December 3, 2021 • 32 mins
Right-wing conspiracy theories arise about the COVID-19 Omicron variant, the Supreme Court appears poised to undo Roe v. Wade, and a labor dispute rocks Major League Baseball.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're listening to Comedy Central. But most of the world
has been fighting with various COVID variants, which are all
more efficient than the O G from Muhan. We had alpha,
we had lambda, delta. You know, COVID basically turned the
(00:22):
planet into the shittiest freat house of all time. But
just when we thought we had it all figured out,
last week's scientists in South Africa announced that they discovered
a new variant, and what they saw is freaking people out.
Scientists are raising to learn more about a new COVID variant,
already setting up alarm bells around the world. According to
South African scientists, the omicron variant has more than fifty
(00:46):
mutations and is likely to be more transmissible, but has
a bunch of mutations, a disturbingly large number of mutations
in the spike protein, which is the business end of
the virus. The COVID nineteen vaccines target the spike protein.
If the spike changes too much and in the wrong way,
it could make the vaccines less effective. The president of
(01:07):
Maderna said yesterday, what's most scary about this virus is
it has managed to put all of its greatest hits
into one variant. Yes, it's all the greatest hits in
one place, like if Mama Mia killed you instead of
teaching you about the power of love. And what's so
scary about this thing is all the mutations to the
(01:29):
virus spike protein, because the spike protein is how the
virus penetrates ourselves. It's basically COVID's dick, and a mutated
dick is never a good thing. Yeah, there's no Hallmark
cards that's say congratulations on your mutated dick. But hey,
I'm no experts. So to get us a more informed perspective,
I sent Roy Would Jr. Out to CDC headquarters in Atlanta,
(01:50):
and Roy, I know you're standing by right now. What
can you tell us? Weever, the omicron variant is the
twelfth variant of COVID and the fifth variant of SIR
now spreading in the twenty month of the global pandemic.
I've been talking to the top scientists at the CDC
and everyone seems to agree, come on, man, just just stop,
(02:13):
just stop, man, jill Man, just bury it after vary
it after bury it. Just damn uh got to stop. Bro.
I'm sorry, this is what the scientists are saying. Oh, no,
of course not. I'm paraphrasing Trevor. The actual scientific consensus
(02:33):
on the omicron is gotch ship. I gotta cancel this
damn vacation. I pushed it back to three times to St.
John's I want to go. Then ain't gonna shut everything down.
Then the next thing you know, you're gonna have strange
people delivering your food, and you gotta wonder whether or
not they've been eating some of your Frisch fries. And
then I gotta be cooped up with the boy. And
I got a home school and figured out which button
(02:55):
is the zoo button? Wow? To put the homework on
the printer that has no eat. Then that's just another
whole last day. And then I'm weird. Were the two
bedroom apartment. It's three of us. It's it's just not
enough space. I can hear her phone calls through the wall.
I can hear him playing the Nintendo switch. I'm trying
to be on a comfort call. And God forbid to
actually get a little bit of silence in this house
so I can enjoy my PlayStation that I set online
(03:17):
but inside from Monday to buy. I actually got a
goddamn PlayStation that I can't even play now because everybody's
gonna be in the house because you can't play violent
video games around the boy. We don't want him learning
about fol But what other games are there to play
on a PlayStation other than violent games. You have to
pretend violence in this country to keep from doing violence
(03:39):
in real life. And that I think that's what she
doesn't understand. She doesn't understand that that's what the video
games do for me. And I just think if I
just had her just a third bedroom, a third bedroom, alright,
that's all we need is the third bedroom, and that
would give me the space that I need. I think
we would have to move uptown. And that's too far.
And then thank you, thank you, trained brand, and everybody's
(04:02):
got ocron, all right, Thank you so much, Roy, Thank
you so much, Roy. Thank you for keeping us updated
on on your developments. Thank you so much for that. Now, Look,
I understand the frustration of facing yet another new variant.
I mean, how did that happen after everything we did,
I mean for two years now, people, we wore masques
for some of the time, with social distanced when it
(04:25):
was convenient. Then like half of us got vaccinated. What
more is it? Gonna take. But at the same time,
we shouldn't panic because this variant was just discovered. So
there's still a ton that we don't know about it.
We don't know how long it's been around. We don't
know if it causes more severe illness, we don't know
if it can evade our vaccines. We know less about
this variant. Then your grandmother knows about Jojo Siwa and
(04:45):
she just knows. She's scared. That's it. And it could
very well be that all these mutations that sounds so
scary turned out to not be that big a deal.
You know, like when Apple acts like it's making tons
of changes with the iPhone and then we're like, how
did a new iPhone? I didn't know iPhone? Then you
get it and you're like, wait, it's just a slightly
different camera. I killed a man in line for this thing.
(05:07):
So right now, basically all we know about this strain
is that it's called ome Crown. That's all we know,
And even the name of the virus has a complicated story.
World Health Organization panel has just named the strain O
macron and classified it as a variant of concern. The
World Health Organization named this verian omicron instead of the
next letters in the Greek alphabet new or G. In
(05:28):
a statement to the Associated Press, they said they skipped
new because it sounds like the word new, and that
G is a common last name. Yes, it's true. G
is a very common last name, particularly among Chinese authoritarian leaders.
I see you who literally shows you the cloud that
China has man because the World Health Organization is like, oh,
(05:51):
we don't want to offend one guy in China. Meanwhile,
grease is over here like what you stole our whole alphabet, Malacca.
And it has been interesting to see how sensitive the
scientific community has become about naming COVID variants, right because
back in the day, you realized, back in the day,
nobody cared like nobody cared about naming diseases. Doctors would
even name diseases after themselves. I discovered a disease that
(06:13):
this toys the mind, making you slowly forget your life
onto the people that you love once. Whenever people get
this disease, I vant them thinking, oh yeah, boy, yeah,
that they will never forget me. I means they might forget,
but yeah, you know what I'm saying. It's got me
quite cool. But the good news about them skipping those
letters is that that means we're almost halfway to Omega now,
(06:36):
which is the last letter of the Greek alphabet, and
that means once COVID reaches the end of the alphabet,
it can't make any more variance. People, that's just science.
