December 14, 2023 • 27 mins
Robyn Moore, an Alzheimer's champion and Australia's most in-demand speaker, joins Dana’s podcast in a thoughtful and lively conversation today, giving insights and perspectives of her own caregiving experiences, and also discussing the appropriate balance of humor and compassion in caring for those living with dementia and their families and caregivers. Robyn emphasizes “savoring the precious seconds of life,” and listeners will instantly appreciate Robyn’s refreshing sense of humor, authentic Australian style, motivational wisdom, and her limitless amount of caring and compassion. Discover Robyn’s replacement term of “caregiver” to “promise keeper” and be enlightened by the power of her words.
Do you have a question for Dana? Email her directly at thememorywhisperer@gmail.com or visit www.thememorywhisperer.com for additional resources.
The Memory Whisperer podcast is written and produced by Dana Territo, with help from audio editor Blake Langlinais. Additional production support from Ryan Martz and Julia Weaver. Special Thanks to Michael Andrews, a person with dementia, and Innovations in Dementia, CIC for our flute music. Graphics by Xdesign.
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See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
It started with Peggy, someone with Alzheimer's who never knew
my name and who I companion at her nursing home
residence for twenty two years. Her influence in my life
and the values I received from growing up with grandparents
living in our home are the guiding forces in my
love and advocacy for the Alzheimer's population. I am a
(00:27):
newspaper columnist for The Advocate in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and
the author of What My Grandchildren Taught Me About Alzheimer's
Disease And now I'm launching a podcast. Hi, you're listening
to Dana Tita the Memory Whisper. Join me in these
podcasts as we engage in thoughtful conversations about Alzheimer's disease
(00:49):
and other dementias. HI, be ready to be wowed and
be ready to learn the power of the word as
I talk with Robin Moore, Australia's most indoman female speaker,
on my podcast today. For over forty years, she has
been working in education, advertising and the communication entertainment industry.
(01:11):
She has unique skills with the power of the word
and her entertaining, inspiring and thought provoking presentations totally captivate
her audiences at national and international conferences. Robin sells people
back to themselves so they can recognize old habits and
behaviors and take responsibility for choices which create the outcomes
they want in their lives, whether personally or professionally. Audiences
(01:36):
relate instantly to Robin's refreshing sense of humor, authentic Australian style,
and her values around caring and compassion. She has been
a national patron, a volunteer and a Wish grantor for
Make a Wish Australia for twenty five years and was
a feature speaker at Australia's Alzheimer's Walk to Remember in
twenty eleven. At an Alzheimer's conference attendee, one person spoke
(02:01):
about Robin. I was very moved by Robin's sharing about
her mother, who suffered from Alzheimer's disease. She shared with
us what her mother said to her. I knew i'd
love you, I just didn't know who you were. The
words of Robin's mother are really profound if you think
about it. The memories and some of the cognitive functions
may be lost, but the love remains and is attached
(02:24):
to the object of that love. Robin's unique skills as
an educator and her powerful stories as a caregiver for
her mum, her mother in law and her dear friend
resonate with caregivers, support staff and stayholders alike in the
aging care service sector. I'm so honored to welcome today
Robin Moore, an educator, voiceover artist and entertainer who will
(02:47):
inspire and make you smile with the power of her words.
Welcome Robin. So I'm so happy and thankful to have
you here, Robin on this podcast, and all the way
from Australia. We're quite quite some hours apart right now.
So I guess to start off, I read everything you do.
(03:08):
You're an entertainer, you're a voiceover artist, you're an educator,
and you make many presentations about aging and aging care.
What's the most important advice you give to the aging population.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Oh, Dana, it's it's about seizing life in all of
its dynamics, to be right here now, in every second.
And I don't know whether your audio can pick up
these my fingers, you know. And every time I'm in
front of an audience to say you know this, this
is it, this is your life. These are the precious
(03:41):
seconds of your life come back? Oh I love that
one and it's gone. And you know, with dementia and
Alzheimer's and when we're caring for loved ones, it's such
a reminder and it's a gift. I saw my MAM's
dementia as as a gift because it woke me up
to every second because we were trying to grab hold
(04:05):
of them and they had more intensity. So that's the
message I want to give to everybody is to be
in those seconds. And often I'll run into people after
the conference and they'll just click their fingers in my
face and you know that they got that distinction that
this is it, this is now.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Tell me you about your personal journey as a career.
I know some say caregiver with a love one with dementia.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Yeah, well I had been a kind of care for
my mum in law for twenty years. She had just
a slight disability, but when her husband passed away, she
actually had this shift where she wanted her son's back
and it was quite a challenging time from being the
most amazing mother in law to being one who became
(04:55):
somebody who saw us as an enemy and so she
lived with us for almost twenty years, so that was
one kind of a caring responsibility where I virtually had
to give my husband to his mum and manage the
dynamics of that. So that was one type of caregiving,
(05:16):
you know, and being able to surrender and understand and
love and grow. And at the end of her life,
I was very complete and was able to say thank
you for being the best mother in law in the
whole world, because she taught me backwards, as tough as
it was, she taught me to let go of my
(05:40):
sons and not have them as my babies. You know
how You'll get people say this is my baby, this
is my baby, and I'm standing in front of a
six foot four man, and I think, my goodness, it
must have been hard to give birth to this baby.
