July 29, 2025 • 19 mins
It's OK to admit it: the question has crossed your mind before. It's crossed all of our minds at some point: Should I stay with/settle for my current partner ... or should I go out and find someone who makes my heart flutter? In this episode, Amy and T. J. have a passionate (yet loving) debate as they advise a 27-year-old who wrote into their weekly Yahoo column, "Ask & T. J." They ultimately gave the same advice: let her go.
To read their weekly column Ask Amy & T.J., head to Yahoo News
https://yhoo.it/AskAmyAndTJ
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey there are folks is July twenty ninth, and one
of our readers, listeners fans calls himself Chen. He wrote
into us asking for some relationship advice. You see, he
says he's been dating a woman and she loves him
more than he loves her, and he's asking should he
(00:22):
settle for this or should he dumper and start all over?
Robock and I had the same initial gut reaction to this,
which was did he just use the word settle? And
with that welcome to this relationship. Addition, this ask Amy
and TJ edition of Amy and TJ based on our
(00:43):
Yahoo column and this this question wrote, I think I
might be more torn on this one than any other
one we've received.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Really, so the title of this week's Yahoo column is
my girlfriend loves me more than I love her? Should
I settle at twenty seven?
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Or move on?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
And look, I think when you've lived enough life you
realize you don't have to settle.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
But early on in my life I might not have.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Articulated that, but I think a lot of people feel
that way. They're afraid that they're going to miss out
on a relationship, on children, on a family, on just
being settled literally, and so they settle so that they
can be settled. And it's one of those A bird
in the hand is we know, they say better than
two in the bush or.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
Something like that. But people always wonder is the grass greener?
Could I do better?
Speaker 2 (01:33):
But if you're asking yourself those questions dot dot dot, can't.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
They be legitimate questions? Can't you have a legitimate something
in you is thinking that there's something better out there?
Can that not be dangerous? And that's why I'm torn,
because no matter what we have, we always think we
got something better. You know, you can find something better.
And who knows what this woman is and how great?
And if he doesn't have butterflies in his stomach, then
that means he is settling. I don't know about all
(01:59):
of that, So I think it could be a good thing,
and it can absolutely be a bad thing. It can
bring you great joy and things on the other side,
and then called you to realize what you gave up
or missed out.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
My mom always told me there's always going to be
someone better looking, someone smarter, someone richer, someone more interesting.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Keeps telling me that every time we discuss us.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
But she told me this throughout my life.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
That if you're always looking for someone who's got something
better to offer, you're never going to be satisfied. At
a certain point, you make your decision about what works
for you. And at the end of the day, this
doesn't sound exciting or passionate. I remember this really bothered me,
(02:43):
and we've talked about this, you and I, TJ.
Speaker 3 (02:45):
My mom told me. Love is a decision. Love is
a choice.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
It's not a feeling. Lust is a feeling. Being in
love might be a feeling, But ultimately, if you want
to be with someone and you want to have a
partner in life, and you want to have a teammate
and you want a family, you choose it. And you
have to choose through moments where it's tough and hard,
and yeah, it might be tempting to say what else
is out there?
Speaker 3 (03:07):
And we've all thought that.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Of course, iddy want to hear that not but it's hard.
It's crap. Butterflies, you do it. Butterflies talk about a decision.
Love is a decision.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
No, no, no, no no.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Love leaves me all the flood. It makes me float
during the day. Love has me sending more text messages
than I probably should. Love. Yes, Love that's what love is.
Don't tell me every day I get up and I
have to make a conscious decision. Okay, I'm a love
of day.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
I don't think every day you have to make that decision.
My dad to say that they've been married fifty plus
years though, so I get it. But the point being,
I think in moments you have to choose. In moments
you have to say not if you wake up every
day going, oh my god.
Speaker 3 (03:45):
Do I have to be with this person? That's the
whole other issue.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
You're saying it, bro, You're not saying it the right way.
You said just simply every day you're making a decision.
I want to be here and I want to be
with that person.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
Yes, that's not romantic, but I think that's realistic. And
I think we have this.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
I think we have this idea, this Disney version idea
of what a relationship is and what love is right
off into the sunset. Yes, and you just always just
embrace each other with love excitement.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
You're describing love?
Speaker 3 (04:16):
Yes, exactly what?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Okay, all right, here's the actual here's the actual question
that was written into us by Chin. I will read
the full one. It's a short one. So no, big
deal here, Amy and TJ. I realize I might sound
like a jerk.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
But here's my question.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Should I be with someone who's really into me if
I don't want them as much back? Or should I
wait to find someone I'd really like to be with
but will have to work to win over. I'm a
twenty seven year old zoomer deciding whether to settle for
my current partner or start over and keep looking.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
What should I do? China?