We did it, baby. Yeah. Now. The truth is that
so far, there are some encouraging signs that O macron
may only be causing mild symptoms in the people who
have it, although experts say it will take at least
(06:57):
a couple of weeks before we really under stand what
the strain can do. But the world isn't waiting to
find out. Governments are moving quickly tonight to limit travel
into their countries in an attempt to slow the spread
of the new COVID variant called O macron. Overnight, the
United States banned entry for non citizen travelers from South
Africa and seven neighboring countries. At least forty four other
(07:20):
countries are also imposing travel restrictions. I took immediate steps
to restrict travel from countries in Southern Africa. But while
we have that travel restrictions can slow the speed of omnicron,
it cannot prevent it. But here's what it does. It
gives us time. Gives us time to take more actions,
to move quicker, to make sure people understand you have
(07:45):
to get your vaccine, you have to get the shot. Yes,
if you give America just a couple more weeks, surely
all the anti vactors will finally come around and get
their shots. Bless your heart, Joe, No, for real. I mean, honestly,
when the US is coming from on this right, if
you can slow down the spread of omicron even a
little bit, then you have time to research it. You
(08:07):
have time to work on new vaccines, and you have
time to consult with Joe Rogan on a treatment plan.
I mean, hey, maybe this time he'll say vaccines. You
don't know. So a lot of people support this travel ban,
although Republicans on giving Biden any credit for taking a
tough stance. In fact, today Texas Governor Greg Abbott he
tweeted that while Biden is banning travel from South Africa,
(08:28):
he's doing nothing to stop South Africans from crossing the
southern border illegally. And you know, Greg Abbott has a
very good point here. Every day, millions of South Africans
walk across the Atlantic Ocean to cross the border. I mean,
why did I book a flight? I could have just
hits the ride. What is this? This is the biggest
(08:51):
lot of bullshit ever. And look props to the governor
of Texas for being able to turn literally any story
into a complaint about the border. Everyone's watching where noticed
on Netflix when what they should be doing is watching
our southern border. Now, you guys may not know this
about me, but I too, am a South African. Relax. Relax,
everyone in the student Relax. I do not have the variant.
(09:13):
I think the o g one. And as a South
African who does not have the variant, I think this
travel ban is total bullshit. I really do. I mean,
first of all, COVID is a hoax. We can't agree
on that, right No. But for the second of all,
ohmcrown has already been found in over a dozen countries,
a dozen countries around the world. Right. We don't know
(09:36):
where it started, we don't know how long it's been around.
It's everywhere from Hong Kong to Israel to Spain. So
why aren't you banning travel from all of those countries too? Huh?
Only the African countries. What's the difference between the African country. Uh,
I still don't get the logic. What you think, oh,
Macron is is gonna get to Europe and then just
(09:56):
decide to stay there. I was going to spread to America,
but I simply cannot leave the beauty of Barcelona. And look,
I mean, maybe America is buying itself a couple of
weeks before it gets overrun with only crown. But don't forget.
Don't forget about the cost of this action too, because
you do realize that other countries are paying attention, and
they realize that if they're gonna get punished for telling
(10:17):
the world about new variants, they're gonna stop telling the
world whenever their scientists discover new variants. I'm just saying,
don't be surprised when the next variant pops up in
Europe and Italian scientists come out acting like nothing is wrong,
Everything is a fine, This is a just that how
you say, a thick challenge. But that's where we are
right now. There's a new coronavirus that we don't know
(10:40):
anything about. And because of that, I can't go home
to my uncle's baby shower, and man, I really wanted
to go. You don't see your uncle get showered by
babies much. As of now, it looks like it's going
to still be a couple of weeks before we know
more about the omikron strain, things like does it spread foster,
(11:04):
doesn't make you sick of? And is it available as
an n f T. But over in Mega world, oh,
they seem to already have figured it all out. The
emergence of the new COVID variant is sparking a fresh
round of conspiracy theories. Former White House doctor turned MAGA
Congressman Ronnie Jackson tweeted, quote, here comes the MTV, the
(11:24):
mid term election variant. They need a reason to push
unsolicited nationwide mail in ballots. Democrats will do anything to
cheat during election, but we're not going to let them.
It defies logic and listen here. Unfortunately, it's not just
Ronnie Jackson. If it was just Congressman Jackson or Dr Jackson,
we could call him out. But he's getting help on
you know where it's always a new variant, and you
(11:45):
can always count on a variant about every October every
few years. You know, you're probably right. However, they could
speed up the variants can come more quickly, and we're
gonna need a New Years Okay, okay, just so, just
so I've got the straights. According to this conspiracy, the
Democrats big plan is to intentionally never solve the one
(12:08):
problem that is ruining everyone's life. That is such a
dumb ass strategy to win an election, which makes me
think maybe the Democrats actually did come up with it.
I mean, you realize for this to be true, the
Democrats would have had to coordinate on this lie with
the World Health Organization and South African scientists and governments
(12:29):
across Europe. You're serious, people, You know the Democrats can't
coordinate ships or I think Democrats can coordinate as their
cante clots. And it's bad enough to hear this from
a congressman, but what's crazy is that before he was
in Congress, people forget Ronnie Jackson was the president's doctor.
The president's doctor and not just Trump's doctor, by the way,
Obama's doctor too. Yeah, that guy. This just shows you
(12:54):
how bad America's health care system. Even the President was like,
you're telling me that he's the only doctor in my network.
I mean, seriously, it's amazing that Obama and Trump actually
survived one of them, sneezes. And Ronnie Jackson is like,
you've got to realign your electrons quick, so allow as
many magnets as possible. And by the way of all
the shows, how does Fox and Friends not understand what
(13:14):
new variants are? Every four months, Fox and Friends has
two totally different dudes and one new woman saying the
same bullshit from the same couch. I mean, if that
isn't a new variant, I don't know what is. Hey,
but whatever, man, I guess the Democrats, in coordination with
scientists in South Africa, Europe, Israel all over, are simply
pretending there's a new Corona variant out there. That's what
they're doing. Yeah, and they're not only doing it to
(13:35):
justify male in voting. No, no, no, it's also because
they're really horny for lockdowns. Church. If they keep testing
for different strains of coronavirus, we're going to be locked
down for the rest of our existence. I am you know,
I had cancer. My oncologist is a specialist in bone cancer,
and he, you know, every oncologist who deals with bone
(13:56):
cancer identifies hundreds of coronavirus ruses inside of our bones.
