November 11, 2024 • 37 mins
First dates are often filled with awkward moments and conversations and a lot of do’s and don’ts. Chris asks Lauren to rank their first date while they discuss what they each would have done differently and share what they have learned to hopefully help others.
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast.
Chris Harrison and Lauren Zema coming to you from the
home office in Austin, Texas. Hope everybody's having a great week.
Elsie and I were discussing the other day first dates.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Yes, I think we had talked about our first anniversary,
and then that brings up your first date. And you know,
first dates are a big thing, Like before you're married,
what do you celebrate. You celebrate the anniversary of probably
your first date. Right. It's something that if you end
up in a long relationship with someone, I think that
first date is often burned in your brain, hopefully in
a good way.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
But we've also had discussions because a friend's family that
go on these first dates, and what God is talking
about it in general is the yes, that first date's important,
but also, and you talk about this all the time,
it can't mean everything. You can't put so much weight
(01:01):
on the first date that it determines your entire life together.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
People who pass by someone because of the first date.
I agree. So we wanted to get into navigating a
first date, and I think that's a great place to
begin about that beginner date. I think the first date
cannot mean everything. It's great if it goes well. But
(01:27):
what I usually advise people is a first date's kind
of like a job interview. I think you know you're
hoping to get to the next round. You're hoping was
this good enough? I'll to get to the next round
of interviews. And I think that everybody's nervous. So you
have to give people a little bit of grace with that,
and maybe if someone says something that's not quite perfect,
(01:48):
or maybe if you're not totally sure about this part
of their personality, give them a little slack on that.
That's my opinion. But am I being too lenient? What
do you think? No?
Speaker 1 (01:57):
I was going to put it into sports terms because
you love that, which I did a lot on our
first date.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
You didn't.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
I I got lucky on that. But no, it's like
the beginning of a season, right, You've been to training
camp and all that stuff. The first game you play
is not the best. You don't come out game one
of a season and we are the best we're ever
going to be. You improve, you get better, you grow
as a team, you learn each other's idiosyncrasies, and so
(02:28):
the point being first dates are a difficult ground to cover,
and by the way, it plays into some people's strengths.
You and I are good talkers, we're pretty good communicators.
But I would say, and I'm going to ask you,
scale of one to ten, rate our first date.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Whoa I would have given you? If I called my
friends the next day, I would have said eight out
of ten.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Okay, that's higher than I thought. I thought I was
going to get a seven.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
No, why why did you think that seven?
Speaker 1 (03:03):
By the way, seven is great. I had c's c's
get degrees.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Let me let me be arrogant about myself right now.
I would have said, overall date eight out of ten,
my performance on date ten out of ten.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Your performance, No, No, honestly you this is this is
why you get an as you get a nine out
of ten because because then so you.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Said, yes, professor, Yes.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
One of my drawbacks on our first date was that
I quote unquote talked too much.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
That's why I gave you the eight out of ten.
I thought that you talked a lot.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Yes, but I would say you get a nine out
of ten because you never stopped asking questions.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
So I asked him any questions, so you didn't leave.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Any air in the room. And you You can do
this at times when we get around people and you
feel like because you feel the pressure of carrying a
moment in a situation.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
I totally do. I wherever we are, always I feel
the overall burden of how is this night going for everybody?
I don't know what that is in me. It's an
inner thing I have where I want everyone to be
having fun. I want the party to be going well,
even if it's not my party or dinner or anything.
I feel the social pressure of the tone of the events.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Okay, but you just made a great point for a
first date Mulligan, which is a gimme, which is okay
if I had just stopped on date one and said, wow,
she really asked a lot of questions and she kind
of kept talking and she never really gave me. And
now the reason why you do that is something I
find very endearing. You care so much about everybody's time.
(04:35):
You want everyone to have the best time all the time.
So you are the as Larry David would say, you're
the ultimate middle. You want Lauren Zim at the middle
of the table because she is going to be the vibe. Now,
I wouldn't have known that on date one. It was
just something I noticed.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
So, if you're putting yourself truly in that moment, what
would you have given me? And Okay, you feel like
I asked a lot of questions, Well, you asked a
lot of questions, but were very loving, caring given yourself.
I would have given myself. I would say seven seven
and a half. I don't know, I don't I'm I'm
(05:11):
not as good as you in those moments like first
dates are.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Here's here's why. If I go back to that moment,
I think there's a little trepidation. I was still nervous dating.
You were nervous in public because you know, host of
The Bachelor and he's hosting a dating show, and so
I was careful about where we went because I didn't
want all the prying eyes and anyone taking pictures of
ow he's on the dating scene. So I was like, Okay,
(05:37):
if I take this beautiful woman out, but we go
to a very public place where a lot of people
in the in the industry are going, They're like, oh,
he's with this reporter from entertainment tonight. Who cares?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
That's not crazy. It just ran into hot dating tip
is make it look like it's not a date.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
In my situations, because I also didn't want that onus
on you, but that's why.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
But look what we're both analyzing each other for the
asking too many questions or the talking too much. I
do think that leads to something that I think is
a critical point, a critical must do on a first date.
You better ask some questions and it needs that's the thing.
It needs to go both ways. That is always And
maybe I did too much, but that is a major
(06:21):
read for me on a first date, in a first
hang out with someone, did they ask me any questions
at all about myself? If not, I'm like, well, what
are we doing here? Obviously you don't really care about
getting to know me, so why would we.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Move forward and then go further and actually listen to
the answers m hm and follow up? Because oftentimes, and guys,
I'm going to put you out there oftentimes what guys
will do as well. I'm proud of myself. I asked
a question and as soon as Lauren says something about Missouri,
I'm like, oh, I went to Missouri and I did
(06:55):
this and I and you immediately tell a story about
yourself and that's a OK. But maybe just hold a
finger up or like clench your fist to remember that
you want to tell that story, but follow up with well,
what was it like at miszoo or you know, follow
up and ask her a other in depth question. Don't
immediately go back to a story about yourself.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
I think you're so right. A lot of people make
the mistake of sharing about themselves and thinking that that
is relatable and that that's connective to another person. But
it's not. And you should, I mean, we should all
be vulnerable and share. But you're so right. Ask a
follow up question, then share your story. That's a kind
of a good basic rule. Ask question, ask, follow up,
(07:37):
share story.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Even if you said, you know, if you would let
me know that you lost your dad on our first date,
which you didn't, but if you did, instead of saying, oh,
I lost my dad too, and just say, you can
mention oh I lost my dad did.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
What was that like for you?
Speaker 1 (07:51):
What was it like for you or how did you
deal with that or how did you work with your
siblings or whatever it is, But just think about your
story and just kind of put that to the side.
You can come back to it.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
I like our new rule, last question, ask follow up,
share story.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Yeah, it's a very tough thing, and I think men
do it more than women. And I think the reasons
diving into a story about themselves just because they're typically
you don't think so.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I don't know if I've noticed that. To be honest,
I think it's more of a personality trait versus a
gender thing. Like some people are just like that, And
I actually think a lot of the time it comes
from people being insecure and not knowing how to socially
navigate or and it's like, doesn't necessarily mean that they're
self involved. It's just something they need to work on
(08:37):
and readjust so that's why we're talking about it here now.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Rule one. For sure, get excited, be happy about it,
but don't put so much weight on this date that
it has to mean everything.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Well, look, we say first impressions are everything. That's a
phrase we all say, right, But I think that that
phrase is coming from a place of take a first impression. Seriously,
that's really what that phrase is trying to convey. I
don't think first impressions should be everything. I think everybody
should get a second chance, you know, I mean, I've
had some people who have made some disastrous first impressions
(09:09):
on me. You know, met someone at a party and
they were wasted. I'm not going to hold that against them.
I'll meet them again. And you know, everybody deserves a
second shot.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
I mean, honestly, if I didn't get a second shot,
I wouldn't have been the host of the Bachelor for
twenty years. I had a horrible first date. I had
a terrible first impression.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
What your first audition.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
I didn't audition, I just had an interview and I
went in and it was like a first date, right,
You're sitting down with the creator of the show and executives,
and it was a disaster. I was horrible. I was
terrible in the room. They were terrible in the room.
We hated each other. But I came back and I
was more myself, and we obviously had a pretty good
marriage for twenty years.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
But by the way, why do you think you got
a second shot?
Speaker 1 (09:48):
They had heard somebody had heard and I you know, look,
they all took credit for it later of whose idea
this was. But they went out to somebody else and
actually were in negotiations with somebody else, and then they
called me and said they want to meet with you again.
I said, why it was such a disaster. Our first
date was a mess that it was, I mean, oil
and water just didn't mix. And I went back in
(10:11):
for the second interview and they said, look, you are
terrible in our first interview, but we hear you're a
good guy. Let's do this again. And they all, you know,
through the years, took credit for I was the one
that stood up for you because I heard and knew it.
