June 2, 2025 • 43 mins
In the words of Jon Stewart, "What better way to understand the issue than to have two pundits of violently opposing viewpoints disagree with each other?" Join The Daily Show as we look back at years of Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell arguing with each other in their segment, Even Stephven.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central yew.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
On the world's two largest monotheisms learned to accept each other,
perhaps live in peace. It's difficult question. The only way
to find an answer is to turn to Stephen Colbert
and Steve Carell. And even Stephen, you've just made me
vomit in my own mouth.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
What's the weather like up your own acts?
Speaker 4 (00:31):
Tonight's topic Islam versus Christianity.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Which is right?
Speaker 5 (00:35):
Is Lam?
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Christianity is long?
Speaker 6 (00:41):
There is no God but Allah and Mohammed is his prophet, Stephen, Steve, this.
Speaker 4 (00:47):
Debate is about religion. Let's discuss it rationally. Now, think
about it. If you were God, would you manifest your
divine glory to a shepherd in a cave in Saudi
Arabia in the seventh century or as the son of
a carpenter in a manger in Judea in the year zero?
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Come on, use your mind.
Speaker 6 (01:08):
Stephen, what part of there is no God but Allah
and Mohammed is his prophet? Don't you understand? Look, let's
assume for the sake of argument that your God is.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
The one true God.
Speaker 6 (01:17):
That would mean Allah is not the one true God,
which we know he is. Don't you see your logic
eats itself.
Speaker 4 (01:23):
First off, it's not my logic, Steve, It's God's logic as.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
Written in the Bible, every word of which is true.
Speaker 4 (01:30):
And we know every word is true because the Bible
says that the Bible is true. And if you remember
from earlier in this sentence, every word of the.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Bible is true.
Speaker 4 (01:40):
Now are you following me here or are you some
kind of mindless zealot?
Speaker 1 (01:45):
You know there is one way of settlingness, crusade?
Speaker 6 (01:48):
All right, there are two ways of settlingness. The one
that I was thinking of a pray.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Off.
Speaker 6 (01:54):
You pray to your God, and I will pray to mine,
and we will see which one of us get smited.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Great, let's do it? Is your God ready? My God
was born ready?
Speaker 4 (02:08):
Or uh, not so much born as begotten, not made
one being with the Father ready?
Speaker 1 (02:14):
All right? On your mark, get said, pry done?
Speaker 6 (02:28):
No no no no no no no no no.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
I'm done.
Speaker 6 (02:30):
I'm done too, and I appear to be unsmoted.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Yeah for now.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
But let me tell you, when you die and go
to hell, you're gonna wish you weren't dead.
Speaker 6 (02:41):
Interesting, now am I going to be doing that? After
I go to Paradise to join my bevy of spotless
virgins for all eternity, you know, because I just want
to give him the heads up.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Where are I going for eternity? Guys.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
I'm sorry, I'm just starting to think that this religion thing,
We're not going to settle it in three minutes. So
if you just wrap it up and find some common ground,
that would be great.
Speaker 6 (03:01):
Sorry, hmmm, maybe the Jew's right.
Speaker 4 (03:14):
Yeah, yeah, maybe maybe so, you know, which is funny
because I normally don't care for Jews.
Speaker 6 (03:22):
We don't either, really, we seem to find them kind
of scheming.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
We're very big on that too. Really, yes, we're.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
Not so different after all. I'm Steve Carrell and I'm
Stephen Colbert. And this has been even.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Stephen, media punditry. The very words mean almost nothing. With
that in mind, two of our senior news analysts square
off on the issues we deem important once again, even Stephen.
With Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
Do you think that you're an idiot? You're a total freak.
Good evening. I'm Stephen Colbert and I'm Stephen Carell.
Speaker 4 (04:16):
In the last two months, natural disasters have been ravaging
our country, hurricanes on the coasts, tornadoes in the Midwest,
and flooding everywhere in between, billions of dollars of damage
paid for by you, the taxpayer.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Tonight's topic weather good or bad? Bad? Good?
Speaker 7 (04:34):
Bad.
Speaker 4 (04:38):
Every time a floyd or a girt lifts their skirt
and relieves themselves on the East Coast, Uncle Sam feels
obliged to crawl underneath the plate class coffee table and
throw twenty dollars bills around. Well, I say shows over, folks,
it's time to pull the plug on weather.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Bulderdash.
Speaker 6 (04:57):
The federal government should stay out of the natural disaster business.
Today they're controlling the weather and tomorrow who knows federal
income tax I bet you and your friend Stalin would
like that.
Speaker 4 (05:11):
You, sir, are an idiot, and I'll tell you why.
It's time for those fat cats down in Washington to
get off their keysters and pass legislation outlawing these hurricanes
and tornadoes forever.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Or maybe you just hate children, No, I hate you.
Speaker 6 (05:32):
If tornadoes are outlawed, then only outlaws will have tornadoes'.
Speaker 4 (05:40):
I'm curious, Steve, what's the weather like up your own ass? Clearly,
clearly we must close our borders to undesirable foreign weather.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
All right, all right, you sir are a racist, damn right.
Speaker 4 (06:02):
And as a racist, I proposed a simple series of
giant fans on the Mexican and Canadian borders. Maybe then
Johnny would know how to read.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Well, thank you very much. Stephen. You've just made me
vomit in my own mouth.
Speaker 6 (06:19):
If people can't get tornadoes here, then they're just going
to go down to Mexico, where there's no regulation at all.
I say, keep tornadoes safe and legal. Bottom line, tornadoes
kill people. No, no, no, Stephen, tornadoes don't kill people.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Flying debris kills people.
Speaker 6 (06:36):
Shut up, shut up, shut up, beat dogs in ice cream.
I'm Stephen, and I'm Stephen. And this was even Stephen, tragically.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Lost in the hoop love. This year's political campaigns has
been Halloween. It's being celebrated tomorrow evening. Here with their
thoughts on this important national holiday, Steve Crow and Stephen
Colbert with even Stephen, you've.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather?
Light up your own acts? Tonight's topic Halloween? No, yes, no.
Speaker 4 (07:20):
Every year the forces of darkness get a foothold in
the minds of our children under the deceptive.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Guys of all hallows.
Speaker 4 (07:27):
Eve Well, I say it's time to just say no
to pagan rituals that lead our youngsters towards the pit
of damnation.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
And anyone who feels otherwise is a minion of the
dark Lord. Steve, Come on, Stephen.
Speaker 6 (07:40):
It's about kids dressing up one night a year, ringing
doorbells for treats. And when you don't get what you want,
you have toilet paper the house, maybe soak some windows,
or set a few fires, and then drop a cement
filled pumpkin off the overpass onto the windshields of an
oncoming car. Stephen, it's about fun, It's about frolic it's
(08:00):
about candy.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
Well, not content with poisoning the minds of our babies.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
The druidic cabal that runs.
Speaker 4 (08:08):
This Luciferian festival of death evidently also wants to pollute
their bodies with refined sugars.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second, Steve.
Speaker 6 (08:16):
And surely, as a child you indulge in the occasional
snickers bar or peanut butter cup.
Speaker 4 (08:22):
No, I eat carrot sticks, and my parents gave out
little bags of apple sauce.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
Are you serious?
Speaker 6 (08:34):
Do you do you know what we used to do
to people who gave out those healthy snacks?
Speaker 5 (08:39):
Yes, yes I did.
Speaker 6 (08:40):
Flaming bags of excrement were thrown at their houses.
Speaker 4 (08:45):
Do you know who had to clean that up the
next day when the neighborhood girls were.
Speaker 6 (08:51):
Walking to school laughing at you and going, there's sticky Steve.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Stephen. Uh, I'm gonna ask you something. Did you even
trick or treat as a kid. That's not something my
family did. We didn't. I'm sorry. Well that that must
have been very hard.
Speaker 5 (09:21):
No, it's not at all. It's fine.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
You know what.
Speaker 6 (09:25):
I have some treats here. We're gonna have a little
Halloween right here. Huh No, thank you.
Speaker 8 (09:32):
A couple of treats now, No, thank you? They cast cavity, Steve,
I am not interested at all. What's that big one?
Speaker 7 (09:49):
The big one?
Speaker 6 (09:51):
Well, you have a good eye, my friend. This would
be a butter finger.
Speaker 5 (09:57):
What do they do?
Speaker 6 (09:58):
Well, they crunch and then they get all chocolatey on you. Yeah,
I want a butter finger.
Speaker 7 (10:09):
You know what?
Speaker 1 (10:09):
You want a butter finger? No, I don't thank you. No,
ring my doorbell. I don't think ring the doorbell. I
don't want to go ahead ding dong? Oh who could
that be?
Speaker 7 (10:17):
Clump cump plump clump clump.
Speaker 6 (10:18):
Oh hey, how adorable?
Speaker 1 (10:25):
And who are you?
Speaker 5 (10:26):
A correspondent.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
And a very scary correspondent? What do you say?
Speaker 5 (10:36):
I don't know what do you say?
Speaker 1 (10:37):
You know what to say?
Speaker 5 (10:38):
I don't know what to do?