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Does he sound like a jerk?
Speaker 2 (04:57):
I think he sounds like he's honest, and I don't
think he's being a jerk. And I think people jump
to that very quickly, like how dare you? But if
everyone is truly honest with themselves, you've had that thought,
that thought has come into your mind. That is a
human thought. And I don't think we should fault people
for being honest.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
How often do you have it?
Speaker 2 (05:17):
I don't, look, I have had it plenty in my life,
throughout my life. No, No, it's I don't really No
hourly you missed it?
Speaker 3 (05:28):
How about you? How about you?
Speaker 2 (05:31):
No?
Speaker 1 (05:31):
You know I've never been in relationship with thinking I
could do something better. It's only I take stock of
the current relationship I'll look at it and say I
don't want to be here, this isn't working or is
this going to work? But I'm not thinking I want
something better. I want somebody who's more like this or
more like that.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Well, I'm thinking when you're making that decision whether or
not to propose, whether or not to move in, whether
or not you know that next step, I think that's
when people start questioning this.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Oh yeah, in those moments as well, breakups immediately follow.
Speaker 3 (06:02):
Okay, okay, and that's a good points. My guess that's it.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
But you should ask the question, can he have this
conversation with her? Or how do you have this conversation
with her? Because that's you can't have that conversation without
hurt feelings being the result.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Yes, but I think you have to have the conversation
or you have to break up. It's one or the other.
I don't think you just bury that because I think
you have to be able if you can't have an
honest conversation with your partner. And I know this is
a hard conversation and it's really really, really tough, but
to keep it to yourself and hope that your feelings
might grow. I think when you've been in enough long
(06:39):
term relationships like you and I have been, and a
lot of you listening are in. If early on you're
already feeling like you're settling, I believe it turns then
into resentment and full blown anger and depression later, because
it leads to negative things. If you're burying and suppressing
this notion that somehow and your things king you might
(07:00):
better early on in your relationship, that's when it's supposed
to be rainbows and butterflies and I can't wait to
be with this person. That spend the rest of my
life with this person.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
He didn't suggest I'm overlooking. He didn't say how long
they might be together.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
He didn't, but he was obviously he's twenty seven, and
he's obviously at a point where probably, if I had
to guess, she's thinking, hey, are you going to put
a ring on it? I want to have babies, I
want to like you know this is that's a time
in a lot of women's life. I know I was
in that boat right there. I mean, I don't want
to speak for all women. Certainly today's women are very
different than maybe my generation, but that is a point
(07:33):
in which you usually start to think, if you've been
with someone for a couple of years, hey, what's happening here?
Are we actually going to do this?
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Are we wrong to size up relationships this way? Because
I have given advice before and I do believe it,
and people who have been at this point that I say,
why are you letting perfect to get in the way
of good? Because we do? And I think, if you
have your standard and it has to be this, this, this,
(08:01):
and this, knock yourself out. But sometimes there are unreasonable standards.
And if there is, he doesn't have one thing. Like
I've said before, I needed somebody who's six y two
and this dude's only five to nine, then I don't
want him. Fine, if that's for you, But are we
Is there a threat or a challenge sometime or a
danger in letting perfect get in the way of perfectly good?
Speaker 2 (08:23):
Absolutely when you can. When you're too picky, yeah, you
run into problems. I actually was just seeing this the
other day. Gabby Bernstein, who I love and who's been
on the podcast. If you haven't listened to our podcast
with her, please check it out. She's amazing. But she
talked about how women. She was speaking mostly to women,
but men to you should put a list, maybe even
when you're in the dating world or when you're in
(08:43):
a relationship, of your non negotiables. But it should be
a short list. It shouldn't be he needs to be
six feet tall. He needs to be you know, tall,
dark and handsome. No, we're talking. He's kind, he's flexible,
he's deferential. Whatever it is that you need, he's even
if it's he can support me whatever it is you have.
(09:04):
And she said it shouldn't be more than like five things,
and it shouldn't be anything physical. But you can have
your non negotiables, and then you can have would like
to have, and the would like to have could be
some of those other attributes. But when you actually look
at your list, ask yourself, am I being reasonable?
Speaker 3 (09:20):
And is this you know?
Speaker 2 (09:21):
But really take hard steck and recognize you're not going
to get everything. No one's perfect. You're not perfect, No
relationship is perfect, and certainly the person you're with is
going to have flaws or things you don't like about them.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
You're going to get into some of the comments that
we got from a lot of folks on the article
with this. I didn't give this advice at the time
when we did the article, but I'm thinking of it now.