But I'll never get to the bottom of what really happened.
But I did get that second first date. And I
think the maybe the better line is you know how
(10:34):
you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
That's true, but that first impression doesn't have to mean everything,
and so I think, maybe, look, you're always going to
have that first impression. I left that first impression on
everybody when I went in for that interview. I left
that first impression on you. But if you had said, god,
he just I don't know, man, he talked too much.
(10:54):
I'm never going to see him again. What a horrible
like miss that would have been.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Totally and here's the indicator, right, if you wanted to
play a numbers game with it. Since we're ranking, I
would say, if you have about a I would even
go as low as a seven out of ten for
the date. Give someone a second chance another date six
and below. I don't know. I mean, I'm not sitting
here telling everybody. If you go on a first date
and you agree on nothing and you have completely different
(11:23):
views of the world and you're not from the same
place and you didn't connect, of course you shouldn't give
that person a second chance. But if it was just
one or two things, you know, like truly with us,
I thought, gosh, we have a lot in common, and
I think he's really smart, and I think he's really
polite and gentlemanly and kind. He talked a little too much,
But in my head, I went, well, maybe he was nervous.
(11:44):
You know, approach it like a human ask yourself. First
dates are nerve wracking. Was this person nervous? Maybe he
was tired, maybe at a crazy busy day. You know,
you've got to like have a human factor when you're
considering would I take go on that second date?
Speaker 1 (12:00):
And what is the worst thing that happens again? If
they were offensive, like, don't put yourself out there to
have another horrible, offensive experience. But what's the worst thing
if you thought, ah, there's potential there, maybe so have
a second date, and then you can say Nope, I
was wrong, or wow, that really opened my eyes to
something that could be pretty beautiful. By our second date,
(12:23):
we were often running. I think totally we are. The
first date was not awkward at all. It wasn't bad
at all. Again, I you know, sees get degrees, sees
get dates, sees got me the sea, got me a
second get a second date, see get dates. But I
think I agree. If if you are going to rank
a date, and maybe that's a good formula, go home,
(12:45):
and it's what you would tell your dearest friend, your mom, whatever,
your sister. And if you said, all right, babe, rank this,
and if you say seven, seven and a half eight,
but this give to give it another chance. And what's
the worst thing that happens is you have a second
dinner and you don't or to dessert, You go home
and you don't talk to him again.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
So I think we need to dive into importantly how
to do a first date, though, or we're telling people
a lot how to judge whether to have a second date.
I think there are some key factors in how to
approach a first date. Well one, be excited, show up excited.
You know nobody wants to feel like you don't want
to be there. Be excited even if you're not sure,
even if you're questioning it. Otherwise, why are you wasting
(13:39):
everyone's time? Go in with energy and being open.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Two And by the way, can I just hit one
point on that that goes to literally getting out of
the car. The moment you get out of a car,
your body language, your look, the smile on your face.
If you walk in past the hostess, Stan and I'm
sitting at the bar, your shoulders are slumped and you've
got this look on your face and you're kind of
(14:04):
looking around. Walk in and guys, this goes for you too.
Walk in, shoulders up back, looking strong, looking confident, looking happy,
looking excited that you're in this moment. That body language
goes a long way the moment you walk in a room.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
Have you had some bad body language on first dates?
It sounds like you have. What happened to you?
Speaker 1 (14:23):
I mean, I think of I don't know why the
pig pin, you know of the Peanuts character I've just
kind of had his shoulders down. There's this dirty were dirty.
But yeah, that's it's an exaggeration. But yeah, I've had
people where I've been sitting at a bar.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Number too.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
No, I've had people where I'm sitting at a bar
and I look up and I think, this is the
person who I'm going on a date with. I went
on a couple of blind dates where I didn't know
the person, and I see this person walk by the
hostess and they kind of I don't see them have
a good exchange with the hostess, right, they don't stop
and smile and look my way and and give you
(15:01):
that wave of like I'm so excited to be there.
It's just kind of like an f you to the hostess.
As they walk by, they're looking on their phone, finishing
up a text message kind of, and then they kind
of annoyingly look around the room of like you're the
next thing on my to do list. And it just
immediately gives you a vibe. Whether you think about it
or not, it inherently.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
Gives you a vibe totally.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
And that's how it starts.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
I want to meet someone who has a smile on
their face and goes in for a polite hug and
is excited.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
You did that. You gave a great vibe when you walked.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Into it first. Yeah, oh my gosh, I don't remember.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
You were just and I and again, it was kind
of weird because it was our first date, but I
also knew you and I actually had seen you earlier
in the day at a charity event that you were
covered and I loved you were.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
Like texting me saying that you you even wanted to
move the time up of the date, and I really
liked that. I couldn't because I'm like, I got to
go home and get ready hello, But you made me
feel like you were excited, and that was, yeah, exactly
what we're talking about. And probably what I remember is
your politeness. I mean that would maybe be number one energy,
(16:05):
Number two politeness and decorum, Like you just mentioned someone
being rude to a server, be kind of servers, be
kind to everyone, and just be polite. I remember disposition,
don't fake it. But I remember so distinctly how much
of a gentleman you were with pulling the chair out
for me and opening card every door. And yeah, that
(16:28):
one hundred percent me a good first impression.
Speaker 4 (16:31):
On me.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Yeah, and so as you enter the room, that was
number That was number one.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Be energetic from the get go. Be polite from the
get go. Ask questions, even if you're nervous. We already
talked about this, but just ask some questions of that person.
Try to get to know them. I would say my
fourth tip, don't take it all too seriously. I know
people who I think that they are struggling and dating
(16:57):
because they're acting like, you know, this is everything, and
well I'm trying to find a husband, or I'm trying
to and you know, well I only have so much
time and I've got to fit this into my schedule,
and or they're afraid of rejection, so they take it
too seriously. Don't take it too seriously. What I always
say is, hey, it's more for the memoir. If a
(17:17):
date goes really poorly, well you got a great story
out of it, maybe went to a great restaurant. What's
the big deal. And I think that dating is like
practice is important practice, you know. I would always in
the past when I was dating, I would look at
every potential bad date as like, well, that just kind
of helped me work my muscles and potentially find the
right person.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
You can't do everything all at once. And that's why
the first date can't mean everything all at once. And
I hate to do this again, but I can't. I
was trying to rack my brain with another analogy, and
all I know is the sports.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Finaculary's okay, honey, I love you, We're Mary. You can
talk about sports.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
One thing that coaches, good coaches will tell you. It's like,
say you get down in a game and you have
to score a few times, Like, you can't do it
all in one play. If you're down by ten, you
can't score one basket work ten points. You can't score touchdown,
we're ten points. You can't score one goal that'll get
you ten points, meaning one play at a time, one
day at a time, one date at a time. Let
(18:14):
it progress naturally. You can't get married. I mean you
can if you're in Vegas. But you can't get married,
have children, and fulfill your entire life's goals in one date.
So why would you put that much pressure on that
one date? Sure, get excited about what could be, that's
all fun, But putting that much pressure on not only
(18:36):
yourself but the person you're meeting. My God, let you know,
they're not able to make a mistake, they're not able
to be goofy, they're not able to you know, overcome something.
So I think making everything matter so much is difficult.
Don't dampen your excitement, but give yourself a break.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Totally and like you like you were just something you
just said. When people say like, ooh, that gave me
the icky, I don't know. I don't. I think you
can't judge too hard on a first date with that stuff.
Like I mean, we're all being so crazy nowadays with
like the oh, I'm trying to think of a good example,
like he wore a cart again and that gave me
the ick. It's like what you know what I'm.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
Saying, Yeah, sure, nobody wants this. Just did a whole
episode on this where uh is it Adrian Brody? Am
I getting that right?
Speaker 2 (19:23):
No, the Rabbi, not Adrian Brody, Adam Brody.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Adam Brody got yes, Adam Brody did something and her
sister pulled her asides like I just saw that, Like
what are you talking about? It's like he just like
he's he gave it. He gave a really bad Italian
accent because he brought in like a tie feet or
something like that, and so he said something and her
sister was like, oh, I saw that, you just got
the ick. And it's so he says, like, you're right,
(19:46):
I got to break up with him, and they didn't.
