August 8, 2024 • 25 mins
How do I make a good first impression? What's the polite way to end an awkward first date? Manners expert and self-described “Miss Manners with a touch of Machiavelli” Sara Jane Ho has the answers. She’s the host of Netflix’s “Mind Your Manners” and the founder of an etiquette school in China and she’s on a mission to help women move confidently through the world. She joins The Bright Side to empower our besties with practical etiquette tips to get you ahead in life.
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hey, Bessie's Hello Sunshine.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Today on the bright Side, join us for a crash
course in navigating tricky social situations with the etiquette expert
Sarah Jane Hoe. From mastering the proper way to split
a birthday dinner bill to how to exit a conversation
at a party without any awkwardness. Tune in and level
up your social skills with style and even a little humor.
(00:25):
It's Thursday, August eighth. I'm Danielle Robe and.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
I'm Simone Voice, and this is the bright Side from
Hello Sunshine, a daily show where we come together to
share women's stories, lave, learn and brighten your day.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Manners Manners, Manners, Etiquette, ECTICU Connectiquette. How do you feel, Simone?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Okay, here's my question about modern etiquette, Danielle. Do you
find yourself more often than not pleasantly surprised by other
people and their etiquette or unfortunately disappointed.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
I'm gonna be honest, I am constantly shocked by people's
lack of manners and etiquette.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
I'm so glad you said that, because I feel the
exact same way. Really, yes, I feel like where is
everyone's mother's like who raised you?
Speaker 2 (01:13):
And fathers. Yes, where did where did they come from? Like,
I don't understand why basic things that I guess you
and I take for granted are not practiced in society.
I find it constantly in airports and airplanes because like
the worst of people come out. It's like animalistic on
an airplane.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Yeah, this is true.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
But even basic stuff like holding doors or saying excuse
me if you knock into somebody. I found it. It's
gotten worse since COVID.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Yes, this is true. Well, okay, when you said airplanes
made me think of our debate that we were having
the other day in Nashville. I knew, So are you
gonna bring this up public? We're gonna bring it up. Okay,
settle a debate for us, everyone right side? Besties? Can
you take your shoes off on a plane. My approach
is you can take them off as long as you
have like some civilized cute socks to wear. Maybe you
(02:04):
know airplane socks. What do you think?
Speaker 2 (02:06):
So that's team Simone. If your team Danielle, you feel
like it's never okay to take your shoes off on
an airplane. The only time I think it's okay is
if you're in your own little pod. Like if you
are lucky in sitting in business class or first class
and no one's around you, it's okay. If you are
in coach with me, you better keep your shoes on.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Okay, But what about like a twenty hour flight from
here to Asia? Would you not take off your shoes
on a twenty four hour flight?
Speaker 2 (02:33):
I flew to Japan and China and I kept my
shoes on.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Why do you have such strong airplane etiquette, Danielle? Where
does this come from?
Speaker 2 (02:44):
I think there's different etiquette for when you are alone
somewhere versus when you are sharing space with other people,
and there's certain things you just don't do. Like your
feet are probably a little smelly, don't like I don't
want to see them outside of your shoes. We wear
shoes in public for a reason.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Just get some of that lavender magnesium spray and then
everyone will be happy. Okay. I recently wore pajamas on
the plane. What do you think about that? Were you
silently judging me? No?
Speaker 2 (03:11):
I actually loved it. The pajamas were very cute. And
also what you wear doesn't affect me, So I'm good
with whatever you want to do. But once you take
your feet out of your shoes, it starts to affect me.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Okay, so your thing is airplane etiquette for me. I
think people be acting a full round birthdays. I just
think that the expectations are two great nowadays. I think
people are expecting the attendees to shell out a lot
of money for something that happens every single year, same day,
same time. And I think we see this same pattern
(03:43):
when it comes to weddings and bridal parties and bachelorette parties. Like,
my kind of people are the people who are really
just gracious and understanding of the fact that everyone is
coming into the celebration with a different level of means.
And I think being a good friend and having good
etiquette means being conscious of that. Yeah, that's why we
(04:05):
are so happy that we have Sarah Jane Hoe here
today because she is going to settle many a score
for us. She's a Harvard Business School grad, the founder
of an etiquette school in China, and really, at the
end of the day, here's her why. She says she's
on a mission to help women move through the world
more confidently and often. That can include improving our manners
or learning more about manners internationally. I mean, she's lived
(04:27):
all around the world and she brings that lived experience
when she explores how culture impacts different social norms.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
And speaking of those social norms, here's a fun fact post.
Malone once reached out to her on his trip to
Asia to ask her how to navigate some of those
social differences. So she is really the go to expert.
And here's what I particularly love about her work. Yes,
manners and etiquette are about decorum, but they are also
about our relationships. Sarah Jane Hoe says, manners actually create ease,
(04:58):
which elevate our connections. So let's get into it. After
the break, We're talking modern manners with etiquette expert Sarah
Jane Hoe.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Stick with us, Sarah Jane, Welcome to the bright Side.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
Thank you, thank you for having me. Ladies.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
Sarah Jane Simone and I were just talking about the
lack of manners and etiquette that we see play out
in our own lives when it comes to birthdays and airports.
But we want your expert opinion on a different scenario.
We've both experienced this. Okay, let's say I'm at a
party and I want to end a conversation with somebody.
(05:38):
What is the most polite way to do that?
Speaker 4 (05:40):
Well, the great thing is you're at a party, so
you can use other people as props, and as long
as you're able to do it in an agreeable tone. I
mean usually, Like, the thing is that you don't want
to leave someone alone, right, So what I would say is,
so I'm gonna go meet my friend, would you like
to come with me? And then usually you'll kind of
lose them in the crowd. I love that, right, you
speak yeah, and you know, listen, Like, I'm not pretending
(06:04):
to be miss goody two shoes. I'm mismattered with a
touch of Machi belli. So okay, we got to be practical.
I'm not telling anybody how to be a good person. Like,
how you want to live your life is up to you.
I'm just giving you etiquette tips, practical tips that can
help you get ahead in your life.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
That's interesting, Well, that little machiavellian portion reminds me of
some research that you've presented. You've said that it can
take as little as a second and up to two
minutes for someone to make a first impression. What is
the secret to making a good first impression? How do
you make the most of it?
