#159 Bit By Bees

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The Nicker. Here's Nikki. Hello here, I am welcome to
the Nicki Glazer Podcast. It's Tuesday. It feels like Sunday.
I don't know what it feels like if you cannot

(00:20):
believe it's Tuesday. Times been weird lately. I don't know why.
Really for you too, Yeah, I don't maybe moving in
Oh Macron, I don't know. God, I slept. I was
supposed to get up at eight today or it's like
seven thirty. I think my arm was four and I
slept till. What were you going to do? With so

(00:40):
much to do? You know? It's like I I have
honestly so many things that now I can't do today
because I have to go get botox and micro needling
and potential filler. I'm just like, I'm almost oppressed at
the idea of getting all this stuff done today. But
it's like, you need to do it because my face
is old and I'm about to be on TV like

(01:02):
a lot. It's so insane. And I was watching The
Bachelor Atte last night. These twenty something. First of all,
they've aged up on the Bachelor Atte. Everyone's I think
the median age, which I could also say average because
those two things mean nothing different to me. I know
median is if like, if you list them all out,
it's like the middle one. I think that does that

(01:23):
mean you the mean equals average, So you meant to
say mean, well, I just said media. I bet it
would be the same. Sometimes they are the same. Sometimes
they're different, which is wild. What do you have in
the middle, Yes, well there's definitely not ninety sevens in
the middle of that of ages. Um. I just kept pushing,

(01:43):
putting my own face, like like if I got out
of the car, how different I would look? What I
look like? The old Because at one point an old
woman gets out of the car and it's like, oh,
it's the old woman. She was the driver, she was
she was for the Next Bachelor at they're doing like
the senior edition. She was going to need a ramp,

(02:04):
there's no steps over a wheelchair. I just love like
going really old, Like we're going to do the senior Edition,
and I mean, what is the senior edition something? Yeah,
she's really You think they would call it the senior
edition if it was just people in their forties, Yeah,
that would be that would be funny if they called

(02:24):
it that. But they're not funny. Oh yeah, that's true,
but so several. Do you think senior can sometimes mean
people in their forties, like a senior citizen can mean
someone in their forties unless you're being funny back in
the day, what one day you know? Today we all
know it. But all these girls that are seven mean

(02:46):
mean age of twenty eight, by the way, is what
I meant to say, which is so different than it
used to be. By the way, they used to have
eighteen year olds on The Bachelor, and I would say
two years ago you would look at the somewhat average
out their ages from the Bachelorette into that in sixteen
versus this this batch of them and let's see what
we get. Someone else do that. I don't have time

(03:06):
for it. Well, I kind of want to do it, though.
Do you think the idea that used to be and
more independent woman nowadays, the longer they're waiting to get married,
I think they're demo is aging they need to like
and they're smart. They listen to me because I said,
I don't want to watch twenty two year olds pretend
like they're gonna get married year olds. Okay, sure, you're

(03:31):
still a little naive, but I can at least buy
that you've been through some ship and you're gonna get
more interesting people that have been through stuff, that have excess,
that have baggage, that have history. Like they're bringing more
to work with on the show. Yeah, it's not fifth Wheel,
it's not a limit date. It's not shipwreck. You know,
this is the Bachelor, and they're gonna get married, like

(03:52):
you have to get married, you have to get engaged.
By the way, the guy who hosts the new host
of The Bachelor, Bachelor, his name is fun what's his name?
Almost a Jesse Owens and that is not it. That's
a black back in the day when Jesse Palmer. You

(04:14):
know who that is? Oh, the football player. Yes, now
I thought they hired a black guy, you would think,
but they didn't. They hired this guy who looks like thick,
Robin Thick. He does look like Robin, really thick. And
then I know he gets his hair cut. He played
for the Gators, he played quarterback. He's you know, he's

(04:37):
an attractive guy. He gets his haircut where I get
my hair He's an attractive man. He could be a bachelor. Yeah,
David Letterman gets his haircut there too, right, Yeah, the
same guy that I get my hair cut with. Don't
touch the beard, he tells the guy, Okay, and don't
talk to me and don't look at me in the
eyes now. Uh. Clayton, Clayton, Clayton. That's how the girls
stayed on the show. Clayton Clayton. Clayton Eckard is a

(05:01):
football player. He is the bachelor. He is identical to
the host. It's like you're watching a father and son
on the show. To get this guy, does he look
like a young Allan Thick. Let's see. Hold on, I'll
do it. I'll try to do a side by side here.
To me, I'm sorry. If I were someone who wasn't white,

(05:23):
I'd go all white people look the same. If I
looked at these two, I mean they have a similar haircut.
They're both tall, white men, athletic, big, big builds. It
looks like Jesse's a little bit older than him. It's
and Jesse was a past bachelor, by the way, working
on by the way is from St. Louis, Eureka from Clayton,
so f boy being on that set. Look at them

(05:46):
side by side, Holy sh it. Then Clayton is huge
because Palmer is about six two six three. He's giant.
His arms look like he looks like stretch arm strong.
It looks like his arms don't make sense. Kept being
like does he get you and water do not? He's
like one of those little sponge dinosaurs. He was a
capsule when they first art out of the show. I

(06:07):
love those little so much. I don't know why you
still do. No. I did back then put in the
capsule and water. That's that was our TikTok. It's like,
look at it, go look at it, go look at that.
It's a staging swords. Because you thought that like maybe
your parents could change, like yeah, it's a little good,

(06:29):
or I could grow, I could go through puberty. Oh
that your penis could turn from go to a capsule
to a six. That's why I put it in water
all the time. I would just dip it for hours
and be like turned into a brown swords. Oh, you
were a little boy. You probably did think like maybe
I can you like watching things grow. Those things were cool.
All of a sudden it would go from like healthy
like Jurassic Park. I mean it's unbelievable. Okay, wait, baths

(06:55):
as a kid, baths, baths who bathed to you as
a child. Um, I think, uh, I don't know. I
took a lot of jet I suck the jets, you
know that. So I did take a lot of baths.
We had an indoor jacuzzi, so I sucked those all
the time. And I don't know if I put soap
on you did it? I just put I was still

(07:19):
dry from the top half. God, because I was just
the jets on my knees. Oh god. And then you
were just bathing in a pool of Like, dude, would
you come No, I tried. This is pre dinosaur. This
is prey before I developed. Yeah, back in the pill

(07:39):
day when I was just a pill. Wait what we're talking? Oh, fay.
Every if you're short on these shows, the chances of
you winning is like six, Like because you when you're
standing next to these tall guys in a lineup, I
just don't think you can win. I don't think you
can win. I want to see the height winners. It's

(08:01):
probably like the presidents. They're all probably above five eleven. Yeah.
I think we as a woman that like short, that
is not opposed to dating shorter men. I don't, I don't.
I don't know. It is true that women seem to prefer.
Society seems to prefer saying, especially in a game like
this where they're all lined up next to each other, Yeah,

(08:23):
I mean that's true. I don't know. I'm trying to
like play the card of like, well, if you're a
woman and you're sucking even slightly ugly, but then also
if you're a man in your I guess if you're
in a lineup and you're ugly, you're you're more funed
in regular world where you don't have this literally line
up next to the part even you know it's going

(08:45):
to kill you. Like if if you only meet one
person in your life and they're ugly, you'll think they're
the most beautiful person you've ever met, because they are
because they're the only person you've ever met. So okay,
how about this you go on a dating app and
instead of one at a time, it's ten up there
at a time, and you pick the one that's the
most tried to see you out of the lineup. I
like this, So then nine, I would say out of

(09:07):
those tendo, probably six if they were singles, would get swiped, right,
because you would fuck them because but if you compare
all ten, no, I think if you're a man, probably
six of them with swite. As a woman, you're swiping
left on everyone because they're just I mean, that's just
the way I do it. No, you never were really
doing the apps. I would have loved you. Did it

(09:28):
was okay? Were you swiping left a lot? Oh so much? Yeah?
So much? Yeah if they weren't into metallica and sucking
on nipples? Heart, Have you told av yet that you
want your nipples black and blue? No? Not yet. Will
you let us know when you do? Please? Do? Well

(09:49):
know she'll have a pep in her step and a
and a band aid on her braising out of my
shirt black. And the women on the show who are
all around have all had filler and things in their face.
To the point, and I've said this before because it

(10:10):
has been happening for several years. Young women now have
surgically different faces that you're talking about comparison. Your mind
starts seeing things differently like you. If we can, I
would love to look at faces of the Bachelor before
filler and botox went bananas, because women's normal faces. We

(10:33):
just don't see him often anymore. You see him in
the Midwest a little bit more become human filters. Yeah,
we've filtered our own faces in real life. The women.
I mean, if you what is it about a woman
that hates showing an expression in their forehead? Like what?
I just want to get behind the psychology behind it,
because it's wrinkles and wrinkles have always been associated with age.

