March 21, 2025 • 29 mins
A manufactured meet-cute brings Damian to meet Elias (Augustus Prew) at the student clinic – where a dark side of Santi’s past emerges.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Hookup is a production of iHeart Podcasts, Blumhouse Television
and Amber twenty. Listener discretion is totally advised. I don't
understand what you're not getting, Santi. They are one thousand
percent gay.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
I hear you, boy, though, I just think you're describing
a little too much meaning to a children's book.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Who said anything about meaning? I am just stating the
fact that Frog and Toad are gay. I don't mean
anything by that, It's just how it is. Every night
Frog drills Toad fact. I mean, haven't you ever gotten
like a foot job from a guy with webbed feet?
It just hits different. So Toad is the bottom I
(00:42):
would have guessed it was Frog, a common misconception which
causes Toad a good deal of grief. See Toad feels
insecure because as the older man dating a strapping, young
twunk like Frog, the societal expectation is for Toad to
be the agro top Zadi type. But that's simply not
the case, and it explains why Toad is kind of
(01:03):
such a grumpy cuck all the time. All that bottom
shaming has really gone to him over the years. Are
you going to finish your onion rings?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
By all means, hey, while we're on the topic, can
I ask you something he may when you and Wade fucked?
Who is the frog and who is the toad?
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Damien?
Speaker 1 (01:23):
This is Wade. I'm confused. So this Wade, he was
the real person. You lost your virginity too. You told
me it was santy to what you know about Wade?
Speaker 4 (01:39):
I know about everything. Boy, you.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Who's there? You did this to me, Damien Wade.
Speaker 4 (01:52):
You're a wicked boy.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Damien, I'm not. I'm not wicked.
Speaker 4 (01:56):
You betrayed my trust after I opened up to you. Acker,
you opened up for me too.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Ever, since I met with doctor Wiley the other day
and reopened those older wounds, all I can dream about
now is wide. I mean, I thought the Sandy dreams
were bad, but this. I'm not sure what the frog
and toad part was about, though, that was weird. I mean,
I outed someone. He may have been like a barrel
of waste, but still that's really bad form. So try
(02:37):
as I might to focus on the conversion popper hive
mind conspiracy at hand, Lately, I keep hearing this steady
thump wherever I go, Like the guy in the Telltale Heart.
You know, tormented by the heartbeat of the man he
dismembered and hit under the floorboards. Okay, I don't know
if he like dismembered him. I might have made that
part up, except instead of a heartbeat. Once upon a
(03:01):
Tuesday dismal, while I mourned my own abysmal sins against
a gentleman who wronged me, yet I wronged him worse.
While I lay there, glum and gloomy on my own,
no man nor roomy. I fucked up. I know, So
sue me, Sue me for my crimes perverse. I hear
the haunting, rhythmic, thrusting phantoms of my crimes perverse echo
like a telltale curse. Since yester when I hit afraid
(03:23):
espying him the boy called Wade, whom not two years
ago I outed. When circumstances grew adverse, the guilt inside
has reawakened a deep remorse. I want no stake in
the smell of shame, like mourning bacon, pungent, like the
porker's curse. Perhaps I must atone, I mutter, should I
seek to shed this curse from which I'm forced to
speak in verse as I started gently flapping my phone
(03:45):
produced a high pitched wrapping. It's just a pop up
bed for a sex shop called Chalk Full of Nuts.
The customer comes first. Ugh. Sex shops have been using
that slogan since Pilgrim Time in Metal is a ghost
town these days. There's like hardly anyone on here anymore.
(04:07):
Have they all turned straight like Matteo? Ugh take cover
guilt approaching. Speaking of the paupers plan, I've set my
sights upon the man whose craven scheme I do believe
has brought the end so niish and furthermore to raise
the ante. Perhaps he also murdered Santi with fava beans
(04:30):
and nice KIANTI how he truly seemed the shyest. I
mustn't get bamboozled, for the wildest men are off the shyest.
I'm onto you, my sweet Elias. Okay, But at the
same time, what do I actually know about this alias kid?
I know he somehow ended up at PM Peter's game
Night of the Damned. I know he and Santy were
(04:53):
competing for a prestigious research grant, evident by the photo
I found of them in the science building yesterday. And
and I know he's kind of cute. He reminds me
of how in high school I had this imaginary boyfriend
named Cotton who I'd visit on his family's farm in
Oklahoma and we'd bang on bails of hey as a sunset.
But I digress. So how does one go about finding
(05:16):
this elusive Elias. Well, for starters, one needs to be
an adept cyberstalker. Crustwick University Elias Crustwick University, Elias Research grant. Nope,
(05:37):
farm boy, barnyard porn, that's for later. I mean, you'd
think with a name like Elias, he'd be easier to
pin down, but I'm not worried. I swiped the photo
of Elias and Santy from the lab reverse image search.
This is a handy tool I used to find a
(05:57):
guy's socials based on his dating Appics can form an
extreme opinion without ever having to meet him. You just
upload a photo and boom, I knew it. The first
result is a LinkedIn profile for one Elias Laski. That's
twenty first century sleuthing for you, man. I am so
crafty and relatable. Okay, let's see Originally from Iowa Studies
(06:21):
Medical Science at Crestwick u oh and works weekends at
the Crestwick Student Clinic as an assistant prep nurse. Wait,
nobody talk to me. I feel a plan coming together.
Some sort of accidental meet cute at the student clinic
mayhap lull him into a false sense of security, so
he tips his hand. I hatch deployed. It must succeed
(06:44):
to boil this here centipede. I've stalked him, and I
don't believe our pallid purpose, pure and pious. He works
part time at our scholastic clinic, getting pre med practice,
handing out free prophylactics meant to quell the HI virus.
I'm overdue, in any case, to go on PRAP to
stop the virus. I'll bury you, friend, so call me eyelish. Okay,
(07:06):
that one wasn't my best work. Hi, I have an
(07:27):
appointment for Damien Hurst. Mm hmmm.
Speaker 5 (07:30):
And what's the purpose of your visit to go on prep?
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 5 (07:35):
I'll need to ask you a few questions.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
First.
Speaker 5 (07:38):
Are you sexually active?