Speaker 4 (06:38):
Well, you know, if it's less than a second, that's
before you even open your mouth. And so that's visually.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
How are you presenting yourself?
Speaker 1 (06:46):
So what are we talking about with the visuals? Is
it posture? Is it the way you're dressed?
Speaker 4 (06:50):
Yeah, I mean it could be body language. So for example,
are you approaching people like with closed body language? And
just things like if you're wearing glasses, your glasses dirty
and stained.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
Or are they clean?
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Right?
Speaker 4 (07:04):
It is your hair greasy? Basic hygiene is a huge thing.
So hair, skin, face, nails, all these things. Is your
manicure half grown out? You know, I don't do manicures
on my fingers because I'm really sporty, so I'm always
breaking something. And then if you don't up keep it
straight away, then it looks you know, you're looking behind.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
Yeah, so we've got the visual component of the first impression.
What comes next.
Speaker 4 (07:25):
Eye contact and smile? You know, there's something funny about smiling. Plusly,
it costs you nothing. Secondly, it's behavior from the outside in.
So if we all smile now, right, big smile, it
actually makes you feel happier, even if you want into
originally feeling that happy.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
You also want to smile back. It's like a compulsion.
Speaker 4 (07:46):
Yes, and babies and this is in research before they
even know how to speak. If you smile a baby
from no matter where they are in the world, they
will smile back at you. It's the one universal language.
And so to me, it's establishing a rapport. It's positive energy.
It brings so much joy to the other person, right,
they immediately feel like smiling back. And I say, because
(08:07):
some people like, oh what if the other person doesn't
smile back? What if they ignore me? You know what,
that's more of their issue than yours, because they may
be having a bad day or they're probably just not
a very confident or happy person, and that's not your problem.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Yeah, well said, etiquette has a lot to do with ease,
and that makes me think of putting people at ease
and our connections and our relationships with people. How do
you think understanding manners and etiquette helps strengthen those relationships
and those connections.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
Yeah, Sometimes people will come up to me and they'll say,
Sir Jane, I have really bad etiquette because I'm too honest.
But that person doesn't exactly understand the meaning of etiquette,
because etiquete should not be restricting people thinking, Oh, it
means that I can't say what I feel, I can't
do what I want, I can't say I noticed something,
(09:00):
I countant boundaries. But actually etiquette empowers you to, let's say,
in a networking reception or a cocktail or a party,
identify somebody who's interesting to you, or maybe a perspective
customer that you want to approach. You have the tools
and confidence to go approach them, introduce yourself, initiate conversation.
(09:21):
You also have the sensitivity to know when you should
end a conversation with that person, so you're not hogging
their time when everybody should be mingling, and you know
how to end the conversation a way that makes them
want to see you again, that doesn't offend, that's elegant,
that makes them open to leaving you their contact information.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
What should we do in that scenario. Let's say, because
this is actually really valuable advice, I go to events
all the time. Let's say there's someone across the room
that I want to go up and introduce myself to.
What is the best way to do that.
Speaker 4 (09:51):
Well, first you have to see is this person alone
or are they in a one on one conversation where
it's just two of them, or are they in a
bigger group conversation. And because if they're one on one
in a really intense convo, then you might want to
wait till they've broken that up, right, And then the
first thing you should do is go over there, hover,
(10:11):
get eye contact. Once you have eye contact, then everything
else is easy. Right. You immediately smile. That should be
like your reflex after making eye contact with someone, and
then immediately say Hi, you know I'm I'm Sarah Jane Hoe.
I've been following your work and I'm really intrigued.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
I just wanted to introduce myself.
Speaker 4 (10:30):
If you don't follow all those things back to back,
then you're in this awkward position where, Okay, you've made
eye contact, the person knows you're there, but then you
haven't jumped in and introduced yourself, right, and you're kind
of left hanging.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
And if you jump in with like a whole story
about their work before you introduce yourself, it gets a
little awkward too, totally.
Speaker 4 (10:48):
So you want to say enough where they're interested, but
not too much where like it just becomes a one
sided monologue.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Right, yeah, also can look too thirsty that way.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Yeah, You've lived all the world, Papua New Guinea, the UK,
the US, Taiwan, Hong Kong. How has living in all
these different cultures influenced your approach to etiquette?
Speaker 4 (11:11):
You know what's funny Because my dad he did oil exploration,
and that's why we lived in Papua New Guinea, which
is between Indonesia and Australia. I was conceived there. I
spent the first few years of my life there. I
would run around buck naked. And then I had to
move to the UK and that was about the age
where I started going to school. I had to wear
a pinafore for uniform, a little bowling hat, and proper shoes,
(11:34):
and I didn't like to wear shoes. My parents used
to complain that they really struggled to keep me fully
clothed in the UK because I was so accustomed to
running aroun naked on a beach in pap New Guinea.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
And then when I.
Speaker 4 (11:44):
Moved from the UK to Asia, to China or to
Taiwan and Hong Kong, I got there and I was like, WHOA,
what's what are these Chinese people doing?
Speaker 3 (11:52):
Because I thought I was white because.
Speaker 4 (11:54):
I lived in the UK at that time, and everybody
at my school was like, you know English, and my
parent and had to tell me that you are Chinese.
But then what began as a survival tool for me, right,
just going to such different foreign places and acclimating then
became my life's work. And I often say, in fact,
I begin my book Mind Your Manners the book by
(12:17):
saying that I see myself as a microcultural anthropologist. Anthropology
is a study of human behavior, and each day all
of us move across multiple microcultures, whether it's at school,
in the office, at home, in the office. Different departments
could be different microcultures. Accounting could be more quiet and reserved.
Advertising is maybe more rowdy. Right, And each time I'm
(12:42):
in a new microculture or meeting somebody new or in
a new country, the first thing I'm doing is seeing
myself as in the field, which is observation really, and
I'm thinking, what are the codes of conduct here, how
people dressed, what is the volume they're speaking at, what's
the sline they're using, And I'm just suggusting myself ever
so slightly so that they feel comfortable around me, which
(13:04):
makes me feel comfortable around them, which actually is human beings.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
Is what we want, that sense of belonging and community.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
Is there a piece of etiquette advice that's outdated for
today's world? Is there, you know, like an etiquette practice
that we can just get rid of and throughout the window?
