May 17, 2025 • 30 mins
Nothing hits quite like a trial of the century. Take a look back at some of The Daily Show's coverage of celebrity justice.
Rob Cordry learns from the experts camping outside the Michael Jackson trial. Jon Stewart examines how the media is covering the proceedings. Ed Helms chips in analysis and punnery.
Jon analyzes the coverage of the Martha Stewart trial with help from Stephen Colbert. Sam Bee and Rob Cordry chime in with updates on their round the clock surveillance of Martha's home.
Jon digs in to the Michael Vick allegations. Trevor Noah gives updates on Meek Mill and Bill Cosby, and wraps up with coverage of the Harvey Weinstein trial.
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Now.
Speaker 3 (00:08):
The Michael Jackson trial, a trial of the century like
this only comes around one or two times a year.
It was my shot at the big time five thirty am.
I wasted no time going in depth with Dinmark Jackson
supporters whose otherwise productive lives have been put on hold
by the trial of a man whose music they like.
Speaker 4 (00:32):
I moved out here for the trial.
Speaker 5 (00:33):
So I've been here through every pre trial here and
every jury selection and every day of court.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
So you've seen everything everything. Were you there for the molestation?
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Excuse me?
Speaker 3 (00:43):
So how long have you been here for the trial?
Speaker 1 (00:49):
So?
Speaker 3 (00:49):
What's your favorite Michael Jackson song?
Speaker 6 (00:52):
Unbreakable and you're not alone?
Speaker 3 (00:54):
Unbreakable and you're not alone? So do you think you
jacked that kid?
Speaker 4 (00:56):
Off?
Speaker 3 (00:58):
Daybreak? The media buzzing, lights up, reporters, mike cameras, rolling
news about to break.
Speaker 7 (01:07):
And nothing.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
As the new guy, I wasn't sure what came next. Luckily,
the experienced trial media was happy to give me some pointers. Hi,
I'm with a daily show. Will you guys, Will you
guys talk to us on camera? Do you mind answering
a couple questions on camera?
Speaker 8 (01:28):
Hello?
Speaker 3 (01:28):
Somebody throw me a bone with a Daily show shut down.
I guess they didn't want the Daily Show turning this
thing into a circus. No one would speak to me except.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Mine's Peter Bow's what for the BBC?
Speaker 3 (01:44):
The BBC the absolute bottom of the news barrel.
Speaker 9 (01:50):
Television cameras, a bottom from the culture.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
You can't bring television cameras inside the courtroom.
Speaker 5 (01:53):
No cameras.
Speaker 10 (01:54):
But that's not surprise.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
It's really helping these days.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
No, no, no, no, whoa, whoa?
Speaker 4 (01:58):
I mean, what are we doing here?
Speaker 6 (02:00):
What?
Speaker 4 (02:00):
How are we gonna cover that?
Speaker 3 (02:01):
How am I supposed to cover this thing?
Speaker 10 (02:02):
What we're all doing is setting up our cameras. See
Michael Jackson walk in the courtroom in the morning, wave,
give the peace sign, and then walk buck out again
at night.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
Wow, that seems worth it. So I waited. The pressure
was building. Hey, my holy ash man, I gotta go
drop the kids off the poor cool thank.
Speaker 11 (02:22):
You bittle.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
No, no, no, not no, not now, come on, I'm
not done. I'm not done. I'm not done.
Speaker 11 (02:49):
No good.
Speaker 3 (02:54):
I told you guys to get me. I'd blown Jackson CenTra.
It's damn my spastic colon. I strapped on a diaper
and followed Jackson inside.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Oh hey, Hi, how's it going good.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
I'm just going on the trial.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
No badge, you can't let you through.
Speaker 3 (03:12):
Well, I'm not here for that trial. I'm here for
the triple ripe homicide.
Speaker 12 (03:16):
Then we have to go around the back and use
different interests.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Okay, actually I am on the witness last. My name
is Macaulay Culkin.
Speaker 13 (03:22):
If you can check that, all.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Right, they'd take you through the back on that one
as well.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Locked out with eight hours to go and nothing to do, heydymine,
I'm trying to get inside MJ's head. Okay, it's called research.
I was at a loss. Then it occurred to me, WWGD,
(03:46):
what would Heraldo do?
Speaker 14 (03:48):
Tom Seddon has something that I don't know, and Michael
Jackson is convicted.
Speaker 15 (03:52):
I'll shave off my mustache, So what are you gonna shave?
Speaker 9 (03:55):
I haven't made up my mind yet, and I haven't
made predictions for the outcome, so I'm not gonna answer
that question yet.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
I'm taking that I'm gonna shave my nutstash three hours
until the money shot, ample time to craft the kind
of insightful legal journalism that's been a hallmark of this trial.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
It is a legal thriller.
Speaker 12 (04:11):
Oh he's bad all right, promises to be a thriller.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
If Jackson can't beat it, a conviction could mean the
end of his purple rain.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Whack purple rains proved.
Speaker 3 (04:22):
It remains to be seen whether the prosecution can prove
that Michael Jackson fondled this pyt. What the jury heard
is that when it comes to pre pubescent cancer victims,
as far as Michael Jackson is concerned, it doesn't matter
if you're black or white. Second four fifty nine, one
minute to departure. Time to videotape Michael Jackson from a
(04:45):
distance and yelled questions at him, Michael, if you're guilty,
keep walking?
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Got it?
Speaker 3 (04:54):
Good work everyone, good work. Wow, let's get over a
full specter trial.
Speaker 7 (04:58):
Okay, Whacko's going down, all right, I'm.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
Buying the beards.
Speaker 5 (05:11):
We turn our attention now to legal matters, the criminal
justice system. There are three separate but equally important groups.
The police investigate crime, the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders,
and the media turned the whole thing into an ungodly cluster,
and it was mainly that last one on display in
Santa Maria, California. This morning is the Michael Jackson child
(05:31):
molestation drop.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Again.
Speaker 5 (05:32):
Over eleven hundred credentialed reporters are on handcovering the trial,
more than twice as many as are stationed with US
troops in Iraq, although, to be fair by all reports,
there is a growing insurgency in Michael Jackson's pants. As always,
the media is disgusted with itself.
Speaker 9 (05:54):
We're going to preview what's sure to be a major
media circles, going to be a media circus. Think one
thousand media credentials.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
It's Norway, Spain, Ireland and media circus and media circus.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
Hungarian TV is here to.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Be a huge media circus, media circus. This is truly
an all out war.
Speaker 4 (06:10):
Japan has five crews.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
Do you guys love the high profile trials as much
as we do?
Speaker 1 (06:15):
The media circus.
Speaker 5 (06:18):
Said two dwarves dressed as raggedy Ann and Andy charged
with comically falling into elephant droppings in the third ring.
Don't demean us with that analogy. Today's opening statements followed
last week's impaneling of a jury comprised of one Asian,
three Hispanics, and eight white people.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
A reasonably fair panel, given how.
Speaker 5 (06:38):
Hard it would have been to round up a jury
of Jackson's actual peers.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
That was Gonzo. Gonzo couldn't get out of Jerry duty.
