February 15, 2025 • 27 mins
Take a romantic stroll down memory lane with The Daily Show's Valentine's Day coverage.
Nate Cordry tackles the War on St. Valentine's Day. Resident Expert John Hodgman educates us on romance. Lewis Black rails against the technology of the holiday. Jon Stewart checks in on a synagogue with a surprisingly saucy new teacher. Trevor Noah weighs in on the risks of modern romance. Ronny Chieng challenges people on the street to prove him wrong about love. Sarah Silverman and Michael Kosta investigate the world of romance scams.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Wow, welome back to the show.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
February fourteenth has long been a special day for people
who aren't drowning in a sea of loneliness, But have
we forgotten its true meaning?
Speaker 4 (00:26):
Nate Cordrey investigates.
Speaker 5 (00:30):
February fourteenth the day when we paused to remember the
martyrdom of Saint Valentine. As everyone knows, he married couples
in defiance of the Emperor Claudius the Second. For that
he was brutally beheaded. But what was once a sacred
holiday has been turned into a secular orgy. That's right,
(00:52):
there's a war on Saint Valentine's Day.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Chocolate thongs for women, This is for the guys.
Speaker 6 (01:03):
And those are very beautiful Valentine's Day sweaters.
Speaker 7 (01:07):
Hello, a little Linda Rigg.
Speaker 5 (01:09):
It's a far cry from the Saint Valentine TV specials
we remember from our youth.
Speaker 8 (01:14):
This represents the still beating heart ripped from Saint Valentine's chest.
Speaker 9 (01:19):
Let us up on his chocolatey love for the Lord.
Speaker 5 (01:23):
And how are profit hungry retailers cashing in? I would
undercover for some reason to find out In just eighteen
short centuries, We've gone from honoring the bloody decapitation of
religious martyr to dogs and boxer shorts and innocent balloons
(01:47):
turned into wanton displays of sexual perversion. Do you have
a Saint Valentine's Day section?
Speaker 10 (01:54):
Saint Valentine's way? We have Valentine's Day cards.
Speaker 5 (01:56):
You know, Saint Valentine's Day cards.
Speaker 11 (01:59):
Not specifically for Saint Valentine's Now.
Speaker 5 (02:01):
Yet another example of the war on Saint Valentine's Day.
Bastions of the Ivory Tower media elite like Harlequin Publishing
would have you believed that it's all harmless fun. I've
been out to the shops to see how people want
us to celebrate Valentine's Day.
Speaker 12 (02:23):
How to explain these.
Speaker 13 (02:25):
I don't think I have to explain them.
Speaker 12 (02:27):
It keeps your juices flying.
Speaker 5 (02:29):
All you people think about his sex?
Speaker 12 (02:31):
What about Saint Valentine?
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Huh?
Speaker 12 (02:32):
What about him?
Speaker 14 (02:34):
And I'm not an expert on that now I am
a romance expert.
Speaker 5 (02:37):
Isn't romance expert? As a fancy way of saying slut No,
haven't seen enough? You won't believe what's going on in
our schools. Heathen craft projects, pagan decorations. Someone had to
put the saint back in Saint Valentine's Day. Now, I'm
gonna starve you.
Speaker 11 (02:57):
What wait, what do you mean, I'm gonna strike down
the wrath on you, buddy.
Speaker 5 (03:02):
I'm gonna kick your butt with my sword.
Speaker 7 (03:04):
No, no, please, don't.
Speaker 5 (03:06):
I'm just trying to follow God's love. You went against me,
and I'm gonna cut your head off with this sword.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Right how.
Speaker 5 (03:17):
It was a lesson they'd never forget, and the school
encouraged me to spread my message elsewhere. So remember keeping
Valentine's Day saintly begins with you. First, instead of giving flowers,
sit quietly and reflect on the sacrifice of Saint Valentine. Second,
don't take your loved one to a fancy dinner. Fast
(03:38):
and reflect on Saint Valentine's martyrdom.
Speaker 15 (03:41):
Third, cards are.
Speaker 5 (03:42):
Fine as long as you use them to paper cut
your neck Saint Valentine's style. If we follow these simple steps,
maybe one day the great Saint Valentine will be honored
with the same reverence in respect of his brother Saint Patrick.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
On a lighter note, today is Valentine's Day, and for
more on love, that most mysterious of human emotions. We
turn to our resident expert, John Hodgman.
Speaker 10 (04:12):
John, thank you so much for John much.
Speaker 16 (04:17):
Let me put this.
Speaker 10 (04:18):
Through if I can.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
What is love?
Speaker 17 (04:22):
Well, that's really the wrong question, John. If you've ever
been in love, you know it has a different meaning
every day. Some have argued it's always special. Others, by contrast,
contend it's gripping stuff. A sizeable minority even claims it's
a quasi mental illness prompting the bizarre sexualization of genital
free infants in a daily cartoon string.
Speaker 13 (04:44):
No, John, the question isn't what is love? But why
is love?
Speaker 11 (04:52):
What does that mean?
Speaker 17 (04:53):
Well, sexual attraction serves a clear evolutionary purpose. It's a
primal urge that helps propagate the species feel it in
this very worom. For instance, as I speak, my air
of danger, coupled with my otherworldly machismo is prompting the
release of hormones in both the live and television audiences.
Speaker 13 (05:12):
But that's not love, it's lust. I get that a lot,
all right, So.
Speaker 10 (05:23):
Why is love?
Speaker 13 (05:25):
Well, that's really the wrong question, John.
Speaker 7 (05:28):
You're the one who said that that was.
Speaker 17 (05:30):
The problem is there are so many different kinds of love.
The ancient Greeks had almost as many different words for
love as they did for pederasty.
Speaker 13 (05:37):
There was erols, passionate.
Speaker 17 (05:39):
Love, philia, familiar love, ariyapi, sacrificial love, and me the
love of appetizers like stuffed grape leaves.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Stuffed grape believes, I have to admit, are delicious.
Speaker 17 (05:52):
Well, if you love them so much, why don't you
marry them?
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Why would I marry?
Speaker 7 (05:59):
Uh?
Speaker 13 (05:59):
No, of course you and marry a grape leaf. That's
my point.
Speaker 17 (06:01):
You love grape leaves, but you're not in love with them.
Speaker 3 (06:06):
So you're saying love is what a social construct or,
an idea without any physical basis.
Speaker 17 (06:10):
Well, yes, that's been my entire premise, thank you, and
it would have been successful too if it weren't for
one thing.
Speaker 10 (06:20):
The floor is yours.
Speaker 13 (06:22):
The prairie rowl, the prairie val I don't think that, I, uh.
Speaker 17 (06:26):
John, The prairie bwal is an unusual species of rodent.
Come mating season, they find a partner with whom to breed,
but afterward they remain with that partner and continue to
copulate exclusively with them. This, as you've probably already guessed,
is where we get the term to like a prairie vol.
