February 14, 2025 • 34 mins
Upon spotting a doppelganger of Santi on Meddle, Damian orchestrates a “study date” in hopes of discovering a connection to Santi. But, as so often they do, Damian’s neuroses prove this to be a challenge.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Hookup is a production of iHeart Podcasts, Blumbhouse Television,
and Amber twenty. Listener discretion is totally advised. When I
was little, my parents loved telling the story of my
first ultrasound. My mother would recall eagerly waiting for the
obgyn to turn the monitor so she could get a
(00:21):
first look at a fetal young Damien. To my parents'
surprise and endless amusement for years to come, the ultrasound
revealed me not in the typical anterior or posterior fetal position,
but rather on all fours.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
You know, our boy Damien was born doggy style.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
My father cackled joyously at my third grade orientation.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
He was on all fours in utero and he's been
that way ever since.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
My mother teased to the Crustwick University tour guide. It
didn't bother me when I was young, because I didn't
really understand the implication.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
The implication that you like taking it from behind on
all fours.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Uh, this would be Santy. Usually throwing up on someone
and passing out in their dorm ends a relationship quicker
than you can say, is he breathing? But Santy was different.
The next morning he asked me to brunch at the
campus dining hall. No, not that implication. Well yeah, okay,
that too. But what mainly bothered me as I got
(01:26):
older was the idea that it made me like subordinate
number two, as if I'm like physically predisposed to being
on all fours. Santy narrows his eyes, and I know
what's coming next. He's about to ask me if the
prophecy came true, whether I am in fact a bottom,
(01:48):
and I just can't with the whole top or bottom
of question right now, because then I'll have to tell
him that it's none of the above that I've never
done either.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
But to my surprise, noted, we'll have to explore further
next time you come over.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Sing to this guy. I mean, I could just sit
here for hours watching him eat his shrimp fried rice. Shrimps.
Don't know how lucky they are, what you think because
you spent a whole meal swipe on me that I'm
just gonna put out.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I don't know what to expect from me, Damien. I
don't know anything about you.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Ignorance is bliss, Okay, what do you want to know?
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Where are you from?
Speaker 1 (02:31):
New York? Little suburb outside in WYC.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Did you spend a lot of time in the city?
Kind of?
Speaker 1 (02:37):
I mean I ran a Twitter account of different rats
I saw on the subways, so I guess.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Oh, that's a niche.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
I know, I know. Rats aren't the most beloved of
God's gentle creatures. The plague was kind of a pr
nightmare in that sense.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
But can I guess? Can can I guess why you
like rats? Okay, well, let's see. I want to say
Damien likes rats because they're often underestimated and can fly
under the radar. But you don't seem like a count
a dog person. You probably had weird pets growing up
(03:14):
as a kid, like rats, and they don't live very long,
so you never risked forming an actual bond and then
losing something you cared about. How'd I do?
Speaker 1 (03:27):
I was gonna say I like rats because they're cute
and the hairless ones look like aliens.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
Well, either way, we have lab rats over in the
science building. Should you ever want to reboot.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
The account science building? A what's your major?
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Chemistry? Can you feel it?
Speaker 1 (03:48):
And now Santy's grinning at me, amused and in control
number one? That was a good one, Santi.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Thanks just testing it.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Out, testing me like a labyrinth number two, But.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Don't change the subject. I want to learn about you.
What makes Damien Hurst tick?
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Mainly my ocd Oh, come on, that was funny.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Marginally, but I feel like you're using humor.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
To deflect deflect me.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Fum what talking about yourself? Opening up?
Speaker 1 (04:33):
Not true? Not true? Ask away? Not only will I
open up, I'll even say, uh.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Do you have a boyfriend?
Speaker 1 (04:41):
Yes, but we have an arrangement about passing out in
other guy's bed, so it's totally cool. Damien, No, no boyfriend?
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Have you ever had one?
Speaker 1 (04:51):
No? No boyfriend?
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Have you ever been with a guy.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
I've hooked up with guys.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Yes, sex though, have you ever gone all the way?
Speaker 1 (05:05):
He smells blood? No, no, Santy takes a sip of juice,
eyes never leaving me, and then finally he gives me
the tiniest smile and says.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Cool, cool.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
I think that's a good response, to be fair, I
don't really know what the ideal reply would even be.
I guess cool is better than.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Lucky for you. I've got a green thumb. Want to
get your petals plucked? Or fuck? Yeah till marriage?
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Is there anything else? Inquisitor?
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Yeah, one more question, Why did you let me go?
Speaker 1 (05:51):
What? Santy? What's going on? Whoa put down the fork?
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Why you.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
He presses his thumb against the head of his fork,
skewing himself on the times there's bloods like all over
his shrimp. Now, Santi, what.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Do you want you?
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Yeah? That was the catch with Santy total package, except
sometimes he channels Satan and impale himself on cutlery. And
also where does he get off accusing me of using
humor to deflect ten thirty ten thirty fucking Santy dreams?
(07:03):
See between us ethically raised free range chickens. My classwork
has kind of fallen to the wayside since Santy disappeared
the way way aside.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
Your grades have dropped severely.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
The Dean so keenly observed during our mandatory goals and
progress check in the other day.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
If you don't turn things around, we may have to
re examine your standing here at Krestwick.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
I get where she's coming from. I do, but I'm
paying tuition, So what's it to her if I don't
ace my exams or pass my exams or show up
for them.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
I understand you were present at the time of your
friends disappearance last year. Have you seen one of our
on campus counselors.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
I have my own psychiatrist, thinks. I do see doctor
Andrea Wiley every Wednesday and give her the rundown on
my week. You know how I'm feeling, who's wronged me?
Trying to get her to laugh at my jokes, therapy stuff.
What I don't mention to doctor Wiley is the Santy situation.
It just seems like such a can of worms, you know,
(08:11):
slimy worms that'll make me answer tough questions and dig
uncomfortably deep. No thanks, Besides, who needs therapy when you
have metal? The gaze of Ludlow County ask more than
enough uncomfortable questions like hey man, you pick? Do you
like feet?
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Or hey feet?
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Still, the trickiest questions setting in my metal inbox would
have to be the one for my current and only
lead in Santy's disappearance, the Ludlow Lodge bell Boy. Now
that his hotel of former employment has been turned into
an apartment complex, I can't figure out why he was
hanging around there last night. Factor in his cryptic metal
chat and proximity to Santy the night he disappeared, I'd
(08:57):
consider him a bonafide suspect. But what was his message?
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Hey? Man, what are you into?
Speaker 1 (09:04):
I have the hookup? I need to play this carefully,
the exact right phrasing, the exact right words, to make
sure this lead doesn't slip away. Hi, Hey, what are
you looking for? I'm not sure, really open to trying
new things fire. Have you tried the hookup?
