August 7, 2023 • 21 mins
Former 'Daily Show' corespondent Samantha Bee tackles an array of topics from; Sarah Palin supporters to advocates of Long Island’s secession. She also sheds a light on the so-called difficulties of being a man in America, investigates the theory that women disrupt combat-zone guy-namics, and shows the correct way to use your spouse for a public apology.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central now.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Despite Governor Palin's star turn last night, there are still
those who would cloud Governor Palin's candidacy with irrelevant issues
or Samantha Bee hit the convention floor to find out more.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
Last night, Sarah Palin took the stage and silenced her critics.
Speaker 4 (00:26):
This woman is qualified.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Tell me about her qualifications.
Speaker 4 (00:30):
One, she's a beautiful lady.
Speaker 5 (00:33):
Chic, hunts and fishes and is not afraid to get
her hands dirty.
Speaker 6 (00:36):
She's only that far from Russia from those eyes of Putin.
Speaker 7 (00:41):
One of the things that I really respect about Sarah
Palin is that she makes Americans feel like anyone can
be president.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
But there's one issue for which she's still being unfairly attacked.
Speaker 7 (00:54):
It's very unappropriate that the Democrats have seized on the
issue of Bristol's pregnancy.
Speaker 8 (00:58):
That is a personal that is very personal, and I
don't think that she should be attacked for that.
Speaker 9 (01:03):
I think it's a family issue.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
Politics should stay out of people's business.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
You do what's right, and you know she's going to
have the baby, she's gonna get married.
Speaker 5 (01:13):
She said, no, it's a human being she made.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
I'm sorry, what is the decision, the decision. There's another
word I'm looking for rhymes. I think it rhymes with voice.
Every family and every woman should have the right to
I'm sorry, what's the word I'm looking for? It's her family,
it's her Oh god, what is the word? What is
(01:38):
the word I'm looking for? It's like an alternative or
if you have two things, you be Sarah Palin and
I'll be her seventeen year old daughter Bristol.
Speaker 10 (01:48):
You know, you and I have always been able to
openly discuss.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
Think what do you want to talk to me about?
I'm too busier and now mom, she got out of
my room. It's like when we have a lot of
options and you have to select one. What's the word
I'm looking for? What is the word?
Speaker 11 (02:05):
Adoption is one?
Speaker 3 (02:07):
You know, there's a specific word I'm looking for.
Speaker 9 (02:09):
I'm sure the family will be able to make the
best decision for them.
Speaker 3 (02:12):
But they'll have the freedom to make that decision. Hold
on a second, I'm trying to.
Speaker 4 (02:19):
Have a boyfriend.
Speaker 3 (02:21):
Can I carry you back? My mom is in my
roun wants talk to me about something. Hold on, I
pay back?
Speaker 9 (02:29):
Well, yes, but I don't think that I don't think
that the decision. I think it should be not I
think that the family decision would become as how yes, okay, oh.
Speaker 11 (02:48):
My god, I DELI ahead, you.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Bothering man. It's you know, when you have like an alternative,
what's the word I'm looking for? Alternative?
Speaker 4 (03:04):
A different choice?
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Choice?
Speaker 3 (03:06):
Yes, exactly, every family, every person should have the choice
to decide what's best for them.
Speaker 10 (03:13):
You know, the left clamors for choice. We want to
make choice, we want choice. And Sarah Palin's daughter has
made a choice.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Freedom of choice that's different than being pro choice. She's
able to make the choice that she doesn't really want
other people to have. Right. Does that make sense? These days,
when you hear about secession, you think of Texas, But
Texas isn't alone. Secession is the big word for lawmakers
(03:45):
in Long Island.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
Should Long Island become its own state?
Speaker 3 (03:48):
According to Long Island legislator Edward Romaine, the time for
independence is now.
Speaker 12 (03:53):
Yes, the fifty first state Long Island. Long Island is
paying more than three billion dollars more than we're getting
back in assistance from the state.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
Located just ten miles from Manhattan or three and a
half hours by car, Long Island's three million people have
never felt connected to the rest of the state.
Speaker 12 (04:12):
Well, we're kind of an appendage to New York. We
jut out east of New York into the Atlantic Ocean.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
How much longer can New York State continue to jerk
this appended job before it just explodes.
Speaker 11 (04:26):
Not much longer.
Speaker 4 (04:28):
We're going to succeed.
Speaker 12 (04:29):
If we can't, we're going to stand up and say
enough is enough.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Unfortunately, some people, like Long Island State Senator Carl Marcellino,
insist on standing in the way of statehood.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
No Long Island should not seceed from the State of
New York.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
You're a state Senator from Long Island. I mean, if
this secession happens, you could be a real senator, Senator Marcellino,
from the great state of Long Island.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
It's just not practical to do it.
Speaker 3 (04:57):
But can they afford not to do it?
Speaker 12 (04:59):
The High Texas forcing some people to vote with their feet.
That is the best in the brides leaving Long Island.
