May 19, 2025 • 33 mins
You're welcome, problems. Consider yourselves solved, thanks to The Daily Show's Resident Expert. Take a listen to some of our favorite visits from John Hodgman.
Observe as John solves climate change, then explains executive privilege and unpacks the popularity of mixed martial arts. Next he breaks down recession indicators and fixes the economy. Finishing up, he tackles health care, and fixes once and for all the problems with the Catholic Church.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central. We're gonna shift gears just
a little bit and talk about another pressing issue that's
been in the news, global warming. There's been some recent
disturbing reports on that front coming from the Arctic Circle.
With more, we turn to our resident expert, John Hodgman. John,
(00:21):
thank you so much for joining us. Appreciate it. I'm
what is the general picture today concerning global warming.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Well, the consensus position among most scientists is it's getting
hot in here, so take off all your.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Clothes, right, But why specifically do the scientists think that specifically?
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Well, new findings revealed that in the past five years,
the glaciers around Greenland have melted at twice their previous rate. Now,
this map the contours of the Arctic glacial masses as
they exist today. But at this rate of glacial retreat,
within only three generations, the seas could rise as much
as a meter, changing the map dramatically.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
When you say dramatically, you were talking about the change
of the water.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
Level or that explosion between the two of them, the maps.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Yeah, it was very dramatic.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
That was a dramatic change.
Speaker 4 (01:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
The arrows on that chart is that wildlife migrating.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
No, those are unfrozen cavemen moving from place to place.
We estimate that there are perhaps twenty thousand prehistoric hunter
gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply
thaw and wander around, it's not a problem. But if
they find a leader, a captain caveman if you want,
we will be facing an even more serious problem.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
So the problems that you foresee with global warming are
rising sea levels, yes, and organized flesh eating cavemen.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Potentially organized yes, And all because you didn't buy a
hybrid car this year.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Wow. Incredible, A small thing like that, it's like a
butterfly effect, if you will, I'm sorry, what a butterfly?
The butterfly like that? Saying a butterfly flaps its wing
in China and causes a hurricane, say in Peru.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Yeah, I don't think a butterfly could actually do that.
Maybe a gigantic butterfly, like some kind of Mathra type creature,
But that's a very different problem. And I want to
assure you people that the Mathra problem is something we
have completely under control.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
John, Why isn't the government, our government doing more to
fight this global warming?
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Well, this administration feels that the areas of the nation
their most concerned about Houston, Sun Valley, Scottsdale.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
They'll all be just fine.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Of course, Manhattan will be more or less a swim
up bar for Long Island and New Jersey.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
But basically that's what it is now. Anyway.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
Is that why the administration doesn't urge us to drive
less or reduce emissions or really anything.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Well, the President's position is the answer isn't regulation but
American ingenuity.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
So we're just going to wait for someone to solve it.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
No, no, no, This administration is very proactive, using genetic testing.
They've already isolated two young children whom they think have
the best chance of solving the global warming crisis, most
likely through some kind of anti global warming machine, an
aerosol spray of some kind, or a gel anyway.
Speaker 3 (03:49):
To keep them safe.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
They've been placed in a raft on stilts, given some
science books but no television, and they can't get off
until one of them cracks this nut.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Which child do you think we'll do it?
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Oh? My money's on the kid with the bigger head
between you and me.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
I think that other one is unfrozen caveman food.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
All right, John Hodgman. Everybody, We'll be right back after
that for more of this concept. We turned a resident
Act for John Hodgmen. John, of course, thank you very
much for joining us.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Oh not at all, John, it's my privilege to be here.
My executive privilege.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
I still got it, John, what a.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
What is executive privilege?
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Executive privilege is a special right of privacy asserted by
presidents when they don't want you to hear about something
bad they did.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
It's it's as simple as that.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Oh yes, It's similar to claiming the fifth or in
medieval times, tagging a priest and yelling sanctuary.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
At that point, the priest was it.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
But presidents don't just invoke it to cover up something bad.
Speaker 3 (05:04):
Well think about it.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
How often will the president say, oh, my god, these
memos prove I've behaved ethically throughout my term of office.
Destroy them.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
No.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Presidents invoke it in cases ranging from burglary to sex
to racing dogs for money in the White House bowling alley.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Are you suggesting there was a president who raced dogs
for money in the White House bowling alley?
Speaker 2 (05:30):
I'm not suggesting it. That would violate executive privilege. Instead,
I'm showing you this photo. Do you know what makes
bowling Alley dog racing so excited exciting is that they're pause,
don't get any traction on the wax.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
You know the White House bowling Alley only has one lane.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Yes, that's what's wrong with that photo.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
You're right, good eye.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
My point is this, John, Is this practice legal?
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Well, it's not really clear. The words executive privilege never
appear in the Constitution. Still, presidents have been asserting it
since the birth of our nation in fifteen twenty.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Two seventeen seventy six.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
Yeah, and Pluto's a planet.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
It goes all the way back to our so called
first president, George Washington, who cited it regarding foreign policy.
So did Thomas Jefferson regarding his love letters to Aaron Burr.
James Garfield claimed executive privilege to keep doctors from removing
the assassin's bullet that was lodged and his enters for
four months. Funny story about Garfield. In the end, he
died of sepsis not too soon?
Speaker 1 (06:46):
What John. By the seventies, though, there was also Richard.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
Nixon Interesting go on, well, no, I mean.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Richard Nixley was famously claiming executive privileged, Watergate, and so
much with the secrecy, although ironically rigging his office with
microphones and tape recording every word. I mean, ifs so
facto actually literally causing his.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Own downfall, fascinating.
Speaker 3 (07:20):
Did you know that Richard Nixon owned one of the
first cell phones in the United States?
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Really?
Speaker 3 (07:26):
No, and we're back now.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
The reason presidents claim executive privilege is to protect the
public from knowing how it's being governed. There's some truth
you just don't want to know. It would be like
walking on with your parents while they're having sex with
one of your teachers. Stark.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
But obviously this president is claiming executive privilege because that's
the only way he says he can get unfettered advice.
Speaker 3 (07:54):
Well, there's something to that.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
I mean, here we are with all these people, we're
not interacting in the same way we would be private.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Well, you know, John, I don't I don't necessarily know
about that.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I think so you wouldn't mind if I played back
our conversation that I taped earlier in your office this afternoon.
What conversation I think you know, the one, Chuck, Can
we roll it please?
Speaker 1 (08:16):
I'll tell you the laugh by perhaps you should.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Pick one out of the audience and strangle him.
Speaker 4 (08:26):
I think that's legal.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
Take one from the standby line.
Speaker 4 (08:29):
Who will miss them?
