January 5, 2026 • 35 mins
We’ve explored how people fight for justice, but how are the women whose lives were affected by Roger Golubski healing the aftermath of their trauma? In this episode, Khadijah and Nikki discuss the power of sisterhood and how community based programmes can support women on their path to recovery.
US resources for Violence and Sexual Assault: https://rainn.org/
International resources for Violence and Sexual Assault: https://nomoredirectory.org/
US Suicide & Crisis Helpline: https://988lifeline.org/
International Suicide & Crisis Helplines: https://blog.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines/
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, it's Kadija.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
In this episode, we're going to explore what it's like
to be in a community healing and the aftermathter trauma.
We'll talk about our hosts for the future and show
how sisterhood can get us through the darkest moments of
our lives. But that conversation will include discussions of suicide, murder,
(00:23):
substance abuse, and sexual assault. This series is here to
offer tools and support to victims and their loved ones,
but please do keep in mind that we are not
mental health professionals. We would always encourage you to seek
out professional mental health support if you are struggling with
the issues we are discussing today. If you or someone
(00:46):
you love have been affected by any of the themes
that come up in this episode, we've left the links
in the description that offer resources and support, take care
of yourself. In this episode, we're talking about recovering from trauma,
whether you're seeking help for yourself or a loved one.
(01:09):
This episode is about sharing the twos to move forward
and how you can help those around you. In this series,
we've shared some of the darkest stories of our lives, violence,
police brutality, and a corrupt justice system. Have all contributed
to the trauma crisis in the city. We love Kansas City, Kansas,
(01:31):
but the pain runs deeper. We still live with the
legacy of Jim Crow. The past cast a long shadow.
Something I've learned over the years is that if you
don't work through your trauma, it can consume and destroy you.
But the girlfriends we met on this journey have never
stopped fighting, fighting to heal, and fighting for justice. There
(01:55):
have been inspiring women activists who have shown us the way,
like Bill Hooks, whose story reminds us healing is an
act of resistance. Now we're taking on that mantle and
inviting you to join us. I'm Kadida Heartaway from the Teens,
a novel, and iHeart podcasts. You're listening to the Girlfriends
(02:20):
Untouchable by Honest episode too, the Girlfriend's Guide to Healing
(02:41):
in the Aftermath of Trauma. I want to start this
conversation off with the reasons why it's so hard to
begin healing a lot of women who are traumatized don't
have the twos to recover. This is something that we've
(03:04):
witnessed all too much in our work at Justice for Wyandotte,
and it's something me and my girlfriend on this journey,
Nicki Richardson have discussed countless times. Nicki, you know, we
came together on this kind of like as a spark,
right to just glided together.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
That's exactly how it happened.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
We started out the idea that Wyandot County needed therapy
because that's what the crimes happened. By the time of
his death in December twenty twenty four, there had been
two convictions tied to Detective Roger Galuspi which had been overturned,
and as we're recording this, one hundred and fifty five
(03:44):
more cases are under review by the Kansas City, Kansas
Police Department. A twenty twenty three civil lawso claims Galusi
ran a such trafficking ring while on duty, raping and
coercing women. He was specific in who went after two.
Glusy's victims were overwhelmingly Black girls and women. Many black
(04:07):
women in Windock County continue to live in fear, and
decades of abuse still leaves a mark on the collected
lives of our community. Black residents are almost three times
more likely to be arrested for low level offenses than
white residents in Windock County. Additionally, black youth are three
times more likely to be arrested than white youth, with
(04:29):
revictimization a constant threat for so many of the women
in Windock County. Healing from past trauma is, to put
it bluntly, really hard.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
When you've had years and years and years of being exploited,
being overlooked, to nobody hearing your story. On top of
these systems in place that are supposed to be built
to protect you and just not doing it, the trust
breaks down. We've seen people who have resorted to substance abuse,
(04:59):
even if they gotten better, and then they get triggered
and they go right back into it. What we noticed
when we were trying to help people find their pathway
to healing and finding their pathway to justice was that
there were a lot of obstacles to just getting there.
So first was just simply recognizing that you have you
(05:23):
have a problem, and that these responses are tied to
your trauma. So accepting treatment is a big part of
accepting that you have a problem. Trauma has them in
such a space to where they can't get out of
bed in the morning, they can't even set up the appointment,
they can't function and so that is an uphill battle.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
The trauma leads to disease.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Yeah, I mean your blood pressure is high, you're not
sleeping well, yeah, you're not sleeping well, you're in a
constant state of stress. Your body just starts breaking down.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
When it really comes to individuals that we advocate for,
I think being consistent in what we tell them helps
things resonate to a point where I can accept what
I've been through. People don't want to come out of
victim into survivor because you no longer have any excuses
(06:25):
why you can't change some of the things you want
or why you can't move towards And I'm not saying.
Speaker 3 (06:30):
That losing something too, you feel like you're losing the
right to help.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
The barriers that black women can face to helen are many.
The issues that get in the way range from denial
to depression to continue in trauma, and as Nikki just said,
people can become attached to the sympathy that comes with victimhood.
Even if a person gets to the point where they
overcome those hurdles and they come to us for help,
(06:57):
there are so many more challenges beyond Okay, you've accepted.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
And you want it and you're ready for it.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
Now we are running around trying to find the resources
because the uniqueness.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
And how we're set.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
Up and how we're set up. First of all, it
needs to be paid for. They're not going to usually
in a space to be able to afford their own therapy,
and then care sociality care associated with and then therapy availability.
There's just not a lot of therapists that are readily
available to deal with these immediate triod situations. And even
though when we tried to build networks, it's still a
(07:33):
tough battle. We wanted to make sure that we had
a place where they could feel safe, and so also
finding black women in therapy, you know, when you're getting
that niche, it makes it limited to the amount of
resources that you had.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
So one of the problems that we ran into is
just the emergency triage. In one situation, we had a
murder victim whose girlfriend was feeling suicidal. We went into
trying to find someone to help the young lady. What
we ran into was roadblocks everywhere. The bands were full.
In some points, we were building a strategy with the
(08:07):
people on the phone as if we were therapists ourselves,
and we just couldn't get the people help.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
In many cases, they would do that same thing with
us being a therapist. Well, you're capable can this particular situation.
I'm like, no, they're dealing with trauma and they need
actual resources. Right, There's definitely enough resources out there. There's
no reason why these women should have to ask for anything.
