August 23, 2024 • 38 mins
Jon Stewart closes out the last night of the DNC live from Chicago with a recap of the convention, including Kamala Harris's spotlight moment, Oprah's cat lady cam, and a roster of speakers as diverse and contradictory as the Democratic party itself. Jon also shows Dems what real joy looks like and tries to make sense of Fox News's convention coverage. The Best F**king News Team also share their thoughts on the party's embrace of small town values, which apparently means patriotically loving God and baking lots and lots of pies to give to neighbors. Plus, Jason Bateman narrates the story of Kamala Harris shockingly normal life. From her birth in a year that makes her a very normal age to be president now, to a classic college job at McDonald's, to her time in the senate barely getting noticed for anything, Kamala is breaking with recent presidential tradition by being totally f**king normal.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
From Chicago, a city with a history as deep as
it reads as the daily shows Indecision four Democratic National Connection.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
Podcast with your host song Storm What Welcome to my show.
Speaker 4 (00:56):
I'm a john Store And once again, ladies and gentlemen, welcome.
Speaker 5 (01:01):
A Tousia.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Lovely, lovely girl.
Speaker 6 (01:12):
We are live right now, We are live. The Democratic
Invention is wrapping up, maybe hours from here.
Speaker 7 (01:19):
We don't really know where it is. It's far from
this theater. What a night for Kamala Harris. By the way,
the anticipation was high to night, and not just for
Kamala Harris. Speculation was running wild. Today there would be
a surprise guest.
Speaker 5 (01:36):
Boy did they deliver?
Speaker 7 (01:37):
Please welcome Michigan Representative Alissa Sluckin.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
Freedom, Freedom, I am in the slot.
Speaker 7 (02:03):
You thought there was Beyonce, because everybody thought that it
was going to be Beyonce coming out there, very slopping all.
Everybody knew tonight was the final night for the DNC,
and they did it all. They spoke in support of
curbing gun violence, they spoke in support of investing in
our schools, fighting climate change and upside down drumming. They
(02:29):
a remarkable story born conjoined. They didn't let that stop
them from upside down drumming. But it was Kamala's knight
and her opportunity. She's not here either, no Beyonce, no
(03:02):
common Hey, Hey, tickets are freemom.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Kaaa knight.
Speaker 7 (03:20):
And it was Kamala Harris's opportunity to be introduced as
a presidential candidate to America.
Speaker 5 (03:26):
Growing up, we moved a lot.
Speaker 8 (03:29):
I will always remember that big Mayflower truck packed with
all our belongings.
Speaker 6 (03:34):
Ready to go to Illinois to Wisconsin.
Speaker 5 (03:42):
Just named swing states.
Speaker 6 (03:44):
Just say.
Speaker 5 (03:47):
Say that you moved to Swing States.
Speaker 6 (03:49):
That you you moved to Michigan, to Georgia, you moved
to Arizona.
Speaker 5 (03:53):
Just make it up.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
But this is great.
Speaker 7 (03:57):
We finally get to meet communist Kamla, the radical that
we have heard so much about.
Speaker 8 (04:06):
I believe everyone has a right to safety, to dignity,
and to justice. A harm against any one of us
is a harm against.
Speaker 5 (04:18):
All of us.
Speaker 6 (04:21):
Okay Stalin.
Speaker 8 (04:27):
This is one of the reasons I became a prosecutor
to protect people.
Speaker 6 (04:39):
Dasdania, Comrade.
Speaker 8 (04:44):
I stood up for women and children against predators who
abuse them.
Speaker 6 (04:51):
I fought against the.
Speaker 8 (04:53):
Cartels who traffic in guns and drugs and human beings
who threaten the secre of our border and the safety
of our communities.
Speaker 6 (05:04):
And I will tell you these fights were not easy.
Speaker 5 (05:09):
Why are you doing a thing that they told us
that you were going to do.
Speaker 7 (05:13):
With the hammer and the sickle and the bandoleros, with
the yellow shots in the wire?
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Are you doing this.
Speaker 8 (05:20):
On behalf of everyone whose story could only be written
in the greatest nation on earth? I accept your nomination
to be president of the United States of America.
Speaker 6 (06:03):
Hunt.
Speaker 7 (06:04):
By the way, how funny would it event if at
the end she was just like but seriously, though not
for me? This has all been great, But I've been
thinking it over. By the way, if I was Donald
Trump right now, I don't even know what I'd probably
just be tweeting nonsensical shit to distract from the fact
(06:27):
that she doesn't faintly resemble the caricature that's been painted.
Speaker 5 (06:30):
By the way, that is what he was doing. These
are his real tweets in all caps.
Speaker 6 (06:46):
In all caps, where's Hunter?
Speaker 7 (06:52):
I swear to God, the guy running for president on
the Republican ticket has morphed into a poor man's cat turd.
Of course, of course, an important part of Tonight was
familiarizing people with the Democratic nominee biography, a hallowed walk
through the trials and tribulations that formed the ethos and
(07:13):
spirit of the Democratic nominee. Because I'm until tonight, Eh,
they didn't have a lot been on the anecdotes quite frankly,
I mean, I know they didn't have much time, but
this is what they were.
Speaker 6 (07:26):
Running out there, Vice Priscian Harry's team and visit my restaurant.
Speaker 7 (07:42):
You know, I know you only had four weeks to
put this movie together, but come on, you gotta do better.
Speaker 5 (07:47):
Then. I was working as she walked in. I drove
her in an uber.
Speaker 7 (07:58):
Come out with the big movers and shakers, and the
Democratic Party must know her well. She worked at McDonald's,
and she greeted every person with a thousand watt smile
and said, how.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Can I help you?
Speaker 5 (08:22):
I think you have to say that.
Speaker 7 (08:28):
When you work at McDonald's, or really any point of
service occupation, how can I help you?
Speaker 5 (08:34):
Is kind of the thing.
Speaker 6 (08:36):
I don't know that the transaction can really take place
if you do not acknowledge that delicate dance.
Speaker 7 (08:46):
Of whether or not they will supercars are there less
professional more personal stories.
Speaker 5 (08:54):
My phone rings, It's Kamala Harris.
Speaker 9 (08:57):
She called me.
Speaker 5 (08:58):
My phone rang again and it was Vice President Kamala Harris.
Speaker 10 (09:03):
If you're lucky enough to be her friend, she calls
you on her birthday.
Speaker 5 (09:13):
Wait, she calls you on her birthday.
Speaker 6 (09:29):
That is very sad. On her birthday, she calls you, Hey, girl,
it's Kamala.
Speaker 5 (09:44):
Anything you have to say to me.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
That you should have said hours ago.
Speaker 5 (09:55):
By the way, this is like night three informal. We're
three days into the convention and we're like, she has
a phone.
Speaker 6 (10:04):
By the way, is literally one of the only things
we knew.
Speaker 5 (10:06):
About her before she took office.
Speaker 9 (10:09):
We did it.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
We did it to call people.
Speaker 5 (10:24):
The credit where credit is due.