And that was the whole point of that episode was
come on, like, even if someone gives you the ick,
supposedly something that's a big turn off unless it's something insane,
a lot.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Of these things can be fit. Let's remember that, everybody.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Yeah, he put the blazer on, uh to and to
talk to his parents and to impress them. He came
in with these big thing of flowers and had his blazers.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Yeah, I got it because he put on a jacket.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
Yeah, yeah, come on, and remember when you're dating someone,
what things are potentially changeable. And I'm being really serious
about that. I'm saying like, like I do think that
people are very they can get really extreme too with like, well,
this is how they are, and people don't change and
it really depends on the thing. To me, it depends
on the factor, Like I don't know. I would say
(20:34):
that I think you've become a more organized person since
we've been together. Oh, I would say tenfold, like your house.
When we first moved in together, I would open a
cabinet and things would spill out. You've become a much
more organized.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
I had a full bacheler Pat. I had been single
for about a decade and so I was a single dad,
and so I would say, and I hopefully you'll back
me up with this. My house was very tidy and
very clean because I'm a very clean person, but I'm
not an organized It just.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Tidy at first sight. If every any door you opened.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Its dirt, it was dirty.
Speaker 2 (21:06):
Well that's what I'm saying. It clean, not organized, clean,
not organized. And I think would say that I've changed
for you. Yeah, it has bled off from I do.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (21:17):
I was just going to wow. I was actually just
going to say, I do think even though it's I'm
never going to be perfect, do you think got more
timely for you? Yes? Thank you. Number five, I will say,
I don't think you should bring up really controversial topics
on a first date. I do think again, just like
a job interview, and maybe people disagree with on this,
(21:40):
I don't know. You tell me like, on the one hand,
of course, you want to get into like are you
guys a good match. You have to have things in common.
I think that's the biggest thing. Let me say it
for the record. I don't believe in the opposites attract philosophy.
Maybe opposites attract, but do opposite stay together if you're
looking for someone you really want to stay together with
in life. I do think overall you have to have
(22:01):
pretty similar morals worldviews. You can disagree, but if you
want to enjoy your life, find someone who likes to
live similarly to you. Now, I'm not saying, you know,
do you want to like figure out are we similar people? Overall? Sure?
But I don't know if on a first date you
want to dive into like, you know, heavily political thing.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
Let's say after this latest election, it's it was on
November fifth. Let's say you had gone on a first
date on No. Six, November six or seven? Yeah, wow,
crazy week?
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Huh?
Speaker 1 (22:33):
Or wow?
Speaker 4 (22:34):
Good?
Speaker 1 (22:34):
You know, like what would you would you just ignore it?
Would you?
Speaker 2 (22:38):
You know what I would do because of the timeliness.
I would bring it up in a lighthearted way. I
really would like. I think I'd be like, so should
we talk about the election? Because it's like just last night?
So I think I would. Yeah, you're right, I would.
And like I said, maybe I could be wrong about this.
I don't know. What do you think would you bring
up like big controversial things on a first time.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
But you know, it's interesting too. If I think you
allow a conversation to just go, I don't. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
I don't really believe. In the heart, I wouldn't avoid it.
I wouldn't say we can't talk about it.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
I don't believe in hard fast rules. But if all
of a sudden, you know, let's say, because one of
my big things about when you walk into a room
or walk up to the bar or whatever, and you
sit down, do not put your phone on the table,
do not have your phone, put your phone away, and
let's say, unless there is a dire need for it,
in which case explain, hey, I just have to leave
(23:30):
my phone out because just in case the babysitter calls,
Oh you have kids? Yeah, oh how many kids too? Okay,
that and then that's an okay way to get into something.
You know, if the conversation naturally led us into that, Okay, great,
that's that's fine. But I wouldn't sit down and in
one of the first questions like, so do you want kids?
(23:51):
So it's all in how you get there.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
Well, we're talking kind of talking about two different things.
One is like the bringing up And I wanted to
ask you this, do you bring up like your major
goals in life? I want to get married, I want
to have kids. I have a timeline for this. Do
you bring that stuff up on the first date? And
I wanted to ask you that now, but I was
kind of referring more to like like, I don't think
I would go maybe if the election had just happened
and it's the next night. Sure, it almost feels weird
(24:25):
to not talk about it and just and you don't
want to be unnatural, But would I sit down on
a first date with someone and say, well, how do
you feel about the Israel Palestine situation?
Speaker 1 (24:34):
Right?
Speaker 2 (24:34):
I don't think I would do that. And it's not
because I don't want to know their feelings. It's just because, again,
this is a first date and there's I think there's
already so many other factors, your nerves. You don't know
anything about each other, so much like let's get to
know the basics and let's ease into those.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
Things you're putting the cart before the horse or those situations.
Get to know and see if you like the person.
Once you like the person, date.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
And you might disagree. I think that people can be
in relationships and disagree on things, obviously, But but it's
just I think you're setting a barrier for you. You're
you're building a wall that you're going to have to
climb over if you don't get to know each other
before getting to know all of each other's opinions.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
And if you're asking good questions and you're listening and
you're following up, you're probably going to discern, for the
most part, some of the answers to those questions that
you want to get to later.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
Read the room. Okay, so let's go to what you
just said, because I asked, do you bring up marriage, kids,
all that, and you said a definitive no.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
I don't think. And again, I think you can talk
about things in life and you know, maybe something slips
out of like oh you were married before, No, yes,
you know. It's like, so I think you can get
into some of these conversations.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
That's interesting because on our first date, we talked about
whether we wanted to get married again. We talked about
moving to Texas one day, like we did.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
We were take. I think you got to take, you know,
Ciskel and Ebert or I guess Barbara Walters and Tom
brokaw out of this because we both know if.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
All those questions of you, you might have brought some
of that stuff up. We and granted we knew each
other professionally, so we weren't total.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
We didn't know each other, Yeah, we weren't. We weren't
on this like blind date per se. So I feel
like we had had good conversations, we had talked, we
had texted, talked on the phone, and so it was
I felt like it naturally progressed. I don't think there
was anything jarring.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
No on our foot, That's what I mean. So I'm
interested in why you're like, here's what the maybe caveat.
I'll give how I feel and tell me if you agree.
I do think life place matters, Like if you're twenty
five and you're just starting to date, although I don't know,
maybe at twenty five you really want to get married.
I do think it depends on like how important all
those things are to you. Like I also think if
(26:42):
you're in your forties and you're both divorced, Like marriage
is just going to come up more naturally, and that's okay.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
Yeah, exactly. And where you meet and how you meet. Right,
if you're meeting off of hinge or something and you're
going on this first date and you're meeting at a
bar and you're just figuring out literally who the person
is as they walk in, as opposed to you've been
working with this person for a couple of years. You're
going on a first date. You're taking this relationship to
the next level. You go to church or temple together,
(27:08):
and you're like decide to so like you It depends
on if you already know a little something.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
About Yeah, And I don't think any of these are
like hard and fast rules. I'm not and to ay,
if you want to bring up kind of again, if
those controversial topics come up naturally, okay, get into it.
If marriage and kids and stuff comes up, and or
you really want to bring it up, okay. I think
a lot of it is how you bring it up.
I think probably some people make the mistake of sitting
down at a first hit and going, well, so do
(27:34):
you want kids, and it's like whoa you know, versus
letting that conversation happen.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
Or even stamping it with such a.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
Like if you don't want kids, I'm out here because
exactly now.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
Yeah, giving it such a statement and you're directing it
in a box, there's nowhere to go from there. If
you sit down and you say, well, if you didn't
vote for Kamala like this, this needs to be over.
Or if you don't even this, yeah, this needs to
be over. If you don't want to get married again,
we're done. So if you stamp it with something that's
just you can't come back from it. You're not giving
(28:07):
that person any room to breathe in a conversation. So, yeah,
there are ways to get about those conversations.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
Christy, can I pull you into this? I feel like
we need one more opinion. I know you are you
have a boyfriend. You guys have been together for a
minute here, But when you were dating previous to this boyfriend,
would you bring up or how would you feel if
people brought up kind of serious topics or controversial things
or big life things on a first date?
Speaker 3 (28:31):
I just I agree. I didn't bring it up.
Speaker 4 (28:34):
Okay, it was like it was definitely like a third
or fourteen I don't want to understand if you're funny first, Like, so,
if you're funny, can you make me laugh? Can you
be in a room and not absorb all the air
but kind of work yourself into it.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
I think you've nailed something so important, Chrissy. How many
people do you know? I have so many friends who
will go by this gauge. Well, I just kind of
want to see if I could bring him to a
party and if he could, like if I could leave
him alone at a party, Like can you handle being
around other people? Can you chat? Are you a fun
person to be around? And I think that's such a
smart first thing to assess about someone is just do
(29:13):
I enjoy being around you? Because ultimately, all the stuff
we're talking about, the tough stuff in life, the big
stuff in life, you're gonna want a partner who you
can laugh with and have fun with through all these big, stressful,
tough life things.