Speaker 3 (05:04):
It's all relative though, I mean, you are talking about
the best and brightest of Long Island.
Speaker 12 (05:10):
The most important resource that we have called our people.
They're inventive, they're intelligent, yigabyte.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
And these intelligent and inventive people think it's time. I
most definitely like sea Long Island suc seated as its
own state.
Speaker 11 (05:27):
It's a totally different group of people. Long Island. It's
a melting pot.
Speaker 7 (05:30):
You got all these awesome Italian guys, beautiful Italian women,
nice Italian food.
Speaker 3 (05:36):
You're not making it seem like a melting pot unless
you're talking about a melting pot filled with bubbling mere
and narrow sauce. What do you have to say to
New Yorkers who say, good riddance you You guys still
got the village to luck with that one. Clearly, the
first article of their state constitution is in place, but
have they really thought things through.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
It's complicated. We would need through pay for the roads
that are state roads.
Speaker 12 (06:01):
The first thing we do is pick a state capital.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
We would need to pay for the state parks that
are state parks.
Speaker 12 (06:06):
Picking a state food it might be it might be
the flounder.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
Teacher certifications would all have to be done differently.
Speaker 12 (06:14):
Picking a state bird it might be the sgull.
Speaker 9 (06:16):
The state birds should just be flipping the birds.
Speaker 3 (06:20):
Welcome to Long Island. Car Of course, secession could mean
war and that's something no one would want to see.
Speaker 7 (06:29):
Deerish Gina with dangerously low enax body spray, and those
suckers from NASA Pequa took go on my three weights.
By the way, that picture you took of me and
my rim it's sick. Give my love to your family
except your sister.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
She's a four.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
On Island's packing some series of balls. Go we can
get up any other state you got? What state could
you beat up? And please don't say Rhode Island or
Connecticut because everybody knows those states are pussy states.
Speaker 12 (06:57):
You name what you got, Wyoming, Iowa, What do you think?
Speaker 3 (07:03):
I don't think that counts. Oh States, I'm sorry, other states,
other states not in Europe, other states, Canada, Canada, Okay,
we have Okay, Okay, I'm sorry.
Speaker 12 (07:18):
Jersey.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
Oh yeah, New Jersey's the first to go. Isn't that
like beating up your conjoined twin though you're so genetically
similarmed The people of Long Island have been oppressed for
too long, and after spending time in their world and
learning their customs, I started to share in the revolutionary spirit.
Speaker 12 (07:39):
First of all, I think they should call it Strong
Island if they make it its own state.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
I mean, look at these guys.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Is the gun show?
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Baby, you got your tickets?
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Double guns?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
Because he feels so vulnerable.
Speaker 13 (07:53):
Not really sure.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
I'm capable of making good decisions right now. Probably all
that first control I'm taking, it's making my mind. I'm couzzy.
I was drawn in by their noble cause and meticulous manscaping.
The second thought, you know what, No.
Speaker 14 (08:16):
As a country, we've made enormous strives and making sure
that all Americans are treated equally under the law, but
there are still groups that are suffering.
Speaker 4 (08:24):
Samantha Bee has.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
More men from time immemorial. They stood atop the world,
building our civilizations, commanding our armies. They were gods walking
among us, But now their time may be over. For
the first time, women are expected to outnumber men in
the workforce.
Speaker 7 (08:44):
A new study finds increasing numbers of women outpacing their
husbands when it comes to income and education.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
And it's a crisis that troubles many. Like sociologist and
author of the Myth of Male Power, doctor Warren Ferrell.
Speaker 11 (08:57):
It's a difficult time to be a man in America.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
In what sense exactly?
Speaker 15 (09:01):
Men today are probably where women were in the late fifties.
We're about a half century behind women in terms of
being understood, in terms of having options.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
How did this happen, babycakes?
Speaker 11 (09:14):
We did a great job for women. We now just
need to do the same for men.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
He's right. Men run just four one hundred and eighty
five of our fortune five hundred companies and only three
branches of government, and there are more doors closing on
them all the time.
Speaker 15 (09:30):
Almost all your pharmaceutical salespeople are young women and attractive women,
because the pharmaceutical company knows that an attractive young female
will be have much greater access to a medical doctor who's,
on average still more likely to be a male.
Speaker 3 (09:47):
Oh that sucks for men, except for the male doctor
who gets to earn all that money and bang that
hot new sales rep.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Oo guy.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
It doesn't stop then. Even the nightly news, long a
bastion of the stately white male, is now sixty six
point seven percent female, and the last male anchor is
kind of a feminate. Fortunately, help is on the way
thanks to male support groups like the Better Man Organization
founder Wayne Levine.
Speaker 6 (10:19):
For us, it's about being available to each other and
giving the wisdom and the guidance and the support and
the ass kicking, whatever it is, we need to be
the best men we can be. You know, so many
of the problems that we face in our cultures because
men are not getting what they need.
Speaker 3 (10:34):
What are men not getting well?
