July 1, 2025 • 30 mins
Happy Birthday, Canada! Celebrate our northern neighbor's independence with a compilation of pieces made before America threatened to invade.
Jon Stewart is joined by Jessica Williams to get caught back up on Toronto's crack smoking mayor. Jason Jones heads to Canada to find out why the banks there are too boring for disastrous economic collapse. Dan Bakkedahl discovers Mexico's insidious immigration plot. Sam Bee meets Canadians who seek to go the other direction. Wyatt Cenac drills deep on the power of Canadian oil.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Breaking news out of Yeah, that's right, Canada, just.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
Into the news deck.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
The cracksmoking Mayor of Toronto has just done it again.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Which brings us to our brand new segment, the fifth
in the cracksmoking Mayor of Toronto has.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Just done it again. So apparently.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
The cracksmoking Mayor of Toronto has done it again. Here's
the sentence I'm assuming does not follow that sentence Save
the day.
Speaker 4 (00:53):
The hours long city council meeting deteriorated into a spectacle.
Mayor rob Ford at one point or mocking a council
member suspected of driving drugs.
Speaker 5 (01:03):
Mayorpot please stop disrupting amid the chaos.
Speaker 4 (01:06):
Mayor Ford nearly not a councilwoman to the ground as
he ran across the room.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Poor woman, the poor councilor. You know, she got into
politics thinking, you know, this may be a dirty, unrewarding business,
but at least I'll never have to worry about going
to work and being trampled by a crackhead. And there's
(01:49):
a reason Robeford may have been worked up by that
particular city council meeting.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
The city council in Toronto has just begun debating a
measure that would strip its cracksmoking mayor of most of
his power.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Wait, smoking crack gives you powers? Are those powers and
unquenchable thirst for a crack? But oddly, and Mayor Ford's case,
with great powers come very little responsibility. So how did
the Council's attempt to strip Mayor rob Ford of his
(02:23):
powers turn out?
Speaker 6 (02:26):
Ford went down thirty six votes to five.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Five votes.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
Who voted to continue to give this man.
Speaker 7 (02:39):
Power.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
I imagine he must have given a very impassioned defense.
Speaker 8 (02:45):
His hansa This.
Speaker 9 (02:47):
Folks reminds me of one and I was watching it
with my brother.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
When Sadam attacked Kuwait.
Speaker 9 (02:57):
You guys have just attacked Kuwait and you will never.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Saddam was saying, attacking Quait. Look, the reference may be dated,
but in rob Ford's defense, it may be one of
the last things he remembers. I know, I know there
was an invasion of Kuwait. The next thing I know.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
I woke up it was the mayor. I don't know
how well.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
The vote yesterday capped off a hell of a couple
of days for rob Ford, including an interview with CNN
where he surrounded himself with school children and then said this,
said enough, I.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
Was sick and tired of all these allegations and all
this should excuse my words, and that's all it is. Sorry, kids,
I should have sworn it from the kids. I just,
I just, I just I should have done that.
Speaker 10 (03:59):
I should have done that.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
I feel like for doing out Jesus. That's another that's
another cup right down.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
What did I do just there? I just said it again?
Speaker 11 (04:05):
Me No, not bad.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Shouldn't have said that.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
I'm such a spunner all What am I doing?
Speaker 11 (04:10):
Right about the kids?
Speaker 2 (04:13):
But rob Ford is not in denial, says Rob Ford,
he knows he's not perfect.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
This this is the thing. I don't look at myself
as the mayor. I look at.
Speaker 9 (04:23):
Myself as just a normal regular person.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
Then go back to being one. Amazingly, after all this,
Rob Ford does have a few supporters left in Toronto.
We shot around Jessica Williams up to talk to a
few of them.
Speaker 7 (04:42):
Toronto's Mayor Rob Ford has provided the world with a
series of incredible political highlights.
Speaker 9 (04:48):
Olivia Gondack says that I wanted to eat it from Gonduck.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
I've never said that in my life tour. I would
never do that. I'm half be married. I've got more
than enough to eat at home. Size.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Have you purchased illegal drugs in the last two years, Yes.
Speaker 7 (05:07):
I have, And recently, in a response to his egregious behavior,
the City Council of Toronto voted thirty six to five
to ask Rob Ford to leave city Hall. So I
went to Toronto to see who the hell were these
five people and why they didn't just dump the mayor Outright,
he smoked crack, Right, that's what he's told us, and
he's talked about eating at a press conference.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Right.
Speaker 10 (05:30):
I didn't hear that comment live, but the recorded version
I heard had one of those words bleeped out.
Speaker 7 (05:35):
Oh, it definitely said.
Speaker 10 (05:38):
I think they just bleeped it out again.
Speaker 7 (05:39):
So why did you vote against that motion? Were you
on crack as well?
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Well?
Speaker 10 (05:44):
If you look at the motion in its parts, it
invites them to leave, that's the good part. But then
it invites them to come back. That's the part how
I couldn't tolerate.
Speaker 7 (05:53):
Oh, so the motion wasn't harsh enough for Parker, but
he did have another way to punish the mayor.
Speaker 10 (05:58):
Some of us thought that the conduct of the mayor
might well be brought before the integrity Commissioner and ask
her to report with her comments and her advice.
Speaker 7 (06:06):
Do you guys also have an obvious commissioner? I get
the goal Council.
Speaker 10 (06:10):
Well, we didn't think we would need anything of the sort.
Speaker 7 (06:13):
See in America, we have a ton of experience with
this kind of thing, but Toronto is truly incapable of
dealing with.
Speaker 10 (06:19):
Ass We have an election coming up next fall, and
we'll see what happens then.
Speaker 7 (06:24):
Next fall in twenty fourteen, twenty fourteen, What is wrong
with the system here?
Speaker 10 (06:30):
Well, some people here call it democracy.
Speaker 7 (06:32):
Oh no, it's more like a plus socracy. Nobody has
the balls to do something around here.
Speaker 10 (06:37):
Well I never thought of it in quite those terms.
Speaker 7 (06:40):
But how could this guy get reelected? Who in their
right mind are the almost twenty five percent of Torontonians
who still support him.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
He's doing a great job.
Speaker 12 (06:50):
Rob Ford is the most fiscally responsible mayor we've had
in our city since I've been alive.
Speaker 6 (06:54):
Everything he said he's going to do, he's got done.
Speaker 7 (06:57):
Was it weird to say responsible and Rob Ford in
the same.
Speaker 8 (06:59):
Sentence, Absolutely not.
Speaker 7 (07:01):
How much is too much crack. For rob Ford to
smoke where you would have an issue, it have to.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Be where it affects his performance at his job.
Speaker 7 (07:08):
Hold, ihne, is this too much crack?
