February 12, 2025 • 39 mins
In this episode of The Amber & Lacey, Lacey & Amber Show, Lacey comes up with a brilliant business idea for these trying times. Later, we slide into Lacey's DMs and finally take some of your questions in Sister Court!
Want advice answered on the show? Write to Amber&Lacey: AmberAndLaceyAdvice@gmail.com
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
This show is off the cuff, no need to rehearse it.
Put our thing down. Smack flip its it. Remember, Lacy
licy and boh, that was pretty good. That might have
been one of the best ones. Yeah, I think the
very first one. I talked about you smelling like pee.
(00:23):
But besides that, this is the next one. I think
our first song. I couldn't even get it out. Yeah,
p one is bad.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
One was one of the best.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
I'm still getting letters, like real letters about how great
that was.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
So no one should be sending you a letter about that.
Hold on, dear lady, a physical letter.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
If a stranger send you a physical letter, I don't
know that you should be opening in That's true. That's true,
especially nowadays. I don't even know these strange messages.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Lacy. Yes, listen, I'm going on a trip. Wait let
it wait.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Wait wait oh oh oh my song that's late Okay,
And it said scam likely oh man, Yeah, that is true.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
That's what I'm hearing. I thought there was a raccoon
in the house. No, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Okay, I'm going on a road trip again to New
York my life yep, on the road again, just getting
wait to be on the road again, Amber. Yes, and
anything exciting happened today. Yes, today we announced that I'm
going to be the featured entertainer at the White House
(01:43):
Correspondence dinner.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
Yay, it's gonna be exciting.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
It's gonna be exciting. But I feel so bad because
we were on Morning Joe.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
I saw it and the do you do do? Are
you hoping that the president comes? I said no, that.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
I thought it. I died. I was like thatmell out
of your mouth, that fell off up, that was a punk.
I want to fight him, That's what I wanted to say,
but I tried to act nicely.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
But if everyone would have been like, nobody wants him there.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Nobody wants it smells like, oh that's information. I never
want old spice. Come on now, old spicy McDonald's smells
like old hmmm. Yeah, we don't want that. No one
wants that. But I did laugh out loud when you
said that it's going to be exciting.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
More importantly, what are you wearing? Who cares what you say?
Speaker 1 (02:47):
A beautiful black jacket and the jacket has.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Let ell spark the lease. Okay, so you're gonna love it.
I'm sure I will I'm sure it will be cute.
What in the how did this? Can't I go off?
I didn't? I turned it off. Always stop us from
having fun.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Oh man, my ring is one of the best ringtones ever, everybody,
and I'm so sorry. I write songs to every ring
tone everybody ever has I know, and our brother's ringtone
is the best.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
What that man was thinking?
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Our brother's ringtone? We wrote an entire song for it.
This is one of those Correspondent Dinner Janet Jackson a
little bit. I love it. I'm glad we did that
here on the podcast.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Everyone.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
It's exactly how she decided. It's black and it's sparkly. Okay,
just tune in Amber Ruffin Cabra. When is the Correspondent's Dinner?
When can people watch it? The White House Correspondence Dinner
takes place on no other than the twenty sixth.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Hing the then.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
I know you was looking it up. I knew I
see it if you knew, Oh, you were right, I know.
Remember I think it was our last podcast I talked
about we'll probably have IDs soon.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
Listen.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Every day we're getting closer to having m id's and
everybody going to have now listen, when the IDs come
out what I've done, and you're not just gonna be
able to leave your house anymore? Amber you think I'm joking.
So I've seen started a new business. And uh it's
called my White Disguise. Okay, if you want to be
able to leave the house, put on this white disguise,
(04:38):
just gonna push put it right on.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Your Wig's gonna be in there, your face.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Everything. The gloves are extra. The gloves are extra. The
white gloves, the white skin gloves are extra. Listen, we
were able to walk around freely. You think so, No,
I think we're at the end of it.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Lacey will not stop saying surprise, surprise. I love surprise surprise.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
And I left my I d the last time I
was home at her house and I had to get
on a flight. So I was like, Lacey, you got
a break, waity. She drove up and she dropped off
the idea of the roll darter window and yelled surprised,
And we're.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
In the park.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
We're in the parking garage're and echoed it was beautiful.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
It really did. So it was Beau, that's real. Sorry
everybody you heard.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
My song, Yeah, everybody heard it.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
I love that you're so positive? What do you mean positive? How?
And we're not gonna be wearing this my white the sky.
I made you one. I made you one.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
We're not gonna be We're I don't think we're gonna
have IDs. This is Lacy talking about the Trump presidency
and how bad it's gonna get. But I will have
to I do have to say this. Technically, Lacey's nickname
is Lestradamus because thank you, she has an uncanny ability
(06:13):
to predict what's going on. And she'll just flippantly say
a joke and then the jokes will be real.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
The jokes will be real. So yeah, I'm going to
make a ton all of this.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Yeah, guys, and if you can't support, if you can't
afford my white disguise, I'll get you one. I'm not
gonna you know, I'm not in it for the money,
just trying to let you go to the you want
to go to the grocery store, You put on the costume,
you go.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
You won't get her asked.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
None of this is necessary. I also have to offer
this story. One time one of our friends had ax wild.
She asks too wild all the time, and Lacey was
like she was looking for a job, and Lacy goes, huh.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
That's funny.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
I thought she had a job, because you know, she
had for so long. And Lacy goes, her crazy ass
probably fell down in front of everybody and got fired.
And then it turned out that that is exactly what happened,
and she had a big goose egg on her head
and she had been fired.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
And I was like, that is uncanny.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
To such a throwaway line, probably failing her head everybody.
So as you got fired, why would you why would
that even occur to you to say? Because I know, okay,
so with the white disguise, you get a free Trump,
you get a free Trump. I d that matches your disguise.
I'm doing this so you'll be fine. You'll be fine
to I know you don't want to, None of us
(07:45):
want to when you call me up at two am,
and I know you will. You got any more white
disguises over there? Like, yeah, go on, is this Waite?
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Who is it? Is this Amber Ruffert? The one who
made fun of me? Is Amber Ruffett?
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (07:58):
I got one for you. Yeah, you don't save me
the ugliest one.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Oh, the buck tooth one. Oh yeah, but tooth sharing.
That's gonna be shared because you didn't get it when
they were hot you.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
You didn't pick the good ones. You talked about me.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Okay, No, I won't. I won't give you book tooth share. Yay,
but I'm gonna think about it. Jeez, Louise Lacy. I
think we're all doing a good job. I think so too.
And I think I'm excited to host White House Correspondence
thenner and it's gonna be cute, but it's also going
to be a little bit mean.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
Okay, it's gonna.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Be he's gonna be upset and he's going to talk
about you. He's gonna be tweeting while it happens. Right,
do people still tweet? Is he still a tweeter?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
He's gonna do something. He's gonna go on whatever social
media and he's gonna be talking about it.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
I feel like the what I get to do my
black privileges as a black lady with it with nappy hair.
White people don't really like the real racists, don't. They
can't bear to look at me. No, I don't think
they can tolerate it. I really don't, because it's usually
(09:10):
my face and then in the thumbnail of the video
it's like racism or something, and then they're not clicking
on it. So I rarely I think they are going
to show a clip of you though on Fox, and
that's what I really want to see. Oh my god,
that would rule. I'm gonna show that at clip. But
you know, I'm in the audience. Hopefully they show me
(09:32):
and they're like, audience like, yeah, no, my dream, that's
my dream. Okay, Oh, we have to go take a break.
We have to take a break around of time for this?
Hey everybody, Hey, nobody have time for that except you
stick around. We'll be right back with more of than
Amber and lay Lacy at Amber Show sponsored by My
(09:54):
White Surprise. Hey you need a costume? Do you want
to go to the library today? Without being yelled at? Hey?
(10:18):
Hey everybody, We're back with more than the Amber and
Lacy Lacy and Amber Show. What what I forgot my
show and tell? Do I have time to grab the
show and tell?
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Yeah? For can you stand it? Okay?
