January 26, 2024 • 31 mins
Thursday (pt 1 of 2): On today’s Late Riser’s Podcast, the folks at Whitey Ford have actually gone insane.. - John Boy delivers some unnecessary justification for bacon.. - and Mr. Rhubarb spells out American Politics..
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
And now the moment you've all been waiting for, what
some folks consider the single best part of the John
Boy and Billy Big Show, a highly anticipated highlight that's
short of please.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
It's a break from all the stupid right here on
the really big shoe, captidatlen.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Uh huh, good morning, The Big Show is on the
radio right on time, and everything. Finally my New Year's
resolution kicking in. Wat. I want to tell me about
twenty four days, man good good been living my father. Yeah.
By the way, I'm looking at the collar, who was reaching.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Them all.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
Right?
Speaker 2 (01:17):
Saying? I thought that cuz I Will probably been telling
you all that last week that he was gonna be
in the studio this week. He did because Tater showed
me that the cousin was gonna be here when she
was talking about it. I thought she meant this week.
But it's like, I don't know. You mean cousin isn't
gonna be here? No, man, stupid Tator. I'm just all
(01:39):
excited about cousin. Man, then you tell me about it.
Did you not hear me talking all last week?
Speaker 4 (01:45):
Ma'am?
Speaker 5 (01:45):
Man make a suggestion. We need to move that calendar
closer to the microphone.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Doesn't it come off the wall? It does? It does? Yeah? Wait,
when is cousin coming to mars? He's coming coming on
the dirty bars. Alright, well, here we are boys. Let's
go ahead and jump in here and give. All right,
let my instincts stay over, Let's give. Let's give. It's
uh nearing, Valentine.
Speaker 5 (02:11):
Let your instincts here.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
What have you been using up to this point? We're
playing for a personalized paperback romance novel, oh, starring you
and your special someone from your novel dot com wild
or mild. It's easy to live the fantasy. Find out
how at the big show dot com? He told this
(02:33):
baby doll. We'll get these up toward Valentine's today. What
a unique gift, right there? Any settings you have different stories,
you know you can put you and your special someone in. Yeah,
I just want to, you know, be mean to somebody.
Speaker 5 (02:48):
You know, the manager at pick and pay could have
like Ryan wife in it or something like that.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Remember the time you interviewed yourself. You could probably you know,
write a pay yourself. I'm kind of a our colony. Excellent, Yeah,
now you're talking. Now you're we're gonna give you legs
up here and play outburst before you know it? All right,
what ain't on a big show calling on? You're playing
(03:14):
minutes Good morning, Big shows on the radio, getting you
ready for our first contest of the morning. You know
we wake up playing outbursts. There's like a three days
in history. This will be our categorist. Here you go,
your legs up. But it's January twenty fifth. On this
date in eighteen seventy, gust of Us Dows patent died
(03:37):
the soda fountain. Now that's the name I've never heard before.
I don't know either. You think a guy that had
been ed something like that, You know he is Gusphas
Dows Goos. I move up to nineteen forty seven. Mobster
al Capone died from syphilis at the age of forty eight.
A's a gang boss of Chicago. Copone earned more than
(03:59):
one hundred thousand dollars a week and had half of
the Chicago police force on his payroll. But his doctor
apparently wasn't very good. It's a cold. I'll be fine,
I finally was on a date. In nineteen ninety three,
Sears announced it would close its pioneering catalog sales department
(04:19):
after ninety seven years. I guess we all grew up
on the Seers catalog going through. That's what I said,
Tony Santa Claus, you know got his toys and seers
back when I started questioning wish book. He's got one
just like hat on his coffee tube. Of course that
was fifteen. Yeah, looking at the Winden's launcher a section.
(04:40):
That's why they call it the wish Book. But there
you go. There's some categories one eight hundred. Big show,
as you told free line across America. Come on when
we play out Burst next, let's big show already you
(05:16):
want to do your morning? Let me get the world
and what is Upburst? Let's play Upburst. It's the game
that anyone can win. John Boy and Billy give.
Speaker 4 (05:32):
You prizzes from the big prize beer.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Let's go ma contest the number one of this should
never be a lot of fun when you're playing upperst
have a hurry up and gust time. You love the
best time. You have a big shots. Let's say, hey
the band from Bool Wale Missus Sippy, we have with
(05:58):
these shots. Good morning Ben, good morning, hey Buddy, welcome
you ready to go? Oh? I think he was. He
just hung on. Well I can't get Ben back. Let's
go to who's next in line? All right? Moving on
(06:20):
from has been we got stand from rock Hill, South Carolina.
Good morning stand, Good morning, hey buddy, he is like,
we're your density. You were meant to win. Don't blow it?
All right, okay, buddy, here we go in five seconds.
Three soda pops. Ready go off to arousing starts. Now
(06:44):
we need three STPs. No wait, no, no, that's motoroles,
three STDs a first time every category on now verse
ready to go. Oh hey, that's why right a commun
(07:06):
don't didn't know Elizabeth Taylor play her? No, that was
clear paper. I'm not sure cameleon person to say it? Uh?
Hey for effort and now for the wind. We need
three department stores. Ready go caarteah, man, let me stay,
(07:30):
let me staying. Ben's gone staying. You did it, man,
You got that Pro Flowers gift certificate, make you old
Valentine happy? And this Valentine's Day thanks to pro Flowers.