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Absolutely not?
Speaker 7 (07:12):
Is this too much crack? Uh?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
Nope?
Speaker 7 (07:15):
How about this? Is this too much crack? So there
is a line between a functioning mayor and a problem.
Let's see if he can tell the difference between his
mayor and Oh, let's say, Charlie Sheen, I am a
sick mother.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
For dude, Charlie Sheen.
Speaker 7 (07:34):
Wrong, that's rob Ford.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Wow.
Speaker 7 (07:37):
Yeah, here's another one. Yes, I have smoke crack cocaine.
But am I an addict? No? Have I tried it?
Probably in one of my drunken stupords.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
That is definitely rob Ford.
Speaker 7 (07:48):
Yeah, that was a giveaway. That was an easy one.
I don't have time for these clowns. I don't have
time for their judgment and their stupidity.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Rob Ford?
Speaker 7 (07:57):
Nope, that's Charlie Sheen.
Speaker 8 (07:58):
Really that sounds like a rob Ford.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (08:00):
I know they're so similar. So people would still vote
for rob Ford? Is it maybe because his behavior is
not unusual in Toronto workplaces?
Speaker 13 (08:09):
Hi?
Speaker 7 (08:10):
What can I get chatted?
Speaker 10 (08:11):
I think it alt type, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Are you smoking crack?
Speaker 7 (08:23):
Yes, this is the most annoyingly polite place on earth.
And then he said I wanted to suck his I've
never said that in my life. I would never do that.
I've got more than enough to suck at Rome, and
no one confronted me about my Ford like approach to work.
Maybe this city deserves its major.
Speaker 12 (08:43):
I think he's made mistakes in the past, but I
don't believe we should hold that against him forever.
Speaker 7 (08:47):
So re elect Rob Ford the hood rat stuffs in
the past.
Speaker 10 (08:50):
I believe the hood rat stuff's in the past.
Speaker 7 (08:52):
So reelect Rob Ford that hood rats in the past.
Speaker 14 (09:01):
The financial crash of two thousand and eight brought a
new focus on the behavior of Wall Street, But what
happened to the regulations that were promising it's wake.
Speaker 12 (09:10):
The largest financial institutions have been doing everything they can
to make sure that financial regulations don't get it put
in place.
Speaker 14 (09:19):
And that's exactly the way it should be. According to
champions of the free market, men like hedge fund manager
John Tobacco, we.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
Don't need these socialist forms of regulation. The Elizabeth Warrens
of the world coming down and sticking their little fingers
and micromanaging the capital markets.
Speaker 14 (09:35):
So if those women came down with their little hands,
what would we wind up looking like?
Speaker 3 (09:42):
We'd start looking a hell of a lot more like Canada.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
And nobody wants that. I should know. I'm from Canada.
Speaker 14 (09:49):
A horrific country where the financial system is heavily regulated
by a centralized government office that sets rules on almost
every type of transaction. I reluctantly traveled back back to
Toronto and sat down with the CEO of Canada's eighth
largest bank to hear his tales of woe about over regulation.
Speaker 12 (10:08):
The model of regulation we have had in this country
has been a huge contributor to the stability of the
banking system and the stability of our economy.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
But regulation doesn't work.
Speaker 12 (10:18):
It definitely slows things down a little bit. But the
Canadian banking system has not had a crash in one
hundred and fifty years or even longer. Housing crash, absolutely,
not the Internet bubble.
Speaker 8 (10:30):
There's a couple of stocks maybe that went down, but
no no.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Market crash of eighty seven.
Speaker 12 (10:34):
Market crash in eighty seven, I don't think it was
one that certainly affected the banking system.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
But about the Great Depression.
Speaker 12 (10:40):
No, our banking system persevered through the Great Depression as well.
Speaker 14 (10:44):
A ridiculous claim substantiated by nothing more than facts. But
a real capitalist would know that's not the point.
Speaker 3 (10:52):
The American financial system is the last bastion of free
market capitalism in the world. It's the greatest system the
world has ever known.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
What about the statistical evidence that shows otherwise? What's statistical events? Well,
since seventeen ninety, the US has had sixteen.
Speaker 14 (11:12):
Banking crisises in Canada has had zero.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
There have been bubbles and bursts in the US.
Speaker 3 (11:20):
But if you're educated and you're prepared, you should be
able to profit.
Speaker 14 (11:25):
You see, these bubbles in bursts are just a bit
of harmless free market fun.
Speaker 12 (11:30):
There's nothing fun about people's house losing fifty percent of
their value.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
But you can make money off that busting.
Speaker 12 (11:38):
There are some people, a very few amount of people,
who can make money.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
The rest of them, who cares? Are you serious? I
would never ever say that. Why not?
Speaker 12 (11:50):
It's an outrageous thing to say.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Screw them?
Speaker 14 (11:57):
No, Oh my god, somebody please please teach these people.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
How to bank.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
We have a lot of products here in the US
that the Canadians can take a hint from like, for example,
collateralized mortgage obligations. Although we went overboard with them, it's
still a product that worked.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Do you guys who over under inside outside loans? No?
Speaker 12 (12:16):
Never never heard of those.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
It's a reverse shrinking derivative.
Speaker 8 (12:20):
Okay, still never hear of it.
Speaker 14 (12:23):
Unlike Americans, average Canadians have been denied these financial instruments,
leaving them confused about what a banker really is.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
When I say the word banker, what comes to mind?
Speaker 8 (12:33):
Trustworthy?
Speaker 15 (12:35):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Consider it. When I say the word banker, what comes
to mind?
Speaker 7 (12:41):
Cockroaches, greedy little prits.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
They're just like an extension of my family.
Speaker 11 (12:45):
Please, disrespectful, reliable, backstabbing, transparent, money grubbing.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
I love Canadian banks. Yeah, pieces of That's what they are.
And that is the real problem with regulation. It attacks the.
Speaker 14 (12:58):
Proud rich culture of the banker, an exciting lifestyle of
offensive wealth that, sadly, in some parts of the world,
has already been lost.
Speaker 12 (13:07):
We have fun, of herod, We have fun.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
No, you don't. We do. Prove to me that you
are fun. Well.
Speaker 12 (13:15):
Put on the spot, I guess I could tell you
a joke, So tell me a joke, then, So a
duck walks into a pharmacy and he asks for some chapstick,
and when he goes to pay, he says, put it
on my bill.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
That's not a joke.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
Speaker 1 (13:35):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
You can't jelly in a girl's mouth, zing.
Speaker 14 (13:44):
And you can't jam regulation down a country's throat, because
to do so would be to undermine our nation's entire
financial philosophy.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Finish this great American banking mantra. Greed is bad, Greed
is dangerous. Okay, I guess Canadian Wall Street version is
a little different.