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Okay, so hey everyone, we have a segment on the
Amber and Lacy Lacy and Amber Show where it's called
can you Stand It?
Speaker 2 (10:39):
Can You Stand It?
Speaker 1 (10:40):
Is where we tell one another about the people with, places,
or things that are currently changing our lives. Is it
a new can of hairspray, Is it a new matt
finish to your powder face? Or is it a lollipop?
If it's me, it's probably a lollipop. So while Lacey's gone,
(11:02):
and she just ran out of the room to get her,
can you stand it? I just would like to tell
you the following secrets about Lacey. One she's a poop.
Two she poops. Three Lacey Lamar smells like poops. Okay,
(11:22):
we are back with we'd talking.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
And I was talking about you where you were going? Okay.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Amber just got issued some new medication and the medication
makes her spot lies.
Speaker 3 (11:42):
So I don't know what she's good when I was gone,
but just she needs help, y'all. Okay, we want to
adjust her. Man, She's gonna be good now. My can
you stand it? My?
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Can you stand it? Okay? Here, I'm bretty heavy because
I went up two stairs.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
I haven't stairs in your house is fun until you
leave something down there that's horrible. I there's a small
dog behind me going in saying, Mike, can you stand it? Is?
I've decided to get me and my ladies. We're going
to join a sculpting class. Okay. Fun. So I went
and toward the studio and you know, I got a
(12:24):
little piece of clay while we were touring, and the
guy was like, here, do you want to just do
a little sculpture right here? And I was like what
and show everyone up and show everyone how a beautiful
sculpture I am. So look at my sculpture that I made.
This is only the nose and the mouth. Did you
see how beautiful it is?
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Can you say? Everyone? Okay, do you see that? You
see this? Okay, there you go. Do you see it?
Looks it's beautiful. Now.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
I brought this up because I need you. I'm comparing
this to one of Amber's sculptures.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
What hell is? Damn it?
Speaker 1 (13:01):
What's this mess? Okay, it's a mess. So I'm just
letting you know, nose and lips bobbing.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Okay, that's all I want. That's me. That's my show
and tell.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
But I'm gonna say two or three days, I'm going
to be a world famous sculptor. After world famous, Yeah, okay,
everyone's gonna be coming from all over the world.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
You got any more nose?
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Lips, and I'm gonna be like, yeah, why.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
Did you just do the nose and lips?
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Just started? That's all I did. Mind your business. I'm
the artist here, Okay, okay, I'm the captain. Now look
at me. I made those nose and lips's. It was
beautiful nose and lips. But why what I started with?
Don't question It's just that I have so many questions. No,
I wouldn't be questioning so hard if I wasn't filled
(13:53):
with questions, right, Okay, stop making fun of my thing.
It's funny when we make fun of you, but when
you make fun of me, that's not funny.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Okay, Amber, do you have a canyon statu? Oh?
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Actually this just happened to me the other day. I
was googling best what's the word that you where you
write on paper?
Speaker 2 (14:19):
The best card stock?
Speaker 1 (14:20):
So then I found the place that has a lot
of really thick, really good card stock, and I was like, oh,
let me see it. I get there and they're like here,
here you go, and they hand me this card stock
and it's the menu of the cheesecake fashery.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
The best person it is the cheesecake factory.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
I'll never not say anything other than cheesecake factory cheesecake
factory rules. So you're going to be writing invitations on
cheesecake factory menus. Is this what you're saying is bountiful,
thick end perfect? That's okay, we'll freeze for a minute,
But it's what you do when you unfreeze that counts.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Now is your ship plugged in tight enough? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Lacy?
Speaker 1 (15:01):
And I've always said this about you. You you have
loose plugs.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
I knew you were going to say that. Nasty, a
little nasty. It's tough having plugs, it is, it is.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
I know that sounds like you have loose hair plugs
and then your hair is gonna start falling out one
by one man, which man would be so fucking great.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
No, it wouldn't, it would actually rule. It absolutely would not.
Yes it would, Lacey. When's your next? Okay? Oh?
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Yes, I have my d MS and they're ready, they're
hot and ready. But what were you about to say?
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Oh, let's do it? Hey? Everyone?
Speaker 1 (15:50):
On? Why do you and I say hey everyone so often?
Hundred all the time, all the time. Hey everybody. Sometimes
I'm in the kitchen and I can't find something, and
I go Hey, everyone, where is the thing?
Speaker 2 (16:05):
And I'm just doing it all the time. I see
Hey everyone, I can't be stopped. We're ready for the stage. Yay,
Hey everybody. H Hey everyone here.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
On the Amber and Lacy Lacy and Amber Show, we
like to do a segment called please Slide Out of
Lacey's dms, where we read actual dms sent to Lacey
on dating dating apps. I almost said dating sites because
of my age. Okay, Lacey, take it away.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
And not only are they sent to me on dating
sites apps anyone. This is just anything. It could be
in my Facebook d and ms. It could be Instagram.
People will shoot their shot and it's never really great.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
I hate to say it. Here we go.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
This one says, hello, I love oh, I gotta get
the picture ready. I love that you don't wear a
lot of makeup. It's hard to find a woman that
isn't slathered in it. And he sent me a picture.
You know when they send you the little picture and
there's a little comment next to it. So he got
it from my profile. Listen, buddy, this ain't nothing. The
(17:11):
most you ever worn. This is your makeup artists did this.
This was when I was on your show, sir, so
I responded to him.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
In this picture, I'm beyond slathered in it. I'm covered.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
It's a damn makeup, I said, I'm covered, and codd,
it's a damn makeup mask. You absolutely love women in makeup.
You love us, You love women in makeup. If that's
what you chose and said you want a natural woman,
No you don't.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
No, you don't, cause I take that makeup off. You
don't know who I am. You won't recognize me.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
So you you're the opposite of what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
Also, the way your dms are, I thought one hundred
percent that you were going to be like and this
was his profile picture, and it would be a man
in makeup.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
That was what I said. I want to see. He
probably did have a little, at least it a little
well contour. That is so funny. You fully TV ready
you don't like women to makeup, You absolutely love you
love us.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Okay, yeah, that was a full face that took six
hours to get that makeup of. I know that's right,
but thank you for thinking that all that blush was natural.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Get out of here. Okay, this one, Oh my god,
this hurt my little feelings.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
You know when you know someone from like elementary school
and they reach out to you and you're like, oh
he's cute. Oh my god, look crush and oh now
we're older and we it's like, oh, we made a
full circle at baby, and then we can tell everybody we.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Met the third grade.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
So he reached out to me and he said, so disappointing.
Let me take you out to dinner and you can
find a way to pay me back. Oh oh, when
I tell you, my heart fell. But you know my
level of pettiness. When you go low, I go to hell.
I said, you Pete on yourself during Show and Tell
(19:08):
Miss Dunnan's third grade class, and I left it because
you did. I want to say his first name so bad.
But since there was like twelve of us in class,
everyone's going to go back and know why I don't
have time for this.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
See he did. Didn't you say that? Because he did?
So he did.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
And you're asking for you're asking for favors after a date, sir,
we're going to straight to P. P.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
Johnson. Yeah, you're getting that. That's forty years ago, Pete
and I left it never responded. It's still up. He
didn't respond I didn't black him, he didn't black me.
Maybe he's still thinking that's.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Really extra cold because he knows you remembered it for
forty years this whole time.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Come on, now, that's that's the nightmare.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
You comfort yourself by saying, well, no one remembers it, sir,
Claire is a bell. Claire is a bell. Was still
willing to cheachat with you. I was still like, that's
that point to pee on herself. I'm gonna give them
a chance. And this is what you come at me with.
You're gonna get it. You're gonna get it.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
My last one is okay, this just out of the blue,
just dumb ass. First things they say, will you please
take my virginity? And I just said, no, keep it.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
That's all I did.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
That's just no, I want it. Why do people say
dumb things like that? And are you a virgin? You're fifty, sir,
you're fifty. I don't want it. I don't want it.
I want it. I want it something. The fact that
you held out this lot, I don't want it. It's rotten.