Speaker 4 (13:22):
Now at this point, ooh, so I say that etiquette
changes every five years. I'd say before it used to
be every ten years. But with the digital age, huh,
everything's quicker, So every five years something is being outdated. So,
for example, one off the top of my head, because
I was just asked about this and in a recent interview,
is how necessary is it to have handwritten notes?
Speaker 3 (13:44):
Handwritten thank you letters?
Speaker 5 (13:45):
Right?
Speaker 4 (13:45):
Should you handwrite a thank you letter? Should you email
a thank you letter? I said, it really depends. I mean,
if let's say you're interviewing for a tech company or
finance company and you send the interviewer a handwritten one, Firstly,
it may take a couple days before they receive it,
and secondly, you might seem out of touch because it's
a tech company or a finance company. And whereas if
(14:06):
let's say you just had to spend a nice vacation
with a family, friend or somebody who's older.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
Then you might want to write a handwritten letter.
Speaker 4 (14:17):
So when some people say yes, everything has to be
a handwritten thank you note, maybe fifteen years ago, but
not today necessarily.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
So in tandem with this, let's talk about gift giving,
because what I'm learning from you is that it's part
thoughtfulness and part context. How do you determine the right
gift for every occasion? Are there questions that you can
ask yourself?
Speaker 4 (14:38):
Yeah, well, of course, the more you know about the receiver,
the better. And then one thing that I talked about
with gift giving that a lot of people that caught
a lot of attention recently and I didn't anticipate would
catch so much attention, is how people from different cultures,
how they open their gifts. In Asian countries, if somebody
gives me a gift, if I open it in front
(14:59):
of them, it's usually seen as being greedy and having
no self restraint. So if I were in an Asian
country and somebody from Asia I gave me a gift,
I would receive it, put it away, not give it
any attention until they left right, and then open it then.
Whereas in the States, if an American friend gives me
a gift, I open up the cod right, make a
(15:22):
huge fuss of it, read it out what like, line
by line, and then ooh and ah over the packaging,
undo the ribbon, open it up and say, oh my gosh,
that's exactly what I wanted for my South of France
summer vacation.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
That American accent.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
I've spent enough time in the States.
Speaker 4 (15:42):
And then and then when I do wear it or
use it, I take a picture of it, post on
Instagram stories and tag.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Them, oh, yeah, that's me. I want to know that
you liked it. I want you to open it in
front of me. I want you to make a big deal.
I want all the fanfare.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
But what you're talking about, too, is the etiquette of
being a good receiver. Because I feel like I'm not
as great of a receiver. I get embarrassed if I
said my mom anything she called, oh, I love the
color and I'm gonna wear it here. She's so specific.
And I try and learn from that because it is
your right. Somm like. It is really nice to hear
feedback about again.
Speaker 4 (16:17):
You want you want to feed the ego of the giver.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
Right, These are such great tips Okay, we need to
take a quick break, but when we come back, Etiquette
Expert Sarah Jane Hoe, we'll share some advice on how
to handle splitting the bill at a group dinner, how
to politely end an awkward first date, and so much more.
Stay with us. We're back with etiquette Expert Sarah Jane Hoe.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
Okay, you've shared such great advice today, so we want
to get your take on some sticky social situation.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
Who bring it on?
Speaker 2 (16:51):
You're okay with that?
Speaker 3 (16:52):
Yep?
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Okay, I'm gonna come out the gate pretty hot disciplining
other people's children. So I'm gonna give you the situation.
You're on an airplane. The family in front of you
has two boys, ages five and seven. They're playing loud
video games, lots of music, lots of dinging, and you've
politely asked the parents if the children have headphones. They
(17:13):
sort of dismiss you. What's the next step?
Speaker 4 (17:17):
Cool for the stewardo stewardess and tell them privately, say
there's a huge ruckusts over there, because it needs to
come from a place of authority, Okay, And if they
say it, it's because clearly you tried it didn't work.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
And if they say it, then it should have more effect.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Okay, I have a question about group dinner etiquette. People
have different budgets. Some people don't drink, others have food sensitivities.
How do you politely request to itemize a bill at
a restaurant if you're uncomfortable with the financial expectation.
Speaker 4 (17:50):
Yeah, we've all been there. Maybe we came to the
dinner late. Maybe we only had a main course, whereas
another person had like five drinks.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
Right, so they make up eighty percent of the bill.
And so here's the thing.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
If you're going to a group event, you kind of
just have to buy the bullet and expect that it's
not going to be sent for cent. But that's my
personal thing is like, Okay, I'm gonna buy the bullet
like it's a group thing.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
This is what I expect.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
I did an Instagram video on this, yeah, and got
a lot of backlash about people being like, no, I
only ate twenty one dollars worth, so I'm not gonna
nobody should coerce me into pay more. And then ideally
you have cash, because when you have credit card, it's
very you don't want to be that one person amongst
(18:36):
ten credit card, right, like, you know, holding the hostess
up by like fifteen minutes.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Yeah, we've all either been that friend or been with
that friend.
Speaker 4 (18:43):
Right, So then you you say, guys, I only had
a Maine and it's twenty I'm gonna put in twenty
five to include tip, and so here's my cash, you
guys put the rest right, you have to bring cash.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
I want to know what some of your other hot
take etiquette videos are. What are what are the videos
the social videos that elicit the most responses and controversy.
Speaker 4 (19:02):
Well, oh, here was a fun one and it actually
showed cultural context. So I get a lot of dms
with questions and so I answer them by video. One
of them was I often forget someone's name at a
party or someone comes up to me, I forgot the name.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
How should I deal with it?
Speaker 4 (19:17):
And in my answer I said, I will never admit
confess to letting on that I've forgotten who they are,
and so I will say so some of the comments
with you say oh, Sarah Jane, like so good to
you again, and I'll be like, yes, gosh, when was
the last time we met again? So I'm not lying, right,
but I'm trying to ask for clues and hues so
I can place them, and then, you know, maybe the
(19:39):
most I'll ask somebody else what was their name? Or
I'll say if I'm really desperate, if there's nobody else around,
I'll say, yes, of course.
Speaker 3 (19:45):
I remember, So what was your name? Again?
Speaker 4 (19:47):
So I remember them, but I just didn't remember the name.
