February 6, 2024 • 22 mins
Throwing it back to Jordan's first on-screen chat with Jon and his desperate need to please Dad, sorry...Jon. Jordan then attempts to capitalize off conservatives and patriotism's impact on NSA surveillance. Plus, Jordan helps Jon cover Trump becoming the first openly asshole president, and Jordan and Hasan Minhaj walk Jon through his Twitter mentions.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central. For more of the story.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
We're joined by our new senior Caucasian correspondent, Jordan Klepper.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
Jordan, thank you for joining us on the.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
Programmer, Chris Jordan, welcome the show.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
First of all, we're excited to have you. You are
in Crimea, obviously you have studied this region for years.
Speaker 4 (00:28):
Yes, that is true. Okay, As you know, the Crimean
Peninsula is ethnically Russian. Now it's important to remember a
peninsula is a land mask surrounded on three sides by water,
on like an island or an isthmus. Now, the Crimean
Peninsula is dependent on Russia for most of their natural resources.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Actually, they're dependent on the Ukraine for most of their
natural resources, right.
Speaker 4 (00:52):
Right, stupid superd I'm sorry. I don't know why I
said that. I'm not going to fail you, dad. John.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
It's all right, Jordan, it's fine, okay, just relax. How
are the people feeling.
Speaker 4 (01:06):
They're scared, John, real scared, little sweaty.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Because they have ties to both the Ukraine and Russia.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
Is that uh sure? I mean if you had asked
them a week ago, would you like to be a
part of Russia? They would have been like, yes, Russia
is my favorite. I'd love to join Russia. I watched
Russia every night. But now they don't know what they've
gotten themselves into, you know, and they think maybe I've
gotten a little bit in over my head.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Just say it's fine, you're doing fine, stay focused. What
have you learned so far today?
Speaker 4 (01:39):
Well, you have to dial nine to get an outside line.
Lunch is at one. And if I keep my head
down here for a couple of years, I've got a
real shot at my own sitcom. On nbc.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
U.
Speaker 4 (02:01):
You were talking about Crimea. Right, yeah, I'm blowing it.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
No, you're blowing and everything's fine. You're in Crimea. Yes, Now,
obviously it's daybreak there.
Speaker 4 (02:11):
Oh, actually I'm gonna stop you there, John, it's six
fifteen at night, although obviously we are pretending it's eleven fifteen,
which in Crimea is six fifteen in the morning where
I'm supposed to be Dad. I am so sorry. No,
you're so sorry.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
You're not You're doing great.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
Okay, there's don't there's almost nothing you can do to
mess up one of these reports, trust me.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
Thank you. That's I mean, this is this is kind
of a big deal for me, John, you know this
means a lot to me, and my parents are watching
(02:58):
at home. You know, say clean and silver, Jordan, you know,
and that record will get expunge. Just keep to it,
work hard.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
I think you could go back to CRIMEA or that.
Speaker 4 (03:15):
Yes you got it boss.
Speaker 5 (03:17):
Here by from crimead Nobody.
Speaker 4 (03:27):
We'll be ride by.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
As in every story these days, at some point someone
is gonna get caught unaware when a thing they say
makes them the weather vein for the entire National Star.
Owners of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana, they say they
support the new law and plan to act accordingly.
Speaker 6 (03:48):
If a gay couple was to come in, like say
we wanted they wanted us to provide them pizzas for
a wedding, we would have to say no.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Previously, anonymous pizza lady who was interviewed for a local
news story buckle your seat dollar.
Speaker 7 (04:09):
The social media storm ensued, the threats, the nasty tweets
inundated with negative comments. They had to shut down because
of threats that they were receiving. One woman who tweeted
something to the effect of, Who's going to come to
Walkerton and help me burn down Memories pizza.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
But if they did that, everyone would say, oh man,
that place that was here?
Speaker 1 (04:30):
What was that called? Again? I can't. I have no
recollection with fists.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
It's quite a backlash. But what the Internet taketh? So
the Internet giveth.
Speaker 8 (04:44):
A go fundme campaign has been set up and has
raised almost half a million dollars in one day.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
Eight hundred and forty two thousand dollars, that's how much
money has been raised in support of Memories Pizza.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
Indiana pizza better be good pizza. That's all I can say.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
From here, we go to senior correspondent Jordan Klepper, who
was in Indiana to night.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
Jordan, thank you for Jordy? Uh what Jordan's what?
Speaker 2 (05:18):
What do you make of this this storm around this business?
Speaker 4 (05:21):
I gotta say, John, I get it, probably because I
too am a business owner.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
You're you are?