Speaker 6 (10:39):
Three little words I want can, no, no, no, you
know the words?
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Go ahead, say the words.
Speaker 7 (10:48):
Tree, tree, chick or chee? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Oh, Halloween is an until tomorrow? Bye?
Speaker 5 (11:12):
I want candy.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
I'm Steve Carrell.
Speaker 5 (11:14):
I want the cannon.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
This has been even Stephen, I want.
Speaker 7 (11:17):
To be a veil fire.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
On the more pressing and important issues. The United States
Senate is in the middle of a heated battle over
legislation calling for a patient's Bill of Rights. Lost amidst
the part of partisan bickering, however, is how this bill
really affects the average American? So here to partisanally bicker
over how this bill really affects the average American? Steve
Carell and Stephen Colbert and even Stephen.
Speaker 6 (11:45):
You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's
the weather like up your own acts?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Tonight's subject is it time for a patient's bill of yes.
No yes.
Speaker 6 (12:04):
The patient's bill of rights would guarantee consumers the right
to sue their HMOs if they fail to provide critical care.
This will finally shift the balance of power away from
large bureaucratic solace institutions and give it.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
To law firms. That's good.
Speaker 6 (12:20):
And anyone who feels differently is a Nazi, Stephen, Well, Steve.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
If being a Nazi is wrong, I don't want to
be right.
Speaker 4 (12:30):
This legislation is a prescription for a recipe for disaster.
If bureaucrats at health maintenance organizations are constantly worrying about lawsuits,
where will they find the time to play God with
our lives? And if they don't play God, who will God?
Speaker 5 (12:46):
I don't think so.
Speaker 6 (12:48):
He's got bigger fish to fry. No one is playing
God here, Steven. Sure it might be comforting to a
patient dying from an HMO's negligence to think an old
man and a white beard is going to dispense justice
from on high. But the fact is we need the
earthly justice of lawyers, for there is no divine justice,
(13:09):
for there is no.
Speaker 5 (13:10):
God, no God, no God.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
First of all, HMO's are not the enemy. Second, no God.
Speaker 4 (13:21):
The fool says in his heart there is no God.
But in this statement, is there not implied the far
grander question, who is he who put us here that
we may even doubt him?
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Steve? Behold the radiant beauty.
Speaker 4 (13:33):
Of existence and answer me this, Why is there something
instead of nothing?
Speaker 7 (13:44):
Well?
Speaker 6 (13:45):
There you go again, Steven, not staying on topic. You're
just afraid to admit that the working people of this country.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Are an answer the question why is there something instead
of nothing? Big bang? But who knew you and loved
you even before the fires of creation? Let me just
(14:15):
check my notes, Steve. Don't you see there is a
deeper reality that transcends what you and I may debate
here at this desk. Don't you know in your heart
of hearts that we all bask in His eternal light? Yes,
that ultimately we are one in the fathomless mind of God.
Speaker 4 (14:40):
Yes, And that what one man Steve Correll may or
may not believe about the patient's bill of rights, a
meaningless piece of paper, is ultimately.
Speaker 5 (14:52):
Meaningless. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Speaker 7 (14:58):
Yes, I'm right, you're wrong, and I'm right.
Speaker 9 (15:02):
I win, I win, I win.
Speaker 5 (15:06):
Whow no, but we are all one in the mind
of God.
Speaker 10 (15:17):
But on earth, you're a loser and I'm a winner
from the winner's circle. I'm Stephen Colman, I'm Steve Carrell,
and this has been even Stephen, you lose.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
While Dan rather has shied away from breaking down the
stem cell debate, You're at the Daily Show, will do
no such thing. You're just shed so much needed light
on the topic, Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell. With even Stephen, You've.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Just made me vomit in my own mouth? What's the
weather like up your own acts?
Speaker 6 (15:56):
Tennight's topic Dutch prostitutes. Do they deserve our mental protection?
Speaker 5 (16:01):
Yes?
Speaker 9 (16:01):
And what Yes?
Speaker 6 (16:04):
The Netherlands have long been known for its affordable, attractive
and gracious.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Who wait, wait, wait, wait, what are you talking about
tonight's topic Dutch prostitutes? Yeah, no, no, no, that's not
the topic. The topic is stem cell research. Don't think so?
Speaker 6 (16:26):
Wow, Okay, I'll bite. Why is tonight's topic stem cell research?
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Because that's what we agreed we're going to debate. We're
going to debate the big issue on the front of
the Sunday New York Times.
Speaker 5 (16:36):
Exactly.
Speaker 6 (16:37):
Yes, I've got it right here. It's the big canet
A shot of this big article right there. Dutch prostitutes
see that.
Speaker 5 (16:45):
Yeah, I thought it right above that.
Speaker 4 (16:46):
See the stem cell battles moving to Congress. This is
this is it right here, John, We're doing stem cell
research right. It's not Dutch prositut stem cells right.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
That was my Understandingay, great, fine, gang up on Steve day.
We'll do stem cell research. I don't know what it is.
I am for it. Why you read the article? You
(17:16):
tell me?
Speaker 4 (17:18):
Well, is it possibly because stem cells are highly adaptable
and transplantable, basic building blocks of human tissue that could
someday lead to the cure of ms Parkinson's and Alzheimer's.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
Yes, that is exactly why, Stephen.
Speaker 6 (17:33):
Because unlike someone I could name, I am not a
big fan of people dying. So I say, stem cell,
stem cell stems, stem cell research, yes, neurological disorders no.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Stephen, I know before you commit you there is an
argument against stem cell research.
Speaker 6 (17:52):
Okay, here we go, mister, mister mcphacty head.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
I can't wait watch this. John is gonna really blow
us all away.
Speaker 4 (18:01):
Go ahead, well, to obtain the best stem cells human
embryos have to be destroyed, and some people fear that
this could lead to a mass production of embryo genetic
engineering and organ farming.
Speaker 6 (18:13):
Please, Steven, that is such a load of disturbing information
that if you think about it and let it sink in,
you will realize that I am against stem cell research,
and I dare you to try to poke a hole
(18:33):
in my ironclad argument. Beauchampce bonivon't bon apetite.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
Well, Steven.
Speaker 4 (18:40):
In fact, Steph, in fact, most of these embryos are
going to come from fertility clinics and they're going to
be destroyed anyway. So an argument could be made that
this life saving research should be derived from what is
already an unfortunate situation.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Why don't we just do the Dutch prostitutes think?
Speaker 6 (18:59):
Come on and Steve, this is an important subject we
have to debate. See if it's an emotional subject. Oh,
I wouldn't a personal subject, Steve. All I'm saying is.
Speaker 4 (19:08):
That you're not alone and feeling torn about this. Okay,
you can come on either side of the subject. And
I suppose that ultimately there is no one and no
way to objectively find out who is right and who
is wrong.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Dutch prostitute.
Speaker 7 (19:25):
Yeah, we are out of time.
Speaker 6 (19:29):
I'm Stephen Colbert, Steve Carell and even Stephen.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
There's a war going on out there, but there's also
another battle being fought between the government and the members.
Speaker 7 (19:44):
Of the press.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
How much does the public need to know?
Speaker 5 (19:50):
Here?
Speaker 2 (19:51):
To answer that question? Are Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert?
With even Stephen, You've just made me vomit in my
own mouth?
Speaker 1 (20:00):
What's the weather? Life? Up your own asks?
Speaker 4 (20:07):
Should the United States government be more forthcoming to the
media on the war in Afghanistan?
Speaker 1 (20:12):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (20:13):
No, Ari Fleischer and the White House are causing a
communication breakdown of led zeppelinish proportions.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Watch this. It's information that is classified in nature. I've
said about all I'm going to say on this topic.
I think we've exhausted this topic.
Speaker 4 (20:34):
This is about a half an hour brief, and we
can spend all half hour on it if you like.
Speaker 6 (20:39):
He's stonewalling. But I'm not surprised you don't care about
the freedom of the press. Is you've long used our
constitution as a bum wipe.
Speaker 7 (20:49):
Steve.
Speaker 4 (20:50):
Let's not have this disintegrate into yet another series of
personal attacks.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Okay, Fatty, fair enough?
Speaker 6 (20:59):
The only reason you on the other bloodsuckers in the
press ask questions that you know Ari Fleischer can't answer
is to rattle his cage and get him accidentally saying
something that could threaten national security. Well, if government officials
don't give me the answers I need, I'm going to
have to get them myself. Develop my own sources, check facts,
write things down. I am a journalist, That's not my job.
(21:23):
There are people out there whose job it is to
do my job, and I'm not one of them. Is
that so hard to understand?
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Steve?
Speaker 4 (21:30):
You need to understand that there are times that the
best thing the government can do is to say nothing.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Secrets aren't always bad. I mean there are things I
don't tell you. Oh, you tell me everything. No, I
don't like what I can't tell you. Well, does it
involve you or me?
Speaker 5 (21:46):
Yes?
Speaker 9 (21:47):
Who?
Speaker 3 (21:47):
Me?
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Or you?
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Steve?
Speaker 4 (21:48):
We've exhausted this topic. Now are there any other questions?