Speaker 4 (29:27):
I think also too for me, Like trust has always
been a big thing for me. So like, if I
can let you loosen a room and I can trust
you to go and be around but I know that
we're going home together and where you come back and
you check in on me, that's a.
Speaker 3 (29:40):
Big one for me.
Speaker 2 (29:42):
Agree. Oh my gosh, Chrissy. That was something that when
Chris and I we drove to our first date separately,
which I do think I recommend be safe out there,
but I don't get used to that. Hey, I kind
of knew him be for all I know, he's a
celebrity psychopath. I have no idea. I was fully on
guard even at the beginning. Hollywood's weird. But as we
found out when he TechEd, But when we he texted
(30:04):
me after and said, Hey, I just want to tell
you it's such a great time tonight and I just
wanted to make sure you made it home okay. And
that made a huge difference for me, just that he
was checking on me and.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
One of the things you and I love. And it
wasn't as much about the trust that Chrissy was mentioning.
It was more about being able to not have to
babysit each other. You and I both go into situations
where you have to work a room, or you're going
to a board meeting and you're at a cocktail event,
or I'm at a social event and I need to
(30:33):
know that you're okay without taking Well, then let me
ask you to stop, and so it's nice to know.
I can just see you across the room. We look
at each other, I'm like, oh, she's got this.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
Yeah, but is that like a second date thing? Let
me ask both.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
Yeah, it's not a first date thing.
Speaker 2 (30:45):
Okay, well that's what I wanted. What is why we're
going to wrap up here? But on the note of
first dates, what are good locations for first dates? Christy,
what do you think?
Speaker 3 (30:54):
I'm me at my boyfriend at bar trivia?
Speaker 2 (30:57):
Oh? Fun? But like you just met at him there
or that was your intentional first date?
Speaker 3 (31:02):
No, we like just met there.
Speaker 4 (31:03):
We ended up on a team together, just like from
mutual friends, and we just met there. But doing something
like that, like you know, like a bar bingo, a
bar trivia, like a karaoke or something, you're going into
a situation where you know you're going to be surrounded
by people who like doing the same things that you.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
Like to do.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
And it's good because you have an activity, but it's
not an activity that will preclude you from talking.
Speaker 3 (31:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
I don't think you can do a movie on a
first date, right because first date movie silence so weird.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
And we're going to a play or it's.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
Like I'm round in the dark with this person who
I don't know, but.
Speaker 1 (31:34):
I do like like Christy's saying, you know, like karaoke
is actually very interesting because most people really suck at it,
but it's interesting is this person mean, are they cutting
everybody down? Or are they leaning into it and having
a good time. You get to kind of see someone's personality.
But it is good to have an activity, but it's
not an activity that will preclude you from talking, because
that does need to be the major activity of your
(31:55):
first aid is getting to know each other.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
I think great first date is I'm actually not a
big meat for coffee because it feels so like formal
and not. It feels like a business meeting to me.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
It feels informal to me. It feels so timed, like
we're going to be here for fifteen.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
Minutes exactly, and it's like during the day. It's not sexy.
I don't love that. I like a meat for a drink,
and you don't have to be a drinker. You can
get a mocktail, get whatever. But I like an early
evening meetup. I think that's a little less casual than
a full dinner. You know, if you're having a great time,
you can turn it into dinner.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
I want to put effort in and I want you
to put effort into seeing me. Yeah, how do you
want me to see you?
Speaker 2 (32:31):
Like get dressed up for the day?
Speaker 1 (32:32):
How are you putting on, doing your hair, doing a
little makeup, but note a.
Speaker 2 (32:35):
Nice not pig penning it.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Yeah, yeah exactly, And like same thing for me. It's
like did he put on a jacket? Did he you know,
dress nicely? Whatever? You know, It's like, how how do
you want to be presenting yourself?
Speaker 3 (32:45):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (32:45):
That matters to me.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
And I don't think dinner's bad. I think you can
totally do a first dinner date. And then that's a
really good way to like see someone's effort. Did you
know how much effort did they put into picking the
place and that? And what kind of place did they pick?
What are they into? But I also do like I
think things what you mentioned, Chrissy is great, Like something
that's kind of social and fun can be a great
way to get a read on someone. How do they
(33:08):
do in a group situation? How do they do with
other people? The only caveat I would say, I think
sometimes people and this is a bad way to go.
Will bring someone around their group of friends really early
as kind of this test, and I don't think that,
like it can go really great, but it feels like
not fair and it feels like too much of a test,
and some people get really nervous in those situations.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
But it feels like such a make or break moment.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
Yeah, like bring someone to like, yeah, a trivia and
I could be fun because you're just around other people,
but I wouldn't be like, You're gonna come on my
trivia team with all my very best friends from high
school who I've known forever and we have all these
inside jokes. Now I'm gonna see how you vibe. Yeah,
it feels like on a first date. Yeah wow.
Speaker 4 (33:47):
I also like a first date that's like an activity
that like where you don't have to dress up. Yeah,
let's go for let's go rafting. Let's go like let's
get on your raft or let's go for a hike
or something like let me see you dirty and sluttie,
where you're.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
Not pretending to Christ's like let's put him on the Bachelor. Oh,
it's like let's go on a hot air balloon or
let's go let's throw them off a building and go
bungee jump in.
Speaker 2 (34:11):
That's interesting though, because Chrissy's saying something totally different than us,
and maybe what that speaks to is like do you know, well,
let me ask you this, Chrissy, are you looking about
to do you think that you have to like be
aware that a person's into that or is it almost like, Hey,
I like hiking and I got to see if you
can vibe or would you like sess them out first
and be like are you in a hiking? Is this
a good idea?
Speaker 4 (34:31):
I think that like when you're doing something like that,
it's very raw and that like I've had I lived
in La long enough to know and have enough first
dates to know that like the person showing up for
my dinner in La in his nice suit jacket was
really the guy who was home and like his you know,
pajama pants on a regular basis interesting, like.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
They presented themselves in a way that wasn't who.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
They really liked.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
Two, Like if we had a nice first date after
dinner whatever, be like Okay, now let's go to run
in canyon and do the thing or whatever.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
Actually, I do think you and I went on a
hike on one of our Like, we totally did, because we
actually this. I don't think I've ever told this story
a friend someone you remember this.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
We're trying to be secret.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
We're still secretive. And a friend saw you with me
that it was so far away that they didn't know
it was me, and they literally texted me and said,
you won't believe this. I saw Chris Harrison on a
date with someone earlier, but I could but they were like,
but it was it was from far away. I don't
know who it was, but like I was just like, yeah, weird,
(35:36):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (35:37):
It was crazy.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
And then we got scared of going on public. Okay, okay,
gick greecap heres we quick recap. I think be energetic,
be excited, as you noted right out the gate.
Speaker 1 (35:49):
Yeah, come in, come in hot, come in confident, come
in happy.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
Come in polite. Number two, be kind, gentlemanly, put your
phone away, be nice to servers, ask questions, Ask ask questions,
ask a follow up, and then share a story about yourself.
Speaker 1 (36:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:05):
I also think be open. Don't judge somebody on these
little tiny things. Be open, know that their nervous, be human.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
And again, the first date can't mean everything.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
It can't mean everything. If they get a seven out
of ten or above, I'd say go for a second day.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
This can be the start of something beautiful, but it
can't be your entire life into this one dinner or
one coffee or one rafting trip with Chrissy.
Speaker 2 (36:30):
And I think stick to topics where you can just get
to know them as a person before you get to
know all their opinions on everything in the world. There
you go, all right, Well this was great, Christy, Thanks
you worked. You know what. I'll end this by saying
I would always give a second date. Second date doesn't
go great, I'd say you can be done.
Speaker 1 (36:46):
Thank you for the be minus B plus on our
first date, and thank you for joining us. Always enjoy
talking to you. We will do it again next time
because we have a lot more to talk about. Thanks
for listening. Follow us on Instagram at the most dramatic
pod ever and make sure to write us a review
and leave us five stars. I'll talk to you next time.
This is the most dramatic podcast ever and iHeartRadio podcast.
Chris Harrison and Lauren Zema coming to you from the
home office in Austin, Texas. Hope everybody's having a great week.
Elsie and I were discussing the other day first dates.
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Yes, I think we had talked about our first anniversary,
and then that brings up your first date. And you know,
first dates are a big thing, Like before you're married,
what do you celebrate. You celebrate the anniversary of probably
your first date. Right. It's something that if you end
up in a long relationship with someone, I think that
first date is often burned in your brain, hopefully in
a good way.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
But we've also had discussions because a friend's family that
go on these first dates, and what God is talking
about it in general is the yes, that first date's important,
but also, and you talk about this all the time,
it can't mean everything. You can't put so much weight
(01:01):
on the first date that it determines your entire life together.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
People who pass by someone because of the first date.