Speaker 5 (06:54):
The celebrity isn't limited to the defendant. Jackson's legal team
is rumored to be preparing a star studded lineup of
character The may include Smokey Robinson, Stevie Wonder, Elizabeth Taylor,
Eddie Murphy, and even Jay. Leno has been known to
take a pot shot at Jackson from time to time,
specifically every night from eleven thirty to eleven forty five,
five days a week. Mister Leno can not be reached
for comment, though his band leader Kevin Eubanks released a
(07:16):
statement saying quote can't be reached for comment. Man. But
of course, the big entertainment story the Michael Jackson trial.
With a verdict pending in the case, the singer was
dramatically rushed to a hospital last night. Daily Show senior
gecologist Ed Helms has been covering the trial.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
He joins us now from California.
Speaker 5 (07:41):
Ed Helms, thanks so much for joining us.
Speaker 11 (07:44):
John.
Speaker 12 (07:44):
I'm outside the hospital where it has been recorded that
that's right, John Jacko had an a tacko in his BACKO.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
That's very clever.
Speaker 16 (07:57):
Guys.
Speaker 12 (07:57):
Yes, I understand he's filled his hospital room with his
personal bric o'bracco.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Took it too far, ed very clever. How was mister
Jackson hurt?
Speaker 12 (08:12):
There was a collision, John, specifically, the collision between the innocent,
eternal ten year old boy Jackson thought he was and
the disturbing forty six year old Simi Caucasian adult male
he just found out he actually is. That's one of
those where you're reading the court transcripts really gonna get
you right there.
Speaker 5 (08:32):
So you're saying that Jackson's medical condition is really psychosomatic,
essentially imagining.
Speaker 12 (08:37):
No, John Jackson's back pain is real. It's his life
that's been imaginary until now. Mister Jackson had believed himself
to be Captain EO, the planetary defender of childhood wonder
piggyback rides and wishing trees. Imagine the trauma to his
system upon learning he has no actual military rank whatsoever,
(09:00):
and that Neverland is not the domain of the Lost Boys,
but is in fact under the jurisdiction of the Santa
Barbara District Attorney's office.
Speaker 5 (09:09):
But at these epiphanies that Jackson is having, are they
just bringing.
Speaker 12 (09:13):
On a despondency, a sadness, John, but also anger. I'm
sure somewhere Jackson is thinking, Hey, OJ killed two people
and went free. Now they're gonna put me away just
for a couple of teenage reach arounds. Where's the justice, John?
Speaker 1 (09:35):
And even if.
Speaker 5 (09:35):
Jackson has found innocent, though, is there really any way
for him to recover?
Speaker 4 (09:40):
Well?
Speaker 12 (09:40):
Ultimately, John, if Jacko wants to avoid further flaco from
the media, Paco, he's simply going to have to stop
having young boys in the saco and also make sure
there's no touching of his balls.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
John, Thank you very much. Ed Helms. Everybody live from California.
Speaker 6 (10:05):
The uh.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
The last one doesn't even run.
Speaker 5 (10:13):
We begin to night, of course, with the news that's
dominated headlines ever since Friday afternoons stunning announcement.
Speaker 14 (10:21):
Number one not guilty for Martha Stewart on the conspiracy charts.
That's count one not guilty for Martha Stewart.
Speaker 5 (10:32):
There you have it, CNBC reporting Martha Stewart not guilty. Yes,
in their gleeful rush to be the first to let
you know if Martha Stewart's life would be crushed or not.
Some news organizations misinterpreted these incredibly sophisticated communicais.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
From their representatives, but the fact remains.
Speaker 5 (10:53):
Martha Stewart was found guilty Friday of four counts of
obstructing justice, conspiracy, making false statements, and.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
Poorly accessory. Stuart was charged.
Speaker 5 (11:08):
All right, really, that makes you feel better, please?
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Stuart was charged.
Speaker 5 (11:20):
Not with insider trading, but rather relying to protect herself
from the insider trading charges.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
She wasn't charged with.
Speaker 5 (11:32):
Damn you circular logic. Throughout the trial, the press has
behaved admirably and that trend continued with their post verdict coverage.
Speaker 6 (11:45):
How do you think Martha Stewart will be received? Being
the fact that she's rich, she's famous, she's enormously successful,
and by the way, she's a very attractive sixty two
year old woman.
Speaker 5 (12:03):
May I say kudos to CBS to CBS is the
Early Show. That's the kind of female prison rape reference
you're just not gonna get on any old morning show.
Prosecutor David Kelly hailed the verdict as a triumph of justice.
Speaker 16 (12:21):
The victims in this case is the entire American public
who relies on the integrity of our system to make
sure that justice is done and that they can invest
their money safely and securely, knowing that it's being handled honestly.
Speaker 5 (12:35):
He added, Now Field, excuse me, I have to go
arrest every single other person on Wall Street. By the way,
one thing that we should all know about this attorney
David Kelly, very proud of his left ear. Meanwhile, meanwhile,
(12:57):
Stewart's attorney tried to look on the bright side of
his failure.
Speaker 17 (13:02):
We are disappointed at the outcome. We look at this
as having lost the first round. We look at this
as an opportunity for us to go to the next rounds.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
It's not a conviction, it's an opportunity.
Speaker 5 (13:18):
In the meantime, of course, Martha will not be shipped
off to prison, but rather relocated to an exclusive, gated
community with its.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
Own private security force.
Speaker 5 (13:28):
Now, the Stewart verdict was a big story when it
came out on Friday, But imagine a nightmare world in
which you'd been forced to wait for that verdict one
minute longer. Well, Thankfully, that horrific scenario never unfolded thanks
to reporters inside the courtroom who, despite a band on
cameras and cell phones, devised an accurate, fool proof system.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
To notify their colleagues of the result.
Speaker 5 (13:53):
Yes, color coded scarves and numbered signs.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Yeah, it's exciting. Look at me.
Speaker 8 (14:01):
I'm Edward Olmorrow, whoa.
Speaker 5 (14:05):
Not the most dignified moment for America's press corps, though
their actions did lead to the successful arrival at the
courthouse of United flight four for one from San Diego, Okay.
So the sight of professional reporters running out of a
courthouse waving their clothes in the air was a tad unseemly,
(14:26):
but the important thing was it led to accurate reporting.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
Not guilty guilty all right.
Speaker 5 (14:33):
MSNBC did put up a not guilty graphic for a
few seconds while they tried to figure everything out, But CNBC,
their news channel, focused on finance.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
This was right up their alley.
Speaker 5 (14:44):
Plus they were posted right across the street from the courthouse.
I'm sure they got it right.
Speaker 14 (14:50):
Number one not guilty for Martha Stewart on the conspiracy charge.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
That's count one.
Speaker 14 (14:55):
Not guilty for Martha Stewart. Count two on count fool
she is that is.
Speaker 16 (15:03):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 14 (15:04):
Martha on count three is guilty. That is the guilty Michael,
I'm sorry, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty guilty count count five
is not guilty.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
And let me just make sure.
Speaker 18 (15:17):
I want to make sure I get this absolutely right.
That is against Peter mc kannevic. He is not guilty
on count five. That is the count of making false statements,
not guilty. It's a tremendous mixed bag here false documents.
Speaker 14 (15:30):
Okay, hang on, I'm being told that Peter mc kannovic
is not guilty on the count of making and using
false documents. That was that at sixty. Martha is guilty.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
On count eight.
Speaker 16 (15:41):
I have just been told she is.