This is the advice that we give get out of
that relationship today, not for you, but for her. It's
not wasting your time. If she is around the same
age and she is thinking about those things, your head
is already here. You actually owe her, or it would
(09:56):
be I know it seems mean to break up with her,
but you're being kind. I agree, not wasting another year
or two or whatever of our life. You stay with
another year, another two, then she got to get over
for another six months, another year.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Just go ahead, And I think sometimes people need permission
to leave. They feel bad, they know what's going to
hurt that person, but they're going to hurt them much
worse if they stay in and aren't honest with them.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
So I didn't go through it again. It's been a theme.
So the comments, you're seeing a lot of guys.
Speaker 3 (10:24):
Again, Yeah, really a lot of guys.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
Because Yahoo has a big guy readership.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
They certainly do.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Welcome back to the ask Amy and TJ edition of
our podcast where we go over our weekly Yahoo relationship
advice column, and we have a question that came to
us from a reader who was asking he's a twenty
seven year old zoomer, he says, and he's deciding whether
or not he should settle for his current partner or
start over and keep looking. He says, he understands or wait,
(11:02):
the way he sees it, she likes him or loves
him a lot more than he loves her. And the
comments were well plentiful, I should say that, and there
were a lot of folks who had some differing opinions.
We'll start with monk iman O seven. I don't know
monkeyman O seven. He says, this, Oh, this is very
much like what my mom said. Love is a choice.
(11:25):
Lust is a heart flutter. Don't confuse the two. It
is commitment and a willingness to let go of your
selfishness and self centeredness for the greater good of a
long term relationship. Sometimes it is also a spiritual journey
in learning to let go of resentments and see where
we need.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
To grow through our choice to love our partner.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Okay, he makes it sound like love is all self
contained and that you're making a decision after you've already
come to a good place in your own life to
share that with someone. You're making a choice, and that's
I think that's fine ways some people see it, but
it's not romantic at all. It's not that fantasy I've
been seeing since I was a kid.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
It can love be a heart flutter too. He said
love is a choice. Lust is a heart flutter.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
But I think that's where we get messed up in
that we don't think we have the love because our
heart doesn't have the lust. And you can use lose
that lust and still have the love. But I think
we want to feel something. We want to feel excited
when we see our partner when we haven't talked to mowat,
when you phone buzzes and you look down and it's
that person you want.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
To feel that do I feel like and maybe this
is the romantic in me. I do feel like both
can be the same. They won't always be present. You're
not always gonna feel lustful towards your partner twenty years
down the road, thirty years down the.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
Road, but you still will feel that. It just won't be.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
Maybe as strong and as fast and furious as it
was in the beginning, but it's still If it's completely gone,
if the flame is out, I think that's really tough
to manage that and to continue that choice.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
It feels like a burden. I do feel like.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
It's I think it's okay to believe and to know
that you can have both. Maybe not as strong as before,
but do you agree.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
I think that that you can't have both. I think
you should.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Still be able to feel that desire and that lust
towards the person you love, even decades later. And I
think some people absolutely say that's true. Some people think
it's a fantasy.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Well, this apparently love is a fantasy according to this episode.
Can we get through this because this is really turning
me off?
Speaker 3 (13:28):
Okay, we'll move on.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Next to Andrew's comment, he says, the question is do
you think too much of yourself? Have you tried loving
her the way she needs rather than just thinking about yourself?
Do you make a good pair? Do you compliment each
other when difficult decisions come? Will you be able to
come to an agreement? The reason why our society is
anxious and depressed is that they think too much about
(13:52):
what they think they need or deserve. This doesn't lead
to good mental health. Think about what you do well
and try to do it. Give your life for others.
Life is not easy. What you need is someone that
is stable and you can count on that person also
needs to count on you.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
That was good and well thought out. But he makes
a good point where how do we find this balance
of Often times we're told we do need to focus
on ourselves, we shouldn't settle for less. I think that's
something that women, certainly, and the themes in recent years
has been there. So we are pounding into everybody's head
that if you settle for anything less, then you are
(14:30):
doing a disservice to yourself, that that's not taking care
of yourself. But love is supposed to be selfless. At
the same time, we're talking about you should be focused
on the other person, not you. So what do we
make of that?
Speaker 3 (14:39):
Yeah, I mean well thought. I actually this one.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
I've I had an AHA moment when I read his
Andrew's comment because I thought this was so interesting.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
All the shows we watch.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
How often do we hear I deserve better, you deserve better.