There were no resources for these women, nothing for them
(08:36):
to keep themselves up above water, right, sustain themselves. And
we're talking about in the areas of therapy, legal representation,
because it was hard for them to just keep a
job or occupation which nobody does its work, and to
keep without having some kind of like strife amongst themselves right,
(08:58):
Which for me when I talk about trauma, of course,
I've had run ins with the police and have dealt
with some issues with family that I just never really
got any help with. Running our non for profit, we
have worked with many women who are trying to get
that help and move forward with their lives. One of
(09:18):
the things we realize is, in the context of there
being so much hurt around us, we had to protect
ourselves first and look out for each other. It has
generally been through this process that I've understood what sisterhood means,
and not in just the most beautiful and positive sense,
but when it's hard and when it's difficult, and how
(09:41):
to love each other even in those tough moments when
you're going through trauma and grief and you're able to
look at each other and be able to see each
other and wipe each other's tears. That's what real sisterhood is.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
We find ourselves in these situations where we're trying to
balance people's trauma keep them at an even keel. Balancing that, Nikki,
I think was probably one of the most hardest things.
I don't think if I had not had you, if
I could not lean on you to tell you what
I was experiencing with each case and you help me
(10:17):
set up healthy boundaries and even give them healthy boundaries
to move forward, I don't think we would even be
in this space.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
Because you know, we're no good to anybody if we're
not taken care of to just start establishing those boundaries.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
I got a ton of calls, and it's just like,
I'm not Jesus baby, I'm not Moses.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
I can at all. I don't know what you want
me to do with all of this.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
How do you set these boundaries that don't retraumatize yourself
while you're trying to help other people. This brings me
to the sisterhood that we had to developed the protection
of one another. So what about the lessons we've learned
and how we've come to function and heal in this
difficult environment we've been in.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
There's a lot of trauma here that's creating an entire
barrier that makes it hard for even function to get
their own justice. You need to find something to root
yourself in for your healing. We're very much rooted in
our faith, and I think that is what's kept us strong.
If you need a therapist to help you with that journey,
seek therapy. If you need a church family to find
(11:20):
that journey, find a church family. And it's okay if
you can't move as fast as you want to move,
if you need a second, take that second. Get yourself
together and get yourself in a place to where you
can actually fight. But that's the other thing about trauma
and fear is that people don't seek out the knowledge
that they really need to take the next steps. For me,
(11:42):
it was very healing and therapeutic, even though I don't
have the justice at least I know the things that
they were gased like me about the laws. When I
talk about my church life, most of the ministries of
my church are psychiatrists, and I remember going through my
own situations and having sessions with my pastor to get
through and it was free of charge.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
So I was grateful for that.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Not everybody has those channels, right Yeah. Mine and Nikki's
work focuses on getting women their justice, and although the
trauma they experienced is something we deal with, it's not
our professional expertise with justice were wind out. We did
what we could, but there were limits on how we
(12:27):
could help when it comes to healing. The problems in
the community were massive, and with the challenges of getting
these women better to be honest, at times, we were
out of our depth. So I decided to reach out
to someone who could shed a light on the barriers
we face when it comes to healing in the many
ways to overcome them. That's coming up after the break.
(13:10):
Maisha Hill is a dedicated activist and Arthur fighting to
get black women into therapy and on their healing journeys.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Maysha is nice to meet you.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
If you could just give us a little bit of
background on you.
Speaker 3 (13:25):
My background is just based rooted in my lived experience
as a mental health activist, as a guide, as a writer,
as someone who just shares the journey of life with
many people. I'm a former deacon and pastor. I just
preached occasionally.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Bayisha is also the founder of Brown's Sister Speak, a
non for profit organization founded a decade ago offering mental
health empowerment and peer support to women of color. It
grew to become a platform for women of color to
support each other in their mental health and worse, to
get black women access to therapy. If anyone can share
(14:04):
some light on some of the barriers women face recovering
from trauma, it's going to be Mayesha.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
A lot of my work is the intersection of oppression
and liberation. First begin with brown Sister Speak, and that
was a project actually as part of my college course,
to have black women talk more openly about their mental health.
We talk as women about the importance of taking care
of our mental health, and that it just evolved over
(14:32):
time to me wanting to make therapy accessible, so raising
funds to pay for people to go to therapy, and
twenty twenty we raised so many funds for Brown Sister Speak.
At the time, we were able to send like fifty
people to therapy. We even had open mental health circles
called First Black Friday through the summer of twenty twenty
(14:53):
to help Black folks really have a space to process.
We started a community care campaign specifically for black folks.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Do you think there is a space for healing in
this time? I mean like I feel like there's you
got to heal, But at the same time, you got
to figure out a strategy to beat everything that is
going on right now. We struggle before Trump got into
office with with trauma and mental health.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
So how do I navigate what's happening right now with
what healing truly looks like? And it's I remember when
the ancestors would gather together either on a weekday or
a weeknight, and they would come together and circle.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
That's the kind of sacred community space where people sit
together and talk our prey or take part in a
ceremony in order to help one another to heal.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
Peer support is one of the most overlooked mental health
practices that that's actually communal to Africa. So for me,
healing in this environment, we may have to go underground,
and we know how to survive what's coming because we've
been here before, and so how do we heal forward?
I think it really looks like us talking circles and
finding psychologists. So there's the Association of Black Psychologists and
(16:08):
also pulling together our money. If we have a black
therapist or black psychologists, we're paying for each other to
have access to mental health services. Even with peer support.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
We have people who have been severely abused, treated like
animals in dogs.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
These are the traumas of Wine Dot County. There are.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
Stories that would make you throw up after listening and
hearing the stories, and all of this is at the
hands of someone who is supposed to protect them, allegedly.
And so when we talk about sitting around in a circle,
what do we do for people like that who just
can't get that out of their mind? The only thing
that makes the function is medication.
Speaker 3 (16:53):
As someone who has similar deep traumas as you name
and have been medicated, the things that help me bring
me out of that darkness and off medication was community
and people point into me. Because we also can't do
this by ourselves, which is why circle is so important.
And it's also embodiment and somatic practices. So there's a yoga,
(17:13):
there's movement, there's dance. So much of that gets stolen
from you when you are assaulted, when you are a victim,
when someone's supposed to protect you and they cause harm
to you. So how do we help each other reclaim that?
And I think reclamation comes with a new circle of care,
and that care is around food and nutrition. I think
it's going to take a whole community of care model
(17:36):
to do that, to help people who have experienced that
level of trauma to get back to a sense of
reclaiming their own humanity. What worked in my journey changing
what we eat, what we put into our bodies. It's
going to take psycho therapy, which is one on one
therapy or group therapy. Does someone need medication and how
(17:57):
do you help them wean off medication right? And how
do they get in their bodies. I know it's possible
to help people be rehumanized.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
In as I listened to you, it sounds like and
I like to use the word utopia.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
Depending on the level of trauma, A circle's not going
to just help. I think the circle is where you
relate to your peers. You need more than a circle
when you're having repetitive thoughts of suicide, you know you
mean more than the circle when you're having nightmares about
the trauma that happened to you. I think the circles
are a definitely part of one's recovery process, and also
(18:34):
the severity of the trauma depends on how you would
curate your wellness action plan. They used to talk about
that when I was in the mental health hospital, like
you had to have a wellness recovery action plan before
they let you go. And that's language that I don't
know if we're using even in our own community. How
do you know when you need more than a group?