Speaker 14 (15:43):
Guilty on count eight, but not guilty.
Speaker 17 (15:49):
Okay, all charges for Martha Stewart.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
I apologize.
Speaker 18 (15:53):
The confusion out here is immense.
Speaker 14 (15:56):
But now I'm being told that Martha Stewart is guilty
on conspiracy charge. Guilty of every single charge against us.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
Mate.
Speaker 14 (16:03):
So Frank as a cameraman here, if we could go
over this one more time starting Martha Stewart, Yes.
Speaker 16 (16:09):
Let me just interrupt you for one second, because.
Speaker 14 (16:11):
Not guilty on the account of making false statements, not
guilty on making and using false documents, guilty on the
counterpertury and guilty on the obstruction of justice charge false statements.
Speaker 19 (16:24):
All right, Michael heads very much.
Speaker 10 (16:25):
I'm gonna get you to hold on for just one seconds.
Speaker 5 (16:35):
As a seasoned observer of these kinds of trials, you
know what he could have done to.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
Make things a little easier for himself.
Speaker 5 (16:42):
Put down the billboards and walk across the street to
the actual courthouse.
Speaker 13 (16:47):
You siguus.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
For more.
Speaker 5 (16:55):
For more on the trial and the way it was covered,
we go to daily shows. Senior correspondent Stephen Colbert live outside.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
The house here in New York. Stephen John, thanks for
joining us.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
John.
Speaker 7 (17:03):
Before we're talking about the trial, I'd like to apologize
to you. I know, we agreed ahead of time that
if the verdict was guilty, I would wave a red flag,
and if it was innocent, weave a blue flag. But
in the excitement of the moment, I came out waving
the severed head of a cat, which obviously can be
interpreted any.
Speaker 15 (17:20):
Number of ways.
Speaker 7 (17:22):
I'm sorry to have put you in that position.
Speaker 4 (17:24):
It won't happen again.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Um, yeah, that.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Won't happen again.
Speaker 5 (17:30):
Well, thank you, Steven. Your apologies accepted. But let's move on.
Speaker 7 (17:33):
To the trigogy, and I should apologize to that woman
I knocked over in my haste to report on this story.
Though in my defense, who parks their wheelchair at the
top of the courthouse staffs. You'd think an eighty year
old would know better. Anyway, my condolences to her family
and to the families of those she struck on the
(17:54):
way down. There's a lot of steps, John.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
That sounds like a terrible accident.
Speaker 5 (18:02):
It was, but it brings up a good point, Steven,
the frantic rush amongst reporters to get this story out
in the air, literally a millisecond or two before the
other guys. Was that urgency in any way necessary?
Speaker 7 (18:14):
No, it wasn't, John, and highlights a disturbing trend that's
all too obvious in the media these days. The viewers
are completely out of control.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Did you say I'm sorry? Did you say the viewers? Yes?
Speaker 7 (18:28):
John, I'm just as shocked as you at how aggressive
the viewers have become. They're constantly beating us down with
unrealistic demands for immediacy. I didn't take four years of
journalism courses at five different community colleges just to jump
around on some courthouse steps. Waving flags and cat heads
like a maniac. Okay, this trial, like all too many
(18:50):
of these days, turned into just another viewer's.
Speaker 5 (18:53):
Circus, Stephen, I just don't see how you can blame
the viewers for any of this.
Speaker 7 (19:00):
Stop kidding yourself, John. They're out there right now watching us,
waiting for the next tidbit.
Speaker 3 (19:08):
What was her emotional estate?
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Or are they real?
Speaker 7 (19:12):
And if I don't deliver it, they'll just click around
until you find somebody else, won't you viewers.
Speaker 11 (19:18):
Oh?
Speaker 7 (19:18):
I can feel your eyes on me like dirty little hands,
pawing at my pockets, strip searching me for any little detail,
no matter how irrelevant. Well, you can have your insatiable
desire for sleeves, you can have your salacious rumors about
Martha Stewart's private life, and you can have it tomorrow
night at seven on my special Stephen Paulbert reports Martha
(19:41):
Stewart under the lenin. Remember that's at seven and again
at eight.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Well that's I'm sorry. Say then, hold on seven?
Speaker 5 (19:58):
Are you are you getting are you getting more news
about the trial?
Speaker 6 (20:01):
No?
Speaker 7 (20:02):
John, I'm actually just signaling the paramedics. Evidently I'm standing
on a baby.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
John, Thank you very much, Stephen Colbert. We'll be right by.
Speaker 5 (20:15):
Martha Stewart, public Enemy number seven fifty two, was released
from prison last Friday and has apparently been on television
ever since. She is now under house arrest at her
estate in New York's Westchester County. We go now to
Samantha be live outside of Martha Stewart's house.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Samantha, thanks for joining us.
Speaker 12 (20:34):
Thank you, John.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
I've been capped out here since Martha Stewart entered her
house on Friday. If anything happens, I'm gonna.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Let you know. Has anything happened? Yes, John, take a.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Look at this shocking footage our cameras were able to
capture just moments ago. I don't know where she's going,
and I can't see her feet, so I can't even
tell you if she's in heels or flats, might be slippers.
I'll keep you posted.
Speaker 5 (21:13):
Why are you pointing your cameras into the woman's living room.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
That's intrusive.
Speaker 2 (21:17):
No, I just I don't know, John, But perhaps Rob
Pordrey has him insight. He's standing by in The Daily Show.
Martha Center twenty six hundred.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
I'm sorry, Martha.
Speaker 3 (21:25):
What the Martha Center twenty six hundred, John, this will
be our home base of operations during the entire house arrest.
I'll be reviewing the footage taken by our fiber optic cameras,
analyzing the thermal scans to pinpoint Martha's locations at all times,
and sifting through the data collected by the Martha Start kalanoscope.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
John.
Speaker 3 (21:45):
That's assuming, of course, that we can get it installed.
Speaker 15 (21:50):
Now. John.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
In that footage you just saw Martha passed by this
windowed area here, obviously going from one side to the other.
Perhaps there was something on the other end of the room.
She needed a whisk, or some polished gravel in a
frosted vase, or perhaps a set of bleached beeswalks, jelly
(22:13):
jar candles. I don't know, it's too early to tell.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
John, Rob. Aren't you supposed to be in Lebanon? John?
Speaker 3 (22:21):
Did you know for the price of a flight to Lebanon,
you can get a whole Martha Center twenty six hundred, Yeah, Aura,
or two Martha Center thirteen hundreds, John, So easy and
all you need.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Sorry, Sorry, Rob, I've got some breaking news. I've just
gotten word that the situation inside is developing. Let's go
to our live feed and see what's happening. Okay, looks
like she's crossing back and we have lost visual. I repate,
we have lost visual. We are at code Vermilion. Mother
swan is on the move.
Speaker 3 (22:55):
Get me positioned, alpha on screen, Position alpha on screen.
Stap stand great team, great team. I need parabolics.
Speaker 11 (23:04):
Around the perimeter.
Speaker 10 (23:05):
Go the mother twe is on the move.
Speaker 6 (23:07):
Chopper ten, go news Dan go.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Baby bird has left the nest. The groundhog is estivating.
The groundhog is estivating.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Okay, where are we people?