I agree. So we wanted to get into navigating a
first date, and I think that's a great place to
begin about that beginner date. I think the first date
cannot mean everything. It's great if it goes well. But
(01:27):
what I usually advise people is a first date's kind
of like a job interview. I think you know you're
hoping to get to the next round. You're hoping was
this good enough? I'll to get to the next round
of interviews. And I think that everybody's nervous. So you
have to give people a little bit of grace with that,
and maybe if someone says something that's not quite perfect,
(01:48):
or maybe if you're not totally sure about this part
of their personality, give them a little slack on that.
That's my opinion. But am I being too lenient? What
do you think? No?
Speaker 1 (01:57):
I was going to put it into sports terms because
you love that, which I did a lot on our
first date.
Speaker 3 (02:06):
You didn't.
Speaker 1 (02:08):
I I got lucky on that. But no, it's like
the beginning of a season, right, You've been to training
camp and all that stuff. The first game you play
is not the best. You don't come out game one
of a season and we are the best we're ever
going to be. You improve, you get better, you grow
as a team, you learn each other's idiosyncrasies, and so
(02:28):
the point being first dates are a difficult ground to cover,
and by the way, it plays into some people's strengths.
You and I are good talkers, we're pretty good communicators.
But I would say, and I'm going to ask you,
scale of one to ten, rate our first date.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Whoa I would have given you? If I called my
friends the next day, I would have said eight out
of ten.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Okay, that's higher than I thought. I thought I was
going to get a seven.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
No, why why did you think that seven?
Speaker 1 (03:03):
By the way, seven is great. I had c's c's
get degrees.
Speaker 2 (03:06):
Let me let me be arrogant about myself right now.
I would have said, overall date eight out of ten,
my performance on date ten out of ten.
Speaker 1 (03:14):
Your performance, No, No, honestly you this is this is
why you get an as you get a nine out
of ten because because then so you.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
Said, yes, professor, Yes.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
One of my drawbacks on our first date was that
I quote unquote talked too much.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
That's why I gave you the eight out of ten.
I thought that you talked a lot.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Yes, but I would say you get a nine out
of ten because you never stopped asking questions.
Speaker 2 (03:45):
So I asked him any questions, so you didn't leave.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Any air in the room. And you You can do
this at times when we get around people and you
feel like because you feel the pressure of carrying a
moment in a situation.
Speaker 2 (03:56):
I totally do. I wherever we are, always I feel
the overall burden of how is this night going for everybody?
I don't know what that is in me. It's an
inner thing I have where I want everyone to be
having fun. I want the party to be going well,
even if it's not my party or dinner or anything.
I feel the social pressure of the tone of the events.
Speaker 1 (04:13):
Okay, but you just made a great point for a
first date Mulligan, which is a gimme, which is okay
if I had just stopped on date one and said, wow,
she really asked a lot of questions and she kind
of kept talking and she never really gave me. And
now the reason why you do that is something I
find very endearing. You care so much about everybody's time.
(04:35):
You want everyone to have the best time all the time.
So you are the as Larry David would say, you're
the ultimate middle. You want Lauren Zim at the middle
of the table because she is going to be the vibe. Now,
I wouldn't have known that on date one. It was
just something I noticed.
Speaker 2 (04:51):
So, if you're putting yourself truly in that moment, what
would you have given me? And Okay, you feel like
I asked a lot of questions, Well, you asked a
lot of questions, but were very loving, caring given yourself.
I would have given myself. I would say seven seven
and a half. I don't know, I don't I'm I'm
(05:11):
not as good as you in those moments like first
dates are.
Speaker 1 (05:15):
Here's here's why. If I go back to that moment,
I think there's a little trepidation. I was still nervous dating.
You were nervous in public because you know, host of
The Bachelor and he's hosting a dating show, and so
I was careful about where we went because I didn't
want all the prying eyes and anyone taking pictures of
ow he's on the dating scene. So I was like, Okay,
(05:37):
if I take this beautiful woman out, but we go
to a very public place where a lot of people
in the in the industry are going, They're like, oh,
he's with this reporter from entertainment tonight. Who cares?
Speaker 2 (05:47):
That's not crazy. It just ran into hot dating tip
is make it look like it's not a date.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
In my situations, because I also didn't want that onus
on you, but that's why.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
But look what we're both analyzing each other for the
asking too many questions or the talking too much. I
do think that leads to something that I think is
a critical point, a critical must do on a first date.
You better ask some questions and it needs that's the thing.
It needs to go both ways. That is always And
maybe I did too much, but that is a major
(06:21):
read for me on a first date, in a first
hang out with someone, did they ask me any questions
at all about myself? If not, I'm like, well, what
are we doing here? Obviously you don't really care about
getting to know me, so why would we.
Speaker 1 (06:35):
Move forward and then go further and actually listen to
the answers m hm and follow up? Because oftentimes, and guys,
I'm going to put you out there oftentimes what guys
will do as well. I'm proud of myself. I asked
a question and as soon as Lauren says something about Missouri,
I'm like, oh, I went to Missouri and I did
(06:55):
this and I and you immediately tell a story about
yourself and that's a OK. But maybe just hold a
finger up or like clench your fist to remember that
you want to tell that story, but follow up with well,
what was it like at miszoo or you know, follow
up and ask her a other in depth question. Don't
immediately go back to a story about yourself.
Speaker 2 (07:17):
I think you're so right. A lot of people make
the mistake of sharing about themselves and thinking that that
is relatable and that that's connective to another person. But
it's not. And you should, I mean, we should all
be vulnerable and share. But you're so right. Ask a
follow up question, then share your story. That's a kind
of a good basic rule. Ask question, ask, follow up,
(07:37):
share story.
Speaker 1 (07:38):
Even if you said, you know, if you would let
me know that you lost your dad on our first date,
which you didn't, but if you did, instead of saying, oh,
I lost my dad too, and just say, you can
mention oh I lost my dad did.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
What was that like for you?
Speaker 1 (07:51):
What was it like for you or how did you
deal with that or how did you work with your
siblings or whatever it is, But just think about your
story and just kind of put that to the side.
You can come back to it.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
I like our new rule, last question, ask follow up,
share story.
Speaker 1 (08:03):
Yeah, it's a very tough thing, and I think men
do it more than women. And I think the reasons
diving into a story about themselves just because they're typically
you don't think so.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
I don't know if I've noticed that. To be honest,
I think it's more of a personality trait versus a
gender thing. Like some people are just like that, And
I actually think a lot of the time it comes
from people being insecure and not knowing how to socially
navigate or and it's like, doesn't necessarily mean that they're
self involved. It's just something they need to work on
(08:37):
and readjust so that's why we're talking about it here now.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Rule one. For sure, get excited, be happy about it,
but don't put so much weight on this date that
it has to mean everything.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Well, look, we say first impressions are everything. That's a
phrase we all say, right, But I think that that
phrase is coming from a place of take a first impression. Seriously,
that's really what that phrase is trying to convey. I
don't think first impressions should be everything. I think everybody
should get a second chance, you know, I mean, I've
had some people who have made some disastrous first impressions
(09:09):
on me. You know, met someone at a party and
they were wasted. I'm not going to hold that against them.
I'll meet them again. And you know, everybody deserves a
second shot.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
I mean, honestly, if I didn't get a second shot,
I wouldn't have been the host of the Bachelor for
twenty years. I had a horrible first date. I had
a terrible first impression.
Speaker 2 (09:25):
What your first audition.
Speaker 1 (09:27):
I didn't audition, I just had an interview and I
went in and it was like a first date, right,
You're sitting down with the creator of the show and executives,
and it was a disaster. I was horrible. I was
terrible in the room. They were terrible in the room.
We hated each other. But I came back and I
was more myself, and we obviously had a pretty good
marriage for twenty years.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
But by the way, why do you think you got
a second shot?
Speaker 1 (09:48):
They had heard somebody had heard and I you know, look,
they all took credit for it later of whose idea
this was. But they went out to somebody else and
actually were in negotiations with somebody else, and then they
called me and said they want to meet with you again.
I said, why it was such a disaster. Our first
date was a mess that it was, I mean, oil
and water just didn't mix. And I went back in
(10:11):
for the second interview and they said, look, you are
terrible in our first interview, but we hear you're a
good guy. Let's do this again. And they all, you know,
through the years, took credit for I was the one
that stood up for you because I heard and knew it.
But I'll never get to the bottom of what really happened.
But I did get that second first date. And I
think the maybe the better line is you know how
(10:34):
you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
That's true, but that first impression doesn't have to mean everything,
and so I think, maybe, look, you're always going to
have that first impression. I left that first impression on
everybody when I went in for that interview. I left
that first impression on you. But if you had said, god,
he just I don't know, man, he talked too much.