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Believe it or not? I am a virgin? Really, yes, really,
I'm saving myself for Jesus. I hear he likes him tight.
I will stand by that joke until my dying breath.
Which might be soon.
Speaker 5 (07:55):
Have the following. Which types of sex do you practice
vaginal sex, anal sex, oral sex.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
Anal and oral but not like combined? You know, I
mean not yet?
Speaker 5 (08:10):
And uh when it comes to anal sex, do you
practice insertive, receptive or both both?
Speaker 1 (08:18):
I mean historically I fancied myself at top, but some
recent expirations have raised the question of whether I really
do prefer it or if I'm just like you know,
pray to the bottom shaming stigma in the k community.
You know what I mean?
Speaker 5 (08:30):
Receptive? All right, have a seat in your student nurse.
Speaker 4 (08:33):
Will be right with you.
Speaker 3 (08:34):
Thanks, and don't forget to visit the Barnacle boutique. Just
stock up on Crestwick spirit gear for tomorrow's badminton Championship.
On the heels of last year's crushing defeat against the
Saint Bartholomew Bulls, the Crestwick Crustaceans are poised to reclaim
the gold in tomorrow's game. Thanks Anna, I'll be sure
to show my crustation pride.
Speaker 5 (08:55):
Damien, you can head on back to the exam room now.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Seatful pretense as aside, I am overdue to be on prep,
especially now that I have to worry about catching heterosexuality too.
I just don't have the capacity for much else.
Speaker 4 (09:11):
All right, mister hurt Damien Elias, Huh do you work here?
Speaker 1 (09:16):
That's a bizarre coincidence.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
I don't believe in coincidences.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Shit, he's onto me already.
Speaker 4 (09:23):
Everything happens for a reason, So if the universe brought
us back together, it's no coincidence.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Oh oh, I'm glad you made it out of p
and Peter's Townhouse of Terror in one.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
Piece, barely, are you okay?
Speaker 1 (09:38):
I mean in a severely traumatized kind of way.
Speaker 4 (09:41):
Yeah, that was a really intense game of Werewolf. U.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
I was referring more to Peter and Big Top going insane,
but yeah, werewolf too.
Speaker 4 (09:53):
Did you see what happened to that other guy, the
one who hated you, Big Top, the other one right him?
Is he okay?
Speaker 1 (10:03):
He escaped?
Speaker 4 (10:05):
That's good. So you're here to get on prep right?
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Huh? All right, I guess we're done talking about that.
Speaker 4 (10:14):
Uh yeah, have you taken it before?
Speaker 1 (10:18):
I've sort of been putting it off, just never felt
like I needed it.
Speaker 4 (10:22):
Life begins outside your comfort zone.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
M Life begins screaming, covered in afterburth.
Speaker 4 (10:27):
Fine, but going on prep isn't some admission off to
pravity or loose morals? Say?
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Ah uh, I know that, and you know that, but
the ovarmin flight on my head that dictates my self
wealth hasn't got m mallow. Why'd you throw the swab away?
Isn't that part of the exam?
Speaker 4 (10:48):
Oh? No, I was just testing your reflexes, testing my Oh,
lift up your shirt.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
In hey, Okay, okay, that's enough of that. The stethoscope
was really cold.
Speaker 4 (11:11):
You're cute when you're flustered, Damien.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Focus. There's time to get dicked down later. Right now,
we need to shift this conversation towards Santy and the
Ashcroft Inlet research grant. Careful now, I just might fall
for you, cute, funny future doctor.
Speaker 4 (11:27):
Not quite. My major's actually medical science. I just like
to volunteer at the clinic to help people get on prap.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Okay, okay, I can work with this right, medical science?
So is that like a lot of research and stuff?
Speaker 4 (11:42):
Yep? I'm actually part of our whole research grant program.
Give me your.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Arm rad tell me about it.
Speaker 4 (11:49):
Really, it's not that interesting.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
I think everything about you is interesting.
Speaker 4 (11:54):
Elias okay, wow, your research project that will make me
eligible for a huge grant when I graduate.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
Way cool? Uh what are you researching?
Speaker 4 (12:07):
It's a chemical compound. I underestimated the commitment though. I've
had practically no free time since I started the program
yoga dating. I even had to quit the badminton team
this year to make time.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
By code red, Elias was on the badminton team. That
means he owns a crust big badminton hoodie, which makes
him supremely eligible to be my stalker.
Speaker 4 (12:31):
Anyway, How are you with needles?
Speaker 1 (12:44):
I'm sorry?
Speaker 4 (12:46):
Are you squeamish about needles for drawing blood?
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Oh? Oh uh no, no not really.
Speaker 4 (12:53):
Oh wow, so brave?
Speaker 1 (12:57):
Do I get a lolly?
Speaker 4 (12:58):
We'll see.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Wait, that wasn't me flirting. I really want a lollipop.
I bet you looked good in the badminton uniform.
Speaker 4 (13:06):
I looked great, but my partner on the grand project
went a wall, so I had to quit the team
to pick up the slack awall.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
What happened?
Speaker 4 (13:15):
Oh, it was bizarre. The guy his name is Santiago,
just disappeared one day.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Oh yeah, I remember hearing about that. I didn't know him.
Were you too close? You ask a lot of questions,
but think of all the things I know because I asked.
Speaker 4 (13:33):
Can't argue with that. It was a weird situation. Santi
and I were working side by side for hours every day,
but only one of us would receive the grant upon graduating.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
And there it is who remembers the word of the
day mony, gotcha?
Speaker 4 (13:53):
But now that Santy is Mia Santi, are you guys
on nickname? Basis? Now?
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Shit? Careful dame?
Speaker 4 (14:03):
It feels a little morbid to talk about. But well,
the truth is, as long as Santi was in the picture,
I never stood a chance at winning.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
How's that?
Speaker 4 (14:14):
Well? Key and I were evenly matched in terms of
brain power, work ethic, but Santi had the big d diversity.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Oh oh, optics wise, Santiago Ramos was the more desirable winner. Ah,
I just feel like there's something wrong with that sentiment.
I don't know, you had the whole gay thing going
for you. Doesn't that count?
Speaker 4 (14:45):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Well, I guess Santi was gay too, so it cancels out.
