July 11, 2025 • 28 mins
Amy and T.J. want to thank Huda and Chris for keeping it real. This Love Island couple is working through conflict in front of America and is showing all of us what you should never do when you’re upset with your partner. From walking off during an intense conversation to then denying you did that very thing (gaslighting) to physically rejecting someone in bed and then making a statement that things are never gonna change. How many of us are guilty of some or all of the above? This episode turned into a master class of what not to do!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hey, folks, it is Friday, July eleventh, and Chris and
Hudah continue to do a public service for all of
us who are in relationships by showing us exactly what
not to do. Welcome to this Love Island USA edition
of Amy and TJ, where we go beyond the hot bods,
kissing games and the hideaway suites to identify the real
(00:24):
relationship lessons sprinkle throughout the hit show robes. I don't
want to be too hard on them because as soon
as they show us what not to do, they have
come back and there are some lessons from them on
how to do things properly in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
I actually appreciate how real they're being. I think, you know,
a lot of complaints have been about reality shows and
even Love Island that folks are media trained and they're
performing in front of the camera. I have to say,
with these two, it feels really authentic because what we're
seeing in their conflict actually really replicates life and so
(00:57):
many relationships all of us are in. So I actually
appreciate them significantly. They are providing most of our conversation today.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Yeah, at this point, they're the only ones seemed to
be in a real conflict or figuring things out. At
least the past couple episodes. Everybody else is kind of
booed up. What the age just ass Home Girl to
be is? What do they call it?
Speaker 2 (01:18):
It's exclusive?
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Exclusive?
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Yeah, yes, it's they're exclusive.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Everybody else seems to have figured some of their stuff out.
These two are still struggled.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Well. I think everyone else might be in that heady,
exciting where you're just like the other person can do
no wrong, and you're in that like love glow bubble.
It depends on the couple, but I think these folks
have been together for a few weeks. Yeah, it should
last a few weeks.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
Yeah, they should all be good.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
I think it's interesting that Chris and Hooter are dealing
with things that usually doesn't come until about six months
down the road. So we give.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Yes, we've been focused on them a little bit. We're
going to focus on them some more today. But again,
if we want to remind you, we are not here
to take sides. We are really watching this show, not
as a we're rooting for Chris or rooting for who
to rooting for anybody. It's just we watch these shows
and row. We talked about it here but you're the
one got me on into where I got so into
them because I see real relationship conversations happening that I
(02:12):
want to pause the show and have some of those
conversations with you. So this has been cool with a.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Watch, it has been and I think that if anything,
if this sparks a conversation between you and your partner,
and it should and it should And a lot of
these are uncomfortable topics that people don't want to talk about.
They avoid because they don't want to get in a fight.
But if you can actually have a conversation about someone
else's issue, and sure, yeah, of course it resonates.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
You said as well. When you can step back and
see somebody else doing it, you recognize the behavior. Well,
we can look back and go, damn, why did he
do that? And you recognize he shouldn't have done that,
and then I think to myself, damn I did that.
It's so you can sit back and you see examples
of your own bad behavior or missteps and.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
It makes you think, and you know what, that is
the way to look at it, because the worst way
you could pass we look at it is see something
and go see you do that? That's not what we're suggesting,
you know, like when you're when I'm watching it, I'm
looking to see behaviors that I do. That I have
to admit that is so important. But don't look at
the behaviors and say that's exactly what my boyfriend does,
that's exactly what because that's only gonna make things worse.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Yeah, I'm gonna try that now, you know we have Naturally,
that's not something we've done. I have not watched and
looked at you that see what she did. That's what
I'm talking about. That actually hasn't happened. So I don't
think naturally people, if you do that, you got we
got a bigger problem.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
No, and that is you know what, that's cool, And
we didn't. That wasn't deliberate, that wasn't restraint. I really
was looking at it for trying to better myself.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
So last episode officially was episode thirty three, last Night
of Love Island USA. They just have a few more episodes.
We got one tonight, one tomorrow, and then the finale
is Sunday, of course, but these were the relationship scenarios
we picked up on that we want to make sure
you are addressing, possibly in your own relationship. One the
(04:01):
idea of walking off from someone during an intense conversation.
Two gaslighting your partner. That's a big deal and we
saw it on display in the show. Three physically rejecting
someone at bedtime. This is the idea of kind of
going to bed angry. But we saw something in the show.
I was like, oh, brother, come on, don't do that.
And then number four issue what do you think about
(04:23):
romantic sweet or even borderline cheesy gestures between partners? And
then finally word choice in resolution still matters. Yes, the
fight's over, but still you don't have to use those words. Brother.
We will get into that. The first robes, it was
how many times did I rewind the episode at the beginning?
This was early on Hood and Chris having a conversation
(04:45):
and she said something to him. I went back, I
turned it up. Did she really just said that? And
this was something you talk about all the time. She
immediately defended herself, and for me, that was the gaslighting issue.
But this all started with her walking away from someone
during an intense conversation.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Right, so when things get uncomfortable, and things certainly got
uncomfortable between Huda and Chris, Whoda just got up and
walked off. And look, I understand that that has absolutely
been a mode of operation I have employed. And I
think we've talked about this before on a podcast where
you said at one point, if you walk out that door,
(05:24):
do not come back, like you will not be coming back.
And I thought about it. I had my hand on
the door handle, and I thought, I think he's being serious,
and that's actually a fair point. I shouldn't walk off,
even though I'm angry right now, and so I didn't.
And I think what I have done, not in even
complex with you, but complex with even my daughters, I
(05:46):
have had to say and I think it's okay to
walk off if you know your emotions are out of control,
and that's okay. That happens sometimes people you know you've
got a trigger, you've got something you're trying to work through,
and someone says the exact worst thing they could say
to you, and just steam comes out of your ears. Right,
So what do you do? So I have found that
what I've tried to do is to say, hey, I
(06:07):
feel really emotionally volatile right now, and I don't like
where I am. I'm going to take ten minutes to
calm down, and then I would I want to come
back and continue this conversation. But when I'm in a
better frame of mind, you can do that. That's how
you walk away, and you said I'll come back.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
How hard is that so hard? You did it last year? Yes, right,
and that's not and you took a moment you did
it and you recognized but this wasn't between me and you,
by the way, I mentioned that, but you did so,
but it is that is not your moo historically in
your life. So you're explaining what to do. It's so simple,
(06:42):
but it is.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Hard when you are angry. Yes, in the moment. What
the first thing you have to do is recognize, I
am so out of control right now. My emotions are
out of control, and I shouldn't actually speak. I shouldn't
say what's pulling up inside of me? You know? You
the other It wasn't even there was no argument, but
I had said something and I knew that you kind
(07:05):
of got quiet and you had to leave to go
do something. But you texted me later, I don't know
if you remember this, and you said, hey, I just
want to explain. I left a little quietly today, but
you said something and I'm not saying you said anything wrong,
but it set me off in a way, and I
knew I wasn't in a good place, so I needed
some time and I just wanted to explain to you
how I was feeling. And I thought that was so
cool because I had it. I was like, something's off,
(07:27):
but I don't know quite what it was, and You're like,
I don't even need to tell you what it was
that you said. I just had to get myself right.
