Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
So I made a bet with a gentleman by the
name of Jalen Bronson. He's a basketball player for the
we call them the New York Knickerbockers. He's a point
guard for our New York nicker Barers. He and I
made a bet about two months ago. His bet was,
if the New York Giants lose to the Philadelphia Eagles
in the regular season, I have to wear a Saquon
(00:29):
Barkley Eagles jersey to Madison Square Garden. I accepted this bet,
even though this bet is in inevitability, like the Giants suck,
Like the Giants won three games this year, and the
Eagles are in the Super Bowl. And that was It's
not like that surprised me. It didn't sneak up on me.
(00:51):
Like when he asked me. I was thinking in my head, like,
but the Giants suck. But I didn't say, like, give
me points. I just went like ooky. And so Saturday night,
this Saturday night, I went to the Knicks game in
a Saquon Barkley Eagles jersey and an Eagles bucket hat.
(01:13):
And I was in my home arena booed relentlessly and
by the way, like not just in the arena, on
the street, like walking by pretzel guys who were like
you chuck. So that was my weekend. So good luck
(01:36):
in the super Bowl.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
Oh question over the hand back? Yeah, over name.
Speaker 4 (01:43):
Yeah, how did you find your interview character? Some guy
just like like skid on the floor when you want
to sing.
Speaker 3 (01:50):
It what you say?
Speaker 5 (01:52):
Oh, this never.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
Happens by all. So I just walked backstage. I'll speak
loudly because I'm not where the might know.
Speaker 1 (02:07):
But they said that you're very excited today because today
you just found out that you would become an American citizen.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
That's alive.
Speaker 4 (02:19):
That's all right, that's a crazy it's a crazy day.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
That's about that.
Speaker 5 (02:24):
You.
Speaker 3 (02:24):
That's good that the best, right.
Speaker 4 (02:49):
Worst interview ever just wouldn't leave. Yeah, it's a crazy
experience to become a US is on the same day
you're suposed to interview Bill Murray. So I guess that's
a it's been a long day. I had to go
for an interview. They asked you like a hundred questions.
It's questions which I bet none of you could find answer.
(03:12):
And I have to memorize how many colonies there were
and there was like a state and who's the president
right now? It was very difficult.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
Now I'm going to bring out somebody right now who
has also been through a lot. He is a correspondent
on the show. But he hurt his foot. Yeah, he
heard his his fife. He tripped on a curb. So
I'm going to bring him out now, very slowly, but
I want you to give him encouragement. Michael Consto ladies
(03:46):
and gentlemen.
Speaker 5 (03:52):
Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, all right, hold on, you want
(04:13):
to see.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
Here's my favorite thing about this. His crutches are my height.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
I'll tell you what I mean.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
How are you feeling?
Speaker 3 (04:22):
I really did a number on my ankle?
Speaker 2 (04:25):
Do you want to tell the story? So can I?
Can I tell? Michael was like an actual, like real
kind of world class athlete, to be honest, like it's
kind of unusual for comedy, Like he has a functioning
body and face.
Speaker 3 (04:41):
Uh.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
So when he came in, I thought this was Michael
was like a world class tennis player, and so I
thought it was that. Yeah, and it was. I fell
off a curb.
Speaker 6 (04:54):
My wife and four year old went skiing. I was
in charge of the two year old, so I took
her to a water park. No one else got injured
except for me. I was the only one not doing anything,
and I fell on a curb.
Speaker 3 (05:10):
And I'm at that age, John, people.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Were at the age where if I had fallen on
a curb, I would no longer be working in show business.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
Well and also selfishly, people came over to check on me.
Speaker 6 (05:25):
I thought, they're really checking on my child. So you
had your child, you had my child with me and
she was she was crying, but she was more crying
like how did you fall on the curb?
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Anyways, it was a cry of disappointment. You you're okay now?
Speaker 3 (05:41):
So are you x rayed? A broken not x rayed?
I know, super swollen. I also have to host this week.