Speaker 6 (07:43):
Good.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
I ain't any dog house Valentine's Day. God, dang you
hang on, I'll put you on with Jackie. Thank you.
Why don't jump out?
Speaker 3 (07:59):
Cat?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
You ump bone all your news going on around you,
and we'll catch you up on the latest roundup of
dumb crump News. About twenty Good morning makes show us
(08:44):
on the radio. We've filled in right here. Since we
have a new sponsors this year, we look back at
some of the alarms we used to have to use
that are neither simple norse. Check this out. It's late
at night, you're fast asleep and a shut away figure
as I am about to break into your home, but
you're protected.
Speaker 7 (09:07):
Yes, it's the James Brown home Security along the heart
is working alarm in the safety business, designed by the
godfather of home protection himself. The James Brown alarm protects
you from burgloves, vandals, peeping tall and if you act now,
(09:32):
we'll included no extra cost the pattern of James Brown
hotpants fire along. So put the soul patrol on your
keyhole with a James Brown home security system.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
You'll say, taping the morning to tell you the Big
(10:16):
Show's on the radio.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
It's time for dumb cook News Now. I'm groc Story's
greet newspapers wire services across American sent in by you
to Big Show listener. The address will follow this report
a Marion, Illinois man was arrested for stealing a street sweeper.
The operator of the sweeper had left it running when
he climbed off to use a leaf floor on a
(10:42):
problem spot in a grocery store parking lot. Twenty seven
year old man fleeing from police on a trespassing charge
spotted the sweeper, hopped on and tried to use it
to make us get away. He was arrested after a
very brief and very low speed chase. A veteran member
of the Apopka, Florida Fire Department resigned after an ugly
(11:06):
incident at a Christmas party last month. He set a
co worker on fire. Well, you know, if somebody's going
to do that to you, that'd be the party to
be at. It say, around midnight, the man poured lighter
fluid on the second firefighter's leg and lit him on fire.
Police spokesman says it's unclear if either man was drinking,
(11:27):
but they know that alcohol was definitely infatable at the party.
They've bet there, you're soaking in it. If a police
profiler was writing up a description of a man who
robbed several banks in Phoenix recently, that probably described him
as a risk taker, desperate and really bad at math.
(11:47):
During one of the robberies, who suspect told the teller
to fill his back with money, all of it. In twenties,
forties and sixties, broke into a house in Wilmington, Delaware
through a window and discovered a well stocked bar inside.
So well stocked that the man stayed for several days,
(12:09):
finishing off three bottles of gin and two bottles of whiskey. Well.
When he finally decided to hit the road, the burglar
discovered that all the doors in the house needed a
key to open them, even from the inside. Finding himself
too drunk to make it through the window he had
used to come in, the man called nine to one
one to ask for help. He was rescued and arrested.
(12:33):
Investigators say the suspect had no one but himself to
blame for his door problems. The homeowner had a special
double locks installed when the same man broke into the
house of April last year. That's a nice place. I'm
going back. Dumb government news, and I asked. Mosito of
(12:55):
Boston got a letter from the Suffolk County Courthouse recently.
It was a for jury duty addressed to her cat,
Tabby sal As Mositi. Will thinks Sal's name got into
the system when he listened to him in the household
pets category on the twenty ten census. She wrote a
letter to the Clerk of Court and included a note
from her vent confirming that Sal was a domestic, short haired,
(13:18):
neutered feeline. A few days later, Esposito got a reply
ordering saltr report to the courthouse as scheduled. He's sent
to join the jury pool. On March Dumb Grandpa News,
a seventy seven year old Jacksonville, Florida man tried to
help his daughter out by riding his bicycle to a
(13:40):
Jacksonville preschool to give his four year old grandson a
ride home. Grandpa made it back safely with a kid
on the back of his bike. Unfortunately, the kid was
not his grandson. The man's daughter was horrified and more
than a little baffled, telling police the two boys don't
even look tad do something nice is what happened. And finally,
(14:09):
two residents of a trailer park in Safety Harbor, Florida,
we're rested with a nine to one one call brought
police to break up their drunken brawl. Investigators say the
men were arguing over whether the late country music legend
Conway Twitty was gay. Okay, you got dumb crook News
(14:32):
mail to dumb crooked News, John Boynbilly po Box seventy
six sixty three, Charlotte d See two eight two four one,
or anybody but me at the Big Shield dot Com. Hello, listen,
Ricky B. Sharp from Don't Alabama. What I've starting my
(14:54):
day as the beloved fast food mascot Pizza Rutt.
Speaker 8 (14:58):
Ctor tupped Papa listen tunes into John boyd Philly on
the Big Show. It ain't that he loves the show,
but it's the only thing that chases the rats out
of the dope flower that of them.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Good morning, got a big show on the radio, and
it's offs, you know, the Big Show brought to you
by Whitey for what a new Ford car or druck ball.
Thank you can't afford it? Think again, Big Ratt Johnson says,
Come get the new board of your choice right now
at Whitey Ford. Fink it out, drive it home.
Speaker 4 (15:58):
No money doubt, oh security deposit, no first payment, in fact,
no payments at all. It's absolutely free. How can Big
Red Johnson give you the new Ford of grtuation for
it free because I don't own Whitey for it. Frank
Whitey does. And for the last six months he's been
messing around.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
With my wife.