Speaker 6 (10:39):
In our culture? There's no place for men to gather.
It's socially unacceptable for men to get together.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
Yes, it's a constant struggle to find places where men
are allowed to be themselves. Having never heard of Las Vegas,
these disenfranchised men seek solace in the woods, where they
play games no one liked in pe class, my wife
is in judge, and complain about their wives. Mostly what
they do is gather in circles, the sitting circle, the
(11:06):
cleansing circle, and of course the most important circle of all.
Speaker 6 (11:11):
So what we got here is a wisdom circle with
just a few men, and this is where a man
will bring an issue that needs to be addressed.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
When does everybody start master reading? They were coming here
with one purpose to reclaim their manhood. Hey, our dinners
right over here, what are you waiting for? Do I
have to do this by myself? Sadly, the inequalities holding
(11:49):
men back begin as early as high school.
Speaker 11 (11:51):
Almost every high school has a football team.
Speaker 15 (11:53):
Almost every football team has cheerleaders, and it's very rare
that the cheerleader says something like, g you know, I
noticed you lost your position on the team, so I'd
like to continue cheering for you because you were very
sensitive and very loving and very caring and very listening.
Speaker 11 (12:10):
You don't ever see that happening.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
So we need to give our sons permission to be
puss wants.
Speaker 11 (12:15):
That's yes, some type of term.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
Like that, something puss related. And of course, the key
to uplifting any oppressed group is to give them a voice.
Speaker 6 (12:26):
This is the time of day where we bring out
the talking stick. It's a time where you can speak
from the heart and listen from the heart and share
whatever's on your mind.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
Finally, it was my opportunity to offer advice to my
fallen brothers. Actually, you know, I actually brought my own.
Speaker 5 (12:48):
Tool.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
Attention, middle aged vagina man, sack the f up. Seriously,
you're turning me into a lesbian. Last week, Defense Secretary
Leon Panetta made military history when he lifted the ban
on women serving in combat. Immediately, objections were raised.
Speaker 13 (13:13):
There is a difference in the physicality of women and men.
Speaker 3 (13:17):
It's a terrible idea.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
You're going to have the sex assault problems.
Speaker 4 (13:21):
People are going to die.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Author and military expert Kingsley.
Speaker 16 (13:25):
Brown, women in combat positions are a threat to military cohesion.
It's not clear that men can actually bond with women
the way they bond with other men.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
So women can disrupt romance in combat.
Speaker 4 (13:40):
Zones almost by definition.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
Who are these fatigue hags jeopardizing all that military brohesion?
Meet Marine Corps Captain Zoe Biddell, a plaintiff in a
lawsuit to lift the ban on women in combat.
Speaker 13 (13:55):
I think it's about time that women are allowed to
serve in all roles.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Why do you want to be the one to bring
up the band of brothers? Don't be the.
Speaker 13 (14:02):
Yoko unit confusion is based around common mission and being
held to standards, and that is absolutely achievable with women
in the unit.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
We spoke to an expert in workplace discrimination. Do you
want to know what he said? Sure, pick a number
four one to four two one two, okay, pick But
it turns out Kingsley had a lot more to say.
Speaker 16 (14:24):
You have one or two women added to the group,
and now everybody's buying for their attention.
Speaker 4 (14:29):
So women are distracting.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
They are distracting one if the women is not heterosexual.
Speaker 4 (14:35):
I don't think that it matters.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
They're still going to try to hit that.
Speaker 4 (14:39):
They're still going to try to hit that.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
I'd love to take out that insurgent. But check out
the getaway sticks on Major turnball over here.
Speaker 16 (14:47):
Boy, that's really not a funny thing because sexual harassment
charge is taken very seriously.
Speaker 4 (14:54):
It's ruins careers.
Speaker 3 (14:57):
Really, right, sex ju all harassment ruins men's careers. There
you are at the front lines, looking so cute in
you're a Camo and someone comes up and sexually assaults you.
Aren't you going to feel guilty for wrecking that guy's career?
Speaker 13 (15:13):
Not even a little bit.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
Woof getting a lot of blowback here? Do you want
to reschedule this interview for when you're not having your period?
Sounds like Zoe just doesn't get how women screw up
the dynamics of actual combat.
Speaker 13 (15:32):
There have been over two hundred and eighty thousand women
who have already served in Iraq and Afghanistan over the
last decade. Over one hundred and thirty women have already
died in these wars. In modern warfare, the lines are
blurred if they exist at all between what the front
lines are and what is a safe zone.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
Do they even call it the front lines anymore?
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (15:49):
They do not.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
Oh what do they call it? Afghanistan?
Speaker 13 (15:53):
Women are being shot at, but the military didn't allow
them to serve in those positions officially, and that hurts
their chances for promotion. For example, Mary jennings Hagar, as
a helicopter.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
Pilot Zoe dished the dates on her military gal pals.