Speaker 4 (14:49):
Didn't you hear? Gay's not diverse anymore?
Speaker 1 (14:52):
Right? So nobody's heard from him, not since.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
He went missing the night of last year's championship game.
So I guess it's almost exactly a year ago.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Time flies when you murder your rival for academic gain.
But wait, shit, that's right. It was the night of
the Bad Mitten game and Elias was still on the
team at that point, which means Elias has an alibi.
So I rescind my battle cry. It seems his only
crime is of a nature hippocratic and keeping with the
(15:24):
mockery and paltry sleuth ad hockery, this mysteries debauchery remains
as ever enigmatic to better sleuth than me. Perhaps it's
not so enigmatic, nor hide wager.
Speaker 4 (15:36):
So traumatic not done. Now, let's talk band aids. We've
got Batman, Pokemon or I stand with.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Ukraine, I mean Pokemon.
Speaker 4 (15:49):
Please, once we get the results back on your blood work,
we'll go ahead and call in your prescription.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
That easy, huh.
Speaker 4 (15:57):
I do have one more question, He's told totally about
to ask me out.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
I'm flattered.
Speaker 4 (16:02):
How didn't you know Santy was gay?
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Uh? Huh?
Speaker 4 (16:06):
Earlier you mentioned something about Santy being gay. How do
you know that?
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Uh? Are you sure you must have mentioned it first?
Speaker 4 (16:15):
No, I'm pretty sure I didn't. Fuck right?
Speaker 1 (16:19):
Oh, you know what I actually did vaguely know Santy.
We never met or anything. I was just like aware
of a gay kid named Santy that goes to school here.
Speaker 4 (16:32):
Gotcha, No you didn't. You said you didn't know him.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Okay, we've hit a wee fork in the road here,
leaving me with two options. Option A would be to
keep lying my way out of this. That's historically been
my knee jerk reaction, although it is also how I
twisted myself into this knot so maybe it is time
for option B. The truth. Well, okay, and a bridge
(16:57):
version of it. You're right, Elias, I haven't been completely
honest with you. The truth is I did know Santi.
I knew him a lot.
Speaker 4 (17:11):
Were you guys together?
Speaker 1 (17:14):
It was confusing and complicated, but yeah we were.
Speaker 4 (17:20):
So this whole routine where you pretend to run into
me under the pretense of a prep appointment was just
to pump me for information because you knew he and
I were competing for the grant and that made me
a suspect, which.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
I now know you're not because you have an alibi.
You were playing in the badminton game. See problem solved? Yay?
Speaker 4 (17:44):
Wow?
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Are you mad?
Speaker 4 (17:46):
Are you mad. You thought I was a murderer.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Well, to be fair, somebody wearing a Crustwit crustacean hoodie
has been following me lately, so I actually thought you
might be a murderer and a stalker. Needless to say
that sentence did not achieve the intended effect.
Speaker 4 (18:02):
Definitely needless, and your logic doesn't even track. You say
your stalker plays on the babminton team, and you also
think your stalker is Santy's kidnapper. But since Santy was
taken during the babminton game, then theoretically everyone on the
team would have an alibi, which means nobody could have
committed the crime.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Wow, he's right. How did I miss that? So then
you're saying that the kidnapper and stalker have to be
two separate entities.
Speaker 4 (18:31):
No, what I'm saying is my life coach once came
up with something that I think would be pertinent to
this situation. She said, the simplest solution is often the
most likely.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Is your life coach a thirteenth century philosopher use Otherwise,
pretty sure she didn't come up with.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
That, You know, Damien, for someone with so much dysfunction
in their life, I'd expect you to be more accepting
of a little help.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Excuse me, I'm just saying you're very.
Speaker 4 (19:01):
Cynical, and based on the general disarray of your life,
I'm not sure you have the right.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
To be Wow, okay, And had it occurred to you
that the general disarray of my life is exactly what
gives me the right to be cynical, I'm sure if
my biggest problems were being too white and deciding which
holistic healing crystal would summon the goddess of self care,
I'd be doctor optimists too. And honestly, what even is
your point about the simplest solution being the right one?
Speaker 4 (19:30):
My point is that there probably is no killer Santy
left you. Ah, I'm sorry, Demian shouldn't have said anything.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
No, No, You're right. It's a very real possibility, isn't
it fucked up? How the outcome and which Santy wasn't
murdered is the one I'm more afraid of.
Speaker 4 (19:55):
Wow, when you find Santy, we can just keep that
between us.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
I'm really sorry, Elias. I didn't mean to come after
you like that. I'm just so frustrated, like every lead
only leads to a dead end. It's like I'm shackled
to square one and I what I know, this isn't
what matters right now, But I think I might be
(20:23):
a kind of shitty detective.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
Hey, that's not true. You tracked me down here, didn't you.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Yeah, I guess I am pretty crafty and relatable.
Speaker 4 (20:34):
Besides, I doubt you'll have many more mysteries like this
is sold in your lifetime, so you should be fine.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
I'm majoring an investigative journalism.
Speaker 4 (20:42):
Oh right, have you considered switching majors? There is something else?
And I'm not sure if I should say anything, because
the last thing I'd want is to desecrate your memory.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
What are you talking about? Tell me I wasn't just.
Speaker 4 (21:04):
Being cagy before. Ashcroft inlet is conservative with the information
they share. When Santi and I were initially selected for
the grant program, we were told the bulk of our
research would be testing various biochemical interactions against a specific
drug they were developing.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
Now streaming on exposition plus.
Speaker 4 (21:25):
The people from the Foundation called it agent M and
it's apparently such a groundbreaking medical advancement that we aren't
allowed to know what it really even is.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Yet that sounds shady.
Speaker 4 (21:37):
I know, it's just it's been so exciting to be
part of something important. I may have willfully overlooked some
red flags, but Agent M is I mean, it's remarkable,
even without knowing its intended purpose. Just watching the way
it manipulates and reshapes organic matter is mesmerizing.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
Well, if there was any doubt that Agent M became
a hookup, I'd say it's now entirely dispelled.
Speaker 4 (22:04):
But the point remains. Earlier, when you asked about the
actual objective of the project, you weren't told. Well, I wasn't,
meaning not long before Santy disappeared, he started having a
lot of closed door conversations with our supervisors. At the time,
(22:27):
I just assumed it meant he was the front runner.