Speaker 4 (16:17):
Big Red Johnson has been wrong. You're dying, Skippy. But
that's all over now. I got him both tied up
right here in the show run. He's got a gun too.
What Frank Whitey's done to me all to kill him. Instead,
I'm gonna hit him right or it hurts some move.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
In the pocket book. You want a car, come get
it free. Keys are on the big board out front.
Speaker 4 (16:39):
I'll be right here till the last car's gone, or
till the SWAT team shows up.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
It's you're lucky. I don't kill you.
Speaker 4 (16:45):
You no good sun of them and good three clearance.
Hurry in now so waiting for it, and remember Big
Red Johnson says, don't try and think funny and nobody
gets hurt. I'll get on instruck models only, no dealers please.
Speaker 6 (17:00):
Good morning, A big show is on a radio headed
toward John Boyd Jefty Time first review yesterday's question in
case you met your destination before we had a winner
out of the one hundred and thirty two rooms in
a white house.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
Thirty two of them have this in common? What is
a cheerlead? Yes, bathroom rooms? All right, here you go
today's John Wore Jeopardy question. Luckily everything else will continue
to grow. But by the time you hit puberty, this
body part has reached its maximum size. I will defer
(17:37):
to the master Hansom. Would you like to take this one?
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Does that mean he hit puberty when he was seven?
Speaker 4 (17:49):
Just?
Speaker 3 (17:49):
What was mean?
Speaker 2 (17:50):
All right?
Speaker 3 (17:51):
Who w.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
What do y'all think?
Speaker 3 (17:54):
One?
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Ain't hundred big show? You told free line, We'll go
to we get a winter. We played John Boy Jeopardy next.
(18:21):
You wanted to make sure I was on the radio?
John Bowy digging deep? Uh belly Fellers, Terry Taylor attack.
I'm kind of carrying him. Oh you tell what not
dig deep? Carrying me? No? What do you need a
bad Taylor? You're You're my special project?
Speaker 4 (18:42):
Have it?
Speaker 2 (18:43):
I love it testing to Taylor when things are going
bad in my life. I mean that beautiful voice I
was talking about you have. We need to hear more
than that beautiful. That one is annoying. We need a
beautiful boy around here. It's a fine line and two.
(19:04):
Your giggle. We need that lovely, spiry, sexy giggle.
Speaker 4 (19:09):
I know.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
Those are present for Rick Flair. Are you sure you
brought the right tator today? I know the farm Mercy.
That's an it right now?
Speaker 3 (19:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (19:35):
Cool? Live across americayots you all.
Speaker 4 (19:38):
The young boy.
Speaker 9 (19:39):
Jeopardy and now your host like Oprah, he has a
sister he just met. At least that's what he told
his wife when she dropped by unexpectedly the other day's John.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
Moore as they had a mark out of gas Stone
in North Carolina. Good morning, Mark, Good morning, hey buddy,
welcome to John Boyd Jeopardy. Tater is excited you're here,
aren't you. Okay, let's see here. Luckily everything else will
(20:19):
continue to grow, but by the time you hit puberty,
this body part has reached this maximum size. What are
you thinking, I'm gonna say, going with the brain? Oh
what's a brain? By the way, were you texting and
(20:41):
fell into the mall fountain or something? That was a
lot of roids there? Some of them are your naming there, Mark?
All right, well, okay, Boddy, you try again. Thanks you
play all right? Mommy, there have it again for you.
Let's go to Bruce and let seen in South Carolina.
(21:01):
Good morning, Bruce, Hey, good morning John Boy. How are you,
hey man?
Speaker 3 (21:05):
Doing good?
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Welcome? Thank you? All right? What body part? What body
part are you thinking about there, Bruce? I believe it's
the eyes, your eyeballs, puberty, eyeballs stop growing, let's see.
Speaker 5 (21:24):
Although not always a condition they call pelosi osis.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Yeah, the ain't no way in my boss been little
bean kid head. Oh yeah, that's all right, buddy, Bruce. Congratulations, man,
you got the prize pack in the products for good
packs all yours. Oh well, thank you very much. I
appreciate it. I know I'm hang on, Bruce, Jackie hook
you up. Hey, well, thanks so much. Appreciate you and
(21:54):
you buzz. Listen to the Big Show. All right, let's
check you up on your nudes. Then we will think
up my time capsule for the January twenty fifth on homicide.
(22:45):
This is the award winning John Boy and Billy Big Show,
the South's number one export. All right, is that special
promise to to the nurse here ran across?
Speaker 5 (23:04):
Billy just came off the fax machine or worried that
the script wasn't gonna get.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
Hey man, I don't need no script. What I don't
need a script.
Speaker 5 (23:11):
It's a public service announcement. I know that it's National
Health Awareness Week. Public services you're gonna do Try to
do this without a script.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Yeah, I can do it. I can do it. Billy,
you sure make you no, no, no, no, I can
do it. Hey, listen, I've got three kids. I spent
a lot of time in hospitals. All right. I know
it's National Health Awareness Week, and I've taken the pun
myself to learn, you know, more about help and I
would just would like to impart some knowledge. So if
this is kind of a thing like hey, if John
Well can do it, hey.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
I can do it.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
I should know the early warning size. Okay, all right,
so go ahead, you just read off the just throw
some stuff out here. I'll explain it to you. Okay.