Speaker 7 (10:26):
The Democrats, on short notice exploited their newfound momentum and
enthusiasm with the display of the breath and width of
this diverse, often contradictory party of Roosevelt.
Speaker 6 (10:38):
At their convention. They had union leaders and CEOs, They.
Speaker 7 (10:44):
Had Democratic Party icons and lifelong Republicans.
Speaker 6 (10:51):
They had a guy yelling screw the billionaires, followed.
Speaker 5 (10:56):
Immediately by a very happy billionaire.
Speaker 11 (11:15):
It's all okay if it's our billionaire. I don't like
I don't like billionaires, but it's all right.
Speaker 7 (11:30):
They had guys making fun of people for going to Yale,
and a bunch.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
Of people who went to Yell. They had Barack Obama.
Speaker 5 (11:46):
And Jewish Barack Obama.
Speaker 7 (11:55):
Always say that's always good for paupertics.
Speaker 5 (12:00):
You know, it really works. A Jewish guy that sounds
like a black guy.
Speaker 7 (12:08):
The Democrats had people who prosecuted sexual predators, and.
Speaker 5 (12:35):
Nick there goes that booking.
Speaker 4 (12:42):
They had Black Americans, Hispanic Americans, Asian Americans, Gay Americans,
Jewish Americans, Palestinians.
Speaker 7 (12:55):
Wow.
Speaker 5 (12:56):
Oh, to be fair, it was only four nights, eight
hours a night.
Speaker 7 (13:04):
But really it's best not to think about the consequences
of our actions over there, especially given the theme of
the week.
Speaker 5 (13:12):
I can feel the excitement in this arena. It's filled
with energy and with joy, the air of.
Speaker 3 (13:20):
Joy, joy, Joy, Joy.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
We will be joyful warriors, the president of Joy.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
Let us choose joy.
Speaker 5 (13:36):
Yes, yes, yes, Oh, it was joyful for a convention.
Speaker 7 (13:47):
I know what real joy looks like because I've watched
Oprah on her show. You thought people were happy to
see her endorse Kamala Harris. You should see what they
do when she gives them lipliner people.
Speaker 6 (14:00):
One message to Stony, that's joy.
Speaker 5 (14:17):
Pretty good.
Speaker 7 (14:21):
The Democrats are about joy and they are about excitement.
Speaker 5 (14:26):
Oh and one other thing. I was a paratrooper and
an army ranger. I flew in the Navy during the
First Gulf War, I enlisted, fought alongside my brothers with
LIMA three twenty five in Iraq. I gave the order.
Speaker 12 (14:41):
Directing our special Operations forces to fly two helicopters one
hundred and fifty miles into a Badabad at night.
Speaker 5 (14:55):
And by the time the sun rose, Osama ben Laden
was de proud to be in America.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
I try. These are the new Democrats, man.
Speaker 7 (15:15):
They lead with joy and compassion and acceptance and oh yeah,
we will.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
Listen.
Speaker 5 (15:32):
Listen to man, whatever you're feeling, go with it.
Speaker 7 (15:39):
Whether that feeling is joy or perhaps relief at having
a chance when you had none is exhilarating.
Speaker 6 (15:48):
And the Democrats were hitting all the right notes. The
cameraman not so much.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
When a house is on fire, we don't ask about
the homeowner's race or religion. No, we just try to
do the best we can to save them.
Speaker 8 (16:05):
And if the pace place happens to belong to a
childless cat lady.
Speaker 7 (16:42):
I love that the camera just stayed honor. She literally
turned around, like are these mony? Is this hold?
Speaker 6 (16:52):
Goodness?
Speaker 7 (16:59):
Here's the party after this cutaway, the woman was interviewed.
She is childless and has two cats, and you know
what that means.
Speaker 5 (17:16):
A Sea Span don't play. Sea Span does the research, but.
Speaker 7 (17:23):
Ultimately, look, Democrats have already drank the kool aid. It's
very difficult when you're inside that convention environment to know
if this has been a successful endeavor.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Perhaps the best.
Speaker 7 (17:32):
Way to see how well it actually went is through
the eyes of a more objective observer, a fair and
balanced organization that will give you a more clear eyed perspective.
How did Fox News experience this convention at the beginning.
Speaker 5 (17:50):
I've got to be honest, I'm.
Speaker 6 (17:52):
Not sure they cared for it. There's not much joy
in this convention hall.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
There were empty seats here as late as when and
Joe Biden are speaking.
Speaker 5 (18:01):
The vibes are off. No one's talking to each other.
Speaker 13 (18:04):
This is probably the most boring scene I've ever seen
in my inside ooh.
Speaker 5 (18:10):
So boring.
Speaker 7 (18:11):
I forgot what a dad devil like you, and I
forgot your life is a never ending joy ride of
talking to brit Hume in between catheter ads on Fox.
Speaker 6 (18:23):
Ooh.
Speaker 3 (18:26):
H Murmer, what what what?
Speaker 6 (18:31):
But unfortunately for Jesse canevel over here the next night,
even Fox had to acknowledge fire EMOTEI fire EMOTEI fire emogy.
People are having a great time down here.
Speaker 13 (18:45):
Stevie Wonder just performs, and there's more electricity in this room.
Speaker 7 (18:52):
Good vibes, and you'll never guess what they had a
problem on this night as well.
Speaker 8 (18:59):
No one's talking about the actual issues that matter.
Speaker 6 (19:01):
All about fuzzy puppies and little kittens.
Speaker 5 (19:04):
All the joy, all the vibe, all the emotion is
nothing but empty calories. They burn fast and make you fat.
The good vibes aren't gonna You can't eat good.
Speaker 6 (19:14):
Vibes, right, Oh, so which is it?
Speaker 5 (19:16):
Do the vibes fatten you up? Or are they emotional ozembic?
Speaker 1 (19:20):
Which one?
Speaker 5 (19:24):
But I guess you're right. You can't feed your family
on vibes.
Speaker 7 (19:26):
You can only feed your family on immigration, fear monger,
you can't eat good vibes. I think you might be
confusing vibes with the tomato infused superjacent fondue, the weapon
of mass lactation that this city called.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
I'll tell you that much.
Speaker 5 (20:09):
Hey, hey, I want to order a pizza? Oh yeah,
you want a personal or backyard pool side?
Speaker 6 (20:14):
Fuck?
Speaker 8 (20:14):
Let me tell you.
Speaker 5 (20:21):
All right, I will tell you this. The Barpies are good.
Speaker 6 (20:24):
All right.
Speaker 5 (20:27):
I am winded.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
The point is this.
Speaker 7 (20:33):
By the third night of the convention, even at Fox News,
the Walls came tumbling it down.
Speaker 10 (20:41):
Tim Walls, I said earlier tonight he had to do
fine and that would be enough.
Speaker 14 (20:45):
He did grapes for him, for their proud and I
even followed the football metaphors.
Speaker 5 (20:51):
He'll be a great wing man for Kamala Harris.