It's this whole concept of deserve and need. And he
does make a good point that our where our mental
health in this nation is not going the way in
the direction we wanted to. It's getting worse, it's not
getting better despite all the prescription pills available, all the
mental health centers open, all the hotlines, all the therapists,
(15:15):
people talk openly about it. Somehow we're not getting better,
and maybe it is this sole focus on ourselves and
our needs instead of focusing on others.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
I've well done.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
All right, let's move on now to elle Cat here.
And by the way, all of these comments, most of
them were really lengthy. People had a lot to say
about Chin's question. El Cat says this well for starters.
Number one, don't use someone and string them along and
keep them as a placeholder until something better comes along.
Speaker 3 (15:41):
It's not nice. Number two.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Number three.
With my second point, you might end up breaking up
meeting someone new and then actually settling just to realize
one year or five years into the marriage that this
person isn't who you thought they were, or you're actually
not compatible. Sometimes that garner's resentment, which is a terrible feeling.
My advice is to break up with your girlfriend and
(16:05):
spare her wasted time in a relationship where she is
not valued or loved. Then stay single and work on
yourself and figure out who you are before making any
type of long term commitment such as marriage.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
Yeah, that's good advice. Twenty seven still figuring things out
in all likelihood, but he's probably not sure not you know.
I don't think someone older would have sent this question
in because they would have known who they are and
what they want and how they feel, and they would
also have enough relationship experience and know this thing going
in the right direction. I bet this very much has
(16:38):
to do with the age on this one. Not a
bad thing, but there's experience you still need to gain
at twenty seven years old.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Yeah, and we say this, we say this to chin
having both gotten married at twenty three.
Speaker 3 (16:49):
Okay, and so we get it.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
We at twenty three and even the next time around,
like it's just you're still.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
Figuring out who you are.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
So I thought that was great advice from el kat
Right John writes this, I hate the word settle when
it comes to romance. Are you looking at people as
commodities that you can upgrade? You either like someone and
are happy with who they are, or you're not. If
you're with someone for what they bring to the table,
then relationships are business decisions for you. Be upfront about
(17:19):
that fact when you're dating to properly align expectations when
I hear she likes me more than I like her.
Everybody expresses their affections differently. If the mismatch causes conflict
and can't be resolved, move on. But the question of
should I settle really indicates you no longer want to
be with your partner.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Now focusing on the word settle, and again, not to
insult chin, but it sounds like something from someone who
is insecure. It sounds like from someone who is unsure
of themselves because they're trying to measure in some way,
and you're making yourself feel better by saying someone doesn't
measure up. And it's always a dangerous thing for people
(18:00):
to do. The drum major instinct from MLK right, it's
one of the we always want to be special and
feel out front, and the way that most people do
it is you have to make somebody feel less than
You have to put somebody down first to make yourself
feel better. He's insulting her in this way. He's comparing
almost call and putting himself up on a pedestal like
I'm special and yeah she's crazy about me, but I
(18:22):
don't like her. It's a weird childish thing to do.
Almost again, not insulting Chin, but it just sounds familiar.
And whoever just wrote in kind of kind of made
that point for me that I hadn't considered.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
Yeah, because it does sound more like a business transaction
where you're comparing what you've got with what she's got,
with how she's feeling, with how you're feeling. But if
you're already going there and already doing that, and I
think everyone it sounds like from everyone that I read
putting in a comment, and certainly what our advice was,
I think it's pretty universal. At this point, Chin needs
(18:54):
to break up with his girlfriend and do it. Is
exactly for her sake one hundred percent, and the probably
the reason why he's staying is for his sake because
it feels safe and it feels comfortable. But Jin, we
think you need to move on and it's the best
thing you can do for your girlfriend and for yourself.
Well with that, folks, thank you so much for listening
(19:14):
to us. And please, if you haven't checked out the column,
it's in the Yahoo Life section ask Amy and TJ,
and please feel free to leave a comment. We love
reading them and we certainly hope you love listening to
or at least listening to us here, but reading the
columns that come out every Monday on the Yahoo Life section.
So thanks for listening to us right now. We hope
(19:36):
you have a wonderful Tuesday. I'm Amy robot on behalf
of my partner TJ.
Speaker 3 (19:39):
Holmes. We'll see you tomorrow
Hey there are folks is July twenty ninth, and one
of our readers, listeners fans calls himself Chen. He wrote
into us asking for some relationship advice. You see, he
says he's been dating a woman and she loves him
more than he loves her, and he's asking should he
(00:22):
settle for this or should he dumper and start all over?