(10:54):
I'm never going to see him again. What a horrible
like miss that would have been.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Totally and here's the indicator, right, if you wanted to
play a numbers game with it. Since we're ranking, I
would say, if you have about a I would even
go as low as a seven out of ten for
the date. Give someone a second chance another date six
and below. I don't know. I mean, I'm not sitting
here telling everybody. If you go on a first date
and you agree on nothing and you have completely different
(11:23):
views of the world and you're not from the same
place and you didn't connect, of course you shouldn't give
that person a second chance. But if it was just
one or two things, you know, like truly with us,
I thought, gosh, we have a lot in common, and
I think he's really smart, and I think he's really
polite and gentlemanly and kind. He talked a little too much,
But in my head, I went, well, maybe he was nervous.
(11:44):
You know, approach it like a human ask yourself. First
dates are nerve wracking. Was this person nervous? Maybe he
was tired, maybe at a crazy busy day. You know,
you've got to like have a human factor when you're
considering would I take go on that second date?
Speaker 1 (12:00):
And what is the worst thing that happens again? If
they were offensive, like, don't put yourself out there to
have another horrible, offensive experience. But what's the worst thing
if you thought, ah, there's potential there, maybe so have
a second date, and then you can say Nope, I
was wrong, or wow, that really opened my eyes to
something that could be pretty beautiful. By our second date,
(12:23):
we were often running. I think totally we are. The
first date was not awkward at all. It wasn't bad
at all. Again, I you know, sees get degrees, sees
get dates, sees got me the sea, got me a
second get a second date, see get dates. But I
think I agree. If if you are going to rank
a date, and maybe that's a good formula, go home,
(12:45):
and it's what you would tell your dearest friend, your mom, whatever,
your sister. And if you said, all right, babe, rank this,
and if you say seven, seven and a half eight,
but this give to give it another chance. And what's
the worst thing that happens is you have a second
dinner and you don't or to dessert, You go home
and you don't talk to him again.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
So I think we need to dive into importantly how
to do a first date, though, or we're telling people
a lot how to judge whether to have a second date.
I think there are some key factors in how to
approach a first date. Well one, be excited, show up excited.
You know nobody wants to feel like you don't want
to be there. Be excited even if you're not sure,
even if you're questioning it. Otherwise, why are you wasting
(13:39):
everyone's time? Go in with energy and being open.
Speaker 1 (13:43):
Two And by the way, can I just hit one
point on that that goes to literally getting out of
the car. The moment you get out of a car,
your body language, your look, the smile on your face.
If you walk in past the hostess, Stan and I'm
sitting at the bar, your shoulders are slumped and you've
got this look on your face and you're kind of
(14:04):
looking around. Walk in and guys, this goes for you too.
Walk in, shoulders up back, looking strong, looking confident, looking happy,
looking excited that you're in this moment. That body language
goes a long way the moment you walk in a room.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
Have you had some bad body language on first dates?
It sounds like you have. What happened to you?
Speaker 1 (14:23):
I mean, I think of I don't know why the
pig pin, you know of the Peanuts character I've just
kind of had his shoulders down. There's this dirty were dirty.
But yeah, that's it's an exaggeration. But yeah, I've had
people where I've been sitting at a bar.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
Number too.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
No, I've had people where I'm sitting at a bar
and I look up and I think, this is the
person who I'm going on a date with. I went
on a couple of blind dates where I didn't know
the person, and I see this person walk by the
hostess and they kind of I don't see them have
a good exchange with the hostess, right, they don't stop
and smile and look my way and and give you
(15:01):
that wave of like I'm so excited to be there.
It's just kind of like an f you to the hostess.
As they walk by, they're looking on their phone, finishing
up a text message kind of, and then they kind
of annoyingly look around the room of like you're the
next thing on my to do list. And it just
immediately gives you a vibe. Whether you think about it
or not, it inherently.
Speaker 2 (15:21):
Gives you a vibe totally.
Speaker 1 (15:23):
And that's how it starts.
Speaker 2 (15:24):
I want to meet someone who has a smile on
their face and goes in for a polite hug and
is excited.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
You did that. You gave a great vibe when you walked.
Speaker 2 (15:33):
Into it first. Yeah, oh my gosh, I don't remember.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
You were just and I and again, it was kind
of weird because it was our first date, but I
also knew you and I actually had seen you earlier
in the day at a charity event that you were
covered and I loved you were.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
Like texting me saying that you you even wanted to
move the time up of the date, and I really
liked that. I couldn't because I'm like, I got to
go home and get ready hello, But you made me
feel like you were excited, and that was, yeah, exactly
what we're talking about. And probably what I remember is
your politeness. I mean that would maybe be number one energy,
(16:05):
Number two politeness and decorum, Like you just mentioned someone
being rude to a server, be kind of servers, be
kind to everyone, and just be polite. I remember disposition,
don't fake it. But I remember so distinctly how much
of a gentleman you were with pulling the chair out
for me and opening card every door. And yeah, that
(16:28):
one hundred percent me a good first impression.
Speaker 4 (16:31):
On me.
Speaker 1 (16:31):
Yeah, and so as you enter the room, that was
number That was number one.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Be energetic from the get go. Be polite from the
get go. Ask questions, even if you're nervous. We already
talked about this, but just ask some questions of that person.
Try to get to know them. I would say my
fourth tip, don't take it all too seriously. I know
people who I think that they are struggling and dating
(16:57):
because they're acting like, you know, this is everything, and
well I'm trying to find a husband, or I'm trying
to and you know, well I only have so much
time and I've got to fit this into my schedule,
and or they're afraid of rejection, so they take it
too seriously. Don't take it too seriously. What I always
say is, hey, it's more for the memoir. If a
(17:17):
date goes really poorly, well you got a great story
out of it, maybe went to a great restaurant. What's
the big deal. And I think that dating is like
practice is important practice, you know. I would always in
the past when I was dating, I would look at
every potential bad date as like, well, that just kind
of helped me work my muscles and potentially find the
right person.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
You can't do everything all at once. And that's why
the first date can't mean everything all at once. And
I hate to do this again, but I can't. I
was trying to rack my brain with another analogy, and
all I know is the sports.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
Finaculary's okay, honey, I love you, We're Mary. You can
talk about sports.
Speaker 1 (17:51):
One thing that coaches, good coaches will tell you. It's like,
say you get down in a game and you have
to score a few times, Like, you can't do it
all in one play. If you're down by ten, you
can't score one basket work ten points. You can't score touchdown,
we're ten points. You can't score one goal that'll get
you ten points, meaning one play at a time, one
day at a time, one date at a time. Let
(18:14):
it progress naturally. You can't get married. I mean you
can if you're in Vegas. But you can't get married,
have children, and fulfill your entire life's goals in one date.
So why would you put that much pressure on that
one date? Sure, get excited about what could be, that's
all fun, But putting that much pressure on not only
(18:36):
yourself but the person you're meeting. My God, let you know,
they're not able to make a mistake, they're not able
to be goofy, they're not able to you know, overcome something.
So I think making everything matter so much is difficult.
Don't dampen your excitement, but give yourself a break.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Totally and like you like you were just something you
just said. When people say like, ooh, that gave me
the icky, I don't know. I don't. I think you
can't judge too hard on a first date with that stuff.
Like I mean, we're all being so crazy nowadays with
like the oh, I'm trying to think of a good example,
like he wore a cart again and that gave me
the ick. It's like what you know what I'm.
Speaker 1 (19:15):
Saying, Yeah, sure, nobody wants this. Just did a whole
episode on this where uh is it Adrian Brody? Am
I getting that right?
Speaker 2 (19:23):
No, the Rabbi, not Adrian Brody, Adam Brody.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Adam Brody got yes, Adam Brody did something and her
sister pulled her asides like I just saw that, Like
what are you talking about? It's like he just like
he's he gave it. He gave a really bad Italian
accent because he brought in like a tie feet or
something like that, and so he said something and her
sister was like, oh, I saw that, you just got
the ick. And it's so he says, like, you're right,
(19:46):
I got to break up with him, and they didn't.
And that was the whole point of that episode was
come on, like, even if someone gives you the ick,
supposedly something that's a big turn off unless it's something insane,
a lot.
Speaker 2 (19:58):
Of these things can be fit. Let's remember that, everybody.
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Yeah, he put the blazer on, uh to and to
talk to his parents and to impress them. He came
in with these big thing of flowers and had his blazers.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Yeah, I got it because he put on a jacket.