Speaker 2 (08:33):
I remember, no more striped ties, red tie, tonight red,
the color of blood.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
I'll show Jews, homosexuals.
Speaker 3 (08:54):
I do stand by my advice that down that the tile.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
It's great, Shall Hodgman, everybody will be right back. America's
hottest new pastime is something called mixed martial arts or MMA.
A few weeks ago, Ultimate Fighting the sports premiere tournament
Grace the cover of Sports Illustrated. It's weekly ratings now
eclipsing those of NBA and Baseball playoffs amongst young men.
(09:21):
For more, I'm joined by our resident expert, John Hodgman. John,
thanks for.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
Quitting glad to be here.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
Thank you for joining us on this topic. I was
somewhat surprised to learn that you're an expert in this field.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Oh absolutely, I'm trained in all the martial arts and
the marshal crafts, from from jiu jitsu to Brazilian capoeira
to the Israeli Kravmaga to the Danish martial art of havarte.
(09:57):
Haarte is a mild cheese, right, yes, but on the
right cracker, it can be deadly.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
It seems like mixed martial arts is really sort of
exploding and coming into its own How did all this
get started?
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Well, John, you might be surprised to learn that fighting
has actually been around for a while in all of
its various separate forms, boxing, wrestling, passive aggression.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Passive aggression is considered its own sport.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
You don't really want to know.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
But mixed martial arts, as you might imagine, combines many
different fighting techniques. A well rounded fighter will combine many styles.
Or you can choose from a menu of up to
twelve combat combos. I recommend the number five. It's judo
(10:52):
plus a side order of repeated elbow punching to the
neck and unlimited fountain soda. I don't recall that actually
at combos, John, the important thing is two men enter
the ring, but only one man. Well, they both both
men leave the ring, but only one of them does
so having won the fight. But I say ring, of course,
(11:13):
because it's actually a cage, a cage that is shaped
as an octagon.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Now I read about that. Why is it that the
cage is in the octagonal.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
Form, Well, that's a good question. What do you think?
Speaker 1 (11:28):
I don't. I don't really know. You were the expert,
so I thought that.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Think it through, John, If you wanted people to fight
in an eight sided cage, wouldn't the natural choice of
shape be an octagon. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
I'm not trying to embarrass you. It's just you asked
(11:52):
a question like that.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Let's say the octagon go. Let's just let it go.
Why why is this.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Sport so popular all of a sudden, Well, first of all,
this is not stage. It's not professional wrestling or soccer.
These are real men, really going at it on the
floor of an octagon. I mean, it's no wonder that
millions of Americans are forsaking the bloated pomposity of older
(12:17):
sports for ultimate fightings, more authentic brand of homo eroticism.
Those moves are beautiful. That's dancing as much as it
is fighting. It's very graceful.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
I watch these. I'm not here to say that violent
sports are bad.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Good, because if you did, I'd have to whoa whoa easy, easy, Copernicus.
Don't you don't you get started, Kepler. I'm sorry, but
these guys, but.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
I know they're gentlemen and scholars. Boxing, wrestling, karate are
compelling because they have strict rules traditions. Combining all that
loses the form and the artistry. Why combine them?
Speaker 3 (12:58):
Well, why combine us cell phone with a camera.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
But that's a good question. That's my point. You just
end up with a crappy phone and a crappy camera.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
Okay, you win this round, but let me say this.
It then fits in your pocket. John, And isn't that
the promise of America's melting pot.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
You're suggesting mixed martial arts is a metaphor for America.
Speaker 5 (13:27):
Whoa, whoa, easy, it's my it's my training.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
You would have thought that we would have choreographed that.
And yet and yet no, I'm not.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
I'm not, no, John, I'm suggesting that mixed martial arts
is a metaphor for a cell phone camera, which in
turn represents America.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
What better emblem for our nation? After all? Then elevelth playing.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Field shaped like an octagon where people of diverse cultural
ass kicking traditions can meet as equals and immediately start
kicking ass. I will so to the cage, then, no, sir,
not to the cage.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
We'll be right back thanks to John Hodgman, everybody or
from where We're joined by Daily Show resident expert John Hodgman. John,
thank you so much for joy us.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
Obviously, economics really.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
One of your economics, one of your many fields of expertise,
maybe one of your top fields. Are we in a recession?
A slow down, a difficult headwind?
Speaker 4 (14:40):
What is it?
Speaker 1 (14:41):
John?
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Well? John, Most economists define a recession as two consecutive
quarters of negative growth, while others look for widespread decline
and key indicators such as retail sales, employment and real GDP.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Amateurs, Well, which method do you prefer?
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Well, I'm a little more old school, John, that's just
how roll to me. The most tried and true method
for determining if you're in a recession begins with this
little device right here.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
Wow, and an antique stock ticker.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
That's more than that.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
It's an antique stock ticker with a canary inside. As
long as long as this bird is alive, the economy
is doing just fine.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
John, I don't think that the bird is doing well.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Oh no, no, no, no, he's fine. He's just taking
a little investment.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Nap.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Come on, wake up their money beak, come on, wake up? Okay,
that's that's no good.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
So this means we're in a recession.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Well, let's not be hasty. It's hard to see a
recession even when you're in one. The last recession, after all,
begin in March of two thousand and one. The economists
didn't realize it until eight months later when they had
to boil their calendars to make soup.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
Really, that's what they had Bill.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
Yes, really, I said it didn't.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
I indeed you did.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Unfortunately, that means the only way to determine if we're
in a recession now is to travel into the future.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
Obviously we can't do that.
Speaker 3 (16:15):
Well, of course we can't. I only have one time helmet.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Turn it on. There we go now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll be right back to the future. Wow.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
Oh, look, the future is just as I predicted it.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
John H.
Speaker 6 (16:43):
John, Don.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
John John.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
That's weird.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
I thought I heard a voice from.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
The past, but he's dead. He died in the Great
Plague of the end of this March two thousand and eight.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
John, Is there a recession?
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Oh right, right, Well, let's see. Things seem pretty stable
around here. I'm I'm employed, obviously, that's always a good indicator,
and it's Oh no, what's that? Oh no, no, it's
face vaders. No no, no, no, camera one. Take me
back to the past.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
That was that was exciting.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
That was a close one.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
And may I say the special effects in the future
are amazing.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
You know, well technology is advanced substantially by.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Then, yes it has. Did you find anything out about
the recession while you were.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
Oh no, no, I didn't find anything. Then oh that
Pamela Anderson gets married again. That woman is crazy.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
Does it really matter whether we call it a recession
or not.