And how do we help each other remind each other
(18:55):
of that?
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Which leads me to talk about generational trauma. We once
steed a program called Jim Crow two point zero and
it was just basically like we never really left Jim Crow.
Do you not get where policing came from and where
we are now and why it looks the way it
looks like, I mean, come on, take the blinders off, right,
(19:16):
So let's talk a little bit about black trauma and
how we have I guess PTSD.
Speaker 3 (19:24):
One of the books that I really appreciate reading is
doctor Joy de Grew, and she talks about post traumatic
slave syndrome, and it basically comes from how a lot
of our trauma is rooted and from being enslaved, and
how we don't speak up right, We kind of sit
and watch idly by out of fear.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
I did want to touch a little bit more like
on this whole Jim Crow synopsis, because it looks like
we're going back that way we struggled before getting people
in the right resources. It makes me feel horrible to
know that there are a lot of stories out here
(20:03):
that I cannot help an individual because I don't have
the resources.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
It's hard to make those patterns because then you got
to think about money. Where's the money gonna come from?
Speaker 2 (20:13):
So?
Speaker 3 (20:13):
How can you change a sick environment when you're already
in it.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
The challenges Black people face around the nation are in
the bones of our system and our history. The environment
is sick, and for many of the people in our community,
we have turned that trauma in sickness and work blaming
ourselves in each other. Most people shy away from individuals
(20:38):
who have experienced that deep mental trauma because they don't
know what to do.
Speaker 3 (20:43):
I remember the first time that I thought about they
tell me I had depression, and I was like, that's
white people's stuff. Black people, we don't get depressed. What
is depression? I can pray it away. Every option that
was offered to me, I just kept saying, no, only
white people do that. And I think the stigma is
really rooted in that post traumatic slave syndrome of being
resilient as a people, being a strong black woman, which
is a stereotype, and not wanting to ask for help
(21:05):
or support because you think you can hold it all together.
And I think over the last few years, I've slowly
seen the stigma kind of slowly subside. You know, we
have therapy for black girls, we have therapy for black men,
and I think given ourselves permission to say but I'm
not okay and challenging every norm that says that you
have to be.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Thank God, those stereotypes are fading. So much of what
Mayosha had to say resonates with me. What we have
been dealing with in Kansas City, Kansas isn't just a
truly shocking case of injustice, but historic and economic issues
as well, which deepened the challenges we as a community
face for many, they never find their way to recovery.
(21:50):
With these individuals, we also need to show them love
and understanding. It's sad that they face so many obstacles
to just living a normal life, the fycles of perpetuating
the same thing over and over. It's just interesting the
compounding of this and how those cycles just don't seem
to be able to be broken.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
So if an.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
Individual is really trying to get some help, how do
they remove themselves from the environment that they know so
well every day?
Speaker 1 (22:22):
In order to.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
Make that happen, I think to get out of that environment,
we all have to consider choice, like what can I
choose to do? How do I what choices do I have?
My therapist had me do a genogram, which is basically
this chart where you track all your generational behaviors and
your whole bloodline and you're able to visually see where
the trauma can start with you. One day, I just
(22:45):
woke up and said, I got to stop. This has
to stop with me. I don't want my daughter to
be a single mom. I see eight generations of single parents.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
It's hard to take control when your trauma has put
you in the position of a victim and taking all
your power away. But we have to look for ways
to confront our pain and move on. For example, the
geniogram maps out generational trauma over one hundred years. This
is a great way to show a victim that their
pain won't go away if they ignore it. Thevery wasn't
(23:19):
a solution for Black people in the past. People like
ma Issua are working to make it more available, but it's.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Still not that accessible.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
And days gone by the churches where people went for
healing and support in a crisis. I wanted to speak
to Mayisha about how this cornerstone institution of the black
community is walking with this flock and their journeys to healing.
After the break, We're going to look at the role
the church can play and healing our wounds, where their
(23:52):
limits are, and how to avoid retraumatizing yourself by sharing
your stories. I'm a Christian and an active member of
(24:22):
my church. The church has supported me and sustained me
through rough times, but we have to be critical of
the main institutions in our communities and push them to
serve the flock better. I've seen improvements come in the church,
but it has a huge role to play and heal
in the community. So if it doesn't take that role seriously,
(24:42):
it could end up doing more harm than good when
it comes to mental health, particularly people in urban cores.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
How do you feel like the church.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Do you think they help or do you think that
they create more anguish.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
I've seen church is that have a special fund in
their church where their fund is just dedicated to mental
health and supporting members who need mental health services in
their church. When the church partners with their local health
department because their health department can actually send teams out
to talk about mental health, that works. Then I'm seeing
churches that think that just laying the hands on somebody
(25:19):
is gonna heal them.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
So how would an individual set up some healthy boundaries
when it comes to participating in what we call church healing.
Speaker 3 (25:31):
I love what you're asking. I think a person has
to set their own boundaries and know that the church
should not have power over them. If I know that
a pastor says to me, I'm gonna lay hands on
you and heals you, is gonna retraumatize and retrigger me,
because in the past that's never worked. I need to
write a letter to the deacon and elden board and
say hey, it's a boundary for me.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Setting boundaries and understanding the limits of what can work
for us on our healing journey is crucial. Telling your
story can be powerful, but too much of it can
be triggering. One of the key areas we focus on
is ensuring the welfare of the women we advocate for
at Justice for Wyandotte, I protected them from being exploited.
(26:15):
When it comes to participating in church healing, it's not
the same. And even in when you're sitting in a circle,
there needs to be a healthy dose of what I
can take and what I can't take. We have a
thing where you don't need to tell your story but
once or twice, and that's it, because we believe telling
(26:36):
your story over and over re traumatizes you. People want help,
they want relief, they want justice, and so they feel
compelled to tell these stories. But at the end of
the day, it's tearing them apart. And in most cases,
these church leaders are at the forefront of the fight
for justice. How do we balance what the church can
(26:58):
provide in those healthy boundaries.
Speaker 3 (27:00):
For me, it would be explicitly knowing what my boundaries
are in the church and excusing myself when those boundaries
are gonna be crossed. What is a boundary violation around
my mental health? How do we hold the church accountable?