You know, would let them go as men. So from
the age of about sixteen, we called our two sons
(06:03):
our men, not our boys, not our babies. And that
was the gift she gave me. So when my mom
was diagnosed with dementia.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
That was first. Was that your first experience with your
mom or who was first?
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Yeah, my mom was the first, yeah, dementia person and
she didn't sort of show up with any dementia. She
was very clever at masking her symptoms and would have
little pat questions, you know, how's the family, how are
you going? Where are you living now? And we just
didn't pick up on it until one day she threw
a barbecue and some people were there and they came
(06:41):
over and said, have you had your mom tested for Alzheimer's?
And we said, wow, you know, we were most offended.
And they said, well, because the sausages have little white
dots on them, which indicated she'd been freezing them and
defrosting them and freezing them and defrosting them. So she
had issues with food management. And we didn't realize because
(07:03):
we had to take Mum out all the time to
give her treats.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
And she lived alone.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
She yes, And so that was the first indicator. And
my sister and I were there seven years between us,
we've had different lives, but in that moment, the gift
was that we were going to care for Mum together
as sisters. So my sister had her husband build a
lovely cottage on her property. She became the primary care
(07:30):
I was the secondary career, So whenever I was home
from my travels, I'd pick mum up and take her
to our place so that my sister had respite, and
the journey was absolutely wonderful. You know, my husband and
I were watching a sixty minutes program where there was
a man who was caring for his wife who had dementia,
and the reporter said, Oh, you're so caring, you're so loving,
(07:53):
You're so thoughtful, and he said, no, I'm not. I'm
just a promise keeper. Oh five words, I'm just a
promise keeper. And my husband and I cried because we've
been married fifty years, but we, you know, cherish that
we are wife and husband. We don't say partner and
(08:13):
all of that. We are wife and husband. And then
we became a deeper connection with this promise keeper. We're
promise keepers. So my sister and I became promise keepers
for our mum. And I share that when I'm talking
to groups of people in Australia, I'm often asked to
speak to people who've just been diagnosed with dementia and
(08:35):
their careers and I always ask for them to be
in the same room together. And my clients are a
little bit wary about that. Don't you want them to
be separate. I said no, because I've only just been diagnosed.
So this is the time where you can embed the
most important aspects of this whole journey. So I say
to the people with dementia, look at the carer next
(08:56):
to you. You're loved one, the person who brought you here.
They love you so much. They are a promise keeper
for you, and they're going to be there too, thick
and thin. And this disease is going to diminish your memory.
It's not going to get better, it's going to get worse.
That's the nature of it. So could you thank your
(09:18):
loved one now? And it's so.
Speaker 3 (09:23):
The story, my goodness, And in the room you do
these people turn to their daughters and sons and they're hugging,
and that embeds them for the care and I say
to them, you know, will you please tell your relative,
your loved one, that you are going to be the
promise keeper for them.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
And it's it's it's really powerful because the road is rocky,
it's hard, it's really hard. So you know, at the beginning,
my sister and I did all these joyous things with Mum.
We celebrated her bliss, we took her out we went
on cruisers, we did all sorts of things to actually
have her just enjoy and savor every second. But then
(10:07):
she went into a paranoia phase, which was very where
she was saying, you know, what have you ever done
for me? And I'm grateful and I've done a lot
of transformational work where I don't take those sorts of
things personally. I was able to watch that comment and
(10:28):
for anybody watching who's a care this is your defense,
this is your armor. Watch the comment come out of
your loved one's mouth like a spear. But don't have
the spear come into you. Have the spear go bypassed,
passing you into the wall behind you, so that you
can go, oh, that was an interesting one. And that's
(10:49):
not my mom or my dad or my auntie. That's
the disease speaking.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
What a great limite to refer to.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Yes, so that you can disassociate yourself from the hurt. Now,
my sister couldn't do that, so she spun into quite
a lot of despair and her wellness was affected as
a carer, and she became very sick, and sadly, my
sister passed away after Mum died, So thank you, you know,
(11:23):
but that's really an adamant that terras get that distinction
that this is not personal. So that's, you know, that's
something to hold on to from this talk to just
every time they say something like that it's the disease speaking,
it's not then because they will come through that paranoia
mostly and then another type of them will be revealed.
(11:47):
So I mean Mum lost her tact button during that period.
So this kind beautiful woman who had fifteen hairdressing salons,
two boarding houses, four restaurants, did houses up and sold them,
was Australia's first female real estate agency manager in Australia.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
We would look at people in a restaurant and say
look at the backside on that you know that nose
and poke your eye out, you know. But we had
so many, so many tools that I want to pass
(12:27):
on in this interview if I can. One rule that
my sister and I had was to grieve incrementally. So
every time Mum lost something or lost a friend or
couldn't remember this or how to do that, the rule
was we had to ring each other immediately and then say, oh,
Mom couldn't remember Elsie today, and then we'd cry. So
(12:50):
that by the time we came to mum's funeral, all
the grieving had been done and there was just joy.