Speaker 3 (05:27):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (05:27):
Absolutely. I recently started a restaurant, pizzeria in fact, really
and what's it called? The Recollections Pizza? Come one, come
everybody who isn't gay?
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Now all right, Jordan, I see what you're doing here,
but I think the anti gay pizzeria donation train price
has already left the station.
Speaker 4 (05:50):
Okay, you didn't let me finish John Days and immigrants?
What's serve immigrants?
Speaker 3 (05:54):
No?
Speaker 1 (05:58):
What was the name of your place again?
Speaker 4 (06:01):
I'm calling it remembrances of cal Zone's past. Our slogan is, hey,
remember that cal Zone we had that one time?
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Jordan, You're you're.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Just trying to profit from this bigotry site.
Speaker 4 (06:12):
That's off whoa whoa whoa Stuart call off the attack dogs.
I'm just a liberty loving American trying to serve some
home cooked food with a dashing charm and a pinch
of Absolutely no immigrants. Also, I don't know no Muslims.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Jordan.
Speaker 4 (06:26):
This is what this is.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
It's a law for Christian believe you're not even a
fundamentalist Christians?
Speaker 4 (06:30):
Yes, I'm not. I love that Sandals. God, you don't
know the guy you know what that Jared Letto hair
and the flowing beard. What's his name?
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Jesus Christ?
Speaker 4 (06:40):
Set with me? John, Look, I won't remember his name. Say,
I knew you'd try to persecute me for my beliefs.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
How are you being persecuted?
Speaker 4 (06:48):
George kidding? In this environment, I don't know if I
can even open my newest place. Deja vu? Meatballs slogan is, Hey,
didn't I just eat those meatballs? All right?
Speaker 2 (06:59):
I gotta say that one actually sounds pretty good.
Speaker 4 (07:00):
Slowed down, No Jews, what Jordan, This is not gonna work, Okay,
I'm sorry. I just think real America wants a place
where they can eat with their family without being harassed
by some dirty chinaman. That's gotta be like fifty k
right there, right than what the hell are you chilling?
You're doing it? I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm
(07:21):
watching my gofund me campaign and it is blowing up. No,
thanks to you, you East Coast Hollywood liberal boom. Just
past two million bucks, Jan.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Two million bucks. But what you can do?
Speaker 4 (07:32):
All that money donated to the church of course.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Oh I get well, all right.
Speaker 4 (07:36):
I'm with you, John Hookers and blow praise the load.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Thank you, Jeordan.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
Jordan talked to everybody. For more, we turn to senior
surveillance correspondent Jordan Clipper.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Jordan, this.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
Like, uh, this seems like a big turning point for
the Nssay, where does Anna say go from here?
Speaker 4 (08:00):
Hopefully further, much much further. In a world that's dangerous,
you can never collect enough intelligence and I'm not just
talking about phone data. The clue that stops the next
terror attack could be in a pile of unopened bank
statements on your kitchen table, or in a giant bag
of taxi receipts you've been accumulating since you moved to
New York six years ago. The NSA should really just
(08:22):
take it all, maybe even organize it.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
I'm not sure the NSA is interested in him, John.
Speaker 4 (08:31):
We're talking about national security. We can't let anything slip
through the cracks. The NSA should be storing at all
from a complete set of Frasier DVDs that you haven't
watched in years but can't bear to part with, or maybe,
I don't know, like a box of your cherished trophies
in your books.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
You're just doing some spring cleaning.
Speaker 4 (08:50):
Jordan's with it, No, don I'm gathering potential intel for
terror thwarting purposes. There's a lot of actionable stuff here.
This class of ninety seven. Look. Oh, stay cool, John,
I never was cool. That's clearly some kind of GI
hottest code. I hope you finally get some in college.
(09:14):
What does it even mean get some?
Speaker 3 (09:16):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (09:17):
I'll tell you what they're talking about. Plutonium.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Jordan I'm not.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
I'm not trying to question your patriotism in anyway.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
But you appear to be.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Trying to get the NSSA to just store your junk
for you. Why don't you just get yourself one of
themselves storage unit YEP for.
Speaker 4 (09:31):
Three hundred bucks a month. No, thank you. Look you're
telling me the NSSA doesn't have like a closet where
they can throw all my yeah and then meticulously analyze
it for security purposes.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Come on, Joan, this isn't.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Even about protecting America anymore.