Speaker 14 (14:06):
So America, you can have regulation, but only if you're
prepared to live in a world that looks like this.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
The point is, ladies and gentlemen, a greed, for lack
of a better word, is not good. Greed is rom Greed.
Speaker 12 (14:23):
Is not a quality that people look for in their bankers.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Eh, thank you very much, good speech, Cordal way to
be ethical, pal.
Speaker 14 (14:32):
Oh, Canada, I'm so glad I left you.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Immigration. Immigration is an enormous issue in this country, but
we're not the only country dealing with it.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Dan Buckatol reports.
Speaker 6 (15:00):
Mexicans they're tearing America apart, and they've gotten so good
at country tearing they're taking it up north. Paul From,
founder of the Canada First Immigration Reform Committee, knows the danger.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
I mean, we're being invaded.
Speaker 16 (15:16):
In fact, what we suspect is happening is that large
numbers of Mexicans will will hispanicize Canadian culture.
Speaker 6 (15:23):
Right, Canadian culture. And that's terrible because that is what
is that exactly, and all of that culture is at risk.
Who is to blame besides the Mexicans.
Speaker 16 (15:46):
Government policy which wants to replace our population, greedy businessmen,
and of course immigration lawyers who make a bucket load
of money off.
Speaker 6 (15:57):
Consultant immigration lawyer like David Rosenblat, who's part of a
nationwide movement encouraging this Hispanicization. There aren't enough Canadians to
satisfy the jobs that are here. Why don't you just
create new people that are already Canadians.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
It's just not a viable solution.
Speaker 6 (16:18):
So you're hoping that these Mexicans will screw the women
that Canadians aren't willing to screw.
Speaker 12 (16:26):
I didn't quite say that Canadians are very active sexually.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
We've got a lot of very good looking.
Speaker 6 (16:34):
People put on a scale of Pam Anderson's Canadian Who
else besides Pam Anderson?
Speaker 8 (16:42):
There are just lots nuts and louts.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
I can go on and on, go on.
Speaker 6 (16:49):
And on, but he can't name any because he's too
busy turning Canada into a Mexican pinata. Let's say I'm
a Canadian and a Mexican moves in next door. What
can I expect?
Speaker 16 (17:10):
But will probably depend on the type of Mexican you've got.
Speaker 6 (17:14):
Let's say it's your typical Mexican.
Speaker 16 (17:17):
You'll get their particular lifestyle, the loud cars, the yard
not taken care of in quite the same tidy little
way an Italian or Anglo Saxon might do. They won't
take any direction, put your litre in the garbage, or
don't urinate here or whatever.
Speaker 6 (17:33):
Still think these urinehappy job thieves aren't a problem. We'll
meet Exhibit A in Canada's immigration job fleecing crisis, Raffi Torres.
He's the most feared kind of professional hockey player Mexican.
(17:59):
How did you cross the border into Canada?
Speaker 8 (18:05):
I didn't really have to cross the border.
Speaker 10 (18:07):
My und my dad all across them both.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
But when he was twenty five.
Speaker 6 (18:14):
Oh well, then I guess we won't be needing your
services today.
Speaker 8 (18:21):
That was to you.
Speaker 6 (18:23):
Oh you can go okay, but soon all Canadians will
need translators thanks to Senor Rosen Blat. So why Mexicans,
I mean, I mean, I know why you're not taking
Americans because America kicks ass and nobody wants to leave.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
But why Mexicans.
Speaker 12 (18:42):
First of all, let me tell you, we do get
contacted by a lot of Americans.
Speaker 8 (18:46):
We are interested in bringing up Americans.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
There there are any Americans that do want to come.
Speaker 6 (18:51):
We have a don't listen to him, don't listen to
what he said.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Happy to take America. It's a lot.
Speaker 6 (18:56):
There are no jobs, there's no Americans interested in coming
up here. As Mexicans continue to hispanicize the Canadian landscape,
their looms an even greater threat.
Speaker 16 (19:07):
Mexicans will use uh Canada as a as a launching
point for a backdoor UH invasion of the United States.
Speaker 6 (19:16):
Right, So they're gonna they're gonna go up into Canada
and then pull the shaker on us.
Speaker 16 (19:21):
Yeah, because the border is still pretty pretty poorous.
Speaker 6 (19:25):
Yeah, and if you don't know it's coming, it hurts, Right, So.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
You, It's gonna be very messy in the end.
Speaker 6 (19:34):
There's only one way to save Canada, stand up to
these Mexicans. So good luck Canada.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Now.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
The uncertainty surrounding the Ukrainian election may indeed make our
own election.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
After math seems quite peaceful.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
But as President Bush, that's his agenda for the next
four years, you may find himself governing an entirely different country.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Samantha b has More.
Speaker 5 (20:09):
The re election of George Bush has further cemented conservative
control of this country. The Republican victory has brought Canada
back in the news, with many convinced that life would
be better on the other side of the border. People
like Marta Scobb.
Speaker 17 (20:26):
I am a Canadian Conservative and I want to move
to America.
Speaker 5 (20:31):
Yes, with its tolerant society, low crime rate and free healthcare.
Canada is a hell on earth for people like Marta.
What's the main reason that you want to take off
from the great White North.
Speaker 8 (20:44):
We're weak, boring.
Speaker 17 (20:47):
The Bland, leading the Bland, Vanilla Vanilla all right? As
I said, Bland, I'm often asked whether white bread all
right and white bread.
Speaker 5 (21:03):
Marta is far from alone. Mark Graham is another conservative
Canadian who says he'd make a good American.
Speaker 18 (21:10):
I look at myself as an intellectual. Say intellectual, I'm
a little I'm very sophisticated. Actually I associate with in
the US. You would consider them Nascar fans.
Speaker 5 (21:23):
But does American need more cultural sophisticates? And are these
Canadians conservative enough? Okay? Mini citizenship test? Tell me whether
you want more or less of each item?
Speaker 18 (21:36):
Government, less guns, more, a lot, more big guns, gays.
Speaker 17 (21:43):
I guess I'll have to go with less God.
Speaker 5 (21:47):
More grizzlies.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Do you say, grizzlies? More, abortions less? None?
Speaker 5 (21:59):
And the most important question, how much do you hate
the French?
Speaker 17 (22:04):
Can I tell you a secret, Samantha, Please, For a
long long time, I have worn poison as my signature.
Ifume so, I am about I've been looking for a
(22:31):
replacement because I don't buy French goods anymore.
Speaker 8 (22:37):
Okay.
Speaker 5 (22:39):
With heartland values like these, the Canadians should be welcomed
by their conservative counterparts in the USA.
