Jon Stewart dives into the GOP's criminalization of Democratic-run cities, which is ironic given that most guns come from red states. Also, Desi Lydic and Ronny Chieng cover the Celtics' historic 18th NBA Championship win and the campaigns of rage-baiting candidates, Royce White and Valentina Gomez.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
YEA, no, nice to say it. Tonight, my name is
John Stewart. We have an unbelievable show for you tonight.
Next week obviously we're gonna have the big debate show,
(00:25):
but tonight we're gonna start. We're gonna get a quick
state of play on this incredibly consequential presidential election. I
guess the election is basically boiled down to each candidate
accusing the.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Other of having soup.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Where there should be brain. There is plenty of fodder
for the attacks. For instance, for President Biden, it is
his habit of seemingly staring at what can only be
considered ghosts or out of frame paratroopers, and then when
he's pulled back into frame somehow, giving the impression someone
(01:09):
has just quantum leaped into his body.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
How is that now?
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Don't look directly at the sun, sir, that would now?
And as for Trump, basically it's Trump tripping over his
own dick anytime he tries to capitalize on Biden's age.
Like this weekend, Trump appeared at the Herbal Life of
Political Conventions Turning Point, USA, where Trump articulated his case
(01:38):
for having best brain full neurons smart.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Joe Biden has no plan.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
He's got absolutely no plan.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
He doesn't even know what the word inflation means.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Oh, oh, you did it, no, oh, Joe Biden. So
he thinks inflation has arived in the overall price level
for goods and services in the economy, as measured by
the Consumer Price Index over time.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Oh shit, Oh that.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
All that.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
It turns out that is what it is. I'm sorry,
I'm being told that is what inflation is. But still
you tell him, Donna t.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
The case he's making to the American public is that
he's the sharpest tool in the shed. See if you
can find the flaw in his logic just one sentence later.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
I don't think if you gave him a quiz.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
I think he should take a cognitive test like I did.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
I took a cognitive test and I aced it.
Speaker 5 (02:46):
Doc Ronnie, Doc Ronnie Johnson.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Does everyone know Ronnie Johnson, Congressman from Texas Ronnie Johnson?
Speaker 1 (02:57):
An'thing?
Speaker 2 (02:58):
That cognitive test is a great point if only his
doctor was actually named Ronnie Johnson and not actually named
Ronnie Jackson. He got the guy's name wrong on his
cognitive test.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
I don't even know what to say.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Well, here's the problem. The sad thing is under MAGA law.
His name is now Ronnie Johnson. This is the way.
Those aren't the only comments. Trump seems to have spit
the bid on. Just weeks before he heads to the
Republican National Convention in Milwaukee, he called Milwaukee quote a
(03:46):
horrible city, forcing liberals around the country to defend Milwaukee,
a city they then had to pretend to have. Oh,
Milwaukee's the finest city in I want to say Indiana.
(04:11):
But don't worry because Donald Trump cleared the whole thing up.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
Well, I think it was very clear what I meant.
I said, We're very concerned with crime. I love Milwaukee.
I have great friends in Milwaukee. But it's as you know,
the crime numbers are terrible and we have to be
very careful.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Yeah, lots of criminals in Milwaukee.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
Are you talking about now, sir?
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Or when you and your felonious friends come to town.
(04:58):
The script that just as John turned and makes dumb face, that's.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
What I did, made a dumb anyway.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
It's a good save by former President Trump. The city's great,
he loves Milwaukee. It's the dang Democrat encouraged crime. It's
one of the right's favorite talking points, not just from Milwaukee,
but for all democratic run cities, that those cities are
crime infested shitholes where life is miserable and everyone hates everybody.
But people who live in these cities know that this
(05:32):
rhetoric is only kind of true now, and when people
who don't live in these cities say it, it's very annoying.
By the way, it does turn out the crime is
actually down.
Speaker 6 (05:44):
The FBI reporting the nation's violent crime rate has dropped
dramatically this year.
Speaker 7 (05:49):
Overall violent crime down fifteen percent from last year, murders down.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Twenty six percent.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
By every national metric, crime is down.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Solid trend. Crime is down. It's all a misunderstanding.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
But now that the FBI numbers are out, I'm sure
that the right wing media will adjust accordingly.
Speaker 6 (06:09):
Quality of life is not captured in any of the
FBI numbers. And if you live in a blue city,
walk outside and use your eyes.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
You should use your freaking eyes. Do you even see
over your shoulder? They were doing double donuts in a
bargain lot. That's like the certain desilet of automobiles.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
That's not crime, that's art.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Oh, but I'm sorry you were downplaying the crime statistics.
Speaker 8 (06:41):
Now they say there's no crime wave, but do you
feel safe?
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Doesn't feel that way.
Speaker 6 (06:45):
It certainly doesn't feel that way for the average American today.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Democrats will say, well, but crime is down, it's not
how people feel.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Yeah, as the right always famously says, feelings don't care
about your facts. Isn't that the slogan on the right now,
you know, I'd say it doesn't bring up a good point.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Though.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
If crime is down so much, why do people, especially
on the right, feel like it's up.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Oh, the crime graphic is.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
I hadn't really calculated slope in a while, but it
seems like the X axis is moving into the nodes
bleeds while the why axis is being tied down and sodomized.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
I'm sure that sure, that's just.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
A one off and not your network's entire programming.