Speaker 1 (21:52):
Uh?
Speaker 5 (21:52):
You?
Speaker 7 (21:53):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (21:54):
Steve Carell Daily Show? What are you talking about? What's
the secret?
Speaker 5 (21:58):
Steve?
Speaker 4 (21:59):
All I can tell you is is that it is terrible.
It is horrible, it is imminent, and it only involves you.
And I can't tell you what it is. You're kidding, Yes,
not really, Steve. The point is, in situations like this,
the facts are just going to terrify the public. And
if that's all the press can do, why don't we
(22:20):
just make up our stories. Watch this justin evil clown
with hook for hands spotted in woods behind Cabin fourteen
at Camp Winnsauki. He's in the house, now, get out
see not a single fact, but some poor sap living
at thirteen sad Bastard Lane in Rubetown, USA is hanging
(22:43):
on my every word.
Speaker 6 (22:44):
Steve YEA yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, No, it was
just on. It was just on, like the clown with
the hook.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
I just saw it. They just did a report. Why
I don't know. He's in the house.
Speaker 6 (22:54):
You have to get out of the house, Steve, Honey.
They said he was behind cabin fourteen.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Are we close to that? I was just giving an exemptive,
But come on, I'm dealing with the clown problem here. Okay,
get in the game, Colbert.
Speaker 4 (23:07):
I'm Stephen Colbert, Steve Carell and this has been even Stephen, God,
what is happening to.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Our country.
Speaker 6 (23:16):
Now?
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Obviously the crisis in the Middle East is continuing to
dominate the news here to bring so much needed perspective
on that situation. Our senior pundit team, Steve Carell and
Stephen Colbert with even Stephen.
Speaker 3 (23:27):
You have just made me vomit in my own mouth.
What's the weather like up your own acts?
Speaker 5 (23:37):
Tonight's topic.
Speaker 4 (23:38):
Should the US sponsor piece talks in the Middle East?
Speaker 5 (23:41):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (23:41):
No, yes, Stephen. With great power comes great responsibility. As
the warm, moist womb of liberty, the United States cannot
shirk its duty to bring these two sides to the
table or some other suitable piece of furniture.
Speaker 4 (23:58):
Steve, that's a stupid thing to say, and you're a
stupid person for saying it. It's not the US's job
to be the world's policeman, the world's fireman.
Speaker 6 (24:07):
Maybe policemen firemen. I think we can both agree. We'd
have a big bushy mustache. The Israelis are our democratic allies,
the sole democracy in the region.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
We must support them.
Speaker 4 (24:19):
Well, I'm not surprised that you would want to entangle
the US and that quagmire, mister Stephen correllenbergo witsteinish sky bird.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
I don't follow, Yes, you do. The teachings of Moses.
I'm not Jewish, You're not. No, I'm Catholic as am.
I shut up?
Speaker 7 (24:44):
Seriously.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Eleven brothers and sisters, Oh way, yeah, really, why are
we ben talking about that?
Speaker 5 (24:49):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
I mean we're both Catholics, right, Seriously? The Jews and
Muzzlim Arabs?
Speaker 5 (24:54):
Who cares? What do you want to do?
Speaker 9 (24:58):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
How about lightning round?
Speaker 7 (25:01):
Lightning ground? Lightning round? Invading Iraq?
Speaker 5 (25:11):
Now?
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Were next year?
Speaker 5 (25:12):
Now? Next year?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Two thousand and four? Democrats gore or carry go? Carry go?
Link or patty link?
Speaker 7 (25:21):
Patty?
Speaker 4 (25:22):
Did the Argentinian governments tying the value of the peso
to the dollar lead to the current economic crisis.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
In Buenos Aires? Ye, Argentina?
Speaker 5 (25:30):
Where is that?
Speaker 1 (25:30):
I think it's in Mexico.
Speaker 4 (25:33):
Grandma's or grandpa's past pass, grandpa's pass. The pedophilia scandal
in the Catholic Church.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
I don't see why we need to talk about. The
church is gonna work it out, absolutely, wow. Eleven brothers
and sisters. Jimmy Eddy Marmos. Next question, Yes or no? Yes?
Speaker 3 (26:04):
No?
Speaker 5 (26:05):
Yes?
Speaker 4 (26:07):
Does the French election signal the re emergence of fascism
in Europe?
Speaker 3 (26:11):
We?
Speaker 5 (26:11):
No?
Speaker 1 (26:11):
We Finally, Steve, should we change the way we talk?
Speaker 4 (26:16):
Let's face it, this halting newsman cadence is both artificial
and robotic, granted, but I'm afraid.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
We can't just do that, Steve. Like a shark. If
we stop, we will die.
Speaker 6 (26:28):
I'm Stephen Colbert and I'm Steve Carell, and this has
been even Stephen.
Speaker 5 (26:36):
For more insight on.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
The death tax issue, we turned to resident political pundits
Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell with even Stephen, you just
made me.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Vomit on my own mouth? What's the weather like up
your own acts? Is the death tax good for America?
Speaker 5 (26:58):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (26:58):
No, Yeaster day, I was beside myself with joy over
last week's vote by the Senate to retain the death tax.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
It's a big revenue generator.
Speaker 6 (27:10):
That affects only the nation's wealthiest one percent. It sends
a powerful social message that even the children of the
very rich must make their own way in the world.
But more than that, in the same way that taxes
on smoking discourage smoking and taxes on drinking discourage drinking,
hopefully this death tax will keep people from dying.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
It is a filthy habit and it has to stop.
Speaker 6 (27:33):
But I suppose you and your fat cat friends in
Washington won't be happy till everybody's dead.
Speaker 4 (27:39):
Steve, the death tax is inherently unfair. It taxes the
same money twice, once when you earn it and once
more after you die. It goes against everything Americans, whole
deer money. The point is, it's not It's not the
dead who are going to suffer, unless, of course they've
been sinful, then they'll burn forever in a lake of
(28:00):
It is the living, rather, the children of the insanely wealthy,
who will suffer by being rendered merely sanely wealthy. But
tax away, Comrade Kirellovich, A grateful Motherland salutes you.
Speaker 5 (28:13):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
You are taking this so personally, Steven.
Speaker 6 (28:16):
You'd think this was a tax on pompous windbags who
make me sick, You fat.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Ass, Steve.
Speaker 4 (28:22):
Let me give you a hypothetical example of someone who
would be directly hurt by your regressive tax. Now, this
person is not rich, but this person married someone because
her father is. Hypothetically, now, this rich old bastard, whose daughter,
by the way, has a face like a Hieronymous Bosh nightmare,
was barely functioning when this person married her I'm talking
(28:43):
catheter's iron lung bit. But against all rational expectations, he's
hung on for seven years. It's like he's staying alive
out of spite. You're saying, when that shriveled husk finally kicks,
the government should get more than half of what's rightfully
a person in my examples.
Speaker 6 (29:03):
Well, for now, under current law, the tax is scheduled
to expire in twenty ten.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Person in my example can't wait that long. All the
nagging and the carping. I just I swear the person
in my example is just gonna lose it.
Speaker 4 (29:17):
I'm sorry, I just get I just get so upset
when I think about the person.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
In my example.
Speaker 6 (29:24):
Well, you know seven Sometimes the people in hypothetical examples
just die.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
Yeah, That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 6 (29:35):
But no, no, no, you're not listening to me. Sometimes
the people hypothetical examples just imaginary nurses can be bribed,
(29:55):
Accidents can be postulated to have happened.
Speaker 5 (30:01):
Right now.
Speaker 6 (30:03):
Let's further speculate that an opportunistic associate was willing for
say a million dollars.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
Five hundred thousand, eight seven seven fifty done.
Speaker 6 (30:15):
To facilitate this. Shall we say early retirement. What would
the person in your example say to the person in
my example.
Speaker 4 (30:23):
I think he'd say, let's do it. Oh, but the
person in my example sell us to pay the damn
death tax.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
Well, half a buttload is still butt load. Yeah, all right,
all right, you make a strong all right man.
Speaker 4 (30:37):
I might have to uh concede this one as long
as this argument can never be traced back to me.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
I'm Stephen Colbert and I'm Steve Carell, and this even
Stephen never happened? What even Stephen?
Speaker 5 (30:53):
Exactly?
Speaker 2 (30:59):
The run of the Republican nomination has George Bush and
John McCain mired an assesspool of mutual character assassination. Tonight,
our two senior pundits go head to head on the
issue of negative campaigning. In even Stephen, do you think
that you're an idiot?
Speaker 4 (31:17):
You're a total freak, smear tactics, dirty pool, taking the
low road.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Is this what American politics should be? Yes?
Speaker 6 (31:30):
No, yes, let's face it, Stephen, politics have become a bore.
Less than thirty percent of Americans vote, and most of
them are drunk or bust in by the Chinese to
do their bidding.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Steve stooping to the lowest common denominator.
Speaker 4 (31:48):
Isn't the answer? I could say and get all sorts
of attention. But shouldn't we hold our leaders to a
higher standard? What about campaign financial form? What about out
soft money? What about school vouchers?