Speaker 10 (22:46):
Stay home, fix your own problems in your own country.
Speaker 5 (22:50):
Except that American conservatives don't like immigrants.
Speaker 13 (22:54):
Right now, we need to shut the border down, the
northern border, the southern border.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
And the coast.
Speaker 5 (23:00):
Is it bad even for Canadians to come here? Most
of them aren't even brown or anything.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
If we did what they do, we would all be
in jail.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
But no, they can get away with it. They are invaders.
Speaker 5 (23:12):
You seem really angry and upset about this.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
Well, no, I'm always like this.
Speaker 5 (23:17):
We spoke to an American conservative about Canadian conservatives who
want to move to the US, and his message was clear,
go blow yourself.
Speaker 17 (23:28):
Uh off Fox.
Speaker 5 (23:37):
As for Mark Graham, he's still optimistic he'll find a
home south of the border.
Speaker 18 (23:43):
But you know, I think I'd be welcome with open
arms in the US by a like minded.
Speaker 19 (23:48):
People are sweet, dude, Oh you are sweet, Mark, But
lose the beret in the Red States.
Speaker 5 (24:00):
I think it's a little French and frankly a little faggy.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Our insatiable thirst for oil it's forced us to do
business with some of the world's most dangerous regimes. It
turns out the most dangerous.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Maybe closer than we think. Whyit, Senac has more.
Speaker 8 (24:23):
We've been told time and time again we must get
off for an oil.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
America's dependence on oil is one of the most serious
threats that our nation has faced.
Speaker 16 (24:32):
Mister Pennish, leaves us more vulnerable to hostile regimes and
to terrorists.
Speaker 8 (24:37):
But if we're going to get serious, we must examine
the players, particularly the biggest, most dangerous player of all.
Speaker 20 (24:45):
Right now, our leading supplier of imported oil is Canada.
Speaker 8 (24:50):
That's right, it's Canada.
Speaker 20 (24:54):
It gives us about two million barrels of oil a day,
which is about twice as much as we're currently getting
from Saudi Arabia.
Speaker 8 (25:02):
Canada, I knew it for too long. We've cozied up
to their dictators, opened our borders to their most heinous operatives,
and ignored their institutional brutality again and again. And oh
that's got to hurt. Yes, bit by bit, Canada is
killing us. I flew to the oil fields of Alberta
(25:24):
to confront our Canadian oilver lords. Would you prefer that
I call you shaikh or or lord or your lordship.
Speaker 13 (25:34):
I'm senior Vice president, but I mean you can just
call me Drew.
Speaker 8 (25:38):
Would you agree that Canada is a blood and oil
soaked rapetocracy.
Speaker 13 (25:42):
Oh no, Canada is a very welcoming, warm country. There's
no reason we can't continue to be great neighbors.
Speaker 8 (25:49):
Such arrogance and worse, it's American companies that are keeping
these oil barons in business. Someone had to send them
a message. First question, Wow, these are a mess right,
evil Canada.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
We've been doing business with Canada for many years. We
may have small differences, but we're really cut from the
same cloth.
Speaker 8 (26:19):
So you're okay with Canada. Canada's fine. Well, what would
you do if your daughter had her health care paid
for by the government? As a father? How could you
live with yourself?
Speaker 15 (26:32):
I could live with that, and you call yourself an American?
You disgusted me, sir. Also, do you have some Kleenex
because I am starting to congeal a little bit here. Sure,
the propaganda sounds great until you talk to those who've
managed to escape the evil Maple regime.
Speaker 8 (26:52):
So you're Canadian.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
Refugees, h Yeah, we're from Trona. Ye're born to Renstrom.
Speaker 8 (27:00):
What was it like living in that repressive regime?
Speaker 1 (27:06):
What's the what's the show all the boat?
Speaker 8 (27:09):
Yeah, it's it's The Daily Show with John Stewart.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
Oh that's that shore. They make you look silly? Can
you look stupid? Yeah, we're just a bunch of Canadian hors.
Speaker 11 (27:23):
Go home.
Speaker 5 (27:24):
Yankee.
Speaker 8 (27:27):
I felt that same anger on the Canadian street where
America has become the scapegoat for all of Canada's problems.
Why are you angry at America? A lot of reasons.
Number one, Vancouver cannucts.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
We want the Nardique back. He took the Winnipeg Jets.
That was a little bit too much golf scull. You
a hockey fan, No.
Speaker 8 (27:49):
I'm American. Just as terrorists are taught around the world,
here a new generation of Kanuco fascists are being trained
to hate. Clearly, it's just a matter of time before
they strike.
Speaker 20 (28:02):
I think they are more afraid of us than we
are of them, to be honest.
Speaker 8 (28:06):
So what you're saying we should invade Canada before Canada
invades US, I got. I think that's all I need
right there. Yes, as Americans, we simply have no other choice.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Americans have a choice, a personal choice.
Speaker 13 (28:20):
Every individual has a choice to use fossil fuels or
not done.
Speaker 8 (28:24):
All right, easy, We'll stop using your oil.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Let me give you an example of what that might mean.
Speaker 13 (28:28):
Though obvious transportation means would have to change your cell phone,
video games, MP three players, your iPad. All these things
are made from a petrochemical or petroleum based products.
Speaker 8 (28:38):
What about anyone porn that would be gone. I was
beginning to see petro politics in a whole new light.
Maybe Canada wasn't so bad after all.
Speaker 11 (28:51):
Oh Canada, Canada, Canada, now now, now, now, now, I.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
Do want to congratulate Canada. First office a thrilling overtime victory.
They claimed the gold in men's ice hockey. The women's
team Canadian team also won gold. They truly are good
at hockey. So to Canada, I offer you my congratulations
and say you are the kings and the queens of
(29:27):
the ice. The one caveat I would like to mention
is that spring is coming.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
And with it the fall, and then you're back on
tarra firma.
Speaker 4 (29:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
And when the ice is gone, good luck at beating
us at roller hockey or whatever it is you play them.
I actually made a bet, this was one of those
dumb bets, with the Mayor of Vancouver, that if the
US won the gold medal ice hockey, he would send
me a case of maple syrup, and if Canada won,
I would give him one hundred million dollars. Jokes on, you, bitch,
(30:07):
they're American dollars.
Speaker 8 (30:10):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching the Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 6 (30:16):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven.
Speaker 8 (30:18):
Ten Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime
on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast show
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
Breaking news out of Yeah, that's right, Canada, just.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
Into the news deck.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
The cracksmoking Mayor of Toronto has just done it again.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
Which brings us to our brand new segment, the fifth
in the cracksmoking Mayor of Toronto has.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Just done it again. So apparently.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
The cracksmoking Mayor of Toronto has done it again. Here's
the sentence I'm assuming does not follow that sentence Save
the day.