Speaker 3 (23:19):
If I can't have visil, give me some audio prompto,
go go, go, go go what we have a white
shot on screen?
Speaker 8 (23:35):
Okay, stand down, people, condition normalize. Nice work, everybody, good work,
good work. Well so, John, you can see the drills
have paid off.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
We're gonna be right on top of this thing for
the next five months.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
Oh, thank you both very much. Samantha Be and Rob Cordory.
We appreciate it.
Speaker 5 (23:58):
By now you've probably heard Michael Vick pleading guilty the
charges relating to running in illegal dog fighting operation. The
details of the story horrific. What happened to these animals tragic.
Despite Vic's immediate denials, it seems he is guilty of
acts of depravity and immorality, leaving but one question in
the mind of NBC Sunday Night sportscasters. We're looking at
(24:21):
Michael Vick not showing up in the NFL again until
twenty ten. My god, that's almost twenty eight dog years
from now. I guess because of how horrified the NFL
is about the dog fighting, No doubt.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
Peter, what about the gambling though the dog fighting might
be the least of his concern.
Speaker 5 (24:47):
Yeah, you know, I used to enjoy the dog fighting.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
I bring the kids, have a little lunch, you'll make
a picnic out of it. And then the gambling came along. Yeah, Sully,
the whole thing.
Speaker 3 (25:00):
You said it absolutely right. I'm told that the league
is as concerned, maybe more so, about the gambling aspect
of this, than about the dog fighting.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Are you me.
Speaker 5 (25:12):
It's not the dog fighting, it's the gambling. So the
league is less offended by dog fighting than it is
by this. Really, I don't mind you killing each other, but.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
Never be no batting.
Speaker 5 (25:27):
The worst thing actually isn't the gambling, and it isn't
a dog fighting.
Speaker 1 (25:31):
It's what Vic could do next.
Speaker 12 (25:33):
Tick if he did that if he did roll over
on a current player, what impact would that have on
his career?
Speaker 16 (25:39):
Once it's resumed, someone will sign him, but he will
be blackballed.
Speaker 20 (25:42):
He will not be welcome in any NFL locker room.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
If he bailed on other players.
Speaker 18 (25:49):
He'd killed dogs with his beards.
Speaker 5 (25:55):
But he wouldn't bail on other players, would he.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
I'm told that VI will not do this.
Speaker 10 (26:01):
He's a loyal guy.
Speaker 5 (26:05):
Well, you know, if it's loyalty that the NFL really wants,
maybe they could just get a.
Speaker 10 (26:10):
H In the lost couple of days, you may have
heard the name Meek Mill in the news, and if
you were just hearing it for the first time, you
were probably thinking, meeck Mill, is that a gluten free
granola bar or something? You know, It's like here at
(26:32):
meek Mill, we only use the gentlest Oats and Berry's.
But no, Meek Mill is a big time Philadelphia rapper
who just dropped a surprise release.
Speaker 9 (26:40):
Well known rapper Meek Mill, whose imprisonment on gun and
drug charges drew widespread protests, celebrated his freedom last night
at an NBA game. Hours earlier, Pennsylvania's Supreme Court ordered
the thirty year olds release. The court sided credibility problems
with a key witness in his original trial ten years.
Speaker 6 (26:58):
Ago, he met with comedian Kevin Hart in the locker room.
Speaker 12 (27:06):
Does that revolved?
Speaker 6 (27:07):
No?
Speaker 11 (27:08):
Damn?
Speaker 1 (27:09):
Who is Kevin Hart's agent?
Speaker 10 (27:10):
He's even starring in Mill's prison release.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
He's everywhere.
Speaker 10 (27:15):
But the story really is great news, not just for
Meek Mill, but also for advocates of criminal justice reform,
because Meek Mill had become a symbol of a system
that tries to keep people in prison rather than genuinely
giving them a second chance. And Meek Mill's release wasn't
the only good news for justice today.
Speaker 21 (27:32):
A verdict in the retrial of comedian Bill Cosby. The
Man has now been found guilty on all charges against him,
guilty of sexual assault, three second degree felonies. He faces
the possibility of up to thirty years in prison for
his crimes.
Speaker 10 (27:49):
Yep, Bill Cosby guilty. So I guess once again he's
given us a classic heartwarming ending. So it's officially over
for Bill Cosby now. I mean, because whether he goes
to jail or not, the show shameful title of sexual
predator will hang over his head forever, so he can't
do anything now except maybe run for presidents. Harvey Weinstein,
(28:11):
disgraced Hollywood producer and man who's somehow ugly on the inside.
His sexual assault trial has just begun here in New York,
and Harvey is already on the judge's bad side.
Speaker 13 (28:23):
Jury's selection in Harvey Weinstein's sexual assault trial resumes today.
After some drama in court. The judge threatened to revoke
the Hollywood producer's bell Tuesday because he kept using his
phone in court. The judge said, quote, is this really
the way you want to end up in jail? By texting?
Weinstein's team calls it a misunderstanding.
Speaker 10 (28:41):
Yeah, Harvey Weinstein got into trouble yesterday because he kept
pulling his phone out in court because apparently he can't
keep anything in his pants. I actually feel bad for
the judge in the situation because you have to uphold
the law but then also be a middle school teacher.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
You know, it's just like, are you texting? Give me
a phone?
Speaker 15 (28:58):
You spin out your gum, and oh you just stop
jerking off.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Harvey. Come on, I will tell you this is how
you know. Phones are addictive.
Speaker 10 (29:06):
Though, this guy's on trial for his life and he's
sitting in that coult room.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
Like I could go to prison forever. I wonder what
Disney character I am. Let's see, oh Ushula, I should
have known.
Speaker 10 (29:22):
And let's move on from people celebrating their freedom to
someone who's going to be losing his for a long time.
Speaker 19 (29:28):
Disgraced movie mogul Harvey Weinstein has been found guilty of
rape in the third degree and of committing a criminal
sexual act in the first degree. The jury acquitted him
on three other charges, including the most serious of predatory
sexual assault.
Speaker 20 (29:42):
Throughout the whole process, he kept saying, I didn't do this,
I didn't do this. But of course now he faces
five to twenty five years in prison at least, with
more possibly coming with additional charges new charges out in
Los Angeles.
Speaker 10 (29:55):
Yes, people, it's official. Harvey Weinstein is going to prison,
which is crazy because he already looks like he's been
in prison for twenty five years. Seriously, Weinstein is not
gonna do well in prison, all right, partly because other
prisoners already don't like sex offenders, but they rarely don't
like some of Hobvey Weinstein movies. Yeah, they're gonna come
(30:15):
up to him in the prison yard.
Speaker 15 (30:16):
Like I've wasted nine dollars on Mansfield Park.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
That show was a discretion to Jane Austin. You know
what it'll be.
Speaker 10 (30:23):
Funny is if they lock up Weinstein in the same.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
Cell as Bill Cosby.
Speaker 10 (30:27):
Yeah, because then I can tell you then no one
is falling asleep in that cell.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
You go to sleep, No, you go to sleep. Now,
you go to sleep. No, you go to sleep. No.
Speaker 15 (30:36):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount
Speaker 9 (30:49):
Plus Paramount Podcasts
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Now.
Speaker 3 (00:08):
The Michael Jackson trial, a trial of the century like
this only comes around one or two times a year.