It's like a spire.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
I don't want that your virginity. Virginities do expire they do.
They do.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
You do not get time, then you hasn't broken gotten laid.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Yeah, no, I don't want to.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
Sorry. Virginities expire. You learn that here on the Amber
and Lacey Show. See how easy it is to become
a conspiracy theorist, because how much fun would it have
been to quadruple down and be like, if you don't
lose your virginity, then you lose your virginity expirement. That's
(21:24):
so true. That's how these people are born, Lacey. Let's
start offering one conspiracy theory per show. Absolutely, that was
our first one. Yeah, our first one is virginities expire.
They do so every none not a virgin. Once you
have none of a stortain age gone, then virginity is gone.
(21:48):
Your virginity is gone. Oh how old are you? That
thing expired twelve months ago? I'm sorry, ma'am? Sorry whoever? No,
you wait until fifty. First of all, no, you didn't know,
you didn't, you didn't. Terrible line, terrible line. Okay, I
think it's also time now for sister goold dut dunt
(22:10):
don't godes God.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
That's a good song.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
When we get that album of Amber and Lacy, Lacey
and Ambershaw songs. It's gonna go platinum, It's gonna it's
gonna be bigger than they not like us. Oh, what's
hold on? I got a chit chat about this? What
am I the only? Am I the only person in
the world that is like.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Okay, Drake's had enough? Leave him alone.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
When I tell you, I don't know anything about Drake.
I don't know anything about Drake. I feel like he's
somewhere crying. I feel it in my heart, and I
feel like he's so so sad. It's the ultimate.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
This is more.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
This is this is more bullying than you peeped in
front of your class.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
This is this is terrible.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
It's I don't feel bad about Pep Johnson, but I
feel bad about Drake. I feel bad about it too,
and I have felt bad about it from the very beginning,
from the second dis track, like this's too far. He
can't he doesn't know because I don't know what he
would have expected. Did he expect to be spared? Did
(23:17):
he think he could win? I don't quite get it.
I don't love it, but it did make for easily
one of the best songs of all time.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
No, don't say it. I don't want to do.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
This.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
I do too, and that's sad. And then he got
a Grammy about it.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
And then as he was walking up to get the Grammy,
every respected musician on earth was singing alonggoing and it's
probably a minor I was like.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Oh shit, that stings. That's stings. That stings. Yeah, I
hope no one dislikes me that bad. One day I
sold that disk track. I've made a amber. Okay, thank you. Sorry,
make a disk track about me.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
You just told me that you can't take a distrack,
so I just canceled it. I think not coming out. Look,
I've been around people talk shit about me on the internet.
It's very it's infrequent, but it does happen. But I'm saying,
if you made a disk track about me, even if
it was bad, the thought, the thought that you would
(24:27):
get up, put on socks, go to a studio and
get out of your car.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
Yeah, make a song that's so cold.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
I've disliked many people, probably hate not not that many
at all, probably almost zero.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
But I can't. My hate has no action behind it.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
My hate is just like I don't like this, and
then that's it and move on to the next thing.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
I can't imagine being fueled by it. And that's the
difference between Amber and I.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
I will write a song today, that's right, I'll write
a song today.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
Lassie will all write a song today. She will.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
Hey, everyone, you know what song we just wrote. It's
time for us to go to the break. Hey, everybody,
hold on to you. But wow, we'll be right back
with more of the Ember and Lacy Lacy and Amber show.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
So stick around or else.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
Hey, everybody, we're back with more of the Embra and Lacy,
Lacy and Amber Show.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
We are going to hit you with the law. We're
taking an oath.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
We're hands on the Bible, and we're about to testify
because it's time for her sister Cord Babbo.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
It's sister Courd.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
We read emails that were sent to us from you,
and then we come down hard pro or con with
our own verdicts. You wrote to us, You asked us
for help. You'll regret it. If you want help from us,
email us at Amberandlacyadvice at gmail dot com. If you
(26:10):
don't want advice from us, email us at Amber and
Lacyadvice at gmail dot com. We'd love to hear from you.
It's time for Sister Courd email number one. Okay, this
one says, how do you eat fruit at the bottom
of a cocktail. I'm currently on vacation and I keeping
(26:31):
served delicious tropical cocktails, but they come with pineapple or
strawberries or something in the glass.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
So when I.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Drink it, there's fruit at the bottom. Do you just
throw the fruit away? Try to use your straw or
your finger to dig it out. Suggestions are super appreciated here.
I know exactly what Lacy is going to say, so
let me go first. I think you can just tip
the glass up to your mouth and then the fruit
will slide into your mouth. If not, you got to
(27:00):
stab it with a straw and then sloop it into
your mouth. If not, you have to leave it alone.
Do not, I repeat, do not be sticking your little
fingers in there, having everybody watch you root around in
the bottom of your your fill out of you have
to leave there there. You cannot have that pineapple. That
is not for you. Okay, And what I would do
(27:24):
is yell, really loudly, does anybody have a trash can
and throw that cup into the trash. I hate fruit.
You're asking the wrong person. Here hate it fruits to.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
Say he hates fruit like male men hate dogs. She
hates it.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
The fruit has done nothing to her, but try to
be her friend. She don't want it. Do not put
it in my drink. Don't even don't do that. No,
she doesn't, truly doesn't. And I think so she can
certainly this or that she can't.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
I just want to cleaned out a glass.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
I gave my dad some of his homemade lemonade that
had you know, lemonade bits, and when I went to
clean out the glass, a little bit of the pulp
got on my arm.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
It might as well have been vomit. I was like,
oh God.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
Then I thought it's just fruit. Lacy calmed out, But yeah,
that's how I feel about fruit.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
It touched me.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Guys, she really hates fruit, and I'm sorry about that.
Everyone that she's missing out one of the great joys
of life.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
Fruit.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Okay, whatever would you like to read the next one?
Or shall I here is? Oh wait, so then that
person is, oh innocent, You're guilty to me, you shouldn't
mean that stuff. But okay, sister, Court scenario number two.
Am I being petty or am I justified? When I
(28:45):
was in college, I dated a guy who would eventually
be my husband. We moved in together pretty quickly. We
were both in our mid twenties when I brought him
to meet my parents over the holidays.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Even if we lived.
Speaker 1 (28:55):
Together, my mom insisted we sleep in separate rooms because
we weren't married at the time. My parents are divorced
and my mom is seeing a new guy. She's going
to be staying with my husband and I and she'll
be bringing her new boyfriend. I'm thinking about making them
sleep in separate rooms since they aren't married yet. Is
that going too far my pettiness or am I justified
in this? Okay, you're going too far. That's your mama.
(29:17):
She can do whatever the hell she want to do.
She can come in there with two men. Mind your
own Business's your mom. Your mom makes all the rules.
I go into my daughter's house, you better not. You
gotta say nothing to me. That's the joy of being
a parent. Now you can do that to your kids.
It doesn't go reverse, it doesn't go in reverse. You
ain't telling me nothing, nothing, nada. Oh now I'm bringing
three men. Who's that guy that on my DMS? I'm
(29:38):
bringing three No, you can't tell me what to do.
I'm the adult. I will always be. There's a hierarchy
to this, so you can't I know you want. You
can bring it up, bring it up at dinner. Oh,
y'all ain't married yet. Did you sleep in the same
bed last night? You can bring that up. You can
be petty, but you can't tell them not to sleep
in the same bed. That's why you asking us. I
think when they get there, you tell them to sleep
(30:00):
in separate beds, and then you see how far it goes,
and then you go, I'm just kidding. But you remember
when you did this to me? Now do you think
you were being unreasonable?
Speaker 2 (30:10):
Well you were.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Luckily in my house we're a little more open minded
than that. So thank goodness, who knows where I got
this from, because it wasn't you.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
No, that's petty. Now, that's petty.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
And then that's just randomly in the middle of the
night busting everyone with a flashlight. Kick in fact, be
ready to buy a new door, because I really appreciate
the kicking down of the door. Kick it down, kick
it out. I want the splinters on the side to
shoot out what you're doing. They get a door, you
(30:42):
know that's.
