April 9, 2025 • 43 mins
This week Amber and Lacey are joined by standup comedian and best-selling author Michael Ian Black! The trio dives into humorous family stories, shares their love for impromptu songs, and debates the merits of different seasons. They also navigate your dilemmas in Sister Court!
Want advice answered on the show? Write to Amber&Lacey: AmberAndLaceyAdvice@gmail.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Come on, come on and gather around and listen to
the best podcast in town. It's The Umber Lacy Lacey
an Amber Show.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Oh are you still doing it? Wow? That was for you.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
I like the extra saz Hey, everybody, welcome to the
Amber and Lacy Lacy and Amber Show. I am somehow
both Amber and Lacy Welcome.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Lacy. Is your microphone up enough? I can't hear you?
Is it up enough? Okay? All right, you know what?
Never mind?
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Okay, Yeah, I was about to say, I think it
is making songs out of anything.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
It has to stop. A song got anything? Damn it
does sound good, sounding good. Now you want the rest?
I gotta have, And now you want the rest. Guys,
this is our life. You come to our you come
to our house. That's all we're doing. Singing. It's pretty.
(01:06):
It's pretty.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
It's either exactly your shit you run screaming from it,
or you're like, why why are they doing this? Yeah,
if you're the type of person to ask why we
can't we can't be friends, We're not for you. Do
you remember when our brother Jimmy brought his girlfriend. We're
not going to say her name, but she's very, very quiet.
And he brought her to Christmas. And as people were
(01:30):
coming in the door, Mom's dressing them. She's giving them
like spangled suspenders and ties and Christmas hat. Everything is sequenced.
And so she comes in. Do we dress her up?
Because she wasn't jazzy enough for Christmas. You can't come
into our house with a T shirt on, some jeans, no,
no green. We dressed her up. Then she sat in
(01:51):
the corner and all we did was like reenact musicals,
sing Christmas songs, and she was like so miserable. She
sat in the corner, just looked at us, and we're
like this business time.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
Yeah, that's our family.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Visit us.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
She had a very bad time. I felt so bad
for her.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
I mean, every once in a while, it's just so
rare to meet a quiet person in my life. I
just never meet any quiet people. So anytime I do,
I'm like, what's your problem?
Speaker 2 (02:23):
Why are you?
Speaker 3 (02:23):
Like?
Speaker 1 (02:24):
What's your deal? I don't like this, I really don't.
It's not nice. But I don't like quiet people. I
think I think something's wrong with them, when what's wrong
with them is politeness. I don't have that have whatever
the opposite of politeness is bidiness.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
I have bidiness, a little bity. You're a little bidy.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Yeah, I'm a little rowdy. Okay, now everyone knows now
everybody else.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
I know you real right, Lucy.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
I've had quite a week. How's your week? My week
has been spectacular? Oh what happens?
Speaker 4 (03:04):
You know?
Speaker 2 (03:04):
It's jazz time, patio jazz time. That's all. That's all
my life's gonna be. This summer, the weather's getting nicer.
I've gotten one year older, which really transversed about ten years.
I mean, I'm really out there.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
The other day my daughter, I was going to store
with my daughter and she goes, you're you're gonna wear that?
Because I had on a blue outfit and I put
on a black sweater. She was morrified, and I go, listen,
this is you in thirty years. You're not gonna care. Yeah, yeah,
does this jacket go with my own?
Speaker 4 (03:37):
No?
Speaker 2 (03:37):
It doesn't. You can put blue and black together.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Now, when you were younger, you wouldn't have theared, you
wouldn't have done that black and blue. No, she guilted me,
But I don't care. You wear black and blue just
so people know how they gonna get beat.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Say something, Say something to you about this.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
You might not be wearing black and blue, but you
will be black and blue. Yeah, guys, we love talking trash.
That's that's what we're truly do. Okay, so protect Joe, Nick,
I love you.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
What is going on? Yeah, we're really really bad. I see.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
I'm glad you had a good week. It got a
little hot, and now I'm excited to be free because
you know, though what, I'm sorry that I love winter.
No one, it's in Yeah, love stupid and bad. Winter sucks,
summer rules. Winter sucks. The second I can, I'm moving
(04:38):
to La I gotta live there. I've had it. You
really leaves don't know what color they are changing all
the time on the tree.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
I hate it. It is it is.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
I love a good snowstorm. I love if someone says
it's gonna storm right now and it's Nebraska.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
It could did snow a little last week. I love it.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Love love a good snowstorm. Left the hunker down with
a sweater and put some wood on the fireplace. We're
good in my house. Right now, at seventy four degrees,
I'm freezing. I hate it. I can't live like this.
Any temperature you are dressed for snow weather, any temperature
below eighty I don't want to be a part of
(05:20):
I want to be pretty hot all the time.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
No, no, sorry.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
If there were no hurricanes, I would live on an island.
You would, now I would have to learn how to
sweam either, because I don't know how Lacy, can you
take speaking absolutely? You know I'm a master swimmer. Oh, listen,
is that a thing my master doesn't say master?
Speaker 2 (05:43):
I just saw.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
The most terrifying thing in the world. Because you know,
I have not been on a cruise, but I'm not
opposed to going on a cruise. I have certain rules,
like I need to be where there's a balcony. I
can't just be locked in a box. I'm very claustrophobic.
I don't want to be around children. There's some rules
that I'm gonna I don't want to go to all
(06:08):
your shows.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
I don't want to do all that.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
I just want to chill and just be looking out
into the water. I guess there's certain cruises that are
in certain areas of the world that the captain comes
on and says, everybody in their room, lock your door
and turn the lights off because of pirates.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
No thank you. I need to.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
You need to tell me that happens before I get on.
You need to be like you might. Then I'm gonna
turn around and get my money back. I'm turn around.
That's right, No fucking way, what is worth that? Yeah,
I'm not fleeing a country. I'm not trying. What is
going on that would make you go on a cruise
that you have to turn the lights on and they're like, oh,
(06:54):
this cruise they do it every time when they're hit
the certain area.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
They do it every time.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
And pirates have boarded some of the crews and they're like, yeah,
they bored, but we've got enough security. Stop it because
one day you're not going to have enough security if
they can get on the boat. I have a problem. Yeah,
I didn't know this was going on like that. No,
that should make the news every time a pirate boards.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
No, not doing that. I hate it. That's terrible. That's terrible.
To get me, you get me. I I'm not doing that.
I'm not going through that.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Do you know.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Saying that?
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Also, what happened to that actor? Remember there's like a
one hit wonder. We loved that man loved it. They
got him off the streets. Like I don't think he
was acting. They just found him, right, dare they the
story him aside like this? You know what, I'm gonna
write something. I'm gonna cast him in it.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Okay, do that? Please? Thank you?
Speaker 1 (07:52):
He needs a job. Yeah, I wonder how he was
to work with. Okay, guys, I have to make some
phone calls, so we don't have time. We don't have
time for this, okay, but you know what, we do
have time for Michael ian Black. He is my coworker
and best friend. I love him so much. He is
(08:14):
really poorly behaved, just terribly behaved.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
He be terrible.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
I mean the stuff we edit out of this show,
you wouldn't fucking believe it. This guy's on one hand constantly.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
But I like it.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
That's why we're Mitch made in Heaven. So he's our
guest today on the Amber and Lacy Lacy and Amber Show.
I hope you have fun because I plan on it.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
See you after this break.
Speaker 5 (08:37):
Well we bye.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Hey everybody, we're back with the second act. Yes I
call them acts. Get over yourself. The Lacy Lacy and
Amber Show. Today's guest is my brother in television. It's
Michael leam Black. He's a new Well. He can be
my brother because his last name is black. He's a
New York Times bestselling author and stand up comedian. You
(09:15):
can see him every Saturday on CNN's Have I Got
News for You? Welcome Michael to my computer.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Also accomplished actor?
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Oh sorry, accomplished actor, stand up comedian, bestselling author. Guys,
I'm sorry he has too many accomplishments.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
So me an accomplished actor.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Wow, I feel like you told her to do that.
I'm as chef.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Wow, I guess I.
Speaker 4 (09:50):
Mean we prefer the term celebrity chef. Famous chef is
fine if you're.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Not in a lot of titles. Yeah, Michael, how are you?
Speaker 5 (10:01):
Uh?
Speaker 3 (10:02):
What do you mean? I just want to answer that question.
What do you mean? How am I?
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Who are you? I'm saying this should be easy.
Speaker 4 (10:11):
It's not.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
It's never easy. How am I? I don't know? Do
you want?
Speaker 4 (10:14):
I don't know in what aspect? What psychosocial aspect are
you referring to?
Speaker 1 (10:19):
I guess i'm emotionally yeah, fine, because you seem agitated?
Speaker 4 (10:25):
Fine, can we just move on? I'm fine, it turns
the whole thing. I'm fine, you guys.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Okay, geez oh it's time for us to do the
therapy session.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Oh maybe I don't know. I don't know. I'm just watching.
Speaker 4 (10:44):
I'm I'm actually in a good mood because I don't
know what's wrong with me. But whenever the stock market
totally collapses, it makes me happy. Yeah, I have money
in the stock market. I'm cheering on my own financial demise.
You are, And yet every time this happened, doesn't matter
(11:07):
who's president. Every time this happens, my thought is, ooh,
how low can it go? How how much can it
possibly crash? I'm exciting. I'm a child to this, but
I love it, and I suspect I'm not the only one.
But nobody else wants to admit it, that they that
they're cheering on the collapse.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Do you think you're an agent of chaos?
