June 8, 2024 • 27 mins
Jon implores the media to report on actual evidence from Trump’s trial rather than perpetuating hypotheticals about what the verdict means for America. Plus Ronny Chieng discusses Trump seeking revenge on Hillary Clinton for his guilty verdict, Marjorie Taylor Green cancelling New York, and what happened when an Amazonian tribe started using the Internet.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Miname me down, Stuart. What a factulous program have for
the night. Now it's been rough for me. Now that
my Knicks and my Rangers are out of the playoffs,
I'm ready to focus on the world. There's a lot
going on today. Doctor Anthony Fauci testified in front of
Congress today and ironically contracted rabies there terrible, but his
(00:44):
testimony was obviously about whether or not the pandemic was
caused by a lab leak. I just will never know.
Don't say it's to it. Also, bb neting Yahoo has
(01:05):
been invited next week to come to lie to Congress.
I'm sorry, address a dress time? What did I say,
come to address Congress through the art of lying. And
Mexico has just elected its first female and its first
(01:26):
Jewish president, so I'm very much looking forward to NPR's
coverage of it because they are always they are always
very careful to pronounce names authentically, so I'm sure it'll
be like turning me out to the newly elected Mexican president, Claudia.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
In Shane.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
With the shop with the shul. But of course, the
biggest story continues to be the reaction to former President
Trump's trial convictions. For the left, the conviction was an
exercise in concealed and controlled glee. Many took the opportunity
to over demonstrate how they took no pleasure from this
(02:10):
day that they had been dreaming about since childhood.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
It was a somber and sad day for America that
we have now seen a former president convicted on three
four fellow accounts.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
I would hope we could all agree that this is
a sad moment. The justice system had an honorable day,
our country had a sad day, and Faris Beulah had
the day off. Perhaps nothing personified the delicate high wire
between glee and gravitas more than President Biden's chesher cat
(02:46):
press conference encore.
Speaker 5 (02:48):
Mister president, can you tell us, sir, Donald Trump prefers
himself as a political prisoner and blames you directly. What's
your response?
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Now, don't stop, don't go, don't stop. Why can't they
tell him just fucking keep walking whenever he is out
in public and he stops? No buaino, okay go sir?
Speaker 5 (03:27):
Do you think the condition will have an impact on
the campaign. We'd love to hear your thoughts, sir.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Why does everything have to be so weird. Why if
you have something to say about it, say it. If
you don't have something to say about it, don't say
but you're just going to stop and hit him with
some kind of seventies sitcom freeze frame. Mister president, what
(04:09):
do you think of the conviction? Why?
Speaker 4 (04:22):
So?
Speaker 2 (04:23):
For Democrats, of course, the challenge is how do we
exploit the moment politically? Put out giving the impression that
this was the plan, all of law Republicans needed to
employ a slightly different strategy.
Speaker 6 (04:38):
So this was a sham rigged political show trial from
the very beginning.
Speaker 7 (04:42):
This is the most outrageous travesty I've ever seen.
Speaker 6 (04:45):
This was not law, this was not criminal justice. This
was politics.
Speaker 7 (04:49):
This was a political smear job.
Speaker 6 (04:50):
I guess we all.
Speaker 8 (04:51):
Need to shop at Banana Republic from now on.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Because that's what it feels like. Yeah, a Banana Republic.
After this trial, we need to shop at old Navy
because our country is a sinking ship. It was a sham,
a sham. This trial a sham. I say it was
(05:18):
a sham. I'm shopping at don't Navy. The trial was
a sham. Yes, we impaneled grand juries and submitted evidence.
And cross examined witnesses. But how is Donald Trump or
his family not allowed on the jury? Outrageous? I guess
in America now we need to start shopping at Banobo's
because our country is getting at both ends. You see,
(05:48):
if I may, Bonobos are highly sexual apes frequently engage
in activities with multiple partners. So I'm going to be
a big hit on Brian dologist Dick Dock. But maybe
our justice system wasn't a sham, but certainly applying our
(06:11):
justice system to Donald Trump was.
Speaker 6 (06:13):
This is the weaponization of the justice system against their
political opponent.
Speaker 9 (06:17):
This is a justice.
Speaker 6 (06:18):
System that hunts Republicans while protecting Democrats.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Oh my god, the justice system hunts Republicans while protecting democants.
Someone should mention that to such unprotected Democrats as Senator
Robert Menendez and Congressman Henry Quay are both facing corruption
charges brought by our Department of Justice. Not to mention,
Hunter Biden was facing Jerry's selection in a federal gun
chargers trial today. That's probably why you notice everyone on
(06:45):
Fox and Friends this morning using pillows to cover their boners.
Speaker 9 (06:48):
It.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
But now you've done it. The rurals through your sham organization.
The good arted and good intention denizens of Magaitania have
finally been pushed too far.
Speaker 8 (07:03):
Be ready because on January twenty of next year, when
he's former president Joe Biden, what's good for the Goose
is good for the Gander.
Speaker 5 (07:10):
And Daily Wires Matt Walsh said Trump should quote make
and publish a list of ten high ranking Democrat.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
Criminals who he will have arrested when he takes office.
Speaker 4 (07:19):
These Democrats will ruin the day they decided to use
law fair to stop a presidential candidate. It won't be
Hunter Biden. The next time. It's going to be Joe Biden.