Speaker 9 (07:45):
Another day, another stream of brazen, violent crimes.
Speaker 7 (07:48):
The havoc being wreaked upon America, undoubtedly coming to a town.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Or city near you.
Speaker 8 (07:54):
Blatant and outrageous crimes occurring on a daily basis, coast
to coast.
Speaker 6 (07:58):
You're seeing that in Chicago, and you know, all these
Democrat run cities.
Speaker 8 (08:01):
There's so much crime in the city. I can't I
can't comprehend how people live there. New York is now
this dystopian hellhole of crime and violence.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Is now a dystopian hell. You're just figuring that out now,
you big puss.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Oh, I'm sorry. Is Times Square Elmo too scarey for you?
Speaker 2 (08:34):
Because Times Square Elmo becomes at you?
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Are you?
Speaker 2 (08:41):
Are you scared of Times Square Elmo because he punches back,
unlike all the other Elmos who let you tickle them
with no consequences. Yeah, New York's a dystopian hellhole. That
and the bagels and pizza is why we move here.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
But of course.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Course there is one particular type of crime the conservatives
seem especially scared about.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Mark, Why do I keep seeing people pushing.
Speaker 10 (09:14):
Other people onto the train tracks?
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Not that that's not a cry, that's okay, I get that.
So the pushing onto the train tracks, that's just a misunderstanding.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Here's what's happening.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
So we do have people in the subways who are
there to try to help other passengers onto the train,
but sometimes the train isn't there yet.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
It's it's not.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Malevolent, it's just early, but I was actually talking about
another type of crime.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
People are getting shot in the face every single day.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Literally gets shot anywhere in the city.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
People getting shot in the subway.
Speaker 7 (10:03):
People are getting shot out on the street.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Going for a loaf of bread, you end up getting shot. Yeah,
you get shot.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
New Yorkers haven't had a sandwich in twelve years.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
It's an egg. Palm, loosen the hands.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
First of all, I'm surprised Trump has scared of guns
at all, considering he thinks they sound like this.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
We had our beautiful marine standing there bing bing bing bing,
you know, the old days, bing bong.
Speaker 5 (10:37):
Bing bom bombo.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
I would I would pay good money to hear Trump
describe the opening scene of saving Private Ryan, big big
bing and then the.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Nazis of bang Bong bong bong.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Nobody can get bread bang bang bong bing bing. But
the point is, if you leave your house in New York,
you will be shot dead. To all of our audience members,
I'm glad you chose to have your last moments with us. Sadly,
(11:26):
I must bid you a melancholy a big bomb.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Big bing b.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Now, all of this, by the way, is not to
say that gun crime does not exist. Of course it does,
and some cities are worse than others.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
But here's the thing, and I say this.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
With all due respect the balls of these right wing
mothers talking about how there's too much gun crime and
chaos in our democratic cities when Republicans are the ones
who've enabled the flood of illegal weaponry into our cities
(12:06):
in the first place. That's right. So don't get your
little painties in a bunch. There's something you want to know.
Ninety three percent of the illegal guns used in crimes
in New York City aren't from here. They, like theater majors,
(12:27):
have come here to make a name for themselves. The
guns come from states like Florida and Georgia and South
Carolina where the gun laws relax. And trust me, Florida's
not sending us their best guns. They're bringing guns for
drugs and crime and rapists and some I assume a.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Good guns.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
And try as we might to put up some border
controls to stem this invasion, this flood of literally undocumented weapons.
Republicans fight every attempt to bring some kind of order
and even pass laws to increase the chast.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Look at all the laws and things that they've done.
In two thousand and five, they passed the law.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
That effectively protects gun dealers and the gun manufacturers for
being held liable for where their guns end up. They
also try and make sure that terrorists and felons can
still get guns, and just recently they made sure that
they can turn those guns into machine guns with bump stocks.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
They make it.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Impossible to study the effects of guns, They make it
impossible to track the illegal guns. They fight fucking everything.
You want to know how cynical it is. Remember this guy,
This guy, Congressman Andrew Clyde from Georgia. He loves to
go on TV and talk about crime and democratic cities.
Speaker 6 (13:41):
Republicans have always been the party of law and order.
And what you have seen is the massive increases in
crime have been primarily at Democrat run cities.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
Yeah, it turns out while he was complaining about the
uptick in gun crimes in New York City, he himself
was fighting added scrutiny on gun stores, the two that
he owns that have been implicated in over twenty five
gun crimes since twenty twenty. Why would they do this?
There must be a reason, right, because the right always
(14:12):
tells us. There's no coincidences, right, isn't that what we're
told all the time. It's almost as though Republicans must
have a secret plan for this, funded by their billionaires,
to flood our cities with illegal, undocumented guns, pouring them
over our state borders in the hopes of killing off
reliable Democratic voters, the great displacement theory. That is obviously
(14:37):
what's happening, and no honest person would think otherwise.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
So there's only one real solution.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Unfortunately, for the borders of Florida, Georgia, and South Carolina.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
We have to what's the.