Speaker 2 (30:43):
Up to you.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
Not everybody gets to have a room with a door
on it. You can make it real uncomfortable for him
because they did do you wrong. So I say, go
for it. Go for it, that's right.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Ah yeah yeah yeah, yea am right? Do I agree
with you? So they are guilty and she is innocent,
that's right?
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Sorry?
Speaker 2 (31:04):
Okay this one.
Speaker 1 (31:07):
How do you feel about not pitching in to a
group birthday gift at work? I'm in an office and
whenever it's someone's birthday, someone always comes around asking for
some cash to help pay for a small gift and
a cake or something. Not to sound like an asshole,
but I don't really care enough to participate. I like
my coworkers well enough, but I don't really feel the
(31:30):
need to bond like that. Would it be bad if
I said no next time they asked me for cash
on the next birthday? Okay, this and I mean this.
Please do not isolate this answer. Don't put it out
on social media. It is the worst thing I have
ever said in my life. People who insist on running
(31:54):
around and getting the cake and getting the present and
making everybody sign the card and this and that and
that and the other.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Do not have enough stuff going on in their lives.
They just don't.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
I mean, look, I think everything in my life serves
a purpose, and I do not think that birthday and
job overlap in any way whatsoever. I don't need it.
Every office should do what we do here every month.
The first of the month, we go happy birthday everyone
in June, and then we put up a little sign
(32:30):
that says everyone's name, and we put a pie in
the kitchen.
Speaker 2 (32:35):
That's it.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
That's what you get. Now, that's what you're doing. That's fine,
but don't be don't And lady, lady, if you're running
around making everybody sign the card, making everybody give you
five dollars so you can get somebody some mess they
don't want. Girl, read a novel, don't do that. Don't
do that, don't busy yourself. And then I got it.
(32:57):
It's my problem. You ain't got enough to do in
your life.
Speaker 2 (32:59):
Cut that out out.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
So in that way, I'm the coldest motherfucker on earth.
I do not like birthday stuff.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
I don't like it. Yes, you know what.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
I was not on board with a thing you were
saying at first, But then when you said put everybody's
name at the first of the month.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
I love it because we all have given money to Steve.
Nobody likes Steve. I can't stand him. Oh and you
asked for ten dollars. No, I don't want to spend
ten dollars on Steve to make his day better. Oh,
Steve voted to Trump. I don't like Steve. Now you're
going to have someone in here and they're gonna like push,
(33:40):
like slap his food out of his hand.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
You got my tender. We're hiring someone to harass Steve. Okay,
how much right?
Speaker 1 (33:52):
No I have I have contributed a billion dollars to
the group birthdays at work. I mean yeah, And then
you've got to run around.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
You've got to hide the cart. Oh they're coming, hide
the cart.
Speaker 1 (34:03):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
Then you got to get a cake and a gift.
It's a lot.
Speaker 1 (34:07):
It was a lot all the time. All the time,
it was a cake and a gift, a cake and
a gift. I just don't think that's what work is for.
And if you think everyone needs a morale boost.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
You're right they do.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
Then fucking Taco Tuesday or some shit some goofy goofy
goofy hat day and not even Taco Tuesday, because I
don't want people's money. Casual Wednesday dressed like a twin day,
you know, silly hair day, bad shit. Do Spirit Week,
but do it at work, but don't be taking people's money.
Don't take people's money.
Speaker 2 (34:39):
I don't like that.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
Because Happy Birthday is free and birthdays are for children.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Amber does not care about the birthdays.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Meanwhile, I'm trying to go listen to some smooth jazz
on my birthday, and I am let's turn this all
about me, Okay. I found out where Chad Stoner chat
Stoner is gonna make. You can google chat Stoner everybody.
He's an amazing jazz musician and he mm mmmmm mmm mmmm.
I went and listened to him last week and it
was great. He will play some R and B, just
(35:10):
instrumental R and B, which Amber and I have told
you a million times.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
Love it. I mean he was playing the Angelo Digelo.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
Now you think you're not gonna love you would if
you heard it, you would love it. And Chad Stoner,
I don't know if Amber knows this. I know him
from church. He used to be praise and worship guy
that used to come. I used to work at a
place for wayward girls, and he would come there on
Sundays and do church. He would do the little praise
(35:40):
and worship, and Chad Stoner looks really good. So I
kept wondering, well, all these little girls going to church.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
What's going on.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
They were like, oh, we got to go to church,
full face of makeup going, And then I went, Okay,
the man looks very nice. But he's a very good
saxophone saxophone player. He's great, He's wonderful. And that's how
I know. I've known him for twenty plus years, so
because I've known him from church. When I went to
the concert, it wasn't really a concert, but I went
to see him play last week. He goes, now, even
(36:08):
though we're in a bar, I'm about to play a
song that shouldn't be here. And he played like a
sweet R and B version of Wade in the Water,
and you know, I had to listen.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
It was great. I had to yell out let him
use you, baby, let me abuse you.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
But it was good.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
You didn't think it was wrong there.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
Yeah, I love it, love it, love it. And I've
never seen him do that, but he does some. He
does all your favorites Anita Baker, Luther, everybody, Lacy. I
don't know how we got on that.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
We got to go to middle aged lady fest. Why
isn't that that chase go to. We're gonna just slow.
There's not too many of us. There's no stairs. It's
not gonna be no stairs in middle aged.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
Ladies' flat somehow. It's just everywhere you go is downhill.
Lady yay?
Speaker 2 (37:05):
Where is this event at? Always down that hill? Okay,
thank you? Now get oh down another you got me?
You can have my eight dollars. It costs eight dollars.
Oh oh, I'm not going eight dollars. I'm telling you.
Speaker 1 (37:25):
This might not be the best lad This might not
be the middle the best middle aged lady beest ambers
we have okay, all right, well, hey everyone, thanks for
tuning in today. We laughed, we loved, we shared. We
want to leave you today with this thought. I'm so scared,
(37:46):
just kidding, that is very real thought, though, America help you.
Uh hey, we love you and have fun and goodbye.
Oh Lacy, yes, how can people find you on social media?
They can find me at Lacy lamar one though. I mean,
I'm not gonna lie I did just join What did
(38:06):
I join?
Speaker 2 (38:07):
Blue Sky? Blue Sky?
Speaker 1 (38:08):
And I don't know what I am on there. When
I find out, I'll come back next time, guys and
tell you. I think it's Lacy Lamar.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
Oh, good job. Why doesn't someone look and you call me?
My number is and I'm Amber.
Speaker 1 (38:21):
Ruffin across all socials, I assume, well, we've been The
Amber and Lacy, Lacy and Amber Show.
Speaker 2 (38:26):
We love it very much. Good night and goodbye, good.
Speaker 1 (38:32):
Night and my bye. The Amber and Lacy, Lacy and
Amber Show is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money
Players and iHeartRadio podcast. It's created and hosted by Amber
Ruffin and Lacy Lamar. Executive produced by Noah Avlar and
Hans Sonni, super produced by Becca Ramos. Because She's a
(38:55):
Superhero co produced by Victor Wright, Edited and mixed by
Ty Herd.
Speaker 2 (38:59):
Music by David Schmoll.
This show is off the cuff, no need to rehearse it.
Put our thing down. Smack flip its it. Remember, Lacy
licy and boh, that was pretty good. That might have
been one of the best ones. Yeah, I think the
very first one. I talked about you smelling like pee.
(00:23):
But besides that, this is the next one. I think
our first song. I couldn't even get it out. Yeah,
p one is bad.
Speaker 2 (00:31):
One was one of the best.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
I'm still getting letters, like real letters about how great
that was.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
So no one should be sending you a letter about that.
Hold on, dear lady, a physical letter.
Speaker 1 (00:45):
If a stranger send you a physical letter, I don't
know that you should be opening in That's true. That's true,
especially nowadays. I don't even know these strange messages.