Speaker 4 (09:45):
I don't try to tare you, sir. My love of
country knows no bounds. Hell, for all I care, the
NSA can a terrogate my dog, you know, maybe for
like a long weekend, prefer around the Cape Cod clam jam,
And then you know, then I can pick Mopsy up
(10:06):
on my way back home. While I'm there, I can
also drop off some winter coats.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Your apartment's pretty small, and Jordan, I can't even lie down.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
I'm maga, Jordon, Jordan clupper everybody.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
We'll be right back.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
I didn't realize.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
For more on the developments in Donald.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Trump's presidential bid, because you know, why not nothing else
really is fun to talk about. We turned a senior
election correspondent, Jordan Clupper, who is at Trump International Hotel.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
Jordan, thanks for joining us.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
Yes, hello, John Jordan.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
A month in a Trump's campaign and he has already
managed to alienate most of his own party.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
I know.
Speaker 4 (10:48):
The man is truly an inspiration.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Quaint, an inspiration to whom.
Speaker 4 (10:53):
Well, to me, to my hedge fund manager, to frat
boys everywhere. John, You see, Donald Trump could very well
be our first openly asshole president.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Or come on, that can't be true. I can't even
be What about Andrew Jackson?
Speaker 1 (11:11):
He was an asshole?
Speaker 4 (11:12):
Oh no, no, no, no no. Jackson was a compassionless killing machine.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Warren Harding.
Speaker 4 (11:18):
Harding was a dickhead, not an asshole. It's nuanced, you know,
but there is a difference.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Nixon Nixon clearly an asshole.
Speaker 4 (11:27):
Gaping, a gaping asshole, but closeted now. Nixon's assholeishness went
unconfirmed up until those tapes leaked. But Trump, on the
other hand, says it loud and proud. I'm here, I'm
an asshole. Get used to it, you Mexican rapist losers.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
No, I mean to be verbally honest with you, and
I admember this.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
I never did.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
I never thought about it that.
Speaker 4 (11:51):
John, Clearly you're one of those people who is prejudiced
against asshole Americans.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
That's during that's totally not true.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Said I. I'm very close friends who are.
Speaker 4 (12:03):
Assholes really yep, like like who.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Paul Rudd, Paul.
Speaker 9 (12:11):
Rudder, John, John, thank you for the shout out, buddy,
Thank you.
Speaker 4 (12:32):
Really, this is the best asshole you could come up with.
Speaker 9 (12:36):
Hey, Clipper, I just your mom while your dad watched
side show Bob looking nobody Piece of Trump twenty sixteen.
Speaker 4 (12:50):
Yeah, I stand corrected. That guy's a real asshole.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Hey, I told you. I get it now. Trump's campaign
is a step forward for assholes everywhere.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
Not just to step a giant leap for ass kind. John.
Let me tell you a story about little Boy. People
used to say to me, to him, little boy, you'll
never be president. You're way too big an asshole, Jordan boy,
little boy. Then he'd cry myself to sleep while listening
to nickelback. John, do you know who that little me was?
(13:24):
It was you? No, it was me, John, It was me.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Huh.
Speaker 4 (13:30):
But today today is a new day, not just for me,
but for the little assholes out there at home sassing
their underpaid cleaning woman, to the grown assholes out there
running their first puppy mill or clapping at the wrong
parts of woof the Wall Street. Now now those assholes
can dream, and so we say thank you Donald Trump
(13:52):
for being such a tremendous asshole.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Jordan. That was beautiful.
Speaker 4 (13:58):
Thank you always, Thank you, John. And by the way,
I also your mom or your dad watched.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
My dad's passed away, Jordan.
Speaker 4 (14:06):
Yikes. Sorry, Paul Rudd makes it look so easy.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Over the past couple of weeks, we've been drinking cold
syrup before the show. I'm sorry. We've been encouraging you
to send questions you've always wanted to ask.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
I haven't been drinking night quil before the show anyway.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
We wanted you to send questions that you've always wanted
to ask by a Twitter. Well, tonight I answer those
questions in a segment we call Hey, it's gonna be uh.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
I'm sorry, I thought we were doing a round table.
We have a seat, John sure, I thought, Okay, what's
this all about. I'm just gonna.
Speaker 4 (14:53):
People want answer, Stewart, I.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
Know that's I'm happy to give them and we're gonna prove.
Speaker 4 (15:02):
It that benefits. Babe wants to know who was your
favorite guest of all time?
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Oh uh, Jimmy Carter. Uh. President mccarnter, because usually he's
drunk and right afterwards he's always.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Like, can we go look for horse? So it's like
that's always.
Speaker 4 (15:21):
Okay, Okay, you think this is funny. You think it's funny,
don't you, mister chuckles?
Speaker 8 (15:27):
You know, Jordan, I I didn't want to do this.