Speaker 13 (16:08):
Staff Sergeant Jennifer Hunt was on a convoy.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Apparently there are already tons of female soldiers totally kicking
ass in combat zones.
Speaker 13 (16:19):
Leanne Hester received a silver star for her actions under fire.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
Go girl, go girl, I don't even have girl talk
in Afghanistan. Your ice river of melt. Let's do a
little role player. I'll be a woman who served her
country briefly and Ubu. My name is Major Mary jennings
Hagar makes changed ground fire after my helic coupter would
shut down.
Speaker 16 (16:44):
You weren't in the infantry. You weren't taking the fight
with one hundred pound pack.
Speaker 3 (16:49):
I got a purple Huart might sincerely.
Speaker 16 (16:52):
Say thank you for your service, but that doesn't mean
that you should serve in combat.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
That's a great point, except that women are already their
mother See. In my world, women have already been serving
in combat for two wars. But Kingsley is living in
a simpler time.
Speaker 4 (17:12):
Men join the infantry because they want to fight.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
Sorry, excuse me for one second. Okay, Okay, that's us.
Speaker 4 (17:20):
Sorry.
Speaker 16 (17:20):
Girls become women by getting older. Boys become men by
accomplishing something, by proving something.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Okay, have you ever actually met a woman before, a
woman who did not want to strangle you? I would
like to say to all the people out there who
really are stuck in another era and really just think
(17:47):
that women don't belong in combat zones at all.
Speaker 13 (17:49):
Well, the good news is I don't actually have to
say anything, because the evidence is on my side. Women
have been doing this for ten years, and eventually those
guys are going to die off, and we'll just keep
doing our thing.
Speaker 3 (18:00):
Well said, I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Speaker 14 (18:23):
For more on how solo contrition becomes an apology for two,
I'm joined by Samantha Bee.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
Samantha, thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 6 (18:31):
Samantha.
Speaker 14 (18:35):
We have seen this time and time against a bad
actor with his supportive spouse by his side.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
You know, if there's one business event your spouse should
probably be excused from, it's the one where you explain
how you've betrayed them. I mean, what does someone even
wear for that? Does this skirt make my ass look humiliated?
Speaker 2 (19:01):
It is mind blowing that they always have their wife
either side.
Speaker 14 (19:04):
It seems like cruelty piled upon cruelty.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
Yes, exactly. If anything, Let the hooker stand up there, she's.
Speaker 8 (19:12):
The one everyone wants to say, ladies, Am I right?
Speaker 3 (19:16):
Please?
Speaker 14 (19:17):
Well now, Sam, that's a good point. There are rumors though,
that the governor is negotiating his resignation. What are your
sources telling you about that?
Speaker 4 (19:24):
Oh?
Speaker 12 (19:26):
I don't.
Speaker 3 (19:27):
I don't really know.
Speaker 5 (19:28):
I haven't.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
I haven't really paying any attention.
Speaker 14 (19:31):
So I asked you to cover this last night to get.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
There, Yeah, I know, I was. I was out, So
I didn't you were out that?
Speaker 5 (19:43):
What do you mean you were out at a.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
Club like a private club.
Speaker 5 (19:51):
I'm sorry, Just hold on a second, baby, Yeah, John,
I need to make a brief statement.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
Last night, I engaged in activities that failed to live
up to the high standards I set for myself.
Speaker 4 (20:21):
As a wife.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
I was with a man, men, a group of men,
maybe a lady or two, I don't really remember, definitely
though several men. It was a betrayal of my marriage,
even if it left me satisfied in a way. My husband,
who do you seen next to me?
Speaker 14 (20:43):
Never has sam This is not an appropriate.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
No, no, no, please.
Speaker 8 (20:47):
I owe it to Jason, whom I love more than
life itself, mostly as a friend, to confess, to confess
my infidelity.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
Of his heart to the entire world. I also apologize
to our daughter. I think our definitely mine.
Speaker 14 (21:18):
Samar are you saying you've also been involved in please.
Speaker 3 (21:20):
Jant no more questions. Okay, this is not the time. Okay,
hug me, hug me, Jason. Okay, now, don't try to
kiss me.
Speaker 14 (21:29):
Just don't try to kiss me.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
Let's now, we're gonna walk out together. Okay, hold my
hand and need you more than ever asked.
Speaker 9 (21:37):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
Get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show week nights at
eleven ten.
Speaker 6 (21:46):
Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on
Fairmouth Plus.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
This has been a Comedy Central podcastw
You're listening to Comedy Central now.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Despite Governor Palin's star turn last night, there are still
those who would cloud Governor Palin's candidacy with irrelevant issues
or Samantha Bee hit the convention floor to find out more.
Speaker 3 (00:21):
Last night, Sarah Palin took the stage and silenced her critics.
Speaker 4 (00:26):
This woman is qualified.
Speaker 3 (00:29):
Tell me about her qualifications.
Speaker 4 (00:30):
One, she's a beautiful lady.
Speaker 5 (00:33):
Chic, hunts and fishes and is not afraid to get
her hands dirty.