Speaker 7 (21:00):
Yes, Fox News now knows the experience of being a
Mets fan watching the Yankees always win the World Series. Yeah,
Derek Jeter.
Speaker 5 (21:14):
Very downant.
Speaker 6 (21:17):
Most of Fox News was admitting defeat, except for young Jessie.
Speaker 7 (21:20):
Waters, who bravely continued the pretense that the convention was
going badly, even when the footage right next to.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
His fucking head disagree.
Speaker 13 (21:31):
Last night wasn't as jubulant as the media tells you.
Seats were empty. It looked like there was a formal
dress code. The lines that get in the stadium were
long and silent. The only joy in the building was
Joy Reid, who nobody even recognizes. You see these liberal
media anchors walking around and no one even stops them
for selfies, actually feel bad for them. Last night felt
(21:55):
at the funeral end.
Speaker 14 (21:57):
It was.
Speaker 7 (22:08):
Yeah, yeah, last night felt like a funeral. And we
all know funerals always have a DJ. Goodbye, dearest grandfather.
Speaker 5 (22:20):
I mean you, Chaun.
Speaker 6 (22:23):
When we come back, we check in with our correspondent,
stick around.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Everybody at the show.
Speaker 7 (22:58):
All week long, the best team has been on the
convention floor. We're gonna check in one last time before
we leave Chicago to get their final takeaways from the week.
Let's start with Jordan Clupper.
Speaker 5 (23:09):
Jordan, talk about Jordan. Any moments, any moments in the
convention that really resonated with you.
Speaker 9 (23:19):
Well, John, I have to say the moment that resonated
with me the most was Tim Wall's speech about small
town America.
Speaker 15 (23:27):
Now, I grew up in Butte, Nebraska, a town of
four hundred people. Growing up in a small town like that,
you'll learn how to take care of each other.
Speaker 5 (23:40):
That family down the road. They may not think like
you do, they may not pray like you do.
Speaker 15 (23:48):
They may not love like you do, but they're your
neighbors and you look out for them and they look
out for you.
Speaker 5 (23:58):
Yeah, yeah, yes, Hedan, Yeah, wow nice?
Speaker 14 (24:03):
You know that?
Speaker 5 (24:04):
That really got me.
Speaker 9 (24:05):
I'm from a small town myself, only three hundred people,
but we shared common values, faith, friendship, baking pies for
our neighbors, ten twenty, sometimes thirty pies a day per neighbor,
and then everyone came out to support our high school
football team. We were small and scrappy, but with our
beloved coach and small town values, we led our team
(24:27):
to victory and super Bowl forty one.
Speaker 5 (24:33):
That's quite a story, Jordan. That's uh John? If I may, oh, yes,
what about you?
Speaker 1 (24:45):
How well?
Speaker 8 (24:46):
John?
Speaker 10 (24:46):
I agree with Super Bowl champion Jordan Klepper because I
too came from a very very small town full of
God loving patriots who patriotically loved our God.
Speaker 6 (25:00):
Small like like Jordan's. How many people were where you
grow up? Four? Yeah, and we took care of each other. John.
Speaker 10 (25:07):
If one of us needed salt, someone would pass them.
Speaker 6 (25:11):
That salt.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
Down.
Speaker 6 (25:17):
Your town had four people and need to carry each
other by seasoning each other?
Speaker 5 (25:21):
Does he?
Speaker 6 (25:21):
How many stoplights are in this town?
Speaker 12 (25:24):
No?
Speaker 10 (25:24):
Stoplight, just a dishwasher and a sink.
Speaker 6 (25:28):
I think you're just describing a house a townhouse, Oh,
a town.
Speaker 5 (25:35):
I get that, that makes sense. That's all right, She's right, John,
I'm sorry, Josh Johnson. Yes, let's go with that.
Speaker 16 (25:51):
I'm just gonna I'm just gonna take a wild step.
You are from a small town, that's right, John, very small, tiny.
I could fit it in my pocket. And what I
loved about my perfect small town was a sense of community.
I used to walk down the street and total strangers
in pickup trucks would make sure I was from around
(26:12):
these parts.
Speaker 7 (26:22):
Gosh, I have to say that actually sounds like a
dark undercurrent of racism ran through your small town.
Speaker 6 (26:31):
What No, No, they were friendly.
Speaker 14 (26:33):
They looked after me by telling me you better be
inside by dark or else.
Speaker 7 (26:40):
All right, Michael Kassa, Michael, I'm just gonna go way
out on the rod here.
Speaker 6 (26:50):
I assume you too were raised with small town, real
American values.
Speaker 5 (26:54):
I sure was, John, and the Democrats really nailed it.
Speaker 17 (26:58):
I watched the convention from Hotel, and to me, they
highlighted the best of what makes small towns so great.
Coaches who love their kids, slogans like clear Eyes, full Hearts,
can't lose smoke, shows like Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton
in a weird subplot where.
Speaker 5 (27:15):
Landry killed a guy. Yeah, so.
Speaker 6 (27:19):
Just very quickly, Michael, you were not watching the convention.
Speaker 5 (27:24):
That is a show called Friday Night Lights. Well, whatever
it was, I'm excited to vote for Coach Tailor.
Speaker 14 (27:31):
Oh oh my god, hey, ro Bro, can we please
shut up? Let's Ronnie John. I'm sick of this.
Speaker 6 (27:49):
Okay.
Speaker 14 (27:50):
The Democrats need to stop adopting this Republican fiction that American.
Speaker 5 (27:55):
Values only exist in small towns.
Speaker 6 (27:58):
Ronnie, thank you, thank you. I people in cities also
have good values.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
No, we don't.
Speaker 14 (28:08):
We're all gauntless heathens with no values and bed bugs, okay,
and we like it that way. We don't bake each
other pies. I don't take food from a stranger like
a psychopath. And I have never talked to my neighbors ever.
I just scream at them through my wall to keep
it down without having sex.
Speaker 6 (28:29):
I never even met them. For what I can hear,
their names are oh God and Hodder.
Speaker 14 (28:34):
But we have to remember that we are all Americans,
whether you're from a city or small town, whether your
name is Smith or Chang or oh.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
God, Hotter Hotter moo.
Speaker 5 (28:48):
No, I think I kind of, I think I got it.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
No, no, I'm not done.
Speaker 5 (28:52):
I'm not kind horn Hotter.
Speaker 14 (28:54):
No.
Speaker 3 (28:54):
Yeah, we can't.
Speaker 5 (28:56):
Same everybody and we come up.
Speaker 6 (28:59):
I don't you know what you blah b.
Speaker 3 (29:27):
Com add a Mamara show.
Speaker 5 (29:30):
Obviously, this week's convention is really.
Speaker 7 (29:34):
All about introducing Kamala Harris to America, and as part
of that introduction, the Democrats produced a special film to
make the case for a Harris presidency.
Speaker 6 (29:44):
Now, luckily for us, we stole it and we are
going to show it to you.