Speaker 4 (11:28):
I think I might be, and you work with me,
so I suspect you could confirm that.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
I think you are. I know for a fact, I am.
You know the alignment chart, the D and D alignment chart.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
I'm right in the middle. Chaotic neutral, You're.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
Chaotic, nutral, I be chaotic.
Speaker 5 (11:45):
Good.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
Oh that's good.
Speaker 4 (11:47):
But everybody who thinks they're chaotic everybody who actually is
chaotic evil probably thinks they're chaotic good.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
Yeah, I would, well, oh no, because I think everybody
who thinks they're chaotic evil is chaos neutral. I mean
I mean that the other way around, because I think
you think you're a little better than you are, so
you're really chaotic evil, but you say you're chaotic neutral,
which would make me chaotic evil, and that would make
(12:14):
you chaotic neutral.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
What about Lacy?
Speaker 2 (12:17):
I lay Lacey's a hundred per sense of Slytherin. Slytherin.
We're both Slytherin and that's real.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Michael, Okay, what are we really supposed to be doing
for once in this fucking podcast. We're going to do
what's on the list, all right, and I'm not messing around.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Michael. Hello, how are you? Oh that's nice, you're very natural.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
Thank you the list?
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Michael? Wait, you got into down today?
Speaker 4 (12:55):
I got into town. What's today? Thursday? Yesterday?
Speaker 3 (13:00):
Jeez, Louise I did an event.
Speaker 4 (13:02):
I was talking to some NYU students about show business.
I was trying to amber and lazy. Plus they gave
me two hundred and fifty dollars.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
Ooh, that's what it's all about. These tariffs are coming.
We need no, that's.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Right, you got there before I did.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Sorry, it's natural for me.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
Comes out all the time. Okay, Tonight last night you
had kind of a show. Tonight you have a show,
and then tomorrow night you have another show.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
I do. And don't make me rank the shows.
Speaker 4 (13:43):
Which is the most important to me, which is the
most vital, because I don't play favorites like that.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Oh I wasn't going to, but then you said it,
and I kind of have. Now you have to.
Speaker 4 (13:53):
Tonight I'm doing an event for Indivisible, which is a
democratic organization in your neck. And when I say, Nika,
it's literally in your town. I'm coming to your town.
That's right, Okay, And not you, not you lazy, I wouldn't.
I don't love democracy enough to go to Nebraska.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
But do not come here. There's no there's nothing for
you here. Don't like Damla said, do not come.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
Did she say that?
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Remember when she said that to immigrants, do not come?
Do not come?
Speaker 5 (14:26):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (14:27):
And then smorrow night is our TV show, yay, which
is the most important and my favorite.
Speaker 3 (14:32):
Of the three.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Yay. Suck it democracy?
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Oh I mean democrats, Yeah, democrats.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Now they are already busy sucking it.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Yeah, that's mostly what you do.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
It's it's not their fault. That's just how it goes. Okay,
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
Well, we can assign them some blame.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Yeah, you're right, we can assign them somewhere.
Speaker 4 (14:59):
Yeah, what is this podcast about? Because it seems very
ill organized?
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Well, I mean, it isn't ill organized, but we're not
going to do it.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
We're told to do ever, right, I.
Speaker 4 (15:11):
Mean, because you seem you seem like you're struggling a
little bit to even think of things to ask me,
which is weird to me because yeah, we work together
and I feel like we're friends.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
You don't know shit about me. You can't, You couldn't think.
Speaker 4 (15:27):
You couldn't think of a single question to ask beyond
how are you?
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Yeah? So so Michael you tall? What's that about?
Speaker 3 (15:38):
Did you?
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Did?
Speaker 1 (15:40):
You already said you were going to be brutal? Amber
said you were going to be brutal, brute.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
I like it.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
H Yeah, I'm waiting for the interview to tell what
are we doing?
Speaker 2 (15:49):
You have a hoodie? Arm listen? Is that your only one?
Speaker 4 (15:55):
I have a travel I have a travel wardrobe, and
the hoodie is is it important element of it?
Speaker 3 (16:02):
And had you been paying attention And I don't know.
Speaker 4 (16:04):
I'm not saying that you weren't, but had you been
paying attention to me last week? When I walk into
work this week, you will see me wearing essentially the
same outfit. And over the previous season when I walked
into work, I was often wearing the same outfit, which
was white jeans and a white sweater.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Yes he did. This man has never had a period.
That's a bold statement.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
White jeans and you don't know me.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
I'm sorry, right, I don't know how many periods. Michael ahead.
Speaker 3 (16:45):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (16:45):
While it's true that I don't mention it, that is true.
Once a month out of solidarity, I puncture my own
scrotum and just let.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
This is sweet for real? Baby like it? I like it.
I love chaos. I mean that should be clear. Michael
Ley and Black.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
I was like, what is this podcast?
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Like?
Speaker 4 (17:12):
What is this podcast? Thank you for so far as
I can tell, this is what I've observed so far.
Do all the talking, and then Lacy occasionally chimes in
on a phone.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
No, it's.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Today is probably the craziest one because I had to
start off on my phone.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
Things have been fixed a little bit. As you can see.
I'm off the phone, but still on the phone.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Listen up, this is real. Okay, this is a part
of it. Mm hmmm, Michael ian Black.
Speaker 4 (17:50):
Is it going to be?
Speaker 3 (17:51):
How are you?
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Is that?
Speaker 3 (17:51):
What's going to come on your mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
We've got hard hitting questions.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Yeah, Michael Ian Black. What's your favorite story you like
to tell about your career?
Speaker 3 (18:07):
This may end up being it.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Oh, we're so bad, but we cannot helpe it. Okay.
Speaker 4 (18:18):
You often have guests, Well it's just the two of
you hanging out, chit chatting, but this nude you have
guests normally.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
Yeah, Interview is the wrong word for you to have
ever used. I don't know that we've ever interviewed. I
interview anybody around.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
I just I just now. Then I'm prepared. That's fine.
Speaker 4 (18:42):
Now, I know that, And I won't I won't expect questions.
I won't expect thoughtfulness.
Speaker 3 (18:49):
I expect I'm just here for the ride at this point.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Yeah, you know those podcasts where they interview you about
your life.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
We don't really, we don't do that.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
I don't care.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
No, you're here, you're alive, we see you. Okay, Michael,
this is real. Okay.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
Wait, I have a cough and I've had it for
like weeks. Am I gonna die? How long can you
have a cough before you die? Is it doing damage
in my body? I'm serious?
Speaker 3 (19:19):
How persistent is your cough?
Speaker 1 (19:21):
It's only a teeny bit. It's like I have to
clear my throat all the time.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
You have a little tickle in your You're gonna die?
Speaker 3 (19:28):
Is blood? Wait?
Speaker 4 (19:28):
Hold on?
Speaker 3 (19:29):
Let me does blood come out? Does it spatter.
Speaker 4 (19:33):
Onto a white handkerchief that you then that you then
hide from all prying on? No?
Speaker 3 (19:41):
Yeah, that's the wrong answer.
Speaker 4 (19:43):
You are going to You're gonna die?
Speaker 2 (19:47):
No, I don't wanta it's.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
One of those subtle dying coughs you've got.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Oh shit, Yeah, I guess I'd like to leave everything
to Michael.
Speaker 4 (19:59):
Thanks, But I mean you'll probably might say, I mean,
I don't think you need to like panic too late.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
Make it the end of business day, I would say,
You'll be fine.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
I'll be I might make it to the end of
this podcast, and that's it.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
Great. What are all the pictures behind you?
Speaker 4 (20:14):
I know this is an audio only podcast, but what
are all the pictures behind you?
Speaker 2 (20:18):
Thank you? For asking.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
This is the like seventies black child alphabet, So like
PS for me, P is for proud, S is for soul, sister,
M is for me. B is for beautiful, and it's
a little black girl. She's AOK cute as for afro
and it's a mommy with an afro. And that's how
(20:40):
you learned your alphabet in the seventies. For Malcolm X, No, No,
it was oh, sorry you're learning, was it?
Speaker 2 (20:50):
I don't know. I only took the good letters and
put him out because all was for old. I was like,
get the fuck out of here. And it was an
old lady not much older than us, and I was
like wow, and I look at that shit.
Speaker 4 (21:02):
Were there any that were like sort of of questionable taste?
Speaker 1 (21:07):
I feel like old was pretty mad. Yeah, but I
don't know. I don't remember the bad ones. I took
them out and I might have thrown them away. I
don't know. But ain't shit in my house. I don't
like decorating. Is your house full of crap?
Speaker 3 (21:22):
Well, you know, my wife's an interior designer.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
So oh, that's right, your house is full of.
Speaker 3 (21:28):
It's a little bit. I wouldn't say it's crap.
Speaker 4 (21:31):
But it's maybe got more crap in it than I
would have in my house if I could ever unload her.
Speaker 2 (21:37):
Do you have like a thing that's like do you
have like little like like choch keys?
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (21:44):
I was hoping you're going to use the word chotchkey.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
He couldn't spell it.
Speaker 4 (21:49):
Yeah, tchoh c tchoh tchk E.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
I think I could be wrong about that.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
What that's crazy?
Speaker 3 (21:59):
It is it's a Yiddish word.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
It's not right.
Speaker 3 (22:02):
I'm gonna look it up right now. I'm gonna crank
up your shot.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Yeah, oh my god, you're right. Well, good job.