And I thought that was such a cool way to
handle it.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
And I I think I've apologized for it, but I've
done it before, I've walked away from it and this
is not certainly my mo. But I didn't discuss it
with you. This was actually in a restaurant and I
we were sitting at the bar. I said, babe, I
need a minute, and I stood up and I walked.
I wasn't angry, I didn't yell it, did nothing else,
said babe, I need a minute, and I walked out
the door of the restaurant. I don't know how long
(07:57):
I was gone, but came back. But I don't think ever, ever, ever,
it could be the right thing to do a good
call to make to at the heat of battle, when
you're at the height of emotion, to tell somebody I'm
done with you. I'm finished with you, like you just said,
you don't have the privilege of talking to me anymore.
It's insulting, it's disrespectful. It shouldn't be done. We make
(08:17):
those mistakes, but they showed us, Yeah, at least an
exact and we saw how he felt about it. He
actually felt crazy. Chris. At one point when she walked off,
he was had his hand in his like in his eyes,
and he said, what am I doing?
Speaker 2 (08:31):
I'm crazy? Am I tripping? I'm tripping something? U. Yeah,
you start questioning your own feelings. But I think as
long as you take accountability that you're the one who
feels out of control, you're not blaming the other person.
You're not saying you just made me walk out or you.
You actually take accountability for your out of control emotions
in a calm way. Very hard to do.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
So that was a lesson they taught us. Do not
you should not walk off like this. But less than
two comes from this as well, this scenario in which
and I didn't know this rope, but there's a whole
conversation online about Huda and how she walks off. She
walks off with you won't complete a conversation. That's very immature,
and people have their feelings about people on the show,
(09:12):
and that's fine. We saw her in the previous episode
thirty two walk off from him during a conversation. Wasn't loud,
wasn't that he did, didn't explode, but still she got
up and walked off while they were in the conversation
this episode last night, very early in the episode, she
says to him, I didn't walk off. The conversation ended
(09:36):
and I walked away. And when I heard that, I
started rewinding and rerun. Did she really say that?
Speaker 2 (09:41):
Yeah, she did say that, And then we rewound and
rewound and saw that she did walk off. My thought
is what happens is you when you're emotionally charged like that,
and I'm not defending her, you remember things differently. You
remember feeling justified. You remember saying, well, he stopped talking
and so I just left, And you're not acknowledging that
you actually so angry you left as a form of
(10:01):
punishment to say, like, f you, I'm not talking to
you anymore. You didn't say it but when you got
up and left, you know you were feeling that, but
you don't want to admit that, and you think, well,
he stopped talking, so I just left. So you're defending
yourself and you're trying to you're trying to make fact
what you felt when it actually was in fact. And
I think that I think our emotions cloud our memory
(10:24):
to make ourselves feel better about what we did. I'm
going to give her that benefit of the doubt. Was
it manipulative in the sense that she was deliberately gaslighting him? Maybe,
but maybe she actually just truly remembered it differently because
she wanted it.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
To be that way, And for the person on the
receiving end of that, it's nothing but gaslighting. Correct, because
I'm not sitting on the other side listening to you
tell me that what I saw and what we all
experienced was wrong. Right, So if you were emotional, and
that's fine, if you want to tell me you got
emotional foggy brain or something, but you cannot tell me
that I didn't experience what I experienced just because you
(10:59):
were experiencing something internally that nobody else said effort.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
That's so true, and the video doesn't lie. It doesn't.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
So when she said that to him, I took it
as she was. And again this isn't a matter of
breaking down the episodes and the context there, but for
the situation I was reading, she was just defending herself,
like she knew she did something bad. Maybe the cameras
played into it. Oh my goodness, that didn't look good.
Let me go over here and try to make it
look better, make myself look better on TV for the country.
(11:29):
She first thing she did when she sat down, she
said that I didn't I first of all, I didn't
walk off. I ended the conversation and left. Okay, it
was even a quick little aside. I didn't give him
a chance to respond. So we people do that. We've
seen people do that, but when you do that to someone,
and I have been on the receiving end of this
too often, where I am told that what I experienced
(11:53):
didn't happen, and these are.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Just and you look back at that and when you
see it happen to another couple, you're like, Okay. What
she could have said was I'm so sorry that I
walked away and you felt abandoned. But here's what I
was feeling, and in my mind. I thought the conversation
was over. But you're right. I hear what you're saying,
and that probably came off really rude and really disrespectful
and really dismissive. So that would be an okay way
(12:15):
to explain it.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
I wouldn't even go as far as saying, you have
to apologize, but just don't tell me that what happened
did not happened. Just to make yourself look better or
feel better. Is where guest lighting usually comes from.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Different exactly, and that drives me.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
But that's true, Sandwich. Now Chris and Huda will stay
with him again after all this and all this anger. Well, wow,
we all got to go to bed tonight.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
They have to sleep in the same bed. They can't
sleep Oh yeah, you're right, they can't sleep outside when
they get that angry.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
That would have been that might have been better in
this situation. But Chris, they still sleep in the bed together.
But she walks in after getting herself ready in robes.
He's laying there and turned with his back to where
she's gonna lay down already with his eyes closed.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
I like, oh, whether he was sleeping or not, he
had his back to heard that That is a physical
f you.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
But isn't that classic the idea of going to bed angry?
What do you do?
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Get as far away on the opposite side of the
bed as you can with your back to your partner.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
We've heard different opinion. We've talked to therapists about this.
We have folks on the show talking about relationships. It
seems they're two different transit thought here. Yeah, some will plan.
I'll tell you, yeah, it's okay to go to We're
not going to resolve this tonight. We're gonna stay up
all night, just be mad, be exhausted. No, let's give
some rest, clear of thoughts in the morning. Other people
(13:38):
say the opposite. I feel like therapists say one thing
and then couples say another.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Right, for some reason, I think that, Yes, I think
therapists tell you not to go to bed angry. And
perhaps what I've heard and this, I don't know, if
you're really mad at somebody, this is really hard to do.