Speaker 5 (14:50):
Word that's kippings off with some big sports news. Last night,
the Boston Celtics won the NBA Championship. That's where.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
All right.
Speaker 8 (15:13):
Now they have a.
Speaker 5 (15:13):
Record number of championships eighteen, which is one more than
the Lakers and somehow twenty five more than the Clippers.
And now they're ready to celebrate with the city of Boston.
But first they're going somewhere fun.
Speaker 8 (15:26):
According to the Boston Globe, before the Celtics return to Boston,
they will first spend a few days celebrating their win Miami.
Speaker 6 (15:33):
They plan to return to Boston on Friday.
Speaker 5 (15:38):
Of course, the Celtics are going to celebrate Miami. I mean,
you gotta go to where the butts are, and Boston
doesn't have any good butts, even though they have a
ton of assholes. I mean, how do people in Boston
celebrate anything? Come on, let's party with Clan Chatta, Matt
wobber House, Ronnie.
Speaker 9 (16:01):
You know it would be so funny as if you
did that joke of the Boston accent. But let's move
on to the election. We've been talking a lot about
President Biden and Donald Trump, but the president isn't the
only elected official who can ruin your life. There are
hundreds of people all over the country who are coming
for you.
Speaker 5 (16:21):
So let's take a look at some of these promising
young stars and the special edition of Indecision twenty twenty
four going down on the ballot. Let's kick things off
in Minnesota, where Republicans have endorsed Royce White to run
against Democratic scienceor Amy Klobachaid in November, and he's already
(16:43):
turning the race into an episode of Jerry Springer.
Speaker 7 (16:46):
White has been mired in controversial revelations, including failure to
pay child supported referring to women as Mauthy and at
one time identifying himself as an anti Semite on social media.
And then there are the Quscherable campaign expenditures in twenty
twenty two when he ran for Congress, including twelve hundred
dollars at a Florida strip club.
Speaker 5 (17:08):
I'm not paying child support to Malthie women because I'm
spending it.
Speaker 7 (17:11):
At a strip club.
Speaker 5 (17:12):
I mean, talk about red flag. Bingo even calls himself
an anti semi on social media, although to be fed
to him declaring you an anti semi is how you
have to log into Twitter now that said new capture.
By the way, By the way, if you're wondering about
(17:35):
the accusation that Roy spent campaign funds at a strip club, listen,
he has a very clear explanation for this.
Speaker 11 (17:41):
It was recently revealed you spent campaign donations at a
strip club. Is that true?
Speaker 1 (17:47):
That's not true, Okay.
Speaker 4 (17:49):
It was a reference to a campaign filing in the
FBC that was not done properly.
Speaker 11 (17:55):
Your claim is there were filings which said you spent
campaign funds at a strip club, but they were in no.
Speaker 4 (18:03):
No, they didn't say that I spent the funds at
a strip club or no, Let's say they didn't say
that I spent the funds.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
On strippers, but it was spent at a strip club.
Speaker 4 (18:12):
Well, strip club, as they sell food at the strip club,
don't say.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
So.
Speaker 5 (18:21):
I'm not sure if this helps his case. Minnesota needs
a senator who makes good decisions, So vote for me,
the guy who goes to a strip club that eat
shrimp And look, I'm sorry for interrupting him. Okay, I mean,
I mean you are busy explaining how you don't know
anything about strip clubs.
Speaker 11 (18:38):
You've spent the money on food at a strip club.
Is that more accurate?
Speaker 4 (18:42):
You seem to be very unfamiliar with strippers and strip
clubs and drag strip shows, so i'll i'll inform you.
Maybe they aren't informed that they do have food at
strip clubs.
Speaker 11 (18:50):
So what you're saying is the money was.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Wait did you know that though? Did you know that
I know strip clubs?
Speaker 5 (18:55):
Have you ever been to a strip club one time?
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Did you like the food? No? To go to better
strip clads?
Speaker 5 (19:01):
Okay, Wow, this guy went really quick from not knowing
anything about strip clubs to being a strip club experts. Right,
I don't know about that place, but go to the
second floor, ask for curas. Okay, she take you to
the champagne room and behind that is the real VIP
room code two six six four. Tell them you want
the Royce White Special. To know what you need.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
So, I.
Speaker 5 (19:26):
Don't understand why this guy's trying really hot not to
violate campaign finance love, but also wants to be very
clear that he knows his way around strip clubs.
Speaker 9 (19:35):
Right, which is fine, no judgment. Just say you use
the wrong credit card. It wouldn't be the worst accidental
insertion in a strip club. This guy's got way more
problems than that.
Speaker 4 (19:48):
Look.
Speaker 9 (19:49):
And I don't want to sound maudy, but.
Speaker 6 (19:54):
Enough is enough.
Speaker 9 (19:56):
Someone needs to call this guy out for his offensive
wine hat. Unacceptable. That is for white women only. My
culture is not your costume, asshole. Let's move on to
(20:17):
her race in Missouri, where a candidate for local office
is getting the word out for the best way that
young people know how by shit posting.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Valentina Gamez, a Missouri Republican running for Secretary of State,
has triggered liberals with her campaign paining videos like this one.