There was just joy and celebration, you know. So that's
another just tip from experience. Celebrate the bliss all of
the things they love.
Speaker 4 (13:09):
My mom.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
I took her to four conferences once and we were
near a hotel where they did jet skiing, and my
mum had always wanted to jet ski. Now she was
eighty with dementia, and I took her down to the
jet ski man and I said, look, my mom's eighty,
can you just take her on a little gentle put
put put put ride. And he said, oh, okay, I'll
(13:32):
let her tell me how fast we go, and got
on the back, and she was a road hog. She
just obviously said to him, you gun it, boy, and
they just took off right down Service Paradise. I lost
sight of them. I suddenly thought, oh, my goodness, instead
of the good daughter, I'm going to be the bad
one who kills her mother, and she'll be dead on
(13:54):
the back of the jet ski rigor mortis will have
set in and it'll be all my fault. But when
she came back, they did doies in the water and she.
Speaker 4 (14:02):
Was going, oh wait, and.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
As she alighted from the jet ski, there was this
huge smile and I have the most beautiful photo. And
she said that was the best thing I've ever done
in my life. You know, because when you're a care
it's not about just caring. Sometimes we can stifle our
loved ones by caring too much. It's more about enablement,
enabling them to access all of their passions, all of
(14:29):
their desires. You know that lovely movie, and I'd recommended
the documentary Alive Inside.
Speaker 4 (14:37):
Is music.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
The music will tap into memories, so enliven your loved ones.
You know what was their favorite thing? Mom never forgot
the jet ski. I had a little toy jet ski
at the nursing home. Every time I picked it up
and showed it to her, she would say, oh, I'll
never forget that. That was wonderful. So the pluck didn't
grow on the jet ski part of her brain.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
I read a lot when you spoke at the twenty
eleven Alzheimer's Association Conference Australia, and you said that there
needs to be an appropriate balance of humor and compassion
for those living with dementia, for their families and their caregivers,
Can you explain a little bit about that balance.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
Yes, you've got to have some support, some person who's
the hole in the ground that you can whisper into.
So my sister and I had that relationship with each
other where we could just share and it's not laughing
at somebody, it's bringing laughter into the moments. I mean,
(15:39):
even that first time experience to stop us being anxious
with mum going to restaurants and pointing out people's noses
along and all of that, I practiced first time and
would take Mum out driving every day towards the end
of her life to the same place and we would
(16:01):
laugh and I put on music that she loved in
the car, we'd have an ice cream, we'd look at
the yachts, we'd count the seagulls, we'd watch people load boats. Now,
for Mom it was always it was first time, and
for me, I didn't have that anxiety that what's she
going to say next? And so there was win win
(16:23):
for both of us. In my hectic life. I mean,
as a speaker, I'm on about one hundred and sixty
flights a year. To have those moments of respite, just
being with my mom was absolutely beautiful.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
You know you also said at that same conference to
those with dementia, live with urgency before the emergency. What
do you mean.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Well, I've been a volunteer and national patron of Make
a Wish Australia for thirty years, so we grant wishes
for children with critical illnesses. So life is right up
in my face all the time. I'm living with life
and death all the time. And one of our wish
children taught me to live with urgency before the emergency,
(17:13):
and I'd love to share a little bit of his story.
His name is Daniel and he was thirteen lived in Melbourne.
His wish was to meet a famous English cricketer, but
the doctor said, Daniel, your brain tumor is growing so
quickly you won't be able to fly and you're going
to die soon, so you'll have to change your wish.
(17:33):
So he changed it to a shopping spree. And his
mom has given me permission to share Daniel's shopping list.
I wish for a dishwasher for my mum because she
works too hard. I wish for a puppy for my
sisters so they have something to play with when I die.
I wish for bracelets for my mom and my sisters
(17:54):
with my name engraved on them, so that they don't
forget me. And for my dad. I would like as
with the words strength and courage engraved on it. I
would just like a hum a rite. And on the
morning of the shopping spree, he was so ill he
could hardly move, and he said, I'm going anywhere because
I don't know how long I've got to live. And
they bought all of those things. Mum didn't get a dishwasher.
(18:15):
She got a barbecue and she cooks on it almost
every day. And two weeks later, I received an email
from Maker Wish that just said Heaven was short of
angels today. And I share Daniel's story in every talk
I deliver, no matter who is in the audience doesn't know.
I speak in every sector, so it could be engineers
or doctors, or teachers or farmers, and everybody has the
(18:38):
same reaction you're having. And I'm always happy when I
tell the story because he knew what the emergency was,
so he was living with urgency. Now he was loving,
you know, for his mum. He gave her appreciation and
respect and acknowledgment, you know, with the dishwasher, which became
(18:59):
about you. He brought joy and love and fun to
his sisters with the puppy. He captured memories with the bracelets,
and he gave his dad's strength and courage because our dads,
I think, come into the world with two words tattooed
on their forehead, and that's provision and protection. And it's
(19:19):
our dads who just crumble when their child has a
critical illness, you know. So he gave his dad that back.