But even if you're mad at someone, there have been
people who say hold hands during fights. That's hilarious to
Meuse when we're really mad at each other, the thought
of doing that is so count anything. Yes, hold hands,
(14:05):
I believe that was what and married at first sight.
That is what Dr Pepper uh and they suggested when
you are fighting with someone to hold their hand let.
So basically the idea is because I think that when
you get into a fight, you're upset, you're afraid, right,
you're afraid that the other person's done with you, or
it's over, or all of these fears of an ending come.
(14:27):
If someone's physically touching you and saying, we're going to
get through this, but we have a lot of issues
to deal with. Those are all things easy to say
when you have a calm or clearer head when you're angry,
that is that seems almost impossible. But they do say,
like I don't want to use the word cuddling with
some sort of physical touch even if you're angry at
each other. We've talked about this, even if we're not
in a great place, I will reach and hold your hand,
(14:48):
and it just there's just a there's a calm, there's
just a okay, like this isn't we're not in a
good place, but we're still together and we're going to
try to figure this out.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Like the footing, it works for me. We do angry
if your barefoot touches my barefoot and okay.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Okay, so yes, just a little gesture like that. But
when you're I don't know that I've come in your
backs completely turned. I don't have we done that to
each other.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
I don't ever remember making a conscious decision to make
that gesture. I don't know. I'll sleep on the couch.
I don't care.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
I know you will. You a couch, it's your preferred. Actually,
I feel like you sleep in the bed just to
appease me. You'd rather sleep on the couch.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
That's a bigger TV out front. I could turn it
up as loud as I need to, but I thought,
just for the lesson there, that is not something you do.
You don't have to cuddle if you don't want to.
But the last few of the night, that's a tough one,
and I certainly wouldn't recommend it, and I don't think
anybody recommends you do that. That's let's go to bed
(15:50):
and rest and wake up. And that's like I'm saying,
fuck you one last time.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
It was a choice? Was it? Was it? Passive aggressive?
He has those tendencies to be passive aggressive. That is
a classic passive aggressive move.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Well, we're starting to love We were really falling in
love with Chris here lately.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
But stay with us.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
We got two more things, two more lessons they taught us.
One of them romantic gesture or cheesy gesture? Which is it?
And as they're a fine line. Also, even though you
resolve the conflict, your words still matter.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Welcome back everyone to the Love Island USA edition of
Amy and TJ, where we are talking about relationship lessons
we are learning in each and every episode of Love
Island USA, and these are lessons we can all put
to use in our own relationships. We were debating about
(16:54):
this next one. So Ace and Shelley, they're a couple,
one of the final couples on Love Island, and in
episode thirty three they got chosen to go to the
hide away. We talked about it last episode, about this
big display. It's a strange almost ritual where everyone gets
each other dressed up to go have sex with each other.
(17:15):
It's a strange, strange phenomenon that's now becoming a big
part of the show. But anyway, so they're going off
to the hideaway site together to go have sex, but
before that, they're getting in the hot up and while
she's changing from one very skimpy outfit to another. He
goes and runs on the beach and draws a big
(17:38):
heart with c and a for Shelley and ace with
an arrow through the heart, and he makes a big
deal close your eyes, pulls her up and has her
has it revealed that he's made this sand image, and
then reads her a note that he's written.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Okay, all of this can absolutely be seen as is
there a fine line? I think it might be a
fine line between sweet, romantic and a little cheesy. And
I think it might depend on who you are. Yeah,
and how do you read? How do you know that
(18:17):
the person you I guess if you're with them long enough,
you know. But how do you if you're the recipient
or you are the giver? Right, how do you balance?
Speaker 2 (18:27):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Am I giving this to a person who will receive it,
and then once you receive it, if you're not into it,
how do you handle it?
Speaker 2 (18:34):
Okay? So here, I have really strong thoughts about this
from my relationship experience and don't want to have you
get too big of a head. But I feel like
you deliver gifts and compliments and displays of affection in
such a sincere way, and you want to know how
you do that. You don't jump up it down and
say look what I did, Look what I did, Look
(18:55):
what I'm giving you, Look what I've shown you. Let
me present this to you. You're gonna do something for me.
It just is what it is. You don't make a
big presentation. And I think when for me as a woman,
when I see a man doing that, it's called love bombing,
and it's almost for everyone else. It's for him to
feel good about what he's doing. And it feels less
like a gesture to me and more like a see
(19:17):
how much I love you? And won't you love me now?
Because see how much I'm loving you. It it's if
that makes any sense. So like big displays like I
don't like that, but small quiet When you, for instance,
surprise me with a gift, you don't say, look at
this gift I'm giving you. You just will put it
on the bed and I will walk in and go,
oh my gosh, what's this And it's just sweet and subtle,
(19:40):
and you're not seeking attention for yourself.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
We have we've had, okay, we've had and you've had
different unique experiences here and you know we talk about
lessons here, let that be one as well. To anybody.
Ask yourself why you're making the gesture. Ask yourself, do
you want somebody else to see it or be a
aware of it? Is the audience someone other than your partner? Yeah,
(20:03):
that's very important question. Ask I have. Actually I was
out of town. Your parents were in town. I think
at least one or maybe two of the girls were here.
I didn't send you flowers while I was gone because
I was afraid age your family might think I was
just making a gesture, so you didn't get flowers. That's
so funny because I didn't want anybody.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Else And I do appreciate that, and I will say,
even when it's just your partner, ask yourself, are you
just doing this so that they'll say how great of
a boyfriend you are or how great of a girlfriend
you are? Think about your motivation and be really honest
with yourself. And I think that has been a very
eye opening thing for me, being on the receiving end,
and also in terms of when I give. Sometimes I
(20:44):
do say, hey, bart you a candle, but I'm not.
It's just to show you, Hey, I got this so
you won't miss it, or you're like, where is this?
But it's not like, see what a great girlfriend I am,
see what I'm doing for you. I think when you
really start taking stock of why you do things, you
can understand why sometimes it comes off to the other
person is inauthentic or self motivated.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
So we're not knocking Ace here anything inauthentic, But things
like that come up when when someone reads a poem
to you, somebody writes a poem. I mean, for some people,
they might think that's the most romantic thing in the world.
