The Daily Showography of Chris Cuomo

The Daily Show traces Chris Cuomo's career as a chest-thumping news bro and highlights the aftermath of his bout with COVID-19 and his ethically dubious advisory role to his brother Andrew.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central. What makes a great journalist Curiosity, persistence,
ignoring your parents when they tell you not to major
in communications. Or is the greatest journalist one who simply
knows that he's the greatest and is willing to throw
down with anyone who disagrees. You're not better than me.

(00:23):
You think you're better than me, that's a mistake. This
is the daily shoography of Chris Cuomo, epic news bro
Christopher Charles Cuomo was born in Queens, New York, to
an immigrant family with a boundless appetite for pasta and politics.

(00:44):
That's my pap Mario Cuomo, former governor of New York.
He spoke for years about his Italian heritage and the
struggle to make it here that led to not one,
but two men holding the highest seat in the greatest state.
The Cuomo has left their tiny villages up in the
hills and came down to the Tyrannian Sea. But when
they looked out, they didn't just see open water, they

(01:06):
saw their future America. Oh, someone's been doing their duo lingo.
Chris was a child of the city. He graduated from
the School of Hard Knocks and got a law degree
on the mean streets of Manhattan. Chris could have used
his family name to go into politics, but that wasn't
his style. Instead, he used his family name to go

(01:28):
into TV news. His old man was heartbroken when he
went into journalism. Well sucks for you, dad, because little
Chris was going to journalism harder than any journalist had
ever journalisted before. I am here at the one and
only the Grand Canyon. This is the largest protective marina

(01:51):
area in the world where you can see these flames.
They're up to a thousand degrees coming at us. Now
it looks cooler than I do right now. Nobody epic.
Did Woodward and Bernstein ever bungee jump off a skyscraper?
How think so? But Cuomo dreamed of being more than
just the evil kinneval of al Rokers. He wanted to

(02:11):
do something important, so in he wiped down his equipment
at Good Morning America and moved to CNN, where he
was soon given his own primetime show, a prize he
earned through talent and hard work, the same way any
other member of a powerful political family would have. And
it was there that he perfected the greatest skill a

(02:32):
news broke and have bullying people like a coach on
the Biggest Loser. I want to read. I know you
don't get the company off. It's my show, but just listen.
You'll never drown me out, brother, because my show and
I'm loud as hell, especially when I'm righteous. You tell
me how a president has got time for this bullshit?
Are you kidding me? Sad? What tors? What happened to me?

(02:53):
I'm a sella, you are a seller. You are telling
me that I'm I'm talking about the president, the one
who called you a law the one who said your wife. Honestly,
you sound like an idiot. So there's not much to say,
but Tony, good luck with it. You damn Chris Cuomo
show has more beef than his Keto diet. Chris had
reached the mountaintop, but he was still missing one thing.

(03:15):
Every serious journalist needs a catchphrase. Edward R. Murrow had
good night and good luck, Walter Cronkite had and that's
the way it is. Matt Lower had, don't try to leave.
I'm the only one who can unlock the door, And
pretty soon Chris Cuomo had his Welcome to prime time.
We need to be real about where things stand. So

(03:39):
let's get after it. Let's get after it. Let's get
to the truth and call it out. Let's get after it.
Let's get after it. You and me together as ever
as one. What do you say? Let's get after Let's
get after it. Despite being a cable news host, Cuomo
had a catchphrase that sounds like something Rambo would say

(04:00):
before chopping someone's head off. And it wasn't only news
he was getting after it was life. The bad boy
of CNN became best Bros with his colleagues and spent
his off hours just as epically making fun and sometimes
shirtless TikTok's with his kids, partying with the cream of

(04:20):
the B list, and never missing his highly instagrammable daily workout.
The grind is the only glory. That's what let's get
after it is. And if getting after it meant reportedly
crashing his classic convertible while drag racing and then fleeing
the scene, well, sometimes you just have to flex on
the haters. But Cuomo couldn't deny his passion any more

(04:42):
than he could deny the hot olive oil running through
his veins. It's his birthright, his heritage. Oh has he
mentioned that he's Italian. I'm Italian on both sides. For
as far back as I could trace. Italian handsomeness is
repundant by your good looks and your heritage. You're having
Italian Italian bought in you. I was doing what I
do for my family, which is make my mother's sauce.

(05:04):
She taught me how to make the sauce. It's a
term of endearment in Italian circles to be the meat ball.
It's abaccc the kiss of all kisses. Absolutely here is
the boss of copy right, and it's always good to
have another Italian. Oh, I'm agreed. Now that's an awkward meatball.