And Daniel has inspired hundreds of thousands of people with
that story. And you know, I have teenagers go home
and tell their parents, you know, thank you for getting
the job done, because a lady told me I was
(19:40):
extraordinary today, you know. And everybody grows up thanks to Daniel.
So that's that's the access, that's the doorway into living
with urgency before the emergency. It's through Daniel's story.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
What is one thing or a pearler wisdom you could
give to our listeners as we close.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
Yes, that first time that is so important. It means
that if you practice first time over and over and
over again, that it's always first time, you have access
to abundance. That's the pathway into abundance. So if you
(20:29):
practice first time, you'll be able to get an abundance
of joy, an abundance of leadership, an abundance of friendship,
and abundance of relationship, an abundance of pleasure because it's
there all the time. I mean, I say to people,
I don't care. If you had a meeting with somebody
at nine o'clock and it was really fulfilling, guess what,
you can have another one that's fulfilling at nine point thirty.
(20:51):
Not oh no, here's another meeting, oh you know, oh,
another phone, Oh, another thing I have to do. So
it's that shift, And I'm really passionate about transformation, where
you have a new point of view, you know, your
Native Americans. There was a lovely story I heard here
(21:12):
on the radio about a medicine man who used to
put the young boys in a tp in a circle,
and before they could emerge as young braves men, he
would place a feather in the center of the circle,
and one by one, each boy had to describe the
feather from where they were sitting, and they would go
right round the circle to describe the feather, and then
(21:35):
they would move to the next place in the circle.
And describe the feather again, and so on and so on,
until everybody had sat in every position available in the circle.
The feather did not become present, didn't manifest itself until
every boy had sat in every different position. And that's
(21:56):
the shift. I'm passionate about people through stories. You know,
the more we share stories, the more you will have
shifts in your perspective and see it from another point
of view.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
And how do you keep the upbeat personality and how
do you keep your joy and positive attitude?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
Well, I'm responsible for my purpose. I know why I'm here,
and I don't want to spit or vomit on my purpose.
It's a gift. I mean, I have a strong faith,
so I know why I'm on the planet. And every
day in the shower, I actually, you know, I say
a little prayer and I actually put on my purpose
(22:40):
like a coat. And I did an exercise once in
a seminar where I was participating, and the exercise was
to write down your purpose in ten words or fewer,
and it just came to me. My purpose is in
ten words, to be an irresistible invitation to fully participate
(23:05):
in life. The heather ten words, and so I put
that on in the shower.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
You know.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Let me be my purpose, to be an irresistible invitation
to fully participate in life. So every conversation I have,
you know, and I'm if you put a Geiger Counter
on my chest at the moment, it'd be going fear
or the passion speaking to you. I'm looking at your
beautiful face on the screen. I'm imagining all our lovely
(23:35):
listeners to the podcast, you know. So this is like
a conduit, this is a this is a window to
the world here, you know, and I could drop it.
I'm seventy two now I'm in the quickening of my
own life. So I'm living with urgency before the emergency.
I've just had two friends, you know, in a month
die my age, and so I'm learning from Daniel to
(24:00):
be that purpose right now, you know, so I can
be the love. It could be one word. I have
a little boy. I said, which empowering word are you
going to be? As I finish my talk? And this
little boy said, I have a word. And I said
what's your word? Lucky? And he said life full? And
I said, oh, lucky, I love your word. Did you
(24:23):
just make that up? And yeah, I'm going to steal
that word, and I'm going to give it to every
audience I speak to, because that is the most beautiful word.
And I looked it up on Google and it was
last used in the thirteenth century. But we don't use
it anymore. We use life less, we don't use life full.
(24:45):
So when my mom passed away, we had some lovely,
you know, sayings on her headstone. But when my sister
passed away afterwards, she was buried in with Mum, so
there was there were fewer spaces on the headstone and
we have to have it redesigned. And so moms a
headstone on hers. It just on the topic, just says
(25:07):
Mary Elizabeth Wilkinson, life full and how precious, Kay, Marie
Wilkinson Green.
Speaker 4 (25:14):
Loved, Oh beauty. You know your focus can be one
word right, can be loved, can be respect, can be care,
can be joy, can be empathy, understanding, relationship freedom.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Well, my power word is gratitude for you and for
being a part of this podcast, for being who you
are and you're educator, entertainer, voiceover artists. But that education
you've given today and the pearls of wisdom are just
such a gift to the listeners, and I thank you
for it. I know those on this journey with Alzheimer's
(25:53):
disease and other dementias will certainly benefit from what you
said and the advice you gave them. A record mandations,
and thank you so much for sharing your mother's story
in Daniel's story, because it sure can teach.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Us a lot.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
Well, that's it for us today, Thank you for listening.
The Memory Whisper is a production of iHeartRadio and the
Senica Women Podcast Network. It's produced by me Dana Tiredo
in honor of Peggy and all those affected by Alzheimer's disease.
