacity to advocate for my pleasure and boundaries, the
(04:15):
strength to not call my ex that fuck boyfuck girl,
or fuck they, for it is better to masturbate by
myself in peace than to let someone play in my
motherfucking face. Let the community say, holuvia, I am so
excited to have pop goddess and one of my besties
(04:36):
on the show, Vincent. Vincent is a multifaceted artist renowned
for their powerful vocals, captivating performances, and distinctive style. Vincent
continues to push the boundaries of pop music from their
twenty twenty EP The Feeling, and their twenty twenty two
debut album, There will Be Tears, featuring the viral hit Higher,
(04:58):
which features Alex Newell also get Away with Tiegan and Sarah.
Vincent has been performing across the globe from television spots
on The Today Show and Samantha Be to Coachella and
Sydney Marty gra twenty twenty four will begin their new era,
which will include new songs featuring Betty Who, Adam Lambert
(05:19):
and more. Y'all please help me welcome Vincent, Hello, Hello,
you sing a song now? You don't know not where
you are yet? Sing a song now? I will send
okay sing our theme song? Will you just sing? Tell
me something messy and then we're gonna just make that
(05:40):
into a thing.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
Now, go ahead, tell me something mercy.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
Yes, I don't get the royalties. Will I'll take you
out to Photo Ruckers or something that was actually really good.
You should do that. You should do that. We might,
we might, but we also might get somebody else to
do it. Anyway, Thank you so much for having me
on the pod today. I had a blast, which is great.
(06:09):
You gotta get out, Hey, baby, Hi, I love you
so much. Well, I get it. I understand that. I'm
so glad you're here. I'm happy to be here. I
haven't seen you. I don't know when this will come out,
but I'm so I haven't seen you like this since
we got back from uh from a worldwide excursion.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
Yeah trip, my god, I thought I was dead for
a week and a half.
Speaker 2 (06:36):
It was rough, it was. We were quite busy. Yeah
we were. I saw you girl, and I saw you there.
It is, yeah, all right, anyway, my family listens to this. Okay, Now,
a few messikiki guidelines. Vincent things get to be unprocessed.
(07:00):
Any thoughts or opinions shared have the right to evolve, shift,
or change today, tomorrow, ten years from now. And this
is important. If during the ki ki something feels too
personal or unintentionally offends, we use the safe word fool's ball,
which gives a chance to pause and address accordingly. Sound good, baby,
love that all right? So baby, we like to start
(07:21):
with a lou breaker here. Gotta have it, gotta have it.
So we're gonna play a little round of smash or pass.
So I'll tell you something and you'll tell me if
you would smash it or if it's a hard past.
He sounds good to here, smash your pass having your
whole spit on smash.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Yeah, it's just like what are you doing back there?
If not, what are we doing? What are we doing?
Speaker 3 (07:43):
Well?
Speaker 2 (07:43):
Yes, but also trying to get to know it, I mean,
talk about it. Here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
I have had good experiences with it and bad experiences
with it.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
Where what are the bad experiences?
Speaker 1 (07:52):
I've had a guy fully spit on my health and
it just was like, Oh, you don't like drink water?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
Do you know what I mean? Do you know what
I mean? You know the difference, you know the difference,
and you know what I mean, and you know you
know what I mean. Don't talk to me like hey,
you know what I mean?
Speaker 1 (08:07):
And you know you've experienced those girls and you're like, hey,
get from back there.
Speaker 2 (08:10):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
And then there are girls who are like, oh, you've
you're trained at this.
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Yeah, you're a connoisseur, You're you're a trained girl. I am.
I am first in the language of but a lingus, Okay,
I really need but a lingus. Thats okay, It's it's
(08:35):
getting worse. See, I feel like I'm the unhingerele on
this show because it is my show. But then you're
here and you're out unhinging me. It's it's very funny
because I'm just answering questions. It's crazy as if I
am hinged. Okay, I love it. Well, I do know
that you drink your water. So yes, smash a smash
of past sex in a porter potty. It's a past.
(08:58):
It's a past.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
I have had a ma and try to do that
at a festival and I said, honey, there's a dovet
of shit in here.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
What are we doing? What are we doing?
Speaker 1 (09:11):
But but theties we use, the porta parties we used
in Madrid were oh sure, stunning.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Now that is okay, that is fair, That is fair place.
Because so this is this is a constant debate on
messy Mondays, which is that people talk about having sex
and porta potties and I always go, that's disgusting. Let's
have a little bit of standards. But my understanding is
that outside of America, the porta potties are kind of
very not There.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Were people peeing in the streets into into beautiful porta
pines with art on them were gorgeous, and they were
out in the open and I was like, oh.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
This is this is why y'all fucking the porta poties.
You love yourselves and your people and you treat them well. Yes,
whereas here I don't know you were performing. But at
the West, the West Hollywood Pride, where the porta potties
and the urinals were, by the end of day one,
the grass it's self was a puddle of shit. Ship.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
Nobody was shitting on the grass, but it was like
the standing urine because to save time, there are now
those standing urinal where you just step up to it
and p but the people were missing it, I guess,
And so like the grass was filled with pea and
it was just.