It could potentially still be Barack Obama. It could still
potentially be Hillary Clinton.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
It could be Barack Obama. First of all, why is
she broadcasting in front of Georgia o'keef's vagina? And second,
(08:01):
perhaps it is time for those on the right to
begin to examine what it might be like to investigate
Hillary and William Clinton, or perhaps to do it continuously
and relentlessly for the last thirty years, but to admit
their own political gamesmanship, their own attempts at weaponizing justice,
their own relentless pursuit of opponents their own dehumanizing rhetoric
(08:25):
towards the left, would be to allow a molecule of
reality into the air tight distortion field that has been
created to protect Macedonians from the harsh glare of actuality.
It is a place where a moment such as this
next one can pass without so much as a gasp
(08:48):
of what planet do you live on? For it is
clearly not ours.
Speaker 10 (08:54):
He famously said regarding Hillary Clinton, locker up.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
You declined to do that as president. I didn't say
locker up, but the people don't say lock her up?
Speaker 11 (09:02):
Luck up?
Speaker 2 (09:17):
What the fuck you never said lock her I think
I remember you saying it to her face at a debate.
Speaker 5 (09:30):
It's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of
Donald Trump is not in charge of the law in
our country.
Speaker 4 (09:37):
Because you'd be in jail.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
To be fair, I apologize. You did not say the
words lock her up. You only used a phrase synonymous
with locking her up. Again, apologies, you didn't say lock
her up. You merely gave the thumbs up to thousands
(10:04):
of others chanting lock her up. But that doesn't mean
he literally said lock her up, although to be fair,
he literally said, lock her up all the time.
Speaker 12 (10:17):
So cooking Hillary anyway took it, and you should lock
her up.
Speaker 6 (10:21):
I'll tell you for what she's done, they should lock
her up. Lock her up is right, Lock up the bubes,
lock up Hillary?
Speaker 2 (10:35):
And he said time and then I and the Fox
and Friends b team is just sitting there, tanned and fit,
healthy and so hockable. How did they get seld good
(11:00):
looking bunch? But there's three of them. One of them
didn't remember, he said, lock them up. I can believe
two of them didn't remember. Three of them. And that,
ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, is why we
need courts. Whatever flaws the American justice system has, and
(11:21):
they are a legion, especially for non billionaire former presidents,
it does appear to be the last place in America
where you can't just say whatever the fact you want,
regardless of reality. Trump knows this better than anyone.
Speaker 12 (11:38):
Now I would have testified.
Speaker 10 (11:39):
I wanted to testify.
Speaker 12 (11:41):
The theory is you never testify because as soon as
you testify anybody, if it were George Washington, don't testify
because they'll get you in something that you said slightly wrong,
and then they sue you for perjury. You would have
said something out of whack, like it was a beautiful
sunny day and it was actually raiding out.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
Yes, our jails in America are filled with incompetent weathermen.
Speaker 13 (12:10):
I'm telling your officer, I thought there would be thunder
snow the twenty percent instead of chance. Don't take me away.
This is why the.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Law and order right hates court procedures when applied to them.
Courts are the last remaining guardrail that is a standard
of evidentiary presentation. It is the last place where you
have to prove what you say. And you see the
difference in what they say out of court versus what
they say in court. Here is Trump on the twenty
(12:41):
twenty election. Out of court. This is a fraud on
the American public.
Speaker 12 (12:46):
We know there was massive fraud.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
It was a rigged election. Here are his lawyers in court.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
This is not a fraud case.
Speaker 8 (12:56):
We are not pledging fraud in this lawsuit, legend that
anyone was stealing the election.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Here is Rudy Giuliani pleading before the court of seasonal landscapers.
Happening there. It's a mix up. He's pleading but not
in the actual court. It's a fraud, an absolute fraud.
And what does Juliani say about that in court? If
(13:25):
we had it led fraud? Yes, but this is not
is not a fraud case. It's not a fraud case
in court where I would need evidence. It's only a
fraud case out there amongst the sod and the mulch
or I can say whatever I want. Fox News says
(13:47):
that dominion voting machines rig the election for Biden. Out
of court.
Speaker 14 (13:51):
They were flipping votes in the computer system or adding
votes that did not exist. The whole situation was carefully
calculated and created to steal the election from President Trump.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
Did you notice as the fraud trial went on, Sidney
Powell turned into Michael Jackson? Is that.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
Happened?
Speaker 2 (14:16):
The epolets ended that segment with but that's where you
can say out of court, But in court, Fox was
forced to pay seven hundred and eighty seven million dollars
for false statements. The difference between in court and out
(14:38):
of court is that in court someone can say, prove it.
And the problem is that most of the time in
this country, our political leaders are not in court. They
are here on TV, where the news media has decided
that there's really no such thing as reality.
Speaker 6 (15:02):
We now live in two utterly different universes.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
These two Americas are living in two different realities.
Speaker 14 (15:08):
We're living in two different realities.
Speaker 8 (15:10):
Americans are living in two for the most part, two
very different realities right now.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
No, you're thinking of the multiverse. We are all living
in one reality, and it can be the news media's
job to litigate the parameters of said reality. What the
courts do really well is look backwards and reconstruct the
(15:37):
realities of what happened. The news media could do the same,
but what they do instead is look forward and wildly
speculate on the future.
Speaker 5 (15:49):
If Donald Trump is the nominee, and if he is
convicted of a crime, could you support him?
Speaker 14 (15:54):
If he's a convicted felon, If he is the Republican nominee,
does that mean you're still going to vote for him?