Speaker 5 (23:49):
It's National Health Awareness Week. Most medical conditions have early
warning signs. Get to know them. Heart attack it feels
like an elephant sitting on your chest. When that, when
that happens, you know that's not get help.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
Uh. Migrain headache it feels like like an elephant, like
it is hitting you in the head with the with
the baseball bats, real, real hard. No, qual tie hemorrhoids. Uh,
it feels like an elephant. It's like sprinkled hot chili
powder in your in your undies and oh it's it's terrible.
(24:28):
Get help quick with a hernia it Uh, it feels
like an elephant, like kicking you in the growing real
like a back kick with this with his hind leg.
One of the stands up on in the circus schizophrenia. Okay,
it feels like in an elephant. It's like whispering in
(24:50):
your ear saying do this, dude, and and and then
another elephant is like any other ear going no, no,
don't listen to him, dude, do this. Listen to me, lodes,
listen to me. Listen to me. Uh, paranoia, all right,
it feels like an elephant is like talking about you
behind your back and you say, oh yeah, and you
(25:12):
turn around. He just stands there, mister innocon. But but
you know, a snickering to himself boy, and what you
had a gun? You could you can teach him I
had an elephant gun is what you needed? And then
turn around and get to know them.
Speaker 5 (25:26):
This message presented by the National Council for Health Awareness.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
You know, I gotta admit I think John Boya and Dilly.
Good morning radio, dumb right, good morning. It's a big
(26:05):
show on the radio. Right now, let's welcome in mister Rubarb. Hello, Hello,
stand by with my music, Tater, try not to screw
it up. Okay, this is where I dig D give
me to be. Hello Americans. I'm mister Rubarb, America's favorite
(26:29):
shade tree political scientists. And this is mister Rubarb's political alphabet.
I look at modern American politics from A to Z.
A is for America. That's the country we all live in.
Did you know that B is for bailout. This is
(26:50):
money the government gets to a company when they're too
stupid to stay in business. C is for communists. This
is what's the name some people in the government call
other people in the government. Why, usually because they've started
acting like lawy. D is for deficit. This is the
(27:13):
difference between how much money the government spends each year
and how much they have enough nerve to actually collect.
It's a really big number. E is for economy. This
is something really mysterious that nobody in Washington understands it all.
F is for fail. When you give somebody enough money
(27:34):
to win an election. Fail is something you become too
big to do. G is for government. If you want
to get a job done, this is the most expensive
and least efficient way to do it. H is for healthcare.
This is something that used to be a big problem
in America, but last year we fixed it. Now nobody
(27:57):
ever needs to worry about it again unless you do
something really dumb like get sick. I is for investment.
This is a word government people use because it sounds
much better than let's throw a bunch of money at
it and see what happens. J is for jobs. This
is something the government doesn't know how to create, which
(28:20):
is why so many people who used to work in
Washington are out looking for a new one. K is
for clan. This is a group that Republicans get accused
of acting like by Democrats who used to belong to it. Right.
L is for liberal. This is the name you call
someone when you want to make them cry. M is
(28:45):
for middle class. This is the group of people everybody
in the government says they want to help, but nobody
ever gets around to actually doing anything for kenn is
for nutjob. This is the name liberals call anybody who
don't want to give them more money. To spend. Oh
is for Obama, the man who brought America something called
(29:08):
change when what we really need was some folding money
is for paling. When you say this word to Terry Hanson,
it makes his right eye twitch. Let's all say that
together twitch. Q is for quail. Until January of two
(29:32):
thousand and nine, he was the dumbest guy ever to
be vice president. Our is for a Republican. This is
a word that used to mean a person who believes
in small, limited government. Now it means somebody who wants
to spend two trillion dollars we don't have instead of three.
(29:53):
S is for saving. This is something people used to
do with their money. Now you can just wine reel
out of a TV camera until somebody from the government
comes by and writes you a chat. T is for
tea Party. This is a group of people who think
we need the kind of government we had in the
early days of America. But a lot of them wear
(30:14):
stuff like a Paul Revere hat in sweatpants, which can
make it hard to take them serious. US for United
we stand. This is something everybody in America really believed in.
For about a week right after September eleventh, two thousand
and one, then everything went back to normal. V is
(30:36):
for vote. This is something American citizens get to do
from the time you turn eighteen until you die, unless
you live in Chicago where you can keep on doing
it even avelue. And finally, WXYZ is for Channel seven
in Detroit, your home for OPRAH at four to followed
(30:57):
by Action US at five. And that's mister Rubab's political alphabet.
Learn it, know it, live it till next time. This
is mister Rubarb saying e pluribus union, which is Latin
for see, you wouldn't want to be here, Lighter tigers,
(31:18):
Morning Powell.
Speaker 8 (31:19):
When I'm driving the bus in the morning, I always
get the troublemakers. But I figured out how to get
rid of them. I crank up the volume on the
Big Show with John Boy and Billy. They are a
laugh riot and the crackheads hate it.