Speaker 2 (10:19):
It's just not we're not doing it right here. I
don't think we're not doing it right.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
And it showed so much. It smelled beautiful in London
and there are people peeing.
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Outside and then I realized drinking their water. Well, we're
not doing well. Yeah all right, so sex, so sex
and a porter potty is a past past. But if
we are abroad and those different different girls okay, snash pass,
wax poured on you, pass, talk about it.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
I'm a girl who believes in all form of pleasure
if anything reminds me of slave trauma, yeah yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Yeah, yeah, no, and then we're gonna talk about it.
Because here's the thing.
Speaker 1 (10:59):
If I'm lay that uncomfortable, you've given me a massage,
there are rose puddles around my head, Luther's in the bag,
no too much.
Speaker 2 (11:07):
And a hot piece of wax hits the back of
my neck.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
I need you to know something about me, Babe, Babe,
something in my head is gonna click, and I'm gonna
get a slash of maussage and I'm gonna hit.
Speaker 2 (11:19):
I don't understand why it's why it's being poured on
the back of your neck. To begin with, why is
it being poured on me? To begin with? Well, I well, well,
hopefully okay. First of all, hopefully if you have wax
being poured on you, there was a conversation beforehand, you
would hope like, yes, like, don't surprise me with some wax,
because yeah, I'll fight you, of course, right. Yeah. But
(11:41):
but if somebody were to say, hey, I would like
to you know, this is a kinky thing, would you
You'd still be against. I didn't buy that yky candle
poured on me. I didn't buy that for that. What
if the wax turns into like massage oil, it doesn't.
Speaker 3 (11:53):
Okay, okay, there are wax, there are, but there are
some candles that you like and they turn into a
massage or.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Anyway massage yourself. Yeah, I don't. Well, for me, it
is a well, I don't want to say. It's real
freaky bitch. You can say smash, baby, say smash. That's okay,
it's a smash. Judge. Okay, thank you, thank you face.
Well that's the game, babe.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Crazy to end on that crazy.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
And you win what you always win here at tell
me something messy, which is my unconditional love. I'd rather have.
Speaker 3 (12:28):
Careful, careful hush, there we go there, all right, babies,
if you.
Speaker 2 (12:37):
Have any prompts. Don't like this basically, honey, you can
email us it tell me something messy at gmail dot com.
That that's what I'm trying to say. Vincent, can you
tell me something.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
Messy, something messy, something messy.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
And I know you a messy bitch, so come on,
I could tell your.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
Business something messy, will cut and suddenly.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Something messy.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Okay, I guess we can go to Madrid. I mean
you know, we went to a party there. It was
called we.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
Something went to a party. Oh got it? I was
alone in Madrid.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
I went to a party and for the first time
in my life had fun with multiple partners at once
at the same time at the same time.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
That's what once. That means. Thank you? How was that
for you? It was so much fun? Now, let me
ask you this before that, were you curious about multiple
partners at once like a group orgy situation or did
you have like any kind of responses or reactions? We're like, oh,
(13:52):
I don't actually ever want to do that, Like, well,
you know me, I barely want to be touched, so
but I hope you really do. Almost every time I
try to get back.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
But it's I told you before we start our trip,
what I wanted to experience on this trip was sexual freedom,
and I wanted to let my afroid iity out and
to kind of find her again. And so that was
my plan going into it and not thinking that this
would be the outcome of it, but really unbridling myself
to the possibility of what that trip could be for
me in a sexual way was really really freeing. So
(14:24):
I think during it, I was like, I think at
one point I started laughing to myself because I was like,
what's happening here?
Speaker 2 (14:29):
What's happening here? What have you done? Who are you?
Speaker 1 (14:33):
But it was just so it was so intoxicatingly refreshing
that I was like, Oh, this is what your life
could be like.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
Yes, you know, not every day, but it is if
you want you There are some dolls here that every day,
every single time I don't have the time or the time,
I just don't. She's got it was so.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
It was just that part of myself I had not
been able to experience, and as I get older, I'm
I would rather look back on my life and be like, Wow,
you probably shouldn't have done that, but you did.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
I want a story.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
Chaer said that on stage yet I think she was
seventy five, and she's like, don't I wish that I
would have done some of the crazy things that I
thought about doing. And I'm like, cool, I want to
feel that way because me missing out on things has
become the paramount of my days and that's crazy.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
We can't do that. No. Yes, I actually reposted that
clip of her where she's like, I wish I did
more things, and she's like, I was pretty bad. But
like I wish I would have done was worse? Yeah,
was worse. Who was gonna judge me?
Speaker 3 (15:33):
Come on?
Speaker 2 (15:34):
Because when you are and well, we can get into
this later. But like when you are, like I feel
like when I'm like in my eighties or my nineties
hopefully one, I'm still fucking if I want to. But
I will look back over my life and I don't
want to say I wish I did that, I wish
i'd done that, or why didn't I try that orgy?
Or why didn't I try that thing? You know, destiny fulfilled.