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Sorry I faded away there for a second. What were
you saying about? You're just proving my point, Steve.
Speaker 4 (32:17):
Negative campaigning has denigrated the political process.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
Look, this is nothing new.
Speaker 6 (32:23):
Stephen Douglas once referred to Abraham Lincoln as a fussy scoundrel,
while Lincoln shot back with accusations of skullduggery. Harsh words.
But that's politics as usual. Political figures are fair game.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
Any any public figure is fair game.
Speaker 6 (32:43):
Any public or political figure. Really, you heard it here first,
rolland Scottie.
Speaker 4 (32:51):
We all know Steve Carell as a fourth Right Square
job correspondent, But what you may not know is that
his real name is Caroselli. This Johnny cumlately anglophile is
running from a Mediterranean past.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
He may tell you the news, but he.
Speaker 4 (33:08):
Would probably prefer to tell you I like it a
spicy on me, Steve Carrell, He's not who you think
pay for By Stephen Colbert, what what was what do
(33:31):
you what was that? A completely unfair profile, and so
is this Steve Carrell never served a single day of
active military duty during the Spanish American War just because
it ended in eighteen ninety eight is too easy In answer, Steve,
Steve Carell, he's a coward pay for by Stephen Colbert.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
I don't tell you why.
Speaker 5 (34:00):
I wait a second.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
You're debating, and I think you've definitely crossed the line, Stephen,
And I don't mean to interrupt, but.
Speaker 4 (34:08):
Oh, don't you John, John Stewart isn't even supposed to
be in this segment, but there he is. He should
mind his own bees wax, John Stewart, He's a nosy
nelly paid for by.
Speaker 11 (34:23):
Me, Stephen.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
I uh, it's not much of an attack.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
I don't know, John. It's testing pretty well with Catholics.
Speaker 4 (34:37):
And you know what, you know what, now that I
think of it, I guess there is a place for
character assassination in politics.
Speaker 11 (34:45):
So I.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
So I win, yes, no, yes, I'm Stephen Colbert.
Speaker 6 (34:54):
And I'm Steve Carcel Carrel.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
And this has been even it's Stephen.
Speaker 2 (35:04):
You know. Scholars and historians may well debate Bill Clinton's
presidency for centuries, but here to do it in two
and a half minutes, our own Steve Carell and Stephen
Colbert with even Stephen.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
You just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's
the weather like?
Speaker 5 (35:19):
Up your own acts?
Speaker 1 (35:25):
Have the Clinton years been good for America?
Speaker 5 (35:27):
Yes? No, yay.
Speaker 6 (35:30):
In nineteen ninety two our country was in a severe
economic recession. Eight years of unprecedented prosperity. Later, America is
richer and stronger than it has ever been. And the
man responsible William Jefferson Clinton.
Speaker 4 (35:43):
Oh, come off, it's Steve Allen Greenspan runs this economy,
not Bill Clinton. The only thing Bill Clinton has brought
us these last eight years is moral turpitude and national shame.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
Two words.
Speaker 6 (35:52):
Stephen dow ten thousand, Whitewater, welfare reform, Monica Gates, eight
years of peace.
Speaker 7 (35:58):
Shut the fuck up, Shut up, shut up, Shut up. God,
your voice is like a jackal picking out my brain.
Speaker 5 (36:08):
I hate you.
Speaker 7 (36:09):
I hate who you are and what you do and
how you sound and what you say. You're like a
cancer on my life.
Speaker 11 (36:17):
God, Well that was ugly and humiliating.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
You feel any better.
Speaker 5 (36:34):
Now, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (36:36):
I'm just I'm just tired and and I'm upset. About Clinton.
Speaker 6 (36:40):
Every time we fight, it's because of Clinton or the
economy or NAFTA. I don't think the problem is out there.
I think the problem is right here, and I think
we need to talk about it.
Speaker 1 (36:50):
We don't have a problem. Okay, we're fine. Okay, you're fine,
You're great. Don't your arguments just don't Okay.
Speaker 6 (36:56):
You know, I've been giving this some thought, and well,
maybe we need to commentate with other people.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
For me, have you been working with CNN's Robert Novak.
Bob appreciates me. I can smell him on you. I'm
gonna I'm gonna kill him. No, you know what, Bob
(37:23):
has control of his anger. He doesn't lash out. Steven.
Look at me, Steve, look at me, Look at me.
You have a problem.
Speaker 6 (37:33):
And until you can get control of that anger, I
just don't think we can be together.
Speaker 1 (37:38):
Steve, Steven, you can't do this. Coochie and I never fight.
We love each other.
Speaker 7 (37:45):
You've gotta find the love.
Speaker 1 (37:57):
You know something. Maybe ABC Sam Donaldson is.
Speaker 5 (38:01):
You know, maybe he is?
Speaker 1 (38:04):
Askoo Sam Donaldson. I I hate you.
Speaker 4 (38:07):
I'm Steve Correll, I'm Stephen Colbert and this has been
eden Stephen.
Speaker 2 (38:14):
With the recent rejection of two pieces of legislation, dear
to President Clinton's heart campaign finance reform and the Nuclear
Test Ban treaty. Many observers are wondering whether the Republican
controlled Congress is deliberately trying to diminish the President's legacy.
And what better way to understand the issue than to
have two pundits of violently opposing viewpoints disagree with each other.
Speaker 6 (38:36):
You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's
the weather like up your own acts.
Speaker 7 (38:46):
Tonight?
Speaker 1 (38:46):
Are the Republicans out to get Bill Clinton?
Speaker 5 (38:49):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (38:49):
No, yes, Stephen, the Republicans are trying to humiliate Bill Clinton.
Unless you would have us believe that the right wing
is legitimately anti fiscal responsibility and pro radiation?
Speaker 4 (39:06):
Do you think us blind, blind as masturbating bats with glaucoma?
Speaker 6 (39:14):
What my esteem colleague on the left fails to realize
is neither Bill serves this country's interests or enjoys widespread support.
You know, Stephen, penicillin can cure syphilis before it infects
your brain. The campaign finance bill was in fact co
sponsored by Republican Senator John McCain, and the Nuclear test
(39:36):
Ban treaty was backed by nearly every major world leader
and international scientist.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
Oh really, well, then, Steve.
Speaker 5 (39:47):
You're right.
Speaker 1 (39:49):
Listen to yourself, Stephen, you're up there and you're ivory
towt what you're right. I completely forgot about McCain. See.
Based on that, I can see how you you thought
that you know the Republicans are out to get him?
Can you?
Speaker 9 (40:05):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (40:10):
Well, very well, then good.
Speaker 5 (40:13):
I win. Yeah, it looks like it.
Speaker 1 (40:28):
May I speak to you for a minute.
Speaker 6 (40:31):
We're being paid to argue here, okay, and you a
green with me is not going to put food on
the table.
Speaker 1 (40:39):
You know what I'm saying. So once you just ratchet
it up a little bit, Okay, you.
Speaker 5 (40:45):
Drop this.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
Now?
Speaker 6 (40:48):
Is the room spinning or is the rapid waffling of
the spineless GOP Congress making me dizzy? Maybe you'd vote
for murder if you thought it would embarrass the president?
Speaker 1 (40:57):
Well, I think that's an exact duration, but I can
see how you'd feel that way.
Speaker 9 (41:07):
Okay, I got a level with you.
Speaker 6 (41:20):
As job is, you go everywhere, well for me and
this debate thing, it's like the only thing I've got going.
And when you agree with me, no, still shush me
when when you agree with me, it makes it impossible
for me to say anything back to you.
Speaker 1 (41:40):
I don't even know what I don't even what to say.
Speaker 5 (41:44):
I agree what you want me to do.
Speaker 1 (41:46):
It's it's okay, what do you What do you want
me to say?
Speaker 5 (41:53):
What do you want me to say?
Speaker 1 (41:56):
I disagree with me? Okay, I think you're wrong, insult me.
I think you're an ass.
Speaker 5 (42:18):
You don't really mean that, I do? I do?
Speaker 1 (42:22):
I think you're an ass? Oh? Is that a smile?
Speaker 5 (42:26):
Smile?
Speaker 1 (42:27):
Use you, young liar?
Speaker 5 (42:29):
Do you have a smile? Yes, we do.
Speaker 6 (42:36):
I'm Stephen Colbert and I'm Stephen Carrell and this has
been even Stephen. Explore more shows from the Daily Show
podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever.
Speaker 7 (42:48):
You get your podcasts.
Speaker 6 (42:50):
Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount
plus
Speaker 1 (43:03):
Paramount Podcasts
You're listening to Comedy Central yew.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
On the world's two largest monotheisms learned to accept each other,
perhaps live in peace. It's difficult question. The only way
to find an answer is to turn to Stephen Colbert
and Steve Carell. And even Stephen, you've just made me
vomit in my own mouth.
Speaker 3 (00:25):
What's the weather like up your own acts?
Speaker 4 (00:31):
Tonight's topic Islam versus Christianity.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Which is right?
Speaker 5 (00:35):
Is Lam?
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Christianity is long?
Speaker 6 (00:41):
There is no God but Allah and Mohammed is his prophet, Stephen, Steve, this.