Speaker 2 (09:28):
No?
Speaker 1 (09:28):
What is that? Do you mean like hooking up?
Speaker 2 (09:31):
You into group play?
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Oh? That took a turn group play? I mean, I
can't even fathom how exhausting that internal ranch is going
to be. Not expressly no either, only looking for threesomes
right now? Ah? Shit, Well I learned the bell boy
(09:54):
likes threesomes. That's something right. I swiped a close out
of Metal, but something catches my eye A profile with
the picture of Santi. The photo is foggy, a bathroom
mirror selfie, focused more on torso than head. But I'd
recognize that face anywhere. That's what I dream about after all.
(10:18):
Without thinking, I message him. Hey, Logically, I know this
is probably just some guy catfishing with the photo of Santy,
But what if it's really him? The username isn't much help.
It's just the letter M could be short for murderer.
Comma Santy's damien. He knows my name.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Shouldn't you be in class right now?
Speaker 1 (10:44):
He knows my schedule? Uh? Who is this.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Mateo from two oh six Ethics and Journalism?
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Ironic the class I'm currently missing. His name doesn't ring
a bell though, to be I've hardly attended that class,
so why would it. Santy himself could be the TA
and I wouldn't have noticed. Uh, matteo right, Sorry, I
have trouble learning everyone's names in these big lectures. Ha ha ha.
(11:14):
This doesn't make any sense. If this guy really is
Mateo from Ethics and Journalism, that means he's messaging me
on metal from class right now. Even I don't do that.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Maybe if you were in class right now, you'd know
more names?
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Whoa he really is in my class? Also kind of
an aggressive thing to say, right, Oh, winky face, it's fine.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Why don't you come over to my dorm tonight and
I can fill you in on what you missed today.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
I mean, as much as I want to figure out
why this person is using a photo of Santy, his
proposal doesn't not seem dangerous, But I mean with the
bellboy trail cooling down. This Mateo guy is the clue.
This thing I have to a new lead, and I
wouldn't even have to leave campus. I'd just be going
over to his dorm. What could go wrong? I'm just
(12:11):
gonna see who the catfish really is then bounce easy? Hey, hey,
not easy? Not easy. I don't understand. Mateo wasn't using
a photo of Santy. Mateo is Santy? Uh?
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Mateo?
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Is this real? He has the same bushy eyebrows, the
same barely noticeable gap in his front teeth, the adorable
little ears that stick out. It's a little further than normal.
The eyes are wrong, though not wrong, just not Santy's.
And they're lighter too. You know, like that TikTok filter
that makes your eyes glow, but you don't use it
(12:50):
because the whole thing feels a little rian.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
You good? Hi?
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Yeah? Sorry? You just you look a lot like someone
I know.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
I heard the scene Doppelgangers as an omen You're gonna
die soon?
Speaker 1 (13:04):
What really?
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Nah? If anything, it just means that you think all
brown folk look alike.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
No, I come in sensory overload. The room's clean and tasteful,
but not without its charm, which I guess you could
say about Mateo too, his low neck tank and rolled
up short shorts or lax hook up attire, and yet
there's something magnetic about him?
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Was he hot? H the person I remind you of? Actually,
you know what? Scratch that I don't want to know.
Whenever people say that, they end up showing you a
photo of the person you allegedly resemble, and it always
looks like one of the decomposing muppets from Labyrinth.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Yeah, is that not your type? Sandy grint? Matteo grins
at me and I melt I've missed that smile.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
Did you bring your book? My book, your text book
two oh six Ethics and Journalism?
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Yeah? That one negative I seem to have forgotten.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Oh, no, worries, we can share.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Okay, Hold up? What is this like? Why does Mateo
think I'm here? I assumed the study date bit was
just a pickup line, but it seems like Mateo actually
intends to study, which can only mean one thing. Hits
time for the hottest new game show sweeping the nation,
study date or date dating. We've secured a panel of
(14:34):
leading experts to help decipher whether Tonight's rendezvous is about
coursework or coitus?
Speaker 2 (14:39):
You want something to drake?
Speaker 1 (14:41):
Sure? Yeah? Thanks? All right? Any early thoughts from our
panel study date versus date date inconclusive.
Speaker 4 (14:48):
Meeting on metal would normally signify sexual intent, but the
fact that he expected you to bring your textbook raises questions.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Yes, yes, the one is a point in the date
date column. Ah, but it's still too early to call
got it? Thanks?
Speaker 2 (15:04):
What shit?
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Did I say that out loud?
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Did you say what out loud?
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Fuck? I just meant thanks for the wine, That's what
I meant.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Oh. Sure, so you've been sick lately? What I just
figured since you've been missing class a lot?
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Oh? Yes, I'm terribly ill. I do hear consumption is
making a comeback. Actually, so.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Jesus.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
But I'm feeling a lot better now though.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Glad to hear it. I hope you're not still contagious.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
As he says that, he flashes me this impish grin,
And I don't exactly know what makes a grin impish,
but this one was certifiable experts. The impish grins are
an indisputable point, and the date date column agreed. That's
just science. Now's your chance. Go for the cold my
chance for what. I can't actually like do anything with him.
(16:08):
It's too weird and yet well things santy again is
all I think about. Fuck it, I choose date date,
final answer.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Whoa, oh hey shit, Oh my god, I am so sad.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
This whole situation. Panel of experts, please advise. Oh dear,
it appears that if my cats wrong and my kitchen.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
Is on fire, I have to run it. And I
just remembered that I'm late for my court date.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
What no, no, no, no, both of you come back right now.
Goddamn sh uh matteo. I okay, I didn't realize this
was like actually a study date. I mean I thought,
because of the wine and the impish smile that you
were trying to like, you know what, I am just gonna.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Go, Hey, slow down, speed racer, come back here. You're right,
I didn't just invite you over to study. I mean, hello,
we met on metal. Obviously I'm into you.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Oh okay, so then why aren't.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
We Because I met you three minutes ago. You really
cut to the chase.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Well, yeah, I mean, isn't that what a hookup is?
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Sure? If you use cheap sex to fill the void
of utter self, low of being devouring you from the
inside out. But if you're a normal person, you can
have a drink before unleashing your bstiary of STDs.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Okay, so in the spirit of impartiality, I should mention
that's not verbatim what Matteo said, but that's how it felt.
He was being way judgy. But if you must know,
here's how it actually played out. Well, yeah, I mean,
isn't that what a hookup is sometimes?
Speaker 2 (18:01):
But it doesn't always have to be so clinical. You
can have a drink first, get to know the other guy.