But then I'd started catching him at the lab, but
weird hours sneaking around hying about it, and when I
raised the issue with the Foundation, they completely shut me down.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
So you think Santy found out what Agent M is?
Speaker 4 (22:45):
Obviously I can't know for sure, but definitely felt that way.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Do you think do you think the Foundation did something
to him?
Speaker 4 (22:58):
I did at first, but I can't make it make sense.
He was their golden boy. I do think Santy was
involved in something on Savory. I just can't imagine how
it factors into his disappearance.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
If what Elias is saying is legit, then not only
was Santy helping develop a conversion drug, he was on
board with it.
Speaker 4 (23:23):
I know about everything.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Boy, you no, there's no fucking way the Santy I
knew would never do that. Though maybe the Santy I
knew wasn't the real Santy at all.
Speaker 4 (23:37):
I feel sick. I'm so sorry, Damien, and none if
this even means anything I could have misinterpreted or no,
I'm glad you told me this. You know, it takes
forty three muscles to frown, but only seventeen to smile,
So when you think about it, it's really much easier
(23:57):
to just put on a happy base.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Oh me a fucking break.
Speaker 4 (24:01):
But life snow foam when you take the easy way out.
So I say it's a ok to cry.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
Yeah, you're right. Did your life coach tell you that?
Speaker 4 (24:13):
Worse it was in today's horoscope? Anyway, enough sad talk,
it's my turn, your turn for what to say?
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Ah ooh what do you just like that? His mouth
is open while I get lucky. Here's to hope him
up and down. He bobs on me, his torso twisting
like a screw. But do I find him still suspicious? Gaming?
M you taste delicious between the gulps and gags and kisses.
I've warmed up to this rendezvous. I know I'm on
(24:48):
a mission and it's not the time for rendezvous, but
I surrender Waterloo. But just as I'm about to bust again,
I hear that haunting thrust, a telltale guilt for what
I did to wade. The won't leave me alone. I
try to focus on the oral, casting out these pesky morals.
Sick of this internal quarrel. Fine, I'm ready to atone.
(25:08):
I'm terrified to face him, though I have no choice
but to a tone. But first I've got to lose
this bone. Nor stop stop stop.
Speaker 4 (25:18):
What I I thought you were down? I'm sorry, I was.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
I am. There's just something that's been weighing on me,
and I have to go deal with.
Speaker 4 (25:28):
It right now. Okay, can I help? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Keep an ear to the ground. If the Ashcroft inlet
is playing mad scientist, I want to know about it.
Speaker 4 (25:41):
Okay, will I see you again?
Speaker 1 (25:44):
I can't recommend it. Bad things tend to happen to
the people in my orbit. Just trust me, Elias. I'm
a whole lot of drama that you want no part of.
Speaker 4 (25:53):
I don't mind a little drama. All the world's at
stage right, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:58):
But with my luck probably stage crew. Goodbye, Elias. The
Japanese have this term kenjataimu, referring to the mental and
emotional clarity felt immediately after sex without any carnal desires
to impede judgment. This period is supposedly when the answers
(26:19):
to all life's problems becomes clear. Well, I call bs.
In the fifteen minutes it takes me to cross the
quad and reach wades on campus apartment, my questions have
only amplified. What if Wade won't forgive me? Could Santy
really have been involved in creating the hookup? Why was
I rhyming to the poetic meter of the raven while
(26:39):
I was thematically referencing the telltale heart. All of these
questions and more permeate my mind as I approach Wade's door.
But for a moment, I'm weirdly grateful to be here.
Since my investigation into Santy and the hookup has stalled,
there's an unexpected comfort to at least knowing what steps
I have to take with Wade. May be a shoddy
(27:01):
detective and an even shoddier poet, but at least I
have the tools to not be a shoddy person. Speaking
of poetry, let's wrap this shit up. Once upon a
Tuesday dismal while I mourned my own abysmal memories of Santy,
who I thought I knew. But I'm the fool. They
say the world is all a stage and we're just
(27:21):
actors off the page. I disagree. We're in a cage.
Who knew that life would be so cruel? When everyone
I've dated thinks I mean and weak and cruel? Have
I shat in the dating pool? I flew like wind
across the quad. No feet of man nor act of
God could stop me from confronting Wade and trying to
make amends. Toss me a bone and let me catch it.
(27:42):
Dig me a hole to bury the hatchet, Thread me
a needle so I can patch it up before the
bitter end. Forgive me, Wade. I wanted to bring this
painful chapter to its end and reap the closure I intend.
(28:11):
Written and directed by Noah Feinberg. That's me, sound design
and score by Jeremiah Zimmerman, starring Noah Feinberg Me as Damian,
Ray Santiago as Santy, and Matteo, Nico Greatham as Wade,
Augustus Prue as Elias, Scott Evans as Big Tough, Jeffrey
Self as bell Boy, Tina Majorino as Doctor Wiley, Obi
(28:33):
Abailey as PM, Peter Gabriel Ruiz as Joma, Sadie Dickinson
as Meg. Additional voices by Megan Taylor, Harvey, Susan C. Bennett, Verona,
blue Mark Bramhall, Brian Daniel Porter, Chris Dickey, Aaron Coker,
Christopher Corbin, Kiff Danden Wavel, and Rhys Griffin. Opening theme
by Alex Yoder, casting director, Sonny Bowling and Meg Mormon.
(28:56):
Executive producers from iHeart, Trevor Young and Matt Frederick executive
producers from Blumbhouse, Chris Sticky and Noah Feinberg. That's Me.
Executive producers from Mber twenty David Fwaitz and Jimmy Jellina,
supervising producer Rachel Foley, editor Noah Feinberg.
Speaker 4 (29:13):
That's Me,
The Hookup is a production of iHeart Podcasts, Blumhouse Television
and Amber twenty. Listener discretion is totally advised. I don't
understand what you're not getting, Santi. They are one thousand
percent gay.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
I hear you, boy, though, I just think you're describing
a little too much meaning to a children's book.
Speaker 1 (00:22):
Who said anything about meaning? I am just stating the
fact that Frog and Toad are gay. I don't mean
anything by that, It's just how it is. Every night
Frog drills Toad fact. I mean, haven't you ever gotten
like a foot job from a guy with webbed feet?