Speaker 4 (20:35):
It could be.
Speaker 10 (20:35):
Anything you want, so we would be Britney Griner should
be running in a Russian prison, not going to the Olympics.
Kaitlin Clark is the only reason why we even watched
women's basketball. She deserves to go to the Olympics only
this patriotical lesbian.
Speaker 9 (20:54):
I love that she's super into women's basketball, but she's
angry that there's a lesbian.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
And a w NBA.
Speaker 9 (21:01):
Is someone gonna tell her she's not just planning to
get gays out of women's sports, she's also deeply committed
to getting them out of your library books.
Speaker 10 (21:12):
This is what I will do to the growing books
when I become Secretary of States.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
Let's go.
Speaker 7 (21:19):
Reposed library.
Speaker 6 (21:20):
When I'm not, they will burn.
Speaker 9 (21:24):
Jesus a flamethrower.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
Take it easy.
Speaker 9 (21:27):
This is a book burning, not a gender reveal party.
And what's wrong with the match was she worried that
if she got too close the books would turn her gay.
Just to remind you, she's running for Missouri Secretary of State.
Typically not a job where you choose who goes to
the Olympics or set fire to anything.
Speaker 5 (21:49):
But enough of these mean human click bait candidates. Okay,
whatever happened to people with substantive, common sense legislative ideas
like congressional candidate from Florida, James Judge.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Now but forth legislation on President Trump's first day in
office to suspend the rate of hadios corpus. This will
give President Trump the authority to arrest and imprison the
treason its officials and sub versus.
Speaker 7 (22:10):
Wow.
Speaker 5 (22:10):
Pretty casual call for the end of democracy there. I mean,
you can't demand a suspension of due process in the
same tone of voice you used to announce that someone's
toyota has the lights on in.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
The popular.
Speaker 5 (22:22):
I mean this, honestly, it kind of makes you appreciate
Trump even more because at least he's got some showmanship.
I mean, he's out there shouting on a big stage.
He's waving his hands around like an alpha chim Benzi
to get you rouled up. You know, this guy looked
like he interrupted a wedding reception. Someone's going to come
up after him, Like, Okay, thanks for that, James. If
we could keep the speeches about Brad and Mary, that
(22:44):
would be great.
Speaker 8 (22:47):
For more on these.
Speaker 9 (22:48):
Down ballot races and what they say about the state
of American democracy. We go live to Josh Johnson, why
are there so many out there candidates in this election cycle.
Speaker 8 (23:06):
Oh, I'll tell you why we made our democracy to democratic.
All right, anyone thinks they can run for office just
because the constitution says.
Speaker 5 (23:15):
So, Josh, But the constitution does say so.
Speaker 4 (23:20):
Come on, The.
Speaker 8 (23:22):
Founding father said that, but they didn't mean it. You know.
They were talking about guys named George or Tom, not everybody,
not like either of you, you know, and definitely not me.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Ooh, they'd be mad.
Speaker 5 (23:35):
Wait, Josh, so you think we should prevent people from
running for office.
Speaker 9 (23:39):
Yeah, it sounds like you're saying that we need less democracy.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
No, I'm not saying that.
Speaker 8 (23:43):
I'm saying we should bring back all the old offices
that America used to have for these people.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Like village idiot.
Speaker 8 (23:51):
If you fight a book with a flamethrower, you were
qualified for that office. Books are an idiot's natural enemy,
and idiots love fire, all right. There's plenty of old
jobs like lighthouse keeper or snake oil salesman, or the
(24:13):
guy who screams hear ye, hear ye, or the dude
at a saloon who spits in a bucket and makes
that potui sound.
Speaker 5 (24:23):
Josh, I think that's only in westerns.
Speaker 9 (24:25):
Yeah, and there's no way that you can find an
office for every one of these people.
Speaker 8 (24:29):
Watch me, Like, remember that strip club guy, Royce White.
He could be the town adulterys. You know, the person
who wears an A on their clothes. Everybody knew they
liked to Royce White is super qualified. My man is
clearly spending campaign funds at the strip club. He took
(24:49):
the most boring money in the economy and used it
for over the pants stuff.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
The point is we'll find jobs.
Speaker 8 (24:58):
For the crazy people, then the serious jobs can go
to the serious politicians.
Speaker 9 (25:03):
And how are we defining who's crazy and who's serious.
Speaker 8 (25:06):
Oh that's easy. The crazy politicians will be ranting about
space lasers, and the serious politicians will be on the
Epstein list.
Speaker 5 (25:13):
Right, Okay makes sense to me. Just jupson everyone. Explore
more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching
The Daily Show wherever.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
You get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show week nights
at eleven ten.
Speaker 10 (25:27):
Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on
Paramount
Speaker 4 (25:31):
Plus Paramount Podcasts
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
YEA, no, nice to say it. Tonight, my name is
John Stewart. We have an unbelievable show for you tonight.
Next week obviously we're gonna have the big debate show,
(00:25):
but tonight we're gonna start. We're gonna get a quick
state of play on this incredibly consequential presidential election. I
guess the election is basically boiled down to each candidate
accusing the.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Other of having soup.