Speaker 5 (29:53):
America is a land of people, people who are normal,
and America used to have president idens who were normal.
Sometimes they would build them for not sing, but they
could always finish their sentences and not start civil wars.
But after eight years of this, in this ah love
(30:19):
his doctor and just generally feeling like we're trapped in
a sidistic circus in the eighth circle.
Speaker 6 (30:24):
Of hellth.
Speaker 5 (30:28):
It is time for America to return to normal. It's
time for Kamala Harris. Just nor Henerator by Jess A
normal Kamala Harris checks all the boxes for what Americans
are looking for in a normal president. I'm Kamala Harrison.
I'm wonderful president of the United States. We are a
(30:51):
nation that was founded on noble ideas. But where did
this unicorn of the candidate come from? Kamala Harris was
born in nineteen sixty four in Oakland, California, a year
that puts her squarely in the normal age range of
American presidents. She was the daughter of two academics who
met at school a way that normal people meet their spouse,
(31:13):
as opposed to a party with sex ring billionaires. Her
mother was from India, her father was from Jamaica, and
that makes her both black and South Asian. Normal people
understand this. I don't know is she Indian or is
she black? Again? Normal people understand this. Kamala's parents wanted
the best education for you, but because they weren't absolutely
(31:34):
loaded in a way that would make them believe they
could live outside the laws of man and nature, young
Kamala had to be bussed to a desegregated school an
hour away. It was an experience that always stayed with her,
but not in a way that made her thirsty for
revenge or obsessed with leaving a legacy that would outlast
the universe. Just a normal I'll put that into my
(31:54):
autobiography kind of way. Kamala was admitted to Howard University,
where she made lifelong friends like any other well adjusted person,
you can feel comfortable trusting with nuclear codes, and she
made ends meet working at McDonald's, a typical job held
by millions of people. And just to be clear, she
was working the register, not starring in bizarre fever dreams
(32:16):
with Grimace and stealing jobs from hardworking professional actors who
honestly could have used the gig at the time. After college,
Kamala went on the normal trajectory for President Law School,
San Francisco, District Attorney Attorney General of California. Yes, early
on she had a boyfriend help her get a job
on the state Unemployment Insurance Appeals Board. But that's a
(32:37):
very normal type of cronyism. And besides, it was an
unemployment insurance appeals board. Do not act like you wanted
that job, rob Kamala wrote her success to the US Senate,
where her time was mostly unmemorable, which is normal. Do
you know what kind of freak you have to be
to be a memorable senator. Yeah, now, Kamala just did
(33:04):
her job, including a famous grilling of Judge Brett Kavanaugh.
Speaker 8 (33:08):
Can you think of any laws that give the government
the power to make decisions about.
Speaker 5 (33:13):
The male body? I'm not a thinking of any right now.
Speaker 14 (33:18):
It was a.
Speaker 5 (33:19):
Brilliant performance that didn't stop Brett Kavanaugh from overturning Roe v. Wade,
but a politician offering stirring rhetoric with disappointing results. Very normal, guys.
After a respectable two years, Kamala decided to take the
next step.
Speaker 8 (33:36):
I stand before you today to announce my candidacy for
president of the United States.
Speaker 5 (33:44):
Yes, a run for president in twenty twenty, a decision
so normal that it was done by over seventy percent
of the Democratic Party. But despite showing voters her personal
side by listening and reacting to music like a regular
human as opposed to freezing in placer yanking off a
pair of dicks and stuff, Kamala didn't resonate with voters,
and she dropped out before voting even began.
Speaker 8 (34:06):
I'm not a billionaire, I can't fund my campaign.
Speaker 5 (34:09):
It was a move that exhibited her remarkable skill to
view reality and react rationally. Wouldn't that be great reacting
rationally to an electoral defeat, wouldn't it. But before she quit,
Kamala did have one great moment.
Speaker 8 (34:26):
You know, there was a little girl in California and
she was bussed to school every.
Speaker 6 (34:30):
Day, and that little girl was me.
Speaker 5 (34:33):
It was a takedown of Biden's support of school segregation,
so brutal that he reintegrated the White House and made
her vice president. They did go, Kamala Harris between the
first black price president, the first Asian vice president, and
the first female vice president. And yes, maybe that isn't
normal for America, but did you know that in the
(34:55):
other parts of the world women are allowed to be
leaders like all the time. So that's not on her.
What are Kamala's actual policies? Just the vague ones you'd
expect from a normal Democrat trying to get elected.
Speaker 8 (35:09):
Our fight is a fight for the future, and it
is a fight for freedom.
Speaker 5 (35:14):
Yeah, great, sounds good, But at least they're going to
be normal policies. You won't have to learn about Project
twenty twenty five for great replacement theory, or weather a
president concerned about his turn will in prison. What the
hell are we doing here, gang, I've been in episodes
of Always Park less stressful than this. Of course, like
any person, Kamala has her personality quirks, and her time
(35:35):
as Vice president brought them all front and center. I
love Vin diagrams.
Speaker 6 (35:40):
Do you know the three circles?
Speaker 5 (35:41):
Who doesn't love a yellow school?
Speaker 8 (35:44):
Do you think you just fell out of a coconut tree?
Speaker 5 (35:47):
The coconut king super kooky?
Speaker 2 (35:50):
Right?
Speaker 5 (35:50):
So what America has presidents with fun and energy all
the time? What about Aid? You wore the big hats,
FDR stamps, Reagan jellybeans, pounded fistfuls of them, and they
were all presidents who didn't cause Americans to ship themselves
every five minutes. And that is the promise of a
(36:11):
Kamala Harris presidency. A president who will not fall in
love with the North Korean dictator or have a family
member whose dick picks end up on a congressional hearing.
A president who won't clear up their COVID with horsty
wormer and a spritz of clorox, and one that can
stay up past eight A president who will eventually leave office.
A president who won't have to flee to a non
(36:33):
extradition country if she loses. In other words, Kamala Harris
will be a normal president, just a normal president.
Speaker 3 (36:49):
Wrong?
Speaker 6 (37:08):
What at all? Oh?
Speaker 3 (37:12):
How does our shouncle tonight?
Speaker 8 (37:15):
I do?
Speaker 5 (37:16):
Before we go?
Speaker 14 (37:17):
I just want to think?
Speaker 6 (37:20):
What do I want to take it?
Speaker 7 (37:24):
I just I want to thank the anthe name Theater
here in Chicago, the hospitality that the theater has shown
us throughout the week, and the hospitality from the city
of Chicago.
Speaker 5 (37:33):
And all the great people have.
Speaker 1 (37:37):
Fantastic.
Speaker 5 (37:39):
What a lovely time we had, What a lovely experience.
Speaker 7 (37:41):
But most of all, I want to thank the staff,
the crew and the cast of The Daily Show, the
production team here that brought everything out from New York
City and gave us an absolutely flawless week of production
and best staff and crew in the business. Couldn't be
(38:02):
happier with how they pulled this thing off.