Speaker 4 (00:53):
The hours long city council meeting deteriorated into a spectacle.
Mayor rob Ford at one point or mocking a council
member suspected of driving drugs.
Speaker 5 (01:03):
Mayorpot please stop disrupting amid the chaos.
Speaker 4 (01:06):
Mayor Ford nearly not a councilwoman to the ground as
he ran across the room.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Poor woman, the poor councilor. You know, she got into
politics thinking, you know, this may be a dirty, unrewarding business,
but at least I'll never have to worry about going
to work and being trampled by a crackhead. And there's
(01:49):
a reason Robeford may have been worked up by that
particular city council meeting.
Speaker 3 (01:53):
The city council in Toronto has just begun debating a
measure that would strip its cracksmoking mayor of most of
his power.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Wait, smoking crack gives you powers? Are those powers and
unquenchable thirst for a crack? But oddly, and Mayor Ford's case,
with great powers come very little responsibility. So how did
the Council's attempt to strip Mayor rob Ford of his
(02:23):
powers turn out?
Speaker 6 (02:26):
Ford went down thirty six votes to five.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Five votes.
Speaker 2 (02:33):
Who voted to continue to give this man.
Speaker 7 (02:39):
Power.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
I imagine he must have given a very impassioned defense.
Speaker 8 (02:45):
His hansa This.
Speaker 9 (02:47):
Folks reminds me of one and I was watching it
with my brother.
Speaker 1 (02:55):
When Sadam attacked Kuwait.
Speaker 9 (02:57):
You guys have just attacked Kuwait and you will never.
Speaker 2 (03:12):
Saddam was saying, attacking Quait. Look, the reference may be dated,
but in rob Ford's defense, it may be one of
the last things he remembers. I know, I know there
was an invasion of Kuwait. The next thing I know.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
I woke up it was the mayor. I don't know
how well.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
The vote yesterday capped off a hell of a couple
of days for rob Ford, including an interview with CNN
where he surrounded himself with school children and then said this,
said enough, I.
Speaker 1 (03:46):
Was sick and tired of all these allegations and all
this should excuse my words, and that's all it is. Sorry, kids,
I should have sworn it from the kids. I just,
I just, I just I should have done that.
Speaker 10 (03:59):
I should have done that.
Speaker 2 (04:00):
I feel like for doing out Jesus. That's another that's
another cup right down.
Speaker 1 (04:04):
What did I do just there? I just said it again?
Speaker 11 (04:05):
Me No, not bad.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Shouldn't have said that.
Speaker 2 (04:08):
I'm such a spunner all What am I doing?
Speaker 11 (04:10):
Right about the kids?
Speaker 2 (04:13):
But rob Ford is not in denial, says Rob Ford,
he knows he's not perfect.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
This this is the thing. I don't look at myself
as the mayor. I look at.
Speaker 9 (04:23):
Myself as just a normal regular person.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
Then go back to being one. Amazingly, after all this,
Rob Ford does have a few supporters left in Toronto.
We shot around Jessica Williams up to talk to a
few of them.
Speaker 7 (04:42):
Toronto's Mayor Rob Ford has provided the world with a
series of incredible political highlights.
Speaker 9 (04:48):
Olivia Gondack says that I wanted to eat it from Gonduck.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
I've never said that in my life tour. I would
never do that. I'm half be married. I've got more
than enough to eat at home. Size.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Have you purchased illegal drugs in the last two years, Yes.
Speaker 7 (05:07):
I have, And recently, in a response to his egregious behavior,
the City Council of Toronto voted thirty six to five
to ask Rob Ford to leave city Hall. So I
went to Toronto to see who the hell were these
five people and why they didn't just dump the mayor Outright,
he smoked crack, Right, that's what he's told us, and
he's talked about eating at a press conference.
Speaker 1 (05:30):
Right.
Speaker 10 (05:30):
I didn't hear that comment live, but the recorded version
I heard had one of those words bleeped out.
Speaker 7 (05:35):
Oh, it definitely said.
Speaker 10 (05:38):
I think they just bleeped it out again.
Speaker 7 (05:39):
So why did you vote against that motion? Were you
on crack as well?
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Well?
Speaker 10 (05:44):
If you look at the motion in its parts, it
invites them to leave, that's the good part. But then
it invites them to come back. That's the part how
I couldn't tolerate.
Speaker 7 (05:53):
Oh, so the motion wasn't harsh enough for Parker, but
he did have another way to punish the mayor.
Speaker 10 (05:58):
Some of us thought that the conduct of the mayor
might well be brought before the integrity Commissioner and ask
her to report with her comments and her advice.
Speaker 7 (06:06):
Do you guys also have an obvious commissioner? I get
the goal Council.
Speaker 10 (06:10):
Well, we didn't think we would need anything of the sort.
Speaker 7 (06:13):
See in America, we have a ton of experience with
this kind of thing, but Toronto is truly incapable of
dealing with.
Speaker 10 (06:19):
Ass We have an election coming up next fall, and
we'll see what happens then.
Speaker 7 (06:24):
Next fall in twenty fourteen, twenty fourteen, What is wrong
with the system here?
Speaker 10 (06:30):
Well, some people here call it democracy.
Speaker 7 (06:32):
Oh no, it's more like a plus socracy. Nobody has
the balls to do something around here.
Speaker 10 (06:37):
Well I never thought of it in quite those terms.
Speaker 7 (06:40):
But how could this guy get reelected? Who in their
right mind are the almost twenty five percent of Torontonians
who still support him.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
He's doing a great job.
Speaker 12 (06:50):
Rob Ford is the most fiscally responsible mayor we've had
in our city since I've been alive.
Speaker 6 (06:54):
Everything he said he's going to do, he's got done.
Speaker 7 (06:57):
Was it weird to say responsible and Rob Ford in
the same.
Speaker 8 (06:59):
Sentence, Absolutely not.
Speaker 7 (07:01):
How much is too much crack. For rob Ford to
smoke where you would have an issue, it have to.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
Be where it affects his performance at his job.
Speaker 7 (07:08):
Hold, ihne, is this too much crack?
Speaker 1 (07:11):
Absolutely not?
Speaker 7 (07:12):
Is this too much crack? Uh?
Speaker 1 (07:14):
Nope?
Speaker 7 (07:15):
How about this? Is this too much crack? So there
is a line between a functioning mayor and a problem.
Let's see if he can tell the difference between his
mayor and Oh, let's say, Charlie Sheen, I am a
sick mother.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
For dude, Charlie Sheen.
Speaker 7 (07:34):
Wrong, that's rob Ford.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
Wow.