Another thing, if you're in a circle and your circle
doesn't have agreements of how y'all show up together, you're
not in the right circle. If you're in a circle
and they're making you tell your story over and over again,
(27:23):
that's not the right circle. So when I lead circle,
it's we're gonna write your story, We're gonna speak your story.
Then we're gonna rewrite a new story. Circle should always
be for me, empowering you not to live out that
old story and rewriting a new one. What I also
learned was like having that faith in myself and the
power of affirmation allowed me to take steps forward to
(27:43):
want to heal on an even deeper level. It empowered
me to stop looking for someone to come and save
me or rescue me. It actually gave me the power
to believe in myself and the higher power God or
if maybe some people don't have that, but it allowed
me to believe that healing growth was possible. But it
starts with me, and I have to take responsibility for that.
(28:04):
Even in the darkest circumstance.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
As unfair is in my sound. I agree with Maysha. Ultimately,
no one but you can start your healing journey. You
have to find the strength to affirm yourself. When you
do this, you'll find others stepping up to support you.
I think that Maysha's message is hopeful and it taps
into something NICKI and I have believed in with our
(28:29):
own work. When a victim takes those bow steps towards
healing and recovery, I imagine it would be useful to
know the signs of progress, So I put that question
to Mayusha when we talked.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
For me, progress looks like setting goals with someone and
then we usually do like one life goal. I'll use
a person who is married and is learning how to
have goals for herself. So she'll have a goal for
her life and it go for her marriage, and over
a ninety day period, we'll check in about the goal.
We'll talk about communication styles, we'll talk about how she's
(29:02):
prioritizing herself in her marriage, and then how she's prioritizing
her partner. We'll just do a constant reporting and a
check in, and usually within a ninety day period, I'm
able to see people who are not able to set
boundaries and not able to speak for themselves, set boundaries
and start to speak for themselves. There are some women
that I've worked with for over five years that when
you go back to who they used to be, which
(29:23):
was very passive and feeling a sense of hopelessness, they're
learning to find more joy in their life. They're learning
to have their own boundaries and then speak up when
their boundaries are violated.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
I recognize what Mayesha is saying in the healing journeys
of the many women I.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
Have been involved with.
Speaker 2 (29:41):
We have to build up those resources of self respect,
self worth, boundaries, and self love. Once we've built we
move to maintaining those elements. Even something as simple as
gardening can be a part of the healing process, and
it's something that Mayesha encourages to.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
My mom had a garden. She love gardeners.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
You name the flowers, name this, this is what this does,
and this is how it's going to bear fruit in
this time of the year. And so I understand the
importance of food from the ground. Do you think the
experience of like gardening and that bringing that into the
fold of a circle where people actually touching the earth
(30:24):
and touching each other.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Food relates to that.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
How do we get people in a mindset that they
understand that urban gardening and farming is an easy aspect
and an easy economic way to get there.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
When it comes to your health.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
You are going to need to connect to the earth.
You may need meditation and yoga and breathwork. You may
need a nutrition is to help us get eat really
good foods that will clear our minds. You may need
a holistic practitioner who can come in and tell you
what vitamins and supplements to take. You may need a
movement specialist. It's a whole community systems approach so that
the community can move towards healing and possibility. You have
(31:05):
to empower yourself and then find the support that you
need and ask for that help.
Speaker 1 (31:10):
You don't have to do it by yourself.
Speaker 3 (31:12):
I'm suggesting the circle and the food and the somatics
and getting your hands in the dirt. What I know
from history is that those of us who stay in
our imagination and dream and create, even in this system
of dysfunction, healing is possible. Healing is a lifelong journey
You're never fully healed, you're always becoming. Let's say your
(31:33):
first trauma was at five years old and you've been
living it with it, and now you're forty five. You
can't unlearn forty five years of trauma in like one
year or two years. It takes a constant practice because
you have to reaffirm those behaviors, unlearn, and relearn. And
it is just a marathon, not a sprint, because your
trauma will show up. It's how you react and respond
(31:53):
to it that makes the biggest difference.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
I want to thank you for your insight and your contributions.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and offering such powerful
tools for understanding how we can start to heal. Your
work is truly a gift for this community. My issue
is a part of a generation of women who have
(32:20):
given Black women more tools and more choices to get better.
This generation of women have been truly courageous and blazed
to trail. I hope you can take something from her
wise words and this girlfriend's guy. I wanted to touch
on multiple paths for healing for you listeners. I wanted
(32:41):
you to know that there are so many roads to
healing and ways to overcome. While the pain is real,
so is the possibility of healing. Not every solution will
work for everyone, but there are tools and help available.
Our communities have endorsed so much, but we also have
(33:02):
the strength to heal and grow. Let's take this journey together.
In the next episode of The Girlfriends Untouchable, Nikki will
be diving into police misconduct and speaking to the executive
(33:25):
director of the National Police Accountability Project to get some
tips for how to know your rights and navigate interactions
with the police.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Here's a sneak peek.
Speaker 4 (33:36):
I don't think it's an option to say we just
have to deal with this, we just have to give up.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
People are suffering right now.
Speaker 4 (33:42):
People are dealing with police violence right now, and I
don't think it should happen to anybody else, and we
should stand by them and stand with them.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
The Girlfriend's Untouchable is produced by Novel for iHeart Podcast.
For more from Novel, visit novel dot Audio. This episode
was hosted by me Kadija Hardaway. It was written and
produced by Mohammed Ahmed. The editor is Joe Wheeler. The
researcher is Zaiyana YUSA. Production management from Sharie Houston and
(34:25):
Joe Savage. The fact checker is Vindo Fulton. Sound design,
mixing and scoring by Daniel Kinsen with additional engineering by
Nicholas Alexander, Music supervision by Refriro Masurura, Nicholas Alexander and
Joe Wheeler. Original music by Amanda Jones. The series artwork
(34:46):
was designed by Christina Limku, Novels Director of Development in
Selena Metta. Willard Foxton is Novels Creative Director of Development.
Max O'Brien and Craig Strackton are executive producers.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
For novel Kat and Nikki E.
Speaker 2 (35:01):
Tour are the executive producers for iHeart Podcasts, and the
marketing lead is Alison Cantour And a special thanks to
Carly Frankel and the whole team at w ME
Hi, it's Kadija.
Speaker 2 (00:02):
In this episode, we're going to explore what it's like
to be in a community healing and the aftermathter trauma.