It just hits different. So Toad is the bottom I
(00:42):
would have guessed it was Frog, a common misconception which
causes Toad a good deal of grief. See Toad feels
insecure because as the older man dating a strapping, young
twunk like Frog, the societal expectation is for Toad to
be the agro top Zadi type. But that's simply not
the case, and it explains why Toad is kind of
(01:03):
such a grumpy cuck all the time. All that bottom
shaming has really gone to him over the years. Are
you going to finish your onion rings?
Speaker 2 (01:09):
By all means, hey, while we're on the topic, can
I ask you something he may when you and Wade fucked?
Who is the frog and who is the toad?
Speaker 3 (01:22):
Damien?
Speaker 1 (01:23):
This is Wade. I'm confused. So this Wade, he was
the real person. You lost your virginity too. You told
me it was santy to what you know about Wade?
Speaker 4 (01:39):
I know about everything. Boy, you.
Speaker 1 (01:45):
Who's there? You did this to me, Damien Wade.
Speaker 4 (01:52):
You're a wicked boy.
Speaker 1 (01:53):
Damien, I'm not. I'm not wicked.
Speaker 4 (01:56):
You betrayed my trust after I opened up to you. Acker,
you opened up for me too.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
Ever, since I met with doctor Wiley the other day
and reopened those older wounds, all I can dream about
now is wide. I mean, I thought the Sandy dreams
were bad, but this. I'm not sure what the frog
and toad part was about, though, that was weird. I mean,
I outed someone. He may have been like a barrel
of waste, but still that's really bad form. So try
(02:37):
as I might to focus on the conversion popper hive
mind conspiracy at hand, Lately, I keep hearing this steady
thump wherever I go, Like the guy in the Telltale Heart.
You know, tormented by the heartbeat of the man he
dismembered and hit under the floorboards. Okay, I don't know
if he like dismembered him. I might have made that
part up, except instead of a heartbeat. Once upon a
(03:01):
Tuesday dismal, while I mourned my own abysmal sins against
a gentleman who wronged me, yet I wronged him worse.
While I lay there, glum and gloomy on my own,
no man nor roomy. I fucked up. I know, So
sue me, Sue me for my crimes perverse. I hear
the haunting, rhythmic, thrusting phantoms of my crimes perverse echo
like a telltale curse. Since yester when I hit afraid
(03:23):
espying him the boy called Wade, whom not two years
ago I outed. When circumstances grew adverse, the guilt inside
has reawakened a deep remorse. I want no stake in
the smell of shame, like mourning bacon, pungent, like the
porker's curse. Perhaps I must atone, I mutter, should I
seek to shed this curse from which I'm forced to
speak in verse as I started gently flapping my phone
(03:45):
produced a high pitched wrapping. It's just a pop up
bed for a sex shop called Chalk Full of Nuts.
The customer comes first. Ugh. Sex shops have been using
that slogan since Pilgrim Time in Metal is a ghost
town these days. There's like hardly anyone on here anymore.
(04:07):
Have they all turned straight like Matteo? Ugh take cover
guilt approaching. Speaking of the paupers plan, I've set my
sights upon the man whose craven scheme I do believe
has brought the end so niish and furthermore to raise
the ante. Perhaps he also murdered Santi with fava beans
(04:30):
and nice KIANTI how he truly seemed the shyest. I
mustn't get bamboozled, for the wildest men are off the shyest.
I'm onto you, my sweet Elias. Okay, But at the
same time, what do I actually know about this alias kid?
I know he somehow ended up at PM Peter's game
Night of the Damned. I know he and Santy were
(04:53):
competing for a prestigious research grant, evident by the photo
I found of them in the science building yesterday. And
and I know he's kind of cute. He reminds me
of how in high school I had this imaginary boyfriend
named Cotton who I'd visit on his family's farm in
Oklahoma and we'd bang on bails of hey as a sunset.
But I digress. So how does one go about finding
(05:16):
this elusive Elias. Well, for starters, one needs to be
an adept cyberstalker. Crustwick University Elias Crustwick University, Elias Research grant. Nope,
(05:37):
farm boy, barnyard porn, that's for later. I mean, you'd
think with a name like Elias, he'd be easier to
pin down, but I'm not worried. I swiped the photo
of Elias and Santy from the lab reverse image search.
This is a handy tool I used to find a
(05:57):
guy's socials based on his dating Appics can form an
extreme opinion without ever having to meet him. You just
upload a photo and boom, I knew it. The first
result is a LinkedIn profile for one Elias Laski. That's
twenty first century sleuthing for you, man. I am so
crafty and relatable. Okay, let's see Originally from Iowa Studies
(06:21):
Medical Science at Crestwick u oh and works weekends at
the Crestwick Student Clinic as an assistant prep nurse. Wait,
nobody talk to me. I feel a plan coming together.
Some sort of accidental meet cute at the student clinic
mayhap lull him into a false sense of security, so
he tips his hand. I hatch deployed. It must succeed
(06:44):
to boil this here centipede. I've stalked him, and I
don't believe our pallid purpose, pure and pious. He works
part time at our scholastic clinic, getting pre med practice,
handing out free prophylactics meant to quell the HI virus.
I'm overdue, in any case, to go on PRAP to
stop the virus. I'll bury you, friend, so call me eyelish. Okay,
(07:06):
that one wasn't my best work. Hi, I have an
(07:27):
appointment for Damien Hurst. Mm hmmm.
Speaker 5 (07:30):
And what's the purpose of your visit to go on prep?
Speaker 1 (07:34):
Mm hmmm.
Speaker 5 (07:35):
I'll need to ask you a few questions.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
First.
Speaker 5 (07:38):
Are you sexually active?
Speaker 1 (07:39):
Believe it or not? I am a virgin? Really, yes, really,
I'm saving myself for Jesus. I hear he likes him tight.
I will stand by that joke until my dying breath.
Which might be soon.
Speaker 5 (07:55):
Have the following. Which types of sex do you practice
vaginal sex, anal sex, oral sex.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
Anal and oral but not like combined? You know, I
mean not yet?