Speaker 6 (05:49):
And I just I get annoyed that you get so
much attention on Mondays.
Speaker 3 (05:52):
So I wanted to hurt myself.
Speaker 6 (05:54):
But you you played collegiate soccer.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
I did play collegiate tccer, but I will not to
be self effacing. It was in the eighties when talcer,
I mean the level we could still use our hands.
It was really at that point in American talcer was
more like elevated kickball. What made you want to do
(06:21):
any entertainment, at least TV.
Speaker 6 (06:25):
Well, there's like the bullshit answer of you know, it's
important to question societal's rules, And there's the real answer,
which is I'm the youngest of four kids. I'm still
trying to get my parents' attention. My mom tells the
(06:45):
story that we would sit at this dinner table in
Michigan and when the sun would go down this the
glass door would become reflective and I could never sit
in this one seat because I would just stare at
myself the whole time, like and I was like, well, yeah,
that's because you guys never looked at me, so I
had to stare at myself.
Speaker 3 (07:05):
I love comedy. Holy shit, do I love comedy. We
get to make people laugh.
Speaker 6 (07:09):
Once your guard is down, we can maybe sneak an
important message in maybe not. It feels good to laugh
for once you feel present moment when you're laughing. There's
very few rules in comedy. If I say something brilliant,
it's like, holy shit, he's an excellent journalist.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
If I say something stupid, it's like relax. I'm a comedian.
It's like.
Speaker 6 (07:32):
It's amazing that people get mad when comedians say things
that are truthful and not as mad when politicians do.
This is just such a wonderful I grew up in
an Annabur, Michigan, which is a wonderful Midwest town of
sensibilities of both sides, very educated, and I just think
it just fits perfectly for me, and I'm thankful for that,
(07:53):
and also how I ended up here. Holy shit, this
is like there's very there's very few places like this
of late night.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
I told you when we first met, we came in today.
There's no show. There's no show.
Speaker 6 (08:04):
There's a blinking cursor on a blank computer, and we
create the show.
Speaker 3 (08:09):
We meaning me, I write the show. No, there's two.
There's a lot of people. But it's very fun.
Speaker 6 (08:14):
And here's the thing it's also fun is that no
matter how today went, tomorrow there's a show too.
Speaker 3 (08:18):
So we'll be back.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Because we've already paid for him with our somebody. I'll
keep going to the hospitals. You know, it's important to
remember who the real heroes are. So my favorite thing
(08:52):
out of all that sort of Indy five hundred pit
stop trying to keep the car on the road was
and I'm not even sure where who said it, but
they just go you want some duct tape on that
old electricians, old electricians trick. I'm like sure. For those
of you who watched the show for many, many years,
you will know. This is the second time that I
(09:14):
have going for physical comedy cut myself to the point
right in its stitches. When did we do it? The
last time? It was a Marguerita blender with me and
Oliver and I hit it down and like just drew
blood and Oliver couldn't have been happier. I've never seen
anything like it. He sat there gleefully watching and that
(09:38):
was more of an artery. I was just spurting everywhere.
And at one point he yells at me, it's just
a flesh wound.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
Stop making such a big deal of it.
Speaker 2 (10:05):
That's not good. I'm probably gonna need to go to
the hospital.
Speaker 7 (10:14):
And as for you, Stuart, and you're visibly visibly injured hand.
That's a genuine problem. That's a genuine problem. That's that's yep.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
We better hard up this because I am bleeding out.
Speaker 7 (10:35):
Mother John, let's it toss it in he can, he
can swap himself down. You're fine, You're fine.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
Thank you all very much. Fire. There's really there's no
dignified way to do this really is there? Oh and
by the way, the story that I'm going to tell
my wife and children when I get home very different
than the one that.
Speaker 3 (10:58):
There.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
I was on fifty falf intention an old woman being
hounded by thugs and Bulgarians. I swung my fist.
Speaker 8 (11:13):
Was there ever a moment of empathy did stuck out
with you at one of those rallies? A moment of
empathy that stuck out with me?