Speaker 4 (00:47):
Debate is about religion. Let's discuss it rationally. Now, think
about it. If you were God, would you manifest your
divine glory to a shepherd in a cave in Saudi
Arabia in the seventh century or as the son of
a carpenter in a manger in Judea in the year zero?
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Come on, use your mind.
Speaker 6 (01:08):
Stephen, what part of there is no God but Allah
and Mohammed is his prophet? Don't you understand? Look, let's
assume for the sake of argument that your God is.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
The one true God.
Speaker 6 (01:17):
That would mean Allah is not the one true God,
which we know he is. Don't you see your logic
eats itself.
Speaker 4 (01:23):
First off, it's not my logic, Steve, It's God's logic as.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
Written in the Bible, every word of which is true.
Speaker 4 (01:30):
And we know every word is true because the Bible
says that the Bible is true. And if you remember
from earlier in this sentence, every word of the.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Bible is true.
Speaker 4 (01:40):
Now are you following me here or are you some
kind of mindless zealot?
Speaker 1 (01:45):
You know there is one way of settlingness, crusade?
Speaker 6 (01:48):
All right, there are two ways of settlingness. The one
that I was thinking of a pray.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Off.
Speaker 6 (01:54):
You pray to your God, and I will pray to mine,
and we will see which one of us get smited.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
Great, let's do it? Is your God ready? My God
was born ready?
Speaker 4 (02:08):
Or uh, not so much born as begotten, not made
one being with the Father ready?
Speaker 1 (02:14):
All right? On your mark, get said, pry done?
Speaker 6 (02:28):
No no no no no no no no no.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
I'm done.
Speaker 6 (02:30):
I'm done too, and I appear to be unsmoted.
Speaker 1 (02:34):
Yeah for now.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
But let me tell you, when you die and go
to hell, you're gonna wish you weren't dead.
Speaker 6 (02:41):
Interesting, now am I going to be doing that? After
I go to Paradise to join my bevy of spotless
virgins for all eternity, you know, because I just want
to give him the heads up.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Where are I going for eternity? Guys.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
I'm sorry, I'm just starting to think that this religion thing,
We're not going to settle it in three minutes. So
if you just wrap it up and find some common ground,
that would be great.
Speaker 6 (03:01):
Sorry, hmmm, maybe the Jew's right.
Speaker 4 (03:14):
Yeah, yeah, maybe maybe so, you know, which is funny
because I normally don't care for Jews.
Speaker 6 (03:22):
We don't either, really, we seem to find them kind
of scheming.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
We're very big on that too. Really, yes, we're.
Speaker 4 (03:30):
Not so different after all. I'm Steve Carrell and I'm
Stephen Colbert. And this has been even.
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Stephen, media punditry. The very words mean almost nothing. With
that in mind, two of our senior news analysts square
off on the issues we deem important once again, even Stephen.
With Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
Do you think that you're an idiot? You're a total freak.
Good evening. I'm Stephen Colbert and I'm Stephen Carell.
Speaker 4 (04:16):
In the last two months, natural disasters have been ravaging
our country, hurricanes on the coasts, tornadoes in the Midwest,
and flooding everywhere in between, billions of dollars of damage
paid for by you, the taxpayer.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Tonight's topic weather good or bad? Bad? Good?
Speaker 7 (04:34):
Bad.
Speaker 4 (04:38):
Every time a floyd or a girt lifts their skirt
and relieves themselves on the East Coast, Uncle Sam feels
obliged to crawl underneath the plate class coffee table and
throw twenty dollars bills around. Well, I say shows over, folks,
it's time to pull the plug on weather.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Bulderdash.
Speaker 6 (04:57):
The federal government should stay out of the natural disaster business.
Today they're controlling the weather and tomorrow who knows federal
income tax I bet you and your friend Stalin would
like that.
Speaker 4 (05:11):
You, sir, are an idiot, and I'll tell you why.
It's time for those fat cats down in Washington to
get off their keysters and pass legislation outlawing these hurricanes
and tornadoes forever.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Or maybe you just hate children, No, I hate you.
Speaker 6 (05:32):
If tornadoes are outlawed, then only outlaws will have tornadoes'.
Speaker 4 (05:40):
I'm curious, Steve, what's the weather like up your own ass? Clearly,
clearly we must close our borders to undesirable foreign weather.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
All right, all right, you sir are a racist, damn right.
Speaker 4 (06:02):
And as a racist, I proposed a simple series of
giant fans on the Mexican and Canadian borders. Maybe then
Johnny would know how to read.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Well, thank you very much. Stephen. You've just made me
vomit in my own mouth.
Speaker 6 (06:19):
If people can't get tornadoes here, then they're just going
to go down to Mexico, where there's no regulation at all.
I say, keep tornadoes safe and legal. Bottom line, tornadoes
kill people. No, no, no, Stephen, tornadoes don't kill people.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Flying debris kills people.
Speaker 6 (06:36):
Shut up, shut up, shut up, beat dogs in ice cream.
I'm Stephen, and I'm Stephen. And this was even Stephen, tragically.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Lost in the hoop love. This year's political campaigns has
been Halloween. It's being celebrated tomorrow evening. Here with their
thoughts on this important national holiday, Steve Crow and Stephen
Colbert with even Stephen, you've.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's the weather?
Light up your own acts? Tonight's topic Halloween? No, yes, no.
Speaker 4 (07:20):
Every year the forces of darkness get a foothold in
the minds of our children under the deceptive.
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Guys of all hallows.
Speaker 4 (07:27):
Eve Well, I say it's time to just say no
to pagan rituals that lead our youngsters towards the pit
of damnation.
Speaker 1 (07:34):
And anyone who feels otherwise is a minion of the
dark Lord. Steve, Come on, Stephen.
Speaker 6 (07:40):
It's about kids dressing up one night a year, ringing
doorbells for treats. And when you don't get what you want,
you have toilet paper the house, maybe soak some windows,
or set a few fires, and then drop a cement
filled pumpkin off the overpass onto the windshields of an
oncoming car. Stephen, it's about fun, It's about frolic it's
(08:00):
about candy.
Speaker 4 (08:02):
Well, not content with poisoning the minds of our babies.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
The druidic cabal that runs.
Speaker 4 (08:08):
This Luciferian festival of death evidently also wants to pollute
their bodies with refined sugars.
Speaker 1 (08:13):
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second, Steve.
Speaker 6 (08:16):
And surely, as a child you indulge in the occasional
snickers bar or peanut butter cup.
Speaker 4 (08:22):
No, I eat carrot sticks, and my parents gave out
little bags of apple sauce.
Speaker 1 (08:28):
Are you serious?
Speaker 6 (08:34):
Do you do you know what we used to do
to people who gave out those healthy snacks?
Speaker 5 (08:39):
Yes, yes I did.
Speaker 6 (08:40):
Flaming bags of excrement were thrown at their houses.
Speaker 4 (08:45):
Do you know who had to clean that up the
next day when the neighborhood girls were.
Speaker 6 (08:51):
Walking to school laughing at you and going, there's sticky Steve.
Speaker 1 (09:03):
Stephen. Uh, I'm gonna ask you something. Did you even
trick or treat as a kid. That's not something my
family did. We didn't. I'm sorry. Well that that must
have been very hard.
Speaker 5 (09:21):
No, it's not at all. It's fine.
Speaker 1 (09:23):
You know what.
Speaker 6 (09:25):
I have some treats here. We're gonna have a little
Halloween right here. Huh No, thank you.
Speaker 8 (09:32):
A couple of treats now, No, thank you? They cast cavity, Steve,
I am not interested at all. What's that big one?
Speaker 7 (09:49):
The big one?
Speaker 6 (09:51):
Well, you have a good eye, my friend. This would
be a butter finger.
Speaker 5 (09:57):
What do they do?
Speaker 6 (09:58):
Well, they crunch and then they get all chocolatey on you. Yeah,
I want a butter finger.
Speaker 7 (10:09):
You know what?
Speaker 1 (10:09):
You want a butter finger? No, I don't thank you. No,
ring my doorbell. I don't think ring the doorbell. I
don't want to go ahead ding dong? Oh who could
that be?
Speaker 7 (10:17):
Clump cump plump clump clump.
Speaker 6 (10:18):
Oh hey, how adorable?
Speaker 1 (10:25):
And who are you?
Speaker 5 (10:26):
A correspondent.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
And a very scary correspondent? What do you say?
Speaker 5 (10:36):
I don't know what do you say?
Speaker 1 (10:37):
You know what to say?
Speaker 5 (10:38):
I don't know what to do?
Speaker 6 (10:39):
Three little words I want can, no, no, no, you
know the words?
Speaker 1 (10:44):
Go ahead, say the words.
Speaker 7 (10:48):
Tree, tree, chick or chee? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (11:07):
Oh, Halloween is an until tomorrow? Bye?
Speaker 5 (11:12):
I want candy.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
I'm Steve Carrell.
Speaker 5 (11:14):
I want the cannon.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
This has been even Stephen, I want.