(10:56):
Right there you go, That's all it is there? When
are you stay? Hang out with Jennifer Lawrence, she would
be like, seriously, stop making me laugh, stop it and
she would hold her face so that it wouldn't wrinkle.
Oh wow. Also, Kim Gardashian the same way, doesn't smile
in pictures because of wrinkles, of wrinkles in her eyes

(11:16):
of anywhere, Like you get them here anymore. Sun is done,
smiling is done, bun is done, expressions are done. I
don't mind a slight, but I want to take away
a little bit of it. And no, because you you
you look at older women and they have more wrinkles

(11:38):
on their face. That's when you start showing wrinkles on
your face. You just start going crazy. And everything you
see on Instagram is filtered or the women have worked one.
So you're comparing yourself to women who have worked one
if everyone just started looking like you know that um
twilight zone where everyone has a pig face and then
the woman is they are like, we tried to operate

(11:59):
to get her by to normal, and it's her face
and she's beautiful, and they're like, it's horrible. It's just
like everyone can look these surgical faces. I think if
they were you were placed in the nineties, you would
look insane. But now it's everything we see in magazines
and like everything's adapted to that. So like having a
Kardashian face like filled cheekbones, kind of like like a

(12:24):
wind blown cat, like a cat in a um in
one of those skydiving machines, a cat with g forces
being applied to its face is what everyone's going for now.
There's a thing called a ponytail lift that's for younger
women to get a facelift. Women, and they're like late
thirties and forties called a ponytail lift. Look at the

(12:44):
befores and afters and tell me that is not insanely good.
It's like if you put a ponytail in tight, yeah,
and it lifts everything to just go like this, Like
right now, do you think your face is tighter? Because
you're in a ponytail. No, I mean, now I don't
think it is at all, But because it's not, you
look at your face? What do you Sometimes I think

(13:04):
women see things that they think society sees, and one
looking that closely, then um, what do you see that?
My eyes are going down? Here? I see that my
cheeks are kind of everything's being pulled down kind of,
and I just want like a lift. I tried sleeping
upside down. I know that's what apparently crazy to get dollars.

(13:31):
Where did you hear this? Really? I don't know if
someone told to me that once and that just like
stuck with me. I think he actually doesn't sleep up
to it and he sleeps sitting straight up so that
there's no but it's not. Yeah, look there are days
where my face I'll look in the mirror and go,

(13:52):
that's on my face because I'll eat too much sodium
or you know back in the day when I would
drink you know, back in the day. No, but and
then like I'd wait cubing, like I'd be like, who
the fuck is like my face? You see it all?
But then to think that's my face because that day
it's bad, I think That's when you start getting in trouble.
When you start looking at your face every day, become

(14:13):
a person that's on TV and yeah, and everyone on
the show is ten years younger than you, and you
start getting a little cuckoo, and then you get stuffed
under your face and then people go, look at her face.
It looks so bad. But guess what. Sometimes when I
have stuffed into my face, everyone goes, You're you look amazing?

(14:33):
What's going on? So don't act like you out there?
Don't act like you do. You don't know when people
have had stuff done to the face. Ariana Grande has
had a ponytail left allegedly. That's where I first heard
about it because I read on this blog that, you know,
on subreddits where all these people are weighing in about
what celebrities have had seblastic surgery and not talked about it,

(14:54):
which is everyone. They were saying that some doctor kind
of outed Beyonce and got like death threats from the
bee Hive of like, you don't say our queen has
said plastic surgery. And then they also said with pretty
good evidence that um, little little Ariana Grande had a
ponytail lift. And then I told Matt you were going

(15:15):
to say little grande, little grand Well, she uh, she
got a I told that she had a ponytail lift
to Anya and Matt. Anya's boyfriend Matt Pond and he
was like, but isn't her hair always in a ponytail?
And I'm like, it's kind of funny of anyone to
get a ponytail lifts. It looked good. She's been doing
her whole life. So today I'm supposed to go get MICRANI.

(15:36):
You know you've had that right, Yes, No, I'm going
to my place I did normally go. That's I don't
need to see Brenna when I'm checking out personally. I
don't want to go there because I don't want to
have the place I go. There's a woman that's my age.
I don't want to see. I love Brenna. I don't
want to see her go like, you look great and
my face is bloodied and has pin pricks, and I'm like,

(15:59):
do I look like you? Yet? I don't want that ship.
I know she can save me. I don't need it. Alright, alright, um,
but if you are, if you don't mind that, go
over there. No wait, so wait, so then what are
you getting done. I'm getting done botox, which I've always done.
Uh yeah, I get it around my forehead. I do
sometimes I do a lip flip, which it just like

(16:21):
goes here and it makes your lip because the filler
with girls. There's a girl on the Bachelor right now.
Let me look up her face so you can see
who I'm talking. Actually I don't want to. She has
blonde hair, she has no upper lip, but she got
lip filler. And because I don't know how Kylie Jenner
did it. How she went from having my lip upper
lip which was even worse, so she had like that.
What have you seen Kylie lately? It's not it's not good,

(16:43):
I know, but her lip looks really like her lip
when she first got done and used to look really
full and like almost natural, you know. Um, And I
don't know how to get that look because I've gotten
filler in my lip and it just makes you look
like you have like a plate in your lip, like
it looks like platyplus not even no bit by Bees
would honestly look b B B b b b Byes

(17:05):
is my favorite band that's like co headlining all the
palooza they're doing. They're they're making it. It's in the
stream world. But yeah, bit by bees um so I
love their song called you Ain't Alone Baby Cakes, baby Cakes,
You Ain't Alone baby Cakes is honestly was supposed to
be their single off their first track, but I love

(17:25):
that it got buried. But um, it clearly should have
been a single. That's what they said, That's what they had.
Railroads Scarf, Yeah, We're road Scarf was dope though it was,
but it wasn't what there. It didn't like really represent
what their sound was about on their album. It was
a little up, be a little hard, a little like
intense as opposed to I Love You Baby Cakes. Yeah,

(17:47):
you know it just you know those songs where it
just is like I went to to live in room.
We're watching in Kansas, though, was probably my favorite album.
We could do this all day. My favorite thing. They
were right shooting themselves, but I really enjoyed it. Dude
shooting themselves. Is was also that hidden tracks shooting themselves

(18:09):
that you can find on vinyl tape. Dude me and
Chris the other day we're doing um barbon kat, do
you know? Or what's the they were on. It was
Fred Armison and Kristen Wiggs characters No, no, no, they
were Fred Armison and Kristen Wiggs characters on Barb Barbon
something um and Seth Seth Myers was the correspondent we

(18:32):
can update and used to be bring on Barbon whoever.
Fred Armison and Kristen Wigg, and they would do the
thing where they're like they're they're debuting a new song.
They're like a couple that has like holiday songs, and
they're just really cheesy. They were only Christmas sweaters and
the like, Um, they're always out of breath because they
forgot that their segment was that week, and so it's

(18:53):
clear that they're just making up these songs. And then
they just go like, well holiday here already, and we're
going to Kristen Wig. So Fred is leading it in
Kristin Wiggs. So funny Barbon calf. If you want to

(19:14):
have a good time, just pull up those clips. And
I was saying that you are so good at that,
at repeating people and getting I'm not as good. Every
time I'm in a fight with Brenna, you start, I
start doing it and she goes, you're doing this to
get me to shut up, And I'm literally going. You're
doing this to get me to shut It would get physical.

(19:39):
You know what I'm good at? That I'm really good
at and I do the mouth for it. Can we
try it? Hey, everybody, thank you for coming out. I
love everything about this world. This world is unbelievable. It
has water, it has land, mountains and valleys. When I

(20:01):
was a boy, we would travel to Nebraska to look
at the whales watching, and turns out they were in Kansas.
Bit by bit, I realized I should start a piece.
You gotta get to a break in the badoon. We're back.
It's the news. Let's get it to it. Yesterday, No,

(20:28):
we did it because it wasn't working. So they heard it,
but we didn't really, And I'm living in a time.
It's tuesday, vols. You know what that means. It is tuesday. No,
didn't you do that yesterday? It means Bob's dead? Yeah,
I did that, happened yesterday. We could just keep doing
it because he's last night. So I wrote a song

(20:49):
for Bob sagett I, well, Matt wrote a song, and
then I that I. So I'm recording music this week
at a recording studio, and I'm just doing it as
like a make a wish for myself just I'm not
gonna yeah, have all this was. I'm not gonna like
I have no there's no guarantee I'm going to release anything.
But I'm paying thousands of dollars to just have this

(21:11):
experience and see if I can do it. And every
time I go on Instagram Live, people are like, we
want an album, and I'm like, I need a lot
of practice before I release anything. But yesterday I was
going to record We recorded two songs on Sunday, and
then yesterday we were going to record two more and
I was listening to one of the tracks that we
were going to record, and um, he wrote it about
me and a Meal being stuck in an earthquake Vegas.