Speaker 4 (11:18):
Something like?
Speaker 8 (11:22):
No, that is a good question. I you know what,
there is one of the last route, one of the
well not even like this last election cycle. I went
to a rally in Green Bay, Wisconsin, and it was
terrible weather and we were talking to people in the morning,
and as I was talking to people, there's this guy
who dresses in a brick suit suit. It's a bespoke
(11:45):
suit that looks like Trump's wall, and he has a
handlebar mustache and he dresses like the wall. And he's
one of the first people in line, and Trump often
brings him up on stage, so he's a mini celebrity there.
And he started hounding us at this rally, and he
was streaming and he was saying, fuck these guys. Don't
talk to these guys. These guys are fake news. And
to be fair, he's right, but he sort of trolled
(12:09):
us for hours that day. He literally took out a
phone and he stuck it into a wall. He's obsessed
with wolves to try to capture something. Our crew was
on a smoke break and he wanted to try to
capture something to get them in trouble. And it was
a long, hellish day of filming, and it was a snowstorm,
and so we rushed to the airport and we got
(12:30):
snowed into Green Bay, Wisconsin for the night because we
usually try to leave, and so we stay in Green Bay.
And the next day we all leave on different flights
and I go to the airport alone and I show
up at the airport and my flight is delayed three
and a half hours, and who is there but bricksuit man.
And this is the Green Bay Airport, so nobody else
(12:51):
is there. And he looks at me and he says,
do you want to talk? And obviously I'm like, no,
I don't want to talk. This is a nightmare. And
this is before I'm with four security guards and real talk.
Security protocol has changed since the story but I sat
down with him, and for the first half hour, I'll
sort of feeling each other out. But then once we
got past this fear one his fear that like I
(13:13):
got a camera crew trying to catch him, and my
fear that he's trying to have some sort of gotcha
moment me as well, we started talking about shit. I
started to learn about him, he started to learn about me.
I asked him about things that I thought were bs
about Donald Trump. He was open and vulnerable things and
the weaknesses he saw in Donald Trump. Like there wasn't
a middle ground that we found, but there was a
softening in those relations. And I'd like to tell you
(13:35):
that like bricksuit guy was crazy and he's not. He
was a smart guy. He was an ideological guy. He
was a conservative guy, more libertarian, loved to be a
shit poster on the internet, but he wasn't an idiot.
We talked for three and a half hours, and as
we walk we literally get on the plane. We walk,
We're talking all the way up to get on the
plane and I show my tickets to the ticket taker
(13:59):
and she goes, oh, you're in an egxer row, And
I'm like, oh, and I'm like, she says, do you
accept the responsibilities of being the EXI row, and I say, yes,
I do. And then I turned to Bricksuitka and I say,
I hope this freaks you out, and then you know
what happens. He laughs, And to me, that is that
is the whole thing. Like he wasn't offended, he didn't
(14:21):
take it personally. He found humor in that moment. And
I'm like, I find optimism in that. I don't know
how to recreate three and a half hours in a
Green Bay airport with a nemesis of yours, but I
know that, like there's a softening when you remove the cameras,
when you move the fear that this conversation isn't just
transaction for a gotcha moment, but an actual conversation about
(14:44):
the things that you care about and things you're unsure about.
I think that kind of vulnerability, that kind of uncertainty,
is paramount in any kind of situation that you you
hope to find any kind of humanity or common ground,
And so I think that is there. I don't. I
think we live in a media environment that cultivates that situation,
but I think we are humans that necessitate it, and
(15:07):
so that has not been erased by Donald Trump, but
it has been pushed to the sides of the conversation.
And so if we can find a way to allow
that conversation to not exist only on the periphery, but
somewhere in our own lives, I think we're going to
get through that cool because of then, Yeah.
Speaker 6 (15:30):
What do you say to your critics are saying that
you're being white on the fascist message system?
Speaker 2 (15:35):
Oh, I tell my critics, shut up, You're a fascist.
