February 23, 2023 • 8 mins
There are millions of women who don't want children, so why are they being shamed by society? Chelsea Handler tackles being childless by choice and why motherhood is not for everyone.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You're listening to Comedy Central. One thing that I have
made abundantly clear is that I do not want children.
I say it on stage, I say it in interviews.
It's the first thing I say to myself in the
mirror when I wake up each morning, right before I
tell myself, God, you're a dynamic woman. Kids don't respect me,
(00:27):
and quite frankly, the feeling is mutual. And the fact
is there are millions of women just like me, but
for some reason, every single one of us, at some
point in our lives is shamed by society for not
wanting a baby. And that's what I want to talk about.
It to night installment of Long Story Short. In America
(00:50):
and honestly everywhere, motherhood is treated as a woman's essential
purpose in life, as if our destiny is to let
a tiny stranger rip a hole through our Pikachu from
the inside out, and then as soon as we turn eighteen,
we're just supposed to sit back and wait for Nick
Cannon to impregnate us. And look, I have infinite respect
(01:14):
for moms, but motherhood is hard. It's so hard it
even broke Marie Condo tightening upwards her life's work. Then
she has kids and was like it. Living in squalor
is fine, So it really shouldn't be surprising that some
women aren't signing up. But many people aren't just surprised,
(01:36):
they're horrified. Childless women are seen as unfulfilled, unhappy. Even
the Pope has slammed us, saying that not having children
is selfish. First of all, I am not going to
take procreation advice from a guy who's never even penetrated anyone, well,
(01:58):
not that we know of, anyway. And what's crazy is that,
for some reason, people feel entitled to tell you what
a horrible person you are right to your face. When
people ask me do you have children? And I say no,
they always look at me then and say, oh, I'm sorry,
as if like there's something like physically wrong with me.
(02:19):
And I've had people break down in tears to me
about the fact that me not having children is robbing
them of something. I've gotten everything from your selfish for
not wanting children. Your childhood must have been terrible. If
you don't want to have children, are you one of
these career thirsty women that doesn't want children? And how
could you deny your man the chance to have children?
(02:41):
I wouldn't want to be with you. Yes, because men
are so upset every time they're denied a chance to
have a child. Watch an episode of Maury Povich to
see how excited men get to find out that they
are the father. And it's bad enough when people judge
(03:01):
your life choices. But apparently childless women aren't just harming themselves,
we're actually destroying society. You look at Kamala Harris AOC.
The entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people
without children. And how does it make any sense that
we've turned our country over to people who don't really
have a direct stake at it. We're effectively run in
this country via the Democrats, via our corporate oligarchs buy
(03:24):
a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at
their own lives and the choices that they've made, and
so they want to make the rest of the country
miserable too. It maybe if you two weren't such boner killers,
women would want to have more children. I don't want
to make the country miserable. I love this country. It's
(03:46):
where all of my things are, and I've got news
for everyone. Instead of shaming childless women for what we're
doing to the country. You should be thanking us. We
are saving society. We are more likely to give our
money to charity. We have a lower carbon footprint, or
the reason there are fewer screaming children on airplanes, in
movie theaters and restros. And every baby we don't give
(04:13):
birth to is one less baby that could grow up
to be the next Elon Musk. And guess how many
children he has? Nine? You better bring them all to
Mars with you, buddy. Okay, And when are you going
to Mars? Go already? But these Fox News trolls are
(04:36):
right about one thing. I am miserable. In fact, I
was just scrolling through my Instagram fee the other day
realizing how miserable I am. I'm miserable on the beach,
and then here I am miserable on the top of
a mountain, and then here I am miserable scuba diving,
and then I'm miserable again. Smoking a joint in a
hot tub every day is truly a new circle of
(05:03):
hell for me. The simple truth is that I'm not
having a kid because I'm happier without them, and that's
really not of anyone's concern but my own. And no
I don't hate kids, I just don't want them. That's
what's so great about nieces and nephews. I love being
(05:25):
an aunt. I'm crushing that role. Guess who gave each
one of them their first edible? This girl? Yeah, but hey,
what do I know. I'm just an unfulfilled, lonely, miserable
waste of two ovaries. So if you want to know
the real issues with not having children, you need to
talk to your obgyn. Like I did. Take a look. Oh,
(05:50):
I bet you have been around the world a couple
of times. You're like a pussy GoPro y. Right, great
to meet you, you too, So I'm just going over
your chart here says you don't plan on having any children.