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Invicted before November?
Speaker 4 (16:01):
Would you still support them?
Speaker 11 (16:02):
Then?
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Will you commit to certifying the twenty twenty four election results,
no matter who wins, Let me look forward.
Speaker 5 (16:08):
Will you accept the election results of twenty twenty four,
no matter what happened?
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Senator, No matter what Senator, voting regularities and overlords voting
machines that suddenly transform into fighting robots, voting booth powers activate?
Will you still certify?
Speaker 4 (16:24):
Who?
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Thing cares? No one knows what the future holds. Ask
this person what it was about the twenty twenty election
that they found objectionable, and then litigate the realities of
their objections to them in front of them. So when
they say to you, I never said locker up, you
can say I object they do that? What is wrong
(16:50):
with you?
Speaker 4 (16:56):
What wrong with you?
Speaker 2 (17:03):
And you know what? I gotta Purre's the deal. You
really want to ask speculative questions that nobody can answer,
We'll just create a show just for that. We'll tip
it down to a half hour and call it No
One Knows, and you can put all the polls and
the horse race questions in there. And then with the
other twenty three and a half hours in the day
(17:24):
the other sevent days a week, you can present the
evidence for our shared experience, because court should be the
option of last resort for our defined reality, not the
only option for our defined reality. So listen up, media,
We'll give you a little gavel. You can study all
the evidence, no matter how tedious, and reach a conclusion,
and then you can present those conclusions, and the audience us.
(17:47):
We'll be the ones doing like jury duty willingly, without
penalty of law, or without trying to come up with
any excuse to avoid having to do jury duty. I
think I'm seeing the flaw in my argument. Either way,
it's better than what we have.
Speaker 9 (18:02):
Now, let's kick things off with the only presidential candidate
with an ankle monitor Donald Trump. Last week, the corrupt
and woke DEI justice system find guilty of thirty four felonies,
and now he's saying if he gets backs into power,
he's going to get his revenge on the people who
(18:24):
had nothing to.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Do with it.
Speaker 11 (18:25):
Donald Trump is again suggesting his political opponents could be
jailed if he wins reelection, including former Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton.
Speaker 10 (18:36):
Does that mean the next president does it to them?
That's really the question. Wouldn't it be terrible to throw
the president's wife and the former secretary of state into jail?
It's very possible that it's going to have to happen
to them.
Speaker 9 (18:51):
You're gonna jail Hillary Clinton? Haven't you done enough to
this woman?
Speaker 10 (18:56):
Yo?
Speaker 2 (18:57):
If you're gonna get revenge.
Speaker 9 (18:58):
At least get it on the people who did the
thing to you, this is like the Russian mob killing
John Wick's dog, and John Wick is like, you know
who's gonna pay for this?
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Hillary Clinton?
Speaker 9 (19:09):
I mean, Kennald Trump gets some new beefs already. Okay,
you don't see Britney Spear is still getting the fights.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
With Christina Agele.
Speaker 9 (19:16):
Do you no? Britney's at home dancing with knives like
a normal person. But Trump isn't in despite alone. Okay,
He's got a whole crew of brain damage friends standing
up for him, like Marjorie Taylor Green, who's so mad
at what the courts did that she wants to defund
New York.
Speaker 7 (19:33):
Screw new York.
Speaker 5 (19:35):
New York doesn't deserve a damn penny.
Speaker 4 (19:37):
We shouldn't fund them one single dime, not a dime.
Speaker 5 (19:41):
They don't deserve a penny from the federal government.
Speaker 9 (19:45):
WHOA take it easier, New York, Marjorie, you remember that
space laser that you're worried about the people who run.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
It live here.
Speaker 9 (19:55):
Okay, it's kind of sad to watch a person slam
New new York when they clearly would make an amazing
New Yorker. Okay. MTG's host speech is going to be
repeated wood for wood by a homeless guy on the
sea train at three am tonight. But let's talk about
a different Trump ally who's saying unhinged things. Okay, right now.
(20:17):
His name is Byron Donald's and if you didn't know
him before, well he's a cool guy with smart opinions.
Speaker 7 (20:22):
Republican Congressman Byron Donalds, widely considered a potential VP pick
for Donald Trump, is facing backlash from Democrats today after
saying that black families were stronger during Jim Crow before
they were influenced by Democratic policies.
Speaker 11 (20:37):
During Jim Crowe.
Speaker 6 (20:38):
The back family was together during Jim Crow.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
More black people pot a conservative lead.
Speaker 9 (20:49):
Why are Trump's potential VP picks insane? I I never
thought I say this, but this might be a good
time to take a second look at the dog murderer. Okay,
and I know what you're thinking. How could a congressman
think that Jim Cole era was good for black families?
But to be fair, he's a congressman from Florida and
that's literally the title of the US history textbooks. Okay,
(21:12):
So let's move on to some cultural news, because it's
not just congressmen who have crazy opinions. It's also everyone.
Speaker 8 (21:19):
And now to a grocery card controversy getting a lot
of traction online. A video posted by a woman who
unapologetically says she never returns her shopping cart.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
I'm not returning my shopping cart, and you can judge
me all you want.
Speaker 8 (21:33):
California mom Leslie Dobson says she's afraid her children will
be abducted while she's busy returning her cart.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
I'm not getting my groceries into my car, getting my
children into.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
The car, and then leaving them in the car.