That's what I want, period, What I want destiny fulfilled
and loving it. You know that was the name of
(15:56):
the tour, right just even it was sponsored by because
nothing has ever.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
More than the three of them singing it in the studio,
Beyonce going I'm loving it.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
Those were good times, miss it. I missed that time
in music when McDonald sponsored Like, everyone's still looking McDonald,
come on, clip pop start here. All right, Well, let's
get into some messy mail. Okay, So it is time
for messy mail, where I will read out messy patron
stories and submissions. As always, your submissions remain anonymous. Now
(16:35):
one of your submissions will be my messy pick for
a messy key key, which is a more in depth
convo with my guest. Let's get into it. This one says,
as a new bodey owner, someone that hasn't done anal since,
is it good for before and after? Do you have
a be day? I don't have a day. I know
(16:56):
that you have a day. I am. I talk about
it as much as I can. Every toilet in the
apartment has a day attachment too, especial because you have
two I do. I do carry I actually do. I
have multiple bathrooms in my apartment. Of two bathrooms, you're jealous.
I can feel it. So each of them has a day.
(17:18):
It's a tissue bedet. If you look up tous, she
look up toussu be day, so she will give you
some some foreign but I got them for hemorrhiates. Actually
that tracks really it falls out of you. Yeah, we're
in the studio today, girl, get out. Okay. The next
(17:40):
one says, uh, sucking your guy's dick. He spit on
my face and I threw up in my mouth, but
I didn't stop. I don't like spit. Hm hmm. That's real.
We talked about spit and you don't mind spitting your whole?
Do you mind spit in your face? In your mouth?
Here's the thing, talk about it.
Speaker 1 (17:58):
I am a stickler out mouths, mainly because I get
word about getting sick and things like that. Sure someone
that I can't you know? And then I'm like too much.
People have smelly spits. Sometimes we're getting into it, we're
talking about it. Tell me I can understand it, because
there are some Here's the thing, it varies, it varies,
and I can also understand this person's issue. You know,
(18:21):
if I'm doing something that involves me hitting my gag
reflex often, and then you do something that I don't
think is attracted, it immediately makes you want.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
To Yeah, lunch understood. I don't mind it if I
know your mouth is cleaned. And how do you know
the mouth is clean because you've issed it first? No, No,
I've made you brush your teeth. That's real, which I
will say. I just you know, whoever needs to hear this.
I think it's important to brush your teeth before.
Speaker 3 (18:47):
Any any anything, but especially a sexual engagement. I think
that you know, we shower and we brush our teeth.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Now, listen and scrape your tongue and scrape your tongue
metal scraper, not plastic one. With the spit of it all.
I will say, before you spit on somebody, you should
actually make sure they like that stuff, because yeah, some
people don't like spit, and that's fair. This person didn't.
The throwing up in the mouth. Have you ever thrown
up in your mouth? People tell me that they've sometimes
(19:16):
thrown up in their mouth when they gag on a penis,
and I experienced it in London for the first time.
I could.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
I could say that it was only a little bit,
but I I have not been on the I have
been the cause. Oh yeah, I have been the cause,
but not the receiving end of it. And you have
to be careful of things like that because I'm a communicator,
thank you, during sex.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
So it's like, this is where we're gonna go. Yes,
be aware of that. Yes, are you comfortable with that? Yes,
this is the journey fair. I think it's tough it
can be to this was how what happened. I was
on my bed and so like my head is hanging off,
which is already like that's already professional. They like, you know,
(20:03):
you're already like that's advanced deep throat and the dick
was a sizable dick and then he like slid it
into my uh, which you know, the angle of it
allowed it to really get in there. But then it
was just like I felt like a gag and then
like a little bit of but I swallowed that ship
back down. And you know why I swallowing down because
(20:25):
you messy patrons have told me swallowed your throat, And
I said, well, that's what I do in this moment.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
You just because I think in your head you're like,
I don't want to run the moment. It was also
kind of hot, like it's like it's kind of hot,
but also like there's a cleanup involved me to come,
you know.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
And some some guys are like they like are proud,
They're proud, they're proud.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
I on the other hand, I'm like, I know that
you're not happy because now your throat's burning.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Okay, So okay, that's that's a fair point.
Speaker 3 (20:53):
This wasn't I think it's like is it throw like
has like but then there's like just like a little
bit of spits a little.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Spit of little little acid from the stomach. He had
no food, like no chunky.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
It's just your body being like, oh yeah, this is
I'm just gagging and this is it went far enough
for it to be like let me just like get
it out so you can breathe.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
Yes, just like you.
Speaker 1 (21:11):
It's your body trying to save your life from the
horse things that you're doing.
Speaker 2 (21:14):
Is what's happening your body. Your body's like, say you're
at you get him out of us. We're dying. Yes,
that hanging off the bed. There's no way proud proud
of myself. Okay. Uh this one says I eloped with
my ex who's twenty years older, and none of my
family knows. So what's the question.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
Maybe you got away with it, you, I guess, I
guess what's the question there?
Speaker 2 (21:43):
I don't think there is a question. I think it's
just like a thing, a messy thing they did. You know.
I'm actually not concerned with the elopean. I'm not even
concerned with the you know, the age gap, like you know,
a thirty year old with a fifty year old work, Yeah,
work if that, like you know, but the the ex
of at all. I feel like there's a reason you
didn't tell your family.