Speaker 2 (00:56):
Lacy. Yes, listen, I'm going on a trip. Wait let
it wait.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Wait wait oh oh oh my song that's late Okay,
And it said scam likely oh man, Yeah, that is true.
Speaker 2 (01:13):
That's what I'm hearing. I thought there was a raccoon
in the house. No, I don't know.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Okay, I'm going on a road trip again to New
York my life yep, on the road again, just getting
wait to be on the road again, Amber. Yes, and
anything exciting happened today. Yes, today we announced that I'm
going to be the featured entertainer at the White House
(01:43):
Correspondence dinner.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
Yay, it's gonna be exciting.
Speaker 1 (01:49):
It's gonna be exciting. But I feel so bad because
we were on Morning Joe.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
I saw it and the do you do do? Are
you hoping that the president comes? I said no, that.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
I thought it. I died. I was like thatmell out
of your mouth, that fell off up, that was a punk.
I want to fight him, That's what I wanted to say,
but I tried to act nicely.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
But if everyone would have been like, nobody wants him there.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Nobody wants it smells like, oh that's information. I never
want old spice. Come on now, old spicy McDonald's smells
like old hmmm. Yeah, we don't want that. No one
wants that. But I did laugh out loud when you
said that it's going to be exciting.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
More importantly, what are you wearing? Who cares what you say?
Speaker 1 (02:47):
A beautiful black jacket and the jacket has.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Let ell spark the lease. Okay, so you're gonna love it.
I'm sure I will I'm sure it will be cute.
What in the how did this? Can't I go off?
I didn't? I turned it off. Always stop us from
having fun.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Oh man, my ring is one of the best ringtones ever, everybody,
and I'm so sorry. I write songs to every ring
tone everybody ever has I know, and our brother's ringtone
is the best.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
What that man was thinking?
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Our brother's ringtone? We wrote an entire song for it.
This is one of those Correspondent Dinner Janet Jackson a
little bit. I love it. I'm glad we did that
here on the podcast.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Everyone.
Speaker 1 (03:41):
It's exactly how she decided. It's black and it's sparkly. Okay,
just tune in Amber Ruffin Cabra. When is the Correspondent's Dinner?
When can people watch it? The White House Correspondence Dinner
takes place on no other than the twenty sixth.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Hing the then.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
I know you was looking it up. I knew I
see it if you knew, Oh, you were right, I know.
Remember I think it was our last podcast I talked
about we'll probably have IDs soon.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
Listen.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Every day we're getting closer to having m id's and
everybody going to have now listen, when the IDs come
out what I've done, and you're not just gonna be
able to leave your house anymore? Amber you think I'm joking.
So I've seen started a new business. And uh it's
called my White Disguise. Okay, if you want to be
able to leave the house, put on this white disguise,
(04:38):
just gonna push put it right on.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Your Wig's gonna be in there, your face.
Speaker 1 (04:42):
Everything. The gloves are extra. The gloves are extra. The
white gloves, the white skin gloves are extra. Listen, we
were able to walk around freely. You think so, No,
I think we're at the end of it.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Lacey will not stop saying surprise, surprise. I love surprise surprise.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
And I left my I d the last time I
was home at her house and I had to get
on a flight. So I was like, Lacey, you got
a break, waity. She drove up and she dropped off
the idea of the roll darter window and yelled surprised,
And we're.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
In the park.
Speaker 1 (05:27):
We're in the parking garage're and echoed it was beautiful.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
It really did. So it was Beau, that's real. Sorry
everybody you heard.
Speaker 1 (05:37):
My song, Yeah, everybody heard it.
Speaker 2 (05:41):
I love that you're so positive? What do you mean positive? How?
And we're not gonna be wearing this my white the sky.
I made you one. I made you one.
Speaker 1 (05:51):
We're not gonna be We're I don't think we're gonna
have IDs. This is Lacy talking about the Trump presidency
and how bad it's gonna get. But I will have
to I do have to say this. Technically, Lacey's nickname
is Lestradamus because thank you, she has an uncanny ability
(06:13):
to predict what's going on. And she'll just flippantly say
a joke and then the jokes will be real.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
The jokes will be real. So yeah, I'm going to
make a ton all of this.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Yeah, guys, and if you can't support, if you can't
afford my white disguise, I'll get you one. I'm not
gonna you know, I'm not in it for the money,
just trying to let you go to the you want
to go to the grocery store, You put on the costume,
you go.
Speaker 2 (06:38):
You won't get her asked.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
None of this is necessary. I also have to offer
this story. One time one of our friends had ax wild.
She asks too wild all the time, and Lacey was
like she was looking for a job, and Lacy goes, huh.
Speaker 2 (06:58):
That's funny.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
I thought she had a job, because you know, she
had for so long. And Lacy goes, her crazy ass
probably fell down in front of everybody and got fired.
And then it turned out that that is exactly what happened,
and she had a big goose egg on her head
and she had been fired.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
And I was like, that is uncanny.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
To such a throwaway line, probably failing her head everybody.
So as you got fired, why would you why would
that even occur to you to say? Because I know, okay,
so with the white disguise, you get a free Trump,
you get a free Trump. I d that matches your disguise.
I'm doing this so you'll be fine. You'll be fine
to I know you don't want to, None of us
(07:45):
want to when you call me up at two am,
and I know you will. You got any more white
disguises over there? Like, yeah, go on, is this Waite?
Speaker 2 (07:54):
Who is it? Is this Amber Ruffert? The one who
made fun of me? Is Amber Ruffett?
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (07:58):
I got one for you. Yeah, you don't save me
the ugliest one.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Oh, the buck tooth one. Oh yeah, but tooth sharing.
That's gonna be shared because you didn't get it when
they were hot you.
Speaker 2 (08:12):
You didn't pick the good ones. You talked about me.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Okay, No, I won't. I won't give you book tooth share. Yay,
but I'm gonna think about it. Jeez, Louise Lacy. I
think we're all doing a good job. I think so too.
And I think I'm excited to host White House Correspondence
thenner and it's gonna be cute, but it's also going
to be a little bit mean.
Speaker 2 (08:33):
Okay, it's gonna.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Be he's gonna be upset and he's going to talk
about you. He's gonna be tweeting while it happens. Right,
do people still tweet? Is he still a tweeter?
Speaker 2 (08:43):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (08:44):
He's gonna do something. He's gonna go on whatever social
media and he's gonna be talking about it.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
I feel like the what I get to do my
black privileges as a black lady with it with nappy hair.
White people don't really like the real racists, don't. They
can't bear to look at me. No, I don't think
they can tolerate it. I really don't, because it's usually
(09:10):
my face and then in the thumbnail of the video
it's like racism or something, and then they're not clicking
on it. So I rarely I think they are going
to show a clip of you though on Fox, and
that's what I really want to see. Oh my god,
that would rule. I'm gonna show that at clip. But
you know, I'm in the audience. Hopefully they show me
(09:32):
and they're like, audience like, yeah, no, my dream, that's
my dream. Okay, Oh, we have to go take a break.
We have to take a break around of time for this?
Hey everybody, Hey, nobody have time for that except you
stick around. We'll be right back with more of than
Amber and lay Lacy at Amber Show sponsored by My
(09:54):
White Surprise. Hey you need a costume? Do you want
to go to the library today? Without being yelled at? Hey?
(10:18):
Hey everybody, We're back with more than the Amber and
Lacy Lacy and Amber Show. What what I forgot my
show and tell? Do I have time to grab the
show and tell?
Speaker 2 (10:27):
Yeah? For can you stand it? Okay?
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Okay, so hey everyone, we have a segment on the
Amber and Lacy Lacy and Amber Show where it's called
can you Stand It?
Speaker 2 (10:39):
Can You Stand It?
Speaker 1 (10:40):
Is where we tell one another about the people with, places,
or things that are currently changing our lives. Is it
a new can of hairspray, Is it a new matt
finish to your powder face? Or is it a lollipop?
If it's me, it's probably a lollipop. So while Lacey's gone,
(11:02):
and she just ran out of the room to get her,
can you stand it? I just would like to tell
you the following secrets about Lacey. One she's a poop.