Speaker 2 (17:49):
Absolutely? You don't want to panic people.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
But it's it's just semantics, exactly.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
Words matter, John.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
When people find out that their homes are being foreclosed,
they're typically very sad. But if you tell them they're
going camping forever, moneybeak, you're alive. Maybe the economy is
(18:16):
turning around. Oh no, no, he's still dead. I forgot
put money Beak on my ringtone.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Well, thank you very much, John, money beak. All right,
we'll talk to you matter, John Hodgson. Everybody will be
rubbed back for years. Our good friend John Hodgman has
served as The Daily Show's resident expert, mostly to promoter
his books, which are written by prison inmates and orphans.
It's a pretty good scam. But with our nation and
(18:44):
planet facing so many urgent problems, he has decided to
use his expertise for the betterment of mankind.
Speaker 7 (18:49):
In this new segment, it's your Welcome with John Hodgman.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
John, so delighted that you've decided to use your powers
for good? What problem are you going to solve tonight?
Speaker 2 (19:14):
The economy? John, As you know, the country is on
the brink of financial collapse.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Exactly, John, what a wee?
Speaker 2 (19:19):
Time for questions only, bold, incomplete sentences, credit frozen retail sales,
cratering problem, no consumer confidence. Let me ask you, John,
what are the markets doing right now?
Speaker 1 (19:33):
I believe that they're crashing right?
Speaker 2 (19:34):
And who do you need in a crash? Chesley Sully Sullenberger.
He's the only one who can pilot this nation to
the soft water landing we so desperately need and so
witness our new currency, the Sully Buck.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
The Sully buck.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Globally, it's already more respected than your Euro. Plus there's
a built rewards program for every hundred Selli bucks you spend.
The Canadian goose is strangled, and that's direct stimulus to
the goose packing industry.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
It's an excellent plan, but can't we judge?
Speaker 2 (20:10):
And every time you talk, people are losing confidence. It's
just like with Treasury Secretary Geidner. He spoke the other
day in Wall Street.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
Panicked, Yes, why did that happen?
Speaker 2 (20:19):
Well, let's take a look at the tape.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
We'll announce the details of this plan in the next
few weeks.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Sell sell, sell everything, Sell all my stock, John, John, John, Oh,
I'm sorry, I just got caught up in his wooden,
nervous lack of reassuranceness. You see, it's all a matter
of psychology. John. If someone can't convince us that the
economy is okay, it will fall apart. Prosperity is, in
a sense, a shared illusion, which brings me to step two.
Welcome our new Treasury Secretary, mister Chris Angel.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
We're going to try to do the impossible.
Speaker 4 (20:49):
I believe in you.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
Specifically, Secretary Designates Angel will levitate the economy, make it disappear,
and then pull it out of the belly button of
a Hooter's waitress.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
All right, that's very nice.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
All right, So that is part two, and that's John.
The economy is running out of time. I'll tell you what.
Let's move on to the lightning round, all right. First,
to make it more appealing, sales tax will now be
known as pudding, as in hey, great eight and a
quarter percent pudding. Next, there'll be mirrors at every cash register.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Dah, so people can see themselves give themselves a little
pep talk.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
Yes, and also for cutting up. Cocaine also available at
every cash register.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Cocaine.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
You want cocaine, John, I've discovered that the substance cocaine
makes people feel very confident.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
That that's that's uh, John Hodgman, that's that's illegal. I
don't think John, I don't.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Think you understand. Oh oh no, what is that?
Speaker 1 (21:47):
What's happening?
Speaker 2 (21:47):
That's it. That's the five minute warning to economic collapse.
It's time to break out the big stimulus guns. Emergency Christmas?
Speaker 1 (21:57):
What what.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Emergency Christmas? Tomorrow? There are only fourteen shopping hours left. Chop, chop,
let's go.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Well, it's a little bit of a late notice.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
John. Are you saying that you didn't get me anything
for emergency Christmas?
Speaker 3 (22:14):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (22:15):
This is the worst emergency Christmas ever.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Well, thank you very much for the solutions. John Hodgman, everyone.
You're welcome everywhere by well, it's Claire. How easily the
debate can be hijacked, someone will need to ride to
the rescue of healthcare reform. Luckily that someone works at
the Daily Show. For answers, we turn to our resident expert,
John Hodgman and his segment, You're welcome. Thank you very much,
(22:40):
John Hodgman. Ladies and gentlemen here to joining Cab office.
Thank you for joining us in this important debate. But
Americans are now having.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
You're absolutely welcome, John. America is sick. It's going to
take some major surgery to heal this nation. There's going
to be some hard, bitter pills to swallow, and also
a lot of terrible medical metaphors. But don't worry, Doctor
Hodgman is in first problem access. Almost fifty million people
in this country are uninsured. But I've happened to notice
(23:09):
that none of those people are in Congress. Every one
of us in Congress have a good healthcare plan.
Speaker 6 (23:15):
If we had to go through what most Americans are
going through, we'd be busy trying to fix this.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
White hair man is right. So I'm going to write
my first prescription. Make every American a member of Congress.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
I don't know, John, actually that that's practical.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Oh really in some respects, What if I wrote a
little prescription for vicotin for you as well, John, Would
that make it go down a little easier.
Speaker 1 (23:36):
You're not a doctor, You're not actually a doctor.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Not offline, I suppose. But fine. There's certainly more than
one way to skin this patient. Prescription too. A healthy
dose of prevention.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Now, yes, exercise, diet, that sort of thing.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
No, no, John, illness is not transmitted through diet and exercise.
I'm talking about preventing contact, moving the sick people to
a designated area far away from the rest of us.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
You're talking about a leper colony.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
No, no, no, no. A leper colony is a degrading
medieval concept. This is more like a leper resort. I
call it Camp Sniffles. It's not only completely isolated and
patrolled by dogs. It's also a lot of fun and
(24:25):
you can leave it. No, no, not alive.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
But talk about costs. Talk about your plans seem very
expensive and all the plans on the table require hundreds
of billions in additional funding.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
Yes, John, but there is a solution and it lies
inside each and every one of us.
Speaker 6 (24:42):
The kind of arrangement that I would like to see
is the ability for strangers who are willing to give
a kidney and save someone's life to be able to
get a tax credit or free health care, or a
contribution to their retirement account.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Diagnosis, great idea prescription pay for health care by letting
people sell their organs. John, do you have any idea
how much a healthy kidney is worth?
Speaker 1 (25:09):
I don't have any idea, John.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
One hundred and sixty thousand dollars. Wow, And we all
have two of them, like big fat money bags, nestled
back here behind the screen. And what are people doing
with them? Using them to filter their urine? I say,
turn that stream of waste into a real golden shower
(25:31):
of money.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
If I'm hearing you correctly, and I believe that I am, yes,
doesn't that just turn poor people into living organ farms
for the rich?
Speaker 2 (25:47):
Whoa, John, what do you have against the American farmer?