Speaker 2 (00:46):
Where there should be brain. There is plenty of fodder
for the attacks. For instance, for President Biden, it is
his habit of seemingly staring at what can only be
considered ghosts or out of frame paratroopers, and then when
he's pulled back into frame somehow, giving the impression someone
(01:09):
has just quantum leaped into his body.
Speaker 1 (01:11):
How is that now?
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Don't look directly at the sun, sir, that would now?
And as for Trump, basically it's Trump tripping over his
own dick anytime he tries to capitalize on Biden's age.
Like this weekend, Trump appeared at the Herbal Life of
Political Conventions Turning Point, USA, where Trump articulated his case
(01:38):
for having best brain full neurons smart.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Joe Biden has no plan.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
He's got absolutely no plan.
Speaker 3 (01:48):
He doesn't even know what the word inflation means.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
Oh, oh, you did it, no, oh, Joe Biden. So
he thinks inflation has arived in the overall price level
for goods and services in the economy, as measured by
the Consumer Price Index over time.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Oh shit, Oh that.
Speaker 4 (02:15):
All that.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
It turns out that is what it is. I'm sorry,
I'm being told that is what inflation is. But still
you tell him, Donna t.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
The case he's making to the American public is that
he's the sharpest tool in the shed. See if you
can find the flaw in his logic just one sentence later.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
I don't think if you gave him a quiz.
Speaker 3 (02:40):
I think he should take a cognitive test like I did.
Speaker 4 (02:42):
I took a cognitive test and I aced it.
Speaker 5 (02:46):
Doc Ronnie, Doc Ronnie Johnson.
Speaker 3 (02:49):
Does everyone know Ronnie Johnson, Congressman from Texas Ronnie Johnson?
Speaker 1 (02:57):
An'thing?
Speaker 2 (02:58):
That cognitive test is a great point if only his
doctor was actually named Ronnie Johnson and not actually named
Ronnie Jackson. He got the guy's name wrong on his
cognitive test.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
I don't even know what to say.
Speaker 2 (03:25):
Well, here's the problem. The sad thing is under MAGA law.
His name is now Ronnie Johnson. This is the way.
Those aren't the only comments. Trump seems to have spit
the bid on. Just weeks before he heads to the
Republican National Convention in Milwaukee, he called Milwaukee quote a
(03:46):
horrible city, forcing liberals around the country to defend Milwaukee,
a city they then had to pretend to have. Oh,
Milwaukee's the finest city in I want to say Indiana.
(04:11):
But don't worry because Donald Trump cleared the whole thing up.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
Well, I think it was very clear what I meant.
I said, We're very concerned with crime. I love Milwaukee.
I have great friends in Milwaukee. But it's as you know,
the crime numbers are terrible and we have to be
very careful.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Yeah, lots of criminals in Milwaukee.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
Are you talking about now, sir?
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Or when you and your felonious friends come to town.
(04:58):
The script that just as John turned and makes dumb face, that's.
Speaker 1 (05:05):
What I did, made a dumb anyway.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
It's a good save by former President Trump. The city's great,
he loves Milwaukee. It's the dang Democrat encouraged crime. It's
one of the right's favorite talking points, not just from Milwaukee,
but for all democratic run cities, that those cities are
crime infested shitholes where life is miserable and everyone hates everybody.
But people who live in these cities know that this
(05:32):
rhetoric is only kind of true now, and when people
who don't live in these cities say it, it's very annoying.
By the way, it does turn out the crime is
actually down.
Speaker 6 (05:44):
The FBI reporting the nation's violent crime rate has dropped
dramatically this year.
Speaker 7 (05:49):
Overall violent crime down fifteen percent from last year, murders down.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Twenty six percent.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
By every national metric, crime is down.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
Solid trend. Crime is down. It's all a misunderstanding.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
But now that the FBI numbers are out, I'm sure
that the right wing media will adjust accordingly.
Speaker 6 (06:09):
Quality of life is not captured in any of the
FBI numbers. And if you live in a blue city,
walk outside and use your eyes.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
You should use your freaking eyes. Do you even see
over your shoulder? They were doing double donuts in a
bargain lot. That's like the certain desilet of automobiles.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
That's not crime, that's art.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Oh, but I'm sorry you were downplaying the crime statistics.
Speaker 8 (06:41):
Now they say there's no crime wave, but do you
feel safe?
Speaker 1 (06:44):
Doesn't feel that way.
Speaker 6 (06:45):
It certainly doesn't feel that way for the average American today.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
Democrats will say, well, but crime is down, it's not
how people feel.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Yeah, as the right always famously says, feelings don't care
about your facts. Isn't that the slogan on the right now,
you know, I'd say it doesn't bring up a good point.
Speaker 3 (07:06):
Though.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
If crime is down so much, why do people, especially
on the right, feel like it's up.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Oh, the crime graphic is.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
I hadn't really calculated slope in a while, but it
seems like the X axis is moving into the nodes
bleeds while the why axis is being tied down and sodomized.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
I'm sure that sure, that's just.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
A one off and not your network's entire programming.