I offer a special thanks to my audio editor, Blake Longlonee,
and to Michael Andrews, a person with dementia, who gave
(26:34):
me permission to use his beautiful flute music for this podcast.
For more information or to reach me directly, head on
over to my website, The Memory Whisper dot com. And
for those struggling with the diagnosis, remember my motto, the
more you know, the better it'll go. Blessings
It started with Peggy, someone with Alzheimer's who never knew
my name and who I companion at her nursing home
residence for twenty two years. Her influence in my life
and the values I received from growing up with grandparents
living in our home are the guiding forces in my
love and advocacy for the Alzheimer's population. I am a
(00:27):
newspaper columnist for The Advocate in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and
the author of What My Grandchildren Taught Me About Alzheimer's
Disease And now I'm launching a podcast. Hi, you're listening
to Dana Tita the Memory Whisper. Join me in these
podcasts as we engage in thoughtful conversations about Alzheimer's disease
(00:49):
and other dementias. HI, be ready to be wowed and
be ready to learn the power of the word as
I talk with Robin Moore, Australia's most indoman female speaker,
on my podcast today. For over forty years, she has
been working in education, advertising and the communication entertainment industry.
(01:11):
She has unique skills with the power of the word
and her entertaining, inspiring and thought provoking presentations totally captivate
her audiences at national and international conferences. Robin sells people
back to themselves so they can recognize old habits and
behaviors and take responsibility for choices which create the outcomes
they want in their lives, whether personally or professionally. Audiences
(01:36):
relate instantly to Robin's refreshing sense of humor, authentic Australian style,
and her values around caring and compassion. She has been
a national patron, a volunteer and a Wish grantor for
Make a Wish Australia for twenty five years and was
a feature speaker at Australia's Alzheimer's Walk to Remember in
twenty eleven. At an Alzheimer's conference attendee, one person spoke
(02:01):
about Robin. I was very moved by Robin's sharing about
her mother, who suffered from Alzheimer's disease. She shared with
us what her mother said to her. I knew i'd
love you, I just didn't know who you were. The
words of Robin's mother are really profound if you think
about it. The memories and some of the cognitive functions
may be lost, but the love remains and is attached
(02:24):
to the object of that love. Robin's unique skills as
an educator and her powerful stories as a caregiver for
her mum, her mother in law and her dear friend
resonate with caregivers, support staff and stayholders alike in the
aging care service sector. I'm so honored to welcome today
Robin Moore, an educator, voiceover artist and entertainer who will
(02:47):
inspire and make you smile with the power of her words.
Welcome Robin. So I'm so happy and thankful to have
you here, Robin on this podcast, and all the way
from Australia. We're quite quite some hours apart right now.
So I guess to start off, I read everything you do.
(03:08):
You're an entertainer, you're a voiceover artist, you're an educator,
and you make many presentations about aging and aging care.
What's the most important advice you give to the aging population.
Speaker 2 (03:21):
Oh, Dana, it's it's about seizing life in all of
its dynamics, to be right here now, in every second.
And I don't know whether your audio can pick up
these my fingers, you know. And every time I'm in
front of an audience to say you know this, this
is it, this is your life. These are the precious
(03:41):
seconds of your life come back? Oh I love that
one and it's gone. And you know, with dementia and
Alzheimer's and when we're caring for loved ones, it's such
a reminder and it's a gift. I saw my MAM's
dementia as as a gift because it woke me up
to every second because we were trying to grab hold
(04:05):
of them and they had more intensity. So that's the
message I want to give to everybody is to be
in those seconds. And often I'll run into people after
the conference and they'll just click their fingers in my
face and you know that they got that distinction that
this is it, this is now.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Tell me you about your personal journey as a career.
I know some say caregiver with a love one with dementia.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Yeah, well I had been a kind of care for
my mum in law for twenty years. She had just
a slight disability, but when her husband passed away, she
actually had this shift where she wanted her son's back
and it was quite a challenging time from being the
most amazing mother in law to being one who became
(04:55):
somebody who saw us as an enemy and so she
lived with us for almost twenty years, so that was
one kind of a caring responsibility where I virtually had
to give my husband to his mum and manage the
dynamics of that. So that was one type of caregiving,
(05:16):
you know, and being able to surrender and understand and
love and grow. And at the end of her life,
I was very complete and was able to say thank
you for being the best mother in law in the
whole world, because she taught me backwards, as tough as
it was, she taught me to let go of my
(05:40):
sons and not have them as my babies. You know
how You'll get people say this is my baby, this
is my baby, and I'm standing in front of a
six foot four man, and I think, my goodness, it
must have been hard to give birth to this baby.
You know, would let them go as men. So from
the age of about sixteen, we called our two sons
(06:03):
our men, not our boys, not our babies. And that
was the gift she gave me. So when my mom
was diagnosed with dementia.
Speaker 1 (06:14):
That was first. Was that your first experience with your
mom or who was first?