Robock and I had the same initial gut reaction to this,
which was did he just use the word settle? And
with that welcome to this relationship. Addition, this ask Amy
and TJ edition of Amy and TJ based on our
(00:43):
Yahoo column and this this question wrote, I think I
might be more torn on this one than any other
one we've received.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
Really, so the title of this week's Yahoo column is
my girlfriend loves me more than I love her? Should
I settle at twenty seven?
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Or move on?
Speaker 2 (01:00):
And look, I think when you've lived enough life you
realize you don't have to settle.
Speaker 3 (01:06):
But early on in my life I might not have.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
Articulated that, but I think a lot of people feel
that way. They're afraid that they're going to miss out
on a relationship, on children, on a family, on just
being settled literally, and so they settle so that they
can be settled. And it's one of those A bird
in the hand is we know, they say better than
two in the bush or.
Speaker 3 (01:28):
Something like that. But people always wonder is the grass greener?
Could I do better?
Speaker 2 (01:33):
But if you're asking yourself those questions dot dot dot, can't.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
They be legitimate questions? Can't you have a legitimate something
in you is thinking that there's something better out there?
Can that not be dangerous? And that's why I'm torn,
because no matter what we have, we always think we
got something better. You know, you can find something better.
And who knows what this woman is and how great?
And if he doesn't have butterflies in his stomach, then
that means he is settling. I don't know about all
(01:59):
of that, So I think it could be a good thing,
and it can absolutely be a bad thing. It can
bring you great joy and things on the other side,
and then called you to realize what you gave up
or missed out.
Speaker 2 (02:10):
My mom always told me there's always going to be
someone better looking, someone smarter, someone richer, someone more interesting.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
Keeps telling me that every time we discuss us.
Speaker 3 (02:22):
But she told me this throughout my life.
Speaker 2 (02:23):
That if you're always looking for someone who's got something
better to offer, you're never going to be satisfied. At
a certain point, you make your decision about what works
for you. And at the end of the day, this
doesn't sound exciting or passionate. I remember this really bothered me,
(02:43):
and we've talked about this, you and I, TJ.
Speaker 3 (02:45):
My mom told me. Love is a decision. Love is
a choice.
Speaker 2 (02:49):
It's not a feeling. Lust is a feeling. Being in
love might be a feeling, But ultimately, if you want
to be with someone and you want to have a
partner in life, and you want to have a teammate
and you want a family, you choose it. And you
have to choose through moments where it's tough and hard,
and yeah, it might be tempting to say what else
is out there?
Speaker 3 (03:07):
And we've all thought that.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Of course, iddy want to hear that not but it's hard.
It's crap. Butterflies, you do it. Butterflies talk about a decision.
Love is a decision.
Speaker 3 (03:16):
No, no, no, no no.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Love leaves me all the flood. It makes me float
during the day. Love has me sending more text messages
than I probably should. Love. Yes, Love that's what love is.
Don't tell me every day I get up and I
have to make a conscious decision. Okay, I'm a love
of day.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
I don't think every day you have to make that decision.
My dad to say that they've been married fifty plus
years though, so I get it. But the point being,
I think in moments you have to choose. In moments
you have to say not if you wake up every
day going, oh my god.
Speaker 3 (03:45):
Do I have to be with this person? That's the
whole other issue.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
You're saying it, bro, You're not saying it the right way.
You said just simply every day you're making a decision.
I want to be here and I want to be
with that person.
Speaker 3 (03:56):
Yes, that's not romantic, but I think that's realistic. And
I think we have this.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
I think we have this idea, this Disney version idea
of what a relationship is and what love is right
off into the sunset. Yes, and you just always just
embrace each other with love excitement.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
You're describing love?
Speaker 3 (04:16):
Yes, exactly what?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
Okay, all right, here's the actual here's the actual question
that was written into us by Chin. I will read
the full one. It's a short one. So no, big
deal here, Amy and TJ. I realize I might sound
like a jerk.
Speaker 3 (04:32):
But here's my question.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
Should I be with someone who's really into me if
I don't want them as much back? Or should I
wait to find someone I'd really like to be with
but will have to work to win over. I'm a
twenty seven year old zoomer deciding whether to settle for
my current partner or start over and keep looking.
Speaker 3 (04:52):
What should I do? China?
Speaker 1 (04:55):
Does he sound like a jerk?
Speaker 2 (04:57):
I think he sounds like he's honest, and I don't
think he's being a jerk. And I think people jump
to that very quickly, like how dare you? But if
everyone is truly honest with themselves, you've had that thought,
that thought has come into your mind. That is a
human thought. And I don't think we should fault people
for being honest.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
How often do you have it?