They've created a problem that can never actually be solved
so they can justify whatever it is they want to do.
I'm sorry, what your bones are riddled with coronavirus? Quick, lady,
you need to swallow these magnets. Now. What I think
(14:19):
Laura Logan was saying there is that we'll never stop
finding new coronavirus variants when they test us because our
bones are full of them. And and look, this sounded
wrong to me, but I'm not a bone doctor. I
mean I am, But so we called a top oncologist
just to make sure that we were right. And we
(14:41):
were like, hey, weird question, But if you crack open
a bone, do hundreds of coronaviruses fly out? And she
was like no, And also, why is everyone asking me
this question today? So no, people, bones are not filled
with coronaviruses? All right, they're fooled with milke? Can we
(15:01):
call it back? And asked what bones are filled with?
But according to Fox Now, Democrats are going to force
everyone into endless lockdowns. That's the plan. And the worst
part is if Trump westl in office, this variance, which
doesn't even exist, would already be defeated. Covid is becoming endemic.
It is going to continue to mutate, it's going to
(15:21):
continue to evolve. It's all around planet Earth. If President
Trump was still in office, by the way, we'd already
have modified vaccines to deal with the new variants, which
is a great point. Okay, First of all, Stephen Miller,
if President Trump was still in office, if someone is
not a true believer, JFK Jr. Will be so disappointed
(15:43):
when he hears about this one. I mean, the idea
that Donald Trump would have quickly handled a COVID variant
is by far the least believable ship I have ever heard.
You're gonna act like we all don't know this man.
There's no way he would have handled it. First of all,
he would have spent four months denying there was even
a new variant, and then he would have wasted six
more months saying that the vaccines were on their way,
but then also, don't worry about it because it's not
(16:05):
gonna hurt anybody, but also the vaccines are coming. And
then he would have gotten on the cron himself. And
then he would have been like, I'm Akron Israel, folks,
gnally real, and I beat it. I clady chapter show what.
I destroyed it and now it credit gred to me.
It's it trip where you do you mean? Baby hard?
And I beat it, so now it's over. Congratulations to all,
(16:28):
even the haters and the losers. I mean, you can't
have a vaccine for a new variant a few days
after you discover the varying people. It's impossible. The only
way you could do that is if you had a
time machine. And we all know if Trump had a
time machine, he wouldn't use it for that. He'd go
back in time to hang baby Mike Pence. I'm just kidding.
(16:51):
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. He'd probably used it
to warn himself not to have that affair with Stormy Daniels,
but then he'd get to Horny and end up having
a threesome with himself, and Stormy Daniels is so great.
There are fine people on both sides, very fan people. Now, Look,
anyone whose brain hasn't been rottsed from Fox and Facebook
(17:11):
knows that everything these people are saying is bullshit. Armcron
is a real variant with real mutations and real spikes
on its real proteins and ship. That's how it works.
Democrats are just trying to keep the pandemic going to
stay in power. And the best way you can tell
that is that a year ago mago Wald was pushing
(17:31):
the exact opposite conspiracy. If it ends up that Biden
wins in November, I guarantee you the week after the election,
suddenly all those democratic governors, all those Democratic mayors, will
say everything is magically better. Go back to work, go
back to school. Suddenly the problems are solving. You'll milk
it every single day between now and November three. And
guess what after November three, coronavirus will magically, all of
(17:55):
a sudden go away and disappear, and everybody will be
able to reopen. That's all you turn on television. COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID,
COVERD COVID by the way, or November four, you wan't
hear about it anyway, So COVID, co COVID, go. This
(18:15):
dude was president and he's gonna be president again. Ah now,
to be fair, to be fair, for a while after
the election, we did hear less about COVID, mostly because
the news was about Donald Trump trying to overthrow the country.
But this really shows you how drastically mega people have
changed their conspiracies about COVID over time. I mean you
(18:38):
might even say they had to mutate their propaganda so
that I could keep spreading in a new environment. I
wonder if there's a medical parallel to the way these
talking points are adapting over time. No abortion has been
(19:00):
a constitutional rights in the United States ever since the
Supreme Court decided a Roe v. Wade nearly half a
century ago. But based on what happened at the Supreme
Court today, it seems like it won't be a right
for much longer. The Fox tows a learned oral arguments
in a landmark abortion case wrapping up at the Supreme
Court after nearly two hours the hearing, setting up a
(19:20):
decision by the High Court, now with the sixty three
conservative majority, that could change abortion laws across the country.
Hundreds of protesters from both sides of the issue gathered
outside of the Supreme Court. The stakes could not be higher.
Ro versus Wade is on the line as the Justice
is considered a law from Mississippi that would ban almost
all abortions after fifteen weeks of pregnancy. After today's arguments
(19:44):
over abortion, it appears abortion rights in America as they
stand right now are in grave danger. After two hours
of questioning, the general consensus among legal experts is that
there are at least five votes to uphold Mississippi's ban
on abortion after or fifteen weeks of pregnancy, and possibly
as many votes to overturn a federal right to an
(20:06):
abortion altogether. Who boy. Based on the oral arguments in
the Supreme Court today, it looks very likely that Roe v.
Wade will soon be overturned. And you know, when you
think about it, it it is wild. It's wild to the
United States takes such a step backwards in women's rights.
It's almost like the US invaded Afghanistan to defeat the
(20:26):
Taliban and then came back to the US like, actually,
those guys have some pretty good ideas. And now the
truth is, the truth is that this is the culmination
of a fifty year plan for the conservative movement to
reshape the courts for this very purpose. And say what
you want about it, but you've got to admit, man,
the conservative movement is just that dedicated to protecting life.
(20:47):
I mean not protecting life from coronavirus or school shootings
or from a lack of healthcare or climate change, or
poverty or homelessness or and I know, I know, I
know there are guys out there right now saying, well,
you know what, tough luck, ladies, but this doesn't affect me. Well,
first of all, you're gonna see it affect your bank
account when you're paying child support for eighteen years. And secondly,
(21:09):
you guys clearly don't see what's happening here. Yeah, because
first first they said a baby is only a baby
when it comes out of the vagina. Then they said
it's a baby when it's viable outside of the womb.