Speaker 3 (22:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (22:14):
I wouldn't say we're a chotchkey heavy family, but we
have our share. Sure, nick knacks, brick brac.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
Gigauze ambers against all of that. I know she told
me that she has nothing none.
Speaker 4 (22:30):
I think enough time has passed that this won't upset
anybody who might be listening. And you can also edit
it out if if you do. But on our first
day of have I got news for you. Our production company,
hat Trick Productions, British company, sent a huge, lovely basket
of Fordingham and Leason tea products, a wicker basket and
(22:55):
gorgeous basket. It's full of hundreds of dollars, probably worth
Fortenham and Mason deliciousness. Amber was furious that they would
dare to send her a very very nice present because
she was like, what am I going to do with this?
How dare these people? I'm gonna have to get rid
(23:15):
of all this stuff? She was fuming because of this
gorgeous gesture that they had made on her behind.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
I just don't like stuff.
Speaker 3 (23:24):
What a fucking diva.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
I didn't know why I would love it because I
get all of her stuff. Hey, everyone, this is the
Amber Lacy, Lacy and Amber Show. We got Michael Liam Black.
We're going to a break and we'll be back right
after this. Can you believe how fast that break was?
Speaker 2 (23:53):
Oh my god?
Speaker 1 (23:54):
Neither can I Welcome back to the Amber and Lacy,
Lacy and Amber Show. Our guest today is Michael Liam Black.
And those of you who are just tuning in, Lacey's
having all kinds of problems. Michael and Amber are enjoying themselves.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
It's just me observing me.
Speaker 4 (24:12):
It feels like a missed opportunity because I feel like
I know Amber never met Lacey, and that's that's She
was the primary reason I decided.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
He called me earlier and was like, I can't wait
to do this podcast, and I was like, hey, they're Michael,
it's gonna be now.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
It feels a little bit like.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
You guys were talking without me every day. We talked
every day four o'clock.
Speaker 4 (24:38):
This is a this is a daily habit of ours.
But we've never we've never seen each other. It's always
been over the.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Phone, never seen each other.
Speaker 4 (24:47):
I'm excited for this opportunity and it really just feels like.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
We never FaceTime. We're like, let's just keep this a surprise. Yeah, So.
Speaker 3 (25:00):
You guys do this podcast come out? Is it every week?
Speaker 2 (25:03):
It's every week?
Speaker 4 (25:05):
And other people? Do you stream it live? Are there
people watching live?
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Oh? No, no one's watching live. No one's watching this
mess live.
Speaker 4 (25:16):
Because you tell respond in the chat and I didn't
know if you meant the audience or just your producer.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Oh you're right, you were mislet and you're right if
you're deceived. But Amber, yes, you are going to have
to read the sister Court, my sister court.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
But first I have a question for Michael.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
I have a question.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
Oh yes, Sister Court, is a thing that we're going
to do after I asked you a question. Oh sorry, Lacy, Lacy,
you answer the question. And that's racism, okay, Sister Quarters.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Where people write in and ask us to solve all
their all this all their problems in their lives, and
we solve them.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
We just send him one small fee. That's rights. It
does cost money to get y'all wrote given out advice
for free.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Yeah, that's fair, we do. Michael, I want to know
if you've ever been fired?
Speaker 3 (26:16):
Oh yes, when?
Speaker 2 (26:18):
And why? Am what?
Speaker 3 (26:19):
It was kind of devastating action.
Speaker 4 (26:21):
No, oh yeah, I think this is the only time
I've ever been fired. I got a telephone call to
come be in an animated movie called Finding Nemo, and
I was like, really, I get to be in a
Pixar movie. And they were like, yeah, they want you
to play this part in Finding Nemo. And so I
(26:43):
go into record and it's the part of Crush the
Turtle and they were like, yeah, he's like a surfer
turtle and he's like a Keanu Reeves. And I remember
the director thought literally said this he goes and so
of course we thought Michael and Black and I thought,
and I literally thought they did. They confuse me with
(27:03):
somebody else, like why am I here? And so I
was like, I was like, yo, yeah, totally, yeah, no, obviously,
if you want a surface the guy, you call clearly.
So I do the recording and I thought it went well.
I don't know. And then a few months later I
(27:26):
get a call saying, yeah, they cut the character, so
you're not going to be in the movie anymore. And
I said, oh, that's terrible. Then the trailer came out
and I was like, well, hold on a second, he's
in there, and I and listening to the Turtle. I
honestly couldn't tell if it was my voice or not,
And it turns out it wasn't. It was the director's
(27:47):
voice that they he just replaced me with him.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
And that's racism. That's racism. Can you give us, give us.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
A line, come on, reach out and give us crushing.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
Hop on my shell? Dude?
Speaker 3 (28:10):
Yeah, not bad? Right, Okay, you did it.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
I think you were cast correctly. You were a fucking
ninja turtle. You're the guy.
Speaker 3 (28:19):
Thank you? Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
For years, I did you wrong.
Speaker 4 (28:23):
I was excited because I had a baby. I had
a little baby boy at the time, and I was
like he's going to grow up.
Speaker 3 (28:28):
In his dad.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
Just lie and tell him at you anyway, that's true?
Speaker 4 (28:34):
No, I did, obviously good. He also he also thinks
I'm woody from a toyster.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
Oh oh see ha ha.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
But I did tell my nieces and nephews that I
was the Pink Power Ranger.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
They believed it. Yeah, sure, yeah, let's do it. Hey, everyone,
welcome to Sister Court. Sister courd is where.
Speaker 1 (28:58):
You guys have written in at Amber and Lacyadvice at
gmail dot com and you've asked for our advice why
because you love getting yelled at. Amber will present one side,
Lacy will present the other side. But nothing, None of
that matters. The only thing that matters is Judge Michael
Ian Black. He'll deliver the final verdict. Let's start case
(29:20):
number one. Ben, what do you do when you go
to a party and the host says no gifts please.
Every time someone says to not bring gifts, it seems
like half the people invited bring gifts anyway, and I
feel like a cheap asshole. Should I start bringing gifts
in this case? Or should I just not feel embarrassed? Okay,
(29:41):
that's a great question. Lacy how does it make you
feel well.
Speaker 4 (29:44):
I've already ruled. I gotta wait for these I gotta
wait for you.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
Ask you to hear both you do you do? I
mean you could rule now and we could do it backwards.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
This is your thing. I've heard. You got to you
gotta hear both sides. Sids are really importantly. They're lying.
They want you to bring a gift. They're lying.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
Bring a bottle of wine. I always bring a bottle
of wine. I always bring a bottle of wine because
you're gonna be the only one they're standing. And if
someone bought a pony, some diamonds, bring bring a bottle
of wine.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
You're safe. You're safe.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
They want something. People are liars and they want you to.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
You would be like, oh my god, he told you
to bring anything, Sarah.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
No one's ever slapped your face when you walked in
and brought your gift. They light up when they see
that bad they light up. So they're lying. People are lying.
Makes them seem like they're, you know, above everyone else,
and that they're do good ors. They don't they want
that gift. Okay, Amber, go.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
Ahead, counterpoint, don't bring shit to my fucking house. I
hate shit in my house. Don't bring it over here.
You bring me something, I'm sending it home with someone else.
Don't bring stuff for me to put in my house.
There's a plenty of stuff in here. Cut it out,
keep it at home. I don't need stuff.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
If I needed stuff, i'd be working instead of having
a party.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
Stop it, he judge Black.
Speaker 4 (31:03):
Okay, I've carefully weighed both arguments, and I've come to
a determination. And the determination is that Amber is choosing
to make this all about herself.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
This isn't about you, thank you. This is about the
generic question.
Speaker 4 (31:24):
If a hoe says do not bring a gift, should
I bring a gift? And Lacy, I am persuaded by
your argument that people are liars and they do want
a gift. However, I am going to have to rule
in favor of amberside because while people are liars, we
(31:45):
should not be rewarding their lies. So if you tell me,
do not believe that's what, asshole, I'm not bringing a gift.
And if you don't like that, then don't say don't
bring a gift. In fact, I would prefer it if
you said, please a gift, so I know exactly what
your expectations are. But if I show up and I'm
the only one who didn't bring a gift to your party,
(32:09):
and there's the pony, and there's the diamonds and there's
endless crates of wine, I'm thinking to myself, I'm this
person's only real friend because I read the goddamn invitation
and respected it.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
Yeah, that's case. The verdict is devil.
Speaker 3 (32:31):
I wanted to I had a pen. That was the
best I could do.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
Yeah, that sounded good though you Case number two, Dude,
my neighbor keeps baking me treats and I can't eat
them all. For context, my neighbors elderly, so I'll help
her once in a while when I can, taking out
the trash, cleaning up around her yard, et cetera, as
(32:55):
a thank you show as makes me a pyr cookies
or something like that. The problem is I'm pre diabetic,
so I can only have small bits at a time.
I don't want to be wasteful or seem ungrateful toward
her kind gestures, but I can't have all these treats.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
What should I do? Lacey? What do you think this
is stupid? You just said you're pre diabetic? Why would
you even eat that shit? Stop it? Tell them no,
that's how you do it. Tell them, I'll die if
I take a bite out of this. If they still
give it to you, throw it in the trash and
tell them that you ate it.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
I don't do you. Why do you care so much
about this elderly neighbor? She about to die anyway. No,
I'm just joking. Why do you care that much? It
does not matter. Fake it, Send her back the pan
empty and be like that was delicious. You're either going
to have to lie or eat or eat it. Why
would you eat it? You're pre diabetic? Okay, that's it.