(21:37):
But we were, we were together, you were on stage,
so you were you know, you're the the ten minute
version of the song that we're never gonna release that
I'm going to perform on s and now two thirty
three Andrews on the stage. I don't care. I was
heading back from couples therapy yesterday headed to the studio

(21:57):
and I was like listening to the song and I
was getting so I was sad about Bob and which
is one of about my favorite bit by bees like
EPs that just a drum machine. I know he did,
and he did it all on that. By the way,
did you know that the weekend was when they were

(22:19):
supposed to finish it? That? But you thought I was
going to say the weekend? The guy was no, No,
I didn't. I knew exactly what you're doing, Okay. So
I was listening to the song and I was like,
I love this song. I love that it reminds me
of like me and a meal underneath this like table.
It's like a beautiful song, but it was like there's
like a sadness to it. I was like, oh, and
and Chris had texted me, you know, the night Bob died, like, hey,

(22:41):
you're recording music this week, you should maybe think about
maybe writing a song about Bob and don't And uh
it's so I know that movie is great. So I said, um, yeah,
that's a good idea, but like to write a song,
I don't know, like we already have all like a
Levin songs written that I'm recording this week. And then

(23:02):
I was like, oh, wait, this song would be good.
Maybe I can rewrite the lyrics. So I wrote Matt.
I was like, hey, Matt, can I change the lyrics
to this and making about Bob Sagett And he was like,
I don't care. Yeah, totally. So I wrote all new
lyrics and it actually fit perfectly because the first verses,
like the last earthquake was in Las Vegas. We were

(23:22):
cracking jokes and it's about the earthquake, and so I
was like, oh my god, the last time I hung
up with Bob was in Milwaukee, and so I was like,
the last our last run in was in Milwaukee. We
were cracking jokes. So it just fitted. And then the
rest of it and it's so pretty. So when I
was recording yesterday, the there's this there's this bridge part

(23:44):
that it's like um uh King of Fatherhood, King of Fatherhood,
um something something uh. I forget the lyric, but it's like, um,
when I was down, you brought me up, um, King
of Fatherhood, someone to trust. When I was down, you
brought me up. And I just like couldn't. For some reason,

(24:06):
I was trying to think of it so that I
could have the emotion in the song. But then I
started like I couldn't. I started like crying and it
was so nice that people I'm recording with like take
a break, and so I I at first I was
like I just want to, like not because if I bawled,
my voice is all going to be like weird. And
so I was like, no, I got it. Let me
just keep going, and that I was just like your father.

(24:27):
I was like, look, look, so we took a break.
They were all so nice, and then we they went
to Starbucks, took like an hour break, and then we
came back and I was like, I'm ready, and then
then I was fine. I was like I had cried
and was good to got out of my system, went
through the whole song, and then at the end there's
like it's it's just really sad. It's just like me
talking to a god person being like, please don't hurt

(24:48):
the people I love, Please don't take anyone, and all
this stuff, which was already the lyrics of the song
original one, so I got to keep the chorus and um.
And so I finished it and I'm like, please don't
take anyone. And then usually like when you finished, they're like, great,
oh my god, that was awesome. All right, so let's
move on. And I knew it was the last take

(25:08):
so I'm like, please don't take anyone and it was
just like quiet, and they're in the next room and
I'm just like and they're like, uh, we're kind of
emotional over here, like they all cried. It was so
sweet and at that point I was like, you fucking pussies,
get you know. It was really nice that I was
able to. That's why I think it's special. I'm going

(25:30):
to release it because because like, I don't care if
it's not good, because it's just it doesn't have to
be because it's just about friendship and I think that
people can put their own thing onto it. And I
think that Bob would have would love it. And it's
so nice that Bob actually his death got me to
release something before I felt ready to. And yeah, so

(25:55):
that's my news today. I'm sorry. I just no, No,
it's fine that you hijacked because the first word is
about a terrorist? That is it really that? Um? See
what was I gonna say? But why not have that
same like I do the same thing, but like you're like,
I can release it because of this because I think

(26:19):
people thinking I think I'm cool or thinking I think
I'm good. I just I don't know why Like the
other day when I posted that Woody Harrelson picture, I
had to like make a million caveats of like, I
don't think I'm special. I know this is a humble
break because the thing is it was it was when yes,
did Jim Norton post I don't even know what that
the one about, Um, I don't know the guy that

(26:43):
died the dedication post did you want to? Because I
felt like you posted that and then you were like, oh,
let me give an anecdote about my life like with
the celebrity. Oh that didn't even collect to me. But yeah,
Jim Norton's post about Cindy Poartier was so funny. No,
it wasn't that at all. In my head, it was
just I want to share this thing that is a
little braggy that I got to meet this really famous person.

(27:04):
I was also used to be friends with this famous person.
There's no context for it on Instagram when you post
something there was no Woody Harrison didn't die, like, you know,
I could have sat on that until there's a Woody
Harrison won an award or something. So it seems like, oh,
this is that's why I'm doing it, you know, like
me releasing this song. It's a little self serving. I
sound good on it. I think I kind of sound good.

(27:25):
It's a song I wrote, but because it's about Bob
Saggett and he died, I have an excuse. But when
I posted a picture Woody Harrison apropos of nothing on
a random Sunday after Saturday afternoon, that to me seems
just like there's no I have to tell. I have
to admit this is just a humble brag, and then
I have to get and I'm I'm one of these

(27:47):
people that the humble brag that gets more likes than
even not a humble But you know what it's like, Well,
it's not about getting likes. I wasn't doing that to
get likes. But why why post anything? Because I was
posting it because I look good in the picture. I'm
bragging that I got to meet what you like. But

(28:08):
the humblebragg did not get me more likes. I don't
think I think it does because I think acknowledging well,
if it did, then that is sincere likes that I
can accept, whereas the ones that would just be because
I met what he Harlson, I would not accept it's
almost like this podcast. When people like my stand up
to me, I feel like I'm tricking people because it's

(28:29):
a performance. It's a little bit more curated. I can't
accept the compliments as much I do and I acknowledge them.
But when people like the podcast and like me on
the podcast, that fucking straight to the heart. The other
one goes through like my foot and like goes to
the side because of the bunyan and travels up and
it's all like it's it's a I get shot because

(28:49):
it's like a friendly like a you know, it's I
don't It doesn't sink in. But because the people that
like the podcast, I'm not trying nothing on here is
me trying to be anything get myself. Whereas that caption
where I'm saying I have a roommate, I live in St.
Louis and I drive my mom's car, that that is
the real me admitting that and me being like a

(29:12):
lot of people were like, you seem unhinged, and I'm like,
that's the real me. I am. I'm a little and
I liked that A special or you know, a bit
by bees forth coming out is actually I didn't want
to tell anyone but do you talk to them still?
You talk to Trevor Andrew's friends with the basis from

(29:33):
bit by Bees and he didn't want to brag about it,
but I will do it for him anyway. We gotta
get to the news. But I do want to say though,
when you humble bragg um, I just that is me
to throw in the caveat. It's just who I am.
Bo Burnham. I've talked about this before on his special.
It annoyed me how much he had to call out
what he was doing all the time. It's self awareness

(29:54):
to a degree that is almost exhausting. But that's me, babe,
Let's me, and you know it's not me as posting
put picture of myself with Woody Harrelson acting like that
that's my normal life because it ain't. Baby, and as
a woman and as a girl that used to when
I was young, get very triggered by like cut. Everyone's
life is so much better than mine. I really think

(30:16):
it is up to us, when we're presenting something that
is not a normal representation of our life, to call
it out for people who might be struggling with that
comparison thing. Because if someone if I saw like one
of my the women that I look up to or like,
you know, compare myself to posting something and then at

(30:36):
the end they go, here's the real story. I did
the while I was writing this, I was eating oatmeal.
I spilled it on my computer and you know something gross.
It would take me out of it and go, listen,
she's just like you and I I needed that so
much as a kid, and I wish there would have
been more of she's just like you. So I always
try to add a layer of that, not so I

(30:57):
can be like I'm the norm. I'm in the every
woman like me. It's because I'm talking to myself that
used to go, wow, she's killing it. Because if I
haven't bought my head tomorrow and I go on my
Instagram and I don't know, say, I don't know who
I am, and I look at this girl and I
see her, I'm gonna get a little jealous of myself
sometimes because it is on Instagram. It's not representing my

(31:18):
real life. So I just feel like it is up
to us to have a Surgeon General's warrant of our
real life. I agree with that. I just think like
the photo in itself, not just with Woody Haroldson. But
does any photo where you look hot, or where you
where a celebrity, or like if my body looks good
or whatever, and then you write the caption, it's like
what you It's like when I used to like put