Right now, you've got people arguing that if there's any
electrical signal, it counts as a heartbeat. You realize what's
coming up next, right at some point they're gonna be like, Okay,
(21:30):
we decided that sperm is babies, so you can't check
off anymore. Were like, what, but what if I ever
went dream? Then your ass is going to jail. And
now you're in your dreams trying to get your high
school teacher to put her shirt back on. No, Mrs Patterson,
please please, I can't do hard time. Please get dressed.
I'm kidding, of course I'm kidding. Obviously, nobody's ever going
to regulate what men can do with their bud. He's
(21:51):
come down everybody. Now, look, we don't know for sure
what the ruling will be at, and we won't find
out until next year. But you can't tell a lot
about where the justices stand based on what kind of
arguments they made. For example, Justice Brett Kavanaugh, Trump appointee
and guy at the bar who insists he's totally finds
a drive. Well, he emphasized the view that overturning the
(22:15):
right to abortion would actually be the neutral position because
it is neither pro life nor pro choice, but simply
leaves the issue up to the states. And I have
to admit, guys, that argument actually makes a lot of sense,
Like why should there be one abortion law for the
entire country when people in Alabama and people in California
(22:37):
have very different views on this, so maybe it should
be different in different states, although when you think about it,
there are also differences in different parts of each state.
So really the law should be like by county, you
know what I mean? That would be better. They should
say like red counties in a blue state can ban abortion,
but blue counties in a red state can allow abortion.
(22:58):
I mean that that seems fair right up to the states,
but make it up to the counties. Well except actually,
sometimes you have urban and rural areas sharing a county,
so maybe it should be at the level of the
city or the town. Yeah no, wait, what if each house,
Oh yes, each house, each house could have its own rule. Yeah,
this makes sense right because the neighbors, they don't always
agree with each other, but in the house, within the house,
(23:21):
people have different opinions. You know what, what if each
person made their own rule, Like each person could decide
for themselves what they could do with their own ship.
People are figured it out. You know, get me a
taxing to the Supreme Court. You know, get me a
taxed me to the bar next to the Supreme Court.
I want to tell for justice having or something. Yeah, man,
this is amazing. O Micron the worst transformer ever. So
(23:46):
it was a car and then it became a virus. Yesterday,
the first case was identified right here in the United States,
and it didn't take long for the sequel to come out.
We do begin this hour with breaking news on the pandemic.
The second confirmed case of O macron variant in the
United States has just been confirmed, this one in Minnesota.
We don't know much about the patient yet, except that
(24:07):
they had only traveled domestically. Health officials say that the
man developed mild symptoms on November after going to an
anime convention in New York City. Fifty three thousand people
attended that event between November and one when now the
city wants those attendees to get a COVID test immediately,
where face masks and practice social distancing until they get
(24:30):
their test results back. That's right, one of the first
US cases of the new COVID variant. Maybe an adult
man who attended an anime convention, I mean, which is good.
At least we know that it's not transmitted via eye contact. No,
but I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I love animey, honestly I do.
In fact, when I heard about this, I wondered if
the guy got infected in anime style. It's over crown.
(24:54):
It's power and stronger than any other variant I've ever seen.
It's got so many spikes. I should gotten a booster shot.
If I don't breathe, maybe I can survive my son.
But people, please remember this, Please remember this. We shouldn't
be surprised when we find more and more cases. Okay,
(25:17):
because onlycron is like those microscopic bugs that live in
your eyelashes. Even if you don't see them, you know
that they're there. Ye laughing at you about all the
spiders that crawl into your mouth while you sleep. And also,
don't forget don't forget this. We have no idea if
onlycron is actually that bad. And what I mean by
that is, we don't know if it might spread more easily,
(25:38):
or you know, if we don't know if it will
be more deadly. It's it's just too early to know.
And I hate to sound like someone describing every streaming
show right now, but you've gotta stick with it past
the first couple of weeks and see where it goes,
you know. But anyway, let's move on from COVID to
America's other national past time, baseball, the only sports you
can think about to yourself to stop from orgasm. Ng. Yeah, sorry, hockey,
(26:01):
you're too sexy. In some ways, being a baseball player
is unlike any other job in the world. I mean,
for one thing, if your entire office got into a brawl,
you wouldn't go back to work five minutes later like
nothing happened. But also, being a baseball player is still
a job, which means that sometimes they get into disagreements
with their bosses. And now one of those disagreements has
(26:23):
shut down the entire league. Breaking news from the world
of sports overnight. For the first time in more than
twenty five years, Major League Baseball is now in a
work stoppage, owners locking out players after months of failed
talks towards a new labor contract. The biggest economic issues
right now between MLB and the union had to do
with when players become free agents and how much they
(26:45):
get paid, players association once young stars to get paid sooner,
and not being restricted to teams for the first six
years of their career. Now the lockout breases all league business.
Its own agreement is reached. That means no trades, no
more free agents, minings, and no players are allowed inside
club facilities. And if you go to MLB dot com
(27:05):
or your favorite team's website, you're gonna notice all images
and videos of players have been completely removed. They took
all the players photos off the MLB websites. You know
who's feeling great about this right now? Yeah, anyone who
collects baseball cards. Well, well, well, you guys said there
(27:25):
was no reason for me to have a photo of
Albert pooh Halls, But now I'm the only guy who
knows what he looks like. Ha ha ha. At the
same time, though, this is all happening in the off season,
so there's plenty of time for them to work out
their differences before the season starts. You know, there's like
a haunted house owner getting tough with the employees in July.
It doesn't really matter, and you know they're gonna work
(27:46):
something else because both sides need each other. Like the MLB,
they can't go out and hire regular people. Well show
how that turned out with fifty cents and baseball players.
They have no skills that translate to other jobs. Yeah,
I'm looking for a position where I can stand around
doing nothing for most of the day, but then every
twenty minutes something comes at my head really fast. Also,
(28:09):
I want to be able to slap anyone's ass whenever
I like. Before we go, please consider supporting Choose Love.