It was my shot at the big time five thirty am.
I wasted no time going in depth with Dinmark Jackson
supporters whose otherwise productive lives have been put on hold
by the trial of a man whose music they like.
Speaker 4 (00:32):
I moved out here for the trial.
Speaker 5 (00:33):
So I've been here through every pre trial here and
every jury selection and every day of court.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
So you've seen everything everything. Were you there for the molestation?
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Excuse me?
Speaker 3 (00:43):
So how long have you been here for the trial?
Speaker 1 (00:49):
So?
Speaker 3 (00:49):
What's your favorite Michael Jackson song?
Speaker 6 (00:52):
Unbreakable and you're not alone?
Speaker 3 (00:54):
Unbreakable and you're not alone? So do you think you
jacked that kid?
Speaker 4 (00:56):
Off?
Speaker 3 (00:58):
Daybreak? The media buzzing, lights up, reporters, mike cameras, rolling
news about to break.
Speaker 7 (01:07):
And nothing.
Speaker 3 (01:12):
As the new guy, I wasn't sure what came next. Luckily,
the experienced trial media was happy to give me some pointers. Hi,
I'm with a daily show. Will you guys, Will you
guys talk to us on camera? Do you mind answering
a couple questions on camera?
Speaker 8 (01:28):
Hello?
Speaker 3 (01:28):
Somebody throw me a bone with a Daily show shut down.
I guess they didn't want the Daily Show turning this
thing into a circus. No one would speak to me except.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Mine's Peter Bow's what for the BBC?
Speaker 3 (01:44):
The BBC the absolute bottom of the news barrel.
Speaker 9 (01:50):
Television cameras, a bottom from the culture.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
You can't bring television cameras inside the courtroom.
Speaker 5 (01:53):
No cameras.
Speaker 10 (01:54):
But that's not surprise.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
It's really helping these days.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
No, no, no, no, whoa, whoa?
Speaker 4 (01:58):
I mean, what are we doing here?
Speaker 6 (02:00):
What?
Speaker 4 (02:00):
How are we gonna cover that?
Speaker 3 (02:01):
How am I supposed to cover this thing?
Speaker 10 (02:02):
What we're all doing is setting up our cameras. See
Michael Jackson walk in the courtroom in the morning, wave,
give the peace sign, and then walk buck out again
at night.
Speaker 3 (02:09):
Wow, that seems worth it. So I waited. The pressure
was building. Hey, my holy ash man, I gotta go
drop the kids off the poor cool thank.
Speaker 11 (02:22):
You bittle.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
No, no, no, not no, not now, come on, I'm
not done. I'm not done. I'm not done.
Speaker 11 (02:49):
No good.
Speaker 3 (02:54):
I told you guys to get me. I'd blown Jackson CenTra.
It's damn my spastic colon. I strapped on a diaper
and followed Jackson inside.
Speaker 1 (03:06):
Oh hey, Hi, how's it going good.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
I'm just going on the trial.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
No badge, you can't let you through.
Speaker 3 (03:12):
Well, I'm not here for that trial. I'm here for
the triple ripe homicide.
Speaker 12 (03:16):
Then we have to go around the back and use
different interests.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Okay, actually I am on the witness last. My name
is Macaulay Culkin.
Speaker 13 (03:22):
If you can check that, all.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
Right, they'd take you through the back on that one
as well.
Speaker 3 (03:26):
Locked out with eight hours to go and nothing to do, heydymine,
I'm trying to get inside MJ's head. Okay, it's called research.
I was at a loss. Then it occurred to me, WWGD,
(03:46):
what would Heraldo do?
Speaker 14 (03:48):
Tom Seddon has something that I don't know, and Michael
Jackson is convicted.
Speaker 15 (03:52):
I'll shave off my mustache, So what are you gonna shave?
Speaker 9 (03:55):
I haven't made up my mind yet, and I haven't
made predictions for the outcome, so I'm not gonna answer
that question yet.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
I'm taking that I'm gonna shave my nutstash three hours
until the money shot, ample time to craft the kind
of insightful legal journalism that's been a hallmark of this trial.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
It is a legal thriller.
Speaker 12 (04:11):
Oh he's bad all right, promises to be a thriller.
Speaker 3 (04:14):
If Jackson can't beat it, a conviction could mean the
end of his purple rain.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Whack purple rains proved.
Speaker 3 (04:22):
It remains to be seen whether the prosecution can prove
that Michael Jackson fondled this pyt. What the jury heard
is that when it comes to pre pubescent cancer victims,
as far as Michael Jackson is concerned, it doesn't matter
if you're black or white. Second four fifty nine, one
minute to departure. Time to videotape Michael Jackson from a
(04:45):
distance and yelled questions at him, Michael, if you're guilty,
keep walking?
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Got it?
Speaker 3 (04:54):
Good work everyone, good work. Wow, let's get over a
full specter trial.
Speaker 7 (04:58):
Okay, Whacko's going down, all right, I'm.
Speaker 3 (05:03):
Buying the beards.
Speaker 5 (05:11):
We turn our attention now to legal matters, the criminal
justice system. There are three separate but equally important groups.
The police investigate crime, the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders,
and the media turned the whole thing into an ungodly cluster,
and it was mainly that last one on display in
Santa Maria, California. This morning is the Michael Jackson child
(05:31):
molestation drop.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
Again.
Speaker 5 (05:32):
Over eleven hundred credentialed reporters are on handcovering the trial,
more than twice as many as are stationed with US
troops in Iraq, although, to be fair by all reports,
there is a growing insurgency in Michael Jackson's pants. As always,
the media is disgusted with itself.
Speaker 9 (05:54):
We're going to preview what's sure to be a major
media circles, going to be a media circus. Think one
thousand media credentials.
Speaker 2 (06:01):
It's Norway, Spain, Ireland and media circus and media circus.
Speaker 3 (06:04):
Hungarian TV is here to.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
Be a huge media circus, media circus. This is truly
an all out war.
Speaker 4 (06:10):
Japan has five crews.
Speaker 3 (06:12):
Do you guys love the high profile trials as much
as we do?
Speaker 1 (06:15):
The media circus.
Speaker 5 (06:18):
Said two dwarves dressed as raggedy Ann and Andy charged
with comically falling into elephant droppings in the third ring.
Don't demean us with that analogy. Today's opening statements followed
last week's impaneling of a jury comprised of one Asian,
three Hispanics, and eight white people.
Speaker 1 (06:37):
A reasonably fair panel, given how.
Speaker 5 (06:38):
Hard it would have been to round up a jury
of Jackson's actual peers.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
That was Gonzo. Gonzo couldn't get out of Jerry duty.
Speaker 5 (06:54):
The celebrity isn't limited to the defendant. Jackson's legal team
is rumored to be preparing a star studded lineup of
character The may include Smokey Robinson, Stevie Wonder, Elizabeth Taylor,
Eddie Murphy, and even Jay. Leno has been known to
take a pot shot at Jackson from time to time,
specifically every night from eleven thirty to eleven forty five,
five days a week. Mister Leno can not be reached
for comment, though his band leader Kevin Eubanks released a
(07:16):
statement saying quote can't be reached for comment. Man. But
of course, the big entertainment story the Michael Jackson trial.