Speaker 3 (20:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
Yeah, yeah, come on, and remember when you're dating someone,
what things are potentially changeable. And I'm being really serious
about that. I'm saying like, like I do think that
people are very they can get really extreme too with like, well,
this is how they are, and people don't change and
it really depends on the thing. To me, it depends
on the factor, Like I don't know. I would say
(20:34):
that I think you've become a more organized person since
we've been together. Oh, I would say tenfold, like your house.
When we first moved in together, I would open a
cabinet and things would spill out. You've become a much
more organized.
Speaker 1 (20:46):
I had a full bacheler Pat. I had been single
for about a decade and so I was a single dad,
and so I would say, and I hopefully you'll back
me up with this. My house was very tidy and
very clean because I'm a very clean person, but I'm
not an organized It just.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Tidy at first sight. If every any door you opened.
Speaker 1 (21:04):
Its dirt, it was dirty.
Speaker 2 (21:06):
Well that's what I'm saying. It clean, not organized, clean,
not organized. And I think would say that I've changed
for you. Yeah, it has bled off from I do.
Speaker 3 (21:17):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (21:17):
I was just going to wow. I was actually just
going to say, I do think even though it's I'm
never going to be perfect, do you think got more
timely for you? Yes? Thank you. Number five, I will say,
I don't think you should bring up really controversial topics
on a first date. I do think again, just like
a job interview, and maybe people disagree with on this,
(21:40):
I don't know. You tell me like, on the one hand,
of course, you want to get into like are you
guys a good match. You have to have things in common.
I think that's the biggest thing. Let me say it
for the record. I don't believe in the opposites attract philosophy.
Maybe opposites attract, but do opposite stay together if you're
looking for someone you really want to stay together with
in life. I do think overall you have to have
(22:01):
pretty similar morals worldviews. You can disagree, but if you
want to enjoy your life, find someone who likes to
live similarly to you. Now, I'm not saying, you know,
do you want to like figure out are we similar people? Overall? Sure?
But I don't know if on a first date you
want to dive into like, you know, heavily political thing.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
Let's say after this latest election, it's it was on
November fifth. Let's say you had gone on a first
date on No. Six, November six or seven? Yeah, wow,
crazy week?
Speaker 2 (22:33):
Huh?
Speaker 1 (22:33):
Or wow?
Speaker 4 (22:34):
Good?
Speaker 1 (22:34):
You know, like what would you would you just ignore it?
Would you?
Speaker 2 (22:38):
You know what I would do because of the timeliness.
I would bring it up in a lighthearted way. I
really would like. I think I'd be like, so should
we talk about the election? Because it's like just last night?
So I think I would. Yeah, you're right, I would.
And like I said, maybe I could be wrong about this.
I don't know. What do you think would you bring
up like big controversial things on a first time.
Speaker 1 (22:58):
But you know, it's interesting too. If I think you
allow a conversation to just go, I don't. I don't know.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
I don't really believe. In the heart, I wouldn't avoid it.
I wouldn't say we can't talk about it.
Speaker 1 (23:06):
I don't believe in hard fast rules. But if all
of a sudden, you know, let's say, because one of
my big things about when you walk into a room
or walk up to the bar or whatever, and you
sit down, do not put your phone on the table,
do not have your phone, put your phone away, and
let's say, unless there is a dire need for it,
in which case explain, hey, I just have to leave
(23:30):
my phone out because just in case the babysitter calls,
Oh you have kids? Yeah, oh how many kids too? Okay,
that and then that's an okay way to get into something.
You know, if the conversation naturally led us into that, Okay, great,
that's that's fine. But I wouldn't sit down and in
one of the first questions like, so do you want kids?
(23:51):
So it's all in how you get there.
Speaker 2 (24:04):
Well, we're talking kind of talking about two different things.
One is like the bringing up And I wanted to
ask you this, do you bring up like your major
goals in life? I want to get married, I want
to have kids. I have a timeline for this. Do
you bring that stuff up on the first date? And
I wanted to ask you that now, but I was
kind of referring more to like like, I don't think
I would go maybe if the election had just happened
and it's the next night. Sure, it almost feels weird
(24:25):
to not talk about it and just and you don't
want to be unnatural, But would I sit down on
a first date with someone and say, well, how do
you feel about the Israel Palestine situation?
Speaker 1 (24:34):
Right?
Speaker 2 (24:34):
I don't think I would do that. And it's not
because I don't want to know their feelings. It's just because, again,
this is a first date and there's I think there's
already so many other factors, your nerves. You don't know
anything about each other, so much like let's get to
know the basics and let's ease into those.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
Things you're putting the cart before the horse or those situations.
Get to know and see if you like the person.
Once you like the person, date.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
And you might disagree. I think that people can be
in relationships and disagree on things, obviously, But but it's
just I think you're setting a barrier for you. You're
you're building a wall that you're going to have to
climb over if you don't get to know each other
before getting to know all of each other's opinions.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
And if you're asking good questions and you're listening and
you're following up, you're probably going to discern, for the
most part, some of the answers to those questions that
you want to get to later.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
Read the room. Okay, so let's go to what you
just said, because I asked, do you bring up marriage, kids,
all that, and you said a definitive no.
Speaker 1 (25:30):
I don't think. And again, I think you can talk
about things in life and you know, maybe something slips
out of like oh you were married before, No, yes,
you know. It's like, so I think you can get
into some of these conversations.
Speaker 2 (25:43):
That's interesting because on our first date, we talked about
whether we wanted to get married again. We talked about
moving to Texas one day, like we did.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
We were take. I think you got to take, you know,
Ciskel and Ebert or I guess Barbara Walters and Tom
brokaw out of this because we both know if.
Speaker 2 (26:00):
All those questions of you, you might have brought some
of that stuff up. We and granted we knew each
other professionally, so we weren't total.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
We didn't know each other, Yeah, we weren't. We weren't
on this like blind date per se. So I feel
like we had had good conversations, we had talked, we
had texted, talked on the phone, and so it was
I felt like it naturally progressed. I don't think there
was anything jarring.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
No on our foot, That's what I mean. So I'm
interested in why you're like, here's what the maybe caveat.
I'll give how I feel and tell me if you agree.
I do think life place matters, Like if you're twenty
five and you're just starting to date, although I don't know,
maybe at twenty five you really want to get married.
I do think it depends on like how important all
those things are to you. Like I also think if
(26:42):
you're in your forties and you're both divorced, Like marriage
is just going to come up more naturally, and that's okay.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
Yeah, exactly. And where you meet and how you meet. Right,
if you're meeting off of hinge or something and you're
going on this first date and you're meeting at a
bar and you're just figuring out literally who the person
is as they walk in, as opposed to you've been
working with this person for a couple of years. You're
going on a first date. You're taking this relationship to
the next level. You go to church or temple together,
(27:08):
and you're like decide to so like you It depends
on if you already know a little something.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
About Yeah, And I don't think any of these are
like hard and fast rules. I'm not and to ay,
if you want to bring up kind of again, if
those controversial topics come up naturally, okay, get into it.
If marriage and kids and stuff comes up, and or
you really want to bring it up, okay. I think
a lot of it is how you bring it up.
I think probably some people make the mistake of sitting
down at a first hit and going, well, so do
(27:34):
you want kids, and it's like whoa you know, versus
letting that conversation happen.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
Or even stamping it with such a.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
Like if you don't want kids, I'm out here because
exactly now.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
Yeah, giving it such a statement and you're directing it
in a box, there's nowhere to go from there. If
you sit down and you say, well, if you didn't
vote for Kamala like this, this needs to be over.
Or if you don't even this, yeah, this needs to
be over. If you don't want to get married again,
we're done. So if you stamp it with something that's
just you can't come back from it. You're not giving
(28:07):
that person any room to breathe in a conversation. So, yeah,
there are ways to get about those conversations.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
Christy, can I pull you into this? I feel like
we need one more opinion. I know you are you
have a boyfriend. You guys have been together for a
minute here, But when you were dating previous to this boyfriend,
would you bring up or how would you feel if
people brought up kind of serious topics or controversial things
or big life things on a first date?
Speaker 3 (28:31):
I just I agree. I didn't bring it up.
Speaker 4 (28:34):
Okay, it was like it was definitely like a third
or fourteen I don't want to understand if you're funny first, Like, so,
if you're funny, can you make me laugh? Can you
be in a room and not absorb all the air
but kind of work yourself into it.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
I think you've nailed something so important, Chrissy. How many
people do you know? I have so many friends who
will go by this gauge. Well, I just kind of
want to see if I could bring him to a
party and if he could, like if I could leave
him alone at a party, Like can you handle being
around other people? Can you chat? Are you a fun
person to be around? And I think that's such a
smart first thing to assess about someone is just do
(29:13):
I enjoy being around you? Because ultimately, all the stuff
we're talking about, the tough stuff in life, the big
stuff in life, you're gonna want a partner who you
can laugh with and have fun with through all these big, stressful,
tough life things.