(33:50):
Don't eat that mess? And do you trust the old
lady cooking? How many cats does she have? Stop it that.
I've worked at a nursing home. I've seen old people cook. No,
you're eating germs, you're eating your fingernail and some old
lady hair.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
Yeah, don't eat that. I feel a little bit differently.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
I think that if you told her, hey, thank you
so much for trying to give me this, I should
have told you I just or maybe just say I
just found out I'm diabetics, so now I can't have
any more of your delicious cookies.
Speaker 2 (34:22):
But what she's going to do is she's going.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
To figure out how to give you treats without sugar
in them, and then you'll get what you want. Like,
why are you what is this old drama? Why would
you keep your being diabetic a secret? Tell her she
wants to feed you, Let her feed you.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
If you're willing to eat food from a stranger's house,
it might as well be what you want to eat.
Judge Michael, you're both wrong.
Speaker 4 (34:49):
Here's the issue. Here's the issue. Amber your closer to
being correct. It's none about the bag goods. The baked
goods are an excuse for her to maintain contact and
friendship with this person.
Speaker 3 (35:08):
This is a.
Speaker 4 (35:10):
Michael doesn't have outlets to express her love and creativity.
Speaker 3 (35:16):
And so you come over and you're helping her out, and.
Speaker 4 (35:19):
You're doing two mitzvahs, since we're using kiddishisms, we're too
bus you're helping her out, which is nice of you. Two,
you're accepting her baked goods. You do not have to
eat them. You can throw them right in the garbage.
It doesn't matter. You're acceptable. The love and care of
this person on behalf of you. You're keeping this woman
(35:43):
all lies will bake goods. Why why do you want
to take away this person's happiness.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
She's not going to turn around and start.
Speaker 4 (35:55):
Making you a trout all mendan because you said you're
pre ayabet it. She knows how to bake. That's what
she does. She's been doing it for eighty five years.
And you're gonna turn around and see your cookies aren't
good enough for me now because I have the diabetes.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
So fuck yourself. Take the woman cookies. You've kept her alive,
Celebrate life, Give them to your nephews and nieces and whoever.
Just shut up. Just take the cookies.
Speaker 2 (36:20):
Goddamn. That's the truth. That was good. That's probably one
of the best answers we've ever gotten. Yeah, it's really true,
because that is keeping her alive. Oh people love to
feed you.
Speaker 3 (36:29):
Of course they do.
Speaker 4 (36:30):
They purpose, they want to have it, the reason to
get up. You know, it's not think about her like
standing in her kitchen, probably her legs shaking under her.
You know, she's dusting a counter with flour and taking
out the rolling pin that she could barely pick up.
Speaker 3 (36:45):
She took all her body and you're sitting there in
your house, like tearing through the blind. What she doing now? Oh,
that bitch's making me more cookies? My god?
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Right, the verdict guilty, next case.
Speaker 1 (37:07):
No, I didn't write this. My sister won't stop talking.
When we were kids, she was in a real chatterbucks
But we were kids, so who cares. Now that we're older,
she still won't let anyone else talk. She doesn't mean
to be rude, but she interrupts people.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
Wait a minute, guys, I've got a story. It's sometimes
hard to be around her because she talks so much.
What would you do if you were in this situation?
Speaker 3 (37:31):
Lacey, Lacy, are you in this situation?
Speaker 2 (37:34):
I am? You know I'm in this situation. Michael saved me. Uh,
this is a non issue. This is a non issue.
But I'm gonna tell her shut up. It'll be quiet.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
If you're over here trying to have a good conversation,
You're talking to someone about something serious, and she chimes
in about her poodle.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
She's got to stop.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
You've got to nip this in the butter. This is
gonna be the rest of your life. Okay, So you've
just got to tell her calm down. I'll talk to
you in just two seconds. Let me finish my story.
That's what you have to do, or this is gonna
be the rest of your life.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
Amber.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
Wow, Lacy, that was pretty good. I feel kind of
the same way. So I feel like you should tell
her not to interrupt people. That's not nice, and you
should tell her to let you talk because that's not nice.
But also you're this is about to affect you socially,
like soon people are going to be like, oh, I
don't want to hang out with Sarah and Nim. She
(38:30):
always brings her sister. I can't get a word in
edge wise, don't do it. You you have to tell
her it's gonna it's gonna affect her, and it's gonna
affect you.
Speaker 2 (38:40):
Tell her to shut up. Sometimes people can hear it.
Speaker 1 (38:43):
Yeah, And also we all have that friend. I have
a friend and everybody knows we call her Talker Texas Ranger.
Do not bring Talker Texas Ranger to brunch. No one's
gonna be able to even hear a story. Oh my god,
talk to excess ranger. And you can only take them
(39:03):
in small doses. Yeah, yeah, so no, no, yeah, that's
a special occasion doing it right there. You can't be
hanging out with them at the time. But none of
that matters a loud bar friend. The only thing that
matters is the feelings of Judge Michael.
Speaker 3 (39:19):
Ian Michael, my feelings. It's about the law.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
Okay, you're right, all right, said I feel fair.
Speaker 4 (39:31):
Look, okay, I'm married to one of these people. And
here's the issue. Here's the issue with her.
Speaker 2 (39:41):
She's looking around.
Speaker 4 (39:43):
My wife be crazy. She has ADHD. If it's in
her head, it has to come out of her mouth.
And we have had the conversation and the conversation goes
like this, could you fucking shut up? And she goes
it have to say what's in my head? Or I
will explode and die. And it's possible that the sister
(40:07):
here just has a little touch of ADHD. And it's
very hard for these people to modulate and moderate, and
so you just have to give them space. You have
to give them space, and you have to give them
patience and love. And then also, you guys are right.
You don't invite them to anything. No, I don't let
my leave the house. But in fairness to me, that
(40:33):
would have been true whether she had ADHD or not.
Speaker 1 (40:40):
That's ferociously true. Okay, we have time because the law.
Speaker 3 (40:46):
That's God's law.
Speaker 2 (40:47):
Okay, that is God's law.
Speaker 3 (40:49):
You're right to respect God's law.
Speaker 2 (40:51):
It's the law the Lord. Who are we humble servants
of the Lord. I'm not. I I lied.
Speaker 1 (41:01):
I don't serve the Lord. I serve myself dessert. That's
what I serve. Serve myself cheescape all the time. Hey, everybody,
we're here with Mike, Lee and Black. Oh. We don't
have to take a second break. We never do, right,
all right, no, great?
Speaker 3 (41:18):
I know if you take second breaks during your own show.
Speaker 2 (41:20):
Absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (41:21):
Someone pops up at three minutes to wrap up.
Speaker 2 (41:26):
Oh my god, she's Louise. Time flies. When you refuse
to follow the structure of the show. I refuse.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
I'm never gonna do it. There was no structure today.
There was none, absolutely none. Freaking I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
Today's episode is called slop mess a slap mess monster.
That's what it's called.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
Talk shit, be a hero.
Speaker 1 (41:50):
Oh oh yay, talk shit.
Speaker 2 (41:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:57):
So, I guess with our final three minutes, we'd like
to encourage you, the listener, to get in touch with
your true feelings. Go on a podcast, say I'm out loud.
So this has been the Amber and Lady Lacy Show.
You can follow Lacey at Lacey Lamar one across all
(42:17):
socials Lacey, why isn't it just Lacey Lamar?
Speaker 2 (42:21):
Thank you for asking.
Speaker 1 (42:22):
I got locked out of Lacy Lamar and couldn't get
back in. Hired someone they couldn't get back in, so
we just made a new one called Lacy Lamar one.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
Makes that every time.
Speaker 4 (42:33):
Who else took Lacey Lamar before me? The answer was
you did.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
That's right, it was me. I took. I fucking love
it so much.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
You can follow me at Amber Ruffin and you can
follow Michael Lee and Black Where are You socials Michael.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
And Black Sky, Michael Ly and Black on Blue.
Speaker 1 (42:55):
Sky, Yay Blue Skuys Day Lady, this is the Amber
and Lacy Lacy and Amber Show. We're in love with
our brother, Michae Lee and Black is black because of
his last name. I love you, goodbye bye and that's
how you.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
Podcast, Oh my God.
Speaker 1 (43:18):
The Amber and Lacy, Lacy and Amber Show is a
production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeartRadio podcast.
It's created and hosted by Amber Ruffin and Lacy Lamar.
Executive produced by Noah Avoar and Hans Sonni super produced
by Becca Raimos Because She's a Superhero co produced by
Victor Wright, Edited and mixed by Ty Herd. Music by
(43:39):
David schmol
Come on, come on and gather around and listen to
the best podcast in town. It's The Umber Lacy Lacey
an Amber Show.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Oh are you still doing it? Wow? That was for you.
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
I like the extra saz Hey, everybody, welcome to the
Amber and Lacy Lacy and Amber Show. I am somehow
both Amber and Lacy Welcome.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Lacy. Is your microphone up enough? I can't hear you?
Is it up enough? Okay? All right, you know what?
Never mind?
Speaker 1 (00:40):
Okay, Yeah, I was about to say, I think it
is making songs out of anything.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
It has to stop. A song got anything? Damn it
does sound good, sounding good. Now you want the rest?
I gotta have, And now you want the rest. Guys,
this is our life. You come to our you come
to our house. That's all we're doing. Singing. It's pretty.
(01:06):
It's pretty.