Speaker 5 (38:06):
And thank you guys for watching.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 5 (38:15):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
Ten Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime
on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 6 (38:28):
Paramount Podcasts
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
From Chicago, a city with a history as deep as
it reads as the daily shows Indecision four Democratic National Connection.
Speaker 3 (00:17):
Podcast with your host song Storm What Welcome to my show.
Speaker 4 (00:56):
I'm a john Store And once again, ladies and gentlemen, welcome.
Speaker 5 (01:01):
A Tousia.
Speaker 1 (01:10):
Lovely, lovely girl.
Speaker 6 (01:12):
We are live right now, We are live. The Democratic
Invention is wrapping up, maybe hours from here.
Speaker 7 (01:19):
We don't really know where it is. It's far from
this theater. What a night for Kamala Harris. By the way,
the anticipation was high to night, and not just for
Kamala Harris. Speculation was running wild. Today there would be
a surprise guest.
Speaker 5 (01:36):
Boy did they deliver?
Speaker 7 (01:37):
Please welcome Michigan Representative Alissa Sluckin.
Speaker 3 (01:52):
Freedom, Freedom, I am in the slot.
Speaker 7 (02:03):
You thought there was Beyonce, because everybody thought that it
was going to be Beyonce coming out there, very slopping all.
Everybody knew tonight was the final night for the DNC,
and they did it all. They spoke in support of
curbing gun violence, they spoke in support of investing in
our schools, fighting climate change and upside down drumming. They
(02:29):
a remarkable story born conjoined. They didn't let that stop
them from upside down drumming. But it was Kamala's knight
and her opportunity. She's not here either, no Beyonce, no
(03:02):
common Hey, Hey, tickets are freemom.
Speaker 3 (03:19):
Kaaa knight.
Speaker 7 (03:20):
And it was Kamala Harris's opportunity to be introduced as
a presidential candidate to America.
Speaker 5 (03:26):
Growing up, we moved a lot.
Speaker 8 (03:29):
I will always remember that big Mayflower truck packed with
all our belongings.
Speaker 6 (03:34):
Ready to go to Illinois to Wisconsin.
Speaker 5 (03:42):
Just named swing states.
Speaker 6 (03:44):
Just say.
Speaker 5 (03:47):
Say that you moved to Swing States.
Speaker 6 (03:49):
That you you moved to Michigan, to Georgia, you moved
to Arizona.
Speaker 5 (03:53):
Just make it up.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
But this is great.
Speaker 7 (03:57):
We finally get to meet communist Kamla, the radical that
we have heard so much about.
Speaker 8 (04:06):
I believe everyone has a right to safety, to dignity,
and to justice. A harm against any one of us
is a harm against.
Speaker 5 (04:18):
All of us.
Speaker 6 (04:21):
Okay Stalin.
Speaker 8 (04:27):
This is one of the reasons I became a prosecutor
to protect people.
Speaker 6 (04:39):
Dasdania, Comrade.
Speaker 8 (04:44):
I stood up for women and children against predators who
abuse them.
Speaker 6 (04:51):
I fought against the.
Speaker 8 (04:53):
Cartels who traffic in guns and drugs and human beings
who threaten the secre of our border and the safety
of our communities.
Speaker 6 (05:04):
And I will tell you these fights were not easy.
Speaker 5 (05:09):
Why are you doing a thing that they told us
that you were going to do.
Speaker 7 (05:13):
With the hammer and the sickle and the bandoleros, with
the yellow shots in the wire?
Speaker 3 (05:17):
Are you doing this.
Speaker 8 (05:20):
On behalf of everyone whose story could only be written
in the greatest nation on earth? I accept your nomination
to be president of the United States of America.
Speaker 6 (06:03):
Hunt.
Speaker 7 (06:04):
By the way, how funny would it event if at
the end she was just like but seriously, though not
for me? This has all been great, But I've been
thinking it over. By the way, if I was Donald
Trump right now, I don't even know what I'd probably
just be tweeting nonsensical shit to distract from the fact
(06:27):
that she doesn't faintly resemble the caricature that's been painted.
Speaker 5 (06:30):
By the way, that is what he was doing. These
are his real tweets in all caps.
Speaker 6 (06:46):
In all caps, where's Hunter?
Speaker 7 (06:52):
I swear to God, the guy running for president on
the Republican ticket has morphed into a poor man's cat turd.
Of course, of course, an important part of Tonight was
familiarizing people with the Democratic nominee biography, a hallowed walk
through the trials and tribulations that formed the ethos and
(07:13):
spirit of the Democratic nominee. Because I'm until tonight, Eh,
they didn't have a lot been on the anecdotes quite frankly,
I mean, I know they didn't have much time, but
this is what they were.
Speaker 6 (07:26):
Running out there, Vice Priscian Harry's team and visit my restaurant.
Speaker 7 (07:42):
You know, I know you only had four weeks to
put this movie together, but come on, you gotta do better.
Speaker 5 (07:47):
Then. I was working as she walked in. I drove
her in an uber.
Speaker 7 (07:58):
Come out with the big movers and shakers, and the
Democratic Party must know her well. She worked at McDonald's,
and she greeted every person with a thousand watt smile
and said, how.
Speaker 1 (08:10):
Can I help you?
Speaker 5 (08:22):
I think you have to say that.
Speaker 7 (08:28):
When you work at McDonald's, or really any point of
service occupation, how can I help you?
Speaker 5 (08:34):
Is kind of the thing.
Speaker 6 (08:36):
I don't know that the transaction can really take place
if you do not acknowledge that delicate dance.
Speaker 7 (08:46):
Of whether or not they will supercars are there less
professional more personal stories.
Speaker 5 (08:54):
My phone rings, It's Kamala Harris.
Speaker 9 (08:57):
She called me.
Speaker 5 (08:58):
My phone rang again and it was Vice President Kamala Harris.
Speaker 10 (09:03):
If you're lucky enough to be her friend, she calls
you on her birthday.
Speaker 5 (09:13):
Wait, she calls you on her birthday.
Speaker 6 (09:29):
That is very sad. On her birthday, she calls you, Hey, girl,
it's Kamala.
Speaker 5 (09:44):
Anything you have to say to me.
Speaker 3 (09:48):
That you should have said hours ago.
Speaker 5 (09:55):
By the way, this is like night three informal. We're
three days into the convention and we're like, she has
a phone.
Speaker 6 (10:04):
By the way, is literally one of the only things
we knew.
Speaker 5 (10:06):
About her before she took office.
Speaker 9 (10:09):
We did it.
Speaker 1 (10:10):
We did it to call people.
Speaker 5 (10:24):
The credit where credit is due.
Speaker 7 (10:26):
The Democrats, on short notice exploited their newfound momentum and
enthusiasm with the display of the breath and width of
this diverse, often contradictory party of Roosevelt.
Speaker 6 (10:38):
At their convention. They had union leaders and CEOs, They.
Speaker 7 (10:44):
Had Democratic Party icons and lifelong Republicans.
Speaker 6 (10:51):
They had a guy yelling screw the billionaires, followed.