With a verdict pending in the case, the singer was
dramatically rushed to a hospital last night. Daily Show senior
gecologist Ed Helms has been covering the trial.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
He joins us now from California.
Speaker 5 (07:41):
Ed Helms, thanks so much for joining us.
Speaker 11 (07:44):
John.
Speaker 12 (07:44):
I'm outside the hospital where it has been recorded that
that's right, John Jacko had an a tacko in his BACKO.
Speaker 1 (07:56):
That's very clever.
Speaker 16 (07:57):
Guys.
Speaker 12 (07:57):
Yes, I understand he's filled his hospital room with his
personal bric o'bracco.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Took it too far, ed very clever. How was mister
Jackson hurt?
Speaker 12 (08:12):
There was a collision, John, specifically, the collision between the innocent,
eternal ten year old boy Jackson thought he was and
the disturbing forty six year old Simi Caucasian adult male
he just found out he actually is. That's one of
those where you're reading the court transcripts really gonna get
you right there.
Speaker 5 (08:32):
So you're saying that Jackson's medical condition is really psychosomatic,
essentially imagining.
Speaker 12 (08:37):
No, John Jackson's back pain is real. It's his life
that's been imaginary until now. Mister Jackson had believed himself
to be Captain EO, the planetary defender of childhood wonder
piggyback rides and wishing trees. Imagine the trauma to his
system upon learning he has no actual military rank whatsoever,
(09:00):
and that Neverland is not the domain of the Lost Boys,
but is in fact under the jurisdiction of the Santa
Barbara District Attorney's office.
Speaker 5 (09:09):
But at these epiphanies that Jackson is having, are they
just bringing.
Speaker 12 (09:13):
On a despondency, a sadness, John, but also anger. I'm
sure somewhere Jackson is thinking, Hey, OJ killed two people
and went free. Now they're gonna put me away just
for a couple of teenage reach arounds. Where's the justice, John?
Speaker 1 (09:35):
And even if.
Speaker 5 (09:35):
Jackson has found innocent, though, is there really any way
for him to recover?
Speaker 4 (09:40):
Well?
Speaker 12 (09:40):
Ultimately, John, if Jacko wants to avoid further flaco from
the media, Paco, he's simply going to have to stop
having young boys in the saco and also make sure
there's no touching of his balls.
Speaker 1 (09:58):
John, Thank you very much. Ed Helms. Everybody live from California.
Speaker 6 (10:05):
The uh.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
The last one doesn't even run.
Speaker 5 (10:13):
We begin to night, of course, with the news that's
dominated headlines ever since Friday afternoons stunning announcement.
Speaker 14 (10:21):
Number one not guilty for Martha Stewart on the conspiracy charts.
That's count one not guilty for Martha Stewart.
Speaker 5 (10:32):
There you have it, CNBC reporting Martha Stewart not guilty. Yes,
in their gleeful rush to be the first to let
you know if Martha Stewart's life would be crushed or not.
Some news organizations misinterpreted these incredibly sophisticated communicais.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
From their representatives, but the fact remains.
Speaker 5 (10:53):
Martha Stewart was found guilty Friday of four counts of
obstructing justice, conspiracy, making false statements, and.
Speaker 1 (11:01):
Poorly accessory. Stuart was charged.
Speaker 5 (11:08):
All right, really, that makes you feel better, please?
Speaker 1 (11:18):
Stuart was charged.
Speaker 5 (11:20):
Not with insider trading, but rather relying to protect herself
from the insider trading charges.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
She wasn't charged with.
Speaker 5 (11:32):
Damn you circular logic. Throughout the trial, the press has
behaved admirably and that trend continued with their post verdict coverage.
Speaker 6 (11:45):
How do you think Martha Stewart will be received? Being
the fact that she's rich, she's famous, she's enormously successful,
and by the way, she's a very attractive sixty two
year old woman.
Speaker 5 (12:03):
May I say kudos to CBS to CBS is the
Early Show. That's the kind of female prison rape reference
you're just not gonna get on any old morning show.
Prosecutor David Kelly hailed the verdict as a triumph of justice.
Speaker 16 (12:21):
The victims in this case is the entire American public
who relies on the integrity of our system to make
sure that justice is done and that they can invest
their money safely and securely, knowing that it's being handled honestly.
Speaker 5 (12:35):
He added, Now Field, excuse me, I have to go
arrest every single other person on Wall Street. By the way,
one thing that we should all know about this attorney
David Kelly, very proud of his left ear. Meanwhile, meanwhile,
(12:57):
Stewart's attorney tried to look on the bright side of
his failure.
Speaker 17 (13:02):
We are disappointed at the outcome. We look at this
as having lost the first round. We look at this
as an opportunity for us to go to the next rounds.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
It's not a conviction, it's an opportunity.
Speaker 5 (13:18):
In the meantime, of course, Martha will not be shipped
off to prison, but rather relocated to an exclusive, gated
community with its.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
Own private security force.
Speaker 5 (13:28):
Now, the Stewart verdict was a big story when it
came out on Friday, But imagine a nightmare world in
which you'd been forced to wait for that verdict one
minute longer. Well, Thankfully, that horrific scenario never unfolded thanks
to reporters inside the courtroom who, despite a band on
cameras and cell phones, devised an accurate, fool proof system.
Speaker 1 (13:50):
To notify their colleagues of the result.
Speaker 5 (13:53):
Yes, color coded scarves and numbered signs.
Speaker 1 (13:58):
Yeah, it's exciting. Look at me.
Speaker 8 (14:01):
I'm Edward Olmorrow, whoa.
Speaker 5 (14:05):
Not the most dignified moment for America's press corps, though
their actions did lead to the successful arrival at the
courthouse of United flight four for one from San Diego, Okay.
So the sight of professional reporters running out of a
courthouse waving their clothes in the air was a tad unseemly,
(14:26):
but the important thing was it led to accurate reporting.
Speaker 3 (14:31):
Not guilty guilty all right.
Speaker 5 (14:33):
MSNBC did put up a not guilty graphic for a
few seconds while they tried to figure everything out, But CNBC,
their news channel, focused on finance.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
This was right up their alley.
Speaker 5 (14:44):
Plus they were posted right across the street from the courthouse.
I'm sure they got it right.
Speaker 14 (14:50):
Number one not guilty for Martha Stewart on the conspiracy charge.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
That's count one.
Speaker 14 (14:55):
Not guilty for Martha Stewart. Count two on count fool
she is that is.
Speaker 16 (15:03):
I'm sorry.
Speaker 14 (15:04):
Martha on count three is guilty. That is the guilty Michael,
I'm sorry, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty guilty count count five
is not guilty.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
And let me just make sure.
Speaker 18 (15:17):
I want to make sure I get this absolutely right.
That is against Peter mc kannevic. He is not guilty
on count five. That is the count of making false statements,
not guilty. It's a tremendous mixed bag here false documents.
Speaker 14 (15:30):
Okay, hang on, I'm being told that Peter mc kannovic
is not guilty on the count of making and using
false documents. That was that at sixty. Martha is guilty.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
On count eight.
Speaker 16 (15:41):
I have just been told she is.
Speaker 14 (15:43):
Guilty on count eight, but not guilty.
Speaker 17 (15:49):
Okay, all charges for Martha Stewart.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
I apologize.
Speaker 18 (15:53):
The confusion out here is immense.