Speaker 7 (07:37):
Yeah, here's another one. Yes, I have smoke crack cocaine.
But am I an addict? No? Have I tried it?
Probably in one of my drunken stupords.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
That is definitely rob Ford.
Speaker 7 (07:48):
Yeah, that was a giveaway. That was an easy one.
I don't have time for these clowns. I don't have
time for their judgment and their stupidity.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
Rob Ford?
Speaker 7 (07:57):
Nope, that's Charlie Sheen.
Speaker 8 (07:58):
Really that sounds like a rob Ford.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Yeah?
Speaker 7 (08:00):
I know they're so similar. So people would still vote
for rob Ford? Is it maybe because his behavior is
not unusual in Toronto workplaces?
Speaker 13 (08:09):
Hi?
Speaker 7 (08:10):
What can I get chatted?
Speaker 10 (08:11):
I think it alt type, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:17):
Are you smoking crack?
Speaker 7 (08:23):
Yes, this is the most annoyingly polite place on earth.
And then he said I wanted to suck his I've
never said that in my life. I would never do that.
I've got more than enough to suck at Rome, and
no one confronted me about my Ford like approach to work.
Maybe this city deserves its major.
Speaker 12 (08:43):
I think he's made mistakes in the past, but I
don't believe we should hold that against him forever.
Speaker 7 (08:47):
So re elect Rob Ford the hood rat stuffs in
the past.
Speaker 10 (08:50):
I believe the hood rat stuff's in the past.
Speaker 7 (08:52):
So reelect Rob Ford that hood rats in the past.
Speaker 14 (09:01):
The financial crash of two thousand and eight brought a
new focus on the behavior of Wall Street, But what
happened to the regulations that were promising it's wake.
Speaker 12 (09:10):
The largest financial institutions have been doing everything they can
to make sure that financial regulations don't get it put
in place.
Speaker 14 (09:19):
And that's exactly the way it should be. According to
champions of the free market, men like hedge fund manager
John Tobacco, we.
Speaker 3 (09:27):
Don't need these socialist forms of regulation. The Elizabeth Warrens
of the world coming down and sticking their little fingers
and micromanaging the capital markets.
Speaker 14 (09:35):
So if those women came down with their little hands,
what would we wind up looking like?
Speaker 3 (09:42):
We'd start looking a hell of a lot more like Canada.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
And nobody wants that. I should know. I'm from Canada.
Speaker 14 (09:49):
A horrific country where the financial system is heavily regulated
by a centralized government office that sets rules on almost
every type of transaction. I reluctantly traveled back back to
Toronto and sat down with the CEO of Canada's eighth
largest bank to hear his tales of woe about over regulation.
Speaker 12 (10:08):
The model of regulation we have had in this country
has been a huge contributor to the stability of the
banking system and the stability of our economy.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
But regulation doesn't work.
Speaker 12 (10:18):
It definitely slows things down a little bit. But the
Canadian banking system has not had a crash in one
hundred and fifty years or even longer. Housing crash, absolutely,
not the Internet bubble.
Speaker 8 (10:30):
There's a couple of stocks maybe that went down, but
no no.
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Market crash of eighty seven.
Speaker 12 (10:34):
Market crash in eighty seven, I don't think it was
one that certainly affected the banking system.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
But about the Great Depression.
Speaker 12 (10:40):
No, our banking system persevered through the Great Depression as well.
Speaker 14 (10:44):
A ridiculous claim substantiated by nothing more than facts. But
a real capitalist would know that's not the point.
Speaker 3 (10:52):
The American financial system is the last bastion of free
market capitalism in the world. It's the greatest system the
world has ever known.
Speaker 1 (11:02):
What about the statistical evidence that shows otherwise? What's statistical events? Well,
since seventeen ninety, the US has had sixteen.
Speaker 14 (11:12):
Banking crisises in Canada has had zero.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
There have been bubbles and bursts in the US.
Speaker 3 (11:20):
But if you're educated and you're prepared, you should be
able to profit.
Speaker 14 (11:25):
You see, these bubbles in bursts are just a bit
of harmless free market fun.
Speaker 12 (11:30):
There's nothing fun about people's house losing fifty percent of
their value.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
But you can make money off that busting.
Speaker 12 (11:38):
There are some people, a very few amount of people,
who can make money.
Speaker 1 (11:43):
The rest of them, who cares? Are you serious? I
would never ever say that. Why not?
Speaker 12 (11:50):
It's an outrageous thing to say.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Screw them?
Speaker 14 (11:57):
No, Oh my god, somebody please please teach these people.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
How to bank.
Speaker 3 (12:02):
We have a lot of products here in the US
that the Canadians can take a hint from like, for example,
collateralized mortgage obligations. Although we went overboard with them, it's
still a product that worked.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
Do you guys who over under inside outside loans? No?
Speaker 12 (12:16):
Never never heard of those.
Speaker 1 (12:18):
It's a reverse shrinking derivative.
Speaker 8 (12:20):
Okay, still never hear of it.
Speaker 14 (12:23):
Unlike Americans, average Canadians have been denied these financial instruments,
leaving them confused about what a banker really is.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
When I say the word banker, what comes to mind?
Speaker 8 (12:33):
Trustworthy?
Speaker 15 (12:35):
Uh?
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Consider it. When I say the word banker, what comes
to mind?
Speaker 7 (12:41):
Cockroaches, greedy little prits.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
They're just like an extension of my family.
Speaker 11 (12:45):
Please, disrespectful, reliable, backstabbing, transparent, money grubbing.
Speaker 1 (12:51):
I love Canadian banks. Yeah, pieces of That's what they are.
And that is the real problem with regulation. It attacks the.
Speaker 14 (12:58):
Proud rich culture of the banker, an exciting lifestyle of
offensive wealth that, sadly, in some parts of the world,
has already been lost.
Speaker 12 (13:07):
We have fun, of herod, We have fun.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
No, you don't. We do. Prove to me that you
are fun. Well.
Speaker 12 (13:15):
Put on the spot, I guess I could tell you
a joke, So tell me a joke, then, So a
duck walks into a pharmacy and he asks for some chapstick,
and when he goes to pay, he says, put it
on my bill.
Speaker 1 (13:31):
That's not a joke.
Speaker 3 (13:33):
What's the difference between jelly and jam?
Speaker 1 (13:35):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
You can't jelly in a girl's mouth, zing.
Speaker 14 (13:44):
And you can't jam regulation down a country's throat, because
to do so would be to undermine our nation's entire
financial philosophy.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Finish this great American banking mantra. Greed is bad, Greed
is dangerous. Okay, I guess Canadian Wall Street version is
a little different.