(05:24):
But as the saying goes Italian pride go. If before
the fall Fredo Gate, a video of see An anchor
Chris Bomo losing a school, a heckler called him Fredo
goes viral. I thought, I thought that as pictures from
the right called me Fredo, my name is Chris Cuomo.
I'm an anchor. Fredo was from the Godfather. There was
a weak brother, isn't that? And then he was as

(05:46):
an Italian aspersion. Any Italian an insult your people, it's
an insult of people. It's like the N word for us.
So there's a cool thing. Said, Hey, say you're gonna
have a look, what are you doin all about I'll
conrec yours. Stop, I'll throw you down these stairs. Chris

(06:10):
stood his ground against Italian stereotyping by threatening to throw
a man down the stairs. And he let it be known.
You use a mafia movie cliche around him, you get
a wind up with a horse, said you in bed
my own. Things were going great for Chris Cuomo, but
then he met the one foe who could throw him
down the stairs to his basement COVID nineteen. We start

(06:34):
tonight with an acknowledgement of who's not here at the
top of this program most every night, it's Chris Cuomo.
He's now at home, having contracted COVID nineteen. Obviously, he
joins us, now, Chris, for how are you feeling? How
are you doing? Fellas um doing better than I deserve.
I know I have a fever. I know I'm gonna
have a fever tonight. I know the beast comes at night.
I know the night's gonna suck. I know I'm not
going to sleep through the night. And that's how it

(06:56):
is man. And then tomorrow, you know, you get after
it again, and that's the way you gotta be. Yes,
this sick bro was sick bro. But even COVID couldn't
stop Chris from getting after it, and he used his
firsthand experience to edify his audience. Now, what I've also
learned is there are so much bs on the internet

(07:16):
that people are trying to peddle as cures, fake pills,
fake tonics. Vitamin C, vitamin D are a great supplements
to have, but ten twenty thou units they want you
to take to this. There's no proof in any of them,
and I think we have to be very careful about
people praying on desperation. You tell him, nobody's gonna hawk
unproven new hbs while Chris Cuomo is on the job.

(07:39):
My wife is a wellness person. You know, she runs
this business where she's learning about homeopathic and all these
different things. So she's given me a ton of stuff.
I don't even ask what it is. Chris Cuomo's wife, Christina,
who along with her husband, contracted COVID nineteen, says she's
been taking bleach baths. So our whole effort was to
build back his immune system. Most importantly, it was the

(08:02):
good foods and and the herbs, the oxygenated herbs, and
the homeopathy and obviously the vitamins were really critical for this. Obviously,
I mean, this wasn't just homeopathic medicine. It was chroomeopathic medicine.
Chromeopathic medicine, also not based at all in science. Chris
proved how tough he is by surviving COVID and his

(08:24):
wife's attempts to murder him, and as COVID continued to
ravage the state of New York, Chris pulled the ultimate
bro move and called in support from his actual bro,
New York Governor and mannequin assembled out of cold cuts,
Andrew Cuomo. Andrew Cuomo, of course, my brother. Thank you
for coming back to the show. Mom told me I
had to. Yeah, I called Mom. She said I was

(08:47):
her favorite. This is the normal swab I'm holding up
here now and for everybody at home. Is it true
that this was this swab that the nurse was actually
using on you. I've tried to be like you my
whole life. Look where it got me. Governor Andrew Cuomo,
thank you very much for doing the job with all

(09:07):
of this adulation that you're getting for doing your job?
Are you thinking about running for president? It's true that
despite tens of thousands of deaths on his watch and
a cover up of the numbers, some credulous people were
giving Andrew Cuomo a lot of adulation. But should the
governor's own brother have been using his position on CNN
to contribute to his idolization. Of course he should have.

(09:29):
For one thing, Andrew reportedly had been secretly helping Chris
get special treatment, and it would have just been rude
not to return the favor. But even more important is
a little thing called the bro code. Chris would never
turn on his big brother, which became very clear when
something happened that caused literally everyone else in the country
to turn on Chris's big brother. New York Governor Andrew

(09:52):
Cuomo has given up his fight to hold onto office,
facing serious allegations of sexual misconduct and harassment of the workplace.
Cuomo announced today that he will be resigning from office.
New York's Attorney general uncovered new evidence of Chris Cuomo's
involvement in helping his older brother. In February, the CNN
host emailed a draft statement of denial to a top

(10:14):
aide to his brother with such lines as I never
intended to offend anyone, and my interactions may have been
insensitive or too personal, which is precisely what the governor
statement said. The a G also confirmed that Chris Cuomo
joined strategy calls with his brother and top officials. CNN
called those efforts inappropriate, but took no action like you,
I bet. My family means everything to me, and I

(10:38):
am fiercely loyal to them. I'm family first, job second.
I can be objective about just about any topic, but
not about my family. It's just like that old saying
bros Before ethics. It took real strength of character for
Chris to admit he couldn't be objective about stuff he

(10:59):
had been covering the entire year. But what choice did
he have. His brother was in trouble, big trouble, the
kind of trouble where you ask Chris Cuomo for advice.
Chris urged his brother to tough it out, but in
the end Andrew folded like a slice of New York pizza.
There were calls for Chris to resign too, but that's
just not who he is. Chris Cuomo gets after it,

(11:22):
whether it is ratings or fame or abs or avoiding
accountability going through. No matter what happens, you can't stop
this feast because he is Chris Mother Fredo Cuomo, Epic
News Pro The Daily Show with Trevor no Ears Edition.

(11:47):
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