Speaker 10 (06:50):
I have never heard that phrase.
Speaker 17 (06:53):
God it means to have slow, tender sex with a loving,
monogamous partner while burrowed underneath the ground.
Speaker 13 (07:00):
I thought you were from New Jersey. I thought you would.
Speaker 17 (07:09):
Studies show that prairie rools experience the same surge and
oxytocin that happily married humans do. Meaning love is an
empirically observable chemical reaction.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
Meaning if so facto love is.
Speaker 17 (07:22):
Real, Oh maybe, but really it means that love can
be sold in a pill or time release capsule form.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Noat now, that seems incredibly dystopic.
Speaker 13 (07:30):
I agree.
Speaker 17 (07:31):
I suppose we're romantics, you and I. We prefer our
love the old fashioned way and an easy to inhale
aerosol spray, so that on a day like today we
can wistfully turn to our loved ones and coup darling
let's like prairie bowls.
Speaker 9 (07:48):
Thank you very much.
Speaker 15 (07:49):
Happy Valentine's Day, John Hodgen.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
We'll be right back.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
If a new story falls through the cracks, Lewis Black
catches it for a segment we call back in Black.
Speaker 18 (08:10):
It'x February the most depressing month of the year, which
means it's time for Valentine's Day, the holiday that reminds
you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
And if you haven't got the money or.
Speaker 18 (08:25):
The energy for the holiday of love, feast your eyes
on this free computerized pre made Valentine's cards that you
can email to all of your girlfriends. And look, there's
even one for Monica. Speaking of which, how about a
Monica's cigar? And you know these Monica specials are authentic
(08:46):
because as you can see, they're sitting on the don juans.
They're making these little honeys in the Philippines and they're
selling twenty thousand a month.
Speaker 10 (08:56):
This is good, so I can give it to all
my friends. And just why would you want want to
do that? Oh, it's just like when you when you
smoke this, it's just like reminding you that you're in
the Oval office.
Speaker 18 (09:09):
Let me tell you, pal, only if it's too soggy
to light. If a romance isn't dead. So many great
romantic couples are Romeo and Juliet Tristan and he's older
Dody and Diana, Speaking of which, George Benson has sold
his soul to Dody's daddy, Mohammad al Fayed and written
(09:30):
this romantic little diddy.
Speaker 7 (09:31):
For the late love birds, And is it ever good?
Dudey dody, dudey doudeyde uh man.
Speaker 18 (09:58):
I just can't get that haunting my head.
Speaker 7 (10:02):
John, thank you, Lewis flat. How was that sort it
was black?
Speaker 10 (10:06):
Let me right back after this, take us out with
a song.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
Yes, my friends, it is Valentine's Day and if today
is about anything, it's about pleasing your loved ones. And
let's face it, no one does that quite as well
or as often as a veteran porn star. And that's
why a rabbi in southern California has hired former porn
actress Nina Hartley to teach an adult education sex seminar
(10:42):
for his congregants at.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Temple Beth Ami.
Speaker 15 (10:45):
By the way, the keyword on that sign reform.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
The Rabbi Mark Blazer, prisingly that is not his porn name,
that's his rabbinical name, explains why he couldn't lead his
congregants to the Promised Land.
Speaker 8 (11:04):
The idea was actually congregants who wanted to expand what
we had already done as part of our dull education
lectures on the topic of sexuality. And so they said,
can we get somebody else to come in, because, quite frankly,
I had thought everything I knew about sexuality, which is
compared to Nina fairly limited.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
Rabbi Blazer was then given the coveted understatement of the
Year award Rabbi porn Star. So why Nina Hartley at
a synagogue? Well, for one, she's Jewish, she does have
eighteen years of lecturing experience to go along with her
religious background. Not to mention she gives great kepi.
Speaker 19 (11:48):
I have information people don't all have access to. I've
had more sex most people are going to ever have,
and if you can learn from me, I'm very grateful
for it.
Speaker 10 (11:59):
Yes, and my name is Shlomo.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
I'm a twenty five year old Talmudic scholar.
Speaker 7 (12:05):
My question is this, miss Hartley?
Speaker 10 (12:07):
Is it permissible?
Speaker 3 (12:08):
And did you take law for me to be masturbating
right now?
Speaker 19 (12:14):
What makes mom and dad happy is good for the family.
And one of the things that is given to us
from whichever source you say, is the delight in sexual
union with your partner. It's a very important thing. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
Partly stresses to Jewish congregants that sex is indeed an
important part of family life, and she even gives tips
on how to enjoy edible underwear. The great part is
whatever underwear you donate, you can wrap up in tinfoil
and keep for later.
Speaker 11 (12:48):
In Technology news, if you got dumped this year because
your ex said you didn't communicates enough, it might not
have been your faults.
Speaker 6 (12:55):
If you received a mysterious text message this week from
someone unexpected, you were not alone. This happened to a
lot of people yesterday. They reported they received messages that
appear to have originally been sent on or around Valentine's
Day this year. One person tweeted, so, at two point
thirty this morning, my phone decided to send a text
to my ex girlfriend from nine months ago.
Speaker 15 (13:17):
She made this really sweet video of us for Valentine's Day.
Speaker 6 (13:20):
She thought I didn't respond, so that led to, among
other things, a ruined holiday.
Speaker 15 (13:25):
So you know that's how today it's going.
Speaker 13 (13:28):
Man, this story is crazy.
Speaker 11 (13:30):
Apparently a bunch of text messages sent on Valentine's Day
only got to people's phones. Now, yeah, it's a huge
glitch that affected thousands of people. Nobody knew about it,
and now it's in the news. And I bet a
lot of guys are using this as an excuse, like,
oh wait, wait, you didn't get that giant bouquet and
(13:50):
that diamond necklace that I texted you.
Speaker 15 (13:52):
Oh my god, AG and G man A and G.
Speaker 10 (14:00):
But yeah, a bunch of Valentine's sext didn't go through
and it sucks.
Speaker 11 (14:05):
But I'm gonna be honest, if your relationship ended over
a missed text, maybe that was the best.
Speaker 10 (14:10):
You dodged the bullets.
Speaker 11 (14:12):
Because I don't care what anybody says. Texting is supposed
to be casual. It's not about an immediate response. That's
why this isn't a problem for old people. They still
send love letters in the mail. You're gonna be like,
dearest Gertrude, I can't wait to tap that tight brand
muffin of yours.
Speaker 15 (14:27):
Respectfully, Harold.
Speaker 11 (14:31):
The craziest part of the story, and this is completely true.
The craziest part of the story is that some people
got text messages from people who have since died. Yeah,
that has got to be the most awkward booty call ever.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Can you imagine phonus like you up? You're like, are
you up?