Speaker 2 (05:17):
I don't, look, I have had it plenty in my life,
throughout my life. No, No, it's I don't really No
hourly you missed it?
Speaker 3 (05:28):
How about you? How about you?
Speaker 2 (05:31):
No?
Speaker 1 (05:31):
You know I've never been in relationship with thinking I
could do something better. It's only I take stock of
the current relationship I'll look at it and say I
don't want to be here, this isn't working or is
this going to work? But I'm not thinking I want
something better. I want somebody who's more like this or
more like that.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Well, I'm thinking when you're making that decision whether or
not to propose, whether or not to move in, whether
or not you know that next step, I think that's
when people start questioning this.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Oh yeah, in those moments as well, breakups immediately follow.
Speaker 3 (06:02):
Okay, okay, and that's a good points. My guess that's it.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
But you should ask the question, can he have this
conversation with her? Or how do you have this conversation
with her? Because that's you can't have that conversation without
hurt feelings being the result.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
Yes, but I think you have to have the conversation
or you have to break up. It's one or the other.
I don't think you just bury that because I think
you have to be able if you can't have an
honest conversation with your partner. And I know this is
a hard conversation and it's really really, really tough, but
to keep it to yourself and hope that your feelings
might grow. I think when you've been in enough long
(06:39):
term relationships like you and I have been, and a
lot of you listening are in. If early on you're
already feeling like you're settling, I believe it turns then
into resentment and full blown anger and depression later, because
it leads to negative things. If you're burying and suppressing
this notion that somehow and your things king you might
(07:00):
better early on in your relationship, that's when it's supposed
to be rainbows and butterflies and I can't wait to
be with this person. That spend the rest of my
life with this person.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
He didn't suggest I'm overlooking. He didn't say how long
they might be together.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
He didn't, but he was obviously he's twenty seven, and
he's obviously at a point where probably, if I had
to guess, she's thinking, hey, are you going to put
a ring on it? I want to have babies, I
want to like you know this is that's a time
in a lot of women's life. I know I was
in that boat right there. I mean, I don't want
to speak for all women. Certainly today's women are very
different than maybe my generation, but that is a point
(07:33):
in which you usually start to think, if you've been
with someone for a couple of years, hey, what's happening here?
Are we actually going to do this?
Speaker 1 (07:40):
Are we wrong to size up relationships this way? Because
I have given advice before and I do believe it,
and people who have been at this point that I say,
why are you letting perfect to get in the way
of good? Because we do? And I think, if you
have your standard and it has to be this, this, this,
(08:01):
and this, knock yourself out. But sometimes there are unreasonable standards.
And if there is, he doesn't have one thing. Like
I've said before, I needed somebody who's six y two
and this dude's only five to nine, then I don't
want him. Fine, if that's for you, But are we
Is there a threat or a challenge sometime or a
danger in letting perfect get in the way of perfectly good?
Speaker 2 (08:23):
Absolutely when you can. When you're too picky, yeah, you
run into problems. I actually was just seeing this the
other day. Gabby Bernstein, who I love and who's been
on the podcast. If you haven't listened to our podcast
with her, please check it out. She's amazing. But she
talked about how women. She was speaking mostly to women,
but men to you should put a list, maybe even
when you're in the dating world or when you're in
(08:43):
a relationship, of your non negotiables. But it should be
a short list. It shouldn't be he needs to be
six feet tall. He needs to be you know, tall,
dark and handsome. No, we're talking. He's kind, he's flexible,
he's deferential. Whatever it is that you need, he's even
if it's he can support me whatever it is you have.
(09:04):
And she said it shouldn't be more than like five things,
and it shouldn't be anything physical. But you can have
your non negotiables, and then you can have would like
to have, and the would like to have could be
some of those other attributes. But when you actually look
at your list, ask yourself, am I being reasonable?
Speaker 3 (09:20):
And is this you know?
Speaker 2 (09:21):
But really take hard steck and recognize you're not going
to get everything. No one's perfect. You're not perfect, No
relationship is perfect, and certainly the person you're with is
going to have flaws or things you don't like about them.
Speaker 1 (09:33):
You're going to get into some of the comments that
we got from a lot of folks on the article
with this. I didn't give this advice at the time
when we did the article, but I'm thinking of it now.