It can be chill.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
See the bastiari of STD's thing was obvious subtext.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
So while yes, I want to be on top of
you tearing your clothes off, I think we both deserve
to know each other a little better.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
First, I flinch at the part about him being on
top of me. It's the implication he's number one. Sure,
I've been on the bottom before at this point, just
ask Big Top. But it's different with Matteo. He's a peer,
my age, a part of my actual world, not just
my sex world. It wouldn't just be one and done.
(18:43):
He'd always have that over me.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
So in the spirit of getting to know one another.
Let's order food. How's tie sound cool?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
I can place it shrimp fried rice for you? Right?
Speaker 2 (18:57):
What?
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Ah shit? Know those moments when you're talking with your
missing lovers doppelganger and you forget it's not actually them
and assume they like the same foods. I meant the
shrimp fried rice appears to be discounted tonight. In case
that's what you In case that's what you want. For
someone who lies NonStop, I could really stand to be
better at it.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
I'm sure it's discounted for a reason. So that's a
past for me.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Is that incense?
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Yeah? Do you mind sandal? Would Japanese monks believe that
incense had the power to cleanse body and mind, purifying
us of uncleanliness?
Speaker 1 (19:40):
And do you feel cleansed? Not? Really?
Speaker 2 (19:45):
It relaxes me though. They say aromatherapy can cure all
sorts of ailments, chronic pain, anxiety, depression.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Wonderful. I'll just tell doctor Wiley to cancel my prescriptions.
I don't know. Seems like kind of a lot of
transformative power for an inhalent.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
Do you trust me?
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Trust? Another word for submit. Trusting someone with your secrets
is no different than handing them the bullets to use
against you. I watched the next Seum doc. I know
how collateral works, uh, I think, so.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
Then tell me why you've really been missing class lately.
Something's obviously up with you. I mean you checked to
make sure you aren't being followed when I let you in.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
He's not wrong. There was that tiny issue of the
guy's talking me outside Big Tops apartment the other night,
and well, it's possible I was overreacting and the guy
wasn't actually chasing me. I just can't shake the image
of that ugly, pink and mustard hoodie.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Come on, you can trust me.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
There's that smile again. And maybe it's because he looks
so much like Santi. Maybe it's the wine. Maybe it's
just been really long since I've trusted someone. But in
this moment, I think I do trust Matteo. Maybe not wholeheartedly,
but enough to spill it, like all of it. I
(21:14):
tell Matteo about Santy the night he went missing Big
Top Bell Boy, and Matteo just listens. I can't tell
you how good that feels. Although I do leave out
the doppelganger's bit, no need to muddy those waters. And
then after mentioning something called the hookup. The bell boy
said he only wanted threesomes and stopped responding.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Wow, that's a lot to take in. Okay, one second,
you were right about it being complicated. This is all
a bit more than I bargained for when I invited
you over.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
And it's too much baggage. And you're afraid my curse
will rub off on you.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
I get it. Will you stop doing that? Quit deciding
how other people feel about you. Yes, this is a lot.
You're a lot, but I like that. It's real. You're
deep and layered, and and you piqued my interests. Not
a lot of guys can do.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
That instinctively and totally against my will. My eyes drift
downwards and oh, yes, his interest is.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Peaud you're an enigma?
Speaker 1 (22:29):
What like like the thing you used to clean out
your butt?
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Enigma? Not anema?
Speaker 1 (22:37):
Oh okay, Uh yeah, I knew that. Okay, Dawn, keep
validating me.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
You're an enigma, Damian, and I want to explore your
brain and your body.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
He tastes different than Santy. Pretty quickly we're on his bed,
sure it's coming off. His music plays softly, and the
standal would smell sweet. The moment is warm and dim
and playful, and I kind of never wanted to end,
but I know what's coming. The four play timers running down,
and the question is nigh top or bottom?
Speaker 2 (23:12):
And then, like clockwork, I am have an enigma in
the shower. If you want to.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Yeah, so about that? Oh good grief, Damien just say
you don't want a bottom? Be direct? Is that really
too much to ask of myself? See as it relates
to the conundrum of say the intercourse? Apparently, yes, Okay,
here's the thing. When I was in fifth grade, another
kid named Damien moves to town, Damien Stafford, So you
(23:46):
know I was Damien H and he was Damien S.
Makes sense, it does, except that's not really how it
played out. See, everyone got on board with calling me
Damien H. But that fucker just got to be Damien
no initial and me crazy. I was here first. If anything,
I'm Damien and he's Damien S. But he was popular
(24:06):
and douchey and didn't cry all the time, so he
got to be Damian Alpha. Do you get what I'm saying?
Speaker 2 (24:15):
So the other Damien tried to fuck you from behind?
Speaker 1 (24:20):
What? No, what were you even listening? I'm saying I
don't want to be Damian Beta, But.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Why would you be Damian Beta? Wouldn't you both just
be Damien's.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
Oh my god, I tell you you're not paying attention.
Damien s is gay, which is bad. Yes, because he's
at the total top.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
So he did try to fuck you from behind?
Speaker 1 (24:42):
Where are you getting this? No, Damian Stafford never tried
to fuck me from behind?
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Then how do you know he's the top because of
the top vibes?
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Man? I?
Speaker 2 (24:51):
Okay, Jesus wow. I think that's where the issue begins.
You can't know if someone's a top or bottom based
on whether or not he acts like Damien Alpha or
Damien Beta. This analogy is confusing me.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
Yeah, me too. But hey, can you turn on the
light for a minute?
Speaker 2 (25:11):
Are you okay?
Speaker 1 (25:12):
Yeah? Just turn it on?
Speaker 2 (25:15):
What are you doing?
Speaker 1 (25:17):
Pink and Mustard Matteo? Why do you have the hoodie
that my stalker was wearing? Why do you have the
hoodie that my stalker was wearing? WHOA, it's you. You
were the one following me last night.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
What are you talking about this hoodie?
Speaker 1 (25:39):
You were wearing it when you came after me.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
I didn't come after don't touch me.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
I jumped for the broken wine glass and hold it
out as if that's going to protect me. I already
gave him the bullets.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Whoa damien, You need to chill? Who's that.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
Ow? Come man? Huh the hook man? You don't know
that story about the couple making out in their van
and then the boyfriend leaves to go get condoms or
something I don't know. And then while he's gone, the
girl here's a radio bulletin about a hook and.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
It's serial killer has escaped the local sanitarium.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
And then she hears a hook scratching against the rear
door of the van, just like.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
There are no hook people in Belmont Hall. Still, you
should come away from.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
The window well over there so you can garrot me.
I'll take the hook.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
Thanks.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
I lower to the ground out of sight from the window. Yes,
I'm on all fours, and no, I don't want to
hear about it.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
My god, dam you. Look look at the words on
the back of the hoodie Crestwick Crustaceans. It's the bad
mitten club jacket. Tons of kids have them.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
It's true, Crestwick does have a weirdly large bad mitton presence.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
There are almost two hundred kids in the Bad and Club.