Speaker 10 (14:54):
It's Valentine's Day, otherwise known as the Saddest They of
the year to go on porn hobb Some people think
this days about love, but really it's about arguing with
strangers on the street. Prove me wrong Valentine's Day. Addition, yes,
Valentine's Day is the worst day of the proved me wrong. No,
(15:17):
I mean it's rush hour for love. We have all
this pressure from society and take people out and if
you can't get it done, guess what Everyone is upset.
Speaker 9 (15:25):
In Puerto Rico, which means friendship Day.
Speaker 10 (15:29):
Well, you're doing friendship Day.
Speaker 9 (15:30):
You give your friends like candy flowers.
Speaker 10 (15:34):
You get into a fight with your partner over what
restaurant booking you could not get. No, Well, then that's
not Valentine's Day.
Speaker 15 (15:40):
You don't have to participate.
Speaker 9 (15:41):
You can just enjoy the pretty colors.
Speaker 10 (15:43):
Or really, you don't feel the pressure of society weighing
on you on February fourteenth.
Speaker 9 (15:49):
Love doesn't have to be romantic. I have all my
family and friends on mem Oh.
Speaker 10 (15:52):
Yeah, I'm sure all your platonic guy friends really love
hang out with you.
Speaker 9 (15:56):
Valentine's Day is a day to sell the great love.
Speaker 10 (16:01):
So they are a few hundred and sixty four days
they can go for themselves.
Speaker 13 (16:04):
What other day, do you wake up and just think
about love first?
Speaker 10 (16:08):
Well, if you're a good person, every day it's.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
An excuse to get up pretty much if you're single.
Some people use it to have a baby. Some people
use it.
Speaker 10 (16:17):
So Valentine's Day is an excuse the fuck Joe not
not me?
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Yeah, you know I do me.
Speaker 20 (16:23):
But for people that not getting asked, you know, dudes
that don't get no buns. I live on the West
Coast now, I live in California. Yeah, you know, females
are a little bit more happier, you know, because they
enjoy you know, sexual activities in their bedroom. You know,
they're not having intercourse in a call on the side.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Of the street in the train station.
Speaker 10 (16:42):
What are you talking about?
Speaker 20 (16:43):
I'm talking about this when you was talking about the
Valentine's daying about dudes putting in the pain.
Speaker 10 (16:49):
Okay, So is valentas said, the worst day of the
Ye're not no, it's not. Chocolate is the worst candidate.
Prove me wrong. Chocolate's delicious, pure chocolate, pure cocoa tastes
like shit. Why are you so angry at chocolate because
it's overrated? Like, if you really love me, get me
something that lasts like your HBO password.
Speaker 6 (17:09):
Sharing the HBO password is a sign of true love
and the sign of commitment.
Speaker 10 (17:15):
Yeah, it means I'm gonna let this put some my algorithms.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
What you see walking around, that's chocolate right there. I'm chocolate.
She chocolate. You see all the chocolate, you see all this.
Speaker 10 (17:24):
Don't make this racial.
Speaker 19 (17:25):
Not not.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
I'm not making it racial. I'm not making it. Rachel,
you're right.
Speaker 11 (17:29):
You're right.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
You're right, You're right. We use our skin complexion as destical.
Speaker 10 (17:32):
Okay, why do you like chocolate the candy?
Speaker 8 (17:34):
Me?
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Yes, uh preferencely, I like gummies.
Speaker 10 (17:38):
I'd rather sex should be a morning thing, never a
night thing. Prove me wrong.
Speaker 16 (17:43):
I'm gonna have to group because for me, morning sex
is the best.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
I'm with you.
Speaker 16 (17:48):
You got energy, Listen, people like to go to the
gym in the mornings. Give me dick, and I am up,
I am, I am, I am motivated to start my
day like never.
Speaker 10 (17:59):
At night ever.
Speaker 9 (18:00):
Ever, So when you have sex and then you go
to bed, it's like a really nice Listen.
Speaker 10 (18:04):
There's something called circadian rhythm, circadian rhythm whatever, it's the
rhythm you have as a human.
Speaker 9 (18:14):
Okay, that's how it looks when it happens. Yeah, just
like that's pretty aggressive.
Speaker 16 (18:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 10 (18:21):
There the morning activity.
Speaker 9 (18:22):
That's like alligators eat.
Speaker 10 (18:24):
This is what you're doing in the morning. This is
like coffee. This is nature's coffee.
Speaker 6 (18:29):
Right.
Speaker 9 (18:31):
That looks exhausting?
Speaker 1 (18:33):
How is that coffee?
Speaker 10 (18:35):
Single people should not be allowed out of their homes
on Valentine's Day? Proved me wrong.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
I agree.
Speaker 20 (18:41):
All the single people beside pieces sneaky links and you
know they're gonna put up the day.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
I agree with this. Let the couples go out.
Speaker 10 (18:50):
I think you are better at this than I am,
So maybe you should sit here and take my job.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Please, Okay.
Speaker 20 (18:57):
Single people should not be allowed of their homes on Valentine's.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
They prove me wrong.
Speaker 9 (19:03):
It kind of feels like gatekeeping, like you have to
go out.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Single people need to go out.
Speaker 9 (19:12):
They're the ones who need to be out. The couple
should stay home.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
The single people need to be the ones getting drunk.
Speaker 10 (19:17):
That's the dumbest you ever heard my life.
Speaker 7 (19:19):
How is that done?
Speaker 10 (19:20):
But Valentine's Day is not for single losers.
Speaker 9 (19:23):
It's not losers.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Valentine's Days of Day by society.
Speaker 10 (19:27):
Who couldn't find someone on the most desperate day of
the year, going to love you? How much user are you?
Speaker 9 (19:37):
They should be allowed out because they make it fun.
Speaker 10 (19:40):
Someone's passing on the street in Brooklyn for the surprise.
If you're single Valentine's Day, the government should send you money.
Prove me wrong.
Speaker 9 (19:47):
Single people they have to take care of just themselves.
Speaker 10 (19:49):
Yeah, but it's a Valentine's Day thing. People are sad
on Valentine's They just send them some money.
Speaker 9 (19:53):
Money doesn't make you happy?
Speaker 19 (19:55):
Oh?
Speaker 10 (19:55):
Really? No? If I gave you twenty bucks right now,
would you be happy? No? Yeah, well I'll do fifty.
If you feed youbucks, we'd be happy. Ah, I got you.
Speaker 15 (20:03):
I gota.
Speaker 16 (20:05):
There's discounts for married people, there's discounts for family. What
a single people get?
Speaker 13 (20:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 10 (20:09):
Give us some money exactly, some tax breaks at least
what the ones who need it? What a desperate sad
people who need that money? I want? Are you going
out with someone on Valentine's Day?
Speaker 15 (20:21):
Maybe?
Speaker 10 (20:21):
Do you really want this?
Speaker 9 (20:23):
My nails?
Speaker 1 (20:24):
I want it.
Speaker 10 (20:24):
It's a fun day, all right, Fine, I'll prove to
you it's the worst day. Come on a date with
me on Valentine's Day. I'll show you. It's the worst
day of the year.