Speaker 5 (08:10):
And uh when it comes to anal sex, do you
practice insertive, receptive or both both?
Speaker 1 (08:18):
I mean historically I fancied myself at top, but some
recent expirations have raised the question of whether I really
do prefer it or if I'm just like you know,
pray to the bottom shaming stigma in the k community.
You know what I mean?
Speaker 5 (08:30):
Receptive? All right, have a seat in your student nurse.
Speaker 4 (08:33):
Will be right with you.
Speaker 3 (08:34):
Thanks, and don't forget to visit the Barnacle boutique. Just
stock up on Crestwick spirit gear for tomorrow's badminton Championship.
On the heels of last year's crushing defeat against the
Saint Bartholomew Bulls, the Crestwick Crustaceans are poised to reclaim
the gold in tomorrow's game. Thanks Anna, I'll be sure
to show my crustation pride.
Speaker 5 (08:55):
Damien, you can head on back to the exam room now.
Speaker 1 (09:00):
Seatful pretense as aside, I am overdue to be on prep,
especially now that I have to worry about catching heterosexuality too.
I just don't have the capacity for much else.
Speaker 4 (09:11):
All right, mister hurt Damien Elias, Huh do you work here?
Speaker 1 (09:16):
That's a bizarre coincidence.
Speaker 4 (09:18):
I don't believe in coincidences.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Shit, he's onto me already.
Speaker 4 (09:23):
Everything happens for a reason, So if the universe brought
us back together, it's no coincidence.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Oh oh, I'm glad you made it out of p
and Peter's Townhouse of Terror in one.
Speaker 4 (09:35):
Piece, barely, are you okay?
Speaker 1 (09:38):
I mean in a severely traumatized kind of way.
Speaker 4 (09:41):
Yeah, that was a really intense game of Werewolf. U.
Speaker 1 (09:46):
I was referring more to Peter and Big Top going insane,
but yeah, werewolf too.
Speaker 4 (09:53):
Did you see what happened to that other guy, the
one who hated you, Big Top, the other one right him?
Is he okay?
Speaker 1 (10:03):
He escaped?
Speaker 4 (10:05):
That's good. So you're here to get on prep right?
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Huh? All right, I guess we're done talking about that.
Speaker 4 (10:14):
Uh yeah, have you taken it before?
Speaker 1 (10:18):
I've sort of been putting it off, just never felt
like I needed it.
Speaker 4 (10:22):
Life begins outside your comfort zone.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
M Life begins screaming, covered in afterburth.
Speaker 4 (10:27):
Fine, but going on prep isn't some admission off to
pravity or loose morals? Say?
Speaker 1 (10:33):
Ah uh, I know that, and you know that, but
the ovarmin flight on my head that dictates my self
wealth hasn't got m mallow. Why'd you throw the swab away?
Isn't that part of the exam?
Speaker 4 (10:48):
Oh? No, I was just testing your reflexes, testing my Oh,
lift up your shirt.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
In hey, Okay, okay, that's enough of that. The stethoscope
was really cold.
Speaker 4 (11:11):
You're cute when you're flustered, Damien.
Speaker 1 (11:14):
Focus. There's time to get dicked down later. Right now,
we need to shift this conversation towards Santy and the
Ashcroft Inlet research grant. Careful now, I just might fall
for you, cute, funny future doctor.
Speaker 4 (11:27):
Not quite. My major's actually medical science. I just like
to volunteer at the clinic to help people get on prap.
Speaker 1 (11:33):
Okay, okay, I can work with this right, medical science?
So is that like a lot of research and stuff?
Speaker 4 (11:42):
Yep? I'm actually part of our whole research grant program.
Give me your.
Speaker 1 (11:45):
Arm rad tell me about it.
Speaker 4 (11:49):
Really, it's not that interesting.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
I think everything about you is interesting.
Speaker 4 (11:54):
Elias okay, wow, your research project that will make me
eligible for a huge grant when I graduate.
Speaker 1 (12:04):
Way cool? Uh what are you researching?
Speaker 4 (12:07):
It's a chemical compound. I underestimated the commitment though. I've
had practically no free time since I started the program
yoga dating. I even had to quit the badminton team
this year to make time.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
By code red, Elias was on the badminton team. That
means he owns a crust big badminton hoodie, which makes
him supremely eligible to be my stalker.
Speaker 4 (12:31):
Anyway, How are you with needles?
Speaker 1 (12:44):
I'm sorry?
Speaker 4 (12:46):
Are you squeamish about needles for drawing blood?
Speaker 1 (12:50):
Oh? Oh uh no, no not really.
Speaker 4 (12:53):
Oh wow, so brave?
Speaker 1 (12:57):
Do I get a lolly?
Speaker 4 (12:58):
We'll see.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Wait, that wasn't me flirting. I really want a lollipop.
I bet you looked good in the badminton uniform.
Speaker 4 (13:06):
I looked great, but my partner on the grand project
went a wall, so I had to quit the team
to pick up the slack awall.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
What happened?
Speaker 4 (13:15):
Oh, it was bizarre. The guy his name is Santiago,
just disappeared one day.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Oh yeah, I remember hearing about that. I didn't know him.
Were you too close? You ask a lot of questions,
but think of all the things I know because I asked.
Speaker 4 (13:33):
Can't argue with that. It was a weird situation. Santi
and I were working side by side for hours every day,
but only one of us would receive the grant upon graduating.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
And there it is who remembers the word of the
day mony, gotcha?
Speaker 4 (13:53):
But now that Santy is Mia Santi, are you guys
on nickname? Basis? Now?
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Shit? Careful dame?
Speaker 4 (14:03):
It feels a little morbid to talk about. But well,
the truth is, as long as Santi was in the picture,
I never stood a chance at winning.
Speaker 1 (14:13):
How's that?
Speaker 4 (14:14):
Well? Key and I were evenly matched in terms of
brain power, work ethic, but Santi had the big d diversity.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Oh oh, optics wise, Santiago Ramos was the more desirable winner. Ah,
I just feel like there's something wrong with that sentiment.
I don't know, you had the whole gay thing going
for you. Doesn't that count?
Speaker 4 (14:45):
Oh?
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Well, I guess Santi was gay too, so it cancels out.