The odds that I was the one chasing you last
night are literally half a percent. Think about it. Trust me?
Speaker 1 (27:09):
Trust him? What a joke. I'm not wired that way.
Why did I fight my nature tonight looking for reasons
to trust this stranger? You know who? The last guy
I trusted is.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Me?
Speaker 1 (27:21):
Neither?
Speaker 2 (27:22):
Just put down the flash, just to put.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Down the glass?
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Where?
Speaker 1 (27:25):
Like, what's your final piece of control?
Speaker 2 (27:28):
That is top vibes? Top vibes isn't a thing?
Speaker 1 (27:31):
It is too Top vibes is deciding to order tai
food without consulting the other person and then going back
and forth for like fifteen minutes, pretending nobody has a
cuisine preference.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
Damien, are you? Are you upset because you think I'm
a top?
Speaker 1 (27:46):
I'm upset because I think I'm a fun of person.
Oh it's the delivery person and her shihuahua scratching at
the door.
Speaker 3 (27:58):
Are you, Damien?
Speaker 1 (28:00):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (28:01):
Why didn't you open the door?
Speaker 1 (28:03):
Why didn't you knock?
Speaker 4 (28:05):
I did? You couldn't hear me over the yelling and
breaking glass? I called a bunch.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
Too, did you? Yikes? Sorry about that? I thought you
were my stalker or like maybe a hook person.
Speaker 4 (28:21):
I get that a lot. By the way, I think
your friend was.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Just outside our friend.
Speaker 4 (28:28):
Yeah, someone was looking in through your window before I
got here. They were wearing that same ugly jacket you're holding,
so I assumed you know them anyway, Please wait and tip?
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
So if your stalker's outside and I'm inside, what conclusions
can we draw that top and bottom stuff? Damien, you
know it doesn't mean anything, right well, other than what
goes where.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
That's easy for you to say you're a top.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
Right there, That's what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
How can you know that because you asked me to
use the enigma enema? God damn it.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
So just because I proposed in this specific instance that
I top, it doesn't mean that I'm a top, nor
would it mean you're a bottom. And it's not so
black and white. You might like one thing now and
go into another down the line. That's the fun of
all of this. Let's say, for example, I've never had
a threesome before, but after meeting you and seeing the
(29:39):
picture of that hop, oh boy, I might want to
give it a try. What well, it sounds like the
trail went cold because Bell boy wanted a threesome. Well
meet number three.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
Wait you you would do that after the way I
acted tonight.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Well, given the fact that your stocker knows where I live, now,
I've got a pretty compelling stake in this. Plus I
like the challenge of solving a mystery. Now, relax, man.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
He playfully pushes me onto my back and climbs on
top of me.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Top.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
And that's okay. It doesn't make me like number two,
though in a perfect world, I'd love a little more
time to process this all before submitting, before bottoming. But
it's okay. I'm okay, I'm ready, way ready.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Hey, Hey, you're thinking right now, aren't you.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
I mean, maybe a little. I'm just trying to wrap
my head around all this. I know everything you said
is le jet. It's just a lot to process that
at once. This again, that's really what it comes down
to write, not power or submission. But trust Yeah, yeah,
(31:07):
I do trust you. And then something curious happens. Matteo
pulls me upright and lowers to his back, securing me
above him me on top.
Speaker 2 (31:19):
Good. I trust you too. Hey, this is Santi. Text
me to leave a message and I'll get you back.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
Hey, it's me. I hope you're surviving and thriving. I
met someone today that I think you'd like. You have
a lot in common, and I have a new lead
on your disappearance. The bell boy from the Ludlow Lodge.
He keeps sending me these weird dms about something called
the hookup. Not a smoking gun, I know, but there's
(31:54):
just something about him that feels.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Off.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
I'll keep you posted. Hey, do you remember that scary
story you told me a while back about that hook
handed maniac dude scratching at the girl's van? So I
had an call it a relevant experience today that got
me thinking about that, so I looked it up and
it turns out there's a lot more to that story.
(32:22):
So the cops eventually show up and rescue the girl
as happens in fiction, and as they're guiding her away
from the van, they instruct her do not look back,
but like she does, oll be and what does she see?
Her disemboweled fucking boyfriend outside the van? That's what she sees.
It turns out he crawled back to the van after
being attacked by the hookman, mustering just enough energy to
(32:44):
scratch the back door to get his girlfriend's attention, but
she didn't open the door because she thought it was
a scratch of the hookman, and so her boyfriend totally died.
I'm sure there's something to be gleaned from that story
about the trust or not jump into conclusions. Lena call me.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
Thinking voicemail drewation limit reached.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Good GUYE Hey, I'm not finished. Hey, Siria call Santy.
Written and directed by Noah Feinberg. That's Me. Sound design
(33:26):
and score by Jeremiah Zimmerman, starring Noah Feinberg That's Me
as Damian Ray Santiago as Santy, and Matteo Nico Greatham
as Wade, Augustus Prue as Elias, Scott Evans as Big Tough,
Jeffrey Self as bell Boy, Tina Majorino as Doctor Wiley,
Obi A. Bailey as p M. Peter Gabrielle Ruiz as Joma,
(33:48):
Sadie Dickinson as Meg. Additional voices by Megan Taylor, Harvey,
Susan C. Bennett, Verona, Blue Mark Bramhall, Bryan Daniel Porter,
Chris Dickey, Aaron Cooker, Christopher Corbyn, Kiff, Danden Huevel, and
Rhys Griffin. Opening themed by Alex Yoder, casting director Sonny
Bowling and Meg Mormon. Executive producers from iHeart, Trevor Young
(34:10):
and Matt Frederick. Executive producers from Blumbhouse, Chris Sticky and
Noah Feinberg. That's Me. Executive producers from Ember twenty David
Thwaites and Jimmy Jelline, Supervising producer Rachel Foley, Editor Noah Feinberg.
That's Me.
The Hookup is a production of iHeart Podcasts, Blumbhouse Television,
and Amber twenty. Listener discretion is totally advised. When I
was little, my parents loved telling the story of my
first ultrasound. My mother would recall eagerly waiting for the
obgyn to turn the monitor so she could get a
(00:21):
first look at a fetal young Damien. To my parents'
surprise and endless amusement for years to come, the ultrasound
revealed me not in the typical anterior or posterior fetal position,
but rather on all fours.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
You know, our boy Damien was born doggy style.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
My father cackled joyously at my third grade orientation.
Speaker 3 (00:45):
He was on all fours in utero and he's been
that way ever since.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
My mother teased to the Crustwick University tour guide. It
didn't bother me when I was young, because I didn't
really understand the implication.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
The implication that you like taking it from behind on
all fours.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
Uh, this would be Santy. Usually throwing up on someone
and passing out in their dorm ends a relationship quicker
than you can say, is he breathing? But Santy was different.