And then there was some comments on that Instagram that said, oh,
like why would you lie? You should just straight up
and say, oh, I don't remember you, what's your name?
Speaker 1 (19:59):
You have to lie sometimes that's etiquette.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
And so and yeah.
Speaker 4 (20:03):
So I was like, this is really interesting, and there
were quite a number of comments saying like, oh, you
shouldn't lie. It's bad to lie. It's bad to lie,
like da da da da da. Just just it's as
simple as that. Just be like I'm sorry, I forgot
who you are?
Speaker 3 (20:15):
What's your name?
Speaker 4 (20:16):
And so I thought, and I was like, well, this
is super interesting. And then I respond to the comments
and I said, maybe this is a cultural difference because
I'm from Asia, and in Asia there's a huge thing
about giving people face. You don't want to let other
people lose face, so embarrassing them losing face, I mean
it's you would rather like lie and say you remember them,
whereas like if you say, what is your name? I
(20:36):
forgot who you are. That's the ultimate offense. That's like
telling people they're worthless and they're nobody in Asian cultures,
whereas and I said, maybe in an American culture, maybe
it's okay.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
I always bring a friend over and introduce them. That's
my hack.
Speaker 3 (20:51):
It's the best hack.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
And then they I get them to say their name
so I can record it exactly. Nobody knows they're none
the wiser.
Speaker 3 (20:59):
That's the number one go to tip.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Okay, Sarah Jane, we have some listener questions for you.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
Love listening to questions. Let's hear it first step.
Speaker 6 (21:08):
Hi, sar Jeane, thank you so much for taking my question.
My name is Emma, and I am out there. I'm
trying to date, but it's pretty exhausting and I just
want to know what's a way that I can gracefully
excuse myself from a date when I realize there's not
a connection. And I'm not talking about the minute I
(21:31):
sit down. I'm just saying I've had one drink, it's
not working. How do I call a quick ending to
the encounter.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
Thanks so much, Emma, I love you, I am you.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
I am so happy you asked this, Sarah Jane.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
What do you think?
Speaker 4 (21:48):
Yeah, And so this is why for first dates, you
never wanted to be dinner or a meal or something
where you're forced to spend you know, sixty to ninety minutes.
So smart a coffee or a drink is the best
way to go. I would even say stall with coffee
because you want to see what they look like in daytime,
and with drinks so you can still control that. But
it just feels like drinks may need to be longer
(22:09):
than a coffee. Now, I would say, even with a coffee,
at least give it fifteen minutes, Like, you know, the
person put.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
Their face on, put their clothes on, they traveled over
here to meet you.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
Fifteen is very short.
Speaker 4 (22:23):
I'm saying minimum. That's what I've done on a first date.
About maybe I probably did twenty minutes. Was when I
then looked at my watch and I said, well, you know,
it was thank you so much for.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
Coming out and meeting with me.
Speaker 4 (22:37):
And what do you have planned for the rest of
the day. Hey, listen, like there's only twenty four hours
in a day. If you want to give longer, if
you have more time in your day, you want to
give thirty minutes, you want to give forty five minutes,
that's up to you. But the best way to end
it is to then ask them, well, it was so
great meeting you, so what do you have planned for
(22:57):
the rest of the day, because that pushes them there
attention from like being on you to oh I need
to go pick up my kids. Oh I need to
you know, go to the post office or run an errand,
and then you maybe look at your watch say oh, gosh,
like I just realized, like I need to go back
and meet at four o'clock deadline something for my boss
that they wanted. If that's still talking, but I'm in
(23:18):
a rush, I don't want it to be too abrupt,
so I'll say, oh, let's walk in talk, let's walk
to our cause that's a good one.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Right up, next, we've got a question from a Sebastian
in Los Angeles.
Speaker 5 (23:29):
Either My name is Sebastian and I just had a
quick question on proper host etiquette.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
How do you.
Speaker 5 (23:35):
Politely uninvite someone from a party that you had previously
invited while still maintaining your friendship with them and doing
so in a polite manner.
Speaker 4 (23:43):
Listen, we've all been there when we're like, ah, Okay,
maybe I should have invited this person. It really is
bad etiquette to disinvite them. But what you can say
is you can say something like, oh, we've moved the meal.
We're postponing the dinner because the guests of honor can't
make it, or like blah blah blah.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
This only works if they don't know the other people.
Speaker 4 (24:03):
Who are coming right then you can say, ah, I'm
moving the meal to another day. I'll let you know
when it is, and then you just don't let them
know when the other days, or you wait till another
time when it's better to invite them and you include them.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
If they do know.
Speaker 4 (24:16):
The other people going, then that can be awkward. It
also depends like, are you what's the reason that you're
uninviting them for? Have they done something to greatly offend
you in the interim? In that case, you can be honest.
You can say, listen, like what you did to me
for blah blah blah really hurt me. I'm not ready
(24:38):
to see you or speak to you right now, and
I'm not comfortable with you coming to my dinner anymore.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
I need some time and I'll reach out when I'm ready.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Right.
Speaker 4 (24:49):
If let's say they didn't do anything and you just
want to uninvite them from the dinner, that's a little trickier.
Just make sure you don't post on social media and
make sure everybody else is in the no. But then
the risk with that is it could get back to them.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
I that that's really good.
Speaker 4 (25:05):
Thank you so much, great, thank you, Simone, Thank you, Danielle.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Sarah Jane Sarah Jane Hoe is an author, et aiquidd expert,
and Daytime Emmy nominated host of Mine Your Manners on Netflix.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
That's it for today's show. Tomorrow, we're popping off with
Taren Delaney Smith and achiang Agutu, co hosts of Hello,
Sunshine's new talk show.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
Influenced Listen and Follow the bright Side on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
I'm Simone Voice. You can find me at Simone Voice
on Instagram and TikTok.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
I'm Danielle Robe on Instagram and TikTok. That's ro b
a Y.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
We'll see you tomorrow, keep looking on the bright side,
Hey, Bessie's Hello Sunshine.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
Today on the bright Side, join us for a crash
course in navigating tricky social situations with the etiquette expert
Sarah Jane Hoe. From mastering the proper way to split
a birthday dinner bill to how to exit a conversation
at a party without any awkwardness. Tune in and level
up your social skills with style and even a little humor.