(31:39):
up funny things where my where I looked attractive. Still
but but listen, the photo is already getting people to
be the funny thing. You're not being sincere. You're being funny.
You're not saying I'm being now if you had a
caption that I'm being funny right now, so I can
post a hot picture that's sincere. Yeah, but I think
that's implied already before even writing it all out. That's

(32:00):
my point sometimes, but it's not okay. But if you
just put up that picture of Woody Harrison and go
here I am with my celebrity friend that I just
met yesterday, that's another way of doing exactly what I did. Well,
that's how is that different? I just it's a different
presentation of it. I just feel like that the nuances
are already understood that here I am. Obviously I'm not

(32:24):
going to put up a picture where I looked It's
just a different joke, Like it's the same joke, but
it's a different way of presenting it. It's just as
funny and possibly shorter. But I also like that I
talk like that anyway. I just if you don't like it,
like a lot of people are like, I do not
like this. This is a crazy woman. I'm like. I
even sent it to Chris before I posted it because

(32:44):
I was like, I felt crazy, and I'm like, do
you like me after me? Do you still? Do you
still like me? Do you think this is representative of
the way I am? And He's like, you do not
need to write all that, Like you are enough, just
like people don't need to know that you throw yourself
under the bus too much. But I I love it's
very much. And so when I checked with him, I've

(33:05):
been checking with him a lot on things. I got
asked to do a naked photo shoot yesterday from magazine,
and I don't know if I'm gonna be able to
do it. No, I'm so excited. You know. That's why
I did Dancing with the Stars because you guys were
like outfits. You get to be so hot, and I
was like yes, um, and I it's coming, it's like soon,
so there's no me getting in shape for it, and

(33:27):
there wouldn't be anyway. And let me just say, my
body isn't the best it's ever been. But I'm just
like whatever, um and it's it's. And I got asked
to do it from my publicist just to ask if
I would be interested in receiving the invite for it,
because they weren't even gonna send the offer if i'd
never post news. She's texted me. She was like, would
you pose nude for like a tasteful thing where you'd

(33:48):
be covered up, you know, on your asshole? Only my asshole?
So is gonna be from Uh it's gonna be uh yes?
What is it called? When you are you going to show? Come? Uh? Yeah?
So anyway, I don't know that of me to be
able to do it. But I was like, I asked

(34:10):
my you know, not my boyfriend, but the guy that
I'm very close to is being my boyfriend. I asked him.
I was like, I didn't ask him. I didn't go,
no kidding, I go. It wasn't like I was asking
permission because he goes, were you asking like my if
I would have said, did you think I was going
to say no? And I was like, no, I didn't
think I would still do it, but I just wanted
to gauge, like because he's just kind of a good

(34:30):
arbiter of like this isn't you. He'll let me do
anything that's truly me, or like not let me, but
like give the okay, I guess that still sounds like
a passing permission. I promise you I'm not um But
he was like fuck yes to it, like he wants
me to do a topless special. He's like that would
be so funny and cool, like just saying fuck it,
like men can be Bert christ Er can do it.

(34:51):
You should do it. And I've got slightly bigger tits
than Burt and m And he was like yes. He
was like this is awesome, and publication is like a good,
it's a good. It's up there with like it's not Maxim,
you know which I would gladly do. Maxim reach out
to me when you do the senior edition um or

(35:13):
like f A F f A h M? Is that
was that the old one. I would even do fucking Playboy.
I would do it. I would, but it was nice
to get the from the person who you know sees
me naked most and it's probably a little bit proprietary
about my nakedness and me giving that away to the world.
He was like, fuck, yeah, you look amazing, like put

(35:34):
it out there. And he was like, is this gonna
make you kind of like he was a little worried
about eating sort of stuff, like is this gonna make
you do some things? And I was like, honestly, I
would do the shoot right now. And I had just
eaten like so much Thai food. I was just like,
they can. They're gonna tweak anything that I would have
a problem with My body would be like a skin. Well,
how new are we talking? Are we talking like I'm
gonna do the Jennifer Aniston this where she's sitting like this, Yeah,

(35:57):
and she had her tids out. She said, yeah, yeah,
it's it's she's naked, but it's like this, and so
you see she's blocking her vagina with her leg. You
would need a bigger leg though, I have a bigger leon,
so we're good, I know, but right, but my leg
is also bigger anyway, um, and I'm gonna have my

(36:20):
style the Rachel Okay first News story. Seriously, Noah is
like getting hives. No we have you don't care? Okay, God,
here are some expert approved tips for masturbation without a
vibrator for women. You ready, try a diagonal diagonal, oh boy,

(36:42):
pterodactyl stroke. Imagine that there's a clock over your clitterers
with Okay, hold on with the twelve closer to your
anus and the sixth closer to your belly button, so
it's clock like you're if you placed the clock. Okay, okay,
and then stroke from one to seven if you're righty,
or eleven to five if you're a lefty. Use one

(37:03):
finger to run circles around your clours without touching it directly. Interesting, Okay,
I'll run circles around my clas it sounds like I'm like, oh,
I'll fucking kick your ass. Alright, I'll finger You're alright.
Try rubbing your curs with one finger, two fingers, three fingers,

(37:25):
four fingers and your no no, no, no, no, it's
nothing about you. It's just you don't have a clitterus.
You know, before the sponge soaked up the water, it
kind of looked like one. Um. You know what when
you are doing a manual clatoral rub as you with
your fingers, which I'm thinking you've done before. Of course, Okay,

(37:45):
do do you um lift up the hood? No, it's
too and it's too like intense. Oh so you do
it with hood on you you you pet the turtle
with the shell still on. Correct, I need to lift
up the hood. My clip is so it looks like

(38:07):
a from the start though, or like after you've worked
on them, you know, like I don't really fucking I
don't even do four play with myself. I'm like, let's
just jump on in. But my hood is I have
a significant hood and my clip is the size of
a um, you know, like a little like a not
a um. What are the grains that you buy that

(38:30):
are like orange that are perfect circles, lentil or like
a lentil, they're the size of a lentil, a dried lentil.
I think so s lentil. And that's not a huge hood,
but it's like it's it looks like a piece of
bubble gum, like a little person in a clan outfit.
I really want to do a thing for my boyfriend

(38:51):
because when I blow dry my hair, I look at
my vagina sometimes because it's out and my lips hold
fold like so my hood is here and then my
lips go are like you know, coming out sometimes like
my majora. But they hang down probably like a half
of a quarter whatever that is like a third of
an inch down. But if I pull them enough, they

(39:12):
can go down to like, you know, a little bit more.
And it looks like a bunny rabbit so much because
the way I'm looking at it looks like like it's
just like, hey, and for Easter. I don't want to
put a nose and a little I want to like,
I want to make it an Easter bunny for Easter
and say like happy Easter, which I don't think you'll
even like because it's like that instance of humor. But

(39:34):
he's the only person I could ever show that too.
Maybe my friend you better get on that WhatsApp chat
again around Easter, noah, because she kind of like fell
off the WhatsApp chat. But like you gotta get around
to Easter because that's where I'll put it. Okay, deal,
But yeah, so you lift the hood. I'm wondering if
our listeners left the hood all right? Let us know,
if you get size bean, would you say you're your

(39:57):
clip is no uh maybe like like a shrunken navy
bean or something like that Okay, so it fought for
our country or like a like a like a Pinto
does your does your no? But like mine decides like

(40:17):
a Pinto car does yours? Ever hide in your body
like because it's like it's too like mine. Sometimes I'm
about to come and then it literally will go not
a girl, and it will go in and I can't
fucking find it. That happens with my dig not into
my body, but it will goes soft right when I'm
gonna come, which is kind of weird. Mine hides like no,

(40:40):
it's like me trying to give Luigi a bath, Like
the second he senses it comes out when it's like, oh,
my voice is up here, and it seems like I'm
like over by the cabinets where the treats are. But
then the second that I run the water, it's like,
I wonder. And that's why that one thing I showed
on the show one time that you like clip your
clip to make it like exposed, it was actually I'm

(41:02):
going to try that again, but I think I was
clipping it on it instead of around it, um because
it always retreats. Okay, what are some more tactics because
I need a try and then around and then start
with one. Get all the way to four fingers, and
then if you're a six finger person, get weird using
two fingers placed one on each side of your clips,

(41:23):
rub up and down. You can also try a side
to side tap your clators with one to two fingers
tap technique, tap au keep your underwear on. You could
also try this with a rougher fabric like jeans. Oh
I love that's Hey, is this talking about my joke?
Will you use the little the little button on the
pull your outer labia together and rub your clatres through

(41:46):
the folds of your skin? Okay into this? Yeah, I've
never tried any of that. I ate a girl's jeans
one time, blowjob once. It's so funny. One guy once
told me that he was at a strip club and
getting a lap dance back where things were like kind