The next morning he asked me to brunch at the
campus dining hall. No, not that implication. Well yeah, okay,
that too. But what mainly bothered me as I got
(01:26):
older was the idea that it made me like subordinate
number two, as if I'm like physically predisposed to being
on all fours. Santy narrows his eyes, and I know
what's coming next. He's about to ask me if the
prophecy came true, whether I am in fact a bottom,
(01:48):
and I just can't with the whole top or bottom
of question right now, because then I'll have to tell
him that it's none of the above that I've never
done either.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
But to my surprise, noted, we'll have to explore further
next time you come over.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Sing to this guy. I mean, I could just sit
here for hours watching him eat his shrimp fried rice. Shrimps.
Don't know how lucky they are, what you think because
you spent a whole meal swipe on me that I'm
just gonna put out.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
I don't know what to expect from me, Damien. I
don't know anything about you.
Speaker 1 (02:25):
Ignorance is bliss, Okay, what do you want to know?
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Where are you from?
Speaker 1 (02:31):
New York? Little suburb outside in WYC.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
Did you spend a lot of time in the city?
Kind of?
Speaker 1 (02:37):
I mean I ran a Twitter account of different rats
I saw on the subways, so I guess.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
Oh, that's a niche.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
I know, I know. Rats aren't the most beloved of
God's gentle creatures. The plague was kind of a pr
nightmare in that sense.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
But can I guess? Can can I guess why you
like rats? Okay, well, let's see. I want to say
Damien likes rats because they're often underestimated and can fly
under the radar. But you don't seem like a count
a dog person. You probably had weird pets growing up
(03:14):
as a kid, like rats, and they don't live very long,
so you never risked forming an actual bond and then
losing something you cared about. How'd I do?
Speaker 1 (03:27):
I was gonna say I like rats because they're cute
and the hairless ones look like aliens.
Speaker 2 (03:34):
Well, either way, we have lab rats over in the
science building. Should you ever want to reboot.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
The account science building? A what's your major?
Speaker 2 (03:45):
Chemistry? Can you feel it?
Speaker 1 (03:48):
And now Santy's grinning at me, amused and in control
number one? That was a good one, Santi.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
Thanks just testing it.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Out, testing me like a labyrinth number two, But.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
Don't change the subject. I want to learn about you.
What makes Damien Hurst tick?
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Mainly my ocd Oh, come on, that was funny.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Marginally, but I feel like you're using humor.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
To deflect deflect me.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Fum what talking about yourself? Opening up?
Speaker 1 (04:33):
Not true? Not true? Ask away? Not only will I
open up, I'll even say, uh.
Speaker 2 (04:40):
Do you have a boyfriend?
Speaker 1 (04:41):
Yes, but we have an arrangement about passing out in
other guy's bed, so it's totally cool. Damien, No, no boyfriend?
Speaker 2 (04:48):
Have you ever had one?
Speaker 1 (04:51):
No? No boyfriend?
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Have you ever been with a guy.
Speaker 1 (04:56):
I've hooked up with guys.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Yes, sex though, have you ever gone all the way?
Speaker 1 (05:05):
He smells blood? No, no, Santy takes a sip of juice,
eyes never leaving me, and then finally he gives me
the tiniest smile and says.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
Cool, cool.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
I think that's a good response, to be fair, I
don't really know what the ideal reply would even be.
I guess cool is better than.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Lucky for you. I've got a green thumb. Want to
get your petals plucked? Or fuck? Yeah till marriage?
Speaker 1 (05:43):
Is there anything else? Inquisitor?
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Yeah, one more question, Why did you let me go?
Speaker 1 (05:51):
What? Santy? What's going on? Whoa put down the fork?
Speaker 2 (05:57):
Why you.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
He presses his thumb against the head of his fork,
skewing himself on the times there's bloods like all over
his shrimp. Now, Santi, what.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Do you want you?
Speaker 1 (06:28):
Yeah? That was the catch with Santy total package, except
sometimes he channels Satan and impale himself on cutlery. And
also where does he get off accusing me of using
humor to deflect ten thirty ten thirty fucking Santy dreams?
(07:03):
See between us ethically raised free range chickens. My classwork
has kind of fallen to the wayside since Santy disappeared
the way way aside.
Speaker 3 (07:13):
Your grades have dropped severely.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
The Dean so keenly observed during our mandatory goals and
progress check in the other day.
Speaker 3 (07:21):
If you don't turn things around, we may have to
re examine your standing here at Krestwick.
Speaker 1 (07:26):
I get where she's coming from. I do, but I'm
paying tuition, So what's it to her if I don't
ace my exams or pass my exams or show up
for them.
Speaker 3 (07:38):
I understand you were present at the time of your
friends disappearance last year. Have you seen one of our
on campus counselors.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
I have my own psychiatrist, thinks. I do see doctor
Andrea Wiley every Wednesday and give her the rundown on
my week. You know how I'm feeling, who's wronged me?
Trying to get her to laugh at my jokes, therapy stuff.
What I don't mention to doctor Wiley is the Santy situation.
It just seems like such a can of worms, you know,
(08:11):
slimy worms that'll make me answer tough questions and dig
uncomfortably deep. No thanks, Besides, who needs therapy when you
have metal? The gaze of Ludlow County ask more than
enough uncomfortable questions like hey man, you pick? Do you
like feet?
Speaker 2 (08:30):
Or hey feet?
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Still, the trickiest questions setting in my metal inbox would
have to be the one for my current and only
lead in Santy's disappearance, the Ludlow Lodge bell Boy. Now
that his hotel of former employment has been turned into
an apartment complex, I can't figure out why he was
hanging around there last night. Factor in his cryptic metal
chat and proximity to Santy the night he disappeared, I'd
(08:57):
consider him a bonafide suspect. But what was his message?
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Hey? Man, what are you into?
Speaker 1 (09:04):
I have the hookup? I need to play this carefully,
the exact right phrasing, the exact right words, to make
sure this lead doesn't slip away. Hi, Hey, what are
you looking for? I'm not sure, really open to trying
new things fire. Have you tried the hookup?
Speaker 2 (09:28):
No?
Speaker 1 (09:28):
What is that? Do you mean like hooking up?
Speaker 2 (09:31):
You into group play?
Speaker 1 (09:33):
Oh? That took a turn group play? I mean, I
can't even fathom how exhausting that internal ranch is going
to be. Not expressly no either, only looking for threesomes
right now? Ah? Shit, Well I learned the bell boy
(09:54):
likes threesomes. That's something right. I swiped a close out
of Metal, but something catches my eye A profile with
the picture of Santi. The photo is foggy, a bathroom
mirror selfie, focused more on torso than head. But I'd
recognize that face anywhere. That's what I dream about after all.