Speaker 4 (15:29):
I'm sure you didn't, but I have to.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
I didn't want to necessarily. Jesus, what is what are
you doing? No, Hassan, don't, don't, don't do that.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Oh God, Hassan, No, not in the night?
Speaker 4 (15:40):
And fork, what is that?
Speaker 10 (15:41):
Didn he knows, No, Hassan, Just just please, it's fine.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
My favorite guest are my friends.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
I get to not work around them for five minutes
and it's an honor to sit across people. Also like
Malala Desmond too too. Jimmy Carter. Just put put the
colory down.
Speaker 4 (15:53):
Just seed it with your okay, see say was that
so hard?
Speaker 3 (15:57):
No?
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Look, just spit it out.
Speaker 4 (16:01):
Can we focus toward can we focus? Let hidigestion? However,
he was all right.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
I just saw it.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
You know, Look it is still pizza.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Twitter was to know now at life is desire? Asked,
what is written on the blue papers?
Speaker 1 (16:16):
You scribble it?
Speaker 8 (16:18):
I've always wanted to know that one.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
It's not like I've been writing a novel, one sentence
a day for sixteen years about the struggles of a
female blacksmith working in a male dominated professions.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
He's doing jokes.
Speaker 8 (16:34):
If I wanted jokes, I would have asked someone funnier.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
That's gating a little bit.
Speaker 4 (16:39):
That's you know, Uh, God, forgive me for what I
am about to do.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Don't do this.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
What are you gonna do?
Speaker 9 (16:47):
Frank got me?
Speaker 4 (16:48):
Suit you No, I'm terrible.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
I can't watch anymore, and neither cood people. And we're
supposed to pay money for that?
Speaker 3 (17:10):
Is that?
Speaker 4 (17:10):
Is that your intent to look desperate and said, I
mean you are terrible. I can't act.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
Look, the blue papers are a script. I'm just scribbling
on them. I get bored.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
I can't smoke anymore, so I scribble or I doodle
the same cartoons over and over again.
Speaker 3 (17:23):
That's what I got.
Speaker 4 (17:24):
God, I want to see that cartoon. I want to
see that's so bad show me that this is.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
What I actually did.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
All right, So what I normally do is I draw
just a round headed drunk guy like that, or I
draw me when I was in college.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
That's ah, that's a jewfro.
Speaker 4 (17:46):
I mean, that's pretty good. I'm not gonna lie. That's
pretty good.
Speaker 8 (17:50):
But but at Sam put simply he wants to know,
is there an algorithm for what cities go on the
globe ticker every show?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
But no, there's no algorithm.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
I dont know what you're talking.
Speaker 4 (18:00):
There's not wouldn't make us do this, Stewart. Look, we've
got a guitar, a pair of terrible voices, and we
like making up our own lyrics to Born to.
Speaker 10 (18:07):
Run and Bruce Brison, I was born baby, all right.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
To Chuck O'Neill, our director, Chuck O'Neill.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
He chooses the cities based on a team like places
in famous zoos, our countries in the World Cup semifinals.
We think it is a fun game the viewers can
play at home.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
I'm sorry, that's all it is.
Speaker 8 (18:23):
Okay, good, that's fine, right, that's fine, all right? But
one last thing, all right, all right? At L ninety nine,
Blood wants to know Mary shag or Kill, Larry Wilmore,
John Oliver, Stephen Colbert.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
Look, guys, these are my friends. I'm not going to
drive a wedge between U saying which one I would
marry kill.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Let's not.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Let's just some things their best left unset under this, Stewart,
I hope let's not worry about this type of what
is that?
Speaker 1 (18:55):
You know what this is?
Speaker 4 (18:57):
You know what this is, Stuart.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
I think that's a and Piers to be an Arby's enema.
Speaker 4 (19:01):
Yeah right, that's exactly what it is.
Speaker 8 (19:03):
And if you don't start talking, we're gonna make you
eat it instead.
Speaker 10 (19:08):
Come on, fine, every one of them, every single one
of them, in every position, and everyone in the house,
and then I would make the breakfast in the morning, and.
Speaker 4 (19:20):
Then he would oh, hey, hey who and I would
know my hey, hey, hey hey.
Speaker 7 (19:33):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcast.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plucks.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast
You're listening to Comedy Central. For more of the story.
Speaker 2 (00:08):
We're joined by our new senior Caucasian correspondent, Jordan Klepper.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
Jordan, thank you for joining us on the.
Speaker 3 (00:14):
Programmer, Chris Jordan, welcome the show.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
First of all, we're excited to have you. You are
in Crimea, obviously you have studied this region for years.