They work to provide refugees and displace people with everything
from life saving search and rescue boats to food and
even legal advice. At the link below. You can go
to the Choose Love store and buy essential emergency items
and services for the refugees who need them. Everything diapers,
(28:31):
hot meals, medical services, and so much more. So. If
you'd like to support Choose Love, then please check out
the link below. What's the Daily Show weeknights at eleven
ten Central arn Comedy Central In stream food episodes anytime
on Paramount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central podcast
You're listening to Comedy Central. But most of the world
has been fighting with various COVID variants, which are all
more efficient than the O G from Muhan. We had alpha,
we had lambda, delta. You know, COVID basically turned the
(00:22):
planet into the shittiest freat house of all time. But
just when we thought we had it all figured out,
last week's scientists in South Africa announced that they discovered
a new variant, and what they saw is freaking people out.
Scientists are raising to learn more about a new COVID variant,
already setting up alarm bells around the world. According to
South African scientists, the omicron variant has more than fifty
(00:46):
mutations and is likely to be more transmissible, but has
a bunch of mutations, a disturbingly large number of mutations
in the spike protein, which is the business end of
the virus. The COVID nineteen vaccines target the spike protein.
If the spike changes too much and in the wrong way,
it could make the vaccines less effective. The president of
(01:07):
Maderna said yesterday, what's most scary about this virus is
it has managed to put all of its greatest hits
into one variant. Yes, it's all the greatest hits in
one place, like if Mama Mia killed you instead of
teaching you about the power of love. And what's so
scary about this thing is all the mutations to the
(01:29):
virus spike protein, because the spike protein is how the
virus penetrates ourselves. It's basically COVID's dick, and a mutated
dick is never a good thing. Yeah, there's no Hallmark
cards that's say congratulations on your mutated dick. But hey,
I'm no experts. So to get us a more informed perspective,
I sent Roy Would Jr. Out to CDC headquarters in Atlanta,
(01:50):
and Roy, I know you're standing by right now. What
can you tell us? Weever, the omicron variant is the
twelfth variant of COVID and the fifth variant of SIR
now spreading in the twenty month of the global pandemic.
I've been talking to the top scientists at the CDC
and everyone seems to agree, come on, man, just just stop,
(02:13):
just stop, man, jill Man, just bury it after vary
it after bury it. Just damn uh got to stop. Bro.
I'm sorry, this is what the scientists are saying. Oh, no,
of course not. I'm paraphrasing Trevor. The actual scientific consensus
(02:33):
on the omicron is gotch ship. I gotta cancel this
damn vacation. I pushed it back to three times to St.
John's I want to go. Then ain't gonna shut everything down.
Then the next thing you know, you're gonna have strange
people delivering your food, and you gotta wonder whether or
not they've been eating some of your Frisch fries. And
then I gotta be cooped up with the boy. And
I got a home school and figured out which button
(02:55):
is the zoo button? Wow? To put the homework on
the printer that has no eat. Then that's just another
whole last day. And then I'm weird. Were the two
bedroom apartment. It's three of us. It's it's just not
enough space. I can hear her phone calls through the wall.
I can hear him playing the Nintendo switch. I'm trying
to be on a comfort call. And God forbid to
actually get a little bit of silence in this house
so I can enjoy my PlayStation that I set online
(03:17):
but inside from Monday to buy. I actually got a
goddamn PlayStation that I can't even play now because everybody's
gonna be in the house because you can't play violent
video games around the boy. We don't want him learning
about fol But what other games are there to play
on a PlayStation other than violent games. You have to
pretend violence in this country to keep from doing violence
(03:39):
in real life. And that I think that's what she
doesn't understand. She doesn't understand that that's what the video
games do for me. And I just think if I
just had her just a third bedroom, a third bedroom, alright,
that's all we need is the third bedroom, and that
would give me the space that I need. I think
we would have to move uptown. And that's too far.
And then thank you, thank you, trained brand, and everybody's
(04:02):
got ocron, all right, Thank you so much, Roy, Thank
you so much, Roy. Thank you for keeping us updated
on on your developments. Thank you so much for that. Now, Look,
I understand the frustration of facing yet another new variant.
I mean, how did that happen after everything we did,
I mean for two years now, people, we wore masques
for some of the time, with social distanced when it
(04:25):
was convenient. Then like half of us got vaccinated. What
more is it? Gonna take. But at the same time,
we shouldn't panic because this variant was just discovered. So
there's still a ton that we don't know about it.
We don't know how long it's been around. We don't
know if it causes more severe illness, we don't know
if it can evade our vaccines. We know less about
this variant. Then your grandmother knows about Jojo Siwa and
(04:45):
she just knows. She's scared. That's it. And it could
very well be that all these mutations that sounds so
scary turned out to not be that big a deal.
You know, like when Apple acts like it's making tons
of changes with the iPhone and then we're like, how
did a new iPhone? I didn't know iPhone? Then you
get it and you're like, wait, it's just a slightly
different camera. I killed a man in line for this thing.
(05:07):
So right now, basically all we know about this strain
is that it's called ome Crown. That's all we know,
And even the name of the virus has a complicated story.
World Health Organization panel has just named the strain O
macron and classified it as a variant of concern. The
World Health Organization named this verian omicron instead of the
next letters in the Greek alphabet new or G. In
(05:28):
a statement to the Associated Press, they said they skipped
new because it sounds like the word new, and that
G is a common last name. Yes, it's true. G
is a very common last name, particularly among Chinese authoritarian leaders.
I see you who literally shows you the cloud that
China has man because the World Health Organization is like, oh,
(05:51):
we don't want to offend one guy in China. Meanwhile,
grease is over here like what you stole our whole alphabet, Malacca.
And it has been interesting to see how sensitive the
scientific community has become about naming COVID variants, right because
back in the day, you realized, back in the day,
nobody cared like nobody cared about naming diseases. Doctors would
even name diseases after themselves. I discovered a disease that
(06:13):
this toys the mind, making you slowly forget your life
onto the people that you love once. Whenever people get
this disease, I vant them thinking, oh yeah, boy, yeah,
that they will never forget me. I means they might forget,
but yeah, you know what I'm saying. It's got me
quite cool. But the good news about them skipping those
letters is that that means we're almost halfway to Omega now,
(06:36):
which is the last letter of the Greek alphabet, and
that means once COVID reaches the end of the alphabet,
it can't make any more variance. People, that's just science.