And now the moment you've all been waiting for, what
some folks consider the single best part of the John
Boy and Billy Big Show, a highly anticipated highlight that's
short of please.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
It's a break from all the stupid right here on
the really big shoe, captidatlen.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Uh huh, good morning, The Big Show is on the
radio right on time, and everything. Finally my New Year's
resolution kicking in. Wat. I want to tell me about
twenty four days, man good good been living my father. Yeah.
By the way, I'm looking at the collar, who was reaching.
Speaker 3 (01:14):
Them all.
Speaker 4 (01:16):
Right?
Speaker 2 (01:17):
Saying? I thought that cuz I Will probably been telling
you all that last week that he was gonna be
in the studio this week. He did because Tater showed
me that the cousin was gonna be here when she
was talking about it. I thought she meant this week.
But it's like, I don't know. You mean cousin isn't
gonna be here? No, man, stupid Tator. I'm just all
(01:39):
excited about cousin. Man, then you tell me about it.
Did you not hear me talking all last week?
Speaker 4 (01:45):
Ma'am?
Speaker 5 (01:45):
Man make a suggestion. We need to move that calendar
closer to the microphone.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Doesn't it come off the wall? It does? It does? Yeah? Wait,
when is cousin coming to mars? He's coming coming on
the dirty bars. Alright, well, here we are boys. Let's
go ahead and jump in here and give. All right,
let my instincts stay over, Let's give. Let's give. It's
uh nearing, Valentine.
Speaker 5 (02:11):
Let your instincts here.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
What have you been using up to this point? We're
playing for a personalized paperback romance novel, oh, starring you
and your special someone from your novel dot com wild
or mild. It's easy to live the fantasy. Find out
how at the big show dot com? He told this
(02:33):
baby doll. We'll get these up toward Valentine's today. What
a unique gift, right there? Any settings you have different stories,
you know you can put you and your special someone in. Yeah,
I just want to, you know, be mean to somebody.
Speaker 5 (02:48):
You know, the manager at pick and pay could have
like Ryan wife in it or something like that.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
Remember the time you interviewed yourself. You could probably you know,
write a pay yourself. I'm kind of a our colony. Excellent, Yeah,
now you're talking. Now you're we're gonna give you legs
up here and play outburst before you know it? All right,
what ain't on a big show calling on? You're playing
(03:14):
minutes Good morning, Big shows on the radio, getting you
ready for our first contest of the morning. You know
we wake up playing outbursts. There's like a three days
in history. This will be our categorist. Here you go,
your legs up. But it's January twenty fifth. On this
date in eighteen seventy, gust of Us Dows patent died
(03:37):
the soda fountain. Now that's the name I've never heard before.
I don't know either. You think a guy that had
been ed something like that, You know he is Gusphas
Dows Goos. I move up to nineteen forty seven. Mobster
al Capone died from syphilis at the age of forty eight.
A's a gang boss of Chicago. Copone earned more than
(03:59):
one hundred thousand dollars a week and had half of
the Chicago police force on his payroll. But his doctor
apparently wasn't very good. It's a cold. I'll be fine,
I finally was on a date. In nineteen ninety three,
Sears announced it would close its pioneering catalog sales department
(04:19):
after ninety seven years. I guess we all grew up
on the Seers catalog going through. That's what I said,
Tony Santa Claus, you know got his toys and seers
back when I started questioning wish book. He's got one
just like hat on his coffee tube. Of course that
was fifteen. Yeah, looking at the Winden's launcher a section.
(04:40):
That's why they call it the wish Book. But there
you go. There's some categories one eight hundred. Big show,
as you told free line across America. Come on when
we play out Burst next, let's big show already you
(05:16):
want to do your morning? Let me get the world
and what is Upburst? Let's play Upburst. It's the game
that anyone can win. John Boy and Billy give.
Speaker 4 (05:32):
You prizzes from the big prize beer.
Speaker 2 (05:35):
Let's go ma contest the number one of this should
never be a lot of fun when you're playing upperst
have a hurry up and gust time. You love the
best time. You have a big shots. Let's say, hey
the band from Bool Wale Missus Sippy, we have with
(05:58):
these shots. Good morning Ben, good morning, hey Buddy, welcome
you ready to go? Oh? I think he was. He
just hung on. Well I can't get Ben back. Let's
go to who's next in line? All right? Moving on
(06:20):
from has been we got stand from rock Hill, South Carolina.
Good morning stand, Good morning, hey buddy, he is like,
we're your density. You were meant to win. Don't blow it?
All right, okay, buddy, here we go in five seconds.
Three soda pops. Ready go off to arousing starts. Now
(06:44):
we need three STPs. No wait, no, no, that's motoroles,
three STDs a first time every category on now verse
ready to go. Oh hey, that's why right a commun
(07:06):
don't didn't know Elizabeth Taylor play her? No, that was
clear paper. I'm not sure cameleon person to say it? Uh?
Hey for effort and now for the wind. We need
three department stores. Ready go caarteah, man, let me stay,
(07:30):
let me staying. Ben's gone staying. You did it, man,
You got that Pro Flowers gift certificate, make you old
Valentine happy? And this Valentine's Day thanks to pro Flowers.
Speaker 6 (07:43):
Good.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
I ain't any dog house Valentine's Day. God, dang you
hang on, I'll put you on with Jackie. Thank you.
Why don't jump out?