We'll talk about our hosts for the future and show
how sisterhood can get us through the darkest moments of
our lives. But that conversation will include discussions of suicide, murder,
(00:23):
substance abuse, and sexual assault. This series is here to
offer tools and support to victims and their loved ones,
but please do keep in mind that we are not
mental health professionals. We would always encourage you to seek
out professional mental health support if you are struggling with
the issues we are discussing today. If you or someone
(00:46):
you love have been affected by any of the themes
that come up in this episode, we've left the links
in the description that offer resources and support, take care
of yourself. In this episode, we're talking about recovering from trauma,
whether you're seeking help for yourself or a loved one.
(01:09):
This episode is about sharing the twos to move forward
and how you can help those around you. In this series,
we've shared some of the darkest stories of our lives, violence,
police brutality, and a corrupt justice system. Have all contributed
to the trauma crisis in the city. We love Kansas City, Kansas,
(01:31):
but the pain runs deeper. We still live with the
legacy of Jim Crow. The past cast a long shadow.
Something I've learned over the years is that if you
don't work through your trauma, it can consume and destroy you.
But the girlfriends we met on this journey have never
stopped fighting, fighting to heal, and fighting for justice. There
(01:55):
have been inspiring women activists who have shown us the way,
like Bill Hooks, whose story reminds us healing is an
act of resistance. Now we're taking on that mantle and
inviting you to join us. I'm Kadida Heartaway from the Teens,
a novel, and iHeart podcasts. You're listening to the Girlfriends
(02:20):
Untouchable by Honest episode too, the Girlfriend's Guide to Healing
(02:41):
in the Aftermath of Trauma. I want to start this
conversation off with the reasons why it's so hard to
begin healing a lot of women who are traumatized don't
have the twos to recover. This is something that we've
(03:04):
witnessed all too much in our work at Justice for Wyandotte,
and it's something me and my girlfriend on this journey,
Nicki Richardson have discussed countless times. Nicki, you know, we
came together on this kind of like as a spark,
right to just glided together.
Speaker 1 (03:21):
That's exactly how it happened.
Speaker 2 (03:24):
We started out the idea that Wyandot County needed therapy
because that's what the crimes happened. By the time of
his death in December twenty twenty four, there had been
two convictions tied to Detective Roger Galuspi which had been overturned,
and as we're recording this, one hundred and fifty five
(03:44):
more cases are under review by the Kansas City, Kansas
Police Department. A twenty twenty three civil lawso claims Galusi
ran a such trafficking ring while on duty, raping and
coercing women. He was specific in who went after two.
Glusy's victims were overwhelmingly Black girls and women. Many black
(04:07):
women in Windock County continue to live in fear, and
decades of abuse still leaves a mark on the collected
lives of our community. Black residents are almost three times
more likely to be arrested for low level offenses than
white residents in Windock County. Additionally, black youth are three
times more likely to be arrested than white youth, with
(04:29):
revictimization a constant threat for so many of the women
in Windock County. Healing from past trauma is, to put
it bluntly, really hard.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
When you've had years and years and years of being exploited,
being overlooked, to nobody hearing your story. On top of
these systems in place that are supposed to be built
to protect you and just not doing it, the trust
breaks down. We've seen people who have resorted to substance abuse,
(04:59):
even if they gotten better, and then they get triggered
and they go right back into it. What we noticed
when we were trying to help people find their pathway
to healing and finding their pathway to justice was that
there were a lot of obstacles to just getting there.
So first was just simply recognizing that you have you
(05:23):
have a problem, and that these responses are tied to
your trauma. So accepting treatment is a big part of
accepting that you have a problem. Trauma has them in
such a space to where they can't get out of
bed in the morning, they can't even set up the appointment,
they can't function and so that is an uphill battle.
Speaker 1 (05:46):
The trauma leads to disease.
Speaker 3 (05:50):
Yeah, I mean your blood pressure is high, you're not
sleeping well, yeah, you're not sleeping well, you're in a
constant state of stress. Your body just starts breaking down.
Speaker 2 (06:05):
When it really comes to individuals that we advocate for,
I think being consistent in what we tell them helps
things resonate to a point where I can accept what
I've been through. People don't want to come out of
victim into survivor because you no longer have any excuses
(06:25):
why you can't change some of the things you want
or why you can't move towards And I'm not saying.
Speaker 3 (06:30):
That losing something too, you feel like you're losing the
right to help.
Speaker 2 (06:35):
The barriers that black women can face to helen are many.
The issues that get in the way range from denial
to depression to continue in trauma, and as Nikki just said,
people can become attached to the sympathy that comes with victimhood.
Even if a person gets to the point where they
overcome those hurdles and they come to us for help,
(06:57):
there are so many more challenges beyond Okay, you've accepted.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
And you want it and you're ready for it.
Speaker 3 (07:04):
Now we are running around trying to find the resources
because the uniqueness.
Speaker 1 (07:10):
And how we're set.
Speaker 3 (07:11):
Up and how we're set up. First of all, it
needs to be paid for. They're not going to usually
in a space to be able to afford their own therapy,
and then care sociality care associated with and then therapy availability.
There's just not a lot of therapists that are readily
available to deal with these immediate triod situations. And even
though when we tried to build networks, it's still a
(07:33):
tough battle. We wanted to make sure that we had
a place where they could feel safe, and so also
finding black women in therapy, you know, when you're getting
that niche, it makes it limited to the amount of
resources that you had.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
So one of the problems that we ran into is
just the emergency triage. In one situation, we had a
murder victim whose girlfriend was feeling suicidal. We went into
trying to find someone to help the young lady. What
we ran into was roadblocks everywhere. The bands were full.
In some points, we were building a strategy with the
(08:07):
people on the phone as if we were therapists ourselves,
and we just couldn't get the people help.
Speaker 3 (08:13):
In many cases, they would do that same thing with
us being a therapist. Well, you're capable can this particular situation.
I'm like, no, they're dealing with trauma and they need
actual resources. Right, There's definitely enough resources out there. There's
no reason why these women should have to ask for anything.
There were no resources for these women, nothing for them
(08:36):
to keep themselves up above water, right, sustain themselves. And
we're talking about in the areas of therapy, legal representation,
because it was hard for them to just keep a
job or occupation which nobody does its work, and to
keep without having some kind of like strife amongst themselves right,
(08:58):
Which for me when I talk about trauma, of course,
I've had run ins with the police and have dealt
with some issues with family that I just never really
got any help with. Running our non for profit, we
have worked with many women who are trying to get
that help and move forward with their lives. One of
(09:18):
the things we realize is, in the context of there
being so much hurt around us, we had to protect
ourselves first and look out for each other. It has
generally been through this process that I've understood what sisterhood means,
and not in just the most beautiful and positive sense,
but when it's hard and when it's difficult, and how
(09:41):
to love each other even in those tough moments when
you're going through trauma and grief and you're able to
look at each other and be able to see each
other and wipe each other's tears. That's what real sisterhood is.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
We find ourselves in these situations where we're trying to
balance people's trauma keep them at an even keel. Balancing that, Nikki,
I think was probably one of the most hardest things.