Speaker 1 (01:08):
It's either exactly your shit you run screaming from it,
or you're like, why why are they doing this? Yeah,
if you're the type of person to ask why we
can't we can't be friends, We're not for you. Do
you remember when our brother Jimmy brought his girlfriend. We're
not going to say her name, but she's very, very quiet.
And he brought her to Christmas. And as people were
(01:30):
coming in the door, Mom's dressing them. She's giving them
like spangled suspenders and ties and Christmas hat. Everything is sequenced.
And so she comes in. Do we dress her up?
Because she wasn't jazzy enough for Christmas. You can't come
into our house with a T shirt on, some jeans, no,
no green. We dressed her up. Then she sat in
(01:51):
the corner and all we did was like reenact musicals,
sing Christmas songs, and she was like so miserable. She
sat in the corner, just looked at us, and we're
like this business time.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
Yeah, that's our family.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Visit us.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
She had a very bad time. I felt so bad
for her.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
I mean, every once in a while, it's just so
rare to meet a quiet person in my life. I
just never meet any quiet people. So anytime I do,
I'm like, what's your problem?
Speaker 2 (02:23):
Why are you?
Speaker 3 (02:23):
Like?
Speaker 1 (02:24):
What's your deal? I don't like this, I really don't.
It's not nice. But I don't like quiet people. I
think I think something's wrong with them, when what's wrong
with them is politeness. I don't have that have whatever
the opposite of politeness is bidiness.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
I have bidiness, a little bity. You're a little bidy.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
Yeah, I'm a little rowdy. Okay, now everyone knows now
everybody else.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
I know you real right, Lucy.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
I've had quite a week. How's your week? My week
has been spectacular? Oh what happens?
Speaker 4 (03:04):
You know?
Speaker 2 (03:04):
It's jazz time, patio jazz time. That's all. That's all
my life's gonna be. This summer, the weather's getting nicer.
I've gotten one year older, which really transversed about ten years.
I mean, I'm really out there.
Speaker 1 (03:19):
The other day my daughter, I was going to store
with my daughter and she goes, you're you're gonna wear that?
Because I had on a blue outfit and I put
on a black sweater. She was morrified, and I go, listen,
this is you in thirty years. You're not gonna care. Yeah, yeah,
does this jacket go with my own?
Speaker 4 (03:37):
No?
Speaker 2 (03:37):
It doesn't. You can put blue and black together.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Now, when you were younger, you wouldn't have theared, you
wouldn't have done that black and blue. No, she guilted me,
But I don't care. You wear black and blue just
so people know how they gonna get beat.
Speaker 2 (03:51):
Say something, Say something to you about this.
Speaker 1 (03:55):
You might not be wearing black and blue, but you
will be black and blue. Yeah, guys, we love talking trash.
That's that's what we're truly do. Okay, so protect Joe, Nick,
I love you.
Speaker 2 (04:11):
What is going on? Yeah, we're really really bad. I see.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
I'm glad you had a good week. It got a
little hot, and now I'm excited to be free because
you know, though what, I'm sorry that I love winter.
No one, it's in Yeah, love stupid and bad. Winter sucks,
summer rules. Winter sucks. The second I can, I'm moving
(04:38):
to La I gotta live there. I've had it. You
really leaves don't know what color they are changing all
the time on the tree.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
I hate it. It is it is.
Speaker 1 (04:50):
I love a good snowstorm. I love if someone says
it's gonna storm right now and it's Nebraska.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
It could did snow a little last week. I love it.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Love love a good snowstorm. Left the hunker down with
a sweater and put some wood on the fireplace. We're
good in my house. Right now, at seventy four degrees,
I'm freezing. I hate it. I can't live like this.
Any temperature you are dressed for snow weather, any temperature
below eighty I don't want to be a part of
(05:20):
I want to be pretty hot all the time.
Speaker 2 (05:23):
No, no, sorry.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
If there were no hurricanes, I would live on an island.
You would, now I would have to learn how to
sweam either, because I don't know how Lacy, can you
take speaking absolutely? You know I'm a master swimmer. Oh, listen,
is that a thing my master doesn't say master?
Speaker 2 (05:43):
I just saw.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
The most terrifying thing in the world. Because you know,
I have not been on a cruise, but I'm not
opposed to going on a cruise. I have certain rules,
like I need to be where there's a balcony. I
can't just be locked in a box. I'm very claustrophobic.
I don't want to be around children. There's some rules
that I'm gonna I don't want to go to all
(06:08):
your shows.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
I don't want to do all that.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
I just want to chill and just be looking out
into the water. I guess there's certain cruises that are
in certain areas of the world that the captain comes
on and says, everybody in their room, lock your door
and turn the lights off because of pirates.
Speaker 2 (06:28):
No thank you. I need to.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
You need to tell me that happens before I get on.
You need to be like you might. Then I'm gonna
turn around and get my money back. I'm turn around.
That's right, No fucking way, what is worth that? Yeah,
I'm not fleeing a country. I'm not trying. What is
going on that would make you go on a cruise
that you have to turn the lights on and they're like, oh,
(06:54):
this cruise they do it every time when they're hit
the certain area.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
They do it every time.
Speaker 1 (06:57):
And pirates have boarded some of the crews and they're like, yeah,
they bored, but we've got enough security. Stop it because
one day you're not going to have enough security if
they can get on the boat. I have a problem. Yeah,
I didn't know this was going on like that. No,
that should make the news every time a pirate boards.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
No, not doing that. I hate it. That's terrible. That's terrible.
To get me, you get me. I I'm not doing that.
I'm not going through that.
Speaker 1 (07:29):
Do you know.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Saying that?
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Also, what happened to that actor? Remember there's like a
one hit wonder. We loved that man loved it. They
got him off the streets. Like I don't think he
was acting. They just found him, right, dare they the
story him aside like this? You know what, I'm gonna
write something. I'm gonna cast him in it.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Okay, do that? Please? Thank you?
Speaker 1 (07:52):
He needs a job. Yeah, I wonder how he was
to work with. Okay, guys, I have to make some
phone calls, so we don't have time. We don't have
time for this, okay, but you know what, we do
have time for Michael ian Black. He is my coworker
and best friend. I love him so much. He is
(08:14):
really poorly behaved, just terribly behaved.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
He be terrible.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
I mean the stuff we edit out of this show,
you wouldn't fucking believe it. This guy's on one hand constantly.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
But I like it.
Speaker 1 (08:27):
That's why we're Mitch made in Heaven. So he's our
guest today on the Amber and Lacy Lacy and Amber Show.
I hope you have fun because I plan on it.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
See you after this break.
Speaker 5 (08:37):
Well we bye.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
Hey everybody, we're back with the second act. Yes I
call them acts. Get over yourself. The Lacy Lacy and
Amber Show. Today's guest is my brother in television. It's
Michael leam Black. He's a new Well. He can be
my brother because his last name is black. He's a
New York Times bestselling author and stand up comedian. You
(09:15):
can see him every Saturday on CNN's Have I Got
News for You? Welcome Michael to my computer.
Speaker 3 (09:24):
Also accomplished actor?
Speaker 1 (09:25):
Oh sorry, accomplished actor, stand up comedian, bestselling author. Guys,
I'm sorry he has too many accomplishments.
Speaker 3 (09:35):
So me an accomplished actor.
Speaker 1 (09:37):
Wow, I feel like you told her to do that.
I'm as chef.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Wow, I guess I.
Speaker 4 (09:50):
Mean we prefer the term celebrity chef. Famous chef is
fine if you're.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Not in a lot of titles. Yeah, Michael, how are you?
Speaker 5 (10:01):
Uh?
Speaker 3 (10:02):
What do you mean? I just want to answer that question.
What do you mean? How am I?
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Who are you? I'm saying this should be easy.
Speaker 4 (10:11):
It's not.
Speaker 3 (10:11):
It's never easy. How am I? I don't know? Do
you want?
Speaker 4 (10:14):
I don't know in what aspect? What psychosocial aspect are
you referring to?
Speaker 1 (10:19):
I guess i'm emotionally yeah, fine, because you seem agitated?
Speaker 4 (10:25):
Fine, can we just move on? I'm fine, it turns
the whole thing. I'm fine, you guys.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Okay, geez oh it's time for us to do the
therapy session.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
Oh maybe I don't know. I don't know. I'm just watching.
Speaker 4 (10:44):
I'm I'm actually in a good mood because I don't
know what's wrong with me. But whenever the stock market
totally collapses, it makes me happy. Yeah, I have money
in the stock market. I'm cheering on my own financial demise.
You are, And yet every time this happened, doesn't matter
(11:07):
who's president. Every time this happens, my thought is, ooh,
how low can it go? How how much can it
possibly crash? I'm exciting. I'm a child to this, but
I love it, and I suspect I'm not the only one.
But nobody else wants to admit it, that they that
they're cheering on the collapse.
Speaker 3 (11:25):
I love it.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Do you think you're an agent of chaos?
Speaker 4 (11:28):
I think I might be, and you work with me,
so I suspect you could confirm that.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
I think you are. I know for a fact, I am.
You know the alignment chart, the D and D alignment chart.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
I'm right in the middle. Chaotic neutral, You're.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
Chaotic, nutral, I be chaotic.
Speaker 5 (11:45):
Good.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
Oh that's good.
Speaker 4 (11:47):
But everybody who thinks they're chaotic everybody who actually is
chaotic evil probably thinks they're chaotic good.
Speaker 1 (11:53):
Yeah, I would, well, oh no, because I think everybody
who thinks they're chaotic evil is chaos neutral. I mean
I mean that the other way around, because I think
you think you're a little better than you are, so
you're really chaotic evil, but you say you're chaotic neutral,
which would make me chaotic evil, and that would make
(12:14):
you chaotic neutral.