(10:18):
Without thinking, I message him. Hey, Logically, I know this
is probably just some guy catfishing with the photo of Santy,
But what if it's really him? The username isn't much help.
It's just the letter M could be short for murderer.
Comma Santy's damien. He knows my name.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Shouldn't you be in class right now?
Speaker 1 (10:44):
He knows my schedule? Uh? Who is this.
Speaker 2 (10:50):
Mateo from two oh six Ethics and Journalism?
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Ironic the class I'm currently missing. His name doesn't ring
a bell though, to be I've hardly attended that class,
so why would it. Santy himself could be the TA
and I wouldn't have noticed. Uh, matteo right, Sorry, I
have trouble learning everyone's names in these big lectures. Ha ha ha.
(11:14):
This doesn't make any sense. If this guy really is
Mateo from Ethics and Journalism, that means he's messaging me
on metal from class right now. Even I don't do that.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
Maybe if you were in class right now, you'd know
more names?
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Whoa he really is in my class? Also kind of
an aggressive thing to say, right, Oh, winky face, it's fine.
Speaker 2 (11:40):
Why don't you come over to my dorm tonight and
I can fill you in on what you missed today.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
I mean, as much as I want to figure out
why this person is using a photo of Santy, his
proposal doesn't not seem dangerous, But I mean with the
bellboy trail cooling down. This Mateo guy is the clue.
This thing I have to a new lead, and I
wouldn't even have to leave campus. I'd just be going
over to his dorm. What could go wrong? I'm just
(12:11):
gonna see who the catfish really is then bounce easy? Hey, hey,
not easy? Not easy. I don't understand. Mateo wasn't using
a photo of Santy. Mateo is Santy? Uh?
Speaker 2 (12:27):
Mateo?
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Is this real? He has the same bushy eyebrows, the
same barely noticeable gap in his front teeth, the adorable
little ears that stick out. It's a little further than normal.
The eyes are wrong, though not wrong, just not Santy's.
And they're lighter too. You know, like that TikTok filter
that makes your eyes glow, but you don't use it
(12:50):
because the whole thing feels a little rian.
Speaker 2 (12:53):
You good? Hi?
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Yeah? Sorry? You just you look a lot like someone
I know.
Speaker 2 (13:01):
I heard the scene Doppelgangers as an omen You're gonna
die soon?
Speaker 1 (13:04):
What really?
Speaker 2 (13:06):
Nah? If anything, it just means that you think all
brown folk look alike.
Speaker 1 (13:11):
No, I come in sensory overload. The room's clean and tasteful,
but not without its charm, which I guess you could
say about Mateo too, his low neck tank and rolled
up short shorts or lax hook up attire, and yet
there's something magnetic about him?
Speaker 2 (13:28):
Was he hot? H the person I remind you of? Actually,
you know what? Scratch that I don't want to know.
Whenever people say that, they end up showing you a
photo of the person you allegedly resemble, and it always
looks like one of the decomposing muppets from Labyrinth.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Yeah, is that not your type? Sandy grint? Matteo grins
at me and I melt I've missed that smile.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
Did you bring your book? My book, your text book
two oh six Ethics and Journalism?
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Yeah? That one negative I seem to have forgotten.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Oh, no, worries, we can share.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Okay, Hold up? What is this like? Why does Mateo
think I'm here? I assumed the study date bit was
just a pickup line, but it seems like Mateo actually
intends to study, which can only mean one thing. Hits
time for the hottest new game show sweeping the nation,
study date or date dating. We've secured a panel of
(14:34):
leading experts to help decipher whether Tonight's rendezvous is about
coursework or coitus?
Speaker 2 (14:39):
You want something to drake?
Speaker 1 (14:41):
Sure? Yeah? Thanks? All right? Any early thoughts from our
panel study date versus date date inconclusive.
Speaker 4 (14:48):
Meeting on metal would normally signify sexual intent, but the
fact that he expected you to bring your textbook raises questions.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
Yes, yes, the one is a point in the date
date column. Ah, but it's still too early to call
got it? Thanks?
Speaker 2 (15:04):
What shit?
Speaker 1 (15:06):
Did I say that out loud?
Speaker 2 (15:08):
Did you say what out loud?
Speaker 1 (15:10):
Fuck? I just meant thanks for the wine, That's what
I meant.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
Oh. Sure, so you've been sick lately? What I just
figured since you've been missing class a lot?
Speaker 1 (15:28):
Oh? Yes, I'm terribly ill. I do hear consumption is
making a comeback. Actually, so.
Speaker 2 (15:36):
Jesus.
Speaker 1 (15:36):
But I'm feeling a lot better now though.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Glad to hear it. I hope you're not still contagious.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
As he says that, he flashes me this impish grin,
And I don't exactly know what makes a grin impish,
but this one was certifiable experts. The impish grins are
an indisputable point, and the date date column agreed. That's
just science. Now's your chance. Go for the cold my
chance for what. I can't actually like do anything with him.
(16:08):
It's too weird and yet well things santy again is
all I think about. Fuck it, I choose date date,
final answer.
Speaker 2 (16:20):
Whoa, oh hey shit, Oh my god, I am so sad.
Speaker 1 (16:26):
This whole situation. Panel of experts, please advise. Oh dear,
it appears that if my cats wrong and my kitchen.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
Is on fire, I have to run it. And I
just remembered that I'm late for my court date.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
What no, no, no, no, both of you come back right now.
Goddamn sh uh matteo. I okay, I didn't realize this
was like actually a study date. I mean I thought,
because of the wine and the impish smile that you
were trying to like, you know what, I am just gonna.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
Go, Hey, slow down, speed racer, come back here. You're right,
I didn't just invite you over to study. I mean, hello,
we met on metal. Obviously I'm into you.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Oh okay, so then why aren't.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
We Because I met you three minutes ago. You really
cut to the chase.
Speaker 1 (17:26):
Well, yeah, I mean, isn't that what a hookup is?
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Sure? If you use cheap sex to fill the void
of utter self, low of being devouring you from the
inside out. But if you're a normal person, you can
have a drink before unleashing your bstiary of STDs.
Speaker 1 (17:42):
Okay, so in the spirit of impartiality, I should mention
that's not verbatim what Matteo said, but that's how it felt.
He was being way judgy. But if you must know,
here's how it actually played out. Well, yeah, I mean,
isn't that what a hookup is sometimes?
Speaker 2 (18:01):
But it doesn't always have to be so clinical. You
can have a drink first, get to know the other guy.
It can be chill.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
See the bastiari of STD's thing was obvious subtext.
Speaker 2 (18:14):
So while yes, I want to be on top of
you tearing your clothes off, I think we both deserve
to know each other a little better.