Speaker 8 (21:46):
To go return the cart.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
So if you're going to give me a dirty look, off,
wa mean off you.
Speaker 9 (21:54):
All right, I didn't even want your kids, but now
I feel like I gotta take them because they're talking
about shit. Look lady, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Look lady.
Speaker 9 (22:07):
If you want to be lazy and not return your
shopping cut, you don't have to use your kids as
an excuse. Okay, just say you don't know what six
feet This is America. Nobody walks six feet Okay. If
you're really that worried about your kids getting abducted, just
take them with you to return the cat, or leave
them in the car and lock the doors.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
Maybe bare your kids are safe. If you want to
be extra shirt, just get them bad haircuts.
Speaker 9 (22:31):
Okay, nobody wants your weird looking kids. And by the way,
who are these kids that are so abductible that you
can't walk ten steps without every predator in America descending
upon them. If it's that easy to abduct kids in
the parking lot, then what's the big deal?
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Okay?
Speaker 9 (22:46):
If your kids get stolen and just take the ones
from the con next door, Okay, this is problems off.
Let's move on to some international news. Okay, because there
are places deep in the Amazon jungle where primitive tribes
are untouched by the model, but luckily Elon Musk is
taking care of that.
Speaker 6 (23:03):
A reclusive tribe in the Amazon finally got connected to
the internet, only the wind Up hooked on social media
and porn. Nine months ago, the Marubo tribe.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Got internet service for the first time thanks to Elon
Musk's Starling service.
Speaker 6 (23:17):
But young men have been sharing porn videos on group chats,
while others have phoned victim to Internet scams.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
People hunched over on their phones, typing away, sending voice notes,
watching you know, video clips. I saw two very young
boys just you know, swiping through video after video of
Maymar Junior.
Speaker 9 (23:36):
Okay, haters, I think this is great.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
Okay.
Speaker 9 (23:40):
The internet opens up all of human knowledge to these people.
They go online and they were like, Wow, there's so
much going on.
Speaker 6 (23:46):
In the world.
Speaker 9 (23:47):
Do you see this lady of the shopping cats. She
doesn't want to walk six feet? Okay, let's go get
our kids. By the way, I'm so happy that people
in the middle of the Amazon get better Internet than
I get respect from. But there's one thing they discovered
right away.
Speaker 6 (24:03):
Porn.
Speaker 9 (24:04):
That's right, and untouched. Amazon civilization is now touching itself.
Oh more on this remote trod getting into the access
we go live to the Amazon rainforest with Troy. You wanta.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
All right? Try try, try, Hey, what's the situation over there?
Speaker 8 (24:26):
I'm sorry, I canna hear you over the sound of
all the dang gay fever. Why do you keep sending
me to these places? You told me I was going
to Amazon? This is a rainforest. How am I supposed
to return this slapchot? I checked this at the gate, Ronnie.
Speaker 9 (24:44):
Okay, Troy, can you just shut up for a second. Okay,
how has the internet impacted this remote tribe.
Speaker 8 (24:50):
It's an absolute tragedy. This was once a wonderful people
with proud customs and traditions. Now everyone is glued to
their phones. They're falling for scams. The men of stop
hunting wild boars and are just hunting MILFs.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
And you can't.
Speaker 8 (25:05):
You can't feed your family with milk meat. Okay, It's
it's too stringy. So we we have to take the
Internet away. I mean, can you imagine living in a
society obsessed with their phones like this?
Speaker 2 (25:20):
Uh?
Speaker 9 (25:21):
Yeah, that's that's our society. So what you're saying, we
should take the Internet away from ourselves?
Speaker 8 (25:28):
Here, Ronnie, I'll kill you. Sorry, sorry, sorry, that's it's
the Dengay. It's just that I we we need the Internet.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
Okay.
Speaker 8 (25:40):
Where else can I get a slap chop same day
a store? No, it's it's too late for us, Ronnie.
We have no culture left to save. All we do
is trade crypto and use chat GBT to write our
birthday cards. You know, I love you, Grandma?
Speaker 2 (25:56):
How does it do that?
Speaker 8 (25:59):
As humanity, we need one place untouched by the Internet.
Besides every single goddamn elevator. This tribe is pure and
og human. We have to protect them, because they'll be
the ones repopulating the world when the rest of us
go to nuclear war over some bitches shopping cart.
Speaker 9 (26:17):
Okay, yeah, but the sudden decline should be a lesson
to all of us, right that the Internet can take
something pure and immediately corrupted. I mean, maybe this tribe
is a mirror of our own society, and maybe we
should all unplugged for the good of humanity.
Speaker 8 (26:33):
Okay, you first, you give up the Internet.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
I'll tell you all right.
Speaker 9 (26:37):
Sorry, sorry, I just I just hit a million followers
on half of.
Speaker 8 (26:41):
Those I rest my case.
Speaker 7 (26:44):
We're a lost cause.
Speaker 8 (26:44):
So I'm going to get the hell out of the
Amazon before we ruin these people too. I just ordered
an uber it's five weeks away. There is an uber
pool and it's three minutes away. But like, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
No, no, wait for Uber.
Speaker 9 (26:59):
Wait. I want everybody. Explore more shows from the Daily
Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
Get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten.