Speaker 3 (12:16):
What about Lacy?
Speaker 2 (12:17):
I lay Lacey's a hundred per sense of Slytherin. Slytherin.
We're both Slytherin and that's real.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Michael, Okay, what are we really supposed to be doing
for once in this fucking podcast. We're going to do
what's on the list, all right, and I'm not messing around.
Speaker 2 (12:39):
Michael. Hello, how are you? Oh that's nice, you're very natural.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
Thank you the list?
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Michael? Wait, you got into down today?
Speaker 4 (12:55):
I got into town. What's today? Thursday? Yesterday?
Speaker 3 (13:00):
Jeez, Louise I did an event.
Speaker 4 (13:02):
I was talking to some NYU students about show business.
I was trying to amber and lazy. Plus they gave
me two hundred and fifty dollars.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
Ooh, that's what it's all about. These tariffs are coming.
We need no, that's.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Right, you got there before I did.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
Sorry, it's natural for me.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
Comes out all the time. Okay, Tonight last night you
had kind of a show. Tonight you have a show,
and then tomorrow night you have another show.
Speaker 3 (13:40):
I do. And don't make me rank the shows.
Speaker 4 (13:43):
Which is the most important to me, which is the
most vital, because I don't play favorites like that.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
Oh I wasn't going to, but then you said it,
and I kind of have. Now you have to.
Speaker 4 (13:53):
Tonight I'm doing an event for Indivisible, which is a
democratic organization in your neck. And when I say, Nika,
it's literally in your town. I'm coming to your town.
That's right, Okay, And not you, not you lazy, I wouldn't.
I don't love democracy enough to go to Nebraska.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
But do not come here. There's no there's nothing for
you here. Don't like Damla said, do not come.
Speaker 3 (14:20):
Did she say that?
Speaker 2 (14:22):
Remember when she said that to immigrants, do not come?
Do not come?
Speaker 5 (14:26):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (14:27):
And then smorrow night is our TV show, yay, which
is the most important and my favorite.
Speaker 3 (14:32):
Of the three.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
Yay. Suck it democracy?
Speaker 1 (14:36):
Oh I mean democrats, Yeah, democrats.
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Now they are already busy sucking it.
Speaker 3 (14:46):
Yeah, that's mostly what you do.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
It's it's not their fault. That's just how it goes. Okay,
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
Well, we can assign them some blame.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Yeah, you're right, we can assign them somewhere.
Speaker 4 (14:59):
Yeah, what is this podcast about? Because it seems very
ill organized?
Speaker 1 (15:03):
Well, I mean, it isn't ill organized, but we're not
going to do it.
Speaker 2 (15:08):
We're told to do ever, right, I.
Speaker 4 (15:11):
Mean, because you seem you seem like you're struggling a
little bit to even think of things to ask me,
which is weird to me because yeah, we work together
and I feel like we're friends.
Speaker 3 (15:25):
You don't know shit about me. You can't, You couldn't think.
Speaker 4 (15:27):
You couldn't think of a single question to ask beyond
how are you?
Speaker 2 (15:31):
Yeah? So so Michael you tall? What's that about?
Speaker 3 (15:38):
Did you?
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Did?
Speaker 1 (15:40):
You already said you were going to be brutal? Amber
said you were going to be brutal, brute.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
I like it.
Speaker 3 (15:45):
H Yeah, I'm waiting for the interview to tell what
are we doing?
Speaker 2 (15:49):
You have a hoodie? Arm listen? Is that your only one?
Speaker 4 (15:55):
I have a travel I have a travel wardrobe, and
the hoodie is is it important element of it?
Speaker 3 (16:02):
And had you been paying attention And I don't know.
Speaker 4 (16:04):
I'm not saying that you weren't, but had you been
paying attention to me last week? When I walk into
work this week, you will see me wearing essentially the
same outfit. And over the previous season when I walked
into work, I was often wearing the same outfit, which
was white jeans and a white sweater.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Yes he did. This man has never had a period.
That's a bold statement.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
White jeans and you don't know me.
Speaker 2 (16:36):
I'm sorry, right, I don't know how many periods. Michael ahead.
Speaker 3 (16:45):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (16:45):
While it's true that I don't mention it, that is true.
Once a month out of solidarity, I puncture my own
scrotum and just let.
Speaker 2 (16:57):
This is sweet for real? Baby like it? I like it.
I love chaos. I mean that should be clear. Michael
Ley and Black.
Speaker 3 (17:10):
I was like, what is this podcast?
Speaker 1 (17:12):
Like?
Speaker 4 (17:12):
What is this podcast? Thank you for so far as
I can tell, this is what I've observed so far.
Do all the talking, and then Lacy occasionally chimes in
on a phone.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
No, it's.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
Today is probably the craziest one because I had to
start off on my phone.
Speaker 2 (17:30):
Things have been fixed a little bit. As you can see.
I'm off the phone, but still on the phone.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Listen up, this is real. Okay, this is a part
of it. Mm hmmm, Michael ian Black.
Speaker 4 (17:50):
Is it going to be?
Speaker 3 (17:51):
How are you?
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Is that?
Speaker 3 (17:51):
What's going to come on your mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (17:54):
We've got hard hitting questions.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Yeah, Michael Ian Black. What's your favorite story you like
to tell about your career?
Speaker 3 (18:07):
This may end up being it.
Speaker 2 (18:12):
Oh, we're so bad, but we cannot helpe it. Okay.
Speaker 4 (18:18):
You often have guests, Well it's just the two of
you hanging out, chit chatting, but this nude you have
guests normally.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
Yeah, Interview is the wrong word for you to have
ever used. I don't know that we've ever interviewed. I
interview anybody around.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
I just I just now. Then I'm prepared. That's fine.
Speaker 4 (18:42):
Now, I know that, And I won't I won't expect questions.
I won't expect thoughtfulness.
Speaker 3 (18:49):
I expect I'm just here for the ride at this point.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Yeah, you know those podcasts where they interview you about
your life.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
We don't really, we don't do that.
Speaker 3 (19:00):
I don't care.
Speaker 2 (19:01):
No, you're here, you're alive, we see you. Okay, Michael,
this is real. Okay.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
Wait, I have a cough and I've had it for
like weeks. Am I gonna die? How long can you
have a cough before you die? Is it doing damage
in my body? I'm serious?
Speaker 3 (19:19):
How persistent is your cough?
Speaker 1 (19:21):
It's only a teeny bit. It's like I have to
clear my throat all the time.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
You have a little tickle in your You're gonna die?
Speaker 3 (19:28):
Is blood? Wait?
Speaker 4 (19:28):
Hold on?
Speaker 3 (19:29):
Let me does blood come out? Does it spatter.
Speaker 4 (19:33):
Onto a white handkerchief that you then that you then
hide from all prying on? No?
Speaker 3 (19:41):
Yeah, that's the wrong answer.
Speaker 4 (19:43):
You are going to You're gonna die?
Speaker 2 (19:47):
No, I don't wanta it's.
Speaker 3 (19:50):
One of those subtle dying coughs you've got.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Oh shit, Yeah, I guess I'd like to leave everything
to Michael.
Speaker 4 (19:59):
Thanks, But I mean you'll probably might say, I mean,
I don't think you need to like panic too late.
Speaker 3 (20:04):
Make it the end of business day, I would say,
You'll be fine.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
I'll be I might make it to the end of
this podcast, and that's it.
Speaker 3 (20:12):
Great. What are all the pictures behind you?
Speaker 4 (20:14):
I know this is an audio only podcast, but what
are all the pictures behind you?
Speaker 2 (20:18):
Thank you? For asking.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
This is the like seventies black child alphabet, So like
PS for me, P is for proud, S is for soul, sister,
M is for me. B is for beautiful, and it's
a little black girl. She's AOK cute as for afro
and it's a mommy with an afro. And that's how
(20:40):
you learned your alphabet in the seventies. For Malcolm X, No, No,
it was oh, sorry you're learning, was it?
Speaker 2 (20:50):
I don't know. I only took the good letters and
put him out because all was for old. I was like,
get the fuck out of here. And it was an
old lady not much older than us, and I was
like wow, and I look at that shit.
Speaker 4 (21:02):
Were there any that were like sort of of questionable taste?
Speaker 1 (21:07):
I feel like old was pretty mad. Yeah, but I
don't know. I don't remember the bad ones. I took
them out and I might have thrown them away. I
don't know. But ain't shit in my house. I don't
like decorating. Is your house full of crap?
Speaker 3 (21:22):
Well, you know, my wife's an interior designer.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
So oh, that's right, your house is full of.
Speaker 3 (21:28):
It's a little bit. I wouldn't say it's crap.
Speaker 4 (21:31):
But it's maybe got more crap in it than I
would have in my house if I could ever unload her.
Speaker 2 (21:37):
Do you have like a thing that's like do you
have like little like like choch keys?
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Oh?
Speaker 3 (21:44):
I was hoping you're going to use the word chotchkey.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
He couldn't spell it.
Speaker 4 (21:49):
Yeah, tchoh c tchoh tchk E.
Speaker 3 (21:55):
I think I could be wrong about that.
Speaker 2 (21:58):
What that's crazy?
Speaker 3 (21:59):
It is it's a Yiddish word.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
It's not right.
Speaker 3 (22:02):
I'm gonna look it up right now. I'm gonna crank
up your shot.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Yeah, oh my god, you're right. Well, good job.