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Yeah, my mom was the first, yeah, dementia person and
she didn't sort of show up with any dementia. She
was very clever at masking her symptoms and would have
little pat questions, you know, how's the family, how are
you going? Where are you living now? And we just
didn't pick up on it until one day she threw
a barbecue and some people were there and they came
(06:41):
over and said, have you had your mom tested for Alzheimer's?
And we said, wow, you know, we were most offended.
And they said, well, because the sausages have little white
dots on them, which indicated she'd been freezing them and
defrosting them and freezing them and defrosting them. So she
had issues with food management. And we didn't realize because
(07:03):
we had to take Mum out all the time to
give her treats.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
And she lived alone.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
She yes, And so that was the first indicator. And
my sister and I were there seven years between us,
we've had different lives, but in that moment, the gift
was that we were going to care for Mum together
as sisters. So my sister had her husband build a
lovely cottage on her property. She became the primary care
(07:30):
I was the secondary career, So whenever I was home
from my travels, I'd pick mum up and take her
to our place so that my sister had respite, and
the journey was absolutely wonderful. You know, my husband and
I were watching a sixty minutes program where there was
a man who was caring for his wife who had dementia,
and the reporter said, Oh, you're so caring, you're so loving,
(07:53):
You're so thoughtful, and he said, no, I'm not. I'm
just a promise keeper. Oh five words, I'm just a
promise keeper. And my husband and I cried because we've
been married fifty years, but we, you know, cherish that
we are wife and husband. We don't say partner and
(08:13):
all of that. We are wife and husband. And then
we became a deeper connection with this promise keeper. We're
promise keepers. So my sister and I became promise keepers
for our mum. And I share that when I'm talking
to groups of people in Australia, I'm often asked to
speak to people who've just been diagnosed with dementia and
(08:35):
their careers and I always ask for them to be
in the same room together. And my clients are a
little bit wary about that. Don't you want them to
be separate. I said no, because I've only just been diagnosed.
So this is the time where you can embed the
most important aspects of this whole journey. So I say
to the people with dementia, look at the carer next
(08:56):
to you. You're loved one, the person who brought you here.
They love you so much. They are a promise keeper
for you, and they're going to be there too, thick
and thin. And this disease is going to diminish your memory.
It's not going to get better, it's going to get worse.
That's the nature of it. So could you thank your
(09:18):
loved one now? And it's so.
Speaker 3 (09:23):
The story, my goodness, And in the room you do
these people turn to their daughters and sons and they're hugging,
and that embeds them for the care and I say
to them, you know, will you please tell your relative,
your loved one, that you are going to be the
promise keeper for them.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
And it's it's it's really powerful because the road is rocky,
it's hard, it's really hard. So you know, at the beginning,
my sister and I did all these joyous things with Mum.
We celebrated her bliss, we took her out we went
on cruisers, we did all sorts of things to actually
have her just enjoy and savor every second. But then
(10:07):
she went into a paranoia phase, which was very where
she was saying, you know, what have you ever done
for me? And I'm grateful and I've done a lot
of transformational work where I don't take those sorts of
things personally. I was able to watch that comment and
(10:28):
for anybody watching who's a care this is your defense,
this is your armor. Watch the comment come out of
your loved one's mouth like a spear. But don't have
the spear come into you. Have the spear go bypassed,
passing you into the wall behind you, so that you
can go, oh, that was an interesting one. And that's
(10:49):
not my mom or my dad or my auntie. That's
the disease speaking.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
What a great limite to refer to.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
Yes, so that you can disassociate yourself from the hurt. Now,
my sister couldn't do that, so she spun into quite
a lot of despair and her wellness was affected as
a carer, and she became very sick, and sadly, my
sister passed away after Mum died, So thank you, you know,
(11:23):
but that's really an adamant that terras get that distinction
that this is not personal. So that's, you know, that's
something to hold on to from this talk to just
every time they say something like that it's the disease speaking,
it's not then because they will come through that paranoia
mostly and then another type of them will be revealed.
(11:47):
So I mean Mum lost her tact button during that period.
So this kind beautiful woman who had fifteen hairdressing salons,
two boarding houses, four restaurants, did houses up and sold them,
was Australia's first female real estate agency manager in Australia.
Speaker 1 (12:03):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
We would look at people in a restaurant and say
look at the backside on that you know that nose
and poke your eye out, you know. But we had
so many, so many tools that I want to pass
(12:27):
on in this interview if I can. One rule that
my sister and I had was to grieve incrementally. So
every time Mum lost something or lost a friend or
couldn't remember this or how to do that, the rule
was we had to ring each other immediately and then say, oh,
Mom couldn't remember Elsie today, and then we'd cry. So
(12:50):
that by the time we came to mum's funeral, all
the grieving had been done and there was just joy.
There was just joy and celebration, you know. So that's
another just tip from experience. Celebrate the bliss all of
the things they love.