Speaker 3 (07:59):
Cat?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
You ump bone all your news going on around you,
and we'll catch you up on the latest roundup of
dumb crump News. About twenty Good morning makes show us
(08:44):
on the radio. We've filled in right here. Since we
have a new sponsors this year, we look back at
some of the alarms we used to have to use
that are neither simple norse. Check this out. It's late
at night, you're fast asleep and a shut away figure
as I am about to break into your home, but
you're protected.
Speaker 7 (09:07):
Yes, it's the James Brown home Security along the heart
is working alarm in the safety business, designed by the
godfather of home protection himself. The James Brown alarm protects
you from burgloves, vandals, peeping tall and if you act now,
(09:32):
we'll included no extra cost the pattern of James Brown
hotpants fire along. So put the soul patrol on your
keyhole with a James Brown home security system.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
You'll say, taping the morning to tell you the Big
(10:16):
Show's on the radio.
Speaker 2 (10:20):
It's time for dumb cook News Now. I'm groc Story's
greet newspapers wire services across American sent in by you
to Big Show listener. The address will follow this report
a Marion, Illinois man was arrested for stealing a street sweeper.
The operator of the sweeper had left it running when
he climbed off to use a leaf floor on a
(10:42):
problem spot in a grocery store parking lot. Twenty seven
year old man fleeing from police on a trespassing charge
spotted the sweeper, hopped on and tried to use it
to make us get away. He was arrested after a
very brief and very low speed chase. A veteran member
of the Apopka, Florida Fire Department resigned after an ugly
(11:06):
incident at a Christmas party last month. He set a
co worker on fire. Well, you know, if somebody's going
to do that to you, that'd be the party to
be at. It say, around midnight, the man poured lighter
fluid on the second firefighter's leg and lit him on fire.
Police spokesman says it's unclear if either man was drinking,
(11:27):
but they know that alcohol was definitely infatable at the party.
They've bet there, you're soaking in it. If a police
profiler was writing up a description of a man who
robbed several banks in Phoenix recently, that probably described him
as a risk taker, desperate and really bad at math.
(11:47):
During one of the robberies, who suspect told the teller
to fill his back with money, all of it. In twenties,
forties and sixties, broke into a house in Wilmington, Delaware
through a window and discovered a well stocked bar inside.
So well stocked that the man stayed for several days,
(12:09):
finishing off three bottles of gin and two bottles of whiskey. Well.
When he finally decided to hit the road, the burglar
discovered that all the doors in the house needed a
key to open them, even from the inside. Finding himself
too drunk to make it through the window he had
used to come in, the man called nine to one
one to ask for help. He was rescued and arrested.
(12:33):
Investigators say the suspect had no one but himself to
blame for his door problems. The homeowner had a special
double locks installed when the same man broke into the
house of April last year. That's a nice place. I'm
going back. Dumb government news, and I asked. Mosito of
(12:55):
Boston got a letter from the Suffolk County Courthouse recently.
It was a for jury duty addressed to her cat,
Tabby sal As Mositi. Will thinks Sal's name got into
the system when he listened to him in the household
pets category on the twenty ten census. She wrote a
letter to the Clerk of Court and included a note
from her vent confirming that Sal was a domestic, short haired,
(13:18):
neutered feeline. A few days later, Esposito got a reply
ordering saltr report to the courthouse as scheduled. He's sent
to join the jury pool. On March Dumb Grandpa News,
a seventy seven year old Jacksonville, Florida man tried to
help his daughter out by riding his bicycle to a
(13:40):
Jacksonville preschool to give his four year old grandson a
ride home. Grandpa made it back safely with a kid
on the back of his bike. Unfortunately, the kid was
not his grandson. The man's daughter was horrified and more
than a little baffled, telling police the two boys don't
even look tad do something nice is what happened. And finally,
(14:09):
two residents of a trailer park in Safety Harbor, Florida,
we're rested with a nine to one one call brought
police to break up their drunken brawl. Investigators say the
men were arguing over whether the late country music legend
Conway Twitty was gay. Okay, you got dumb crook News
(14:32):
mail to dumb crooked News, John Boynbilly po Box seventy
six sixty three, Charlotte d See two eight two four one,
or anybody but me at the Big Shield dot Com. Hello, listen,
Ricky B. Sharp from Don't Alabama. What I've starting my
(14:54):
day as the beloved fast food mascot Pizza Rutt.
Speaker 8 (14:58):
Ctor tupped Papa listen tunes into John boyd Philly on
the Big Show. It ain't that he loves the show,
but it's the only thing that chases the rats out
of the dope flower that of them.
Speaker 2 (15:39):
Good morning, got a big show on the radio, and
it's offs, you know, the Big Show brought to you
by Whitey for what a new Ford car or druck ball.
Thank you can't afford it? Think again, Big Ratt Johnson says,
Come get the new board of your choice right now
at Whitey Ford. Fink it out, drive it home.
Speaker 4 (15:58):
No money doubt, oh security deposit, no first payment, in fact,
no payments at all. It's absolutely free. How can Big
Red Johnson give you the new Ford of grtuation for
it free because I don't own Whitey for it. Frank
Whitey does. And for the last six months he's been
messing around.
Speaker 2 (16:16):
With my wife.
Speaker 4 (16:17):
Big Red Johnson has been wrong. You're dying, Skippy. But
that's all over now. I got him both tied up
right here in the show run. He's got a gun too.