(00:25):
It's Thursday, August eighth. I'm Danielle Robe and.
Speaker 1 (00:28):
I'm Simone Voice, and this is the bright Side from
Hello Sunshine, a daily show where we come together to
share women's stories, lave, learn and brighten your day.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Manners Manners, Manners, Etiquette, ECTICU Connectiquette. How do you feel, Simone?
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Okay, here's my question about modern etiquette, Danielle. Do you
find yourself more often than not pleasantly surprised by other
people and their etiquette or unfortunately disappointed.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
I'm gonna be honest, I am constantly shocked by people's
lack of manners and etiquette.
Speaker 1 (01:07):
I'm so glad you said that, because I feel the
exact same way. Really, yes, I feel like where is
everyone's mother's like who raised you?
Speaker 2 (01:13):
And fathers. Yes, where did where did they come from? Like,
I don't understand why basic things that I guess you
and I take for granted are not practiced in society.
I find it constantly in airports and airplanes because like
the worst of people come out. It's like animalistic on
an airplane.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Yeah, this is true.
Speaker 2 (01:34):
But even basic stuff like holding doors or saying excuse
me if you knock into somebody. I found it. It's
gotten worse since COVID.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Yes, this is true. Well, okay, when you said airplanes
made me think of our debate that we were having
the other day in Nashville. I knew, So are you
gonna bring this up public? We're gonna bring it up. Okay,
settle a debate for us, everyone right side? Besties? Can
you take your shoes off on a plane. My approach
is you can take them off as long as you
have like some civilized cute socks to wear. Maybe you
(02:04):
know airplane socks. What do you think?
Speaker 2 (02:06):
So that's team Simone. If your team Danielle, you feel
like it's never okay to take your shoes off on
an airplane. The only time I think it's okay is
if you're in your own little pod. Like if you
are lucky in sitting in business class or first class
and no one's around you, it's okay. If you are
in coach with me, you better keep your shoes on.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
Okay, But what about like a twenty hour flight from
here to Asia? Would you not take off your shoes
on a twenty four hour flight?
Speaker 2 (02:33):
I flew to Japan and China and I kept my
shoes on.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Why do you have such strong airplane etiquette, Danielle? Where
does this come from?
Speaker 2 (02:44):
I think there's different etiquette for when you are alone
somewhere versus when you are sharing space with other people,
and there's certain things you just don't do. Like your
feet are probably a little smelly, don't like I don't
want to see them outside of your shoes. We wear
shoes in public for a reason.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
Just get some of that lavender magnesium spray and then
everyone will be happy. Okay. I recently wore pajamas on
the plane. What do you think about that? Were you
silently judging me? No?
Speaker 2 (03:11):
I actually loved it. The pajamas were very cute. And
also what you wear doesn't affect me, So I'm good
with whatever you want to do. But once you take
your feet out of your shoes, it starts to affect me.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Okay, so your thing is airplane etiquette for me. I
think people be acting a full round birthdays. I just
think that the expectations are two great nowadays. I think
people are expecting the attendees to shell out a lot
of money for something that happens every single year, same day,
same time. And I think we see this same pattern
(03:43):
when it comes to weddings and bridal parties and bachelorette parties. Like,
my kind of people are the people who are really
just gracious and understanding of the fact that everyone is
coming into the celebration with a different level of means.
And I think being a good friend and having good
etiquette means being conscious of that. Yeah, that's why we
(04:05):
are so happy that we have Sarah Jane Hoe here
today because she is going to settle many a score
for us. She's a Harvard Business School grad, the founder
of an etiquette school in China, and really, at the
end of the day, here's her why. She says she's
on a mission to help women move through the world
more confidently and often. That can include improving our manners
or learning more about manners internationally. I mean, she's lived
(04:27):
all around the world and she brings that lived experience
when she explores how culture impacts different social norms.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
And speaking of those social norms, here's a fun fact post.
Malone once reached out to her on his trip to
Asia to ask her how to navigate some of those
social differences. So she is really the go to expert.
And here's what I particularly love about her work. Yes,
manners and etiquette are about decorum, but they are also
about our relationships. Sarah Jane Hoe says, manners actually create ease,
(04:58):
which elevate our connections. So let's get into it. After
the break, We're talking modern manners with etiquette expert Sarah
Jane Hoe.
Speaker 1 (05:06):
Stick with us, Sarah Jane, Welcome to the bright Side.
Speaker 3 (05:13):
Thank you, thank you for having me. Ladies.
Speaker 2 (05:16):
Sarah Jane Simone and I were just talking about the
lack of manners and etiquette that we see play out
in our own lives when it comes to birthdays and airports.
But we want your expert opinion on a different scenario.
We've both experienced this. Okay, let's say I'm at a
party and I want to end a conversation with somebody.
(05:38):
What is the most polite way to do that?
Speaker 4 (05:40):
Well, the great thing is you're at a party, so
you can use other people as props, and as long
as you're able to do it in an agreeable tone. I
mean usually, Like, the thing is that you don't want
to leave someone alone, right, So what I would say is,
so I'm gonna go meet my friend, would you like
to come with me? And then usually you'll kind of
lose them in the crowd. I love that, right, you
speak yeah, and you know, listen, Like, I'm not pretending
(06:04):
to be miss goody two shoes. I'm mismattered with a
touch of Machi belli. So okay, we got to be practical.
I'm not telling anybody how to be a good person. Like,
how you want to live your life is up to you.
I'm just giving you etiquette tips, practical tips that can
help you get ahead in your life.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
That's interesting, Well, that little machiavellian portion reminds me of
some research that you've presented. You've said that it can
take as little as a second and up to two
minutes for someone to make a first impression. What is
the secret to making a good first impression? How do
you make the most of it?
Speaker 4 (06:38):
Well, you know, if it's less than a second, that's
before you even open your mouth. And so that's visually.
Speaker 3 (06:45):
How are you presenting yourself?
Speaker 1 (06:46):
So what are we talking about with the visuals? Is
it posture? Is it the way you're dressed?
Speaker 4 (06:50):
Yeah, I mean it could be body language. So for example,
are you approaching people like with closed body language? And
just things like if you're wearing glasses, your glasses dirty
and stained.
Speaker 3 (07:02):
Or are they clean?