Speaker 1 (22:03):
Yeah, I mean like well, I mean of course if
they're twenty years older than you, I think there's a
bit of like fear of judgment from the family of
how old the partner may be. It's eloping always to
me is like this is for us, I wouldn't do
this for us, But it also has the opposite side
where it's like I don't need other people love in this.
Speaker 2 (22:19):
You know, it's it's it's it's it's for you.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
And I think if you feel good with that, yeah,
that's okay. If you feel as though at some point
in your life your family's going to be open to
meeting this person and this partner, that's fine too.
Speaker 2 (22:31):
Yeah, but you don't have to you know what I
would say, because this is probably a good distinction, like
with family, depends on what your relationship to your family is.
But if you're not telling like your bestie, do you
know what I'm saying, Like, if they're the people who
are like really a reflection to you, who will really
tell you, maybe that's some wild doing. This is crazy
or like people who can be like your truth barometer
or or your I think I heard somebody say like
(22:53):
truth counsel. Yeah, if you're not telling them, like if
I gotta if I eloped and didn't tell you like
that is like both done by something you find us.
You would find us, I know you would, but that
to me would be a flag. But you know, if
your family is not really your your your people, then
you know do you?
Speaker 1 (23:13):
I mean, yeah, there's no you don't have to explain yourself.
And I think it's it sounds like you're excited about
it and you wanted to get it out and that's amazing.
Speaker 2 (23:20):
So congratulations, I guess that's right. Congratulations. You know you
told someone, and I think that's a beautiful thing. You found.
Love you with someone, You're happy? Fuck them? Fuck them?
Wow in every sense, So I love that's great advice.
Fuck them. This one says, uh, went to my went
to Miami to grieve a divorce and got spit roasted
(23:42):
by two Danish guys. Really calms a bitch down. For
those who don't know. Spit roasting essentially, Uh, there's one
person in the middle, and then somebody is fucking you
and your anus or volva, and then and there's also
the world sex happening somewhat like an Eiffel Tower, like
(24:03):
a few hower.
Speaker 3 (24:03):
Yeah, yeah, I think the Eiffel Tower happens if if
the two people in the end holding hands.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
When they hold hands, it's an Eiffel tower. If they're
not holding hands, it's a spit roast. Right. Community. Yeah,
this singularity absolutely community, hands up down. I want to
say congratulations. I want to say congratulations too. I love
that for you. What a powerful thing to do.
Speaker 3 (24:26):
Absolutely, I'm going I'm finalizing my divorce and then to celebrate,
I'm gonna let I'm gonna just let these two people rail.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
Me and I say the N word on here is
that I'm gonna let these niggas have And I think
that's great.
Speaker 2 (24:40):
That's it's great. I think that's wonderful.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
What a wonderful thing to do for yourself, to be
so done with a part of your life that you're like, hey,
this was what it was, and I'm out of that now.
Let me remind my body and my mind that what
I want I can.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
Have absolutely and step into your freedom and your liberations.
What a time for her? Hey, they yes? Hopefully my goodness.
Never you girl gets my show. I'm taking a back
(25:19):
you ready for the messy thing? Girl? The question is
what has been and is your relationship to sex. That's
a big question.
Speaker 3 (25:28):
But okay, we got time, and also, like can we
start here. Actually, so Vincent and I are both black,
queer and non binary, and so I think that will
also influence what that relationship is as well.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
I'm going to give you a little exclusive here that
I've never talked about anywhere else. Yes, my relationship with
sex started with trauma, and so for me, sex for
a very long time was a dangerous thing. It is
taken a very very long time and a lot of
self reflection and therapy to understand that sex could be
(26:08):
something to be enjoyed and not something to run away from.
When I was six, I lived in an apartment building with
my mother and my aunt and my cousin and a
boy who lived there would always just be sexually aggressive
and needs similar in age, I believe in like nine
or ten, and for whatever reason, one night decided to
(26:29):
take it a step too far and I was hurt
during it. And so that was my first initiation into
sex as a thing and not like flirtation or liking
or that fun thing that happens when you're like I
have a crush on this person, and I.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
Know that this is what it is it started with violence.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
And so I think up until the time I got
to college, and I had my first boyfriend in high
school and we never had sex, but I learned love
through that person. That was a saving thing for me
before I got to college, where I was like, oh,
you know what I've been through and you never once
made me feel as though I should be ashamed of it.
So that was a teaching lesson for me. Got to
(27:12):
college and then realized, oh, you can enjoy your body
once you've learned to accept that your body is not
just something to be used, it can be something to
be cherished and so or celebrate it. And so for me,
college was a really defining time in my life of
finding out who I was.
Speaker 2 (27:30):
Boston is not the best place for a black little
boy at.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
The time, but an amazing place for a college kid
who is experiencing everything new and alone and freedom for
the first time. So that was amazing for me. Boston
taught me that, and then New York and La taught
me what dealing with men was like, uh huh, and
then my relationship to dealing with men and dealing with sex.
(27:54):
I had to figure out the difference between the two
of them.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
What is the difference between the two of them.
Speaker 1 (27:59):
Men are temperamental, drag them. Sex is experiential.