If you wrote me a poem, I would look you
dead in the eye. I would take it. I would
love you. I say thank you, baby. Then I would
go into the restroom and laugh my ass.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
You would laugh at me. You would laugh now on
your face. Oh I really, I think you would.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
If I could tell your heart was it too, I
wouldn't do like that. But damn no.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
And so I think, if are's here's maybe I'm like
splitting hairs here. But I was thinking, as a girlfriend,
if Ace had just done that in the sand, which
is totally sweet and cute, and then not said anything,
and if she had just looked over and seen it
instead of him presenting it to her with a big
thing with her closing the eyes. Look what I did.
If she had just seen it, that would have been
so much more powerful because you'd be like, oh my god,
(21:51):
did you do that? That's so sweet?
Speaker 1 (21:54):
This might have been perfectly up her alley. I'm saying,
some people who might each his or her own, how
do you? You just got to know your part, because
that's true. You are really taking a shot there. If
you write a poem to somebody who thinks that's cheesy,
because that's a little It's one thing to write a
nice note, leave on the bed, see you later, to
take the time Rose of red, violets of blue. I
(22:15):
want a steak tonight, how about you? I mean, whatever
you're gonna write, that's what I would write to you. Yeah,
I just completely went to that, right, That was funny.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
That's how we But but I do think that there
are there are women and men probably who do appreciate
public displays of affection. They're saying, hey, you are now
shouting to the world that I'm your girl or that
you love me, and that's fine. That's just that's just
not for me.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
We're talking about different things. A display of love to
the world is one thing I am talking about. A
grand gesture where you see a plane fly over the
Hudson while we're sitting out and it says DJ loves
Amy that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Don't do that. That's okay.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
I'm talking about those types of jaf.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
You're right, some people do like that. I do not.
I do not cancel the plane.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Last lesson that they did seeach Us had to do
with once they resolved the issue robes. They had resolution
that came together. Kristen Huda, Okay, they're gonna be okay,
but then he used some language I took issue with.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Yes, so yeah, they were smiling and she was like,
I'm sorry, and she did say she was sorry. At
that point, they did kind of have this moment where
she finally did admit that she had done and done
some things that she wasn't proud of, and he kind
of said, yeah, I would have. I would have left
you if I wasn't gonna be okay with it. I
wouldn't still be here with you, so obviously I've moved on.
(23:31):
But then he kind of said, to the aside, I
know shit ain't gonna change, and I was like, oh, dude, dang,
and even if you think it, just don't say it
out loud.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
She was being apologetic and they were getting past the
she was she was in that moment seemed she seems
since here. But when someone does that, when you get
conflict result where it's okay, and that kind of language
kind of put a damper on the resolution and put
a damper on to use that type of language. That
was very choice language. It says, yes, fine, it's over,
(24:04):
but you aren't gonna do what you need to. It's
pointless to continue this because you aren't gonna. It was
an insult to her.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
It's it's it's hard when someone finally and obviously it
was hard for Huda, and it's hard for everyone. It's
hard for me to say I'm sorry. It's hard to
admit you were wrong. It's hard to admit that you
that you acted badly. So then right when you finally
do that, now you're vulnerable. Right now you're being open
and the person says yeah, but she ain't gonna change that.
(24:35):
That makes you feel deflated and defeated, like wow, and
so that's stuff. But you know what Chris is doing.
Chris is protecting himself. He's saying, I'm gonna do this anyway,
even though I know you aren't gonna change. He's trying
to give himself like a place in his a space
in his head, a space in his heart where he's
doing it even though he thinks she's she might not
be great.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
He's reserving for later expectations that now he can't put
on her. He is now taking this responsibility and saying,
I can't get upset with you about it anymore. And
this is something and you can speak to this to
how that feels right. We all watched him say that
to her. Ain't shit gonna change? I have said this
(25:16):
to you, Yes, you have on an issue that plagued
us for a little bit, I said, and I gave up.
I was like, you know what, finally when I talk
about it, no more, ain't shit gonna change.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Now.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
This is what I want you to honestly tell people.
As an example, here, folks of Hawaii, words matter. Conflict
is over, we are We've ended the fight. And I say,
all good baby, I just know any shit gonna change.
How does it make you feel when I say terrible.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
Awful, deflated, defeated, and fearful that there's also self loathing
involved too, because you know you did something wrong and
then you're like, wow, the person I love doesn't think
that I can do better and be better even though
I want, like so yeah, and even if you think that,
and I'm not ever encourage anyone to not tell the truth,
(26:00):
but maybe there's a better way to say it, like, Hey,
I love you, I accept you. This isn't my favorite
part of you, but I love you anyway. And you
can even say like it hurts when you do it.
I hope you don't do it again, but I'm with
you and I love you because I know you mean well,
and I hope you do change, Like even if you
(26:22):
think maybe it's not gonna happen, but being hopeful goes
a long way.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Of all the options you listed for what could have
been said, ain't shit going. Change would never be on
the list of options I gave him. It will never
be there.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
But you understand where that sentiment comes from and why
why he said it.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Just trying to check myself for late. I don't have
to have conflict with you because I've resolved it by
knowing it's not going to change.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
I don't need to try to change it, and that
actually is a healthy can be a healthy mindset. When
you say I can't change you, I can only change me,
that is true.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
But I'm changing how I react to you doing something
that I hate that you do.
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
So he's still gonna get annoyed by it, but he
has now not giving himself licensed to express himself about it.
So he's just gonna get more and more frustrated.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Yeah, I think you can always express it. Like you said,
it's how you express it. It's your word choice.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Chris is a calm brother. Well he finally goes off,
it's going to be scary as hell, all.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Six eight of him. You know, he has been amazing.
I have to say, like and I have truly appreciated
how he's handled how he's handled it, and even like
the willingness of both of them to be real, to
be authentic. I appreciate people who don't try to pretend
that they're not messy. I used a lot of negatives there,
(27:40):
but basically people who who show and are willing to
be exactly who they are, even when it's difficult.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
So, yes, Chris and Hudo, we appreciate you. We joked
down at the top. They're showing us what not to do,
but they are absolutely showing us things that do work
and can work, and that all of us are experiencing,
I think, at the same time. So we appreciate to them,
and we appreciate you all listening. Will continue with you
all through Sunday and the big finale, but for now,
I'm PJ. Holmes alongside my dear dear Amy Robot. Will
(28:09):
talk to y'll soon.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
Hmmm.
Hey, folks, it is Friday, July eleventh, and Chris and
Hudah continue to do a public service for all of
us who are in relationships by showing us exactly what
not to do. Welcome to this Love Island USA edition
of Amy and TJ, where we go beyond the hot bods,
kissing games and the hideaway suites to identify the real
(00:24):
relationship lessons sprinkle throughout the hit show robes. I don't
want to be too hard on them because as soon
as they show us what not to do, they have
come back and there are some lessons from them on
how to do things properly in a relationship.