We use some kind of East Coast elitist? What do
you drink bud light? Think about it, John, Under this system,
the least privilege among us can charge charge the most
for their most precious, hardest What how in what way. Well,
you pay more for organic eggs, don't you. Well, congratulations
(26:08):
homeless people. Under my new labeling laws, you may not
call yourselves free range. Suddenly, even the lowliest hobo has
half a million dollars sloshing around in his rotting Torso
why he can cash in his kidney for a new
flat screen TV, maybe a lung for a prius, or
(26:29):
his other kidney for a dialysis machine, or better yet,
mortgagees whole lower body for a condominium there. I just
saw the healthcare crisis, the real estate crisis, and I
fixed the economy. You're welcome.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
You just killed a hobo, is what you did? That
is monstrous? You killed a lobo?
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Monstrous? John, Yes, I think it's quite beautiful.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
I'm sure you do.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
I mean, finally, we'll live in a world where a
person's value isn't determined by what kind of car they
drive or how much money they have in the bank.
That's what's in here and also what's in there, John,
right here and down in this area both, John, do
you want to make some money? Because I could put
you in touch with a guy you're practically fli gras
down there. That's the frying stuff.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
You disgust me, John Huff, I don't have arm organs.
I don't know what that was, John hodgem and everybody
hold me right back. How can the Catholic Church get
back on track? Luckily for them? Or Resident expert John
Hodgeman is here to help with his segment. You're welcome, John,
(27:38):
thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
We want to people, I.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Want to get I want to get right to it.
This seems like a deeply pervasive problem. How does the
Catholic Church even begin to tackle it?
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Well, you have to start with the simple things. My
first recommendation is to focus on prevention. We need to
find a way of stopping these kinds offenses before they happen.
For example, look at priestly garments, loose flowing, open roades.
These are a horrible breach of trust just waiting to happen. Now,
adding a simple buttonfly may seem like a small thing,
(28:11):
but it would give everyone just a little bit more
time to calm down and or run.
Speaker 1 (28:18):
The buttonfly is a complicated maze. Is that it is that?
Does that?
Speaker 3 (28:23):
No?
Speaker 2 (28:23):
No, John, prepare yourself for the two most important words
in church scandal prevention alter chimps.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Are you are you suggesting that we replace altar boys
with chimps.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
I see you're grasping the concept. You see, chimps and
humans share ninety six percent of the DNA, but crucially
not the four percent that is sexually attractive to priests.
Speaker 1 (28:55):
I'll see. Interesting.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Well, that's all.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
Right, I've seen chimps.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
They're perfectly capable of stuffing out candles, collecting hymn books,
passing the collection plate, and in the unlikely attempt of
an attempted molestation, they can defend themselves. They can throw
feces at priests or chew their faces off.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
All right. These are mostly cosmetic changes, from what I
can tell, and some obviously more likely than others. This
is a systemic problem.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
Yes, I hate to admit it, but you're right. What
is required here sweeping changes in the way the church operates.
That's why my second solution comes in.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
Kill the mood.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
The Catholic church is a far too sexy place.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
I don't know that that is. I mean, I haven't
been in a Catholic church. Oh really, well yeah, but sexy.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Yes, they're extremely sensual places. The soft music, the candle light, wine, incense,
the whole of dance creates a climate where all Catholics
can do is think about sex and then hate themselves.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
So I understand.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
Let's de sexify instead of communion wine, make everyone drink
a gallon of whole milk instead of swinging around a
censor full of the heady aroma of incense. Hit him
in the face with fabreze.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
Oh god, I always thought that smell was cat ere,
and it turns out it's what I used to cover
up cat here.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Yes, and you notice how it is completely diffused the
sexual tension between us.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
Oh, I don't recall there being any sexual attention between.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
It was there, all right. Finally the music, John, listen
to this? Oh oh boy, put a sock over the
church door handle. I'm getting hot and bothered. Let me
(31:07):
get my fabriz.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
No, please don't, please, don't do that again?
Speaker 2 (31:10):
For sure? Yes, fine, If you must have music, we
have to make it the sonic opposite of seduction. No offense, John,
But perhaps we could use music from your religious traditions.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
I get it.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Don't get me wrong, John, Klesmer is great for scaring
off cossacks, but it is not It is not smooch music.
Speaker 3 (31:44):
I think you would agree it.
Speaker 4 (31:46):
Is.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Sometimes prevention is well and good, yes, John, But what
if despite these precautions, and they are solid suggestions, I know,
what if it does? What if it does happen again?
Speaker 3 (31:59):
What will that brings us to solution number three?
Speaker 2 (32:01):
John?
Speaker 3 (32:01):
Accountability?
Speaker 2 (32:02):
Finally, there needs to be a system where guilty priests
can unburden themselves by going into a small room and
talking privately and then have a chance to atone for
what they've done.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
I think, I think I know where you're going with this,
and I believe again, Catholic churches have that in place.
It's called a confessional and I believe.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
No, that's not what I'm talking about. My idea is
slightly different. Instead of wood paneled walls, we would use
reinforce concrete instead of a traditional confessional screen. We can
increase transparency in the church with five inch thick bulletproof glass.
Speaker 3 (32:36):
And to ensure that this is a safe.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Space for these priests, why not place a number of
armed guards nearby.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
I see you seem to be talking about sending them
to a prison.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
Well, you could call it that. I prefer to call
it a maximum security monastery.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
Thank you very much. John Hodgman explore more shows from
the Daily Show podcast universe by searching.
Speaker 7 (32:58):
The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven tenth Central on
Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount plus
Paramount Podcasts
You're listening to Comedy Central. We're gonna shift gears just
a little bit and talk about another pressing issue that's
been in the news, global warming. There's been some recent
disturbing reports on that front coming from the Arctic Circle.
With more, we turn to our resident expert, John Hodgman. John,
(00:21):
thank you so much for joining us. Appreciate it. I'm
what is the general picture today concerning global warming.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
Well, the consensus position among most scientists is it's getting
hot in here, so take off all your.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Clothes, right, But why specifically do the scientists think that specifically?
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Well, new findings revealed that in the past five years,
the glaciers around Greenland have melted at twice their previous rate. Now,
this map the contours of the Arctic glacial masses as
they exist today. But at this rate of glacial retreat,
within only three generations, the seas could rise as much
as a meter, changing the map dramatically.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
When you say dramatically, you were talking about the change
of the water.
Speaker 3 (01:16):
Level or that explosion between the two of them, the maps.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Yeah, it was very dramatic.
Speaker 1 (01:22):
That was a dramatic change.
Speaker 4 (01:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
The arrows on that chart is that wildlife migrating.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
No, those are unfrozen cavemen moving from place to place.