What Frank Whitey's done to me all to kill him. Instead,
I'm gonna hit him right or it hurts some move.
Speaker 2 (16:32):
In the pocket book. You want a car, come get
it free. Keys are on the big board out front.
Speaker 4 (16:39):
I'll be right here till the last car's gone, or
till the SWAT team shows up.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
It's you're lucky. I don't kill you.
Speaker 4 (16:45):
You no good sun of them and good three clearance.
Hurry in now so waiting for it, and remember Big
Red Johnson says, don't try and think funny and nobody
gets hurt. I'll get on instruck models only, no dealers please.
Speaker 6 (17:00):
Good morning, A big show is on a radio headed
toward John Boyd Jefty Time first review yesterday's question in
case you met your destination before we had a winner
out of the one hundred and thirty two rooms in
a white house.
Speaker 2 (17:14):
Thirty two of them have this in common? What is
a cheerlead? Yes, bathroom rooms? All right, here you go
today's John Wore Jeopardy question. Luckily everything else will continue
to grow. But by the time you hit puberty, this
body part has reached its maximum size. I will defer
(17:37):
to the master Hansom. Would you like to take this one?
Speaker 3 (17:39):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (17:42):
Does that mean he hit puberty when he was seven?
Speaker 4 (17:49):
Just?
Speaker 3 (17:49):
What was mean?
Speaker 2 (17:50):
All right?
Speaker 3 (17:51):
Who w.
Speaker 2 (17:53):
What do y'all think?
Speaker 3 (17:54):
One?
Speaker 2 (17:54):
Ain't hundred big show? You told free line, We'll go
to we get a winter. We played John Boy Jeopardy next.
(18:21):
You wanted to make sure I was on the radio?
John Bowy digging deep? Uh belly Fellers, Terry Taylor attack.
I'm kind of carrying him. Oh you tell what not
dig deep? Carrying me? No? What do you need a
bad Taylor? You're You're my special project?
Speaker 4 (18:42):
Have it?
Speaker 2 (18:43):
I love it testing to Taylor when things are going
bad in my life. I mean that beautiful voice I
was talking about you have. We need to hear more
than that beautiful. That one is annoying. We need a
beautiful boy around here. It's a fine line and two.
(19:04):
Your giggle. We need that lovely, spiry, sexy giggle.
Speaker 4 (19:09):
I know.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
Those are present for Rick Flair. Are you sure you
brought the right tator today? I know the farm Mercy.
That's an it right now?
Speaker 3 (19:35):
Yeah?
Speaker 2 (19:35):
Cool? Live across americayots you all.
Speaker 4 (19:38):
The young boy.
Speaker 9 (19:39):
Jeopardy and now your host like Oprah, he has a
sister he just met. At least that's what he told
his wife when she dropped by unexpectedly the other day's John.
Speaker 2 (19:52):
Moore as they had a mark out of gas Stone
in North Carolina. Good morning, Mark, Good morning, hey buddy,
welcome to John Boyd Jeopardy. Tater is excited you're here,
aren't you. Okay, let's see here. Luckily everything else will
(20:19):
continue to grow, but by the time you hit puberty,
this body part has reached this maximum size. What are
you thinking, I'm gonna say, going with the brain? Oh
what's a brain? By the way, were you texting and
(20:41):
fell into the mall fountain or something? That was a
lot of roids there? Some of them are your naming there, Mark?
All right, well, okay, Boddy, you try again. Thanks you
play all right? Mommy, there have it again for you.
Let's go to Bruce and let seen in South Carolina.
(21:01):
Good morning, Bruce, Hey, good morning John Boy. How are you,
hey man?
Speaker 3 (21:05):
Doing good?
Speaker 2 (21:05):
Welcome? Thank you? All right? What body part? What body
part are you thinking about there, Bruce? I believe it's
the eyes, your eyeballs, puberty, eyeballs stop growing, let's see.
Speaker 5 (21:24):
Although not always a condition they call pelosi osis.
Speaker 2 (21:32):
Yeah, the ain't no way in my boss been little
bean kid head. Oh yeah, that's all right, buddy, Bruce. Congratulations, man,
you got the prize pack in the products for good
packs all yours. Oh well, thank you very much. I
appreciate it. I know I'm hang on, Bruce, Jackie hook
you up. Hey, well, thanks so much. Appreciate you and
(21:54):
you buzz. Listen to the Big Show. All right, let's
check you up on your nudes. Then we will think
up my time capsule for the January twenty fifth on homicide.
(22:45):
This is the award winning John Boy and Billy Big Show,
the South's number one export. All right, is that special
promise to to the nurse here ran across?
Speaker 5 (23:04):
Billy just came off the fax machine or worried that
the script wasn't gonna get.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
Hey man, I don't need no script. What I don't
need a script.
Speaker 5 (23:11):
It's a public service announcement. I know that it's National
Health Awareness Week. Public services you're gonna do Try to
do this without a script.
Speaker 2 (23:18):
Yeah, I can do it. I can do it. Billy,
you sure make you no, no, no, no, I can
do it. Hey, listen, I've got three kids. I spent
a lot of time in hospitals. All right. I know
it's National Health Awareness Week, and I've taken the pun
myself to learn, you know, more about help and I
would just would like to impart some knowledge. So if
this is kind of a thing like hey, if John
Well can do it, hey.