(42:07):
of happening back there where she was offering maybe more
money for other things, and he's like no, no, no,
but she threw his jeans like he was hard and
like bit his penis through his jeans and was just
like and like breathed on it. I do that to
my man all the time. I love. It's an over
the pants blow try to actually suck a dick through jeans.
Like and also, guys, I think this is a cool

(42:29):
trick to say no, you don't get it unless you
work for it, and like, try to suck my dick
through my jeans and make the girl will be so
like it's like a game if you make things games
for women where you're just not giving it because guys
take out their dicks so soon, we never have like
I want it. If you make us beg for things,
when you finally give it to us, will be so

(42:51):
into it, more so than you've ever seen us. I
think it's maybe put on another pair of jeans. Of jeans, yeah,
do um never nude. It is interesting in a guy
that's not circumcised. So there there they have a hood.
They have a hood. Maybe it feels good to play
with the head of your cock through underwear. I guess

(43:11):
you could use your underwear if you don't have one.
I love when I masturbate. I think for some if
I'm ever doing like hand stuff, if if a guy
is starting down their hand stuff through my jeans and
then my leaving my underwear on to the side, like
not doing directly, all of that is so good. You
can do really firm pressure all you can go right

(43:31):
in with firm pressure when you leave on that stuff.
But that's just a good way to get a girl
warmed up. If I could give any advice to men
hooking up, which is a fumbly thing to do in
the beginning, less is more like don't like like the
teasing thing gets kind of annoying after a while and
it's not as hot. But if you go like hard
but with like clothes on, that's very interesting. That's that

(43:53):
can be very fun because the girls like, just fuck
me already, and like you just won't and go, I
don't think you deserve it at and she'll be like,
what do you want? And you go, I guess I'll
know what when I see it. And then the girl
will just make it a fun game. It's so hot,
just jerk off on her jeans, all right. You lube
to help your fingers glide over yourtorious lube for yourself. Ladies,

(44:14):
try masturbating in different positions. Stimulate your clip with other objects.
You can try grinding against pillows or under a faucet
in the bathroom. Luigi Luigi's tongue, Luigi's Penis Luigi's asshole.
Try holding your breath for a short period of time
as you masturbate, kind of like a choking technique. I
can't recommend, you know, the suction toys more you know girls,

(44:37):
but I will say that I have to get the
Shameless Flirt dildo that has uh like I've shared it before.
It's green. It's called Shameless Flirt. It's very expensive, but
if you're someone who has some extra cash, dude, it's By.
It's By cal Exotics is the nickname of the brand.

(44:59):
And it it goes it's not just like vibrating. It
goes like it's like a sledge, like a you know what,
do they break up? No, no, it's just a let
me just go get I think I've seen Oh yeah, yeah, yes, yes, yes.
I got a new one because I lost the charger

(45:20):
for the first one and so I just had them.
I had bless Us send me a new one. This one,
it looks like it's dirty, but I clean it every
time with a dildo cleaner. So so this is it.
And watch this. Oh my god, I'm not kidding you.
The other day Chris was using this on me and
he had me blindfolded and he goes and we were

(45:41):
kind of doing a role play where it was like
someone else was sucking me. He was like letting someone
else and he was like he's arriving in his chopper. Now.
I could not stop laughing the entire time because then
it gets it starts to do a cool beat at
so there's different settings. Okay, that's the fast and now
that's the chopper. He's getting ready to leave you. This

(46:07):
is a beat that actually but by Bees used it
is I was gonna say the same thing. This was
off the third epoy come on over, Drumma boy, Drumma
boy vibrates. I swear to god, I know it seems
like a lot. And the first time Chris used this,
I have to say he was like, tell you what

(46:28):
the funk? I don't like this because it's just no,
it saves him. This is the one thing I think
women don't understand about guys. When you were using toys.
When when we're doing this guy, which that does you
get a little bit of carpal tunnel like you it
hurts our hands like and I know as a man
you should be able to grab a hammer and are

(46:50):
jerking you off. They get that and they also when
they're blowing you, they get it. I'm not saying that,
I'm just saying. I'm just saying, but this is gonna
save you time. You just put us. But girls, you
know what you do with this. Girls, if you're buy
your self, I'm serious, get one of these. Blessa is
where they sell it. It's called the Shameless for it.
Keep on your underwear and use your underwear as a
way to hold it in. So put your underwear about
like mid thigh, and then the underwear. You can pull

(47:13):
the underwear up as you're using it, so you don't
even have to hold it. The underwear works as like
a harness for it to push it up. And this
is something I put in after I've stimulated myself clatorially
enough that I'm like wet and it can go in.
And I also sometimes use lube just to like get
it in. If I want one, And you can use
the serum that I recommend for your face the ordinary.
You can use that serum as well. This stuff. This

(47:36):
thing is. So I'll give you one because I have
an extra one. Yeah, but I just need to get uh,
I'll give it to you. You can come just down
and charge it on mine because I only have one charger.
I'll give you an extra one because I have an
extra one. But no, but it's dude, this there's no
likenes for this to it's clean like to me, I mean,

(47:57):
I'll use anything. I'll use a nine iron. Yeah, well,
actually have a box. You can just pretend like it's clean.
Even though she listens to the podcast, we can't let her.
I'm not gonna lie. Um. Okay, we have five minutes left.
Let's get to another story. Can were in? Luigi? Are
you okay right now? Are you gonna ask us for
this one thing? Uh? Do you want to read the headline?
Or it's going to make you look at the answers.
It'll make me look at the answers. Okay. Social media

(48:19):
users share the surprising uses for everyday items. Can you guess? Okay? Okay,
so I'll read the item and then you guys guess what.
I guess what they're doing? Okay, turning off of it. Well,
the tiny hole in an airplane window. The tiny hole,
Oh um, I know, do you know what you're they're

(48:43):
talking about? It's this little hole that's almost like the
size of up a pencil lead. Um, probably smaller, like
a little bit smaller than a mechanical pencil. Lead. Um,
I would say sharpening sharpening a pencil, I don't know.
I would say, um uh, just getting a little bit

(49:05):
more air. Or if you're if you're making plato and
you want to give the plato ie, you can press
it against it and it will make it a little eye.
Good guess. Unfortunately you're wrong. It's to provide ventilation so
the glass won't Oh. I thought it was like life
hacks that you can do things that you go what

(49:27):
is that for? Okay, this makes sense. I would have
said it was like to depressurize the window a little bit.
I'm it's to prevent fog. Okay, yes, okay, here here's
another one, so let's let's start all over. Yes, okay,
the small extra pocket that's located inside the jeans pocket key, No,

(49:48):
that's for your buttons. Okay. Actually, it's to provide extra
support to stop the trousers from ripping in their weak spots. Ah,
you should put a little pocket about the crotch then,
because I see so many guys getting holes down there.
That's true. I used to get those holes there a
little cocaine there. Yeah, that's where a lot of people

(50:09):
will put it, which is like the most obvious place.
It's a great place for key though too. It's a
little small for a key. Now this yeah deep enough.
That one's pretty deep, but a hotel key. And these
are some classic levies from like the eighties. Okay, go on, okay,
so have you ever seen that small hole next to
the lock in the padlock? There's like a little tiny hole. Yes, yes,

(50:33):
that's to open it if you don't have the key. Wrong,
that seems like a way to just breaking like a
master little key. I'm going to say it's to make
it so it doesn't flog up. It's to drain water
and avoid them from going rusty, as well as providing
a way to oil it. Ah. Interesting, Okay, okay, this one,

(50:56):
I like this. Should do more of these. Yeah, I
don't know how many there are, but but I mean
like this kind of concept quizzing us. Okay, the tiny
hole next to the camera on your iPhone? Oh that's
the um wait, let's look. Oh there is a tiny
hole there. Fog fog another foggy hole Andrew lens for

(51:20):
what for? Zoom huh for It's for to go on
a conference call with your boss during COVID. Okay, close
it's phone. Yeah what wow? Okay, okay, what about Dick
and everything we're talking about? And I just want to
thank the Daily Mail for this article. I don't want

(51:41):
to take any credit. Don't ever thank the Daily Mail.
They are the worst. Fuck you, Daily Mail. We're stealing
this from you and you had nothing to do with it.
They're terrible. But also there might number one new source
from Alright, fabric swatches provided alongside the spare buttons in
on new clothes. Um patching up holes? Wait what was it? Fabric?