Speaker 4 (14:49):
Didn't you hear? Gay's not diverse anymore?
Speaker 1 (14:52):
Right? So nobody's heard from him, not since.
Speaker 4 (14:56):
He went missing the night of last year's championship game.
So I guess it's almost exactly a year ago.
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Time flies when you murder your rival for academic gain.
But wait, shit, that's right. It was the night of
the Bad Mitten game and Elias was still on the
team at that point, which means Elias has an alibi.
So I rescind my battle cry. It seems his only
crime is of a nature hippocratic and keeping with the
(15:24):
mockery and paltry sleuth ad hockery, this mysteries debauchery remains
as ever enigmatic to better sleuth than me. Perhaps it's
not so enigmatic, nor hide wager.
Speaker 4 (15:36):
So traumatic not done. Now, let's talk band aids. We've
got Batman, Pokemon or I stand with.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Ukraine, I mean Pokemon.
Speaker 4 (15:49):
Please, once we get the results back on your blood work,
we'll go ahead and call in your prescription.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
That easy, huh.
Speaker 4 (15:57):
I do have one more question, He's told totally about
to ask me out.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
I'm flattered.
Speaker 4 (16:02):
How didn't you know Santy was gay?
Speaker 1 (16:05):
Uh? Huh?
Speaker 4 (16:06):
Earlier you mentioned something about Santy being gay. How do
you know that?
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Uh? Are you sure you must have mentioned it first?
Speaker 4 (16:15):
No, I'm pretty sure I didn't. Fuck right?
Speaker 1 (16:19):
Oh, you know what I actually did vaguely know Santy.
We never met or anything. I was just like aware
of a gay kid named Santy that goes to school here.
Speaker 4 (16:32):
Gotcha, No you didn't. You said you didn't know him.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Okay, we've hit a wee fork in the road here,
leaving me with two options. Option A would be to
keep lying my way out of this. That's historically been
my knee jerk reaction, although it is also how I
twisted myself into this knot so maybe it is time
for option B. The truth. Well, okay, and a bridge
(16:57):
version of it. You're right, Elias, I haven't been completely
honest with you. The truth is I did know Santi.
I knew him a lot.
Speaker 4 (17:11):
Were you guys together?
Speaker 1 (17:14):
It was confusing and complicated, but yeah we were.
Speaker 4 (17:20):
So this whole routine where you pretend to run into
me under the pretense of a prep appointment was just
to pump me for information because you knew he and
I were competing for the grant and that made me
a suspect, which.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
I now know you're not because you have an alibi.
You were playing in the badminton game. See problem solved? Yay?
Speaker 4 (17:44):
Wow?
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Are you mad?
Speaker 4 (17:46):
Are you mad. You thought I was a murderer.
Speaker 1 (17:49):
Well, to be fair, somebody wearing a Crustwit crustacean hoodie
has been following me lately, so I actually thought you
might be a murderer and a stalker. Needless to say
that sentence did not achieve the intended effect.
Speaker 4 (18:02):
Definitely needless, and your logic doesn't even track. You say
your stalker plays on the babminton team, and you also
think your stalker is Santy's kidnapper. But since Santy was
taken during the babminton game, then theoretically everyone on the
team would have an alibi, which means nobody could have
committed the crime.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Wow, he's right. How did I miss that? So then
you're saying that the kidnapper and stalker have to be
two separate entities.
Speaker 4 (18:31):
No, what I'm saying is my life coach once came
up with something that I think would be pertinent to
this situation. She said, the simplest solution is often the
most likely.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Is your life coach a thirteenth century philosopher use Otherwise,
pretty sure she didn't come up with.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
That, You know, Damien, for someone with so much dysfunction
in their life, I'd expect you to be more accepting
of a little help.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Excuse me, I'm just saying you're very.
Speaker 4 (19:01):
Cynical, and based on the general disarray of your life,
I'm not sure you have the right.
Speaker 1 (19:07):
To be Wow, okay, And had it occurred to you
that the general disarray of my life is exactly what
gives me the right to be cynical, I'm sure if
my biggest problems were being too white and deciding which
holistic healing crystal would summon the goddess of self care,
I'd be doctor optimists too. And honestly, what even is
your point about the simplest solution being the right one?
Speaker 4 (19:30):
My point is that there probably is no killer Santy
left you. Ah, I'm sorry, Demian shouldn't have said anything.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
No, No, You're right. It's a very real possibility, isn't
it fucked up? How the outcome and which Santy wasn't
murdered is the one I'm more afraid of.
Speaker 4 (19:55):
Wow, when you find Santy, we can just keep that
between us.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
I'm really sorry, Elias. I didn't mean to come after
you like that. I'm just so frustrated, like every lead
only leads to a dead end. It's like I'm shackled
to square one and I what I know, this isn't
what matters right now, But I think I might be
(20:23):
a kind of shitty detective.
Speaker 4 (20:25):
Hey, that's not true. You tracked me down here, didn't you.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Yeah, I guess I am pretty crafty and relatable.
Speaker 4 (20:34):
Besides, I doubt you'll have many more mysteries like this
is sold in your lifetime, so you should be fine.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
I'm majoring an investigative journalism.
Speaker 4 (20:42):
Oh right, have you considered switching majors? There is something else?
And I'm not sure if I should say anything, because
the last thing I'd want is to desecrate your memory.
Speaker 1 (21:00):
What are you talking about? Tell me I wasn't just.
Speaker 4 (21:04):
Being cagy before. Ashcroft inlet is conservative with the information
they share. When Santi and I were initially selected for
the grant program, we were told the bulk of our
research would be testing various biochemical interactions against a specific
drug they were developing.
Speaker 1 (21:22):
Now streaming on exposition plus.
Speaker 4 (21:25):
The people from the Foundation called it agent M and
it's apparently such a groundbreaking medical advancement that we aren't
allowed to know what it really even is.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Yet that sounds shady.
Speaker 4 (21:37):
I know, it's just it's been so exciting to be
part of something important. I may have willfully overlooked some
red flags, but Agent M is I mean, it's remarkable,
even without knowing its intended purpose. Just watching the way
it manipulates and reshapes organic matter is mesmerizing.
Speaker 1 (21:58):
Well, if there was any doubt that Agent M became
a hookup, I'd say it's now entirely dispelled.