Speaker 4 (27:10):
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Speaker 1 (27:19):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
Miname me down, Stuart. What a factulous program have for
the night. Now it's been rough for me. Now that
my Knicks and my Rangers are out of the playoffs,
I'm ready to focus on the world. There's a lot
going on today. Doctor Anthony Fauci testified in front of
Congress today and ironically contracted rabies there terrible, but his
(00:44):
testimony was obviously about whether or not the pandemic was
caused by a lab leak. I just will never know.
Don't say it's to it. Also, bb neting Yahoo has
(01:05):
been invited next week to come to lie to Congress.
I'm sorry, address a dress time? What did I say,
come to address Congress through the art of lying. And
Mexico has just elected its first female and its first
(01:26):
Jewish president, so I'm very much looking forward to NPR's
coverage of it because they are always they are always
very careful to pronounce names authentically, so I'm sure it'll
be like turning me out to the newly elected Mexican president, Claudia.
Speaker 3 (01:41):
In Shane.
Speaker 2 (01:46):
With the shop with the shul. But of course, the
biggest story continues to be the reaction to former President
Trump's trial convictions. For the left, the conviction was an
exercise in concealed and controlled glee. Many took the opportunity
to over demonstrate how they took no pleasure from this
(02:10):
day that they had been dreaming about since childhood.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
It was a somber and sad day for America that
we have now seen a former president convicted on three
four fellow accounts.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
I would hope we could all agree that this is
a sad moment. The justice system had an honorable day,
our country had a sad day, and Faris Beulah had
the day off. Perhaps nothing personified the delicate high wire
between glee and gravitas more than President Biden's chesher cat
(02:46):
press conference encore.
Speaker 5 (02:48):
Mister president, can you tell us, sir, Donald Trump prefers
himself as a political prisoner and blames you directly. What's
your response?
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Now, don't stop, don't go, don't stop. Why can't they
tell him just fucking keep walking whenever he is out
in public and he stops? No buaino, okay go sir?
Speaker 5 (03:27):
Do you think the condition will have an impact on
the campaign. We'd love to hear your thoughts, sir.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Why does everything have to be so weird. Why if
you have something to say about it, say it. If
you don't have something to say about it, don't say
but you're just going to stop and hit him with
some kind of seventies sitcom freeze frame. Mister president, what
(04:09):
do you think of the conviction? Why?
Speaker 4 (04:22):
So?
Speaker 2 (04:23):
For Democrats, of course, the challenge is how do we
exploit the moment politically? Put out giving the impression that
this was the plan, all of law Republicans needed to
employ a slightly different strategy.
Speaker 6 (04:38):
So this was a sham rigged political show trial from
the very beginning.
Speaker 7 (04:42):
This is the most outrageous travesty I've ever seen.
Speaker 6 (04:45):
This was not law, this was not criminal justice. This
was politics.
Speaker 7 (04:49):
This was a political smear job.
Speaker 6 (04:50):
I guess we all.
Speaker 8 (04:51):
Need to shop at Banana Republic from now on.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Because that's what it feels like. Yeah, a Banana Republic.
After this trial, we need to shop at old Navy
because our country is a sinking ship. It was a sham,
a sham. This trial a sham. I say it was
(05:18):
a sham. I'm shopping at don't Navy. The trial was
a sham. Yes, we impaneled grand juries and submitted evidence.
And cross examined witnesses. But how is Donald Trump or
his family not allowed on the jury? Outrageous? I guess
in America now we need to start shopping at Banobo's
because our country is getting at both ends. You see,
(05:48):
if I may, Bonobos are highly sexual apes frequently engage
in activities with multiple partners. So I'm going to be
a big hit on Brian dologist Dick Dock. But maybe
our justice system wasn't a sham, but certainly applying our
(06:11):
justice system to Donald Trump was.
Speaker 6 (06:13):
This is the weaponization of the justice system against their
political opponent.
Speaker 9 (06:17):
This is a justice.
Speaker 6 (06:18):
System that hunts Republicans while protecting Democrats.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Oh my god, the justice system hunts Republicans while protecting democants.
Someone should mention that to such unprotected Democrats as Senator
Robert Menendez and Congressman Henry Quay are both facing corruption
charges brought by our Department of Justice. Not to mention,
Hunter Biden was facing Jerry's selection in a federal gun
chargers trial today. That's probably why you notice everyone on
(06:45):
Fox and Friends this morning using pillows to cover their boners.
Speaker 9 (06:48):
It.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
But now you've done it. The rurals through your sham organization.
The good arted and good intention denizens of Magaitania have
finally been pushed too far.
Speaker 8 (07:03):
Be ready because on January twenty of next year, when
he's former president Joe Biden, what's good for the Goose
is good for the Gander.
Speaker 5 (07:10):
And Daily Wires Matt Walsh said Trump should quote make
and publish a list of ten high ranking Democrat.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
Criminals who he will have arrested when he takes office.
Speaker 4 (07:19):
These Democrats will ruin the day they decided to use
law fair to stop a presidential candidate. It won't be
Hunter Biden. The next time. It's going to be Joe Biden.
It could potentially still be Barack Obama. It could still
potentially be Hillary Clinton.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
It could be Barack Obama. First of all, why is
she broadcasting in front of Georgia o'keef's vagina? And second,
(08:01):
perhaps it is time for those on the right to
begin to examine what it might be like to investigate
Hillary and William Clinton, or perhaps to do it continuously
and relentlessly for the last thirty years, but to admit
their own political gamesmanship, their own attempts at weaponizing justice,
their own relentless pursuit of opponents their own dehumanizing rhetoric
(08:25):
towards the left, would be to allow a molecule of
reality into the air tight distortion field that has been
created to protect Macedonians from the harsh glare of actuality.
