The Power of Bad

We often let bad events blot out good ones, but a simple approach can help you keep a better perspective

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to the Gratitude Diaries, a production of My Heart Radio.
I am Janice Kaplan. Thanks for joining me for more
practical advice on how to be happier. Today's tip don't
get overwhelmed when you hear a negative comment. Just try

(00:22):
to put it in perspective. Most of us assume that
we're pretty rational in being able to hear both praise
and criticism, but it turns out that we're all affected
by what psychologists call the negativity bias, which means that
we often let bad events blot out good ones. A

(00:43):
famous paper about this was written in two thousand one
by the psychologist Roy Baumeister, and it was titled Simply
Bad is Stronger than Good. It's one of the most
cited papers in the social sciences now. He showed that
in every day of ends, we are more likely to
be influenced by bad situations than good ones, whether in

(01:05):
romance or business, losses hit us more powerfully than gains.
Beaumeister and writer John Tierney recently published a wonderful follow
up book on the subject called The Power of Bad.
I've known John Tierney for many years, and he's a
smart and original writer and thinker. We had lunch one

(01:26):
day when he was first starting on the book, and
I suggested that maybe he should think more positively and
call it the power of good. John appropriately explained that
he couldn't do that, because the whole point was to
explain the negativity bias that affects all of us. Is hope, though,
was that by recognizing the power of bad, we could

(01:48):
start to overcome it and yes, see the power of good.
One of the very interesting insights in the book is
what Tierney and Beaumeister call the rule of four. They've
discovered that it takes roughly four good things to overcome
one bad thing. Tierney suggests keeping that four to one

(02:09):
ratio in mind in all sorts of situations. If you've
made a faux paw in a romantic relationship, he says,
one bouquet of flowers isn't going to make up for it.
You don't necessarily have to send four bouquets, but do
realize that you'll need to make some additional amends. Similarly,

(02:29):
if you're late for one meeting at work, being early
the next time won't make everyone forget. Maybe you need
to be early the next four times to get back
your reputation. When bosses are giving evaluations, they sometimes assume
that one criticism is balanced by one compliment, but it's not.

(02:50):
We tend to remember negative comments far more than positive
ones and to over emphasize them. Recognizing the imbalanced experience
between the positive and negative events in your life is
all the more reason to try to bring some gratitude
into the equation. As John Tierney says, you can't repeal

(03:12):
the rule of four because those bad events just have
more visceral impact. But you can learn to recognize how
they're affecting you and then try to use gratitude to
change the perspective. A friend of mine who's a best
selling writer, gets hundreds of reader reviews on his books.
His latest book is already at the top of the

(03:34):
Amazon charts, but he called me one day to talk
about a couple of snitty reviews that had appeared. They
were upsetting him far more than the positive reviews were
making him happy. I understood, because all of us would
feel the same way. Oscar winning movie director Lee Daniels
has said that even when he reads a rave review

(03:57):
of his work, he will obsess about one single sentence
of criticism He said, it's like taking a knife and
stabbing you in the heart over and over again. I
suggested to my writer friend that he reread some of
the positive comments and try to focus on those. Our

(04:18):
instinct is often to fight back against the negative. Instead,
see if there's anything constructive to take from the criticism,
and then just move on. Take some time to express
gratitude to the people who said something nice, who saw
you in a positive light. Let yourself dwell on the
positive and be grateful for the people who do appreciate

(04:40):
your work. I told my friend that if Shakespeare is
checking his Amazon reviews, I hope he's not too upset. Yes,
even Hamlet comes in for some complaints and one star ratings.
John Tierney says that you should use the rule of
four to be a little kinder to yourself too. If
you're trying to exercise more or eat better. It's okay

(05:04):
to have one bad day if you balance it with
several good ones. And if your Monday through Thursday at
your job is okay, and then you have a terrible Friday,
remind yourself that on balance you're doing just fine. Don't
let the one bad day wipe out the good feelings.
From the happier ones. So today, think about the rule

(05:27):
of four and try to let gratitude change your perspective
and help you fight the negativity bias. Thanks for joining me.
I'll be back with more ideas on how to add
gratitude to your life than make every day a little brighter,
have a great day. The Gratitude Diaries is a production

(05:48):
of I heart Radio. For more podcasts from I heart Radio,
visit the i heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever
you get your favorite shows.