Speaker 7 (11:17):
To be a veil fire.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
On the more pressing and important issues. The United States
Senate is in the middle of a heated battle over
legislation calling for a patient's Bill of Rights. Lost amidst
the part of partisan bickering, however, is how this bill
really affects the average American? So here to partisanally bicker
over how this bill really affects the average American? Steve
Carell and Stephen Colbert and even Stephen.
Speaker 6 (11:45):
You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's
the weather like up your own acts?
Speaker 1 (11:56):
Tonight's subject is it time for a patient's bill of yes.
No yes.
Speaker 6 (12:04):
The patient's bill of rights would guarantee consumers the right
to sue their HMOs if they fail to provide critical care.
This will finally shift the balance of power away from
large bureaucratic solace institutions and give it.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
To law firms. That's good.
Speaker 6 (12:20):
And anyone who feels differently is a Nazi, Stephen, Well, Steve.
Speaker 1 (12:25):
If being a Nazi is wrong, I don't want to
be right.
Speaker 4 (12:30):
This legislation is a prescription for a recipe for disaster.
If bureaucrats at health maintenance organizations are constantly worrying about lawsuits,
where will they find the time to play God with
our lives? And if they don't play God, who will God?
Speaker 5 (12:46):
I don't think so.
Speaker 6 (12:48):
He's got bigger fish to fry. No one is playing
God here, Steven. Sure it might be comforting to a
patient dying from an HMO's negligence to think an old
man and a white beard is going to dispense justice
from on high. But the fact is we need the
earthly justice of lawyers, for there is no divine justice,
(13:09):
for there is no.
Speaker 5 (13:10):
God, no God, no God.
Speaker 1 (13:16):
First of all, HMO's are not the enemy. Second, no God.
Speaker 4 (13:21):
The fool says in his heart there is no God.
But in this statement, is there not implied the far
grander question, who is he who put us here that
we may even doubt him?
Speaker 1 (13:30):
Steve? Behold the radiant beauty.
Speaker 4 (13:33):
Of existence and answer me this, Why is there something
instead of nothing?
Speaker 7 (13:44):
Well?
Speaker 6 (13:45):
There you go again, Steven, not staying on topic. You're
just afraid to admit that the working people of this country.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Are an answer the question why is there something instead
of nothing? Big bang? But who knew you and loved
you even before the fires of creation? Let me just
(14:15):
check my notes, Steve. Don't you see there is a
deeper reality that transcends what you and I may debate
here at this desk. Don't you know in your heart
of hearts that we all bask in His eternal light? Yes,
that ultimately we are one in the fathomless mind of God.
Speaker 4 (14:40):
Yes, And that what one man Steve Correll may or
may not believe about the patient's bill of rights, a
meaningless piece of paper, is ultimately.
Speaker 5 (14:52):
Meaningless. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Speaker 7 (14:58):
Yes, I'm right, you're wrong, and I'm right.
Speaker 9 (15:02):
I win, I win, I win.
Speaker 5 (15:06):
Whow no, but we are all one in the mind
of God.
Speaker 10 (15:17):
But on earth, you're a loser and I'm a winner
from the winner's circle. I'm Stephen Colman, I'm Steve Carrell,
and this has been even Stephen, you lose.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
While Dan rather has shied away from breaking down the
stem cell debate, You're at the Daily Show, will do
no such thing. You're just shed so much needed light
on the topic, Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell. With even Stephen, You've.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Just made me vomit in my own mouth? What's the
weather like up your own acts?
Speaker 6 (15:56):
Tennight's topic Dutch prostitutes. Do they deserve our mental protection?
Speaker 5 (16:01):
Yes?
Speaker 9 (16:01):
And what Yes?
Speaker 6 (16:04):
The Netherlands have long been known for its affordable, attractive
and gracious.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Who wait, wait, wait, wait, what are you talking about
tonight's topic Dutch prostitutes? Yeah, no, no, no, that's not
the topic. The topic is stem cell research. Don't think so?
Speaker 6 (16:26):
Wow, Okay, I'll bite. Why is tonight's topic stem cell research?
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Because that's what we agreed we're going to debate. We're
going to debate the big issue on the front of
the Sunday New York Times.
Speaker 5 (16:36):
Exactly.
Speaker 6 (16:37):
Yes, I've got it right here. It's the big canet
A shot of this big article right there. Dutch prostitutes
see that.
Speaker 5 (16:45):
Yeah, I thought it right above that.
Speaker 4 (16:46):
See the stem cell battles moving to Congress. This is
this is it right here, John, We're doing stem cell
research right. It's not Dutch prositut stem cells right.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
That was my Understandingay, great, fine, gang up on Steve day.
We'll do stem cell research. I don't know what it is.
I am for it. Why you read the article? You
(17:16):
tell me?
Speaker 4 (17:18):
Well, is it possibly because stem cells are highly adaptable
and transplantable, basic building blocks of human tissue that could
someday lead to the cure of ms Parkinson's and Alzheimer's.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
Yes, that is exactly why, Stephen.
Speaker 6 (17:33):
Because unlike someone I could name, I am not a
big fan of people dying. So I say, stem cell,
stem cell stems, stem cell research, yes, neurological disorders no.
Speaker 1 (17:47):
Stephen, I know before you commit you there is an
argument against stem cell research.
Speaker 6 (17:52):
Okay, here we go, mister, mister mcphacty head.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
I can't wait watch this. John is gonna really blow
us all away.
Speaker 4 (18:01):
Go ahead, well, to obtain the best stem cells human
embryos have to be destroyed, and some people fear that
this could lead to a mass production of embryo genetic
engineering and organ farming.
Speaker 6 (18:13):
Please, Steven, that is such a load of disturbing information
that if you think about it and let it sink in,
you will realize that I am against stem cell research,
and I dare you to try to poke a hole
(18:33):
in my ironclad argument. Beauchampce bonivon't bon apetite.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
Well, Steven.
Speaker 4 (18:40):
In fact, Steph, in fact, most of these embryos are
going to come from fertility clinics and they're going to
be destroyed anyway. So an argument could be made that
this life saving research should be derived from what is
already an unfortunate situation.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
Why don't we just do the Dutch prostitutes think?
Speaker 6 (18:59):
Come on and Steve, this is an important subject we
have to debate. See if it's an emotional subject. Oh,
I wouldn't a personal subject, Steve. All I'm saying is.
Speaker 4 (19:08):
That you're not alone and feeling torn about this. Okay,
you can come on either side of the subject. And
I suppose that ultimately there is no one and no
way to objectively find out who is right and who
is wrong.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Dutch prostitute.
Speaker 7 (19:25):
Yeah, we are out of time.
Speaker 6 (19:29):
I'm Stephen Colbert, Steve Carell and even Stephen.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
There's a war going on out there, but there's also
another battle being fought between the government and the members.
Speaker 7 (19:44):
Of the press.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
How much does the public need to know?
Speaker 5 (19:50):
Here?
Speaker 2 (19:51):
To answer that question? Are Steve Carell and Stephen Colbert?
With even Stephen, You've just made me vomit in my
own mouth?
Speaker 1 (20:00):
What's the weather? Life? Up your own asks?
Speaker 4 (20:07):
Should the United States government be more forthcoming to the
media on the war in Afghanistan?
Speaker 1 (20:12):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (20:13):
No, Ari Fleischer and the White House are causing a
communication breakdown of led zeppelinish proportions.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Watch this. It's information that is classified in nature. I've
said about all I'm going to say on this topic.
I think we've exhausted this topic.
Speaker 4 (20:34):
This is about a half an hour brief, and we
can spend all half hour on it if you like.
Speaker 6 (20:39):
He's stonewalling. But I'm not surprised you don't care about
the freedom of the press. Is you've long used our
constitution as a bum wipe.
Speaker 7 (20:49):
Steve.
Speaker 4 (20:50):
Let's not have this disintegrate into yet another series of
personal attacks.
Speaker 1 (20:54):
Okay, Fatty, fair enough?
Speaker 6 (20:59):
The only reason you on the other bloodsuckers in the
press ask questions that you know Ari Fleischer can't answer
is to rattle his cage and get him accidentally saying
something that could threaten national security. Well, if government officials
don't give me the answers I need, I'm going to
have to get them myself. Develop my own sources, check facts,
write things down. I am a journalist, That's not my job.
(21:23):
There are people out there whose job it is to
do my job, and I'm not one of them. Is
that so hard to understand?
Speaker 1 (21:29):
Steve?
Speaker 4 (21:30):
You need to understand that there are times that the
best thing the government can do is to say nothing.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
Secrets aren't always bad. I mean there are things I
don't tell you. Oh, you tell me everything. No, I
don't like what I can't tell you. Well, does it
involve you or me?
Speaker 5 (21:46):
Yes?
Speaker 9 (21:47):
Who?
Speaker 3 (21:47):
Me?
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Or you?
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Steve?
Speaker 4 (21:48):
We've exhausted this topic. Now are there any other questions?
Speaker 1 (21:52):
Uh?
Speaker 5 (21:52):
You?
Speaker 7 (21:53):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (21:54):
Steve Carell Daily Show? What are you talking about? What's
the secret?