(52:04):
What they give you fabric's watches sometimes in a little
um sewing kit. Right, Yeah, that's to plug up holes. Okay,
Actually it was news to me too. It's to test
your cleaning products to ensure that you won't ruin the
fabric of the full garment. Still, God, there are so
many dumb things. By the way, a sewing kid in

(52:26):
the hotels is you never need it. I only use
those needles to like rip apart my hangnails. I don't
even know there were needles in there. Oh, there's needles
and sewing kids all or even like the shoe shine
fucking rag. That is something like in nice hotels they
have all these like dumb little things that you're just like, yeah,
back in the day, they needed that back. And I

(52:47):
get sad when I walked past a shoeshine place in
an airport and it's just abandoned like that kid, I know,
I um do you know. I just want to say
I'm not saying this as like I used to have
a joke of it, but I used it was one
of my favorite jokes I did where I go like,
I've given like six hand jobs, like back in the day,
and that was that day was Tuesday. Because when you

(53:10):
do say back in the day, it's just funny to
say it's like one day you gave back in the
day and then yeah and that was recent and it
was one day. Um, it's like reminding my Shoemore joke.
That's like I've had sex with like seven people and
that was like a crazy night. It's like like the
kind of thing alright, going alright, So the Starbucks cup

(53:32):
that you have there, the lid, that tiny hole that
is obviously what not the whole but itself. Okay, what
can it be used for? I actually saw this one.
It's like a funnel, right, Andrew. The one I did

(53:53):
see it's a cup hold like a co coaster. Oh
for the cup soa no, it's not fit, doesn't really fit.
I gotta say, it's like it's not fitting bogus all right,
I guess they're wrong anymore. Oh yeah, okay, this one

(54:13):
you probably know because I think if I knew it,
you guys probably know it. The hole in the tab
on fizzy drink cans. I'm guessing that's just a pressure thing. Well,
just what can you use it for besides opening the
cable in the town. Oh, I've seen this before. Use
it on your zvia cans. I don't know what is it.

(54:37):
It's for, Um, you can use it for something. So
some of these are some of these are not? No, no, no?
What is it? So? If you if you flip it
all the way towards you, you can use the hole
to hold your straw so it doesn't like Oh yeah,
I like that one. That's cute. God. I saw a

(54:57):
really good life hack the other day that I was like, God,
I can't wait to use that. It was something so
simple and so smart. Fuck Okay, well that was unhelpful
to everyone Jesus. Sorry, guys, I thought it was going
to come to me, but it did not. Um anymore. Okay,
I have two more real quick um food related Okay.

(55:18):
The hole in the arm of a pan a pan
like hang to hang it, hang it. No, it's to
keep you from having to rest your wooden spoon on
the side or get a dirty while you're cooking. You can.
I have a little spoon dish because I hate that.
We were just talking about that. It gets so dirty

(55:40):
so fast. But spoon dishes are dope. Um. And there's
also a lot of cool like appliances or like spoons
themselves that you can use that like levitates, so they
don't when you put them down on the counter, they
don't touch the counter. I mean, I guess they could
still drip, but it's there's cool technology now. UM. I
would love to hear anyone send in life hacks any

(56:02):
of our listeners, just a prompt for some fan trax,
some lifeas that you either found on TikTok that you
actually use, or one that you discovered on your own. Um.
All right, okay, the last one which a chin hole
on your dog's asshole, close the whole in your pasta spoons. Oh,

(56:25):
I know that's to measure the amount of pasta that
is like a half a cup or something, um, the
serving size for one person. Correct? Yes, yes, so you
can put in the pasta in it before you even
cook it. Yeah. Yeah, I had no idea. I didn't
need to know that either, But that's cool. I know

(56:47):
that meat is supposed to be a fist, but either.
You know what, why don't you we all just eat
until we feel full instead of these measurements, because I
feel like measurements always bumped me out. I also never
mind leftovers, like I'm a I'll eat the leftover. I
like that three hours later. But let's be honest, like

(57:08):
we all eat left I've never once eaten leftovers the
next day when I have done that before, because I've
forgotten about them. It is. I feel like I feel
like a woman in a movie. That is, like I
feel like Emily in Paris, and I don't even watch
that show, but I feel like Lily Collins, like I'm
just a normal girl who like keeps leftovers and like
eats it later because never once have I not like

(57:30):
crept the food is still warm when I'm re eating
it and I and I take it home from the
restaurant like I'm such a a civilized woman. I'm helen
hunting what women want, like I swear to God, like
I always feel that's the thing that makes me feel
like more of like a normal woman than anything. And
I can't even do It's so funny, you say, because well, Brenna,
we had spaghetti the other night. I but Branna keeps leftovers.

(57:53):
She did it perfect. She has tupperware, she puts a
meal prep, but kersen meal prep. She does tuper wear
with it. She's like, I'm just gonna bring the noodles.
I was gonna bring this, and I'm like, oh my god,
Like that's a real thing because for us, I feel
like we either eat it right away or that will
sit in the fridge for I don't know, nine months. Yes,

(58:14):
we're very similar. I do want to say to Brenna,
if she's listening, I will come by your met spots.
But she seriously is so beautiful that I just know,
like me looking like and I would. She's my friend,
so I don't care if she judges me or like
I'm and I'm not comparing myself to her, but she
is so beautiful that that type of person greeting me

(58:36):
after I have like after I'm like, I'm trying to
be you, and she's like, oh my god, you look,
how was it? Oh my god, you're gonna love the
Restulet's like that kind of thing, which she probably doesn't
talk that way, and like, but I've been to enough
of these places. There's always a woman older than me
working the front desk, and that has served me in
my life. It's interesting because it's like you would think

(58:58):
it would be the other way around, because you would
see what you could be. No, and that's what she's there.
I mean, like that is smart to have like her,
And but she needs to have a tag that says
Brenna forty six and then you go, Okay, what did
that make you feel worse? No, because it makes me
feel like, oh my god, if you can look like
that when you're forty six, Yeah, because if it would

(59:22):
make me feel when I came out of this thing,
because you always look rough no matter what. After we
have all this stuff done, you can't expect results right away.
This isn't like the hair salon. You don't leave like
I can go to a cocktail party now if you
leave look like you just got Chris Brown, and so
you you would just think, oh, I'll look like that
in the morning, and by the morning you you definitely don't.
But Brenna is not there anymore, and no one's accountable.

(59:44):
Um okay, let's go to break and we'll come back
with why do I care? Why do I care? Well,
we're skipping why do I care? Today because we talked
enough about celebrities. Bob Sagan's dead and um let's get
to Reddit dump. Um my favorite. Can you tell a facial? No,

(01:00:04):
you can't know. I'm sorry. You can't tell when people
get facials unless it's like right after and it's like,
it's great, it's called diamonds something I don't know. Um,
this is it's so nice to get a facial. Facials
are not abrasive ones. I guess this one. They took
off dead skin, which extractions though, and they pop all

(01:00:25):
of your did that? Did they do that for about
two months? So they didn't have that much. I don't
get those done anymore. I would actually recommend girls not
get extractions when they go in for facial and your
lady will be like, no, what are you doing? I
don't I've not done an extraction in two years, and
my supportes have never been smaller, and it's never been better.
I do think extractions caused the problem that makes you

(01:00:48):
need to keep getting facials. But I'm also not an
institution and I know nothing. Okay, so can next huh
oh yeah you key mode. This is your I love
your laugh in the background. Okay, so this is the
subreddit next fucking level, and this is David Bowie talking

(01:01:12):
about the impact of the Internet on society. This is
pretty good. Yeah, this is back in the day. Sorry once,
this are so hard to make start. Let me just
fucking now. I screenshot at it. God damn it, Bowie.
I don't need this ship that. I don't think we've
even I think the potential of what the Internet is

(01:01:36):
going to do to society, both good and bad, is unimaginable.
I think we're actually on the cusp of something exhilarating
and terrifying. It's just a tool, though, isn't it. No,
it's not. Now, it's an alien life form. What do
you think I mean when you think about life on mine? Yes,

(01:02:00):
it's just landed here. That's it's simply a different delivery system.
There you're arguing about something more profound. Oh yeah, I'm
talking about the the the actual context and the state
of content is going to be so different to anything
that we can really envisage at the moment when the
interplay between the user and the provider will be so

(01:02:21):
in sympathical, it's going to it's going to crush our
ideas or what mediums are all about. I mean, I
just love the idea of cut to some girls showing
her vagina on TikTok's hilarious. Use the word in visage.
I want to keep I want to do that work.
You know what I learned, I need to get into

(01:02:42):
Bowie more. I'm not I've never been a Bowie head.
I do love like so many songs he wrote, and
then other artists covered, like, um, didn't the Food Fighters
do a Bowie song? There's like one of their hit
songs that No I copied his beat no no, no,
no no and mine, and yeah, that's insane that that

(01:03:03):
was ever that was a different song. Um. And then
also that there was this girl on Howard Stern Show
that did a cover of Life on Mars It's so beautiful.
What was her name? And Howard was like talking, daring it,
but he also loves it. Whatever. Check out life on
Mars Howard Stern cover and you'll find this girl. Aurora