Two she poops. Three Lacey Lamar smells like poops. Okay,
(11:22):
we are back with we'd talking.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
And I was talking about you where you were going? Okay.
Speaker 1 (11:38):
Amber just got issued some new medication and the medication
makes her spot lies.
Speaker 3 (11:42):
So I don't know what she's good when I was gone,
but just she needs help, y'all. Okay, we want to
adjust her. Man, She's gonna be good now. My can
you stand it? My?
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Can you stand it? Okay? Here, I'm bretty heavy because
I went up two stairs.
Speaker 1 (12:00):
I haven't stairs in your house is fun until you
leave something down there that's horrible. I there's a small
dog behind me going in saying, Mike, can you stand it? Is?
I've decided to get me and my ladies. We're going
to join a sculpting class. Okay. Fun. So I went
and toward the studio and you know, I got a
(12:24):
little piece of clay while we were touring, and the
guy was like, here, do you want to just do
a little sculpture right here? And I was like what
and show everyone up and show everyone how a beautiful
sculpture I am. So look at my sculpture that I made.
This is only the nose and the mouth. Did you
see how beautiful it is?
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Can you say? Everyone? Okay, do you see that? You
see this? Okay, there you go. Do you see it?
Looks it's beautiful. Now.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
I brought this up because I need you. I'm comparing
this to one of Amber's sculptures.
Speaker 2 (13:00):
What hell is? Damn it?
Speaker 1 (13:01):
What's this mess? Okay, it's a mess. So I'm just
letting you know, nose and lips bobbing.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Okay, that's all I want. That's me. That's my show
and tell.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
But I'm gonna say two or three days, I'm going
to be a world famous sculptor. After world famous, Yeah, okay,
everyone's gonna be coming from all over the world.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
You got any more nose?
Speaker 1 (13:25):
Lips, and I'm gonna be like, yeah, why.
Speaker 2 (13:29):
Did you just do the nose and lips?
Speaker 1 (13:31):
Just started? That's all I did. Mind your business. I'm
the artist here, Okay, okay, I'm the captain. Now look
at me. I made those nose and lips's. It was
beautiful nose and lips. But why what I started with?
Don't question It's just that I have so many questions. No,
I wouldn't be questioning so hard if I wasn't filled
(13:53):
with questions, right, Okay, stop making fun of my thing.
It's funny when we make fun of you, but when
you make fun of me, that's not funny.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
Okay, Amber, do you have a canyon statu? Oh?
Speaker 1 (14:07):
Actually this just happened to me the other day. I
was googling best what's the word that you where you
write on paper?
Speaker 2 (14:19):
The best card stock?
Speaker 1 (14:20):
So then I found the place that has a lot
of really thick, really good card stock, and I was like, oh,
let me see it. I get there and they're like here,
here you go, and they hand me this card stock
and it's the menu of the cheesecake fashery.
Speaker 2 (14:35):
The best person it is the cheesecake factory.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
I'll never not say anything other than cheesecake factory cheesecake
factory rules. So you're going to be writing invitations on
cheesecake factory menus. Is this what you're saying is bountiful,
thick end perfect? That's okay, we'll freeze for a minute,
But it's what you do when you unfreeze that counts.
Speaker 2 (14:56):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Now is your ship plugged in tight enough? Yeah?
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Lacy?
Speaker 1 (15:01):
And I've always said this about you. You you have
loose plugs.
Speaker 2 (15:06):
I knew you were going to say that. Nasty, a
little nasty. It's tough having plugs, it is, it is.
Speaker 1 (15:20):
I know that sounds like you have loose hair plugs
and then your hair is gonna start falling out one
by one man, which man would be so fucking great.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
No, it wouldn't, it would actually rule. It absolutely would not.
Yes it would, Lacey. When's your next? Okay? Oh?
Speaker 1 (15:39):
Yes, I have my d MS and they're ready, they're
hot and ready. But what were you about to say?
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Oh, let's do it? Hey? Everyone?
Speaker 1 (15:50):
On? Why do you and I say hey everyone so often?
Hundred all the time, all the time. Hey everybody. Sometimes
I'm in the kitchen and I can't find something, and
I go Hey, everyone, where is the thing?
Speaker 2 (16:05):
And I'm just doing it all the time. I see
Hey everyone, I can't be stopped. We're ready for the stage. Yay,
Hey everybody. H Hey everyone here.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
On the Amber and Lacy Lacy and Amber Show, we
like to do a segment called please Slide Out of
Lacey's dms, where we read actual dms sent to Lacey
on dating dating apps. I almost said dating sites because
of my age. Okay, Lacey, take it away.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
And not only are they sent to me on dating
sites apps anyone. This is just anything. It could be
in my Facebook d and ms. It could be Instagram.
People will shoot their shot and it's never really great.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
I hate to say it. Here we go.
Speaker 1 (16:48):
This one says, hello, I love oh, I gotta get
the picture ready. I love that you don't wear a
lot of makeup. It's hard to find a woman that
isn't slathered in it. And he sent me a picture.
You know when they send you the little picture and
there's a little comment next to it. So he got
it from my profile. Listen, buddy, this ain't nothing. The
(17:11):
most you ever worn. This is your makeup artists did this.
This was when I was on your show, sir, so
I responded to him.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
In this picture, I'm beyond slathered in it. I'm covered.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
It's a damn makeup, I said, I'm covered, and codd,
it's a damn makeup mask. You absolutely love women in makeup.
You love us, You love women in makeup. If that's
what you chose and said you want a natural woman,
No you don't.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
No, you don't, cause I take that makeup off. You
don't know who I am. You won't recognize me.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
So you you're the opposite of what you're saying.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
Also, the way your dms are, I thought one hundred
percent that you were going to be like and this
was his profile picture, and it would be a man
in makeup.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
That was what I said. I want to see. He
probably did have a little, at least it a little
well contour. That is so funny. You fully TV ready
you don't like women to makeup, You absolutely love you
love us.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
Okay, yeah, that was a full face that took six
hours to get that makeup of. I know that's right,
but thank you for thinking that all that blush was natural.
Speaker 2 (18:23):
Get out of here. Okay, this one, Oh my god,
this hurt my little feelings.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
You know when you know someone from like elementary school
and they reach out to you and you're like, oh
he's cute. Oh my god, look crush and oh now
we're older and we it's like, oh, we made a
full circle at baby, and then we can tell everybody we.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Met the third grade.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
So he reached out to me and he said, so disappointing.
Let me take you out to dinner and you can
find a way to pay me back. Oh oh, when
I tell you, my heart fell. But you know my
level of pettiness. When you go low, I go to hell.
I said, you Pete on yourself during Show and Tell
(19:08):
Miss Dunnan's third grade class, and I left it because
you did. I want to say his first name so bad.
But since there was like twelve of us in class,
everyone's going to go back and know why I don't
have time for this.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
See he did. Didn't you say that? Because he did?
So he did.
Speaker 1 (19:31):
And you're asking for you're asking for favors after a date, sir,
we're going to straight to P. P.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
Johnson. Yeah, you're getting that. That's forty years ago, Pete
and I left it never responded. It's still up. He
didn't respond I didn't black him, he didn't black me.
Maybe he's still thinking that's.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Really extra cold because he knows you remembered it for
forty years this whole time.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Come on, now, that's that's the nightmare.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
You comfort yourself by saying, well, no one remembers it, sir,
Claire is a bell. Claire is a bell. Was still
willing to cheachat with you. I was still like, that's
that point to pee on herself. I'm gonna give them
a chance. And this is what you come at me with.
You're gonna get it. You're gonna get it.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
My last one is okay, this just out of the blue,
just dumb ass. First things they say, will you please
take my virginity? And I just said, no, keep it.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
That's all I did.
Speaker 1 (20:33):
That's just no, I want it. Why do people say
dumb things like that? And are you a virgin? You're fifty, sir,
you're fifty. I don't want it. I don't want it.
I want it. I want it something. The fact that
you held out this lot, I don't want it. It's rotten.