Speaker 1 (18:20):
First, I flinch at the part about him being on
top of me. It's the implication he's number one. Sure,
I've been on the bottom before at this point, just
ask Big Top. But it's different with Matteo. He's a peer,
my age, a part of my actual world, not just
my sex world. It wouldn't just be one and done.
(18:43):
He'd always have that over me.
Speaker 2 (18:45):
So in the spirit of getting to know one another.
Let's order food. How's tie sound cool?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
I can place it shrimp fried rice for you? Right?
Speaker 2 (18:57):
What?
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Ah shit? Know those moments when you're talking with your
missing lovers doppelganger and you forget it's not actually them
and assume they like the same foods. I meant the
shrimp fried rice appears to be discounted tonight. In case
that's what you In case that's what you want. For
someone who lies NonStop, I could really stand to be
better at it.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
I'm sure it's discounted for a reason. So that's a
past for me.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Is that incense?
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Yeah? Do you mind sandal? Would Japanese monks believe that
incense had the power to cleanse body and mind, purifying
us of uncleanliness?
Speaker 1 (19:40):
And do you feel cleansed? Not? Really?
Speaker 2 (19:45):
It relaxes me though. They say aromatherapy can cure all
sorts of ailments, chronic pain, anxiety, depression.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Wonderful. I'll just tell doctor Wiley to cancel my prescriptions.
I don't know. Seems like kind of a lot of
transformative power for an inhalent.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
Do you trust me?
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Trust? Another word for submit. Trusting someone with your secrets
is no different than handing them the bullets to use
against you. I watched the next Seum doc. I know
how collateral works, uh, I think, so.
Speaker 2 (20:21):
Then tell me why you've really been missing class lately.
Something's obviously up with you. I mean you checked to
make sure you aren't being followed when I let you in.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
He's not wrong. There was that tiny issue of the
guy's talking me outside Big Tops apartment the other night,
and well, it's possible I was overreacting and the guy
wasn't actually chasing me. I just can't shake the image
of that ugly, pink and mustard hoodie.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
Come on, you can trust me.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
There's that smile again. And maybe it's because he looks
so much like Santi. Maybe it's the wine. Maybe it's
just been really long since I've trusted someone. But in
this moment, I think I do trust Matteo. Maybe not wholeheartedly,
but enough to spill it, like all of it. I
(21:14):
tell Matteo about Santy the night he went missing Big
Top Bell Boy, and Matteo just listens. I can't tell
you how good that feels. Although I do leave out
the doppelganger's bit, no need to muddy those waters. And
then after mentioning something called the hookup. The bell boy
said he only wanted threesomes and stopped responding.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
Wow, that's a lot to take in. Okay, one second,
you were right about it being complicated. This is all
a bit more than I bargained for when I invited
you over.
Speaker 1 (21:54):
And it's too much baggage. And you're afraid my curse
will rub off on you.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
I get it. Will you stop doing that? Quit deciding
how other people feel about you. Yes, this is a lot.
You're a lot, but I like that. It's real. You're
deep and layered, and and you piqued my interests. Not
a lot of guys can do.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
That instinctively and totally against my will. My eyes drift
downwards and oh, yes, his interest is.
Speaker 2 (22:25):
Peaud you're an enigma?
Speaker 1 (22:29):
What like like the thing you used to clean out
your butt?
Speaker 2 (22:35):
Enigma? Not anema?
Speaker 1 (22:37):
Oh okay, Uh yeah, I knew that. Okay, Dawn, keep
validating me.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
You're an enigma, Damian, and I want to explore your
brain and your body.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
He tastes different than Santy. Pretty quickly we're on his bed,
sure it's coming off. His music plays softly, and the
standal would smell sweet. The moment is warm and dim
and playful, and I kind of never wanted to end,
but I know what's coming. The four play timers running down,
and the question is nigh top or bottom?
Speaker 2 (23:12):
And then, like clockwork, I am have an enigma in
the shower. If you want to.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
Yeah, so about that? Oh good grief, Damien just say
you don't want a bottom? Be direct? Is that really
too much to ask of myself? See as it relates
to the conundrum of say the intercourse? Apparently, yes, Okay,
here's the thing. When I was in fifth grade, another
kid named Damien moves to town, Damien Stafford, So you
(23:46):
know I was Damien H and he was Damien S.
Makes sense, it does, except that's not really how it
played out. See, everyone got on board with calling me
Damien H. But that fucker just got to be Damien
no initial and me crazy. I was here first. If anything,
I'm Damien and he's Damien S. But he was popular
(24:06):
and douchey and didn't cry all the time, so he
got to be Damian Alpha. Do you get what I'm saying?
Speaker 2 (24:15):
So the other Damien tried to fuck you from behind?
Speaker 1 (24:20):
What? No, what were you even listening? I'm saying I
don't want to be Damian Beta, But.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Why would you be Damian Beta? Wouldn't you both just
be Damien's.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
Oh my god, I tell you you're not paying attention.
Damien s is gay, which is bad. Yes, because he's
at the total top.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
So he did try to fuck you from behind?
Speaker 1 (24:42):
Where are you getting this? No, Damian Stafford never tried
to fuck me from behind?
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Then how do you know he's the top because of
the top vibes?
Speaker 1 (24:50):
Man? I?
Speaker 2 (24:51):
Okay, Jesus wow. I think that's where the issue begins.
You can't know if someone's a top or bottom based
on whether or not he acts like Damien Alpha or
Damien Beta. This analogy is confusing me.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
Yeah, me too. But hey, can you turn on the
light for a minute?
Speaker 2 (25:11):
Are you okay?
Speaker 1 (25:12):
Yeah? Just turn it on?
Speaker 2 (25:15):
What are you doing?
Speaker 1 (25:17):
Pink and Mustard Matteo? Why do you have the hoodie
that my stalker was wearing? Why do you have the
hoodie that my stalker was wearing? WHOA, it's you. You
were the one following me last night.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
What are you talking about this hoodie?
Speaker 1 (25:39):
You were wearing it when you came after me.
Speaker 2 (25:41):
I didn't come after don't touch me.
Speaker 1 (25:44):
I jumped for the broken wine glass and hold it
out as if that's going to protect me. I already
gave him the bullets.
Speaker 2 (25:52):
Whoa damien, You need to chill? Who's that.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
Ow? Come man? Huh the hook man? You don't know
that story about the couple making out in their van
and then the boyfriend leaves to go get condoms or
something I don't know. And then while he's gone, the
girl here's a radio bulletin about a hook and.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
It's serial killer has escaped the local sanitarium.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
And then she hears a hook scratching against the rear
door of the van, just like.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
There are no hook people in Belmont Hall. Still, you
should come away from.
Speaker 1 (26:30):
The window well over there so you can garrot me.