Speaker 6 (00:36):
She's only that far from Russia from those eyes of Putin.
Speaker 7 (00:41):
One of the things that I really respect about Sarah
Palin is that she makes Americans feel like anyone can
be president.
Speaker 3 (00:49):
But there's one issue for which she's still being unfairly attacked.
Speaker 7 (00:54):
It's very unappropriate that the Democrats have seized on the
issue of Bristol's pregnancy.
Speaker 8 (00:58):
That is a personal that is very personal, and I
don't think that she should be attacked for that.
Speaker 9 (01:03):
I think it's a family issue.
Speaker 3 (01:05):
Politics should stay out of people's business.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
You do what's right, and you know she's going to
have the baby, she's gonna get married.
Speaker 5 (01:13):
She said, no, it's a human being she made.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
I'm sorry, what is the decision, the decision. There's another
word I'm looking for rhymes. I think it rhymes with voice.
Every family and every woman should have the right to
I'm sorry, what's the word I'm looking for? It's her family,
it's her Oh god, what is the word? What is
(01:38):
the word I'm looking for? It's like an alternative or
if you have two things, you be Sarah Palin and
I'll be her seventeen year old daughter Bristol.
Speaker 10 (01:48):
You know, you and I have always been able to
openly discuss.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
Think what do you want to talk to me about?
I'm too busier and now mom, she got out of
my room. It's like when we have a lot of
options and you have to select one. What's the word
I'm looking for? What is the word?
Speaker 11 (02:05):
Adoption is one?
Speaker 3 (02:07):
You know, there's a specific word I'm looking for.
Speaker 9 (02:09):
I'm sure the family will be able to make the
best decision for them.
Speaker 3 (02:12):
But they'll have the freedom to make that decision. Hold
on a second, I'm trying to.
Speaker 4 (02:19):
Have a boyfriend.
Speaker 3 (02:21):
Can I carry you back? My mom is in my
roun wants talk to me about something. Hold on, I
pay back?
Speaker 9 (02:29):
Well, yes, but I don't think that I don't think
that the decision. I think it should be not I
think that the family decision would become as how yes, okay, oh.
Speaker 11 (02:48):
My god, I DELI ahead, you.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
Bothering man. It's you know, when you have like an alternative,
what's the word I'm looking for? Alternative?
Speaker 4 (03:04):
A different choice?
Speaker 1 (03:05):
Choice?
Speaker 3 (03:06):
Yes, exactly, every family, every person should have the choice
to decide what's best for them.
Speaker 10 (03:13):
You know, the left clamors for choice. We want to
make choice, we want choice. And Sarah Palin's daughter has
made a choice.
Speaker 3 (03:24):
Freedom of choice that's different than being pro choice. She's
able to make the choice that she doesn't really want
other people to have. Right. Does that make sense? These days,
when you hear about secession, you think of Texas, But
Texas isn't alone. Secession is the big word for lawmakers
(03:45):
in Long Island.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
Should Long Island become its own state?
Speaker 3 (03:48):
According to Long Island legislator Edward Romaine, the time for
independence is now.
Speaker 12 (03:53):
Yes, the fifty first state Long Island. Long Island is
paying more than three billion dollars more than we're getting
back in assistance from the state.
Speaker 3 (04:03):
Located just ten miles from Manhattan or three and a
half hours by car, Long Island's three million people have
never felt connected to the rest of the state.
Speaker 12 (04:12):
Well, we're kind of an appendage to New York. We
jut out east of New York into the Atlantic Ocean.
Speaker 3 (04:20):
How much longer can New York State continue to jerk
this appended job before it just explodes.
Speaker 11 (04:26):
Not much longer.
Speaker 4 (04:28):
We're going to succeed.
Speaker 12 (04:29):
If we can't, we're going to stand up and say
enough is enough.
Speaker 3 (04:34):
Unfortunately, some people, like Long Island State Senator Carl Marcellino,
insist on standing in the way of statehood.
Speaker 1 (04:41):
No Long Island should not seceed from the State of
New York.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
You're a state Senator from Long Island. I mean, if
this secession happens, you could be a real senator, Senator Marcellino,
from the great state of Long Island.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
It's just not practical to do it.
Speaker 3 (04:57):
But can they afford not to do it?
Speaker 12 (04:59):
The High Texas forcing some people to vote with their feet.
That is the best in the brides leaving Long Island.
Speaker 3 (05:04):
It's all relative though, I mean, you are talking about
the best and brightest of Long Island.
Speaker 12 (05:10):
The most important resource that we have called our people.
They're inventive, they're intelligent, yigabyte.
Speaker 3 (05:20):
And these intelligent and inventive people think it's time. I
most definitely like sea Long Island suc seated as its
own state.
Speaker 11 (05:27):
It's a totally different group of people. Long Island. It's
a melting pot.
Speaker 7 (05:30):
You got all these awesome Italian guys, beautiful Italian women,
nice Italian food.