Speaker 4 (13:09):
My mom.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
I took her to four conferences once and we were
near a hotel where they did jet skiing, and my
mum had always wanted to jet ski. Now she was
eighty with dementia, and I took her down to the
jet ski man and I said, look, my mom's eighty,
can you just take her on a little gentle put
put put put ride. And he said, oh, okay, I'll
(13:32):
let her tell me how fast we go, and got
on the back, and she was a road hog. She
just obviously said to him, you gun it, boy, and
they just took off right down Service Paradise. I lost
sight of them. I suddenly thought, oh, my goodness, instead
of the good daughter, I'm going to be the bad
one who kills her mother, and she'll be dead on
(13:54):
the back of the jet ski rigor mortis will have
set in and it'll be all my fault. But when
she came back, they did doies in the water and she.
Speaker 4 (14:02):
Was going, oh wait, and.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
As she alighted from the jet ski, there was this
huge smile and I have the most beautiful photo. And
she said that was the best thing I've ever done
in my life. You know, because when you're a care
it's not about just caring. Sometimes we can stifle our
loved ones by caring too much. It's more about enablement,
enabling them to access all of their passions, all of
(14:29):
their desires. You know that lovely movie, and I'd recommended
the documentary Alive Inside.
Speaker 4 (14:37):
Is music.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
The music will tap into memories, so enliven your loved ones.
You know what was their favorite thing? Mom never forgot
the jet ski. I had a little toy jet ski
at the nursing home. Every time I picked it up
and showed it to her, she would say, oh, I'll
never forget that. That was wonderful. So the pluck didn't
grow on the jet ski part of her brain.
Speaker 1 (15:01):
I read a lot when you spoke at the twenty
eleven Alzheimer's Association Conference Australia, and you said that there
needs to be an appropriate balance of humor and compassion
for those living with dementia, for their families and their caregivers,
Can you explain a little bit about that balance.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
Yes, you've got to have some support, some person who's
the hole in the ground that you can whisper into.
So my sister and I had that relationship with each
other where we could just share and it's not laughing
at somebody, it's bringing laughter into the moments. I mean,
(15:39):
even that first time experience to stop us being anxious
with mum going to restaurants and pointing out people's noses
along and all of that, I practiced first time and
would take Mum out driving every day towards the end
of her life to the same place and we would
(16:01):
laugh and I put on music that she loved in
the car, we'd have an ice cream, we'd look at
the yachts, we'd count the seagulls, we'd watch people load boats. Now,
for Mom it was always it was first time, and
for me, I didn't have that anxiety that what's she
going to say next? And so there was win win
(16:23):
for both of us. In my hectic life. I mean,
as a speaker, I'm on about one hundred and sixty
flights a year. To have those moments of respite, just
being with my mom was absolutely beautiful.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
You know you also said at that same conference to
those with dementia, live with urgency before the emergency. What
do you mean.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Well, I've been a volunteer and national patron of Make
a Wish Australia for thirty years, so we grant wishes
for children with critical illnesses. So life is right up
in my face all the time. I'm living with life
and death all the time. And one of our wish
children taught me to live with urgency before the emergency,
(17:13):
and I'd love to share a little bit of his story.
His name is Daniel and he was thirteen lived in Melbourne.
His wish was to meet a famous English cricketer, but
the doctor said, Daniel, your brain tumor is growing so
quickly you won't be able to fly and you're going
to die soon, so you'll have to change your wish.
(17:33):
So he changed it to a shopping spree. And his
mom has given me permission to share Daniel's shopping list.
I wish for a dishwasher for my mum because she
works too hard. I wish for a puppy for my
sisters so they have something to play with when I die.
I wish for bracelets for my mom and my sisters
(17:54):
with my name engraved on them, so that they don't
forget me. And for my dad. I would like as
with the words strength and courage engraved on it. I
would just like a hum a rite. And on the
morning of the shopping spree, he was so ill he
could hardly move, and he said, I'm going anywhere because
I don't know how long I've got to live. And
they bought all of those things. Mum didn't get a dishwasher.
(18:15):
She got a barbecue and she cooks on it almost
every day. And two weeks later, I received an email
from Maker Wish that just said Heaven was short of
angels today. And I share Daniel's story in every talk
I deliver, no matter who is in the audience doesn't know.
I speak in every sector, so it could be engineers
or doctors, or teachers or farmers, and everybody has the
(18:38):
same reaction you're having. And I'm always happy when I
tell the story because he knew what the emergency was,
so he was living with urgency. Now he was loving,
you know, for his mum. He gave her appreciation and
respect and acknowledgment, you know, with the dishwasher, which became
(18:59):
about you. He brought joy and love and fun to
his sisters with the puppy. He captured memories with the bracelets,
and he gave his dad's strength and courage because our dads,
I think, come into the world with two words tattooed
on their forehead, and that's provision and protection. And it's
(19:19):
our dads who just crumble when their child has a
critical illness, you know. So he gave his dad that back.
And Daniel has inspired hundreds of thousands of people with
that story. And you know, I have teenagers go home
and tell their parents, you know, thank you for getting
the job done, because a lady told me I was
(19:40):
extraordinary today, you know. And everybody grows up thanks to Daniel.