I don't think if I had not had you, if
I could not lean on you to tell you what
I was experiencing with each case and you help me
(10:17):
set up healthy boundaries and even give them healthy boundaries
to move forward, I don't think we would even be
in this space.
Speaker 3 (10:25):
Because you know, we're no good to anybody if we're
not taken care of to just start establishing those boundaries.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
I got a ton of calls, and it's just like,
I'm not Jesus baby, I'm not Moses.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
I can at all. I don't know what you want
me to do with all of this.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
How do you set these boundaries that don't retraumatize yourself
while you're trying to help other people. This brings me
to the sisterhood that we had to developed the protection
of one another. So what about the lessons we've learned
and how we've come to function and heal in this
difficult environment we've been in.
Speaker 3 (10:57):
There's a lot of trauma here that's creating an entire
barrier that makes it hard for even function to get
their own justice. You need to find something to root
yourself in for your healing. We're very much rooted in
our faith, and I think that is what's kept us strong.
If you need a therapist to help you with that journey,
seek therapy. If you need a church family to find
(11:20):
that journey, find a church family. And it's okay if
you can't move as fast as you want to move,
if you need a second, take that second. Get yourself
together and get yourself in a place to where you
can actually fight. But that's the other thing about trauma
and fear is that people don't seek out the knowledge
that they really need to take the next steps. For me,
(11:42):
it was very healing and therapeutic, even though I don't
have the justice at least I know the things that
they were gased like me about the laws. When I
talk about my church life, most of the ministries of
my church are psychiatrists, and I remember going through my
own situations and having sessions with my pastor to get
through and it was free of charge.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
So I was grateful for that.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Not everybody has those channels, right Yeah. Mine and Nikki's
work focuses on getting women their justice, and although the
trauma they experienced is something we deal with, it's not
our professional expertise with justice were wind out. We did
what we could, but there were limits on how we
(12:27):
could help when it comes to healing. The problems in
the community were massive, and with the challenges of getting
these women better to be honest, at times, we were
out of our depth. So I decided to reach out
to someone who could shed a light on the barriers
we face when it comes to healing in the many
ways to overcome them. That's coming up after the break.
(13:10):
Maisha Hill is a dedicated activist and Arthur fighting to
get black women into therapy and on their healing journeys.
Speaker 1 (13:18):
Maysha is nice to meet you.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
If you could just give us a little bit of
background on you.
Speaker 3 (13:25):
My background is just based rooted in my lived experience
as a mental health activist, as a guide, as a writer,
as someone who just shares the journey of life with
many people. I'm a former deacon and pastor. I just
preached occasionally.
Speaker 2 (13:42):
Bayisha is also the founder of Brown's Sister Speak, a
non for profit organization founded a decade ago offering mental
health empowerment and peer support to women of color. It
grew to become a platform for women of color to
support each other in their mental health and worse, to
get black women access to therapy. If anyone can share
(14:04):
some light on some of the barriers women face recovering
from trauma, it's going to be Mayesha.
Speaker 3 (14:10):
A lot of my work is the intersection of oppression
and liberation. First begin with brown Sister Speak, and that
was a project actually as part of my college course,
to have black women talk more openly about their mental health.
We talk as women about the importance of taking care
of our mental health, and that it just evolved over
(14:32):
time to me wanting to make therapy accessible, so raising
funds to pay for people to go to therapy, and
twenty twenty we raised so many funds for Brown Sister Speak.
At the time, we were able to send like fifty
people to therapy. We even had open mental health circles
called First Black Friday through the summer of twenty twenty
(14:53):
to help Black folks really have a space to process.
We started a community care campaign specifically for black folks.
Speaker 2 (15:00):
Do you think there is a space for healing in
this time? I mean like I feel like there's you
got to heal, But at the same time, you got
to figure out a strategy to beat everything that is
going on right now. We struggle before Trump got into
office with with trauma and mental health.
Speaker 3 (15:20):
So how do I navigate what's happening right now with
what healing truly looks like? And it's I remember when
the ancestors would gather together either on a weekday or
a weeknight, and they would come together and circle.
Speaker 2 (15:32):
That's the kind of sacred community space where people sit
together and talk our prey or take part in a
ceremony in order to help one another to heal.
Speaker 3 (15:44):
Peer support is one of the most overlooked mental health
practices that that's actually communal to Africa. So for me,
healing in this environment, we may have to go underground,
and we know how to survive what's coming because we've
been here before, and so how do we heal forward?
I think it really looks like us talking circles and
finding psychologists. So there's the Association of Black Psychologists and
(16:08):
also pulling together our money. If we have a black
therapist or black psychologists, we're paying for each other to
have access to mental health services. Even with peer support.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
We have people who have been severely abused, treated like
animals in dogs.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
These are the traumas of Wine Dot County. There are.
Speaker 2 (16:31):
Stories that would make you throw up after listening and
hearing the stories, and all of this is at the
hands of someone who is supposed to protect them, allegedly.
And so when we talk about sitting around in a circle,
what do we do for people like that who just
can't get that out of their mind? The only thing
that makes the function is medication.
Speaker 3 (16:53):
As someone who has similar deep traumas as you name
and have been medicated, the things that help me bring
me out of that darkness and off medication was community
and people point into me. Because we also can't do
this by ourselves, which is why circle is so important.
And it's also embodiment and somatic practices. So there's a yoga,
(17:13):
there's movement, there's dance. So much of that gets stolen
from you when you are assaulted, when you are a victim,
when someone's supposed to protect you and they cause harm
to you. So how do we help each other reclaim that?
And I think reclamation comes with a new circle of care,
and that care is around food and nutrition. I think
it's going to take a whole community of care model
(17:36):
to do that, to help people who have experienced that
level of trauma to get back to a sense of
reclaiming their own humanity. What worked in my journey changing
what we eat, what we put into our bodies. It's
going to take psycho therapy, which is one on one
therapy or group therapy. Does someone need medication and how
(17:57):
do you help them wean off medication right? And how
do they get in their bodies. I know it's possible
to help people be rehumanized.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
In as I listened to you, it sounds like and
I like to use the word utopia.