Speaker 2 (07:04):
Right?
Speaker 4 (07:04):
It is your hair greasy? Basic hygiene is a huge thing.
So hair, skin, face, nails, all these things. Is your
manicure half grown out? You know, I don't do manicures
on my fingers because I'm really sporty, so I'm always
breaking something. And then if you don't up keep it
straight away, then it looks you know, you're looking behind.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
Yeah, so we've got the visual component of the first impression.
What comes next.
Speaker 4 (07:25):
Eye contact and smile? You know, there's something funny about smiling. Plusly,
it costs you nothing. Secondly, it's behavior from the outside in.
So if we all smile now, right, big smile, it
actually makes you feel happier, even if you want into
originally feeling that happy.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
You also want to smile back. It's like a compulsion.
Speaker 4 (07:46):
Yes, and babies and this is in research before they
even know how to speak. If you smile a baby
from no matter where they are in the world, they
will smile back at you. It's the one universal language.
And so to me, it's establishing a rapport. It's positive energy.
It brings so much joy to the other person, right,
they immediately feel like smiling back. And I say, because
(08:07):
some people like, oh what if the other person doesn't
smile back? What if they ignore me? You know what,
that's more of their issue than yours, because they may
be having a bad day or they're probably just not
a very confident or happy person, and that's not your problem.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Yeah, well said, etiquette has a lot to do with ease,
and that makes me think of putting people at ease
and our connections and our relationships with people. How do
you think understanding manners and etiquette helps strengthen those relationships
and those connections.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
Yeah, Sometimes people will come up to me and they'll say,
Sir Jane, I have really bad etiquette because I'm too honest.
But that person doesn't exactly understand the meaning of etiquette,
because etiquete should not be restricting people thinking, Oh, it
means that I can't say what I feel, I can't
do what I want, I can't say I noticed something,
(09:00):
I countant boundaries. But actually etiquette empowers you to, let's say,
in a networking reception or a cocktail or a party,
identify somebody who's interesting to you, or maybe a perspective
customer that you want to approach. You have the tools
and confidence to go approach them, introduce yourself, initiate conversation.
(09:21):
You also have the sensitivity to know when you should
end a conversation with that person, so you're not hogging
their time when everybody should be mingling, and you know
how to end the conversation a way that makes them
want to see you again, that doesn't offend, that's elegant,
that makes them open to leaving you their contact information.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
What should we do in that scenario. Let's say, because
this is actually really valuable advice, I go to events
all the time. Let's say there's someone across the room
that I want to go up and introduce myself to.
What is the best way to do that.
Speaker 4 (09:51):
Well, first you have to see is this person alone
or are they in a one on one conversation where
it's just two of them, or are they in a
bigger group conversation. And because if they're one on one
in a really intense convo, then you might want to
wait till they've broken that up, right, And then the
first thing you should do is go over there, hover,
(10:11):
get eye contact. Once you have eye contact, then everything
else is easy. Right. You immediately smile. That should be
like your reflex after making eye contact with someone, and
then immediately say Hi, you know I'm I'm Sarah Jane Hoe.
I've been following your work and I'm really intrigued.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
I just wanted to introduce myself.
Speaker 4 (10:30):
If you don't follow all those things back to back,
then you're in this awkward position where, Okay, you've made
eye contact, the person knows you're there, but then you
haven't jumped in and introduced yourself, right, and you're kind
of left hanging.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
And if you jump in with like a whole story
about their work before you introduce yourself, it gets a
little awkward too, totally.
Speaker 4 (10:48):
So you want to say enough where they're interested, but
not too much where like it just becomes a one
sided monologue.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Right, yeah, also can look too thirsty that way.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Yeah, You've lived all the world, Papua New Guinea, the UK,
the US, Taiwan, Hong Kong. How has living in all
these different cultures influenced your approach to etiquette?
Speaker 4 (11:11):
You know what's funny Because my dad he did oil exploration,
and that's why we lived in Papua New Guinea, which
is between Indonesia and Australia. I was conceived there. I
spent the first few years of my life there. I
would run around buck naked. And then I had to
move to the UK and that was about the age
where I started going to school. I had to wear
a pinafore for uniform, a little bowling hat, and proper shoes,
(11:34):
and I didn't like to wear shoes. My parents used
to complain that they really struggled to keep me fully
clothed in the UK because I was so accustomed to
running aroun naked on a beach in pap New Guinea.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
And then when I.
Speaker 4 (11:44):
Moved from the UK to Asia, to China or to
Taiwan and Hong Kong, I got there and I was like, WHOA,
what's what are these Chinese people doing?
Speaker 3 (11:52):
Because I thought I was white because.
Speaker 4 (11:54):
I lived in the UK at that time, and everybody
at my school was like, you know English, and my
parent and had to tell me that you are Chinese.
But then what began as a survival tool for me, right,
just going to such different foreign places and acclimating then
became my life's work. And I often say, in fact,
I begin my book Mind Your Manners the book by
(12:17):
saying that I see myself as a microcultural anthropologist. Anthropology
is a study of human behavior, and each day all
of us move across multiple microcultures, whether it's at school,
in the office, at home, in the office. Different departments
could be different microcultures. Accounting could be more quiet and reserved.
Advertising is maybe more rowdy. Right, And each time I'm
(12:42):
in a new microculture or meeting somebody new or in
a new country, the first thing I'm doing is seeing
myself as in the field, which is observation really, and
I'm thinking, what are the codes of conduct here, how
people dressed, what is the volume they're speaking at, what's
the sline they're using, And I'm just suggusting myself ever
so slightly so that they feel comfortable around me, which
(13:04):
makes me feel comfortable around them, which actually is human beings.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
Is what we want, that sense of belonging and community.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
Is there a piece of etiquette advice that's outdated for
today's world? Is there, you know, like an etiquette practice
that we can just get rid of and throughout the window?
Speaker 4 (13:22):
Now at this point, ooh, so I say that etiquette
changes every five years. I'd say before it used to
be every ten years. But with the digital age, huh,
everything's quicker, So every five years something is being outdated. So,
for example, one off the top of my head, because
I was just asked about this and in a recent interview,
is how necessary is it to have handwritten notes?
Speaker 3 (13:44):
Handwritten thank you letters?