Speaker 4 (00:28):
Yes, that is true. Okay, As you know, the Crimean
Peninsula is ethnically Russian. Now it's important to remember a
peninsula is a land mask surrounded on three sides by water,
on like an island or an isthmus. Now, the Crimean
Peninsula is dependent on Russia for most of their natural resources.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Actually, they're dependent on the Ukraine for most of their
natural resources, right.
Speaker 4 (00:52):
Right, stupid superd I'm sorry. I don't know why I
said that. I'm not going to fail you, dad. John.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
It's all right, Jordan, it's fine, okay, just relax. How
are the people feeling.
Speaker 4 (01:06):
They're scared, John, real scared, little sweaty.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Because they have ties to both the Ukraine and Russia.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
Is that uh sure? I mean if you had asked
them a week ago, would you like to be a
part of Russia? They would have been like, yes, Russia
is my favorite. I'd love to join Russia. I watched
Russia every night. But now they don't know what they've
gotten themselves into, you know, and they think maybe I've
gotten a little bit in over my head.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Just say it's fine, you're doing fine, stay focused. What
have you learned so far today?
Speaker 4 (01:39):
Well, you have to dial nine to get an outside line.
Lunch is at one. And if I keep my head
down here for a couple of years, I've got a
real shot at my own sitcom. On nbc.
Speaker 3 (01:58):
U.
Speaker 4 (02:01):
You were talking about Crimea. Right, yeah, I'm blowing it.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
No, you're blowing and everything's fine. You're in Crimea. Yes, Now,
obviously it's daybreak there.
Speaker 4 (02:11):
Oh, actually I'm gonna stop you there, John, it's six
fifteen at night, although obviously we are pretending it's eleven fifteen,
which in Crimea is six fifteen in the morning where
I'm supposed to be Dad. I am so sorry. No,
you're so sorry.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
You're not You're doing great.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
Okay, there's don't there's almost nothing you can do to
mess up one of these reports, trust me.
Speaker 4 (02:36):
Thank you. That's I mean, this is this is kind
of a big deal for me, John, you know this
means a lot to me, and my parents are watching
(02:58):
at home. You know, say clean and silver, Jordan, you know,
and that record will get expunge. Just keep to it,
work hard.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
I think you could go back to CRIMEA or that.
Speaker 4 (03:15):
Yes you got it boss.
Speaker 5 (03:17):
Here by from crimead Nobody.
Speaker 4 (03:27):
We'll be ride by.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
As in every story these days, at some point someone
is gonna get caught unaware when a thing they say
makes them the weather vein for the entire National Star.
Owners of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana, they say they
support the new law and plan to act accordingly.
Speaker 6 (03:48):
If a gay couple was to come in, like say
we wanted they wanted us to provide them pizzas for
a wedding, we would have to say no.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Previously, anonymous pizza lady who was interviewed for a local
news story buckle your seat dollar.
Speaker 7 (04:09):
The social media storm ensued, the threats, the nasty tweets
inundated with negative comments. They had to shut down because
of threats that they were receiving. One woman who tweeted
something to the effect of, Who's going to come to
Walkerton and help me burn down Memories pizza.
Speaker 2 (04:26):
But if they did that, everyone would say, oh man,
that place that was here?
Speaker 1 (04:30):
What was that called? Again? I can't. I have no
recollection with fists.
Speaker 2 (04:38):
It's quite a backlash. But what the Internet taketh? So
the Internet giveth.
Speaker 8 (04:44):
A go fundme campaign has been set up and has
raised almost half a million dollars in one day.
Speaker 3 (04:50):
Eight hundred and forty two thousand dollars, that's how much
money has been raised in support of Memories Pizza.
Speaker 1 (05:04):
Indiana pizza better be good pizza. That's all I can say.
Speaker 2 (05:08):
From here, we go to senior correspondent Jordan Klepper, who
was in Indiana to night.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
Jordan, thank you for Jordy? Uh what Jordan's what?
Speaker 2 (05:18):
What do you make of this this storm around this business?
Speaker 4 (05:21):
I gotta say, John, I get it, probably because I
too am a business owner.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
You're you are?
Speaker 3 (05:27):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (05:27):
Absolutely. I recently started a restaurant, pizzeria in fact, really
and what's it called? The Recollections Pizza? Come one, come
everybody who isn't gay?
Speaker 2 (05:42):
Now all right, Jordan, I see what you're doing here,
but I think the anti gay pizzeria donation train price
has already left the station.
Speaker 4 (05:50):
Okay, you didn't let me finish John Days and immigrants?
What's serve immigrants?
Speaker 3 (05:54):
No?
Speaker 1 (05:58):
What was the name of your place again?