Speaker 14 (14:06):
So America, you can have regulation, but only if you're
prepared to live in a world that looks like this.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
The point is, ladies and gentlemen, a greed, for lack
of a better word, is not good. Greed is rom Greed.
Speaker 12 (14:23):
Is not a quality that people look for in their bankers.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Eh, thank you very much, good speech, Cordal way to
be ethical, pal.
Speaker 14 (14:32):
Oh, Canada, I'm so glad I left you.
Speaker 2 (14:39):
Immigration. Immigration is an enormous issue in this country, but
we're not the only country dealing with it.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Dan Buckatol reports.
Speaker 6 (15:00):
Mexicans they're tearing America apart, and they've gotten so good
at country tearing they're taking it up north. Paul From,
founder of the Canada First Immigration Reform Committee, knows the danger.
Speaker 1 (15:15):
I mean, we're being invaded.
Speaker 16 (15:16):
In fact, what we suspect is happening is that large
numbers of Mexicans will will hispanicize Canadian culture.
Speaker 6 (15:23):
Right, Canadian culture. And that's terrible because that is what
is that exactly, and all of that culture is at risk.
Who is to blame besides the Mexicans.
Speaker 16 (15:46):
Government policy which wants to replace our population, greedy businessmen,
and of course immigration lawyers who make a bucket load
of money off.
Speaker 6 (15:57):
Consultant immigration lawyer like David Rosenblat, who's part of a
nationwide movement encouraging this Hispanicization. There aren't enough Canadians to
satisfy the jobs that are here. Why don't you just
create new people that are already Canadians.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
It's just not a viable solution.
Speaker 6 (16:18):
So you're hoping that these Mexicans will screw the women
that Canadians aren't willing to screw.
Speaker 12 (16:26):
I didn't quite say that Canadians are very active sexually.
Speaker 1 (16:32):
We've got a lot of very good looking.
Speaker 6 (16:34):
People put on a scale of Pam Anderson's Canadian Who
else besides Pam Anderson?
Speaker 8 (16:42):
There are just lots nuts and louts.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
I can go on and on, go on.
Speaker 6 (16:49):
And on, but he can't name any because he's too
busy turning Canada into a Mexican pinata. Let's say I'm
a Canadian and a Mexican moves in next door. What
can I expect?
Speaker 16 (17:10):
But will probably depend on the type of Mexican you've got.
Speaker 6 (17:14):
Let's say it's your typical Mexican.
Speaker 16 (17:17):
You'll get their particular lifestyle, the loud cars, the yard
not taken care of in quite the same tidy little
way an Italian or Anglo Saxon might do. They won't
take any direction, put your litre in the garbage, or
don't urinate here or whatever.
Speaker 6 (17:33):
Still think these urinehappy job thieves aren't a problem. We'll
meet Exhibit A in Canada's immigration job fleecing crisis, Raffi Torres.
He's the most feared kind of professional hockey player Mexican.
(17:59):
How did you cross the border into Canada?
Speaker 8 (18:05):
I didn't really have to cross the border.
Speaker 10 (18:07):
My und my dad all across them both.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
But when he was twenty five.
Speaker 6 (18:14):
Oh well, then I guess we won't be needing your
services today.
Speaker 8 (18:21):
That was to you.
Speaker 6 (18:23):
Oh you can go okay, but soon all Canadians will
need translators thanks to Senor Rosen Blat. So why Mexicans,
I mean, I mean, I know why you're not taking
Americans because America kicks ass and nobody wants to leave.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
But why Mexicans.
Speaker 12 (18:42):
First of all, let me tell you, we do get
contacted by a lot of Americans.
Speaker 8 (18:46):
We are interested in bringing up Americans.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
There there are any Americans that do want to come.
Speaker 6 (18:51):
We have a don't listen to him, don't listen to
what he said.
Speaker 1 (18:54):
Happy to take America. It's a lot.
Speaker 6 (18:56):
There are no jobs, there's no Americans interested in coming
up here. As Mexicans continue to hispanicize the Canadian landscape,
their looms an even greater threat.
Speaker 16 (19:07):
Mexicans will use uh Canada as a as a launching
point for a backdoor UH invasion of the United States.
Speaker 6 (19:16):
Right, So they're gonna they're gonna go up into Canada
and then pull the shaker on us.
Speaker 16 (19:21):
Yeah, because the border is still pretty pretty poorous.
Speaker 6 (19:25):
Yeah, and if you don't know it's coming, it hurts, Right, So.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
You, It's gonna be very messy in the end.
Speaker 6 (19:34):
There's only one way to save Canada, stand up to
these Mexicans. So good luck Canada.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Now.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
The uncertainty surrounding the Ukrainian election may indeed make our
own election.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
After math seems quite peaceful.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
But as President Bush, that's his agenda for the next
four years, you may find himself governing an entirely different country.
Speaker 1 (20:05):
Samantha b has More.
Speaker 5 (20:09):
The re election of George Bush has further cemented conservative
control of this country. The Republican victory has brought Canada
back in the news, with many convinced that life would
be better on the other side of the border. People
like Marta Scobb.
Speaker 17 (20:26):
I am a Canadian Conservative and I want to move
to America.
Speaker 5 (20:31):
Yes, with its tolerant society, low crime rate and free healthcare.
Canada is a hell on earth for people like Marta.
What's the main reason that you want to take off
from the great White North.
Speaker 8 (20:44):
We're weak, boring.
Speaker 17 (20:47):
The Bland, leading the Bland, Vanilla Vanilla all right? As
I said, Bland, I'm often asked whether white bread all
right and white bread.
Speaker 5 (21:03):
Marta is far from alone. Mark Graham is another conservative
Canadian who says he'd make a good American.
Speaker 18 (21:10):
I look at myself as an intellectual. Say intellectual, I'm
a little I'm very sophisticated. Actually I associate with in
the US. You would consider them Nascar fans.
Speaker 5 (21:23):
But does American need more cultural sophisticates? And are these
Canadians conservative enough? Okay? Mini citizenship test? Tell me whether
you want more or less of each item?
Speaker 18 (21:36):
Government, less guns, more, a lot, more big guns, gays.
Speaker 17 (21:43):
I guess I'll have to go with less God.
Speaker 5 (21:47):
More grizzlies.
Speaker 1 (21:49):
Do you say, grizzlies? More, abortions less? None?
Speaker 5 (21:59):
And the most important question, how much do you hate
the French?
Speaker 17 (22:04):
Can I tell you a secret, Samantha, Please, For a
long long time, I have worn poison as my signature.
Ifume so, I am about I've been looking for a
(22:31):
replacement because I don't buy French goods anymore.
Speaker 8 (22:37):
Okay.