Speaker 9 (07:45):
Another day, another stream of brazen, violent crimes.
Speaker 7 (07:48):
The havoc being wreaked upon America, undoubtedly coming to a town.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Or city near you.
Speaker 8 (07:54):
Blatant and outrageous crimes occurring on a daily basis, coast
to coast.
Speaker 6 (07:58):
You're seeing that in Chicago, and you know, all these
Democrat run cities.
Speaker 8 (08:01):
There's so much crime in the city. I can't I
can't comprehend how people live there. New York is now
this dystopian hellhole of crime and violence.
Speaker 2 (08:19):
Is now a dystopian hell. You're just figuring that out now,
you big puss.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Oh, I'm sorry. Is Times Square Elmo too scarey for you?
Speaker 2 (08:34):
Because Times Square Elmo becomes at you?
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Are you?
Speaker 2 (08:41):
Are you scared of Times Square Elmo because he punches back,
unlike all the other Elmos who let you tickle them
with no consequences. Yeah, New York's a dystopian hellhole. That
and the bagels and pizza is why we move here.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
But of course.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Course there is one particular type of crime the conservatives
seem especially scared about.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Mark, Why do I keep seeing people pushing.
Speaker 10 (09:14):
Other people onto the train tracks?
Speaker 2 (09:19):
Not that that's not a cry, that's okay, I get that.
So the pushing onto the train tracks, that's just a misunderstanding.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
Here's what's happening.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
So we do have people in the subways who are
there to try to help other passengers onto the train,
but sometimes the train isn't there yet.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
It's it's not.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
Malevolent, it's just early, but I was actually talking about
another type of crime.
Speaker 1 (09:57):
People are getting shot in the face every single day.
Speaker 2 (10:00):
Literally gets shot anywhere in the city.
Speaker 1 (10:01):
People getting shot in the subway.
Speaker 7 (10:03):
People are getting shot out on the street.
Speaker 1 (10:05):
Going for a loaf of bread, you end up getting shot. Yeah,
you get shot.
Speaker 2 (10:11):
New Yorkers haven't had a sandwich in twelve years.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
It's an egg. Palm, loosen the hands.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
First of all, I'm surprised Trump has scared of guns
at all, considering he thinks they sound like this.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
We had our beautiful marine standing there bing bing bing bing,
you know, the old days, bing bong.
Speaker 5 (10:37):
Bing bom bombo.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
I would I would pay good money to hear Trump
describe the opening scene of saving Private Ryan, big big
bing and then the.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Nazis of bang Bong bong bong.
Speaker 2 (10:55):
Nobody can get bread bang bang bong bing bing. But
the point is, if you leave your house in New York,
you will be shot dead. To all of our audience members,
I'm glad you chose to have your last moments with us. Sadly,
(11:26):
I must bid you a melancholy a big bomb.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Big bing b.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Now, all of this, by the way, is not to
say that gun crime does not exist. Of course it does,
and some cities are worse than others.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
But here's the thing, and I say this.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
With all due respect the balls of these right wing
mothers talking about how there's too much gun crime and
chaos in our democratic cities when Republicans are the ones
who've enabled the flood of illegal weaponry into our cities
(12:06):
in the first place. That's right. So don't get your
little painties in a bunch. There's something you want to know.
Ninety three percent of the illegal guns used in crimes
in New York City aren't from here. They, like theater majors,
(12:27):
have come here to make a name for themselves. The
guns come from states like Florida and Georgia and South
Carolina where the gun laws relax. And trust me, Florida's
not sending us their best guns. They're bringing guns for
drugs and crime and rapists and some I assume a.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Good guns.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
And try as we might to put up some border
controls to stem this invasion, this flood of literally undocumented weapons.
Republicans fight every attempt to bring some kind of order
and even pass laws to increase the chast.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Look at all the laws and things that they've done.
In two thousand and five, they passed the law.
Speaker 2 (13:08):
That effectively protects gun dealers and the gun manufacturers for
being held liable for where their guns end up. They
also try and make sure that terrorists and felons can
still get guns, and just recently they made sure that
they can turn those guns into machine guns with bump stocks.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
They make it.
Speaker 2 (13:23):
Impossible to study the effects of guns, They make it
impossible to track the illegal guns. They fight fucking everything.
You want to know how cynical it is. Remember this guy,
This guy, Congressman Andrew Clyde from Georgia. He loves to
go on TV and talk about crime and democratic cities.
Speaker 6 (13:41):
Republicans have always been the party of law and order.
And what you have seen is the massive increases in
crime have been primarily at Democrat run cities.
Speaker 2 (13:50):
Yeah, it turns out while he was complaining about the
uptick in gun crimes in New York City, he himself
was fighting added scrutiny on gun stores, the two that
he owns that have been implicated in over twenty five
gun crimes since twenty twenty. Why would they do this?
There must be a reason, right, because the right always
(14:12):
tells us. There's no coincidences, right, isn't that what we're
told all the time. It's almost as though Republicans must
have a secret plan for this, funded by their billionaires,
to flood our cities with illegal, undocumented guns, pouring them
over our state borders in the hopes of killing off
reliable Democratic voters, the great displacement theory. That is obviously
(14:37):
what's happening, and no honest person would think otherwise.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
So there's only one real solution.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Unfortunately, for the borders of Florida, Georgia, and South Carolina.