We estimate that there are perhaps twenty thousand prehistoric hunter
gatherers frozen up in those glaciers. Now, if they simply
thaw and wander around, it's not a problem. But if
they find a leader, a captain caveman if you want,
we will be facing an even more serious problem.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
So the problems that you foresee with global warming are
rising sea levels, yes, and organized flesh eating cavemen.
Speaker 2 (02:08):
Potentially organized yes, And all because you didn't buy a
hybrid car this year.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
Wow. Incredible, A small thing like that, it's like a
butterfly effect, if you will, I'm sorry, what a butterfly?
The butterfly like that? Saying a butterfly flaps its wing
in China and causes a hurricane, say in Peru.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Yeah, I don't think a butterfly could actually do that.
Maybe a gigantic butterfly, like some kind of Mathra type creature,
But that's a very different problem. And I want to
assure you people that the Mathra problem is something we
have completely under control.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
John, Why isn't the government, our government doing more to
fight this global warming?
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Well, this administration feels that the areas of the nation
their most concerned about Houston, Sun Valley, Scottsdale.
Speaker 3 (03:03):
They'll all be just fine.
Speaker 2 (03:05):
Of course, Manhattan will be more or less a swim
up bar for Long Island and New Jersey.
Speaker 3 (03:10):
But basically that's what it is now. Anyway.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
Is that why the administration doesn't urge us to drive
less or reduce emissions or really anything.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Well, the President's position is the answer isn't regulation but
American ingenuity.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
So we're just going to wait for someone to solve it.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
No, no, no, This administration is very proactive, using genetic testing.
They've already isolated two young children whom they think have
the best chance of solving the global warming crisis, most
likely through some kind of anti global warming machine, an
aerosol spray of some kind, or a gel anyway.
Speaker 3 (03:49):
To keep them safe.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
They've been placed in a raft on stilts, given some
science books but no television, and they can't get off
until one of them cracks this nut.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Which child do you think we'll do it?
Speaker 2 (04:02):
Oh? My money's on the kid with the bigger head
between you and me.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
I think that other one is unfrozen caveman food.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
All right, John Hodgman. Everybody, We'll be right back after
that for more of this concept. We turned a resident
Act for John Hodgmen. John, of course, thank you very
much for joining us.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Oh not at all, John, it's my privilege to be here.
My executive privilege.
Speaker 3 (04:30):
I still got it, John, what a.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
What is executive privilege?
Speaker 2 (04:37):
Executive privilege is a special right of privacy asserted by
presidents when they don't want you to hear about something
bad they did.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
It's it's as simple as that.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Oh yes, It's similar to claiming the fifth or in
medieval times, tagging a priest and yelling sanctuary.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
At that point, the priest was it.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
But presidents don't just invoke it to cover up something bad.
Speaker 3 (05:04):
Well think about it.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
How often will the president say, oh, my god, these
memos prove I've behaved ethically throughout my term of office.
Destroy them.
Speaker 3 (05:11):
No.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
Presidents invoke it in cases ranging from burglary to sex
to racing dogs for money in the White House bowling alley.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
Are you suggesting there was a president who raced dogs
for money in the White House bowling alley?
Speaker 2 (05:30):
I'm not suggesting it. That would violate executive privilege. Instead,
I'm showing you this photo. Do you know what makes
bowling Alley dog racing so excited exciting is that they're pause,
don't get any traction on the wax.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
You know the White House bowling Alley only has one lane.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Yes, that's what's wrong with that photo.
Speaker 2 (05:59):
You're right, good eye.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
My point is this, John, Is this practice legal?
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Well, it's not really clear. The words executive privilege never
appear in the Constitution. Still, presidents have been asserting it
since the birth of our nation in fifteen twenty.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
Two seventeen seventy six.
Speaker 3 (06:22):
Yeah, and Pluto's a planet.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
It goes all the way back to our so called
first president, George Washington, who cited it regarding foreign policy.
So did Thomas Jefferson regarding his love letters to Aaron Burr.
James Garfield claimed executive privilege to keep doctors from removing
the assassin's bullet that was lodged and his enters for
four months. Funny story about Garfield. In the end, he
died of sepsis not too soon?
Speaker 1 (06:46):
What John. By the seventies, though, there was also Richard.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
Nixon Interesting go on, well, no, I mean.
Speaker 1 (07:03):
Richard Nixley was famously claiming executive privileged, Watergate, and so
much with the secrecy, although ironically rigging his office with
microphones and tape recording every word. I mean, ifs so
facto actually literally causing his.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
Own downfall, fascinating.
Speaker 3 (07:20):
Did you know that Richard Nixon owned one of the
first cell phones in the United States?
Speaker 1 (07:25):
Really?
Speaker 3 (07:26):
No, and we're back now.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
The reason presidents claim executive privilege is to protect the
public from knowing how it's being governed. There's some truth
you just don't want to know. It would be like
walking on with your parents while they're having sex with
one of your teachers. Stark.
Speaker 1 (07:48):
But obviously this president is claiming executive privilege because that's
the only way he says he can get unfettered advice.
Speaker 3 (07:54):
Well, there's something to that.
Speaker 2 (07:55):
I mean, here we are with all these people, we're
not interacting in the same way we would be private.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
Well, you know, John, I don't I don't necessarily know
about that.
Speaker 2 (08:03):
I think so you wouldn't mind if I played back
our conversation that I taped earlier in your office this afternoon.
What conversation I think you know, the one, Chuck, Can
we roll it please?
Speaker 1 (08:16):
I'll tell you the laugh by perhaps you should.
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Pick one out of the audience and strangle him.
Speaker 4 (08:26):
I think that's legal.
Speaker 3 (08:27):
Take one from the standby line.
Speaker 4 (08:29):
Who will miss them?
Speaker 2 (08:33):
I remember, no more striped ties, red tie, tonight red,
the color of blood.
Speaker 4 (08:40):
I'll show Jews, homosexuals.
Speaker 3 (08:54):
I do stand by my advice that down that the tile.
Speaker 1 (08:57):
It's great, Shall Hodgman, everybody will be right back. America's
hottest new pastime is something called mixed martial arts or MMA.
A few weeks ago, Ultimate Fighting the sports premiere tournament
Grace the cover of Sports Illustrated. It's weekly ratings now
eclipsing those of NBA and Baseball playoffs amongst young men.
(09:21):
For more, I'm joined by our resident expert, John Hodgman. John,
thanks for.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
Quitting glad to be here.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
Thank you for joining us on this topic. I was
somewhat surprised to learn that you're an expert in this field.
Speaker 2 (09:35):
Oh absolutely, I'm trained in all the martial arts and
the marshal crafts, from from jiu jitsu to Brazilian capoeira
to the Israeli Kravmaga to the Danish martial art of havarte.