Speaker 5 (15:41):
No.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
So I do appreciate that because I understand the desire,
but like I'm very big on and I know it's annoying,
but specificity and nuance, And I think if you cry
fascism at every administrative overreach, even the ones that are
(16:03):
constitutionally okay, you will find yourself out of fascism bullets
when the time really comes to remind people of because
you will. I think what the media has done over
the last ten years is cry wolf to the point
where they numbed everybody. It was an anesthetic and it
(16:24):
got to where what was the thing they litigated throughout
this campaign? He's a fascist, He's a terrible person. Democracy
is on the ballot. Guess what lost at the bat
If you told us democracies on the ballot, well, democracy
got its ass kicked by a majority vote. So I'm
very cautious about when to know, Like, yeah, hopefully I
(16:46):
won't do it the night after Crystal knocked. I'll get it. Like,
but it's like when do you put your dog down?
Like it's one of those things, like you're not quite sure.
But I do understand how annoying that is.
Speaker 4 (17:02):
I was just wondering, you know, how do you maintain
a sense of hope and levity when times.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
How do you keep laughing? Right? How old are you?
I'm nineteen years old and the world's already beat the
shit out of here, and that it's always the young
dudes that are like, I have a quick question. I'm
nineteen years old when hope is gone, when the darkness
(17:40):
slowly creeps down. Uh, I'm sixty one, so I'm already
an injury time Like so I'm I'm I'm good. I'm
actually weirdly always optimistic.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
We go.
Speaker 2 (17:56):
I think maybe that is the horizon of history. I
came up at a time in the sixties where we
had all these great leaders and we killed all of them,
every single one, and then we went to Vietnam and
law and then Watergate, like shit was just unraveling. So
I do think it gives you a sense of oh,
(18:19):
it's always a mess, like and and what that makes
you realize is, oh, so it's just it's just that's
the game. We buckled down. You gotta lunch pail it,
and you carry through like you're nineteen, like you'll someday
when you're sixty one and people be saying like, how
do you maintain optimism and be like, you have no
idea what it was like when I was a kid,
(18:39):
Like you will be that guy to be able to say, like,
you think it bad now and obviously, look it is.
These are tenuous times and maybe even we'll talk a
little bit about that on the program, and I I'm
a terrible times good thing, no, But because part of
(19:00):
the issue is, like you just want someone to talk
to you like you're a human, like you're an adult,
not like they're like it's a work, not like it's
they're they're spinning you or any of those. That's my
biggest complaint with all of this. Nobody expects perfection. Everybody
knows that the obstacles and all the things that are
(19:21):
going to be thrown in front of us are going
to be arduous. That's life, Like, it's life is hard,
you know, but you just want someone to not bullshit
you when what you know, you see and hear is
what you've see. Like, that's all that that you can
really do. But how do you maintain So you're nineteen?
So are your friends optimistic or pessimistic? Or do they
(19:42):
not talk about it? Or are they just on discord
being racist? What is going on?
Speaker 5 (19:49):
God?
Speaker 3 (19:49):
I mean, I think a lot of people are pessimistic.
I mean, how do I maintain optimism?
Speaker 5 (19:53):
Yes?
Speaker 3 (19:54):
I try to laugh. I watched the Daily Show.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
You Yeah, so here's the only thing I would say.
I'm glad you do that. But really we write it
for eight year olds, so nineteen is a little above
our pay grade.
Speaker 5 (20:09):
But is it? I do?
Speaker 2 (20:10):
I do remember nineteen? Like that age, there is a
certain existential anxiety that creeps in because the world does listen.
It feels out of control. You probably know more about
it now than we did when I think one of
the things that's probably harder for kids now is you
are the amount of information that you absorb is probably,
(20:31):
but I would imagine hopefully your brains will evolve to
you know, because when I was a kid, like TV
happened and everybody's like, that will run, don't sit in
front of the TV and eat and just watch TV.
And now you'd be so happy if your children would
do that, Like you'd just be like, don't send pictures
of your dick to people like.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
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Speaker 2 (21:12):
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