Speaker 3 (18:12):
Depending on the level of trauma, A circle's not going
to just help. I think the circle is where you
relate to your peers. You need more than a circle
when you're having repetitive thoughts of suicide, you know you
mean more than the circle when you're having nightmares about
the trauma that happened to you. I think the circles
are a definitely part of one's recovery process, and also
(18:34):
the severity of the trauma depends on how you would
curate your wellness action plan. They used to talk about
that when I was in the mental health hospital, like
you had to have a wellness recovery action plan before
they let you go. And that's language that I don't
know if we're using even in our own community. How
do you know when you need more than a group?
And how do we help each other remind each other
(18:55):
of that?
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Which leads me to talk about generational trauma. We once
steed a program called Jim Crow two point zero and
it was just basically like we never really left Jim Crow.
Do you not get where policing came from and where
we are now and why it looks the way it
looks like, I mean, come on, take the blinders off, right,
(19:16):
So let's talk a little bit about black trauma and
how we have I guess PTSD.
Speaker 3 (19:24):
One of the books that I really appreciate reading is
doctor Joy de Grew, and she talks about post traumatic
slave syndrome, and it basically comes from how a lot
of our trauma is rooted and from being enslaved, and
how we don't speak up right, We kind of sit
and watch idly by out of fear.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
I did want to touch a little bit more like
on this whole Jim Crow synopsis, because it looks like
we're going back that way we struggled before getting people
in the right resources. It makes me feel horrible to
know that there are a lot of stories out here
(20:03):
that I cannot help an individual because I don't have
the resources.
Speaker 3 (20:09):
It's hard to make those patterns because then you got
to think about money. Where's the money gonna come from?
Speaker 2 (20:13):
So?
Speaker 3 (20:13):
How can you change a sick environment when you're already
in it.
Speaker 2 (20:17):
The challenges Black people face around the nation are in
the bones of our system and our history. The environment
is sick, and for many of the people in our community,
we have turned that trauma in sickness and work blaming
ourselves in each other. Most people shy away from individuals
(20:38):
who have experienced that deep mental trauma because they don't
know what to do.
Speaker 3 (20:43):
I remember the first time that I thought about they
tell me I had depression, and I was like, that's
white people's stuff. Black people, we don't get depressed. What
is depression? I can pray it away. Every option that
was offered to me, I just kept saying, no, only
white people do that. And I think the stigma is
really rooted in that post traumatic slave syndrome of being
resilient as a people, being a strong black woman, which
is a stereotype, and not wanting to ask for help
(21:05):
or support because you think you can hold it all together.
And I think over the last few years, I've slowly
seen the stigma kind of slowly subside. You know, we
have therapy for black girls, we have therapy for black men,
and I think given ourselves permission to say but I'm
not okay and challenging every norm that says that you
have to be.
Speaker 2 (21:26):
Thank God, those stereotypes are fading. So much of what
Mayosha had to say resonates with me. What we have
been dealing with in Kansas City, Kansas isn't just a
truly shocking case of injustice, but historic and economic issues
as well, which deepened the challenges we as a community
face for many, they never find their way to recovery.
(21:50):
With these individuals, we also need to show them love
and understanding. It's sad that they face so many obstacles
to just living a normal life, the fycles of perpetuating
the same thing over and over. It's just interesting the
compounding of this and how those cycles just don't seem
to be able to be broken.
Speaker 1 (22:11):
So if an.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
Individual is really trying to get some help, how do
they remove themselves from the environment that they know so
well every day?
Speaker 1 (22:22):
In order to.
Speaker 3 (22:23):
Make that happen, I think to get out of that environment,
we all have to consider choice, like what can I
choose to do? How do I what choices do I have?
My therapist had me do a genogram, which is basically
this chart where you track all your generational behaviors and
your whole bloodline and you're able to visually see where
the trauma can start with you. One day, I just
(22:45):
woke up and said, I got to stop. This has
to stop with me. I don't want my daughter to
be a single mom. I see eight generations of single parents.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
It's hard to take control when your trauma has put
you in the position of a victim and taking all
your power away. But we have to look for ways
to confront our pain and move on. For example, the
geniogram maps out generational trauma over one hundred years. This
is a great way to show a victim that their
pain won't go away if they ignore it. Thevery wasn't
(23:19):
a solution for Black people in the past. People like
ma Issua are working to make it more available, but it's.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Still not that accessible.
Speaker 2 (23:29):
And days gone by the churches where people went for
healing and support in a crisis. I wanted to speak
to Mayisha about how this cornerstone institution of the black
community is walking with this flock and their journeys to healing.
After the break, We're going to look at the role
the church can play and healing our wounds, where their
(23:52):
limits are, and how to avoid retraumatizing yourself by sharing
your stories. I'm a Christian and an active member of
(24:22):
my church. The church has supported me and sustained me
through rough times, but we have to be critical of
the main institutions in our communities and push them to
serve the flock better. I've seen improvements come in the church,
but it has a huge role to play and heal
in the community. So if it doesn't take that role seriously,
(24:42):
it could end up doing more harm than good when
it comes to mental health, particularly people in urban cores.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
How do you feel like the church.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Do you think they help or do you think that
they create more anguish.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
I've seen church is that have a special fund in
their church where their fund is just dedicated to mental
health and supporting members who need mental health services in
their church. When the church partners with their local health
department because their health department can actually send teams out
to talk about mental health, that works. Then I'm seeing
churches that think that just laying the hands on somebody
(25:19):
is gonna heal them.
Speaker 2 (25:21):
So how would an individual set up some healthy boundaries
when it comes to participating in what we call church healing.
Speaker 3 (25:31):
I love what you're asking. I think a person has
to set their own boundaries and know that the church
should not have power over them. If I know that
a pastor says to me, I'm gonna lay hands on
you and heals you, is gonna retraumatize and retrigger me,
because in the past that's never worked. I need to
write a letter to the deacon and elden board and
say hey, it's a boundary for me.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Setting boundaries and understanding the limits of what can work
for us on our healing journey is crucial. Telling your
story can be powerful, but too much of it can
be triggering. One of the key areas we focus on
is ensuring the welfare of the women we advocate for
at Justice for Wyandotte, I protected them from being exploited.
(26:15):
When it comes to participating in church healing, it's not
the same. And even in when you're sitting in a circle,
there needs to be a healthy dose of what I
can take and what I can't take. We have a
thing where you don't need to tell your story but
once or twice, and that's it, because we believe telling
(26:36):
your story over and over re traumatizes you. People want help,
they want relief, they want justice, and so they feel
compelled to tell these stories. But at the end of
the day, it's tearing them apart. And in most cases,
these church leaders are at the forefront of the fight
for justice. How do we balance what the church can
(26:58):
provide in those healthy boundaries.