(09:57):
Haarte is a mild cheese, right, yes, but on the
right cracker, it can be deadly.
Speaker 1 (10:06):
It seems like mixed martial arts is really sort of
exploding and coming into its own How did all this
get started?
Speaker 2 (10:12):
Well, John, you might be surprised to learn that fighting
has actually been around for a while in all of
its various separate forms, boxing, wrestling, passive aggression.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Passive aggression is considered its own sport.
Speaker 3 (10:28):
You don't really want to know.
Speaker 2 (10:32):
But mixed martial arts, as you might imagine, combines many
different fighting techniques. A well rounded fighter will combine many styles.
Or you can choose from a menu of up to
twelve combat combos. I recommend the number five. It's judo
(10:52):
plus a side order of repeated elbow punching to the
neck and unlimited fountain soda. I don't recall that actually
at combos, John, the important thing is two men enter
the ring, but only one man. Well, they both both
men leave the ring, but only one of them does
so having won the fight. But I say ring, of course,
(11:13):
because it's actually a cage, a cage that is shaped
as an octagon.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Now I read about that. Why is it that the
cage is in the octagonal.
Speaker 3 (11:22):
Form, Well, that's a good question. What do you think?
Speaker 1 (11:28):
I don't. I don't really know. You were the expert,
so I thought that.
Speaker 2 (11:32):
Think it through, John, If you wanted people to fight
in an eight sided cage, wouldn't the natural choice of
shape be an octagon. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.
I'm not trying to embarrass you. It's just you asked
(11:52):
a question like that.
Speaker 1 (11:54):
Let's say the octagon go. Let's just let it go.
Why why is this.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
Sport so popular all of a sudden, Well, first of all,
this is not stage. It's not professional wrestling or soccer.
These are real men, really going at it on the
floor of an octagon. I mean, it's no wonder that
millions of Americans are forsaking the bloated pomposity of older
(12:17):
sports for ultimate fightings, more authentic brand of homo eroticism.
Those moves are beautiful. That's dancing as much as it
is fighting. It's very graceful.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
I watch these. I'm not here to say that violent
sports are bad.
Speaker 2 (12:33):
Good, because if you did, I'd have to whoa whoa easy, easy, Copernicus.
Don't you don't you get started, Kepler. I'm sorry, but
these guys, but.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
I know they're gentlemen and scholars. Boxing, wrestling, karate are
compelling because they have strict rules traditions. Combining all that
loses the form and the artistry. Why combine them?
Speaker 3 (12:58):
Well, why combine us cell phone with a camera.
Speaker 1 (13:02):
But that's a good question. That's my point. You just
end up with a crappy phone and a crappy camera.
Speaker 2 (13:13):
Okay, you win this round, but let me say this.
It then fits in your pocket. John, And isn't that
the promise of America's melting pot.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
You're suggesting mixed martial arts is a metaphor for America.
Speaker 5 (13:27):
Whoa, whoa, easy, it's my it's my training.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
You would have thought that we would have choreographed that.
And yet and yet no, I'm not.
Speaker 2 (13:49):
I'm not, no, John, I'm suggesting that mixed martial arts
is a metaphor for a cell phone camera, which in
turn represents America.
Speaker 3 (13:59):
What better emblem for our nation? After all? Then elevelth playing.
Speaker 2 (14:01):
Field shaped like an octagon where people of diverse cultural
ass kicking traditions can meet as equals and immediately start
kicking ass. I will so to the cage, then, no, sir,
not to the cage.
Speaker 1 (14:16):
We'll be right back thanks to John Hodgman, everybody or
from where We're joined by Daily Show resident expert John Hodgman. John,
thank you so much for joy us.
Speaker 2 (14:28):
Obviously, economics really.
Speaker 1 (14:34):
One of your economics, one of your many fields of expertise,
maybe one of your top fields. Are we in a recession?
A slow down, a difficult headwind?
Speaker 4 (14:40):
What is it?
Speaker 1 (14:41):
John?
Speaker 2 (14:41):
Well? John, Most economists define a recession as two consecutive
quarters of negative growth, while others look for widespread decline
and key indicators such as retail sales, employment and real GDP.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Amateurs, Well, which method do you prefer?
Speaker 2 (14:57):
Well, I'm a little more old school, John, that's just
how roll to me. The most tried and true method
for determining if you're in a recession begins with this
little device right here.
Speaker 1 (15:07):
Wow, and an antique stock ticker.
Speaker 3 (15:11):
That's more than that.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
It's an antique stock ticker with a canary inside. As
long as long as this bird is alive, the economy
is doing just fine.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
John, I don't think that the bird is doing well.
Speaker 2 (15:28):
Oh no, no, no, no, he's fine. He's just taking
a little investment.
Speaker 3 (15:32):
Nap.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Come on, wake up their money beak, come on, wake up? Okay,
that's that's no good.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
So this means we're in a recession.
Speaker 2 (15:42):
Well, let's not be hasty. It's hard to see a
recession even when you're in one. The last recession, after all,
begin in March of two thousand and one. The economists
didn't realize it until eight months later when they had
to boil their calendars to make soup.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
Really, that's what they had Bill.
Speaker 3 (16:01):
Yes, really, I said it didn't.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
I indeed you did.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
Unfortunately, that means the only way to determine if we're
in a recession now is to travel into the future.
Speaker 1 (16:13):
Obviously we can't do that.
Speaker 3 (16:15):
Well, of course we can't. I only have one time helmet.
Speaker 2 (16:21):
Turn it on. There we go now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll be right back to the future. Wow.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
Oh, look, the future is just as I predicted it.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
John H.
Speaker 6 (16:43):
John, Don.
Speaker 1 (16:47):
John John.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
That's weird.
Speaker 3 (16:50):
I thought I heard a voice from.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
The past, but he's dead. He died in the Great
Plague of the end of this March two thousand and eight.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
John, Is there a recession?
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Oh right, right, Well, let's see. Things seem pretty stable
around here. I'm I'm employed, obviously, that's always a good indicator,
and it's Oh no, what's that? Oh no, no, it's
face vaders. No no, no, no, camera one. Take me
back to the past.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
That was that was exciting.
Speaker 3 (17:27):
That was a close one.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
And may I say the special effects in the future
are amazing.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
You know, well technology is advanced substantially by.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Then, yes it has. Did you find anything out about
the recession while you were.
Speaker 2 (17:38):
Oh no, no, I didn't find anything. Then oh that
Pamela Anderson gets married again. That woman is crazy.
Speaker 1 (17:46):
Does it really matter whether we call it a recession
or not.
Speaker 2 (17:49):
Absolutely? You don't want to panic people.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
But it's it's just semantics, exactly.