This is the advice that we give get out of
that relationship today, not for you, but for her. It's
not wasting your time. If she is around the same
age and she is thinking about those things, your head
is already here. You actually owe her, or it would
(09:56):
be I know it seems mean to break up with her,
but you're being kind. I agree, not wasting another year
or two or whatever of our life. You stay with
another year, another two, then she got to get over
for another six months, another year.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
Just go ahead, And I think sometimes people need permission
to leave. They feel bad, they know what's going to
hurt that person, but they're going to hurt them much
worse if they stay in and aren't honest with them.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
So I didn't go through it again. It's been a theme.
So the comments, you're seeing a lot of guys.
Speaker 3 (10:24):
Again, Yeah, really a lot of guys.
Speaker 1 (10:26):
Because Yahoo has a big guy readership.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
They certainly do.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Welcome back to the ask Amy and TJ edition of
our podcast where we go over our weekly Yahoo relationship
advice column, and we have a question that came to
us from a reader who was asking he's a twenty
seven year old zoomer, he says, and he's deciding whether
or not he should settle for his current partner or
start over and keep looking. He says, he understands or wait,
(11:02):
the way he sees it, she likes him or loves
him a lot more than he loves her. And the
comments were well plentiful, I should say that, and there
were a lot of folks who had some differing opinions.
We'll start with monk iman O seven. I don't know
monkeyman O seven. He says, this, Oh, this is very
much like what my mom said. Love is a choice.
(11:25):
Lust is a heart flutter. Don't confuse the two. It
is commitment and a willingness to let go of your
selfishness and self centeredness for the greater good of a
long term relationship. Sometimes it is also a spiritual journey
in learning to let go of resentments and see where
we need.
Speaker 3 (11:43):
To grow through our choice to love our partner.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
Okay, he makes it sound like love is all self
contained and that you're making a decision after you've already
come to a good place in your own life to
share that with someone. You're making a choice, and that's
I think that's fine ways some people see it, but
it's not romantic at all. It's not that fantasy I've
been seeing since I was a kid.
Speaker 2 (12:04):
It can love be a heart flutter too. He said
love is a choice. Lust is a heart flutter.
Speaker 1 (12:10):
But I think that's where we get messed up in
that we don't think we have the love because our
heart doesn't have the lust. And you can use lose
that lust and still have the love. But I think
we want to feel something. We want to feel excited
when we see our partner when we haven't talked to mowat,
when you phone buzzes and you look down and it's
that person you want.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
To feel that do I feel like and maybe this
is the romantic in me. I do feel like both
can be the same. They won't always be present. You're
not always gonna feel lustful towards your partner twenty years
down the road, thirty years down the.
Speaker 3 (12:40):
Road, but you still will feel that. It just won't be.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
Maybe as strong and as fast and furious as it
was in the beginning, but it's still If it's completely gone,
if the flame is out, I think that's really tough
to manage that and to continue that choice.
Speaker 3 (12:56):
It feels like a burden. I do feel like.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
It's I think it's okay to believe and to know
that you can have both. Maybe not as strong as before,
but do you agree.
Speaker 3 (13:07):
I think that that you can't have both. I think
you should.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
Still be able to feel that desire and that lust
towards the person you love, even decades later. And I
think some people absolutely say that's true. Some people think
it's a fantasy.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Well, this apparently love is a fantasy according to this episode.
Can we get through this because this is really turning
me off?
Speaker 3 (13:28):
Okay, we'll move on.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
Next to Andrew's comment, he says, the question is do
you think too much of yourself? Have you tried loving
her the way she needs rather than just thinking about yourself?
Do you make a good pair? Do you compliment each
other when difficult decisions come? Will you be able to
come to an agreement? The reason why our society is
anxious and depressed is that they think too much about
(13:52):
what they think they need or deserve. This doesn't lead
to good mental health. Think about what you do well
and try to do it. Give your life for others.
Life is not easy. What you need is someone that
is stable and you can count on that person also
needs to count on you.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
That was good and well thought out. But he makes
a good point where how do we find this balance
of Often times we're told we do need to focus
on ourselves, we shouldn't settle for less. I think that's
something that women, certainly, and the themes in recent years
has been there. So we are pounding into everybody's head
that if you settle for anything less, then you are
(14:30):
doing a disservice to yourself, that that's not taking care
of yourself. But love is supposed to be selfless. At
the same time, we're talking about you should be focused
on the other person, not you. So what do we
make of that?
Speaker 3 (14:39):
Yeah, I mean well thought. I actually this one.
Speaker 2 (14:42):
I've I had an AHA moment when I read his
Andrew's comment because I thought this was so interesting.
Speaker 3 (14:49):
All the shows we watch.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
How often do we hear I deserve better, you deserve better.