Speaker 3 (05:36):
You're not making it seem like a melting pot unless
you're talking about a melting pot filled with bubbling mere
and narrow sauce. What do you have to say to
New Yorkers who say, good riddance you You guys still
got the village to luck with that one. Clearly, the
first article of their state constitution is in place, but
have they really thought things through.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
It's complicated. We would need through pay for the roads
that are state roads.
Speaker 12 (06:01):
The first thing we do is pick a state capital.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
We would need to pay for the state parks that
are state parks.
Speaker 12 (06:06):
Picking a state food it might be it might be
the flounder.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
Teacher certifications would all have to be done differently.
Speaker 12 (06:14):
Picking a state bird it might be the sgull.
Speaker 9 (06:16):
The state birds should just be flipping the birds.
Speaker 3 (06:20):
Welcome to Long Island. Car Of course, secession could mean
war and that's something no one would want to see.
Speaker 7 (06:29):
Deerish Gina with dangerously low enax body spray, and those
suckers from NASA Pequa took go on my three weights.
By the way, that picture you took of me and
my rim it's sick. Give my love to your family
except your sister.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
She's a four.
Speaker 3 (06:46):
On Island's packing some series of balls. Go we can
get up any other state you got? What state could
you beat up? And please don't say Rhode Island or
Connecticut because everybody knows those states are pussy states.
Speaker 12 (06:57):
You name what you got, Wyoming, Iowa, What do you think?
Speaker 3 (07:03):
I don't think that counts. Oh States, I'm sorry, other states,
other states not in Europe, other states, Canada, Canada, Okay,
we have Okay, Okay, I'm sorry.
Speaker 12 (07:18):
Jersey.
Speaker 3 (07:19):
Oh yeah, New Jersey's the first to go. Isn't that
like beating up your conjoined twin though you're so genetically
similarmed The people of Long Island have been oppressed for
too long, and after spending time in their world and
learning their customs, I started to share in the revolutionary spirit.
Speaker 12 (07:39):
First of all, I think they should call it Strong
Island if they make it its own state.
Speaker 3 (07:43):
I mean, look at these guys.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Is the gun show?
Speaker 3 (07:45):
Baby, you got your tickets?
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Double guns?
Speaker 3 (07:49):
Because he feels so vulnerable.
Speaker 13 (07:53):
Not really sure.
Speaker 3 (07:53):
I'm capable of making good decisions right now. Probably all
that first control I'm taking, it's making my mind. I'm couzzy.
I was drawn in by their noble cause and meticulous manscaping.
The second thought, you know what, No.
Speaker 14 (08:16):
As a country, we've made enormous strives and making sure
that all Americans are treated equally under the law, but
there are still groups that are suffering.
Speaker 4 (08:24):
Samantha Bee has.
Speaker 3 (08:25):
More men from time immemorial. They stood atop the world,
building our civilizations, commanding our armies. They were gods walking
among us, But now their time may be over. For
the first time, women are expected to outnumber men in
the workforce.
Speaker 7 (08:44):
A new study finds increasing numbers of women outpacing their
husbands when it comes to income and education.
Speaker 3 (08:51):
And it's a crisis that troubles many. Like sociologist and
author of the Myth of Male Power, doctor Warren Ferrell.
Speaker 11 (08:57):
It's a difficult time to be a man in America.
Speaker 3 (09:00):
In what sense exactly?
Speaker 15 (09:01):
Men today are probably where women were in the late fifties.
We're about a half century behind women in terms of
being understood, in terms of having options.
Speaker 3 (09:12):
How did this happen, babycakes?
Speaker 11 (09:14):
We did a great job for women. We now just
need to do the same for men.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
He's right. Men run just four one hundred and eighty
five of our fortune five hundred companies and only three
branches of government, and there are more doors closing on
them all the time.
Speaker 15 (09:30):
Almost all your pharmaceutical salespeople are young women and attractive women,
because the pharmaceutical company knows that an attractive young female
will be have much greater access to a medical doctor who's,
on average still more likely to be a male.
Speaker 3 (09:47):
Oh that sucks for men, except for the male doctor
who gets to earn all that money and bang that
hot new sales rep.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
Oo guy.
Speaker 3 (09:58):
It doesn't stop then. Even the nightly news, long a
bastion of the stately white male, is now sixty six
point seven percent female, and the last male anchor is
kind of a feminate. Fortunately, help is on the way
thanks to male support groups like the Better Man Organization
founder Wayne Levine.
Speaker 6 (10:19):
For us, it's about being available to each other and
giving the wisdom and the guidance and the support and
the ass kicking, whatever it is, we need to be
the best men we can be. You know, so many
of the problems that we face in our cultures because
men are not getting what they need.
Speaker 3 (10:34):
What are men not getting well?
Speaker 6 (10:39):
In our culture? There's no place for men to gather.
It's socially unacceptable for men to get together.