Speaker 16 (20:32):
Sorry, man, I can. I don't want to go on
Valentine's Day with you. I want to go on Valentine's
Day with Trevor. Noah, Trevor, if you're watching this, I
want to let you know I love you. I enjoyed
your show My Asking Square Garden a couple of weeks ago.
You were hilarious and I know you like Indian food.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Come to Brooklyn.
Speaker 16 (20:47):
I will take you out to a nice Indian restaurant
and show you around Brooklyn.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
I love you.
Speaker 10 (20:54):
Valentine'sday is the one step of the year. Okay, you
guys know what today is, right.
Speaker 7 (21:04):
It's Valentine's Day. Ah.
Speaker 21 (21:08):
It's the one day you can dress up as a
baby and shoot people with a bow and arrow and
get away with it. And it's really nice to have
a day where we just we get to show that
special someone that we care, isn't it, you know? And
to the men out there, that's all you really need
to do, all right, because not everyone can afford flowers
or chocolates or a private Kenny g concert like Kanye West.
Speaker 13 (21:28):
No, Valentine's Day is.
Speaker 22 (21:30):
Just about sharing what's in your heart, all right, letting
your girl know that you love her. Now, ladies, if
he doesn't have flowers or a bear or something, you
need to cut him loose because clearly he does not respect.
Speaker 13 (21:42):
You for the queen that you are.
Speaker 15 (21:43):
I mean, he had all year to save up, and NIC's.
Speaker 11 (21:46):
Trying to say he can't afford a box of chocolates
that's five ninety nine at Walgreens.
Speaker 13 (21:50):
He can't say five ninety nine. That's two turnstile jumps.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
That's all that is.
Speaker 15 (21:55):
If you're mad, won't jump two turnstars for you? You
need to cut.
Speaker 12 (22:06):
And finally, today is Valentine's Day, the day when flowers
find out which house they're going to die in. Seriously,
why do we give people roses? They are already dying
the second you cut them. You're basically giving someone a
hospice patient. Love them well, you can just try to
(22:27):
keep them hydrated and make sure they're as comfortable as possible.
But there is a Valentine's surprise that's even worse than roses.
Stealing people's money.
Speaker 14 (22:39):
What is Valentine's Day? Law enforcement reminding you to keep
an eye out for what they call romance scams. Official
say criminals will scour dating websites, dating apps, chat rooms
build the relationship with you with the goal of accessing
your financial or other personal information.
Speaker 6 (22:55):
The FTC says romance scams cost nearly seventy thousand consumers
one point three billion dollars last year.
Speaker 15 (23:03):
The FBI sees a large percentage of elderly victims. Let's
talk red flags.
Speaker 23 (23:08):
This one might hurt.
Speaker 12 (23:09):
But if they're too good to be true.
Speaker 23 (23:10):
Gorgeous photos, perfect job, amazing lifestyle make a scammer's job
of luring you easier. If they seem sweet, genuine, caring,
talking about a future together a little more quickly than
typical relationships. That could be drawing you close to take
advantage of you.
Speaker 10 (23:25):
That's right.
Speaker 12 (23:26):
You got to be careful out there. If anyone literally
ever says anything nice to you, call the police. And
she said, another red flag is if the person has
an amazing lifestyle, a perfect job, gorgeous photos. Oh my god,
am I a scammer?
Speaker 10 (23:53):
Well?
Speaker 12 (23:53):
For more on these romance scams, we turned to Michael Costa. Michael,
it's it's so sad to hear about this, especially on
Valentine's Day.
Speaker 4 (24:06):
I know, Sarah, but every holiday is an opportunity for scams.
Last President's Day, a guy on Facebook claimed he was
Abraham Lincoln and asked me for money, which was clearly
a scam because I had already just wired the real
Abraham Lincoln ten thousand dollars. There's only one Lincoln, buddy.
How stupid do.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
You think I am?
Speaker 12 (24:27):
You're very smart, Michael. Well, let's focus on the romantic
scams because I'm especially worried about how they target the elderly.
Speaker 4 (24:36):
Yeah, the elderly are easy targets because they're so vulnerable
and they're so horny. Honestly, I'm scared for my own
loved ones. That's why I've started catfishing my grandmother.
Speaker 12 (24:49):
You're catfishing your own grandmother.
Speaker 15 (24:52):
As a preventative measure.
Speaker 4 (24:53):
Yes, The best way I could protect my ninety seven
year old grandmother from being scammed is to scam her
mind myself. This way, she feels loved, and I put
all the money she sends me right back into her
bank account. It's the same way I stop dogs from
eating discarded chicken bones laying on the street by eating
them myself.
Speaker 12 (25:15):
I'm sure the dogs are grateful, But how does catfishing
your grandmother even work.
Speaker 4 (25:21):
Take me through this, Okay, Well, it works the same
as normal catfishing. You create a profile of a charming
but believable person, in my case Miguel Gustavo, international art
dealer and King of Brazil. First you like their posts,
then you start the DMS. Hey, I like what I see.
Show me what you got under that sweater you knitted
(25:41):
for yourself. Here's what I'm packing, h Rose.
Speaker 12 (25:45):
You send your grandma newds.
Speaker 10 (25:47):
Well, not my nudes.
Speaker 4 (25:49):
Obviously, I'm not a creep. I send her picks of
guys I find online.
Speaker 10 (25:56):
Good few.
Speaker 12 (25:57):
I thought you exchanged nudes.
Speaker 15 (25:59):
Oh no, I mean she sends me her nudes. God, look,
I know it's gross. I don't like it either. I
am glad she's using the yoga classes. I got it
for Christmas.
Speaker 4 (26:13):
But still I don't want to see it, just like
I don't want to spend hours texting with her about
our grandson never calls, or have her explain every episode
of the Yellowstone.
Speaker 15 (26:23):
It's just Yellowstone, Grandma. I don't have a choice, Sarah.
Speaker 4 (26:30):
Okay, As Michael Costa, I can't keep my grandma offline.
Speaker 15 (26:33):
But as Miguel Glestavo, well, I can make sure.
Speaker 4 (26:36):
Her money stays where it belongs in the bank account
that I'm going to inherit one day.
Speaker 12 (26:43):
Guess in its own way, this is actually a like
a loving thing, Michael. I hope all the men out
there love their grandmas enough to seduce them.
Speaker 15 (26:53):
Thank you, Sarah, I really am the best grants. Sorry,
I got my grandma's dming me.
Speaker 7 (27:03):
Me and more.
Speaker 15 (27:04):
Please send five thousand dollars. I'm having my third kidney removed.
Speaker 9 (27:09):
Hell, thank you so much, Michael.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
Suys.
Speaker 18 (27:14):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show.
Speaker 7 (27:18):
Wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 18 (27:20):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount plus
Speaker 9 (27:34):
Paramount Podcasts
You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
Wow, welome back to the show.