I'll take the hook.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
Thanks.
Speaker 1 (26:35):
I lower to the ground out of sight from the window. Yes,
I'm on all fours, and no, I don't want to
hear about it.
Speaker 2 (26:42):
My god, dam you. Look look at the words on
the back of the hoodie Crestwick Crustaceans. It's the bad
mitten club jacket. Tons of kids have them.
Speaker 1 (26:53):
It's true, Crestwick does have a weirdly large bad mitton presence.
Speaker 2 (26:58):
There are almost two hundred kids in the Bad and Club.
The odds that I was the one chasing you last
night are literally half a percent. Think about it. Trust me?
Speaker 1 (27:09):
Trust him? What a joke. I'm not wired that way.
Why did I fight my nature tonight looking for reasons
to trust this stranger? You know who? The last guy
I trusted is.
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Me?
Speaker 1 (27:21):
Neither?
Speaker 2 (27:22):
Just put down the flash, just to put.
Speaker 1 (27:24):
Down the glass?
Speaker 2 (27:25):
Where?
Speaker 1 (27:25):
Like, what's your final piece of control?
Speaker 2 (27:28):
That is top vibes? Top vibes isn't a thing?
Speaker 1 (27:31):
It is too Top vibes is deciding to order tai
food without consulting the other person and then going back
and forth for like fifteen minutes, pretending nobody has a
cuisine preference.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
Damien, are you? Are you upset because you think I'm
a top?
Speaker 1 (27:46):
I'm upset because I think I'm a fun of person.
Oh it's the delivery person and her shihuahua scratching at
the door.
Speaker 3 (27:58):
Are you, Damien?
Speaker 1 (28:00):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (28:01):
Why didn't you open the door?
Speaker 1 (28:03):
Why didn't you knock?
Speaker 4 (28:05):
I did? You couldn't hear me over the yelling and
breaking glass? I called a bunch.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
Too, did you? Yikes? Sorry about that? I thought you
were my stalker or like maybe a hook person.
Speaker 4 (28:21):
I get that a lot. By the way, I think
your friend was.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Just outside our friend.
Speaker 4 (28:28):
Yeah, someone was looking in through your window before I
got here. They were wearing that same ugly jacket you're holding,
so I assumed you know them anyway, Please wait and tip?
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Yeah, thank you.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
So if your stalker's outside and I'm inside, what conclusions
can we draw that top and bottom stuff? Damien, you
know it doesn't mean anything, right well, other than what
goes where.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
That's easy for you to say you're a top.
Speaker 2 (29:06):
Right there, That's what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
How can you know that because you asked me to
use the enigma enema? God damn it.
Speaker 2 (29:14):
So just because I proposed in this specific instance that
I top, it doesn't mean that I'm a top, nor
would it mean you're a bottom. And it's not so
black and white. You might like one thing now and
go into another down the line. That's the fun of
all of this. Let's say, for example, I've never had
a threesome before, but after meeting you and seeing the
(29:39):
picture of that hop, oh boy, I might want to
give it a try. What well, it sounds like the
trail went cold because Bell boy wanted a threesome. Well
meet number three.
Speaker 1 (29:56):
Wait you you would do that after the way I
acted tonight.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Well, given the fact that your stocker knows where I live, now,
I've got a pretty compelling stake in this. Plus I
like the challenge of solving a mystery. Now, relax, man.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
He playfully pushes me onto my back and climbs on
top of me.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
Top.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
And that's okay. It doesn't make me like number two,
though in a perfect world, I'd love a little more
time to process this all before submitting, before bottoming. But
it's okay. I'm okay, I'm ready, way ready.
Speaker 2 (30:41):
Hey, Hey, you're thinking right now, aren't you.
Speaker 1 (30:46):
I mean, maybe a little. I'm just trying to wrap
my head around all this. I know everything you said
is le jet. It's just a lot to process that
at once. This again, that's really what it comes down
to write, not power or submission. But trust Yeah, yeah,
(31:07):
I do trust you. And then something curious happens. Matteo
pulls me upright and lowers to his back, securing me
above him me on top.
Speaker 2 (31:19):
Good. I trust you too. Hey, this is Santi. Text
me to leave a message and I'll get you back.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
Hey, it's me. I hope you're surviving and thriving. I
met someone today that I think you'd like. You have
a lot in common, and I have a new lead
on your disappearance. The bell boy from the Ludlow Lodge.
He keeps sending me these weird dms about something called
the hookup. Not a smoking gun, I know, but there's
(31:54):
just something about him that feels.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Off.
Speaker 1 (31:58):
I'll keep you posted. Hey, do you remember that scary
story you told me a while back about that hook
handed maniac dude scratching at the girl's van? So I
had an call it a relevant experience today that got
me thinking about that, so I looked it up and
it turns out there's a lot more to that story.
(32:22):
So the cops eventually show up and rescue the girl
as happens in fiction, and as they're guiding her away
from the van, they instruct her do not look back,
but like she does, oll be and what does she see?
Her disemboweled fucking boyfriend outside the van? That's what she sees.
It turns out he crawled back to the van after
being attacked by the hookman, mustering just enough energy to
(32:44):
scratch the back door to get his girlfriend's attention, but
she didn't open the door because she thought it was
a scratch of the hookman, and so her boyfriend totally died.
I'm sure there's something to be gleaned from that story
about the trust or not jump into conclusions. Lena call me.
Speaker 2 (33:00):
Thinking voicemail drewation limit reached.
Speaker 1 (33:03):
Good GUYE Hey, I'm not finished. Hey, Siria call Santy.
Written and directed by Noah Feinberg. That's Me. Sound design
(33:26):
and score by Jeremiah Zimmerman, starring Noah Feinberg That's Me
as Damian Ray Santiago as Santy, and Matteo Nico Greatham
as Wade, Augustus Prue as Elias, Scott Evans as Big Tough,
Jeffrey Self as bell Boy, Tina Majorino as Doctor Wiley,
Obi A. Bailey as p M. Peter Gabrielle Ruiz as Joma,
(33:48):
Sadie Dickinson as Meg. Additional voices by Megan Taylor, Harvey,
Susan C. Bennett, Verona, Blue Mark Bramhall, Bryan Daniel Porter,
Chris Dickey, Aaron Cooker, Christopher Corbyn, Kiff, Danden Huevel, and
Rhys Griffin. Opening themed by Alex Yoder, casting director Sonny
Bowling and Meg Mormon. Executive producers from iHeart, Trevor Young
(34:10):
and Matt Frederick. Executive producers from Blumbhouse, Chris Sticky and
Noah Feinberg. That's Me. Executive producers from Ember twenty David
Thwaites and Jimmy Jelline, Supervising producer Rachel Foley, Editor Noah Feinberg.
That's Me.
Host
Noah Feinberg
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