It's like a spire.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
I don't want that your virginity. Virginities do expire they do.
They do.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
You do not get time, then you hasn't broken gotten laid.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Yeah, no, I don't want to.
Speaker 1 (21:03):
Sorry. Virginities expire. You learn that here on the Amber
and Lacey Show. See how easy it is to become
a conspiracy theorist, because how much fun would it have
been to quadruple down and be like, if you don't
lose your virginity, then you lose your virginity expirement. That's
(21:24):
so true. That's how these people are born, Lacey. Let's
start offering one conspiracy theory per show. Absolutely, that was
our first one. Yeah, our first one is virginities expire.
They do so every none not a virgin. Once you
have none of a stortain age gone, then virginity is gone.
(21:48):
Your virginity is gone. Oh how old are you? That
thing expired twelve months ago? I'm sorry, ma'am? Sorry whoever? No,
you wait until fifty. First of all, no, you didn't know,
you didn't, you didn't. Terrible line, terrible line. Okay, I
think it's also time now for sister goold dut dunt
(22:10):
don't godes God.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
That's a good song.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
When we get that album of Amber and Lacy, Lacey
and Ambershaw songs. It's gonna go platinum, It's gonna it's
gonna be bigger than they not like us. Oh, what's
hold on? I got a chit chat about this? What
am I the only? Am I the only person in
the world that is like.
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Okay, Drake's had enough? Leave him alone.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
When I tell you, I don't know anything about Drake.
I don't know anything about Drake. I feel like he's
somewhere crying. I feel it in my heart, and I
feel like he's so so sad. It's the ultimate.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
This is more.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
This is this is more bullying than you peeped in
front of your class.
Speaker 2 (22:52):
This is this is terrible.
Speaker 1 (22:56):
It's I don't feel bad about Pep Johnson, but I
feel bad about Drake. I feel bad about it too,
and I have felt bad about it from the very beginning,
from the second dis track, like this's too far. He
can't he doesn't know because I don't know what he
would have expected. Did he expect to be spared? Did
(23:17):
he think he could win? I don't quite get it.
I don't love it, but it did make for easily
one of the best songs of all time.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
No, don't say it. I don't want to do.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
This.
Speaker 2 (23:33):
I do too, and that's sad. And then he got
a Grammy about it.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
And then as he was walking up to get the Grammy,
every respected musician on earth was singing alonggoing and it's
probably a minor I was like.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Oh shit, that stings. That's stings. That stings. Yeah, I
hope no one dislikes me that bad. One day I
sold that disk track. I've made a amber. Okay, thank you. Sorry,
make a disk track about me.
Speaker 1 (24:05):
You just told me that you can't take a distrack,
so I just canceled it. I think not coming out. Look,
I've been around people talk shit about me on the internet.
It's very it's infrequent, but it does happen. But I'm saying,
if you made a disk track about me, even if
it was bad, the thought, the thought that you would
(24:27):
get up, put on socks, go to a studio and
get out of your car.
Speaker 2 (24:33):
Yeah, make a song that's so cold.
Speaker 1 (24:36):
I've disliked many people, probably hate not not that many
at all, probably almost zero.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
But I can't. My hate has no action behind it.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
My hate is just like I don't like this, and
then that's it and move on to the next thing.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
I can't imagine being fueled by it. And that's the
difference between Amber and I.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
I will write a song today, that's right, I'll write
a song today.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
Lassie will all write a song today. She will.
Speaker 1 (25:07):
Hey, everyone, you know what song we just wrote. It's
time for us to go to the break. Hey, everybody,
hold on to you. But wow, we'll be right back
with more of the Ember and Lacy Lacy and Amber show.
Speaker 2 (25:20):
So stick around or else.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
Hey, everybody, we're back with more of the Embra and Lacy,
Lacy and Amber Show.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
We are going to hit you with the law. We're
taking an oath.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
We're hands on the Bible, and we're about to testify
because it's time for her sister Cord Babbo.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
It's sister Courd.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
We read emails that were sent to us from you,
and then we come down hard pro or con with
our own verdicts. You wrote to us, You asked us
for help. You'll regret it. If you want help from us,
email us at Amberandlacyadvice at gmail dot com. If you
(26:10):
don't want advice from us, email us at Amber and
Lacyadvice at gmail dot com. We'd love to hear from you.
It's time for Sister Courd email number one. Okay, this
one says, how do you eat fruit at the bottom
of a cocktail. I'm currently on vacation and I keeping
(26:31):
served delicious tropical cocktails, but they come with pineapple or
strawberries or something in the glass.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
So when I.
Speaker 1 (26:37):
Drink it, there's fruit at the bottom. Do you just
throw the fruit away? Try to use your straw or
your finger to dig it out. Suggestions are super appreciated here.
I know exactly what Lacy is going to say, so
let me go first. I think you can just tip
the glass up to your mouth and then the fruit
will slide into your mouth. If not, you got to
(27:00):
stab it with a straw and then sloop it into
your mouth. If not, you have to leave it alone.
Do not, I repeat, do not be sticking your little
fingers in there, having everybody watch you root around in
the bottom of your your fill out of you have
to leave there there. You cannot have that pineapple. That
is not for you. Okay, And what I would do
(27:24):
is yell, really loudly, does anybody have a trash can
and throw that cup into the trash. I hate fruit.
You're asking the wrong person. Here hate it fruits to.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
Say he hates fruit like male men hate dogs. She
hates it.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
The fruit has done nothing to her, but try to
be her friend. She don't want it. Do not put
it in my drink. Don't even don't do that. No,
she doesn't, truly doesn't. And I think so she can
certainly this or that she can't.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
I just want to cleaned out a glass.
Speaker 1 (27:56):
I gave my dad some of his homemade lemonade that
had you know, lemonade bits, and when I went to
clean out the glass, a little bit of the pulp
got on my arm.
Speaker 2 (28:05):
It might as well have been vomit. I was like,
oh God.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
Then I thought it's just fruit. Lacy calmed out, But yeah,
that's how I feel about fruit.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
It touched me.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
Guys, she really hates fruit, and I'm sorry about that.
Everyone that she's missing out one of the great joys
of life.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
Fruit.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
Okay, whatever would you like to read the next one?
Or shall I here is? Oh wait, so then that
person is, oh innocent, You're guilty to me, you shouldn't
mean that stuff. But okay, sister, Court scenario number two.
Am I being petty or am I justified? When I
(28:45):
was in college, I dated a guy who would eventually
be my husband. We moved in together pretty quickly. We
were both in our mid twenties when I brought him
to meet my parents over the holidays.
Speaker 2 (28:54):
Even if we lived.
Speaker 1 (28:55):
Together, my mom insisted we sleep in separate rooms because
we weren't married at the time. My parents are divorced
and my mom is seeing a new guy. She's going
to be staying with my husband and I and she'll
be bringing her new boyfriend. I'm thinking about making them
sleep in separate rooms since they aren't married yet. Is
that going too far my pettiness or am I justified
in this? Okay, you're going too far. That's your mama.
(29:17):
She can do whatever the hell she want to do.
She can come in there with two men. Mind your
own Business's your mom. Your mom makes all the rules.
I go into my daughter's house, you better not. You
gotta say nothing to me. That's the joy of being
a parent. Now you can do that to your kids.
It doesn't go reverse, it doesn't go in reverse. You
ain't telling me nothing, nothing, nada. Oh now I'm bringing
three men. Who's that guy that on my DMS? I'm
(29:38):
bringing three No, you can't tell me what to do.
I'm the adult. I will always be. There's a hierarchy
to this, so you can't I know you want. You
can bring it up, bring it up at dinner. Oh,
y'all ain't married yet. Did you sleep in the same
bed last night? You can bring that up. You can
be petty, but you can't tell them not to sleep
in the same bed. That's why you asking us. I
think when they get there, you tell them to sleep
(30:00):
in separate beds, and then you see how far it goes,
and then you go, I'm just kidding. But you remember
when you did this to me? Now do you think
you were being unreasonable?