Speaker 3 (17:54):
Words matter, John.
Speaker 2 (17:55):
When people find out that their homes are being foreclosed,
they're typically very sad. But if you tell them they're
going camping forever, moneybeak, you're alive. Maybe the economy is
(18:16):
turning around. Oh no, no, he's still dead. I forgot
put money Beak on my ringtone.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Well, thank you very much, John, money beak. All right,
we'll talk to you matter, John Hodgson. Everybody will be
rubbed back for years. Our good friend John Hodgman has
served as The Daily Show's resident expert, mostly to promoter
his books, which are written by prison inmates and orphans.
It's a pretty good scam. But with our nation and
(18:44):
planet facing so many urgent problems, he has decided to
use his expertise for the betterment of mankind.
Speaker 7 (18:49):
In this new segment, it's your Welcome with John Hodgman.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
John, so delighted that you've decided to use your powers
for good? What problem are you going to solve tonight?
Speaker 2 (19:14):
The economy? John, As you know, the country is on
the brink of financial collapse.
Speaker 1 (19:18):
Exactly, John, what a wee?
Speaker 2 (19:19):
Time for questions only, bold, incomplete sentences, credit frozen retail sales,
cratering problem, no consumer confidence. Let me ask you, John,
what are the markets doing right now?
Speaker 1 (19:33):
I believe that they're crashing right?
Speaker 2 (19:34):
And who do you need in a crash? Chesley Sully Sullenberger.
He's the only one who can pilot this nation to
the soft water landing we so desperately need and so
witness our new currency, the Sully Buck.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
The Sully buck.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
Globally, it's already more respected than your Euro. Plus there's
a built rewards program for every hundred Selli bucks you spend.
The Canadian goose is strangled, and that's direct stimulus to
the goose packing industry.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
It's an excellent plan, but can't we judge?
Speaker 2 (20:10):
And every time you talk, people are losing confidence. It's
just like with Treasury Secretary Geidner. He spoke the other
day in Wall Street.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
Panicked, Yes, why did that happen?
Speaker 2 (20:19):
Well, let's take a look at the tape.
Speaker 1 (20:20):
We'll announce the details of this plan in the next
few weeks.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Sell sell, sell everything, Sell all my stock, John, John, John, Oh,
I'm sorry, I just got caught up in his wooden,
nervous lack of reassuranceness. You see, it's all a matter
of psychology. John. If someone can't convince us that the
economy is okay, it will fall apart. Prosperity is, in
a sense, a shared illusion, which brings me to step two.
Welcome our new Treasury Secretary, mister Chris Angel.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
We're going to try to do the impossible.
Speaker 4 (20:49):
I believe in you.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
Specifically, Secretary Designates Angel will levitate the economy, make it disappear,
and then pull it out of the belly button of
a Hooter's waitress.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
All right, that's very nice.
Speaker 2 (21:02):
All right, So that is part two, and that's John.
The economy is running out of time. I'll tell you what.
Let's move on to the lightning round, all right. First,
to make it more appealing, sales tax will now be
known as pudding, as in hey, great eight and a
quarter percent pudding. Next, there'll be mirrors at every cash register.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Dah, so people can see themselves give themselves a little
pep talk.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
Yes, and also for cutting up. Cocaine also available at
every cash register.
Speaker 1 (21:28):
Cocaine.
Speaker 2 (21:28):
You want cocaine, John, I've discovered that the substance cocaine
makes people feel very confident.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
That that's that's uh, John Hodgman, that's that's illegal. I
don't think John, I don't.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
Think you understand. Oh oh no, what is that?
Speaker 1 (21:47):
What's happening?
Speaker 2 (21:47):
That's it. That's the five minute warning to economic collapse.
It's time to break out the big stimulus guns. Emergency Christmas?
Speaker 1 (21:57):
What what.
Speaker 2 (22:01):
Emergency Christmas? Tomorrow? There are only fourteen shopping hours left. Chop, chop,
let's go.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Well, it's a little bit of a late notice.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
John. Are you saying that you didn't get me anything
for emergency Christmas?
Speaker 3 (22:14):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (22:15):
This is the worst emergency Christmas ever.
Speaker 1 (22:18):
Well, thank you very much for the solutions. John Hodgman, everyone.
You're welcome everywhere by well, it's Claire. How easily the
debate can be hijacked, someone will need to ride to
the rescue of healthcare reform. Luckily that someone works at
the Daily Show. For answers, we turn to our resident expert,
John Hodgman and his segment, You're welcome. Thank you very much,
(22:40):
John Hodgman. Ladies and gentlemen here to joining Cab office.
Thank you for joining us in this important debate. But
Americans are now having.
Speaker 2 (22:49):
You're absolutely welcome, John. America is sick. It's going to
take some major surgery to heal this nation. There's going
to be some hard, bitter pills to swallow, and also
a lot of terrible medical metaphors. But don't worry, Doctor
Hodgman is in first problem access. Almost fifty million people
in this country are uninsured. But I've happened to notice
(23:09):
that none of those people are in Congress. Every one
of us in Congress have a good healthcare plan.
Speaker 6 (23:15):
If we had to go through what most Americans are
going through, we'd be busy trying to fix this.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
White hair man is right. So I'm going to write
my first prescription. Make every American a member of Congress.
Speaker 1 (23:27):
I don't know, John, actually that that's practical.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Oh really in some respects, What if I wrote a
little prescription for vicotin for you as well, John, Would
that make it go down a little easier.
Speaker 1 (23:36):
You're not a doctor, You're not actually a doctor.
Speaker 2 (23:38):
Not offline, I suppose. But fine. There's certainly more than
one way to skin this patient. Prescription too. A healthy
dose of prevention.
Speaker 1 (23:48):
Now, yes, exercise, diet, that sort of thing.
Speaker 2 (23:52):
No, no, John, illness is not transmitted through diet and exercise.
I'm talking about preventing contact, moving the sick people to
a designated area far away from the rest of us.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
You're talking about a leper colony.
Speaker 2 (24:05):
No, no, no, no. A leper colony is a degrading
medieval concept. This is more like a leper resort. I
call it Camp Sniffles. It's not only completely isolated and
patrolled by dogs. It's also a lot of fun and
(24:25):
you can leave it. No, no, not alive.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
But talk about costs. Talk about your plans seem very
expensive and all the plans on the table require hundreds
of billions in additional funding.
Speaker 2 (24:37):
Yes, John, but there is a solution and it lies
inside each and every one of us.
Speaker 6 (24:42):
The kind of arrangement that I would like to see
is the ability for strangers who are willing to give
a kidney and save someone's life to be able to
get a tax credit or free health care, or a
contribution to their retirement account.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Diagnosis, great idea prescription pay for health care by letting
people sell their organs. John, do you have any idea
how much a healthy kidney is worth?