Speaker 3 (22:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (22:14):
I wouldn't say we're a chotchkey heavy family, but we
have our share. Sure, nick knacks, brick brac.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
Gigauze ambers against all of that. I know she told
me that she has nothing none.
Speaker 4 (22:30):
I think enough time has passed that this won't upset
anybody who might be listening. And you can also edit
it out if if you do. But on our first
day of have I got news for you. Our production company,
hat Trick Productions, British company, sent a huge, lovely basket
of Fordingham and Leason tea products, a wicker basket and
(22:55):
gorgeous basket. It's full of hundreds of dollars, probably worth
Fortenham and Mason deliciousness. Amber was furious that they would
dare to send her a very very nice present because
she was like, what am I going to do with this?
How dare these people? I'm gonna have to get rid
(23:15):
of all this stuff? She was fuming because of this
gorgeous gesture that they had made on her behind.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
I just don't like stuff.
Speaker 3 (23:24):
What a fucking diva.
Speaker 1 (23:28):
I didn't know why I would love it because I
get all of her stuff. Hey, everyone, this is the
Amber Lacy, Lacy and Amber Show. We got Michael Liam Black.
We're going to a break and we'll be back right
after this. Can you believe how fast that break was?
Speaker 2 (23:53):
Oh my god?
Speaker 1 (23:54):
Neither can I Welcome back to the Amber and Lacy,
Lacy and Amber Show. Our guest today is Michael Liam Black.
And those of you who are just tuning in, Lacey's
having all kinds of problems. Michael and Amber are enjoying themselves.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
It's just me observing me.
Speaker 4 (24:12):
It feels like a missed opportunity because I feel like
I know Amber never met Lacey, and that's that's She
was the primary reason I decided.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:22):
He called me earlier and was like, I can't wait
to do this podcast, and I was like, hey, they're Michael,
it's gonna be now.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
It feels a little bit like.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
You guys were talking without me every day. We talked
every day four o'clock.
Speaker 4 (24:38):
This is a this is a daily habit of ours.
But we've never we've never seen each other. It's always
been over the.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Phone, never seen each other.
Speaker 4 (24:47):
I'm excited for this opportunity and it really just feels like.
Speaker 2 (24:52):
We never FaceTime. We're like, let's just keep this a surprise. Yeah, So.
Speaker 3 (25:00):
You guys do this podcast come out? Is it every week?
Speaker 2 (25:03):
It's every week?
Speaker 4 (25:05):
And other people? Do you stream it live? Are there
people watching live?
Speaker 2 (25:10):
Oh? No, no one's watching live. No one's watching this
mess live.
Speaker 4 (25:16):
Because you tell respond in the chat and I didn't
know if you meant the audience or just your producer.
Speaker 1 (25:21):
Oh you're right, you were mislet and you're right if
you're deceived. But Amber, yes, you are going to have
to read the sister Court, my sister court.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
But first I have a question for Michael.
Speaker 3 (25:37):
I have a question.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1 (25:38):
Oh yes, Sister Court, is a thing that we're going
to do after I asked you a question. Oh sorry, Lacy, Lacy,
you answer the question. And that's racism, okay, Sister Quarters.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
Where people write in and ask us to solve all
their all this all their problems in their lives, and
we solve them.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
We just send him one small fee. That's rights. It
does cost money to get y'all wrote given out advice
for free.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Yeah, that's fair, we do. Michael, I want to know
if you've ever been fired?
Speaker 3 (26:16):
Oh yes, when?
Speaker 2 (26:18):
And why? Am what?
Speaker 3 (26:19):
It was kind of devastating action.
Speaker 4 (26:21):
No, oh yeah, I think this is the only time
I've ever been fired. I got a telephone call to
come be in an animated movie called Finding Nemo, and
I was like, really, I get to be in a
Pixar movie. And they were like, yeah, they want you
to play this part in Finding Nemo. And so I
(26:43):
go into record and it's the part of Crush the
Turtle and they were like, yeah, he's like a surfer
turtle and he's like a Keanu Reeves. And I remember
the director thought literally said this he goes and so
of course we thought Michael and Black and I thought,
and I literally thought they did. They confuse me with
(27:03):
somebody else, like why am I here? And so I
was like, I was like, yo, yeah, totally, yeah, no, obviously,
if you want a surface the guy, you call clearly.
So I do the recording and I thought it went well.
I don't know. And then a few months later I
(27:26):
get a call saying, yeah, they cut the character, so
you're not going to be in the movie anymore. And
I said, oh, that's terrible. Then the trailer came out
and I was like, well, hold on a second, he's
in there, and I and listening to the Turtle. I
honestly couldn't tell if it was my voice or not,
And it turns out it wasn't. It was the director's
(27:47):
voice that they he just replaced me with him.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
And that's racism. That's racism. Can you give us, give us.
Speaker 1 (28:02):
A line, come on, reach out and give us crushing.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
Hop on my shell? Dude?
Speaker 3 (28:10):
Yeah, not bad? Right, Okay, you did it.
Speaker 2 (28:14):
I think you were cast correctly. You were a fucking
ninja turtle. You're the guy.
Speaker 3 (28:19):
Thank you? Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:22):
For years, I did you wrong.
Speaker 4 (28:23):
I was excited because I had a baby. I had
a little baby boy at the time, and I was
like he's going to grow up.
Speaker 3 (28:28):
In his dad.
Speaker 2 (28:31):
Just lie and tell him at you anyway, that's true?
Speaker 4 (28:34):
No, I did, obviously good. He also he also thinks
I'm woody from a toyster.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
Oh oh see ha ha.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
But I did tell my nieces and nephews that I
was the Pink Power Ranger.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
They believed it. Yeah, sure, yeah, let's do it. Hey, everyone,
welcome to Sister Court. Sister courd is where.
Speaker 1 (28:58):
You guys have written in at Amber and Lacyadvice at
gmail dot com and you've asked for our advice why
because you love getting yelled at. Amber will present one side,
Lacy will present the other side. But nothing, None of
that matters. The only thing that matters is Judge Michael
Ian Black. He'll deliver the final verdict. Let's start case
(29:20):
number one. Ben, what do you do when you go
to a party and the host says no gifts please.
Every time someone says to not bring gifts, it seems
like half the people invited bring gifts anyway, and I
feel like a cheap asshole. Should I start bringing gifts
in this case? Or should I just not feel embarrassed? Okay,
(29:41):
that's a great question. Lacy how does it make you
feel well.
Speaker 4 (29:44):
I've already ruled. I gotta wait for these I gotta
wait for you.
Speaker 1 (29:48):
Ask you to hear both you do you do? I
mean you could rule now and we could do it backwards.
Speaker 2 (29:53):
This is your thing. I've heard. You got to you
gotta hear both sides. Sids are really importantly. They're lying.
They want you to bring a gift. They're lying.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
Bring a bottle of wine. I always bring a bottle
of wine. I always bring a bottle of wine because
you're gonna be the only one they're standing. And if
someone bought a pony, some diamonds, bring bring a bottle
of wine.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
You're safe. You're safe.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
They want something. People are liars and they want you to.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
You would be like, oh my god, he told you
to bring anything, Sarah.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
No one's ever slapped your face when you walked in
and brought your gift. They light up when they see
that bad they light up. So they're lying. People are lying.
Makes them seem like they're, you know, above everyone else,
and that they're do good ors. They don't they want
that gift. Okay, Amber, go.
Speaker 2 (30:37):
Ahead, counterpoint, don't bring shit to my fucking house. I
hate shit in my house. Don't bring it over here.
You bring me something, I'm sending it home with someone else.
Don't bring stuff for me to put in my house.
There's a plenty of stuff in here. Cut it out,
keep it at home. I don't need stuff.
Speaker 1 (30:54):
If I needed stuff, i'd be working instead of having
a party.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
Stop it, he judge Black.
Speaker 4 (31:03):
Okay, I've carefully weighed both arguments, and I've come to
a determination. And the determination is that Amber is choosing
to make this all about herself.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Thank you.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
This isn't about you, thank you. This is about the
generic question.
Speaker 4 (31:24):
If a hoe says do not bring a gift, should
I bring a gift? And Lacy, I am persuaded by
your argument that people are liars and they do want
a gift. However, I am going to have to rule
in favor of amberside because while people are liars, we
(31:45):
should not be rewarding their lies. So if you tell me,
do not believe that's what, asshole, I'm not bringing a gift.
And if you don't like that, then don't say don't
bring a gift. In fact, I would prefer it if
you said, please a gift, so I know exactly what
your expectations are. But if I show up and I'm
the only one who didn't bring a gift to your party,
(32:09):
and there's the pony, and there's the diamonds and there's
endless crates of wine, I'm thinking to myself, I'm this
person's only real friend because I read the goddamn invitation
and respected it.
Speaker 2 (32:23):
Yeah, that's case. The verdict is devil.
Speaker 3 (32:31):
I wanted to I had a pen. That was the
best I could do.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
Yeah, that sounded good though you Case number two, Dude,
my neighbor keeps baking me treats and I can't eat
them all. For context, my neighbors elderly, so I'll help
her once in a while when I can, taking out
the trash, cleaning up around her yard, et cetera, as
(32:55):
a thank you show as makes me a pyr cookies
or something like that. The problem is I'm pre diabetic,
so I can only have small bits at a time.
I don't want to be wasteful or seem ungrateful toward
her kind gestures, but I can't have all these treats.