Speaker 4 (06:01):
I'm calling it remembrances of cal Zone's past. Our slogan is, hey,
remember that cal Zone we had that one time?
Speaker 1 (06:08):
Jordan, You're you're.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Just trying to profit from this bigotry site.
Speaker 4 (06:12):
That's off whoa whoa whoa Stuart call off the attack dogs.
I'm just a liberty loving American trying to serve some
home cooked food with a dashing charm and a pinch
of Absolutely no immigrants. Also, I don't know no Muslims.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
Jordan.
Speaker 4 (06:26):
This is what this is.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
It's a law for Christian believe you're not even a
fundamentalist Christians?
Speaker 4 (06:30):
Yes, I'm not. I love that Sandals. God, you don't
know the guy you know what that Jared Letto hair
and the flowing beard. What's his name?
Speaker 1 (06:39):
Jesus Christ?
Speaker 4 (06:40):
Set with me? John, Look, I won't remember his name. Say,
I knew you'd try to persecute me for my beliefs.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
How are you being persecuted?
Speaker 4 (06:48):
George kidding? In this environment, I don't know if I
can even open my newest place. Deja vu? Meatballs slogan is, Hey,
didn't I just eat those meatballs? All right?
Speaker 2 (06:59):
I gotta say that one actually sounds pretty good.
Speaker 4 (07:00):
Slowed down, No Jews, what Jordan, This is not gonna work, Okay,
I'm sorry. I just think real America wants a place
where they can eat with their family without being harassed
by some dirty chinaman. That's gotta be like fifty k
right there, right than what the hell are you chilling?
You're doing it? I'll tell you what I'm doing. I'm
(07:21):
watching my gofund me campaign and it is blowing up. No,
thanks to you, you East Coast Hollywood liberal boom. Just
past two million bucks, Jan.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Two million bucks. But what you can do?
Speaker 4 (07:32):
All that money donated to the church of course.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Oh I get well, all right.
Speaker 4 (07:36):
I'm with you, John Hookers and blow praise the load.
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Thank you, Jeordan.
Speaker 2 (07:41):
Jordan talked to everybody. For more, we turn to senior
surveillance correspondent Jordan Clipper.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
Jordan, this.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
Like, uh, this seems like a big turning point for
the Nssay, where does Anna say go from here?
Speaker 4 (08:00):
Hopefully further, much much further. In a world that's dangerous,
you can never collect enough intelligence and I'm not just
talking about phone data. The clue that stops the next
terror attack could be in a pile of unopened bank
statements on your kitchen table, or in a giant bag
of taxi receipts you've been accumulating since you moved to
New York six years ago. The NSA should really just
(08:22):
take it all, maybe even organize it.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
I'm not sure the NSA is interested in him, John.
Speaker 4 (08:31):
We're talking about national security. We can't let anything slip
through the cracks. The NSA should be storing at all
from a complete set of Frasier DVDs that you haven't
watched in years but can't bear to part with, or maybe,
I don't know, like a box of your cherished trophies
in your books.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
You're just doing some spring cleaning.
Speaker 4 (08:50):
Jordan's with it, No, don I'm gathering potential intel for
terror thwarting purposes. There's a lot of actionable stuff here.
This class of ninety seven. Look. Oh, stay cool, John,
I never was cool. That's clearly some kind of GI
hottest code. I hope you finally get some in college.
(09:14):
What does it even mean get some?
Speaker 3 (09:16):
Uh?
Speaker 4 (09:17):
I'll tell you what they're talking about. Plutonium.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Jordan I'm not.
Speaker 2 (09:21):
I'm not trying to question your patriotism in anyway.
Speaker 4 (09:24):
But you appear to be.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Trying to get the NSSA to just store your junk
for you. Why don't you just get yourself one of
themselves storage unit YEP for.
Speaker 4 (09:31):
Three hundred bucks a month. No, thank you. Look you're
telling me the NSSA doesn't have like a closet where
they can throw all my yeah and then meticulously analyze
it for security purposes.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Come on, Joan, this isn't.
Speaker 2 (09:43):
Even about protecting America anymore.
Speaker 4 (09:45):
I don't try to tare you, sir. My love of
country knows no bounds. Hell, for all I care, the
NSA can a terrogate my dog, you know, maybe for
like a long weekend, prefer around the Cape Cod clam jam,
And then you know, then I can pick Mopsy up
(10:06):
on my way back home. While I'm there, I can
also drop off some winter coats.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Your apartment's pretty small, and Jordan, I can't even lie down.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
I'm maga, Jordon, Jordan clupper everybody.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
We'll be right back.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
I didn't realize.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
For more on the developments in Donald.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Trump's presidential bid, because you know, why not nothing else
really is fun to talk about. We turned a senior
election correspondent, Jordan Clupper, who is at Trump International Hotel.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
Jordan, thanks for joining us.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
Yes, hello, John Jordan.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
A month in a Trump's campaign and he has already
managed to alienate most of his own party.