Speaker 5 (22:39):
With heartland values like these, the Canadians should be welcomed
by their conservative counterparts in the USA.
Speaker 10 (22:46):
Stay home, fix your own problems in your own country.
Speaker 5 (22:50):
Except that American conservatives don't like immigrants.
Speaker 13 (22:54):
Right now, we need to shut the border down, the
northern border, the southern border.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
And the coast.
Speaker 5 (23:00):
Is it bad even for Canadians to come here? Most
of them aren't even brown or anything.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
If we did what they do, we would all be
in jail.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
But no, they can get away with it. They are invaders.
Speaker 5 (23:12):
You seem really angry and upset about this.
Speaker 1 (23:15):
Well, no, I'm always like this.
Speaker 5 (23:17):
We spoke to an American conservative about Canadian conservatives who
want to move to the US, and his message was clear,
go blow yourself.
Speaker 17 (23:28):
Uh off Fox.
Speaker 5 (23:37):
As for Mark Graham, he's still optimistic he'll find a
home south of the border.
Speaker 18 (23:43):
But you know, I think I'd be welcome with open
arms in the US by a like minded.
Speaker 19 (23:48):
People are sweet, dude, Oh you are sweet, Mark, But
lose the beret in the Red States.
Speaker 5 (24:00):
I think it's a little French and frankly a little faggy.
Speaker 1 (24:04):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
Our insatiable thirst for oil it's forced us to do
business with some of the world's most dangerous regimes. It
turns out the most dangerous.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Maybe closer than we think. Whyit, Senac has more.
Speaker 8 (24:23):
We've been told time and time again we must get
off for an oil.
Speaker 2 (24:27):
America's dependence on oil is one of the most serious
threats that our nation has faced.
Speaker 16 (24:32):
Mister Pennish, leaves us more vulnerable to hostile regimes and
to terrorists.
Speaker 8 (24:37):
But if we're going to get serious, we must examine
the players, particularly the biggest, most dangerous player of all.
Speaker 20 (24:45):
Right now, our leading supplier of imported oil is Canada.
Speaker 8 (24:50):
That's right, it's Canada.
Speaker 20 (24:54):
It gives us about two million barrels of oil a day,
which is about twice as much as we're currently getting
from Saudi Arabia.
Speaker 8 (25:02):
Canada, I knew it for too long. We've cozied up
to their dictators, opened our borders to their most heinous operatives,
and ignored their institutional brutality again and again. And oh
that's got to hurt. Yes, bit by bit, Canada is
killing us. I flew to the oil fields of Alberta
(25:24):
to confront our Canadian oilver lords. Would you prefer that
I call you shaikh or or lord or your lordship.
Speaker 13 (25:34):
I'm senior Vice president, but I mean you can just
call me Drew.
Speaker 8 (25:38):
Would you agree that Canada is a blood and oil
soaked rapetocracy.
Speaker 13 (25:42):
Oh no, Canada is a very welcoming, warm country. There's
no reason we can't continue to be great neighbors.
Speaker 8 (25:49):
Such arrogance and worse, it's American companies that are keeping
these oil barons in business. Someone had to send them
a message. First question, Wow, these are a mess right,
evil Canada.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
We've been doing business with Canada for many years. We
may have small differences, but we're really cut from the
same cloth.
Speaker 8 (26:19):
So you're okay with Canada. Canada's fine. Well, what would
you do if your daughter had her health care paid
for by the government? As a father? How could you
live with yourself?
Speaker 15 (26:32):
I could live with that, and you call yourself an American?
You disgusted me, sir. Also, do you have some Kleenex
because I am starting to congeal a little bit here. Sure,
the propaganda sounds great until you talk to those who've
managed to escape the evil Maple regime.
Speaker 8 (26:52):
So you're Canadian.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
Refugees, h Yeah, we're from Trona. Ye're born to Renstrom.
Speaker 8 (27:00):
What was it like living in that repressive regime?
Speaker 1 (27:06):
What's the what's the show all the boat?
Speaker 8 (27:09):
Yeah, it's it's The Daily Show with John Stewart.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
Oh that's that shore. They make you look silly? Can
you look stupid? Yeah, we're just a bunch of Canadian hors.
Speaker 11 (27:23):
Go home.
Speaker 5 (27:24):
Yankee.
Speaker 8 (27:27):
I felt that same anger on the Canadian street where
America has become the scapegoat for all of Canada's problems.
Why are you angry at America? A lot of reasons.
Number one, Vancouver cannucts.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
We want the Nardique back. He took the Winnipeg Jets.
That was a little bit too much golf scull. You
a hockey fan, No.
Speaker 8 (27:49):
I'm American. Just as terrorists are taught around the world,
here a new generation of Kanuco fascists are being trained
to hate. Clearly, it's just a matter of time before
they strike.
Speaker 20 (28:02):
I think they are more afraid of us than we
are of them, to be honest.
Speaker 8 (28:06):
So what you're saying we should invade Canada before Canada
invades US, I got. I think that's all I need
right there. Yes, as Americans, we simply have no other choice.
Speaker 1 (28:17):
Americans have a choice, a personal choice.
Speaker 13 (28:20):
Every individual has a choice to use fossil fuels or
not done.
Speaker 8 (28:24):
All right, easy, We'll stop using your oil.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
Let me give you an example of what that might mean.
Speaker 13 (28:28):
Though obvious transportation means would have to change your cell phone,
video games, MP three players, your iPad. All these things
are made from a petrochemical or petroleum based products.
Speaker 8 (28:38):
What about anyone porn that would be gone. I was
beginning to see petro politics in a whole new light.
Maybe Canada wasn't so bad after all.
Speaker 11 (28:51):
Oh Canada, Canada, Canada, now now, now, now, now, I.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
Do want to congratulate Canada. First office a thrilling overtime victory.
They claimed the gold in men's ice hockey. The women's
team Canadian team also won gold. They truly are good
at hockey. So to Canada, I offer you my congratulations
and say you are the kings and the queens of
(29:27):
the ice. The one caveat I would like to mention
is that spring is coming.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
And with it the fall, and then you're back on
tarra firma.
Speaker 4 (29:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:43):
And when the ice is gone, good luck at beating
us at roller hockey or whatever it is you play them.
I actually made a bet, this was one of those
dumb bets, with the Mayor of Vancouver, that if the
US won the gold medal ice hockey, he would send
me a case of maple syrup, and if Canada won,
I would give him one hundred million dollars. Jokes on, you, bitch,
(30:07):
they're American dollars.
Speaker 8 (30:10):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching the Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 6 (30:16):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven.
Speaker 8 (30:18):
Ten Central on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime
on Paramount Plus.
Speaker 1 (30:27):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast show
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