Speaker 2 (33:08):
What should I do? Lacey? What do you think this
is stupid? You just said you're pre diabetic? Why would
you even eat that shit? Stop it? Tell them no,
that's how you do it. Tell them, I'll die if
I take a bite out of this. If they still
give it to you, throw it in the trash and
tell them that you ate it.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
I don't do you. Why do you care so much
about this elderly neighbor? She about to die anyway. No,
I'm just joking. Why do you care that much? It
does not matter. Fake it, Send her back the pan
empty and be like that was delicious. You're either going
to have to lie or eat or eat it. Why
would you eat it? You're pre diabetic? Okay, that's it.
(33:50):
Don't eat that mess? And do you trust the old
lady cooking? How many cats does she have? Stop it that.
I've worked at a nursing home. I've seen old people cook. No,
you're eating germs, you're eating your fingernail and some old
lady hair.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
Yeah, don't eat that. I feel a little bit differently.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
I think that if you told her, hey, thank you
so much for trying to give me this, I should
have told you I just or maybe just say I
just found out I'm diabetics, so now I can't have
any more of your delicious cookies.
Speaker 2 (34:22):
But what she's going to do is she's going.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
To figure out how to give you treats without sugar
in them, and then you'll get what you want. Like,
why are you what is this old drama? Why would
you keep your being diabetic a secret? Tell her she
wants to feed you, Let her feed you.
Speaker 2 (34:41):
If you're willing to eat food from a stranger's house,
it might as well be what you want to eat.
Judge Michael, you're both wrong.
Speaker 4 (34:49):
Here's the issue. Here's the issue. Amber your closer to
being correct. It's none about the bag goods. The baked
goods are an excuse for her to maintain contact and
friendship with this person.
Speaker 3 (35:08):
This is a.
Speaker 4 (35:10):
Michael doesn't have outlets to express her love and creativity.
Speaker 3 (35:16):
And so you come over and you're helping her out, and.
Speaker 4 (35:19):
You're doing two mitzvahs, since we're using kiddishisms, we're too
bus you're helping her out, which is nice of you. Two,
you're accepting her baked goods. You do not have to
eat them. You can throw them right in the garbage.
It doesn't matter. You're acceptable. The love and care of
this person on behalf of you. You're keeping this woman
(35:43):
all lies will bake goods. Why why do you want
to take away this person's happiness.
Speaker 3 (35:53):
She's not going to turn around and start.
Speaker 4 (35:55):
Making you a trout all mendan because you said you're
pre ayabet it. She knows how to bake. That's what
she does. She's been doing it for eighty five years.
And you're gonna turn around and see your cookies aren't
good enough for me now because I have the diabetes.
Speaker 3 (36:09):
So fuck yourself. Take the woman cookies. You've kept her alive,
Celebrate life, Give them to your nephews and nieces and whoever.
Just shut up. Just take the cookies.
Speaker 2 (36:20):
Goddamn. That's the truth. That was good. That's probably one
of the best answers we've ever gotten. Yeah, it's really true,
because that is keeping her alive. Oh people love to
feed you.
Speaker 3 (36:29):
Of course they do.
Speaker 4 (36:30):
They purpose, they want to have it, the reason to
get up. You know, it's not think about her like
standing in her kitchen, probably her legs shaking under her.
You know, she's dusting a counter with flour and taking
out the rolling pin that she could barely pick up.
Speaker 3 (36:45):
She took all her body and you're sitting there in
your house, like tearing through the blind. What she doing now? Oh,
that bitch's making me more cookies? My god?
Speaker 2 (37:01):
Right, the verdict guilty, next case.
Speaker 1 (37:07):
No, I didn't write this. My sister won't stop talking.
When we were kids, she was in a real chatterbucks
But we were kids, so who cares. Now that we're older,
she still won't let anyone else talk. She doesn't mean
to be rude, but she interrupts people.
Speaker 2 (37:21):
Wait a minute, guys, I've got a story. It's sometimes
hard to be around her because she talks so much.
What would you do if you were in this situation?
Speaker 3 (37:31):
Lacey, Lacy, are you in this situation?
Speaker 2 (37:34):
I am? You know I'm in this situation. Michael saved me. Uh,
this is a non issue. This is a non issue.
But I'm gonna tell her shut up. It'll be quiet.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
If you're over here trying to have a good conversation,
You're talking to someone about something serious, and she chimes
in about her poodle.
Speaker 2 (37:54):
She's got to stop.
Speaker 1 (37:55):
You've got to nip this in the butter. This is
gonna be the rest of your life. Okay, So you've
just got to tell her calm down. I'll talk to
you in just two seconds. Let me finish my story.
That's what you have to do, or this is gonna
be the rest of your life.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
Amber.
Speaker 1 (38:09):
Wow, Lacy, that was pretty good. I feel kind of
the same way. So I feel like you should tell
her not to interrupt people. That's not nice, and you
should tell her to let you talk because that's not nice.
But also you're this is about to affect you socially,
like soon people are going to be like, oh, I
don't want to hang out with Sarah and Nim. She
(38:30):
always brings her sister. I can't get a word in
edge wise, don't do it. You you have to tell
her it's gonna it's gonna affect her, and it's gonna
affect you.
Speaker 2 (38:40):
Tell her to shut up. Sometimes people can hear it.
Speaker 1 (38:43):
Yeah, And also we all have that friend. I have
a friend and everybody knows we call her Talker Texas Ranger.
Do not bring Talker Texas Ranger to brunch. No one's
gonna be able to even hear a story. Oh my god,
talk to excess ranger. And you can only take them
(39:03):
in small doses. Yeah, yeah, so no, no, yeah, that's
a special occasion doing it right there. You can't be
hanging out with them at the time. But none of
that matters a loud bar friend. The only thing that
matters is the feelings of Judge Michael.
Speaker 3 (39:19):
Ian Michael, my feelings. It's about the law.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
Okay, you're right, all right, said I feel fair.
Speaker 4 (39:31):
Look, okay, I'm married to one of these people. And
here's the issue. Here's the issue with her.
Speaker 2 (39:41):
She's looking around.
Speaker 4 (39:43):
My wife be crazy. She has ADHD. If it's in
her head, it has to come out of her mouth.
And we have had the conversation and the conversation goes
like this, could you fucking shut up? And she goes
it have to say what's in my head? Or I
will explode and die. And it's possible that the sister
(40:07):
here just has a little touch of ADHD. And it's
very hard for these people to modulate and moderate, and
so you just have to give them space. You have
to give them space, and you have to give them
patience and love. And then also, you guys are right.
You don't invite them to anything. No, I don't let
my leave the house. But in fairness to me, that
(40:33):
would have been true whether she had ADHD or not.
Speaker 1 (40:40):
That's ferociously true. Okay, we have time because the law.
Speaker 3 (40:46):
That's God's law.
Speaker 2 (40:47):
Okay, that is God's law.
Speaker 3 (40:49):
You're right to respect God's law.
Speaker 2 (40:51):
It's the law the Lord. Who are we humble servants
of the Lord. I'm not. I I lied.
Speaker 1 (41:01):
I don't serve the Lord. I serve myself dessert. That's
what I serve. Serve myself cheescape all the time. Hey, everybody,
we're here with Mike, Lee and Black. Oh. We don't
have to take a second break. We never do, right,
all right, no, great?
Speaker 3 (41:18):
I know if you take second breaks during your own show.
Speaker 2 (41:20):
Absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (41:21):
Someone pops up at three minutes to wrap up.
Speaker 2 (41:26):
Oh my god, she's Louise. Time flies. When you refuse
to follow the structure of the show. I refuse.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
I'm never gonna do it. There was no structure today.
There was none, absolutely none. Freaking I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
Today's episode is called slop mess a slap mess monster.
That's what it's called.
Speaker 3 (41:48):
Talk shit, be a hero.
Speaker 1 (41:50):
Oh oh yay, talk shit.
Speaker 2 (41:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:57):
So, I guess with our final three minutes, we'd like
to encourage you, the listener, to get in touch with
your true feelings. Go on a podcast, say I'm out loud.
So this has been the Amber and Lady Lacy Show.
You can follow Lacey at Lacey Lamar one across all
(42:17):
socials Lacey, why isn't it just Lacey Lamar?
Speaker 2 (42:21):
Thank you for asking.
Speaker 1 (42:22):
I got locked out of Lacy Lamar and couldn't get
back in. Hired someone they couldn't get back in, so
we just made a new one called Lacy Lamar one.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
Makes that every time.
Speaker 4 (42:33):
Who else took Lacey Lamar before me? The answer was
you did.
Speaker 2 (42:37):
That's right, it was me. I took. I fucking love
it so much.
Speaker 1 (42:45):
You can follow me at Amber Ruffin and you can
follow Michael Lee and Black Where are You socials Michael.
Speaker 3 (42:52):
And Black Sky, Michael Ly and Black on Blue.
Speaker 1 (42:55):
Sky, Yay Blue Skuys Day Lady, this is the Amber
and Lacy Lacy and Amber Show. We're in love with
our brother, Michae Lee and Black is black because of
his last name. I love you, goodbye bye and that's
how you.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
Podcast, Oh my God.
Speaker 1 (43:18):
The Amber and Lacy, Lacy and Amber Show is a
production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeartRadio podcast.
It's created and hosted by Amber Ruffin and Lacy Lamar.
Executive produced by Noah Avoar and Hans Sonni super produced
by Becca Raimos Because She's a Superhero co produced by
Victor Wright, Edited and mixed by Ty Herd. Music by
(43:39):
David schmol
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