Speaker 3 (00:16):
February fourteenth has long been a special day for people
who aren't drowning in a sea of loneliness, But have
we forgotten its true meaning?
Speaker 4 (00:26):
Nate Cordrey investigates.
Speaker 5 (00:30):
February fourteenth the day when we paused to remember the
martyrdom of Saint Valentine. As everyone knows, he married couples
in defiance of the Emperor Claudius the Second. For that
he was brutally beheaded. But what was once a sacred
holiday has been turned into a secular orgy. That's right,
(00:52):
there's a war on Saint Valentine's Day.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Chocolate thongs for women, This is for the guys.
Speaker 6 (01:03):
And those are very beautiful Valentine's Day sweaters.
Speaker 7 (01:07):
Hello, a little Linda Rigg.
Speaker 5 (01:09):
It's a far cry from the Saint Valentine TV specials
we remember from our youth.
Speaker 8 (01:14):
This represents the still beating heart ripped from Saint Valentine's chest.
Speaker 9 (01:19):
Let us up on his chocolatey love for the Lord.
Speaker 5 (01:23):
And how are profit hungry retailers cashing in? I would
undercover for some reason to find out In just eighteen
short centuries, We've gone from honoring the bloody decapitation of
religious martyr to dogs and boxer shorts and innocent balloons
(01:47):
turned into wanton displays of sexual perversion. Do you have
a Saint Valentine's Day section?
Speaker 10 (01:54):
Saint Valentine's way? We have Valentine's Day cards.
Speaker 5 (01:56):
You know, Saint Valentine's Day cards.
Speaker 11 (01:59):
Not specifically for Saint Valentine's Now.
Speaker 5 (02:01):
Yet another example of the war on Saint Valentine's Day.
Bastions of the Ivory Tower media elite like Harlequin Publishing
would have you believed that it's all harmless fun. I've
been out to the shops to see how people want
us to celebrate Valentine's Day.
Speaker 12 (02:23):
How to explain these.
Speaker 13 (02:25):
I don't think I have to explain them.
Speaker 12 (02:27):
It keeps your juices flying.
Speaker 5 (02:29):
All you people think about his sex?
Speaker 12 (02:31):
What about Saint Valentine?
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Huh?
Speaker 12 (02:32):
What about him?
Speaker 14 (02:34):
And I'm not an expert on that now I am
a romance expert.
Speaker 5 (02:37):
Isn't romance expert? As a fancy way of saying slut No,
haven't seen enough? You won't believe what's going on in
our schools. Heathen craft projects, pagan decorations. Someone had to
put the saint back in Saint Valentine's Day. Now, I'm
gonna starve you.
Speaker 11 (02:57):
What wait, what do you mean, I'm gonna strike down
the wrath on you, buddy.
Speaker 5 (03:02):
I'm gonna kick your butt with my sword.
Speaker 7 (03:04):
No, no, please, don't.
Speaker 5 (03:06):
I'm just trying to follow God's love. You went against me,
and I'm gonna cut your head off with this sword.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Right how.
Speaker 5 (03:17):
It was a lesson they'd never forget, and the school
encouraged me to spread my message elsewhere. So remember keeping
Valentine's Day saintly begins with you. First, instead of giving flowers,
sit quietly and reflect on the sacrifice of Saint Valentine. Second,
don't take your loved one to a fancy dinner. Fast
(03:38):
and reflect on Saint Valentine's martyrdom.
Speaker 15 (03:41):
Third, cards are.
Speaker 5 (03:42):
Fine as long as you use them to paper cut
your neck Saint Valentine's style. If we follow these simple steps,
maybe one day the great Saint Valentine will be honored
with the same reverence in respect of his brother Saint Patrick.
Speaker 3 (04:05):
On a lighter note, today is Valentine's Day, and for
more on love, that most mysterious of human emotions. We
turn to our resident expert, John Hodgman.
Speaker 10 (04:12):
John, thank you so much for John much.
Speaker 16 (04:17):
Let me put this.
Speaker 10 (04:18):
Through if I can.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
What is love?
Speaker 17 (04:22):
Well, that's really the wrong question, John. If you've ever
been in love, you know it has a different meaning
every day. Some have argued it's always special. Others, by contrast,
contend it's gripping stuff. A sizeable minority even claims it's
a quasi mental illness prompting the bizarre sexualization of genital
free infants in a daily cartoon string.
Speaker 13 (04:44):
No, John, the question isn't what is love? But why
is love?
Speaker 11 (04:52):
What does that mean?
Speaker 17 (04:53):
Well, sexual attraction serves a clear evolutionary purpose. It's a
primal urge that helps propagate the species feel it in
this very worom. For instance, as I speak, my air
of danger, coupled with my otherworldly machismo is prompting the
release of hormones in both the live and television audiences.
Speaker 13 (05:12):
But that's not love, it's lust. I get that a lot,
all right, So.
Speaker 10 (05:23):
Why is love?
Speaker 13 (05:25):
Well, that's really the wrong question, John.
Speaker 7 (05:28):
You're the one who said that that was.
Speaker 17 (05:30):
The problem is there are so many different kinds of love.
The ancient Greeks had almost as many different words for
love as they did for pederasty.
Speaker 13 (05:37):
There was erols, passionate.
Speaker 17 (05:39):
Love, philia, familiar love, ariyapi, sacrificial love, and me the
love of appetizers like stuffed grape leaves.
Speaker 3 (05:48):
Stuffed grape believes, I have to admit, are delicious.
Speaker 17 (05:52):
Well, if you love them so much, why don't you
marry them?
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Why would I marry?
Speaker 7 (05:59):
Uh?
Speaker 13 (05:59):
No, of course you and marry a grape leaf. That's
my point.
Speaker 17 (06:01):
You love grape leaves, but you're not in love with them.
Speaker 3 (06:06):
So you're saying love is what a social construct or,
an idea without any physical basis.
Speaker 17 (06:10):
Well, yes, that's been my entire premise, thank you, and
it would have been successful too if it weren't for
one thing.
Speaker 10 (06:20):
The floor is yours.
Speaker 13 (06:22):
The prairie rowl, the prairie val I don't think that, I, uh.
Speaker 17 (06:26):
John, The prairie bwal is an unusual species of rodent.
Come mating season, they find a partner with whom to breed,
but afterward they remain with that partner and continue to
copulate exclusively with them. This, as you've probably already guessed,
is where we get the term to like a prairie vol.
Speaker 10 (06:50):
I have never heard that phrase.
Speaker 17 (06:53):
God it means to have slow, tender sex with a loving,
monogamous partner while burrowed underneath the ground.
Speaker 13 (07:00):
I thought you were from New Jersey. I thought you would.
Speaker 17 (07:09):
Studies show that prairie rools experience the same surge and
oxytocin that happily married humans do. Meaning love is an
empirically observable chemical reaction.
Speaker 3 (07:18):
Meaning if so facto love is.