Speaker 2 (28:06):
I don't know if that's the word, but I think
it is, yeah, experiential.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
And I'd rather have the experience more than the headache
of men. And so I and I've been here for
ten years. I figured out what I enjoy and what
I like and what I don't like. So my roster
is small, and it is concise, and it is intentional tee.
(28:31):
And it had been the way for a while my
relationship with sex now after our trip, because I think
I was celibate for maybe a while, like maybe two
years ago. You and I had a conversation. I was like,
I haven't had sex for six or seven months, Yeah,
because I just don't I didn't find the joy in it.
I could have it, but I was like, I'm not
having fun with it. And it didn't mean that I
needed to be in a relationship with someone. It didn't
(28:52):
mean that I needed to be deeply into it. I
just wasn't enjoying it. Yeah, And so I had to
go find out why I wasn't.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
Enjoying What did you discover?
Speaker 1 (29:01):
I went to a sex therapist here in La, Okay,
And we just kind of unpacked what it was for
me that was not turning me on. And I have
found out from that experience that I am someone who
I love a game.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
I love someone who is up for the not the chase,
but the excitement of the give and take.
Speaker 2 (29:20):
Yeah. And most men here in La at least like
to take and can't.
Speaker 1 (29:26):
They're not mature enough to understand that sex doesn't need
to be everything in your life, but it also doesn't
need to be the most minuscule part of your day.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
It should be something that's like fun. This is fun. Yeah,
that sex, the game of sex, the fun of sex,
the pleasure of sex should be at the forefront, not
just penetration. Yeah, not just like when my dicking. You're
not We're not just like a notch on your belt.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
There's so much more to it. Yeah, you can have
sex with me and not touch me.
Speaker 2 (29:51):
Yes, a thousand. But I don't think people understand that
energetic sex. Oh oh my good looking at me for
a cross room? Why are you in me? You know
my soul like this talking.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
About me in front of a group of people and
lifting me up. Yes, And like making talking about how
beautiful you think I am in front of a room
full of people.
Speaker 2 (30:09):
That's sex base sex. Yeah, I will leave.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
This room and kill everyone in the hallway and to
have sex with you.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
Do you understand? How do you think? So there was
a therapist there, and there was obviously the the willingness
to engage with the big questions around your your relationship
to sex. Was there something that was like a real
aha moment, Like was there a real whether it's a
person or a situation where you're like, oh, click, this
(30:37):
works or this is what I'm after?
Speaker 1 (30:40):
Yeah, meeting you, Yeah, to get emotional meeting you and
just from Afar, I mean like we talk all the time,
we talk almost every day, but I started reading the
blog and listening to the stories and actually taking reading
the book and taking the time to understand that it's
there's something to be said. And I know what you
say this all the time. My Angelo quote where nothing
(31:01):
that is human can be foreign to me. You have
it on your body. I know it back and forth.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
It is.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Seeing what has happened to someone who channels you in
such a way helps you free yourself from something. And
so by going and like just watching from Afar and
like you being my friend of me, never being like
I watched.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
But it was for me.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
It's like, you know, it's like it's it's such a
balm to have a visual representation of what getting through
something looks like, you know what I mean. And just
even with just looking at your life, I'm like, good,
that's a thing that you can have, you know, freedom
of self, you know, freedom of expression, freedom of sexual
(31:47):
liberties that don't involve you feeling guilty after everything. And
I think I really needed that because I don't. I'm
a triple arians. I'm a proud bitch every other day girl. Yeah,
you know when that part of my life was so
covered in shame that it was like, well, you're not
going to be able to live fully until you figure
(32:08):
this out. And I'm glad that I knew and had
enough whewithalf of myself to be like, hey, this is
the only thing in your life that's kind of like
throwing you off, and it's throwing everything else off.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
That is first of all, one thank you that my
hope is that living and speaking, that people are able
to want to be curious about their lives. So and
that coming from my best friend is obviously even more meaningful.
I believe that you know the things that we don't
(32:37):
navigate around our sexuality. And it doesn't mean that you
like again, you can be I say, you could be
a sexual and be a hope right Like, it's it's
just the willingness to engage with what do I want?
And our inability to do that, or our fear of
doing that is actually running so many other things. Because
sex really to me, is about your the by that
(33:00):
you're living in. There is you know, like you can
have the nastiest one night stand in a port a
potty somewhere and never see that man or that whirl
or that them again, But there is still something to
me spiritual about you carry it. Yes, it's your body.
It's you're using your body, You're connecting your body again
with you're with one person, a group, by yourself.
Speaker 3 (33:19):
It's all about how are you sitting in this this
this vessel of yours And if you don't know what
brings that vessel pleasure, what brings that vessel joy, what
the boundaries of that vessel is, it shows up in
other areas of your life. And to me, I always say,
if you know how to advocate for yourself. When you
are your most vulnerable, which is naked in a bedroom
(33:41):
with somebody else, then you can step up into that boardroom.
Speaker 2 (33:44):
And command it whatever you needs to. Absolutely, absolutely, it's
so it is such an it's it's an I think
sex gets this wrap of just being you know, I
don't want to say optional, frivolous or like, you know,
it's in after school activity. Yeah, it's like you know,
(34:04):
it's like it's it's not needed, but it actually like
the conversations are actually necessary because it's how you find
your power, It's what empowers you.