(01:03:24):
is her name, and it's so beautiful. Um let's move on.
There's a TikTok. This is called TikTok cringe and I
don't This is often TikTok's that are not cringeing at all.
They're just cool. This is a guy at Disneyland, and
I don't know if you'll be It looks like it's
in fast forward times four, but this is a guy
that's playing the piano at Disneyland, and he's total savant.
It says talented Disney playing Disney piano player. Hold on,

(01:03:49):
I just want you to hear how fast this fucking is.
And then at the end he gets even faster. Now
listen to this needs to bottle that up. Boy, it's

(01:04:11):
watching it is so incredible. I I just you know,
you watch things like that and you go, what am
I even fucking doing with my life? And I know
he's like a rain Man types of kind of kid.
They're they're just he just has to be. It's too wild.
He's too young to be that fast and that good
This is from Rare Insults of the kids put the
cups had the cup stacking kids? Um is that talent

(01:04:33):
paying off anymore? Uh? This is from rare Insults cup
stacking kids. They open for Yeah, you guys, can someone
please make a lullapaloos at two tho shirt and put
bit by bees and what was the one I just said,

(01:04:57):
stacking cup kids. Let's just start startin. Someone start compiling
all the band names, and I want to do a
Nikki Glazer podcast line up. Yeah, let's like interview different
bands and honestly, you can take other things from our
show that have been like inside jokes and make them
into band names, and it would be really funny to
do like a tour shirt. Preta they're headlining the E

(01:05:21):
d M text. Well it's three sisters that have vagina, Okay,
so ahim drip him? Uh So this is from rare
Insults subreddit. This is just like funny, Like it's like
this because it's very specific things, which obviously are the
best jokes. Uh. So this the headline is this is

(01:05:41):
probably the first time I've seen someone take a shot
at a letter. So this is someone from Twitter. I
don't know why they ex out their name. But it's
a screenshot of Twitter and it says Q is too
high up in the alphabet. I respect it, but it
has no place between P and R should be at
the end with the weirdo goth letters. Calling the end

(01:06:01):
of alphabet weirdo goth letters like X y Z is
so funny to me. I loved it so much that
I did I could see cubi. It doesn't make sense. Um, okay,
this was belong at the end. So this this was
from suspiciously specific And this is a um excerpt. It's

(01:06:26):
a picture of a book and it's from a book
called the Manuel the civil Civilite poor le petit fi
luciage de maison book by Pierre lou Louise. And I
don't know when it was written, but it seems probably
and it's and what that translates to is the young

(01:06:47):
Girl's Handbook of good Manners. And it was probably from
back in the day in France. And you can hear
it from the lay it's written. It says, never ask
a gentleman, do you need a suck? That is how
little sweet walks, is how little street walkers express themselves.
Say in a low voice and in his ear, would
you like my mouth? If he is a gentleman whom

(01:07:07):
you have not previously sucked, and the title of this
chapter is sucking. If he is a gentleman who whom
you have not previously sucked, do not start in by
skillfully licking up and down his prick and behind his balls.
He would form a bad opinion as to your past.
Take his prick into your mouth, modestly, lowering your eyes,
suck slowly, spread your jaws apart so as to not bite,

(01:07:29):
and clench your lips so as to not drool. When
the gentleman is about to come, do not interrupt yourself
to ask him how his mother is doing, even if
you had forgotten to do so before. When he ejaculates,
silently swallow it all to the very last drop, and
then say something nice about the taste of the liquor
you just drank. First of all, they wrong, I mean

(01:07:51):
that turned me on a lot, right, Yeah. Do I
feel like language like Shakespearean ship was just a way
to you know, say pound, you know whatever, like songs
back back in the day, like we're about sex, like
but like words like this, it's just so funny. They're
just they're trying to hide the raunchiness of that humans
are animals. Yeah, and the guy that wrote that was

(01:08:13):
so fucking turned on when he wrote he was such
a perv. We gotta get to the final thought. Um,
this is one of the sweetest things ever. This is
from the I've seen this before and I wanted to
share it. I don't know if it's going to translate
to audio. I apologize if it doesn't. Um. This is
from the subreddit hold up, which means like hold up
h O l up is. The subreddit is a great

(01:08:34):
one to check out, and it's things that like you're
watching them to the end you're like wait what and
and there's always a twist. So this is um, I
think like, uh p s a kind of thing that ran. Yeah,
but it's the audio. I think we'll suffice this ran
and it's fifty five seconds long, so stay in there
with me. It's on it RAN. I think in like

(01:08:56):
Europe somewhere or in the in the UK. I don't
remember which because I forget what their accent is like.
But so it's a pregnant woman in her probably late thirties,
looks like forty, um at a bus stop and there's
an old man sitting next to her about three ft
away on the chip like there's a chair between them,
her purses on it. And then there's this old man
that's old without botox, sneaky. Oh sorry, yeah, this's from

(01:09:19):
the nineties. She's you're okay? Are you all right? Yeah?
How far along are you? Well? I was just wondering
how long? Sorry, trying to cheesy for you to say.

(01:09:40):
Finding it tough, you must be exciting. I'm scared everything.
I'm sure you will be fine. People say that, but
what if I'm not. I don't manage everyone. Who does?

(01:10:01):
Do they? What about your family? It's complicated. You don't
get along. Me and my dad and he's sick. Okay,
come along, this is us dad. Come on. The whole time.

(01:10:22):
It was her dad and he has Alzheimer's. Isn't that sweet?
He's just like I love the idea of like she's
she seems like she's just like over this man talking
to her, and like just the way you would be
if an old man started talking to you and you're
pregnant and you're just like and you're like she's but
then she gets vulnerable. She's like, I'm worried he's like,

(01:10:43):
it's gonna be okay, and she's like, you know, any
context you put that in, it's like, what do you know,
fucking old timer's dad that is giving me that I
have to like change your fucking diaper now, and you
don't even know who I am or old man who
doesn't even know who I am? Like what do you know?
And he's like, what about your family? She says, just
me and my dad, and then him being like it's
gonna be okay, and then the bus pulls up and

(01:11:06):
she's like, come on down, like it's it's such whoever
thought of that is brilliant? It is such a sweet twist.
I loved it so much, isn't it sweet? So you
can find that if you want to look it up
and see it for yourself because it's a great video. Um,
you just search within the subreddit hole up h O
l U P and it's what a sweet man. And
then they're they try to do an ellipses like dot

(01:11:26):
dot dot, but they use five dot dot dot dot, wait,
dot dot dot hole up dot dot dot. So that's
how you can search for it. Um Um, I want
to share one more thing. Uh, this isn't too afraid
to ask. Okay, how do orgies end? This person asks,

(01:11:50):
like everyone cuddles for a while, or each person walks
out of the room awkwardly after they've had enough. Great question,
I thought, how do you guys think? Or I mean,
I've n and when people come and then they just leave.
But but I think sometimes, I mean, I'm sure at
times people come and then just wait around for the end.
For other sex ends, and I'm just like, all right,

(01:12:11):
let's go watch TV, or like like you just kind
of like laying it for a second. And sometimes you're like,
I want to talk about it. But sometimes you're just
like all right, So everyone kind of does their own thing,
like almost like the way after a game ends. But like, well,
I think it depends. I think, does everyone come? Is
it a pickup game? Because a pickup game you don't
really know the people. Everyone gets together and then you

(01:12:31):
just leave separately when the game's over. If it's a
orgy that's happened multiple times with the same partners, then yeah,
then you do those things. Then you hang out after
and get pizza. Yeah, this is brosky too. To five
says it kind of depends, but usually a bit of
both based on what you know do. Um. Some people
will have other things to do that night, like you said,
or in the morning, so they'll leave when they're done.

(01:12:53):
But some people may stay all night and cuddle, etcetera.
Also depends on the venue, but usually there's a hotel room.
Someone else said, UM, let me get to the next one. Sorry.
Uh um. Good game, good game, good game, good game.
They all like walking alive, orange slices, a sun and capricans.
A sudden realization that you work with half of these people,

(01:13:14):
someone said, cheer on the last people still going like
it's the Grand National. That's funny. When I was in college,
I had a job delivering pizza for a while. I
wants to deliver to pizza to a hotel room. Inside
we're two couples in their fifties, men and boxers, ladies
and bras and panties. So it appears that some orgies
end with pizza and I'm good with that. Um. Or
maybe the party just started. Where are you going? I
have to return some videotape. I don't know what that is. Um.

(01:13:38):
You know the scene from the Matrix to when Neo
is fighting all the smiths in the courtyard and Neo
just flies away and all the Smiths look at each
other and just shrug and walk away. That or someone
this is a here's a tribute to Bob Saget. Typically
someone says, and we call ourselves the Aristocrats, and everyone
laughs and goes home. If you haven't seen the Aristocrats,

(01:13:59):
it was Pop learned like two thousand five, four or five,
I'm gonna say four. It is documentary that came out
and it's a filthy joke. And there's a documentary and
Bob Saget's all over. It had a great post about Bob. Yeah,
let me read it. Um. Yeah, there were some really
great tributes to Bob that I like, I really loved.