Speaker 2 (30:10):
Well you were.
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Luckily in my house we're a little more open minded
than that. So thank goodness, who knows where I got
this from, because it wasn't you.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
No, that's petty. Now, that's petty.
Speaker 1 (30:21):
And then that's just randomly in the middle of the
night busting everyone with a flashlight. Kick in fact, be
ready to buy a new door, because I really appreciate
the kicking down of the door. Kick it down, kick
it out. I want the splinters on the side to
shoot out what you're doing. They get a door, you
(30:42):
know that's.
Speaker 2 (30:43):
Up to you.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
Not everybody gets to have a room with a door
on it. You can make it real uncomfortable for him
because they did do you wrong. So I say, go
for it. Go for it, that's right.
Speaker 2 (30:55):
Ah yeah yeah yeah, yea am right? Do I agree
with you? So they are guilty and she is innocent,
that's right?
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Sorry?
Speaker 2 (31:04):
Okay this one.
Speaker 1 (31:07):
How do you feel about not pitching in to a
group birthday gift at work? I'm in an office and
whenever it's someone's birthday, someone always comes around asking for
some cash to help pay for a small gift and
a cake or something. Not to sound like an asshole,
but I don't really care enough to participate. I like
my coworkers well enough, but I don't really feel the
(31:30):
need to bond like that. Would it be bad if
I said no next time they asked me for cash
on the next birthday? Okay, this and I mean this.
Please do not isolate this answer. Don't put it out
on social media. It is the worst thing I have
ever said in my life. People who insist on running
(31:54):
around and getting the cake and getting the present and
making everybody sign the card and this and that and
that and the other.
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Do not have enough stuff going on in their lives.
They just don't.
Speaker 1 (32:08):
I mean, look, I think everything in my life serves
a purpose, and I do not think that birthday and
job overlap in any way whatsoever. I don't need it.
Every office should do what we do here every month.
The first of the month, we go happy birthday everyone
in June, and then we put up a little sign
(32:30):
that says everyone's name, and we put a pie in
the kitchen.
Speaker 2 (32:35):
That's it.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
That's what you get. Now, that's what you're doing. That's fine,
but don't be don't And lady, lady, if you're running
around making everybody sign the card, making everybody give you
five dollars so you can get somebody some mess they
don't want. Girl, read a novel, don't do that. Don't
do that, don't busy yourself. And then I got it.
(32:57):
It's my problem. You ain't got enough to do in
your life.
Speaker 2 (32:59):
Cut that out out.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
So in that way, I'm the coldest motherfucker on earth.
I do not like birthday stuff.
Speaker 2 (33:05):
I don't like it. Yes, you know what.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
I was not on board with a thing you were
saying at first, But then when you said put everybody's
name at the first of the month.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
I love it.
Speaker 1 (33:18):
I love it because we all have given money to Steve.
Nobody likes Steve. I can't stand him. Oh and you
asked for ten dollars. No, I don't want to spend
ten dollars on Steve to make his day better. Oh,
Steve voted to Trump. I don't like Steve. Now you're
going to have someone in here and they're gonna like push,
(33:40):
like slap his food out of his hand.
Speaker 2 (33:42):
You got my tender. We're hiring someone to harass Steve. Okay,
how much right?
Speaker 1 (33:52):
No I have I have contributed a billion dollars to
the group birthdays at work. I mean yeah, And then
you've got to run around.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
You've got to hide the cart. Oh they're coming, hide
the cart.
Speaker 1 (34:03):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
Then you got to get a cake and a gift.
It's a lot.
Speaker 1 (34:07):
It was a lot all the time. All the time,
it was a cake and a gift, a cake and
a gift. I just don't think that's what work is for.
And if you think everyone needs a morale boost.
Speaker 2 (34:18):
You're right they do.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
Then fucking Taco Tuesday or some shit some goofy goofy
goofy hat day and not even Taco Tuesday, because I
don't want people's money. Casual Wednesday dressed like a twin day,
you know, silly hair day, bad shit. Do Spirit Week,
but do it at work, but don't be taking people's money.
Don't take people's money.
Speaker 2 (34:39):
I don't like that.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
Because Happy Birthday is free and birthdays are for children.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
Amber does not care about the birthdays.
Speaker 1 (34:47):
Meanwhile, I'm trying to go listen to some smooth jazz
on my birthday, and I am let's turn this all
about me, Okay. I found out where Chad Stoner chat
Stoner is gonna make. You can google chat Stoner everybody.
He's an amazing jazz musician and he mm mmmmm mmm mmmm.
I went and listened to him last week and it
was great. He will play some R and B, just
(35:10):
instrumental R and B, which Amber and I have told
you a million times.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
Love it. I mean he was playing the Angelo Digelo.
Speaker 1 (35:17):
Now you think you're not gonna love you would if
you heard it, you would love it. And Chad Stoner,
I don't know if Amber knows this. I know him
from church. He used to be praise and worship guy
that used to come. I used to work at a
place for wayward girls, and he would come there on
Sundays and do church. He would do the little praise
(35:40):
and worship, and Chad Stoner looks really good. So I
kept wondering, well, all these little girls going to church.
Speaker 2 (35:46):
What's going on.
Speaker 1 (35:46):
They were like, oh, we got to go to church,
full face of makeup going, And then I went, Okay,
the man looks very nice. But he's a very good
saxophone saxophone player. He's great, He's wonderful. And that's how
I know. I've known him for twenty plus years, so
because I've known him from church. When I went to
the concert, it wasn't really a concert, but I went
to see him play last week. He goes, now, even
(36:08):
though we're in a bar, I'm about to play a
song that shouldn't be here. And he played like a
sweet R and B version of Wade in the Water,
and you know, I had to listen.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
It was great. I had to yell out let him
use you, baby, let me abuse you.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
But it was good.
Speaker 2 (36:26):
You didn't think it was wrong there.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
Yeah, I love it, love it, love it. And I've
never seen him do that, but he does some. He
does all your favorites Anita Baker, Luther, everybody, Lacy. I
don't know how we got on that.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
We got to go to middle aged lady fest. Why
isn't that that chase go to. We're gonna just slow.
There's not too many of us. There's no stairs. It's
not gonna be no stairs in middle aged.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
Ladies' flat somehow. It's just everywhere you go is downhill.
Lady yay?
Speaker 2 (37:05):
Where is this event at? Always down that hill? Okay,
thank you? Now get oh down another you got me?
You can have my eight dollars. It costs eight dollars.
Oh oh, I'm not going eight dollars. I'm telling you.
Speaker 1 (37:25):
This might not be the best lad This might not
be the middle the best middle aged lady beest ambers
we have okay, all right, well, hey everyone, thanks for
tuning in today. We laughed, we loved, we shared. We
want to leave you today with this thought. I'm so scared,
(37:46):
just kidding, that is very real thought, though, America help you.
Uh hey, we love you and have fun and goodbye.
Oh Lacy, yes, how can people find you on social media?
They can find me at Lacy lamar one though. I mean,
I'm not gonna lie I did just join What did
(38:06):
I join?
Speaker 2 (38:07):
Blue Sky? Blue Sky?
Speaker 1 (38:08):
And I don't know what I am on there. When
I find out, I'll come back next time, guys and
tell you. I think it's Lacy Lamar.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
Oh, good job. Why doesn't someone look and you call me?
My number is and I'm Amber.
Speaker 1 (38:21):
Ruffin across all socials, I assume, well, we've been The
Amber and Lacy, Lacy and Amber Show.
Speaker 2 (38:26):
We love it very much. Good night and goodbye, good.
Speaker 1 (38:32):
Night and my bye. The Amber and Lacy, Lacy and
Amber Show is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money
Players and iHeartRadio podcast. It's created and hosted by Amber
Ruffin and Lacy Lamar. Executive produced by Noah Avlar and
Hans Sonni, super produced by Becca Ramos. Because She's a
(38:55):
Superhero co produced by Victor Wright, Edited and mixed by
Ty Herd.
Speaker 2 (38:59):
Music by David Schmoll.
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