Speaker 1 (14:49):
We have to what's the.
Speaker 5 (14:50):
Word that's kippings off with some big sports news. Last night,
the Boston Celtics won the NBA Championship. That's where.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
All right.
Speaker 8 (15:13):
Now they have a.
Speaker 5 (15:13):
Record number of championships eighteen, which is one more than
the Lakers and somehow twenty five more than the Clippers.
And now they're ready to celebrate with the city of Boston.
But first they're going somewhere fun.
Speaker 8 (15:26):
According to the Boston Globe, before the Celtics return to Boston,
they will first spend a few days celebrating their win Miami.
Speaker 6 (15:33):
They plan to return to Boston on Friday.
Speaker 5 (15:38):
Of course, the Celtics are going to celebrate Miami. I mean,
you gotta go to where the butts are, and Boston
doesn't have any good butts, even though they have a
ton of assholes. I mean, how do people in Boston
celebrate anything? Come on, let's party with Clan Chatta, Matt
wobber House, Ronnie.
Speaker 9 (16:01):
You know it would be so funny as if you
did that joke of the Boston accent. But let's move
on to the election. We've been talking a lot about
President Biden and Donald Trump, but the president isn't the
only elected official who can ruin your life. There are
hundreds of people all over the country who are coming
for you.
Speaker 5 (16:21):
So let's take a look at some of these promising
young stars and the special edition of Indecision twenty twenty
four going down on the ballot. Let's kick things off
in Minnesota, where Republicans have endorsed Royce White to run
against Democratic scienceor Amy Klobachaid in November, and he's already
(16:43):
turning the race into an episode of Jerry Springer.
Speaker 7 (16:46):
White has been mired in controversial revelations, including failure to
pay child supported referring to women as Mauthy and at
one time identifying himself as an anti Semite on social media.
And then there are the Quscherable campaign expenditures in twenty
twenty two when he ran for Congress, including twelve hundred
dollars at a Florida strip club.
Speaker 5 (17:08):
I'm not paying child support to Malthie women because I'm
spending it.
Speaker 7 (17:11):
At a strip club.
Speaker 5 (17:12):
I mean, talk about red flag. Bingo even calls himself
an anti semi on social media, although to be fed
to him declaring you an anti semi is how you
have to log into Twitter now that said new capture.
By the way, By the way, if you're wondering about
(17:35):
the accusation that Roy spent campaign funds at a strip club, listen,
he has a very clear explanation for this.
Speaker 11 (17:41):
It was recently revealed you spent campaign donations at a
strip club. Is that true?
Speaker 1 (17:47):
That's not true, Okay.
Speaker 4 (17:49):
It was a reference to a campaign filing in the
FBC that was not done properly.
Speaker 11 (17:55):
Your claim is there were filings which said you spent
campaign funds at a strip club, but they were in no.
Speaker 4 (18:03):
No, they didn't say that I spent the funds at
a strip club or no, Let's say they didn't say
that I spent the funds.
Speaker 1 (18:08):
On strippers, but it was spent at a strip club.
Speaker 4 (18:12):
Well, strip club, as they sell food at the strip club,
don't say.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
So.
Speaker 5 (18:21):
I'm not sure if this helps his case. Minnesota needs
a senator who makes good decisions, So vote for me,
the guy who goes to a strip club that eat
shrimp And look, I'm sorry for interrupting him. Okay, I mean,
I mean you are busy explaining how you don't know
anything about strip clubs.
Speaker 11 (18:38):
You've spent the money on food at a strip club.
Is that more accurate?
Speaker 4 (18:42):
You seem to be very unfamiliar with strippers and strip
clubs and drag strip shows, so i'll i'll inform you.
Maybe they aren't informed that they do have food at
strip clubs.
Speaker 11 (18:50):
So what you're saying is the money was.
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Wait did you know that though? Did you know that
I know strip clubs?
Speaker 5 (18:55):
Have you ever been to a strip club one time?
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Did you like the food? No? To go to better
strip clads?
Speaker 5 (19:01):
Okay, Wow, this guy went really quick from not knowing
anything about strip clubs to being a strip club experts. Right,
I don't know about that place, but go to the
second floor, ask for curas. Okay, she take you to
the champagne room and behind that is the real VIP
room code two six six four. Tell them you want
the Royce White Special. To know what you need.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
So, I.
Speaker 5 (19:26):
Don't understand why this guy's trying really hot not to
violate campaign finance love, but also wants to be very
clear that he knows his way around strip clubs.
Speaker 9 (19:35):
Right, which is fine, no judgment. Just say you use
the wrong credit card. It wouldn't be the worst accidental
insertion in a strip club. This guy's got way more
problems than that.
Speaker 4 (19:48):
Look.
Speaker 9 (19:49):
And I don't want to sound maudy, but.
Speaker 6 (19:54):
Enough is enough.