It is a place where a moment such as this
next one can pass without so much as a gasp
(08:48):
of what planet do you live on? For it is
clearly not ours.
Speaker 10 (08:54):
He famously said regarding Hillary Clinton, locker up.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
You declined to do that as president. I didn't say
locker up, but the people don't say lock her up?
Speaker 11 (09:02):
Luck up?
Speaker 2 (09:17):
What the fuck you never said lock her I think
I remember you saying it to her face at a debate.
Speaker 5 (09:30):
It's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of
Donald Trump is not in charge of the law in
our country.
Speaker 4 (09:37):
Because you'd be in jail.
Speaker 2 (09:42):
To be fair, I apologize. You did not say the
words lock her up. You only used a phrase synonymous
with locking her up. Again, apologies, you didn't say lock
her up. You merely gave the thumbs up to thousands
(10:04):
of others chanting lock her up. But that doesn't mean
he literally said lock her up, although to be fair,
he literally said, lock her up all the time.
Speaker 12 (10:17):
So cooking Hillary anyway took it, and you should lock
her up.
Speaker 6 (10:21):
I'll tell you for what she's done, they should lock
her up. Lock her up is right, Lock up the bubes,
lock up Hillary?
Speaker 2 (10:35):
And he said time and then I and the Fox
and Friends b team is just sitting there, tanned and fit,
healthy and so hockable. How did they get seld good
(11:00):
looking bunch? But there's three of them. One of them
didn't remember, he said, lock them up. I can believe
two of them didn't remember. Three of them. And that,
ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, is why we
need courts. Whatever flaws the American justice system has, and
(11:21):
they are a legion, especially for non billionaire former presidents,
it does appear to be the last place in America
where you can't just say whatever the fact you want,
regardless of reality. Trump knows this better than anyone.
Speaker 12 (11:38):
Now I would have testified.
Speaker 10 (11:39):
I wanted to testify.
Speaker 12 (11:41):
The theory is you never testify because as soon as
you testify anybody, if it were George Washington, don't testify
because they'll get you in something that you said slightly wrong,
and then they sue you for perjury. You would have
said something out of whack, like it was a beautiful
sunny day and it was actually raiding out.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
Yes, our jails in America are filled with incompetent weathermen.
Speaker 13 (12:10):
I'm telling your officer, I thought there would be thunder
snow the twenty percent instead of chance. Don't take me away.
This is why the.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Law and order right hates court procedures when applied to them.
Courts are the last remaining guardrail that is a standard
of evidentiary presentation. It is the last place where you
have to prove what you say. And you see the
difference in what they say out of court versus what
they say in court. Here is Trump on the twenty
(12:41):
twenty election. Out of court. This is a fraud on
the American public.
Speaker 12 (12:46):
We know there was massive fraud.
Speaker 2 (12:48):
It was a rigged election. Here are his lawyers in court.
Speaker 3 (12:54):
This is not a fraud case.
Speaker 8 (12:56):
We are not pledging fraud in this lawsuit, legend that
anyone was stealing the election.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
Here is Rudy Giuliani pleading before the court of seasonal landscapers.
Happening there. It's a mix up. He's pleading but not
in the actual court. It's a fraud, an absolute fraud.
And what does Juliani say about that in court? If
(13:25):
we had it led fraud? Yes, but this is not
is not a fraud case. It's not a fraud case
in court where I would need evidence. It's only a
fraud case out there amongst the sod and the mulch
or I can say whatever I want. Fox News says
(13:47):
that dominion voting machines rig the election for Biden. Out
of court.
Speaker 14 (13:51):
They were flipping votes in the computer system or adding
votes that did not exist. The whole situation was carefully
calculated and created to steal the election from President Trump.
Speaker 2 (14:09):
Did you notice as the fraud trial went on, Sidney
Powell turned into Michael Jackson? Is that.
Speaker 3 (14:15):
Happened?
Speaker 2 (14:16):
The epolets ended that segment with but that's where you
can say out of court, But in court, Fox was
forced to pay seven hundred and eighty seven million dollars
for false statements. The difference between in court and out
(14:38):
of court is that in court someone can say, prove it.
And the problem is that most of the time in
this country, our political leaders are not in court. They
are here on TV, where the news media has decided
that there's really no such thing as reality.
Speaker 6 (15:02):
We now live in two utterly different universes.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
These two Americas are living in two different realities.
Speaker 14 (15:08):
We're living in two different realities.
Speaker 8 (15:10):
Americans are living in two for the most part, two
very different realities right now.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
No, you're thinking of the multiverse. We are all living
in one reality, and it can be the news media's
job to litigate the parameters of said reality. What the
courts do really well is look backwards and reconstruct the
(15:37):
realities of what happened. The news media could do the same,
but what they do instead is look forward and wildly
speculate on the future.
Speaker 5 (15:49):
If Donald Trump is the nominee, and if he is
convicted of a crime, could you support him?
Speaker 14 (15:54):
If he's a convicted felon, If he is the Republican nominee,
does that mean you're still going to vote for him?
Speaker 2 (16:00):
Invicted before November?
Speaker 4 (16:01):
Would you still support them?
Speaker 11 (16:02):
Then?