(01:14:22):
I loved. Um. Someone said, no one said ever said
a bad thing about Bob Saggett except his best friends.
I forgot who said that it was a really good Uh,
it was a funny person. Um. John made a white
post that said just it was a blank, I know.
But this first one said I love you, Bob. I
will never forget you. I will visit you often in

(01:14:43):
my memories, and I hope I get to see you
in my dreams. I will tell my kids about you.
I'm taking you with me forever. This I realized John
Mayer wants kids. I didn't know that, Um. And then
these are pictures of him and Bob. And by the way,
as someone who is friends with Bob Saggett, Bob fucking
loved jhn Mayor like a son. He talked about him
so glowingly. He Chappelle and John Mayer were the two

(01:15:07):
people that he talked about, and he was very defensive
of and very just he just thinks he like a father.
Talked about them more so John because I think John
obviously is younger than Um Chappelle and like, but he
talked about Chappelle is like a brother and John like
a son. Like he fucking loved John Mayor. It was
really sweet. And I think we're going to find out
that John Mayor is only like two months younger than Chapelle.

(01:15:29):
I mean, I think so. But there's just something. Maybe
John needs a dad more than my brother Bob. He's
called my brother. My brother Bob was a force of nature,
a big This is John Mayer, a big, tall love
monster who had hugged me and rest his head on
my shoulder. That is that's fucking Bob Sagga for you,
his love for the I just have to say this
caption made me feel like I knew him really well

(01:15:50):
because I I just knew all this this is so true.
His love for those around him was always accounted for.
He was deep and wide and vast. And he would
probably have a joke about me saying deep and wide,
because our listeners know Bob Saget could not let a
sex joke like any He would come in on any
little thing that was like sexual. It was so funny.
The man had ranged. I've met many people in my life,

(01:16:13):
but when Bob crossed my path, I just held on
to him and I wasn't letting go. I knew he
was the realist thing. I would like you to know
that the man you hope was as awesome as you think,
was way beyond what you can ever imagine. He was
impossibly kind and generous and loving. And I have more
to say, So please let me just do like one
more of these. Okay, it's just the way it's gonna be, um,
And yeah, so I look forward to the next one

(01:16:36):
from him. But yeah, I just I feel like I
didn't do a good enough job in saying the things
I wanted to say about Bob last night. But like
there's a part of me that feels like, you know,
I was reading all of these posts Ryan Stout, I
want to read his as well. Ryan Stout is um
a friend of mine who is a really hilarious comedian

(01:16:56):
and one of you know, one of the people I
kind of started. I would say, we're in this same class.
We started around the same time, around the same age.
UM dated briefly, uh, Ryan Stout said, My first experiences
touring theaters was opening for Bob all of the fanciest
Hollywood homes I ever stepped foot in where Because I
was with Bob, my general understanding of how to navigate comedy,

(01:17:17):
show business, and celebrity was developed with Bob's mentorship. He
was so excited to share and elevate the lives of
those around him. On dozens of occasions, I heard him
say the words, I just want people to be happy.
But here's the thing that really gets me. Every year
he called me on my birthday, and I wasn't the
only one. He called a lot of people on their birthday.
He must have been reaching out to multiple people every day.

(01:17:38):
He had so many friends, and he made sure to
check in on all of them, which is such a
gift because now in his passing, his memory is a
bridge that allows so many of us to check in
with each other. I'm not in the habit of taking
pictures with people, but over the years I happened to
collect a few with Bob. The blurry one is from
our first show together. I ended up opening for Bob
a few times that last year, and quite frankly, it
was my first year or that year was my first

(01:18:00):
year in Los Angeles, and I wouldn't have survived it
without without him. Love you, Bobby. Um. So many people
felt the same way that I felt about Bob and
and felt like loved by him and just just like
this fatherly thing that like, I don't know, I keep
thinking like of people that I'm just as close as
I was to Bob too, and if they died, would

(01:18:22):
I have the same reaction. I think so. But there's
something else about Bob that was there was even though
it was just deeper, there was something so um you know,
I said it yesterday. I just felt like he loved
me and would have done he would have dropped anything
to be there for me. In fact, he kind of did,
like when I would having all those cameras around me.

(01:18:44):
For a while, he did a couple of face times
with me. We had to like reshoot them, and he
was always available, always cool about it, stayed on the
phone with me way longer than he needed to. And
I'm so glad because I have these two face times
with him that you're gonna see in the thing that
eventually comes out with the cameras around me, where Bob
is giving me advice and we're cracking up together. And

(01:19:06):
Bob was the one that was like, do you want
to screenshot this conversation so that you can use it
as footage? And we were already shooting it, like with
a camera on the side, and I thought, and they
were like, no, you don't need to. But because Bob
said that, I started screenshotting it and now I'm able
to like I probably wouldn't have the footage and that ever,
but now I have the footage of me having these
like great conversations with him, and um My buddy opened.

(01:19:29):
Brendan Air was on our you Up. He opened for Bob.
That's the first time I ever met Bob Zaggy. I
went and watched Brendon open for him at Westbury in
Long Island and already came to actually, so we both
got to meet Bob Sagging, and I remember we were
like so nervous because we were still like probably three
or four years in and Brendan's mom came to one

(01:19:50):
of his shows and he actually writes about it and insting,
but Bob made sure the meet and greet didn't start
before Brendan's mom came back to me eat him and
like tell him how great her son is and made
sure to like no hold off everyone, like I'm gonna
like make this special for your family and stuff. I

(01:20:11):
don't know. It's just like a little thing that he
didn't have to do that made him think outside himself
in that moment. And he remember Ari was leaving early
because they were like two shows or whatever to go
do some shitty gig in like a shitty barb are
you actually wrote me, and Bob was just giving him
so much shit. He's like, why would you go and
do a show for three people not listening when you

(01:20:34):
can hang out here with us and have a good
time giving were like, I don't know, just a memory
like the first time like meeting him, and like just
like it just shows though like so many fucking huge
comedians wouldn't fucking take time to meet your mind like
thought than he never he was and his friends with

(01:20:56):
fucking everyone. Every famous person knows Bob Saget and loved
him and um, and he was nice to everyone, to everyone.
And I'm really wanting to get a sweatshirt made with
Bob Saget on it. I don't know why is that cheesy?
Like a cool old timing, like you know America's funniest
home videos like just his you know, like cool sweatshirts,

(01:21:16):
like a meal made of his dad. Like I really
want a Bob Saget sweatshirt because I just want to, Like,
I want people to go, I like your sweatshirt and
be like, let's just talk about Bob, not so I
can brag about being friends with him, just to be like,
I just want to I want to talk. He has
one of those faces. The more photos I see, it's
just like and that's why he was a Danny tan,
That's why he begins and he aged so handsomely like

(01:21:40):
he was. He was boyish in the beginning, big like
a big he was such a softie. Um, I'm so
glad the world that everyone that listened to the podcast.
So many of our besties like reached out to me,
and so many people. I don't know why. This was
so heartening to me, And it's kind of a brag
I probably got. We have to wrap. I probably got

(01:22:02):
upwards of fifty and that is not an exaggeration. People
saying you were the first person I thought of when
I heard Bob Second died. And for some reason that
makes me feel so fucking good because I'm not crazy
in thinking that he meant a lot to me, because
I think that, you know, I think the people he's
closest with probably didn't know how special our relationship was.

(01:22:23):
That's the thing that bothers me is that, like, you know,
when Harris Whittles died, Harris and I like had a
secret relationship. I would always sneak in through the back
of his door to like hook up with him, like
we just didn't. I never was out with him in public.
We would always like talk on a I am and
then I'd go over late at night and night leave.
And so when he died, there was no one to
like validate, Like when I was really sad his friend,

(01:22:44):
like showing up his funeral, people would have been like
did you even know him? It's like, funk, we we
just had this and not that Bob second and I
had a friendship. We actually had a friendship mostly on air.
But um, you just I don't know what it is
where you just don't feel justified. Um, but I do.
And I'm a song is coming out about him pretty
soon and I'm going to try to put it on
Spotify and everything and you can listen to it and

(01:23:06):
it's it's a great song that I did not write,
but I you know, wrote the lyrics too. I'll talked
to Trevor to by Bees. Maybe not doing it cover,
but like letting it Yeah, I mean I would love
him to do the bass track on Yeah. Song for
Bob is what I called it. Thank you so much
for this extended episode that went a little bit longer. Um,
love you guys so much, don't We'll be here tomorrow.

(01:23:27):
I'll have a be stung face and Chip

All Episodes

Episode Transcript

Host

Nikki Glaser

Popular Podcasts

Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes present: Aubrey O’Day, Covering the Diddy Trial

Dateline NBC

The Breakfast Club

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}#159 Bit By Bees