Speaker 2 (00:36):
I actually appreciate how real they're being. I think, you know,
a lot of complaints have been about reality shows and
even Love Island that folks are media trained and they're
performing in front of the camera. I have to say,
with these two, it feels really authentic because what we're
seeing in their conflict actually really replicates life and so
(00:57):
many relationships all of us are in. So I actually
appreciate them significantly. They are providing most of our conversation today.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Yeah, at this point, they're the only ones seemed to
be in a real conflict or figuring things out. At
least the past couple episodes. Everybody else is kind of
booed up. What the age just ass Home Girl to
be is? What do they call it?
Speaker 2 (01:18):
It's exclusive?
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Exclusive?
Speaker 2 (01:20):
Yeah, yes, it's they're exclusive.
Speaker 1 (01:23):
Everybody else seems to have figured some of their stuff out.
These two are still struggled.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Well. I think everyone else might be in that heady,
exciting where you're just like the other person can do
no wrong, and you're in that like love glow bubble.
It depends on the couple, but I think these folks
have been together for a few weeks. Yeah, it should
last a few weeks.
Speaker 1 (01:44):
Yeah, they should all be good.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
I think it's interesting that Chris and Hooter are dealing
with things that usually doesn't come until about six months
down the road. So we give.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Yes, we've been focused on them a little bit. We're
going to focus on them some more today. But again,
if we want to remind you, we are not here
to take sides. We are really watching this show, not
as a we're rooting for Chris or rooting for who
to rooting for anybody. It's just we watch these shows
and row. We talked about it here but you're the
one got me on into where I got so into
them because I see real relationship conversations happening that I
(02:12):
want to pause the show and have some of those
conversations with you. So this has been cool with a.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Watch, it has been and I think that if anything,
if this sparks a conversation between you and your partner,
and it should and it should And a lot of
these are uncomfortable topics that people don't want to talk about.
They avoid because they don't want to get in a fight.
But if you can actually have a conversation about someone
else's issue, and sure, yeah, of course it resonates.
Speaker 1 (02:37):
You said as well. When you can step back and
see somebody else doing it, you recognize the behavior. Well,
we can look back and go, damn, why did he
do that? And you recognize he shouldn't have done that,
and then I think to myself, damn I did that.
It's so you can sit back and you see examples
of your own bad behavior or missteps and.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
It makes you think, and you know what, that is
the way to look at it, because the worst way
you could pass we look at it is see something
and go see you do that? That's not what we're suggesting,
you know, like when you're when I'm watching it, I'm
looking to see behaviors that I do. That I have
to admit that is so important. But don't look at
the behaviors and say that's exactly what my boyfriend does,
that's exactly what because that's only gonna make things worse.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Yeah, I'm gonna try that now, you know we have Naturally,
that's not something we've done. I have not watched and
looked at you that see what she did. That's what
I'm talking about. That actually hasn't happened. So I don't
think naturally people, if you do that, you got we
got a bigger problem.
Speaker 2 (03:30):
No, and that is you know what, that's cool, And
we didn't. That wasn't deliberate, that wasn't restraint. I really
was looking at it for trying to better myself.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
So last episode officially was episode thirty three, last Night
of Love Island USA. They just have a few more episodes.
We got one tonight, one tomorrow, and then the finale
is Sunday, of course, but these were the relationship scenarios
we picked up on that we want to make sure
you are addressing, possibly in your own relationship. One the
(04:01):
idea of walking off from someone during an intense conversation.
Two gaslighting your partner. That's a big deal and we
saw it on display in the show. Three physically rejecting
someone at bedtime. This is the idea of kind of
going to bed angry. But we saw something in the show.
I was like, oh, brother, come on, don't do that.
And then number four issue what do you think about
(04:23):
romantic sweet or even borderline cheesy gestures between partners? And
then finally word choice in resolution still matters. Yes, the
fight's over, but still you don't have to use those words. Brother.
We will get into that. The first robes, it was
how many times did I rewind the episode at the beginning?
This was early on Hood and Chris having a conversation
(04:45):
and she said something to him. I went back, I
turned it up. Did she really just said that? And
this was something you talk about all the time. She
immediately defended herself, and for me, that was the gaslighting issue.
But this all started with her walking away from someone
during an intense conversation.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Right, so when things get uncomfortable, and things certainly got
uncomfortable between Huda and Chris, Whoda just got up and
walked off. And look, I understand that that has absolutely
been a mode of operation I have employed. And I
think we've talked about this before on a podcast where
you said at one point, if you walk out that door,
(05:24):
do not come back, like you will not be coming back.
And I thought about it. I had my hand on
the door handle, and I thought, I think he's being serious,
and that's actually a fair point. I shouldn't walk off,
even though I'm angry right now, and so I didn't.
And I think what I have done, not in even
complex with you, but complex with even my daughters, I
(05:46):
have had to say and I think it's okay to
walk off if you know your emotions are out of control,
and that's okay. That happens sometimes people you know you've
got a trigger, you've got something you're trying to work through,
and someone says the exact worst thing they could say
to you, and just steam comes out of your ears. Right,
So what do you do? So I have found that
what I've tried to do is to say, hey, I
(06:07):
feel really emotionally volatile right now, and I don't like
where I am. I'm going to take ten minutes to
calm down, and then I would I want to come
back and continue this conversation. But when I'm in a
better frame of mind, you can do that. That's how
you walk away, and you said I'll come back.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
How hard is that so hard? You did it last year? Yes, right,
and that's not and you took a moment you did
it and you recognized but this wasn't between me and you,
by the way, I mentioned that, but you did so,
but it is that is not your moo historically in
your life. So you're explaining what to do. It's so simple,
(06:42):
but it is.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Hard when you are angry. Yes, in the moment. What
the first thing you have to do is recognize, I
am so out of control right now. My emotions are
out of control, and I shouldn't actually speak. I shouldn't
say what's pulling up inside of me? You know? You
the other It wasn't even there was no argument, but
I had said something and I knew that you kind
(07:05):
of got quiet and you had to leave to go
do something. But you texted me later, I don't know
if you remember this, and you said, hey, I just
want to explain. I left a little quietly today, but
you said something and I'm not saying you said anything wrong,
but it set me off in a way, and I
knew I wasn't in a good place, so I needed
some time and I just wanted to explain to you
how I was feeling. And I thought that was so
cool because I had it. I was like, something's off,
(07:27):
but I don't know quite what it was, and You're like,
I don't even need to tell you what it was
that you said. I just had to get myself right.