Speaker 9 (19:56):
Someone needs to call this guy out for his offensive
wine hat. Unacceptable. That is for white women only. My
culture is not your costume, asshole. Let's move on to
(20:17):
her race in Missouri, where a candidate for local office
is getting the word out for the best way that
young people know how by shit posting.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Valentina Gamez, a Missouri Republican running for Secretary of State,
has triggered liberals with her campaign paining videos like this one.
Speaker 4 (20:35):
It could be.
Speaker 10 (20:35):
Anything you want, so we would be Britney Griner should
be running in a Russian prison, not going to the Olympics.
Kaitlin Clark is the only reason why we even watched
women's basketball. She deserves to go to the Olympics only
this patriotical lesbian.
Speaker 9 (20:54):
I love that she's super into women's basketball, but she's
angry that there's a lesbian.
Speaker 1 (20:59):
And a w NBA.
Speaker 9 (21:01):
Is someone gonna tell her she's not just planning to
get gays out of women's sports, she's also deeply committed
to getting them out of your library books.
Speaker 10 (21:12):
This is what I will do to the growing books
when I become Secretary of States.
Speaker 4 (21:15):
Let's go.
Speaker 7 (21:19):
Reposed library.
Speaker 6 (21:20):
When I'm not, they will burn.
Speaker 9 (21:24):
Jesus a flamethrower.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
Take it easy.
Speaker 9 (21:27):
This is a book burning, not a gender reveal party.
And what's wrong with the match was she worried that
if she got too close the books would turn her gay.
Just to remind you, she's running for Missouri Secretary of State.
Typically not a job where you choose who goes to
the Olympics or set fire to anything.
Speaker 5 (21:49):
But enough of these mean human click bait candidates. Okay,
whatever happened to people with substantive, common sense legislative ideas
like congressional candidate from Florida, James Judge.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Now but forth legislation on President Trump's first day in
office to suspend the rate of hadios corpus. This will
give President Trump the authority to arrest and imprison the
treason its officials and sub versus.
Speaker 7 (22:10):
Wow.
Speaker 5 (22:10):
Pretty casual call for the end of democracy there. I mean,
you can't demand a suspension of due process in the
same tone of voice you used to announce that someone's
toyota has the lights on in.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
The popular.
Speaker 5 (22:22):
I mean this, honestly, it kind of makes you appreciate
Trump even more because at least he's got some showmanship.
I mean, he's out there shouting on a big stage.
He's waving his hands around like an alpha chim Benzi
to get you rouled up. You know, this guy looked
like he interrupted a wedding reception. Someone's going to come
up after him, Like, Okay, thanks for that, James. If
we could keep the speeches about Brad and Mary, that
(22:44):
would be great.
Speaker 8 (22:47):
For more on these.
Speaker 9 (22:48):
Down ballot races and what they say about the state
of American democracy. We go live to Josh Johnson, why
are there so many out there candidates in this election cycle.
Speaker 8 (23:06):
Oh, I'll tell you why we made our democracy to democratic.
All right, anyone thinks they can run for office just
because the constitution says.
Speaker 5 (23:15):
So, Josh, But the constitution does say so.
Speaker 4 (23:20):
Come on, The.
Speaker 8 (23:22):
Founding father said that, but they didn't mean it. You know.
They were talking about guys named George or Tom, not everybody,
not like either of you, you know, and definitely not me.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Ooh, they'd be mad.
Speaker 5 (23:35):
Wait, Josh, so you think we should prevent people from
running for office.
Speaker 9 (23:39):
Yeah, it sounds like you're saying that we need less democracy.
Speaker 1 (23:42):
No, I'm not saying that.
Speaker 8 (23:43):
I'm saying we should bring back all the old offices
that America used to have for these people.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Like village idiot.
Speaker 8 (23:51):
If you fight a book with a flamethrower, you were
qualified for that office. Books are an idiot's natural enemy,
and idiots love fire, all right. There's plenty of old
jobs like lighthouse keeper or snake oil salesman, or the
(24:13):
guy who screams hear ye, hear ye, or the dude
at a saloon who spits in a bucket and makes
that potui sound.
Speaker 5 (24:23):
Josh, I think that's only in westerns.
Speaker 9 (24:25):
Yeah, and there's no way that you can find an
office for every one of these people.
Speaker 8 (24:29):
Watch me, Like, remember that strip club guy, Royce White.
He could be the town adulterys. You know, the person
who wears an A on their clothes. Everybody knew they
liked to Royce White is super qualified. My man is
clearly spending campaign funds at the strip club. He took
(24:49):
the most boring money in the economy and used it
for over the pants stuff.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
The point is we'll find jobs.
Speaker 8 (24:58):
For the crazy people, then the serious jobs can go
to the serious politicians.
Speaker 9 (25:03):
And how are we defining who's crazy and who's serious.
Speaker 8 (25:06):
Oh that's easy. The crazy politicians will be ranting about
space lasers, and the serious politicians will be on the
Epstein list.
Speaker 5 (25:13):
Right, Okay makes sense to me. Just jupson everyone. Explore
more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by searching
The Daily Show wherever.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
You get your podcasts. Watch The Daily Show week nights
at eleven ten.
Speaker 10 (25:27):
Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on
Paramount
Speaker 4 (25:31):
Plus Paramount Podcasts
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