Speaker 5 (13:45):
Right?
Speaker 4 (13:45):
Should you handwrite a thank you letter? Should you email
a thank you letter? I said, it really depends. I mean,
if let's say you're interviewing for a tech company or
finance company and you send the interviewer a handwritten one, Firstly,
it may take a couple days before they receive it,
and secondly, you might seem out of touch because it's
a tech company or a finance company. And whereas if
(14:06):
let's say you just had to spend a nice vacation
with a family, friend or somebody who's older.
Speaker 3 (14:13):
Then you might want to write a handwritten letter.
Speaker 4 (14:17):
So when some people say yes, everything has to be
a handwritten thank you note, maybe fifteen years ago, but
not today necessarily.
Speaker 2 (14:25):
So in tandem with this, let's talk about gift giving,
because what I'm learning from you is that it's part
thoughtfulness and part context. How do you determine the right
gift for every occasion? Are there questions that you can
ask yourself?
Speaker 4 (14:38):
Yeah, well, of course, the more you know about the receiver,
the better. And then one thing that I talked about
with gift giving that a lot of people that caught
a lot of attention recently and I didn't anticipate would
catch so much attention, is how people from different cultures,
how they open their gifts. In Asian countries, if somebody
gives me a gift, if I open it in front
(14:59):
of them, it's usually seen as being greedy and having
no self restraint. So if I were in an Asian
country and somebody from Asia I gave me a gift,
I would receive it, put it away, not give it
any attention until they left right, and then open it then.
Whereas in the States, if an American friend gives me
a gift, I open up the cod right, make a
(15:22):
huge fuss of it, read it out what like, line
by line, and then ooh and ah over the packaging,
undo the ribbon, open it up and say, oh my gosh,
that's exactly what I wanted for my South of France
summer vacation.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
That American accent.
Speaker 3 (15:39):
I've spent enough time in the States.
Speaker 4 (15:42):
And then and then when I do wear it or
use it, I take a picture of it, post on
Instagram stories and tag.
Speaker 1 (15:48):
Them, oh, yeah, that's me. I want to know that
you liked it. I want you to open it in
front of me. I want you to make a big deal.
I want all the fanfare.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
But what you're talking about, too, is the etiquette of
being a good receiver. Because I feel like I'm not
as great of a receiver. I get embarrassed if I
said my mom anything she called, oh, I love the
color and I'm gonna wear it here. She's so specific.
And I try and learn from that because it is
your right. Somm like. It is really nice to hear
feedback about again.
Speaker 4 (16:17):
You want you want to feed the ego of the giver.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
Right, These are such great tips Okay, we need to
take a quick break, but when we come back, Etiquette
Expert Sarah Jane Hoe, we'll share some advice on how
to handle splitting the bill at a group dinner, how
to politely end an awkward first date, and so much more.
Stay with us. We're back with etiquette Expert Sarah Jane Hoe.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
Okay, you've shared such great advice today, so we want
to get your take on some sticky social situation.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
Who bring it on?
Speaker 2 (16:51):
You're okay with that?
Speaker 3 (16:52):
Yep?
Speaker 2 (16:52):
Okay, I'm gonna come out the gate pretty hot disciplining
other people's children. So I'm gonna give you the situation.
You're on an airplane. The family in front of you
has two boys, ages five and seven. They're playing loud
video games, lots of music, lots of dinging, and you've
politely asked the parents if the children have headphones. They
(17:13):
sort of dismiss you. What's the next step?
Speaker 4 (17:17):
Cool for the stewardo stewardess and tell them privately, say
there's a huge ruckusts over there, because it needs to
come from a place of authority, Okay, And if they
say it, it's because clearly you tried it didn't work.
Speaker 3 (17:31):
And if they say it, then it should have more effect.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Okay, I have a question about group dinner etiquette. People
have different budgets. Some people don't drink, others have food sensitivities.
How do you politely request to itemize a bill at
a restaurant if you're uncomfortable with the financial expectation.
Speaker 4 (17:50):
Yeah, we've all been there. Maybe we came to the
dinner late. Maybe we only had a main course, whereas
another person had like five drinks.
Speaker 3 (17:59):
Right, so they make up eighty percent of the bill.
And so here's the thing.
Speaker 4 (18:04):
If you're going to a group event, you kind of
just have to buy the bullet and expect that it's
not going to be sent for cent. But that's my
personal thing is like, Okay, I'm gonna buy the bullet
like it's a group thing.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
This is what I expect.
Speaker 4 (18:15):
I did an Instagram video on this, yeah, and got
a lot of backlash about people being like, no, I
only ate twenty one dollars worth, so I'm not gonna
nobody should coerce me into pay more. And then ideally
you have cash, because when you have credit card, it's
very you don't want to be that one person amongst
(18:36):
ten credit card, right, like, you know, holding the hostess
up by like fifteen minutes.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Yeah, we've all either been that friend or been with
that friend.
Speaker 4 (18:43):
Right, So then you you say, guys, I only had
a Maine and it's twenty I'm gonna put in twenty
five to include tip, and so here's my cash, you
guys put the rest right, you have to bring cash.
Speaker 1 (18:53):
I want to know what some of your other hot
take etiquette videos are. What are what are the videos
the social videos that elicit the most responses and controversy.
Speaker 4 (19:02):
Well, oh, here was a fun one and it actually
showed cultural context. So I get a lot of dms
with questions and so I answer them by video. One
of them was I often forget someone's name at a
party or someone comes up to me, I forgot the name.
Speaker 3 (19:16):
How should I deal with it?
Speaker 4 (19:17):
And in my answer I said, I will never admit
confess to letting on that I've forgotten who they are,
and so I will say so some of the comments
with you say oh, Sarah Jane, like so good to
you again, and I'll be like, yes, gosh, when was
the last time we met again? So I'm not lying, right,
but I'm trying to ask for clues and hues so
I can place them, and then, you know, maybe the
(19:39):
most I'll ask somebody else what was their name? Or
I'll say if I'm really desperate, if there's nobody else around,
I'll say, yes, of course.
Speaker 3 (19:45):
I remember, So what was your name? Again?
Speaker 4 (19:47):
So I remember them, but I just didn't remember the name.
And then there was some comments on that Instagram that said, oh,
like why would you lie? You should just straight up
and say, oh, I don't remember you, what's your name?