And I thought that was such a cool way to
handle it.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
And I I think I've apologized for it, but I've
done it before, I've walked away from it and this
is not certainly my mo. But I didn't discuss it
with you. This was actually in a restaurant and I
we were sitting at the bar. I said, babe, I
need a minute, and I stood up and I walked.
I wasn't angry, I didn't yell it, did nothing else,
said babe, I need a minute, and I walked out
the door of the restaurant. I don't know how long
(07:57):
I was gone, but came back. But I don't think ever, ever, ever,
it could be the right thing to do a good
call to make to at the heat of battle, when
you're at the height of emotion, to tell somebody I'm
done with you. I'm finished with you, like you just said,
you don't have the privilege of talking to me anymore.
It's insulting, it's disrespectful. It shouldn't be done. We make
(08:17):
those mistakes, but they showed us, Yeah, at least an
exact and we saw how he felt about it. He
actually felt crazy. Chris. At one point when she walked off,
he was had his hand in his like in his eyes,
and he said, what am I doing?
Speaker 2 (08:31):
I'm crazy? Am I tripping? I'm tripping something? U. Yeah,
you start questioning your own feelings. But I think as
long as you take accountability that you're the one who
feels out of control, you're not blaming the other person.
You're not saying you just made me walk out or you.
You actually take accountability for your out of control emotions
in a calm way. Very hard to do.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
So that was a lesson they taught us. Do not
you should not walk off like this. But less than
two comes from this as well, this scenario in which
and I didn't know this rope, but there's a whole
conversation online about Huda and how she walks off. She
walks off with you won't complete a conversation. That's very immature,
and people have their feelings about people on the show,
(09:12):
and that's fine. We saw her in the previous episode
thirty two walk off from him during a conversation. Wasn't loud,
wasn't that he did, didn't explode, but still she got
up and walked off while they were in the conversation
this episode last night, very early in the episode, she
says to him, I didn't walk off. The conversation ended
(09:36):
and I walked away. And when I heard that, I
started rewinding and rerun. Did she really say that?
Speaker 2 (09:41):
Yeah, she did say that, And then we rewound and
rewound and saw that she did walk off. My thought
is what happens is you when you're emotionally charged like that,
and I'm not defending her, you remember things differently. You
remember feeling justified. You remember saying, well, he stopped talking
and so I just left, And you're not acknowledging that
you actually so angry you left as a form of
(10:01):
punishment to say, like, f you, I'm not talking to
you anymore. You didn't say it but when you got
up and left, you know you were feeling that, but
you don't want to admit that, and you think, well,
he stopped talking, so I just left. So you're defending
yourself and you're trying to you're trying to make fact
what you felt when it actually was in fact. And
I think that I think our emotions cloud our memory
(10:24):
to make ourselves feel better about what we did. I'm
going to give her that benefit of the doubt. Was
it manipulative in the sense that she was deliberately gaslighting him? Maybe,
but maybe she actually just truly remembered it differently because
she wanted it.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
To be that way, And for the person on the
receiving end of that, it's nothing but gaslighting. Correct, because
I'm not sitting on the other side listening to you
tell me that what I saw and what we all
experienced was wrong. Right, So if you were emotional, and
that's fine, if you want to tell me you got
emotional foggy brain or something, but you cannot tell me
that I didn't experience what I experienced just because you
(10:59):
were experiencing something internally that nobody else said effort.
Speaker 2 (11:04):
That's so true, and the video doesn't lie. It doesn't.
Speaker 1 (11:07):
So when she said that to him, I took it
as she was. And again this isn't a matter of
breaking down the episodes and the context there, but for
the situation I was reading, she was just defending herself,
like she knew she did something bad. Maybe the cameras
played into it. Oh my goodness, that didn't look good.
Let me go over here and try to make it
look better, make myself look better on TV for the country.
(11:29):
She first thing she did when she sat down, she
said that I didn't I first of all, I didn't
walk off. I ended the conversation and left. Okay, it
was even a quick little aside. I didn't give him
a chance to respond. So we people do that. We've
seen people do that, but when you do that to someone,
and I have been on the receiving end of this
too often, where I am told that what I experienced
(11:53):
didn't happen, and these are.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Just and you look back at that and when you
see it happen to another couple, you're like, Okay. What
she could have said was I'm so sorry that I
walked away and you felt abandoned. But here's what I
was feeling, and in my mind. I thought the conversation
was over. But you're right. I hear what you're saying,
and that probably came off really rude and really disrespectful
and really dismissive. So that would be an okay way
(12:15):
to explain it.
Speaker 1 (12:16):
I wouldn't even go as far as saying, you have
to apologize, but just don't tell me that what happened
did not happened. Just to make yourself look better or
feel better. Is where guest lighting usually comes from.
Speaker 2 (12:28):
Different exactly, and that drives me.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
But that's true, Sandwich. Now Chris and Huda will stay
with him again after all this and all this anger. Well, wow,
we all got to go to bed tonight.
Speaker 2 (12:38):
They have to sleep in the same bed. They can't
sleep Oh yeah, you're right, they can't sleep outside when
they get that angry.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
That would have been that might have been better in
this situation. But Chris, they still sleep in the bed together.
But she walks in after getting herself ready in robes.
He's laying there and turned with his back to where
she's gonna lay down already with his eyes closed.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
I like, oh, whether he was sleeping or not, he
had his back to heard that That is a physical
f you.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
But isn't that classic the idea of going to bed angry?
What do you do?
Speaker 2 (13:12):
Get as far away on the opposite side of the
bed as you can with your back to your partner.
Speaker 1 (13:17):
We've heard different opinion. We've talked to therapists about this.
We have folks on the show talking about relationships. It
seems they're two different transit thought here. Yeah, some will plan.
I'll tell you, yeah, it's okay to go to We're
not going to resolve this tonight. We're gonna stay up
all night, just be mad, be exhausted. No, let's give
some rest, clear of thoughts in the morning. Other people
(13:38):
say the opposite. I feel like therapists say one thing
and then couples say another.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Right, for some reason, I think that, Yes, I think
therapists tell you not to go to bed angry. And
perhaps what I've heard and this, I don't know, if
you're really mad at somebody, this is really hard to do.
But even if you're mad at someone, there have been
people who say hold hands during fights. That's hilarious to
Meuse when we're really mad at each other, the thought
of doing that is so count anything. Yes, hold hands,
(14:05):
I believe that was what and married at first sight.