Speaker 3 (10:47):
I know.
Speaker 4 (10:48):
The man is truly an inspiration.
Speaker 1 (10:50):
Quaint, an inspiration to whom.
Speaker 4 (10:53):
Well, to me, to my hedge fund manager, to frat
boys everywhere. John, You see, Donald Trump could very well
be our first openly asshole president.
Speaker 2 (11:06):
Or come on, that can't be true. I can't even
be What about Andrew Jackson?
Speaker 1 (11:11):
He was an asshole?
Speaker 4 (11:12):
Oh no, no, no, no no. Jackson was a compassionless killing machine.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
Warren Harding.
Speaker 4 (11:18):
Harding was a dickhead, not an asshole. It's nuanced, you know,
but there is a difference.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Nixon Nixon clearly an asshole.
Speaker 4 (11:27):
Gaping, a gaping asshole, but closeted now. Nixon's assholeishness went
unconfirmed up until those tapes leaked. But Trump, on the
other hand, says it loud and proud. I'm here, I'm
an asshole. Get used to it, you Mexican rapist losers.
Speaker 2 (11:46):
No, I mean to be verbally honest with you, and
I admember this.
Speaker 1 (11:49):
I never did.
Speaker 2 (11:50):
I never thought about it that.
Speaker 4 (11:51):
John, Clearly you're one of those people who is prejudiced
against asshole Americans.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
That's during that's totally not true.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Said I. I'm very close friends who are.
Speaker 4 (12:03):
Assholes really yep, like like who.
Speaker 2 (12:10):
Paul Rudd, Paul.
Speaker 9 (12:11):
Rudder, John, John, thank you for the shout out, buddy,
Thank you.
Speaker 4 (12:32):
Really, this is the best asshole you could come up with.
Speaker 9 (12:36):
Hey, Clipper, I just your mom while your dad watched
side show Bob looking nobody Piece of Trump twenty sixteen.
Speaker 4 (12:50):
Yeah, I stand corrected. That guy's a real asshole.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Hey, I told you. I get it now. Trump's campaign
is a step forward for assholes everywhere.
Speaker 4 (13:00):
Not just to step a giant leap for ass kind. John.
Let me tell you a story about little Boy. People
used to say to me, to him, little boy, you'll
never be president. You're way too big an asshole, Jordan boy,
little boy. Then he'd cry myself to sleep while listening
to nickelback. John, do you know who that little me was?
(13:24):
It was you? No, it was me, John, It was me.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Huh.
Speaker 4 (13:30):
But today today is a new day, not just for me,
but for the little assholes out there at home sassing
their underpaid cleaning woman, to the grown assholes out there
running their first puppy mill or clapping at the wrong
parts of woof the Wall Street. Now now those assholes
can dream, and so we say thank you Donald Trump
(13:52):
for being such a tremendous asshole.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
Jordan. That was beautiful.
Speaker 4 (13:58):
Thank you always, Thank you, John. And by the way,
I also your mom or your dad watched.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
My dad's passed away, Jordan.
Speaker 4 (14:06):
Yikes. Sorry, Paul Rudd makes it look so easy.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Over the past couple of weeks, we've been drinking cold
syrup before the show. I'm sorry. We've been encouraging you
to send questions you've always wanted to ask.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
I haven't been drinking night quil before the show anyway.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
We wanted you to send questions that you've always wanted
to ask by a Twitter. Well, tonight I answer those
questions in a segment we call Hey, it's gonna be uh.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
I'm sorry, I thought we were doing a round table.
We have a seat, John sure, I thought, Okay, what's
this all about. I'm just gonna.
Speaker 4 (14:53):
People want answer, Stewart, I.
Speaker 2 (14:59):
Know that's I'm happy to give them and we're gonna prove.
Speaker 4 (15:02):
It that benefits. Babe wants to know who was your
favorite guest of all time?
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Oh uh, Jimmy Carter. Uh. President mccarnter, because usually he's
drunk and right afterwards he's always.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Like, can we go look for horse? So it's like
that's always.
Speaker 4 (15:21):
Okay, Okay, you think this is funny. You think it's funny,
don't you, mister chuckles?
Speaker 8 (15:27):
You know, Jordan, I I didn't want to do this.