Speaker 4 (29:27):
I think also too for me, Like trust has always
been a big thing for me. So like, if I
can let you loosen a room and I can trust
you to go and be around but I know that
we're going home together and where you come back and
you check in on me, that's a.
Speaker 3 (29:40):
Big one for me.
Speaker 2 (29:42):
Agree. Oh my gosh, Chrissy. That was something that when
Chris and I we drove to our first date separately,
which I do think I recommend be safe out there,
but I don't get used to that. Hey, I kind
of knew him be for all I know, he's a
celebrity psychopath. I have no idea. I was fully on
guard even at the beginning. Hollywood's weird. But as we
found out when he TechEd, But when we he texted
(30:04):
me after and said, Hey, I just want to tell
you it's such a great time tonight and I just
wanted to make sure you made it home okay. And
that made a huge difference for me, just that he
was checking on me and.
Speaker 1 (30:13):
One of the things you and I love. And it
wasn't as much about the trust that Chrissy was mentioning.
It was more about being able to not have to
babysit each other. You and I both go into situations
where you have to work a room, or you're going
to a board meeting and you're at a cocktail event,
or I'm at a social event and I need to
(30:33):
know that you're okay without taking Well, then let me
ask you to stop, and so it's nice to know.
I can just see you across the room. We look
at each other, I'm like, oh, she's got this.
Speaker 2 (30:42):
Yeah, but is that like a second date thing? Let
me ask both.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
Yeah, it's not a first date thing.
Speaker 2 (30:45):
Okay, well that's what I wanted. What is why we're
going to wrap up here? But on the note of
first dates, what are good locations for first dates? Christy,
what do you think?
Speaker 3 (30:54):
I'm me at my boyfriend at bar trivia?
Speaker 2 (30:57):
Oh? Fun? But like you just met at him there
or that was your intentional first date?
Speaker 3 (31:02):
No, we like just met there.
Speaker 4 (31:03):
We ended up on a team together, just like from
mutual friends, and we just met there. But doing something
like that, like you know, like a bar bingo, a
bar trivia, like a karaoke or something, you're going into
a situation where you know you're going to be surrounded
by people who like doing the same things that you.
Speaker 3 (31:19):
Like to do.
Speaker 1 (31:20):
And it's good because you have an activity, but it's
not an activity that will preclude you from talking.
Speaker 3 (31:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:25):
I don't think you can do a movie on a
first date, right because first date movie silence so weird.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
And we're going to a play or it's.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
Like I'm round in the dark with this person who
I don't know, but.
Speaker 1 (31:34):
I do like like Christy's saying, you know, like karaoke
is actually very interesting because most people really suck at it,
but it's interesting is this person mean, are they cutting
everybody down? Or are they leaning into it and having
a good time. You get to kind of see someone's personality.
But it is good to have an activity, but it's
not an activity that will preclude you from talking, because
that does need to be the major activity of your
(31:55):
first aid is getting to know each other.
Speaker 2 (31:57):
I think great first date is I'm actually not a
big meat for coffee because it feels so like formal
and not. It feels like a business meeting to me.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
It feels informal to me. It feels so timed, like
we're going to be here for fifteen.
Speaker 2 (32:10):
Minutes exactly, and it's like during the day. It's not sexy.
I don't love that. I like a meat for a drink,
and you don't have to be a drinker. You can
get a mocktail, get whatever. But I like an early
evening meetup. I think that's a little less casual than
a full dinner. You know, if you're having a great time,
you can turn it into dinner.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
I want to put effort in and I want you
to put effort into seeing me. Yeah, how do you
want me to see you?
Speaker 2 (32:31):
Like get dressed up for the day?
Speaker 1 (32:32):
How are you putting on, doing your hair, doing a
little makeup, but note a.
Speaker 2 (32:35):
Nice not pig penning it.
Speaker 1 (32:36):
Yeah, yeah exactly, And like same thing for me. It's
like did he put on a jacket? Did he you know,
dress nicely? Whatever? You know, It's like, how how do
you want to be presenting yourself?
Speaker 3 (32:45):
Yeah?
Speaker 1 (32:45):
That matters to me.
Speaker 2 (32:46):
And I don't think dinner's bad. I think you can
totally do a first dinner date. And then that's a
really good way to like see someone's effort. Did you
know how much effort did they put into picking the
place and that? And what kind of place did they pick?
What are they into? But I also do like I
think things what you mentioned, Chrissy is great, Like something
that's kind of social and fun can be a great
way to get a read on someone. How do they
(33:08):
do in a group situation? How do they do with
other people? The only caveat I would say, I think
sometimes people and this is a bad way to go.
Will bring someone around their group of friends really early
as kind of this test, and I don't think that,
like it can go really great, but it feels like
not fair and it feels like too much of a test,
and some people get really nervous in those situations.
Speaker 1 (33:29):
But it feels like such a make or break moment.
Speaker 2 (33:31):
Yeah, like bring someone to like, yeah, a trivia and
I could be fun because you're just around other people,
but I wouldn't be like, You're gonna come on my
trivia team with all my very best friends from high
school who I've known forever and we have all these
inside jokes. Now I'm gonna see how you vibe. Yeah,
it feels like on a first date. Yeah wow.
Speaker 4 (33:47):
I also like a first date that's like an activity
that like where you don't have to dress up. Yeah,
let's go for let's go rafting. Let's go like let's
get on your raft or let's go for a hike
or something like let me see you dirty and sluttie,
where you're.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
Not pretending to Christ's like let's put him on the Bachelor. Oh,
it's like let's go on a hot air balloon or
let's go let's throw them off a building and go
bungee jump in.
Speaker 2 (34:11):
That's interesting though, because Chrissy's saying something totally different than us,
and maybe what that speaks to is like do you know, well,
let me ask you this, Chrissy, are you looking about
to do you think that you have to like be
aware that a person's into that or is it almost like, Hey,
I like hiking and I got to see if you
can vibe or would you like sess them out first
and be like are you in a hiking? Is this
a good idea?
Speaker 4 (34:31):
I think that like when you're doing something like that,
it's very raw and that like I've had I lived
in La long enough to know and have enough first
dates to know that like the person showing up for
my dinner in La in his nice suit jacket was
really the guy who was home and like his you know,
pajama pants on a regular basis interesting, like.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
They presented themselves in a way that wasn't who.
Speaker 2 (34:55):
They really liked.
Speaker 1 (34:57):
Two, Like if we had a nice first date after
dinner whatever, be like Okay, now let's go to run
in canyon and do the thing or whatever.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
Actually, I do think you and I went on a
hike on one of our Like, we totally did, because we
actually this. I don't think I've ever told this story
a friend someone you remember this.
Speaker 1 (35:13):
We're trying to be secret.
Speaker 2 (35:14):
We're still secretive. And a friend saw you with me
that it was so far away that they didn't know
it was me, and they literally texted me and said,
you won't believe this. I saw Chris Harrison on a
date with someone earlier, but I could but they were like,
but it was it was from far away. I don't
know who it was, but like I was just like, yeah, weird,
(35:36):
I don't know.
Speaker 3 (35:37):
It was crazy.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
And then we got scared of going on public. Okay, okay,
gick greecap heres we quick recap. I think be energetic,
be excited, as you noted right out the gate.
Speaker 1 (35:49):
Yeah, come in, come in hot, come in confident, come
in happy.
Speaker 2 (35:53):
Come in polite. Number two, be kind, gentlemanly, put your
phone away, be nice to servers, ask questions, Ask ask questions,
ask a follow up, and then share a story about yourself.
Speaker 1 (36:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:05):
I also think be open. Don't judge somebody on these
little tiny things. Be open, know that their nervous, be human.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
And again, the first date can't mean everything.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
It can't mean everything. If they get a seven out
of ten or above, I'd say go for a second day.
Speaker 1 (36:22):
This can be the start of something beautiful, but it
can't be your entire life into this one dinner or
one coffee or one rafting trip with Chrissy.
Speaker 2 (36:30):
And I think stick to topics where you can just get
to know them as a person before you get to
know all their opinions on everything in the world. There
you go, all right, Well this was great, Christy, Thanks
you worked. You know what. I'll end this by saying
I would always give a second date. Second date doesn't
go great, I'd say you can be done.
Speaker 1 (36:46):
Thank you for the be minus B plus on our
first date, and thank you for joining us. Always enjoy
talking to you. We will do it again next time
because we have a lot more to talk about. Thanks
for listening. Follow us on Instagram at the most dramatic
pod ever and make sure to write us a review
and leave us five stars. I'll talk to you next time.
Hosts And Creators
Lauren Zima
Chris Harrison
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