We did it, baby. Yeah. Now. The truth is that
so far, there are some encouraging signs that O macron
may only be causing mild symptoms in the people who
have it, although experts say it will take at least
(06:57):
a couple of weeks before we really under stand what
the strain can do. But the world isn't waiting to
find out. Governments are moving quickly tonight to limit travel
into their countries in an attempt to slow the spread
of the new COVID variant called O macron. Overnight, the
United States banned entry for non citizen travelers from South
Africa and seven neighboring countries. At least forty four other
(07:20):
countries are also imposing travel restrictions. I took immediate steps
to restrict travel from countries in Southern Africa. But while
we have that travel restrictions can slow the speed of omnicron,
it cannot prevent it. But here's what it does. It
gives us time. Gives us time to take more actions,
to move quicker, to make sure people understand you have
(07:45):
to get your vaccine, you have to get the shot. Yes,
if you give America just a couple more weeks, surely
all the anti vactors will finally come around and get
their shots. Bless your heart, Joe, No, for real. I mean, honestly,
when the US is coming from on this right, if
you can slow down the spread of omicron even a
little bit, then you have time to research it. You
(08:07):
have time to work on new vaccines, and you have
time to consult with Joe Rogan on a treatment plan.
I mean, hey, maybe this time he'll say vaccines. You
don't know. So a lot of people support this travel ban,
although Republicans on giving Biden any credit for taking a
tough stance. In fact, today Texas Governor Greg Abbott he
tweeted that while Biden is banning travel from South Africa,
(08:28):
he's doing nothing to stop South Africans from crossing the
southern border illegally. And you know, Greg Abbott has a
very good point here. Every day, millions of South Africans
walk across the Atlantic Ocean to cross the border. I mean,
why did I book a flight? I could have just
hits the ride. What is this? This is the biggest
(08:51):
lot of bullshit ever. And look props to the governor
of Texas for being able to turn literally any story
into a complaint about the border. Everyone's watching where noticed
on Netflix when what they should be doing is watching
our southern border. Now, you guys may not know this
about me, but I too, am a South African. Relax. Relax,
everyone in the student Relax. I do not have the variant.
(09:13):
I think the o g one. And as a South
African who does not have the variant, I think this
travel ban is total bullshit. I really do. I mean,
first of all, COVID is a hoax. We can't agree
on that, right No. But for the second of all,
ohmcrown has already been found in over a dozen countries,
a dozen countries around the world. Right. We don't know
(09:36):
where it started, we don't know how long it's been around.
It's everywhere from Hong Kong to Israel to Spain. So
why aren't you banning travel from all of those countries too? Huh?
Only the African countries. What's the difference between the African country. Uh,
I still don't get the logic. What you think, oh,
Macron is is gonna get to Europe and then just
(09:56):
decide to stay there. I was going to spread to America,
but I simply cannot leave the beauty of Barcelona. And look,
I mean, maybe America is buying itself a couple of
weeks before it gets overrun with only crown. But don't forget.
Don't forget about the cost of this action too, because
you do realize that other countries are paying attention, and
they realize that if they're gonna get punished for telling
(10:17):
the world about new variants, they're gonna stop telling the
world whenever their scientists discover new variants. I'm just saying,
don't be surprised when the next variant pops up in
Europe and Italian scientists come out acting like nothing is wrong,
Everything is a fine, This is a just that how
you say, a thick challenge. But that's where we are
right now. There's a new coronavirus that we don't know
(10:40):
anything about. And because of that, I can't go home
to my uncle's baby shower, and man, I really wanted
to go. You don't see your uncle get showered by
babies much. As of now, it looks like it's going
to still be a couple of weeks before we know
more about the omikron strain, things like does it spread foster,
(11:04):
doesn't make you sick of? And is it available as
an n f T. But over in Mega world, oh,
they seem to already have figured it all out. The
emergence of the new COVID variant is sparking a fresh
round of conspiracy theories. Former White House doctor turned MAGA
Congressman Ronnie Jackson tweeted, quote, here comes the MTV, the
(11:24):
mid term election variant. They need a reason to push
unsolicited nationwide mail in ballots. Democrats will do anything to
cheat during election, but we're not going to let them.
It defies logic and listen here. Unfortunately, it's not just
Ronnie Jackson. If it was just Congressman Jackson or Dr Jackson,
we could call him out. But he's getting help on
you know where it's always a new variant, and you
(11:45):
can always count on a variant about every October every
few years. You know, you're probably right. However, they could
speed up the variants can come more quickly, and we're
gonna need a New Years Okay, okay, just so, just
so I've got the straights. According to this conspiracy, the
Democrats big plan is to intentionally never solve the one
(12:08):
problem that is ruining everyone's life. That is such a
dumb ass strategy to win an election, which makes me
think maybe the Democrats actually did come up with it.
I mean, you realize for this to be true, the
Democrats would have had to coordinate on this lie with
the World Health Organization and South African scientists and governments
(12:29):
across Europe. You're serious, people, You know the Democrats can't
coordinate ships or I think Democrats can coordinate as their
cante clots. And it's bad enough to hear this from
a congressman, but what's crazy is that before he was
in Congress, people forget Ronnie Jackson was the president's doctor.
The president's doctor and not just Trump's doctor, by the way,
Obama's doctor too. Yeah, that guy. This just shows you
(12:54):
how bad America's health care system. Even the President was like,
you're telling me that he's the only doctor in my network.
I mean, seriously, it's amazing that Obama and Trump actually
survived one of them, sneezes. And Ronnie Jackson is like,
you've got to realign your electrons quick, so allow as
many magnets as possible. And by the way of all
the shows, how does Fox and Friends not understand what
(13:14):
new variants are? Every four months, Fox and Friends has
two totally different dudes and one new woman saying the
same bullshit from the same couch. I mean, if that
isn't a new variant, I don't know what is. Hey,
but whatever, man, I guess the Democrats, in coordination with
scientists in South Africa, Europe, Israel all over, are simply
pretending there's a new Corona variant out there. That's what
they're doing. Yeah, and they're not only doing it to
(13:35):
justify male in voting. No, no, no, it's also because
they're really horny for lockdowns. Church. If they keep testing
for different strains of coronavirus, we're going to be locked
down for the rest of our existence. I am you know,
I had cancer. My oncologist is a specialist in bone cancer,
and he, you know, every oncologist who deals with bone
(13:56):
cancer identifies hundreds of coronavirus ruses inside of our bones.