Speaker 1 (34:12):
Of course, no, I think a lot of people don't
know their bodies. Oh, when you don't know your body,
it throws your entire equilibrium off.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
I didn't know my body until I started my whole journey,
which my whole journey didn't begin until probably twenty twenty,
maybe like percolating slightly before that, but like really didn't
fully begin to like be intentional about it until twenty twenty.
So like in my thirties is when I really started
having asking questions. But before that, sex was so transactional.
(34:42):
For sure. It was about not about pleasure, but it
was about feeling wanted feeling desired. It was about, oh,
I'm horny, I need to like get this off and
then go back to work. But it wasn't about the experience.
I was temperamental.
Speaker 3 (34:56):
It was more about the temperary all yeah, yeah, and
not not not realizing that there's so much more. And
I think for me poking that bear and like asking
those questions, I discovered that there was nothing wrong with
the fact that I actually did need more that that
it was okay. If I didn't want to be the
bottom or the top who just came and went that.
(35:18):
If I wanted more connection, that was okay. And if
I wanted my roster to be smaller or bigger, like
that was okay. I think that sometimes when you enter
into sexuality because nobody also like it's not our fault,
like no one know. If you're lucky, you might have
a parent or parents who sit you down and really
(35:40):
talk you through it.
Speaker 1 (35:41):
But most of us don't, most of us, not in
the way that is helpful, not in a.
Speaker 2 (35:44):
Helpful way, not beyond like, hey, the dick goes in here,
put a condom on, like you know, get tested, like
beyond me. I feel this way after this here's how
you manage that suffe. Yeah, like there's no there's no
like emotional conversation about it. And that's that's the whole thing, right,
Like everything we talked about sex is like the surface,
it's the beach, but like there's a whole ocean to
(36:06):
be discovered and explored, and it's scary, like the ocean. Y'a, No,
I hate the fucking shit's scary to me. I mean,
I love it, keep it clean, but like I'm not
trying to visit the monsters down there. You know, I'm
not trying to visit Ursula and Ariel and them. But
but you know, it's like, but it is scary, but
(36:27):
like it's worth exploring because the majesty of your body,
the majesty of what sex can can be in one's
life is important. Yeah, it's important. I feel like for me,
my relationship to sex also had to involve my identity,
Like I had to start, which is also why I
think it's important to look at because I had to
(36:47):
understand this male body, what that looks like, what that means,
how people perceive it, how I perceive it, Like what
what unspoken fears or what unspoken beliefs are running this
body or moving this body, my relationship to being non binary,
and so then needing to learn to embrace my femininity
(37:09):
because so much of my early sex was about being masculine,
you know, like being masculine enough to get.
Speaker 3 (37:16):
The guy to fuck you, which is like nuts. And
then also under also understanding what people want from a
black male body, whether whatever race they are, which is
usually masculinity. Like I think that anybody in a black
male body knows that, like, masculinity is so valued and
(37:38):
coveted and expected.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
So boring.
Speaker 3 (37:40):
It's so boring, honey, There's so many more colors to
paint with. But if you are not naturally and there's
nothing wrong with masculinity, but if you're not naturally that then.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
It starts to be trying to play that role, trying
to put something on, and it then ruins it. It
ruins it because then you're not showing up as yourself,
and then I'm then then I'm just having an out
of body experience. I'm able to actually connect, I'm not
how to do this. Yeah, came here to have sex, yes, yeah,
came here to have an experience. And I think over
the years, one being able to talk about it more
(38:11):
and have these types of conversations have made it safer
to explore, you know, and safer to as I explore,
to be like, not every not every experience will be perfect. Yeah,
that's okay, but I can learn from it.
Speaker 1 (38:22):
There's data, of course, there's never nothing's ever going to
be like one hundred percent the time of your life. Yes,
until it is, Until it is, you know, like every
hookup is not going to be that. And don't get
me wrong, masculinity is lovely in the places where it
needs to be sure, But for me, I think leading
with like I'm masculine, I need you to be masculine.
And it's like, well, I told you when we started
this that that wasn't what you were going to get.
(38:43):
I want you to know that when I arrived, that's
not what's going to be there. Please be expectant of
that so that you're not disappointed. Yeah, because what I'm
asking for is what I desire. You should ask for
the same.
Speaker 2 (38:55):
Are you comfy with people saying masks from mask?
Speaker 1 (38:58):
You can say what the fuck you need to say, Like,
I'm the kind of girl ask for what you want. Sure,
I can only give you what I got. I'm not
going to show up to your place like big and
beef and brawn. That's not what I look like. That's
not the energy that I give. There are times throughout
my days where I'm like, Oh, she could definitely go
and play basketball right now, or she can go and
(39:19):
get her fucking hair down and get her nails.
Speaker 2 (39:20):
Absolutely, and I live in both of those daily.
Speaker 1 (39:22):
I switch back and forth every minute on the minute
moved through it does this dick still pipe down T
But that's like that's the thing, but you know what
I mean, Like, I don't want to have to play
the parent trap to get.
Speaker 2 (39:35):
You to be okay with what I'm giving you. This
is what it is HI. And that, to me, though,
is the where because I think anyone, not everyone, but
some people listening, it's like how do I get to that?