Speaker 2 (16:02):
Will you commit to certifying the twenty twenty four election results,
no matter who wins, Let me look forward.
Speaker 5 (16:08):
Will you accept the election results of twenty twenty four,
no matter what happened?
Speaker 2 (16:12):
Senator, No matter what Senator, voting regularities and overlords voting
machines that suddenly transform into fighting robots, voting booth powers activate?
Will you still certify?
Speaker 4 (16:24):
Who?
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Thing cares? No one knows what the future holds. Ask
this person what it was about the twenty twenty election
that they found objectionable, and then litigate the realities of
their objections to them in front of them. So when
they say to you, I never said locker up, you
can say I object they do that? What is wrong
(16:50):
with you?
Speaker 4 (16:56):
What wrong with you?
Speaker 2 (17:03):
And you know what? I gotta Purre's the deal. You
really want to ask speculative questions that nobody can answer,
We'll just create a show just for that. We'll tip
it down to a half hour and call it No
One Knows, and you can put all the polls and
the horse race questions in there. And then with the
other twenty three and a half hours in the day
(17:24):
the other sevent days a week, you can present the
evidence for our shared experience, because court should be the
option of last resort for our defined reality, not the
only option for our defined reality. So listen up, media,
We'll give you a little gavel. You can study all
the evidence, no matter how tedious, and reach a conclusion,
and then you can present those conclusions, and the audience us.
(17:47):
We'll be the ones doing like jury duty willingly, without
penalty of law, or without trying to come up with
any excuse to avoid having to do jury duty. I
think I'm seeing the flaw in my argument. Either way,
it's better than what we have.
Speaker 9 (18:02):
Now, let's kick things off with the only presidential candidate
with an ankle monitor Donald Trump. Last week, the corrupt
and woke DEI justice system find guilty of thirty four felonies,
and now he's saying if he gets backs into power,
he's going to get his revenge on the people who
(18:24):
had nothing to.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
Do with it.
Speaker 11 (18:25):
Donald Trump is again suggesting his political opponents could be
jailed if he wins reelection, including former Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton.
Speaker 10 (18:36):
Does that mean the next president does it to them?
That's really the question. Wouldn't it be terrible to throw
the president's wife and the former secretary of state into jail?
It's very possible that it's going to have to happen
to them.
Speaker 9 (18:51):
You're gonna jail Hillary Clinton? Haven't you done enough to
this woman?
Speaker 10 (18:56):
Yo?
Speaker 2 (18:57):
If you're gonna get revenge.
Speaker 9 (18:58):
At least get it on the people who did the
thing to you, this is like the Russian mob killing
John Wick's dog, and John Wick is like, you know
who's gonna pay for this?
Speaker 2 (19:07):
Hillary Clinton?
Speaker 9 (19:09):
I mean, Kennald Trump gets some new beefs already. Okay,
you don't see Britney Spear is still getting the fights.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
With Christina Agele.
Speaker 9 (19:16):
Do you no? Britney's at home dancing with knives like
a normal person. But Trump isn't in despite alone. Okay,
He's got a whole crew of brain damage friends standing
up for him, like Marjorie Taylor Green, who's so mad
at what the courts did that she wants to defund
New York.
Speaker 7 (19:33):
Screw new York.
Speaker 5 (19:35):
New York doesn't deserve a damn penny.
Speaker 4 (19:37):
We shouldn't fund them one single dime, not a dime.
Speaker 5 (19:41):
They don't deserve a penny from the federal government.
Speaker 9 (19:45):
WHOA take it easier, New York, Marjorie, you remember that
space laser that you're worried about the people who run.
Speaker 2 (19:54):
It live here.
Speaker 9 (19:55):
Okay, it's kind of sad to watch a person slam
New new York when they clearly would make an amazing
New Yorker. Okay. MTG's host speech is going to be
repeated wood for wood by a homeless guy on the
sea train at three am tonight. But let's talk about
a different Trump ally who's saying unhinged things. Okay, right now.
(20:17):
His name is Byron Donald's and if you didn't know
him before, well he's a cool guy with smart opinions.
Speaker 7 (20:22):
Republican Congressman Byron Donalds, widely considered a potential VP pick
for Donald Trump, is facing backlash from Democrats today after
saying that black families were stronger during Jim Crow before
they were influenced by Democratic policies.
Speaker 11 (20:37):
During Jim Crowe.
Speaker 6 (20:38):
The back family was together during Jim Crow.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
More black people pot a conservative lead.
Speaker 9 (20:49):
Why are Trump's potential VP picks insane? I I never
thought I say this, but this might be a good
time to take a second look at the dog murderer. Okay,
and I know what you're thinking. How could a congressman
think that Jim Cole era was good for black families?
But to be fair, he's a congressman from Florida and
that's literally the title of the US history textbooks. Okay,
(21:12):
So let's move on to some cultural news, because it's
not just congressmen who have crazy opinions. It's also everyone.
Speaker 8 (21:19):
And now to a grocery card controversy getting a lot
of traction online. A video posted by a woman who
unapologetically says she never returns her shopping cart.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
I'm not returning my shopping cart, and you can judge
me all you want.
Speaker 8 (21:33):
California mom Leslie Dobson says she's afraid her children will
be abducted while she's busy returning her cart.
Speaker 2 (21:39):
I'm not getting my groceries into my car, getting my
children into.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
The car, and then leaving them in the car.
Speaker 8 (21:46):
To go return the cart.