Speaker 5 (21:58):
Steve?
Speaker 4 (21:59):
All I can tell you is is that it is terrible.
It is horrible, it is imminent, and it only involves you.
And I can't tell you what it is. You're kidding, Yes,
not really, Steve. The point is, in situations like this,
the facts are just going to terrify the public. And
if that's all the press can do, why don't we
(22:20):
just make up our stories. Watch this justin evil clown
with hook for hands spotted in woods behind Cabin fourteen
at Camp Winnsauki. He's in the house, now, get out
see not a single fact, but some poor sap living
at thirteen sad Bastard Lane in Rubetown, USA is hanging
(22:43):
on my every word.
Speaker 6 (22:44):
Steve YEA yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, No, it was
just on. It was just on, like the clown with
the hook.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
I just saw it. They just did a report. Why
I don't know. He's in the house.
Speaker 6 (22:54):
You have to get out of the house, Steve, Honey.
They said he was behind cabin fourteen.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Are we close to that? I was just giving an exemptive,
But come on, I'm dealing with the clown problem here. Okay,
get in the game, Colbert.
Speaker 4 (23:07):
I'm Stephen Colbert, Steve Carell and this has been even Stephen, God,
what is happening to.
Speaker 1 (23:11):
Our country.
Speaker 6 (23:16):
Now?
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Obviously the crisis in the Middle East is continuing to
dominate the news here to bring so much needed perspective
on that situation. Our senior pundit team, Steve Carell and
Stephen Colbert with even Stephen.
Speaker 3 (23:27):
You have just made me vomit in my own mouth.
What's the weather like up your own acts?
Speaker 5 (23:37):
Tonight's topic.
Speaker 4 (23:38):
Should the US sponsor piece talks in the Middle East?
Speaker 5 (23:41):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (23:41):
No, yes, Stephen. With great power comes great responsibility. As
the warm, moist womb of liberty, the United States cannot
shirk its duty to bring these two sides to the
table or some other suitable piece of furniture.
Speaker 4 (23:58):
Steve, that's a stupid thing to say, and you're a
stupid person for saying it. It's not the US's job
to be the world's policeman, the world's fireman.
Speaker 6 (24:07):
Maybe policemen firemen. I think we can both agree. We'd
have a big bushy mustache. The Israelis are our democratic allies,
the sole democracy in the region.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
We must support them.
Speaker 4 (24:19):
Well, I'm not surprised that you would want to entangle
the US and that quagmire, mister Stephen correllenbergo witsteinish sky bird.
Speaker 1 (24:31):
I don't follow, Yes, you do. The teachings of Moses.
I'm not Jewish, You're not. No, I'm Catholic as am.
I shut up?
Speaker 7 (24:44):
Seriously.
Speaker 1 (24:45):
Eleven brothers and sisters, Oh way, yeah, really, why are
we ben talking about that?
Speaker 5 (24:49):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
I mean we're both Catholics, right, Seriously? The Jews and
Muzzlim Arabs?
Speaker 5 (24:54):
Who cares? What do you want to do?
Speaker 9 (24:58):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
How about lightning round?
Speaker 7 (25:01):
Lightning ground? Lightning round? Invading Iraq?
Speaker 5 (25:11):
Now?
Speaker 1 (25:11):
Were next year?
Speaker 5 (25:12):
Now? Next year?
Speaker 1 (25:14):
Two thousand and four? Democrats gore or carry go? Carry go?
Link or patty link?
Speaker 7 (25:21):
Patty?
Speaker 4 (25:22):
Did the Argentinian governments tying the value of the peso
to the dollar lead to the current economic crisis.
Speaker 1 (25:27):
In Buenos Aires? Ye, Argentina?
Speaker 5 (25:30):
Where is that?
Speaker 1 (25:30):
I think it's in Mexico.
Speaker 4 (25:33):
Grandma's or grandpa's past pass, grandpa's pass. The pedophilia scandal
in the Catholic Church.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
I don't see why we need to talk about. The
church is gonna work it out, absolutely, wow. Eleven brothers
and sisters. Jimmy Eddy Marmos. Next question, Yes or no? Yes?
Speaker 3 (26:04):
No?
Speaker 5 (26:05):
Yes?
Speaker 4 (26:07):
Does the French election signal the re emergence of fascism
in Europe?
Speaker 3 (26:11):
We?
Speaker 5 (26:11):
No?
Speaker 1 (26:11):
We Finally, Steve, should we change the way we talk?
Speaker 4 (26:16):
Let's face it, this halting newsman cadence is both artificial
and robotic, granted, but I'm afraid.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
We can't just do that, Steve. Like a shark. If
we stop, we will die.
Speaker 6 (26:28):
I'm Stephen Colbert and I'm Steve Carell, and this has
been even Stephen.
Speaker 5 (26:36):
For more insight on.
Speaker 2 (26:37):
The death tax issue, we turned to resident political pundits
Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell with even Stephen, you just
made me.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Vomit on my own mouth? What's the weather like up
your own acts? Is the death tax good for America?
Speaker 5 (26:58):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (26:58):
No, Yeaster day, I was beside myself with joy over
last week's vote by the Senate to retain the death tax.
Speaker 1 (27:09):
It's a big revenue generator.
Speaker 6 (27:10):
That affects only the nation's wealthiest one percent. It sends
a powerful social message that even the children of the
very rich must make their own way in the world.
But more than that, in the same way that taxes
on smoking discourage smoking and taxes on drinking discourage drinking,
hopefully this death tax will keep people from dying.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
It is a filthy habit and it has to stop.
Speaker 6 (27:33):
But I suppose you and your fat cat friends in
Washington won't be happy till everybody's dead.
Speaker 4 (27:39):
Steve, the death tax is inherently unfair. It taxes the
same money twice, once when you earn it and once
more after you die. It goes against everything Americans, whole
deer money. The point is, it's not It's not the
dead who are going to suffer, unless, of course they've
been sinful, then they'll burn forever in a lake of
(28:00):
It is the living, rather, the children of the insanely wealthy,
who will suffer by being rendered merely sanely wealthy. But
tax away, Comrade Kirellovich, A grateful Motherland salutes you.
Speaker 5 (28:13):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (28:13):
You are taking this so personally, Steven.
Speaker 6 (28:16):
You'd think this was a tax on pompous windbags who
make me sick, You fat.
Speaker 1 (28:20):
Ass, Steve.
Speaker 4 (28:22):
Let me give you a hypothetical example of someone who
would be directly hurt by your regressive tax. Now, this
person is not rich, but this person married someone because
her father is. Hypothetically, now, this rich old bastard, whose daughter,
by the way, has a face like a Hieronymous Bosh nightmare,
was barely functioning when this person married her I'm talking
(28:43):
catheter's iron lung bit. But against all rational expectations, he's
hung on for seven years. It's like he's staying alive
out of spite. You're saying, when that shriveled husk finally kicks,
the government should get more than half of what's rightfully
a person in my examples.
Speaker 6 (29:03):
Well, for now, under current law, the tax is scheduled
to expire in twenty ten.
Speaker 1 (29:07):
Person in my example can't wait that long. All the
nagging and the carping. I just I swear the person
in my example is just gonna lose it.
Speaker 4 (29:17):
I'm sorry, I just get I just get so upset
when I think about the person.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
In my example.
Speaker 6 (29:24):
Well, you know seven Sometimes the people in hypothetical examples
just die.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
Yeah, That's what I'm saying.
Speaker 6 (29:35):
But no, no, no, you're not listening to me. Sometimes
the people hypothetical examples just imaginary nurses can be bribed,
(29:55):
Accidents can be postulated to have happened.
Speaker 5 (30:01):
Right now.
Speaker 6 (30:03):
Let's further speculate that an opportunistic associate was willing for
say a million dollars.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
Five hundred thousand, eight seven seven fifty done.
Speaker 6 (30:15):
To facilitate this. Shall we say early retirement. What would
the person in your example say to the person in
my example.
Speaker 4 (30:23):
I think he'd say, let's do it. Oh, but the
person in my example sell us to pay the damn
death tax.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
Well, half a buttload is still butt load. Yeah, all right,
all right, you make a strong all right man.
Speaker 4 (30:37):
I might have to uh concede this one as long
as this argument can never be traced back to me.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
I'm Stephen Colbert and I'm Steve Carell, and this even
Stephen never happened? What even Stephen?
Speaker 5 (30:53):
Exactly?
Speaker 2 (30:59):
The run of the Republican nomination has George Bush and
John McCain mired an assesspool of mutual character assassination. Tonight,
our two senior pundits go head to head on the
issue of negative campaigning. In even Stephen, do you think
that you're an idiot?
Speaker 4 (31:17):
You're a total freak, smear tactics, dirty pool, taking the
low road.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
Is this what American politics should be? Yes?
Speaker 6 (31:30):
No, yes, let's face it, Stephen, politics have become a bore.
Less than thirty percent of Americans vote, and most of
them are drunk or bust in by the Chinese to
do their bidding.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Steve stooping to the lowest common denominator.