Speaker 14 (15:56):
But now I'm being told that Martha Stewart is guilty
on conspiracy charge. Guilty of every single charge against us.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
Mate.
Speaker 14 (16:03):
So Frank as a cameraman here, if we could go
over this one more time starting Martha Stewart, Yes.
Speaker 16 (16:09):
Let me just interrupt you for one second, because.
Speaker 14 (16:11):
Not guilty on the account of making false statements, not
guilty on making and using false documents, guilty on the
counterpertury and guilty on the obstruction of justice charge false statements.
Speaker 19 (16:24):
All right, Michael heads very much.
Speaker 10 (16:25):
I'm gonna get you to hold on for just one seconds.
Speaker 5 (16:35):
As a seasoned observer of these kinds of trials, you
know what he could have done to.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
Make things a little easier for himself.
Speaker 5 (16:42):
Put down the billboards and walk across the street to
the actual courthouse.
Speaker 13 (16:47):
You siguus.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
For more.
Speaker 5 (16:55):
For more on the trial and the way it was covered,
we go to daily shows. Senior correspondent Stephen Colbert live outside.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
The house here in New York. Stephen John, thanks for
joining us.
Speaker 3 (17:03):
John.
Speaker 7 (17:03):
Before we're talking about the trial, I'd like to apologize
to you. I know, we agreed ahead of time that
if the verdict was guilty, I would wave a red flag,
and if it was innocent, weave a blue flag. But
in the excitement of the moment, I came out waving
the severed head of a cat, which obviously can be
interpreted any.
Speaker 15 (17:20):
Number of ways.
Speaker 7 (17:22):
I'm sorry to have put you in that position.
Speaker 4 (17:24):
It won't happen again.
Speaker 3 (17:26):
Um, yeah, that.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
Won't happen again.
Speaker 5 (17:30):
Well, thank you, Steven. Your apologies accepted. But let's move on.
Speaker 7 (17:33):
To the trigogy, and I should apologize to that woman
I knocked over in my haste to report on this story.
Though in my defense, who parks their wheelchair at the
top of the courthouse staffs. You'd think an eighty year
old would know better. Anyway, my condolences to her family
and to the families of those she struck on the
(17:54):
way down. There's a lot of steps, John.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
That sounds like a terrible accident.
Speaker 5 (18:02):
It was, but it brings up a good point, Steven,
the frantic rush amongst reporters to get this story out
in the air, literally a millisecond or two before the
other guys. Was that urgency in any way necessary?
Speaker 7 (18:14):
No, it wasn't, John, and highlights a disturbing trend that's
all too obvious in the media these days. The viewers
are completely out of control.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Did you say I'm sorry? Did you say the viewers? Yes?
Speaker 7 (18:28):
John, I'm just as shocked as you at how aggressive
the viewers have become. They're constantly beating us down with
unrealistic demands for immediacy. I didn't take four years of
journalism courses at five different community colleges just to jump
around on some courthouse steps. Waving flags and cat heads
like a maniac. Okay, this trial, like all too many
(18:50):
of these days, turned into just another viewer's.
Speaker 5 (18:53):
Circus, Stephen, I just don't see how you can blame
the viewers for any of this.
Speaker 7 (19:00):
Stop kidding yourself, John. They're out there right now watching us,
waiting for the next tidbit.
Speaker 3 (19:08):
What was her emotional estate?
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Or are they real?
Speaker 7 (19:12):
And if I don't deliver it, they'll just click around
until you find somebody else, won't you viewers.
Speaker 11 (19:18):
Oh?
Speaker 7 (19:18):
I can feel your eyes on me like dirty little hands,
pawing at my pockets, strip searching me for any little detail,
no matter how irrelevant. Well, you can have your insatiable
desire for sleeves, you can have your salacious rumors about
Martha Stewart's private life, and you can have it tomorrow
night at seven on my special Stephen Paulbert reports Martha
(19:41):
Stewart under the lenin. Remember that's at seven and again
at eight.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Well that's I'm sorry. Say then, hold on seven?
Speaker 5 (19:58):
Are you are you getting are you getting more news
about the trial?
Speaker 6 (20:01):
No?
Speaker 7 (20:02):
John, I'm actually just signaling the paramedics. Evidently I'm standing
on a baby.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
John, Thank you very much, Stephen Colbert. We'll be right by.
Speaker 5 (20:15):
Martha Stewart, public Enemy number seven fifty two, was released
from prison last Friday and has apparently been on television
ever since. She is now under house arrest at her
estate in New York's Westchester County. We go now to
Samantha be live outside of Martha Stewart's house.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
Samantha, thanks for joining us.
Speaker 12 (20:34):
Thank you, John.
Speaker 2 (20:38):
I've been capped out here since Martha Stewart entered her
house on Friday. If anything happens, I'm gonna.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
Let you know. Has anything happened? Yes, John, take a.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
Look at this shocking footage our cameras were able to
capture just moments ago. I don't know where she's going,
and I can't see her feet, so I can't even
tell you if she's in heels or flats, might be slippers.
I'll keep you posted.
Speaker 5 (21:13):
Why are you pointing your cameras into the woman's living room.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
That's intrusive.
Speaker 2 (21:17):
No, I just I don't know, John, But perhaps Rob
Pordrey has him insight. He's standing by in The Daily Show.
Martha Center twenty six hundred.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
I'm sorry, Martha.
Speaker 3 (21:25):
What the Martha Center twenty six hundred, John, this will
be our home base of operations during the entire house arrest.
I'll be reviewing the footage taken by our fiber optic cameras,
analyzing the thermal scans to pinpoint Martha's locations at all times,
and sifting through the data collected by the Martha Start kalanoscope.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
John.
Speaker 3 (21:45):
That's assuming, of course, that we can get it installed.
Speaker 15 (21:50):
Now. John.
Speaker 3 (21:51):
In that footage you just saw Martha passed by this
windowed area here, obviously going from one side to the other.
Perhaps there was something on the other end of the room.
She needed a whisk, or some polished gravel in a
frosted vase, or perhaps a set of bleached beeswalks, jelly
(22:13):
jar candles. I don't know, it's too early to tell.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
John, Rob. Aren't you supposed to be in Lebanon? John?
Speaker 3 (22:21):
Did you know for the price of a flight to Lebanon,
you can get a whole Martha Center twenty six hundred, Yeah, Aura,
or two Martha Center thirteen hundreds, John, So easy and
all you need.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Sorry, Sorry, Rob, I've got some breaking news. I've just
gotten word that the situation inside is developing. Let's go
to our live feed and see what's happening. Okay, looks
like she's crossing back and we have lost visual. I repate,
we have lost visual. We are at code Vermilion. Mother
swan is on the move.
Speaker 3 (22:55):
Get me positioned, alpha on screen, Position alpha on screen.
Stap stand great team, great team. I need parabolics.
Speaker 11 (23:04):
Around the perimeter.
Speaker 10 (23:05):
Go the mother twe is on the move.
Speaker 6 (23:07):
Chopper ten, go news Dan go.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Baby bird has left the nest. The groundhog is estivating.
The groundhog is estivating.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
Okay, where are we people?
Speaker 3 (23:19):
If I can't have visil, give me some audio prompto,
go go, go, go go what we have a white
shot on screen?