Speaker 5 (10:56):
Immediately by a very happy billionaire.
Speaker 11 (11:15):
It's all okay if it's our billionaire. I don't like
I don't like billionaires, but it's all right.
Speaker 7 (11:30):
They had guys making fun of people for going to Yale,
and a bunch.
Speaker 3 (11:34):
Of people who went to Yell. They had Barack Obama.
Speaker 5 (11:46):
And Jewish Barack Obama.
Speaker 7 (11:55):
Always say that's always good for paupertics.
Speaker 5 (12:00):
You know, it really works. A Jewish guy that sounds
like a black guy.
Speaker 7 (12:08):
The Democrats had people who prosecuted sexual predators, and.
Speaker 5 (12:35):
Nick there goes that booking.
Speaker 4 (12:42):
They had Black Americans, Hispanic Americans, Asian Americans, Gay Americans,
Jewish Americans, Palestinians.
Speaker 7 (12:55):
Wow.
Speaker 5 (12:56):
Oh, to be fair, it was only four nights, eight
hours a night.
Speaker 7 (13:04):
But really it's best not to think about the consequences
of our actions over there, especially given the theme of
the week.
Speaker 5 (13:12):
I can feel the excitement in this arena. It's filled
with energy and with joy, the air of.
Speaker 3 (13:20):
Joy, joy, Joy, Joy.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
We will be joyful warriors, the president of Joy.
Speaker 3 (13:28):
Let us choose joy.
Speaker 5 (13:36):
Yes, yes, yes, Oh, it was joyful for a convention.
Speaker 7 (13:47):
I know what real joy looks like because I've watched
Oprah on her show. You thought people were happy to
see her endorse Kamala Harris. You should see what they
do when she gives them lipliner people.
Speaker 6 (14:00):
One message to Stony, that's joy.
Speaker 5 (14:17):
Pretty good.
Speaker 7 (14:21):
The Democrats are about joy and they are about excitement.
Speaker 5 (14:26):
Oh and one other thing. I was a paratrooper and
an army ranger. I flew in the Navy during the
First Gulf War, I enlisted, fought alongside my brothers with
LIMA three twenty five in Iraq. I gave the order.
Speaker 12 (14:41):
Directing our special Operations forces to fly two helicopters one
hundred and fifty miles into a Badabad at night.
Speaker 5 (14:55):
And by the time the sun rose, Osama ben Laden
was de proud to be in America.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
I try. These are the new Democrats, man.
Speaker 7 (15:15):
They lead with joy and compassion and acceptance and oh yeah,
we will.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
Listen.
Speaker 5 (15:32):
Listen to man, whatever you're feeling, go with it.
Speaker 7 (15:39):
Whether that feeling is joy or perhaps relief at having
a chance when you had none is exhilarating.
Speaker 6 (15:48):
And the Democrats were hitting all the right notes. The
cameraman not so much.
Speaker 3 (15:56):
When a house is on fire, we don't ask about
the homeowner's race or religion. No, we just try to
do the best we can to save them.
Speaker 8 (16:05):
And if the pace place happens to belong to a
childless cat lady.
Speaker 7 (16:42):
I love that the camera just stayed honor. She literally
turned around, like are these mony? Is this hold?
Speaker 6 (16:52):
Goodness?
Speaker 7 (16:59):
Here's the party after this cutaway, the woman was interviewed.
She is childless and has two cats, and you know
what that means.
Speaker 5 (17:16):
A Sea Span don't play. Sea Span does the research, but.
Speaker 7 (17:23):
Ultimately, look, Democrats have already drank the kool aid. It's
very difficult when you're inside that convention environment to know
if this has been a successful endeavor.
Speaker 1 (17:31):
Perhaps the best.
Speaker 7 (17:32):
Way to see how well it actually went is through
the eyes of a more objective observer, a fair and
balanced organization that will give you a more clear eyed perspective.
How did Fox News experience this convention at the beginning.
Speaker 5 (17:50):
I've got to be honest, I'm.
Speaker 6 (17:52):
Not sure they cared for it. There's not much joy
in this convention hall.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
There were empty seats here as late as when and
Joe Biden are speaking.
Speaker 5 (18:01):
The vibes are off. No one's talking to each other.
Speaker 13 (18:04):
This is probably the most boring scene I've ever seen
in my inside ooh.
Speaker 5 (18:10):
So boring.
Speaker 7 (18:11):
I forgot what a dad devil like you, and I
forgot your life is a never ending joy ride of
talking to brit Hume in between catheter ads on Fox.
Speaker 6 (18:23):
Ooh.
Speaker 3 (18:26):
H Murmer, what what what?
Speaker 6 (18:31):
But unfortunately for Jesse canevel over here the next night,
even Fox had to acknowledge fire EMOTEI fire EMOTEI fire emogy.
People are having a great time down here.
Speaker 13 (18:45):
Stevie Wonder just performs, and there's more electricity in this room.
Speaker 7 (18:52):
Good vibes, and you'll never guess what they had a
problem on this night as well.
Speaker 8 (18:59):
No one's talking about the actual issues that matter.
Speaker 6 (19:01):
All about fuzzy puppies and little kittens.
Speaker 5 (19:04):
All the joy, all the vibe, all the emotion is
nothing but empty calories. They burn fast and make you fat.
The good vibes aren't gonna You can't eat good.
Speaker 6 (19:14):
Vibes, right, Oh, so which is it?
Speaker 5 (19:16):
Do the vibes fatten you up? Or are they emotional ozembic?
Speaker 1 (19:20):
Which one?
Speaker 5 (19:24):
But I guess you're right. You can't feed your family
on vibes.
Speaker 7 (19:26):
You can only feed your family on immigration, fear monger,
you can't eat good vibes. I think you might be
confusing vibes with the tomato infused superjacent fondue, the weapon
of mass lactation that this city called.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
I'll tell you that much.
Speaker 5 (20:09):
Hey, hey, I want to order a pizza? Oh yeah,
you want a personal or backyard pool side?
Speaker 6 (20:14):
Fuck?
Speaker 8 (20:14):
Let me tell you.
Speaker 5 (20:21):
All right, I will tell you this. The Barpies are good.
Speaker 6 (20:24):
All right.
Speaker 5 (20:27):
I am winded.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
The point is this.
Speaker 7 (20:33):
By the third night of the convention, even at Fox News,
the Walls came tumbling it down.
Speaker 10 (20:41):
Tim Walls, I said earlier tonight he had to do
fine and that would be enough.
Speaker 14 (20:45):
He did grapes for him, for their proud and I
even followed the football metaphors.
Speaker 5 (20:51):
He'll be a great wing man for Kamala Harris.
Speaker 7 (21:00):
Yes, Fox News now knows the experience of being a
Mets fan watching the Yankees always win the World Series. Yeah,
Derek Jeter.
Speaker 5 (21:14):
Very downant.
Speaker 6 (21:17):
Most of Fox News was admitting defeat, except for young Jessie.