It's this whole concept of deserve and need. And he
does make a good point that our where our mental
health in this nation is not going the way in
the direction we wanted to. It's getting worse, it's not
getting better despite all the prescription pills available, all the
mental health centers open, all the hotlines, all the therapists,
(15:15):
people talk openly about it. Somehow we're not getting better,
and maybe it is this sole focus on ourselves and
our needs instead of focusing on others.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
I've well done.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
All right, let's move on now to elle Cat here.
And by the way, all of these comments, most of
them were really lengthy. People had a lot to say
about Chin's question. El Cat says this well for starters.
Number one, don't use someone and string them along and
keep them as a placeholder until something better comes along.
Speaker 3 (15:41):
It's not nice. Number two.
Speaker 2 (15:43):
The grass isn't always greener on the other side. Number three.
With my second point, you might end up breaking up
meeting someone new and then actually settling just to realize
one year or five years into the marriage that this
person isn't who you thought they were, or you're actually
not compatible. Sometimes that garner's resentment, which is a terrible feeling.
My advice is to break up with your girlfriend and
(16:05):
spare her wasted time in a relationship where she is
not valued or loved. Then stay single and work on
yourself and figure out who you are before making any
type of long term commitment such as marriage.
Speaker 1 (16:17):
Yeah, that's good advice. Twenty seven still figuring things out
in all likelihood, but he's probably not sure not you know.
I don't think someone older would have sent this question
in because they would have known who they are and
what they want and how they feel, and they would
also have enough relationship experience and know this thing going
in the right direction. I bet this very much has
(16:38):
to do with the age on this one. Not a
bad thing, but there's experience you still need to gain
at twenty seven years old.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
Yeah, and we say this, we say this to chin
having both gotten married at twenty three.
Speaker 3 (16:49):
Okay, and so we get it.
Speaker 2 (16:51):
We at twenty three and even the next time around,
like it's just you're still.
Speaker 3 (16:56):
Figuring out who you are.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
So I thought that was great advice from el kat
Right John writes this, I hate the word settle when
it comes to romance. Are you looking at people as
commodities that you can upgrade? You either like someone and
are happy with who they are, or you're not. If
you're with someone for what they bring to the table,
then relationships are business decisions for you. Be upfront about
(17:19):
that fact when you're dating to properly align expectations when
I hear she likes me more than I like her.
Everybody expresses their affections differently. If the mismatch causes conflict
and can't be resolved, move on. But the question of
should I settle really indicates you no longer want to
be with your partner.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Now focusing on the word settle, and again, not to
insult chin, but it sounds like something from someone who
is insecure. It sounds like from someone who is unsure
of themselves because they're trying to measure in some way,
and you're making yourself feel better by saying someone doesn't
measure up. And it's always a dangerous thing for people
(18:00):
to do. The drum major instinct from MLK right, it's
one of the we always want to be special and
feel out front, and the way that most people do
it is you have to make somebody feel less than
You have to put somebody down first to make yourself
feel better. He's insulting her in this way. He's comparing
almost call and putting himself up on a pedestal like
I'm special and yeah she's crazy about me, but I
(18:22):
don't like her. It's a weird childish thing to do.
Almost again, not insulting Chin, but it just sounds familiar.
And whoever just wrote in kind of kind of made
that point for me that I hadn't considered.
Speaker 2 (18:34):
Yeah, because it does sound more like a business transaction
where you're comparing what you've got with what she's got,
with how she's feeling, with how you're feeling. But if
you're already going there and already doing that, and I
think everyone it sounds like from everyone that I read
putting in a comment, and certainly what our advice was,
I think it's pretty universal. At this point, Chin needs
(18:54):
to break up with his girlfriend and do it. Is
exactly for her sake one hundred percent, and the probably
the reason why he's staying is for his sake because
it feels safe and it feels comfortable. But Jin, we
think you need to move on and it's the best
thing you can do for your girlfriend and for yourself.
Well with that, folks, thank you so much for listening
(19:14):
to us. And please, if you haven't checked out the column,
it's in the Yahoo Life section ask Amy and TJ,
and please feel free to leave a comment. We love
reading them and we certainly hope you love listening to
or at least listening to us here, but reading the
columns that come out every Monday on the Yahoo Life section.
So thanks for listening to us right now. We hope
(19:36):
you have a wonderful Tuesday. I'm Amy robot on behalf
of my partner TJ.
Speaker 3 (19:39):
Holmes. We'll see you tomorrow
Hosts And Creators
Lauren Zima
Chris Harrison
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