That is what Dr Pepper uh and they suggested when
you are fighting with someone to hold their hand let.
So basically the idea is because I think that when
you get into a fight, you're upset, you're afraid, right,
you're afraid that the other person's done with you, or
it's over, or all of these fears of an ending come.
(14:27):
If someone's physically touching you and saying, we're going to
get through this, but we have a lot of issues
to deal with. Those are all things easy to say
when you have a calm or clearer head when you're angry,
that is that seems almost impossible. But they do say,
like I don't want to use the word cuddling with
some sort of physical touch even if you're angry at
each other. We've talked about this, even if we're not
in a great place, I will reach and hold your hand,
(14:48):
and it just there's just a there's a calm, there's
just a okay, like this isn't we're not in a
good place, but we're still together and we're going to
try to figure this out.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
Like the footing, it works for me. We do angry
if your barefoot touches my barefoot and okay.
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Okay, so yes, just a little gesture like that. But
when you're I don't know that I've come in your
backs completely turned. I don't have we done that to
each other.
Speaker 1 (15:14):
I don't ever remember making a conscious decision to make
that gesture. I don't know. I'll sleep on the couch.
I don't care.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
I know you will. You a couch, it's your preferred. Actually,
I feel like you sleep in the bed just to
appease me. You'd rather sleep on the couch.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
That's a bigger TV out front. I could turn it
up as loud as I need to, but I thought,
just for the lesson there, that is not something you do.
You don't have to cuddle if you don't want to.
But the last few of the night, that's a tough one,
and I certainly wouldn't recommend it, and I don't think
anybody recommends you do that. That's let's go to bed
(15:50):
and rest and wake up. And that's like I'm saying,
fuck you one last time.
Speaker 2 (15:54):
It was a choice? Was it? Was it? Passive aggressive?
He has those tendencies to be passive aggressive. That is
a classic passive aggressive move.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
Well, we're starting to love We were really falling in
love with Chris here lately.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
But stay with us.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
We got two more things, two more lessons they taught us.
One of them romantic gesture or cheesy gesture? Which is it?
And as they're a fine line. Also, even though you
resolve the conflict, your words still matter.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
Welcome back everyone to the Love Island USA edition of
Amy and TJ, where we are talking about relationship lessons
we are learning in each and every episode of Love
Island USA, and these are lessons we can all put
to use in our own relationships. We were debating about
(16:54):
this next one. So Ace and Shelley, they're a couple,
one of the final couples on Love Island, and in
episode thirty three they got chosen to go to the
hide away. We talked about it last episode, about this
big display. It's a strange almost ritual where everyone gets
each other dressed up to go have sex with each other.
(17:15):
It's a strange, strange phenomenon that's now becoming a big
part of the show. But anyway, so they're going off
to the hideaway site together to go have sex, but
before that, they're getting in the hot up and while
she's changing from one very skimpy outfit to another. He
goes and runs on the beach and draws a big
(17:38):
heart with c and a for Shelley and ace with
an arrow through the heart, and he makes a big
deal close your eyes, pulls her up and has her
has it revealed that he's made this sand image, and
then reads her a note that he's written.
Speaker 1 (17:56):
Okay, all of this can absolutely be seen as is
there a fine line? I think it might be a
fine line between sweet, romantic and a little cheesy. And
I think it might depend on who you are. Yeah,
and how do you read? How do you know that
(18:17):
the person you I guess if you're with them long enough,
you know. But how do you if you're the recipient
or you are the giver? Right, how do you balance?
Speaker 2 (18:27):
Okay?
Speaker 1 (18:27):
Am I giving this to a person who will receive it,
and then once you receive it, if you're not into it,
how do you handle it?
Speaker 2 (18:34):
Okay? So here, I have really strong thoughts about this
from my relationship experience and don't want to have you
get too big of a head. But I feel like
you deliver gifts and compliments and displays of affection in
such a sincere way, and you want to know how
you do that. You don't jump up it down and
say look what I did, Look what I did, Look
(18:55):
what I'm giving you, Look what I've shown you. Let
me present this to you. You're gonna do something for me.
It just is what it is. You don't make a
big presentation. And I think when for me as a woman,
when I see a man doing that, it's called love bombing,
and it's almost for everyone else. It's for him to
feel good about what he's doing. And it feels less
like a gesture to me and more like a see
(19:17):
how much I love you? And won't you love me now?
Because see how much I'm loving you. It it's if
that makes any sense. So like big displays like I
don't like that, but small quiet When you, for instance,
surprise me with a gift, you don't say, look at
this gift I'm giving you. You just will put it
on the bed and I will walk in and go,
oh my gosh, what's this And it's just sweet and subtle,
(19:40):
and you're not seeking attention for yourself.
Speaker 1 (19:42):
We have we've had, okay, we've had and you've had
different unique experiences here and you know we talk about
lessons here, let that be one as well. To anybody.
Ask yourself why you're making the gesture. Ask yourself, do
you want somebody else to see it or be a
aware of it? Is the audience someone other than your partner? Yeah,
(20:03):
that's very important question. Ask I have. Actually I was
out of town. Your parents were in town. I think
at least one or maybe two of the girls were here.
I didn't send you flowers while I was gone because
I was afraid age your family might think I was
just making a gesture, so you didn't get flowers. That's
so funny because I didn't want anybody.
Speaker 2 (20:24):
Else And I do appreciate that, and I will say,
even when it's just your partner, ask yourself, are you
just doing this so that they'll say how great of
a boyfriend you are or how great of a girlfriend
you are? Think about your motivation and be really honest
with yourself. And I think that has been a very
eye opening thing for me, being on the receiving end,
and also in terms of when I give. Sometimes I
(20:44):
do say, hey, bart you a candle, but I'm not.
It's just to show you, Hey, I got this so
you won't miss it, or you're like, where is this?
But it's not like, see what a great girlfriend I am,
see what I'm doing for you. I think when you
really start taking stock of why you do things, you
can understand why sometimes it comes off to the other
person is inauthentic or self motivated.
Speaker 1 (21:02):
So we're not knocking Ace here anything inauthentic, But things
like that come up when when someone reads a poem
to you, somebody writes a poem. I mean, for some people,
they might think that's the most romantic thing in the world.
If you wrote me a poem, I would look you
dead in the eye. I would take it. I would
love you. I say thank you, baby. Then I would
go into the restroom and laugh my ass.
Speaker 2 (21:22):
You would laugh at me. You would laugh now on
your face. Oh I really, I think you would.
Speaker 1 (21:26):
If I could tell your heart was it too, I
wouldn't do like that. But damn no.