Speaker 2 (21:47):
So if you're going to give me a dirty look, off,
wa mean off you.
Speaker 9 (21:54):
All right, I didn't even want your kids, but now
I feel like I gotta take them because they're talking
about shit. Look lady, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:06):
Look lady.
Speaker 9 (22:07):
If you want to be lazy and not return your
shopping cut, you don't have to use your kids as
an excuse. Okay, just say you don't know what six
feet This is America. Nobody walks six feet Okay. If
you're really that worried about your kids getting abducted, just
take them with you to return the cat, or leave
them in the car and lock the doors.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
Maybe bare your kids are safe. If you want to
be extra shirt, just get them bad haircuts.
Speaker 9 (22:31):
Okay, nobody wants your weird looking kids. And by the way,
who are these kids that are so abductible that you
can't walk ten steps without every predator in America descending
upon them. If it's that easy to abduct kids in
the parking lot, then what's the big deal?
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Okay?
Speaker 9 (22:46):
If your kids get stolen and just take the ones
from the con next door, Okay, this is problems off.
Let's move on to some international news. Okay, because there
are places deep in the Amazon jungle where primitive tribes
are untouched by the model, but luckily Elon Musk is
taking care of that.
Speaker 6 (23:03):
A reclusive tribe in the Amazon finally got connected to
the internet, only the wind Up hooked on social media
and porn. Nine months ago, the Marubo tribe.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Got internet service for the first time thanks to Elon
Musk's Starling service.
Speaker 6 (23:17):
But young men have been sharing porn videos on group chats,
while others have phoned victim to Internet scams.
Speaker 3 (23:22):
People hunched over on their phones, typing away, sending voice notes,
watching you know, video clips. I saw two very young
boys just you know, swiping through video after video of
Maymar Junior.
Speaker 9 (23:36):
Okay, haters, I think this is great.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
Okay.
Speaker 9 (23:40):
The internet opens up all of human knowledge to these people.
They go online and they were like, Wow, there's so
much going on.
Speaker 6 (23:46):
In the world.
Speaker 9 (23:47):
Do you see this lady of the shopping cats. She
doesn't want to walk six feet? Okay, let's go get
our kids. By the way, I'm so happy that people
in the middle of the Amazon get better Internet than
I get respect from. But there's one thing they discovered
right away.
Speaker 6 (24:03):
Porn.
Speaker 9 (24:04):
That's right, and untouched. Amazon civilization is now touching itself.
Oh more on this remote trod getting into the access
we go live to the Amazon rainforest with Troy. You wanta.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
All right? Try try, try, Hey, what's the situation over there?
Speaker 8 (24:26):
I'm sorry, I canna hear you over the sound of
all the dang gay fever. Why do you keep sending
me to these places? You told me I was going
to Amazon? This is a rainforest. How am I supposed
to return this slapchot? I checked this at the gate, Ronnie.
Speaker 9 (24:44):
Okay, Troy, can you just shut up for a second. Okay,
how has the internet impacted this remote tribe.
Speaker 8 (24:50):
It's an absolute tragedy. This was once a wonderful people
with proud customs and traditions. Now everyone is glued to
their phones. They're falling for scams. The men of stop
hunting wild boars and are just hunting MILFs.
Speaker 2 (25:02):
And you can't.
Speaker 8 (25:05):
You can't feed your family with milk meat. Okay, It's
it's too stringy. So we we have to take the
Internet away. I mean, can you imagine living in a
society obsessed with their phones like this?
Speaker 2 (25:20):
Uh?
Speaker 9 (25:21):
Yeah, that's that's our society. So what you're saying, we
should take the Internet away from ourselves?
Speaker 8 (25:28):
Here, Ronnie, I'll kill you. Sorry, sorry, sorry, that's it's
the Dengay. It's just that I we we need the Internet.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
Okay.
Speaker 8 (25:40):
Where else can I get a slap chop same day
a store? No, it's it's too late for us, Ronnie.
We have no culture left to save. All we do
is trade crypto and use chat GBT to write our
birthday cards. You know, I love you, Grandma?
Speaker 2 (25:56):
How does it do that?
Speaker 8 (25:59):
As humanity, we need one place untouched by the Internet.
Besides every single goddamn elevator. This tribe is pure and
og human. We have to protect them, because they'll be
the ones repopulating the world when the rest of us
go to nuclear war over some bitches shopping cart.
Speaker 9 (26:17):
Okay, yeah, but the sudden decline should be a lesson
to all of us, right that the Internet can take
something pure and immediately corrupted. I mean, maybe this tribe
is a mirror of our own society, and maybe we
should all unplugged for the good of humanity.
Speaker 8 (26:33):
Okay, you first, you give up the Internet.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
I'll tell you all right.
Speaker 9 (26:37):
Sorry, sorry, I just I just hit a million followers
on half of.
Speaker 8 (26:41):
Those I rest my case.
Speaker 7 (26:44):
We're a lost cause.
Speaker 8 (26:44):
So I'm going to get the hell out of the
Amazon before we ruin these people too. I just ordered
an uber it's five weeks away. There is an uber
pool and it's three minutes away. But like, no, no, no, no.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
No, no, wait for Uber.
Speaker 9 (26:59):
Wait. I want everybody. Explore more shows from the Daily
Show podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever you.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
Get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten.
Speaker 4 (27:10):
Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime on
Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (27:19):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast
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