Speaker 8 (23:35):
Okay, stand down, people, condition normalize. Nice work, everybody, good work,
good work. Well so, John, you can see the drills
have paid off.
Speaker 3 (23:48):
We're gonna be right on top of this thing for
the next five months.
Speaker 1 (23:51):
Oh, thank you both very much. Samantha Be and Rob Cordory.
We appreciate it.
Speaker 5 (23:58):
By now you've probably heard Michael Vick pleading guilty the
charges relating to running in illegal dog fighting operation. The
details of the story horrific. What happened to these animals tragic.
Despite Vic's immediate denials, it seems he is guilty of
acts of depravity and immorality, leaving but one question in
the mind of NBC Sunday Night sportscasters. We're looking at
(24:21):
Michael Vick not showing up in the NFL again until
twenty ten. My god, that's almost twenty eight dog years
from now. I guess because of how horrified the NFL
is about the dog fighting, No doubt.
Speaker 2 (24:42):
Peter, what about the gambling though the dog fighting might
be the least of his concern.
Speaker 5 (24:47):
Yeah, you know, I used to enjoy the dog fighting.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
I bring the kids, have a little lunch, you'll make
a picnic out of it. And then the gambling came along. Yeah, Sully,
the whole thing.
Speaker 3 (25:00):
You said it absolutely right. I'm told that the league
is as concerned, maybe more so, about the gambling aspect
of this, than about the dog fighting.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Are you me.
Speaker 5 (25:12):
It's not the dog fighting, it's the gambling. So the
league is less offended by dog fighting than it is
by this. Really, I don't mind you killing each other, but.
Speaker 1 (25:24):
Never be no batting.
Speaker 5 (25:27):
The worst thing actually isn't the gambling, and it isn't
a dog fighting.
Speaker 1 (25:31):
It's what Vic could do next.
Speaker 12 (25:33):
Tick if he did that if he did roll over
on a current player, what impact would that have on
his career?
Speaker 16 (25:39):
Once it's resumed, someone will sign him, but he will
be blackballed.
Speaker 20 (25:42):
He will not be welcome in any NFL locker room.
Speaker 1 (25:45):
If he bailed on other players.
Speaker 18 (25:49):
He'd killed dogs with his beards.
Speaker 5 (25:55):
But he wouldn't bail on other players, would he.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
I'm told that VI will not do this.
Speaker 10 (26:01):
He's a loyal guy.
Speaker 5 (26:05):
Well, you know, if it's loyalty that the NFL really wants,
maybe they could just get a.
Speaker 10 (26:10):
H In the lost couple of days, you may have
heard the name Meek Mill in the news, and if
you were just hearing it for the first time, you
were probably thinking, meeck Mill, is that a gluten free
granola bar or something? You know, It's like here at
(26:32):
meek Mill, we only use the gentlest Oats and Berry's.
But no, Meek Mill is a big time Philadelphia rapper
who just dropped a surprise release.
Speaker 9 (26:40):
Well known rapper Meek Mill, whose imprisonment on gun and
drug charges drew widespread protests, celebrated his freedom last night
at an NBA game. Hours earlier, Pennsylvania's Supreme Court ordered
the thirty year olds release. The court sided credibility problems
with a key witness in his original trial ten years.
Speaker 6 (26:58):
Ago, he met with comedian Kevin Hart in the locker room.
Speaker 12 (27:06):
Does that revolved?
Speaker 6 (27:07):
No?
Speaker 11 (27:08):
Damn?
Speaker 1 (27:09):
Who is Kevin Hart's agent?
Speaker 10 (27:10):
He's even starring in Mill's prison release.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
He's everywhere.
Speaker 10 (27:15):
But the story really is great news, not just for
Meek Mill, but also for advocates of criminal justice reform,
because Meek Mill had become a symbol of a system
that tries to keep people in prison rather than genuinely
giving them a second chance. And Meek Mill's release wasn't
the only good news for justice today.
Speaker 21 (27:32):
A verdict in the retrial of comedian Bill Cosby. The
Man has now been found guilty on all charges against him,
guilty of sexual assault, three second degree felonies. He faces
the possibility of up to thirty years in prison for
his crimes.
Speaker 10 (27:49):
Yep, Bill Cosby guilty. So I guess once again he's
given us a classic heartwarming ending. So it's officially over
for Bill Cosby now. I mean, because whether he goes
to jail or not, the show shameful title of sexual
predator will hang over his head forever, so he can't
do anything now except maybe run for presidents. Harvey Weinstein,
(28:11):
disgraced Hollywood producer and man who's somehow ugly on the inside.
His sexual assault trial has just begun here in New York,
and Harvey is already on the judge's bad side.
Speaker 13 (28:23):
Jury's selection in Harvey Weinstein's sexual assault trial resumes today.
After some drama in court. The judge threatened to revoke
the Hollywood producer's bell Tuesday because he kept using his
phone in court. The judge said, quote, is this really
the way you want to end up in jail? By texting?
Weinstein's team calls it a misunderstanding.
Speaker 10 (28:41):
Yeah, Harvey Weinstein got into trouble yesterday because he kept
pulling his phone out in court because apparently he can't
keep anything in his pants. I actually feel bad for
the judge in the situation because you have to uphold
the law but then also be a middle school teacher.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
You know, it's just like, are you texting? Give me
a phone?
Speaker 15 (28:58):
You spin out your gum, and oh you just stop
jerking off.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
Harvey. Come on, I will tell you this is how
you know. Phones are addictive.
Speaker 10 (29:06):
Though, this guy's on trial for his life and he's
sitting in that coult room.
Speaker 1 (29:10):
Like I could go to prison forever. I wonder what
Disney character I am. Let's see, oh Ushula, I should
have known.
Speaker 10 (29:22):
And let's move on from people celebrating their freedom to
someone who's going to be losing his for a long time.
Speaker 19 (29:28):
Disgraced movie mogul Harvey Weinstein has been found guilty of
rape in the third degree and of committing a criminal
sexual act in the first degree. The jury acquitted him
on three other charges, including the most serious of predatory
sexual assault.
Speaker 20 (29:42):
Throughout the whole process, he kept saying, I didn't do this,
I didn't do this. But of course now he faces
five to twenty five years in prison at least, with
more possibly coming with additional charges new charges out in
Los Angeles.
Speaker 10 (29:55):
Yes, people, it's official. Harvey Weinstein is going to prison,
which is crazy because he already looks like he's been
in prison for twenty five years. Seriously, Weinstein is not
gonna do well in prison, all right, partly because other
prisoners already don't like sex offenders, but they rarely don't
like some of Hobvey Weinstein movies. Yeah, they're gonna come
(30:15):
up to him in the prison yard.
Speaker 15 (30:16):
Like I've wasted nine dollars on Mansfield Park.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
That show was a discretion to Jane Austin. You know
what it'll be.
Speaker 10 (30:23):
Funny is if they lock up Weinstein in the same.
Speaker 1 (30:25):
Cell as Bill Cosby.
Speaker 10 (30:27):
Yeah, because then I can tell you then no one
is falling asleep in that cell.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
You go to sleep, No, you go to sleep. Now,
you go to sleep. No, you go to sleep. No.
Speaker 15 (30:36):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts. Watch
The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount
Speaker 9 (30:49):
Plus Paramount Podcasts
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