Speaker 4 (31:48):
Isn't the answer? I could say and get all sorts
of attention. But shouldn't we hold our leaders to a
higher standard? What about campaign financial form? What about out
soft money? What about school vouchers?
Speaker 1 (32:08):
Sorry I faded away there for a second. What were
you saying about? You're just proving my point, Steve.
Speaker 4 (32:17):
Negative campaigning has denigrated the political process.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
Look, this is nothing new.
Speaker 6 (32:23):
Stephen Douglas once referred to Abraham Lincoln as a fussy scoundrel,
while Lincoln shot back with accusations of skullduggery. Harsh words.
But that's politics as usual. Political figures are fair game.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
Any any public figure is fair game.
Speaker 6 (32:43):
Any public or political figure. Really, you heard it here first,
rolland Scottie.
Speaker 4 (32:51):
We all know Steve Carell as a fourth Right Square
job correspondent, But what you may not know is that
his real name is Caroselli. This Johnny cumlately anglophile is
running from a Mediterranean past.
Speaker 1 (33:06):
He may tell you the news, but he.
Speaker 4 (33:08):
Would probably prefer to tell you I like it a
spicy on me, Steve Carrell, He's not who you think
pay for By Stephen Colbert, what what was what do
(33:31):
you what was that? A completely unfair profile, and so
is this Steve Carrell never served a single day of
active military duty during the Spanish American War just because
it ended in eighteen ninety eight is too easy In answer, Steve,
Steve Carell, he's a coward pay for by Stephen Colbert.
Speaker 1 (33:59):
I don't tell you why.
Speaker 5 (34:00):
I wait a second.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
You're debating, and I think you've definitely crossed the line, Stephen,
And I don't mean to interrupt, but.
Speaker 4 (34:08):
Oh, don't you John, John Stewart isn't even supposed to
be in this segment, but there he is. He should
mind his own bees wax, John Stewart, He's a nosy
nelly paid for by.
Speaker 11 (34:23):
Me, Stephen.
Speaker 2 (34:28):
I uh, it's not much of an attack.
Speaker 1 (34:32):
I don't know, John. It's testing pretty well with Catholics.
Speaker 4 (34:37):
And you know what, you know what, now that I
think of it, I guess there is a place for
character assassination in politics.
Speaker 11 (34:45):
So I.
Speaker 1 (34:48):
So I win, yes, no, yes, I'm Stephen Colbert.
Speaker 6 (34:54):
And I'm Steve Carcel Carrel.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
And this has been even it's Stephen.
Speaker 2 (35:04):
You know. Scholars and historians may well debate Bill Clinton's
presidency for centuries, but here to do it in two
and a half minutes, our own Steve Carell and Stephen
Colbert with even Stephen.
Speaker 1 (35:14):
You just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's
the weather like?
Speaker 5 (35:19):
Up your own acts?
Speaker 1 (35:25):
Have the Clinton years been good for America?
Speaker 5 (35:27):
Yes? No, yay.
Speaker 6 (35:30):
In nineteen ninety two our country was in a severe
economic recession. Eight years of unprecedented prosperity. Later, America is
richer and stronger than it has ever been. And the
man responsible William Jefferson Clinton.
Speaker 4 (35:43):
Oh, come off, it's Steve Allen Greenspan runs this economy,
not Bill Clinton. The only thing Bill Clinton has brought
us these last eight years is moral turpitude and national shame.
Speaker 1 (35:51):
Two words.
Speaker 6 (35:52):
Stephen dow ten thousand, Whitewater, welfare reform, Monica Gates, eight
years of peace.
Speaker 7 (35:58):
Shut the fuck up, Shut up, shut up, Shut up. God,
your voice is like a jackal picking out my brain.
Speaker 5 (36:08):
I hate you.
Speaker 7 (36:09):
I hate who you are and what you do and
how you sound and what you say. You're like a
cancer on my life.
Speaker 11 (36:17):
God, Well that was ugly and humiliating.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
You feel any better.
Speaker 5 (36:34):
Now, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (36:36):
I'm just I'm just tired and and I'm upset. About Clinton.
Speaker 6 (36:40):
Every time we fight, it's because of Clinton or the
economy or NAFTA. I don't think the problem is out there.
I think the problem is right here, and I think
we need to talk about it.
Speaker 1 (36:50):
We don't have a problem. Okay, we're fine. Okay, you're fine,
You're great. Don't your arguments just don't Okay.
Speaker 6 (36:56):
You know, I've been giving this some thought, and well,
maybe we need to commentate with other people.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
For me, have you been working with CNN's Robert Novak.
Bob appreciates me. I can smell him on you. I'm
gonna I'm gonna kill him. No, you know what, Bob
(37:23):
has control of his anger. He doesn't lash out. Steven.
Look at me, Steve, look at me, Look at me.
You have a problem.
Speaker 6 (37:33):
And until you can get control of that anger, I
just don't think we can be together.
Speaker 1 (37:38):
Steve, Steven, you can't do this. Coochie and I never fight.
We love each other.
Speaker 7 (37:45):
You've gotta find the love.
Speaker 1 (37:57):
You know something. Maybe ABC Sam Donaldson is.
Speaker 5 (38:01):
You know, maybe he is?
Speaker 1 (38:04):
Askoo Sam Donaldson. I I hate you.
Speaker 4 (38:07):
I'm Steve Correll, I'm Stephen Colbert and this has been
eden Stephen.
Speaker 2 (38:14):
With the recent rejection of two pieces of legislation, dear
to President Clinton's heart campaign finance reform and the Nuclear
Test Ban treaty. Many observers are wondering whether the Republican
controlled Congress is deliberately trying to diminish the President's legacy.
And what better way to understand the issue than to
have two pundits of violently opposing viewpoints disagree with each other.
Speaker 6 (38:36):
You've just made me vomit in my own mouth. What's
the weather like up your own acts.
Speaker 7 (38:46):
Tonight?
Speaker 1 (38:46):
Are the Republicans out to get Bill Clinton?
Speaker 5 (38:49):
Yes?
Speaker 6 (38:49):
No, yes, Stephen, the Republicans are trying to humiliate Bill Clinton.
Unless you would have us believe that the right wing
is legitimately anti fiscal responsibility and pro radiation?
Speaker 4 (39:06):
Do you think us blind, blind as masturbating bats with glaucoma?
Speaker 6 (39:14):
What my esteem colleague on the left fails to realize
is neither Bill serves this country's interests or enjoys widespread support.
You know, Stephen, penicillin can cure syphilis before it infects
your brain. The campaign finance bill was in fact co
sponsored by Republican Senator John McCain, and the Nuclear test
(39:36):
Ban treaty was backed by nearly every major world leader
and international scientist.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
Oh really, well, then, Steve.
Speaker 5 (39:47):
You're right.
Speaker 1 (39:49):
Listen to yourself, Stephen, you're up there and you're ivory
towt what you're right. I completely forgot about McCain. See.
Based on that, I can see how you you thought
that you know the Republicans are out to get him?
Can you?
Speaker 9 (40:05):
Yes?
Speaker 1 (40:10):
Well, very well, then good.
Speaker 5 (40:13):
I win. Yeah, it looks like it.
Speaker 1 (40:28):
May I speak to you for a minute.
Speaker 6 (40:31):
We're being paid to argue here, okay, and you a
green with me is not going to put food on
the table.
Speaker 1 (40:39):
You know what I'm saying. So once you just ratchet
it up a little bit, Okay, you.
Speaker 5 (40:45):
Drop this.
Speaker 1 (40:48):
Now?
Speaker 6 (40:48):
Is the room spinning or is the rapid waffling of
the spineless GOP Congress making me dizzy? Maybe you'd vote
for murder if you thought it would embarrass the president?
Speaker 1 (40:57):
Well, I think that's an exact duration, but I can
see how you'd feel that way.
Speaker 9 (41:07):
Okay, I got a level with you.
Speaker 6 (41:20):
As job is, you go everywhere, well for me and
this debate thing, it's like the only thing I've got going.
And when you agree with me, no, still shush me
when when you agree with me, it makes it impossible
for me to say anything back to you.
Speaker 1 (41:40):
I don't even know what I don't even what to say.
Speaker 5 (41:44):
I agree what you want me to do.
Speaker 1 (41:46):
It's it's okay, what do you What do you want
me to say?
Speaker 5 (41:53):
What do you want me to say?
Speaker 1 (41:56):
I disagree with me? Okay, I think you're wrong, insult me.
I think you're an ass.
Speaker 5 (42:18):
You don't really mean that, I do? I do?
Speaker 1 (42:22):
I think you're an ass? Oh? Is that a smile?
Speaker 5 (42:26):
Smile?
Speaker 1 (42:27):
Use you, young liar?
Speaker 5 (42:29):
Do you have a smile? Yes, we do.
Speaker 6 (42:36):
I'm Stephen Colbert and I'm Stephen Carrell and this has
been even Stephen. Explore more shows from the Daily Show
podcast universe by searching The Daily Show wherever.
Speaker 7 (42:48):
You get your podcasts.
Speaker 6 (42:50):
Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount
plus
Speaker 1 (43:03):
Paramount Podcasts
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