Speaker 3 (10:45):
Yes, it's a constant struggle to find places where men
are allowed to be themselves. Having never heard of Las Vegas,
these disenfranchised men seek solace in the woods, where they
play games no one liked in pe class, my wife
is in judge, and complain about their wives. Mostly what
they do is gather in circles, the sitting circle, the
(11:06):
cleansing circle, and of course the most important circle of all.
Speaker 6 (11:11):
So what we got here is a wisdom circle with
just a few men, and this is where a man
will bring an issue that needs to be addressed.
Speaker 3 (11:28):
When does everybody start master reading? They were coming here
with one purpose to reclaim their manhood. Hey, our dinners
right over here, what are you waiting for? Do I
have to do this by myself? Sadly, the inequalities holding
(11:49):
men back begin as early as high school.
Speaker 11 (11:51):
Almost every high school has a football team.
Speaker 15 (11:53):
Almost every football team has cheerleaders, and it's very rare
that the cheerleader says something like, g you know, I
noticed you lost your position on the team, so I'd
like to continue cheering for you because you were very
sensitive and very loving and very caring and very listening.
Speaker 11 (12:10):
You don't ever see that happening.
Speaker 3 (12:11):
So we need to give our sons permission to be
puss wants.
Speaker 11 (12:15):
That's yes, some type of term.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
Like that, something puss related. And of course, the key
to uplifting any oppressed group is to give them a voice.
Speaker 6 (12:26):
This is the time of day where we bring out
the talking stick. It's a time where you can speak
from the heart and listen from the heart and share
whatever's on your mind.
Speaker 3 (12:37):
Finally, it was my opportunity to offer advice to my
fallen brothers. Actually, you know, I actually brought my own.
Speaker 5 (12:48):
Tool.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
Attention, middle aged vagina man, sack the f up. Seriously,
you're turning me into a lesbian. Last week, Defense Secretary
Leon Panetta made military history when he lifted the ban
on women serving in combat. Immediately, objections were raised.
Speaker 13 (13:13):
There is a difference in the physicality of women and men.
Speaker 3 (13:17):
It's a terrible idea.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
You're going to have the sex assault problems.
Speaker 4 (13:21):
People are going to die.
Speaker 3 (13:22):
Author and military expert Kingsley.
Speaker 16 (13:25):
Brown, women in combat positions are a threat to military cohesion.
It's not clear that men can actually bond with women
the way they bond with other men.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
So women can disrupt romance in combat.
Speaker 4 (13:40):
Zones almost by definition.
Speaker 3 (13:43):
Who are these fatigue hags jeopardizing all that military brohesion?
Meet Marine Corps Captain Zoe Biddell, a plaintiff in a
lawsuit to lift the ban on women in combat.
Speaker 13 (13:55):
I think it's about time that women are allowed to
serve in all roles.
Speaker 3 (13:58):
Why do you want to be the one to bring
up the band of brothers? Don't be the.
Speaker 13 (14:02):
Yoko unit confusion is based around common mission and being
held to standards, and that is absolutely achievable with women
in the unit.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
We spoke to an expert in workplace discrimination. Do you
want to know what he said? Sure, pick a number
four one to four two one two, okay, pick But
it turns out Kingsley had a lot more to say.
Speaker 16 (14:24):
You have one or two women added to the group,
and now everybody's buying for their attention.
Speaker 4 (14:29):
So women are distracting.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
They are distracting one if the women is not heterosexual.
Speaker 4 (14:35):
I don't think that it matters.
Speaker 3 (14:37):
They're still going to try to hit that.
Speaker 4 (14:39):
They're still going to try to hit that.
Speaker 3 (14:41):
I'd love to take out that insurgent. But check out
the getaway sticks on Major turnball over here.
Speaker 16 (14:47):
Boy, that's really not a funny thing because sexual harassment
charge is taken very seriously.
Speaker 4 (14:54):
It's ruins careers.
Speaker 3 (14:57):
Really, right, sex ju all harassment ruins men's careers. There
you are at the front lines, looking so cute in
you're a Camo and someone comes up and sexually assaults you.
Aren't you going to feel guilty for wrecking that guy's career?
Speaker 13 (15:13):
Not even a little bit.
Speaker 3 (15:15):
Woof getting a lot of blowback here? Do you want
to reschedule this interview for when you're not having your period?
Sounds like Zoe just doesn't get how women screw up
the dynamics of actual combat.
Speaker 13 (15:32):
There have been over two hundred and eighty thousand women
who have already served in Iraq and Afghanistan over the
last decade. Over one hundred and thirty women have already
died in these wars. In modern warfare, the lines are
blurred if they exist at all between what the front
lines are and what is a safe zone.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
Do they even call it the front lines anymore?
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (15:49):
They do not.
Speaker 3 (15:50):
Oh what do they call it? Afghanistan?
Speaker 13 (15:53):
Women are being shot at, but the military didn't allow
them to serve in those positions officially, and that hurts
their chances for promotion. For example, Mary jennings Hagar, as
a helicopter.