They've created a problem that can never actually be solved
so they can justify whatever it is they want to do.
I'm sorry, what your bones are riddled with coronavirus? Quick, lady,
you need to swallow these magnets. Now. What I think
(14:19):
Laura Logan was saying there is that we'll never stop
finding new coronavirus variants when they test us because our
bones are full of them. And and look, this sounded
wrong to me, but I'm not a bone doctor. I
mean I am, But so we called a top oncologist
just to make sure that we were right. And we
(14:41):
were like, hey, weird question, But if you crack open
a bone, do hundreds of coronaviruses fly out? And she
was like no, And also, why is everyone asking me
this question today? So no, people, bones are not filled
with coronaviruses? All right, they're fooled with milke? Can we
(15:01):
call it back? And asked what bones are filled with?
But according to Fox Now, Democrats are going to force
everyone into endless lockdowns. That's the plan. And the worst
part is if Trump westl in office, this variance, which
doesn't even exist, would already be defeated. Covid is becoming endemic.
It is going to continue to mutate, it's going to
(15:21):
continue to evolve. It's all around planet Earth. If President
Trump was still in office, by the way, we'd already
have modified vaccines to deal with the new variants, which
is a great point. Okay, First of all, Stephen Miller,
if President Trump was still in office, if someone is
not a true believer, JFK Jr. Will be so disappointed
(15:43):
when he hears about this one. I mean, the idea
that Donald Trump would have quickly handled a COVID variant
is by far the least believable ship I have ever heard.
You're gonna act like we all don't know this man.
There's no way he would have handled it. First of all,
he would have spent four months denying there was even
a new variant, and then he would have wasted six
more months saying that the vaccines were on their way,
but then also, don't worry about it because it's not
(16:05):
gonna hurt anybody, but also the vaccines are coming. And
then he would have gotten on the cron himself. And
then he would have been like, I'm Akron Israel, folks,
gnally real, and I beat it. I clady chapter show what.
I destroyed it and now it credit gred to me.
It's it trip where you do you mean? Baby hard?
And I beat it, so now it's over. Congratulations to all,
(16:28):
even the haters and the losers. I mean, you can't
have a vaccine for a new variant a few days
after you discover the varying people. It's impossible. The only
way you could do that is if you had a
time machine. And we all know if Trump had a
time machine, he wouldn't use it for that. He'd go
back in time to hang baby Mike Pence. I'm just kidding.
(16:51):
I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. He'd probably used it
to warn himself not to have that affair with Stormy Daniels,
but then he'd get to Horny and end up having
a threesome with himself, and Stormy Daniels is so great.
There are fine people on both sides, very fan people. Now, Look,
anyone whose brain hasn't been rottsed from Fox and Facebook
(17:11):
knows that everything these people are saying is bullshit. Armcron
is a real variant with real mutations and real spikes
on its real proteins and ship. That's how it works.
Democrats are just trying to keep the pandemic going to
stay in power. And the best way you can tell
that is that a year ago mago Wald was pushing
(17:31):
the exact opposite conspiracy. If it ends up that Biden
wins in November, I guarantee you the week after the election,
suddenly all those democratic governors, all those Democratic mayors, will
say everything is magically better. Go back to work, go
back to school. Suddenly the problems are solving. You'll milk
it every single day between now and November three. And
guess what after November three, coronavirus will magically, all of
(17:55):
a sudden go away and disappear, and everybody will be
able to reopen. That's all you turn on television. COVID, COVID, COVID, COVID,
COVERD COVID by the way, or November four, you wan't
hear about it anyway, So COVID, co COVID, go. This
(18:15):
dude was president and he's gonna be president again. Ah now,
to be fair, to be fair, for a while after
the election, we did hear less about COVID, mostly because
the news was about Donald Trump trying to overthrow the country.
But this really shows you how drastically mega people have
changed their conspiracies about COVID over time. I mean you
(18:38):
might even say they had to mutate their propaganda so
that I could keep spreading in a new environment. I
wonder if there's a medical parallel to the way these
talking points are adapting over time. No abortion has been
(19:00):
a constitutional rights in the United States ever since the
Supreme Court decided a Roe v. Wade nearly half a
century ago. But based on what happened at the Supreme
Court today, it seems like it won't be a right
for much longer. The Fox tows a learned oral arguments
in a landmark abortion case wrapping up at the Supreme
Court after nearly two hours the hearing, setting up a
(19:20):
decision by the High Court, now with the sixty three
conservative majority, that could change abortion laws across the country.
Hundreds of protesters from both sides of the issue gathered
outside of the Supreme Court. The stakes could not be higher.
Ro versus Wade is on the line as the Justice
is considered a law from Mississippi that would ban almost
all abortions after fifteen weeks of pregnancy. After today's arguments
(19:44):
over abortion, it appears abortion rights in America as they
stand right now are in grave danger. After two hours
of questioning, the general consensus among legal experts is that
there are at least five votes to uphold Mississippi's ban
on abortion after or fifteen weeks of pregnancy, and possibly
as many votes to overturn a federal right to an
(20:06):
abortion altogether. Who boy. Based on the oral arguments in
the Supreme Court today, it looks very likely that Roe v.
Wade will soon be overturned. And you know, when you
think about it, it it is wild. It's wild to the
United States takes such a step backwards in women's rights.
It's almost like the US invaded Afghanistan to defeat the
(20:26):
Taliban and then came back to the US like, actually,
those guys have some pretty good ideas. And now the
truth is, the truth is that this is the culmination
of a fifty year plan for the conservative movement to
reshape the courts for this very purpose. And say what
you want about it, but you've got to admit, man,
the conservative movement is just that dedicated to protecting life.
(20:47):
I mean not protecting life from coronavirus or school shootings
or from a lack of healthcare or climate change, or
poverty or homelessness or and I know, I know, I
know there are guys out there right now saying, well,
you know what, tough luck, ladies, but this doesn't affect me. Well,
first of all, you're gonna see it affect your bank
account when you're paying child support for eighteen years. And secondly,
(21:09):
you guys clearly don't see what's happening here. Yeah, because
first first they said a baby is only a baby
when it comes out of the vagina. Then they said
it's a baby when it's viable outside of the womb.