Now it actually says quote never ever, not even if
(06:12):
me and Chris Hemsworth were the last two humans on earth.
Oh yeah, I mean if he and I hooked up,
it would probably just be a bunch of butt play. Okay, Well,
not having kids is a big decision, and you should
know it's going to affect your body and your life
in a major way. What kind of ways? Doctor, While
for starters, your body will never go through the trauma
(06:35):
of childbirth, you'll have what the medical community calls beautiful
boisterous breasts and a very tight, tight, little little vagina.
That's funny because I've been hearing a lot about that
from different people that I've been having casual sex with,
giving me different kinds of compliments, and I thought it
was just dirty talk. No, no, no, that's a medical term.
(06:56):
How much sleep do you get? I mean it varies
anywhere from eight to sixteen hours a night, you know,
depending on what I get up to. If I go
to one of Leo's sex parties, I'll be up really
really late, and then I'll come home and I'll be starving,
and then I'll have an entire pizza in my bed,
and then I just finished myself off one more time
and sleep like a baby. Is that normal, perfectly normal
(07:18):
for someone with your condition. Great, it's probably you have
a great muscle tone, thank you. It's probably because I
have so much free time to work out after I'm sleeping.
Amen to that system. Are we doing anything that is
(07:38):
going to require me to be in a hospital gown today? No? Now,
I know all this information can be really overwhelming, which
is why I am going to prescribe some recreational drugs
here's a sample for you to take home. Oh my god,
I love pills. Thank you. Oh oh, and there's one
more thing we should talk about. Ultrasound. Oh I didn't
(08:01):
think I was getting an ultrasound today. Ultrasound the music
festival three days in the desert, Lizzo headlining, and I
bet you can get there because why you don't have
any kids at home to worry about. Oh my god,
thank you. This is like the best doctor's equipment I've
ever had. You are so welcome, and you know what,
(08:21):
Literally nothing is going to go wrong for you. It
was so nice to meet you. It was a pleasure
to meet you too. Thank you. You're welcome. Oh, by
the way, you do have gonorrhea. Explore more shows from
the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show
wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights
(08:43):
and eleven ten Central, own Comedy Central, and stream full
episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy
Central podcast.
You're listening to Comedy Central. One thing that I have
made abundantly clear is that I do not want children.
I say it on stage, I say it in interviews.
It's the first thing I say to myself in the
mirror when I wake up each morning, right before I
tell myself, God, you're a dynamic woman. Kids don't respect me,
(00:27):
and quite frankly, the feeling is mutual. And the fact
is there are millions of women just like me, but
for some reason, every single one of us, at some
point in our lives is shamed by society for not
wanting a baby. And that's what I want to talk about.
It to night installment of Long Story Short. In America
(00:50):
and honestly everywhere, motherhood is treated as a woman's essential
purpose in life, as if our destiny is to let
a tiny stranger rip a hole through our Pikachu from
the inside out, and then as soon as we turn eighteen,
we're just supposed to sit back and wait for Nick
Cannon to impregnate us. And look, I have infinite respect
(01:14):
for moms, but motherhood is hard. It's so hard it
even broke Marie Condo tightening upwards her life's work. Then
she has kids and was like it. Living in squalor
is fine, So it really shouldn't be surprising that some
women aren't signing up. But many people aren't just surprised,
(01:36):
they're horrified. Childless women are seen as unfulfilled, unhappy. Even
the Pope has slammed us, saying that not having children
is selfish. First of all, I am not going to
take procreation advice from a guy who's never even penetrated anyone, well,
(01:58):
not that we know of, anyway. And what's crazy is that,
for some reason, people feel entitled to tell you what
a horrible person you are right to your face. When
people ask me do you have children? And I say no,
they always look at me then and say, oh, I'm sorry,
as if like there's something like physically wrong with me.
(02:19):
And I've had people break down in tears to me
about the fact that me not having children is robbing
them of something. I've gotten everything from your selfish for
not wanting children. Your childhood must have been terrible. If
you don't want to have children, are you one of
these career thirsty women that doesn't want children? And how
could you deny your man the chance to have children?
(02:41):
I wouldn't want to be with you. Yes, because men
are so upset every time they're denied a chance to
have a child. Watch an episode of Maury Povich to
see how excited men get to find out that they
are the father. And it's bad enough when people judge
(03:01):
your life choices. But apparently childless women aren't just harming themselves,
we're actually destroying society. You look at Kamala Harris AOC.
The entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people
without children. And how does it make any sense that
we've turned our country over to people who don't really
have a direct stake at it. We're effectively run in
this country via the Democrats, via our corporate oligarchs buy
(03:24):
a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at
their own lives and the choices that they've made, and
so they want to make the rest of the country
miserable too. It maybe if you two weren't such boner killers,
women would want to have more children. I don't want
to make the country miserable. I love this country. It's
(03:46):
where all of my things are, and I've got news
for everyone. Instead of shaming childless women for what we're
doing to the country. You should be thanking us. We
are saving society. We are more likely to give our
money to charity. We have a lower carbon footprint, or
the reason there are fewer screaming children on airplanes, in
movie theaters and restros. And every baby we don't give
(04:13):
birth to is one less baby that could grow up
to be the next Elon Musk. And guess how many
children he has? Nine? You better bring them all to
Mars with you, buddy. Okay, And when are you going
to Mars? Go already? But these Fox News trolls are
(04:36):
right about one thing. I am miserable. In fact, I
was just scrolling through my Instagram fee the other day
realizing how miserable I am. I'm miserable on the beach,
and then here I am miserable on the top of
a mountain, and then here I am miserable scuba diving,
and then I'm miserable again. Smoking a joint in a
hot tub every day is truly a new circle of
(05:03):
hell for me. The simple truth is that I'm not
having a kid because I'm happier without them, and that's
really not of anyone's concern but my own. And no
I don't hate kids, I just don't want them. That's
what's so great about nieces and nephews. I love being
(05:25):
an aunt. I'm crushing that role. Guess who gave each
one of them their first edible? This girl? Yeah, but hey,
what do I know. I'm just an unfulfilled, lonely, miserable
waste of two ovaries. So if you want to know
the real issues with not having children, you need to
talk to your obgyn. Like I did. Take a look. Oh,
(05:50):
I bet you have been around the world a couple
of times. You're like a pussy GoPro y. Right, great
to meet you, you too, So I'm just going over
your chart here says you don't plan on having any children.
Now it actually says quote never ever, not even if
(06:12):
me and Chris Hemsworth were the last two humans on earth.
Oh yeah, I mean if he and I hooked up,
it would probably just be a bunch of butt play. Okay, Well,
not having kids is a big decision, and you should
know it's going to affect your body and your life
in a major way. What kind of ways? Doctor, While
for starters, your body will never go through the trauma
(06:35):
of childbirth, you'll have what the medical community calls beautiful
boisterous breasts and a very tight, tight, little little vagina.
That's funny because I've been hearing a lot about that
from different people that I've been having casual sex with,
giving me different kinds of compliments, and I thought it
was just dirty talk. No, no, no, that's a medical term.
(06:56):
How much sleep do you get? I mean it varies
anywhere from eight to sixteen hours a night, you know,
depending on what I get up to. If I go
to one of Leo's sex parties, I'll be up really
really late, and then I'll come home and I'll be starving,
and then I'll have an entire pizza in my bed,
and then I just finished myself off one more time
and sleep like a baby. Is that normal, perfectly normal
(07:18):
for someone with your condition. Great, it's probably you have
a great muscle tone, thank you. It's probably because I
have so much free time to work out after I'm sleeping.
Amen to that system. Are we doing anything that is
(07:38):
going to require me to be in a hospital gown today? No? Now,
I know all this information can be really overwhelming, which
is why I am going to prescribe some recreational drugs
here's a sample for you to take home. Oh my god,
I love pills. Thank you. Oh oh, and there's one
more thing we should talk about. Ultrasound. Oh I didn't
(08:01):
think I was getting an ultrasound today. Ultrasound the music
festival three days in the desert, Lizzo headlining, and I
bet you can get there because why you don't have
any kids at home to worry about. Oh my god,
thank you. This is like the best doctor's equipment I've
ever had. You are so welcome, and you know what,
(08:21):
Literally nothing is going to go wrong for you. It
was so nice to meet you. It was a pleasure
to meet you too. Thank you. You're welcome. Oh, by
the way, you do have gonorrhea. Explore more shows from
the Daily Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show
wherever you get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights
(08:43):
and eleven ten Central, own Comedy Central, and stream full
episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy
Central podcast.
Popular Podcasts
United States of Kennedy
United States of Kennedy is a podcast about our cultural fascination with the Kennedy dynasty. Every week, hosts Lyra Smith and George Civeris go into one aspect of the Kennedy story.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com