Speaker 4 (22:04):
But the point remains. Earlier, when you asked about the
actual objective of the project, you weren't told. Well, I wasn't,
meaning not long before Santy disappeared, he started having a
lot of closed door conversations with our supervisors. At the time,
(22:27):
I just assumed it meant he was the front runner.
But then I'd started catching him at the lab, but
weird hours sneaking around hying about it, and when I
raised the issue with the Foundation, they completely shut me down.
Speaker 1 (22:42):
So you think Santy found out what Agent M is?
Speaker 4 (22:45):
Obviously I can't know for sure, but definitely felt that way.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
Do you think do you think the Foundation did something
to him?
Speaker 4 (22:58):
I did at first, but I can't make it make sense.
He was their golden boy. I do think Santy was
involved in something on Savory. I just can't imagine how
it factors into his disappearance.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
If what Elias is saying is legit, then not only
was Santy helping develop a conversion drug, he was on
board with it.
Speaker 4 (23:23):
I know about everything.
Speaker 1 (23:24):
Boy, you no, there's no fucking way the Santy I
knew would never do that. Though maybe the Santy I
knew wasn't the real Santy at all.
Speaker 4 (23:37):
I feel sick. I'm so sorry, Damien, and none if
this even means anything I could have misinterpreted or no,
I'm glad you told me this. You know, it takes
forty three muscles to frown, but only seventeen to smile,
So when you think about it, it's really much easier
(23:57):
to just put on a happy base.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
Oh me a fucking break.
Speaker 4 (24:01):
But life snow foam when you take the easy way out.
So I say it's a ok to cry.
Speaker 1 (24:08):
Yeah, you're right. Did your life coach tell you that?
Speaker 4 (24:13):
Worse it was in today's horoscope? Anyway, enough sad talk,
it's my turn, your turn for what to say?
Speaker 1 (24:27):
Ah ooh what do you just like that? His mouth
is open while I get lucky. Here's to hope him
up and down. He bobs on me, his torso twisting
like a screw. But do I find him still suspicious? Gaming?
M you taste delicious between the gulps and gags and kisses.
I've warmed up to this rendezvous. I know I'm on
(24:48):
a mission and it's not the time for rendezvous, but
I surrender Waterloo. But just as I'm about to bust again,
I hear that haunting thrust, a telltale guilt for what
I did to wade. The won't leave me alone. I
try to focus on the oral, casting out these pesky morals.
Sick of this internal quarrel. Fine, I'm ready to atone.
(25:08):
I'm terrified to face him, though I have no choice
but to a tone. But first I've got to lose
this bone. Nor stop stop stop.
Speaker 4 (25:18):
What I I thought you were down? I'm sorry, I was.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
I am. There's just something that's been weighing on me,
and I have to go deal with.
Speaker 4 (25:28):
It right now. Okay, can I help? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Keep an ear to the ground. If the Ashcroft inlet
is playing mad scientist, I want to know about it.
Speaker 4 (25:41):
Okay, will I see you again?
Speaker 1 (25:44):
I can't recommend it. Bad things tend to happen to
the people in my orbit. Just trust me, Elias. I'm
a whole lot of drama that you want no part of.
Speaker 4 (25:53):
I don't mind a little drama. All the world's at
stage right, Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:58):
But with my luck probably stage crew. Goodbye, Elias. The
Japanese have this term kenjataimu, referring to the mental and
emotional clarity felt immediately after sex without any carnal desires
to impede judgment. This period is supposedly when the answers
(26:19):
to all life's problems becomes clear. Well, I call bs.
In the fifteen minutes it takes me to cross the
quad and reach wades on campus apartment, my questions have
only amplified. What if Wade won't forgive me? Could Santy
really have been involved in creating the hookup? Why was
I rhyming to the poetic meter of the raven while
(26:39):
I was thematically referencing the telltale heart. All of these
questions and more permeate my mind as I approach Wade's door.
But for a moment, I'm weirdly grateful to be here.
Since my investigation into Santy and the hookup has stalled,
there's an unexpected comfort to at least knowing what steps
I have to take with Wade. May be a shoddy
(27:01):
detective and an even shoddier poet, but at least I
have the tools to not be a shoddy person. Speaking
of poetry, let's wrap this shit up. Once upon a
Tuesday dismal while I mourned my own abysmal memories of Santy,
who I thought I knew. But I'm the fool. They
say the world is all a stage and we're just
(27:21):
actors off the page. I disagree. We're in a cage.
Who knew that life would be so cruel? When everyone
I've dated thinks I mean and weak and cruel? Have
I shat in the dating pool? I flew like wind
across the quad. No feet of man nor act of
God could stop me from confronting Wade and trying to
make amends. Toss me a bone and let me catch it.
(27:42):
Dig me a hole to bury the hatchet, Thread me
a needle so I can patch it up before the
bitter end. Forgive me, Wade. I wanted to bring this
painful chapter to its end and reap the closure I intend.
(28:11):
Written and directed by Noah Feinberg. That's me, sound design
and score by Jeremiah Zimmerman, starring Noah Feinberg Me as Damian,
Ray Santiago as Santy, and Matteo, Nico Greatham as Wade,
Augustus Prue as Elias, Scott Evans as Big Tough, Jeffrey
Self as bell Boy, Tina Majorino as Doctor Wiley, Obi
(28:33):
Abailey as PM, Peter Gabriel Ruiz as Joma, Sadie Dickinson
as Meg. Additional voices by Megan Taylor, Harvey, Susan C. Bennett, Verona,
blue Mark Bramhall, Brian Daniel Porter, Chris Dickey, Aaron Coker,
Christopher Corbin, Kiff Danden Wavel, and Rhys Griffin. Opening theme
by Alex Yoder, casting director, Sonny Bowling and Meg Mormon.
(28:56):
Executive producers from iHeart, Trevor Young and Matt Frederick executive
producers from Blumbhouse, Chris Sticky and Noah Feinberg. That's Me.
Executive producers from Mber twenty David Fwaitz and Jimmy Jellina,
supervising producer Rachel Foley, editor Noah Feinberg.
Speaker 4 (29:13):
That's Me,
Host
Noah Feinberg
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