Speaker 17 (07:22):
Real, Oh maybe, but really it means that love can
be sold in a pill or time release capsule form.
Speaker 3 (07:26):
Noat now, that seems incredibly dystopic.
Speaker 13 (07:30):
I agree.
Speaker 17 (07:31):
I suppose we're romantics, you and I. We prefer our
love the old fashioned way and an easy to inhale
aerosol spray, so that on a day like today we
can wistfully turn to our loved ones and coup darling
let's like prairie bowls.
Speaker 9 (07:48):
Thank you very much.
Speaker 15 (07:49):
Happy Valentine's Day, John Hodgen.
Speaker 1 (07:52):
We'll be right back.
Speaker 3 (08:00):
If a new story falls through the cracks, Lewis Black
catches it for a segment we call back in Black.
Speaker 18 (08:10):
It'x February the most depressing month of the year, which
means it's time for Valentine's Day, the holiday that reminds
you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.
Speaker 1 (08:23):
And if you haven't got the money or.
Speaker 18 (08:25):
The energy for the holiday of love, feast your eyes
on this free computerized pre made Valentine's cards that you
can email to all of your girlfriends. And look, there's
even one for Monica. Speaking of which, how about a
Monica's cigar? And you know these Monica specials are authentic
(08:46):
because as you can see, they're sitting on the don juans.
They're making these little honeys in the Philippines and they're
selling twenty thousand a month.
Speaker 10 (08:56):
This is good, so I can give it to all
my friends. And just why would you want want to
do that? Oh, it's just like when you when you
smoke this, it's just like reminding you that you're in
the Oval office.
Speaker 18 (09:09):
Let me tell you, pal, only if it's too soggy
to light. If a romance isn't dead. So many great
romantic couples are Romeo and Juliet Tristan and he's older
Dody and Diana, Speaking of which, George Benson has sold
his soul to Dody's daddy, Mohammad al Fayed and written
(09:30):
this romantic little diddy.
Speaker 7 (09:31):
For the late love birds, And is it ever good?
Dudey dody, dudey doudeyde uh man.
Speaker 18 (09:58):
I just can't get that haunting my head.
Speaker 7 (10:02):
John, thank you, Lewis flat. How was that sort it
was black?
Speaker 10 (10:06):
Let me right back after this, take us out with
a song.
Speaker 3 (10:21):
Yes, my friends, it is Valentine's Day and if today
is about anything, it's about pleasing your loved ones. And
let's face it, no one does that quite as well
or as often as a veteran porn star. And that's
why a rabbi in southern California has hired former porn
actress Nina Hartley to teach an adult education sex seminar
(10:42):
for his congregants at.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
Temple Beth Ami.
Speaker 15 (10:45):
By the way, the keyword on that sign reform.
Speaker 3 (10:50):
The Rabbi Mark Blazer, prisingly that is not his porn name,
that's his rabbinical name, explains why he couldn't lead his
congregants to the Promised Land.
Speaker 8 (11:04):
The idea was actually congregants who wanted to expand what
we had already done as part of our dull education
lectures on the topic of sexuality. And so they said,
can we get somebody else to come in, because, quite frankly,
I had thought everything I knew about sexuality, which is
compared to Nina fairly limited.
Speaker 3 (11:24):
Rabbi Blazer was then given the coveted understatement of the
Year award Rabbi porn Star. So why Nina Hartley at
a synagogue? Well, for one, she's Jewish, she does have
eighteen years of lecturing experience to go along with her
religious background. Not to mention she gives great kepi.
Speaker 19 (11:48):
I have information people don't all have access to. I've
had more sex most people are going to ever have,
and if you can learn from me, I'm very grateful
for it.
Speaker 10 (11:59):
Yes, and my name is Shlomo.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
I'm a twenty five year old Talmudic scholar.
Speaker 7 (12:05):
My question is this, miss Hartley?
Speaker 10 (12:07):
Is it permissible?
Speaker 3 (12:08):
And did you take law for me to be masturbating
right now?
Speaker 19 (12:14):
What makes mom and dad happy is good for the family.
And one of the things that is given to us
from whichever source you say, is the delight in sexual
union with your partner. It's a very important thing. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (12:29):
Partly stresses to Jewish congregants that sex is indeed an
important part of family life, and she even gives tips
on how to enjoy edible underwear. The great part is
whatever underwear you donate, you can wrap up in tinfoil
and keep for later.
Speaker 11 (12:48):
In Technology news, if you got dumped this year because
your ex said you didn't communicates enough, it might not
have been your faults.
Speaker 6 (12:55):
If you received a mysterious text message this week from
someone unexpected, you were not alone. This happened to a
lot of people yesterday. They reported they received messages that
appear to have originally been sent on or around Valentine's
Day this year. One person tweeted, so, at two point
thirty this morning, my phone decided to send a text
to my ex girlfriend from nine months ago.
Speaker 15 (13:17):
She made this really sweet video of us for Valentine's Day.
Speaker 6 (13:20):
She thought I didn't respond, so that led to, among
other things, a ruined holiday.
Speaker 15 (13:25):
So you know that's how today it's going.
Speaker 13 (13:28):
Man, this story is crazy.
Speaker 11 (13:30):
Apparently a bunch of text messages sent on Valentine's Day
only got to people's phones. Now, yeah, it's a huge
glitch that affected thousands of people. Nobody knew about it,
and now it's in the news. And I bet a
lot of guys are using this as an excuse, like,
oh wait, wait, you didn't get that giant bouquet and
(13:50):
that diamond necklace that I texted you.
Speaker 15 (13:52):
Oh my god, AG and G man A and G.
Speaker 10 (14:00):
But yeah, a bunch of Valentine's sext didn't go through
and it sucks.
Speaker 11 (14:05):
But I'm gonna be honest, if your relationship ended over
a missed text, maybe that was the best.
Speaker 10 (14:10):
You dodged the bullets.
Speaker 11 (14:12):
Because I don't care what anybody says. Texting is supposed
to be casual. It's not about an immediate response. That's
why this isn't a problem for old people. They still
send love letters in the mail. You're gonna be like,
dearest Gertrude, I can't wait to tap that tight brand
muffin of yours.
Speaker 15 (14:27):
Respectfully, Harold.
Speaker 11 (14:31):
The craziest part of the story, and this is completely true.
The craziest part of the story is that some people
got text messages from people who have since died. Yeah,
that has got to be the most awkward booty call ever.
Speaker 1 (14:45):
Can you imagine phonus like you up? You're like, are
you up?
Speaker 10 (14:54):
It's Valentine's Day, otherwise known as the Saddest They of
the year to go on porn hobb Some people think
this days about love, but really it's about arguing with
strangers on the street. Prove me wrong Valentine's Day. Addition, yes,
Valentine's Day is the worst day of the proved me wrong. No,
(15:17):
I mean it's rush hour for love. We have all
this pressure from society and take people out and if
you can't get it done, guess what Everyone is upset.