Speaker 7 (21:20):
Waters, who bravely continued the pretense that the convention was
going badly, even when the footage right next to.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
His fucking head disagree.
Speaker 13 (21:31):
Last night wasn't as jubulant as the media tells you.
Seats were empty. It looked like there was a formal
dress code. The lines that get in the stadium were
long and silent. The only joy in the building was
Joy Reid, who nobody even recognizes. You see these liberal
media anchors walking around and no one even stops them
for selfies, actually feel bad for them. Last night felt
(21:55):
at the funeral end.
Speaker 14 (21:57):
It was.
Speaker 7 (22:08):
Yeah, yeah, last night felt like a funeral. And we
all know funerals always have a DJ. Goodbye, dearest grandfather.
Speaker 5 (22:20):
I mean you, Chaun.
Speaker 6 (22:23):
When we come back, we check in with our correspondent,
stick around.
Speaker 1 (22:26):
Everybody at the show.
Speaker 7 (22:58):
All week long, the best team has been on the
convention floor. We're gonna check in one last time before
we leave Chicago to get their final takeaways from the week.
Let's start with Jordan Clupper.
Speaker 5 (23:09):
Jordan, talk about Jordan. Any moments, any moments in the
convention that really resonated with you.
Speaker 9 (23:19):
Well, John, I have to say the moment that resonated
with me the most was Tim Wall's speech about small
town America.
Speaker 15 (23:27):
Now, I grew up in Butte, Nebraska, a town of
four hundred people. Growing up in a small town like that,
you'll learn how to take care of each other.
Speaker 5 (23:40):
That family down the road. They may not think like
you do, they may not pray like you do.
Speaker 15 (23:48):
They may not love like you do, but they're your
neighbors and you look out for them and they look
out for you.
Speaker 5 (23:58):
Yeah, yeah, yes, Hedan, Yeah, wow nice?
Speaker 14 (24:03):
You know that?
Speaker 5 (24:04):
That really got me.
Speaker 9 (24:05):
I'm from a small town myself, only three hundred people,
but we shared common values, faith, friendship, baking pies for
our neighbors, ten twenty, sometimes thirty pies a day per neighbor,
and then everyone came out to support our high school
football team. We were small and scrappy, but with our
beloved coach and small town values, we led our team
(24:27):
to victory and super Bowl forty one.
Speaker 5 (24:33):
That's quite a story, Jordan. That's uh John? If I may, oh, yes,
what about you?
Speaker 1 (24:45):
How well?
Speaker 8 (24:46):
John?
Speaker 10 (24:46):
I agree with Super Bowl champion Jordan Klepper because I
too came from a very very small town full of
God loving patriots who patriotically loved our God.
Speaker 6 (25:00):
Small like like Jordan's. How many people were where you
grow up? Four? Yeah, and we took care of each other. John.
Speaker 10 (25:07):
If one of us needed salt, someone would pass them.
Speaker 6 (25:11):
That salt.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
Down.
Speaker 6 (25:17):
Your town had four people and need to carry each
other by seasoning each other?
Speaker 5 (25:21):
Does he?
Speaker 6 (25:21):
How many stoplights are in this town?
Speaker 12 (25:24):
No?
Speaker 10 (25:24):
Stoplight, just a dishwasher and a sink.
Speaker 6 (25:28):
I think you're just describing a house a townhouse, Oh,
a town.
Speaker 5 (25:35):
I get that, that makes sense. That's all right, She's right, John,
I'm sorry, Josh Johnson. Yes, let's go with that.
Speaker 16 (25:51):
I'm just gonna I'm just gonna take a wild step.
You are from a small town, that's right, John, very small, tiny.
I could fit it in my pocket. And what I
loved about my perfect small town was a sense of community.
I used to walk down the street and total strangers
in pickup trucks would make sure I was from around
(26:12):
these parts.
Speaker 7 (26:22):
Gosh, I have to say that actually sounds like a
dark undercurrent of racism ran through your small town.
Speaker 6 (26:31):
What No, No, they were friendly.
Speaker 14 (26:33):
They looked after me by telling me you better be
inside by dark or else.
Speaker 7 (26:40):
All right, Michael Kassa, Michael, I'm just gonna go way
out on the rod here.
Speaker 6 (26:50):
I assume you too were raised with small town, real
American values.
Speaker 5 (26:54):
I sure was, John, and the Democrats really nailed it.
Speaker 17 (26:58):
I watched the convention from Hotel, and to me, they
highlighted the best of what makes small towns so great.
Coaches who love their kids, slogans like clear Eyes, full Hearts,
can't lose smoke, shows like Kyle Chandler and Connie Britton
in a weird subplot where.
Speaker 5 (27:15):
Landry killed a guy. Yeah, so.
Speaker 6 (27:19):
Just very quickly, Michael, you were not watching the convention.
Speaker 5 (27:24):
That is a show called Friday Night Lights. Well, whatever
it was, I'm excited to vote for Coach Tailor.
Speaker 14 (27:31):
Oh oh my god, hey, ro Bro, can we please
shut up? Let's Ronnie John. I'm sick of this.
Speaker 6 (27:49):
Okay.
Speaker 14 (27:50):
The Democrats need to stop adopting this Republican fiction that American.
Speaker 5 (27:55):
Values only exist in small towns.
Speaker 6 (27:58):
Ronnie, thank you, thank you. I people in cities also
have good values.
Speaker 3 (28:07):
No, we don't.
Speaker 14 (28:08):
We're all gauntless heathens with no values and bed bugs, okay,
and we like it that way. We don't bake each
other pies. I don't take food from a stranger like
a psychopath. And I have never talked to my neighbors ever.
I just scream at them through my wall to keep
it down without having sex.
Speaker 6 (28:29):
I never even met them. For what I can hear,
their names are oh God and Hodder.
Speaker 14 (28:34):
But we have to remember that we are all Americans,
whether you're from a city or small town, whether your
name is Smith or Chang or oh.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
God, Hotter Hotter moo.
Speaker 5 (28:48):
No, I think I kind of, I think I got it.
Speaker 1 (28:50):
No, no, I'm not done.
Speaker 5 (28:52):
I'm not kind horn Hotter.
Speaker 14 (28:54):
No.
Speaker 3 (28:54):
Yeah, we can't.
Speaker 5 (28:56):
Same everybody and we come up.
Speaker 6 (28:59):
I don't you know what you blah b.
Speaker 3 (29:27):
Com add a Mamara show.
Speaker 5 (29:30):
Obviously, this week's convention is really.
Speaker 7 (29:34):
All about introducing Kamala Harris to America, and as part
of that introduction, the Democrats produced a special film to
make the case for a Harris presidency.
Speaker 6 (29:44):
Now, luckily for us, we stole it and we are
going to show it to you.
Speaker 5 (29:53):
America is a land of people, people who are normal,
and America used to have president idens who were normal.
Sometimes they would build them for not sing, but they
could always finish their sentences and not start civil wars.