Speaker 3 (23:39):
I can do it.
Speaker 2 (23:40):
I should know the early warning size. Okay, all right,
so go ahead, you just read off the just throw
some stuff out here. I'll explain it to you. Okay.
Speaker 5 (23:49):
It's National Health Awareness Week. Most medical conditions have early
warning signs. Get to know them. Heart attack it feels
like an elephant sitting on your chest. When that, when
that happens, you know that's not get help.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
Uh. Migrain headache it feels like like an elephant, like
it is hitting you in the head with the with
the baseball bats, real, real hard. No, qual tie hemorrhoids. Uh,
it feels like an elephant. It's like sprinkled hot chili
powder in your in your undies and oh it's it's terrible.
(24:28):
Get help quick with a hernia it Uh, it feels
like an elephant, like kicking you in the growing real
like a back kick with this with his hind leg.
One of the stands up on in the circus schizophrenia. Okay,
it feels like in an elephant. It's like whispering in
(24:50):
your ear saying do this, dude, and and and then
another elephant is like any other ear going no, no,
don't listen to him, dude, do this. Listen to me, lodes,
listen to me. Listen to me. Uh, paranoia, all right,
it feels like an elephant is like talking about you
behind your back and you say, oh yeah, and you
(25:12):
turn around. He just stands there, mister innocon. But but
you know, a snickering to himself boy, and what you
had a gun? You could you can teach him I
had an elephant gun is what you needed? And then
turn around and get to know them.
Speaker 5 (25:26):
This message presented by the National Council for Health Awareness.
Speaker 2 (25:30):
You know, I gotta admit I think John Boya and Dilly.
Good morning radio, dumb right, good morning. It's a big
(26:05):
show on the radio. Right now, let's welcome in mister Rubarb. Hello, Hello,
stand by with my music, Tater, try not to screw
it up. Okay, this is where I dig D give
me to be. Hello Americans. I'm mister Rubarb, America's favorite
(26:29):
shade tree political scientists. And this is mister Rubarb's political alphabet.
I look at modern American politics from A to Z.
A is for America. That's the country we all live in.
Did you know that B is for bailout. This is
(26:50):
money the government gets to a company when they're too
stupid to stay in business. C is for communists. This
is what's the name some people in the government call
other people in the government. Why, usually because they've started
acting like lawy. D is for deficit. This is the
(27:13):
difference between how much money the government spends each year
and how much they have enough nerve to actually collect.
It's a really big number. E is for economy. This
is something really mysterious that nobody in Washington understands it all.
F is for fail. When you give somebody enough money
(27:34):
to win an election. Fail is something you become too
big to do. G is for government. If you want
to get a job done, this is the most expensive
and least efficient way to do it. H is for healthcare.
This is something that used to be a big problem
in America, but last year we fixed it. Now nobody
(27:57):
ever needs to worry about it again unless you do
something really dumb like get sick. I is for investment.
This is a word government people use because it sounds
much better than let's throw a bunch of money at
it and see what happens. J is for jobs. This
is something the government doesn't know how to create, which
(28:20):
is why so many people who used to work in
Washington are out looking for a new one. K is
for clan. This is a group that Republicans get accused
of acting like by Democrats who used to belong to it. Right.
L is for liberal. This is the name you call
someone when you want to make them cry. M is
(28:45):
for middle class. This is the group of people everybody
in the government says they want to help, but nobody
ever gets around to actually doing anything for kenn is
for nutjob. This is the name liberals call anybody who
don't want to give them more money. To spend. Oh
is for Obama, the man who brought America something called
(29:08):
change when what we really need was some folding money
is for paling. When you say this word to Terry Hanson,
it makes his right eye twitch. Let's all say that
together twitch. Q is for quail. Until January of two
(29:32):
thousand and nine, he was the dumbest guy ever to
be vice president. Our is for a Republican. This is
a word that used to mean a person who believes
in small, limited government. Now it means somebody who wants
to spend two trillion dollars we don't have instead of three.
(29:53):
S is for saving. This is something people used to
do with their money. Now you can just wine reel
out of a TV camera until somebody from the government
comes by and writes you a chat. T is for
tea Party. This is a group of people who think
we need the kind of government we had in the
early days of America. But a lot of them wear
(30:14):
stuff like a Paul Revere hat in sweatpants, which can
make it hard to take them serious. US for United
we stand. This is something everybody in America really believed in.
For about a week right after September eleventh, two thousand
and one, then everything went back to normal. V is
(30:36):
for vote. This is something American citizens get to do
from the time you turn eighteen until you die, unless
you live in Chicago where you can keep on doing
it even avelue. And finally, WXYZ is for Channel seven
in Detroit, your home for OPRAH at four to followed
(30:57):
by Action US at five. And that's mister Rubab's political alphabet.
Learn it, know it, live it till next time. This
is mister Rubarb saying e pluribus union, which is Latin
for see, you wouldn't want to be here, Lighter tigers,
(31:18):
Morning Powell.
Speaker 8 (31:19):
When I'm driving the bus in the morning, I always
get the troublemakers. But I figured out how to get
rid of them. I crank up the volume on the
Big Show with John Boy and Billy. They are a
laugh riot and the crackheads hate it.
Hosts And Creators
Billy James
Johnny "John Boy" Isley
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