Speaker 9 (15:25):
In Puerto Rico, which means friendship Day.
Speaker 10 (15:29):
Well, you're doing friendship Day.
Speaker 9 (15:30):
You give your friends like candy flowers.
Speaker 10 (15:34):
You get into a fight with your partner over what
restaurant booking you could not get. No, Well, then that's
not Valentine's Day.
Speaker 15 (15:40):
You don't have to participate.
Speaker 9 (15:41):
You can just enjoy the pretty colors.
Speaker 10 (15:43):
Or really, you don't feel the pressure of society weighing
on you on February fourteenth.
Speaker 9 (15:49):
Love doesn't have to be romantic. I have all my
family and friends on mem Oh.
Speaker 10 (15:52):
Yeah, I'm sure all your platonic guy friends really love
hang out with you.
Speaker 9 (15:56):
Valentine's Day is a day to sell the great love.
Speaker 10 (16:01):
So they are a few hundred and sixty four days
they can go for themselves.
Speaker 13 (16:04):
What other day, do you wake up and just think
about love first?
Speaker 10 (16:08):
Well, if you're a good person, every day it's.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
An excuse to get up pretty much if you're single.
Some people use it to have a baby. Some people
use it.
Speaker 10 (16:17):
So Valentine's Day is an excuse the fuck Joe not
not me?
Speaker 1 (16:22):
Yeah, you know I do me.
Speaker 20 (16:23):
But for people that not getting asked, you know, dudes
that don't get no buns. I live on the West
Coast now, I live in California. Yeah, you know, females
are a little bit more happier, you know, because they
enjoy you know, sexual activities in their bedroom. You know,
they're not having intercourse in a call on the side.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
Of the street in the train station.
Speaker 10 (16:42):
What are you talking about?
Speaker 20 (16:43):
I'm talking about this when you was talking about the
Valentine's daying about dudes putting in the pain.
Speaker 10 (16:49):
Okay, So is valentas said, the worst day of the
Ye're not no, it's not. Chocolate is the worst candidate.
Prove me wrong. Chocolate's delicious, pure chocolate, pure cocoa tastes
like shit. Why are you so angry at chocolate because
it's overrated? Like, if you really love me, get me
something that lasts like your HBO password.
Speaker 6 (17:09):
Sharing the HBO password is a sign of true love
and the sign of commitment.
Speaker 10 (17:15):
Yeah, it means I'm gonna let this put some my algorithms.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
What you see walking around, that's chocolate right there. I'm chocolate.
She chocolate. You see all the chocolate, you see all this.
Speaker 10 (17:24):
Don't make this racial.
Speaker 19 (17:25):
Not not.
Speaker 1 (17:27):
I'm not making it racial. I'm not making it. Rachel,
you're right.
Speaker 11 (17:29):
You're right.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
You're right, You're right. We use our skin complexion as destical.
Speaker 10 (17:32):
Okay, why do you like chocolate the candy?
Speaker 8 (17:34):
Me?
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Yes, uh preferencely, I like gummies.
Speaker 10 (17:38):
I'd rather sex should be a morning thing, never a
night thing. Prove me wrong.
Speaker 16 (17:43):
I'm gonna have to group because for me, morning sex
is the best.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
I'm with you.
Speaker 16 (17:48):
You got energy, Listen, people like to go to the
gym in the mornings. Give me dick, and I am up,
I am, I am, I am motivated to start my
day like never.
Speaker 10 (17:59):
At night ever.
Speaker 9 (18:00):
Ever, So when you have sex and then you go
to bed, it's like a really nice Listen.
Speaker 10 (18:04):
There's something called circadian rhythm, circadian rhythm whatever, it's the
rhythm you have as a human.
Speaker 9 (18:14):
Okay, that's how it looks when it happens. Yeah, just
like that's pretty aggressive.
Speaker 16 (18:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 10 (18:21):
There the morning activity.
Speaker 9 (18:22):
That's like alligators eat.
Speaker 10 (18:24):
This is what you're doing in the morning. This is
like coffee. This is nature's coffee.
Speaker 6 (18:29):
Right.
Speaker 9 (18:31):
That looks exhausting?
Speaker 1 (18:33):
How is that coffee?
Speaker 10 (18:35):
Single people should not be allowed out of their homes
on Valentine's Day? Proved me wrong.
Speaker 1 (18:39):
I agree.
Speaker 20 (18:41):
All the single people beside pieces sneaky links and you
know they're gonna put up the day.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
I agree with this. Let the couples go out.
Speaker 10 (18:50):
I think you are better at this than I am,
So maybe you should sit here and take my job.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Please, Okay.
Speaker 20 (18:57):
Single people should not be allowed of their homes on Valentine's.
Speaker 1 (19:01):
They prove me wrong.
Speaker 9 (19:03):
It kind of feels like gatekeeping, like you have to
go out.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
Single people need to go out.
Speaker 9 (19:12):
They're the ones who need to be out. The couple
should stay home.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
The single people need to be the ones getting drunk.
Speaker 10 (19:17):
That's the dumbest you ever heard my life.
Speaker 7 (19:19):
How is that done?
Speaker 10 (19:20):
But Valentine's Day is not for single losers.
Speaker 9 (19:23):
It's not losers.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Valentine's Days of Day by society.
Speaker 10 (19:27):
Who couldn't find someone on the most desperate day of
the year, going to love you? How much user are you?
Speaker 9 (19:37):
They should be allowed out because they make it fun.
Speaker 10 (19:40):
Someone's passing on the street in Brooklyn for the surprise.
If you're single Valentine's Day, the government should send you money.
Prove me wrong.
Speaker 9 (19:47):
Single people they have to take care of just themselves.
Speaker 10 (19:49):
Yeah, but it's a Valentine's Day thing. People are sad
on Valentine's They just send them some money.
Speaker 9 (19:53):
Money doesn't make you happy?
Speaker 19 (19:55):
Oh?
Speaker 10 (19:55):
Really? No? If I gave you twenty bucks right now,
would you be happy? No? Yeah, well I'll do fifty.
If you feed youbucks, we'd be happy. Ah, I got you.
Speaker 15 (20:03):
I gota.
Speaker 16 (20:05):
There's discounts for married people, there's discounts for family. What
a single people get?
Speaker 13 (20:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 10 (20:09):
Give us some money exactly, some tax breaks at least
what the ones who need it? What a desperate sad
people who need that money? I want? Are you going
out with someone on Valentine's Day?
Speaker 15 (20:21):
Maybe?
Speaker 10 (20:21):
Do you really want this?
Speaker 9 (20:23):
My nails?
Speaker 1 (20:24):
I want it.
Speaker 10 (20:24):
It's a fun day, all right, Fine, I'll prove to
you it's the worst day. Come on a date with
me on Valentine's Day. I'll show you. It's the worst
day of the year.