Speaker 4 (15:29):
I'm sure you didn't, but I have to.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
I didn't want to necessarily. Jesus, what is what are
you doing? No, Hassan, don't, don't, don't do that.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Oh God, Hassan, No, not in the night?
Speaker 4 (15:40):
And fork, what is that?
Speaker 10 (15:41):
Didn he knows, No, Hassan, Just just please, it's fine.
Speaker 1 (15:44):
My favorite guest are my friends.
Speaker 2 (15:46):
I get to not work around them for five minutes
and it's an honor to sit across people. Also like
Malala Desmond too too. Jimmy Carter. Just put put the
colory down.
Speaker 4 (15:53):
Just seed it with your okay, see say was that
so hard?
Speaker 3 (15:57):
No?
Speaker 1 (15:58):
Look, just spit it out.
Speaker 4 (16:01):
Can we focus toward can we focus? Let hidigestion? However,
he was all right.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
I just saw it.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
You know, Look it is still pizza.
Speaker 4 (16:11):
Twitter was to know now at life is desire? Asked,
what is written on the blue papers?
Speaker 1 (16:16):
You scribble it?
Speaker 8 (16:18):
I've always wanted to know that one.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
It's not like I've been writing a novel, one sentence
a day for sixteen years about the struggles of a
female blacksmith working in a male dominated professions.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
He's doing jokes.
Speaker 8 (16:34):
If I wanted jokes, I would have asked someone funnier.
Speaker 1 (16:38):
That's gating a little bit.
Speaker 4 (16:39):
That's you know, Uh, God, forgive me for what I
am about to do.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Don't do this.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
What are you gonna do?
Speaker 9 (16:47):
Frank got me?
Speaker 4 (16:48):
Suit you No, I'm terrible.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
I can't watch anymore, and neither cood people. And we're
supposed to pay money for that?
Speaker 3 (17:10):
Is that?
Speaker 4 (17:10):
Is that your intent to look desperate and said, I
mean you are terrible. I can't act.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
Look, the blue papers are a script. I'm just scribbling
on them. I get bored.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
I can't smoke anymore, so I scribble or I doodle
the same cartoons over and over again.
Speaker 3 (17:23):
That's what I got.
Speaker 4 (17:24):
God, I want to see that cartoon. I want to
see that's so bad show me that this is.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
What I actually did.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
All right, So what I normally do is I draw
just a round headed drunk guy like that, or I
draw me when I was in college.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
That's ah, that's a jewfro.
Speaker 4 (17:46):
I mean, that's pretty good. I'm not gonna lie. That's
pretty good.
Speaker 8 (17:50):
But but at Sam put simply he wants to know,
is there an algorithm for what cities go on the
globe ticker every show?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
But no, there's no algorithm.
Speaker 1 (17:59):
I dont know what you're talking.
Speaker 4 (18:00):
There's not wouldn't make us do this, Stewart. Look, we've
got a guitar, a pair of terrible voices, and we
like making up our own lyrics to Born to.
Speaker 10 (18:07):
Run and Bruce Brison, I was born baby, all right.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
To Chuck O'Neill, our director, Chuck O'Neill.
Speaker 2 (18:16):
He chooses the cities based on a team like places
in famous zoos, our countries in the World Cup semifinals.
We think it is a fun game the viewers can
play at home.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
I'm sorry, that's all it is.
Speaker 8 (18:23):
Okay, good, that's fine, right, that's fine, all right? But
one last thing, all right, all right? At L ninety nine,
Blood wants to know Mary shag or Kill, Larry Wilmore,
John Oliver, Stephen Colbert.
Speaker 2 (18:38):
Look, guys, these are my friends. I'm not going to
drive a wedge between U saying which one I would
marry kill.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Let's not.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Let's just some things their best left unset under this, Stewart,
I hope let's not worry about this type of what
is that?
Speaker 1 (18:55):
You know what this is?
Speaker 4 (18:57):
You know what this is, Stuart.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
I think that's a and Piers to be an Arby's enema.
Speaker 4 (19:01):
Yeah right, that's exactly what it is.
Speaker 8 (19:03):
And if you don't start talking, we're gonna make you
eat it instead.
Speaker 10 (19:08):
Come on, fine, every one of them, every single one
of them, in every position, and everyone in the house,
and then I would make the breakfast in the morning, and.
Speaker 4 (19:20):
Then he would oh, hey, hey who and I would
know my hey, hey, hey hey.
Speaker 7 (19:33):
Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
searching The Daily Show wherever you get your podcast.
Speaker 4 (19:39):
Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
on Comedy Central, and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plucks.
Speaker 1 (19:49):
This has been a Comedy Central podcast
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