But after eight years of this, in this ah love
(30:19):
his doctor and just generally feeling like we're trapped in
a sidistic circus in the eighth circle.
Speaker 6 (30:24):
Of hellth.
Speaker 5 (30:28):
It is time for America to return to normal. It's
time for Kamala Harris. Just nor Henerator by Jess A
normal Kamala Harris checks all the boxes for what Americans
are looking for in a normal president. I'm Kamala Harrison.
I'm wonderful president of the United States. We are a
(30:51):
nation that was founded on noble ideas. But where did
this unicorn of the candidate come from? Kamala Harris was
born in nineteen sixty four in Oakland, California, a year
that puts her squarely in the normal age range of
American presidents. She was the daughter of two academics who
met at school a way that normal people meet their spouse,
(31:13):
as opposed to a party with sex ring billionaires. Her
mother was from India, her father was from Jamaica, and
that makes her both black and South Asian. Normal people
understand this. I don't know is she Indian or is
she black? Again? Normal people understand this. Kamala's parents wanted
the best education for you, but because they weren't absolutely
(31:34):
loaded in a way that would make them believe they
could live outside the laws of man and nature, young
Kamala had to be bussed to a desegregated school an
hour away. It was an experience that always stayed with her,
but not in a way that made her thirsty for
revenge or obsessed with leaving a legacy that would outlast
the universe. Just a normal I'll put that into my
(31:54):
autobiography kind of way. Kamala was admitted to Howard University,
where she made lifelong friends like any other well adjusted person,
you can feel comfortable trusting with nuclear codes, and she
made ends meet working at McDonald's, a typical job held
by millions of people. And just to be clear, she
was working the register, not starring in bizarre fever dreams
(32:16):
with Grimace and stealing jobs from hardworking professional actors who
honestly could have used the gig at the time. After college,
Kamala went on the normal trajectory for President Law School,
San Francisco, District Attorney Attorney General of California. Yes, early
on she had a boyfriend help her get a job
on the state Unemployment Insurance Appeals Board. But that's a
(32:37):
very normal type of cronyism. And besides, it was an
unemployment insurance appeals board. Do not act like you wanted
that job, rob Kamala wrote her success to the US Senate,
where her time was mostly unmemorable, which is normal. Do
you know what kind of freak you have to be
to be a memorable senator. Yeah, now, Kamala just did
(33:04):
her job, including a famous grilling of Judge Brett Kavanaugh.
Speaker 8 (33:08):
Can you think of any laws that give the government
the power to make decisions about.
Speaker 5 (33:13):
The male body? I'm not a thinking of any right now.
Speaker 14 (33:18):
It was a.
Speaker 5 (33:19):
Brilliant performance that didn't stop Brett Kavanaugh from overturning Roe v. Wade,
but a politician offering stirring rhetoric with disappointing results. Very normal, guys.
After a respectable two years, Kamala decided to take the
next step.
Speaker 8 (33:36):
I stand before you today to announce my candidacy for
president of the United States.
Speaker 5 (33:44):
Yes, a run for president in twenty twenty, a decision
so normal that it was done by over seventy percent
of the Democratic Party. But despite showing voters her personal
side by listening and reacting to music like a regular
human as opposed to freezing in placer yanking off a
pair of dicks and stuff, Kamala didn't resonate with voters,
and she dropped out before voting even began.
Speaker 8 (34:06):
I'm not a billionaire, I can't fund my campaign.
Speaker 5 (34:09):
It was a move that exhibited her remarkable skill to
view reality and react rationally. Wouldn't that be great reacting
rationally to an electoral defeat, wouldn't it. But before she quit,
Kamala did have one great moment.
Speaker 8 (34:26):
You know, there was a little girl in California and
she was bussed to school every.
Speaker 6 (34:30):
Day, and that little girl was me.
Speaker 5 (34:33):
It was a takedown of Biden's support of school segregation,
so brutal that he reintegrated the White House and made
her vice president. They did go, Kamala Harris between the
first black price president, the first Asian vice president, and
the first female vice president. And yes, maybe that isn't
normal for America, but did you know that in the
(34:55):
other parts of the world women are allowed to be
leaders like all the time. So that's not on her.
What are Kamala's actual policies? Just the vague ones you'd
expect from a normal Democrat trying to get elected.
Speaker 8 (35:09):
Our fight is a fight for the future, and it
is a fight for freedom.
Speaker 5 (35:14):
Yeah, great, sounds good, But at least they're going to
be normal policies. You won't have to learn about Project
twenty twenty five for great replacement theory, or weather a
president concerned about his turn will in prison. What the
hell are we doing here, gang, I've been in episodes
of Always Park less stressful than this. Of course, like
any person, Kamala has her personality quirks, and her time
(35:35):
as Vice president brought them all front and center. I
love Vin diagrams.
Speaker 6 (35:40):
Do you know the three circles?
Speaker 5 (35:41):
Who doesn't love a yellow school?
Speaker 8 (35:44):
Do you think you just fell out of a coconut tree?
Speaker 5 (35:47):
The coconut king super kooky?
Speaker 2 (35:50):
Right?
Speaker 5 (35:50):
So what America has presidents with fun and energy all
the time? What about Aid? You wore the big hats,
FDR stamps, Reagan jellybeans, pounded fistfuls of them, and they
were all presidents who didn't cause Americans to ship themselves
every five minutes. And that is the promise of a
(36:11):
Kamala Harris presidency. A president who will not fall in
love with the North Korean dictator or have a family
member whose dick picks end up on a congressional hearing.
A president who won't clear up their COVID with horsty
wormer and a spritz of clorox, and one that can
stay up past eight A president who will eventually leave office.
A president who won't have to flee to a non
(36:33):
extradition country if she loses. In other words, Kamala Harris
will be a normal president, just a normal president.
Speaker 3 (36:49):
Wrong?
Speaker 6 (37:08):
What at all? Oh?
Speaker 3 (37:12):
How does our shouncle tonight?
Speaker 8 (37:15):
I do?
Speaker 5 (37:16):
Before we go?
Speaker 14 (37:17):
I just want to think?
Speaker 6 (37:20):
What do I want to take it?
Speaker 7 (37:24):
I just I want to thank the anthe name Theater
here in Chicago, the hospitality that the theater has shown
us throughout the week, and the hospitality from the city
of Chicago.
Speaker 5 (37:33):
And all the great people have.
Speaker 1 (37:37):
Fantastic.
Speaker 5 (37:39):
What a lovely time we had, What a lovely experience.
Speaker 7 (37:41):
But most of all, I want to thank the staff,
the crew and the cast of The Daily Show, the
production team here that brought everything out from New York
City and gave us an absolutely flawless week of production
and best staff and crew in the business. Couldn't be
(38:02):
happier with how they pulled this thing off.
Speaker 5 (38:06):
And thank you guys for watching.
Speaker 2 (38:08):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 5 (38:15):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
Ten Central on Comedy Central and stream full episodes anytime
on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 6 (38:28):
Paramount Podcasts
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