Right now, you've got people arguing that if there's any
electrical signal, it counts as a heartbeat. You realize what's
coming up next, right at some point they're gonna be like, Okay,
(21:30):
we decided that sperm is babies, so you can't check
off anymore. Were like, what, but what if I ever
went dream? Then your ass is going to jail. And
now you're in your dreams trying to get your high
school teacher to put her shirt back on. No, Mrs Patterson,
please please, I can't do hard time. Please get dressed.
I'm kidding, of course I'm kidding. Obviously, nobody's ever going
to regulate what men can do with their bud. He's
(21:51):
come down everybody. Now, look, we don't know for sure
what the ruling will be at, and we won't find
out until next year. But you can't tell a lot
about where the justices stand based on what kind of
arguments they made. For example, Justice Brett Kavanaugh, Trump appointee
and guy at the bar who insists he's totally finds
a drive. Well, he emphasized the view that overturning the
(22:15):
right to abortion would actually be the neutral position because
it is neither pro life nor pro choice, but simply
leaves the issue up to the states. And I have
to admit, guys, that argument actually makes a lot of sense,
Like why should there be one abortion law for the
entire country when people in Alabama and people in California
(22:37):
have very different views on this, so maybe it should
be different in different states, although when you think about it,
there are also differences in different parts of each state.
So really the law should be like by county, you
know what I mean? That would be better. They should
say like red counties in a blue state can ban abortion,
but blue counties in a red state can allow abortion.
(22:58):
I mean that that seems fair right up to the states,
but make it up to the counties. Well except actually,
sometimes you have urban and rural areas sharing a county,
so maybe it should be at the level of the
city or the town. Yeah no, wait, what if each house,
Oh yes, each house, each house could have its own rule. Yeah,
this makes sense right because the neighbors, they don't always
agree with each other, but in the house, within the house,
(23:21):
people have different opinions. You know what, what if each
person made their own rule, Like each person could decide
for themselves what they could do with their own ship.
People are figured it out. You know, get me a
taxing to the Supreme Court. You know, get me a
taxed me to the bar next to the Supreme Court.
I want to tell for justice having or something. Yeah, man,
this is amazing. O Micron the worst transformer ever. So
(23:46):
it was a car and then it became a virus. Yesterday,
the first case was identified right here in the United States,
and it didn't take long for the sequel to come out.
We do begin this hour with breaking news on the pandemic.
The second confirmed case of O macron variant in the
United States has just been confirmed, this one in Minnesota.
We don't know much about the patient yet, except that
(24:07):
they had only traveled domestically. Health officials say that the
man developed mild symptoms on November after going to an
anime convention in New York City. Fifty three thousand people
attended that event between November and one when now the
city wants those attendees to get a COVID test immediately,
where face masks and practice social distancing until they get
(24:30):
their test results back. That's right, one of the first
US cases of the new COVID variant. Maybe an adult
man who attended an anime convention, I mean, which is good.
At least we know that it's not transmitted via eye contact. No,
but I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I love animey, honestly I do.
In fact, when I heard about this, I wondered if
the guy got infected in anime style. It's over crown.
(24:54):
It's power and stronger than any other variant I've ever seen.
It's got so many spikes. I should gotten a booster shot.
If I don't breathe, maybe I can survive my son.
But people, please remember this, Please remember this. We shouldn't
be surprised when we find more and more cases. Okay,
(25:17):
because onlycron is like those microscopic bugs that live in
your eyelashes. Even if you don't see them, you know
that they're there. Ye laughing at you about all the
spiders that crawl into your mouth while you sleep. And also,
don't forget don't forget this. We have no idea if
onlycron is actually that bad. And what I mean by
that is, we don't know if it might spread more easily,
(25:38):
or you know, if we don't know if it will
be more deadly. It's it's just too early to know.
And I hate to sound like someone describing every streaming
show right now, but you've gotta stick with it past
the first couple of weeks and see where it goes,
you know. But anyway, let's move on from COVID to
America's other national past time, baseball, the only sports you
can think about to yourself to stop from orgasm. Ng. Yeah, sorry, hockey,
(26:01):
you're too sexy. In some ways, being a baseball player
is unlike any other job in the world. I mean,
for one thing, if your entire office got into a brawl,
you wouldn't go back to work five minutes later like
nothing happened. But also, being a baseball player is still
a job, which means that sometimes they get into disagreements
with their bosses. And now one of those disagreements has
(26:23):
shut down the entire league. Breaking news from the world
of sports overnight. For the first time in more than
twenty five years, Major League Baseball is now in a
work stoppage, owners locking out players after months of failed
talks towards a new labor contract. The biggest economic issues
right now between MLB and the union had to do
with when players become free agents and how much they
(26:45):
get paid, players association once young stars to get paid sooner,
and not being restricted to teams for the first six
years of their career. Now the lockout breases all league business.
Its own agreement is reached. That means no trades, no
more free agents, minings, and no players are allowed inside
club facilities. And if you go to MLB dot com
(27:05):
or your favorite team's website, you're gonna notice all images
and videos of players have been completely removed. They took
all the players photos off the MLB websites. You know
who's feeling great about this right now? Yeah, anyone who
collects baseball cards. Well, well, well, you guys said there
(27:25):
was no reason for me to have a photo of
Albert pooh Halls, But now I'm the only guy who
knows what he looks like. Ha ha ha. At the
same time, though, this is all happening in the off season,
so there's plenty of time for them to work out
their differences before the season starts. You know, there's like
a haunted house owner getting tough with the employees in July.
It doesn't really matter, and you know they're gonna work
(27:46):
something else because both sides need each other. Like the MLB,
they can't go out and hire regular people. Well show
how that turned out with fifty cents and baseball players.
They have no skills that translate to other jobs. Yeah,
I'm looking for a position where I can stand around
doing nothing for most of the day, but then every
twenty minutes something comes at my head really fast. Also,
(28:09):
I want to be able to slap anyone's ass whenever
I like. Before we go, please consider supporting Choose Love.
They work to provide refugees and displace people with everything
from life saving search and rescue boats to food and
even legal advice. At the link below. You can go
to the Choose Love store and buy essential emergency items
and services for the refugees who need them. Everything diapers,
(28:31):
hot meals, medical services, and so much more. So. If
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