Speaker 2 (21:30):
And so I think, if are's here's maybe I'm like
splitting hairs here. But I was thinking, as a girlfriend,
if Ace had just done that in the sand, which
is totally sweet and cute, and then not said anything,
and if she had just looked over and seen it
instead of him presenting it to her with a big
thing with her closing the eyes. Look what I did.
If she had just seen it, that would have been
so much more powerful because you'd be like, oh my god,
(21:51):
did you do that? That's so sweet?
Speaker 1 (21:54):
This might have been perfectly up her alley. I'm saying,
some people who might each his or her own, how
do you? You just got to know your part, because
that's true. You are really taking a shot there. If
you write a poem to somebody who thinks that's cheesy,
because that's a little It's one thing to write a
nice note, leave on the bed, see you later, to
take the time Rose of red, violets of blue. I
(22:15):
want a steak tonight, how about you? I mean, whatever
you're gonna write, that's what I would write to you. Yeah,
I just completely went to that, right, That was funny.
Speaker 2 (22:23):
That's how we But but I do think that there
are there are women and men probably who do appreciate
public displays of affection. They're saying, hey, you are now
shouting to the world that I'm your girl or that
you love me, and that's fine. That's just that's just
not for me.
Speaker 1 (22:35):
We're talking about different things. A display of love to
the world is one thing I am talking about. A
grand gesture where you see a plane fly over the
Hudson while we're sitting out and it says DJ loves
Amy that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Don't do that. That's okay.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
I'm talking about those types of jaf.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
You're right, some people do like that. I do not.
I do not cancel the plane.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Last lesson that they did seeach Us had to do
with once they resolved the issue robes. They had resolution
that came together. Kristen Huda, Okay, they're gonna be okay,
but then he used some language I took issue with.
Speaker 2 (23:09):
Yes, so yeah, they were smiling and she was like,
I'm sorry, and she did say she was sorry. At
that point, they did kind of have this moment where
she finally did admit that she had done and done
some things that she wasn't proud of, and he kind
of said, yeah, I would have. I would have left
you if I wasn't gonna be okay with it. I
wouldn't still be here with you, so obviously I've moved on.
(23:31):
But then he kind of said, to the aside, I
know shit ain't gonna change, and I was like, oh, dude, dang,
and even if you think it, just don't say it
out loud.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
She was being apologetic and they were getting past the
she was she was in that moment seemed she seems
since here. But when someone does that, when you get
conflict result where it's okay, and that kind of language
kind of put a damper on the resolution and put
a damper on to use that type of language. That
was very choice language. It says, yes, fine, it's over,
(24:04):
but you aren't gonna do what you need to. It's
pointless to continue this because you aren't gonna. It was
an insult to her.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
It's it's it's hard when someone finally and obviously it
was hard for Huda, and it's hard for everyone. It's
hard for me to say I'm sorry. It's hard to
admit you were wrong. It's hard to admit that you
that you acted badly. So then right when you finally
do that, now you're vulnerable. Right now you're being open
and the person says yeah, but she ain't gonna change that.
(24:35):
That makes you feel deflated and defeated, like wow, and
so that's stuff. But you know what Chris is doing.
Chris is protecting himself. He's saying, I'm gonna do this anyway,
even though I know you aren't gonna change. He's trying
to give himself like a place in his a space
in his head, a space in his heart where he's
doing it even though he thinks she's she might not
be great.
Speaker 1 (24:55):
He's reserving for later expectations that now he can't put
on her. He is now taking this responsibility and saying,
I can't get upset with you about it anymore. And
this is something and you can speak to this to
how that feels right. We all watched him say that
to her. Ain't shit gonna change? I have said this
(25:16):
to you, Yes, you have on an issue that plagued
us for a little bit, I said, and I gave up.
I was like, you know what, finally when I talk
about it, no more, ain't shit gonna change.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
Now.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
This is what I want you to honestly tell people.
As an example, here, folks of Hawaii, words matter. Conflict
is over, we are We've ended the fight. And I say,
all good baby, I just know any shit gonna change.
How does it make you feel when I say terrible.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
Awful, deflated, defeated, and fearful that there's also self loathing
involved too, because you know you did something wrong and
then you're like, wow, the person I love doesn't think
that I can do better and be better even though
I want, like so yeah, and even if you think that,
and I'm not ever encourage anyone to not tell the truth,
(26:00):
but maybe there's a better way to say it, like, Hey,
I love you, I accept you. This isn't my favorite
part of you, but I love you anyway. And you
can even say like it hurts when you do it.
I hope you don't do it again, but I'm with
you and I love you because I know you mean well,
and I hope you do change, Like even if you
(26:22):
think maybe it's not gonna happen, but being hopeful goes
a long way.
Speaker 1 (26:26):
Of all the options you listed for what could have
been said, ain't shit going. Change would never be on
the list of options I gave him. It will never
be there.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
But you understand where that sentiment comes from and why
why he said it.
Speaker 1 (26:41):
Just trying to check myself for late. I don't have
to have conflict with you because I've resolved it by
knowing it's not going to change.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
I don't need to try to change it, and that
actually is a healthy can be a healthy mindset. When
you say I can't change you, I can only change me,
that is true.
Speaker 1 (26:57):
But I'm changing how I react to you doing something
that I hate that you do.
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
So he's still gonna get annoyed by it, but he
has now not giving himself licensed to express himself about it.
So he's just gonna get more and more frustrated.
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Yeah, I think you can always express it. Like you said,
it's how you express it. It's your word choice.
Speaker 1 (27:14):
Chris is a calm brother. Well he finally goes off,
it's going to be scary as hell, all.
Speaker 2 (27:19):
Six eight of him. You know, he has been amazing.
I have to say, like and I have truly appreciated
how he's handled how he's handled it, and even like
the willingness of both of them to be real, to
be authentic. I appreciate people who don't try to pretend
that they're not messy. I used a lot of negatives there,
(27:40):
but basically people who who show and are willing to
be exactly who they are, even when it's difficult.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
So, yes, Chris and Hudo, we appreciate you. We joked
down at the top. They're showing us what not to do,
but they are absolutely showing us things that do work
and can work, and that all of us are experiencing,
I think, at the same time. So we appreciate to them,
and we appreciate you all listening. Will continue with you
all through Sunday and the big finale, but for now,
I'm PJ. Holmes alongside my dear dear Amy Robot. Will
(28:09):
talk to y'll soon.
Speaker 2 (28:11):
Hmmm.
Hosts And Creators
Lauren Zima
Chris Harrison
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