Speaker 3 (27:00):
For me, it would be explicitly knowing what my boundaries
are in the church and excusing myself when those boundaries
are gonna be crossed. What is a boundary violation around
my mental health? How do we hold the church accountable?
Another thing, if you're in a circle and your circle
doesn't have agreements of how y'all show up together, you're
not in the right circle. If you're in a circle
and they're making you tell your story over and over again,
(27:23):
that's not the right circle. So when I lead circle,
it's we're gonna write your story, We're gonna speak your story.
Then we're gonna rewrite a new story. Circle should always
be for me, empowering you not to live out that
old story and rewriting a new one. What I also
learned was like having that faith in myself and the
power of affirmation allowed me to take steps forward to
(27:43):
want to heal on an even deeper level. It empowered
me to stop looking for someone to come and save
me or rescue me. It actually gave me the power
to believe in myself and the higher power God or
if maybe some people don't have that, but it allowed
me to believe that healing growth was possible. But it
starts with me, and I have to take responsibility for that.
(28:04):
Even in the darkest circumstance.
Speaker 2 (28:07):
As unfair is in my sound. I agree with Maysha. Ultimately,
no one but you can start your healing journey. You
have to find the strength to affirm yourself. When you
do this, you'll find others stepping up to support you.
I think that Maysha's message is hopeful and it taps
into something NICKI and I have believed in with our
(28:29):
own work. When a victim takes those bow steps towards
healing and recovery, I imagine it would be useful to
know the signs of progress, So I put that question
to Mayusha when we talked.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
For me, progress looks like setting goals with someone and
then we usually do like one life goal. I'll use
a person who is married and is learning how to
have goals for herself. So she'll have a goal for
her life and it go for her marriage, and over
a ninety day period, we'll check in about the goal.
We'll talk about communication styles, we'll talk about how she's
(29:02):
prioritizing herself in her marriage, and then how she's prioritizing
her partner. We'll just do a constant reporting and a
check in, and usually within a ninety day period, I'm
able to see people who are not able to set
boundaries and not able to speak for themselves, set boundaries
and start to speak for themselves. There are some women
that I've worked with for over five years that when
you go back to who they used to be, which
(29:23):
was very passive and feeling a sense of hopelessness, they're
learning to find more joy in their life. They're learning
to have their own boundaries and then speak up when
their boundaries are violated.
Speaker 2 (29:35):
I recognize what Mayesha is saying in the healing journeys
of the many women I.
Speaker 1 (29:39):
Have been involved with.
Speaker 2 (29:41):
We have to build up those resources of self respect,
self worth, boundaries, and self love. Once we've built we
move to maintaining those elements. Even something as simple as
gardening can be a part of the healing process, and
it's something that Mayesha encourages to.
Speaker 1 (30:00):
My mom had a garden. She love gardeners.
Speaker 2 (30:03):
You name the flowers, name this, this is what this does,
and this is how it's going to bear fruit in
this time of the year. And so I understand the
importance of food from the ground. Do you think the
experience of like gardening and that bringing that into the
fold of a circle where people actually touching the earth
(30:24):
and touching each other.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Food relates to that.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
How do we get people in a mindset that they
understand that urban gardening and farming is an easy aspect
and an easy economic way to get there.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
When it comes to your health.
Speaker 3 (30:43):
You are going to need to connect to the earth.
You may need meditation and yoga and breathwork. You may
need a nutrition is to help us get eat really
good foods that will clear our minds. You may need
a holistic practitioner who can come in and tell you
what vitamins and supplements to take. You may need a
movement specialist. It's a whole community systems approach so that
the community can move towards healing and possibility. You have
(31:05):
to empower yourself and then find the support that you
need and ask for that help.
Speaker 1 (31:10):
You don't have to do it by yourself.
Speaker 3 (31:12):
I'm suggesting the circle and the food and the somatics
and getting your hands in the dirt. What I know
from history is that those of us who stay in
our imagination and dream and create, even in this system
of dysfunction, healing is possible. Healing is a lifelong journey
You're never fully healed, you're always becoming. Let's say your
(31:33):
first trauma was at five years old and you've been
living it with it, and now you're forty five. You
can't unlearn forty five years of trauma in like one
year or two years. It takes a constant practice because
you have to reaffirm those behaviors, unlearn, and relearn. And
it is just a marathon, not a sprint, because your
trauma will show up. It's how you react and respond
(31:53):
to it that makes the biggest difference.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
I want to thank you for your insight and your contributions.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and offering such powerful
tools for understanding how we can start to heal. Your
work is truly a gift for this community. My issue
is a part of a generation of women who have
(32:20):
given Black women more tools and more choices to get better.
This generation of women have been truly courageous and blazed
to trail. I hope you can take something from her
wise words and this girlfriend's guy. I wanted to touch
on multiple paths for healing for you listeners. I wanted
(32:41):
you to know that there are so many roads to
healing and ways to overcome. While the pain is real,
so is the possibility of healing. Not every solution will
work for everyone, but there are tools and help available.
Our communities have endorsed so much, but we also have
(33:02):
the strength to heal and grow. Let's take this journey together.
In the next episode of The Girlfriends Untouchable, Nikki will
be diving into police misconduct and speaking to the executive
(33:25):
director of the National Police Accountability Project to get some
tips for how to know your rights and navigate interactions
with the police.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
Here's a sneak peek.
Speaker 4 (33:36):
I don't think it's an option to say we just
have to deal with this, we just have to give up.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
People are suffering right now.
Speaker 4 (33:42):
People are dealing with police violence right now, and I
don't think it should happen to anybody else, and we
should stand by them and stand with them.
Speaker 2 (34:05):
The Girlfriend's Untouchable is produced by Novel for iHeart Podcast.
For more from Novel, visit novel dot Audio. This episode
was hosted by me Kadija Hardaway. It was written and
produced by Mohammed Ahmed. The editor is Joe Wheeler. The
researcher is Zaiyana YUSA. Production management from Sharie Houston and
(34:25):
Joe Savage. The fact checker is Vindo Fulton. Sound design,
mixing and scoring by Daniel Kinsen with additional engineering by
Nicholas Alexander, Music supervision by Refriro Masurura, Nicholas Alexander and
Joe Wheeler. Original music by Amanda Jones. The series artwork
(34:46):
was designed by Christina Limku, Novels Director of Development in
Selena Metta. Willard Foxton is Novels Creative Director of Development.
Max O'Brien and Craig Strackton are executive producers.
Speaker 1 (34:58):
For novel Kat and Nikki E.
Speaker 2 (35:01):
Tour are the executive producers for iHeart Podcasts, and the
marketing lead is Alison Cantour And a special thanks to
Carly Frankel and the whole team at w ME
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