And what you are doing is you've taken ownership back
because sometimes I think we try to be compatible with
people and then when we're not, we confuse it with
(39:56):
our worth and suddenly we're not worthy. And it's like
your compatibility and your worthiness or two different things. If
I'm not able to provide the masculinity or whatever it
is for this person. It doesn't mean that something's wrong
with me and now I need to go back and
change myself. It's like, own who you are, what you want,
let them own what they want. And if we meet
in the middle, beautiful. If we don't, I'm still enough.
You're enough.
Speaker 1 (40:16):
And it's also you're I think, getting to this point
in my life, you will lose out on some things
that you want. Sure, getting people that don't want to
experience that, and that's fine, you don't have to be
It's you're just gonna lose out on some people who
don't get to enjoy who you are.
Speaker 2 (40:31):
And that's how I look at it.
Speaker 1 (40:32):
Yes, it sucks, is there are definitely some guys I'm like, oh,
would have loved to have that experience.
Speaker 2 (40:36):
But then it's also like, then you leave the States,
you leave the Saints, Teddy, go on a trip. But also,
no matter what, you make space for somebody who will
see you. Think. I think that, you know, I think
we we we show people how to treat us, We
show the universe how to treat us. And so if
my gripping onto this person who doesn't want me, that's
me saying, well, no one else will want me and
(40:58):
there's no no one else out there, when in reality,
if I let that go, I actually give myself space
to find my match, to find my matches things that
are in alignment. But that's a that's a difficult, it's
difficult spend most of our time worrying about that.
Speaker 1 (41:14):
The moment you stop being in your head about it,
because it chows on you, you walk around with it
on you, you're like, well, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (41:20):
If I should move this way? Yes, yes, space.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
The day that I walked into a room full of
attractive people and was like, this is.
Speaker 2 (41:28):
What it is, miss people are like, oh, that's connect okay,
period period. Because and think about what for y'all listening,
think about when you find somebody attractive. I feel like
what we find the most attractive is the person who
looks free, right, Like, yes, there's like beauty politics, but
that it's like when the when a person walks into
a room and they don't actually want anything in here,
(41:50):
they're just thereselves. They're there to experience their day.
Speaker 3 (41:53):
Yes, and they're having fun, or they're on the dance floor,
they're just or they're they're just being themselves.
Speaker 2 (41:57):
That to me is so fucking attract them. Now, they're
not going to attract every single person. But it's like
be say, be like, save yourself time and be yourself
because if you're not being yourself, you're gonna attract a
whole bunch of shit that doesn't the line because you're
worried about the wrong thing.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
You're worried about what people are worrying about, and no
one's worrying about you.
Speaker 2 (42:14):
Baby.
Speaker 1 (42:15):
They worry about They think about themselves themselves and how
they're standing and how they're looking.
Speaker 2 (42:19):
Don't waste your day doing that. Yeah, you just be
your baby. You be your beautiful ass self and getting
eye baby.
Speaker 3 (42:26):
Drink your water, make sure your piss smells good, brush
your teeth, scrape your to you know, you know, worry
about you, yourself, worry about you, don't worry about these
other motherfuckers worry about makes a difference.
Speaker 2 (42:41):
Yeah, you you glow different. You really glow different when
you start to pour into when you start to ask
yourself what pleases me instead of people pleasing self? Please
like what pleases makes me? Think? What makes me happy?
Doesn't mean that you're going to be you know, uh,
disregard other people's knee When they're your partner. But in
(43:01):
terms of the like the courting or the flirting, it's
like what pleases me? What am I? What am I
attracted to? What brings me joy? I feel like we
ask ourselves more of that instead of and I think
this also is for women in queer folks, instead of
like conforming ourselves to like what the man needs? What
that male gaze? Yeah, g z, it's like, fuck that,
(43:23):
why would I why what? I? Oh, that's tea.
Speaker 1 (43:28):
Don't like put don't do this thing that you put on.
You put people put on masks before they get on dates.
And it's like, I get it. You want to put
your best forward. That makes sense. Show up as yourself.
Show up, Bessie, show up a little bit unraveled, but
show up because there's nothing worse than going on a
day with someone and you being there fully and then
them meeting you forty percent, because then you're like, oh,
(43:50):
I've given I actually am excited for this, and I
don't know if you're here, so I don't know if
I'm meeting you.
Speaker 2 (43:55):
I want to meet you, show and like show up hope, hopeful, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
And also, don't talk about your fucking ex's sorry, sorry,
d three, that's a date three.
Speaker 2 (44:06):
Date four moment yea date one date one. I want
to get to know you and how you like me.
I think you're cute, and where we can go from
this period. I think that's really important. Okay, thank you, baby,
you were here, happy to be here.
Speaker 1 (44:18):
So I'm so happy to have you have a guest
on my podcast. I'm so excited about this and where
this is going to go.