Speaker 1 (25:09):
I don't have any idea, John.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
One hundred and sixty thousand dollars. Wow, And we all
have two of them, like big fat money bags, nestled
back here behind the screen. And what are people doing
with them? Using them to filter their urine? I say,
turn that stream of waste into a real golden shower
(25:31):
of money.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
If I'm hearing you correctly, and I believe that I am, yes,
doesn't that just turn poor people into living organ farms
for the rich?
Speaker 2 (25:47):
Whoa, John, what do you have against the American farmer?
We use some kind of East Coast elitist? What do
you drink bud light? Think about it, John, Under this system,
the least privilege among us can charge charge the most
for their most precious, hardest What how in what way. Well,
you pay more for organic eggs, don't you. Well, congratulations
(26:08):
homeless people. Under my new labeling laws, you may not
call yourselves free range. Suddenly, even the lowliest hobo has
half a million dollars sloshing around in his rotting Torso
why he can cash in his kidney for a new
flat screen TV, maybe a lung for a prius, or
(26:29):
his other kidney for a dialysis machine, or better yet,
mortgagees whole lower body for a condominium there. I just
saw the healthcare crisis, the real estate crisis, and I
fixed the economy. You're welcome.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
You just killed a hobo, is what you did? That
is monstrous? You killed a lobo?
Speaker 2 (26:51):
Monstrous? John, Yes, I think it's quite beautiful.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
I'm sure you do.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
I mean, finally, we'll live in a world where a
person's value isn't determined by what kind of car they
drive or how much money they have in the bank.
That's what's in here and also what's in there, John,
right here and down in this area both, John, do
you want to make some money? Because I could put
you in touch with a guy you're practically fli gras
down there. That's the frying stuff.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
You disgust me, John Huff, I don't have arm organs.
I don't know what that was, John hodgem and everybody
hold me right back. How can the Catholic Church get
back on track? Luckily for them? Or Resident expert John
Hodgeman is here to help with his segment. You're welcome, John,
(27:38):
thank you so much for joining us.
Speaker 2 (27:39):
We want to people, I.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Want to get I want to get right to it.
This seems like a deeply pervasive problem. How does the
Catholic Church even begin to tackle it?
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Well, you have to start with the simple things. My
first recommendation is to focus on prevention. We need to
find a way of stopping these kinds offenses before they happen.
For example, look at priestly garments, loose flowing, open roades.
These are a horrible breach of trust just waiting to happen. Now,
adding a simple buttonfly may seem like a small thing,
(28:11):
but it would give everyone just a little bit more
time to calm down and or run.
Speaker 1 (28:18):
The buttonfly is a complicated maze. Is that it is that?
Does that?
Speaker 3 (28:23):
No?
Speaker 2 (28:23):
No, John, prepare yourself for the two most important words
in church scandal prevention alter chimps.
Speaker 1 (28:35):
Are you are you suggesting that we replace altar boys
with chimps.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
I see you're grasping the concept. You see, chimps and
humans share ninety six percent of the DNA, but crucially
not the four percent that is sexually attractive to priests.
Speaker 1 (28:55):
I'll see. Interesting.
Speaker 2 (28:58):
Well, that's all.
Speaker 3 (28:59):
Right, I've seen chimps.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
They're perfectly capable of stuffing out candles, collecting hymn books,
passing the collection plate, and in the unlikely attempt of
an attempted molestation, they can defend themselves. They can throw
feces at priests or chew their faces off.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
All right. These are mostly cosmetic changes, from what I
can tell, and some obviously more likely than others. This
is a systemic problem.
Speaker 2 (29:28):
Yes, I hate to admit it, but you're right. What
is required here sweeping changes in the way the church operates.
That's why my second solution comes in.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
Kill the mood.
Speaker 2 (29:39):
The Catholic church is a far too sexy place.
Speaker 1 (29:42):
I don't know that that is. I mean, I haven't
been in a Catholic church. Oh really, well yeah, but sexy.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
Yes, they're extremely sensual places. The soft music, the candle light, wine, incense,
the whole of dance creates a climate where all Catholics
can do is think about sex and then hate themselves.
Speaker 1 (30:05):
So I understand.
Speaker 2 (30:08):
Let's de sexify instead of communion wine, make everyone drink
a gallon of whole milk instead of swinging around a
censor full of the heady aroma of incense. Hit him
in the face with fabreze.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
Oh god, I always thought that smell was cat ere,
and it turns out it's what I used to cover
up cat here.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Yes, and you notice how it is completely diffused the
sexual tension between us.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
Oh, I don't recall there being any sexual attention between.
Speaker 2 (30:47):
It was there, all right. Finally the music, John, listen
to this? Oh oh boy, put a sock over the
church door handle. I'm getting hot and bothered. Let me
(31:07):
get my fabriz.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
No, please don't, please, don't do that again?
Speaker 2 (31:10):
For sure? Yes, fine, If you must have music, we
have to make it the sonic opposite of seduction. No offense, John,
But perhaps we could use music from your religious traditions.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
I get it.
Speaker 2 (31:38):
Don't get me wrong, John, Klesmer is great for scaring
off cossacks, but it is not It is not smooch music.
Speaker 3 (31:44):
I think you would agree it.
Speaker 4 (31:46):
Is.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Sometimes prevention is well and good, yes, John, But what
if despite these precautions, and they are solid suggestions, I know,
what if it does? What if it does happen again?
Speaker 3 (31:59):
What will that brings us to solution number three?
Speaker 2 (32:01):
John?
Speaker 3 (32:01):
Accountability?
Speaker 2 (32:02):
Finally, there needs to be a system where guilty priests
can unburden themselves by going into a small room and
talking privately and then have a chance to atone for
what they've done.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
I think, I think I know where you're going with this,
and I believe again, Catholic churches have that in place.
It's called a confessional and I believe.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
No, that's not what I'm talking about. My idea is
slightly different. Instead of wood paneled walls, we would use
reinforce concrete instead of a traditional confessional screen. We can
increase transparency in the church with five inch thick bulletproof glass.
Speaker 3 (32:36):
And to ensure that this is a safe.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Space for these priests, why not place a number of
armed guards nearby.
Speaker 1 (32:41):
I see you seem to be talking about sending them
to a prison.
Speaker 2 (32:45):
Well, you could call it that. I prefer to call
it a maximum security monastery.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
Thank you very much. John Hodgman explore more shows from
the Daily Show podcast universe by searching.
Speaker 7 (32:58):
The Daily Show wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 2 (33:02):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven tenth Central on
Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount plus
Paramount Podcasts
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