Speaker 3 (16:04):
Pilot Zoe dished the dates on her military gal pals.
Speaker 13 (16:08):
Staff Sergeant Jennifer Hunt was on a convoy.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
Apparently there are already tons of female soldiers totally kicking
ass in combat zones.
Speaker 13 (16:19):
Leanne Hester received a silver star for her actions under fire.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
Go girl, go girl, I don't even have girl talk
in Afghanistan. Your ice river of melt. Let's do a
little role player. I'll be a woman who served her
country briefly and Ubu. My name is Major Mary jennings
Hagar makes changed ground fire after my helic coupter would
shut down.
Speaker 16 (16:44):
You weren't in the infantry. You weren't taking the fight
with one hundred pound pack.
Speaker 3 (16:49):
I got a purple Huart might sincerely.
Speaker 16 (16:52):
Say thank you for your service, but that doesn't mean
that you should serve in combat.
Speaker 3 (16:59):
That's a great point, except that women are already their
mother See. In my world, women have already been serving
in combat for two wars. But Kingsley is living in
a simpler time.
Speaker 4 (17:12):
Men join the infantry because they want to fight.
Speaker 3 (17:14):
Sorry, excuse me for one second. Okay, Okay, that's us.
Speaker 4 (17:20):
Sorry.
Speaker 16 (17:20):
Girls become women by getting older. Boys become men by
accomplishing something, by proving something.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Okay, have you ever actually met a woman before, a
woman who did not want to strangle you? I would
like to say to all the people out there who
really are stuck in another era and really just think
(17:47):
that women don't belong in combat zones at all.
Speaker 13 (17:49):
Well, the good news is I don't actually have to
say anything, because the evidence is on my side. Women
have been doing this for ten years, and eventually those
guys are going to die off, and we'll just keep
doing our thing.
Speaker 3 (18:00):
Well said, I guess there's only one thing left to do.
Speaker 14 (18:23):
For more on how solo contrition becomes an apology for two,
I'm joined by Samantha Bee.
Speaker 1 (18:28):
Samantha, thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 6 (18:31):
Samantha.
Speaker 14 (18:35):
We have seen this time and time against a bad
actor with his supportive spouse by his side.
Speaker 3 (18:45):
You know, if there's one business event your spouse should
probably be excused from, it's the one where you explain
how you've betrayed them. I mean, what does someone even
wear for that? Does this skirt make my ass look humiliated?
Speaker 2 (19:01):
It is mind blowing that they always have their wife
either side.
Speaker 14 (19:04):
It seems like cruelty piled upon cruelty.
Speaker 3 (19:07):
Yes, exactly. If anything, Let the hooker stand up there, she's.
Speaker 8 (19:12):
The one everyone wants to say, ladies, Am I right?
Speaker 3 (19:16):
Please?
Speaker 14 (19:17):
Well now, Sam, that's a good point. There are rumors though,
that the governor is negotiating his resignation. What are your
sources telling you about that?
Speaker 4 (19:24):
Oh?
Speaker 12 (19:26):
I don't.
Speaker 3 (19:27):
I don't really know.
Speaker 5 (19:28):
I haven't.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
I haven't really paying any attention.
Speaker 14 (19:31):
So I asked you to cover this last night to get.
Speaker 3 (19:36):
There, Yeah, I know, I was. I was out, So
I didn't you were out that?
Speaker 5 (19:43):
What do you mean you were out at a.
Speaker 3 (19:46):
Club like a private club.
Speaker 5 (19:51):
I'm sorry, Just hold on a second, baby, Yeah, John,
I need to make a brief statement.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
Last night, I engaged in activities that failed to live
up to the high standards I set for myself.
Speaker 4 (20:21):
As a wife.
Speaker 3 (20:23):
I was with a man, men, a group of men,
maybe a lady or two, I don't really remember, definitely
though several men. It was a betrayal of my marriage,
even if it left me satisfied in a way. My husband,
who do you seen next to me?
Speaker 14 (20:43):
Never has sam This is not an appropriate.
Speaker 3 (20:46):
No, no, no, please.
Speaker 8 (20:47):
I owe it to Jason, whom I love more than
life itself, mostly as a friend, to confess, to confess
my infidelity.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
Of his heart to the entire world. I also apologize
to our daughter. I think our definitely mine.
Speaker 14 (21:18):
Samar are you saying you've also been involved in please.
Speaker 3 (21:20):
Jant no more questions. Okay, this is not the time. Okay,
hug me, hug me, Jason. Okay, now, don't try to
kiss me.
Speaker 14 (21:29):
Just don't try to kiss me.
Speaker 3 (21:30):
Let's now, we're gonna walk out together. Okay, hold my
hand and need you more than ever asked.
Speaker 9 (21:37):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you.
Speaker 3 (21:42):
Get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show week nights at
eleven ten.
Speaker 6 (21:46):
Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on
Fairmouth Plus.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
This has been a Comedy Central podcastw
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