Speaker 2 (44:23):
Okay, have a good day. Thank y'all so much. All right,
well you already know that we're hose here, but hose
with heart, so before you get out of here, let
me speak to yours. I think really today, what I'm
(44:46):
reflecting on is Vincent mentioned one of my favorite quotes
that I learned from my Angelou. But it's the philosopher
Terrence and you, I'm sure you've heard me say it
on here or it's in my book. But Vincent had said,
nothing human can be foreign to me. But the quote
is I am a human being, therefore nothing human can
(45:10):
be alien to me as the exact quote. And I
love it so much because it is such a reminder
that we are all connected to each other and that
whatever you experience, though I may not know it fully,
I can understand some bit of it because we all
(45:30):
are human and we want the same things, to love
and to be loved, to be seen, to belong. All
of us want that, and so that quote just reminds
me that, as doctor Angelo always so beautifully put, you know,
you can understand the hero and the brute. You can
(45:51):
understand those who are the most good, and you can
understand those who are the most corrupt or bad or
whatever you want to whatever you want to call it,
that we are all human, and we all possess the
ability to do good and do not so good. And
so every day you make a choice, You make a
(46:14):
choice to show up as your best self, and I
think you also, for me at least, make a choice
to understand that sometimes when people do things to us,
and context is everything, but sometimes when people react, let's
call it, I can see the things that they're not saying,
(46:40):
the wounds that they're not tending, to the baggage that
they're carrying that they don't even realize they're carrying, and
it allows me to not take everything personally, to remember
that this is another human doing the best they fucking can,
(47:01):
and that the importance of which is why we're even
doing this show the importance of talking about sex and
specifically one's own relationship to it, but even more so
not counting yourself out. I think that we get so
hung up about other people's perception of us, whether it
(47:23):
be our attractiveness or our personalities or you know, our
fucking height or or whatever it is. And I think
that if we can and this is difficult because we
are in an age where you know, if you open
your phone, you're like just inundated with other people's lives
(47:43):
and what they're up to, and it can really have
you compare by default. But as often as we can,
if we can focus a little bit more on ourselves.
And I don't mean that in a selfish way or
in the in the you know, bad selfish, but in
a very good selfish way of like, you deserve attention,
(48:05):
You deserve to give yourself attention, You deserve to be
I always say, life is hard, Life is gonna throw
a lot of shit at you, and so can you
be a soft landing spot? Can you be a respite
for yourself? And that also that of course involves sex
and dating and your sexuality. Sometimes we're the ones who
(48:25):
are not. Sometimes let me speak to myself. I can
be my hardest critic. You know, I'll see a pimple
on me before anybody else will see it, you know,
like I'll pull things apart about myself or or talk
badly about myself. And sometimes it's, you know, trying to
preempt what other people, what I think other people will
(48:46):
be saying. And as Vincent was saying, like anybody worrying
about you, you worry about you. And when you do,
do it with love, with tenderness, with softness, Empower yourself,
careful about what you're seeing, saying to yourself, what are
your thoughts. If you notice that those thoughts are bad
or negative, or that you're being a bully to yourself,
(49:08):
choose something different. Pivot you know, and sooner or later
that pattern will shift. You will rewire yourself, and hopefully
your default won't be to bully yourself or to think
less of yourself, but to actually, genuinely, fully, with every
fiber of your being, to love yourself. You deserve that love.
(49:29):
You deserve love period, but you deserve it from yourself. First,
I love you. And finally, since recording this episode, Vincent
and I recorded this when we got back from Madrid,
so sometimes in like August, but in that time, Vincent's beautiful, wonderful, incredible, generous,
(49:53):
sweet loving mother passed away and so this so it
is dedicated to her. Some of you know from the
last merch drop, the specifically I Love You hoodies and
Tea's portion of those proceeds were donated to pan CAN,
(50:14):
which is an organization dedicated to supporting families and people
with and wrestling with pancreatic cancer. We will put the
link in the show notes, So if you would like
to donate directly to pan CAN, you can, And to
(50:35):
miss Valerie, we love you always. All right, I gotta
get out of here, but you can find Vincent on
Instagram at Vincent b I n C I n T.
A no E in there, honey. You know they don't
got no e in there, Okay, So at Vincent v
I n C I N T. You can find me
(50:57):
on Instagram as well at Brandon Kyle Goodman. You can
find our podcast at tell Me Something Messy, and you
can join our community on the Messy Monday's substack. When
you subscribe, you'll get weekly posts recommendations on sex and
self and so much more. Also, I want to hear
from you, so send your topic ideas, your messy stories,
(51:17):
your submissions, your game ideas to tell Me Something Messy
at gmail dot com. You can also call us at
six six nine sixty nine Messy That is sixty six
nine six ninety six three seven seven nine, Rate review
and share this podcast with all your HOE and aspiring
HOE friends. Really really helps the show out, all right,
(51:40):
Until next time, ask about the politics of that dick
before you make it spit, make sure they eat the
kitty before they beat the kitty, before fuckation or succation communication.
And in case you haven't heard it yet, today you
are so deeply loved. I love you, Bie. Thank you
so much for listening to tell Me Something Messy. If
(52:02):
you all enjoyed the show, send the episode to someone
else you might like it. Tell Me Something Messy was
executive produced by Ali Perry, Gabrielle Collins, and Yours Truly.
Our producer and editor is Vince Dejohnny. For more podcasts
from iHeartRadio and The Outspoken Network, visit the iHeartRadio app
or anywhere you subscribe to your favorite shows.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com