Speaker 16 (20:32):
Sorry, man, I can. I don't want to go on
Valentine's Day with you. I want to go on Valentine's
Day with Trevor. Noah, Trevor, if you're watching this, I
want to let you know I love you. I enjoyed
your show My Asking Square Garden a couple of weeks ago.
You were hilarious and I know you like Indian food.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
Come to Brooklyn.
Speaker 16 (20:47):
I will take you out to a nice Indian restaurant
and show you around Brooklyn.
Speaker 1 (20:52):
I love you.
Speaker 10 (20:54):
Valentine'sday is the one step of the year. Okay, you
guys know what today is, right.
Speaker 7 (21:04):
It's Valentine's Day. Ah.
Speaker 21 (21:08):
It's the one day you can dress up as a
baby and shoot people with a bow and arrow and
get away with it. And it's really nice to have
a day where we just we get to show that
special someone that we care, isn't it, you know? And
to the men out there, that's all you really need
to do, all right, because not everyone can afford flowers
or chocolates or a private Kenny g concert like Kanye West.
Speaker 13 (21:28):
No, Valentine's Day is.
Speaker 22 (21:30):
Just about sharing what's in your heart, all right, letting
your girl know that you love her. Now, ladies, if
he doesn't have flowers or a bear or something, you
need to cut him loose because clearly he does not respect.
Speaker 13 (21:42):
You for the queen that you are.
Speaker 15 (21:43):
I mean, he had all year to save up, and NIC's.
Speaker 11 (21:46):
Trying to say he can't afford a box of chocolates
that's five ninety nine at Walgreens.
Speaker 13 (21:50):
He can't say five ninety nine. That's two turnstile jumps.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
That's all that is.
Speaker 15 (21:55):
If you're mad, won't jump two turnstars for you? You
need to cut.
Speaker 12 (22:06):
And finally, today is Valentine's Day, the day when flowers
find out which house they're going to die in. Seriously,
why do we give people roses? They are already dying
the second you cut them. You're basically giving someone a
hospice patient. Love them well, you can just try to
(22:27):
keep them hydrated and make sure they're as comfortable as possible.
But there is a Valentine's surprise that's even worse than roses.
Stealing people's money.
Speaker 14 (22:39):
What is Valentine's Day? Law enforcement reminding you to keep
an eye out for what they call romance scams. Official
say criminals will scour dating websites, dating apps, chat rooms
build the relationship with you with the goal of accessing
your financial or other personal information.
Speaker 6 (22:55):
The FTC says romance scams cost nearly seventy thousand consumers
one point three billion dollars last year.
Speaker 15 (23:03):
The FBI sees a large percentage of elderly victims. Let's
talk red flags.
Speaker 23 (23:08):
This one might hurt.
Speaker 12 (23:09):
But if they're too good to be true.
Speaker 23 (23:10):
Gorgeous photos, perfect job, amazing lifestyle make a scammer's job
of luring you easier. If they seem sweet, genuine, caring,
talking about a future together a little more quickly than
typical relationships. That could be drawing you close to take
advantage of you.
Speaker 10 (23:25):
That's right.
Speaker 12 (23:26):
You got to be careful out there. If anyone literally
ever says anything nice to you, call the police. And
she said, another red flag is if the person has
an amazing lifestyle, a perfect job, gorgeous photos. Oh my god,
am I a scammer?
Speaker 10 (23:53):
Well?
Speaker 12 (23:53):
For more on these romance scams, we turned to Michael Costa. Michael,
it's it's so sad to hear about this, especially on
Valentine's Day.
Speaker 4 (24:06):
I know, Sarah, but every holiday is an opportunity for scams.
Last President's Day, a guy on Facebook claimed he was
Abraham Lincoln and asked me for money, which was clearly
a scam because I had already just wired the real
Abraham Lincoln ten thousand dollars. There's only one Lincoln, buddy.
How stupid do.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
You think I am?
Speaker 12 (24:27):
You're very smart, Michael. Well, let's focus on the romantic
scams because I'm especially worried about how they target the elderly.
Speaker 4 (24:36):
Yeah, the elderly are easy targets because they're so vulnerable
and they're so horny. Honestly, I'm scared for my own
loved ones. That's why I've started catfishing my grandmother.
Speaker 12 (24:49):
You're catfishing your own grandmother.
Speaker 15 (24:52):
As a preventative measure.
Speaker 4 (24:53):
Yes, The best way I could protect my ninety seven
year old grandmother from being scammed is to scam her
mind myself. This way, she feels loved, and I put
all the money she sends me right back into her
bank account. It's the same way I stop dogs from
eating discarded chicken bones laying on the street by eating
them myself.
Speaker 12 (25:15):
I'm sure the dogs are grateful, But how does catfishing
your grandmother even work.
Speaker 4 (25:21):
Take me through this, Okay, Well, it works the same
as normal catfishing. You create a profile of a charming
but believable person, in my case Miguel Gustavo, international art
dealer and King of Brazil. First you like their posts,
then you start the DMS. Hey, I like what I see.
Show me what you got under that sweater you knitted
(25:41):
for yourself. Here's what I'm packing, h Rose.
Speaker 12 (25:45):
You send your grandma newds.
Speaker 10 (25:47):
Well, not my nudes.
Speaker 4 (25:49):
Obviously, I'm not a creep. I send her picks of
guys I find online.
Speaker 10 (25:56):
Good few.
Speaker 12 (25:57):
I thought you exchanged nudes.
Speaker 15 (25:59):
Oh no, I mean she sends me her nudes. God, look,
I know it's gross. I don't like it either. I
am glad she's using the yoga classes. I got it
for Christmas.
Speaker 4 (26:13):
But still I don't want to see it, just like
I don't want to spend hours texting with her about
our grandson never calls, or have her explain every episode
of the Yellowstone.
Speaker 15 (26:23):
It's just Yellowstone, Grandma. I don't have a choice, Sarah.
Speaker 4 (26:30):
Okay, As Michael Costa, I can't keep my grandma offline.
Speaker 15 (26:33):
But as Miguel Glestavo, well, I can make sure.
Speaker 4 (26:36):
Her money stays where it belongs in the bank account
that I'm going to inherit one day.
Speaker 12 (26:43):
Guess in its own way, this is actually a like
a loving thing, Michael. I hope all the men out
there love their grandmas enough to seduce them.
Speaker 15 (26:53):
Thank you, Sarah, I really am the best grants. Sorry,
I got my grandma's dming me.
Speaker 7 (27:03):
Me and more.
Speaker 15 (27:04):
Please send five thousand dollars. I'm having my third kidney removed.
Speaker 9 (27:09):
Hell, thank you so much, Michael.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
Suys.
Speaker 18 (27:14):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show.
Speaker 7 (27:18):
Wherever you get your podcasts.
Speaker 18 (27:20):
Watch The Daily Show weeknights at eleven ten Central on
Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Paramount plus
Speaker 9 (27:34):
Paramount Podcasts
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