Speaker 1 (19:59):
You have to lie sometimes that's etiquette.
Speaker 3 (20:01):
And so and yeah.
Speaker 4 (20:03):
So I was like, this is really interesting, and there
were quite a number of comments saying like, oh, you
shouldn't lie. It's bad to lie. It's bad to lie,
like da da da da da. Just just it's as
simple as that. Just be like I'm sorry, I forgot
who you are?
Speaker 3 (20:15):
What's your name?
Speaker 4 (20:16):
And so I thought, and I was like, well, this
is super interesting. And then I respond to the comments
and I said, maybe this is a cultural difference because
I'm from Asia, and in Asia there's a huge thing
about giving people face. You don't want to let other
people lose face, so embarrassing them losing face, I mean
it's you would rather like lie and say you remember them,
whereas like if you say, what is your name? I
(20:36):
forgot who you are. That's the ultimate offense. That's like
telling people they're worthless and they're nobody in Asian cultures,
whereas and I said, maybe in an American culture, maybe
it's okay.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
I always bring a friend over and introduce them. That's
my hack.
Speaker 3 (20:51):
It's the best hack.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
And then they I get them to say their name
so I can record it exactly. Nobody knows they're none
the wiser.
Speaker 3 (20:59):
That's the number one go to tip.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Okay, Sarah Jane, we have some listener questions for you.
Speaker 3 (21:05):
Love listening to questions. Let's hear it first step.
Speaker 6 (21:08):
Hi, sar Jeane, thank you so much for taking my question.
My name is Emma, and I am out there. I'm
trying to date, but it's pretty exhausting and I just
want to know what's a way that I can gracefully
excuse myself from a date when I realize there's not
a connection. And I'm not talking about the minute I
(21:31):
sit down. I'm just saying I've had one drink, it's
not working. How do I call a quick ending to
the encounter.
Speaker 3 (21:40):
Thanks so much, Emma, I love you, I am you.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
I am so happy you asked this, Sarah Jane.
Speaker 1 (21:46):
What do you think?
Speaker 4 (21:48):
Yeah, And so this is why for first dates, you
never wanted to be dinner or a meal or something
where you're forced to spend you know, sixty to ninety minutes.
So smart a coffee or a drink is the best
way to go. I would even say stall with coffee
because you want to see what they look like in daytime,
and with drinks so you can still control that. But
it just feels like drinks may need to be longer
(22:09):
than a coffee. Now, I would say, even with a coffee,
at least give it fifteen minutes, Like, you know, the
person put.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
Their face on, put their clothes on, they traveled over
here to meet you.
Speaker 2 (22:21):
Fifteen is very short.
Speaker 4 (22:23):
I'm saying minimum. That's what I've done on a first date.
About maybe I probably did twenty minutes. Was when I
then looked at my watch and I said, well, you know,
it was thank you so much for.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
Coming out and meeting with me.
Speaker 4 (22:37):
And what do you have planned for the rest of
the day. Hey, listen, like there's only twenty four hours
in a day. If you want to give longer, if
you have more time in your day, you want to
give thirty minutes, you want to give forty five minutes,
that's up to you. But the best way to end
it is to then ask them, well, it was so
great meeting you, so what do you have planned for
(22:57):
the rest of the day, because that pushes them there
attention from like being on you to oh I need
to go pick up my kids. Oh I need to
you know, go to the post office or run an errand,
and then you maybe look at your watch say oh, gosh,
like I just realized, like I need to go back
and meet at four o'clock deadline something for my boss
that they wanted. If that's still talking, but I'm in
(23:18):
a rush, I don't want it to be too abrupt,
so I'll say, oh, let's walk in talk, let's walk
to our cause that's a good one.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Right up, next, we've got a question from a Sebastian
in Los Angeles.
Speaker 5 (23:29):
Either My name is Sebastian and I just had a
quick question on proper host etiquette.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
How do you.
Speaker 5 (23:35):
Politely uninvite someone from a party that you had previously
invited while still maintaining your friendship with them and doing
so in a polite manner.
Speaker 4 (23:43):
Listen, we've all been there when we're like, ah, Okay,
maybe I should have invited this person. It really is
bad etiquette to disinvite them. But what you can say
is you can say something like, oh, we've moved the meal.
We're postponing the dinner because the guests of honor can't
make it, or like blah blah blah.
Speaker 3 (24:02):
This only works if they don't know the other people.
Speaker 4 (24:03):
Who are coming right then you can say, ah, I'm
moving the meal to another day. I'll let you know
when it is, and then you just don't let them
know when the other days, or you wait till another
time when it's better to invite them and you include them.
Speaker 3 (24:15):
If they do know.
Speaker 4 (24:16):
The other people going, then that can be awkward. It
also depends like, are you what's the reason that you're
uninviting them for? Have they done something to greatly offend
you in the interim? In that case, you can be honest.
You can say, listen, like what you did to me
for blah blah blah really hurt me. I'm not ready
(24:38):
to see you or speak to you right now, and
I'm not comfortable with you coming to my dinner anymore.
Speaker 3 (24:44):
I need some time and I'll reach out when I'm ready.
Speaker 2 (24:48):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Right.
Speaker 4 (24:49):
If let's say they didn't do anything and you just
want to uninvite them from the dinner, that's a little trickier.
Just make sure you don't post on social media and
make sure everybody else is in the no. But then
the risk with that is it could get back to them.
Speaker 1 (25:02):
I that that's really good.
Speaker 4 (25:05):
Thank you so much, great, thank you, Simone, Thank you, Danielle.
Speaker 1 (25:09):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Sarah Jane Sarah Jane Hoe is an author, et aiquidd expert,
and Daytime Emmy nominated host of Mine Your Manners on Netflix.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
That's it for today's show. Tomorrow, we're popping off with
Taren Delaney Smith and achiang Agutu, co hosts of Hello,
Sunshine's new talk show.
Speaker 2 (25:27):
Influenced Listen and Follow the bright Side on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 1 (25:35):
I'm Simone Voice. You can find me at Simone Voice
on Instagram and TikTok.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
I'm Danielle Robe on Instagram and TikTok. That's ro b
a Y.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
We'll see you tomorrow, keep looking on the bright side,
Host
Simone Boyce
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