So that's that's the access, that's the doorway into living
with urgency before the emergency. It's through Daniel's story.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
What is one thing or a pearler wisdom you could
give to our listeners as we close.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
Yes, that first time that is so important. It means
that if you practice first time over and over and
over again, that it's always first time, you have access
to abundance. That's the pathway into abundance. So if you
(20:29):
practice first time, you'll be able to get an abundance
of joy, an abundance of leadership, an abundance of friendship,
and abundance of relationship, an abundance of pleasure because it's
there all the time. I mean, I say to people,
I don't care. If you had a meeting with somebody
at nine o'clock and it was really fulfilling, guess what,
you can have another one that's fulfilling at nine point thirty.
(20:51):
Not oh no, here's another meeting, oh you know, oh,
another phone, Oh, another thing I have to do. So
it's that shift, And I'm really passionate about transformation, where
you have a new point of view, you know, your
Native Americans. There was a lovely story I heard here
(21:12):
on the radio about a medicine man who used to
put the young boys in a tp in a circle,
and before they could emerge as young braves men, he
would place a feather in the center of the circle,
and one by one, each boy had to describe the
feather from where they were sitting, and they would go
right round the circle to describe the feather, and then
(21:35):
they would move to the next place in the circle.
And describe the feather again, and so on and so on,
until everybody had sat in every position available in the circle.
The feather did not become present, didn't manifest itself until
every boy had sat in every different position. And that's
(21:56):
the shift. I'm passionate about people through stories. You know,
the more we share stories, the more you will have
shifts in your perspective and see it from another point
of view.
Speaker 1 (22:10):
And how do you keep the upbeat personality and how
do you keep your joy and positive attitude?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
Well, I'm responsible for my purpose. I know why I'm here,
and I don't want to spit or vomit on my purpose.
It's a gift. I mean, I have a strong faith,
so I know why I'm on the planet. And every
day in the shower, I actually, you know, I say
a little prayer and I actually put on my purpose
(22:40):
like a coat. And I did an exercise once in
a seminar where I was participating, and the exercise was
to write down your purpose in ten words or fewer,
and it just came to me. My purpose is in
ten words, to be an irresistible invitation to fully participate
(23:05):
in life. The heather ten words, and so I put
that on in the shower.
Speaker 1 (23:12):
You know.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Let me be my purpose, to be an irresistible invitation
to fully participate in life. So every conversation I have,
you know, and I'm if you put a Geiger Counter
on my chest at the moment, it'd be going fear
or the passion speaking to you. I'm looking at your
beautiful face on the screen. I'm imagining all our lovely
(23:35):
listeners to the podcast, you know. So this is like
a conduit, this is a this is a window to
the world here, you know, and I could drop it.
I'm seventy two now I'm in the quickening of my
own life. So I'm living with urgency before the emergency.
I've just had two friends, you know, in a month
die my age, and so I'm learning from Daniel to
(24:00):
be that purpose right now, you know, so I can
be the love. It could be one word. I have
a little boy. I said, which empowering word are you
going to be? As I finish my talk? And this
little boy said, I have a word. And I said
what's your word? Lucky? And he said life full? And
I said, oh, lucky, I love your word. Did you
(24:23):
just make that up? And yeah, I'm going to steal
that word, and I'm going to give it to every
audience I speak to, because that is the most beautiful word.
And I looked it up on Google and it was
last used in the thirteenth century. But we don't use
it anymore. We use life less, we don't use life full.
(24:45):
So when my mom passed away, we had some lovely,
you know, sayings on her headstone. But when my sister
passed away afterwards, she was buried in with Mum, so
there was there were fewer spaces on the headstone and
we have to have it redesigned. And so moms a
headstone on hers. It just on the topic, just says
(25:07):
Mary Elizabeth Wilkinson, life full and how precious, Kay, Marie
Wilkinson Green.
Speaker 4 (25:14):
Loved, Oh beauty. You know your focus can be one
word right, can be loved, can be respect, can be care,
can be joy, can be empathy, understanding, relationship freedom.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
Well, my power word is gratitude for you and for
being a part of this podcast, for being who you
are and you're educator, entertainer, voiceover artists. But that education
you've given today and the pearls of wisdom are just
such a gift to the listeners, and I thank you
for it. I know those on this journey with Alzheimer's
(25:53):
disease and other dementias will certainly benefit from what you
said and the advice you gave them. A record mandations,
and thank you so much for sharing your mother's story
in Daniel's story, because it sure can teach.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Us a lot.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
Well, that's it for us today, Thank you for listening.
The Memory Whisper is a production of iHeartRadio and the
Senica Women Podcast Network. It's produced by me Dana Tiredo
in honor of Peggy and all those affected by Alzheimer's disease.
I offer a special thanks to my audio editor, Blake Longlonee,
and to Michael Andrews, a person with dementia, who gave
(26:34):
me permission to use his beautiful flute music for this podcast.
For more information or to reach me directly, head on
over to my website, The Memory Whisper dot com. And
for those struggling with the diagnosis, remember my motto, the
more you know, the better it'll go. Blessings
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